Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 79

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save five dollars off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Eyesores to ISIS! (Dick and Sean laugh) With over…with over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick.

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy? (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hey.

Maddox: Welcome back. Episode 79.

Dick: Eyesores.

Maddox: Yeah. Eyesores and ISIS. They're…they're both trouble, you know. You don't want either one in your neighborhood.

Dick: Nope!

Maddox: They're both blights on neighborhoods.

Dick: And they're both stopped by a big wall.

Maddox: Oh, boy. (Dick cackles) More Trump propaganda!

Dick: Ohhh. (sighs) How did we do last week?

Maddox: Dick, that's a good question.

Dick: Trump didn't invent walls. (Sean giggles)

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: Last week, the biggest problem in the universe was Bad Haircuts.

Dick: Oh, good.

Maddox: Very…(giggles) very relatable. Good job, Dick. (Dick laughs) Bad haircuts. Then, Unfair Internet Bans.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Just barely.

Dick: Did that get in the positives?

Maddox: It was…it was very controversial. It was in the positives for a little while, and then it was voted down. Now it's hovering around zero.

Dick: Yeaaaah. Well, I guess….well, who's…who's deciding that they're unfair? That's the problem. Right?

Maddox: Well, Erin thought hers were unfair.

Dick: And hers was definitely not unfair.

Maddox: No. Well…(Sean giggles)

Dick: She was banned fairly.

Maddox: No, but she said she got a professional account. It sounds like that's what that account was there for.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Is to promote services. Because, clearly…Tinder has no problem selling ads to different companies and TV shows to…

Dick: Well, yeah! They're a company!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They gotta make money.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: They gotta put ads on their free service.

Maddox: But if she has a professional account, if that's what it's there for.

Dick: See, but I think when SHE says that it's a "professional account"…

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: I suspect that maybe she's just decided it's professional, and is just running her ad on a dating profile.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't feel like…

Dick: (interjects) Like, I've never seen a "How to have a professional account on Tinder."

Maddox: I looked into it, I couldn't find any…I couldn't find any documentation about that.

Dick: (giggles) Yeah.

Maddox: But, I don't…I don't…it doesn't bother me. It's like seeing a video game ad while I'm playing a video game. I don't mind, because I'm already there to play the video game, you know what I mean?

Dick: Oh, I think you would mind something like that, though. If it was anyone else other than Erin bringing it in, I think you would mind…someone shilling themselves based under…on false pretenses. Like, she's got a picture of herself…like…assumedly. She's got a hot picture of herself on there, and then when you investigate more, it says, "This is an ad." Right? It doesn't say, "Hi, dating coach." That's not the picture. It's a picture of a beautiful girl. Right?

Maddox: Right. Because you're not allowed to have text on your profile pictures.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: The reason…the reason it doesn't bother me is because she's up front and not misleading. Because…if I…if I match with a girl on Tinder, which I always do. Every girl I've ever swiped right on, I match.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: So if I…if I match a girl on Tinder…

Dick: That's a pretty good record.

Maddox: Yeah. It's a good record. 100%. I…look at their profile, and I read what they're saying before I message them. Because I have…I…there are girls who have been hot as shit, like, stone cold foxes, and I've not messaged them because they have snooty, shitty, obnoxious profiles.

Dick: Hmmm.

Maddox: For example, this is the type of girl I hate, and you will die alone. I will never date you. You will die alone. It's the type of girl who says, "Well, if you do such-and-such thing for me, I'll consider going on a date." Or "If you're this type of person, I'll consider…" (Dick chuckles) You know what? Don't deign to date me, dipshit!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'll date someone else. I'll date any of these other hotties in my profiles.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'll take those girls.

Maddox: Yeah, of course you will.

Dick: Gimme those girls. I'll do whatever you want, baby. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What do you want, the moon? It's yours.

Maddox: And then…and then dead last, was Spooning Victims. And I got a…I got a comment about that. It's from Alexander Deltrus Leimbeck. He says, "I think we have a bunch of idiots who don't quite understand the "Spooning Victims" problem. They're downvoting it, I think, because they think the problem is spooning, so they don't think that's a problem...Guys, LISTEN and READ. It's the stupid "VICTIMS" Maddox is talking about. Fucking hell."

Sean: I thought that would create confusion.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah, I saw that, and I was like "That's why they're downvoting it."

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Because I think that guy who wrote the article is a fucking lunatic.

Dick: Well, wait a minute! I read that article after the show…I think he was trying to be funny.

Sean: Ohhh, see, this was something I…

Dick: (interjects) I think he just…I think he got into a new gay relationship, and he was excited about it, and that was him, like, talking about it in, like, some kind of cute way.

Sean: Well, I thought about that after the fact, in which case, we look like assholes, don't we?

Dick: Yes, we do. We need satire tags!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We needed them in this case.

Maddox: Okay. Two things. First of all…

Sean: Is…is that true?

Maddox: No. It's not satire. It…first of all…

Sean: (interjects) Okay, good.

Maddox: First of all, Slate…

Dick: (interjects) You don't think it was satire?

Maddox: No, absolutely not. Slate is not known for satire. They're not known satirists. They don't publish satire. Second, it's part of a new blog launch that they're doing specifically for sleep-related topics. So this is one of their…one of their seven, uh…block posts that they made about sleep-related topics. So I looked at the other ones.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: None of them are satirical. None of them are funny. This guy's doing it in earnest. And all of his other posts are in earnest. He's not a satirist. He's not being funny. He's not a funny dude.

Dick: Well, it definitely wasn't funny.

Maddox: Not intentionally funny. Excuse me, correction. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Let's see, I got one from Sam Allen. "Sounds like Dick tried to get a haircut that made his face look bigger and it backfired." (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Dick, everybody was asking for a picture of your face!

Dick: I'm not putting a picture of my haircut up.

Maddox: Wh…

Dick: (interjects) I'll let somebody draw it. Is that a good compromise?

Maddox: Wait, wait. Why? Why?

Dick: I'll let someone draw…'cause it's ugly.

Maddox: Awwwwwwwhhh.

Dick: That's why.

Maddox: Oh, you're sensitive, my friend.

Dick: Start a Kickstarter.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe you get the right price, I'll do it, I'll put it up.

Maddox: Meanwhile, I'm everyone's fucking punching bag about the bald jokes! You guys letting it fly last time!! (Dick and Sean laugh) Right on my…on my wall right now, there's two pictures. So, Fallout 4 came out. The game Fallout 4. And it has this character designer inside, where you can customize your character to make it look like whatever. Basically, they all look like Walter White from Breaking Bad. So somebody made one of me, and it looks pretty fucking spot-on. I think it's pretty handsome. I rubbed one out to it. (Sean gags) It's pretty hot. Anyway. That's on my wall right now. I also got a comment…actually, before we move on, I should mention this, Dick. I kind of mentioned it in the post last time, I forgot to mention it last episode, but a long time ago, I teased that I was going to be talking about my Penn and Teller experience in a video.

Dick: Oh, good.

Maddox: And that video's about to come out. I'm finally releasing it, and one of the first comments about it was from Grant Mooney. You know, the guy who created the Titanic song…

Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Maddox: For those of you listeners who haven't heard the Titanic song in a while, Grant Mooney created it to…to mock me! You have it ready to play? The fucking…this bullshit.

(Titanic theme starts)

Maddox: I love how it picks up where you stopped it last time.

Dick: No, I had the volume down.

Maddox: This fucking bullshit-ass song.

Dick: Grant Mooney.

Maddox: Grant Mooney.

Dick: What did he say?

Maddox: He says, "Fuck yeah, I can't wait to hear about Penn and Teller. I've been on my best behavior." So, the reason he said that…fucking turn the song off!!!

Dick: I can't stop it once it starts!! (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: This is fucking bull…

(Song continues in the background)

Dick: That should fuck with people's heads, like you gotta hear the whole song…

Sean: You asked him if he was gonna play it!!!

Maddox: Yeah, just a little bit! I fucking hate this song!!! I'm gonna unplug the audio jack. Unplug his audio jack, Sean!!

Dick: This was the…this was the Titanic days of the podcast. (grins) (Maddox giggles) This is like the Jurassic era. It's taking me back.

Maddox: Yeah, Jur-asshole era. This is such bullshit! (Dick giggles) I said, just as a sample, to remind people! We don't have to listen to the whole song!!

(Song continues)

Maddox: I fucking hate this song!

Dick: You have to play it! People will go crazy out there! They'll have to still sing the whole song in their heads!

Maddox: You know what?

Dick: It'll drive them crazy.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Fuck you, Grant Mooney!

Dick: So what are you gonna go into on your Penn and Teller expose?

Maddox: Well, the whole reason I mentioned…I'll tell you in a second, but the whole reason I mentioned Grant Mooney is because…uh, he was…I said something out of spite. I said, "If you ask for me to post that episode, I'm going to delay it."

Dick: Oh, I remember that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So that's why…

Dick: Have you delayed it?

Maddox: (giggles) I delayed it because of him. And that's why he said he's been on his best behavior.

Dick: Oh, great.

Maddox: But for that song, Grant, I'm gonna delay it another few days. Anyway, I was on Penn and Teller's Bullshit a long time ago, talking about old people.

Dick: Yeah. And they REALLY nailed you.

Maddox: Ohhhh. (sad)

Dick: Well, you…'cause I remember you saying you were gonna be on Penn and Teller, and I said, "Look. Every episode of Penn and Teller's Bullshit, there are people they agree with."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "And they make them look great and smart, and there are the people they don't agree with, and they make them look like assholes."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So you gotta figure out which one you are quickly. And then alter your behavior accordingly.

Maddox: You know what…

Dick: Right? You gotta protect yourself, if they're setting you up to look like a shithead…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You gotta really protect yourself.

Maddox: Right. Well, it's hard, because…(stammers) I honestly thought that they were gonna be on my side of this debate!

Dick: (giggles) Which…but they're old! (Sean laughs) They themselves are very old!

Maddox: Doesn't matter. Just because you're a thing, you can still be objective about that thing. Just because you have cancer, you don't suddenly like cancer, 'cause you have it. It's still a shitty thing! (Dick and Sean crack up)

Dick: Great analogy!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I couldn't imagine an old person making an analogy that good.

Maddox: Being…being old is like having cancer, except you can't get rid of it…

Sean: You know…I'm gonna miss this cancer. (Dick and Maddox crack up)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Great…great analogy. Anyway. So they fucking threw me under the bus. Man, they took so many quotes out of context.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: My whole argument in that episode was essentially that old people get reverse…they get ageism in their favor. They go to…amusement parks and restaurants and grocery stores and theaters…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Well, probably n…they get discounts everywhere in society…

Dick: Yeah. (irritated)

Maddox: Not because they're good people. Just because they're old. Which I think is bullshit!

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Right? That's the name of the whole fucking show. And then they threw me under the bus! They made…they characterized my argument. My biggest problem…

Dick: As, like, an angry 30-year-old manchild…that was the words they used, right?

Maddox: What?

Dick: That you were an angry, 30-something, like, basement-dwelling manchild.

Maddox: Something.

Dick: They really char…they really hammered you.

Maddox: Something along those lines.

Dick: That's what I'm saying.

Maddox: They…I mean, they tried to. They said that. They took quotes out of context.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um…(stammers) there's all this bullshit that happened in that episode. Anyway, I'm finally releasing that video and I'm finally talking about it. It's coming out soon. And…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Uh…yeah. It'll be interesting. I'm…I'm excited to finally talk about this. It's been a couple of years.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Finally put…set the record straight.

Dick: Oh, I remember when that came out, too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: (giggles) It was ugly.

Maddox: I got one of the best hate mails I've ever received. I…I haven't even had a chance to post it on my site, but it was this guy, he was, like, a World War II vet. And he just said, "I'm so tired of little pukes like you."

Dick: Yeah. (enjoying)

Maddox: And he kept calling me a puke throughout the entire email, and that's how you know he's old. He's like an old, crusty old fuck, and he kept calling me a puke. I love it.

Dick: He probably learned how to use email just to send you that email.

Maddox: Yeah! Hah! Old.

Dick: I'll do you a favor. I'm gonna bring in Baby Boomers when that video drops. On this show.

Maddox: Okay, great.

Dick: As a problem.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Because, uh…I don't think the biggest argument against old people is that they get fair treatment at McDonald's.

Maddox: That's my argument.

Dick: That they get free coffee at McDonald's, or whatever.

Maddox: That's…that's my argument!

Dick: I think there's better arguments that Penn and Teller could not defend against. Like, they've…I don't know. They've destroyed the education system. They've denuded social security…um, you know…they've, like, fucked up the country.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And blamed it on us, and stuck us with the tab.

Maddox: I guess. I mean, they also left us a legacy of a lot of good things, too. You could say.

Dick: Name 100. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: But…but the argument that I had against old people…(stammers) another one was that they smell. They smell…and (stammers) it wasn't just a little pithy statement that I made that old people smell.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I was basing it on the principal that as you grow older, your eyesight declines, your hearing declines.

Dick: Yeah, of course.

Maddox: Your taste declines.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Why shouldn't your sense of smell? And then I looked into it, and guess what?

Dick: It does.

Maddox: It fucking does!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Old people smell because if their sense of smell diminishes over time, they can't smell themselves. And they can't smell how much perfume they're putting on, and that's why they put on too much of it.

Dick: Yeah, that's true.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm really fucking smart.

Dick: They also have a shitload of syphilis.

Maddox: Yeah, that's true.

Dick: I don't know if you knew that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. I got…I got another haircut voicemail. You remember the guy we ripped up last episode for always having bad haircuts? A friend of ours?

Maddox: Oh, right!

Dick: Yeah, he called in.

Maddox: He called in to the show?!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. For anyone who hasn't heard the last episode, we…made fun of a friend of ours, because he gets really shitty haircuts. And I…encouraged him to spend a little bit more and go to a better barbershop. One that doesn't have revolving doors for the people who come in and out of it.

Dick: And revolving blades for the haircuts. Here you go.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, this message is from your mutual friend with the shitty haircut. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Sorry if I don't wanna take haircut advice from Bald Bin Laden and Mexican Gene Simmons. (they laugh)

Dick: Mexican Gene Simmons…

"I'm sure everybody in your audience really wants to get style points from a guy cruising around town in Persian racing rims… (Maddox giggles) or a guy who's probably wearing a Sega Dreamcast shirt while recording this damn episode."

Maddox: Close!

Dick: Close. (Maddox laughs) Close.

"Anyway. Good show, boys. I'll see you at the gym on leg day.")

Maddox: (laughing) What an asshole!

Dick: For the record, you are wearing an Adventure Time/Princess Mononoke shirt.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Two car…one cartoon is not enough for the shirt today.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It's two cartoons.

Maddox: Two in one.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: It was a mashup. It was a gift. I'm tired of mashups, but it was a gift.

Dick: Here's that…do you remember that email you read about that…woman engineer?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Here. She called in.

Maddox: Oh, let's hear it.

(Voice mail: clearly male, very deep voice: "Sup guys…uh, this is that uh…that engineer girl… (Maddox cracks up) who wrote in that email the other week. Just wanted to call in, 'cause people were questioning my gender. Wanted to confirm (Maddox still laughing) that I am, in fact, a sexy gril (misspelled on purpose) with big tits…"

Dick: Ohhhhh!!

"And an engineer."

Dick: How big?!

"And…I just wanted to say that, you know, just…just letting you guys know that…everything is cool. Uh…women don't have problems, so… (Maddox and Dick laughs) guys, men in the audience, just keep doin' what you're doin', guys, 'cause it's workin'. And, um…you know. That's about it. Women should stop complaining…"

Dick: Ugh, typical woman, chatty.

Maddox: (giggles) Real chatty.

"But also, I wanted to say that…virginity shaming…that's…that's a huge fucking problem, so…don't…shame…"

Dick: (laughs) Crass.

Maddox: She sounds like a virgin.

"Don't shame men about their virginity. That's fucked up, though. Stop complaining about patriarchy and shit. That's gay."

Dick: Okay. (Maddox cracks up)

"Alright…(inaudible) put on makeup, so…")

(Maddox is laughing his head off) (Maddox sighs)

Dick: So that's cool. It is a woman.

Maddox: Her name was Marie S. Thank you for calling in Marie S, the engineer. You know…you know what? So Asterios is not here…(giggles) not here to defend himself, which is the preferred way I like to argue against people.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Is when they can't defend against themselves. So, umm…he was saying, essentially…you…you guys both thought that that was…it sounded like a guy who wrote those talking points, right?

Dick: Me?!

Maddox: You guys both said that.

Dick: No, I…um. I wondered if it was, in fact, a woman.

Maddox: Yeah. No, it was. I…I looked into it. Um, yeah, so…it's not surprising, guys. (stammers) I mean, here's…here's a fact, right? I want everyone to chew on this for a little while, 'cause it's a real heavy one. The majority of women don't identify themselves as feminists.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: The majority of women. The majority of men…the majority of people don't. In fact, it's only 23% of women. Twenty-three percent. So…a lot of them…and a lot of them…if you ask them if they are FOR social…

Dick: (interjects) It's like South Park says. One out of four people is retarded.

Maddox: Is that… I don't…

Dick: That's a South Park thing.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, okay. Well…if you…if you ask the same people who don't identify themselves as feminists whether or not they are for social equality, economic equality, opportunity equality, etc…they all say, "Yes". But they still don't identify themselves as feminists. And I fall into that category, too. We're all egalitarians. Anyway. That's an important thing. Chew on that.

Dick: Okay. One more?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: I'll play one more. (grins)

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, this is former president Benjamin Harrison. You probably don't know me, but, uh… (Dick cackles) I wanted to…(inaudible) cucumbers. It's good to hear you still have a day job, 'cause I think you're gonna need it. You probably shouldn't quit it.

Dick: Awwwwww.

Maddox: What did he say, Asterios…cu…

"After last week's episode. See ya.")

Maddox: Cucumbers?

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: Yeah. That's what he called him. Yeah. Asterios got beat up a lot. I think unfairly. Um, so, I got a comment in the Comment section. A lot of drama in the Comment section.

Dick: I think he's funny. I love Asterios.

Maddox: Yeah. Asterios is funny! I love…I love Asterios! But you know who wasn't funny, was that shithead who called in! All of 'em.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Every single one.

Dick: Uhhhhh, let's see. I got one for you, Sean. You wanna hear it?

(Voice mail: male voice with British accent: "Yeah, uh…this is a message about…uh…Sean. Uh…I don't understand why you guys are paying him, as he can't do his fucking job properly."

Dick: Ohohoh. (Maddox giggles)

"Every time you have a female on the show, Erin, fricking awful. She sounds like fucking Ecco the Dolphin being fisted. (Dick laughs) It's ridiculously high-pitched.

Sean: Like what?

Dick: Ecco…

Maddox: Ecco the Dolphin.

Dick: Ecco the Dolphin being fisted.

"Stop jerking off at (inaudible) abuse videos and do his job. Also, Maddox, you're turning into a massive pouf, and I think Dick should fuck you. Uh…")

Maddox: What?

Dick: I dunno. A big pussy?

Sean: That's her voice. She does have an annoying voice.

Maddox: (giggles) Sean, you don't have to justify yourself to that shitty caller!!! (Dick cracks up) Do you understand a fucking thing he said? Sounded like he had marbles in his mouth and he's speaking through a fast food speaker!

Sean: He's been in the pub too long.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah, he has.

Maddox: Also, we had legitimately, like, nine people in the room last time.

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: So…

Sean: Asterios sounded echo-y too, but…

Maddox: Asterios did sound echo-y.

Sean: It's the room, pal. (sighs)

Maddox: Yeah. It…(stammers) we're doing what we can with what we have, you fuck! Erin sounded fine. I think she has a great voice.

Sean: Okay. (skeptical) (Dick cackles)

Dick: Alright. I got a…I got an email from a guy thanking you for losing his virginity. I got an erotic story…I got a…I got a new bit. Which one do you want? Dealer's choice. I don't wanna take up too much time, here.

Maddox: Let's do…the erotic story and the…

Dick: Uh, the erotic story's long!

Maddox: Okay, then let's do…

Dick: (interjects) It's good…

Maddox: (interjects) Let's do the new bit, save the erotic story.

Dick: Okay. Here's the…here's the song for the new bit.

(Song starts, heavy guitar riff, punk-type singer, "Bicyclers are…piece of shit! Pieces of shit! Pieces of shit!!! (music plays) Pieces of shit! Pieces of shit! Pieces of shit!!")

Dick: Okay. This is a serious, educational bit.

Maddox: Okay. (skeptical)

Dick: Alright?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It might be a little bit entertaining, but as we…it's called Bicyclers are Pieces of Shit. This new story was sent in to me by Brad Meridian, "A bomb-sniffing dog who served two tours in Iraq, earning two bronze stars along the way…"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Was fatally shot by a cyclist."

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: "Who says he felt threatened."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "By the 52-pound Belgian Malinois."

Maddox: Good! Then fucking keep your dog on a leash!

Dick: Sad. It's very sad.

Maddox: Dogs are the problem! Go vote up dogs! Thank you for bringing that in, Dick! Go vote up dogs! Keep your fucking dipshit dog on a leash.

Dick: "The cyclist claims he used his bike to block the dog's attacks."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "But that Mike continued his assault."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Until he shot him in the backside with a revolver."

Maddox: Good. Alright. Fine.

Dick: "The cyclist sustained no injuries."

Maddox: Cool.

Dick: "And there were no witnesses."

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: "Though a neighbor told someone that he heard no barking prior to the gunshot." So this was a dog attack with no barking.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Dog got shot in the back by a cyclist.

Maddox: Neighbor…neighbor with sonar ears. "I…I heard no barking".

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like the neighbor would even fucking know.

Dick: There you go.

(Song starts, heavy guitar riff, punk-type singer, "Bicyclers are…piece of shit! Pieces of shit! Pieces of shit!!! (music plays) Pieces of shit! Pieces of shit! Pieces of shit!!")

Dick: He shot a dog!!!

Maddox: You know, Dick. Calling them bicyclers makes you sound like an idiot.

Dick: (laughing) Cool.

Maddox: 'Cause it's…you know, they're cyclists and you're just adding the word "err" to it. I don't call you "libertarianers".

Dick: Ugh, all these words!

Maddox: Libert…

Dick: (interjects) You should like a Poly-Evangelist!

Maddox: Libertarianers.

Dick: All your new words for things.

Maddox: Oh, and speaking of…

Dick: (interjects) It's a bicycler! They got a bicycle, they're bicyclering around!

Maddox: Yeah. Oh…and speaking of…

Dick: (interjects) You got a typewriter you….I dunno. I fucked that one up.

Maddox: Our buddy…and one more thing about that Penn and Teller episode. Penn. Penn and Teller. Big libertarians.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: They're…they're on the Cato Institute. Libertarians. They…uh, libertarians made some news over the weekend too, Dick. Maybe you'll recognize this clip. It's from our buddy, Rand Paul.

(Clip starts, Rand Paul speaks: "I want a government so small you can barely see it.")

Dick: Oh, I saw that.

Maddox: Yeah?! (giggles)

Dick: I saw that live.

Maddox: (cracking up) And then I listened to it more, I'm like…am I…am I misunderstanding here? Am I misunderstanding? Am I mischaracterizing the Libertarian agenda!? No!! (Dick giggles) He says it should be local governments, because local's smaller governments! Uh, bluh, bluh!!!"

Dick: You know he doesn't mean that literally, right? That's a metaphor.

Maddox: Oh, and then he went on to explain literally.

Dick: No, he means…he wants to be able to see them. Like…as physical…he doesn't want it literally so small that he needs a microscope to see them.

Maddox: Oh, well no. Not that, yeah. He's not…

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: But he's exaggerating. But he is talking about local governance, rather than federal.

Dick: No, he's talking about more the function of government. Like, he…

Maddox: Okay, well, you're wrong. He said, "I want there to be more local government rather than federal." He actually said that, so.

Dick: Yeah, that's part of it, but…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What he was saying with not being able to see them, I think, is not being able to feel their influence all the time.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh.

Dick: Like, the benefit from their services. You don't wanna have thought about it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The roads are just there. You never think about who's fixing them.

Maddox: Sure. Like vaccinations are just there.

Sean: How do you guys feel about apples? (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Dick: I don't think vaccinations are a Libertarian crusade.

Maddox: Ohhhhh, but they are, buddy! Someone linked to me on a website that…(laughs) you know how…the first thing every libertarian says is…"It's not anarcho-capitalism". So this guy's like…

Dick: (interjects) It's not!

Maddox: "Hey Maddox, libertarians are really open to the idea of vaccination." And then he sent me a link to a website where libertarians were defending this thing, and it was something like…and…(laughs) they were talking about the merits of vaccination. Oh, wow. Thank you for being so open-minded about vaccination, guys.

Dick: What…are you thanking us for being on board with vaccines, sarcastically? Like…

Maddox: Sure. Yeah.

Dick: Like, libertarians are definitely FOR vaccines.

Maddox: Sure they are. I appreciate that. (sarcasm)

Dick: Why…(Sean cracks up) I don't understand why you're being smug about it. Like, they're definitely pro-vaccine.

Maddox: Well…it says on the libertarian website that people should be allowed to choose whatever medical procedure they want or don't want for themselves.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: That includes vaccinations. I disagree with that.

Dick: Well, for themselves.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You think…oh, I don't even want to get into it.

Maddox: You…yeah. You shouldn't be allowed to NOT choose vaccinations. End of story. You're…they should have a federal regulation.

Dick: You're talking about for your children, though. That's different. 'Cause you don't 'vaccinize' yourself as an adult, right?

Maddox: Right. Well…

Dick: Like, specifically, vaccines are applied to children. So we're talking about old…

Maddox: No, you do. You get the flu vaccine. You can get pneumonia vaccines. You can get all sorts of vaccines.

Dick: So you think that the federal government should mandate that all adults get the flu vaccine?

Maddox: Not the flu vaccine, but…

Dick: (interjects) Every year.

Maddox: But…it should be proportional to the threat of whatever it is. Like, say for example…Ebola was going crazy and it was an actual threat, and everyone was getting it.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Then they came up with a vaccine…yeah. The government should mandate that you should get the Ebola vaccine.

Dick: That's a horrifying dystopia that I want no part of.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The government deciding…you know, the government's had a lot of bad cures for diseases over the years. They thought leprosy was contagious, so they threw everyone in quarantine on islands. They take away their kids from them. Turned out it wasn't contagious.

Maddox: Yeah, so…

Dick: Woops!

Maddox: That's the utopian fallacy, Dick. Just because they're not perfect, doesn't mean that you should throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Dick: Mmmm…it means you should limit their power, though.

Sean: What if they baby has leprosy?

Dick: Yeah. Then…I don't know. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Then you fucking flush that bitch!

Dick: Tax it. Alright, you wanna get to your problem?

Maddox: Dick, what's your problem? Yeah, you got a problem.

Dick: My problem is Not All Blank Kneejerks, this week.

Maddox: What does that mean?

Dick: So…you know the terrorist attacks in Paris happened.

Maddox: Just happened.

Dick: Well, yeah. By the time this comes out, they'll have happened, uh..a couple days ago. So…I hop onto…I hop onto Twitter, 'cause I think Twitter's a good source of news. (Maddox giggles) Twitter and, uh…'cause you get, like, in the popular feeds, you get, like, what's going on right now. Right? You just punch it in to wherever. You're not gonna get what's going on right now, but all this stuff was developing. So I hop on there, click on the Muslim keyword?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Click on Paris. Click on Islam.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Uh…what do I see? Terrorism has no religion.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That's what I see in the trending keywords. Here's…here's…here's some quotes. "I love all followers of the Islamic faith. I'm here to protect you from the ignorant comments that will come after this tragic event." I'm like…well what…is that the time for this, right now? Terrorism has no religion. Spread love. Educate. Don't generalize.

Maddox: Wait, wait…

Dick: That's a…

Maddox: Right.

Dick: I'm like…wh…(stammers) so…a terrorist attack happens, and everyone's first…there's hundreds of thousands of these tweets. Nowhere among them…maybe a small fraction of them, did I see…ANYTHING that was critical of Islam.

Maddox: That's because, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) It's hundreds of thousands of people…not all Muslims. Not all Muslims! It's like guys…guys.

Maddox: No, Dick.

Dick: Are you fucking serious? Your first response to this is to attack some imaginary racist that's out there criticizing Islam for this!? Are you fucking kidding me?! Not all Muslims? Yeah! We know! There's BILLIONS of them!! Nobody thinks it's all Muslims!! (yelling) Nobody!!!

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Okay. You're SO off base on this. First of all, the problem with Twitter and getting your news from it, is that Twitter prioritizes popular tweets. So those tweets that you're reading of people saying it's not all Muslims, etc, etc, those are popular because people are putting their support behind it by favoriting it or retweeting it. That's why you're seeing those prioritized in your feed.

Dick: (interjects) You all…

Maddox: (interjects) Why don't you read…why don't you read the comments under just,…I just changed my profile picture on Facebook to a picture of myself…my logo.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: With the French colors behind it. Right? Didn't even make a statement.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Just…just…a show of solidarity, and it's not slacktivism, because I'm not expecting anything to change. (Dick giggles)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: People are like (goofy voice) "Hey Maddox, it's…Maddox…slacktivism." No it's not, idiot!

Dick: Ehh.

Maddox: Because I'm not doing it to change anything. It's just a show of solidarity with all my French friends. So…that one, simple act of just changing my profile picture. Just hateful, shithead, after shithead, after shithead!

Dick: Like what?!

Maddox: Every single one!

Dick: What did they say?!

Maddox: Tsh. I can read it right now.

Dick: Yeah. Load it up. I wanna see what's hateful.

Maddox: Alright. For example. There's a meme going around…it shows some guy crying, throwing his hands up in the air, and it says #terrorismhasnoreligion. "Stop noticing demographic trends. Remember Hitler. This is pure coincidence. Shut up. Shut up."

Dick: Yeah. That's what I'm…I'm complaining about that guy. That's a…

Maddox: No.

Dick: That's a "Not all Knee Jerk".

Maddox: No, he's not. He's saying…he's being sarcastic. It's a sarcastic tweet. It's a sarcastic post.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: There's another one here…

Dick: So he's what? He's saying…he's making fun of those people, just like me?

Maddox: He's saying sarcastically that we should not look at demographics…demographic trends of who's causing this terrorism to happen. He's suggesting it's all Muslims.

Dick: Ohhh, that's a big leap!!

Maddox: No, that's not. That's what he's saying. That's what these guys are saying.

Dick: See, I don't think…that's my problem with these knee jerk, not all blank knee jerks. Is…it's just binary thinking to them. Like…(stammers) you can't have a conversation about anything involving Islam and terrorism and specifically this attack without them jumping down your throat like you're making some blanket accusation about a fourth of the planet!! When nobody is doing that.

Maddox: They're…a lot of people are doing it, Dick! Way more than you think!! You…you…

Dick: On Twitter?!

Maddox: Your head is in the fucking sand here, buddy. I will…I will double down on this. You're absolutely, 100% wrong. There are a lot of bigots out there. A lot of 'em are saying "Turn the Middle East to glass." These people on my forums? They're posting pictures of Richard Perlman, the journalist who got beheaded. They're like, "Yeah, this is what Islam is." And "Religion of peace? Yeah, right." They're all saying that shit, man. There's a lot of 'em out there. There are a lot of bigots out there.

Dick: Hmm. Yeah, I'm with you on there being a lot of bigots out there. I don't think Twitter's reaching them. I don't think comments like "I'm beyond proud to say that my best friend is Muslim"…"The term Islamic terrorism is entirely unnecessary. Terrorism is an atrocity regardless." (growls, annoyed) You know what? I dunno. You say there's a ton of bigots out there. I…I think that these people…these knee jerks are being overly politically correct and they're killing any sensible conversation about this.

Maddox: Well, what's…

Dick: (interjects) Like you don't think it has ANYTHING to do with it? ANYTHING at all?

Maddox: Well, if you look at the statistics, Dick, no. I don't think it does.

Dick: What are the statistics?

Maddox: I think it has more to do…I made this argument several episodes back when we talked about terrorism.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I said that I think it has more to do with poverty and ignorance. And you don't see…generally speaking…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: You don't see terrorism…like, people in…affluent neighborhoods blowing themselves up. You don't see people in affluent neighborhoods just leaving to go…to…(stammers)

Dick: You're talking about in America.

Maddox: anywhere in the world!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Anywhere in the world. Even..even the Middle East. Look at Bahrain. How much terrorism comes out of Bahrain?

Dick: I have no idea.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: But…

Maddox: Do you know anything about Bahrain?

Sean: Bin Laden's family was fabulously wealthy.

Dick: Has tons of money.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I…that's why I say, Sean…with…with few exceptions. But Bin Laden was also…

Dick: (interjects) He's a pretty big exception, I would say!! Bin LADEN.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he had shitloads of money. So now we're back to the original conversation!

Maddox: But he's…but…(tries to talk)

Dick: Which is…so what's the real problem, here?

Maddox: But Dick, Bin Laden is one man. He didn't fucking fly the planes into 9/11, did he? (Dick scoffs) Into the World Trade Center?

Dick: I think he had something to do with it!

Maddox: And…and WHO did he recruit? A bunch of fucking poor, ignorant, suggestible dullards! A bunch of morons. Same thing with Hitler! Hitler was a smart guy, right? He's very charismatic. He's a great orator. He's able to manipulate people. He's able to tap into that emotion and then harness it for hate.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's what Hitler did! Hitler himself didn't kill 6 million Jews!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: His…his peons did! The…the ignorant people. The people who are suggestible. The people who are emotionally manipulated! Those are the people that Bin Laden got to fly into those planes. Notice how Bin Laden didn't fly into the planes! Of course. He's sitting in a fucking mansion somewhere. But that was HIM. That was the one guy. But the people who are doing these terrorist acts…they're the…they're the most ignorant, the most poor.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: And that's how…that's how they become such fanatics. Is because they don't have…any…any grounded world view. They don't have any way to relate to anyone else outside of all…all they're taught, day and night, is their religion, but…

Dick: (interjects) See, there you go! Now we're back to the conversation we should be having, which is, "Well how much does religion play in this whole thing?" Which is a sensible conversation.

Maddox: No, it's not!

Dick: How is not a sensible conversation?

Maddox: Because, Dick, out of 1.6 billion Muslims…

Dick: Again, we're back to the…NOBODY thinks 1.6 billion Muslims are terrorists.

Maddox: Dick, let me finish this point, okay?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Out of 1.6 billion Muslims, if this religion instigated hatred, or killing, or terrorism, we would all be dead. 1.6 billion Muslims. For some…there must be something else.

Dick: I mean, that's exactly why no one believes it, 'cause it's absurd.

Maddox: Right, it is absurd.

Dick: Like, yeah. No one thinks…like, stop saying it. All these fucking…"not all blank" kneejerks. Stop fucking saying it. We all are on the same page.

Maddox: Nooo.

Dick: We can…oh, like you're gonna convince some hillbilly on Twitter. Hey, uh…hey, unreachable person who's consumed with bigotry and hatred, let me reach out with this touching tweet that not all Muslims…like we all fucking know! Not all Muslims. But there's valid…there's a valid conversation to have about the ISSUES in Islam that might be contributing to this!!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Might!

Maddox: Fine. Fine, Dick. You wanna make that argument? Then let's…let's look at video games. Right? Let's look at video games. Uh…when Dylan and Harris Klebold, uh, whatever. Those guys that shot up Columbine.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They went through their houses and they found that they were playing the video game Doom. And they said that Doom is a very violent video game.

Dick: Great game. Yep.

Maddox: It's…

Dick: It's true.

Maddox: It has Satanic overtones.

Dick: True.

Maddox: You know what? Maybe…

Dick: It's in Hell.

Maddox: Maybe they got…maybe they got inspired by this video game.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And then people said, "Well, that's a real shitty argument, because millions of people play these video games and don't go out and shoot schools." In fact, Japan…biggest country on Earth, I think, that plays video games, amongst the populace. Millions of people in Japan playing these violent video games, but not going to shoot up schools. So what's the difference between those two shitheads who went and shot up their school…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the millions of people who play video games and don't?

Dick: This is a great example, because this is a…you are exhibiting this knee-jerk, this not all blank kneejerk reaction. It is…it is absolutely valid to look at violent video games and wonder what they're doing to kids' brains. That is 100% something that we might wanna do. That we should do, not with my money…(Sean chuckles) but it's certainly…certainly a valid response. Like, I…think that violent video games encourage violent thinking.

Maddox: You think that?

Dick: I happen to think that, yeah. And I think…I think a brain study would back up, because you're sitting there, being violent, hunting, and satisfying base impulses. Now…remember. I am totally for everyone playing violent video games. But I'm not against asking the question, "Hey, you think these violent video games are maybe fucking with kids' heads a little bit? You think we should all look at that and then maybe let people make…let parents make the decision of what they're doing with their kids?" That's totally reasonable. And in that exact same way, it's worth looking at this and saying, "What's going on here?" Why are all these…why are all these people going "Allahu Akbar" when they're causing all this fucking mayhem. Let's ask…let's ask the question! What's the big deal! We asked the same question about Christian fundamentalists when they're all anti-gay. We have no problem with going…saying, "What's the deal with this?" "Why are all these Christian fundamentalists so anti-gay?" We can sit there and have that conversation. But we cannot have the exact same conversation about Islamic fundamentalists.

Maddox: No, because…first of all…they're…(stammers) I don't even know where to begin here. Um, Dick…what you…the argument that you're making now is so pointless and futile, because you're saying that because we have this problem, that happens to be with Islam…these Islamic terrorists.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Which, by the way, they're not even the majority…the majority of the terrorists…excuse me. The majority of the terrorism that has occurred in Europe is not Islamic.

Dick: Did you just look that up?

Maddox: No. I…I brought that in as a fact several episodes ago.

Dick: Well…what is it? What is it?

Maddox: In…in Europe?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's separatist groups. They're people who want independence. They're people…like, for example, in…uh…

Dick: Yeah…(skeptical)

Maddox: Yeah. They're separatist groups. They're doing explosions, uh…like, in Thailand, there's…there's um…there are groups in Thailand. There's groups in France. I can pull it up. I have it. I have it right here.

Dick: Well, I don't think you need to, because we understand that. Like, you…you say that they're separatist groups, and it's like, "Oh. That makes sense, then. They just want their own country. They want more money. They want more of what they're giving away to whoever is running the country, probably poorly if they're causing a revolution."

Maddox: Here, I got this, right here.

Dick: Doesn't matter. I just conceded the point. (papers shuffling)

Maddox: Um, yeah. The majority…the majority of terrorism…look this up.

Dick: Did you hear my answer, though?

Maddox: Yeah. I did. I did.

Dick: Yeah. So you understand what the separatists want. Like, it's perfectly acceptable. Like, nobody says…nobody's on Twitter going "Not all separatists want that." Like, "Some of us are peaceful. Unnnnnnnhhh." (goofy voice)

Maddox: Dick. It's not "some of", okay? We're talking about the majority. So here's why your…what you're suggesting is stupid. To even look at violent video games as a potential cause.

Dick: Why?!

Maddox: I'll tell…

Dick: (interjects) Why is that so offensive?!

Maddox: I'm about to fucking explain it, dude!!! It's stupid because…you look at the statistics. If less than one half of one percent of people who play video games, violent or otherwise, are committing mass shootings, guess what!? I think it's pretty fucking safe to say it's not video games! Same thing with Islam. Same thing with Christianity. Same thing with Jews, or any other thing! If the majority, over 99.999 percent of people who do that thing don't fucking commit crimes, and mass shootings, and bombings?! It's probably pretty fucking safe to say…(yelling) because if you even study that, what are you gonna find!? What are you gonna possibly find that's going to link that activity that MILLIONS of people are doing…with killing people?! Because it's already fucking there! The statistics are already there! You don't have to have that discussion! It's just a discussion steeped in bigotry! That's all it is!

Dick: Even with video games, it's steeped in bigotry?

Maddox: Abso…no, with Islam, it's bigotry, but in video games, it's ignorance. It's just scapegoating.

Dick: It's always something bad!!

Maddox: Of course it is!!

Dick: Like it's…this is exactly why I think it's a problem. Especially with violent video games. Like…it's worth looking at.

Maddox: Why?! The statistics don't back up your theory!

Dick: I don't have a…oh, my theory that…

Maddox: (interjects) That violent video games might contribute to violence. Yes.

Dick: Oh, no, I didn't say violence! I said it might encourage violent thinking.

Maddox: Violent thinking…but…

Dick: (interjects) It's still…it's still…an action is very different than the thinking.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: But it's…it's completely valid. To look at what the effect of these games are on kids.

Maddox: Wh…again…

Dick: (interjects) That's 100% valid!

Maddox: Again, Dick. If y…if 99.9% of people who have that violent thinking aren't…aren't acting violently, you're wasting money. You're wasting your time.

Dick: Wasting money under…trying to understand what effect video games has on kids…I just…I totally disagree with that. Again, I don't wanna pay for it…

Maddox: (interjects) Well, okay, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) But I don't think it's stupid to look into.

Maddox: Fine. Fine. Totally reasonable argument. You know what? When people who drive drunk get in accidents and wreck…uh, wreck their cars. Kill people. You know, let's not eliminate the possibility that maybe the car is influencing them into having reckless behavior. Maybe…let's look at the psychology behind the type of car they drive. Maybe it's Corvettes. Maybe it's a Ford. Maybe it's a certain brand. Let's look at the leather inside the car. Maybe there's some correlation between the leather seats and people who drive recklessly. Let's look at um…the color of the car.

Dick: Studies like that exist.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: There's studies on bumper stickers, relating bumper stickers to aggressive driving.

Maddox: Sure. But if you were going to make the case, say, that all red cars contribute to reckless driving. And then you look at the statistics and say, "Well, over 99% of people who drive red cars don't drive recklessly, so…"

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Isn't it safe to say we can toss that out?

Dick: I don't know what you're tossing out in this case, though.

Maddox: This…the theory.

Dick: Like, you're…(stammers) let's just keep it to video games, 'cause I think we can have a more sensible discussion about that. The theory of…"Eh, maybe they got something to do with it." Like, maybe they're not the healthiest things to let little kids play. " Is not crazy. That's got nothing to do with red…you're reading something. What are you reading? (Sean giggles)

Maddox: No, go on. I'm listening. I'm listening.

Dick: No, no. You're not listening at all. What are you reading? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: I have.

Dick: You haven't been listening the whole time.

Maddox: No, I have been. I have been. But there's a lot of…

Dick: (interjects) What are you reading about?

Maddox: I'm reading that there are a lot of comments. I'm just, like, scrolling through my profile picture comments.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Where just one idiot after another is saying, uh…you know, "Yeah, it's the religion of peace, but it's not, because it's Islam."

Dick: Yeah, there's a PC over there…there's a PC…go ahead.

Maddox: Huh?

Dick: No, no, no. Go ahead.

Maddox: No. They're all saying…they're all saying that…you know. Essentially, it's the same argument. They have blinders on, because every time one of these incidents happen…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: They're very dramatic, right?

Dick: Well, they're horrifying!

Maddox: Of course it's horrifying.

Dick: Yeah. Vote up terrorism.

Maddox: It's…it's very horrifying. Um, it's very dramatic. But, uh…relatively speaking, if you combine all the terrorist deaths done by Islam in the last five years in Europe…doesn't even compare to the number of terrorist deaths caused by one American, Timothy McVeigh. In Oklahoma.

Sean: That..

Maddox: Yet, people…

Sean: (interjects) Then why do you need to say it?

Dick: Yeah…yeah. Why…like, everyone knows that. Why are you…

Maddox: (interjects) They don't, Dick. They don't!

Dick: Yeah, I…

Maddox: Look at these comments!

Sean: But again…you're not gonna…you're not gonna sway them! If they want to believe that, you're not gonna sway them by saying, "Oh remember, guys, it's not all Muslims!"

Dick: Timothy McVeigh's worse? Like, none of those people would argue that. Would they?

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: He's like, "Oh, Timothy McVeigh. Uhh…" Like, they're not comparing terrorist acts! They're saying…in my opinion. They're saying, "Hey maybe we should look at this Islam thing and see why it always seems to pop up.

Maddox: It doesn't…

Dick: (interjects) Like, I don't think that's crazy.

Maddox: It doesn't always pop up.

Dick: Or bigoted to say.

Maddox: Yeah, it is. Because again…

Dick: (interjects) I…

Maddox: (interjects) Dick, the argument is…if you have a statistic that says 99.9% of this certain thing…

Dick: (interjects) But no one's doubting that.

Maddox: No, but, but…to even…to even suggest that it might be Islam is deeply offensive…

Dick: (interjects) How is it…

Maddox: …and insulting…

Dick: Wait a minute. How is it suggesting that it's Islam?

Maddox: That what? What do you want to look at? What is the study you want done that will satisfy…that will say…then you can finally wipe your hands clean and say, "Okay, we're good with this."

Dick: I'm not interested in wiping my hands clean. I think that's part of the misunderstanding here. Like, I don't…I'm not looking for a number. I'm not trying to solve for X. I'm wondering why is it that this always sh…like, I brought in terrorists. I said, "What is it, poverty?" Looked it up. That counterterrorism expert wrote in and said no. It's not that.

Maddox: No, he's wrong! He's fucking wrong! I brought in the stats and showed him!

Dick: (scoffs) He…

Maddox: (interjects) He said there is no correlation, there is no evidence. He said…these are his words. He said, "There is no evidence that shows that countries with the biggest…with the most poverty increase…have the most levels of terrorism." And I looked it up, and it's…it's absolutely fucking true! All the countries with the most poverty, the greatest income disparity, the greatest wealth inequality…all the countries right along the line, Iraq, Afghanistan, they all have the highest incidence of terrorism!

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: You're telling me that…that we need to start looking at the teachings of Islam, where 1.6 billion people are not violent. Are not doing these acts. We need to…give an equal amount of weight to both of these ideologies. To both of these theories that maybe poverty is…is correlated to it, versus rel…this…this religious doctrine?

Dick: I don't know why it's so offensive to so many people to suggest that we look into it. Like, what's…what's the deal here? With all these people? Why are they…why are they manipulated by this specifically? Right?

Maddox: A…are you insane? (stammers) It…it…it's just like the video game argument. Why look into it…

Dick: (interjects) Which I think is valid to look into!!

Maddox: Okay. W…

Dick: (interjects) Video games always pop…what's going on with these video games? Why are they…what kind of effect do they have? It seems pretty…it seems to always pop up.

Maddox: It doesn't.

Dick: It seems extreme. That's all.

Maddox: It doesn't. You have blinders on. That's what the media…

Dick: (interjects) You don't think violent video games make people a little bit violent in the head? Kids? With not completely developed brains? You think that…I mean, how many hours of violent video games should they be playing every day? I don't think 24. I think that's a little bit too much violence.

Sean: Well, here's the question. Once you have the answer, what do you do about it?

Maddox: I don't know.

Dick: I don't even know what form the answer would take.

Sean: Uhh, take Islam, for example.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: What if we do find some kind of link? What do you do about it?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Well, then, I don't know? I mean, that's like, what did we do about…what did we do about gay shit? Christian fundamentalists hate gay people, right? They're trying to wipe it out! What did we do about that?

Maddox: But Christian fundamentalists are a sliver of…of the pie. They're not representative.

Dick: Yeah, ohhhhhhhh. I don't know.

Maddox: No, they're not! No, they're fucking not. Here, you know what? Let's talk about this! Let's talk about Christian terrorism, 'kay? The Lord's Resistance Army. You ever heard of this?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Well, yeah you have. You heard about it in 2012, 'cause that's KONY. Joseph Kony…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, the African guy?

Maddox: From the Lord's Resistance Army. He's…he claims that he only has one law, and it's the 10 Commandments. (Dick scoffs) and he abides by the 10 commandments…

Dick: (interjects) That's 9 more.

Maddox: …he's a very fucking religious dude, right?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: He's doing the Lord's work, killing, raping, capturing, and indoctrinating people!

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's a Christian terrorist. Right? But when we think of terrorism, we're only thinking about Islam, because that's the only thing that ever comes up.

Dick: And I don't…I don't have a problem with labeling that…

Maddox: (interjects) No, hold on!

Dick: …as a Christian terrorist.

Maddox: Hold on, Dick! That's fine. But…why aren't…why aren't these same people, right? Why aren't you saying, "Well, let's…let's take a look and maybe and see if Christianity is the cause of this." Because clearly, it fucking isn't. Clearly, the majority of Christians aren't the Lord's Resistance Army.

Dick: Why is nobody saying "Not all Christians are like that"? Like, nobody…we take it for granted, right?

Maddox: Because it's not the narrative that the media can sell. The…(stammers) Islam, terrorism, like, it goads people into this argument.

Dick: Are they selling that narrative still?!

Maddox: Absolutely.

Dick: Oh, man. I don't know about that.

Maddox: Sean…Sean, something interesting you said, uh…this is a really important question. I think everyone should think about this. Is…what do you do about it? I…I had an argument with a friend a long time ago, who told me he had this professor at uh…I think it was at Carnegie Mellon. And he said this professor wrote this paper that's very, uh…controversial. And very contentious in academic circles, because he's making the case that black people have lower IQs…

Dick: (interjects) You said this on the podcast before.

Maddox: Right? Okay. I…

Dick: (interjects) You did the whole thing. Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. So, uh…for anyone who hasn't heard that, that's essentially the gist of it, right? This guy's…this guy's saying that black people have lower IQs, etc, etc. If that…let's just say. Let's just ignore all the evidence. Let's give it. Let's grant it.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Let's just say that it's true.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What do you then do about it?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What can you possibly do…how is that information even useful?

Dick: Well, I'll tell you what you do in the case of, uh, Christian fundamentalism. You find the Pope and you say, "Hey, tell everybody it's okay to be gay." So when you go to…when you find that there's something wrong…that there's some THING, maybe there's something in Islam that might be a little fucky, maybe some hidden rules that 1.6 billion people don't follow, but the fundamentalists do. You go find the head of it, and you say, "Hey, can you, like, disavow these rules and say that it's not okay to kill in the name of Muhammed? And to protect Islam? Can you, like, disavow?"

Maddox: Because that's what would…that's what would fix that problem. I…

Dick: Hey!

Maddox: If the Pope had come out and said, "Hey, Lord's Resistance Army, just to clarify about those 10 Commandments? Um, there's no raping." Then the Lord's Resistance Army would suddenly sit back and say, "Hey, that's a good point, Pope. Thank you for telling me." This guys, Dick…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Are going to be doing whatever they're gonna be doing, no matter what, and they're gonna find justification to do it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it doesn't matter if it's religion. It doesn't matter if it', if it's land. If it's some different ideology. If it's revenge. If it's poverty. Whatever it is, they're gonna find some reason to attack people, and religion is SUPER easy to do, because people believe it! It's super easy to manipulate people who are religious. And also poor and desperate, and impoverished. These are not wealthy people who are doing this. I think that poverty has a MUCH higher correlation than..than religion does.

Dick: Eh, maybe. I don't know. I'ma listen to that expert, though. You said it didn't…I know you said he's wrong, but…

Maddox: He's absolutely wrong, and I posted the statistics. That guy…I mean, that guy's job relies on there always being terrorism, right?

Dick: Oh, you think he's ginning it up?

Maddox: He's absolutely wrong.

Dick: But you think since his job relies on terrorism, he's like…

Maddox: Well, it's politically…

Dick: …you know, confusing people to keep the machine going?

Maddox: It's politically shaded, for sure.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: I think it's politically shaded, for sure.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. But, uh…the evidence is absolutely there. Look it up. And Dick, I want you to…can you do this favor for me? After this podcast is over…I want you to hop on my Facebook page and just look at the comments.

Dick: I don't…I don't wanna go read comments on your Facebook page.

Maddox: Well…(scoffs) I mean, that…(stammers) It's essentially affirming what you're saying. These guys don't exist. These knee-jerk "Not all Muslims" or "Not all Blank", whatever. Those guys.

Dick: Yeah. I think that bigotry exists, but I have…this specific problem is with these "Not all Blank" kneejerks, because I brought in other examples of them doing this, like, I didn't wanna dwell on this terrorism shit for that long. But it seems like they show up and just ruin conversations by repeating things that nobody thinks, to an…it's just a big echo chamber. Like, they're getting in there and telling each other this feel-good nonsense that everybody already knows. Like when that #YesAllWoman hashtag happened?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And then the #NotAllMen happened? It's like, could you shut the fuck up with the not all men? Nobody is saying that! That's not what this is about at all! Just like in this c…it's not about that at all, right now!

Maddox: Well, if you click on some of those tweets where people are making these comments and look at the conversation, like, click on the "View Conversation", 'cause it shows you the thread?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It's usually in response to somebody making a…making one of these statements, like "we should all turn 'em to glass." "It's all Muslims." Etc, etc. This…I…this…

Dick: That's an extreme statement.

Maddox: Yeah. It's an extreme statement, but it exists, and it's out there, and I am…I am shocked and overwhelmed by the sheer amount I have seen in my Comments section on the website.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's really, really disheartening. Um, I…I encourage you to look at it. I mean, if you won't even look at it, Dick, you're ignoring that the problem is there.

Dick: No, I just don't wanna read a bunch of repetitive, bigoted comments, like…(Maddox scoffs, giggles) Like, why would I…why would I go do that?

Maddox: To…to…

Dick: (interjects) On the Internet? I'm not…like, Internet comments don't really faze me as much as they faze you.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: (interjects) Like, I'm not gonna read it and go, "oh my…" get the vapors over it. It's like "Oh, okay, well…"

Maddox: But, Dick, you cannot…

Dick: (interjects) It's mostly kids venting!

Maddox: You cannot make the statement that nobody's making these comments and then when I point out that they are, and I tell you exactly where to go to read them, you say, "Well, I'm not gonna read them." You can't…both of those things can't exist. You gotta choose one.

Dick: Here's what I know. I clicked on the words on Twitter. I don't see any of that shit. All I see is "Not all Muslims". Everybody be careful. You don't want to offend…a quarter of the planet! We can't talk ab…you don't even mention it! I'm already…I'm already preapologizing for anything that might happen! One guy's already afraid of the violence that Muslims are gonna suffer 'cause of white extremists. I'm like, "Give me a fucking break, here."

Maddox: They do. The Sikh temple got shot up because of some white dipshit extremist. Because he listened to this narrative, and then went in there and shot 'em, 'cause guess what? Sikhs…look…look Islamic. Sikhs look ethnic. Let's just go in and shoot a bunch of Sikhs. Peaceful fucking Sikhs who have nothing to do with Islam or ANYTHING…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He doesn't…he doesn't even do the basic amount of research? Like…(giggles) he wants to go shoot up a madrasa or something…he fucking picks a Sikh temple?! That's…that's what this is resulting in! I don't take it lightly. The people who…who believe this shit, Dick, are way, way, more than you abs…than you might think, and if you're not even willing to look at the comment thread to see why they're saying that…then that's a problem.

Dick: Why do you think I'm not willing to look at the fucking comment thread?

Maddox: 'Cause you just said.

Dick: I just don't want to waste time! You read one…it seemed like a smartass comment. Like, I've read shitty comments online before. I know what people say. I just don't think these kneejerk jackasses are helping anything.

Maddox: Well, that's a different argument. If you wanna say they're not helping…who knows. I mean, maybe…maybe you're right. Because saying shit online, uh…

Dick: (interjects) They're just in a big circle jerk. That's all it is, is a big circle jerk. Like, every time there's any kind of cop violence, "Oh, not all cops!" Not all cops! Like, nobody's fucking saying it's all cops, but they're trying to open up a conversation about this, and you fucking idiots are so eager to congratulate yourselves for being so progressive and sympathetic to everyone, you can't even stop to think about it for ONE second, critically. Like, you're SO terrified of anybody generalizing, ever, that you stop thinking! That's my problem with it.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, um…I think that…I think you have to be careful which…which one of these things you look at. Because…uh, when you start to turn…when you start to say, you know, turn the critical eye on any ideology that billions of people are into, right? Be it, umm…Buddhism, or Islam, or Judaism, or Christianity, or whatever, which I don't think there's a billion Jews out there, but…um, if you start to turn that…that glass towards that, they might start turning the glass towards, oh, I don't know, say, uh…Western Imperialism. Which is how they view…

Dick: (interjects) Good!!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Everybody look at everything! Fuck your beliefs and your religion!! Eviscerate it! It's all tradition, which is stupid! Take it, tear it apart, find what's wrong with it, and stop it! I don't have a problem subjecting any of these things to a microscope!

Maddox: If you…if you…if the majority of whatever ideology are peaceful, it's not that ideology. I…I will go on the record as saying that. I believe it absolutely.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The majority of all these ideologies are not violent.

Dick: People are not these things. Like, all…any of these…like, all of these billions of Muslims around the world? They're just people going around. Like, they're not even…they…they're not even doing the exact religion. I mean, you know that. Everybody…everybody knows that. Whatever they call themselves, they're not doing exactly what the scriptures tell them to do. Right?

Maddox: Well, there's varying degrees, yeah.

Dick: I mean, they're not a robot. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They pick and choose.

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: And they got their own religion in their head.

Maddox: That's the point, yeah.

Dick: Everybody fucking knows…EVERYBODY knows that! EVERYBODY knows that! Stop congratulating yourselves for thinking you're broadcasting this to the world!

Maddox: Well, if you're saying that everybody knows that, but just even a few minutes ago, you said…

(Dick Masterson INSTANT AMNESIA!)

Maddox: (giggles) You said, a few minutes ago, "Why doesn't the Pope come out and say, "Hey Christians, why don't you…why don't you be more tolerant towards the gays?"" You just said that…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And now…now you're saying that nobody's going to…everyone's gonna believe whatever they want to a degree anyway. So, I mean, that's the problem, Dick. Like, people are gonna find some justification for whatever shitty beliefs that they want…whatever shitty agenda they have, they're gonna find a justification for it, be it religion, be it land, be it some ideology. Nationalism.

Dick: Yeah. So they all deserve to be attacked. They fundamentally all deserved to be deconstructed until they have NO power! I'm fucking tired of defending ANY ideology, and this one is a big one. They should all have their belief system torn apart and the bad parts should be exorcised like a fucking cancer! That's what I think. That's just one man's opinion, though.

Maddox: One point…

Dick: (interjects) I'm not a professional in this field.

Maddox: 1.6 billion people should be…should have their ideology torn apart, because…

Dick: (interjects) No, 7 billion! Not 1.6. 7.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Everybody.

Maddox: Even though there's no evidence that the ideology causes this.

Dick: The ideology in and of itself should be deconstructed, just because it exists.

Maddox: Oh, well, yeah. I mean, that's what…that's what theologians do. Religious scholars do that all the time. They look at different religions and see what's in common, what's not in common.

Dick: Well…I think we should be allowed to have this conversation.

Maddox: You are.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You are.

Dick: I'll get a lot of shit for it.

Maddox: If there were, say, a million or two million of these people around? Even then, it's a small minority, but then I'd step back and say, "Okay, well there's a lot of 'em."

Dick: Wait a minute, two million of what?

Maddox: Terrorists.

Dick: Well, see, but then you get into the other conversation of what…how many people sympathize. Like, how many people…are down with Sharia law…

Maddox: That's a different…

Dick: …and then you're like, "Well, now I need to…now I really wanna start asking hard questions about what's going on here!"

Maddox: No.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: That's…

Dick: Without offending, like, without, (goofy voice) "Unnh, not all…not all 1.6 billion." Yeah, I know, I KNOW! I know it's not all 1.6 billion! But let's ask some harder questions than just "it's poverty". Money doesn't fix everything!

Maddox: No. Money doesn't fix everything. But…uh, it is poverty and ignorance. You don't see really well-read, highly-read, highly intelligent people blowing themselves up. It's not them. Those aren't the ones doing it. You know who…you know the really smart ones? The really smart terrorists? They're the Osama Bin Ladens, who are just…(inaudible)

Dick: (interjects) But that's the dangerous one!

Maddox: Well, yeah, but we…

Dick: (interjects) Like, that's the worst one!!!

Maddox: Right, but you get them. But the ones who are causing the trouble, like, the henchmen, are just ignorant, poor people!

Dick: The henchmen don't even get credited in the movie. It's just "henchman". He's got no name. The henchmen don't fucking matter!

Maddox: (interjects) But the henchman are…

Dick: They're the poor ones!

Maddox: The henchman are the problems. In…in World War II, Hitler…World War II Germany was really feeling down on themselves, because…

Dick: (interjects) They were down in the dumps.

Maddox: Everybody…

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: Everybody came down on them after World War I. Everybody! And Germans were not feeling proud. Germans were not feeling good about themselves. And Hitler tapped into that emotion and said, "No, you know what? We're not only good, we're the best."

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: We're the best people, and it's these fucking Jews who are the problem!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Let's turn our attention towards the Jews, who are actually the bankers! And…and maybe he had some stick up his ass about a Jewish banker sometime, but he…he characterized that as the problem, and then that turned into fascism.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But the people who carried out his orders…they're not the ones…they're not the ones, uhh..(stammers, giggles) They're the ones who are being emotionally manipulated. And same thing with these people right now. There's this whole argument. I think I read it on Slate or The Atlantic a while ago, where this guy was talking about how many Islamic men who go into terrorism might feel so downtrodden and down on themselves because of their lifestyle and because uh…they don't have much. All they have is their religion. It's…it's almost like…(half-laughs) It's almost exactly like an American gang. Gang members only have their pride and their reputation.

Dick: Sure. Yeah.

Maddox: And when you try to take that away from them, they lash out and they'll do it at any cost. That's why we have a gang problem. That's why we have a terrorism problem. I think they have something really, uh…really big in common.

Dick: Yeah. I'll give you that.

Maddox: Yeah. Um…

Dick: You wanna do your problem?

Maddox: Well…maybe…maybe these poor people…

Dick: (interjects) You got time.

Maddox: Yeah, that…that's fine, but I just wanna say one more thing. Something that could actually help out some of these poor people. Uhh…Muslims, or gangs, or…anyone, is saving 5 dollars.

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. Uh, did you know it's Movember? Do you know what Movember is?

Maddox: Oh, that's the one where everyone grows out a…a mustache, yeah?

Dick: Yeah, everyone grows out a mustache.

Maddox: Yeah. Alright.

Dick: Yeah. Movember. Everybody grows out a mustache. Harry's is the official partner of the Movember Foundation.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And will be donating their money. I think I might have read…I read on their website they're donating, like, 5% or something like that? For, um…lemme see here.

Sean: So, see? It's not the majority. (Maddox scoffs)

Dick: Yeah. For helping raise awareness for men's health…it's prostate cancer, right? Is that Movember?

Maddox: I think so, yeah. Movember is for prostate cancer.

Dick: Yeah, prostate cancer.

Maddox: I mean, against prostate cancer. It's not FOR.

Dick: Oh it's not FOR?

Maddox: No!

Dick: Harry's is not promoting…

Maddox: It's not, no.

Dick: It's not encouraging you to stick a microwave wand up your ass?

Maddox: Misconception. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Give yourself prostate cancer?

Maddox: No. Huge misconception. They are not about that.

Dick: Hey, Harry's delivers a superior shave for an incredible price. They bought the razor factory in Germany, so if you think you're gonna pick up cheap razors downtown or something that are Harry's quality, you are definitely not.

Maddox: You're dead wrong!

Dick: You're dead wrong. They sell at factory direct prices and it only costs a fraction of the price. That guy who called in, our friend with the bad haircuts?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He's a Harry's user.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, big time. 'Cause he saves a ton of money.

Maddox: Sssssssmooth as a baby's bottom. His own baby's bottom! (giggles)

Dick: Oh, wow. Go to, enter promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM, save $5 off your first purchase.

Maddox: They'll ship it right to your door, guys. Nothing more convenient. Uh, really, really high quality blades. And it supports the show. Thank you so much, guys! And for tweeting these at Harry's. They've been, uh…they love the…

Dick: (interjects) They tweeted us back!

Maddox: Yeah. They tweeted us back.

Dick: Yeah, they tweeted us back today.

Maddox: Yeah. Super cool. And they tweeted us a little emoji of a punch. Like a fist punching.

Dick: I think that was a brofist.

Maddox: Oh, brofist!

Dick: Yeah. Not as…

Maddox: Well yeah, but it…

Dick: Let's give 'em credit. Let's give them the benefit of the doubt and say it was a punch to the face!

Maddox: Every..(giggles) every brofist is a punch, and sometimes that punch is met with another brofist. (Dick giggles) Anyway, guys. Dick, I got a problem. I got a real big problem.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Bigger than yours, but only…(Dick laughs) I think so. I think it's bigger than yours.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I think it's the root cause of this. I think it's…Zealots!

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Dick: Oh, zealots.

(Sound effect: Applause)

Maddox: Yeaaaaaah!! Zealots! Zealots are the problem.

Dick: Thought you were gonna bring in something…I thought you were gonna bring in something a little lighter to…(Maddox laughs) balance out the heavy problem…and a light problem. Boy, was I wrong.

Maddox: Ohhh, nope. Just a bit, long, heavy d…(laughs)

Dick: You don't have a light problem in there?

Maddox: Heavy duty episode. (grins)

Dick: You wanna get really into the…same…the same type of problem for the entire show. Okay.

Maddox: Well, I…but I have…I have different types of zealots in here. (Dick guffaws) Uh, because…there's…there's different types, and it's important to…it's important to realize that zealotry of all different colors and shades are…problems. Uh…as we know, there's ethnic and racial supremacists, right? Those are definitely zealots. There's political or ideological zealots.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which…we…we haven't even gotten around to that.

Dick: America was founded by those people.

Maddox: By zealots? (giggles)

Dick: Political zealots, yeah.

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: They were really into…they really had a hardon for freedom.

Maddox: Yeah, well, I think they just…they just got tired of taxation from, uh…from overseas.

Dick: That is the same thing.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) There's those zealots. There's religious fanaticism…right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Promoting religious views to an extreme! That's what caused this whole shit! That and poverty. (Dick and Sean crack up)

Dick: You better not cut that out!

Maddox: No!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: No, why would I? It…

Dick: So it had something to do with it.

Maddox: Well…they used it to manipulate these people, yeah.

Dick: Okay. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Now we're talking!

Maddox: But…if it's the exact same doctrine that everyone else is reading, all 1.6 billion of 'em, and 99.999…

Dick: (interjects) Nobody reads that shit.

Maddox: 99.9% of them are not acting out, then it's pretty safe to say that's not the cause. (surfer voice) It's also…a large part to do with poverty. And ignorance. And lack of education.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh…then you have anti-religious fanaticism!! 'Kay? This is….this is one where people think, "Well, you know, I'm an atheist, I just do my thing, I don't bother anyone." But…man, I fucking hear from them! Allllllllll the time!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…and have you ever heard of the…

Dick: They're called sophomores. (Maddox laughs) That's what they're called.

Maddox: Yeah, they are called sophomores.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Idiots. Um…have you heard of the Militant Atheist Movement. Have you heard of this?

Dick: No. (scoffs)

Maddox: Yeeeeeah. No…

Dick: (interjects) What's their battle uniform?

Maddox: Not too many people have.

Dick: A bunch of fedoras and overcoats?

Maddox: Well, uh…I think they actually did have…they have an insignia, I think, and there was some kind of uniform. But this was really popularized in Russia, uh, I think by Lenin, in the forties. In the late thirties, early forties. And he promoted this extreme form of atheism. It was the extreme Atheist movement.

Dick: Oh, this is a real, like…

Maddox: It's a real thing.

Dick: …militant thing. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah, no. It's a real thing. This is the Militant Atheist Movement. In 1940…this is from Wikipedia and there's a whole article about it, but "over 100 bishops, tens of thousands of orthodox clergy, and thousands of monks and ley believers had been killed or had died in Soviet prisons and the Gulag." They actually went around and rounded up these…these…

Dick: Religious people?

Maddox: Monks. Any religious people! And then…and killed a lot of 'em. Lot of bishops and priests, they were just rounded up and killed. There were these atheist churches that popped up. Not quite churches, but they called them enli…like, houses of enlightenment, or whatever, where they would go and read poetry and talk about science and all these things.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: It was kind of like…you know. Uh…(giggles) r/atheism's utopia on Reddit.

Dick: Sounds awesome.

Maddox: Yeah, it was real great until they started killing hundreds of thousands of people.

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: Um, there's consu…what do you mean, (skeptical) yeah? (giggles)

Dick: It's better than a violent video game.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Do it in real life.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Same thing. (giggles)

Maddox: Um, yeah. You can be religiously fanatical. You can be…anti-religiously fanatical. There's consumer fanaticism.

Dick: Ohh, I know who you're talking about now!

Maddox: Who do you think?!

Dick: Uh, Android fanboys, right?

Maddox: (cracks up) Get the fuck out of here, it's Apple! Idiot. iPhone and Apple idiots. These guys…so there's this…there's this study…

Dick: (interjects) Are you talking about fanaticism, 'cause I know that Apple people identify, like, the Apple logo in the same part of their brain as religious iconography.

Maddox: Yeah! It's true! They've done all sort of studies. There's a study here called "The Dark Side of Consumer Fanaticism". It says, "Research has shown that some products or brands have fanatical followers who remain highly enthusiastic, devoted, and whose loyalty remains unwavering despite countersupportive facts and information or persuasive arguments to switch. While many organizations would benefit from having such devoted fans within its consumer base, some authors have pointed to the detriment associated with such rigidity, inflexibility, and dogmatism." And they go on and they say that fanatical followers sometimes even hurt the company that they are in support of.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Because they can be so attached to the existing brand or products and can be so highly resistant to change that they can retaliate against new product launches and/or brand repositioning, leading to its demise. That's…that's actually what happened to Coca-Cola in…in the mid eighties?

Dick: With New Coke?

Maddox: With New Coke, yeah.

Dick: Didn't it taste like shit, though?

Maddox: No. They still make new Coke. People liked New Coke, but they were resistant to the change.

Sean: Wait, they do?

Maddox: Yeah. A lot of people.

Dick: They still make new Coke?

Sean: No, they make new…I don't think they make New Coke.

Maddox: Didn't they?

Dick: No, they…

Maddox: You know…

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: They..I believe they tweaked the formula. Actually, you may be right, Sean.

Sean: Well…well, that's the thing. Like, they always say, "Oh, original formula". Soda manufacturers, for 100 years, have constantly changed their formula as things become cheaper. You know, they make a higher profit on it.

Maddox: Right.

Sean: That's…NOBODY sticks to the original formula.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They want you to think that, but they get tweaked all the time!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Their mistake there was announcing it. Actually, I don't know if you guys remember…

Dick: (interjects) So you…you think that people actually just lied about the taste? Like, they would have preferred it, or they would have not even noticed if Coke hadn't told them that they changed up the formula?

Maddox: I don't…no. I don't think people would have noticed.

Dick: Oh, man. You're very cynical.

Maddox: No, I…

Sean: (interjects) I wish I remembered what it tasted like, 'cause I definitely remember when it came out.

Maddox: Yeah. I think that people who…(giggles) first of all, I'm talking to the two biggest idiots when it comes to the taste of Coke. (Dick giggles)

Sean: Oh, goddamn it!

Maddox: Joker number one and joker number two. You gu…you dipshits couldn't even tell the same exact sample of Diet Coke!

Sean: That was…that was flat, ice was bullshit.

Dick: That was flat. Ice…yeah. (Maddox laughing)

Sean: That was such a bullshit test.

Dick: That was bullshit. That was a bullshit test.

Maddox: Yeah, you…bullshit. (laughing)

Sean: Fuck you, and your Coke test! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You know what, Sean?! Say anything you want, you failed my Control, which is, you couldn't even recognize the same two samples!

Dick: Well, it's true.

Sean: You wouldn't know a control if I shoved it up your ass! (they crack up)

Maddox: Ahhhh. Peppery Sean! Welcome back. People were loving your shitty comments. Real shitty comments last episode.

Sean: Well, when you open the door a little bit, like, I mean, you talked about BANGS, for fuck's sake!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, whatever.

Dick: What did you mean to say?

Maddox: You know what I was talking about.

Dick: No, no, no!!! Well, we know what you were talking about.

Maddox: The front area!

Sean: She was cutting my bangs, or something like that.

Maddox: The front…where my bangs would be, that's where she was! (Dick laughing) And I don't appreciate these comments! Someone in the comments section said, "Hey Maddox, did your barber go down the beach and come back with an apron full of sand?"

Dick: I saw that one. (giggles)

Maddox: No!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Idiot. It was tits! Big ol' boobies in my face! It was wonderful. For her. Anyway, there's leisure fanaticism. People who just love to party and have leisure…excuse me, pleasure, to extremes.

Dick: Yeah. Fanatics!

Maddox: These are people…yeah. Well, they're zealots.

Dick: Okay, yeah.

Maddox: Fanaticism is zealotry.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: It's zealotry. It's belief of something…

Dick: (interjects) Different words, though.

Maddox: Well, I got the definition.

Dick: What's the definition?

Maddox: I got the definition. A zealot is a fanatical and uncompromising pursuit of religious, political, or other ideals. It's fanaticism.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's what zealotry is.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: So leisure fanaticism. These are people…you think, "Well, what's the big deal, man? They're just having a good time, man." Smoking pot. Fucking around all day. Watching TV. Well, guess what?

Dick: (scoffs, giggles) Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Maddox: Yeah, what's wrong with that? I'll tell you what's wrong with that. They're bums.

Sean: Sounds like a dangerous person. (grins)

Dick: Yeah. Sounds like a weekend. (chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah…

Dick: What's the problem? (giggling)

Maddox: Sounds to me like a weak link who's leeching off society! Someone's paying for 'em!

Dick: Ohhhh. What, are they taking your video games from you? Leeching off society. (incredulous)

Maddox: No! Someone's paying for them! They're not getting jobs. They're not leading productive lives! They're a drain on the economy. They're a drain on everything.

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: They're a big drain! Flush 'em down it! Sports fanaticism.

Dick: Oh, they are annoying.

Maddox: This is a HUGE problem, kay? (Dick laughs) Do you remember?

Dick: Well, I don't know about a huge problem. Okay, go ahead.

Maddox: Ohhh, okay. It's not. Um, but…(Dick laughs) It's a problem! And it's huge. (mumbles) (laughing) It results in serious death or injury, riots, millions of dollars in damage…you remember back in 2011 on opening day in Los Angeles, there was a guy..

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that was awesome, I got kicked out of that game.

Maddox: No, it wasn't awesome, Dick. 'Cause it ruined one man's life.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, three…three men, actually. But some guy…his name…uh, let's see. I don't have his name here. Oh, it's Brian. Brian. Well, I forget his last name. His name is Brian. But anyway, he was…

Dick: Hammerhead.

Sean: Stowe.

Maddox: Yeah, Brian Stowe, that's his name.

Dick: Oh, that was his name.

Maddox: Brian Stowe. He was walking out of the stadium, I believe, and he was attacked by LA Dodgers fans after attending a game against the Giants. He was put into a coma, received traumatic brain injury, has to take 13 medications every day, he has to use a walker to move around, he has to take two different types of anti-seizure medications..

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: He lost all this time and he's on disability permanently. He's permanently disabled.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because of sports fanaticism.

Dick: (goofy voice) Oh but Maddox, not all fanatics are like that. I dunno…

Maddox: Actually, they are. Actually they are, Dick.

Dick: (goofy voice) Not all fanatics attack fans outside the game.

Maddox: Yes they are! Yes they do.

Dick: (goofy voice) There's millions of fans out there and they don't ALL attack people. Look at the stats.

Maddox: Well, that's a different argument. If you're saying fans, true.

Dick: (goofy voice) There's billions of sports zealots out there that don't attack people.

Maddox: Right, but…

Dick: (interjects) See, nobody jumps to the defense of sports fans!

Maddox: (goofy voice) But Dick, um, shouldn't we look at sports as an ideology?!

Dick: Yes! Yes you should! They're aggressive!!

Maddox: (goofy voice) Shouldn't we deconstruct and see what about sports causes these fanatics to fight other people!?

Dick: It's the aggression and the alcohol! It's part of sports!! Yes, it should be like that!

Maddox: You know, did you see…did you see these two shitheads who attacked this guy?

Dick: I…I…you wanna know something?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got kicked out of that game at the same time that guy was getting beaten to death. How weird is that? For throwing a beer at a Giants fan.

Maddox: Yeah…you threw a beer at a Giants fan?

Dick: I threw a beer at a …yeah, he was dancing…

Maddox: (interjects) You're the fucking problem, dickhead! (yelling)

Dick: He was…no, he was making faces and dancing, and I was like, "Oh, I'll put a stop to this. Wham."

Maddox: What an asshole!

Dick: Grabbed a beer and winged it at him.

Maddox: You're a fanatic.

Dick: That's fun!!!

Maddox: Yeah, fun. Fun, but some guy got beat to death and was permanently disabled.

Dick: Well, I wasn't part of that. But they…the phalanx rolled out…

Maddox: You could have been, if this guy…

Dick: (giggles) I could have been.

Maddox: If those guys…if that guy you threw the beer at turned around and started picking a fight and maybe his buddies jumped you? Guess w…that could have been you, dude.

Dick: Oh, please. Giants fans? (Maddox laughs) I'll punch them back to San Francisco. (Maddox sighs) Welcome to LA, bitch! So they roll out the phalanx to throw me outta this game, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was there with my life coach.

Maddox: What are there, Romans there?

Dick: No, no! They rolled out, like that…the cards in Alice in Wonderland.

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Like Hup, hup, hup.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: They get like 30 guys to kick me outta this Dodger game.

Maddox: Oh, 30 guys!? Please. You flatter yourself! (laughing)

Dick: I…I don't know why they used that many guys! I just thought it was funny that all these guys are, like, unfolding, like a deck of cards! I'm like, what the fuck…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I…it doesn't take this many people to kick me outta the game! So they're all un…they all unfold. All the way up the stairs, and then this one little dude with a different-colored shirt comes walking around, marching up the stairs, he goes, "YOU!!" You're out!!" I'm like, "Ah, well. This has been fun, guys. But I'll see you later." So I…I go out with him…on a date. No, he kicks me out. He was like, "Do you know why you got kicked out?" I was like, "Yeah, I threw a beer at that guy who was doing a little dance." He goes, "Well, you know. People have been getting hit with…with beer bottles in there. What do you think about that?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm like, "You guys don't serve glass beer…you don't serve any…shut the fuck up. It was a plastic cup! I'm out of the game, alright? And he's like "Oh, okay." So I'm waiting for my life coach out there, outside of the game, thinking he would get up and we could go to Pacific Dining Car like we always do.

Maddox: No, he's…(giggles)

Dick: No. He doesn't leave.

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: I found out later that he switched seats and moved into my seat so he could talk to the girl that I'd been talking to…(Maddox laughs) for the whole game. And he said…as soon as he sat down, he's like, "Hey, so, you know, what's your dad like?" (Maddox groans) And she goes, "Wow, I've never seen a white guy get kicked out of a Dodgers game before."

Maddox: Hmm. Half Mexican, though.

Dick: Well, she didn't know.

Maddox: You know…uh, you know, Dick. (goofy voice) Um, I think that it's worth looking at, you know…

Dick: (interjects) You're back on this now?!

Maddox: Sports. The sports ideology that…that causes people to be violent. You know…and I'm tired of people saying it's not all sports fans, because CLEARLY this is happening! It's happening all the time! Shouldn't we look at sports and see what about sports is causing VIOLENT thoughts?!

Dick: Yeah, that's the joke I was making.

Maddox: It wasn't a joke, you dickhead! That was your argument!! (yells)

Dick: No, that's the joke I was making that…yeah. I explained it to you.

Maddox: Yeah, about video games. About video games.

Dick: And about sports, and then I said that it's…violent..(giggles) That it's violent, and of course it encourages violence.

Maddox: I…well, the majority of people who watch sports aren't violent.

Dick: Maddox, this is the joke I was making when I said it. You NEVER hear somebody say, "Not all sports fans!" (goofy voice) "Not all sports fans!" Like, it's this…it's very comparable.

Maddox: Yeah, but it's 'cause nobody is ever saying that sports are the problem that's causing this violence. Although, although…

Dick: (interjects) Of course they contribute to it!

Maddox: No, although…there is…there is an argument now…it's kinda starting to catch momentum. They are saying that sports may be causing the athletes themselves to be violent towards their spouses and partners. There is that argument that's starting to gain momentum.

Dick: Okay, wait. Lemme…lemme…lemme…just, as the voice of someone…of the non-retard on Earth, like, I'm saying of the whole Earth, like, I feel like I have to start speaking for someone who's just not screwed up by TV.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sports…100% contribute to aggression. Let's just…let's all agree on that, okay? We don't need any studies to prove it. Of course they do. That's the nature of sports.

Maddox: Uhhh…..

Dick: That's what makes them great.

Maddox: (snorts) Okay. I can't…I don't know…I don't even know where to begin to deconstruct that. Like…

Dick: Of course it's true!!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: You think you kick someone's ass on the field, and then you just walk off and put on, like, a top hat, and go, like, "Oh, well, jolly good game, sir." I..(stammers) "Let's leave our differences on the field." FUCK no!!!

Maddox: Yeah. Well…there was a period in my life where I played sports, and I wasn't more aggressive. I don't think I was.

Sean: You played sports?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, beach volleyball.

Maddox: I played base…I played baseball. Fuck you! I played b…(giggles) I played baseball.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: What kind of…what kind of football bat did you use? (Maddox giggles)

Dick: Wait, wait, wait.

Maddox: You dick.

Dick: Can you…can you explain the infield fly rule?

Maddox: No. I don't know…I don't remember all the rules.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I probably never even learned it back then.

Dick: Wh…what do you mean, were you, like, 8? How old were you when you played sports?

Maddox: I was…I believe 13…14 years old.

Dick: Were you playing with 8-year-olds?

Maddox: I was about 14 years old. Noo. (grins) (Sean giggles) I was playing with other 14-year-olds, dickhead!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. I played sports. I didn't feel like I was more aggressive. I…(stammers) I don't feel like the majority of people. Look, man. (Dick snorts) When people do these things…when people…

Dick: (interjects) I'm generalizing again. It's so offensive, I know.

Maddox: Yeah. Vote up zealots! Zealots are the problem. Zealots are the ones who get kicked out of football games. Zealots are the ones who beat people within an inch of his life and put him in a coma, so he can't even spend time with his family and his kids anymore.

Dick: I…I think that's, like, a criminal, though.

Maddox: Z…yeah. Most zealots…most zealots who act on their shit are. Most Christians…

Dick: (interjects) Not all zealots. (grins)

Maddox: Most Christians…(giggles) I would say…the majority of zealots.

Dick: This is what it's like with these people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just "not all everything"! All the time.

Maddox: Ehhh. You know what, Dick? If that was your argument right from the get-go, that would have been so much better.

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: 'Cause that's kind of funny.

Dick: Well, that's where I was going, but it got shanghaied by all this terrorism shit.

Maddox: Yeah. I mean, it's a big problem, man.

Dick: What could be worse? Yeah.

Maddox: You know, um…(stammers) the Westboro Baptist Church is NOT representative of ANY Christians. Except themselves.

Dick: Well, they're just a bunch of lawyers. Like, that's…they do that to get money. That has nothing to do with religion. And anyone who talks about it negatively is just promoting their brand. Like…all they do is try to get attacked so they can sue.

Maddox: Uh…I don't know enough about that.

Dick: It has nothing to do with beli…oh, yeah. No, no.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Go..go look at it. It's…

Maddox: (interjects) I mean, it sounds plausible. I'll give you that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It does sound plausible.

Dick: They don't give a shit.

Maddox: No, they're dickheads. They're dickheads. They're dickheads. Anyway, man. Zealots. Zealots is my problem this week. I have another one…what are we doing…we're WAY over.

Dick: Waaaaay over.

Maddox: Way over, way over. This a really long episode, guys. Enjoy. Enjoy the extra…(giggles) the extra…you got some extra bang for your buck, which is nothing. Oh oh!!

Dick: Just like you'll get at Harry's. What?

Maddox: Uh, speaking of, though…we…a lot of fans are asking about Season 2…of the bonus episodes.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Coming soon, guys. We're gonna…I think we're launching it in December. What's that?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A week from now? (laughs) Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah. We're launching Season 2 in December. We got a lot of exciting stuff coming. Thank you for supporting the show.

Dick: The apple test was really taking a lot of time to plan properly.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Alright guys, so my problem was Zealots. (closing riff starts) The biggest problem in the universe. The root cause of Dick's problem. And what was yours?

Dick: "Not all Blank" Kneejerks. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Thanks for listening.

Dick: Cause they're the jerks, get it? It's another one of those wordplay ones.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Maddox, and Dick. Do you know what the biggest fucking problem in the universe right now for me is? Target. You know, what's wrong with Target? I mean, it's a good retail store. The biggest fucking problem is, they don't observe the ESRB rules of Mature games. (They giggle) So I go in trying to buy Fallout 4, but they're like "Fuck you, you're not 18." And I'm like, "Fuck you, your store policy is 17." And they're like "Go fuck yourself." And I'm like "Go fuck yourself." And then I actually don't. So what the fuck is wrong with Target not observing the fucking ESRB? Go suck a dick, Dick, and go suck a dick, Maddox."

(they laugh)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: What a nerd. (laughs)

Dick: I hope that exchange really went like that. Like, I wish every exchange in life went like that. Like, "Oh yeah? Ah, fuck yourself." "Ah, fuck you, buddy."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, see ya.

Maddox: (laughs) Alright, later. And he went home without a video game.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. People do actually enforce the ESRB. Depends…I think the more conservative the town, the more likely they are to enforce that bullshit ESRB. Which…you have to be…you have to…consider the fact that playing violent video games may make you think more violently. So it's…it's good that they're…that they're doing that.

Dick: I'd be…man, if there was, like, a study that came out mapping a person's brain while they were playing violent video games, and comparing it to, like, actually committing violence, if that Venn diagram wasn't a circle, I would be shocked.

Maddox: Dude…

Dick: Like, that's why they're fun. 'Cause it satisfies violent impulses.

Maddox: No. They have been trying to pin video games with violence for sooooooooooooo long, and they've done SO many studies that have no correlation between more aggressive behavior. I mean, they found that sometimes when kids play…

Dick: (interjects) See, I'm not saying behavior. You keep skipping straight to behavior. I'm not saying behavior.

Maddox: You're saying thoughts?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, what difference does it male?

Dick: I'm saying…

Sean: Mmm, acting is a whole other level.

Dick: Well…yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Okay, but what difference…I have violent thoughts all the time. I had, like, 10 of 'em throughout this episode.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: What difference does it make? (laughs)

Dick: It's interesting. It's saying that they're not totally innocent. Like, if you're sitting there encouraging yourself to have violent thoughts, and if you're already prone to something bad? It's bad. Like…

Maddox: Well…

Dick: …no one's bl…you gotta get outta this binary world. There's, like…we're either gonna ban 'em or we're not. Like, people should just know that this is an effect of them. That's…I'm fine with that.

Maddox: Yeah, well…if it's not…

Sean: (interjects) But what's wrong…

Maddox: What?

Sean: What's wrong with having more information on which people can make choices?

Dick: We're not afraid of that, are we?

Maddox: Because Sean, they're disingenuous. They are doing it specifically to pass legislation to ban video games because a bunch of fundamentalists…a bunch of zealots. A bunch of fanatics are trying to ban video games 'cause they don't like them. They don't like the influence. They don't like the message. And they don't like that they can't control their kids. I remember when…a long time ago…

Dick: (interjects) See, this is the real reason, though. This is why you are afraid of the answers to these studies, 'cause you know that they're gonna use them for evil.

Maddox: Well, sure.

Dick: Right? Yeah.

Maddox: That's the only reason they're looking into it.

Dick: That's the difference.

Maddox: They're not interested. They're not doing it out of curiosity. Again, when 99% of the people who play video games are not violent, we know the answer. We know that it's not a problem.

Dick: Mmmyeah. Mmwell. (hesitant)

Maddox: You don't need any more evidence than that.

Dick: Okay, I got one more.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys. This is Sam, calling from Oregon. Look. I love this podcast as much as the next guy, but there's one thing that's just been driving me fucking crazy, and it's that Sean has not yet brought in a problem. (giggles)

Sean: Oh, God. (in the background) (Dick and Maddox laugh)

"I mean, look. I love having Asterios on. All the other…well, most of the other guests have been great. (Dick cackles maniacally, Maddox laughs) "

Dick: Always accurate! (grins)

"I just really wanna see what Sean comes up with. So, Sean…get your shit together, man."

Dick: Sean, get your shit together.

"Bring in a problem. Oh, Dick, go fuck yourself.")

Dick: Aaaaaawwwwwwwww!!!

Maddox: We don't need it. We don't need it, Sean. We already got cool Sean. Cool Sean's got it covered.

Dick: I don't want Cool Sean to bring in a problem. I want you to bring in a problem.

Sean: No, no, no. I will.

Maddox: Yeah? You'll bring in a problem, for real?

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Yes!! Yes, I will.

Maddox: O…or..or, Sean, we're gonna put this out there for you…a solution. Think about it.

Dick: No, I wanna hear Sean rant!

Sean: Mmm, okay. (they laugh)

Dick: Great, fuck you.

Maddox: Well, there you go. (laughing) I have a feeling. A really h…a really strong probability that Cool Sean's gonna be back.

Dick: I dunno what you care about, though.

Maddox: Sean?!

Dick: I've never seen…I've only seen you lose your cool a couple times.

Sean: Really?

Maddox: I thought Sean's…

Dick: Yeah, I've seen you lose your cool over a tr…a tray of wings that you had that your brother made you carry.

Sean: Oh, that was good.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah. No, that was exerting will.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: So you have to have the will to do what the other one will not.

Dick: Yeah. That's a good sibling fight.

Sean: And he…he blinked.

Maddox: Sean, you got…I know you got problems, and I KNOW that they're gonna be good, 'cause you're a reasonable motherfucker. And…(stammers) with most things. You s…you suck dick at being to tell good Coke from the other one! You can't even tell the same sample!

Sean: Goddamn it.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Make fun of me now.

Sean: Okay. (Maddox laughs) You're ugly. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Eat shit!!! That's…(stammers) y…that's a shit move!!! You're being an i…

(file cuts off)