Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 81
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save five dollars off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Prison Shanks, to Robbed Banks! (Dick chuckles) With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy? (grins)
Maddox: Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: We have some more in-studio guests today, observing. We have Tyler and Randy! Welcome back, guys.
Dick: Hey, guys.
Maddox: Episode 81, guys.
Dick: You should change that to "the show where we discuss everything from politics to politics"! (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: How'd we do last week?
Maddox: Speaking of…
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe…last week, was Shitting Yourself After You Shower…Shitting After You Shower.
Dick: Having to Shit After You Shower.
Dick: That's a universal problem!
Dick: You've experienced it. We've all experienced it. The only man on Earth who hasn't experienced it is Donald Trump, I'm sure. (Maddox scoffs, laughs) 'Cause he's such a good manager.
Dick: He can manage his own sphincter and bowels.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. (disgusted) (Dick cackles) He's a…
Dick: (interjects) That's what we don't have in the administration, right now.
Maddox: He's an expert at expelling shit from his body. (Dick cackles loudly) For sure. For sure. That idiot…like, every week…(Dick continues to laugh) Every week there's something. (Dick sighs) The newest controversy with that dickhead…did you see him mocking that New York Times reporter?
Dick: Oh, stop, stop…oh, what. That's hilarious. You don't think mocking the handicapped is funny? Who am I talking to?!
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean giggles)
Dick: Please! I'll vote twice for that guy! I want him to come up in a wheelchair! (Maddox laughs) (handicapped person impression) "Hey everybody, I'm Donald Trump! I'm gonna give you a speech!"
Maddox: Oh, my God.
Dick: I'll vote, vote, vote, vote! (laughing)
Maddox: Well, you got me there, Dick. That is…
Maddox: That is by far…
Dick: Get the fuck outta here with that!
Maddox: …the most compelling…the most compelling argument I've heard for Trump.
Dick: That's…and that's the future!! That's gonna be the entire GOP after this election, they're all gonna be like Jackass, trying to one-up each other like that! Was he a problem? In the end, was he a problem at all? Did he clear zero?
Maddox: Yeah, he did clear zero, yeah.
Dick: Aaaaagh, dammit!!!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. He did. He did.
Maddox: He's definitely a problem, Dick. And…and I looked it up, so again, last episode…I talked about Trump and uh…and how he wanted to raise taxes on the rich. You said that was an article that CNN wrote for retards.
Dick: No, no, no. Wait a minute. (background giggles) You said that he wanted to r…(trails off, laughing) First of all, CNN writes everything for retards.
Dick: Yes, that's true. (Sean laughs) You said he wanted to raise taxes on the rich…
Dick: And I said his…his tax policy breakdown would definitively lower taxes on the rich, like, his highest tax bracket is much lower than what the rich pay right now.
Dick: By and large. He…he wants to close some loopholes, like, hedge fund managers and whatever. Realty stuff. But I'm…you know. What do you…what do you say? Don't close loopholes? I like that he's closing loopholes.
Maddox: Nah, I…I looked it up. I…I like those loopholes that he wants to close. Those are…popular loopholes that politicians have proposed closing for years.
Maddox: Uh…and then I looked at his tax bracket, and it would indeed lower taxes on the rich; however, it just sounds like doubletalk, because he's talked in the past about raising taxes on the rich and certain brackets of the rich, like, uh…you know, hedge fund managers and people who are in real estate, etc. But I looked it up, 'cause I know I'm not crazy.
Maddox: And back in 1999, he did propose the biggest tax hike in US history, ever.
Dick: He did?
Maddox: Oh, yeah!
Dick: Did he want to tax handicapped people?
Maddox: No…(laughs) (Dick guffaws) No, that wouldn't be that much. Vote down Paralysis.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Uh, here's…here's the quote. Here's what he said…
Dick: Oh, no, okay.
Maddox: Back in 1999. Listen to this.
(Sound clip: Donald Trump: "This would be a one-time tax. 14.25% against people with a net worth of over 10 million. 10 million dollars or more."
"It would pay off, in its entirety, the national debt of 5.7 trillion dollars. You'd save 200 billion dollars a year, so taxes for the middle class would go way down, so this would be very positive for everybody, including the rich, the 1% that really are paying the tax."
(Male voice: "In fact, by our estimates, you would pay somewhere in the neighborhood of 700 million dollars or more."
Dick: Oh, my God.
(Donald Trump: "That's correct."
Male voice: "I've never known Donald Trump to willingly give up 700 million dollars."
DT: I think it would be great for the country.")
Dick: All these numbers.
Dick: Gonna start jerking off again.
(DT: "I think it's a proposal that would be very strongly looked at and considered.")
Maddox: 700 million dollars tax! And so..um, I looked…I did some math, and I…I calculated what his…
Dick: (interjects) Your favorite thing to do. In bed. (Maddox laughing) You're doing math on some chick's back in her l…(Sean cracks up) you're like "OH I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING! Give me your lipstick while I'm banging you doggy style! I'm gonna do some equations on your back!! Aaaaaaaaahh!!" (Maddox giggles) That's how I imagine you do it.
Maddox: Here's a derivative on your back, baby. Um…no. so, I was doing some…I did some math, and I calculated his net worth at that time of that interview.
Maddox: And it was about 500 billion dollars. Or excuse me…
Dick: 500 billion?!
Maddox: Not 500. It was 5 billion dollars.
Dick: 5 billion dollars.
Maddox: So it was about 5 billion dollars at the time of that interview.
Maddox: And…so that…he would be paying close to…(stammers) like you said, 15%. 700 million dollars. And then the guy followed up the question, he said, "Well, a lot of multimillionaires and billionaires don't have a lot of cash reserves."
Maddox: "They have those in assets. How would you propose they pay that tax?" and he said…Donald Trump's answer was…what? What do you think?
Dick: Uh…I don't know.
Maddox: Selling off assets!!
Maddox: He…(laughs) expects people to sell their property to pay a tax!!
Dick: I don't know that any of this is true, though, 'cause that Muslim ID badge shit wasn't true. You looked that up, right?
Maddox: I looked it up. He said…
Dick: (interjects) Like, he definitely said…
Maddox: He said he denied it. Yeah.
Dick: He did not say…did you l…did you watch the video of that guy sandbagging him?
Maddox: I watched the…the video, and it did look like the…the reporter was trying to get him with a "gotcha".
Dick: Isn't that kind of shameful though, you think? Like, that that's what our journalism is? Let's generate a headline by, like, sandbagging a g…you can…you can, like, not be political and think that that's kind of a shameful way for journalists to act.
Maddox: Absolutely. 'Cause they're always looking for those "gotcha" moments. Um…
Dick: Eh, it sucks!
Maddox: No, but uh…
Dick: (interjects) And then everybody gets all pissed off. Like, everybody gets all divisive and draws their party lines over something that nobody even said! It sucks.
Maddox: But…but then, but then, um, the follow-up questions, like, when…when…I don't…I don't know if Trump was fully aware of the questions that were being asked of him.
Dick: No. Absolutely not.
Maddox: Um…but he…he…when he was asked where we should get this registry, he sai…
Maddox: You know, the reporter suggested mosques, or someplace? And he goes, "Yeah, we should look at everything."
Dick: Well, look at everything. (Maddox giggles) What's wrong with that?
Maddox: (giggles) But then, but then…
Dick: (interjects) Let's look at these handicapped people! What are they doing!?
Maddox: Here's what was telling about Trump, though. It took him TWO days for him to denounce the idea that he would even be behind a national Muslim registry.
Dick: Yeah. I know what you mean. Somebody on 4Chan, after you posted the Donald Trump episode, of course, poll…/poll….huge Donald Trump hotbed of support.
Maddox: Yeah. Of course.
Dick: Right. On 4Chan. Somebody on one of those threads called me a fairy. I was in there 10 seconds later, denouncing that. How the fuck am I a fairy?! (Maddox laughs) On this thread?! The guy said I performed at UCB and that's basically like taking a cock up the ass. (Sean giggles) And it was, like, well, I mean, alright…
Maddox: I mean, you can't…
Maddox: You can't deny that.
Dick: Yeah. (giggles) I can't deny that.
Maddox: Hey! We got a package from our beautiful, lovely, talented transcriber, Laurie Foster. Laurie sent us a very special gift, Dick. (grins)
Dick: Oh. Cool.
Maddox: Um. I'm…I'm holding here a little jar. And it has on it a drawing of the White House. It looks like a White House on it.
Dick: It looks like a child drew it.
Maddox: And inside it…
Dick: Did a ch…did Laurie draw that, or did a 6-year-old draw that?
Maddox: This is definitely F work, at best. (Dick giggles) At best. Um…and then she…
Dick: It does, doesn't it?
Maddox: She attached a note…yeah. It looks…she attached a note here, that says, "This was the smallest government I could find. Hope it's okay." (Dick cracks up) And inside it…are a bunch of little politicians…we have here…
Dick: Oh. What do we got here?
Maddox: We have here a bunch of little politician action figures.
Dick: James Buchanan.
Dick: Alright. Started the Civil War, did he? Is that right?
Maddox: Uh-huh. We h…(giggles)
Sean: Bucha…well, Lincoln was in office.
Dick: Yeaaaaah. He ended it, buddy.
Maddox: We have…
Sean: (interjects) He was…he star…he was in for the start!
Dick: (laughs) Oh, he was in right before Lincoln?
Sean: Yeah. The South seceded. I can't remember which state.
Dick: Oh, that's right.
Sean: But yeah, he was elected in 1860.
Dick: James Tyler.
Maddox: Ah, we got…
Dick: 30 days…
Maddox: We got Harrison
Maddox: We got Taft. We got all the…we got all the classic presidents. (giggles)
Maddox: In this little…little White House. It's a very small government, Dick. You should…you should love this.
Dick: I love it.
Maddox: John Adams. There you go…we got the wh…we got all the governments in there.
Dick: How many of these people made fun of the handicapped? That's who I…that's what I want to know.
Maddox: Dick, uh…is that a small enough government for you? Or is that…is that not small enough?
Dick: No. It's getting better.
Maddox: Is it…yeah? That's…
Dick: Yeah. I like a government that I can, uh…hold hostage with a magnifying glass.
(Sound clip: Rand Paul: "I want a government so small you can barely see it.")
Dick: Stop with the politics! (Maddox chuckles) Alright, here's some voice mail.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, uh…big fan of your show. And Dick…you're such a fucking idiot. I've never heard of such a huge IDIOT…"
(Sean and Dick laugh)
"…in my life. I can't believe it. Really, it's…"
Dick: Why? Because of my pooping?
"You talk about global warming, and you're like…"
"…and you're like, 'Yeah, we need shorter shorts.', yeah, well, fucking die from flooding."
Dick: Yeah, we do!! (they all laugh) Die from flooding?! (Maddox laughs)
"It's not a joke. Everything…"
Sean: Easier to wait around in!! (Dick laughs)
"I…I c…I'm overwhelmed. You talk about Donald Trump like it's…oh. You know, whatever, yeah, man. He's just speaking his mind. NO! It's all…bullshit. I can't believe it. I…(stammers) I'm speechless."
Dick: Well, you got stumped! That's why.
"Are Americans all like this?"
Dick: That's why. (Maddox chuckles) That's a…
Dick: Evidence of a stumping.
"Fuck you.") (they laugh)
Sean: He didn't sound speechless.
Dick: We're gonna…we're gonna die in flooding, 'cause of global warming? Is that the…is that the word now?
Maddox: No, no. He…he wants you…
Dick: It's gonna come like a tidal wave?!
Maddox: (giggles) He wants you to die from flooding. (Dick laughs) Different.
Dick: Oh, is that…is that what he said?
Maddox: Yeah. He can…he wants you…
Dick: I thought he was saying we were gonna die from flooding because of global warming.
Maddox: No, no, no. He said..
Dick: (interjects) Which I would be…which, like, that would be…we'd all be caught with our pants down, pretty much. You'd have millions of people caught with their pants down if global warming…
Dick: Killed us with tidal waves.
Maddox: Yeah. It'd be hilarious.
Dick: (laughing) Yeah.
Maddox: No, but he was saying, "Die from flooding." And he didn't suggest that it would be because of global warming.
Maddox: But he's just saying, like, in general, he wants you to die from a flood.
Dick: Oh, okay. Uh, let's see. I got another one here.
(Voice mail: male voice: "All right. Dick, what kind of stupid pooping in the shower bullshit is this?"
Dick: (giggles) It's a problem.
"Like, haven't you ever heard about, you know, maybe holding it for two seconds?")
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's a lot…(giggles) a lot of your problems, Dick…(Dick giggles) is like, uh…you know. I…I forgot…
Maddox: On…yeah, no. Um…one of 'em was "I forgot my fly down", or something. What was it?
Dick: Yeah. Leaving your fly down.
Maddox: What was it? Leaving your fly down.
Dick: That's a good problem.
Maddox: Like, the solution is, like…don't.
Dick: Be vigilant all the time. Never screw up. That's the solution?
Maddox: It's…(giggles) It's…it's a problem that has no repercussions.
Dick: Leaving your fly down?!
Dick: That's embarrassing. What's a…what's a bigger repercussion than you personally being embarrassed?
Sean: Well, he did it on stage.
Dick: You did? Maddox, you did?
Maddox: Yeah, remember? I talked about it?
Dick: Oh, yeah. I remember.
Maddox: Yeah. The…the improv show I did, yeah.
Dick: Alright. I got…I got two more…two more about the refugees, and then I'm done. Then I got a song from Wauterboi.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Dick. The last time we turned away refugees, they all died in the fucking Holocaust. (Dick giggles)"
"How about you show some fucking compassion?"
Maddox: Yeah, Dick.
Dick: I got lit up. I dunno if I can play one…are these downers?
Maddox: You, uh…you…you said…one of your arguments last episode was that…
Maddox: That…not everyone's entitled to be an American.
Maddox: Right. But what makes you entitled to be an American?
Dick: I was born here.
Maddox: But…that doesn't mean anything. You're…
Dick: Well, legally.
Maddox: Just because your parents arbitrarily fucked on this piece of dirt…
Dick: Yeah, that's…(giggles)
Maddox: Doesn't give you any…like, what did you do personally to earn the right to be here?
Dick: No, it literally does. It literally makes me…an American. Nothing else does.
Maddox: No, I know. I know, but…legally. But I'm saying, like, what difference does it make…
Dick: (interjects) It's like having a dick makes me entitled to be a man. That's it. Like, I'm an American. I was born here.
Maddox: I think that…I think the case could be made that…the more you do for the country, the more entitled you are to be a part of that country.
Dick: Well. Okay. Uh, well…I've got…(Sean laughs) I'll just play this song for you. (laughing)
Maddox: Alright. Moving on.
Dick: This is from Gr…this is from Grant Mooney. (laughing) You're gonna like this one! St…don't…don't throw a fit as soon as you hear it!
Maddox: Oh, it's gonna be bullshit.
Dick: 'Cause I think you're gonna like it.
Sean: Why are you doing this?!
(Clip starts, Titanic song is playing…)
(Maddox and Dick laugh)
Dick: I'm playing it for Trump.
Maddox: It's bullshit already!!
Dick: I promise you'll like it.
"Penn Jillette's an asssssshoooole…."
"He can go fuuuuuck himself."
"His TV show sucks and…"
(they crack up)
"…he deserrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrves it…."
Maddox: Ahh. Beautiful song.
"He….should…get launched into spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace." (they crack up)
"Teller, you can go on and….go on and….go fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yourself.")
Dick: Aww, there you go.
Maddox: Aww. Beautiful song. (laughing) Beautiful song, and a nice gesture for a man who apologized. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. That's…NEVER apologize! That's when people start piling ON!!!
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Uh, I still hate that song, but that is the best version of that song I've ever heard.
Dick: Alright. You wanna do some…you wanna get right into the problems? Randy's here. Randy's being very strict about making us do four problems today. Is that right, Randy? You said there's…you said…and I quote, "You dumb fucks have been jerking yourselves off, reading comments, flattering comments about yourselves instead of giving people what they want, which is problems." Is that true or false? Giving me the thumbs up like that's true.
Dick: Okay. You want me to go first?
Maddox: Go for it.
Dick: Alright. I got a r…I got a real big problem. Way bigger than having to shit after you've showered.
Maddox: Oh, so, anything. (they all laugh)
Dick: Yes. Um…has this ever happened to you? Someone is…you're meeting up with someone and they say, uh…you say, "Oh, oh great. Where are we meeting? When are we meeting? Where are we meeting?" "Oh, it's uh…uh, you know Bar One, in North Hollywood." "Great. I'm gonna…I'm gonna hang up." That's what I'm thinking in my head. Great, you've told me the location. Now, I'm gonna hang up and look for the directions, and here's when the problem starts. They say, "Oh, yeah. This is how you get there. You're coming from Hollywood? What you wanna do is get on the 101…" and I start plugging my ears, because I do not wanna hear…
Dick: The human driving directions they're giving me.
Dick: That's it! The conver…the transaction is…is done. I don't wanna hear…I don't wanna hear your specific version of how to get there on the ro…like, do you not…do these people not have…uh, Google Maps, Ways, Yahoo Maps? Mapquest? Did they stop using the Internet in, like, 1998? When…when these things…when COMPUTERS took over the ability to give driving directions?
Maddox: Yeah. How old was this person you were talking to?
Dick: Well, I'm gonna get to this. I got a good story about my life coach and I…um, screwing up. Well, we went to shoot guns. We had a…we had a gun weekend all planned out.
Dick: Like, we were pretending to…
Maddox: (interjects) Sounds romantic.
Dick: Yeah. We were both pretending to be Sarah Conner.
Dick: We were gonna go out in the desert and we were gonna shoot a shitload of guns, like, distance shooting. You know?
Dick: Like, sniper stuff. (grins) Right?
Dick: Like, we were gonna be, like, "Oh, man. We're gonna, like, start training for the apocalypse." Right?
Maddox: Right, right.
Dick: We go…we had, like, 20 people. Going. Like, this whole…
Maddox: (interjects) The zombie apocalypse.
Dick: Planning for…or any kind of apocalypse. Maybe a libertarian apocalypse, actually.
Dick: Libertarians finally rise up!
Maddox: All you need is a magnifying glass. (laughs)
Dick: So we have this…we've planned this. We never plan anything. Like, a lot of times, we just show up at a place.
Dick: And we don't even know how we got there, 'cause we don't even plan where we're going.
Dick: We've been planning this trip….we'd been planning this trip last weekend for, like, three weeks. Like, texting each other about it. "Hey, what kind of guns…what kind of guns do you want to shoot?" Like, what kind of guns is everybody else bringing? (conspiratorial) Like, "Oh, check this out, somebody's bringing a .50 caliber rifle." Like, "Ooooh!" We're emailing this woman who's putting it together. The real Sarah Conner. We're emailing, like, "Hey is it okay to bring, you know. Questionable guns?" Quote unquote illegal guns?
Maddox: Okay, yeah. (sighs)
Dick: And she was like, "Don't worry, there will be tons there." There will be tons of cops there, and they'll have the most "illegalest" of guns. So we're like…"Oh, my God!"
Maddox: So the cops…the cops just, like, confiscate, uh…exotic weapons and stuff, and then they bring them to shooting ranges and fuck around with them, right?
Dick: Oh, they totally do!
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Dick: That's…yeah, that's absolutely a real thing.
Dick: So…my life coach and I, we get so excited, the week before, we go to…we go to zero in our AR-15s. Right? So they're more accurate.
Dick: As if the gun is the issue.
Dick: And not the two dummies who've maybe put 200 rounds through it, right?
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: We're going to the firing range, and my buddy's like, "Hey, can you Google how to zero in an AR-15 on the way there, so when we get there, we can get out our micrometers and our allen wrenches and, like, fix the iron sights on an AR-15." Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We got it. We get there…we do a little pre…a little pre game, right? For the next week.
Dick: So, you know…you understand what's hap…
Maddox: You've been drinking for a week, yes.
Dick: We're very…we're very excited.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay. (giggles)
Dick: We're…(stammers) I'm…I sent a girl home the night before we're going on this shooting trip, because I'm, like, "Baby, I have so much stuff to do. I've gotta set out all the bullets." (Maddox chuckles) I've gotta set out my hunting…my shooting clothes. I've got a shirt with ann…a bald…a bald eagle on it, with the sleeves torn off.
Maddox: Yeah. Sure. (background laughter)
Dick: That I got at…(laughs) that I got at Wal-Mart. I'm like, "I got all this stuff I gotta prepare for! I can't have you here, queering up my brain with your feminine wiles." Right? Get outta here.
Maddox: Minutes. Minutes of work you have to do!! (Dick laughs) You have to take 'em out of the closet!
Dick: Maddox! I gotta…(Maddox laughs) I've never PLANNED for something on this scale before! This is like a wedding for me…like, I've never planned for anything before! What?
Sean: Now would you finish cooking the chili and get the fuck out of here?! (they laugh)
Dick: So I'm…I'm texting my life coach. And we're…we're IMing all night. We're up until like 3 in the morning.
Dick: …"Oh, we gotta get bullets. We've gotta get…we gotta get some .38 special…we gotta get a box of .38 special rounds. I wanna see how accurate my Magnum is at 100 yards. How accurate do you think you're gonna be? Do you think you could hit a target at 300 yards? Blablablabla."
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. You guys are…you guys are, like, turning this into some, like, chick session. Like, girls who…who don't plan this much for baby showers!!
Dick: We were giddy!! We were giddy with excitement! (Maddox laughs) About going shooting! Right!?
Sean: They're out there shooting at sand.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) (Dick scoffs) Hey!! (laughing) Careful what you shoot at! Hey…sounds like you guys were about to shoot some loads out there. Jesus.
Dick: Oh, God. Yeah. We were shooting loads at the t…we're sending…we're texting each other until, like, 3…sending each other Trump videos, you know, getting really…(laughing)
Maddox: Uh…yeah. (laughs) And if any listeners wanna know where the shooting range is, follow the drizzle of cum from…(laughing) from Dick's apartment. (background laughter)
Sean: It's like the worst Hansel and Gretel episode ever.
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)
Dick: So I look at the email of where this place is.
Dick: And it looks way out in the sticks, right?
Dick: So I'm going…"Um…I don't think my sports car with the Persian racing rims (Maddox snorts) can make it out in the sticks, right?
Dick: It's got a low clearance.
Dick: Sports car.
Dick: It's meant to drop panties. It's not meant for offroading. (Maddox laughs) Right?
Maddox: Okay. (grins)
Dick: Or…or boxers. Whatever.
Dick: You know, whichever way…you swing.
Maddox: That's fair.
Dick: So…life coach goes, "Oh, just look at…read the email. Read the whole email." Something I never do. So I read the email and it says…"Here's the place. If you have an SUV, get off the freeway, make an…hook an immediate left."
Dick: Right? And you can take a shortcut, 'cause it's a dirt road.
Dick: But…if you drive a regular car…keep going straight. You gotta do…it takes you a little longer, but you'll get there. Right?
Dick: So I'm like OH!!! OH. GREAT. Perfect. Right? No…no reason to worry at all.
Maddox: You're thinking you have the regular car instructions, so you should be able to get there just fine.
Dick: Yep. The computer….the map says, "Hey Dick, you might wanna check this out. 'Cause it looks…it looks like it's out in the sticks. This might be a problem for you."
Dick: Here comes the human. Comes along. "Hey…no problem." Right?
Dick: No problem. So I'm like, "We're good to go." Alright?
Maddox: Alright. (giggles)
Dick: I'm up early. Earlier than I've ever been in my life. I tool over to life coach's house. Pick him up. We look…we look at all of our guns. We talk about which one are our favorites. We load 'em in the trunk. We got two coolers. We got a cooler of sausages and beer for the trunk. We got a cooler of road sodas for the car. Right?
Maddox: Lots of sausages in this car.
Dick: Yeah. And beer.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: We find…we stop at an ammo store.
Dick: We pull in, like, $250 of ammo. Most…a lot for that day of shooting, but then some for personal consumption. Right?
Dick: Like, some…some for us.
Dick: Some for our stashes.
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: We're flirting with…there's a girl behind the counter there.
Dick: We're talking to her…we're being real…real cool, right?
Dick: Real cool. Load up on some burritos. Head out into the desert. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Right? We're playing the end of Terminator 2, I'm humming it in my head as we're going out. Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun. Like, going down to Corona, you know?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Oh, my God. Okay. So we get off…we get off the freeway. Sure enough, there's the exit on the left. Dirt road. Look at this dirt road. Look at these chumps with their SUV. Would be nice to have an SUV and take this shortcut, right?
Dick: But we don't. We're in a regular car, like the girl said. Go about 50 more yards. Big sign. "End of Road".
Dick: There in front of us…is another…exactly the same, identical, dirt road.
Dick: So we're fucked!
Dick: So that's the end…that's the end of our shooting trip! That's the end of three weeks of planning! Is two dirt roads that look like they've been beat up with a sledgehammer by Paul Bunyan. (Maddox giggles) And me, with my Persian Racing Rims, and about…fff…I don't know. $2,000 of guns in the back seat, with my Trump hat on, and my torn-off sleeves of my bald eagle shirt, looking like a jackass, saying, "Well, so much for that! Thanks for the human driving directions! Thanks for weighing in!! Thanks for…thanks for remi…telling us that we COULD go offroading one way, but instead, if we would like, we could take the long way, which is…JUST as much offroading as the first way!! But you could try to do it in a car.
Maddox: So did you not go? Did you actually just turn around?
Dick: No, we sat there…uh, we called everybody.
Dick: To come pick us up, right?
Maddox: Ohhhhh, okay.
Dick: Drive down the two miles to come pick us up.
Dick: Nobody's answering their phone…
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: 'Cause they're having too much fun shooting guns.
Maddox: And there's no service up in the hills.
Dick: No, there's service. They're just having too much fun.
Dick: They've abandoned all of their devices.
Dick: Their clothes, probably.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: They're no…never thinking about work again. They're never coming home. It's like Neverland.
Maddox: It's like a y…a very violent yoga retreat.
Maddox: Where you don't have electronics on you, you're not bothered by anything.
Maddox: You just want to…zo….you want to have a very zen, violent moment.
Dick: So we're sitting there, you know, feeling like losers.
Dick: With a trunkload of guns.
Dick: I'm trying to convince my life coach to put in more…like, dude…send…e-mail everybody, e-mail everyone in the universe to come pick us up, right?
Maddox: Right. (giggles)
Dick: So I see two Mexican dudes across the street in an old pickup truck.
Dick: And I'm like, "I know what to do." (Maddox chuckles) I know what to do here. So I get out, I'm like, "Here, here, here. I'm gonna fix this." So I pop off my Trump hat, throw it in the trunk, like, they don't wanna see that.
Maddox: No. (giggles)
Dick: Hostages, the Mexican guys?
Sean: Yeah, this is what's gonna happen.
Dick: No, no, no, no, no.
Sean: Oh, damn.
Dick: So I walk up to them, I'm like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, senores." Hey, Que paso? Que paso, right?
Dick: Que paso? What's going on? What's going on? Nice truck. Um…tr…(stammers) I'm gonna get a ride from these guys.
Dick: Right? Uh…so I get to…I get to, um…mi amigo yo are looking for the…pis…looking to use our pistolas, right?
Maddox: (giggles) Okay.
Dick: You guys? Pistolas? They're like "Uuhhhhhhhhh, nonononono, not us. Not us."
Maddox: It sounds…it sounds scary. To be fair. A bunch of strangers come up to you on the freeway. "Hey, I got a trunk full of pistols, can you give me a ride?" (laughing) "No! Fuck off! I'm calling the police."
Dick: Well…(stammers) it's an easy 40 bucks. Just gotta drive up the road.
Maddox: (chuckles) Just take me and all my contraband back here. Take me and all my…my arms up the hill, and uh…you got an easy 40 dollars! What?!
Dick: Yeah. Would you do it? I would!
Maddox: No, absolutely not.
Dick: Oh, well.
Maddox: Yeah. Did you…so did they?
Maddox: Of course not! (scoffs)
Dick: They said their truck couldn't take it.
Dick: Said the suspension was bad. It's like, "Oh, really?"
Maddox: That's what I would say, too.
Dick: You're…you're the only two Mexican guys on the planet worried about the suspension of their 80's Toyota, fuck you!! (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Yeah, so you ended up not going? What happened? Eventually one of your friends came down to pick you up?
Dick: No, we just left.
Maddox: You just left?!
Dick: Yeah. We just drove home with our tails between our legs.
Maddox: You didn't do it?!
Dick: No, what are we gonna do?!
Maddox: It's two miles!
Sean: It's two miles!
Dick: With…with…100 pounds of guns on our backs?!
Sean: Don't take 'em all!!
Maddox: Yeah. Leave behind a couple!
Dick: Oh, don't take 'em ALL?! What's even the point, then!? (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah…just take…take your AR-15 and a couple clips, and I'm sure they have ammo up there.
Dick: This is…you're describing a scenario of how people get killed. Like, this is how a drone attack happens.
Maddox: Yeah, if you're…if you're…
Dick: (interjects) "We spotted two assholes wondering around a neighborhood in the desert with, uh…Duke Nukem's arsenal strapped to their backs."
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: Take them out.
Maddox: If you…(stammers) you're not black, so you don't have to worry about getting accosted by police officers for carrying a gun around. You guys are all Second Amendment nuts and they…they just come by…
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: They're like, "Hey, what's going on over here?" "Just uh…Second Amendment, sir." "Alright, carry on."
Maddox: (giggles) And then the black dude does it…
Dick: It's true. It's a good point.
Maddox: There's a video on YouTube. A black dude does this…it's in, uh…Phoenix. Exact same demonstration. Police come, like, four, five different cop cars come, guns drawn, "Get on the ground!" "Get on the ground!" Putting guns in his face, and then they find out, "Oh, he's a Second Amendment dude". And then they let him up. But…
Maddox: Total…total exact same situation.
Dick: Human Driving Directions.
Dick: Leave it up to the computers. I never wanna get directions from a human being ever in my life ever again, don't ever give them.
Maddox: Well, had…had…had the…had you followed the computer, you would've gone down the SUV route and been fucked just as well.
Dick: Yeah, but it would have been dirt! I would have known it was dirt. The computer would say, "You can't drive your car here. Get a better car."
Maddox: So you…thought…
Sean: Yeah, but not all…not all dirt roads are super hilly, or you know, jagged, or whatev…
Dick: Oh, I wouldn't even have risked my car on any kind of dirt road.
Sean: Oh, really?
Dick: Those tires are, like, 800 dollars!
Dick: I don't even pull over to the side of the road. I just stop right in the middle of the road if I'm experiencing a problem. (background laughter) That's how protective I am of my tires.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. (giggles) Rain-slick Dick over here. (Dick giggles) Real protective.
Dick: I'll take up two lanes, in fact, so that people have to go way around me.
Dick: That's my problem.
Maddox: Yeah, um…usually, I found that the only people who still gave MapQuest directions were girls that I dated. Um…uh, over the age of 25.
Maddox: For some reason, 25 is the cut-off point between the MapQuest generation and then the post-MapQuest generation.
Dick: Yeah, I agree with you.
Maddox: So, pre-MapQuest…pre-MapQuest generation is, uh…excuse me. Post-MapQuest generation is anyone younger than 25. And then post 25, you'll still find people who occasionally use MapQuest! The shittiest map service. Prints out ads on the map, and then…they have all these, like, paper printouts, I'm like, "You have a phone! You have a smartphone! It has GPS on it!"
Dick: Yeah, but there's…there is something comforting about those MapQuest printouts. You know? It's like a nostalgia factor.
Maddox: I hate them so much. They're just…
Sean: What about landmark directions?
Dick: NO!! No human directions, ever! I don't want any help or hints on how to get there!
Sean: No, if…like if it were Maddox, it would be, like, "Okay, pass the rusty Schwinn chained to the mailbox, and then third bike rack on your left."
Maddox: Fucking Sean.
Sean: And then you're there.
Maddox: Shitty. Real shitty, Sean.
Dick: Alright, go ahead. That's my problem.
Maddox: Alright, Dick. That's your problem? Alright. Time to get to a real problem, Dick. Superhero Obsessions!
Maddox: Alright? Superhero Obsess…oh, that's a real fucking problem.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect: Applause)
Maddox: Oh, thank you. Right. So, Dick. I was looking into this. And I wondered why…it just seems like everything is fucking superhero all the time now. Um, so…you guys, we…we talked about this a little bit before the show, but, uh…before we started recording, but there's this new show on…I don't even know what channel. Is it on Netflix? It's…it's, uh, Jessica Jones.
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: All I've heard for the last, I don't know. Three, four weeks on Facebook and Twitter. "Oh my God, Jessica Jones is so good." "Oh, Jessica Jones is the best superhero TV show I've ever seen."
Dick: That's a superhero?
Maddox: It's a superhero.
Dick: Sounds like just a talk show host. (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah! J…like Jenny Jones.
Dick: Jenny Jones. Yeah.
Dick: Or a weight loss program.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, she doesn't need to lose weight. She's played by, uh…what's her name, Kristina Ritter?
Dick: They all need to lose weight.
Dick: Come on.
Maddox: Fucked. She's played by Kristina Ritter. So, Kristina Ritter…she was…uh, she was, uh…what's his name's girlfriend in Breaking Bad for a little…for a hot minute. Who…
Dick: Oh, Pinkman?
Dick: That drugged out…
Maddox: Pinkman's girlfriend. Yeah.
Sean: Yeah, she died of a heroin overdose.
Dick: Oh, yeah. She was hot.
Maddox: She was hot, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway. She's Jessica Jones.
Maddox: So, I heard so much fucking hype about this show, I finally decided, you know what? I'm gonna sit down and I'm gonna watch some fucking Jessica Jones, because I plug my ears and hold my nose every time another one of these things come up, (goofy voice) "Oh, you gotta watch Daredevil. It's the best superhero TV show since Marvel's…ever made. And so I…I plugged my ears and held my nose and I ignored that shit, and it fucking went away, thank God!
Maddox: This Jessica Jones shit seemed like…a juggernaut. Like, there was no stopping the momentum of this fucking show! So I watched three episodes, back to back. Three episodes. I binge watched three episodes. And…I'm so fucking bored. I am so bored. The cha….there's nobody likeable in this whole universe.
Dick: What is it…what kind of superhero is this?
Maddox: Ohh. She's a superhero. She has super strength, and she, like, jumps really high, and then she can run fast.
Sean: But she drinks, like a fish, Dick.
Dick: Oh, really?!
Sean: Oh yeah.
Maddox: She does, yeah.
Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! (interested) Really.
Sean: No, she's belting it down all the time.
Dick: Does she knock people out when she's drunk, and jump over shit? That's what I would do.
Maddox: She has a lot of drunken sex. There's that.
Dick: I don't…
Maddox: She hooks up…so, anyway. Her…her backstory is, she went to the same high school as Peter Parker, so she was in the same high school as Spider-Man, and you know, came from that universe. And…she has these superheroes, but she kinda keeps them subdued. She…she becomes a private investigator.
Dick: Oh, God, okay.
Maddox: Yeah. And it just becomes a slow…
Dick: What is the point of this show? Why is anyone watching it?
Maddox: 'C…cause…I don't know. Everyone's raving about Jessica Jones, so I watched it.
Maddox: And she is so unlikeable. Everything she says is sarcastic. Have you ever been around one of these fuckers?
Dick: Oh, a sarcastic woman?
Maddox: A sarcastic a…like, someone who can't not be sarcastic.
Sean: Yeah, weekly.
Maddox: Who's just…(cracks up) (Dick giggles)
Dick: Yeah, it's a nightmare.
Maddox: Shut up, Sean. And I mean that sincerely. (background laughter) Uhh…but I've been around my friend's, like, 17-year-old daughters and 14-year-old kids, and stuff.
Dick: Ugh. How long…(Maddox laughs) Tell me about this daughter you were around.
Maddox: And…and it seems like…
Dick: What was her dad like?
Maddox: It seems like…(Dick cracks up) Wasn't in the picture, Dick. Your perfect girl.
Dick: Ohoho. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Um…seems like this is, like…
Dick: See you in six months.
Maddox: The…the most…the most standard operating procedure for these kids is to be sarcastic. And all she does throughout this entire series is roll her eyes. (Dick scoffs) And by…she rolls her eyes and then says some sarcastic fucking quip. Why can't she be sincere just once!? Deliver one sincere line!?
Dick: Is there a bad guy, a guy like you? (laughing) Just flipping out over her quips and eye rolls!? (Maddox cracks up) That'd be a good super power!
Maddox: Her bad guys are…
Dick: (interjects) Like, he takes on…
Maddox: Yeah. Her curmudgeonly Armenian neighbor.
Dick: Yeah. (they all laugh) Who's, like, a villain. And all of his…all of his world domination schemes get blown 'cause she, like, annoys him. (Maddox laughing) He's, like, in there giving a speech to the UN, like, "I want 100 million dollars and all the Syrian refugees." And then he can't stop thinking about, like, what she said next door, like, "That bitch. I…I know she stole my mail."
Maddox: (sighs) She's so annoying. She's so annoying. So anyway, by the end of the third episode…it has kind of an interesting supervillain. The supervillain's pow…it's this guy named Dr. Purple or Mr. Purple or…and his whole thing is he wears purple. And so, uh…he…(giggles)
Dick: Does not sound interesting. (giggles)
Maddox: He has the power of manipulation. Which a lot of people are saying…
Dick: It is you!!!
Maddox: Ye…fuck you.
Dick: Okay. (cracks up)
Maddox: He has the power of manipulation, so he's able to…to…control people and make them do things they don't want to do. And then there's, like, some rapey undertones. In fact, I think she gets raped at some point by this…
Dick: (interjects) I mean, what else would you do if you had that power?
Maddox: Mr. Purple. I…I don't know. Not that, you sick fuck. Like, maybe rob a bank. Anyway, yeah. So…so Mr. Purple. Um…so, he has this power that he manipulates people, and it's like…
Dick: (interjects) Okay,wait a minute. Can I say real quick?
Dick: I wanna hear about what you think about superhero worship, not this shitty show.
Maddox: Oh, we're getting to it. Yeah.
Dick: Like, I don't…I mean…(stammers) I'm not gonna watch the show.
Maddox: Oh, it's awful. Um…you know what? It's not awful. It's just boring. Uh…I'll just say that. It's not the worst thing I've ever seen, but it's definitely boring. So, um…this guy…he has the power of manipulation. And everyone's like, "Oh, I've never seen a superher…a supervillain with that power. It's so clever. It's so creative." You know what, guys? It's fucking done a billion times. In Leprechaun…(background laughter) Leprechaun in the Hood…
Dick: Yep. Yeah…
Sean: That's where he goes. Leprechaun. (everyone cracks up)
Dick: That's where it's…obvious. It's been done before. Remember Leprechaun 4? In the Hood? (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Leprech…(cracks up) Yeah, Leprechaun in the Hood!
Maddox: That movie. Like, he manipulates people…
Dick: Remember that one episode in the third season of Street Sharks, everyone!? (Maddox laughs) Everyone knows it's been done before!
Maddox: It's been done, guys. They ripped it off from Leprechaun in the Hood. So…(laughing) the leprechaun is able to manipulate people with his magic. His magic mind, right? Anyway. So, Mr. Purple does the same thing. Kind of interesting. The end of the first episode is interesting, and it's all been downhill from there. And then there was, like, a couple of hot chicks making out at one point.
Dick: Ohhhhhhh. (sexy)
Maddox: And that's…and then that's it. Like, it only happened, like, for a split second. You don't see any boob.
Dick: Oh. (disappointed)
Maddox: And then…by the end of the third episode, you finally find out what the bad guy's weakness it. So imagine…
Dick: (interjects) Getting kicked in the nuts.
Maddox: No. (background laughter) Well, that…maybe. We won't know, 'cause they never fucking hang out together in the same scene. So, um…by the end of the third episode. Think about this in terms of movies, right? If this was a movie, it would be a three-hour-long movie.
Maddox: Imagine watching a three-hour-long movie where nothing is resolved and you only find out that there's a bad guy who has a weakness by the end of the third hour.
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Dick: I could watch Ooga Booga twice in that time. (they all laugh)
Maddox: (sighs) We're talking about different kinds of bullshit right now.
Dick: So what about superhero obsession? I know a guy, no bullshit…I know a guy who dressed up like Batman at his own wedding. How's that for superhero obsession?
Maddox: Do I know him?
Maddox: Yeah, I would have been at this wedding otherwise. Um, yeah…
Dick: As what, Robin? (cracks up) Or Mr. Freeze?
(Sound effect: Ba-dum-ching cymbal)
Maddox: Funny jokes. Keep the…keep the jokes coming, guys. I'm loving these jokes. (Dick laughs) They're great. These are great…great jokes. Um, so, superhero obsession. I looked into it and I looked around online, and there's some theories as to why there's so much superhero media right now.
Maddox: So there's a theory that after 9/11, Americans have taken to superhero movies, because it offers us an escapist fantasy of mythological beings who are able to tackle problems larger than ourselves. So I think that, um…something has changed in our culture and society…
Sean: (interjects) I thought that's what God was for.
Dick: God's not powerful enough.
Maddox: I mean…
Dick: God can't jump that high and get that drunk. (Sean laughs) God doesn't have cool gadgets, like a Godarang that he shoots bad guys with? (laughs)
Maddox: Well, it's interesting you mention that, Sean, because this is…
Dick: (interjects) God's on their side too!!! Sorry for interrupting.
Maddox: These…these superheroes are exactly like an analogue to the old Greek mythological gods. So all…the old Greek mythological gods were essentially superheroes. Neptune, Apollo……
Dick and Maddox: Hercules. (they both crack up)
Dick: So you're saying terrorists caused this!?!?!?! (yells)
Maddox: Ahh. Yeah.
Dick: The reason there's all this…all these shitty Marvel movies is because of terrorists?!!?!?
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Dick: Go vote up terrorists, you motherfuckers! (yelling)
Maddox: So I looked it up. I looked it up, and uh…I was…I was curious if there's any…weight to this theory. And I looked on…I looked at all the superhero movies released since, like, the beginning of time, according to Wikipedia. And there were…in the 80s, there were 17 live action superhero movies. Okay? Only 17 in all of the decade of the 80s. Then in the 90s, there were 34. Then, after 2000, it jumped up to 55.
Maddox: And then there's another 32 new superhero movies slated for release over the next five years.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: So over the next five years, this…this decade, we're on…we're on track to have the biggest superhero decade ever, and this is just live-action movies. This isn't even TV shows.
Dick: You know what? I would…at this point, I would rather watch a rom-com than a superhero movie.
Maddox: Uh…a lot of 'em are rom-coms, essentially.
Maddox: Spider-Man. Come on.
Maddox: Get outta here. Spi…
Dick: (interjects) Do you know anybody who's really into superheroes?
Maddox: Yeah. It's fucking everyone, man. And…and people put way too much weight on what superhero movies mean, and the implication and the (goofy voice) message, and the symbolism, and all this other bullshit…
Dick: What do you mean? What do you mean by that?
Maddox: Well, for example, um…there was an episode…so the new Supergirl series came out. The new Supergirl TV show.
Maddox: And the Internet screamed bloody murder, because it wasn't whatever they were expecting it to be. She wasn't strong enough or she wasn't indep…like, I don't know what they were expecting…
Maddox: Because…the show…was made kind of like a teen drama. Like, she had a…a crush on a boy in..in her school or her work, or something like that. I think it was her work. She had a crush on a boy and she was thinking about her boy…and she wanted to impress him, and sh…you know, and the superhero thread was just kind of…almost like an afterthought to the series.
Maddox: And it's by Warner Brothers. And people were saying, (goofy voice) "Oh, well why don't they make her a strong superhero?" Strong female superhero. Guys, you can't win with these people, because on one hand, if you take a super…a superhero. A female superhero, like Superwoman. Right? You get criticized because you're…you're making a miss…a male superhero. You know what I mean? They're just taking a male superhero, not changing anything, and then making her female and saying, "Well, there you go. There's your female superhero."
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: So that's one criticism.
Maddox: And then if they make it…distinctly different…
Dick: Yeah, there's not, like, a Wonderman. Where's that guy?
Dick: Like Wonder…a man, but Wonder Woman?
Maddox: I think they did actually make a Wonder Man. Didn't take off.
Dick: Did he have bracelets? (grins)
Maddox: N…(laughs) No, I don't think so.
Dick: Did he have a little lasso?
Dick: Skirt? Heyyyyyyy. I'll make you tell the truth! (singsong)
Maddox: You know what's interesting. That whole lasso thing. Uh, the guy who created Wonder Woman was really into, uh…bondage. And there's a l…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, really.
Maddox: There's actually a lot of covers of the old Wonder Woman comics that are…that have her completely bound up and wrapped up in, like, all these, like, really sexy poses.
Maddox: 'Cause the guy was, like, just kinda perving out. It's kinda interesting. Anyway, um…I think the superhero fad is associated with infantilism.
Maddox: Because a lot of people…I was looking on this website, http://www.kqed.org. Um…radio program, actually. And they talked about why we're so obsessed with superheroes, and one of the first reasons they said is escapism. This is from their website. It says, "Simply put, these films are fun. They're exciting. It's 120 minutes of pure, transcendental escapism. A mini-vacation from your life. With so much going on in the world, acts of terrorism, home and abroad, immigration reform, widespread poverty, and global climate change, superhero movies provide a utopian script for life." So it's kind of…you know, that was problem with infantilism, is that people are avoiding responsibility and avoiding confronting their problems in life with this childish bullshit. And I talked about the coloring books? I just went to Barnes and Noble the other day, and they have an entire section of adult coloring books. It's, like, their number one seller right now. Because…people are saying that adult coloring books are good for therapy. And, uh…so on and so forth. You know, everyone's got…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, whatever. They're good for whatever you got.
Dick: Step right up! We got…(Maddox laughs) revitalizing, tantalizing coloring books!
Dick: Cure all your ills!
Maddox: That's what it is!
Dick: Put vigor back into your step! Yeah..
Maddox: It's…it's avoiding adult responsibilities and problems with childish gimmicks and toys.
Maddox: It's infantilism. I think that superhero…obsession is a subset of infantilism. Go vote up infantilism, people!!
Dick: How come there's no R-rated superhero movies?
Maddox: There are.
Dick: W…really? What?
Maddox: Spawn. There you go.
Dick: Aw, Spawn sucked, though.
Dick: It was so emo.
Maddox: You know, Spawn the movie, the live-action movie sucked, but the HBO animated series was SO good. And nobody watched it.
Dick: Yeah, but…
Maddox: It's so good.
Dick: Why isn't there, like, a superhero movie where the superhero's, like, "Hey, Lex Luthor. Fuck you!!" Like, you know?
Sean: They're looking for a specific rating.
Dick: But they got a…they got a lot of these stupid movies. One can't be an R?!
Sean: Big Box Office, man.
Dick: Ugh, it's stupid.
Sean: Every movie needs to be big.
Maddox: Not only are they not making R-rated superhero movies, but they're making…they're taking old R-rated superhero movies like Robocop, and then making them PG-13 to make more money!
Dick: Oh, yeah. What about Deadpool?
Maddox: Yeaaaaah! Deadpool. Deadpool's rated R, yeah.
Dick: Randy's telling me about Deadpool.
Maddox: That's coming out.
Dick: I saw the comer…the trailer for it, though. It made me not want to see it.
Maddox: Ummmmmm, yeah. Deadpool's….Deadpool's hit and miss. But there's some…there's some really funny, uh…Deadpool comics, and the video game is pretty funny in bits and pieces. But yeah. There are…there are some R-rated superhero movies, but by and large, they're rated PG and PG-13 because they wanna get the biggest cash grab they can. Then another theory is that it's a reflection of our secret desire to be saved. Some people think that, you know, it's almost like this weird psychosexual thing going on, where…this is from the article. It says, "We play so many roles in real life, parent, partner, worker, student, caretaker, breadwinner, wouldn't it be nice to let someone else steer the automobile called your life?" So it's kind of like this, um…this resignation of responsibility. Again, infantilism. Where you…
Maddox: …allow someone bigger and stronger than you to take care of you.
Dick: Oh, boy.
Maddox: Yeah. Unpack that one. And then, finally, there's the Hero's Journey story that we all just like. Um, there are these classic story, uh…what are they called? Story tropes?
Maddox: Story arcs. Yeah…I think it's a story arc. They're just…classic Greek story arcs, right?
Maddox: That, uh…and the hero's journey is one of them. It says, "The myth of the hero's journey is familiar. It all started with Greeks and their stories of heroes like Hercules. In the Middle Ages, Germanic audiences cheered in the mead halls, pounding their beer steins on the table as Beowolf slayed Grendel. Frodo saved Middle Earth in Lord of the Rings, and Luke Skywalker used the Force to battle Darth Vader and the Emperor, etc, etc. Every generation has their hero's journey." And I'm so fucking sick of hearing about Star Wars already.
Dick: What do you want instead of all these superheroes?
Maddox: Just regular…
Dick: What would you rather have?
Maddox: R…regular movies. Remember movies?
Dick: Like what?
Maddox: L…like, uh…Pulp Fiction.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Sean: Here's an insurance salesman who ponders the meaning of life. (Dick cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. Would you go see that?
Maddox: Actually, uh…
Dick: Would that be better? (grins)
Maddox: Groundhog Day is one of my favorite movies.
Sean: Me, too.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah. And the…speaking of insurance salesman, he had…there was an insurance salesman in that movie.
Sean: That's right, he gets punched in the face. (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah. It was a great movie. I'd like a movie like Rambo. Where's Rambo First Blood?! We don't see that anymore!!
Dick: Yeah. We gotta have another Vietnam.
Maddox: (laughs) Great. Vote Trump. (him and Dick laugh)
Dick: Alright. Um…hey, I just wanna remind you that today's episode is brought to you by Harry's. You go to http://www.harrys.com and enter promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM and you get…5 dollars off your order? Yeah. $5 off your first purchase. So Harry's sent us…by the way, we had a call with Harry's. Wasn't that fun?
Dick: We had a call with Harry's. They wanted to congratulate us on how good our ad reads are.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: That's what I got outta that call. Is that not…Randy, was that not what they wanted to tell us? Basically? Pretty much? Yeah.
Maddox: They…they loved us. Uh, yeah. That was the first time we talked to the client, and I tried to finagle a trip to Germany out of it. (laughs)
Dick: Yes. Yes. While using the wrong name of the guy we were on the call with.
Maddox: Wait, wait, what did I say?
Dick: You called him Rob the entire call. That was not his name.
Maddox: I thought we were talkin' to Rob.
Dick: No! Rob was on the call. Rob represents Libsen, the hosting company.
Dick: We were talking…that is not the guy who we were talking to the whole time!
Maddox: Oh. I couldn't tell whose voice it was. (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Clearly! He probably could, though.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, whatever.
Dick: He probably knew what name was his! Anyway…
Maddox: I got called the wrong name on that…(Dick cracks up) Whatever! You know what?! We're not going to Germany either way.
Dick: Oh! Immediately. Immediate…straight out of the gate (background laughter) with so much confidence! "Hey Rob!" I was like "Oooooooooooohhhhh, not the guy's name!!" (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. I thought that was Rob. (background laughter)
Maddox: No. Huh.
Maddox: Well, you know what, guys? (Dick laughs) When there's…when there's six people on a conference call…
Dick: Just use whatever name you want!!! (cracks up)
Maddox: It doesn't matter. (Dick laughing) It doesn't…you're talking to somebody…unless someone has a real distinct voice. Dick, you and I are the only two people who should not get mistaken on the show, because we have the podcast, and everyone listens to our voice, and they know what it sounds like! This fir…this dude, I talked to him for the first time in my life, how am I supposed to recognize his name? I don't know.
Dick: Why do you want to use his name, then?! Why do you come out immediately with, "Hey Rob"? Why don't you just say no…no name at all?! (yells)
Maddox: Yeah. I…I thought he introduced us to the phone call. (Dick cracks up) The conversation…he was chaperoning. He was MCing the phone call.
Dick: He was! But the other guy was talking!
Maddox: Anyway. Go to http://www.harrys.com (they all crack up)….
Dick: Use promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM. Look, we got…they sent us their holiday kit. Which is pretty slick, right?
Maddox: Yeah. It's very click.
Dick: Talk about the feel of this razor. I love…I do genuinely love my Harry's blades because of the…cut of the blade. There's a lot of razor companies out there, but I actually prefer the Harry's…the way it feels on my skin. Um…you looking for a good gift, pick up one of these holiday packs for dad.
Maddox: Or your mom!!!
Dick: Or a guy…or your mom!!!
Dick: Let's…let's see what the ladies think of Harry's. Ladies use shit razors!
Maddox: Yeah. Or your girlfriends, guys. Y…you know what, ladies? I'm gonna speak to the lady listeners. All three of you right now. Okay? I…I know it's winter season, and you're putting on pants and shit. Uh…and you think you don't have to shave.
Dick: We're talking to the ladies now. (laughs)
Dick: Look, ladies, we know you put on pants and shit.
Dick: Whatever you got!
Maddox: Whatever you got, right? Your hose. It's…I don't wanna feel like…(laughs) I don't wanna feel a lumberjack when I'm, uh…reaching down to go to, uh…to go to pound town. (cracks up)
Dick: Is that…(guffaws) Right.
Maddox: http://www.harrys.com ….(cracks up laughing) http://www.harrys.com/biggest ....(he says the wrong address here, ignore this)
Dick: Yeah, lemme see here. Um…
Maddox: Biggestproblem, right?
Dick: Yeah. http://www.harrys.com. Use promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM and get $5 off your first purchase. In the holiday kit, we have daily face wash. You wanna try that? You wanna see what this tastes like? (Sean laughs) We got, uh…aftershave lotion. Makes you smell nice. We got the razor. We got a…it's not holiday-themed. The razor. You're not gonna pull it out and it's got some stupid Sanrio surprise character on it with a Santa hat. It's just regular classy theme. (Maddox giggles) Little carrying kit.
Maddox: No Hello Kitties.
Dick: No. No. Go to http://www.harrys.com and check it out. Alright.
Maddox: It's a real classy box, guys. This looks nice. For real. Could be for guys or girls. Buy it for your mom.
Dick: Problem number two from me?
Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear it.
Dick: Here…here it is. This comes…this comes from a listener. Oh God. I should say…my problem last week, having a shit after you shower?
Dick: That was actually said to me by Eric Beer…Baron Saiyan…Eric Beirbaron Saiyan. I didn't think of that.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: I didn't think of a problem that clever.
Maddox: Thank you, Eric.
Dick: Just wanna make sure to credit this guy.
Maddox: Oh, it was great. Great problem.
Dick: Or Subaru Parts Jesus. (stammers) The guy…his name's like a rapper. I don't know why he does that. But I just wanted to make sure…so here's another problem from a listener.
Dick: This came in from Sam Jacobs. Um, her boyfriend…someone who sends stuff in to the show…Horsecock…you know him? He teamed up with, uh…Butt Sanchez.
Dick: And they sent us all that salsa.
Maddox: We haven't heard from Butt Sanchez for a long time!
Dick: I have. He sent me a bunch of emails, pissed off about Trump.
Dick: He sent, like, a big paragraph about how Trump is a piece of shit.
Maddox: You blew it. He is.
Dick: And I'm a piece of shit.
Maddox: You are.
Dick: Yeah. I didn't bring it in, though.
Maddox: You blew it. (laughs) We're alienating the most Butts of Sanchez's listening in our audience.
Dick: Yeah. So, um, this girl Sam Jacobs, whose boyfriend Horsecocks is a big listener of the show. They're both listeners of the show. Uh, she's got something called…let me find it. She's got something called FSGS. It's a horrible kidney disease. Dammit, I wrote it down, but I can't find what it is. Um…her kidney's fucked.
Maddox: I'll look it up over here.
Dick: I wrote it down here somewhere, just can't find it.
Maddox: It's real easy to typo that FSGS. (giggles)
Dick: What'd you type?
Maddox: (giggling) No.
Dick: Come on.
Sean: Out with it.
Maddox: One letter away from a hate crime. (laughs)
Sean: Oh, g…yeah.
Dick: FSGS. What is it?
Maddox: It's, uh…focal…(laughing)
Dick: Oohhhh. Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Focal segmental…(has trouble reading) glomerulosclerosis.
Dick: Yeah. That's what it is. Look, whatever. The girl's kidney is fucked. Okay?
Maddox: Yeah. It's the leading cause of kidney failure in adults. That sucks.
Dick: I dunno what the kidney does, but you need it.
Maddox: Uh, it…it looks like it's a neco…it's a nephrotic syndrome, so it's a b…
Sean: There are two of them.
Dick: They're both fucked. Hers are both fucked.
Sean: You can live with…you can live with one.
Dick: What do you mean, h…anybody can…
Sean: You can live with one kidney, but I would assume they're both fucked.
Dick: Well, guess what, Sean?
Dick: There's not enough organ donors out there.
Dick: That's my problem! That's my problem this week. There's not enough organ donors.
Maddox: Not enough organ donors.
Dick: There are…125,000 people on the waiting list right now. Two…two football stadiums of people on the organ donor waiting list.
Maddox: Wow. Almost as many Syrians as trying to get in. (chuckles)
Dick: Yeah, uh…every day, 80 people get organ transplants, but 22 people die every die waiting for organ transplants.
Maddox: Yeah, that sucks.
Dick: Just waiting for organ…how does it…does that seem possible?!
Dick: How many people die every day?!
Maddox: That seems very accurate, actually. But…about 22.
Dick: 22 people dying every day waiting for organs when SO many people are getting killed. Where the hell do their organs go?
Maddox: Well, I thought about…so, here's my own personal take on this. A long time ago.
Maddox: Um…this is my..my own…when I was younger, I was super into conspiracies. I…I even drove out to Area 51. I think I mentioned this on the podcast, but I drove out to Area 51 to verify its existence, and you know, to spend some time by the black mailbox and do all this shit. And really into UFOs and the Harper Project, and…and, um…
Dick: What were you hoping to see?
Maddox: MK Ultra…all the shit.
Dick: At Area 51.
Maddox: Area 51?
Dick: Yeah, what were you hoping to see there?
Maddox: Well, I was just looking to verify that it existed.
Maddox: (interjects) And see if the technology and the rumors that I heard was out there, and it definitely was. I saw a black helicopter.
Dick: What was…okay. Black helicopter?
Dick: What else?
Maddox: Verified. I saw…
Dick: 'Cause I know nothing about, like, conspiracies like this. What were you hoping to see and what did you verify?
Maddox: I was hoping to see the black helicopter.
Maddox: I saw a black helicopter. They sent one up to intimidate us. Totally worked.
Dick: (giggles) Okay.
Maddox: (giggles) We fucking hightailed outta there so fast. Um…I saw…the White Rangers. They have these HUGE satellite dish, like, globes on top of their cars. Um, the security team out there? Then…
Dick: What does that do?
Maddox: I don't know. No idea.
Maddox: N…I don't think it…I don't think it was alien technology out there.
Dick: Is that something? Oh.
Maddox: Um, but there was…there were all these Joshua trees. And you guys, if you don't…if you aren't familiar with what Joshua trees look like, Google it. There were a bunch of fake Joshua trees in the desert. These looked like, uh…they were decoy Joshua trees that had antennaes and shit coming out of it. There were cables EVERYWHERE in the desert. I found so many cables when I was just walking around out there. Um, I wanted to verify that there was that fence, that old, restricted, Keep Out fence from Area 51? Found that.
Dick: So you went to a military base and found a fence.
Maddox: Yeah. You could…you could drive up to the security post, but if you get that, they'll probably arrest you. And you have NO rights once they arrest you. It is not America. You are…
Dick: What do you mean?!
Maddox: They…you have no rights. Like, there's some special classification of..of, uh..when people get arrested at Area 51, if you trespass into their territory, even get close enough, they can…
Dick: (interjects) If you, like, jump the fence and get in?
Maddox: If you j…if you get in their restricted area, yeah. Correct.
Dick: Okay. So that's trespassing on a…military base.
Dick: (snorts) Mmkay.
Maddox: But…not only that, but, um…if they arrest you for any reason anywhere in the vicinity, they can say that you were trespassing, and you don't really have evidence. You don't have any rights. They can…you don't get to call your lawyer. You don't get to call anyone. They decide….it's all determined from within whether or not they release or when they release you, or how many fines or penalties you have to pay, or whether or not you have to go to jail. It's entirely up to them.
Dick: You know what? You know who'll tell us what's going on in Area 51?
Dick: Will tweet that shit immediately. Guys, he will be Instagramming in Area 51, in his tour. Tell me that you don't think he would do that!
Maddox: No, I…I think he would. He's a…reckless.
Dick: Theeeeeeeere you go.
Maddox: Um, so, Area 51. The whole reason I mention that is 'cause I was REALLY into conspiracies way back in the day, and still, I read every conspiracy theory. I know eeeee…all the ins and outs of the 9/11 conspiracies. My own personal conspiracy, back when I was, uh…more of a dipshit conspiracy theorist, is, um…I voted "no". I always checked "no" on the organ donor.
Maddox: On my driver's license.
Dick: Why? 'Cause I did, too. Why?
Maddox: Okay. I wanna hear your reason.
Sean: 'Cause they're…'cause they're not gonna save you, you think.
Maddox: (giggles) More insidious than that, Sean, I think that they're gonna…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, is that your reason why?
Sean: No, that's what I thought he was gonna say.
Dick: Okay, one lunatic. That's a good lunatic reason. (Maddox laughs) That's a good lunatic reason.
Sean: Ahh, fuck it. People need kidneys.
Dick: Yeah, that's true. I would…if I was a doctor, I would do it.
Sean: He's gonna be par…he'll be paralyzed anyway.
Dick: Like, eh, fuck this guy!
Maddox: This is…
Dick: We could save eight people with this guy's body!
Maddox: This is even more insidious than that. It's next level. So, I thought that some rich person could pay for that list of organ donors.
Maddox: And…hunt you down…
Dick: Dumber already.
Maddox: Right? Hunt you down. Maybe you have an accident. (Dick guffaws) Oh, this guy had an accident. I need an organ.
Dick: Strangled himself right outside a hospital.
Maddox: Yeah. (they laugh)
Dick: What are you gonna do?
Dick: He flew to Baltimore, where my daughter's dying of a heart transplant…and strangled himself. Fuck. Took all this aspirin right before he did it!
Maddox: He…he tripped down the stairs right into this bucket of ice. I dunno what happened. Broke his neck! (laughs)
Dick: You thought that would happen? That a rich person would assassinate you and harvest your organs?
Maddox: Hey. It's my dipshit conspiracy theory. There you go.
Dick: Do you still think that?
Dick: Are you an organ donor now?
Maddox: Uh…I'm not sure. I…I don't remember.
Dick: I think you would know. Let's see that license.
Maddox: Probably. I don't know.
Dick: Let's see that license. (grins) I wanna see your license, too, Sean.
Maddox: I would fully…(giggles)
Dick: Are you an organ donor?
Sean: No, I'm not. But I will be. I gotta renew it.
Dick: You're not an organ donor!? (yells)
Sean: No, and I don't know why!
Dick: This fan…this fan…needs a kidney. Okay?! This fan is dying.
Sean: The next time around, I totally will be. I dunno why I don't.
Dick: Oh, you better. You better, Sean. You better check that box.
Maddox: What's your reason, Sean?
Sean: A lot of…none. I don't have a good reason.
Dick: Randy, are you? Prove it.
Maddox: Alright. We're taking…we're taking driver licenses out.
Dick: I wanna see your driver's license, too. I wanna make sure.
Sean: We probably need more executions.
Dick: Randy, check.
Sean: You know that a lot of death row inmates, like, end up donating their eyes and stuff like that.
Dick: Oh, yeah?
Dick: Did they fall off a truck? (giggles)
Maddox: There was that, um…
Dick: Those eyes fell off a truck? Mmm.
Maddox: There was that person, too, who donated their entire face. Someone got a full face transplant recently. How's that for a donation, huh?
Dick: And they got a good-looking face.
Maddox: It's decent, yeah.
Dick: Did you see that? I wanted to look just to see if the guy was, like, good-looking before the face got face-offed.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, it's no me.
Sean: Was that the result of a…was that the result of a monkey attack?
Maddox: I think it might've been.
Dick: No, he got burned. The guy got burned.
Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, his face got all fucked up. Got all melted.
Sean: Not a monkey…
Dick: (interjects) The monkey started the fire, though. (they all crack up) It was pissed off!
Maddox: As…as they often do. (Dick cracks up)
Sean: Then he took a picture and owns the copyright.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: I don't know. This doesn't say anything.
Dick: Organ donor? I don't…Maddox, I don't see organ donor on this thing. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. That means I am.
Dick: That means you're NOT an organ donor! (yells) (they crack up) You motherfucker!
Maddox: What about you, dickhead?! Why aren't you one?
Dick: I am an organ donor. I wasn't for the longest time.
Dick: Because of m…(laughs) it was an affront to my libertarian principles…
Dick: That I couldn't…that I couldn't sell my organs. (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: Like, I couldn't sign something and get cash now…
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: So, like, look. You give me…you give me 50 grand, and when I die, you can have whatever you want. You can take my dick.
Dick: You can take my kidneys.
Maddox: Worthless. Worthless.
Dick: Whatever you wa…(guffaws) whatever you want!
Maddox: Your liver's shot!
Dick: You can eat it. You can play with it. My liver's probably a genetic anomaly! I'm probably a superhero. (Maddox laughs) Some…Liver Man.
Sean: He just hangs it over the shower every morning, lets it dry out.
Dick: Yeah, I wring it out.
Maddox: His liver? Yeah.
Dick: But…then I saw a very special episode of House…(background laughter) wherein…(Dick cackles)
Sean: That was the promo, too, right?
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Sean: Next, on a very special episode of House.
Dick: Wherein House, like, told…House went on some speech of why it's important to be an organ donor, and I was like, "You know what? Tomorrow when I get up, and sober up…"
Dick: "…I'm gonna go sign up to be an organ donor, because there's a guy like House out there who's bemoaning the lack of organ donors."
Maddox: This is the big idiot equalizer, right here. (Dick cracks up) Like, idiots who vote for Tr…who are, like, super into Trump? Are also, like, watching TV and getting advice from House. (stammers) It's a wash. It's a wash. I'm done.
Dick: I'm sorry, you thought a rich person was gonna assassinate you and steal your BRAIN?!
Maddox: Oh, that's crazy. Yeah…
Dick: That's crazy!! (yells)
Maddox: 'Cause rich people have stolen billions of dollars from investors. They wouldn't…they wouldn't knock off one Armenian!!
Dick: Why would they go for the organ donor list?! Why…if they're gonna murder somebody, they'd just murder a homeless person! They wouldn't look for a list of organ donors and go after them, they'd just go murder someone! (yelling)
Maddox: No, because, you fucking idiot. (Dick laughs) They'd have to know your blood type. They have to know that it's a match! That's why. They te…they do testing beforehand. They invite you to a party, huh? They get your…(Dick guffaws) they give you a cocktail. (background laughter) They swab the rim of the glass, they check your DNA!! (Dick still cracking up) They check for genetic defects, they make sure it's a perfect match, then, BAM! Next thing you know, you're knocked off! (Dick dying of laughter) You're missing a kidney, 'cause some rich fucker stole it!
Dick: The Big Lebowski…he's a good doctor, and very thorough…(Maddox cracks up) with setting you up, "Oh, whatever!" I just got too drunk at this guy's party! Now I'm going to a doctor!!
Maddox: Makes sense. Makes sense, guys. That's a conspiracy theory! That's not even on Wikipedia. Add it!
Dick: I still think it's bullshit that you can't sell your organs. (background giggles) It…(laughs) it would fix homelessness. There's, like…like…the ramp of people waiting for organs…
Dick: Is sloping up every year. Like, more and more and more people need organs, but the list of transplants, like, hovers around 5,000. Like, it's not moving up. So let's pump some money into the system! Lemme…I'll give you…I got two GREAT kidneys. For…I don't know what it would t…two million bucks? Boom. You got it. Out the door.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) You know, uh…you know what, Dick…
Dick: No problem!
Maddox: You could do that in China…
Dick: But that's illegal.
Maddox: Just go to China! Our fucking laws can't reach over there! You just go to China, you come home with a couple suitcases of cash. You're set, for life! For half your life, or whatever.
Dick: Oh, is that true?
Maddox: Yeah! You can do anything in China, man! They're fucking creating chimeras. They have a cloning lab now…
Dick: Oh, great. This is…
Maddox: They're making, like, two-headed p…
Dick: …from a guy who went to Area 51 and is impressed at the fence.
Maddox: Wait, wha…
Dick: I don't know if I can believe what you're saying.
Maddox: Oh, I…I hopped the fence, buddy.
Dick: What do you think they're doing in Area 51?
Maddox: Ah, jack shit now. They're probably just doing, uh…
Dick: (interjects) What do you think they WERE doing? I'm sorry. Now, nothing. What do you think they were…(Maddox laughs) in their hayday of making aliens, what ewre they doing?
Maddox: No, no, no. I don't think that there was alien shit in there. (Dick giggles) The…the professor who was pushing that theory the hardest…
Dick: (interjects) Vampires!
Dick: Was it vampires?
Maddox: No. The professor who was pushing that theory the hardest was this guy named Richard Hoagland. And…I went to one of his talks for the first time when I was in…at the University of Utah, and I thought, "Wow, I'm so excited, 'cause I've been reading this guy's works for years. This guy's writing for years." And I thought, "This is a real professor."
Maddox: "He's gonna come and tell us about his theory on the…uh, the face on Mars, right?"
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: And I thought…(cracks up)
Dick: So fucking stupid! Did you believe that, too!?
Maddox: I…I just wanted…
Dick: Did you think it was weird?
Maddox: Well, 'cause I read Richard Hoagland's writing, and I thought that he sounds like a legit…'cause he used to work at Area 51.
Dick: It's okay to say, "I wanna know." "I want to ask questions!"
Maddox: Yeah!! I was curious.
Dick: That's it. I wanna know.
Dick: Like Charlie Sheen, and 9/11.
Dick: Now he's got AIDS, coincidence?
Maddox: Ooooookay. Great. (scoffs)
Dick: I don't think so.
Maddox: Alright. (Dick and Maddox crack up) (Maddox sighs) Dumb, dumb. Alright. So I went to…see this professor, Richard Hoagland.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Dr. Richard Hoagland around here, yeah. (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Double doctor. I want them to start calling themselves Dr. Dr. Richard Hoagland.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: I've got TWO doctorates!
Maddox: If anyone listens…
Dick: Not enough! (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: If anyone listens to Coast to Coast AM, he's on…like, all the time.
Dick: I love that show! (crying from laughter)
Maddox: And that should tell you…that should tell you everything right there. So, this guy…he started, like, talking about these theories about, like, the, uh…geomagnetic force fields, and, um…
Dick: Yeah, mhmm. Mhmm.
Maddox: And how there's these…so his…his entire talk was mostly centered around Earth and how there are these…
Dick: Mole people.
Maddox: No, no, no. These…uh, what are they called. They're these geophysical shapes, right?
Maddox: Like tetrahedrons, and…
Dick: Okay. (laughs)
Maddox: And pentagons, and they're…they're, like, these mystic shapes that, uh…that have…that show points of power and energy on Earth.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: And he said, "Well, it really correlates, 'cause there's one at the Pentagon. (Dick guffaws) There's one at Napoleon…"
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it's the shape of the Pentagon? (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) And there's one at the…at Napoleon's tomb…(Dick guffaws) And then there's one at, like…
Dick: Yeah? (laughing, high-pitched)
Maddox: At New York City.
Maddox: And then there's one in Chicago…it's like…it's like, yeah. You're just looking at a map and just picking big cities, idiot.
Dick: Picking out shapes.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) And there's one at the pyramids, of course! In Egypt.
Maddox: And the ones at the pyramids…coincide with the pyramids on Egy…err, on Mars.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Uh, ohh, wow….
Dick: Oh, wow.
Maddox: So, and my mind is…is blown at this point by..by stupidity.
Maddox: And I'm like, "Oh, my gosh. I can't believe I read this guy's…"
Dick: (interjects) "What have I done?!" (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, what have I done? (Dick laughs) Can I get a ref…is it too late to get a refund!? Can I get my parking validated? (Dick laughs, sighs) It's under an hour. I left from the talk early. It…I…I felt like, so…ashamed of myself.
Maddox: For falling for this quackery. Uh…and then, from that day on, I think I started looking at conspiracy theories way more critically.
Dick: Aaaaaaahhh, okay.
Dick: That makes sense.
Maddox: 'Cause…(stammers) man, that Dr. Hoagland guy…(giggles) he is on…a next level of bullshit. It's some crazy, crazy shit.
Dick: You ever see anybody leaving one of your book signings looking like that? (background laughter)
Maddox: No, never!!! (Dick cracks up) They're all dumbfounded and panties are drenched. Every single time. (Sean groans)
Dick: Even on the men.
Maddox: Yeah! (Sean giggles) Especially the men. (Dick clears his throat) Um, Dick, I wanna mention something, before we move on from this problem.
Dick: Uhhhh, okay.
Maddox: There is a website called http://www.nephcure.org, it's for the…it's kidney international. http://www.nephcure.org. If you guys…are interested in being an organ donor, or helping out, or maybe even contributing to this…this cause, it's, uh…http://www.nephcure.org. Looks like it's the…one of the biggest, uh…advocacy websites for kidney cures. So check that out.
Dick: Make sure you get a little…little money for your troubles, though. Get a little some…maybe a new car. Something like that.
Maddox: Who, me?
Dick: Make sure you do, if you're gonna help.
Maddox: Oh, for your kidney. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. (stammers) It's really one of the things that actually warms my cold, broken heart, is, uh…(belches) (cracks up)
Dick: Jesus Christ. (they all crack up)
Sean: Get any on ya?
Maddox: So th…(cracks up) One of the things that warms my cold, broken heart is when I see these stories in the news where someone, um…like, a customer going in to a coffee shop for years.
Maddox: Turns out he needs a kidney, and the barista behind the counter, their friend, says, "You know what? I'll give you my kidney." It's just…it's just one of the most selfless acts you can do. I really like that stuff.
Dick: Yeah, uh…so here's…here's what I found that was interesting for this problem. So this girl…this girl Sam Jacobs. Uh, she has…AB negative blood. And…and a great rack. By the way. So she need…that's, like, a rare blood type for…for a kidney that she needs.
Maddox: Oh, okay. That's why you need the database.
Dick: Well, there's a thing called a kidney chain. So people wanna donate, but they don't have the right matching kidney.
Dick: Like, this girl, it's impos…she's…like, she's…she spent 10 months in the hospital last year. Impossible for her to get a kidney, 'cause no one has it, right?
Dick: So…they get on a…on a list, and they partner up with people, and if somebody comes in to give their, like, kidney buddy, the right kidney? Then that person will give somebody else who matches their kidney.
Maddox: Oh, that's cool.
Dick: So it's like a chain.
Dick: Of giving organs over.
Maddox: That's nice.
Dick: All for free, but…
Dick: That's the…I thought that was interesting.
Maddox: Yeah, that is interesting.
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno man. As soon as you start to add money into the equation, then you start to create a market for it, and that is really scary shit.
Dick: Riiiiiiight. Okay. (sad) Well…
Maddox: There's this…there's this hotline. You know that…there's that horror story, that sketch or whatever…um, where people are afraid, they wake up in a bathtub full of ice, and they reach down, they feel a scar, and their kidney's been stolen.
Maddox: It's like a classic, like, horror trope, right?
Maddox: Um…I don't think that's ever happened. And there's…but, just to be safe, I think the European Union set up a hotline for people in case they ever find themselves in that kind of situation. That they can call. And I think, umm…I heard this on NPR a long time ago, that nobody's ever called that hotline.
Maddox: Yeah. But, uh…it's a really scar thought. Oh, good…good problem, Dick. http://www.nephcure.org if you guys want to contribute or donate or anything like that. But, uhh…
Dick: What, donate a kidney? People are gonna be listening to that 10 minutes and say, "Oh, I gotta donate a kidney."
Maddox: Yeah, why not? I heard it on a podcast.
Maddox: Alright. I got the real biggest problem in the universe, guys. Superhero Obsessions. But next to that…Lines!
Maddox: Lines! Is the biggest problem.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Oh, that's a good problem. Lines.
Dick: Did you have a Black Friday issue, or something?
Maddox: No. (giggles) No, although I did go to a store on Black Friday, just to see the, uh…the madhouse, you know.
Dick: What store?
Maddox: I went to Best Buy.
Maddox: I…I walked in and it just looked dirty. Everything looked dirty.
Maddox: You know? And there's a billion fucking sales associates running around, asking you if you want anything. I'm like, "No, man, I can see all the shit you got!"
Dick: (yells) "I don't want anything! I came in here to look at the spectacle! I don't wanna buy anything!"
Maddox: Yeaaaah. (laughing)
Dick: Leave me alone!!
Maddox: Yeah, my…my th…(they laugh)
Dick: You idiot! You're the idiot! (they crack up)
Maddox: My thumb is hovering on the record button, you know, in case any fights break out or anything like that.
Dick: Jesus Christ. (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah. No, there's nothing. It's just a bunch of, like, cheap, shitty TVs that no one wants.
Maddox: And TVs are so cheap already, anyway. I…I don't even know what the going price of a TV is anymore. I walk in, it's like, 300 bucks. I think, "Is that a good price? I don't know. I guess." They're all about that cost, right?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: It's all bullshit. Anyway, man. No, lines. I hate writing them. I hate it when people cross them. And I hate waiting in them. Lines are the worst, guys. I feel like…some people love to wait in lines, right? There's this…a type of person.
Dick: Huh. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. There's a type of person who loves to wait in lines. They see long-ass lines to a club and they're completely okay with spending a third of their night waiting in line just to make it…make the club look cool. All you're doing is advertising for the club.
Maddox: People who wait in lines? All those clubs are half-empty, anyway. And it's always half-empty.
Dick: Sometimes, they're completely empty.
Dick: Sean and I played at the Viper Room.
Dick: Uh…my sister got there first, and they made her wait outside to start a line, like befo…while we were getting ready to play to a COMPLETELY empty bar.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's all advertising.
Dick: It sucked.
Maddox: It's…it's bullshit. They're just using you. They're using your feet. You're…and you're a sucker if you're waiting in them. I…I won't wait in a line that's gonna take more than 10 minutes, with very few exceptions. Um, I…if you get to a club around 11 PM, right? And you have to wait in line for an hour…you only have two hours inside to get a drink, or do ANYTHING. So that means 33% of your time was spent standing on a sidewalk like an asshole! And if you're a girl wearing heels, that means you've probably flung them over your shoulder and you're standing barefoot in loogies and gum! It's awful!
Maddox: It's the WORST. Vote up High Heels, guys.
Maddox: That shit. (stammers) 'Cause it's always girls who can't wear them, standing around?
Dick: Did you do this math on a girl's back, like I was saying, with lipstick? I spent 30% of my time in line…derivative…two-hour night…
Maddox: No…no. Um…(giggles)
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Here's…here's a little fact about yours truly. I almost always skip airport lines. Like, I HATE them and I won't stand in them, 'cause everyone's an idiot, except for me.
Dick: Okay. How do you skip them, though?
Maddox: Everyone…(scoffs) I just walk up to the fucking front…
Maddox: And I look…here's the only time I won't skip an airport line, right?
Maddox: If…if I look at the line, and it looks like everyone in there is studious and paying attention…(Dick giggles) and diligent.
Maddox: They're getting their shit done. They're paying attention. They're not fucking around on their cell phones. They're not chasing their kids around. They're not picking up their skis like clumsy idiots, right? If they're all paying attention and they're…they're going as soon as the teller or the machine is empty…
Maddox: They're stepping up to use it, I'm not gonna skip that line, because that's unfair.
Dick: When you say skip, you mean cut, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: But, more often…like, 9 times out of 10, I'll walk up to an airport queue, and I'll look, and the guy at the front of the line is fucking around. Like, just checking his cell phone, or talking to his wife, or his kids, or whatever. And the person at the front, who's helping, saying "Next." "Next." "Next."
Maddox: You know what? I'm next. 'Cause if you don't go? It's your fault, right? You're holding up the entire line, and the person behind you, if he doesn't say anything, it's HIS fault.
Maddox: And if the person behind him doesn't say anything, it's his fault. It's everyone's fault but mine!
Maddox: And I'm gonna go. I'm gonna eat your lunch!
Dick: So everyone in line is responsible for the actions of one person. Is what you're saying.
Maddox: In that case, yes.
Dick: Do you walk right up from the back? (giggles)
Maddox: Oh, yeah. I just walk right up…
Dick: I'm surprised you haven't started a problem with this, uh…behavior.
Maddox: Naaaaah. No!
Dick: I really am. (giggles)
Maddox: You know why?
Dick: Is there any…(giggles) Go ahead.
Maddox: Because these same knuckleheads who are not paying attention, aren't gonna be calling me out. They're not even calling the person in front out.
Dick: Well, you…it just takes one.
Dick: One guy who walked out of the airport bar, and sees a guy cutting the line.
Maddox: Well, if you're in the airport bar, you're already through security, so it doesn't matter.
Dick: Oh, that's true.
Maddox: Yeah. That's not gonna happen.
Dick: When I said airport bar, I meant the sidewalk. (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Yeah, um…also, uh…queues with cars. Like, if a car is trying to get out…like, if there's a big line for an exit, I almost always skip ahead, right? And there's some dipshit not paying attention…
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: Dick. Masterson. You. Texting.
Dick: Texting in a line?!
Maddox: Oh, YEAH.
Dick: Buddy, I'm…I'm the zipper master. (Maddox laughs) I never let one second go through, zip, zip, zip, one right after the other. You're fucking up the process.
Dick: Guys like you are cramming…like USUAL…your aggressive driving is hurting everyone!
Maddox: No, it's hurting no one!! Here's the thing. If I'm…if I cut into a line, it's always because there's slack in that line, right?
Maddox: If I come up to the fr…and sometimes, this backfires. Like, I would say, 20% of the time, this backfires.
Maddox: But I'll drive up, you know, to pull my asshole move, and I just, like, you know. Jut in where some idiot's not paying attention.
Maddox: And…sometimes there won't be that slack, 'cause it's all bumper to bumper and they…you know, everyone's driving efficiently and everyone's paying attention.
Maddox: I'll say, "Oh, good for you." I'll just take the next exit. I'll…go 10 minutes out of my way.
Maddox: You know. That's on me. That's my fault. That's when society is doing it right, and I deserve what I got.
Maddox: I don't try to jut myself in when the line is efficient. I only do it when it's inefficient. And I'm the person making it efficient. I expect people…I…you know what I would like, once? For once in my life? When I cut in front of someone in line, for them to turn around and say, "Thank you."
Dick: Yeah. (giggles) I'm sure this…I'm sure you think that a lot, though.
Maddox: I do!
Dick: Like, you want people to thank you for things that you're doing that are extremely rude. (they all crack up)
Maddox: It's not rude! What's rude is you're holding up…the society! You're holding up everyone!
Maddox: People have shit to do!
Sean: And it's a teaching moment.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Is it, Sean!!
Dick: That's better. (grins)
Maddox: Sean…90% of what I do in life is a teaching moment. I feel like I'm teaching pe…
Dick: (interjects) That's it? 90%? What's the other 10%?
Maddox: Just for me, baby! (Dick laughs) No…
Dick: (interjects) It sounds a bit like a child, though.
Dick: Complaining about lines.
Dick: Like, people are…what? Waiting? Waiting too long in lines? I took my nephews in town for Thanksgiving, last weekend.
Dick: Or, last week, and he really wanted to go to In and Out. He's three years old. Really wanted to go to In and Out. Um…of course, at In and Out, the popular fast food restaurant in California, it's only in California, there's always a line, 'cause it's very good. And everyone's okay with that, but the whole time we were waiting in line, he's complaining about it. Saying, "Hey cars, move forward! Cars, move forward! Why won't all these cars move forward?"
Dick: And we had to explain to him about lines.
Dick: Now I feel…I feel like I'm in the same position.
Maddox: Mhmm. Were you telling your nephew that, "Sorry, some people are idiots and they're not paying attention, and that's why there's delays."
Dick: What's it gonna cost you, though? Like a couple…ten seconds here and there?
Maddox: It could be an hour or two.
Dick: Somebody's on their phone for an hour while the kiosk is up there, empty!?!? (yells) Couple seconds!
Maddox: Man, I tell…I tell you what. I would've missed…I would've missed so many flights if I didn't cut lines. Like, I…I remember one time, I was in…ah, shit, where was I? I think I was in Hungary, trying to get to Greece, right?
Dick: Oh, boy.
Maddox: And I walk up, and it's just…
Dick: What a…living the high life, jet-setting Maddox!
Maddox: There were…(giggles)
Sean: Loaded up with plastic explosive in Hungary. (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: What the fuck is your problem!? (they crack up) So I was trying to get to Greece, and I walk up to the terminal, and I see, like, just this…enclave. It just looked like a tour group from Egypt.
Maddox: And no one spoke English. English is the international language, people. (Dick guffaws loudly) Like, just speak it.
Maddox: Just learn Eng…you gotta learn English.
Dick: Yeah. Okay.
Maddox: Right? You just have to.
Sean: I can't believe you're one of those guys.
Dick: Yeaaah. (giggles)
Maddox: I don't think that you…you should…I don't think that you should have to, but I think that you should. It's like…definitely beneficial.
Sean: It's an advantage, sure.
Maddox: I think the two…the two languages everyone should learn is English and Chinese. 'Cause Chinese is gonna be the next superpower. So…
Dick: Why should everyone learn Chinese?
Maddox: 'Cause we're gonna be doing a lot of business with China, and we already are.
Dick: Who…who "we're"? You gonna…you're gonna be doing business with China? (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. I already have.
Maddox: I already have! I…
Dick: (interjects) Did you need to speak Mandarin to do it?
Maddox: No, but it helps a lot. If you speak any Mandarin…Chinese people…by..by and far are the most grateful, appreciative people when you speak a little bit of their language. It goes SO far.
Dick: Can you give us a little bit of Mandarin? What did you say to them?
Maddox: Sure. Ni Hao Ma. Xie Xie.
Dick: Ohh. And they're like, "Ohhh, Maddox. You filled our minds with such a kindness, 'cause you tried to speak our language!" (background laughter) We'll do anything!! (laughing)
Maddox: Well, you laugh, but it…it really goes a long way. I remember even…even in the back of a taxicab, I…one time, um, I was travelling somewhere, and I met this Chinese dude…and he was really feeling, uh…homesick, and I just spoke a few words of Chinese to him, and his face lit up.
Dick: Like an angel.
Maddox: He was…SO happy.
Maddox: Uh, it really means a lot. But…
Dick: (interjects) Well, don't learn Spanish, 'cause that won't help you get a ride to the gun range.
Sean: Then Maddox took him to a Panda Express. (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: Ugh, Sean. (disgusted) (they laugh) No, but, uhhh…I had… I have a Chinese friend, one time, straight from China, came over, and was REALLY offended when she saw Panda Express.
Maddox: 'Cause she said, "How dare they? They can't use a panda on that." I said, "Why not?" And she goes, "That's China's animal!" and I'm like, "Well…" (Dick laughs) "Welcome to America!"
Maddox: (laughing) She was really pissed off.
Sean: Alll….all three of them?
Dick: What, the pandas?
Maddox: What, the pandas?
Sean: The pandas.
Maddox: Nah, they got a bunch. They're on the rebound, I think.
Sean: Are they?
Maddox: Yeah, I think so. They're not…I mean, they're not doing great. They're not doing, like…they're not, uh…we're not back up to the American Buffalo number. The American Bison.
Maddox: Which has rebounded because we started eating them! If we…dude…we started eating pandas, you'll see a rebound.
Sean: You know a lot of those are hybrids, though.
Maddox: What, the pandas?
Sean: A lot of them are cross-bred with domestic cattle.
Maddox: What, the bison?
Sean: Yeah. There's not nearly as many, uh…bison as you think.
Dick: We got electric buffalo here?
Sean: What's that?
Dick: We got hybrid buffalos here?
Sean. We do.
Maddox: Hmm. They're doing that shit in China.
Dick: Well, I do think it's, like, a problem for three-year-olds. Who don't understand that lines are kind of a necessity.
Maddox: Lines are only a necessity when everyone is efficient and everyone's doing their part.
Dick: Would you have a problem with being able to pay to skip the line?
Dick: Or is it only…oh, you would?
Maddox: I absolutely would.
Dick: So YOU can skip the line with impunity, but if I gotta slap down 20 bucks to skip a line, that's a problem.
Dick: Okay. (giggles) Wh…you don't see a problem with that?
Maddox: No, because then…then you're just creating an underclass system. And people…people…like, the only time I think that people should skip lines, again, is if everyone's being inconsiderate in that line. If everyone's being inconsiderate, why should I…why shouldn't I be inconsiderate back to them and just cut in front of them? Because they're fucking around anyway. I remember one time I cut a line…
Dick: (interjects) This is how you get stabbed.
Maddox: Nah. I cut a line…
Dick: (giggles) Go ahead. (laughs)
Maddox: I cut a line one time and I s…because I saw…I saw someone at the front, texting…(Dick still cracking up) right?
Dick: Yeeeeeeeah? (grins)
Maddox: This chick. Texting.
Dick: About how he really wants to stab somebody. (laughs)
Maddox: No, I do the…I…I saw this chick texting in the front of the line, right?
Maddox: I went up to the kiosk, I checked in, got my boarding pass, turned around, picked up my bag and looked at her, and she's still texting! I'm like, "Fuck you, bitch! I did…I did my part!" This is exactly why I exist! People like me exist to take advantage of the slack that these dipshits are creating!
Maddox: It's inefficiency and I hate it.
Dick: Yeah. I dated a girl who would throw a literal tantrum if there was a line.
Dick: Like, stomping her feet.
Dick: It was…um…
Maddox: Lines are bad.
Dick: It was the girl version of this, I guess. I don't know.
Maddox: Pfffff. (background giggling)
Dick: It was difficult.
Maddox: Sounds sexy as shit.
Dick: Well, she was that.
Maddox: Yeah. Ahaaaaa! That's me! (laughs)
Maddox: Um, and I'll just end on this note. I sometimes appreciate the aesthetic of a line. So…there we go.
Dick: Do you ever keep lines at your book signings? I imagine you wouldn't. It's just a huge mob of people wanting you to sign their book, right?
Maddox: No, actually…there are lines at my book signings, yeah.
Dick: Oh, dear.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) There are lines…
Dick: I guess we've…(cracks up laughing)
Maddox: You know what, though? I tell…when I te…when I have…
Dick: (interjects) What if somebody cut in that line, would you send 'em back? Would you just sign their book?
Maddox: Yeah, I'd probably send 'em back. 'Cause there's no…
Dick: You don't reward that behavior.
Maddox: There's no…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause that would fuck up the system, right?
Maddox: Because there's no inefficiency in my line, fucko! All my fans are smart! They're reading my book, they're…they're waiting in line! There's no slack in that line!
Dick: What if they're reading the book!? How could they stop reading the book…when they're in line!? They're sitting there with nothing to do and they have that tempting tome in front of them!
Maddox: They do. They read the book, but they're also looking up. They're constantly glancing. Glancing. Glancing! Those are my fans.
Dick: Yeah. I thought I had you on that one. (Maddox belches)
Dick: Alright. Let's wrap it up.
Maddox: Alright, man. My problems this week were…
(closing riff starts)
Maddox: Superhero Obsession and Lines.
Dick: My problems are Human Driving Directions and Not Enough Organ Donors.
Maddox: Vote up Lines.
Dick: Oh God, I've got something funny here. So, Weird McConaughey called in a LOT of times, and I've tracked his…I've tracked his progression one night, from a sober individual, into the weird McConaughey that we all know and love.
Dick: Do you wanna hear that? So here's…here's McConaughey at 10:45 in the evening.
(Voice mail: Male voice: Maddox, I just listened to your…story about your dad. And that's pretty awesome. Why the fuck do you not have your dad on the Biggest Problem?"
Dick: Coherent, right?
"He could bring a problem in…"
Maddox: Yeah, pretty coherent.
"He could tell stories…"
"It's be hilarious, I'm sure he fucking has some fighting stories…"
Dick: You got an idea…and proof that the idea is good.
"Some fucking…hooker stories."
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
"All the good stuff.")
Dick: Starting to get weird.
Maddox: (stammers) I mean, a lot of people have asked me about having my dad on the show…I…I can't, guys.
Dick: They're all trying to fuck you. Trust me. (they both crack up)
Maddox: No…my dad's deaf. Otherwise I'd totally have him. He's basically deaf. Yeah.
Dick: Does he…do sign language?
Maddox: Uh, no, he doesn't. It's actually a war impairment. He's a disabled veteran from uh…from fighting in Korea.
Dick: He could still do sign language, though.
Maddox: He's like….he's, like, 80% deaf.
Maddox: He doesn't know sign language, no.
Dick: Does he compose…sonatas, like Beethoven?
Maddox: No. No, he doesn't.
Dick: No? Alright.
Maddox: But it's very difficult to…talk to him on the phone. Sacrifice for this country. So there you go.
Dick: Here…here is…I find dads in general are tough to talk to on the phone.
Dick: You know? I don't know.. (stammers) Okay, here's Weird McConaughey 30 minutes later.
(Voice mail: creepier male voice: "Maddox… (Maddox snorts, laughs) after that story, I don't know how your mom doesn't give your dad blowjobs every day. (they all crack up) ")
Dick: He was doing lines of something. Here is him, 30 MINUTES LATER, 11:45!!
(Voice mail: creepier male voice: "Hey Maddox…I know how your _________diet. It's because you eat his shit. (Dick giggles) You shit eater.") (they all crack up)
Dick: Here's the final…here's the final one, uh…30…30 minutes after that. At 12:15. And that's our time, too. This might be 3:15 his time.
(Voice mail: still creepy male voice: "Hey guys…I think…(giggles) (they laugh) I think…hold on. I'm gonna call back.") (they all crack up)
Dick: And he never did.