Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 8

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?

Maddox: Oh man, we have had a week.

Dick: Yeah, great week!

Maddox: We have had an incredible week. So, uh....

Dick: You're the stats man.

Maddox: Yeah, I got some stats for you. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. And I wait all week for the stats from you of how we're doing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And this was an exciting week. For this show.

Maddox: It was a very exciting week. So....already, right off the top, we have 100,000 downloads (Dick cackles maniacally) We've already hit 100,000 downloads in just over what, a month and a half we've been going.

Dick: Can you put that in terms of a sex tape? Who would release a sex tape that would get 100,000 downloads? Maybe one of the Golden Girls?

Maddox: Maybe Scarlett Johannson, on a good day.

Dick: Really?! (laughs)

Maddox: Maybe.

Dick: I think she'd get a couple million.

Maddox: That's what I'm saying.

Dick: I think you'd need like, a B-lister to get 100,000.

Maddox: I don't even know celebrities, so I'm out.

Dick: Kathy Bates! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Kathy Bates?!

Dick: She would get 100,000 downloads, I think.

Maddox: I…you know, I would watch that. Like, out of curiosity.

Dick: You are one of them.

Maddox: Right? I mean, you gotta see those pancake tiiiitties! (jeers). Uh, so......but that's not the important stat. The important stat is: We have already hit not only the top 100 on the iTunes Comedy Podcast, we are in the top 10.

Dick: Yeaaaaaahahahhhhhh!! (cackles)

Maddox: Almost overnight, we hit number 9 on the overall Comedy Podcast list in iTunes.

Dick: That's amazing!

Maddox: It's incredible!

Dick: That's amazing.

Maddox: We are less than…what, two months old. And we are already in the top 10 of iTunes Comedy Podcasts. We are beating…we are like, outranking Norm MacDonald and like, all these like, celebrities and Comedy Central, their official podcast.

Dick: Oh my God!

Maddox: And we, on the global overall podcasts, we're in the top 50. We're number 47.

Dick: I mean, I gotta give it up to you. (claps) I'm applauding, but I gotta give it up to the Maddox brand. The Maddox idea. ( clapping sound effect) There you go.

Maddox: Very popular. Yeah. That's incredible. So, uh, we're kickin' ass. Thank you for the support.

Dick: Thank you for listening. And, I would like to say, that, uh, also, eff you, because all of this tracking has gotten you to install iTunes on your computer. A day that I thought would never happen! And you did it.

Maddox: Oh my gosh. What an incredible pain in my dick iTunes was to install. Like, it was INCREDIBLY difficult to install! It doesn't just work. I had to unpack it and install different modules separately, reboot my computer twice, uninstall Bonjour, their bullshit little app, which - I'm not even sure why I'm explaining this, because Apple users are non-technical and they don't understand anything.

Dick: A piece of software that my parents managed to install on their own, took you God knows how long with how many obstacles. I feel like you and computers, you're like that kid, Pig Pen, on Peanuts, with that cloud around him all the time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, your computers just fuck with you nonstop.

Maddox: No. It's not me, there are thousands of people who have the exact same issue, cause it's on forums everywhere. Error 127, or whatever the fuck that is. Thanks, Apple. Um, so, the problems last week.

Dick: Yes!

Maddox: Ugggh, Dick, here we go.

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: Number one, armchair psychologists.

Dick: Hahahaha, that's me!! (laughs maniacally) I'm the big winner!! (laughs)

Maddox: You're the big dick. There you go.

Dick: I'm the big winner. (laughs) You're new Coke, I'm regular Coke. I'm the winner. (Maddox laughs) I'm Jesse Owens, you're Hitler. In the 1930 Olympics. (Maddox laughs) I'm Ernie, and you're Bert from Sesame Street! (laughs)

Maddox: How is that…first of all, they're both winners. Okay. So the number 2 --

Dick: (interjects) Wait, because gay marriage is now legal, is that why they're both winners?

Maddox: Of course. I mean, everyone knows they're gay. Uh, the number 2 problem was…the movie Frozen!!

Dick: (laughing maniacally) Ohohoho!! Skunked! You got skunked, bro.

Maddox: Yeah. You know…you know what?

Dick: Two wins for Dick!!

Maddox: You know what, this is unprecedented. I am going to come out and say that I take full responsibility. This is my fault. I am disappointed in myself… for having dumbass fans.

Dick: No!

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: No, you brought bogus problems last week and the fans spoke. They recognized…what were your problems?

Maddox: The resolution race -

Dick: (interjects) The resolution…stupid. No one cares about that -

Maddox: (interjects) And then shy people.

Dick: Shy people.

Maddox: How is that not a problem?!

Dick: Because you came off like an asshole! (Maddox giggles) Yelling at shy people for being shy - so what?! So let them sit there!

Maddox: That's my website! That's my M.O.! That's what I do for a living!

Dick: No. You pick on…you…you are the David to like....Goliaths out there on your website, but shy people are like, just trying to mind their own business.

Maddox: No they're not!

Dick: Now you're just outside stomping on flowers!

Maddox: Pricks.

Dick: Wallflowers.

Maddox: No. Wrong. Wallflowers. (disdainful) Get out of here.

Dick: Alright. I got some comments. Brendan from Oakland…"I can't believe how well Dick won this week. Great job."

Maddox: Great.

Dick: That's a pretty unbiased comment.

Maddox: Ohh, of course. Brendan. Good job, Brendan. Idiot.

Dick: Here's a good one. Uhh…Matt Bertram…"Maddox's laugh sounds like a man shining my shoes."

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah. Uh, and then he left a…

Dick: (interjects) "I just want to be clear. That's a compliment." (quote continued)

Maddox: There we go. Yeah.

Dick: I don't know what that means.

Maddox: Well, you know, that's a very calming sound, right? The sound of a shoe being shined?

Dick: Oh. What about the laughter, though?

Maddox: That's what he's talking about. My laughter is very calming. It's a soothing laugh.

Dick: So you think that he is saying your laugh sounds like a guy shining shoes?

Maddox: Yeah. That's very calming.

Dick: I think he's saying that your laugh sounds like the laugh of a guy shining shoes.

Maddox: Ohhhh, I see. I see. Okay. Well, you know what? That's unclear, so it's on the fan.

Dick: Yeah, Matt, clear that up for us, please.

Maddox: Yeah, clear it up please, next episode.

Dick: Also, a couple of guys…what about that reproduction of the Mario sex drawing, and where is the Mario porn?

Maddox: Ohh, yeah. I need to draw that. You know, I launched a website a long time ago called "Commujism", and it's a website that I was going to create for communist-related porn. And…I started to draw some a long time ago and then I just lost interest. I made a really cool logo of like a fist in the air with like a used-up jizz towel in his hand.

Dick: What were your intentions with this site? Drawn Communist porn…

Maddox: I was gonna make it a custom porn site where people uploaded drawings of porn that they made. Um....and then I lost interest, so. I may resurrect it at some point.

Dick: Was this....was it for purposes of eroticism, or was it for purposes of comedy?

Maddox: Well, everything I do is for the purposes of eroticism. (sexy tone) (laughs)

Dick: Okay. Great. (sounds disgusted) You got any comments?

Maddox: Yeah, I do have some comments. This one came in an email from someone named "cockexpertwield", and he says "Hey Dick, your contribution to the podcast is uninteresting and you're always wrong." (laughs)

Dick: Oh. Well. (Maddox laughs) The voting disagrees with you, cock wielder guy.

Maddox: Bravo. know, "cockexpertwield". Then I got one from Richard Watkins. He said "I would never trust anything a Diet Coke drinker says." So, last episode, you talked about the Diet Coke challenge. You said you think that Diet Coke from McDonald's -

Dick: (interjects) Is the best. Diet Coke from McDonald's is superior to all other Diet Cokes. And everyone knows that.

Maddox: Well, ladies and gentleman, I have brought Diet Coke with me from a bunch of different sources. And I am here to test both Dick and Sean, because both of them claimed that Diet Coke from McDonald's…they can taste it, right?!

Dick: This is not us. Everyone knows this. Everyone in the world knows that Diet Coke from McDonald's is the best, by the way.

Maddox: No. That's bullshit. And…and by the way, I bought my Diet Coke from McDonald's in a medium cup, and it didn't leak.

Dick: You got…(stammers) you have to leave it out. (Maddox laughs) Like, you have to leave it out. Like, you have to leave it out for the sweat to start. The larges don't do that.

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah! That's condensation! That's not spilling, that's condensation.

Dick: No, the medium glass melts. It's made out of wax and it falls apart!

Maddox: They're all made out of the same material.

Dick: No they're not!! (snaps) The construction of the large is solid. It's like a piece of cardboard that's wrapped into a tube. The medium glass is full of…Sean! I…(stammers)....No, you know what, fuck you! I can do this myself. It's made out of wax. It feels like a ball of wax. You can scrape it off with your finger. You know exactly what I'm talking about if you really did…I don't actually think that you went to McDonald's if you don't think that the medium glass is made out of wax.

Maddox: It's in my fridge. You can check it right after the show. Let's…let's get this started. So, I have five different samples for Sean and Dick to test.

Dick: This is such a bullshit test. I am looking -

Maddox: (interjects) No, it's not a bullshit test.

Dick: I'm looking…you've got. First of all, did you piss in any of these? You've got five red cups full of a brown liquid.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Is there anything gross in any of these?

Maddox: Yeah, Diet Coke. (laughs)

Dick: Is there anything that…(sighs)…is there anything that I'm gonna be pissed off that I swallowed?

Maddox: You? No. Me? Absolutely. I hate Diet Coke. Just....drink the fucking soda....

Dick: No, cause I know you like slipping things into things that people eat.

Maddox: Okay. There's nothing in there that I put in there that I didn't get from the store.

Dick: Alright. I object to this test because -

Maddox: (interjects) Let's get this started. (light background game show music starts)

Dick: The whole point of the McDonald's Diet Coke is that you get it fresh and you drink it.

Maddox: "FRESH" soda. Get out of here.

Dick: It's the ice. It's the way the ice cools it down. It's the way…it's how fizzy it is…

Maddox: Oh my gosh. It's a's syrup. It's chemicals. You're not talking about…flowers.

Dick: So what do you have…these are all lettered.

Maddox: So they're lettered 'A' through 'E'. There's five of them.

Dick: Sean, take an 'A'.

Maddox: I want Sean - yeah. Both Sean and Dick are both trying an 'A' right now. And, by the way, I got a comment from Sandra Tovalin-Schmidt from Benedictine, Illinois. She says -

Dick: (interjects) It's not 'A'. First of all.

Maddox: Not 'A'?

Dick: 'A' tastes like it has whiskey in it.

Maddox: Well, let's write this down. Here, give me a pen right there.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Let's keep…yeah. Let's keep track. So, you're saying 'A'…okay. Dick says not 'A'. Sean says…what do you say, Sean? Is 'A' McDonald's, or not?

Sean: 'A' doesn't taste like McDonald's.

Maddox: 'A' doesn't taste like McDonald's. Okay. 'A' is out.

Dick: No for 'A'.

Maddox: No for 'A'.

Dick: Here's a 'B'.

Maddox: Trying 'B'.

Dick: By the way, if this was a real test -

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, you should write these down separately. Don't…don't say your answers -

Dick: (interjects) No, I'm writing - You can't remember our responses for five things? (incredulous, yelling)

Maddox: No no no. No, because your response is going to change Sean's answer. You guys can both like…yeah.

Dick: Sean and I have known each other a long time.

Maddox: Uh-huh. (skeptical)

Dick: He is not gonna do…Sean, you're not gonna change your answer based on what I say, are you?

Sean: No.

Maddox: Ugh, of course not! It's a psychological experiment. They've shown that people change their answers…

Dick: It's 'B'! It's 'B'.

Maddox: Okay, great. So, write that down. You think it's 'B'. What do you think, Sean?

Dick: I think 'B' is a maybe.

Maddox: 'B' is a maybe.

Sean: I don't know, but 'B' tastes way different than 'A'.

Maddox: Yeah, well, maybe. I mean, who knows. Who knows what's in there?

Dick: Oh, Sean's got water, too!?!?

Maddox: Well, yeah. He's taking swigs of water in between. You should have done that, as a scientist. So, lemme read Sandra's comment. She says, "McDonald's does have the best pop, and it's because they make it with love. Idiots. (buzzer sound effect) They have the best filtration system and are anal in maintaining it. Other than that, Maddox is still more awesome than you." So…

Dick: Yeah, but do you see what I'm saying?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Like, you do realize the difference between, like, a slap-dick organization like Wendy's, where anything goes when they fill up the Diet Coke, and McDonald's, where they're extremely regimented. They always do it the same....

Maddox: Oho…oh… (sarcastic) the highest quality and the most regimented product, from McDonald's. (laughs)

Sean: Well, stuff has gotta build up in those lines, though. Like, I'm just saying, '3', or 'C', or whatever it is, tastes different than all…tastes closer to regular Coke than either of the other ones. 'A' tastes like piss.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'A' tastes horrible.

Maddox: Okay, it tastes horrible, so…

Sean: They all taste different.

Maddox: Well, I'll tell you afterwards where the sources came from. But I argued with a girl for about half an hour, about....she believes that McDonald's does have different Diet Coke.

Dick: Okay, can you turn off the game show music, first of all?

Sean: Ugh, this is terrible again! 'D', or whatever. Yeah. 'D' tastes like shit!

Dick: Ooooh, I think it might be 'E'.

Maddox: 'E'…so…so…hold on. You thought it was 'A', you thought it was 'E'…you thought it was 'B'…which one - which one is McDonald's?

Dick: As I taste it, they seem to taste more McDonaldsey.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: First of all, these are all flat sodas.

Maddox: Of course they're flat.

Dick: Yeah, but that's…so, none of them are good.

Maddox: The carbonation doesn't add anything! Like, whatever. It's just carbonation.

Dick: What you're doing is, like, I'm saying I can identify, like, a beautiful painting (Maddox "Ugh"), and then you're showing me a painting taken with, like, a Nokia camera from 1992.

Maddox: Yes, but as long as…

Dick: (interjects) Like, here, is this a Renoir or not? Like, I have no idea, cause it's a picture of it!!

Maddox: But I'm showing you every picture taken with that same phone, so they're all consistent. They're all consistently bad.

Dick: They're all consistently bad.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. What, Sean?

Sean: Look, they're all flat. I can't tell you with certainty which one is the McDonald's. It may be 'E'. I think 'C' may have been Coke Zero, even. I'm not sure.

Maddox: Oh, ooh, okay.

Sean: 'B' was somewhat close, but 'A' and 'D' were awful. Definitely not McDonald's Coke, I don't believe. If one of those is…then, yeah. I have no idea, because those tasted like shit.

Maddox: Give me the pen, right there. So, you said 'A' and 'D' are definitely not McDonald's.

Sean: 'A' and 'D' are not.

Dick: What are we betting on this?

Sean: Those are the most -

Maddox: (interjects) Here's what I think you should have to bet.

Dick: Turn that music off. It's driving me crazy.

Maddox: Yeah yeah, we're done here. Alright. Here's what I think. Here's what I think. If you lose, you should have to get a tattoo.

Dick: Okay, no.

Maddox: That says…

Dick: (laughs) I am not doing a tattoo (incredulous)

Maddox: No no no, listen, listen. You can get it any size you want, anywhere you want on your body, except for your dick or your asshole, cause I'm not gonna inspect.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And…it has to say "Diet Dick". Anywhere on your body.

Dick: I am not getting a tattoo based on this shit experiment. If this was a real experiment, with fresh Diet Coke, I might consider that.

Maddox: It is fresh Diet Coke. It's less than an hour old.

Sean: And I have that tattoo.

Maddox: (laughs) You already have a Diet Dick tattoo?

Dick: But I'm not getting a tattoo!

Maddox: Why…aren't you getting a tattoo? You could get it anywhere.

Dick: Are you insane?! Why am I not getting a tattoo?! For this experiment?!

Maddox: You could get it on your pinky toe.

Dick: No! I'm not getting a fuckin' tattoo for this....for a bunch of flat sodas in red cups. Think about that.

Maddox: Okay. Addendum.

Dick: Think about that. Think about that. (Maddox laughs) Pick something that's not a tattoo, jackass!! (yells)

Maddox: Okay, cut your hair.

Dick: (laughs maniacally)

Maddox: Cut your stupid fucking hair. Dick has this giant, ridiculous, like, mop-top for a haircut.

Dick: Yeah, it's like a 70's rocker, man.

Maddox: Yeah, it's a 70's something. 70's like…

Dick: Yeah, like Slash. I look badass.

Maddox: 70's drug dealer.

Dick: Alright, um. I'm not gonna do that.

Maddox: Alright, what are you gonna do?

Dick: I'm not gonna do that. If you don't have a real thing -

Maddox: That was a real thing. I guess uh…so let the record state that Dick won't get a tattoo anywhere on his body, especially not his vagina.

Dick: If this was a real test, I might consider the hair cutting thing.

Maddox: Okay. So, what's your guess? What do you think is the Diet Coke?

Dick: With nothing at stake?

Maddox: Well, just get a haircut, man.

Dick: I am not getting a haircut.

Maddox: Shave off one eyebrow. How about I give you five bucks. Do you want (laughs) Is that what you want?

Dick: I'll take five bucks.

Maddox: These are all bad things. Okay, so what do you think?

Dick: Well, knowing you, you wouldn't have put it at the end. I think it's either 'C' or 'E', and knowing you, you wouldn't have put it at 'E' just to screw with me, cause that's too obvious.

Maddox: 'C' or 'E'.

Dick: 'E' tastes like flat…see, I know flat McDonald's Diet Coke too.

Maddox: Alright. Sean, what's your final answer?

Sean: I'm gonna go 'E'.

Dick: Okay, don't…don't tell us who won until the end of the show, by the way.

Maddox: Alright, end of the show. Here we go. You guys are getting cockteased. We'll find out at the end of the show.

Dick: I think…I'm gonna go 'C'.

Maddox: Okay. Alright, Dick goes 'C'.

Dick: Can you tell us where these Diet Cokes were from?

Maddox: I'll tell you at the end. I'll tell you everything at the end.

Dick: Can you tell me one of the sources?

Maddox: Yeah, a can. A can of Diet Coke.

Dick: I think I guessed the can. Shit, let me test it again.

Maddox: Oh, no no. You can't change your answer. You're locked in.

Dick: No, that's a can! 'C' is for can, too!

Maddox: You're locked in, buddy. Too late.

Dick: Alright, whatever. I'm going with 'C'.

Maddox: Alright, so uhh, go on. The first problem.

Dick: Cause if either Sean or I win, we win the point of the argument, which is that you can identify it.

Maddox: No! You both have to win, cause you both have to be consistent.

Dick: Nooo, 50-50 is pretty good!

Maddox: 50-50 is bullshit.

Dick: What? Sean, what do you want?

Sean: I think the fact that they're all different tells you that Diet Coke ain't Diet Coke.

Dick: Ohhhhh, he's right! So, because they're all different, we've proven that you can taste the difference and identify it over time. You are so full of shit if you can't admit that!

Maddox: First of all, Scientist Dipshit. You haven't proven anything. You just think it tastes different.

Dick: We all said that they tasted different.

Sean: They're WILDLY different.

Dick: They're WILDLY different, dude.

Maddox: (laughs) Well, I tasted them before. I disagree. So, we're not at a consensus. You haven't proven anything.

Dick: How do you taste things?

Maddox: With my mouth.

Dick: Do you eat like a seagull? Do you just pour it down your throat?

Maddox: No. (laughs) No. Let's get to the problems, man. What's your first problem?

Dick: My first problem is…not enough bartenders.

Maddox: (scoffs) Not enough bartenders.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. Big problem. Why?

Dick: I was at…no no no, I'll tell you why. I was at Tacolandia this weekend....

Maddox: Which is what?

Dick: It's an event where a company has figured out how to milk money from white people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like uhh....they rent out, like a big parking lot, and they have a bunch of food trucks show up. They sell tickets for like, 40$ a pop. You come in, you get all you can eat tacos, and you're SUPPOSED to be able to trade your drink tickets for drinks. HOWEVER, um, the line is 30 minutes long.

Maddox: Of course!

Dick: (stammers) But you're eating, like, spicy tacos.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They got like 5000 people showing up, 40$ a pop, and they have six bartenders to serve drinks to these people who are known for their complicate drinks.

Maddox: Right! That's capitalism, Dick! That's what all these things are. They're shitshows. Any kind of like, German Oktoberfest thing in a tent, they don't have enough bartenders cause they want to maximize their profit -

Dick: (interjects) Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa. German Oktoberfest? The German Oktoberfests are run like clockwork.

Maddox: Not in America.

Dick: Yeah - false. Alpine Village Oktoberfest, you can get absolutely s-faced.

Maddox: Yeah, I did, eventually, but after waiting 30 minutes at a time for a beer. And you have to hand in tickets. What's a system to hand in tickets? (disdainful)

Dick: There's no tickets at Alpine Village. It's all cash. I think you agree with what I'm saying, though.

Maddox: Yeah! No, it's a problem. But it's also a problem, like, at these events for suckers, because, why would you go there expecting to get any kind of decent service -

Dick: (interjects) Listen to me. You're saying it's like a capitalism thing -

Maddox: It is.

Dick: But, with the review I'm giving it, this is negative. Like, they want…To have a line at your bar is pissing money away.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: You're charging 8$ a drink. That's where you're making all your money. You should have a bartender for every person there. Just go pick up a bunch of guys from Home Depot and say "Hey 'ese', you're handing out beers all night." You'll make a fortune! (Maddox laughs) You'll make a fortune!

Maddox: Okay, sure. Why…what I don't understand is why they don't have, those soda machines, where you can like -

Dick: (interjects) For beers?

Maddox: Yeah, for beers.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Like 50 different beers and sodas and you can just, like, walk up to it and they've already checked your ID, or you can swipe it, cause every driver's license has a magnetic strip on it!

Dick: I'll do you one better! Grab a guy from Home Depot, (Maddox laughs) and have him just HAND OUT beers! That's all he does. The Shortstop does this. You know the Shortstop, that bar next to Dodgers Stadium?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, it gets so packed before the game that they have dudes standing in the bar only selling Pabst Blue Ribbon. 2$ or 3$ Pabst....Pabst Blue Ribbon. Handing them out.

Maddox: (sighs) Ugh. I'd rather dehydrate than drink Pabst Blue Ribbon. I'd rather dehydrate. I'd rather die. I think.

Dick: Well....

Maddox: It's so bad. Pabst Blue Ribbon is awful.

Dick: Yeah....I don't know. It's not great. I mean, I'm not a fan of it, but that's what they sell, cause that's the neighborhood they're in. They're in a hipster neighborhood.

Maddox: Mmyeah. So…not enough bartenders. So, again, Dick, you always do this. You bring in great problems sometimes, but terrible arguments! Like what…

Dick: Wait a minute, I haven't got to my argument.

Maddox: Okay, let's....yeah.

Dick: So, I was sitting there with…I had a punch card of five drinks. And I had only managed to punch two of them, with like, 20 minutes to go in the event. You understand what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I got in line, and waited, and I was like "Okay, I guess I'm just going to have to get like, three shots in here."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: I get up to the front and this muscle dummy security guard cuts the line off at this, like, young couple right in front of me. You know what I mean?

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Like, we can reach out and touch the bar, but he goes "No, no, that's it. You guys are cut off."

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Right at this…right at this young couple, because I think he knew he could get away with it. Cause they're just like, you know, they're, like, on a date. They're having a good time. They're looking to eat some tacos and get sauced up.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: So I'm thinking, I'll be damned if I'm gonna let this jerk screw up this date. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm a good wingman.

Maddox: Yeah, you are.

Dick: I am.

Maddox: You are. I'll give you that.

Dick: Thank you. For anybody!

Maddox: For real. Sincerely, you're a good wing man.

Dick: Thank you. For, like, the people.

Maddox: Wait, wait wait. Addendum: When you're not super drunk.

Dick: Yes. Okay, I will give you that. So I said, "Dude, the bar is still open, get out of here. Like, what do you mean, the bar is closed? When does it close?" And he goes "Uhh…6:25." And I said, "Okay, okay, uhh....fucker…I see your watch. It's not 6:25. Bar's open." And I did. (Maddox laughs) And he goes "Oh, well my digital watch says it is 6:25." And I was like "Alright, let's see it!" So he gets his phone out, and sure enough, it's 6:25.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: I was like alright, dude, whatever. So, he calls it in. And they extend the bar hours for 5 more minutes.

Maddox: Oh, great.

Dick: Just for us.

Maddox: Okay. So he did you a solid. Kind of.

Dick: And I did that couple a solid.

Maddox: Oh, I thought he cut off the couple before they got up.

Dick: Well they were in front of me.

Maddox: They were in front of you. Okay.

Dick: So I extended know.

Maddox: So you hooked 'em up.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Very nice of you. Gentlemanly.

Dick: Yeah! But these guys…what, this couple's not drinking? That's a big problem!! That's young love.

Maddox: (laughing) Dick, since when do you care about young love?

Dick: (laughing) Since it involves me having a can of Margarita…what is that, Limerita? What is the Bud Light thing with lime in it called? It's disgusting, but that's what they gave me. They wouldn't pour me a drink, so they gave me --

Maddox: (interjects) Ehhh, I don't mind it.

Dick: Three crappy Bud Lights with lime in them.

Maddox: Yeah. It's such a shitshow. Why would you even submit yourself to - First of all, you have to pay…I hate any of these events where you have to pay and then you're herded in like cattle and you have to stay in a circle and wait in line for fucking 40 minutes when you wouldn't any other time.

Dick: Dude, you know what I did?

Maddox: Hmm?

Dick: You're absolutely right, so I scalped this girl's ticket as she was coming out....

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And she had already walked in, and like, gotten her ticket scanned, so I just put on her band and got scanned like I was coming back in…

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: And I totally scooted past, like, the hour-long wait.

Maddox: Oh, that's great. I do like scamming bullshit lines like that. Cause it's a bullshit line! They always say "Oh, Fire Marshal...." Whatever. It's not a fire thing.

Dick: It was outside!

Maddox: Yeah, of course! It's always outside. Who's the comedian, I think it's Mitch Hedberg. He says "If you're flammable, you're never blocking a fire exit."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: That's pretty funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So that's my problem.

Maddox: Yeah. Not (laughs).... Not enough bartenders, because you can't get enough booze quickly enough.

Dick: NO ONE can get it!!

Maddox: No.

Dick: Like, it ruins everyone's good time.

Maddox: So, how is this a universal problem? Like, how-

Dick: (interjects) I'm sure they will have bartenders in space!

Maddox: Tell that to an Ethiopian. Like, if you go to Ethiopia and you say, "Hey man, you know what a big problem is? Not enough bartenders." And they'll be like "Yeah man, I get you." You think that's gonna happen? You think that would happen?

Dick: Uhh…do I think an Ethiopian would want…yeah! If my life was as miserable as an Etiopian's, I would want liquor as fast as possible.

Maddox: Cause I tell you, they sure as shit would be angry about the high resolution race. (laughs) A real problem.

Dick: I have a solution for this one, though.

Maddox: Oh yeah? What's the solution? More bartenders?

Dick: No. Well, kind of.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a deputy bartender program. Okay?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So like, you know how, like, in the Wild West, people could get deputized cause there weren't enough cops or lawmen? This can get trained and like, licensed by the government, to be, like, a deputy bartender…

Maddox: (laughs) Okay.

Dick: So if you see that this is happening, like if you see there's a big line, people like me can go, like, "Okay, hold on, I'm a deputy bartender. I can get back here and serve some drinks."

Maddox: Alright, you know, I'm on board with that. That's a cool program.

Dick: Yeah, that would be cool, right?

Maddox: You could get a badge.

Dick: Yeah, of COURSE you get a badge!! What are you talking about?!

Maddox: Alright, yeahhh. And I would wear spurs and cowboy boots, and a hat. A cowboy hat.

Dick: Alright, but just keep that under wraps until I get this program going. That's the kind of talk that sinks a program like this.

Maddox: (laughs) Why, cause they think it's too cool? They don't wanna initiate it? It's too cool?

Dick: No, I'm dead serious about this!

Maddox: Yeah yeah! No, me too!

Dick: I'm not making it a goofy cowboy thing.

Maddox: It's not goofy. I always wear cowboy hats seriously (laughs)

Dick: I think I would wear like a Patrick Swayze, or a cocktail outfit, like those tight pants and no shirt, with like, a rag.

Maddox: Mm, gross. (Dick laughs) That's gross, dude.

Dick: Alright. That's my problem.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: It's a pretty big problem.

Maddox: Well, it is A problem. You know, again, I really meant what I said last time. We're not always gonna bring in the biggest problem in the universe. We're eventually going to get all of the problems from ants to AIDS.

Dick: Wait a minute. What's a bigger problem than that?

Maddox: Pretty much anything we've talked about on the show, including your bullshit movie Frozen problem, which ISN'T a problem at all, by the way, you idiot.

Dick: No no no no, you gotta understand something. Life, where you encounter this stuff, is your universe.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Like you're saying the universe like it's a big thing, but everything you know about the universe is what you experience every day. And this is a big problem.

Maddox: Not true.

Dick: Yes it is!!

Maddox: I've never experienced a supernova.

Dick: This ruined my whole week! A supernova wouldn't even be a problem. It's just over. That's it. (Maddox laughs) There's thousands of them happening all the time, probably. I don't know, I'm not Neil DeGrasse Tyson. I don't have all the facts over here about when supernovas are happening! But they're not a problem, cause they're happening way out in the middle of nowhere.

Maddox: Wait, they are a problem, and they're going to be on this episode eventually, in a future episode. Supernovas?

Dick: They're not as....okay, they're a problem, but they're not as big of a problem as not enough bartenders.

Maddox: Wrong! False. Absolutely. Wrong. (buzzer sound effect)

Dick: You know what the problem is with a supernova? Kills all the bartenders.

Maddox: Ugh, my god.

Dick: That's the real problem with the supernova is that it wipes everything out!

Maddox: Get out of here with your bartenders. Let's get to a real problem.

Dick: Kay.

Maddox: This is a universal problem. My first problem this week is "the Webby Awards".

Dick: What's that?

Maddox: Okay. Well, (laughs) it's this online award.

Dick: Is it something that's dumb? Cause it sounds dumb.

Maddox: It's super dumb. It's the dumbest. It's this online award. It's been going on since basically the Internet existed. And there's this organization called the "Webbys" and they give out awards to different, like, internet websites and stuff like that. And I thought…when I first heard of this, I was like "Oh, okay, so the Internet gets its own dog and pony show, kinda like the Oscars for movies or the Emmys for TV, or, you know, the Grammys, or the Tonys, or whatever." I'm like "Okay, great, the Internet gets one."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So I was like, alright, I'm on board with this. Let's see which Internet properties…

Dick: (interjects) I love it. You're such a sucker. Like, the second I hear about awards, the first thing I think is "Scam.", and you think "Oh, cool, maybe somebody is doing this right."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Never gonna happen.

Maddox: Cause I'm an optimist. That's what I am. (Dick laughs) A very positive optimist.

Dick: Yeah. (laughs)

Maddox: That's me.

Dick: There's an optimist born every minute. Have you ever heard that saying?

Maddox: Uhhh, I don't think the word is optimist. (Maddox laughs) So, I looked at the Webby Awards this year and guess who won for "Best News"? "Best Online News".

Dick: The Daily Show.

Maddox: No.

Dick: The Onion?

Maddox: The New York Times.

Dick: Oh....

Maddox: The New York Times (incredulous) won a Webby Award. So, I have a question to the Webby committee. This is a serious question. Who the fuck do you think you are? (Dick laughs) Huh? Who the fuck…who do you think you are to give the New York Times your bullshit little nickel-and-dime award. Do you think they give a fuck about having a Webby? They wouldn't even deign to put a Webby on their website. That would insult them. (yelling) That would bring down their credibility if they said they "earned a Webby". Cause the New York Times has received two Nobel Prizes -

Dick: (interjects) Have they really?

Maddox: Yeah. Two Nobel Prizes -

Dick: (interjects) For what?

Maddox: For expressive journalism.

Dick: That's Nobel Prize?!

Maddox: Yeah. A bunch of like....Chicago Tribune has gotten one. I think they stopped doing it in 1997, but -

Dick: (interjects) Can I say something really quick? That's just the Nobel Prize committee trying to get free advertising in the New York Times. That's the Nobel Prize committee giving a fake-ass award, just like the Webbys, to try to get their newspaper.

Maddox: (sighs) Okay, you're wrong. Except, they also give a million dollars. So it's not a fake-ass award. There's an actual monetary compensation here.

Dick: Okay. What else have they won?

Maddox: They received 101 George Polk awards and they've received 112 Pulitzer Prizes.

Dick: What's a George Polk award?

Maddox: It's for journalism.

Dick: I give a "polk" award to every girl I've ever banged! (laughs)

Maddox: Oh my God, get outta here. Ugh. Terrible. As you finish your disgusting Diet Coke. So, the New York Time has won legitimate awards. It's a legitimate journalist outfit.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They don't need your Webby. You know who does need your Webby? Some dickhead who started out his little news website in his garage…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who is trying to do something independently. Who embodies the spirit of the Internet. Not the New York fucking Times, that's older than this country. Like, we don't need more recognition....

Dick: Wait, what?

Maddox: Well, it's not really, but you know, it's an exaggeration.

Dick: Cause it's New York, that's why. Cause the name is the New York Times, it's not older than the country.

Maddox: No no, I know, that was a joke.

Dick: Oh, okay. Okay.

Maddox: So, the best game or application. Here are the nominees.

Dick: Wait a minute, hold on, hold on, I have a question, though.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What did the New York Times do?

Maddox: For the Webby?

Dick: Yeah. Did they even notice?

Maddox: They just existed. So hoooo, let's congratulate people who don't need more congratulations. Oh, and by the way, the runners up were the Guardian, you know, Variety Magazine, and Rolling Stone (incredulous)

Dick: So they're like, the top of mind newspapers?

Maddox: Yeah, they're just giving people who already get all the accolades and congratulations in the world, more awards, that they don't need, and don't even give a FUCK about. The Rolling Stone wouldn't mention that they got a Webby, and even if they did, that would make them sound stupid. That would be like…

Dick: That's weird.

Maddox: know what, I'm going to create an award show and I'm going to give Rolling Stone Magazine an award. That's bullshit!

Dick: Those places are also not known for, like, their traffic, right? So if the Webbys are trying to get recognition, wouldn't they try to bait, like, a big online news site? I mean, I'm thinking of it from a point of pure cynicism, that the Webby committee sat there and said "How can we get as much attention as possible?" Wouldn't they want to target, like, a big online news site, that's likely to link to them?

Maddox: No, because the exact opposite is true. The bigger the online new site, the less likely they are to link to them.

Dick: Right!

Maddox: The smaller guys, like me, who might actually give a shit....

Dick: Who get suckered into this....

Maddox: Yeah, who might get suckered into this…which I don't, by the way. I will always reject Webbys, so long as it's this bullshit little thing where they're giving celebrities (disdainful)....and that's who hosts their show! Celebrities! They get Kevin Spacey and Patton Oswalt, all these, like, celebrities, to host their show!

Dick: To host the Webbys?

Maddox: To host the Webbys, yeah.

Dick: That's pretty cool.

Maddox: And by the way, I love Patton, he's great.

Dick: That's pretty cool. Kevin Spacey.

Maddox: Yeah, but he doesn't represent the Internet! When I think the Internet, I don't think Kevin Spacey! (yelling)

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox: He has nothing to do with the Internet.

Dick: Yeah, you know who they should have asked? You. Right? (Maddox laughs) Is that what you're thinking? Are you pissed off? Sure you would!! Come on!!!

Maddox: I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

Dick: You'd host the Webbys!!

Maddox: No. Actually, I think -

Dick: (interjects) No, look at me! Yeah you would.

Maddox: I think Patton -

Dick: (interjects) Look me in the eyes, I know when you're lying!!

Maddox: If the Webby changed fundamentally and they changed and they stopped awarding the New York Times and popular celebrities awards…

Dick: Yeah, that's....that's stupid.

Maddox: Then maybe I would consider it. But not this fucking bullshit.

Dick: They've lost their integrity.

Maddox: They never had it!! (laughs)

Dick: They should be honoring, like, homegrown heroes. Like you.

Maddox: Well....(stammers) not necessarily....

Dick: I'm saying that seriously!

Maddox: Well, okay, sure, I agree. Like, it should be Internet properties. Things that were born and raised on the Internet. That's what the Webby is! The word "web" is in the name, is in the title!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, uh, the best game, or application, is....

Dick: Wait, wait, lemme guess.

Maddox: You won't get this.

Dick: No no no, cause I'm trying to think of the worst one, like what the best game would be. Scrabble?

Maddox: Actually, Scrabble was a runner up. (Dick cracks up)

Dick: Monopoly! No, no, Hopscotch!!

Maddox: You're not gonna get this. You're not gonna get this.

Dick: Rock, Paper, Scissors!

Maddox: You will not get this.

Dick: Was that on the list?

Maddox: No, no no.

Dick: Okay, what is it?

Maddox: It's The Scarecrow, and it's…The Scarecrow is an ad campaign that Chipotle came out with last year, where it was this, like, 10-minute short about a scarecrow who is living in this futuristic 1984-style world, where it's all industrial, and he finds this nice little farm that produces chickens without hormones or antibiotics, or whatever, and that's what they use for Chipotle. So, it's by the Creative Artists Agency.

Dick: That was a game?

Maddox: Yeah, they made a…

Dick: Oh, it was by CAA?

Maddox: Yeah, CAA. The Creative Artists Agency. The number 1, the largest agency in the world. They gave CAA an award.

Dick: A Webby.

Maddox: CAA wouldn't wipe their ASS with a Webby. They don't give a fuck about your little podunk bullshit little award. And it's sponsored by Chipotle. How is anyone realistically…

Dick: How is this a Webby?

Maddox: How is anyone indie supposed to compete with that?

Dick: But it's also an ad, right? It's not a game. Shouldn't it get a Clio?

Maddox: Oh, yeah. I'm sure they did get a Clio! But they also got a Webby.

Dick: No, I don't think they did, cause that doesn't sound like the best ad of the year, but like, what's going on at the Webbys, do you think?

Maddox: It was up there. It went viral. Well, here are the runners up: They gave Adidas' NitroCharge game a Webby.

Dick: Going viral is not the only criteria for a good ad, though. There's some artistry in there.

Maddox: Well there's definitely a…I'll say this. It's a decent ad. I'm not saying it deserves a Webby, because it's sponsored by Chipotle.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Then there's Adidas' NitroCharge game, and then there's Assassin's Creed: Black Flag Defy History. Assassin's Creed got a Webby.

Dick: So, what should have won?

Maddox: I don't know, some, like flash game that somebody made.

Dick: Like, what was a big one?

Maddox: What was a big flash game?

Dick: Can you think of a big flash game from last year?

Maddox: Actually, they did give a Webby to somebody who did an independent HTML5 game called something like "Run and Jump", or something like that, and it's a full screen kind of tunnel Synesthesia-style game. It's....I mean, they did give one to one of those. So, the runners up were Perrier water, which is also an ad game. For sports, guess who won the first prize?

Dick: Magic Johnson.

Maddox: Nike! Nike!

Dick: Jesus, I never would have guessed Nike.

Maddox: And then Red Bull. GQ. Red Bull again, and then Sports Illustrated. Oh thank you. Thank you for congratulating Sports Illustrated. Cause they were really worried about not getting an award this year. (laughs)

Dick: Can I ask you something?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When did this happen? Like, did you look back at the older Webbys to see what they were awarding in the past?

Maddox: It's always been this shit show. It's always been this bullshit.

Dick: Oh, really?

Maddox: It's always been like this. And that's why nobody gives a fuck about the Webbys. And no one will EVER give a fuck about the Webbys. It's always this…Cause they're sucking celebrity dick. That's what they love. That's all they care about, is celebrity, celebrity, celebrity. So they have the hosting, they have the award show…

Dick: Wait a minute, though. Wait a minute. Before you start playing the stuff, how is this different than any other award?

Maddox: Well, the difference is, at least the Oscars are industry related. So they're congratulating, they're giving awards to themselves.

Dick: But they always give awards to the biggest movies.

Maddox: Well yeah, but…

Dick: Like, the biggest movie of the year, it's always like, "Oh, American Hustle." And "Oh, lookit, there's a bunch of movies that everybody saw."

Maddox: Yeah, but the Oscars are by celebrities, for celebrities. The Webbys are by the Internet, for celebrities. Do you see the problem?

Dick: No, I don't see the problem. I see the logical inconsistency, but I definitely don't see a problem with another organization blowing celebrities.

Maddox: Well the problem is, first of all, it's a waste of time and energy, and money.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? This is something....they could actually be a force for good on the Internet. They could be promoting small properties into legitimate operations! Actually, one of them....

Dick: (interjects) So why don't you have like, your own awards? The Maddox Awards?

Maddox: Yeah, I may at some point. I may at some point. But I don't think the type of people (laughs)… I think I'm too polarizing to give awards to people.

Dick: Pish posh. You're an…you're an all audiences kind of guy. (laughs) What would you award? What's some of your favorites from the year?

Maddox: Newgrounds. I like Newgrounds a lot.

Dick: As what?

Maddox: A game website. A game portal. The best game portal is

Dick: What else?

Maddox: Well, you're putting me on the spot. I haven't thought about this.

Dick: Like best mauling by a polar bear on Youtube?

Maddox: (laughs) The best mauling…Yeah, actually, that sounds great. The best mauling by a polar bear.

Dick: Yeah, I thought so.

Maddox: The best…you know, there are these videos on Youtube (laughs) and you should go search for them. They're just women walking upstairs. And....they're the best. It's just slow motion videos of just chicks walking upstairs.

Dick: That sounds like a good award. Best Youtube Series. Chicks walking upstairs.

Maddox: Chicks walking upstairs. And sometimes, there's hip-hop playing. So....

Dick: So you can mute that. No problem. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Great. (laughs)

Dick: That's the sound of a man shining your shoes. Right? That laughter right there. I guess.

Maddox: Yeah. That's it right there.

Dick: I guess. I don't understand why.

Maddox: So this is…

Dick: (interjects) I think it's cause it's so wholesome! It's such a wholesome laugh.

Maddox: It's a wholesome laugh, yeah.

Dick: It's like an old world comforting laugh.

Maddox: It's a guy who knows an honest day's work. Right? An honest day's work.

Dick: Uhhh, well…yeah.

Maddox: That's me.

Dick: That's you?

Maddox: That's me. That's me to a tee. That's the first thing it says on my resume. I know an honest day's work.

Dick: You have a resume? (scoffs) (laughs)

Maddox: No, I don't. (Dick laughs) I haven't made a resume in at least 12 years. No, longer than that.

Dick: Yeah, you have a good laugh. I think my laugh kinda sounds like I'm a prick.

Maddox: Yeah, you do. You are.

Dick: Yeah. Oh. I'll work on it.

Maddox: But a lovable prick. So okay. Here this is the award show. They asked Patti Smith, the punk rocker, Patti Smith....

Dick: I don't know who that is.

Maddox: I didn't either. I had to Wikipedia it. She is known as the queen of punk rock. She introduced the Webby Award, listen to this one, for best actress.

Recording: "The 2014 Webby Best Actress is being honored for her work on our Netflix Original Series, Orange Is the New Black."

Dick: How much do you think she smokes every day?

Maddox: Sorry. You talked over the line.

Dick: I mean listen to her. "Aaaaaaaaaaaeeehhhhhhh." (laughs) "Next up on the Award Show" (making smoker voice)

Maddox: Well, she awarded…

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: I'm going to have to play the whole clip over. So, she awarded the show…

Dick: I didn't know that, I apologize.

Maddox: Yeah. She awarded the show, the Best Actress Award, to the actress from Orange Is The New Black. The Netflix Original.

Dick: Uhhhhhhhhh…

Maddox: Is that an Internet property now? Is that what we're considering an Internet property?

Dick: Dude, maybe....yeah!! Cause it's not anywhere else. It's on the Internet. It's Internet based.

Maddox: But it's....

Dick: You were complaining about it last week, taking up like 30% of Internet traffic, weren't you? WEREN'T YOU?

Maddox: Yeah, but Netflix is a huge…(stammers) it's not like a little indie Internet operation. Kevin Spacey is not an Internet guy. I wouldn't give Kevin Spacey an Internet award.

Dick: Yeah, but wait a minute, I'm thinking…but Netflix grew out of the Internet. Without the Internet…that's where they started.

Maddox: Yeah, so give Netflix an award....

Dick: I just think that's the only example of a good Webby award, is Orange Is The New Black.

Maddox: Kind of. But it's not really…it's not made's not a general Internet property. It's something that was created for Netflix. Like, would you give George Clooney an award because his movie Syriana was on Netflix? Like okay, well, George Clooney is know, yeah. Any movie that's on Netflix isn't suddenly an Internet property.

Dick: I would give George Clooney an award for that thing he does with his eyes, that I do to chicks all the time.

Maddox: You don't do that.

Dick: You know, where you do the bottom of your eyelids, you like, make them tight when you're looking them in the eyes....

Maddox: No, you definitely don't do that.

Dick: He does that.

Maddox: Yeah, I know HE does that.

Dick: Like, when he's doing romantic…oh, you're saying that I don't do that?

Maddox: No, you don't do that. No.

Dick: I'm gonna do it to you right now. Watch. (pause)

Maddox: Gross.

Dick: See? Isn't that erotic?

Maddox: Gross. No. No. Not in the

Dick: No, the Syriana thing isn't the same, though. That network comes from the Internet.

Maddox: The difference is, Orange Is The New Black was a made show and it was licensed by Netflix and you know, the terms of the licensing agreement may expire at some point and someone else may be able to syndicate it, or maybe they have it in perpetuity, we don't know, but the thing is, it's a licensed content. It's basically a TV show that was created and Netflix licensed it. That's all it is. It's not something that Internet people created. That's not…that's a huge studio with actual producers and directors....

Dick: So you want something for the little guys.

Maddox: That's what the Webby Awards should be.

Dick: Should be.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is there any real award show for the little guys? You're always about the little guys, man. The little guys get enough attention. (Maddox laughs) What about the Netflix? What about the big guys in the world, the celebrities?

Maddox: What about the Kevin Spaceys of this world? (laughs)

Dick: Yeah! The little guys are used to not winning awards! Celebrities, man, they need awards all the time, to live.

Maddox: They gave, like, NPR an award. And again, they gave The Scarecrow, the Chipotle commercial, from Creative Artists Agency, the biggest agency in the world, they gave them another Webby Award. They gave them like three awards. Like, how much can you suck one agency's dick?

Dick: It's a clean sweep, man. Just like my problems this week.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. Well, oh, yeah, okay.

Dick: Clean sweep.

Maddox: Let's get to your next one.

Dick: Alright. My next problem…So, I disagree with you about this just being a list of problems. I think it's really the biggest problem in the universe.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So I brought in a very big problem.

Maddox: Alright, let's hear it.

Dick: Global warming.

Maddox: Okay. Alright.

Dick: I mean, what is…Give me one reason why it's a problem.

Maddox: (long sigh) Here we go. Ohh boy.

Dick: Seriously!

Maddox: Here we go. Okay, first of all, "global warming", that phrase, "global warming" is…

Dick: (interjects) That's my problem.

Maddox: …is kind of outdated. It's no longer global warming, it's global climate change. Because it's not just that the world is getting warmer, it's certain areas that are supposed to be cold get warmer, other areas that are supposed to be warm get colder. So it's climate change. It's an overall net effect.

Dick: Why would they rebrand it? Global warming had such a nice ring to it.

Maddox: Because it's more nuanced. It's no longer global…it's not just global warming.

Dick: Aww, jeez.

Maddox: There's also an effect that Nova did a documentary about called "global dimming", because the same process that is...that warming in certain other areas, deflects sunlight, like in…I forget which regions, but…

Dick: Is it Never-Never Land? In that region? (laughs)

Maddox: Oh my gosh. Alright. (Dick laughs) Sorry guys, you tuned into the Biggest Problem in The Universe. (Dick still cackling) What you got instead was the Glenn Beck radio program.

Dick: No, I don't…w-w-what are you talkin' about?! (yelling) I'm not saying it's not happening. I'm just saying what the hell is the big deal?!

Maddox: Are you serious? Like…do you want me to just pull up Wikipedia and like,

Dick: You can do that.

Maddox: Do you want me to enroll you in a Climatology class? Like, what do you want? What exactly…

Dick: No, I don't want that.

Maddox: How is it…it's a big problem because of numerous things. First of all, temperatures rise and crops die. We get droughts. We get more intense hurricanes…

Dick: Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: So, me using squiggly light bulbs is stopping all the crops from dying and there being a Dust Bowl? Really?

Maddox: I don't. I don't…uh…(stammers) Okay. That's a straw man attack. I'm not sure…

Dick: (interjects) How is that…look, that's what it is to me. I gotta use dumb squiggly lightbulbs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: People yell at me when I leave the shower on.

Maddox: (laughing) Why do you leave the shower on?

Dick: Cause I like letting the shower warm up before I get in there.

Maddox: Well, that's different. Do you leave it on after you're done?

Dick: Sometimes…sometimes I actually just go in there and take a nap. (Maddox laughs) I do that at hotels, like when I go to Vegas and I'm hung over.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I like the white noise of the shower, so I'll get up in the morning, turn the shower on, and just lay on the floor for…

Maddox: You know what? I honestly don't have a problem with that. You should be able to sleep in the shower. Cause until Las Vegas is decimated…until Dubai is decimated, these cities cannot possibly exist in the future. They are absolutely unsustainable. Like, especially Dubai. Have you ever been to Dubai?

Dick: No. (incredulous)

Maddox: So, I went there a long time ago with my friend, and my friend asked "Do you think this city will be around?"

Dick: (interjects) A friend. What kind of friend are we talkin' about? A lady friend?

Maddox: (suggestive) It was a lady friend.

Dick: Alriiiight. (suggestive)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. WAS. WAS is the operative word.

Dick: Ohh, okay. We don't need to get into the specifics of it.

Maddox: So anyway. We went to Dubai...

Dick: (interjects) So you took a beautiful lady friend to Dubai…(suggestive)

Maddox: Yeah, so. And she said, "Well, do you think it'll be around for a while?" And I said "There's just no fucking way." You just look around, there's too much of everything, and you can't survive in the desert! (laughs) It's like 120 degrees. You cannot survive without air conditioning.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So everybody…I mean, everything is artificial. Electricity is running all day long. They have a ski slope in Dubai.

Dick: (interjects) Cool!

Maddox: Like, it's completely unsustainable. Las Vegas needs to be decimated. Dubai needs to be decimated…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but say "Needs to be", but I'll tell you what these cities can run on, is money, like, indefinitely. (Maddox scoffs)

Maddox: Okay. I mean, that money works irrespective of the environment, so…

Dick: Yeah! So keep piping that environment in. No big deal.

Maddox: (Giggles) Okay, great.

Dick: Okay, so. Dust Bowl. I'm writing down your problems with global warming. Dust Bowl.

Maddox: Potentially.

Dick: Check that off.

Maddox: Famine, drought.

Dick: Famine…hold on.

Maddox: Rising ocean levels.

Dick: Okay, that's…okay, that's a big one. Rising ocean levels. So what, what, we're losing a bunch of buildings?

Maddox: Not…it's not uh…you know, it's not as intense yet, but…

Dick: (interjects) My…my landlord raised my rent 40$ this week, per month…

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: I wouldn't mind his building getting knocked out.

Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah, I wouldn't either. Yeah, that'd be pretty funny.

Dick: You know? So I'll just move in a little bit.

Maddox: No, I'm…I'm on board with that.

Dick: I'm gonna go buy some desert property like Lex Luthor. Bring it on!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm gonna be camped out right where the beach is gonna be.

Maddox: So here's the thing. If I …if I say anything in defense of global climate change, then I'm gonna sound like a bleeding heart liberal, which I'm not. I'm not a Liberal, and I'm not a Conservative. But I do wanna say this…here's the thing about global climate change. Back in the 70's, or 60's…whenever these models first came out, scientists were predicting these models back then.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the argument against these models came from the Conservative side, and they said "No, it doesn't exist." Well, over time, the evidence became irrefutable, and their argument changed. They said "Okay, well, it exists, but it's not manmade." So, now, they're kind of shifting…

Dick: (interjects) But, but, you're just giving, like, liberal talking points.

Maddox: No, no, but…

Dick: (interjects) Like, I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying I don't care.

Maddox: You know who I trust?

Dick: Okay, go ahead.

Maddox: Who I trust are the people who had a model and predicted it to begin with. The side on the right didn't predict shit. And…follow the money. The money is always with the oil companies. Oil companies are paying for studies to counter climate change scientists. Like, oil companies have a vested interest in preventing any kind of legislation that prevents any kind of emissions, caps, or anything like that. So I don't trust the oil companies. I trust scientists more than oil companies.

Dick: You trust scientists?

Maddox: More than oil companies, yes.

Dick: (interjects) Lemme ask…lemme ask you something. How do you think science grants work?

Maddox: Well, I don't know. I've never received one.

Dick: They have to work around the year ginning up money from people who have it to fund their experiments.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: And then…those experiments better pay off. They better have found what they were looking for. Do you know what I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah…(grudging)

Dick: Like, you're saying science…you're treating science like it's a religion. It's not. It's just a bunch of dummies in labs trying to make money.

Maddox: Yeah, well…science to me is not the end-all, be-all. I mean, I agree with that…

Dick: (interjects) I think it is to a lot of people.

Maddox: To a lot of people, sure.

Dick: You know what I'm sayin'? Like, here's…here's…you know what? I'll be serious with you. Um, it seems like every time global warming comes up online, people just get IRATE.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What is the DEAL with that? Like, what else to people get so angry about?

Maddox: Abortion. Planned parenthood.

Dick: I mean…w-w-like…what are they so afraid of? Right? Do you know what I'm saying at all? Why is everyone so pissed off about this?

Maddox: About…

Dick: Global warming!

Maddox: About the global warming?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Well, I…I…feel like the people on the left…

Dick: (interjects) Like, what are you gonna go yell at China! "Hey you guys, stop making cement over here!! Stop all these emissions!" Like, good luck!

Maddox: So, yeah…yeah. I-I can acknowledge the problem, but...

Dick: (interjects) How do you say "holocaust" in Chinese, cause that's your only argument on this side. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: I can say…I can say that I can acknowledge the problem, but I'm not sure what the solution is and I don't agree entirely with the left's solution. Because if we legislate…let's say, let's say we waved a magic wand and we made America…

Dick: (interjects) And ALL of the light bulbs are squiggly light bulbs.

Maddox: Yeah. All of the light bulbs are low emission…

Dick: And I'm driving an electric car powered by a nuclear…powered by a bunch of windmills, excuse me, we can't have nuclear reactors.

Maddox: Fairies. Yeah, sure. Windmills and fairies and clean coal techno…whatever new thing is…right? That massages the energy out of the earth. Whatever that magic technology is…let's say we waved a magic wand and did that.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Do you think China's gonna give a shit?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Of course not.

Dick: No.

Maddox: China is soon becoming, if not already, the largest polluter in the world. We can't legislate the world.

Dick: There's a pollution gap. We can't let that happen. (Maddox giggles) Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Remember when the Russians had all the bombs and we were racing them with bombs?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We gotta pollute just as much as those damn Chinese.

Maddox: Oh…what do you call it. So, we had the Cold War, what is this, the Smog War?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeeeeah! The Smog War! I like that, it's like a Godzilla movie.

Dick: Do you know what I'm saying? Cause I think I'm making sense. I'm not just being a jackass.

Maddox: Nah, I disagree. (laughs) You are definitely being a jackass.

Dick: But it's like, it's like…no no no. It's like, I was up at my sister's house and I left the shower on. Like, I like turn the shower on, then I'll go get some coffee, and have a conversation.

Maddox: (laughing) Sure.

Dick: Then I'll come back up and take my shower.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And I'm downstairs and she yells at me for leaving the shower on, and I'm like "Whatever". I get home, and there is a fire hydrant in the middle of the street in Hollywood spraying out water…(incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How many hundreds of gallons per second…

Maddox: Right. Right.

Dick: And it''s taped off with police tape that has clearly been there for the whole weekend.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I'm like…"What are you doing? Why are you stressing out over 5 minutes of unoccupied shower, when there is a broken fire hydrant dumping water into the street?!"

Maddox: Oh, my god. Yeah, it gets even worse than that.

Dick: Who cares?!

Maddox: Exactly. I'm on board with that. Because, until the government takes their own water usage seriously, I don't give a fuck if I leave the tap running a few extra seconds. I have a friend who…

Dick: (interjects) I have my tap on right now at home!

Maddox: (laughs) My toilet's been running since I moved into this apartment. I haven't bothered to tell my landlord.

Dick: Oh, that actually did happen to me! I have one of those stupid Flush-O-Matic toilets...

Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah.

Dick: Like, it doesn't have a tank. I flushed it and it broke. It wouldn't flush, I think because I tried to flush a condom down it.

Maddox: Ohh, gross dude.

Dick: And you're not supposed to do that. And I looked up online if you're supposed to do that, and it said "Don't." And I was like "Ah, fuck it, I'm gonna do it anyway."

Maddox: Ew.

Dick: And sure enough, it jammed. (laughs)

Maddox: You know what…you know that condom is full of your poop, now. It's probably like, jammed up in the hole and you just got, like, poop in the condom, cause your turds go down there…

Dick: Oh, I didn't poop in it after it was stuck.

Maddox: No no, but your turds…like, your condom is probably lodged in the…

Dick: I don't think about what happens to my condom when I'm done with it!! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, it's got poop in it.

Dick: Anyway. I called the (Maddox laughs) maintenance guy and he's like "Ahh, I'll fix it tomorrow." I'm like, "Okay, so I guess this toilet's just gonna flush like this for a day."

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah…well, uhh…

Dick: Like, you understand what I'm saying.

Maddox: Of course, yeah yeah.

Dick: Everyone's pissed off and there's nothing you can do. Like, stop getting so upset about something you have no control over.

Maddox: Well, that goes back to my plastic bag ban problem a while ago.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah!

Maddox: Which does absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. Do you know the number one source of waste in this world is corporate waste. It's industrial waste.

Dick: You gotta let me guess, because I'm always gonna guess something funny.

Maddox: No, okay. What would you have guessed? (laughs)

Dick: Uh….you.

Maddox: Oh, alright (giggles)…

Dick: I can't do it now. It's too late, the moment's passed.

Maddox: Ohhh, alright (sarcastic), I'll let you guess. So anyway, it's corporate waste. It's industrial waste.

Dick: Lifetime.

Maddox: I read this study about…what, Lifetime?

Dick: That's a bigger waste.

Maddox: The channel? The TV show?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, okay, you got me there. Um, I read this study awhile back that said if every single person in the United States had like, even 95% efficiency in their recycling, it would reduce overall waste in the United States by about 5%.

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: That's if EVERYBODY did it. Because industrial waste is sooo much bigger! It's so much bigger. It-it's a drop in the bucket. All our little…all our..."Oh, let's turn off the light switch here. Let's turn off the water so we don't run it an extra second or two."

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: It makes absolutely no difference.

Dick: Nothing.

Maddox: You go down to City Hall, they've got this giant fucking fountain outside that's running 24 hours a day, and people say "Well, it's recycled water." Yeah, but it's evaporating!

Dick: Like crazy!

Maddox: It's still evaporating. Yeah. It's a giant…there's, there's a black body, and it's evaporating. There's mathematical formulas that tell you how many gallons of water evaporate.

Dick: Lemme…look. Let me make the argument. Okay? This math stuff…

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: If you tried to do that at City Council, they're gonna tune right out.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Let me…cause I'll show up in like a white suit, like a preacher…

Maddox: Ugh….

Dick: Like, "Hey, water?! Water's the Devil! Did you know that all water is possessed by Satan?" (southern accent) And then they'll…you know what I'm sayin', they'll be on board.

(baby laugh sound effect)

Dick: I'll get those Korean church guys to come with me, too, with their signs. Or are they Vietnamese church guys?

Maddox: Oh, those guys are great. Korean.

Dick: Yeah, I thought so.

Maddox: I like those guys.

Dick: Alright, that's my problem. Why don't you do…the Diet Coke farcical test took so long that we're running short on time.

Maddox: Alright. Oh, yeah we are.

Dick: And we still have to read the answers for that.

Maddox: Well, real quick. I'll get to my last problem. It's self-checkout lanes at grocery stores!

Dick: You are dead wrong.

Maddox: Ohhh. BRING IT, BUDDY! (yells)

Dick: Those are the best thing to ever happen.

Maddox: Ohhh. I'm gonna bury you and I'm gonna throw the shovel in your forehead.

Dick: Let's go. I will punch you if you win this argument, because...

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, I'm absolutely winning. Okay. Why do you like them, first of all?!

Dick: Because. It's an express lane for people who have…understand the basics of checkouts. Dumb people have to sit in the line and smart people, who are, like, slightly above average intelligence, finally get a break in the world.

Maddox: Wrong.

Dick: We can take our groceries to the self-checkout line and run them through and get the hell out of the store. And plus, you can slip a little something into your bag every once in a while and not pay for it!

Maddox: (laughs) Oh, great, so you're a thief…it's good for thieves, I guess. (sarcasm) Great. If you're a thief, then self-checkout lanes are awesome.

Dick: Uh…AND everything else I said.

Maddox: No. No. No. Let me say…let me tell you a phrase why self-checkout lanes are not awesome. "Please remove the last item from the bag"

Dick: Okay. Their functionality is in question.

Maddox: "Please remove…"

Dick: Yeah. I'll give you that.

Maddox: Yeah. It's ALWAYS broken. That shit NEVER fucking works. It's almost always slower, unless you have a few items. If you have a few items…

Dick: (interjects) Define all of these "definite" things you're saying, like "Always" and "Never".

Maddox: Sure! I'll tell you why it's slower.

Dick: What percentage of the time would you say it's broken.

Maddox: I'd say about 30% to 40% of the time. That I've used it.

Dick: Holy shit. Okay. Okay.

Maddox: Because the buttons don't work. Something doesn't click. The attendant has to be notified. And I'll tell you what, Dick!! (yelling) Here's a problem. Why YOU shouldn't like these at all.

Dick: Why?

Maddox: You can't buy alcohol at them.

Dick: I know, I hate that.

Maddox: Yeah. So you have to stand in line anyway, and guess what, now they have fewer cashiers, because now they've replaced a bunch of 'em with fucking robots that don't work!

Dick: Okay, hold on, I feel like you're making a lot of sense right now. (laughing) (Maddox laughs) You gotta slow down. This is…I feel that sinking feeling in my stomach when someone's proving me wrong.

Maddox: Winner! Yeah. ("ding!" sound effect) You bet!

Dick: Well, with that 30% to 40% thing, I think you've just shown that you fail the intelligence test of using those machines.

Maddox: No, I know how to use the machine. I was a computer programmer. I'm not an idiot.

Dick: Pffft, oh, you, you get a 'C' at using it, if you fail 30% of the time. That's a C-, bro.

Maddox: The MACHINE fails, I don't fail! (yelling) (Dick laughs) It's a fucking buggy system. That shit is always out of order. Oh, out of service, the machine's flipped up, they did the…and then, if you have to stand behind some Midwest housewife who's using coupons, God, how the hell is she gonna figure that out?!

Dick: It's the greatest system ever, because there's one line and there's eight things. And anybody like you, who screws it up habitually, can sit there and fuck around, and waste their afternoon, while everybody else cycles through. It's perfect.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It's the only thing that grocery stores have done right since they invented laser scanners.

Maddox: Wrong. They're slower and they've done (stammers) countless studies...

Dick: There's NO way you have stats on this.

Maddox: Absolutely have stats.

Dick: There is no way.

Maddox: Absolutely have stats.

Dick: There is absolutely no way.

Maddox: Heeere they come!

Dick: Where did you get this, some right-wing think tank?!

Maddox: Get ready…nope. So check this out. "After extensive research, Big Y…" There's a grocery store chain, I believe it's in the northeast. "…Big Y has concluded that these self-checkout lanes not only do not save their customers time, but they usually take them even more time to check out than customers in standard checkout lanes. The company said in a statement Wednesday: 'self-checkout lines get clogged as the customers need to wait for store staff to assist with problems with bar codes, coupons, payment problems, and other issues that invariably arise with many transactions.'"

Dick: So they get clogged by morons, like I was saying.

Maddox: Yeah, everyone's a moron, except for the cashier. And, by the way, I don't like to memorize produce code. Cashiers have the produce codes memorized.

Dick: Well you can't bring your produce code through the… This is what you're doing! (yelling) You're trying to do dumb stuff with the self-checkout! You can't bring fruit through...

Maddox: (interjects) What, buy produce? Why not?!

Dick: Because that's not how it works!! (Yelling, frustrated) It's something....this is…you take a good idea and you ruin it!!! (Maddox laughing) By trying to cram shit through!! What is like this?! It's like…it's like watching a child try to use a Play-Doh Fun Factory. You just jam it up and you RUIN it for people like me, who love it!! (yelling, snaps)

Maddox: Mhhmm. So, this is from NBC News. "Albertson's, which operates 217 stores in seven western and southern states, will eliminate all self-checkout lanes…."

Dick: (interjects) Nooooooooo!!!! Noooooo!!!

Maddox: Yep. "…In the 100 stores that have them, and will replace them with standard or express lanes, a spokesman said."

Dick: Oh, fuck that!

Maddox: Wilcox said that "The replacement of the automated checkout lanes with human-operated lanes likely would mean more hours available for employees to work." So it's increasing employment.

Dick: Yeah! No. I want robots.

Maddox: Yeah. It's helping unemployment. Of course you want robots. They don't fucking work! (yelling) And by the way, here's a problem -

Dick: (interjects) They work EVERY time.

Maddox: Yeah, oh yeah? Here's a problem with self-checkout lanes, and I'll RACE you. If you get 10 or 15 of the same item, like if you're gonna buy a bunch of Kool-Aid or, or a bunch of, I dunno, beer, or something…

Dick: Uh…wait a minute. (scoffs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If you're gonna buy a bunch of Kool-Aid?! (scoffs)

Maddox: Whatever you're gonna buy.

Dick: That's the FIRST thing that popped into your mind?

Maddox: Say you're gonna buy a bunch of bottles of Tabasco. That's what I buy! So, if you're buying 10 or 15 bottles of Tabasco and you're going through the self-checkout line…(Dick laughs)

Dick: (interjects) And a bushel of apples.

Maddox: Yeah, well, whatever I fuckin' buy. Don't…don't judge what I eat. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Do you load this up on your bike?! Like a guy riding through town…

Maddox: (interjects) I used to! I used to when they had plastic bags, which I can't do anymore!! (yelling) I have to carry around these bullshit latex bags everywhere…

Dick: Oh, you're doing a disservice to humanity right now, shitting on self-checkout lines.

Maddox: Alright, lemme finish this. Lemme finish this.

Dick: Everybody should adopt the technology, not the other way around!

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: Not in this case. This is a beautiful thing that we had and you're ruining it!

Maddox: No, Dick.

Dick: You people are ruining it!! I feel like...this is Atlas Shrugged. Alright? Who's the guy in Atlas Shrugged?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm that guy right now.

Maddox: It's a chick, and it's you.

Dick: No, the guy. A woman wrote it, but it's about a guy.

Maddox: That's you. I don't know, man, I haven't read that bullshit.

Dick: (yelling over each other, indiscernible) Because this is what it's about!!!!!

Maddox: Oh, this makes me so happy. Libertarians love self-checkout lines. And they don't fucking work. And this is why Libertarians are fucked. Because, it's…you know what? I'm not even gonna call…

Dick: (interjects) How dare you call me that?!

Maddox: I'm not gonna call you.

Dick: I don't call you names like that here.

Maddox: (laughs) I'm not even gonna say Libertarian anymore, I'm going to say Libertarian theorist, because it is a theory. There has never been a successful Libertarian government. It's always been a theory. And for somebody who, like…somebody who…

Dick: (interjects) First of all, I'm not.

Maddox: Okay, well, fine. But, I'll tell you what. All my Libertarian friends LOVE self-checkout lanes. But here's the problem.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Let me finish this.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: If you're going through with 10 of the same item, it doesn't fucking matter what you're buying. There is no multiplication key. You have to scan each…

Dick: (interjects) Is there not?

Maddox: …individual. No, there isn't! You have to scan each individual item.

Dick: You can't even get it to work 40% of the time and you're gonna figure out how to use a multiplication key? Get outta here!

Maddox: No. No, the…the…cashiers use multiplication keys. If I'm going through, even at a Dollar Store, as DUMB as they are, they know that if I have 10 items…they say "How many do you have?" and I say "10." And they hit '10' and they scan one, and it's all scanned. You don't have to scan each one, which takes an eternity!

Dick: You wanna race? You wanna go to CVS and race me on this?! I will squash your ass with self-checkout line. You know why? Cause I won't even check out. I'll just run out the door. (Maddox laughs) I swear to God, I'll beat you at a self-checkout line.

Maddox: You know what? Go…

Dick: (interjects) Anywhere. Anytime. Any store.

Maddox: Oh, bring it, bozo. You know what? If the line…

Dick: (interjects) I WILL get a tattoo if you beat me at a self-checkout line.

Maddox: Oh, you're on. You're on. If the line isn't a factor…look, if the line's short…

Dick: (interjects) (yelling) What do you mean, if the line isn't a factor?! That's the whole point!!!

Maddox: No, but the lines are longer because of these self-checkout lanes!

Dick: The lines in the "dummy" aisle?

Maddox: They're not the "dummy" aisle, they're the "smart" aisle.

Dick: That's what I call them!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The person behind the counter…

Maddox: Who knows what the fuck he's doing!!

Dick: NEVER. They NEVER know what they're doing!! (incredulous)

Maddox: See?! You always have such a low opinion, but they do that thing every single day and they're good at it.

Dick: No, they're not good at it, they're checked out!

Maddox: They're better than you! They're better than the fucking grandma I'm standing behind.

Dick: No, they're lazy, because they're there for eight hours. Everybody in the self-checkout line is incentivized to get out of there as quickly as fuckin' possible.

Maddox: Really?! While they're juggling with their dog?! Or talking on their cell phone?! I've never had a cashier talk on their cell phone! Never. (snaps)

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I have.

Maddox: Oh, great. What, one time?! Every time I go through self-checkout, some dickhead is having phone sex.

Dick: One time is all that matters!!

Maddox: No, no, fuck you, man.

Dick: You…no. This whole thing, with these bullshit statistics…is why I hate statistics! And I'll tell you why!! I've got 'a stats' for you. Yeah, no. I really do. (Maddox laughs) Because your gut says…what does your gut say when you think "self-checkout"?

Maddox: Bullshit.

Dick: You think "Great." "Good."

Maddox: Pain in the ass. No I don't. Never.

Dick: So these dickheads got paid to gin up a study on how these self-checkout lines are bad, probably by the union. Probably by unions wanting to get more...uhh…hours for their dummies, so they said "Hey guys, put together a bullshit study where you find that self-checkout lines take too long."

Maddox: Wow, that's a great theory, Dick (snaps). Except it's completely fucking wrong, because the manager of this grocery store said "we save money with self-checkout lanes, but customers don't like them." Customer satisfaction surveys are consistently down.

Dick: Because customers are stupid!!

Maddox: Of course they're stupid!! But at least the cashiers do this every day, so they're somewhat good at it.

Dick: Just…Okay. Alright. Just…fine. Whatever. Just…please leave me this one thing. Please, everybody. Let me have the self-checkout line.

Maddox: So…yeah.

Dick: I like it. I need it.

Maddox: So you can't buy alcohol? And you have to go with your dick in your hand a 2 AM and stand in this looong fucking line because they don't have any cashiers? And everyone's trying to beat the clock?! Huh? You've been there! There's a chick waiting out in the car…"Oh, hold on, sorry, I have to wait in this giant fucking monster line because self-checkout lanes exist and they don't hire enough cashiers. I have to beat the clock to buy us alcohol."

Dick: They're not gonna hire more cashiers cause those self-checkout lines are not there.

Maddox: That's what the study said!! (yelling) It just said that! NBC News!!!

Dick: Fuck...that's a lie!! They're never gonna do that!! (Maddox cracks up) They are never going to overstaff to compensate for self-checkout lines. Look at the too many fucking…'not enough bartenders' problem!! That place was rolling in money, they just don't care!! (yelling) (Maddox laughs) Nobody cares about your experience! At least with the self-checkout lines, you can manage your own experience!!!

Maddox: You can't buy alcohol. You can't multiply. You can't…there's…and it increases shoplifting. Go to the Wikipedia page for self-checkout lanes. There's one…

Dick: (interjects) (yelling) Of course it increases shoplifting! Who cares?! I don't own a grocery store, and neither do you!!!! Fuck them!!!

Maddox: Okay, great. It raises the cost of everything because they pass those losses onto us.

Dick: No they don't.

Maddox: Yes they do! They absolutely do.

Dick: They say they do to trick criminals into not stealing.

Maddox: That's so bullshit. Wrong.

Dick: No no, no no. They say that to trick good people like you into not stealing.

Maddox: I am not a good person.

Dick: That's why they say that. There's a whole system of advertising set up just to keep you from becoming more like me, where you'll walk out of a store with a bottle of liquor and not give a fuck!

Maddox: Yeah, but you also think that's not a crime! (laughs) You're an idiot!!

Dick: How is it a crime?

Maddox: (laughing) Okay…

Dick: How is…the liquor…all liquor in the world belongs to me.

Maddox: Ohh boy.

Dick: I'm just letting the store borrow it.

Maddox: You're lending it to them. (Dick laughs) Oh, so dumb. This may be your dumbest defense of an….

Dick: (interjects) This is…this is the worst thing you could….(yelling, panicked) Like, this is…I think you're really doing a bad thing to society.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Which is why you are the biggest problem in the universe, which I said on the first fuckin' episode!!!

Maddox: Not according to everybody. Literally everybody. (laughs)

Dick: I'm like watching this beautiful thing fall apart! In 10 years, if self-checkout lines are gone because of you, I'll kill myself!

Maddox: Ohh, man. You're on. So, go to the Wikipedia page. One last thing I want to say about this. Go to the Wikipedia page of self-checkout scanners. Under the advantages, there is one sentence. And under the disadvantages, there's a giant paragraph.

Dick: What's the advantage?

Maddox: The advantage is that it saves stores money.

Dick: No!!!!!!! (frantic) The advantage is that it's for you!!!! The consumer!!

Maddox: No. No. The only time it's faster is if I have one or two items and I'm going through and there's no line, I'll go to self-checkout line. It's sometimes faster. But usually…

Dick: (interjects) Otherwise, you go to the dummy register?!

Maddox: It's not the dummy register. Stop calling it that. It's…if I have 10 or 15 items, it's quicker…

Dick: I'm trying. (laughs) I'm really trying.

Maddox: No you're not. (laughs) No you're not. If it's 10 or 15 items…

Dick: (interjects) No, I'm trying to make my case, I mean, with all the tricks I can. You gotta brand things so people hear it.

Maddox: Well, yeah. No. You can't buy alcohol. It's a pain in the dick. You have to wait for inept customers talking on their cell phones, which I mentioned. Grocery stores have found that decreased customer satisfaction…I mean, I'm just repeating myself. It's garbage. Let's get to the test.

Dick: MY satisfaction greatly increased.

Maddox: Great. Well, again. Dick Masterson's biggest problem in Dick Masterson's universe is…

Dick: (sighs) Okay.

Maddox: …we're getting rid of self-checkout lines.

Dick: (sighs) Let's hear…can we hear the results of the…

Maddox: The results!

Dick: This better not be some bullshit, either, where none of it was McDonald's Diet Coke.

Maddox: Well, you would know that, wouldn't you? So, Dick guessed 'C' and Sean guessed 'E'. Is that correct?

Dick: Yeah. Can we get a drum roll? Do you have a drum roll?

Maddox: I wish. No. We'll have to add that in post or something.

Dick: Can we get a boner sound effect at least?

Maddox: I have….

Dick: (interjects) That's almost as good as a drum roll.

Maddox: I had the drum roll queued's the boner. ('sproing' (boner) sound effect)

Dick: Pretty good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Or, if you lose it...(negative 'sproing' sound effect)

Dick: I've seen…by the way, I've seen Sean play a drum roll with an erection. With his dick. Right?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: You remember that? Yeah? You remember that?

Maddox: Yeah, save it for after hours. That's pretty gross.

Dick: Cool.

Maddox: Alright. Again, Dick said 'C'. Sean said 'E'. 'A' was McDonald's!

Dick: SHIT! I knew it! I knew it was 'A'! (yelling)

Maddox: The worst...the worst tasting one was McDonald's! The ones that you guys…you had a consensus. You said that was the worst tasting one. That was the worst. That was McDonald's!

Dick: It was the worst. Because, you know why? I'll tell you why!

Maddox: Oh, that makes me so happy.

Dick: I'll tell you why.

Sean: 'D' was the worst to me, but 'A' was bad.

Dick: I still have some 'A', let me try it.

Maddox: 'D'? Oh, Sean, you say 'D' was the worst?! Cause guess what, 'D' was also McDonald's!

Sean: They were…oh, really? (Maddox laughing) Where did you go, like, Vermont and 56th?

Maddox: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Sean: Those were both terrible.

Dick: No no no, hold on. But he did something really smart here. Because we said every single flavor was different and now he's established that two of them were the same, so we…

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Hold on, Sean.

Sean: I understand that.

Dick: Hold on. We really look like huge assholes right now. (Maddox cackles) Hold on. Hold on. Maddox, you're really…you really fucking duped me, and Sean. This was a great dupe.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaaah!! Wooo!!! This is awesome. (ding sound effect) I am awesome. I am going to give myself applause ( applause sound effect)

Dick: What were you going to say?

Maddox: I am a winner. What's that, Sean?

Sean: Well done. Well done. I just thought that 'A' and 'D' both tasted like shit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, they did.

Maddox: Those were the McDonald's ones.

Sean. And the reason…

Dick: (interjects) I'll tell you why.

Sean: I think the reason…I think the reason I even thought 'D' was worse, was because I had just drank something that was better. 'A' was the first one, and then I was like "Oh, okay, 'C' is pretty good." And then 'D' was back to "God, this is horrible!"

Dick: Okay, lemme…lemme tell you why this experiment is totally false (Maddox scoffs, laughs) and these results are invalid.

Maddox: Oh, God…you just…

Dick: It's because. It's because…I have a couple of different explanations.

Maddox: Oh, sure.

Dick: Number one, I'm so used to the delicious taste of McDonald's Diet Coke that when it's in this crappy plastic cup, it's a huge disappointment.

Maddox: They're all in a plastic cup.

Dick: And it's tricking me…yeah, but this one smelled the worst in the little plastic cup. I dunno what to tell you.

Maddox: Yeah, cause it's from McDonald's. It's shit. And…okay, so 'B' was from a place called Daphne's, a Greek café, I went and got their fountain soda, just for comparison.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: 'C', you're correct Dick…

Dick: (interjects) I'm so pissed off at you. That's such a…you goddamn…ugh, you set it up so perfectly, too, with two of the same. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did you do that on purpose?

Maddox: Of course. Yeah.

Dick: Knowing that we would say they're all different and that would be a…oh, man.

Maddox: Just as a control.

Dick: Ffffuck.

Maddox: 'C', you were correct, was the can.

Dick: This feels like the end of like, Ocean's Eleven. Where, like, it's revealed that it was, like, a double heist?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And they even tricked the audience?

Maddox: Uh-huh (cocky). Yeah. So, 'C' was the can. You were correct. 'C' is for can. I used...'C' was the can.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And 'D' was McDonald's, as we mentioned, and 'E' was the bottle. I got a plastic bottle of Coke.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Diet Coke, rather. Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So, there you go.

Sean: It's amazing that the two were…well, the same McDonald's, obviously, but it tasted the worst by far.

Maddox: I will say this, though. I will say…to corroborate a little bit of what you guys said, I…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, fuck you. Don't give us a consolation…don't corroborate us after the fact! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Oh, I feel so good.

Dick: Just shut up and take your win.

Maddox: Alright. and, by the way, I'm getting a lot of people who don't know where the overall list of the problems are. If you click on the problems in the upper right hand corner, you'll see the comprehensive list. We'll probably have to add that to uh…to the table at some point, but…yeah.

Dick: What…what table?

Maddox: Just so that there's a link to all the problems underneath the weekly problems, on the main page.

Dick: Oh, yeah, okay.

Maddox: We'll add that.

Dick: Can you…what's the biggest problem in the universe right now? What's ranked right now? Cause you can vote on all the problems we've ever had and like, it's got links to the episodes that they were featured in. It's pretty cool.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't have that up at the moment, but we'll bring that in next time. We'll go over all the...the comprehensive list. Anyway, so, Don't forget to vote. We are number 9 on iTunes Comedy Podcast!!!

Dick: Yeah!!!

Maddox: Pretty fuckin' awesome!! (closing riff starts)

Dick: Yeah, you really nailed it. You REALLY fucked me this week. I cannot believe it.

Maddox: Thanks guys.