The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 83
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock and Laurie Foster.
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Bad Investors to Child Molesters. (everyone laughs loudly)
Asterios: Oh, my GODDDD!! MADDOX!
Maddox: With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick!
Dick: What's up, buddy? (laughing)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: And joining us is Asterios, Mysterios, Boisterous Coconuts.
Asterios: The Digital Cyberdemon. (smiling) I think that's all my nicknames. Hey, everybody. How you guys doin'?
Maddox: Welcome back.
Sean: Is it bad that we all laughed our asses off at "child molesters"? (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Well...uh, I think juxtaposed with "bad investors," you know.
Sean: Yeah, we'll...we'll go with that.
Dick: That vote was confusing. The child molesters vote? Pedophiles, that you brought in?
Maddox: Why is that?
Dick: Like, I wasn't sure if we were supposed to vote that up or vote that down as a problem.
Maddox: Down! Er, no no, up! Up!! It was a problem!
Dick: Okay, already, I'm... (Maddox laughs) You're...
Dick: Again, you're sending a mixed message. (grins)
Asterios: Again. You want us to vote up Pedophiles?
Dick: Right. Except you brought in, and you mostly talked about, the DEFENSE of pedophiles.
Maddox: I didn't defend pedophiles!
Dick: You kinda did!
Maddox: Mmm... (skeptical)
Dick: Non-offending pedoph-...you brought in...
Maddox: No, no, no.
Asterios: Remember how you were like, "The pedosmile is great"? I try to smile like that all the time. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Asterios: I'm a huge fan of Jared.
Maddox: No, you were listenin' to the Marc Maron podcast, buddy. (everyone laughs)
Asterios: Ohh, my God!!
Maddox: SHOTS FIRED! (giggles)
Asterios: How is your one-sided war with a much more successful person doing?
Maddox: Hey... (laughs with Sean)
Dick: I got the last word in that, so I won.
Asterios: Oh, there you go!!
Dick: That's... (chuckles) ...how I see it.
Maddox: Yeah, yep, yep. (laughs)
Asterios: So, so far you've beaten Penn from Penn & Teller and Marc Maron.
Maddox: That's right, yeah.
Asterios: That's not...that's a good record!
Dick: Who's next?
Maddox: Who's next? (smiles)
Dick: "Who's next?" That's our motto. (Asterios giggles) For this show.
Dick: "Who's next?" Who –
Maddox: (interjects) We should go after, like, a big game show host or something. You know... (laughs)
Dick: Alex Trebek?
Maddox: Alex Trebek!
Asterios: That Canadian fuck!
Asterios: Let's get that guy.
Maddox: Oh, he's a CREEP. I've heard creepy stories about him.
Asterios: Have you seen that YouTube video where he's, like, super drunk and refusing to do promos for "Jeopardy"? He's just like, "Fuck it! Just go!! Just go. Tape, tape. Just GO."
Dick: Trebek is awesome, though.
Dick: I've been to –
Asterios: (interjects) Tell me why you think he's awesome.
Dick: Okay, I...because I've been to a "Jeopardy" taping.
Dick: My friend was on "Jeopardy," and uh, he...here's the one story about Alex Trebek. He gets up during the commercial break, and he's like, "Everybody, give me your questions. I'm here to answer questions." Right? So the first question is this woman from the Midwest, I'm guessing, goes, "Oh, my mother...", who's sitting next to her. She's like, "She's 90 years old, and she's a huge fan of yours. Can she just get up and get a picture with you?" and he goes, "No. Next question." (everyone laughs loudly)
Maddox: There's a guy who's, like, a career game show contestant, and he just goes around from game show to game show, and he has this loop that he goes through different countries, because they put a blacklist on you for like 9 months or somethin'?
Asterios: Ohhh, right. For 5 years, or this...
Asterios: ...that, or whatever.
Maddox: So he just, like, goes from country to country playing different game shows, and he said...I heard an interview with him one time on a podcast, and they asked him, "Who was the worst game show host you ever met?" and he said, "Alex Trebek, by far."
Maddox: He said he's the meanest.
Maddox: He's just like...he's...ugh.
Dick: Oh yeah, he's awesome. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah, he's a machine.
Dick: I feel like in another universe, you could be that guy, Maddox.
Asterios: Well, you're already halfway there!
Maddox: I'm workin' on it. (cracking up)
Asterios: You're a game show host!
Maddox: Yeah. (giggling)
Asterios: Oh, speaking of game shows, real quick, 'cause I know we don't have time, but uh...if you're bored on the Internet, Google "Asterios + Let's Make a Deal". 'Cause I went on "Let's Make a Deal," and I won.
Dick: You did?
Asterios: Yeah! Uh, I got...
Maddox: Heyyy! (happy) ('ding!' sound effect)
Asterios: I'll tell the story super dooper quick.
Maddox: (applause sound effect)
Asterios: Um...so long story short, I dress up in a giant, uh, bee costume.
Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)
Asterios: Where I make my hair gray and I make my beard gray, and I say I'm Grumblebee the Old Man Bee. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Oh, wow.
Asterios: Who likes to complain.
Dick: That's... (chuckles)
Maddox: "Grumblebee." (giggling hysterically)
Asterios: Grumblebee. And so they call me up –
Dick: (interjects) "Jackpot," they think. (smiles)
Dick: "Look at THIS loser. We gotta get him on TV."
Asterios: Oh my God, are you kidding me? And they were like...here's what they told us beforehand. They're like, "We're looking for people with a lot of energy, so make sure to dance around a lot during the commercial breaks." (Dick and Maddox keep laughing) And I was like, "Wait 'til they see this dancing." I'm doin', like, the Cabbage Patch. I'm like, uh...I'm doin' the Running Man in my seat. I'm just like, "I know they're lookin' at the b-...at the old man bee." And so they call me, and they call me to play, literally -- this was weird -- like, an improvised game where they wanted me to do a bunch of improv into a microphone, where the hosts were speaking gibberish and it was my job to tell the host what was happening in a fake news report. So long st-
Dick: (interjects) Wait, WHAT?!
Asterios: Yes! I'm not kidding. It was –
Dick: (interjects) This is...
Dick: ...on the set of "Deal or No Deal"?
Asterios: On the set of "Deal or No Deal," they play this game called, uh...
Asterios: No, "Let's Make a Deal." Uh, "Let's Make a Deal."
Dick: Oh, "Let's Make a Deal."
Asterios: They play a game called "Let Make a Deal News." So, "Let's get to the 'Let's Make a Deal' action news desk, with our correspondent Grumblebee!" And they're like, "What's in the news today?" And I look over all the teleprompters, and they're all blank.
Dick: Oh, God. (Sean laughs in the background)
Asterios: So I go, "Oh, they want me to improvise..."
Asterios: "...what's in the news." So I make up a story that actually works really well in "Let's Make a Deal" continuity about an invasion of Zonks that are ruining everybody's great deals around the country.
Dick: Oh my God, this...that makes... (mumbling)
Asterios: But long story short, I made up so much crap about Zonks and the mythology of Zonks and their continuity and history, (Maddox giggling) that what's-his-name...what's the name of the host? The African American gentleman?
Dick: Bill Cosby? Was he the host?
Asterios: Uh... (cracks up) No.
Maddox: No, no. (laughing)
Dick: Wasn't he?!
Maddox: No, the guy from "Family Feud"?
Asterios: Yeah, the guy f-...no. No, the guy from, uh, the...the improv game.
Dick: Steve Harvey.
(from background: "Wayne Brady.")
Asterios: Wayne Brady! Exactly. So –
Dick: (interjects) Ohh, he is worse.
Maddox: Wayne Brady, yeah.
Dick: He's worse than Bill Cosby. You're right. (snickering)
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. (Maddox and Dick laugh) So long story short, Wayne Brady between the commercial breaks is like, "You gotta stop acting like an asshole. You are ruining the game."
Maddox: Whooooooa. (in unison)
Asterios: He tells me this to my face, and I...I fell for it! I was like, "I'm sorry, Wayne Brady."
Asterios: "I'll behave."
Dick: Fu-...HE'S next.
Maddox: Holy shit, yeah!
Dick: He's next!! Wayne Brady's next.
Maddox: We're taking Wayne Brady down a notch.
Dick: Fuck him! You're ruining the earth, Wayne Brady. (Asterios cracks up)
Dick: Asterios is helping your dog shit game about Zonks and whatever the FUCK you're talking about. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Yeah! You throw...and by the way, they don't know anything about you, so they're just throwin' this to, like, potentially a random person who's had no improv experience. "Go ahead, make our show entertaining! Here you go, idiot."
Asterios: I think the idea was that you...they expect the person to crack and not know what to do.
Asterios: And then everyone else sort of makes a game out of his mistakes.
Asterios: But the problem was, I was just like, "Well, we need a story here, with characters and beats."
Maddox: You gave them what they weren't expecting, which is a performance!!
Asterios: And they got SUPER mad.
Asterios: And they got –
Dick: (interjects) They aired it?!
Asterios: Yes! They...it's on YouTube!
Maddox: We're gonna link to...we're gonna post this!!
Dick: There's a YouTube of you talkin' about Zonks for a minute and a half? (laughing)
Asterios: Yeah!! You can look at it right now! (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: We're going to post this.
Asterios: I got to the final round because I was the most successful, so I'm just...so there's 3 acts of me acting like a bumblebee, and Wayne Brady just CLEARLY hates me.
Maddox: Bravo. ('ding!' sound effect) (applause sound effect) Asterios, that's an incredible story. We're gonna link this on the website. It'll be on the page.
Dick: He's jealous!!
Asterios: I know!
Dick: Wayne Brady is jealous of YOU.
Maddox: Because you –
Dick: (interjects) How does that feel?
Asterios: Pretty good!!
Asterios: Now that we're talking about it. (giggling)
Sean: Yeah, this is a...this is a guy whose entire career is based on not scaring white people. (Dick and Maddox giggle)
Asterios: Yeah! Oh my God, you're right!
Asterios: He's "one of the good ones." (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Dick: So is yours!!
Asterios: I think it's on his resume.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Asterios: I'm the mixed-race pleasant face. Asterios Kokkinos. (grins)
Dick: That's a hell of a notch in your belt.
Dick: For you...
Asterios: Now I feel good about it!
Dick: Yeah, man!!
Asterios: 'Cause of your spin!
Dick: Oh, he's jealous!
Asterios: Oh my God, you're RIGHT.
Dick: He's so jealous of you. He found someone more lovable than himself.
Asterios: He got scared. (hushed)
Maddox: That's not hard. Alright. But guys... (Asterios laughs) Moving on. (drumroll sound effect)
Asterios: Let's go. I'm sorry.
Maddox: The biggest problem from last week...Daylight Saving Time!
Dick: Yeah. That's a big problem.
Maddox: Yeah, well, then –
Dick: (interjects) You don't have to be upset by that! That's a big problem.
Maddox: It's a problem.
Dick: Okay. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. And then, uh, the Inability to Disconfirm.
Maddox: And then the Slippery Slope Arguments.
Maddox: Pretty neck and neck. And then Walking, dead last. Not even a problem, Dick.
Maddox: Not even...a lot of people called you out for a Dick Versus Dick. They said, uh, your...your problem is Everyone Needs to Lose 20 Pounds, but then you shit on walking, which is a way that people can lose weight.
Dick: Nuh...no. The only way you can lose weight is deadlifting.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: That... (laughs)
Asterios: That and caloric restri-...that and caloric restriction. (giggling)
Dick: No, you...you gotta eat if you're gonna deadlift, Asterios.
Asterios: I forgot how to...how important...
Dick: You gotta eat pizza after pizza. (Asterios laughs) No walking. Drive to the gym, take a Segway up the ramp, that's why those ramps exist... (Asterios still giggling) ...and start deadlifting. That's how you lose weight.
Maddox: Well, we've all had donuts, and none of us are losing weight this morning. I got a comment from Alonzo Larios. He says, "Gotta love how Dick instantly fell into both of Maddox's problems when it came to gun control. What a fucking Hitler." He called... (cracks up)
Dick: Was I talking about gun control in the last episode?!
Maddox: No, 'cause I mentioned...we were talkin' about slippery slope arguments and how the gun control one is a big one, because people who are gun control advocates...
Maddox: People who are...people who are –
Dick: (interjects) People say they have small dicks, and that's not true. (Maddox giggles) Right? Is that what you're tryin' to say?
Maddox: No, people who are opposed to gun control say that if you give an inch, they'll take a mile. Like, that's the argument.
Asterios: Yeah, I think...the most recent argument being the...the terror watch list. It's like, you know, "Obama wants people that are on the watch list not to have access to guns.
Dick: Yeah. (scoffing)
Asterios: And gun advocates say, "Well, then, what's next?"
Dick: Well, they al-
Maddox: (interjects) (chuckles) That's a slippery slope argument.
Dick: They...yeah. They also say that you can just put anyone on that list. (Asterios gasps) There's no qualification –
Asterios: (interjects) Oh my God!
Dick: You can just put –
Asterios: (interjects) What if Obama puts everyone on the list?! (Maddox laughs loudly)
Asterios: AND THAT'S HOW HE TAKES OUR GUNS!
Maddox: Slippery slope!
Dick: That's what'll happen.
Asterios: Waaait a minute!!
Dick: That's what would happen!
Asterios: Wait a minute.
Dick: That's what would happen. (grinning)
Maddox: This is one slippery slope, fellas.
Dick: That's what would happen!
Asterios: What a trick-...OOOOOOGH.
Dick: One by one!
Maddox: First thing...
Dick: One by one. (laughs with Maddox)
Asterios: The Anti-Christ himself.
Maddox: They put a couple of terrorists on there... (laughs more)
Asterios: IT'S OBAMA.
Dick: It's...it's copy and paste! One 'Ctrl-C, Ctrl-V'. Now no one can have guns.
Asterios: Ohhhhh. (hushed)
Maddox: Everyone's on the No-Fly List, right?
Dick: Yeah. (grins) Everyone!
Maddox: The terrorist watch list, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. And that’s how we lost the Second Amendment, kids! (Dick and Asterios laugh)
Asterios: Through the TSA!
Dick: Copy…copy and paste!
Maddox: Slippery slope.
Dick: Killed it! Alright, I got a voicemail.
Dick: You got another comment? Or you wanna do the voice mail?
Maddox: No, no, go ahead.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hi, guys. Maddox is Hitler, because he’s..(Maddox laughs) trying to lead the Red Delicious apple from its place of downtrodden-ness to a superior…”
“…race of…(Dick guffaws)”
Dick: Of apples.
Dick: That’s true!
“Using half-baked scientific experiments…”
Dick: You’re the Hitler of apples! (giggles)
“…from the bonus episode to prove his weird theories.”
Maddox: Dumb shit. Moron!
“And it only took me four voice mails, and this isn’t even that funny.”
Dick: Yep. (scoffs) (Sean and Maddox laugh)
“The show’s great, guys, keep it up.”)
Dick: I brought in those other four voice mails, by the way.
Maddox: Oh, we’re gonna hear those!
Dick: So…we made a determination that Maddox does not agree with.
Asterios: Okay, so…if people listen to the episode…
Dick: The bonus episode.
Asterios: So…the bonus episode. If you spend $2, you’ll FINALLY get the answer…
Dick: Yes! (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: To…watch the…so…(inaudible, speaking quickly)…I gotta spend this two bucks!
Dick: And. AND. If you remember, a listener reminded me of this, but we had a little wager.
Dick: On that test stuff. And the loser had to read an apology written by the winner!
Asterios: Yes, I remember this.
Dick: That was the wager! Do you remember that?
Dick: 250-word apology!
Dick: So I think next bonus episode…
Dick: Someone is gonna have to read SOMEONE’s…(Maddox laughs) hilarious apology!! (grins)
Asterios: Oh, my God. I can’t…you can’t miss this.
Maddox: Okay. Next bonus episode, there will be an apology read, and we don’t know who’s going to read it. (Dick laughs)
Asterios: There WILL be an apology READ!!!! (growls)
Maddox: Could be Sean. We don’t know. Alright.
Dick: Alright. I got another voice mail here.
(Voice mail: Weird Matthew McConaughey: Hey, Dick. Did you ever think about shooting your guns in the air? (they giggle) And your buddies might hear ya? I mean, probably not if you didn’t think about walking, but…”
“…you know, innovation, talking to Mexicans…(long pause) (they giggle) wearing your eagle shirt…sucking a guy’s dick…”
Asterios: Can we hang up on this caller?
Dick: No. We never hang up on…(inaudible)
“All things that came across your mind, but not walking. Or shooting your gun.”)
Maddox: I’m not sure if this guy is high or just an idiot, ‘cause it sounds like he’s laboring to put the next…not even sentence. The next WORD in sequence.
Sean: No, it depends how drunk he is.
Dick: Well, yeah.
Sean: You heard the progression throughout…
Dick: (talking over Sean) And he’s three hours ahead. That was Weird Matthew McConaughey. He’s a regular caller.
Dick: I got about six other calls from him.
Dick: All similar in cadence to that one. (Asterios laughs) But he gets…he gets hammered, and I can see when the calls come in, and as it progresses throughout the night, they get increasingly like that.
Maddox: And we see the time stamps on these calls, too.
Asterios: That’s great.
Maddox: So we’ll see, like, 6 AM, 3 AM, like, whenever. And what city they’re calling from.
Dick: But he does have a big fan. Listen to THIS one.
(Voice mail: female voice: “I just listened to Episode 13, the solutions…and Weird Matthew McConaughey…(giggles) has to be my favorite listener…(they all laughs)…the whole fucking time….(laughing)”
Dick: This is Mrs. Weird Matthew McConaughey.
Maddox: We gotta put these two in touch.
Dick: Was that…yeah, right?! (they laugh) She sounds just as high as him!!
Maddox: That was almost an “O” at the end.
Dick: Mmm. (Sean chuckles)
Maddox: Um, I got a comment here. So this is kinda funny. Uh…anything…anytime I brought up Trump on this show, and libertarianism…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, thank God, I’ve been waiting to talk about Trump on the show all week. (sarcastic)
Maddox: Oh, good. OH, GOOD! (Dick laughs) Love that guy. Love that guy. I’ve been called a lot of things. So if I ever shit on anyone conservative, I’m IMMEDIATELY liberal! And if I ever shit on someone liberal, I’m IMMEDIATELY conservative.
Maddox: And now, I’m accused of being a libertarian. (laughs) (they all crack up)
Dick: We told you!
Maddox: We’ve come full circle!!
Dick: I told you that you have libertarian tendencies!!
Maddox: I know! I do, I took the test, and I’m about 67% libertarian!
Asterios: I don’t wanna be left alone.
Maddox: Sure, who doesn’t?!
Asterios: It’s like, yeah, who doesn’t want to be left the fuck alone?!
Maddox: Of course.
Maddox: Um, this guy Garrett Voight. He says, “Does Maddox secretly read libertarianism.org?” And then he posted this big quote, it’s like, “The black and white aspect of politics also encourages people to think in black and white terms. Not only do political parties emerge, but their supporters become akin to sports fans, feuding families, or students at rival high schools.” And he just goes on. And he posted a link to the website.
Dick: What was your point?
Maddox: Now, I’m libertarian.
Dick: That was your point, though.
Maddox: That was my point, yeah.
Dick: They agree with you on that.
Asterios: I wanna say something real quick about Trump. Do you think that, like…
Dick: (interjects) Ohoho, nothing is real quick about Trump on this show.
Maddox: Hopefully his candidacy will be.
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: I’ll try to be real quick, then. Do you think that there were, like, also people during Hitler’s rise that were like, “This guy’s hilarious!”
Dick: Here we go!
Asterios: Like, that were just like, “Oh, look at this funny mustache!”
Asterios: “He gets so mad!”
Dick: Well, it was Charlie Chaplin’s mustache.
Asterios: “And look, I don’t agree with everything he says. It’s like he’s talking about stopping Muslims from coming into the country.”
Asterios: He’s getting pretty out there, this guy.
Dick: How is that out there? Shut the borders down!! (Maddox laughs) Nobody has the right to COME INTO THIS COUNTRY!
Asterios: Well…if you…
Dick: (interjects) Sorry…sorry it makes you guys SAD to admit that, but no one has a RIGHT to come in here!
Asterios: Well, how about this…
Dick: (interjects) Who’s not vetted the shit out of!!
Maddox: How is that a libertarian principle, shithead?! How is that not intrusive?
Dick: Libertarianism applies to OUR country!!
Dick: It’s our country that we run like this!
Asterios: How…how about this? Don’t you think it would be slightly different if he was like, “No more immigrants, period.” As opposed to saying “No Muslim immigrants”. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, I can see what you’re saying if he was just, like, “No more immigration until we solve everything.” Well, that’s sort of…that’s a very conservative opinion.
Asterios: Saying “No more Muslims”, is kinda out there.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) And let’s see how this…
Dick: (interjects) Makes headlines.
(they crack up)
Asterios: Well, yeah, no shit it makes…so did Hitler!! Alright, whatever.
Maddox: I’m posting…I’m posting a new video about this. It’s a really short one, 20 seconds…
Asterios: About Trump? Cool!
Maddox: About Trump. It’s a 20-second piece in response to what he said recently about that stuff. But, yeah. It’ll be real funny to see how this plays out.
Dick: What a liberal. (laughs) What a liberal you are. (Maddox and Asterios laugh)
Dick: Trying to stump! You guys don’t realize that you cannot stump him! There’s no brakes on the Trump Train.
Asterios: I know he’s unstumpable, but it doesn’t mean we can’t try!
Dick: I don’t think you know that in your heart, that he’s unstumpable. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: You think I think I’m gonna stump the Trump? You can’t stump this guy!!!
Dick: First of all, you went after Wayne Brady, now you think you can go after Trump! You’re getting too big for your britches!!
Asterios: Oh, no. You gotta find intermediate steps. Take out Drew Carey next.
Dick: Alright, I got…
Maddox: Dick, you…
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. I was gonna ask you. Do you have…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. I got a special…
Dick: I got a special bit just for you, Asterios. Um…you’ll recognize the music.
(70’s porno music starts)
“The Biggest Problem in the Universe presents…Erotic Stories from Real Men.”
Dick: This is the first erotic story I’ve brought in that makes me want to throw up. Uh…it was left by…it was left by…Carlos Vega.
Sean: Is it about Maddox shitting in a pile of leaves and wiping his ass?
Dick: No. (Maddox laughs) No, no, no. Carlos says, “Sup Dick and Maddox. It’s Carlos, the guy with the eight-year-old sheets. By the way, I finally bought some new sheets, after my ex found me out because I got her into listening to the podcast.”
Dick: Well, sorry, buddy. We’re gonna read this comment now.
Maddox: Yeah. (Asterios laughs)
Dick: “I finally caught up on all your episodes, and after listening to Maddox’s “friend”’s story about his sexual experiment, it reminded me of one of my own experiences.” This is about…we talked…well…you’ll see what we talked about last week to spawn this. “Four months ago, I moved to San Francisco.”
Sean: Ahh!! (they all laugh)
Asterios: It’s already getting hot!
Sean: It’s how alllll experimentation stories start!
Dick: Oh, it gets better. (Maddox laughs) “I was swiping on Tinder. Got a couple of matches. I started talking to this one girl who eventually admitted he was a crossdresser.”
Dick: “I was like, hey bro, that’s cool. I don’t roll that way, but we can be friends. I’m open-minded.” Hohohoho!!!
Maddox: Alright! (they giggle)
Maddox: That’s pretty cool. Budding friendship.
Dick: Yeah. (grins) (Maddox laughs) Yeah. Established on Tinder. “A week later, I was drinking at a bar and he messaged me at 2 AM saying, “You want to hang out?” I replied, “Is this a hookup?” He said “Yes.”
(Sound effect: Boner boing)
Dick: “I was feeling pretty drunk and horny, so I figured I’d experiment.
Dick: “The pictures looked enough like a pretty girl. So I made it clear that I was straight …(Maddox cracks up) and I didn’t feel comfortable doing anything with his penis.” (they all laugh) He made it clear! He made it clear!
Asterios: Yeah. (they keep laughing)
Dick: Made it clear while being drunk at 2 in the morning! “Hey look, buddy. Is this a hookup? I just want to be clear that I’m straight.”
Maddox: (cackles) I’m straight.
Dick: And I won’t be doing shit with your penis!! (Maddox dies of laughter)
Asterios: There’s a lot of…
Dick: (interjects) You gotta draw the line somewhere!!!!
Asterios: Aren’t there a lot of Craigslist post that say, like, “I’m looking for a bunch of completely straight dudes to jerk off with me.”
Dick: I have no idea! You tell us.
Maddox: Yeah, you tell us, Asterios. I’ve never heard this before. (cracks up)
Asterios: Yeah, obviously you guys don’t go on the weekends. Just Google it! (they laugh) I’ll forward you guys some things.
Maddox: Huh. Please don’t.
Dick: “So I made it clear that I was straight. He said it was fine, and to bring condoms.” (Sean and Maddox crack up) Multiple. Multiple condoms.
(Sound effect: Fart)
(they crack up)
Dick: “I take an Uber over and was let in his place. As soon as I was right there in front of him, I just couldn’t do it.”
Dick: “Even with the alcohol in me, I saw him as another man, and felt immediately uncomfortable.”
(Sound effect: Losing boner boing)
Dick: “And honestly…(Maddox and Dick giggle) felt bad for leading him on. I apologized and walked out, and went home embarrassed and ashamed.” Oh, there’s nothing to be ashamed about here!
Asterios: You should’ve…look! I think…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, here we go!!!
Asterios: …he should have given him a quick handjob.
Asterios: Just to…I think the straight guy…look. Some sort of handjob should have been exchanged. But I’m saying…
Dick: (interjects) Well he SAID he…
Asterios: (interjects) …if you’re gonna go all the way over there and get this…
Dick: (interjects) Cross dresser.
Asterios: I guess he identifies as a man.
Dick: That’s what he said. Yeah.
Asterios: You get this man all worked up. Just give him a little release and get outta there! You don’t need to do the whole thing!
Maddox: Yeah. It’s the bro code.
Dick: But he said he wasn’t doing anything with the penis!
Asterios: I know! Look, I’m just saying..
Maddox: Yeah. He’s straight.
Dick: (giggles) He said he was straight! (they laugh)
Asterios: Be a bro. Do your bro a solid and give him a handjob. That’s all I’m saying. If he was a real bro, he would have done it!
Maddox: Well, read the rest of the comment.
Asterios: I’m so…okay!!
Maddox: Yeah, let’s…you’ll hear it. You’ll see.
Dick: “I used to say things like if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. Confident in myself that I could do anyone that appeared feminine and attractive.” Oh wow, okay. Interesting way to look at it. “The experience made me realize that I am 100% without a doubt, completely mentally and biologically straight.”
Sean: “Because I almost jerked a guy off.” (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Almost fucked a crossdresser!
Sean: “Because he looked like a chick.”
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Maddox: Heyyyyyy, there you…and I read that comment, I commented, I said, “That’s the straightest thing I’ve ever heard.”
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: There’s nothing straighter than that.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, he…he went the distance with his straight…he put his straightness to the test!
Asterios: That’s true.
(Porno theme starts again)
(Maddox cracks up)
“You’ve been listening to a presentation of…Erotic Stories for Real Men.”
Dick: Alright, let’s go. Somebody do a problem.
Maddox: Alright, guys. I got a problem.
“Brought to you by the Biggest Problem in the Universe.”
Maddox: Alright, guys. I got a problem here, alright? Maybe the biggest problem in the universe!
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
(Sound effect: Cymbal)
Maddox: Star Wars Merchandising!
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: Sick of it!! (background laughter)
Dick: Sick of it?!
Maddox: Fucking tired of Star Wars merchandising.
Asterios: Tell us…
Dick: (interjects) Like the toys?
Asterios: Tell us about it, buddy.
Maddox: I got a pretty stinky eye from Asterios, over here.
Asterios: No, I’m withholding judgment until I hear your whooooole problem.
Maddox: Oh! (pleasantly surprised) That’s very…thank you!
Dick: Oh. I think you just did.
Maddox: Asterios. (laughs) Very open-minded of you, Asterios, thank you!
Dick: Yeah. (giggles)
Maddox: Uh, basically, I’m tired of Star Wars everything. You can go to the store and find Star Wars-branded clothes, toys, video games. I understand that, right?! That makes sense! ‘Cause, you know, the property appeals to kids and kids like to wear their superheroes and play with their toys. Awesome. Fine.
Dick: Kids who are 30? (Maddox cracks up) Yeah.
Maddox: No problem with that, right? There’s no problem there. And then there’s the cereal. Okay. No problem with that, either. You know, I’ve had branded cereal all my life. The toys are fun. It makes sense. Sure!!
Maddox: Fuck it! Toys. Cereals. I get it. But then there’s Star Wars condensed soup. There’s Darth Vader Spaghetti-Os. (giggles)
Asterios: Yeah! C-3P-Os!!! They’re delicious.
Maddox: Yeah. Ohhhhhhhh. (disgusted) (Dick cracks up) Fucking! Of course you know not only the brand, but the actual marketing slogan that you use…
Asterios: (interjects) What’s the difference between that an alphabet soup, other than the shapes are…
Asterios: You know what? I’ll let you say…I’ll let you finish your problem.
Dick: Yeah! I agree with that.
Asterios: I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Maddox: C-3P-Os? They’re just fucking Spaghetti-Os, man!!! They’re just called…(giggles)
Asterios: Yeah! They’re Spaghetti-Os, but better!
Asterios: They found a way to make Spaghetti-Os better. You’re eating little, adorable droids!!! (Dick guffaws)
Asterios: (interjects) You get to have littler adventures in your soup!! (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: Of course, of course, of course. (grins)
Asterios: Okay, you know what?! You got…I’ll let you roll your problem out. I’ll withhold judgment.
Maddox: Yeah! No judgments, no judgments, yeah.
Dick: No, but see, Maddox is very…(Maddox laughs) he’s very protective of his soup. That’s what you don’t understand. (Asterios and Maddox cackle)
Asterios: Why are there these Star Wars Love stamps on my correspondence?!!?
Sean: What about the little X-rated droid, R2-DP? (Dick laughs) (Asterios gasps)
Maddox: Ohhhh. Sean.
Asterios: I love that.
Maddox: So you can get Yoda branding, if you prefer. There’s Yoda-shaped pasta in high-sodium tomato and cheese sauce that they’re LITERALLY shoving down our throats now! This fucking Star Wars merchandise!!
Asterios: Hey, you ever had low-sodium soup? It tastes terrible.
Maddox: Nah, I…
Asterios: (interjects) There’s a reason they put so much sodium in all soup.
Maddox: There’s a middle ground!
Asterios: It’s the only way to make it taste good.
Maddox: No! There’s a middle ground. It’s like Coke.
Asterios: (interjects) Eh, yeah…
Maddox: (interjects) Coke…a bottle of Coke is, like, 300, 400 calories. Whatever it is! A bottle of Coke is like 300 calories, and it has like 30, 40 grams of sugar? I’m like “Guys, why not just a LITTLE bit of sugar?” (Asterios sighs) You don’t have to, like, fucking go apeshit with it. What, Asterios!? Defend your high-sodium soup!!! (laughs)
Asterios: All I’m saying is, there’s no difference between Star Wars soups and non-Star Wars soups. They’re all high-sodium soups! (Dick guffaws)
Asterios: You can’t throw Star Wars soups…
Dick: That’s true.
Asterios: It’s not like they put midichlorians in there that have extra sodium! You’re not gonna get gout because you ate some goddamn Yoda pasta!!
Maddox: Yeah, the difference…
Asterios: (interjects) You’re gonna eat a lot of pasta, you’re gonna get…(yelling) Alright, I’m sorry. I’ll let you finish.
Maddox: Yeah. No judgments, right?
Asterios: No judgments.
Maddox: No judgments. (laughs) Okay, so we still don’t know what Asterios’ opinion is on this problem. So we’ll get to that. Then there’s the Darth Vader Burger at fast food chains in France. Remember the Burger King spooky Halloween burger with the black buns that made everyone’s shit turn green?
Dick: Yeah, they’re gross.
Maddox: Yeah, remember that?
Maddox: It’s the exact same thing. Now it’s rebranded as the Darth Vader burger at the Quick Chains in France. Les Quick. There’s also the Jedi Burger, which, according to ABC News, looks very much the same as a regular burger. (laughs) (Sean laughs)
Dick: Oh, that’s it? It’s just called a Jedi Burger?
Maddox: It’s just called a Jedi Burger. Here’s what’s on it. The burger has two beef patties, a slice of cheese, onions, mayo, relish, and pickles. Oh, I’m sorry. I meant Yoda Pickles.
Maddox: They invented a new process to brine the pickles to look exactly like Yoda’s wrinkly skin. Oh, well, that’s clever.
Dick: They made pickles that look like scabs?!
Maddox: No. Pickles ALWAYS look like Yoda! They’re just wrinkly fucking cucumbers! That’s what Yoda is!
Dick: Are they in the shape of Yoda?
Maddox: No. They’re just pickles. I mean, yeah, they could say, “Oh now they’re Yoda pickles!”
Dick: Well, I would like to eat a shape of Yoda pickle. That sounds fun! (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Asterios: Listen!! (they laugh) If you’re gonna start limiting the way that fast food brands can experiment and brand with their food…
Dick: (interjects) You’re basically Hitler.
Asterios: Here’s what you’re not gonna get.
Asterios: You’re not gonna get the Baskin Robbins Shrek Ogre Sundae.
Asterios: Okay? You’re not gonna get Gandalf’s Gobble Melt. (Maddox laughs) You’re not gonna get all these wonderful branded foods…WHY do you…you’re trying to shut down burgers!? Really!?
Maddox: I’m not…this is the same thing as…
Asterios: (interjects) This is the biggest problem in the universe?!!
Maddox: Asterios, if you go on any other day of the year, you can just get the exact same Jedi burger. It has fucking onions and cheese on it. What makes it Jedi!? There’s nothing Jedi about it!
Asterios: Who cares!? I want to order a Jedi Burger?!
Dick: Yeah, but it’s not as fun!! (they all talk over each other)
Maddox: Yeah. Okay.
Asterios: I want a Jedi Burger all the time!!
Asterios: If it’s the same thing, I’m BUYING the branding!
Maddox: I know!!
Asterios: I’m trying to commune with this franchise I like by eating a hamburger!
Asterios: How does that hurt you?
Maddox: I’ll tell you…it doesn’t hurt me, Asterios. It hurts you. And I’ll get to that in just a second.
Dick: Well, it obviously hurts him, ‘cause it’s a fast food burger. (Maddox cracks up) Let’s start there.
Asterios: Yeah! Really…you…
Maddox: (interjects) And these kids….these kids they’re marketing to who don’t know any better drink…eating these high-sodium garbage.
Dick: Again. 30-year-old kids.
Asterios: Look, if you…all I’m saying is…(Dick and Sean laugh) if you start attacking…(Maddox and Dick laugh) Older than 30. If you start attacking branded foods…
Asterios: You’re not gonna get Nintend-Os.
Asterios: You’re not gonna get Legend of Zelda cereal. Super Mario Brothers cereal.
Dick: Oh, that was a GREAT cereal!!!
Asterios: You’re not gonna get Batman Returns cereal!
Asterios: The legacy that branded foods has had on our lives has been as immense as it is wonderful. (Maddox laughs) And if you start attacking Star Wars branded food, you’re attacking all branded food.
Dick: That’s true. That’s true.
Asterios: What’s wrong with you today?!
Dick: It’s true. What IS wrong with you!?
Maddox: I’m gonna get to it, Asterios. I’m gonna get to exactly..
Asterios: (interjects) WHY DON’T YOU GET TO IT, ALREADY?!?!!?
Maddox: Well, it….
Dick: (interjects) What about the Maddox branded hot sauce?
Maddox: I’m still going through this.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly!
Dick: How is that any different?
Asterios: How is that any different?!
Maddox: Guys, I’ll tell you exactly how it’s different in just a second.
Dick: Oh, yeah, here we go.
Maddox: Lemme go through this. There’s still…there’s still more…(they all talk over each other)
Asterios: Making me SO mad today!
Dick: Give it a 10-minute technical difficulty break.
Maddox: You’re gonna get to it. This from metro.co.uk. They’re going through all the different, like, ridiculous Star Wars food items now. (Dick snorts) And there’s one that actually makes sense here, but it’s not this. There’s a Chewbacca-themed spice latte CoffeeMate creamer. Coffeemate fucking creamer!?!!? Chewbacca-themed!? OKAY.
Dick: Is it brown!?
Maddox: It just…huh?
Dick: Is it brown?
Maddox: Yeah. It just has Chewbacca’s face on it.
Asterios: What’s wrong with that?
Maddox: No, it’s spiced latte…creamer.
Asterios: Would you rather there be no one’s face on it!?
Asterios: Then how are you having fun with your coffee!? (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: Because it costs more! All this branding costs more, shitheads! It costs more! We’re paying more for this branding!
Asterios: Waaaaah, waaaaah, waah.
(they all talk over each other)
Maddox: They’re paying for that…
Dick: (inaudible) paying more.
Maddox: Yes, we are!!!
Maddox: Because they pay a licensing fee. And you think that…
Dick: (interjects) Lemme tell you what Maddox wants.
Dick: In his food.
Dick: He wants…it to be exactly like it is on TV. Where…(Asterios laughs) a beer just has the word “beer” on it.
Dick: All cereal is just white boxes that say “cereal”. You have no choice in anything. You walk into the store, THEY fill your cart up for you.
Dick: And then you just walk out.
Asterios: Sounds like Cuba to me.
Maddox: That’s not at all what I want! But the non-labelled branding, actually, I did think about doing that. I want to create a store with non-branded items. So yeah.
Dick: Yeah, see?
Maddox: You come in and…(Dick laughs) I’m okay with that. That’s fun! And you do have a choice!!
Asterios: Yeaaaaaaah! I can’t wait to eat Cereal-Os. (Dick, Sean, and Asterios laughs) And drink milk-branded milk!!
Maddox: Then you can draw whatever you want on the box! You don’t have…like, there’s no place to draw on the boxes. On cereal box….
Asterios: (interjects) I DON’T HAVE TIME!!
Maddox: Asterios, that’s a fucking lie!!!! (laughs)
Asterios: I don’t have time to make my own food creative! Look, the other day…I bought a can of shaving cream that had Dennis Nedry’s face on it.
Dick: From Jurassic Park?
Asterios: Yes! Because remember how in Jurassic Park…
Asterios: Nedry stored the embryos in a can of Barbasol? Barbasol made, like, special, like…”Haha, there’s dinosaurs hidden in here.” Shaving cream.
Dick: Oh, that’s cool.
Asterios: And I was like, “I’m buying this one!”
Asterios: Now I get to pretend I’m in Jurassic Park every time I shave!
Asterios: Now every time I shave I pretend that I’m gonna get covered in dilophosaurus spit and die in a mud pit and have the embryos disappear until they’re found in Jurassic Park III.
Maddox: Yeah, well, it’d be better if you pretended like you were a supporter of the show and went to http://www.harrys.com/biggest!!!! (cracks up) And save $5!!!
Asterios: Look, I put it…
Maddox: (interjects) Hold on. Here’s what…here’s the Star Wars.
Dick: (interjects) If you want to pretend to live with dinosaurs, use promo code BIGGEST …(they crack up) to save $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: Here is an actual Star Wars food-related product that I am 100% on board with, ‘cause it totally makes sense.
Maddox: There’s a Pop Tart with Han Solo frozen in carbonite made out of frosting.
Dick: That’s great!!!
Asterios: That’s awesome.
Maddox: Yeah. Look at this picture.
Dick: That’s fun!
Maddox: Look at this picture. It’s kinda hard to tell, but I have…it’s Han Solo in frosting.
Maddox: Which is the only Star Wars food item that actually makes sense. That’s fun and it’s practical. You know? I get it.
Dick: (interjects) You have really high standards for your, like, marketing.
Maddox: Yeah, I do.
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah, what about Darth Taters?
Maddox: Ugh, please!
Asterios: Luke Piewalkers!! R2 Fruit Chews!!! Stewbacca! (Maddox laughs) Nien Nunb’s Chicken Drums!! Yoda Soda!!!
Maddox: Yoda Soda. (laughing)
Asterios: Shaak Ti’s Ice Tea!!! Don’t you drink or eat any of these things!? (Maddox dies of laughter)
Maddox: No. Not if…
Asterios: Salacious Crumb Cakes! Landos Flan Do’s!!! What are you EATING?!
Maddox: Yeah!! You know what, Asterios? Just normal food that isn’t a pun of a Star Wars character. That’s it!
Asterios: Anakin’s Bran-A-Thins!! (Maddox laughs) You’re not EATING THESE?!!?
Maddox: Anyone could do these!!! Ugh…(stammers) Death Star, okay, what…(Dick cracks up)
Asterios: Obi-Wan KenKobe Beef…
Dick: Yeah, you nailed it!!!!!!!! (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Yeah, great job, asshole!!
Dick: Grand Moff Takeout.
Asterios: Obi-Wan Ken Kobe Beef Medallions!!! (they all crack up) Emperor Palabeans!!! How come you’re not eating these foods!!? (Dick claps) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Ugh, great. Awesome.
Asterios: What’s wrong with you?!
Maddox: Uh, okay. How about Ewok’s Pea-Woks? Uh, they’re just a can of peas with Ewoks on em, eehhh, beh, beh, beh.
Dick: Pea Woks? (cracks up)
Maddox: Pea Woks. (laughs)
Asterios: That’s not a food!
Maddox: Peas are foods! PEAS ARE FOOD!
Asterios: No, what you wanna say…you probably wanna say something like…
Maddox: (interjects) Wayne Brady. (laughs)
Asterios: Yeah, exactly.
Maddox: How about Chewy Caramel Bacca…Caramels. Beh, beh, beh.
Asterios: I already said Stewbacca, asshole!
Maddox: Stew…(cracks up)
Asterios: Chewbacca, Stewbacca!
Asterios: I already said that.
Maddox: Oh, that sounds real hearty.
(Sound effect: Fart)
Maddox: (laughs) Listen to this, though. Um, then there’s Star Wars cookie cutters. The Darth Vader cookie cutter makes it look like a little gingerbread girl. Like…I got a picture here. Look at this. This is…in the corner. In the lower left hand corner, there’s a little Darth Vader. It looks like a gingerbread girl.
Dick: Looks like Cathy.
Maddox: They don’t look…(cracks up)
Asterios: Yeah. You gotta decorate them with icing. You can’t just pull a cookie…a gingerbread cookie doesn’t look like a gingerbread cookie until you put his little gingerbread buttons on him, his gingerbread bowtie, and his little gingerbread smile!! (Maddox guffaws) You need to stop with this problem now, before I continue to humiliate you.
Maddox: Okay. Asterios, I teased this, alright?
Maddox: I said, “I’m going to tell you what the problem with this is”…and it’s going to hurt YOU, Asterios, and everybody who loves branded food and products, right? There’s something called “the Frozen effect” and this is from forbes.com from an article titled “When Disney Movies’ Merchandising is Too Much”. And they talked about how Frozen merchandising accumulated 107.2 billion dollars in retail sales. That’s more than the GDP of Morocco, Slovakia, Ecuador, and the Dominican Republic! That’s like saying, “Hey, Dominican Republic, you know all that product you’ve been producing domestically? Every single bottle of rum? All those bananas? Tobacco? Refined petroleum and medical instruments?”
Dick: Like, nothing.
Maddox: Yeah. We spend money…we spend more money on shitty Frozen merchandise than everything…every single citizen in your country makes COMBINED.
Asterios: You know what?!
Dick: So what?
Asterios: Maybe the Dominican Republic should fucking get off its ass and make some products people want to buy! (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: Okay, I’m sorry that we all like the snowman from Frozen! How about instead of making refined petroleum, they make Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru’s Pumpkin-Flavored Dunkaroos?! (they all crack up) Wedge Antilles’ Aunt’s Chili, huh!!? (Maddox and Sean laugh) Mon Mothma’s Prawn Cakes!! Just get off your ass and do something!
Maddox: Yeah, make a pun-based food item! That’s how you make the real bucks!
Asterios: Nute Gunray’s Bun Tray!! (Maddox cracks up) Get to work!!!
Maddox: Fuck you, Asterios!!
Asterios: Senator Flan-adala!! General Grievous’ Fennel-Encrusted Eaglesses! (Maddox and Dick crack up) Get off your ass and make something people wanna buy!!!
Maddox: Asterios, I don’t even know where you’re getting all this shit!! Are you just rattling these off?!
Asterios: This is the food I eat every day!!! (yells) (they crack up) How can you…don’t you guys eat Qui-Gonn Jin-flavored pizza?!
Maddox: No!! It’s just pizza!!
Asterios: What’s wrong with you people!?
Maddox: I do! It’s just pizza, Asterios!
Asterios: Ugh, I hate you guys.
Maddox: It’s just fucking pizza with sausage on it! How about that, huh?
Asterios: I’m sorry, Sean. I hate you, too, now. I hate all of you guys!! I don’t even know why! I’m just disappointed in humanity and you guys are represe….
Sean: (interjects) What the hell did I do?
Asterios: I don’t know! I’m just mad at everything right now.
Asterios: I need to take a…I need to take a minute.
Maddox: Good! Then while you’re taking that minute, stew on this Asterios, this is from the article. It says, “Frozen seems to be too much of a good thing. It brought the understanding back to retailers that they can sell character license throughout the store, but was also seen at freezing out other attractive licenses because retailers were too overwhelming in their support of Elsa and company at the expense of placing other licensed goods on the shelves.” Now, you think, “Well, that’s fine. ‘Cause the market determines what’s popular.” Right?
Maddox: But the problem is, Disney has purchased so much property. They own Marvel now. They own Star Wars. They own Elsa. They own all their other Disney properties. So if you are a creator whose property is owned and purchased by Disney, and you want to sell some of that merchandising? Disney and Disney alone determines how much money YOU make, because they determine what they’re going to market, and if they want to have a whitewash in the store of everything Star Wars or everything Frozen, too fucking bad! Now you can’t buy any other merchandise for any other brand, ‘cause Disney’s determined that Frozen’s number one.
Dick: How is that a problem? (grins)
Asterios: Just look and use the Internet if you want to buy your shit.
Maddox: I just explained exactly why.
Asterios: If you wanna buy your Breaking Bad action figure…
Asterios: Get him on Amazon. I mean, honestly…I know a thing or two about toy determination in the retail space, because of my commercial work.
Dick: No surprise.
Asterios: And it’s…look. A lot of the shelving space is determined by the retailers themselves. Wal-Mart, Target, some of…these bigger brands actually have a really big say in what toys show up and what toys don’t. Also, as a Disney stockholder, I want them to buy more and more. As soon as Disney bought Star Wars, I’m like, “I’m buying a lot of Disney stock.” It’s gone up 150%. It’s fantastic. I hope Disney…
Dick: (interjects) That’s a good move.
Asterios: I hope Disney ruins everything.
Maddox: Yeah, well…guess what? They’re ruining Star Wars. You’re short-sighted. Here’s why. With…
Dick: (interjects) They ruined Star Wars?!
Maddox: Yeah, and I’ll tell you why. Well, we’ll get to that.
Dick: I might place the blame of ruining Star Wars on somebody else.
Maddox: This is…continued from an article. It says, “With Frozen, we may now be seeing what LIMA, it’s a Licensing Industry Merchandiser’s Association, respondent called “brand fatigue”. Oversaturation of entertainment and celebrity properties was mentioned as a negative trend, minimizing available shelf space for all, though Disney does not seem to be suffering.” Now here’s what happens. When you start to see Star Wars showerheads in the shape of R2-D2 and Darth Vader…
Asterios: Awesome showerheads.
Dick: Yeah, cool.
Maddox: You’re pretty much past the hump of brand fatigue. And this is from Moz.com. It talks about why no one pays attention to your marketing. There’s this article. So if you have too many messages on a medium, right? Or the value provided is too low or infrequent to deserve attention, like, I can go to the dollar store right now and buy a 24-pack of Star Wars branded water bottles for a DOLLAR.
Dick: It’s a good deal.
Maddox: That brand association has been devalued to nothing, because I’m buying essentially…
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, so you give a shit…so now you give a shit about…
Dick: (interjects) Why are you worried about their brand?
Asterios: Right, exactly.
Dick: Why are you worried about…
Maddox: (interjects) I’m not. I’m telling you how people like Asterios, who like Star Wars merchandising…in the end it’s gonna nip you in the bud, because they’re devaluing the brand by making it so cheap.
Dick: But how’s it gonna nip HIM in the bud?
Asterios: Yeah, I get Star Wars water.
Maddox: ‘Cause you like this stuff.
Asterios: And Star Wars showerheads.
Maddox: You’ll get it now, but you won’t be able to in the future when it kills the brand. (Dick giggles)
Asterios: Yeah, but listen. What…the solution to…it’s like, yes, this happens with licensed properties. At some point, the Ninja Turtles waned in popularity from the 80s. Yeah. This is what happens. G.I. Joe gets less popular. He-Man gets less popular.
Maddox: But why? Why?
Asterios: Uh, it’s definitely not ‘cause there’s too much He-Man stuff.
Dick: (interjects) Well, hopefully…
Maddox: (interjects) Brand fatigue.
Asterios: It’s because people grow up.
Dick: Grow up.
Asterios: It’s because…
Asterios: …the storytelling gets bad.
Maddox: Clearly, they haven’t, Dick. (giggles) Clearly they haven’t grown up if they’re still buying, uh…what’s the Dunkaroos one?
Asterios: Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru’s Pumpkin Flavored Dunkaroos. (Maddox laughs) Look, here’s what…
Dick: (interjects) A lot of us do.
Asterios: Yeah. All I’m saying is, Star Wars has been selling merchandise, like, really well for decades now. If your problem is you’re worried that…
Dick: (interjects) Star Wars is not merchandising enough.
Asterios: …is that Star Wars merchandise will get worse? Look, don’t worry. It’s already…yeah.
Dick: I’m sure they got a couple guys at Disney trying to figure it out.
Asterios: Yeah. They’ll fix this problem.
Maddox: Well, no. Disney right now…I mean, the entertainment industry, for movie and TV, is hurting. Really bad. Most people outside of the industry don’t know this, but, like…
Dick: (interjects) Good!
Maddox: …TV is essentially dead.
Dick: (interjects) Also good!
Maddox: Whether it’s good or bad is irrelevant. Right now, the industry’s really hurting. So Disney…this is, like, one last hurrah as a big cash grab to merchandise as much as they possibly can for the Star Wars franchise. And I mean, if the movie comes out and is anything less than stellar, it will kill this brand, especially with how much merchandising there is.
Dick: (interjects) I think they put three movies through that were dog shit and they STILL couldn’t kill the brand.
Asterios: Yeah, that’s…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, I don’t know that they were dog shit, Dick. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) Listen to this. This is the final point, here. It says, “The messaging can’t be effectively tuned or controlled by the user.” When you have an oversaturation of a brand campaign that is so overwhelming that people get sick of it, like I am now, it becomes something that you resent after a while. And then…this is from marketingweek.com. “The biggest factor that’s missing in all this stuff, I think, it authenticity.” (Dick giggles) And they didn’t say this specifically with regards to Star Wars. They just said this with all brands. They said, “With the research showing that extensive exposure to brand message is causing fatigue, creating authentic experiences for consumers should help refresh the interest.” And that’s why I said the Pop-Tart with the Han Solo frozen in carbonite is one of the few items on this list that is an authentic Star Wars brand, because they are actually making it a non-trivial aspect of the product. It’s not just slapping a logo on the side of a can of soup that you can buy any other day and say, “Oh, not it’s a Star Wars…wait, what was it? C-3P-Os!” Yeah.
Dick: Well, those are fun, though.
Asterios: Delicious soup.
Asterios: For delicious people. I think that…(they giggle) Look, buddy. I could take a big dump on these Pop-Tarts, too. It’s like, if anyone wants to be a contrarian and take a dump on something fun, they can do it. I can be, like, “Well Han Solo’s a really cool character. He’s a smuggler. He shot Greedo first! Doesn’t it devalue him as a character to put him on a Pop-Tart?” (Dick laughs) Why do I want to eat Han Solo? Isn’t it weird that I’m eating my hero? If anything, I wanna eat Jabba! Like, you can make some argument about all this shit. It’s like…look. I just think that everyone’s excited about Star Wars, and you’re being a bit of a contrarian about it.
Dick: Well, it seems like your argument is that it will devalue their brand, and then Asterios won’t have access to all these products anymore?
Asterios: In the long run…
Dick: (interjects) Like, why do you give a shit about Disney’s brands?
Maddox: I…because it doesn’t just affect Disney. It affects a lot of things. Like…this kind of oversaturation of brand marketing almost killed…in fact, it did KILL the video game industry!
Dick: Ahh, here we go! Video games!
Asterios: We’re talking about Atari?
Maddox: In 1984…
Maddox: The Atari…so, when ET…the ET movie came out, Atari decided that this was gonna be the biggest fucking movie, and they were gonna make this game, and they pushed it through before it was finished, and made this shitty product. And they decided that this game was gonna be so popular, that they printed more cartridges of the game than there were SYSTEMS to play it on.
Maddox: And they…
Dick: (interjects) People might buy two!! (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: One for saving and one for playing!
Dick: Yeah, for playing. Like with our bonus episode. I always encourage people to buy two, just in case!
Maddox: No, I…
Dick: (interjects) I don’t know how computers work! Maybe something will happen to those MP3s! (him and Asterios talk over each other)
Asterios: If you put it in your Dropbox, it might disappear forever!!
Maddox: So…so the video game industry was killed by this oversaturation and this marketing, to the point where it took a company like…a a juggernaut like Nintendo with their product to be able to resuscitate it. But…that’s potentially what can happen. ‘Cause here’s the thing. I like…I like the original three Star Wars movies. And the prequels are awesome. They’re the best movies. (Sean groans) And, uh…(laughs)
Dick: That’s not surprising.
Maddox: And I like these things. I genuinely do. But this oversaturation is going to kill the brand, and I’m telling you. You know what? I’m the ghost of Christmas…Future.
Dick: Future. Mhmm.
Maddox: And I’m telling you what the future looks like, and it’s a Star Wars-less future, buddy! (Dick scoffs) And I wouldn’t want to live in that future, either. But I do. I kinda do.
Asterios: Yeah, I know you do!!!!
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)
Asterios: That’s the problem!!
Dick: Yeah. I think you hate it!
Asterios: Just say, “I’m annoyed by all these nerds…”
Maddox: I am!!
Asterios: “…waving their lightsabers around.”
Asterios: Just say that!
Maddox: I am.
Asterios: Don’t attack the branding!
Maddox: I am. I am, Asterios!!!
Asterios: Be like, “Other people’s excitement bothers me and confuses me!”
Dick: Yeah. That’s true.
Asterios: “I don’t like that all these nerds are happy.”
Dick: That’s what it is.
Asterios: I’m unhappy! How come they’re not unhappy?! Lemme complain about it.
Maddox: No, it’s too much, man! Every time, like, Game of Thrones comes around…every idiot on Facebook…their analysis of the last night’s episode. Huh, bluh, bluh. I just tune it out, I’m like…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. That’s…
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah. That’s what you do.
Dick: That’s how we bond with each other as hu-mon beings. (they laugh)
Maddox: Oh, don’t…
Dick: Mr. Roboto.
Dick: We talk about things that are going on, and stuff we like.
Asterios: Yeah, it’s…
Dick: (interjects) And we eat that stuff, too. We want it in our bodies.
Dick: So it can be a part of us.
Maddox: They make…like, some…
Asterios: (interjects) It’s brandedly delicious!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: This person…it’s not an official branded product, but there’s a guy…I think an artist in Hungary who made Star Wars-themed dildos. So you can fuck yourself with Star Wars, too, now. Go ahead, Dick! Fuck yourself! (laughs)
Dick: Hey, but you know when you don’t want to get fucked is on the price of your razor.
Asterios: That’s true.
Maddox: That’s true.
(Sound effect: “Ding!”)
Dick: This episode is brought to you by Harry’s. (Maddox giggles) Use promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM…
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: …to save $5 off your first purchase. Look, the holidays are coming up. This holiday season, Harry’s has something for every guy out there. Whether it’s a Secret Santa gift for your office…you know about those? You know what Secret Santas are, where you get everybody a present and it’s a huge pain in the ass? ‘Cause you don’t want to spend too much money, but you don’t wanna look cheap, right?!
Dick: You get their ass a nice Harry’s Holiday Set for $15. Save $5 when you use our promo code, right?
Maddox: Do they have a Harry’s phaser razor, Star Wars-themed razors? Buuuuuuuh. (laughs)
Asterios: I hope so.
Dick: Because they’re a great company that cares about your shave.
Dick: They don’t care about branding.
Maddox: No gimmicks.
Dick: They do, however, have a great holiday pack. Asterios, I want you to look at this.
Asterios: Tell me!
Dick: This is the Harry’s Holiday Kit.
Asterios: Lemme take a look at this.
Dick: I wanna give this to you…
Asterios: Oh, thank you.
Dick: ‘Cause you look like shit. (Asterios and Maddox laugh)
Asterios: I feel like shit!
Dick: No one’s gonna tell you that, but you gotta…you need a nice shave.
Asterios: Oh, my God!
Dick: It’ll make you feel better about yourself.
Maddox: You guys can’t see this. Asterios came from a night of heavy drinking at a bowling alley.
Asterios: And heavy pot smoking.
Maddox: Oh, heavy pot smoking.
Asterios: At the bowling alley after-party. Alright, so I’m seeing a daily face wash. I haven’t washed my face in a few days. I think my face could probably use the power of cooling peppermint and eucalyptus to gently exfoliate all the Star Wars cereal off my cheeks and lips!!
Maddox: All is a little aggressive, I don’t know. I mean, it might take a couple of sessions.
Asterios: You’re…okay. And so here we go. Alright, so this Harry’s razor comes with this nice, cool little blade, kinda like a Montblanc pen.
Dick: Oh, it’s true.
Maddox: Now Asterios, I want you to hold that ra…
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, it’s heavy, like…
Asterios: Like…it’s like a gun.
Dick: It’s gold like C-3PO.
Asterios: It’s gold like C-3PO, but it’s almost heavy like sort of, Han Solo’s Blastek Blaster.
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, there it is.
Dick: That’s true. That’s true.
Maddox: This is not…
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, it’s got a real power to it!!
Maddox: They’re not Star War…Disney is not paying us for this free product placement!! (Dick giggles) We’re not getting paid by Disney.
Asterios: I’m seeing one, two…five blades?!
Dick: Is that how many it has?
Asterios: Yeah, I’m counting ‘em right now.
Dick: I dunno how to count the blades.
Asterios: There’s five blades on this guy. That’s great.
Maddox: That, you know what? They could do with three. With the quality of those blades?
Dick: Maddox, you’re telling all these companies how to run their businesses today!
Dick: Disney…this is how you should do marketing! A billion dollar marketing initiative!! Harry’s got too many blades in the razor!!
Maddox: No, I…
Dick: (interjects) You should be a consultant!
Maddox: I like…I like the number of blades. I think it’s a perfect razor the way it is.
Sean: And then everyone should do the opposite. (Dick chuckles)
Dick: Well, hey. Visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: So thank you for supporting us, guys! Thank you to Harry’s for supporting the show. Awesome. Alright. Asterios, you…you have a problem?
Asterios: Yeah. And you know what? I think we can probably go through mine real quick, because it’s…I don’t think we’re gonna argue about this too much. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: What show are you on, buddy? (they laugh)
Dick: We had an entire episode arguing about apples.
Asterios: Okay! Well…but look. Apples are one thing. I don’t think anyone in this room thinks the prequels are awesome. And my problem is Prequel Apologists.
Dick: Star Wars prequels.
Asterios: Star Wars Prequel Apologists. Yeah. Be…(stammers) I suppose the Godfather prequel was even better than the original, so let’s not say all prequels are bad. (Dick chuckles) Um, there’s an easy way to get hits now on the Internet.
Asterios: It’s to put out a think piece or a podcast that’s like…”Let’s take a second look at the prequels!” “Let’s reconsider the prequels.”
Asterios: There’s this article on the AV Club. I…it’s called “The Star Wars Prequels Don’t Deserve Your Hatred”. And it came out a month ago. I see this every day on Facebook. I’ve only clicked on it now for the purpose of this podcast, ‘cause every time I see that headline, I’m like, “That’s fucking clickbait.”
Asterios: I hate that annoying clickbait bullshit.
Asterios: And it’s just like…people…comedians have made a lot of money shitting on the prequels for decades. I mean, the first one came out 15 years ago. Because they’re bad movies, and so now there’s no more money to be made in it. So all these fucking think piece blogger “Gotta get hits” assholes are writing like, “Ooh, let’s reconsider.”
Asterios: “In many ways, like, isn’t this unrestrained genius kind of interesting?” And bla, bla, bla.
Dick: Oh. (scoffs)
Asterios: And it’s just annoying.
Dick: What are their points? ‘Cause I hate, like…
Dick: I’ll listen to the Mr. Plinkett reviews.
Dick: I listen to those…
Maddox: Red Letter Media. Yeah.
Dick: Well, do you know…have you ever heard his reviews of the prequels?
Dick: They’re like an hour and a half long for each movie.
Maddox: They’re so good.
Dick: And for some reason, they’re so satisfying.
Dick: I’ll just listen to them on a loop all day.
Maddox: The first time I saw his reviews, I recommend everyone go check out Red Letter Media’s Star Wars reviews of the original three movies. I saw that he went in depth reviewing each movie, and each one of these videos is like an hour and a half long.
Dick: Oh, yeah. It’s great.
Maddox: There’s no fucking way I’m gonna watch this shit!
Maddox: And then I watch a few minutes, and I ended up watching all three. And they were so satisfying, because he really breaks down everything wrong with that movie. And one of the big things, Asterios, back to the branding thing.
Maddox: Is his criticism of the original three…the prequels. Was that George Lucas let the outside world seep into the Star Wars universe. So Darth Vader was originally not a main character. Not a very big character in the original three movies. And because he became so popular after the movie, George Lucas retroactively made the movies about Darth Vader. And that kind of seeped into the universe. That’s where that branding also hurt the actual franchise.
Asterios: I’m not gonna…I wouldn’t blame the branding on that, because…(Dick laughs) between Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back, people were like, “Oh, we like this Darth Vader guy.” Yeah, in Star Wars, he’s like the muscle. He’s the enforcer. Like, in Plinkett and the Red Letter Media reviews, Mike Stoklasa calls him, like, an S.S asshole would be for the Nazis.
Asterios: Just a guy that does the dirty business of the Empire.
Asterios: But after Star Wars, people were like, “This Darth Vader guy’s pretty fucking cool!” So in Empire, he’s the main bad guy now. He’s not…he’s not answering to General Veers, or he’s not answering to Admiral…um, I forget the name of the admiral. He’s like choking these motherfuckers out left and right. (giggles)
Asterios: In Empire. And then obviously, in Return of the Jedi, which is not as good of a movie, he…you know. He’s the Emperor’s hand.
Asterios: You know. He’s sent to…
Dick: (interjects) When is he Luke’s dad? ‘Cause that was obviously thought of afterwards.
Asterios: Oh, yeah. He’s definitely not Luke’s dad in the first movie.
Asterios: Absolutely not.
Dick: Right, yeah.
Maddox: So, Asterios. Right now, everything you’re doing is…are you defending the prequels?
Asterios: No. How is that…
Dick: No, those are the originals.
Asterios: How does that sound like that at all?
Maddox: Because…because the criticism of the prequels is that George Lucas let the outside universe of this Darth Vader hysteria seep into the story and made it more about Darth Vader.
Asterios: Well, but the thing is, you COULD make a compelling story about Anakin Skywalker; he just didn’t do that.
Asterios: The problem with the prequels isn’t that they decided to focus on Anakin Skywalker. The problem is that they…is that it’s bad storytelling. Like…you could do any…like, you could give me…like, something that Bob Odenkirk says is, like, “Hand me the script to Casablanca and watch me turn it into a huge piece of shit.”
Asterios: Like, you can ruin any story.
Maddox: Not Mad Max, ‘cause there is no story!! (Asterios laughs) That’s why it’s the best, man! That was the best m…100 out of 5 stars! I still like that movie.
Asterios: Well, I’m not gonna argue with you. But yeah. Here’s something from the AV Club. Here’s a line: “They’re far better, far more fun space operas than their damaged reputation suggests.”
Dick: Space operas?
Asterios: “For that matter…” I mean, they are space operas, but…
Asterios: ‘Cause it’s like soap operas but in space.
Asterios: Like Star Trek was a space opera.
Asterios: Star Wars is considered a space opera.
Maddox: Babylon 5.
Asterios: Babylon 5 is the biggest space opera.
Maddox: Battlestar Galactica. Huge space opera.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly, ‘cause there’s a lot of sex and relationship shit, and people talking.
Asterios: Um, you know. This article also says, “For that matter, they’re also better written than they’re given credit for.” And it’s like, “No they’re not.”
Asterios: These are bad movies. And if you liked them, it’s because you were 12 when they came out, and you liked being a kid.
Asterios: And…so…okay, look. I’m not gonna say the Goonies is amazing. I like the Goonies.
Asterios: So it’s like…just write your fucking blog piece about that, bloggers. Just go, “Yeah, I was 11 and I wasn’t that judgmental of the media I consumed.” And okay, yeah, I guess I like it. I guess I like it a little more than an adult who saw it.
Maddox: It’s just…
Dick: (interjects) I had a friend who was my age, still…who kind of liked them, and it really made me lose…it lessened my opinion of him.
Asterios: What was…
Dick: (interjects) Just because he liked the prequels. It was like, “Hmm.”
Asterios: What was his reasoning? Like, what did he say?
Dick: I think he just liked lightsabers.
Asterios: (interjects) That’s the thing.
Maddox: I worked with this guy at my old job who is…as fanatical as a Star Wars fan gets. You know those guys on TV…I didn’t realize this about him at the time, but I was…I was kind of…I made an offhanded comment one day about how there are these really fanatical Star Wars fans who have entire rooms of their houses dedicated to the action figures.
Maddox: And they just have…it’s just like a storeroom for action figures.
Maddox: And he got really defensive. He goes, “What’s wrong with that?” And I thought, well…
Dick: (interjects) It’s weird.
Maddox: Yeah, it’s super weird.
Maddox: And also, it’s, like, kinda creepy. And then I found out that he was one of these guys, and that he rented this apartment that he didn’t live in.
Asterios: Oh, no!
Maddox: It was a separate apartment in a different state. (Dick giggles) That he had just filled with Star Wars action figures.
Dick: Ahh. Your friends, man.
Maddox: And he had…yeah. (they crack up) He had two or three…
Dick: Corn and porn…(Maddox laughs) Apartments for their action figures. That he probably housed his real doll in as well, when people weren’t looking.
Maddox: I don’t know.
Asterios: That he put Yaddle’s face on.
Maddox: No, uh…
Asterios: (interjects) Yaddle is the female Yoda, by the way.
Maddox: Oh, thank you. (laughs)
Asterios: You’re welcome.
Maddox: Thank you, Asterios. (Sean laughs) Um, no. So he had all these action figures. And he had, I think, two or three of every single one. One to open and play with. (Dick laughs) And one to….(Asterios groans) one to keep forever. And then one to sell or trade. (Dick sighs) So he had, like, three of every single one. And there’s this huge, like, subculture of these people who go around doing this. And he was a huge defender of the prequel. He was a huge prequel apologist.
Dick: How would he play with them? Like, he would open it up to…
Asterios: Pew, pew!!!
Maddox: Just, like, put ‘em on…(they all talk over each other)
Asterios: Take that, Mace Windu!!
Dick: Would he do that?!
Asterios: Pew, pew!! (laughs)
Maddox: I mean, he put ‘em up on his desk at work as…as decoration sometimes. I…I didn’t…I think I saw…
Dick: (interjects) Talk to them? (grins)
Maddox: I think I saw him, like, carrying one around one time, but I don’t know. (Dick guffaws) I don’t know. It’s kinda weird, but…
Asterios: (interjects) Was it in his back pocket next to his slingshot?
Maddox: (laughing) (Sean laughs) No, it was not like that. It was almost like a fanaticism. And this is where I’m talking about…
Dick: Like a rosary!
Maddox: Um…I don’t know if he worshipped them.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: But he did carry them around a lot. And I…
Asterios: (interjects) To put in his butt. Yeah.
Maddox: (giggles) This goes back to last week’s problem. The inability to disconfirm. These are people who are such fans of the franchise…
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, yeah.
Maddox: That they cannot disconfirm their belief that the entire franchise is good, and nothing that comes out of it is bad.
Asterios: Yeah. Well, because you don’t want to believe that the thing you like could possibly be bad. It’s sort of why people stay with shitty, like, spouses, or girlfriends, or boyfriends.
Asterios: ‘Cause you’re like, “Well I’ve put in all this time. I would hate for all that time to be wasted.” It’s the…it’s the…
Maddox: (interjects) Sunk cost fallacy.
Asterios: Sunk cost fallacy, exactly.
Asterios: That’s why a gambler keeps gambling.
Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah.
Asterios: It’s like…we’ll see…I can kinda relate. I remember being 17 and walking out of Star Wars: Episode 1, and going, like, “I think that was good.” Like, I think I liked it.
Dick: Star Wars 1, with the kid?
Asterios: Yeah, well just because I was a teenager and it had not occurred to me that Star Wars could be bad.
Asterios: Like, that was the farthest thing from my mind, so…so I kept having to come up with ways where I was like, “I guess I liked that.” (Dick chuckles)
Asterios: I guess I liked that scene. You know, it’s kinda like when someone’s losing their religion. (Maddox laughs) Like, at first they’re like, “Well, that’s weird. Oh, but Jesus said this.” “Ah, but that’s weird.”
Asterios: It’s like…it’s a slow descent into, like…into realizing, like, “Oh, no. I’ve been lied to.” (laughs)
Dick: So when was the moment that you decided there was no George Lucas? (Asterios and Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Don’t tell me that! Um, I think…
Dick: (interjects) What was the progression of, like, as a fan?
Dick: (interjects) ‘Cause I saw the first one and I was like, this is dogs…like, the first ten minutes, you’re like, “Oh, this is horseshit.”
Asterios: You’re probably smarter than me.
Dick: It’s horrible. Not smarter, I just don’t have a fanatic devotion to Star Wars.
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah. I was…I went nuts for it. I mean, I’ll tell you honestly, one of the big things that’s kind of helped me…because for a while, I just ignored the prequels. I was like, “I don’t like them. I don’t know why. Whatever.” Like, they didn’t bother me until I saw the Plinkett reviews. Uh, you know, at redlettermedia.com. And he dissected…
Asterios: Like, from a filmic perspective why these movies are bad. These characters have no motivations. This plot makes no sense. And after that, I was like, “I’m SUPER mad.” Like, now I get it.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Asterios: It’s like he unlocked the mystery of WHY they were SO terrible.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: He…he really went in depth. You know, I’ll tell you the exact moment that happened for me when I became disillusioned with the franchise, is the first time I saw…like, um..(stammers) it was the prequel movies. I got early tickets. I went opening night.
Dick: Oh, my God!!
Maddox: And I’m going opening night for this new movie, too!
Maddox: Oh, absolutely.
Dick: You guys are BOTH huge Star Wars fans!
Maddox: I’m a fan of the franchise! I liked the original three movies. But then this is the moment. So…
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah, you sound like it.
Maddox: So there’s the Grievous…who’s the general?
Asterios: General Grievous.
Maddox: Grievous. General Grievous.
Maddox: Right? Yeah.
Maddox: No, no…who are the…the first two guys with the Asian accents.
Asterios: The Neimoidians!
Maddox: Neimoidians! Yeah.
Dick: How did…which guys? How did they sound?
Maddox: Like a really racist…(Dick guffaws)
Asterios: (interjects) They do.
Maddox: Kinda…not racist, but, like, a very stereotypical Asian accent. Like…
Asterios: (interjects) They’re supposed to be like the Japanese powers in World War II.
Asterios: Like, that’s how they go. They essentially made this guy like Hirohito. Like, that’s absolutely true.
Maddox: So I heard that, and I’m like, “Oh, this is…”
Asterios: (interjects) Newt Gunray.
Maddox: Newt Gunray. That’s..yeah.
Asterios: By the way, which is Newt Gunray…that’s Newt Gingrich, and Gunray is Reagan backwards.
Asterios: That’s George Lucas taking a potshot at your conservative heroes!!!
Dick: Well. (chuckles) How’d that work out for him!? (Asterios and Maddox laughs) Stumped!!!
Maddox: And there was another one, too. He used…he intentionally gave the line “Only Sith Lords see things in absolutes.”
Maddox: And that was a potshot at George W. Bush at the time, because George W. Bush, after 9/11, came out and said “You’re either with us or against us.” This, like, black and white, good or bad, Old West point of view.
Maddox: And George Lucas took a potshot at George W. Bush in the third movie, too.
Asterios: They absolutely did, yeah.
Maddox: ‘Cause…yeah. So anyway, um. The moment I became…
Asterios: (interjects) It didn’t work out that well for him!
Dick: No. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: The actual moment that I became disillusioned with the franchise, though. And this was, like, a SHOCKING thing for me. Is when I first saw Jar Jar Binks on screen.
Maddox: Everyone in the theater, like, became quiet, and we looked around.
Maddox: And everyone’s, like, looking at each other. Yeah! We’re like, “Is this REALLY happening?” Is this what this franchise has become?! This is…this is an actual thing I’m supposed to consume as part of my media of this entire, rich franchise!
Maddox: Where there’s all these great puppets and creatures, and this rich diversity! Now we got fucking Jar Jar Binks?!
Maddox: And this is how bad the Star Wars apologists have gotten, Asterios. Now there’s this article…
Asterios: Oh, yeah. (conspiratorial)
Maddox: Floating around on the Internet about how they’re trying to, like, fix the prequels retroactively by saying, “Oh, well Jar Jar’s actually a really clever character because he’s actually a Sith Lord.” And there’s all these THEORIES…
Dick: (interjects) What? (skeptical)
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: There are all these fucking theories where people spend HOURS of their lives dissecting these movies and trying to retroactively justify Jar Jar Binks as a character in this universe. Here’s this, um…YouTube video…by, I think it’s Vincent H. Says, “Is Jar Jar a Sith? Crazy theory might be true.” (Asterios chuckles)
Dick: Might be true!!
Asterios: I better click!
Maddox: Yeah. Then there’s another one by Shotanna Studios. The exact same thing, they just ripped it off. There’s one “Jar Jar Binks is an evil Sith mastermind Theory”. Another one by DashStar. There’s another one on cracked.com…”Why Jar Jar Binks is more evil than you’ll ever know.” It’s all these click bait-y things. Yeah.
Asterios: All click bait. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Here’s a little excerpt from the Jar Jar Binks theory. Listen to this.
(Clip starts, male voice: “You may have heard already about the theory that’s blowing up around the Internet right now.”
Dick: Oh, my God.
“About how Jar Jar Binks may actually be a Sith master. So I decided to make this video to explain every single detail for you. So here it is. This is the COMPLETELY airtight, absolutely foolproof case for why Jar Jar Binks is the most powerful Sith master in the universe.”)
Asterios: And for why Kelly should let me go to the prom with her!! (Maddox laughs) Number one: I’m cool!
Dick: How do you guys feel when listening to this? Do you feel like…
Asterios: (interjects) I wanna give this guy a swirly!!!
Dick: Oh, okay. Alright.
Asterios: Yeah, what, are you kidding?
Dick: Do you feel any camaraderie with him at all?
Dick: Like, do you identify with what he’s saying at all?
Asterios: Lord, no.
Asterios: Because he’s just trying to make a buck off this dumb Jar Jar thing!
Dick: I don’t know! That’s cynical. I think he sounds genuine in this…retarded video.
Asterios: Alright. (cracks up)
Maddox: Oh, it goes on, man.
Dick: Don’t you? Doesn’t it sound genuine to you?
Asterios: Welllllll, listen to him. You know, let’s find out.
Maddox: It’s an eight-minute-long v…we’re not gonna listen to the whole thing.
Asterios: Oh, thank God.
Dick: Thank God.
Maddox: He just goes on. Like, listen to his voice and cadence and how, like…it’s almost conspiratorial. (Asterios laughs) Listen to this, and then go listen to, like, any of the 9/11…
Dick: (interjects) It’s the audio version of a pedo smile!! (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Yeah, it does sound like that!! It absolutely does. (laughing)
Dick: It sounds like a guy I would say, “Okay, cool.” And then turn around and go, “Hey, don’t let any of the kids go near that guy.” (they crack up)
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, anyway. This video goes on, man. He just, like, rants about this. Yeah, listen to the cadence. It’s almost exactly like those 9/11 truther videos.
Maddox: Listen to the conspiratorial tone.
(Clip continues: male voice: “Jar Jar executes a 20-foot twisting somersault through the air…(Dick giggles) that if performed by any other character, you would assume they were either a Jedi or a Sith. As we know, the Jedi themselves are inspired by Shaolin monks.”
Maddox: As we know.
“The recent theory is that Jar Jar is based off of another traditional martial arts discipline called Zui Quan. (Dick laughs) Jar Jar almost singleh…”) (cuts off)
Maddox: Anyway, it just goes on, man.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: It just goes on and on.
Dick: ISIS is right. (Maddox laughs) We gotta be wiped off of the face of the Earth if this is what we’re doing.
Asterios: Yeah, I know. There’s so many times when, like…(laughs) Yeah!
Dick: Like, I get it! I get it.
Dick: I get it. Radicalize me right now! (Sean laughs)
Asterios: This is why they hate us!
Dick: Send me the bomb!
Dick: I’ll take this guy out. (groans)
Maddox: Anyway. Good problem, Asterios. Prequel Apologists.
Maddox: I’m…we’re all tired of ‘em.
Maddox: And that video, by the way, has 2 million views in one month, and every other copycat video…
Asterios: (interjects) Of course it does.
Maddox: …also has, like, at least 100,000 or 200,000 views.
Dick: What’s the problem with them, though, Asterios? Why do you hate them so much?
Asterios: With the prequels?
Dick: No, with the people who apologize for ‘em.
Asterios: Because I honestly…I don’t think it’s genuine. I think it’s just a pose. I think it’s a way to get some content out in the month before Star Wars comes out.
Asterios: Because no one’s gonna click on “Here’s why the prequels are bad.” Because at this point, we’ve had…I mean, the first…(stammers) Episode 1 came out in 1999. It’s 20..15. We’ve had…16 years to know why it’s bad. So now they gotta come up with why it’s good.
Asterios: And that’s the only reason they’re doing it.
Maddox: It’s a way to capitalize on the upcoming Star Wars movie. Anyway, hope you guys appreciated…(Dick cracks up) the Star Wars-themed episode!
Maddox: Brought to you by the Biggest Problem. Dick, what’s your…
Asterios: (interjects) I wanna talk about Star Wars anyway!!!
Dick: Here’s my…here’s my problem.
Maddox: What’s my problem, Dick?
Dick: Geriatric Action Heroes.
Maddox: Okay. (laughs)
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Maddox: Okay. Why is that a problem, Dick? (laughing)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: What is the feeling that you got when you saw Han Solo lumbering out of the Millennium Falcon in the commercial?
Asterios: (interjects) You mean sadness?
Dick: I heard, in my heart, I’m like, “Please God, don’t let him go on an adventure.” (Asterios cracks up)
Dick: He’s gonna break his…he’s gonna hurt himself!!
Dick: Like, what universe is a…is there no router that needs to be reset on the Millennium Falcon? (Asterios chuckles) By the way? ‘Cause that will stump a 70-year-old, for sure. All day. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: It’s ‘cause they’re trying…
Dick: (interjects) “The hyperdrive doesn’t work.” “Yeah, Dad, you gotta unplug it and plug it back in.” (Maddox laughs) “We’ve gone over this a hundred times, Han Solo. Pull the plug. Plug it back in.”
Maddox: I would pay to see that scene. It’s because they’re trying to sell Millennium Centrum. (laughs) Millennial Centrum to old people. Geriatrics. Yeah.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: They’re trying to sell Star Wars-themed adult diapers. (giggles) Yeah.
Maddox: Adult diapers.
Dick: You have blue milk of magnesia.
Dick: Is that a thing?!
Asterios: Nice! Yes, that’s great!! (Maddox laughs)
Sean: “And who made the oatmeal so fuckin’ spicy?!” (they laugh)
Dick: Yeah! I mean, I hope there’s no…
Asterios: (interjects) Steel-cut…lightsaber cut…sorry.
Maddox: Lightsaber-cut oatmeal, yeah.
Dick: There’s no rebelling that needs to be done after, like, 9:30. ‘Cause that’s when he’s gonna be konked out.
Asterios: No, he’s gotta go to bed. Or Dancing with the…Dancing with the Hollow Stars is on.
Dick: Is gonna be on!
Asterios: Dancing with the Sith!
Dick: Him and Chewie are gonna be watching that in their recliners…uh, ranting about which judge they hate.
Asterios: Yeah, and then talk about how hot the girls are and then falling asleep before the show ends. (giggles)
Dick: Yeah! I hope that a blaster is harder to lose than…glasses. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) Which MY dad has lost three pair in one week!!
Asterios: It’s like…ah, your glasses are on your forehead, and your blaster’s in your holster, Dad. (Maddox giggles)
Dick: Yeah! We gotta go! We gotta go blow up the Death Star! Where’s Han Solo’s blaster?! Fuckin’ lost it again!! (Asterios laughs) Why is a 73-year-old man on this adventure with us?!
Asterios: We gotta give him a blaster chain that we clip to his pants.
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean and Maddox laughs)
Asterios: So he doesn’t leave his blaster at the hyperspace Denny’s!! (background laughter)
Dick: In the clip, there’s a commercial where he goes, “Oh yeah. All the stories are true.”
Asterios: “It’s TRUE.”
Dick: It’s all true.
Asterios: It’s all true. (gravelly)
Dick: Yeah. Uh…you would’ve been telling them all day, every day.
Asterios: To everyone! (laughing)
Dick: To everyone. You’d be telling them 10 times a day, 8 days a week…until the sun exploded. Everyone would know these stories!
Asterios: Yeah. Or until the Sun Crusher artificially blew up a sun early with hyperspace proton torpedoes.
Maddox: Nerd. Nerd.
Dick: I got a stats for you. I got a stats for you. The average age of an action hero today? Lemme see. 48.
Asterios: Oh, that’s bad!
Dick: 48. 10 years ago, it was 35 and a half.
Dick: It’s Stallone! It’s Bruce Willis…
Dick: It’s all of these geriatric fucks who shove themselves…you wanna talk about shoving down our face…why…why do they only put these guys, these OLD assholes, in these roles?!
Asterios: Because honestly…’cause…kinda like to back to something that Maddox said before, it’s like…Hollywood’s making less money. They’re less willing to take a risk on a new face.
Asterios: They would rather…they would rather kind of do a limited budget Stallone movie, ‘cause they’ll be like, “Well, at least people know who he is” than try to build a new star. It’s fear.
Dick: You know what? That’s…that’s the easy answer.
Dick: And that might be right.
Asterios: Alright. (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: But this is…see, that occurred to me.
Dick: Right off the top. Like, okay, that could be it. It’s a safe bet.
Asterios: They’re bankable.
Dick: However, costs a lot. It costs a lot to pay those guys!
Asterios: Not anymore!
Dick: Well, okay…this is an alternate theory. (Maddox giggles) Maybe everyone needs a dad?
Dick: Maybe everyone in society needs a dad? That’s alternate theory number two! But I don’t know. I don’t kinda…I don’t buy that one!
Asterios: Alternate theory number three, you’re appealing to multiple market segments. Because old pe…’cause like, look. My dad saw Rocky in the 70s when it came out. So, like, maybe they think that my dad’ll go see Creed AND a young kid who’s into Michael B. Jordan will go see Creed. Like, maybe it’s multiple quadrant marketing.
Dick: It’s old people porn. It’s baby boomer porn!
Asterios: That’s what it…that’s the RESULT of it.
Dick: That’s all it is. That’s all it is.
Asterios: The result of it is, like, I can still get my dick hard. Yeah.
Dick: These fucking baby boomers have midlife crises every 40 seconds.
Dick: And they constantly need to be told that they’re still worth something.
Asterios: You still got it!
Dick: You still got it! These kids don’t know how to punch like you do at 70! Here’s some cortisol shots! You’re gonna need ‘em to walk into the theater!! (background giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, man. The…uh…
Asterios: The sixties never ended!!! Incense, peppermints, da-duh-da-da! (sings) (Maddox laughs) Yeah. He’s absolutely…you know what? You’re absolutely right about that.
Dick: Oh, they need it! They need it.
Asterios: Yeah, I know. Of course they do!!
Maddox: One of the saddest things I’ve ever seen is the…the draped leather…leathery skin…(Asterios groans) on Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Maddox: In Expendables 2.
Dick: Hold on, I got a great picture for you.
Asterios: He looks like a fucked up crocodile!!
Dick: I read a…(they all talk over each other)
Maddox: Like Leatherface was trying to make a full bodysuit! (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Made out of, like, old Arnold Schwarzenegger that stayed out in the sun too long. (laughs)
Dick: I read a piece about how empowering it was that Sylvester Stallone was still doing Rocky movies while I was doing research for this, and they said, “Wow, even at whatever, 60-something, his physique still looks great.” So I pulled up the shots of Rocky. (Maddox laughs) This was Rocky in the 80s.
Maddox: Yeah, he looks great.
Dick: Looks great, right? I wanna be that guy. If I was a chick, I’d want him to fuck me, right?
Maddox: Nice and tight. Yeah.
Dick: Here’s…here’s the Rocky they’re talking about who still looks great. Holy shit.
Maddox: Ohhhhhhh, man. That looks like a bag of smashed potatoes.
Asterios: Aaaaaaaaahhh. Yeah.
Dick: It looks like the Ghost of Christmas Aids. (they crack up) It’s embarrassing. It’s embarrassing to me that these old men are doing this and that other old men are encouraging it!
Dick: We…men as a whole get blamed, like that age gap shit, where it’s like, “Oh, Tom Cruise is trying to bang a chick in a movie who’s 25 years younger than him!”
Asterios: No shit!
Dick: I don’t want to see that either! Okay?
Dick: No!!! I don’t wanna see Tom Cruise’s stapled ass trying to plow Emily Blunt, a young, nubile female!!
Dick: Do you wanna see that?!
Asterios: Counterpoint to that. I want to think that I could bang people in their mid-twenties until I die.
Asterios: And if the media tells me it’s possible…I’ll consume that media.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Asterios: Because I don’t…
Asterios: Because I’m afraid of…
Dick: You BOTH wanna see that?!
Asterios: Look…hey, look.
Maddox: I want that fantasy!
Asterios: Look. (Dick cracks up)
Asterios: Look, buddy. I’m telling you why this works. I’m not saying it’s correct.
Asterios: I’m just saying…you can see…you can see why you would want to go watch a movie where you’re sitting in the audience, you’re some fat fuck, shoving popcorn in your mouth, being, like, “My dick still works! I could still pork young, hot girls!”
Dick: As an old man, yes. (Maddox chuckles) But not as a 30-something year old!!
Asterios: I know. I’m just…I’m just explaining the appeal of it.
Maddox: I’m…there’s two things that go into that. There’s that study they did recently, where they looked at the median age of men that women are attracted to, and it correlates directly, like, linearly with their age. A 35-year-old woman is attracted to a 35-year-old man, more or less, like, give or take three or four years.
Maddox: Men, all the way across the board, up until like, 70. All attracted to the age of 21. And I think that…you know, the reason probably has more to do with our biology, because…
Dick: Well, because they’ve never dated one. (Maddox laughs) That’s the real reason.
Maddox: Well, just…we’re talking about physical attraction. I think it has more to do with our biology, because they are the most fertile, and as a species, we exist to propagate, so you want to have sex with the most fertile type of person. Uh, and men unfortunately, for women, don’t have that stigma associated with them, because they can reproduce forever. So…
Dick: You know how old Bruce Willis was in Die Hard?
Asterios: Oh, no. Oh, in the first one?!
Asterios: What was he…it was after…maybe 31, 29.
Dick: 33. A normal age.
Dick: A normal age for a guy to be running around, fighting terrorists. 33.
Asterios: How old was he in Die Hard 4 when they went to Russia?
Dick: 300. (Asterios and Maddox crack up) The Rock, Nicholas Cage. 32. Also. So imagine The Rock with no Nicholas Cage, just Sean Connery. That’s what all action movies are now.
Asterios: Oh, God, you’re right.
Dick: These disgusting old men. We’re watching…these old guys in Hollywood give a handjob to our dads. (Asterios cracks up) You’re still worth something. You can still do it like these young guys.
Maddox: I dunno. My dad doesn’t watch anything. He’s just like a dinosaur. He doesn’t listen to anything, he doesn’t watch anything, except occasionally the news, or boxing. And that’s it. So Dick, as someone who has, like, more of a normal dad, would your dad watch this stuff and, like, you know. Would it appeal to him? Is he the target demo for this? ‘Cause I…
Asterios: (interjects) It…does he…did he go see like Spectre? Or…
Dick: Sure. Well, it’s even…yeah, I think he has. I think he did see Spectre.
Asterios: Yeah, ‘cause isn’t that guy…
Dick: How old’s Daniel Craig?
Asterios: Isn’t Daniel Craig in his late forties? Doesn’t he bang, like, a 22-year-old girl?
Dick: TOO FUCKING OLD!!!
Asterios: Doesn’t he bang, like, a girl half his age in Spectre?
Asterios: ‘Cause the joke in Spectre was, like, James Bond is, what? Saving his own daughter? Like, why is he with this super young girl?
Dick: Here’s something else I found. So, my dad’s the kind of guy who can never sit still. Like, he’s always running, hiking, doing all these crazy, sweaty things.
Dick: For who knows why. The…the average age of an Iron Man competitor is 43.5. And runners running the London marathon in their forties finish a minute faster than runners in their twenties.
Dick: So these…these old guys have some kind of, like, weird fixation on virility.
Dick: That I don’t think…
Asterios: I’ll never die.
Dick: I don’t think we have. No.
Asterios: Oh, no. God no.
Dick: They had some heyday in the seventies.
Dick: That they’re always trying to relive. And we never had a heyday. I’ve never been happy one day in my life.
Asterios: Me neither. (Sean giggles)
Dick: No. So there’s gonna be nothing…in thirty years, there’s gonna be nothing to relive.
Asterios: I just wanna be in front of a bigger computer 20 years from now.
Asterios: That’s what I’m hoping for! Lemme say this, though, about these Star Wars movies, which again, I haven’t seen. I don’t even have my ticket to Star Wars 7 yet.
Maddox: Really?! I do!! (laughs)
Asterios: I know you do! If you have an extra, I’ll take it! I’m just…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh shit, yeah, maybe.
Asterios: I just didn’t wanna have to fight the crowds. I was like, “I’ll see it on Sunday.” Just ‘cause I was burnt by the prequels.
Asterios: I don’t wanna, like, get myself excited again.
Maddox: Dude, I got D-Box seats, and I got an extra ticket for you.
Asterios: I’ll buy it off you.
Maddox: Alright, cool, yeah.
Asterios: We’re going together. Alright, excellent.
Asterios: But, um…(Maddox giggles) Here’s what I’ll say. At least in Star Wars…
Sean: They just executed the most lame high five I’ve…EVER seen in my life.
Asterios: I told you. We’re nerds. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: It was a Force high five.
Asterios: Yeah, I’m not gonna pretend I’m not a fucking nerd.
Dick: Just go like that. No touch.
Asterios: Um, here’s what I’ll say, though. Hopefully, at least in Star Wars movies, it’ll be like, “Yeah, Han Solo’s like a general, and Princess Leia’s a general, and Luke Skywalker’s an old Jedi Master.” And hopefully, ‘cause it’s like…what the Star Wars movies did, the new one, is…the trailer’s all about these three super young characters. Poe Dameron, Rey, and Finn.
Maddox: Sure. Sure.
Asterios: Like these, like, young, cool…characters. And I’m just hoping…
Dick: (interjects) Why are they cool? They don’t ever say anything.
Asterios: I dunno, they seem cool to me. Poe Dameron’s an X-Wing pilot. That’s intrinsically cool.
Dick: Who’s…wait, which one is that?
Asterios: Poe Dameron. I think he’s the…he’s, like, Iranian. He’s the Middle Eastern X-Wing pilot.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: He wouldn’t be allowed in America.
Asterios: No, he certainly…but he could fly in. He could hyperjump into America.
Dick: Eh, prove he deserves it.
Dick: America’s a privilege. Don’t you two forget that. Take this privilege for granted.
Maddox: Sure. (scoffs)
Asterios: I’ll I’m saying is…(giggles) All I’m saying is that…’cause you look at a movie like fucking Indiana Jones.
Asterios: That’s way worse to me, because you’re making Harrison Ford the action star. Like, hopefully in these new movies, he’ll just be a supporting character. He’ll give some good advice.
Maddox: Yeah, well, you know, there might be two things going on with that. Like, they could easily cast one of these old guys, uh, Dick, in one of these movies. To pass the baton onto a younger dude. And I think they’ve tried that, but the problem is that I think egos get involved.
Maddox: ‘Cause Sylvester Stallone’s not gonna be, like…
Maddox: He’s not gonna do a movie that’s going to end his franchise of Rocky and pass the baton. Although, they tried to do that!
Asterios: Well, he just did with Creed. It’s like now he’s the Mickey.
Maddox: Oh, is he?
Asterios: And…yeah. I mean, that’s one of the example of it working. There’s a term, I forget who coined it, but it’s called a legasequel, which is a sequel in which you pass your legacy on to someone else. But it’s very rare that it works. Like, in Creed, apparently that’s the most successful Rocky movie of all time from a financial perspective. But you look at again, Indiana Jones 4, he tries to pass the baton on to Mutt Williams.
Asterios: And it absolutely doesn’t work, because his ego gets in the way. Or in, um, Die Hard 4. It’s him and his son running around Russia.
Maddox: Yeah, that’s true.
Asterios: And they try to pass the baton off, he’s like, “You’re the new McLain.” And no one…
Maddox: No one buys it.
Dick: ‘Cause I don’t need my action hero to have his fucking dad along on the adventure!
Asterios: Yeah, I know.
Dick: That’s it!
Asterios: Yeah, I know. I know. You’re not gonna hear any argument from me.
Maddox: It’s like a fishing trip with explosions.
Dick: It’s old guy porn, guys. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Not…
Dick: (interjects) We’re watching porn for old men.
Maddox: Vote up Non-Porn Porn!! (they all laugh) Yeah. Uh, good problem, Dick. So would you say that this applies to the new Star Wards franchise? ‘Cause Harrison is in it.
Dick: Yeah. ‘Cause all it is, is Han Solo.
Maddox: But didn’t he break his hip, or something? (laughs)
Asterios: Yeah, he did.
Dick: Yes. Every time I see an old man on a movie, I’m worried…I KNOW he’s gonna hurt himself!!
Asterios: He hurt himself…he was out for six…he was out for seven weeks ‘cause he fucking hurt himself on the set of Star Wars!
Dick: And you can’t stop ‘em! Old men are like toddlers! Like, they start as toddlers, they’re running around hurting themselves. Then they go through life, they have a job, they have a career and everything. They hit 60, they become toddlers again! They’re running around like crazy, trying to hurt themselves!
Asterios: But can you imagine us in our seventies and our sons trying to take our car keys away from us? And us just being, like, “Get out of my fucking house!”
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Asterios: “I will drive…I will DIE in my car!” It’s like…male stubbornness never dies!
Maddox: Oh, no. That’s what happened to my dad! My dad…my dad is what…he’s, like, 86, 87 years old now. And the doctor’s like, “You can’t drive anymore, man.” Like, the last few times I rode with my dad. Like, I’m not a worrywart when I’m driving with someone. (laughs) My mom screams at everything. And then, this is like the first time…I was like, “Uh, yeah, dad, maybe you want to drift back into the lane you’re supposed to be in.” (Asterios laughs) You’re, like, driving towards traffic in their lane!!
Asterios: I’m tryin’ to Tokyo Drift, son, shut up!!
Maddox: Oh, and he was so pissed when we…when we took the keys.
Maddox: He was like, “You will NOT take the key away.” And he’s like walking everywhere, being a real rebel. (laughs)
Asterios: It’s like a drunk girl who won’t let you have her keys!!
Asterios: ‘Cause she thinks that you’re, like, trying to step on her privilege or something. It’s like, just give me the fucking keys, Julie. You’re gonna die.
Dick: That’s gonna be Han Solo and Boba Fett. Cruising around the Galaxy, running into planets. (Asterios and Maddox crack up) Too fucking old to be in a movie.
Maddox: Their old Cadillac X-Wing.
Asterios: But just imagine, like…imagine, like…
Dick: (interjects) With the feelers on the side to knock on the asteroids. (Sean laughs)
Dick: With the little antennaes coming out the side of the wheels.
Asterios: Just imagine Han Solo behind the controls of the Falcon, going, like, “Pew, pew, come on, Chewie!” and then you look up and it’s, like, “Autopilot On”. (Sean and Maddox laugh) And it’s like, “Just let Dad think he’s driving!” (Maddox laughs) Yeah, you’re doing the Kessel Run, yeah! In under 12 parsecs!
Asterios: Yeah, Dad!!
Sean: He’s got the crocheted blanket over the back seat. (Asterios and Maddox laugh)
Asterios: He has a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror. (laughing)
Maddox: His libertarian newsletter. (cracks up)
Maddox: Alright, Dick. You got anything else?
Dick: You have anything you want to plug?
Asterios: Yeah, thank you, Dick. You can pick up my comics. The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man, or The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man Two. Go to http://www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2. I made these 12-page comics based on the assholes we meet in our twenties, so Mega Man has to fight Couch Surfing Man…Unnecessarily Complex High Fives Man. (Dick laughs)
Asterios: Vapes at Inappropriate Times Man.
Maddox: Movie theaters.
Dick: Oh, man. (grins)
Asterios: Yeah. Unsolicited Financial Advice Man.
Dick: Anytime! Well, don’t give away the whole book, here!
Asterios: Oh, you know what? You’re right! I guess I should stop here. But go to http://www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2. Print copies are finally out for the sequel. They’re only 5 bucks.
Maddox: Yeah! Great. Uh, yeah. That was teased a long time ago, and you could only buy digitally. Now it’s finally available in print. We’ll link to it on our website!
Asterios: Thank you!
Maddox: Thanks for coming by, Asterios!
Asterios: Thank you guys for having me!
Maddox: Always a pleasure. Oh, and thanks to Harry’s for supporting the show.
Sean: Eh, I’m gonna wait for the prequels. (they crack up)
Asterios: Goddamn it!
Maddox: Alright, guys. My problem this week was…
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Star Wars Merchandising.
Asterios: Star Wars Prequel Apologists!
Dick: Geriatric Action Heroes!
Asterios: See you next Tuesday!
Dick: I got a bunch of Japanese emperors. Do you guys want to pick the best one?
Dick: Like, six people called in claiming to be the Emperor of Japan.
Dick: I can stop ‘em whenever you want.
(Voice mail, male voice (terrible fake Japanese accent): “Hello, Maddox and Dick Mas-tuh-son. This is ze Emperor of Japanese-u people. (they laugh) Zis white people wearing ze kimonos is SHAMEFUL cultural appropriation, much like claiming you drive like the samurai!! You drive like ze ignorant asshole, Maddox! (they laugh) And Dick Mas-tuh-son. Fuck you-son.”)
Dick: Okay, that was pretty good. (grins)
Maddox: No, I drive like a samurai! Like, the samurai ethos exists outside of Japanese culture, guys!
Maddox: It’s a set of rules! It’s a set of conduct, right?
Asterios: The Bushido code.
Maddox: The Bushido code. Right!
Dick: I could imagine you doing that at 70.
(Voice mail, male voice (terrible fake Japanese accent): “Oh, herro, Dick and Maddox. (they laugh, Asterios groans) This is the Emperor of all Japanese people.”
Dick: Pretty good.
“This is how I talk.” (they crack up) “I was listening to your podcast.”
Asterios: Oh, God. (laughing)
“And I am very disappointed that there are soooooo many pussies getting offended. You see, in Japan, we ROOOOVE America. (they laugh) We are very happy that you love us, too. Why not commit more, though? Maybe buy stock in Japanese market.”)
Dick: Okay. I got two more.
Asterios: Alright, let’s keep goiiiiiiiiiing.
Maddox: Oh, my God. Yeah, let’s hear it! Sure.
(Voice mail, female voice (no accent): “Hey guys, this is the Prime Minister of Japan.”
(they crack up)
“I just happen to speak English and have the voice of a girl. So I heard that Dick wanted to hear my opinion about some dumbass Americans wearing kimonos.”
Dick: Pretty good.
“You really wanna know what I think? I don’t give a fucking shit, asshole. I have more…”
Dick: Okay, it goes on like this. (they laugh)
Maddox: What?! Well, you cut off the Emperor of Japan!!
Dick: Alright, alright, alright. Here, here, here.
Maddox: Very disrespectful.
“…important things to worry about. While you’re out at bars trying to get laid, all I need to do is snap my fingers and move on with my life, ‘cause I’m the Prime Minister of Japan.”
Maddox: Okay, we got it. (laughs)
“Go fuck yourself, you small-faced _____. (inaudible)”
Dick: That’s not what I’m trying to do at bars. I’m trying to get drunk.
Maddox: Trying? You show up that way, man.
Dick: Last one.
Maddox: You save a boatload.
(Voice mail, male voice (terrible Japanese accent): “Herro, Maddox-kun and Dicku-san. (Maddox laughs) This is the Emperor of ARR the Japanese people, and this is how I talk-u.”
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. (they crack up)
“…(inaudible while they laugh) I am a veeeeeeeryyyyyyy offended my wife Topegu is wearing her kimonos. They are a part of our curture. And when you wear a kimono, you are erasing are curtural identity!! Prease do not-a do it! You are surrying the great rrregacy of our peopre!!!! Thank you. And get raped-u.”) (they all laugh)
Asterios: I think that’s the best one!
Dick: That was the best one.
Maddox: That was…yeah, that was the most Mexican of Japanese emperors we’ve had call into the show. (laughs)
Dick: Alright, uh…I got one more. (Maddox snorts, giggles) No, I’m done with Japanese people.
Dick: I just wanted to end the show on a high note.
(Voice mail: tiny female voice: “Hey, I just wanted to thank you guys for doing the show every week. It’s one of the few things in my life right now that’s kinda keeping me going. I’ve been going through a lot of hard stuff lately, and…yeah. I guess that’s it. I just wanted to say thank you. And you’re hilarious, so please don’t stop. Fuck you, Dick!”)
(they all laugh)
Maddox: Very touching!! (laughs)