Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 89

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Jet Fuel to Steel Beams! (Dick chuckles) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Welcome back!

Dick: Both of those, big solutions. (Maddox laughs) Jet fuel and steel beams.

Maddox: Jet fuel and steel beams. It depends on the context, Dick! I think there's a bunch of, uh…

Dick: (interjects) When you COMBINE them! (grins)

Maddox: When you combine them, yeah.

Dick: Big problem.

Maddox: That's what they want you to believe.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh.

Sean: The people are the problem.

Dick: The people…who?

Maddox: What do you mean?

Dick: The people that want you to believe that?

Sean: Who are putting those two together and saying 9/11 didn't happen.

Maddox: Oh, the neckbeards!

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: The conspiracy dipshits! Yeah, we already brought that in as a problem.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Sean: Exactly.

Maddox: Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Okay. Let's all settle down. Let's all just calm the fuck down. Who…what were the results from last week?

Maddox: Dick, the biggest problem in the universe…

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: …from last week…


Maddox: Was Not Enough Toilets!

Dick: Oh, good.

Maddox: Followed by Last Call.

Dick: Good. It should be.

Maddox: And Lottery Winners. Why…why should it be?

Dick: It was in the negatives, right? Not a problem?

Maddox: Not a problem at all.

Dick: Lottery winners.

Maddox: People say, yeah.

Dick: Lottery winners, not a problem at all.

Maddox: Yeah. Not a problem at all. No, Dick…I…I agree. You know, Not Enough Toilets is a real big problem. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Yeah, it is…it is a big problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeeeeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's so big…we brought it in twice!

Dick: What do you mean?

Maddox: Yeah. I got a segment for you Dick, uh…I did this on my…

Dick: (interjects) Is it some variation of Dick Versus Dick?

Maddox: YouTube…(grins) No!

Dick: Like every single one of your segments?

Maddox: I…there's only one Dick Versus Dick. Well, there's Dick on Dick and Dick Versus Dick. Those are the only two, but, uh…I have a segment I do on my YouTube channel called, "I Liked it Better When..."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I…it's what My Little Mermaid video is based on. Here's the segment.


Maddox: Alright. So, I…I…remember when I was listening back to this last episode, I was listening to some of the stats you brought in, and I thought, "Wow, that sounds really familiar." You know? 1 in 5 kids…uh, people having problems with diarrhea. Then I remember…way back when, in Episode 66, I brought in a problem that sounded pretty similar. Listen to this. Let's see…let's see if you guys agree.

(Harp Music)

Maddox: This is from last episode.

(Dick: "The second biggest killer…

Asterios: Yeah?!

Dick: …of children in developing countries is diarrhea.

Asterios: Diarrhea, huh? Wait…

Dick: And that's obviously… shitting in the open is a huge cause of diarrhea.

Asterios: So diarrhea is a big…so, like, poop…poop-related issues is, like, a biiiiig problem .

Dick: It's a big problem. C'mon. More people have access to mobile phones than have toilets.

Sean: Isn't part of your problem just, you know, proper sanitation, or…sanitary conditions?

Dick: Sean, it's Not Enough Toilets.

Sean: Like, in the Third World and stuff. (Asterios giggles) Alright.

Dick: There's not enough toilets.)

(Harp Music)

Maddox: Now we're going back to Episode 66.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Here's what…here's what we said.

(Harp Music)

(Maddox: "1.8 million people die every year from diarrheal disease."

Dick: Uh-oh.

"Maddox: 90% are children under 5, mostly in developing (belches) countries. (laughs)"

"Maddox: 2.5 BILLION people. Billion!! Lack access to improved sanitation. More than 35% of the world's population."

"Dick: How many people around the world is that, that have to deal with, like, walking around in their own shit, then?

Maddox: 2.5 billion.

Dick: That's a lot. 2.5 billion people don't have toilets?!")

(Harp Music)

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh. Oooooh? What do you think?

Dick: So who brought…who brought that in, originally?

Maddox: Shit. Me. I did.

Dick: Oh, shit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Well, you're always bitching about a lack of stats, so can't he use you as a reference?

Dick: Yeah, it's a good reference. (Maddox chuckles)

Sean: He knows you did your due diligence. That's research!

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: He wasn't…he wasn't citing me as a source.

Dick: I went to the greatest source on the planet!

Sean: Well, it…

Dick: You! Right?

Sean: It's implied.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Don't all stats come from you? Aren't you the Alpha Omega of research and stats? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: I try to be.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Yeah. No, I've, uh…

Dick: Just like all the greatest scientists in history? (grins) Ones without a college degree?

Maddox: Uh…(Dick cracks up) You're getting in some home schooling agenda!! Which, by the way…

Dick: That's not…no. (laughs) That has nothing to do with home schooling. I'm just busting your balls.

Maddox: Well, I…I…oh. Okay, well, I do…

Dick: (interjects) So an asterisk on this one, you think? Not enough toilets? 'Cause I ripped it off?

Maddox: Nah, I…no. It's…it's not…I think the most interesting thing that you brought in with the Not Enough Toilets problem was the part about…'cause yours also included urine. And that was interesting.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: With the…cause I always thing about…

Dick: Mine also included rape.

Maddox: Whaaaat?

Dick: That was a pretty big part of it.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah. That's true.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's true. Yeah, no. It was different enough. But there were some similarities that were…

Dick: (interjects) If feminists were as concerned about women finding toilets in the third world as they are about recovering that 4% of the wage gap that they're…if they were more concerned about the safety of women worldwide than MONEY, maybe we could do something about it. That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, it's a big problem. But, uh…you know, the signpost thing is something I think about a lot when people urinate on them?

Dick: Isn't that interesting?

Maddox: It is interesting, but I think it's more dogs that do it. 'Cause I see dogs peeing on…every signpost all the time, with impunity, whereas bums try to at least…you know, at least do it when people aren't around, usually.

Dick: But that's the cover, isn't it? The signs. The buildings are the cover for the bums. They just, like, cozy up to the building.

Maddox: Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, anyway…anyway, Dick. Um, also…so, I got…I got some comments, here. I got one from Henry…

Dick: (interjects) You got me!

Maddox: Henry Kooker. Henry says, "So while everyone was dreaming about winning the lotto, Maddox was doing research on past winners to see how the ones that didn't fuck it up did it, so when he won, he would know exactly what to do. I'm not sure if that's intelligent or absolutely insane. Maddox is the only guy… (Dick chuckles) …who is constantly making battle plans in the event of unlikely scenarios." You know, uh…(giggles) every now and then, I'll read a comment that I feel, like, totally gets me. And that guy…(giggles) that guy totally got me. I do like to plan a lot in advance of things. Especially unlikely scenarios.

Dick: I got an actual…an actual, uh…lemme see what this guy's job title is. A former financial advisor who has a Master's in economic policy.

Maddox: Uh-oh!!

Dick: I got…the email…the subject line of the email was "Here's Why Maddox is Poor".

Maddox: Okay. (giggles) (Sean laughs)

Dick: And then he goes…then he goes on to attack your, uh…your annuity problem.

Maddox: Let's hear it.

Dick: So, what happens..."What happens if the lottery…", he says, "…can't afford to pay you in the future?" I don't know Powerball works, but Illinois had to stop paying its winners, 'cause they went bankrupt. Like, then…then what? It happens with pensions all the time.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: I didn't think about that.

Dick: Bankrupt. The happening. It happens, man.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: You know? You don't know!! You gotta get that money now. (stammers) "You're still counting on some other entity not ever declaring bankruptcy." Ummm, let's see.

Maddox: Ye…yeah. Hold on. Can I respond to that, or do you wanna read the whole email first?

Dick: Go ahead. Well…

Maddox: That…(stammers) first of all, dickhead, okay? G…oh, great point!!

Dick: (interjects) Masters in economic policy, this gentleman.

Maddox: Oh, Masters? You know what? Suck my dick, how about that for a masters? Masterson?

Dick: Ohhhh.

Sean: Yeah, what a hack. He needs to be Czar of Economics, or something. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Emperor!

Maddox: It doesn't matter! It's all the appeal to authority fallacy. Just because…look.

Dick: (laughs) It's not appeal to authority!!

Maddox: Yes, it literally is!!!!

Dick: (laughing) Okay.

Maddox: You're saying…you're saying because this guy has studied at…(stammers) some prestigious university, or he has a Master's in economics, he's an expert!

Sean: I mean…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, he's an expert!

Maddox: It doesn't mean he's always right!

Sean: No!

Maddox: And lemme tell you why. Lemme tell…

Dick: He's brought in stats, though.

Maddox: Lemme point…lemme point out..

Dick: Like, he's built a whole case.

Maddox: Okay. And lemme point a very simple rebuttal to that, 'kay?

Dick: Okay. (grins)

Maddox: Where are you gonna put that money that you win from the lottery? In a bank? Yeah. Banks never go bankrupt. Your money's totally safe there!

Dick: Here. I'll get straight to the point with what he says…

Sean: (interjects) In a coffee can in your backyard. (they laugh) Everybody knows that.

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: It's Andrew Rank, by the way. This gentleman who's perpetrating these outrageous fallacies via email. His appeal to authority. Um, he says… "The single best investment would be to go to an online brokerage and buy a bunch of low-fee ETFs. Your actual allocation would be based on your age, risk tolerance, etc. So that's what I'd do." That's what he said. That's what he says you should do.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Take the money out. You got 30 years, basically, to double your money in the lottery.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And he says, "Just go get a bunch of low-fee ETFs. No problem."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: No big deal. Don't take the annuity.

Maddox: But wasn't…(giggles)

Dick: And that's why you're poor. That's the analysis point.

Maddox: That's why I'm poor, because I haven't won the lottery and then invested in ETFs. Is that why? I…I…agree…

Dick: I don't know if it's both of those reasons…

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: But that's what he says why.

Maddox: What's an ETF? Did he explain what that is?

Dick: Would you even believe him? It's just another appeal to authority!

Maddox: Look, I'm not g…I'm not going to believe this guy because he's…uh…an expert in his field, necessarily. Uh, it depends on what he says. Like, even…even a…

Dick: I find that fascinating, by the way.

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: What you just said. That I won't believe in someone 'cause he's an expert in his field. It depends on what he says.

Maddox: Yes! Yes.

Dick: That means…the final decider is you.

Maddox: You realize, Dick…

Sean: You are the expert.

Dick: Yeah. You're more qualified than the expert.

Maddox: No…(stammers)…

Dick: (interjects) That's what people who don't believe in global warming say.

Maddox: I'm able to…Dick…Dick. Uh, no. (stammers)

Dick: That's true!

Maddox: People who don't believe in global warming don't believe the evidence, okay? If somebody…I'm…I'm more interested in his argument and his evidence. Not everything that guy says is going to be correct! There's lots of famous psychologists and economists that people disagree with all the time!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And just because they're an expert, that doesn't mean they don't make mistakes. Just like that faulty thinking. Like, seriously. Where are you gonna put that money that you get in the lump sum? Into a bank. And we know that banks aren't reliable.

Dick: ETFs.

Maddox: Yeah, but, w…and then what? And what happens to that financial institution? Are those immune to going bankrupt? Is there a financial institution that is immune to going bankrupt?

Dick: I don't know. What does Bernie Sanders think? (Sean laughs) That's all that matters. That's all that matters to me when it comes to money.

Maddox: Do you think I'm a Bernie Sanders supporter?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I don't think he goes far enough for you. (Maddox laughs) What were you gonna say? (laughs)

Maddox: There's…there are plenty of psychol…in fact, I brought in a psychologist, Dick. Today. In my problem, I'm gonna talk about a psychologist…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who…uh…is an expert in his field!

Dick: Cool.

Maddox: Made a bad call.

Dick: Well, it happens.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Well, this guy…here's something interesting about this guy, uh, Andrew. Andy. He's had a couple of professional athlete clients, which he says is similar to lottery winners, of course. And he says, sure enough, they can't keep their hands off the principle. And that's the whole…that's all you gotta do. Keep your hands off the principle. Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And then you can…then you can live on it forever, make millions of dollars forever, but they can't do it.

Maddox: Eh, you know…you know, Dick, that article that you guys, uh…shat on so much. The guy…the thing the guy was saying is…again, I don't know all about you, but I do know that you buy lottery tickets, so let's consider the possibility that you're not one of the generation's greatest financial minds.

Dick: Ohh, boy.

Maddox: You guys had such a problem with that.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And…

Dick: Yeah, 'cause he was such a prick!

Sean: It's because he was such a…

Maddox: (interjects) Of course he was a prick!

Sean: …fucking prick about it.

Maddox: Of COURSE he was a prick.

Dick: Why of course? He's a journalist!

Maddox: But the…the greater message here is not just about lotteries. It's any time you come into a big lump sum of cash. So I…I didn't even get to all my research last time, uh…I'm gonna skip some of these comments..

Dick: (interjects) What about if you come into a big lump sum of ass? Then what should you do?

Maddox: You should cash that in.

Dick: You should cash that in immediately.

Maddox: Tap those funds.

Dick: Mhmm. (Maddox snickers) Don't take that on annuity.

Sean: Big penalty for early withdrawal. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! (laughing)

Maddox: Always make a deposit.

Dick: Okay, what is the stats that you wanna read? (grins)

Maddox: Always make a deposit. Yeah. So, uh…I got an email from Chris Primer. He says, "Fuck Dick Masterson and Asterios!!"

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: "And the snarky comments about how much money a New York Times writer or teacher makes. It's as if you can put a price tag on the value of information based on how much the person giving you the information makes." Um, I won't read the whole email.

Dick: Please.

Maddox: He sent it to me in email. But I do have another…before I go on, I do have another nickname for Asterios from Matt Maffit. He says, "Okay, biggest problem in the universe is Bozo Cocoa Puffs." (they giggle) Anyway, Bozo Cocoa Puffs…

Dick: (interjects) You wanna hear some voice mails?

Maddox: Oh, hold on. I didn't get to the…

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: …the research.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: So we ran outta time.

Dick: Oh, as we're gonna do again. (chuckles) (Sean laughs)

Maddox: We are. We definitely are, this episode. Uh, there's a Wired article called "The Psychology of Lotteries". Why do people play the lottery?

Dick: It's fun.

Maddox: On…

Dick: (interjects) Because we hate everyone and every part of our lives and we want to escape it.

Maddox: Well, that's not why the majority of people play. Uh…you and I, Dick…

Dick: Eh…

Maddox: You and I…you and I are not regular lottery players. Sean, you're not a regular lottery player, right? Because…

Dick: (interjects) He's too handsome.

Maddox: We don't have…(giggles) we don't have the psychology of a regular lottery player.

Sean: I didn't even play this last one.

Dick: Oh, shut up! You didn't?!

Sean: No!

Dick: You didn't at ALL?!

Sean: Nope.

Maddox: What an idiot. You could've been a billionaire!

Sean: Yeah. (laughs) Well, I would have just fucked it up if I, you know, took the lump sum, anyway.

Dick: Yeah, you…you would have just wasted it?

Sean: Oh yeah, totally.

Dick: What would you have done with it?

Sean: First thing I would have done was just hammer the principle, right away.

Maddox: There you go! Lottery winners, vote it up!

Sean: Yep. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Uh, this article says…

Dick: (interjects) Hammer the principle…(laughing)

Maddox: (laughing) It says, "On the one hand, the answer is obvious enough why we play. We're happy to spend 3 dollars for approximately 15 seconds of irrational hope for the pleasure of thinking about what might happen if we'd suddenly won millions of dollars. In this, uh, particular case with the billions of dollars, everyone played because it was a big event, right?

Dick: Yeah, it was fun.

Maddox: A big national event. But most people don't play like that, Dick. Uh…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It says in this article here, "On average, households that makes less than $12,400 a year, so, people who are in poverty…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: "…Spend 5% of their income on lotteries! 5%. And approximately half of Americans buy at least one lottery ticket at some point. The vast majority of tickets are purchased by about 20% of the population, and these high-frequency players tend to be poor and uneducated, which answers why critics refer to lotteries as regressive taxes. In 2006, a survey found that 30% of people without high school degrees said that they played the lottery as a wealth-building strategy." And they specifically looked at the psychology of people who play, and they said a 2008 paper by a team of Carnegie Mellon behavioral economists helped explain why poor people are so much more likely to buy tickets. The problem is, it turns out, is feeling poor. And it actually changes your psychology. It changes your thinking.

Dick: Yeah. That's why we were telling you you should have brought in the lottery. It's a poor tax. No, that's the…in summary, it's a poor tax. I don't think there's anyone that disagrees with that. That's why the LOTTERY is the problem! Not the winners!

Maddox: Hmm. I don't know.

Dick: That's what…that was our point! Or…or gambling addiction! Or poor…poor mental…any of those! Poor psychology! Any of those things.

Maddox: Yeah. Well…yeah, maybe. But…I think lottery winners specifically is poor psychology. I think it's…it's worth bringing in separately from…'cause I really don't think fundamentally there's anything necessarily wrong with the lottery, so much as the way it's conducted. Right now, lottery…

(Sean and Dick mumble inaudibly)

Maddox: The lottery is marketed to poor people.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They're not…they're not showing the lottery…you know, showing someone on Wall Street putting down his New York Times, sipping his coffee, and then scratching a ticket, you know. (giggles)

Dick: Well, lemme…lemme zing you with this one.

Maddox: In a high rise. Yeah.

Dick: If there was nothing wrong with the lottery, it wouldn't be illegal to have them. Did you know that? That it's illegal to do your own lottery, except if you're the government?

Maddox: Well, that's because the government…

Dick: (interjects) Doesn't it sound fishy?

Maddox: The government wants to keep total control on that shit.

Dick: Allllllll the poor…they want all the scamming to be done by THEM.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They…yeah. There's like…at one point…anyone could have a lottery. And it was…it was mass chaos.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: There was cats and dogs living together.

Maddox: Cats and dogs.

Dick: Gay people were having kids.

Maddox: What?! (laughs)

Dick: This was in, like, the 1800's. It was chaos! (grins) (background laughter) Railroads were being built God knows where…what if Bill Gates wins the lottery? Is he a problem, then, or is he still…you brought Bill Gates in as a solution in our bonus episode that you can buy on the website for, I think, $1.33 right now.

Maddox: Yeah! $1.33. No, I…I don't think…I don't think Bill Gates would play the lottery.

Dick: I think he won the lottery.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: Let's say that.

Maddox: Eh, no. (giggles)

Dick: No?

Maddox: Let's not. (laughing)

Dick: Alright. You want…you want some voice mails, or what?

Maddox: Let's hear it. Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Let's see here…

(Voice mail: male voice: "Fuck you, Dick Masterson!!"

(Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Oh.

"Fuck you, you greedy, bigoted asshole!"

Maddox: Bigoted asshole. (laughing)

"Stop making me use shitty Paypal to buy your shitty bonus episodes, or I'm gonna fuck your sister!"

Dick: Awww.

Maddox: WHOA!!


Dick: Jesus!! Well, you can use BitCoin. Right? I mean…

Maddox: Yeah, you can use BitCoin! Yeah! Isn't it also on iTunes?

Dick: It is on iTunes.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: But there's a lag where it's (inaudible, mumbles)

Maddox: Ah, I know.

Dick: But, go check it on iTunes.

Sean: Yeah, the last thing you need is another nephew, too. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Ohoooo. Fuck you! Oh, Hot Wheels called in! Do you remember, the stripper…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, the stripper, Hot Wheels! (laughs)

Dick: …that Asterios was talking to, forever?

Maddox: Oh, yeah? She's a big listener? (giggles)

Dick: She called in. Hot Wheels called in.

Maddox: Let's hear this. (laughs)

Dick: Maybe Asterios probably plugged the show to her.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Trying to show off, like the bigshot that he's trying to pretend to be, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "I'm on this…I'm a cohost of this podcast, Hot Wheels."

Maddox: Uh-huh. (grins) Yeah.

Dick: "Babe, go check it out. Go check out me busting hot jokes all…" So she called in.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: blatantly male voice: "Hey guys, it's Hot Wheels, the rollerskating stripper." (Maddox cracks up) "Uh, just calling up to clarify that I'm a dude, not a chick."

Maddox: Whoa.

"Not too sure why Asterios was saying I'm a chick."

Dick: Oh.

"He was pretty drunk, though, so maybe he didn't know what was going on. But, uh…just let him know, uh…he owes me a thousand bucks for all the weird shit he made me do. (Dick guffaws, Maddox chuckles) Alright, thanks a lot.")

Dick: Probably plugged that stopper up his ass. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah, he wanted to plug Hot Wheels right before he plugged Hot Wheels, you know what I mean? (lewd)

Dick: Here's a great…here's a great voice mail of failure. A series of them.

Maddox: Oh, please. I love these.

Dick: That I'm gonna play. About Disney.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Maddox, what the fuck is wrong with you?"

Maddox: What the fuck is wrong with you?!

Dick: Oh, something.

"You're talking about how…Disney is…whitewashing the fucking…moral of the story?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh-huh.

"What, you think they should have a graphic…fucking knives stabbing foot scene?"

Maddox: No, idiot! No.

"Fuck, shit, and fuck.")

(Dick cracks up)

Maddox: You dumb shit! (cracks up laughing)

Dick: I don't know why he messed that up! (laughing) You wanna hear it…like, I don't know why he thought he messed that up. You wanna hear the second take?!

Maddox: Yeah, let's hear the second take.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: 'Cause he…he said his own lesson!

Dick: Yeah!

(Voice mail: same guy: "Maddox, what the fuck is wrong with you? (they giggles) "You're talking about how Disney is whitewashing the fucking moral of the story…"

Dick: Stop after you make the point!

"Do you think…they're trying to market to kids, okay? Do you think they should be talking about how…she…feels all this pain and shit, huh?"

Dick: Stop, right there?!


Maddox: Huh?

Dick: Huh?

"Think about your…god fucking dammit.") (they crack up laughing)

Dick: I don't know why!! (laughing) One more! One more.

Maddox: What an idiot! (laughing)

Dick: Third time's the charm!! (laughing)

(Voice mail: same guy: "I just wanted to say I'm sorry to whoever has to go through these…because… (Dick guffaws)"

Maddox: That's EVERYONE.

"I'll write it down next time.")

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. No, don't write it down, just, you know. Quit while you're ahead.

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Moron!!! Aha, what a dumb shit! First of all, I already addressed that point in the last episode.

Dick: Hold ….yeah, okay. (skeptical)

Maddox: But…but, Pierce Edwards says, uh…this is a good point, I forgot to mention this, but… "…I don't know what I take issue with more, hearing more Tim CHANGZZZZ shit at the beginning of the episode, or hearing Dick and Asterios jerk each other off to Little Mermaid songs at the end? Those songs potentially could have remained in the movie and still retained the hardships of the original." Totally true.

Dick: Hey, um…speaking of Tim Changz and songs…

Maddox: Oh, NO!!!

Dick: One second…no, it's a good one!

(Song starts: Dick: "Tim Chainz." Maddox: "Tim Chainz." (horns start) Tim: "DJ Tim Changz in the house, how ya'll feelin' tonight?! (laughing) Maddox: "What the fuck is this?" (beat starts) Dick: Okay, yeah. Maddox: Mmkay. Tim: For real!! (song continues with various voice clips from Maddox, Dick, and Tim, interspersed with Tim's PEW PEW PEW PEWs))

(they laugh)

Dick: That's enough. I'll post the full thing.

Maddox: That fucking…you know, when I come home and I stumble home drunk and..the podcast is still playing on loop…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: As it often is. In my apartment.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh…it…it would sound exactly like that episode. Like, if that episode was playing and I came home, stumbled drunk? That's what that sounds like.

Dick: Wow. You and Asterios, you're really hitting the sauce lately, huh?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What's going on with you two? (grins)

Maddox: I'm just thirsty. (they laugh)

Dick: Men remaining men.

Maddox: Dick, I…(laughs) I still….the packages keep coming in, Dick.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: I got a couple more packages!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Uh…one of 'em really late from Christmas. This one I know was meant to be sent on Christmas, because there is a card attached that has a tree…a tree cut out. It says, "Merry Christmas." So…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, it's a Valentine's Day tree.

Maddox: Yeah. Valentine's Day tree. Or he's early for next year!

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: This…this comes…this hails all the way from Germany! From a listener named Fabian. He says, "Dear Maddox. Merry Christmas to you and the whole podcast crew. I really appreciate your thoughts on depression and self-esteem. I'm looking forward to reading your new book, and of course, seeing you stream more often. Lemme know if you like the German chocolates." And he sent some German chocolates.

Dick: Did he hide any immigrants in them?

Maddox: Nope, I checked. (Dick guffaws) No…oh, oh, nice. Nice, Dick. Real…

Dick: They gotta get rid of 'em somehow.

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs) Some people welcome them, Dick.

Dick: Yeah, oh, yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. Uh..he says, "Lemme know if you like the German chocolates. Feel free to share. Best regards, Fabian." And he sent this…he sent his email address.

Dick: Oh, that's great.

Maddox: Yeah. So…so Fabian sent a box of…it says "Nuspergbach" "Nuspergbach."

Dick: Nusbergenbachen.

Maddox: Knusker…

Dick: Knusperberch.

Maddox: Okay. So there's…(laughs)

Sean: Chocolates.

Dick: Nailed it.

Maddox: And then we got some choc…German chocolates.

Dick: Edganussforhuuts.

Maddox: He sent two boxes of these. You guys are welcome to have one…

Dick: Looks like he ate some outta that one. What the hell?

Maddox: Yeah. It's the sa…it's the same box. So here's…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but why the hell are there missing out of that one?

Maddox: 'Cause I ate them!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: There's…there's two boxes. You're welcome to have that. There you go.

Dick: Oh, thanks.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Wow. Thanks, Fabian.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaaah! Fabian!

Dick: Awesome.

Maddox: So, I got another package, too. This one is from a guy named Cody. He says, "Hey, Dick and Maddox. Thanks for an awesome show. Hope you can enjoy these games, especially dog football. It's four players." (giggles) And he sent me…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's good.

Maddox: Jerry Rice and Nidus dog football on the Nintendo Wii.

Dick: It's like Airbud without the charisma.

Maddox: Yeah, it's…(snickers)

Dick: Right? That dog looks like an asshole.

Maddox: Looks like garbage. Uh, thank you. And then…but then he also sent us a real game called Lords of The…

Dick: Fallen.

Maddox: Fallen. Lords of the Fallen here.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: I'm looking at the back of this. I've never heard of this game, and it looks like Dark Souls. It looks cool as shit.

Sean: Was that Tom Selleck on the cover?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No…I…is it?

Dick: Yeah, that's Tom Selleck's dad. (Maddox laughs) On the cover of that game.

Maddox: On the cover of this game, there's this dude who looks like a bald Tom Selleck.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: With tattoos all over his face, like, prison tattoos.

Sean: Well, but his head is cropped, so you can't really see how much hair he has on top, at least from here.

Dick: Just put a Tigers hat on him.

Maddox: That's a trick. Yeah, that's a trick bald people do, Sean. I should know! (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Sean: Well, you don't do it very well.

Maddox: Fuck you, Sean!

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Dick: You gotta walk around with, like…a permanently affixed crop in from of your head.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: Like a shoulder harness, with a picture frame that just crops out the top of your head! So people are trying to always look under your cropped out frame.

Maddox: That'll be my Halloween costume.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, like, people walking around with, like, Tinder borders. Mine'll just be a black frame, and it says, "Not Bald". (they crack up)

Dick: And it's, like, inappropriate for you to try to look up my frame.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Right?!

Maddox: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!!

Dick: Whoa. (grins)

Maddox: Who do you think I am, Hulk Hogan?

Dick: Buy me…buy me dinner first. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Alright, let's get to some problems, Dick.

Dick: Good. Thank God.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. I got a REAAAAL big problem this week. Uh…this may be the biggest problem I've ever brought in to the show. I have SO much to cover. So much ground to cover. It's not the biggest problem in the universe in my opinion.

Dick: Oh!! (disappointed)

Maddox: But…

Dick: Soft sell.

Maddox: …it is…a very big problem. And it is…Affluenza.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick: Okay.

(Sound effect: 'Ding!')

Maddox: Affluenza!

Sean: But wait…wait, wait, wait…

Dick: (interjects) You're gonna have to define it. Yeah.

Sean: No, I gotta run back to my car and get my soapbox. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: You know?! Fuck you, Se…that's two in a row, Sean!! (Dick still laughing)

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Wow! You're really on a tear!!

Dick: Hoooo, you had…

Maddox: (interjects) Thin ice!

Dick: You had me for a second. I thought you really had to go outside for something. (grins)

Maddox: Gimme your sh..I wanna cut your shoe!!

Sean: Why?!

Maddox: 'Cause you're a dick! (laughs) I don't know.

Sean: My shoe…that's..that's random.

Maddox: Yeah, I know. I just want to cut an article of your clothing. Anyway…

Dick: Ohh! Is that, like, a cultural thing? (grins)

Maddox: No!

Dick: Cutting shoes? (Sean laughs) Do you, like…

Sean: (interjects) He's gonna hide a bomb inside.

Dick: Armenians, like, they cut…they cut your shoe? (Sean giggles)

Maddox: No, it's…

Dick: (interjects) If they're angry at you?

Maddox: I just looked over to Sean and literally the only thing I can see, because he's buried in equipment, are his shoes. I'm like, "Ah, gonna cut his shoes."

Dick: Ahh. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Fair enough.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Affluenza, what is that?

Maddox: Affluenza, Dick. So when I looked up this term, because I've heard of it a lot in the news with regards to a specific case. And I'll get to that in a moment, but…uh, I looked it up just to be sure where this term came from. According to Time Magazine, it was originally coined in 1954; however, a PBS documentary in 1997 came out with that same name, called Affluenza. And back in 1997, this is what it meant. It was originally a term used to criticize excess consumerism. PBS released that documentary that I mentioned, in which it talked about how too much consumption leads to stress and unhappiness in our lives.

Dick: Mmmm.

Maddox: It's from this PBS documentary. Um, it says "The percentage of Americans calling themselves "very happy" reached it's highest point in 1957 and has remained fairly stable.."

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: "…or declined ever since. Even though we consume twice as much as we did in the 1950's, people were just as happy when they had less." So this is…this is all from the documentary.

Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute. Wait a minute. They consume twice as much now?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, twice as many things are bought?

Maddox: At least.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: That in…that's total overall consumption.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's, uh…consumer goods, houses, cars, all those things. Those are…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, cars, man.

Maddox: Those are durable and non-durable items. We just consume a lot more. We consume over twice as much. "A typical…" Again, this is from this documentary. I'll link to it on the website. Guys, all these, uh…all these videos and things that I'm gonna talk about this episode, I'm gonna link to on the website. "A typical three-car garage today is comparable to the average home in the 1950's, or about 900 square feet." So we use that same amount of space today just to park our cars that people used to just LIVE in in the 1950's.

Dick: Should be bigger. I wanna park my car in a car. And then park it in a garage.

Maddox: Buddy, you wanna drive a Maybach.

Dick: Yeah. I wanna…yeah, sure.

Maddox: Those things are huge! Have you…have you ever seen…

Dick: Maybachs?

Maddox: Yeah, Maybach?

Dick: Yeah. They're very expensive, though.

Maddox: Very expensive.

Dick: Yeah. I just want size.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I want, like, Optimus Prime. I wanna park my car in the semi, and then have the semi park in a hangar.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: That's the future.

Maddox: Well, there you go. And then you can drive slow as shit!

Dick: Yeeaaah. (grins)

Maddox: I didn't think it was possible for you to drive any slower, but driving a diesel carrying a car into a hangar, I think you would finally top yourself, Dick. "Americans carry 1 billion dollars in personal debt, not including real estate and mortgages. In 1996, more Americans declared bankruptcy than graduated from college."

Dick: Hmm? Sounds about right.

Maddox: More people declared bankruptcy than graduated from college in 1996. Since 1950, Americans alone have used more resources than everyone who ever lived before them. (Dick cracks up) Think about that! That is an astonishing stat! That's…the combined Third World population of EVERYONE!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's including the Romans at the height of the Roman Empire!

Dick: Yeah, well, they didn't have big machines.

Maddox: No, but they…they still…I mean, that was a HUGE empire!

Dick: Yeah. Big empire.

Maddox: They took over all…pretty much all of Europe, at one point.

Dick: They would have done it if they had our stuff. They would have consumed a lot. Don't…don't…give them credit! They could have consumed a lot of stuff in their orgy domes gladiator games.

Maddox: I dunno, man. People…I dunno. I don't know what they would have done. (giggles) Let's not speculate as to the…

Dick: (interjects) Okay, that's true. (Maddox laughs) Let's get an expert in here.

Sean: Let's just use a really weird stat.

Dick: Yeah, that is kinda…kinda bizarre.

Maddox: No. It's…it's saying that we consume…Americans consume more resources than everyone who ever lived before them since 1950.

Dick: Yeah, but we can…but we, like, have more power generation capabilities.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: SO…it seems like that would always increase as the power consumption goes up. Like, if you want space travel to be a thing, people jumping around the galaxy is gonna make our energy consumption look like a blip on the radar.

Maddox: Well, sure.

Dick: Yeah. So that seems natural.

Maddox: Um, but consumption does sometimes go down, too, because…with the advent of new technology. For example, email, and email, I think, has cut down on a lot of paper…paper mail being sent. Like, the US post office has complained for years that people don't send as much traditional mail, and that's due in large part to technology.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Um, it says here…"…of the Americans who voluntarily cut back their consumption, 86% reported feeling happier as a result."

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: That's also an astonishing statistic. So they had…they did an experiment in this documentary, they talked about it. And by the way…the documentary is very dated. The one that's on YouTube is from 1997 and it feels very 1997, because their research and their stock photos come from the 1980's.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: So you're gonna…you're having all these, like, computers that are big, square, boxy computers. Lot of denim on demin.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um…so that's what…affluenza originally meant.

Dick: An excess of consumerism.

Maddox: An excess of consumerism.

Dick: And how it's driving happiness down!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: 'Cause everyone hates it. They're in a rat race! Watch Fight Club! That's what we need to do!! We need to live…have strips of leather! That's our clothing! We have one set of clothing our whole lives! We don't have a car! We have a bicycle! We ride two bicycles at the same time in tandem, to pretend like it's a car. Right!?

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: No!!! (giggles) That sounds like an extreme. That sounds like an extreme. I think that…that the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. Um, so…I looked into this a little bit more, because the definition of affluenza has changed over time. This is no longer what people refer to, necessarily, with affluenza. I brought this in just to give you guys some…

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: Some background. Some context.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Right. There's this documentary that came out, uh…awhile back. Uh…I don't…I'm not sure. It wasn't a documentary, it was just a segment, I think, that they had on News Hour. But it said affluent people are more likely to break the law, more entitled to public resources, and more likely to cheat at games. This leads to my problem of affluenza in a moment, but this is from News Hour. So I wanna give you some contest for this, uh…first problem.

Dick: So, wait, now it's about rich people?

Maddox: It's not about all rich people, but…

Dick: (interjects) Well, it's about rich people.

Maddox: …this is an interesting study. I'm talking specifically about affluenza, and affluenza is a very specific condition that affects certain rich people. But here's…

Dick: Hmm…

Maddox: …here's just to give you some background into the psychology. This is from PBS News Hour. Listen to this. This is about drivers.

(Clip starts: Male reporter: "You're supposed to stop for a pedestrian at a crosswalk, and in a recent study, some 90% of drivers did, except for those driving luxury cars."

Dick: Ohhhh.

Male reporter: "They were almost as likely to run the intersection, as wait for the person to cross the street."

Second male voice: "Drivers of those BMWs, those Porsches, those Mercedes, were anywhere from three to four times more likely to break the law than drivers of less expensive, low-status cars.")

Maddox: What do you think of that, Dick?

Dick: Did the pedestrian get hit?

Maddox: No. They had people who were waiting to cross, and they just counted the number of times that cars stopped for them versus cars that didn't.

Sean: (interjects) I think…

Maddox: And the cars that didn't were overwhelmingly luxury vehicles.

Sean: I think German cars are the problem. (Maddox giggles)

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: German cars.

Dick: It's all Fabian. It's all his fault.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah…yeah, I don't…

Maddox: (interjects) They did find…

Dick: (interjects) I don't really know about the research…the hit piece research of a local news organization…

Maddox: (interjects) It's not…it's not…

Dick: (interjects) Like, the law is you can't go into the crosswalk if there's somebody in it. Which everybody does, all the time, so…

Maddox: (interjects) Dick…uh…(stammers)

Dick: (interjects) yeah. I guess they "broke the law".

Maddox: No, empirically, uh…I've found that to be the case, too. When I'm walking around, after I heard this study, I started paying attention to the types of cars who stopped for me, and the ones who didn't. And overwhelmingly, I have found…and this is…this is true in this study, too. They found that BMW drivers specifically are the WORST offenders. BMW drivers feel the MOST entitled.

Dick: Hmm. (laughs)

Maddox: They're the MOST entitled!

Dick: You might find another correlation other than wealth in this instance.

Sean: Yeah, what kind of sample size could this possibly be!?

Dick: And…just because you have a…"luxury car", especially a BMW, doesn't mean you're necessarily affluent. Like, the…the definition of affluenza as it is, is an excess of consumerism? Means that people spend WAY beyond their means.

Sean: Right.

Dick: Like, people are driving cars around that they…they have no business owning.

Maddox: Yeah. You guys…you know, you might…you might be right. You might be onto something. Those are all valid points. Um, but they did a study where they give rich people in a waiting room candy that was meant for children, and another study where they were playing a game for a $50 cash prize. Wealthy people took more candy and were way more likely to cheat.

Dick: Pfff, good!!

Sean: That's a bunch of Montgomery Burns'!

Dick: Yeah! (giggles)

Maddox: Listen…listen to this. Listen to this.

(Clip starts: Male voice: "Wealthier participants took two times as much candy from children… (Dick cracks up laughing) …as did poor participants. Another experiment tested honesty with reporting dice scores when cash was on the line.

Male voice 2: People all the way at the top who made 150, $200,000 per year…were actually cheating four times as much as someone all the way at the bottom, who made under $15,000 a year, just to win credits for a $50 cash prize.")

Dick: Sounds like we figured out the mystery of the poor.

Maddox: That they don't cheat enough?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hey! If there's money on the line, why the FUCK are you telling the truth about the dice you rolled? 50 bucks!? Don't even give me dice! I rolled all sixes. How many sixes do I need to win the 50 bucks? That's how many I rolled. Yahtzee! I'll call it all day long! (giggles) Like, what kind of a moron do you have to be to sit in a controlled environment where you can win 50 dollars from some STUPID scientist and not just tell him what he wants to hear! Who are you serving? What master are you serving? Stay poor!

Maddox: Dick, you don't believe in ethics? (giggles) You don't believe in…

Dick: (interjects) The ethics of dice games!?

Sean: Ohoho. (laughs)

Maddox: No, the honor code?

Dick: Are you fucking insane? (Maddox laughs)

Sean: (laughs) Don't you know who you're talking to!? (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cackles) I do.

Sean: Are you new to the show?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Why, would you do it?! Would you sit there…(stammers) you're in an empty room! It's just you. You can fill out a form of what number you rolled on that die, and that determines how much money some stupid grad student in a lab coat hands you when you walk out the door, you're gonna write down 3? When 6 gives you 50 bucks!? That's fucking retarded!! (yells)

Maddox: I mean, well, if you believe that, Dick, then what's stopping you from just robbing a bank? What's stopping you from…

Dick: (interjects) Because the risk…

Maddox: (interjects) Hold on. Hold on. What's stopping you from being in a jewelry store, looking at a watch, a nice expensive $3000 watch.

Dick: Mhmm. Yeaaaaaaah. (grins)

Maddox: And when the teller turns his back, just swiping it!? What's stopping you from taking a handful of candy from a liquor store when the clerk turns around!? What's stopping you from stealing anything at that point?!

Sean: Science.

Dick: Because…yeah. The risk to reward is not under my threshold. In the matter of the jewelry store.

Maddox: So unless there is some punitive consequence, you're telling me that you would break EVERY law?

Dick: No, that's not what I said at all.

Maddox: What laws would you break without a punitive consequence?

Dick: What do you want me to do, list them?

Maddox: Well, what do you think…'cause clearly, stealing is not an issue for you.

Dick: Um, no. I steal shit with that pap…with that plastic bag ban all the time.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Like, fuck you. Fuck you, I have to pay 10 cents for his bag? You could easily pay the 10 cents. This butter is falling into the bag.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Go fuck yourself.

Maddox: I agree. I agree with that, actually, 'cause they are ripping us off, that's a huge ripoff.

Dick: Yeah. So what do you mean, list all the laws? Like..(stammers)

Maddox: Well, no, but…stealing in general, you don't have a problem with stealing in general.

Dick: I don't know how you could…how someone could answer that.

Maddox: It's…I'm just asking..

Dick: (interjects) It's illegal.

Maddox: Would you steal…would you steal more of…like, I'm trying to get to the bottom of this.

Dick: Would I download a car? Absolutely.

Maddox: 'Cause…cause…

Dick: (interjects) I…I pirate shit all the time!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I don't care!

Maddox: Okay. Without a punitive respo…consequence. Would you steal, or not? 'Cause that's what the…you're saying the study, that rich people are three or four times more likely to cheat at this game to win $50. People who make over…

Dick: (interjects) Cheating is not even illegal.

Maddox: People who make over $200,000, right? I'm not talking about illegal. I'm talking about right or wrong. We're talking about ethics, here.

Dick: No. (scoffs) Then..then it's a conversation that I cannot have.

Maddox: Alright. (giggles)

Dick: Because I don't understand…I don't understand even the conceit of ethics!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: It's either…it either fits your tolerance of risk versus reward, or it doesn't.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Especially at…at some point, um…even the nature of the business you're doing becomes a grey area.

Maddox: Like, what do you mean?

Dick: Mmm…I don't wanna sidetrack the whole conversation.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: What…

Maddox: So, uh…this goes on here, and…and this guy who made this study was criticized as being a Liberal.

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: 'Cause that's the first thing…'cause people…(stammers) people tend to think of rich people as conservative and…middle class people as being more Liberal, or…or poor people as being more Liberal.

Dick: Definitely poor.

Maddox: That's not…that's not the case at all. Uh, being Liberal or Conservative…(stammers) surprising…actually, not so surprisingly, if you think about it, has more to do with where you live, because people who live in rural areas, like in Montana, uh, where the population of the entire state is, what, like, under a couple million. Versus people who live in highly concentrated areas like Los Angeles or New York or Chicago, or Stockholm…they tend to be more Liberal, because as you have more spaces that are…common use. That the public has to use. People tend to favor legislation that defines the rules of conduct on how and when people use those spaces. And that's why people tend to think, well, you know, big cities are Liberal. It's not because they necessarily have something inherently Liberal about them, it's that they need those laws and regulations to define the rules of conduct for common use. For things that are common use, like public area…

Dick: (interjects) That's a theory.

Maddox: Versus conservative areas, like Montana. Uh…people are more self-reliant. They don't have as much common use. They don't…your next closest neighbor might be 20 minutes away. So you don't need the government to come in and tell you what to do and when to do it. That's why…that's why there's Liberal and Conservative. So it's kind of surprising that they accused this guy of being Liberal. Here's what he said.

(Clip starts: Male Narrator: "So, experimental evidence that rich people are more likely to break the law while driving, help themselves to candy meant for children, cheat in a game of chance, also to lie during negotiations, and endorse unethical behavior, including stealing at work."

Male Voice 1: "We published these studies in relatively obscure scientific journals, and literally the next day, were getting hundreds of emails from around the world, and a lot quite hostile."

Male Voice 2: "I've gotten, uh, a lot of vitriol and hate mail from people calling me out for junk science, and having a Liberal agenda."

Male Narrator: "Hey, but wait. Didn't those who complained have a point that the research was done at a famously, some might say, infamously Liberal university?"

Male Voice 2: "I regularly hear the Berkeley idiot scientist…"

Dick: Oh, boy. (annoyed)

Male Voice 2: "who's finding…what they expect to find. Our findings apply to both Liberals and Conservatives. It doesn't matter who you are, if you're wealthy, you're more likely to show these patterns of results."

Male Narrator: "Results consistent across 30 studies run on thousands of people all over the United States.")

Maddox: Thirty different studies on thousands of people all across the United States found the same consistent results, regardless of political affiliation.

Dick: Yeah, you're…you're saying it, but I think you've failed to convince that these results are in any way bad. Uh…

Maddox: (interjects) Dick, whether…I…I can't…

Dick: …they're taking candy meant for kids…how much candy do these kids need?

Maddox: (interjects) I mean, I don't know…

Dick: (interjects) Like, the kids are probably assholes. I'll take the whole bowl!

Maddox: Sure. I mean, sure. But the other things, like lying during negotiations, being more likely to steal…

Dick: (interjects) That's an incredible skill! You should lie at ev…if you walk into a negotiation, you need to have…you need to have, in your mind, that you think you have a better offer from somewhere else. Like, this is…this is stuff that rich people know from their upbringing!! This is WHY they stay rich! Because they understand things. You're negotiating! It's 100% about bluffs! What the fuck is….there's no best price of anything! It's what you're comfortable walking away from!!

Maddox: Well, lemme ask you this, Dick. Do you think that it's good or bad?

Dick: I don't…what the fuck does that even mean?

Maddox: (giggles) You can't answer that question.

Dick: Good or bad? Look…if you're…

Maddox: You can't answer that question.

Dick: If you're poor…if you're poor, these are the reasons why you're poor! If you're poor, you need to look at the behavior of these rich people and realize that everything in the world is a scarce resource, and rich people know how to compete for it better than you! That applies to every single part of their thinking, whether they're taking candy from kids or lying about a dice game to make fifty dollars! This is what you should be paying attention to if you're poor and you wanna get ahead. Whether it's good, that would be good for YOU. You will improve YOUR life if you adopt these strategies. It's…it's bad for these dumb shits giving out 50 dollars, I guess. It's bad for these imaginary kids who are not getting their fucking candy for free!!

Maddox: Dick, if…first of all, if more people…I'm not saying if everybody, 'cause that's a slippery slope argument. 'Cause I don't think everyone would ever do this. But I'm saying, if more people, like, even the majority of people CHEATED at jobs and they cheated when it came to stealing, and they cheated when it came to ethics, and they just grabbed as much as they could, you realize that would be pure chaos!

Dick: They are doing it nonstop!

Maddox: No, they're not!

Dick: (interjects) They are…

Maddox: (interjects) The majority of people are not, Dick!

Dick: (interjects) How many people are listening to this podcast at work right now!? That's theft!

Maddox: The majority…no it's not! Not necessarily…

Dick: (interjects) They're stealing time! They're getting fucking paid for it!

Maddox: (interjects) Depends on your job! Depends on your job! If you're an illustrator, if you're somebody who does a creative task. If you're somebody who models, does 3D modeling or texturing, or painting, or whatever it is…

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Sometimes you don't have to have that cognitive part of your brain occupied by your task at hand!

Sean: (interjects) That's…

Maddox: 'Cause you can listen to a podcast and still work, and drive!

Sean: That is how you get shitty Sonic the Hedgehogs!! (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Fuck you, Sean! Sean!!

Sean: Being distracted when you're using a 3D modeling program.

Maddox: I'll cut your other shoe, too. (Sean laughs) So, Dick, if everybody…

Sean: (interjects) I need new shoes anyway.

Maddox: The majority of people do NOT cheat! The majority of people are NOT rich. The majority of people, if they stole…

Dick: No shit.

Maddox: …and they cheated. And they just grabbed for themselves, you realize that that is not only unethical, but it is also counterproductive to the evolution of society. They have found that even in species of fruit bats, that altruistic behavior increases the chances of the entire species surviving longer! You found…they found this to be the case…

Dick: (interjects) Fuck the species.

Maddox: This found…why, Dick? (frustrated) Why?! Why…

Dick: 'Cause, what does it matter?

Maddox: Why do you hate everything and everyone so much? (Sean laughs)

Dick: I don't hate everyone and everything, I just don't care about the species. Like, wha…

Maddox: (interjects) You wouldn't be alive today if someone earlier…some society collectively…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: …didn't make these altruistic decisions…

Dick: (interjects) False!

Maddox: Deciding not to…

Dick: (interjects) False. Totally false.

Maddox: Not to steal. Not to cheat. Dick, we all agree…on certain rules…

Dick: (interjects) I'm not the man to defend it, but…

Maddox: (interjects) Hold on, lemme finish this point.

Dick: (interjects) Economic is based on…is being as selfish as possible.

Maddox: Lemme finish this point.

Dick: (interjects) What you're saying is false.

Maddox: L..lemme…no, that's not true. That's absolutely not true.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Lemme finish this point. If we didn't all agree upon a certain set of rules of conduct that we all abide by, even if it's just the honor system, because at some point, Dick, honor has currency! And you know it does!

Dick: No.

Maddox: You know it fucking does! You have your own honor system! You totally do. I know…

Dick: (interjects) And it's expensive. You're paying for it.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: That's an ego thing.

Maddox: Well, you just said no, and now you're saying yes. Make up your mind. You have an honor system, and everyone in society does. And if we don't agree by certain rules of conduct that we all play by, then everything falls apart. What can you rely on if you don't have rules?

Dick: So what are you saying? No stealing candy? (annoyed) From kids?

Maddox: What is your…(Sean laughs) Where is your…

Sean: (interjects) Is that what you took away from all that?

Dick: Yeah. (giggles) Don't do…don't do these things. I got it. I mean, I've read the…I've heard of the Bible.

Maddox: It's not…just the Bible, Dick. This is…

Dick: (interjects) Don't kill.

Maddox: This…this…they even found this…

Dick: (interjects) Listen to your parents.

Maddox: They even found this to be the case in fruit bats. And they found…

Dick: (interjects) So rich people are worse than fruit bats. I got it. What's next on the anti-rich people…

Maddox: (interjects) That's not…

Dick: It's an expensive soapbox. That's all I'm saying. Treat your…treat yourself.

Maddox: That's not my point. That's not my point.

Dick: Treat yourself. Be a little more aggressive.

Maddox: Well, this leads me to the…the modern definition of affluenza. Which leads me to a guy named Ethan Couch.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: He's a teenager who…killed four people while drunk driving. This guy had very rich parents and, uh…

Dick: Oh, boy.

Maddox: His dad…his dad owned a sheet metal business in Texas. Um…they have a huge, sprawling mansion…

Dick: (interjects) It's Texas, though.

Maddox: Yeah, but it's…I mean…this…this thing is pretty…

Dick: (interjects) They weren't that rich.

Maddox: Dick…I…look. That rick…

Dick: (interjects) I'm just saying!

Maddox: Relative to what, Dick?! In Texas…look, you can be, uh…you can take a middle class person in LA and plop them down in the middle of Utah or Wisconsin.

Dick: And they look rich.

Maddox: Sure. But the…like, he's rich. Obviously.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: In Texas.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Right? It doesn't matter. Like, he's not rich in New York. It's irrelevant. He's r…this is a very rich family. They had money…'cause here's the thing, Dick. Just because their business might be valued at a certain thing, doesn't mean they don't have investments or inheritance, or maybe they also struck the lottery, or something else. They're very rich.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: They have multiple HUGE mansions in Texas. This kid, uh…when he was 13 years old. Or, no. I think at the time, he was, like, 14 or 15 years old. He was drinking..

Dick: (interjects) Very young.

Maddox: Yeah. He was drinking in a house…in one of their houses, that he was supposed to be cleaning up. And he had a bunch of his friends over. He was showing off. Uh…one of 'em wanted to go to a convenience store. So he hopped in his pickup truck, and his friends told him not to. They said, "Dude, you're way too drunk. Don't do this." Uh…and he's like…

Dick: (interjects) Gotta prove 'em wrong! We've all been there!

Maddox: He got…he got angry. (Dick chuckles) He got angry and his friends, and insisted on going down to the convenience store. Uh, so he hopped in the car, along with 8 other people. There was, uh…there was I think five in the cabin…

Dick: (interjects) Were you the prosecuting attorney at his trial?

Maddox: No, I didn't…

Dick: (interjects) This feels like a closing statement. (Maddox giggles) "Ladies and gentlemen…" I mean, he was already convicted.

Maddox: Uh, no. Well, I'll get to that. But five people in the cabin…uh, in the cab, and then two people in the back. In the flatbed.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: He was playing chicken with oncoming cars.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Back to the Future taught us that lesson. He shoulda watched that.

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)

Dick: Don't play chicken.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: With Needles.

Maddox: Well, or drunk…drunk drive.

Dick: Yeah, but they didn't teach that lesson in Back to the Future. They taught no chicken.

Maddox: So, he was coming around the bend. There happened to be a car pulled over on the side of the road. It wasn't even around the bend. He lost control 'cause he fishtailed trying to avoid some car that didn't swerve. Um, he fishtailed. Was in part of the ditch. And there was a car that had pulled over earlier because they had a flat tire. And the woman outside was, uh, looking for some help.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: So the residents inside this house. There's this house, that she pulled over in front of, where it was a guy, his wife, and his daughter. His wife and his daughter ran outside to help this poor woman. And then, during that time, uh…another car pulled over to help them out, too. Uh, a pastor. A youth pastor. He told, uh…he told this kid that was with him, "Stay in the car. Lemme go check on this real quick." So four people standing outside, trying to help this…this lady with her flat tire. And along comes this idiot, barreling down the highway. And slams into all four of them, killing them.

Dick: Dead!

Maddox: Killing them. And then the car flipped over, the truck flipped over, all said, 14 people were injured. 14 people were involved in this accident. 9 of them injured. 4 of them dead. And then when the judge…

Dick: (interjects) Gotta hang him, right? He got hanged for that.

Maddox: You would think. (scoffs)

Dick: No, not really.

Sean: Wait, that's only 13 people you accounted for. What happened to the other one?

Maddox: The driver. The driver.

Sean: He was fine?

Dick: Ugh. (groans)

Maddox: He was fine.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Maddox: The driver, also..

Dick: (interjects) He walked away. I think he talked to one of the…his parents as he left.

Maddox: He did! He did. He walked away…

Dick: (interjects) He walked away drunk.

Maddox: He…he…he snuck out of the vehicle and walked away, and he came up to some of the victims who were still alive. (stammers) And he told them. He said, "Hey listen. Remember my name. My parents will take care of this. They'll get you out of this." (Dick cackles) Yeah.

Dick: Are they necromancers?! (grins)

Maddox: (scoffs) You would think! I don't know. No, they're…they're just rich, Dick.

Dick: Money only goes so far.

Maddox: They're just rich.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um…he said, "My parents will take care of this."

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: So, his parents did. They hired the best lawyers they could. And these lawyers they hired also had this doctor. And the doctor diagnosed this kid with "affluenza". He says that…

Dick: (interjects) Sure, that sounds good.

Maddox: He says that his, um…his upbringing as a rich person, with rich parents…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Sheltered him from…morality and ethics, and the rules of conduct, and…any kind of, you know, repercussions or consequences. And he argued that in court. And the judge gave this kid a slap on the wrist.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Didn't give him any jail time.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Gave him, like, some community service.

Dick: No, no, no, no. You're mischaracterizing now.

Sean: Don't you see that in poor…in poor people…

Dick: (interjects) Well, hold on. Of course you do. Let's…let's go over the facts, here. Because I'm very familiar with this case. Um, let's start…let's start with the…the judge's slap on the wrist. 10 years probation, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: She said that she did not consider the affluenza defense as valid. Like, I get that it's great outrage porn, and it's something for ever….and it obviously is stupid. But this is a…the defense attorneys do ANYTHING to get their client off. Like, that's their job. And…and…(stammers) like, that's the entire purpose. They'll being in experts. It's a Twinkie defense. Uh…he's…he's too rich to know what he did wrong. Um, he's a teenager who was drunk, right!? This is the defense. But the judge said explicitly, she did not consider the "affluenza" defense as valid in any way. So…just so we know. Like, just so we're clear on that. 'Cause it was…the outrage porn storm on this was, like, a Fujiwara 5, right!? Everybody was losing their minds about affluenza and rich people getting off!! But she did say that explicitly. Then, she also went on to say, "He's a teenager. He clearly, clearly needs therapy." So her…her intention was…now this is…now, judge, obviously, she can make a mistake, and I'm not saying I agree with this, but her intention was to get this "child", child who did something atrocious while being drunk, which is why we don't let kids drink in the first place, right? Like, that's…that's kind of an important…as someone who's very familiar with behaving like an asshole while drinking!? (Sean giggles) I can say that, as a child, in NO way can you handle being that drunk. Especially around your friends, and especially when he's already dealing with so much parental neglect. That was…that was her intention. To get him therapy that his rich parents could afford. She'd done it before in the past, where she tried to get people ther…now…now you could make the argument that it was also racist! Which may very well be. Because…

Maddox: (interjects) Wait, why? Why?

Dick: …a similar thing happened to a black kid, before.

Maddox: Okay. Right.

Dick: But she sentenced him to, ummm…I THINK prison.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Because of that. I don't know if she even gave him the option.

Maddox: No, that's true.

Dick: Not that he…he wouldn't have had the option.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: 'Cause his parents couldn't afford it. But you've got…you've got a LOT of things coming together in this trial. I think it's a shame that what people got out of it was this "affluenza" idea, when that's…that's the entire point of a defense attorney. Like, of course they're gonna go for that. The…those are the facts. She…that's what she was trying to do. Completely outside of r affluenza. Now. NOW. It backfired. Let's start with "it backfired". Let's start with "it didn't fucking work, because the mom tried to take the kid to Mexico!!" They got arrested trying to escape to Mexico, like, three weeks ago!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Did you know that?!

Maddox: Yeah, that's why I brought this in. Yeah.

Dick: Oh, my fucking God! Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. He just got caught. This is from Yahoo News. Um, he just got caught. He's recently back in headlines, because he got arrested trying to flee in Mexico. "Couch and his mother Tanya were arrested in Mexico last month following a more than two-week manhunt. His mother was deported to the United States last month."

Dick: And it's horrible…and this is all happening to a kid! Like, a teenager!

Maddox: Dick, this ju…no, but you are…you are TOTALLY giving this kid a free pass because he's supposedly a kid. They try…teenagers under the age of 18 as adults all the fucking time! And this judge did the exact same thing to a black kid!! Why the double standard?!

Dick: Well, I just explained…

Maddox: (interjects) Why this piece of shit!? And…and her…and his parents…this kid's parents…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Were put under oath!! And they asked them a series of questions, like…"Where did this kid get this idea that he can live his life with impunity?" And here's what his dad said. Here's some interviews from…

Dick: (interjects) Well again, he was very drunk.

Maddox: Here's his dad's philos…it's not just being drunk, Dick. Even…even outside of being drunk, he has a history of behaving like this. Entitled shithead!!

Dick: Look, lemme start…

Maddox: (interjects) Listen, look…

Dick: (interjects) No, no, hold on. Lemme start, first. You wanna throw a kid in prison? I don't care. Do it.

Maddox: Okay. Here's…here's a clip that sets up this kid's mentality based on what his parents taught him.

(Clip starts…Male interviewer: "Did you teach Ethan that wealth bought privilege?"

Ethan's father: "I don't believe I ever intentionally tried to teach him that."

Dick: Of course it does.

Male interviewer: "Did you teach Ethan that indeed, because your family was wealthy, that the rules didn't apply to you?"

Ethan's father: "Mmmmmmmm….nnnnnnever.")

Maddox: Okay, so that's what his dad says, "mmmmmmmmmnever." (goofy voice)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Idiot.

Dick: But the first one's true. Wouldn't you say that wealth buys privilege? That's the…like, that's one of…they're one and the same.

Maddox: It can, but you don't necessarily have to teach your kids that.

Dick: (interjects) But how do you…

Maddox: (interjects) You don't have to teach your kids that just because you're wealthy, you can have excess privilege! And what he's talking about isn't just privilege in general, Dick. He's talking about privilege outside of the norm. Outside of what you would expect. If you…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah but it's…go ahead, sorry.

Maddox: You can teach your children humility.

Dick: Well, yeah. But, I mean, let's not tell kids that they're stupid. Like, part of the reason that this is so outrageous is because of the AWFUL defense that poor people get in court! Like, simply looking at going to court, wealthy people are going to have MASSIVE amounts of privilege. Like, if poor people got the same privilege of a proper…

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: …defense in court!? They..they wouldn't go to jail.

Maddox: Dick, I'll cede you that point. No big deal.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Whatever. If you can…you can teach your kids that, uh, "Yeah, you're rich, so you have more privilege." But the other part…

Dick: (interjects) Of course.

Maddox: …of it is about being…impugn..

Dick: (interjects) But she said no.

Maddox: About having…about having impunity.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: To…rules and laws.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: And his dad…his dad denied it, but here's…here's what…

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Here's a couple of things that happened. This from, uh…yeah. Listen to this. Check this out.

(Clip starts: male narrator: "And get a load of what he allegedly said during at 1992 stop for, you got it, a DUI."

Maddox: This is his dad.

Dick: Well…

Male interviewer: "Did you tell the arresting officer "I make more in a day than you make in a year?"

Dick: (chuckles) Yeah.

Couch's Father: "Probably."

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Male narrator: "His parents happily handing over the keys of their trucks to their 13-year-old, something that, at the time, caught the attention of one of Ethan's teachers."

Male interviewer: "And what did she say?"

Male voice: "Mrs. Anderson said he's not allowed to drive to school."

Male interviewer: "And what was Fred's response?"

Dick: "Fuck you!"

Male voice: "Something to the effect that "I'll buy the school", or something along that line." (Dick laughs loudly))

Maddox: Now, listen to this thing. Listen to the end of this clip, okay? (Dick still laughing) Hold on. Listen to this.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

(Clip starts again:

Male interviewer: "And when he didn't buy the school, he pulled Ethan out of the school?"

Male voice: "Yes, he did."

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Male narrator: "After that, Ethan's parents opted for home schooling.")

(they both crack up laughing)

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Ahhhh. What a fucking asshole!!!

Dick: Ahhhhh. Yeah.

Maddox: Idiot, shithead!! These are the type of people…(stammers) you know, they pull their kid outta school!

Dick: (interjects) That's rich people!

Maddox: So first, look at the lessons. So fuck this judge, and fuck you for defending her or him in ANY capacity!!

Dick: Maddox, I'm just telling you what happened.

Maddox: No! Fuck this judge, because she KNEW this!! This is not…this is on public record, okay? That…that her parents…why would you give these parents, who raised this delinquent shithead, the benefit of doubt, that they would give this kid the therapy he needs?! (angry) And by the way…the therapy that he supposedly needs?! They put him in a fucking resort in Malibu for a week…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: …after the court case.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (stammers) Where he got pampered and massaged.

Sean: But as a judge, are you allowed to bring past transgressions?

Dick: Or your parents' transgressions? Of course not.

Maddox: (they talk over each other) You're allowed…you're allowed to…

Sean: (interjects) You just have to deal with the facts of the case, right?

Maddox: Sean…Sean, you're allowed to assess the flight risk. And her justification for giving this kid 10 years' probation and a slap on the wrist was because, ummm, he was supposed to get therapy and he needed help. Poor kid, oh, poor fucking victim!! And, by the way, if he needs therapy, if he needs help, what does he need help from? Affluenza.

Sean: But he had never…he had never run before. There's the flight risk.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But h…but she knows…

Sean: (interjects) I know he had the potential to, with more money…

Maddox: (interjects) It's not just that, uhh, Sean. She knows the justification for this, right? Is that his parents allegedly would take care of this kid, make sure he got the therapy that he needed…they have a TRACK RECORD of abusing their power, abusing their wealth, abusing the laws of the land, and he KILLED FOUR PEOPLE!!

Sean: Yes, again, I don't think she can bring in that past stuff about the dad saying you can buy your…I'll buy the school, all that kind of stuff.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: In this case. I'm not sure…I'm not sure.

Dick: No.

Sean: But I don't think that you can.

Dick: It's…

Sean: (interjects) But I'll tell you, like, another thing…um…I believe that rich people probably feel a little more entitled as far as…

Dick: (interjects) Of course!!

Sean: (inaudible while Dick talks) Yeah, it's like, "No, I don't have to stop for this guy." "No, no, no. I can buy this. I pay your salary." All that kind of stuff.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But…like, a guy like Warren Buffett is so much wealthier than this guy, it isn't funny. I mean, again, like Dick said…

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: As far as, like, his company's sales…

Dick: The sheet metal company?

Sean: It's…it's under 10 million a year.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That sounds like a lot. That ain't shit.

Maddox: I know. I know, Sean.

Dick: He's probably barely in the 1%.

Sean: That ain't shit.

Maddox: Look, I…I understand Sean. Look, that's why I brought in affluenza specifically, and not rich people, because I don't think that…that all rich people are like this. I know…I have a lot of people…I have a lot of friends who are wealthy and well off. Some of 'em are shitheads, and some of 'em are great!

Sean: I think these people's…I think this guy's parents are TERRIBLE.

Dick: Horrible! Horrible, obviously.

Sean: And he learned, either from direct statement, or, more importantly, example, 'cause you don't have to tell a kid things. They can watch how you behave, and that definitely imprints on them.

Dick: Mhmm.

Sean: You know, a counterpoint guy, like, uh…Warren Buffett. He says his kids are not getting much, and they have to work, and they will always have to work.

Maddox: Right.

Sean: That's what he says.

Maddox: Right. Yeah, of course.

Sean: And people take him at face value.

Maddox: Of course.

Sean: He's supposed to be a pretty genuine guy.

Maddox: Right. He's one of the good ones.

Dick: He seems like it.

Maddox: He seems like it, yeah. He seems like one of the good…same with Bill Gates, too. Um…there are rich people who don't behave in this outlandish, monstrous behavior.

Dick: I think you've got that reversed. There are rich people who behave in this outlandish, monstrous way.

Maddox: No!

Dick: Just like there are poor people…what do you mean, no?

Maddox: It's the majo…it's the majority, they found.

Dick: The majority of rich people are like this? See, that's…

Maddox: (interjects) They found…

Dick: …when you get crazy, man!

Maddox: No, but that's what the studies say, Dick! Look into this!

Dick: No, the studies say cheating on a dice game?

Maddox: It's not just that! They're more likely to lie in negotiations…steal…

Dick: (interjects) That's a good…again, that's a good thing.

Maddox: Condone…condone unethical…(stammers) it's not. It's literally not. The definition of…

Dick: (interjects) Well.

Maddox: …the largely accepted…

Dick: (interjects) Don't do your own negotiations, then.

Maddox: The largely accepted…lying…lying during a negotiation…uh, I think you are conflating that with making a good case for yourself. (Dick scoffs) You can make a good case for yourself. (Dick chuckles) But if you outright lie, like, say, "Hey…uh, buy this car." And the car is a lemon, and you try to sell that car? That's lying during a negotiation. That's not…

Dick: (interjects) But that's a crime.

Maddox: That's not making a good ca…right!! That's what I'm saying!

Dick: Well, that's a lot different than a LIE.

Sean: Here's something that goes to YOUR point. And it's that when people get in real trouble, where there might be, you know, jail time involved, I think people in general will take whatever outs they can.

Dick: Of course!

Sean: And that money, it's like, if I can throw money at the problem and make it go away, I'm going to. So as potential consequences get more severe, they're going to do that, which means things like lying. Bribery. Stuff like that. And it's just because they have the means to do it.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: So that m…I guess that makes them less ethical people in that respect.

Maddox: Um, it's not always…it's not always the case, Sean. Sometimes…

Sean: (Interjects) No, I didn't say always!!

Maddox: Right, right, right. Um, but I have two more cases here. So this…affluenza is the problem, and it's not just this kid….this kid, Ethan Couch, um, is the one that pop…this phrase became popular with.

Dick: Yeah, it's, uh…

Maddox: But there's two more…two more…

Dick: (interjects) Everyone will get pissed off about it. In the news.

Maddox: Right. But it's n…because it is outrageous, what happened.

Dick: Well yeah, but it's a defense attorney. I mean, it didn't have any impact on the judge's decision. She says it in her own words.

Maddox: (interjects) It…(stammers) it did.

Dick: I don't know how it can get more clear…

Maddox: (interjects) It clearly did. It clearly did, Dick! And why did she believe…

Dick: She says…(giggles)

Maddox: Why did she believe…look, I'm not a fucking idiot! If I was…look, just knowing…

Dick: (interjects) Prove it!

Maddox: Just knowing what I know…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Knowing what I know about this case, and knowing what I know about her…(stammers) this shithead's parents…like, first of all, if you end up in my courtroom because your son, due to lack of supervision, got drunk and killed four people…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I know something about you, as a parent! And that you're a fucking idiot, and you're delinquent, and you raised your child deliquently!!

Sean: (interjects) And that may…

Maddox: And neglectfully!

Sean: And that may or may not be…

Dick: (interjects) Bad parents. (grins)

Sean: …due to money. That may or may not be due to money.

Maddox: (stammers) Money is irrelevant at this point, Sean. All I'm just saying, the facts of this case is…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This kid ended up in her courtroom for killing four people. So I know all I need to know about YOUR parenting ability!

Sean: So if they're rich, it's called affluenza, if they're poor, it's called entitlement. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: No, it's…the rich…

Sean: (interjects) I mean…(they all talk over each other)

Dick: Yeah

Maddox: The affluenza is entitlement.

Sean: It's the same behavior.

Dick: It's the same behavior.

Maddox: No, no. Affluenza is entitlement. Poor…poor…

Sean: (interjects) I know…

Maddox: (interjects) Poorness has more to do, Sean, a lot of times, with depression. And lack of means. And…and being desperate, and suicidal, and frustrated.

Sean: No, but I'm saying when poor people do the same thing…

Dick: (interjects) It's called something else.

Sean: Which they can't…it's always, yeah. It's called something else. And you hear that sometimes, too…

Dick: (interjects) And they go to jail.

Sean: …where it's, like, "My kid has never done anything! He wasn't in trouble. He was blablablablabla."

Dick: (interjects) The victim of the system!

Sean: And they just…yeah, exactly.

Dick: Victim of the system.

Sean: So you hear that too!!

Maddox: Right. Well, rich people get far more impunity in society.

Dick: Of course.

Maddox: When they get in trouble.

Sean: Totally agreed.

Maddox: And here's two more cases.

Sean: Yes.

Maddox: Real quick.

Dick: Of COURSE.

Maddox: This is from, uh…the Bill Maher show. Listen to this.

Dick: Uh-oh. I don't know if I can listen to this.

(Sound clip: Bill Maher: "This is the youngest heir to the Hilton hotel fortune, Paris Hilton's brother, Conrad Hughes Fuckface Hilton III." (audience laughs)

Dick: Oho, well.

"Who…who last year, was on a flight from London when he, get this, tried to smoke pot and cigarettes up to 20 times in the bathroom… (Dick laughs) disabling the smoke detector, physically fought with the flight crew…"

Dick: Ooohhhhh.

"And then told them, "I could get you all fired in five minutes. I know your boss.""

(Dick cracks up laughing)

"And when told he was upsetting the other passengers, said, "I will own fucking anyone on this flight. They are fucking peasants."

Dick: Yeah.

"And when the crew finally had to physically restrain him, he said, "My father will pay this out. He's done it before."

Dick: Ugh, that's embarrassing.

"What about poor Kylie Jenner. When she turned 16, she got a $125,000 Mercedes, and crashed it into some other motorists who didn't understand she was in a hurry. And here she is, this week, a month after her father's deadly accident, texting while driving.")

Maddox: Piece of shit. Pieces of shit. Just entitled rich people who have…(stammers) this affluenza. Because these people have the exact same upbringing, where they are taught that they can act with impunity. The laws don't apply to them. And they're entitled to everything, even other people's lives. How is that a libertarian principle? Life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness? They're taking people's lives!

Dick: What are you talking about, libertarian?

Maddox: Because it has to do with FREEDOM. It has to do with liberty! They are literally taking other people's RIGHTS!! (yells)

Dick: Yeah, um…they're committing crimes.

Maddox: Yeah! And the only reason they're crimes, Dick, is because we as a society have all agreed upon a basic fabric of ethics. We've all decided this thing that we do is wrong or right. There's NO other reason we can or can't do anything in society other than we collectively have agreed that some behavior is bad, and frowned upon, and we shouldn't do it.

Dick: Yeah. I don't think anyone's debating that, um…it should be legal for these people to have murdered the victims of this car crash.

Maddox: Well, uh…

Dick: (interjects) Is that what you think we're saying?

Maddox: You…earlier, said that you should steal and cheat.

Dick: So do you think I think that if you're rich, you should just drive on the sidewalk, like Grand Theft Auto?

Maddox: I don't know what you think, Dick?

Dick: Is that what you…

Maddox: (interjects) I asked you…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's…so you're saying you don't know, maybe I do think that. (goofy voice)

Maddox: Well, I asked you earlier!

Dick: (interjects) Maybe I do think rich people should be able to drive on the sidewalk. That's what you're fucking saying? (grins) Okay.

Maddox: I…I asked you earlier, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) That sounds reasonable.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: What else?

Maddox: I asked you earlier what specifically…what laws you think you should specifically be able to break. Or which ones…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, the law book's pretty big.

Maddox: Well, okay.

Dick: Obviously, I think you should be able…obviously I don't care about smoking weed. Um…

Maddox: But, to you, it's like a cost versus risk, right?

Dick: Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna get popped smoking weed in my apartment.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Um…I'm willing to break that law. What other ones you got? The law…look. There's a lot of laws out there.

Maddox: Sure. Sure. Um…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Dick, my problem here, today. Is…

Dick: (interjects) What, you got more?!

Maddox: What?

Dick: I mean, you asked me what I do and do not believe…

Maddox: (interjects) I'm not gonna go through the entire law book, but…

Dick: Well, why'd you ask me which ones that I think you should break?

Maddox: Because you're okay with stealing.

Dick: I dunno, oh, I'm OKAY with it. It happens. What do you want?

Maddox: It doesn't just happen. (scoffs) It's not something that happens, it's not like a (inaudible, talking over each other)

Dick: (interjects) People are doing it…people are doing it all day, every day.

Sean: (giggles) He's a victim of the system!

Maddox: He's a victim of the system. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I j…yeah, officer. Just…this…this stolen thing just ended up in my pocket!

Dick: I…I've stolen lots of things! I…I don't know what to tell you. Clearly, by my behavior, I…do it. I don't want it done to me.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. Well, there you go.

Dick: Oh, NOOOOOOOO!! My affluenza has taken control of my brain! I'm in…I'm infectious. You better watch out.

Sean: I do agree that rich people are probably…most likely, more of them are more entitled. And you see it…

Dick: (interjects) Well, yeah.

Sean: One of the things that I hate the most is a crowded parking lot and a fucking Mercedes parked across two spots.

Maddox: Right. (Dick laughs)

Sean: I fucking hate that!

Dick: You should key them. See, that's a law that I'm fine with you breaking! (Sean chuckles) Like, again, it's all…it's a very…it's all in context. You should key that car, would you agree with that? That…(stammers) if you saw someone key that car, you'd go, "Oh, good, fuck them."

Maddox: Uhhh, it depends.

Sean: I would!

Maddox: I…I think that…

Dick: (interjects) Ah, see, it depends!

Sean: I would.

Maddox: I think that…I think that…uh…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah. Good for you, Sean. Be honest.

Maddox: No, I…it depends. I mean, I've keyed cars.

Dick: Why did you key them?

Maddox: Uh, this one time…

Dick: (interjects) Is it because you're wealthy?

Maddox: No. This one time, uh, this, uh…

Dick: (interjects) Thought you were above the lawwwwwwwwww.

Maddox: This car…this car pulled around the corner in the rain. And, uh…this was in a predominantly gay area. I was…I was getting lunch, and I saw this car splash these, uh…these two skinny gay guys. (Dick cracks up)

Sean: Was the car…was the car a Probe?

Maddox: No, it was not. (Dick giggles)

Sean: It wasn't a Probe?

Dick: Like, drive through a puddle?

Maddox: It was not a Probe, Sean. I get your joke. (Sean giggles) Um, but this car was, like…it was a big pickup truck on a lift.

Dick: Yeah. (laughs)

Maddox: And he almost..he almost hit these guys, too. They were crossing the road…

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: And he just whipped around the corner, almost hit them, splashed them, and they guys were like, "Hey!" And then the guy got out of his car, the driver.

Dick: Uh-oh. I bet I know what's happening…

Maddox: This tattooed…this tattooed fucking idiot. Like, gets out of his car. And starts calling them the "f" word.

Dick: The "F" word?!

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Friends?!

Maddox: Yeah, friends. (Dick cracks up) He started calling them friends. (Dick laughs)

Sean: Listen, friends!!!!!!!!

Maddox: Listen, friends!!

Dick: Listen, you friends!!

Sean: I get to do what I want!!

Maddox: Listen to your pal!

Sean: Driving a Probe!

Maddox: Yeah. You guys look real happy. You guys are a real couple of gay guys. Couple of real gay guys.

Dick: Is it the…is it the mythological F-word, or the other one?

Maddox: It's the bad one.

Dick: Oh, I don't know which one that is.

Maddox: So he got outta the car.

Dick: Alright. (laughs)

Maddox: Starting cussing these poor dudes out.

Dick: (sighs) Ugh.

Maddox: And these guys, like, they look like wimpy dudes. They're not gonna fight this dude, who's obviously a hotheaded idiot.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So, uh, I saw him, like, pull into the parking structure. Normally, I wouldn't really give that much of a shit, but…he pulled into the parking structure that my car was parked in.

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: And I thought, "Oh."

Dick: Convenient!

Maddox: We'll see, we'll see, you know? If I finish my meal in time, we'll see where, uh…you know. We'll see what's what.

Dick: See what God wants me to do.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't know!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I walked up there, saw his, uh…his car. His truck.

Sean: Took out my bicycle lock! (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: You know what? Fuck you, Sean!! No, I took care of that car. I took care of that car.

Dick: What do you mean, you took care of it?

Maddox: Hah! Don't worry about it?

Dick: Like, it's sleeping at the bottom of the ocean?

Maddox: Ahhh.

Dick: You can't admit that you keyed it? What did you…

Maddox: (interjects) I gave him a good….

Dick: …do, slash the tires?

Maddox: I gave him a good paint job, Dick!!

Dick: A talking-to?

Maddox: Nah, he just…he just got a new speed…speed streak. But, um…

Dick: …(interjects) You're like the Casey Jones for gay people.

Maddox: This guy…this guy…this guy was a piece of shit.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, uh…he had this…he had this…this girl with him, I think, and she looked so embarrassed at his behavior. Uh, and…I've seen people who are abuse victims. She looked like an abuse victim.

Dick: Probably was!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'll say…I dunno, man. This guy was a real…

Dick: (interjects) I think 100% sure she was.

Maddox: This guy was a real hotheaded idiot.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And those…those gay dudes that that guy bullied will probably never know. Probably never know.

Dick: Well, you did it!

Maddox: Yeah, but there…there was like, a…I'm like a mischievous Santa, I feel. (Sean chuckles) I feel like I give you gifts of vandalism…

Dick: (interjects) It's called the Grinch!!

Maddox: And crime…

Dick: That's who that is! (Maddox laughs) That you're referencing. (Dick giggles)

Sean: You're a modern-day Robin Hood.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, thank you, Sean!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're like Harvey Milk.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But more effeminate. (guffaws)

Maddox: Ooookay. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Defender of gay rights. Harvey Milk.

Maddox: Yeah, well…I…I'll tell you what, Dick. I have to shave all the time.

Dick: Yeah, you have to…

Maddox: (interjects) How effeminate is that?

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. Do we have new Harry's stuff?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I can't get enough of this Harry's stuff. I need a new blade!

Maddox: We do.

Dick: I think my blades are still good, but I want another one, 'cause I wanna use two blades at the same time!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I wanna see what…so that's…that's my advice to listeners. Don't just go to Harry's and get $5 off your first purchase with the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM and buy ONE razor, buy TWO!!! Buy two! You gotta have a backup! Maybe you lose the razor like I lose the remote! Then you need a backup razor! That's what I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah, of course.

Dick: Look, these are German engineered, five-blade cartridges. A close and comfortable shave with no cuts or burns. I can vouch for that. The quality is guaranteed. You get a full refund if you're not happy. Where…where else can you get a full refund if you're not happy?

Sean: You DO need two. Because a lot of people out there have boyfriends or girlfriends who they don't live with, right? You're spending nights over there, they're spending nights over there, you don't have to bring two razors back and forth. Leave one in the medicine cabinet. 'Cause if you forget your razor, you're, like, fuck!

Dick: That's a Sean Tip.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That's a great fucking tip, Sean.

(Sound effect: 'Ding!')

Maddox: There's a Sean Tip!

Sean: Two sets of bathroom items.

Dick: So if you're a girl and you want the guy to stay over, maybe you throw…maybe you put a little Harry's box on the sink. Here you go. This is for you.

Sean: There you go. Uh-huh.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Very smart.

Maddox: Smoothest legs. You'll get the smoothest legs you've ever felt! (laughs)

Dick: Over 1 million guys have already made the switch and thousands more switch every day. Why buy a $32 pack for an eight-pack of blades when you can just get 'em for half the price at How about that?

Maddox: It's a great deal! Thanks for supporting the show, guys. Thank you, Harry's, for supporting us.

Dick: Alright! Okay, here's my problem. It's very simple. This is actually a listener problem, too, uh…Taylor Castillo sent it in to me. But I agree with it. I agree with it 100%. People Who Talk About Their Dreams.

Maddox: Hmm. Why…Sean, Sean, you seem to have a problem with that, right off the get-go.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Why?

Sean: (sighs) It's like…it's like somebody describing a movie…every little detail and nuance of a movie that you don't give a FUCK about.

Dick: That you do not give a fuck about at all.

Sean: You would never see.

Dick: And no thought went into it at all.

Sean: It only means something to THEM, as it relates to them.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: You have your own shit. Keep it to yourself.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: It…it's based on nothing. It's just a…series of emotions that they had. That they're…dumping on you!!

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: With no…no order. No structure. And…no…no sign of when it's ending or where it's begun, or the significance of it, AT ALL! It's…"Here's a bunch of random shit that my brain dumped on me, that I'm now dumping on you."

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: "Get ready for it."

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Get ready for this, 'cause I'm about to waste two minutes of your life! And then I'm gonna stare at you like a slack-jawed asshole, waiting for you to react to something that my brain invented while I was sleeping! That means absolutely nothing and should have no emotional impact on anyone, ever.

Maddox: HMM. Okay. So these are…not your friends you're talking to?

Dick: Um…no…

Maddox: (interjects) Do strangers come up to you and just tell you about their dreams?

Dick: Oh, man. I, uh…I can't…I can't think of an instance of that.

Maddox: Yeah. It doesn't happen! It's usually your friends. And why I don't mind so much, like…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, right, okay. Yeah.

Maddox: It really depends on the friend and whether or not they're a good storyteller, and whether or not they can relate it to me or their lives. I have friends who tell me about their dreams who just ramble on. And then I have friends who tell me about their dreams, and they're really fascinating.

Dick: They're fascinating?!

Maddox: Oh, absolutely.

Dick: What's fascinating about them?

Maddox: Well, sometimes, you…

Dick: (interjects) I'm interested.

Maddox: Sometimes, they make causal connections. Uh, sometimes people have dreams about precognition. Actually, like, two thirds…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait. What's the causal connection? What do you mean?

Maddox: Like, causal connections between…you might…(stammers) like, when you're dreaming…

Dick: (interjects) Like, I had a dream that you offered to buy me dinner tonight.

Maddox: Nope! (giggles)

Dick: Hint, hint, hint. What do you think about that?

Maddox: Uh, when you're dreaming…it's a lot of times, your subconscious mind working out problems in your real life, and those causal connections sometimes can be made while you're dreaming. I have…I have dreamt, uh… a lot of great ideas, that I get up and I write down, and it's not incoherent. I wake up the next day and I read it, and I'm like, "Oh, my God, that was a really good idea!"

Dick: Hmm. You're a pro dreamer.

Maddox: I'm a pro dreamer, buddy! (grins)

Dick: You are…

Maddox: (interjects) I dream like a samurai!!

Dick: Yeah, and then you talk about it. (Maddox laughs) And you bring it in to the real world.

Maddox: Uh, I do, but in a very…coherent way.

Dick: Not me. I'm disgusted by dreams. I wake up, like, "No, no, no, no, no." That didn't happen.

Maddox: (interjects) Well, do you have dr…

Dick: That doesn't…we don't do it.

Maddox: I imagine all your dreams are fucking nightmares, Dick.

Dick: Yeah, that's true.

Maddox: Where everyone's just stealing from you. It's this, like, chaotic world that you've created…

Dick: It's a lot worse than that.

Maddox: Yeah, this, like…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (Dick giggles) This nightmare world that you've created where everyone's just stealing from you all the time. You have to live in a guarded fortress, and there's, like, dog shit and street signs falling over fucking everywhere! (Sean laughs) Uh, yeah. And…and…Rainslick…

Dick: (interjects) Why are you so pissed off? (cracks up)

Maddox: I just…I know. I know. I know. 'Cause I can see your world.

Dick: Why are you still pissed off about the affluenza thing? (grins)

Maddox: Oh, 'cause it's fucking awful, man.

Dick: I'm not…(laughs)

Maddox: I…(stammers) it got me so fuming reading about this dickhead. Just the impunity he had.

Sean: (interjects) I bet that guy…

Maddox: The entitlement.

Sean: …he calls huuuuuge conferences of people together and talks about his dreams.

Maddox: Talks about his dreams. (grins) (Dick laughs)

Dick: That's all he did when he took the stand! All he did was filibuster.

Sean: Locks…locks the doors!

Dick: For 30 hours. Talking about his dreams.

Maddox: He does…all…yeah. His vacant, fucking, 50-yard stare.

Dick: So…do y…so you LIKE hearing about people's dreams. Okay. Maybe this isn't gonna be interesting, then.

Maddox: Depending…

Dick: Would you rather hear about someone's dream, or would you rather hear about their dog?

Sean: Ooh. (in the background)

Maddox: Oh, man. Easily the dream. I…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, fascinating!!

Maddox: HATE hearing about dogs.

Dick: Me too, but…a dream is so much worse for me.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh. No.

Dick: A dream is, like, making me…it makes me wanna slit my throat, like, from two seconds into it.

Maddox: Dick, at…at some level. If somebody's telling me…recounting a dream. There is…there's a chance. There's a possibility. There's a hope that something in the dream is…(stammers) a person. Someone is…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: …in the dream that I can relate to.

Dick: Oh, I see.

Maddox: Talk about. Think about. You know, have some kind of human-level relation to. But when it's a dog, at the end of the day, it's something cute they did, or something stupid that they ate. Or…uh…a fucking trip to the vet. Oh, my God. Trips to the vet stories?! The WORST!!

Dick: Hmm. Okay.

Maddox: Ugggggh!! Poor fucking, uh…Dumpy. Took him to the vet, 'cause he swallow…well, g…what did he swallow? (goofy voice)

Dick: Screwdriver.

Maddox: Tennis ball. Screwdr…I hope. Yeah.

Dick: Whatever. (grins) Yeah, that is a tough one, when they're talking about taking dogs to the vet. 'Cause you never wanna…the only thing I'm thinking is, "Well, don't spend that much money on your…" obviously, put it down, but you can't say that, right?

Maddox: I…I always…

Dick: You're like…"Oh, yeah. Sounds like a REAL tough decision on whether you should spend 6 grand on your dog or not." (Maddox laughs) WHOA!! Yeah, what a brainbuster!

Maddox: I always jump to the conclusion…see, I…I skip the awkward part where I have to suggest they put the dog down…(Dick guffaws) and I just assume that they did.

Dick: You just…you suggest it to them?

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, I always do.

Sean: Don't f…don't f…

Dick: Aw, that's awful.

Maddox: I say, "I'm sorry you had to put your dog down." (laughs)

Sean: Don't forget the months of acupuncture after the $6000 surgery.

Dick: That they have to go through?

Sean: That they're gonna have to go to.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Sean…Sean, you would…

Sean: (interjects) The herbal supplements.

Dick: What about you? Would you rather hear a dream, or someone talking about their dog?

Sean: It's a toss-up. I mean, I like dogs. Some anecdotes I find funny.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Because I've had dogs. I've been around dogs that do that. But…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah. You're not…you're not wrong saying that.

Sean: (interjects) Yeah, no, no, no.

Dick: You've just been influenced by the prior answer.

Sean: Not the…see, and…I see Maddox's point about the, uh…about the dreams, too.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It's a very small percentage of the time, because we do have common dreams. Uh…you know, anxiety dreams, and such. I know the teeth falling out or broken is a common one.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Or your dick falling off. That's bad.

Maddox: Never had that dream.

Dick: Never?

Maddox: Nope.

Dick: Oh, my God. I've had that.

Maddox: Mine's sturdy. Mine's sturdy, man. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: I don't wanna…I don't wanna accidentally talk about my dream, though. That's the risk of bringing this problem in is…

Sean: I know!

Dick: …you can't discuss it without talking about your dreams, so I'm part of the problem, once again.

Sean: That's the first thing I thought.

Maddox: I…I've had dreams where…

Sean: (interjects) Like, "Fuck, we're gonna talk about dreams."

Maddox: I've had dreams where other men in my dream, their dicks were falling off, and they looked to me, 'cause mine was, like, hard as a tree stump!!! You know? Like a redwood?

Dick: You had dreams about other mens' dicks?! (laughing)

Maddox: And then they're like…(cracks up)

Dick: I don't think I've ever dreamed that.

Maddox: No.

Sean: You gotta share some, Milton Berle? (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Oh, shut up! (laughing)

Sean: People out there going, "Who the fuck's Milton Berle?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Google it.

Dick: What about, um…what about a kid telling a story? Do you like that?

Maddox: Oh, the worst! Oh, my gosh, no.

Dick: Okay. Would you rather hear an adult tell a dream, or a kid telling a story, because the adult dream, to me, is like the dumbest part of your brain. Like, below a child. Telling a story to you. And I wake up and go, "Oh, great. Thanks for that stupid story about nothing."

Maddox: Dick, you need better friends, man. What ki…I don't know…like, these aren't strangers…

Dick: (interjects) What are you talking about? Friends?

Maddox: These aren't strangers who are coming up to you to tell you about their dreams. They're always your friends. And if you choose friends who are idiots…

Dick: Well, I mean, actually they're…it's more like ex-girlfriends.

Maddox: There you go!

Dick: But I didn't want to be sexist when I brought this in.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I've never heard a guy tell me about his dreams. (giggles) Those are my friends.

Maddox: Well, when I tell…when I talk about my dreams, I never…I almost never say that they're dreams. I just tell them about interesting things that I discovered.

Dick: Like, that you had four arms, and you…(Sean giggles) drove a biplane through a giant gorilla? (Maddox giggles) What are you…what kind of interesting things are you talking about when you do that?

Maddox: I don't really talk about those dreams, usually. I talk about dreams where…where I learned something or I make a causal connection, like I said.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: One time…one time, in my dream, I…I dreamt an entire rhyming poem. And I know…

Dick: (interjects) Already I want to kill myself.

Maddox: I know. I wanna kick my own ass!

Dick: Yeah. So you know it's a problem!

Maddox: No, no. But…but here's the thing. I…I remember getting up and writing it down, like, you know, 3-4 AM, bleary-eyed, and then waking up the next day thinking it's gonna be total…uh, total gibberish. And I looked at it, and it rhymed, and it made sense! And I thought, "Wow, holy shit, that's a r…that came to me in a dream!"

Dick: What was the poem?

Maddox: Um, it was about flight. And I'll never say it. I'm never gonna…I'll kick my own ass.

Dick: Why?

Maddox: 'Cause I'll kick my own ass.

Dick: It's funny, though!

Maddox: No.

Dick: What was the point of the poem?

Maddox: I don't remember. I wrote it down somewhere. I don't remember it off the top of my head.

Dick: Flight. Good solution. Go vote it up.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What about…let's see. What about…what about hearing someone talk about THEIR kids or hearing someone tell you about a dream they had?

Maddox: Uh, dream. Always.

Dick: The DREAM!!

Maddox: I'd rather…

Dick: Again!

Maddox: Yeah. I'd rather…'cause…

Dick: (interjects) So you're not on board with this problem at all.

Maddox: No, not at all.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Um…(stammers) also, because if something's that annoying, it's like, at most, two minutes of your life. If you want to be polite. If you don't want to be polite, you can immediately shut them down and say, "I'm not interested."

Dick: Uh…well, that could go for either one.

Sean: I vote kids, for sure.

Dick: You vote hearing about kids?

Maddox: Kids?

Sean: Oh, yeah. I like kids.

Dick: Yeah. They're great.

Maddox: Oh, I hear about kids. All the fucking time. I see them…their pictures in my Facebook feed all the fucking time.

Dick: That's what it's for.

Maddox: I am so tired…I am so tired of kids. I'm so…vote up kids, people. Please.

Dick: You know, I'm…I'm interested. What should Facebook be? 'Cause we brought in Facebook and we talked about it. No pictures of kids…

Maddox: No.

Dick: No political opinions, right? That's awful.

Maddox: No.

Dick: No. "I'm so happy and blessed." Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What's…what's left?

Maddox: I'll tell you…you know, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) Wh…I got a new job!!!

Maddox: You know, a long time ago when I brought in Facebook as a problem…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, I…I…that's, again, a huge problem. I didn't even get to all the stuff I wanted to talk about, but…I brought in an article from a website called "Wait, but why?" and that website talked about the…I think five or seven types of annoying Facebook posts. And it talked about how a lot of the posts we put on Facebook are either posturing somehow, or…or imagecrafting.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh…they are annoying political opinions. They're bragging. Uh…so…then I thought about it. I thought, "Well, yeah. Those all sound pretty true." And in the end, I realized, like, I have…I rarely post anything on Facebook anymore. And it's because of this reason. I don't think Facebook should exist.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: I think Facebook is awful.

Dick: So, nothing.

Maddox: I think Facebook is contrary to a net-neutral web, because Facebook is not running itself net-neutral. But that's a whole different topic.

Dick: That's a whole different topic.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What about people talking about the music they like, versus talking about a dream? I would rather even hear…and I HATE listening to people talk about music they like. I'd rather listen to that than a dream. That's how much I hate hearing people talk about dreams.

Sean: I would hands down.

Dick: Which one?

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: I'm ALWAYS interested in what music people like.

Dick: Okay, interesting.

Sean: I've discovered…yeah. Absolutely. I've discovered cool shit that way.

Maddox: I'm interested in that insofar as they give me an answer that's more than just "everything". No one likes e…

Sean: (interjects) No…

Maddox: Every time! Every single time! (Dick laughs)

Dick: I've never heard that.

Maddox: These…oh, my G…you've never…(they all talk over each other)

Dick: What kind of music do you like?

Maddox: You've never met a girl? I…

Sean: That's an incredibly boring person.

Maddox: I know that sounds sexist, but, like, it's not. Just, like, girls…girls and guys. Like, I've met these people. Especially in bars, in casual conversations, I ask what kind of music they like?

Dick: Everything?

Maddox: If they say "everything", I know everything I need to know about you, buddy.

Dick: Yeah, they don't wanna talk to you.

Maddox: No, it's not that.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: 'Cause…'cause I'll press them, and my first question is always this, "How about death metal? You like death metal?" "Oh, uh..everything but death metal." I'm like, "Okay, how about…"

Dick: Oh. (interjects) So everything on Top 40 stations?

Maddox: Yeah. "How about country, do you like country?" "Oh, you know, not really." And…and one of these people I specifically pressed who said "everything". It was a girl. She said, "Yeah, I like everything." I said, "Okay, so, um…no death metal. No country. You don't listen to jazz. You don't listen to classical." She goes, "Oh, no, I like classical." I'm like, "What, which composers?"

Dick: Who are your favorites?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The big ones?

Maddox: Mozart and Beethoven.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Those are the two. And then I'm like, "Okay, so you don't listen to classical." You know what…here's…here's…for anyone…

Dick: (interjects) You know what? Get outta here!! (Maddox laughs) Get out…what are you even doing here? Get outta here!

Maddox: Get outta my…

Dick: Yeah!! Yeah!!! (Maddox laughs) Get out of this bar!

Maddox: Get out of my bedroom! (laughing)

Dick: How about the retelling of a reality TV show? Would you rather hear that, or a dream? I'll take that over a dream. And that sounds like poison.

Maddox: Ooh. Oh, that's a toss-up. Honestly, that's a 50/50. That's a toss-up.

Dick: 'Cause it's the same thing! It goes nowhere…there's no story. None of the actors have any point or purpose.

Maddox: The problem here sounds…

Dick: (interjects) None of it's relevant.

Maddox: The problem here sounds, Dick, like people who don't know how to tell a good story.

Dick: Uh..and you think they draw that out of a dream?

Maddox: No, I think that people who don't know how to tell a good story, it doesn't matter what they're talking about…I have a friend, uh…

Sean: (interjects) Yeah, but…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: If the writing, you know, i.e the dream is shit, and a bunch of non-sequiturs…

Dick: (interjects) It's always shit.

Sean: Then…telling a story is sort of irrelevant.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sean, what's interesting to me about a good story is how the storyteller relates it to the situation and the context that they're in. So, for example, last night I was at a bar with some friends, and something came up. We were talking about flights, and that led the conversation to passengers. And that led me to an anecdote about a shitty passenger experience I had. Out of context. (Dick giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That might not be that interesting and it might seem awkward to just bring it up in the middle of a conversation, but a good storyteller knows how to make those connections. And same thing with their dreams.

Dick: I like that your contribution to that conversation was a rage-induced…(they giggle) complaint about a shitty passenger.

Sean: I think that's more a good conversationalist.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Because you're listening to what they're doing and then you're drawing something from…you know, your own mind, and referencing that in the conversation.

Maddox: Corr…correct. And that…

Sean: But the story in and of itself, standing alone, may not make any sense. Or may not be particularly interesting.

Maddox: Well, that's why a good conversationalist, Sean, can make those connections, and only talk about their dreams when it's relevant to the context or situation. Like, Dick…if you and I are talking…I don't think I've ever, in the entire time I've known you, told you about any of my dreams. Because it's never come up. If I dreamt something about you specific…

Dick: (interjects) I don't remember. I would have blocked it out if you started with, "I had this dream…" Like, if I was at Martin Luther King Jr's rally…(Maddox laughs) I would have just left. I would have just said, "No, no, no, no, no. I'm out. I'm out."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm gonna go fight for civil rights…I'm going to Malcolm X. (Sean laughs) You..whatever you were gonna say, I don't care!

Maddox: Well, here's what's fascinating to me about dreams. And why I don't mind them so much, is because I did some research, and according to some statistic, I forget the website. It said, "Two-thirds of people claim to have precognition in their dreams."

Dick: Oh, God. Kill me.

Maddox: And that's…that's a little bit different than déjà vu. But precognition…and that's a really interesting phenomenon. I know there's some science that goes into why we feel déjà vu sometimes, or why we have that precognition, but, uh…it's really fascinating to me when it happens. (stammers) Has that never happened to you, Dick?

Dick: I think it's the absolute WORST of narcissism and pop psychology, is a dream. And talking about what the dreams mean, and trying to relate them to people, and getting into this endless cycle of self-analysis over NOTHING. Nothing in your fucking brain. When everything in your life can give you these tips of what you're doing wrong, and you're going into these random thoughts that NOBODY underst…it's like a field where you can say whatever you want, cause there's….'cause nobody has any idea why it's happening.

Sean: Well, I don't think they mean nothing, but you don't have to inflict them on other people. That's something you need to figure out. How it relates to you, yourself.

Maddox: Use your judgment, people. Um, I looked into why people talk about their dreams, and there's a lot of reasons. First of all, it's to overcome anxiety. Sometimes people have anxiety in their dreams. Most people, actually. There's a study awhile back, someone claimed that while you're snoring, you're not dreaming, 'cause, uh…

Dick: (interjects) Ugh, God!

Maddox: Uh, you don't have…you usually dream during REM. The REM phase of sleep? Uh…rapid eye movement phase of your sleep. And…they found…they said that most people feel anxious when they dream. And sometimes people talk about their dreams, because they're trying to work out their anxiety.

Dick: They should be buying less stuff, according to affluenza. It's the consumerism that's causing them anxiety, right?

Maddox: Could be!

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Could be.

Dick: That's why…I do think affluenza's a big problem in that respect, too.

Maddox: Um, sometimes people…people talk about dreams to remember important details they may have…they may have seen. You know, like me. Like, I wrote down a full rhyming, uh, poem in prose. They work out problems.

Dick: Is that important?

Maddox: What? To write…

Dick: (interjects) That you wrote down a poem?

Maddox: Oh, absolutely. Huge…a huge portion of my inspiration in my work comes to me from my dreams.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Absolutely.

Dick: Doc Brown.

Maddox: And I never talk about it, I just..I just use it. I never talk about it.

Sean: I dream that one day…I will finish my next book!

Maddox: You know what, fuck you, Sean! (Dick cracks up) You are on a tear!!

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: You are pissing me off so much this episode! I'm gonna break your fucking…where's your car?! Do you have a truck outside!? It's gonna get keyed, FUCKER!! (yells)

Dick: Alright. That's my problem. People Who Talk About Their Dreams. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: Aren't you glad I'm back?

Dick: I am.

Maddox: No!!! Alright guys, my problem this week was Affluenza.

Dick: See you next Tuesday.

(Voice mail: Female voice: "Hey. This is Tyler. Um, I am a literature professor from Texas, and my emphasis is on fairy tales and pop culture, so it was interesting to hear Maddox bring in Disney as a problem. Couple of problems, though…"

Dick: Uh-oh.

"…with his problem."

Maddox: Oh, okay! (mad)

"First of all, he said…Maddox, you said that people aren't doing this research, which is not true. Um…"

Dick: Oh, she took that personally.

"In academia, they've been doing research on Disney and fairytales for a very long time. There's even a famous book called, "Breaking the Disney Spell" by Jack Zipes. He has many other books on Disney…"

Maddox: Fa…famous book.

"Also, I was wondering why you were just harping on the Little Mermaid, because…"

Dick: I was wondering that, too.

"…literally any tale that Disney has picked… (Maddox sighs, Dick giggles) whether it's a Perrault…uh, Charles Perrault tale, or Grimm's, or…"

Dick: Oh, showing off!!

Maddox: Ugggggggh!! (Dick laughs) LiteraTURE.

Dick: Showing off! (they talk over the voice mail and it becomes inaudible)

"…every single tale. It's not just the Little Mermaid."

Maddox: Yeah.

"So, I think it really would have driven home your point more…"

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: Okay.

"…if you'd brought that up also."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah? You fucked up! (laughs)

"And the last thing…Disney is kind of trying to backtrack now, um, with movies like Maleficent and the new live-action Cinderella, because they realized they fucked up all the tales the first time they did it."

Dick: No. They did not realize that.

Maddox: So you just…yes they…

"Now they're incorporating all the original folklore back into the movies that they're publishing in the 2000s."

Dick: That's not why they're doing it.

"So…love the show. Thanks.")

Dick: Thank you!

Maddox: Thank you, Tyler, the litera-tuuure professor. So here's the thing that bugs me about…

Dick: (interjects) You wanna out-namedrop her? Come up with some bigger, more obscure names than she did.

Maddox: Sure. Um, so what bugs me about academia and…Dick, this is…this is, I think what bugs you about academia? Maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm wrong. Is that academics, sometimes, get so staunchly positioned in their universe.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Their little social bubble of other academics.

Dick: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Maddox: Where they always talk about this stuff. They..they don't…they lost perspective. They lose grip. They don't realize that the majority of people don't talk about this stuff. The majority of people don't look at these…issues critically. And they're not looking at these stories! That famous book that you mentioned? No one's ever fucking heard of it, outside of your social circle! Outside of academics! Outside of people who are versed in literature. Children's literature. Critical literature. Critical writing! Critical analysis! Those are the people who know about these books that you're referencing.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And these stories! And by the w…and the other reason I didn't cover these other topics and Disney…(stammers) I know about most of them. Is because it's a 6-minute YouTube video! What do you w…I…I don't have time or resources…

Dick: (interjects) I think she was talking about the show, too.

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: You covered it on the sh…you also covered it on the show.

Maddox: Yeah, but…

Dick: (interjects) You went into the Little Mermaid a lot on the show.

Maddox: Again, I only have a limited amount of time. If you want me to spend an entire hour dissecting Dis…(stammers) multiple hours dissecting each and every Disney story, I could.

Dick: Yeah, that's…I think she does.

Maddox: Okay. You got it!!! (they laugh)

Dick: Oh, here. Weird Matthew McConaughey also called in criticizing your tax…your financial plans for lottery winners.

Maddox: Okay.

(Voice mail: Weird Matthew McConaughey: "You don't always take the annuity. And this is why. (long pause) 'Cause A…how fucking long are you gonna live? (they giggle)

Dick: That's the reason. (giggles)

"You're…forty…and I don't know how fucking old you are. But let's say you're 40."

Dick: Let's say.

Maddox: An old age.

"You got, like…statistically, like, what, 38 years?"

Maddox: Hey, that's actually pretty accurate.

(super long pause)

"That's kind of a long time (they all crack up). But what if, like, let's say…then the annuity would have been, like, 930 million, and, like, if you spent a crazy amount of money a year…as long as you fucking…(inaudible) you'd still have plenty of money. (they guffaw) I don't know. I don't know. "

Maddox: I don't know. (imitates) Sounds like he's about to…


Maddox: Oh, okay. (they laugh)

"I think…yeah. I don't know.") (they crack up laughing)

Dick: I don't know!! So you've got…everyone all over the spectrum disagrees. The financial analyst.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: With the Master's in economic theory.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Disagrees with you. And all the way down to Weird Matthew McConaughey. They all disagree.

Maddox: You know…who's that financial analyst who sent that in?

Dick: Uh, Andy.

Maddox: Andy.

Dick: Andrew.

Maddox: Listen, Andy.

Sean: You're no New York Times writer! (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: No. No. Yeah, you know, I would like to see some statistics. If…the majority of lottery commissions go bankrupt, that's sound financial advice.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I would buy that.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Otherwise…otherwise, I don't see why it's any more a risk than leaving it in a bank account, or buying stocks, or getting the annuity.

Dick: Well, as long as people don't realize how easy it is to rob banks with their jetpacks, then you're good. I think.

Maddox: Oh, buddy. You're in trouble! There's…every day there's new jetpack news.

Dick: Here's…here's one more from Matthew McConaughey. Weird Matthew McConaughey.

(Voice mail: Weird Matthew McConaughey: "Hey Maddox. I like how you pretended you didn't know what your own precum tasted like…"

(Maddox and Sean crack up)

"The dude just shits in leaves. And experiments with pinching the end of his dick… (Maddox laughs) is also a guy…who has probably licked his finger…(they laugh loudly)after touching the tip of his dick…during whacking it. Or extreme excitement. (Maddox guffaws) Uh…also…he's probably tasted it…(they all laugh) after a blowjob…"

Dick: That's true!

"And he doesn't even fucking know about it." (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: He's got you there!

Maddox: No, I do…(laughing too hard)

"Or just pretended he didn't know about it."

Dick: Yeah. Just pretended! (Maddox laughing)

"Be, like, no, it's all good…that's not my cum…it's just…she must have been chewing some weird gum earlier…" (they all laugh loudly)

(file cuts off)