Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 77
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Misdemeanors to Chafed Weiners! (Sean and Asterios laugh) With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Asterios, and Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Welcome back, and welcome Asterios. Dick couldn't make it this week. Welcome to the show.
Asterios: Hey, look! Look! I've got big shoes to fill. He actually left his gigantic fucking shoes here.
Maddox: His SHITTY TOMS!!
Asterios: And I'm…I'm trying…(laughs) these are some very nice shoes!! But um…this worked out super-duper well, 'cause I was coming in town for the week anyway to get as drunk as possible with my friends.
Maddox: And how's that been going?
Asterios: Uh, I have two giant glasses of whiskey in front of me. (Maddox chuckles) And I'm gonna see how deep in the bag I can get over this episode. And look, you know what? I'll leave it up to the listeners to decide just how slurred my speech gets. (chuckles) So I'm looking forward to it. But this worked out well. Dick couldn't make it. I'm here. You got free booze. Let's get this going!
Maddox: Yeah. I'm glad you copped to the two full glasses of alcohol in front of you. (Asterios chuckles). 'Cause I would have totally busted you on that, buddy. Yeah. And we're not…
Asterios: (interjects) There's nothing to bust!
Asterios: You can't bust someone who's super proud of what they're doing.
Asterios: Oh, my lord!
Maddox: Fair enough.
Asterios: This room is NOT spinning ENOUGH. (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: That's what I want. I want…I want my life to be a centrifuge by the end of this episode, and goddamnit, Maddox, you get me there!
Maddox: You'd better keep it down! You too, Sean! No more…no poop barf shenanigans! (Sean laughs)
Asterios: Poop barf shen…what?!
Maddox: A couple of episodes ago…
Asterios: I missed something, clearly.
Maddox: Sean…Sean dry heaved because I was describing a story where I wiped my ass with a bunch of autumn leaves.
Asterios: How did I miss this?!
Asterios: I listen to every frigging episode. Why…why were you wiping your ass with autumn leaves?
Maddox: My mom locked me out of the house. (Asterios cracks up) Alright. Great parents. Um, so…last week…
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: The problem with the most votes is the Zombie Apocalypse Planners.
Maddox: Followed by Halloween Not Being Recognized As a National Holiday. That was our guest, Roger Barr's problem.
Asterios: Mhmm. (drinking)
Maddox: Followed by Zombies, and then dead last, Dick's Haunts problem, which NOBODY thought was a problem, in fact, they thought it was a solution.
Maddox: Haunts. Haunts! Haunts are…because haunts are a fun thing to do! A fun place to go.
Asterios: Mmmm. (skeptical)
Maddox: A fun thing to do.
Asterios: All the haunts I heard on that episode sounded fucking terrible!
Asterios: Spending 70 dollars and then, with a chick, 140 dollars to go out on a boat and not be scared, and have to buy more liquor, that sounds…that sounds like rough seas, buddy.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. It was rough seas. That was horseshit! I was on that thing, right?
Asterios: Oh, well then, you should know!!!!
Maddox: No, it was awful!!
Maddox: I was on that thing, and I thought it was a good thing that it didn't go out to sea. There was this haunted ship, and…they advertised that it went out to sea. It didn't really, it just went out into the harbor.
Maddox: Uh, if it did go out to sea, I would have been stuck on that shitty boat longer. I did go to a haunt, though, over the weekend.
Asterios: Tell me about it.
Maddox: It was…a haunted hayride.
Maddox: And it was not haunted. At all.
Asterios: Okay. (chuckles)
Maddox: It was just…you know…
Asterios: Uh-huh. (laughing)
Maddox: Um, there might be something to this libertarian thing…(Asterios guffaws) with regulations and all that shit. 'Cause those fuckers were so meek. They're so afraid to hurt you! 'Cause there was this lady, over the weekend…
Maddox: Who was on a haunted hayride. And one of the workers accidentally bumped into her with a metal bat, and, like, kind of, you know, busted her lip a little bit.
Maddox: So…the…the place comped her the tickets, and…and they gave her VIP tickets. Then she went to the hospital the next day, you know, after she spent all night at this haunt with VIP tickets. Then the hospital ejected her. They said, "You're fine."
Maddox: And then she went to the police! And then she said, "You know what? I'm not gonna press charges." And then she went to the news. (Asterios sighs) And then told the news. She made a big song-and-dance, and all under the guise of raising awareness.
Maddox: She says, "Yeah, I'm not gonna press charges, 'cause it was really an accident, and everything's okay." But here you are, talking to the news, and also going to the police.
Asterios: Who walks into a police station and says, "I'm not gonna…here's a crime that happened, but I'm not gonna press charges." Thanks for wasting our time, lady!
Asterios: Thank you so much!
Asterios: We're the police. We have nothing to do.
Asterios: So this is great. Great use of our fucking time!
Asterios: Yeah. I…you know what? That goddamn, attention-seeking bullshit? Everyone wants credit for every little good thing they do.
Asterios: You know, yeah. That's the sign of a bad person. Other sign of a bad person? Someone that says they're a good person.
Maddox: Oh, yeah!
Asterios: "I'm a good person." "Oh, I'm such a good person. Oh, I try so hard."
Maddox: That's a red flag.
Asterios: That's a big red flag.
Maddox: Yeah, that's a red flag.
Asterios: Mhmm. Red Nazi flag.
Maddox: Hey, you uh…speaking of Nazis and bad people…
Maddox: I got some voicemail. Listen to this one.
(Voice mail: female voice: "Hi. I just have to say that my fiancé listens to your podcast constantly while he's folding the laundry, while he's doing the dishes, while he's cleaning. "
"And sometimes, when he doesn't use his headphones, I hear them. And your voices are like nails on a FUCKING chalkboard. They have to be two of the most annoying voices I've ever heard in my entire fucking life."
"Just thought you should know that…"
Maddox: I don't know if she's ever heard her own voice, but here we go.
"…your voices make me want to bang my fucking head into a wall."
Asterios: Well luckily…
"And Dick, go fuck yourself.")
Asterios: Luckily for you, MY voice is on the episode! My mellifluous voice. (raunchy) So…instead of nails on a chalkboard, it'll be chalk on a chalkboard writing, "Have sex with Asterios."
Maddox: Ahhhhhh, that's what it is!!!
Asterios: That's what it is. You're welcome.
Maddox: Alright. I got another…another voice mail here.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hi guys. I'm a chemist. The other day, I was looking at some slides under my microscope.." (they both crack up)
"And I discovered the smallest libertarian government I have ever seen in my life." (they both laugh)
"I started doing some research, and a few days' later worth of equations and just tons of testing, my hypothesis was finally proven that Maddox has no idea what the fuck he is talking about."
Asterios: You don't.
"Dick, go fuck yourself.")
Asterios: Okay. He's not here, so fuck you, okay? If he were here, he would say, "Fuck you, buddy." Look…I don't know if you're doing it on purpose…(Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Here we go!
Asterios: I dunno if you're just trolling everybody…
Sean: That's what he would like you to believe!
Asterios: (stammers) You know what?! I think that you started out…
Asterios: And then when you realized that you didn't know what you were talking about, you were like, "I've been trolling you the whooole time!" (Maddox cackles) It's like when people make a shitty horror movie, and halfway through, they're like, "Oh, it's campy!" "It's supposed to be bad!"
Asterios: It's like…look, there are REALLY valid reasons why libertarians are, like, the WORST people in the world. You haven't outlined ANY of them. (grins)
Maddox: Okay. You know what? First…first, I have two things to say.
Sean: No, do we have to do this again!? (appalled)
Maddox: First, fuck you. (laughs)
Sean: People are…people are writing me. Like, in droves.
Asterios: You know what?!
Maddox: I know.
Asterios: I just…and I won't even fight back. I just want to put the marker down there, as an objective third party who has not been here for the past two weeks of…(giggles) this kind of argumentative fuckfest…like, you're wrong on this one, Maddox. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. I get it. I get it.
Asterios: Alright. I'm listening. I'm listening. I'm listening.
Maddox: I…here's the thing. That episode was…(giggles) kind of a clusterfuck. Uh, I was fucking around at the start. You know what?
Maddox: You know what? Maybe the homeowner's association argument wasn't the best tack to take to pin down libertarians.
Sean: Asterios…let it go. That's as good as we're gonna get. (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: I WAS JUST THINKING THAT! (yells) I just thought the same thing! Like, wow! That was almost…okay.
Maddox: Yeah. Eat shit. Both of you!
(Sound effect: 'Wrong buzzer')
(they all laugh)
Asterios: Dammit, we almost had him!!
Maddox: Whatever. Um…let's see. I got one more…well, actually, before we get to this, I…
Maddox: I should mention that uh…so, I just…I just finished…a new Sonic…
Asterios: Oh yeah!
Maddox: 3D tutorial on Twitch.
Maddox: And…today, I did…I did a Sonic turkey.
Maddox: A Sonic the Hedgehog turkey. Which I think is my…is my masterpiece. Like, you guys all shat on my…my old Sonic the Hedgehog 3D.
Maddox: But I'm curious to see what you guys think of this one.
Asterios: Now, is this that thing that you were doing…I was…I was literally at my day job today, and I got a notification that you were on Twitch, and so I opened up Twitch. And I saw you, like, using digital clay to mold a spiked dick?
Maddox: No, it was…
Asterios: (interjects) Like a…like a spiked phallus. Like a…like a dick that looked like it could really hurt somebody. Like, was that the thing that you were making?
Maddox: That was not…that was not…okay. That was not a spiked dick. It was a beautifully-rendered Sonic the Hedgehog.
Asterios: Mmm. (skeptical)
Maddox: It…Thanksgiving…'cause Thanksgiving is coming up!!
Asterios: Well, I'm…
Maddox: I wanna get people in the spirit.
Asterios: Mmm, okay. Well, look. Look. I'm a huge fan of Thanksgiving. But all I'm saying is if I saw that thing you drew walking…like, like…a 50-feet high in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, I would leave New York and never come back. It was terrifying abomination you made today.
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Maddox: That's hateful! That's hateful, that's bullshit! (Asterios cracks up) You're just a hater! That was…(stammers) one of the best things I've ever made, I think! In 3D!
Asterios: I don't know.
Maddox: Everyone loved it! Everyone. I didn't get a single criticism when I was making this.
Asterios: Uh…instead…(stammers) okay, yes. You didn't get a single criticism. You got HUNDREDS of criticisms! (Maddox giggles) You can't even make a regular Sonic the Hedgehog, so why do you think you can make a Sonic the Hedgehog/turkey?!! (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: I…I made a Sonic the Hedgehog…turkey.
Asterios: Mmmm. (skeptical)
Maddox: And it was a successful…
Asterios: Mmmm. (skeptical, taking a drink)
Maddox: It was a success. It was great. Everyone loved it. I…you know what, Asterios?
Maddox: I'm gonna put…I…I will put my reputation down on the line.
Asterios: Oh so okay, you won't put that much down on the line, okay, got it.
Maddox: Fuck you! (laughing)
Asterios: Alright. Well…
Maddox: Alright. I got…I got another voicemail.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Maddox! I am still bamboozled (Sean giggles) by the fact that you didn't…since you're such a gamer and you play video games all the TIME, (someone snorts) that you failed to notice when, um…(Maddox giggles) Robert, the dude on the last podcast, the recent podcast…"
"Said the Skeleton Key gives you access to new rooms? I…I'm bamboozled that you didn't say, "That's a lot like DLC." Well, guess what? You missed your opportunity there. Sean, please don't delete this. And…Maddox, go fuck yourself to…in…go fuck yourself to oblivion! Christ.")
Maddox: Nyeeeh. Nyeeeeeeh. Nyeeeh. Go fuck yourself to obl…what an idiot!
Asterios: That's a minute of my life I'll NEVER get back.
Asterios: Oh, my God! Why did you play that, Maddox?!
Maddox: Nyeeeh. Maddox. (whines) About that thing that Robert said last episode.
Asterios: (whines) Ohhh.
Maddox: First of all, it's Roger.
Asterios: (whines) Uh, you're a gamer. (stammers) Meeh. Nyeeeeeh.
Maddox: Yeah. Here's the thing, shithead. DLC…DLC is completely different, because you're buying content, which, by the way…they're just…they're just segregating content…
Asterios: I know.
Maddox: That they would've normally released with the game.
Asterios: I know. (soothing)
Maddox: Back in the day.
Maddox: Now, they're just saying, "Okay, well, we're gonna portion this off and say it's downloadable content that you have to pay extra for."
Asterios: Yeah. It's an additional revenue stream. No, it sucks! When we were kids, they would advertise games as hundreds of hours of content.
Asterios: Like, I remember when I got Final Fantasy III, which I think was Final Fantasy VI in Japan.
Maddox: It was.
Asterios: And they were just, like, "It's 150 hours of gameplay."
Asterios: And it's like, "Motherfucker!" This..that's…(stammers) I…it's…absolutely incredible! And now, they would take that same 150 hours, sell you 80 of it, and then sell you the other 70 of it broken up into chapters over the next six months.
Maddox: It's such a racket, dude!
Asterios: And of course it's bullshit. Of course it's bullshit.
Maddox: It's such a fucking racket! And I…you know what? I swore off of EA games.
Asterios: Mhmm, (drinks)
Maddox: I don't play any more EA games. Electronic Arts.
Maddox: Because I bought the last snowboarding game, what was it, SSX something or other.
Maddox: It took, like, an hour and a half to start the fucking game. (Asterios cracks up) Swear to God! With the installations, the updates, the…I had to sign three Terms of Service agreements just to play this fucking game! And then..
Asterios: Just to fake snowboard on some fake snow.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly.
Maddox: Yeah. Their shitty game.
Asterios: You have to go EA Origin, and oh, your Always On connection. (whines)
Maddox: Ugh. Nyah, nyah, nyah. And then…and then, uh…to..to get the full pack, so…if you buy the game.
Maddox: You have to enter this code that's on the package. It's like a 16-digit code. (Asterios cackles) and that's just so it unlocks one of the levels that you PAID FOR in the game. (Asterios laughs) And the reason they do that…you can only use that code once, because if you resell the game as a used game.
Maddox: They want people to not have all the content.
Maddox: Because they're trying to get some of that Used sale market. That's what they're doing.
Asterios: Oh, no…
Maddox: (interjects) It's such a fucking shady business, man.
Asterios: No, no. It…no, it is…like, there is sort of nothing worse than these giant video game companies trying to fuck people over. And look, I know…
Maddox: Nothing worse. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Asterios: I know that there are people……….okay. It goes "giant video games trying to fuck people over." "Sophie's Choice".
Maddox: Sophie's Choice.
Asterios: And "The holocaust that led to Sophie to make that choice" . That's my number…those are my top three problems.
Maddox: In that order. Yeah.
Asterios: In that order. It's just, like, you know…look. You…gamer, you fucking GamerGate kids can bitch all you want about, like, some lady that may or may not have had more sex than you've ever had in your life to may or may not get a review that, bla, bla, bla. But it's, like, why don't you fucking go after EA for causing…for, like, having this Always On, stupid bullshit?! There are soldiers fighting for our freedom in Iraq and Afghanistan, and they can't use their Xboxes. And they can't use their Playstations, because they have these games that require some sort of bullshit Always On connection. Like, you need an Always On connection to play SIM CITY 4. (yells) Oh yeah! There's this r…there's all this RICH content out there! On the Internet! My computer could NEVER hold all these fucking fake buildings and monster attacks!! Oh, it's just all this crap.
Maddox: Alright. Asterios…
Maddox: Let's get to a problem.
Asterios: Let's get to a REAL problem. (they laugh)
Asterios: And by "real", I mean the first problem! (cracks up)
Maddox: Let's get to the FIRST problem, which is probably not gonna be a real problem. Oh wait, and before we do…
Maddox: Uh, last week, you guys…you guys bamboozled me into saying, uh…Zombies and Zombie Apocalypse Planners.
Asterios: Yeah, that was OUR fault!
Maddox: You fucks. (laughing)
Maddox: Here's why I didn't even want zombies on the list. Because zombies aren't real and they're not a problem.
Asterios: Yeah, unlike Zombie Apocalypse…(laughs)
Maddox: Unlike Zombie Apocalypse Planners.
Asterios: Which actually, you're right. You're right.
Maddox: Which, by the way, I didn't even get…I forgot to mention this in that episode, but the zombie apocalypse planners, like, this shit is getting so out of hand.
Maddox: People are dying at parties, (Asterios gasps) 'cause someone'll get too drunk and they'll think a zombie…someone dressed as zombies….(Asterios laughs) Yeah! It's happened multiple times. It happened in Oregon at a party. It happened in, uh…I believe in Austin at a party.
Asterios: Oh, my God! Are you serious?!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. People are thinking these zombies are real, and they pick up a shotgun and blast' em. They blast their friends. (Asterios groans) They kill people at parties! It's fucking insane, these zombie apocalypse planners. That's the repercussion.
Asterios: But, you know what? I'll say, on the flipside, first-prize costumes. Because if those costumes weren't good…(Maddox chuckles) You know, when you get that spray of pellets in your chest?
Asterios: That's like saying…"Well done." (Maddox chuckles) That's the…maybe one of the best affirmations you can got. Because the thing is…like, we all wanna be SPOOKTACULAR! (yells) Everyone wants to be spooktacular! (Maddox laughs) Okay, yeah. That's the gold standard for Halloween. That's some fucking spooky shit.
Asterios: Good for those guys. (Maddox laughs) The…when I die…I wanna die having scared the SHIT out of somebody!
Asterios: I'll be on the ground and go, (whispers) "Worth it." (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Bleeding buckshot..bleeding from your buckshot wounds.
Asterios: Yeah. Bleeding from my 40 tiny wounds.
Asterios: (laughing) Not my one big wound. Oh, my God!
Maddox: That's a sh…that's a shit shot.
Maddox: That's a shit way to go, man.
Asterios: Yeah, I know.
Maddox: No. Alright, buddy.
Maddox: Let's…let's do this. Let's…get…
Asterios: (interjects) Well, speaking of video games…
Maddox: …to the first problem. Yeah.
Asterios: Okay. Let's get to the first problem. Uhh…my first problem is Cowardly Perverts.
Maddox: Cowardly Perverts! Okay.
Asterios: Cowardly Perverts.
Maddox: What…I mean, I consider myself a pervert.
Asterios: That's a good…
Maddox: Not..not cowardly, though.
Asterios: Yeah. Exactly. We're both perverts.
Asterios: The three of us are perverts.
Asterios: We like a pretty-looking lady.
Maddox: I love it.
Asterios: Even if we're on a ladder and we're looking at her through a pair of spyglasses. (Maddox giggles) We like a pretty-looking lady, right?
Maddox: That's what a pervert does!
Asterios: Exactly. We like to…we like to bring a cell phone into a ladies bathroom, leave it recording for a few hours…(Maddox giggles) pick it up later, and…
Asterios: (interjects) Just do what God's…what?!!? I'm sorry!!
Maddox: Creep. You're a creep. You're a creep. (laughs)
Asterios: Well, WE'RE creeps. Right. Exactly.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay.
Asterios: I'm a creep. You're a creep.
Maddox: Oh, sure.
Asterios: We're all creeps.
Asterios: Anyway. Cowardly Perverts. (Maddox chuckles) Now, here's the thing. There's this new game out called Metal Gear Solid V. And it has a character in it who runs around in a bikini top and ripped leggings. She murders people with a sniper rifle.
Asterios: And she never, ever talks. To the point where her name is literally "Quiet".
Asterios: Now, this is…every man's dream girl.
Maddox: Yeah. This sounds amazing. So..so…let's… lemme…lemme…
Maddox: …just go over this checklist.
Asterios: Of course.
Maddox: Okay. She's super gorgeous.
Asterios: Yep. Huge breasts.
Maddox: She's an assassin.
Asterios: Yup. Mhmm.
Maddox: This is, like, already my dream girl.
Asterios: She's Asian.
Maddox: You can…Asian! Oh, my God! Okay.
Asterios: Plus five!
Maddox: Plus five. There you got. And then…and then what else? So..so, all these things…
Asterios: She doesn't talk. (giggles)
Maddox: Already. And then she doesn't talk on top of that?
Asterios: Nope. She doesn't talk.
Maddox: That's like, "Here, you won the lottery, and also, uh, you're dating the hottest girl in the world."
Asterios: Exactly. And she's not dating you 'cause you won the lottery. She's dating you for your personality.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh.
Asterios: That's a big win.
Maddox: That's just never happened! I can't even imagine what that's like. (giggles)
Asterios: So now, this character sounds great. But here's the reason why she's naked all the time.
Asterios: Here's the reason why she can only wear a bikini top. She can on…and this is gonna be a spoiler for Metal Gear Solid V, kids. She can only wear a bikini top because clothes poison her.
Maddox: What?! (incredulous) (laughs)
Asterios: Clothes poison her. There's a moment in the game where someone puts clothes on her and she starts to suffocate because she breathes through her skin.
Asterios: Also…she can't talk because if she talks, a virus will kill her. (Maddox cracks up) I'm absolutely not kidding. If she talks, a virus will kill her. And this is what I mean by cowardly perverts.
Maddox: This is the most CONTRIVED WAY…
Maddox: I have ever heard. To get a woman naked.
Asterios: And not talking!!!
Maddox: And also not talking. (laughs)
Asterios: Yeah!!! (Maddox cackles) It's like…it's like someone bending over backwards, bending over FURTHER backwards so that they can justify their perv choice!
Asterios: It's like, "Look! If you wanna put a hot chick in a video game running around in a bikini top, just do it! Just own it! I'm a perv. I like to jerk off to video game characters!" (laughs) Just own it. Be a man about it. Or a woman about it! Be a person about it! Don't be a fucking coward about it!
Asterios: You know what I'm saying?!
Asterios: If you're gonna be a perv, own it. Don't be like, "Ohhhh, (stammers) actually, uh, there's a very good plot-motivated reason for this bikini-clad lady…" (Sean and Maddox laugh) "To run around and not talk, you see, she's been given a nanovirus and…(Maddox laughs) I'm afraid her skin…her dermal layer is how she breathes oxygen!!" It's like, FUCK YOU!!! (Maddox laughs) Fuck you for being such a goddamn coward about this. Just say "Yeah, you know what? I put a hot lady in my game because I like to jerk off. Hi, I'm…(stammers) Hideo Kojima. The guy that created the Metal Gear series."
Maddox: No, well, you know what, Asterios? Okay, look. The…the perviness thing I get.
Maddox: They're just being pervy and they're trying to justify it somehow.
Maddox: In the plot.
Maddox: That's super contrived. But Konami is a shit-show right now.
Asterios: Mhmm. (drinks)
Maddox: Real shit show.
Asterios: Tell me about it. I don't know about this.
Maddox: Well, it's awful.
Maddox: They basically closed their doors forever.
Asterios: Oh God, really?!
Maddox: Uh, Konami's done. I'll tell you what…I'll tell you what, buddy. So, I was in Vegas for a month, about a month ago. And I was shooting this game show, and every now and then, I'd pop into a casino and just check out, you know, peruse the floor.
Maddox: Uh, and it's awful and depressing as I remember. But I was walking along and I saw these…these…something I never thought I would see on a slot machine. And it is the Contra logo.
Maddox: And you're th…it's exactly the Contra you're thinking about. The old Nintendo Contra.
Asterios: Spread gun.
Maddox: Spread fun. Uh, machine gun, flamethrower, laser.
Asterios: Konami code.
Maddox: The Konami c…it's all there. And it's on a fucking slot machine.
Asterios: Oh, God.
Maddox: Konami has tu…has closed its doors to video games and moved completely to mobile and slot machines. That's all they're doing anymore.
Asterios: Oh, God.
Maddox: And I think it's just a big cash grab, because they…they realized they have all this IP that they could piss away.
Maddox: Uh, making slot machines. There's a Silent Hill slot machine coming out.
Maddox: I played the stupid Contra one. Yeah, I won 7 bucks, but fuck it, it's not worth it! I..(stammers)
Asterios: Right. To see the property that you loved as a kid turned into, like, this thing that rips off old people?
Maddox: Oh, man.
Asterios: Yeah, you're absolutely right, that's not worth it.
Maddox: It's so…it's SO sad. It's so sad.
Maddox: So I think that the…that, uh…quiet, not talking? It's contrived for sure…(Asterios laughs) but it's more to do…it's more to do with Konami being cheapskates than anything else. (Asterios cracks up) They're trying to save a buck.
Asterios: That's great.
Maddox: I think that's what it is.
Asterios: That's one less voice actress we need to hire!
Asterios: Way to go!
Maddox: One less voice actress, fewer royalties they have to pay out.
Asterios: That's true.
Maddox: They don't have to worry about casting, and all that shit, and craft services, where they have voice actors come in for their…you know, a couple hours of work that they do.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly! For their whole thing. (giggles) You got, like, Keifer Sutherland's…whenever, like, whenever they get Keifer Sutherland in the room…the saddest thing I ever saw at a casino was, someone was playing an Ellen slot machine.
Maddox: Oh, I've seen it. Yeah.
Asterios: Exactly. And it's like, you know, look, you pull the lever, and if you get the…if you get the right thing, she dances around, and blablabla. Ellen loves to dance. Anyway, I saw someone screaming at an Ellen slot machine, "Why are you doing this to me!!!?" (yells) (Maddox laughs) "Why are you fucking me like this!?" To an Ellen slot machine!! And I was just like, "I think I have to leave this casino immediately." (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, man.
Maddox: It's so depressing.
Asterios: Super sad. I know….
Maddox: All the…all the slot machines.
Asterios: I know.
Maddox: There's a Ghostbusters fucking slot machine now, man!
Maddox: Look, on top of the Ghostbusters franchise, already gone to shit because they've decided to make gender a gimmick in their fucking movie!
Asterios: Wait a minute!
Asterios: I actually…I'm not kidding. I know the woman who's writing Ghostbusters 3…
Maddox: I do too! I know her. Yeah.
Asterios: I…I saw her today at a coffee shop.
Asterios: She looks really hot.
Maddox: She is! She is.
Asterios: And um…and look.
Maddox: And she's delightful!
Asterios: No, she's super cool.
Maddox: She's a wonderful woman.
Asterios: Look. I think…I think Ghostbusters 3 could be good, because I think Paul Feig's a good director.
Asterios: And I'm not one of those people that's like, "Oh, the Ghostbusters need to be men." Like, fucking gender swap everything. Who gives a shit?
Maddox: I'll tell you.
Asterios: Let's give it a chance!
Asterios: Ghost…you know what was bad?! Ghostbusters 2!! Ghostbusters 2 was bad!
Maddox: It was.
Asterios: If Ghostbu…if Ghostbusters 3 is worse than Ghostbusters 2, I will be super duper surpr…let her fucking give it a shot! Who gives a shit!? Let the lady Ghostbusters run around and bust ghosts! Who cares?! Wha…(stammers) There hasn't BEEN a Ghostbusters movie in 20 years! Just give 'em a fucking chance!
Maddox: Huh. Oh, okay. I hadn't thought about that, Asterios.
Maddox: It's a really…really good point.
Asterios: Here comes…(Maddox laughs) here comes Maddox's bullshit bridging statement before he plays a sound drop!!
Maddox: No! No. That was…that was really thoughtful. I actually hadn't thought about that. Maybe you changed my mind. I think you may have changed my mind.
Asterios: Well, thank you. Do you have something called, "Asterios Versus Asterios" ready to go? (Maddox giggles) What the fuck are you up to, Maddox?!
Maddox: No, no, nothing!!
Asterios: And can I have more of your whiskey please?! (Maddox cracks up) Thank you so much!!!
Maddox: Help yourself. But I was just wondering, you know, um…that's a really thoughtful…thoughtful argument I hadn't considered. Uh, I was wondering if you could do me a favor and bend over so I can…
(Sound effect: Boner spring)
Maddox: …Put this…(Asterior guffaws) rhetorical torpedo right up your ass, buddy!!!! Bend over and pucker up, 'cause here it comes!! Alright?! In the original Ghostbusters…
Maddox: The gimmick was that they're exterminators, right?
Asterios: They're firemen.
Maddox: They're…no, they're exterminators, except the pests they're exterminating are ghosts. Oh wow!
Asterios: In the original Ghostbusters…
Maddox: Ooh. Ohhhh.
Asterios: …the 400-page script that Dan Aykroyd wrote, he specifically was saying, "I want them to be like firemen, but for ghosts."
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Asterios: Which is why they were in a fire house!
Maddox: You know what? That's the gimmick.
Maddox: They're firemen. They're…
Asterios: (interjects) Also, in the original script of Ghostbusters, the third act involves them going to Hell and fighting the Devil.
Asterios: Dan Aykroyd apparently wrote the original, I'm not kidding, 400-page script to Ghostbusters, while on every drug the 80s had to offer.
Asterios: But I apologize. Please continue, Maddox.
Maddox: You know what? They edit. That's what editing is for.
Asterios: That's what editing…that's what Harold Ramis is for.
Maddox: They fixed it. It was a great movie.
Asterios: Incredible movie!
Maddox: I would say, like, a 99% perfect movie. There's, like, nothing…
Asterios: What would you change about Gho…oh, you would make the ghost blowjob longer? Okay. I agree with that.
Maddox: Yeah. Exactly. Okay, so…that's the original Ghostbusters. Cool movie, cool gimmick.
Maddox: But…but Paul Feig, is it Feeg, or Fye-g?
Asterios: Uh, either one. They know who we're talking about.
Maddox: Feeg, Fyeg, Fowg, Fum. Whatever. Uh, that guy…he came out…he had the audacity to come out and just…blatantly say, "Um, I thought it would be interesting to have everybody a woman." Everybody in the ca…so his int…his…he set out as gender as his gimmick! He…(stammers) so, so, everything else is secondary in this movie. And I've seen this, like, cast picture of the Ghostbusters, it's all women, oh yay, women, women, women. But you know what? I feel like if I was a woman, I would feel insulted to be working on the set, because if I wanna…if I'm gonna get hired for a job, I wanna know that I was hired because I'm the best and most qualified person, and I beat out other people who are equally as qualified. But he…he SET OUT to make a movie with women, and that's his gimmick.
Asterios: Yeah, you know what? It is interesting that four Ghost…that there are four women Ghostbusters.
Maddox: Why is that…why is that interesting?
Asterios: Well, lemme back up and say that if I were a woman, if I were a female comedian who wanted to act in a movie, I think the last thing I would do is be, like, "I'm not gonna take this role. It's insulting!" Like, I definitely won't audition for the all-female Ghostbusters! Boo-ern!! (Maddox giggles) This sort of…oh, what's the word? This, uh…this sort of affirmative action will not stand! Take your money and give it to a white man, thanks! But the second thing I'll say is, look. If you're watching four make Ghostbusters out there. If you're watching that, let's say Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, what's his fucking name with the fucked-up brother, James Franco…and, uh, James Franco's fucked-up brother. Alright, let's say those four are the Ghostbusters. You're gonna look at them the whole time and you're gonna be thinking, like, "Okay, these guys are not as good as my heroes."
Asterios: You're gonna be looking at them the whole time and you're gonna be like, "Yeah, these guys aren't as good as the people who I literally owned the toys of."
Asterios: The…the real Ghostbusters cartoon was run by J. Michael Straczynski, an Oscar award-nominated screenwriter, who created Babylon 5. J. Michael Straczynski is, like, one of the greatest sci-fi writers of our time. And that's the guy they put in charge of the cartoon. Almost all the Ghostbusters canon, except for Ghostbusters 2, is this, kind of like, brilliant thing. And you're gonna be watching the whole time and you're gonna be, like, "Yeah, that guy's not fucking as funny as Peter Venkman. That guy's not as funny as Ray Stantz. That guy's no Egon Speng…you can put all the glasses you want on him. That girl's not as hot as Janine." That's the problem with casting male Ghostbusters. With the female Ghostbusters, you…they have the…they have the opportunity to fail or succeed on the strength of the script and the direction and the acting.
Maddox: Ohhh. Hmm.
Asterios: That's…look. That's just how I feel.
Sean: The interesting casting, though, is Melissa McCarthy as Slimer. (they crack up)
Asterios: Sean! You don't talk often, but when you do, it's always gold!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect: Applause)
Maddox: Good job, Sean. Uh, you know, Asterios…
Asterios: I'm listening.
Maddox: That's…that's a really good point. I really appreciate your argument. That…that actually may have changed my mind. I think that was…
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, great, well, then let's move on. Moving on!!! (Maddox laughs) To more pervert!
Maddox: You know what, dickhead!? Here's the thing!
Maddox: They already did this, Asterios. They already…you know what? Let's…let's make a Ghostbusters cartoon…
Asterios: Oh you're talking about Ghostbusters Extreme?!
Maddox: Yes, I am, fucker!! (laughs)
Asterios: Why do they have that goddamn Ghostbuster in a wheelchair?!!?!?
Maddox: That's the one!!!!!!!
Asterios: J. Michael Straczynski didn't write Ghostbusters Extreme!! (yelling) (Maddox cracking up) He was busy writing Babylon 5!!
Maddox: Ahhhhh. (sighs) Well, well, well.
Asterios: Goddamnit Maddox!!!!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Let's make one of 'em a Latino, and let's make one of 'em a woman with purple hair. She's a gamer. Let's make one of 'em in a wheelchair! Ah, fuck it, let's make one of 'em half-ghost and half-human!! Ohh! Who gives a shit! Let's include everyone! Let's make one of 'em a fucking hamster! Let's make one of 'em a mute! (Asterios guffaws) Let's make one of 'em blind….one of 'em that doesn't have arms! Uh, let's make someone an illegal immigrant!
Asterios: Oh, God! Oh, God help us if we have representation in our media!! (Maddox laughs) I'm so sorry it's not the 90's, where everything is four white, straight men running around solving everyone's problems!! Yeah. Okay. The 90s went overboard! I'll completely give you the fact that the Planeteers, like, probably wouldn't be friends. Like, I totally…but, like, look. We need SOME sort of representation in the media.
Maddox: (stammers) W…why? First of all…
Asterios: Oh, why!? Because…because our entertainment industry should reflect humanity!!!
Maddox: But, Asterios….it…does. I looked at…like, they were complaining that only, like 17% of the Oscar nominees were black, like, last time. I'm like, well yeah. That's actually not representative, 'cause there's only 13% blacks in the population, so that's like, right along the lines of where it should be! (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: Way to go! Way to go, Maddox!
Maddox: No, but…
Asterios: (interjects) Way to put those blacks in their place!!! (laughing) Way to…(yelling)
Maddox: I mean, here's the thing…
Asterios: That's the hill you're gonna die on!!!!
Maddox: No, no, no. no.
Asterios: That's the hill you're gonna die on!!
Maddox: You know what? You know what, fuckface? Here's the thing I'm tired of, okay? 'Cause all these…it's always women bitching the loudest, and it's straight, white, women. I'm tired of hearing straight white males.
Asterios: You know what? Women aren't allowed to bitch about shit…
Maddox: Ohhh, they're bitchy.
Asterios: Because when women bitch about shit, they get fired!
Maddox: Oh, my God!!
Asterios: Here's what women have to do.
Maddox: No, they don't!! No, they don't!!
Asterios: They have to SHUT UP and eat their feelings, and that's where Cathy comes from!!!
Maddox: Yeaaaaaah. (skeptical) (Sean laughs) Look man, I wouldn't know about Cathy…but here's the thing. It's always straight white women who are bitching about…(goofy voice) "Oh, we don't have…we're not winning. We're not winning enough Oscars. We don't have enough jobs." How…how many times are they complaining that not enough Korean representation? Or not enough Chinese representation? Or how about Inuits? Or how about Indonesians? (Asterios snorts) How about Vietnamese?! How about all these fucking people!? How about…how about one out of every six people in the world…er, actually, two out of every…out of every, uh, seven people in the world are either Chinese or Indian. How many of them do we have represented in the Oscars? Yet, the women are all…they're not…they're not fighting their battles. They're like, "Me, me, me." It's always their battles. Look, if we want to talk about representation, shouldn't we first talk about the people who are almost never represented?! How many male Asian actors…leads are there in Hollywood?
Asterios: You're gonna blame women for that?
Asterios: I mean, here's the…here's the thing. Like, you can't…I would…you know what, actually? Let me jump back for a second.
Asterios: I just wanna say…that this thing you've created is beautiful. (Maddox snorts) It's…it's this gorgeous thing. He's got this great hat. He's got these funny arms. (starts to whistle the "If I only had a Brain" melody)
Maddox: What are you talking about? (Asterios keeps whistling) (Sean giggles)
Asterios: This straw man you've created.
Maddox: (stammers) Fuck you, Asterios!! (laughing)
Asterios: Is fantastic.
Maddox: You motherfucker!
Asterios: I just have to say. The fact that you are saying that, like, that's what everybody wants. Not you. Everybody. Everybody wants the disenfranchised fighting amongst themselves for whatever scraps are given to them by old, white, corporate men. Like, yeah, okay. You know, every time someone puts out the gender gap statistic that says, uh, women get paid 78% of what men paid…uh, what men get paid, and whether or not you agree with that statistic is sort of immaterial to what I'm about to say. Someone'll then say that Latino women get paid even less. And African American women get paid even less. And…you know, the LGBT community may get paid even less. And it's, like, "Yeah, we can slice and dice this shit", but while all the minorities are fighting, all the old…(giggles) white rich men are fucking living it up on their yachts! Like, that's what they want. Like…you and me are on the same team, Maddox. We don't like all this corporate bullshit.
Asterios: Like, so…when women fight amongst thems…it's like, we shouldn't be trying to pit minorities against each other, is all I'm saying.
Maddox: They're not minorities!!!
Asterios: Because there's a bigger problem.
Maddox: They're the majority of the population! (Asterios cracks up) Women are literally the majority of the population. And you keep saying straight, white, men. Like, the original Ghostbusters, one of 'em was black. I mean, that's…that's 25%. That's statistically higher!!!
Asterios: Oh yeah! Oh…(Maddox laughs) you mean that guy that was introduced, like, in the middle of the third act, so they can explain how the ECTO containment system works?!
Maddox: I know. I know. Yeah. They originally wanted Eddie Murphy. They couldn't get him. Um, so…so here's the thing, though.
Maddox: Uh, (stammers) like, with the wage gap thing, I think it's so disingenuous, because they keep saying that MEN make 8…(stammers) make 22% more on average, but they're only looking at men in aggregate. Did you know that…that Asian men make…
Asterios: (interjects) I know all this…
Maddox: (interjects) Asian men make more than all other men! Why aren't they comparing them to Asian men, then?
Asterios: You have no idea how much I know about the w…I know SO much about the wage gap. But listen. The wage gap is indicative, I think, of a larger problem, which is that in our society, women have it harder.
Maddox: Oooooh. (skeptical)
Asterios: And…and listen. And listen. Whether or not…look, whether or not women make 78% of what a man makes, look. That's gonna be up for debate for the rest of our lives.
Maddox: No, it's not!!
Asterios: I just…
Maddox: It's not! It's not debatable! It's on politifact.org. It's done!!!
Asterios: Listen. Listen. I'm…and I've read that Politifact article.
Asterios: I'm say…when I say it's gonna be up for debate, I guess what I mean to say is people will be debating it. Because look. There's political capital to be made by the debate. The…you know. You can go out and raise money on one end of it, or raise money on the other end of it. People are gonna be using it a crutch or whatever. But listen…the thing is, um, do you disagree that, like, generally speaking, women have it harder in society than men?
Maddox: In certain aspects, for sure.
Maddox: Like, women…like, men don't have to worry about looking over their shoulder when they're walking to their car.
Maddox: Men don't have to worry about, uh..constantly getting date raped.
Maddox: Men don't have to worry about…
Asterios: (interjects) If we got date raped, that would be the best date ever!!
Maddox: …assault as much.
Asterios: Helllooooo!! (Maddox giggles) I didn't even have to pay for it! Thanks.
Maddox: Um, there's…(laughs) there's a number of th…there's a number of things that men just don't have to worry about.
Maddox: Um, but then…right.
Asterios: And look. Look. I'm not sa…this isn't one of those things to say, like, "Oh, men are monsters and women are saints." I mean, look, obviously we're all human beings. But I just think that, like, the wage gap statistic speaks to a larger rage and injustice. Women do have it a little bit harder than us. They have to…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, buddy. I…agree with you, like 90%...
Maddox: …of the way there.
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah. We…(stammers) there is some common ground here. That's what I'm saying!
Maddox: But…but, here's the thing. I just…I just saw this article come out in mic.com. Mic.com is ALWAYS talking about this. They're always saying, uh…hey, wage gap this, wage gap that. They're talking about how Iceland is now considered the most feminist country on Earth.
Maddox: Because they just passed legislature that allowed women to walk around topless. Great! I'm all for that.
Asterios: You're allowed to do that in New York, by the way.
Maddox: What's that?
Asterios: You're allowed to do that in New York City.
Maddox: Yeah. You're allowed to do that in New York, and you should be, because there shouldn't be that double standard.
Asterios: No. There absolutely shouldn't be. And…and listeners, I'd like you to Google the New York Topless Book Club, which is a group of women in New York who go to Central Park, take their tops off, and read books. It's a wonderful society.
Maddox: I've seen it. It's pretty awesome.
Asterios: It's pretty good.
Maddox: So Iceland, the most feminist country on Earth, right?
Maddox: Awesome. Awesome. So they're touting all their great statistics It's, like, one of the largest, uh, female legislatures in the world. Uh, they have…uh, the birth rate is on parity. One man…one boy…one female to every male that is born. Like, everything is parity right across the board. The one statistic they didn't talk about…
Maddox: Interestingly enough…is the wage gap. (Asterios cracks up) You know…you know what it is in Iceland, the most feminist country on Earth, where women are controlling legislature? 80%.
Maddox: Oh, that's interesting.
Maddox: Why the fuck is it 80% in the most feminist country, where women are dominating? Where women are ruling?! (Asterios guffaws) Because it's fucking not true!! They're not looking at equal jobs! They're not looking at equal pay rates! They're not…excuse me. They're not looking at equal experience. They're not looking at equal time spent. They're not looking at tenure. They're not looking at experience! They're not looking at education. (angry) They're not looking at the same metrics! (Asterios giggles) They're just taking averages! It's fucking stupid!!! (Asterios cackles) That's all it is!! Iceland…if Iceland, the most feminist country, has the same wage gap as America, then it's fucking not true, dude!!! It's just not.
Asterios: Look. Look, buddy. The thing is…it's just, again. I'll say that I believe the wage gap outrage speaks to a larger injustice. (Maddox stammers) I think if…
Maddox: (stammers) Why…again with the injustice word, right?
Maddox: Injustice implies that there is some wrong being committed. Women have higher job satisfactions than men. Across the board!! I…where's the injustice!? If women are complaining about it…like, I…(stammers) I don't have female friends who are, like, "Oh, man, I really hate my job, 'cause I don't get paid enough!" I just don't hear it.
Asterios: I'm not..I'm not debating the wage gap statistics, like, but what I'm saying is…when you're a woman in the workplace, if you…act like confident, you're called "bossy". And if you act proud, you're called "bitchy". And if you tell people what to do, you're called the "c" word. Whereas, like, if you're a guy…and look. This is just my experience. This is just…you could say this is a generalization, and that's fine. But, like, I just feel like…specifically in the workplace, women have it harder, because they have to do this thing where they gotta be, like, everybody's mom, everybody's big sister, everybody's friend, but they also have to get the bottom line. But this, but that. Like, I feel like men have more of a ….more agency. Because if a guy…is running around, telling people what to do, he's an authority. He's in control. He's commanding. He's brilliant. And if a girl's doing that, she's crazy. You know, one…(stammers) something that Tina Fey said was, like…was…Tina Fey said that, like, when they call a woman "difficult", it just means that no one wants to fuck her anymore, and I was like, "That's…brillian, Tina Fey." That's exactly right! 'Cause it's like…you know, when you think about, for example, female directions, you know? Like, uh…Penelope Spheeris. Like, um…why is it that someone like Steven Spielberg gets to direct FORTY movies over forty years, and there are all these fantastic female directors, and they get to direct, like, one or two, and they're done. And it's just…I don't know. I just feel like there's a larger sexism at play in a lot of the business world. And…I feel like an easy way to express that rage is to complain about the wage gap.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh…I wish…I wish it was more…honest. I wish there was another way.
Asterios: We all wish things…well, yeah.
Maddox: But here's..here's the thing. Here's…
Asterios: (interjects) I mean, come on. We all want things to be correct.
Maddox: Well, sure. But here's…here's…the…here's the bottom line.
Maddox: Uh, and you're talking to a guy who has hired men and women for the same projects.
Asterios: Yeah, Leah. You've hired Leah a million billion times.
Asterios: And she's an incredible artist.
Maddox: We did a comic book together.
Maddox: We split the proceeds. The same thing with…all my…the other illustrators I've hired for my books, and things. Like, I pay the women the exact same as men. Obviously, I'm an egalitarian.
Maddox: I…I absolutely believe in that. Uh, but…
Maddox: We now live in a world where we have YouTube. And we have the Internet. And we have our own means to create and put out whatever we want out there.
Maddox: And I can't wait to see what this new world brings, because if it's truly sexism that's holding women back, that…that…and some of it may be. I know…I know for sure that there are sexist guys out there. And…you know, and there's different degrees of sexism, too. Uh, but..(stammers) if that's…if that's no longer the case. If we are no longer beholden to "the rich straight white man" as the gatekeepers to let women into the club, well then, this is a brave new era. A brave new world, where we have women who…who have nothing inhibiting them to create their own content. And I look forward to it. And one of my favorite YouTubers.
Maddox: Um, probably my favorite YouTuber is Jenna Marbles.
Maddox: Uh, Jenna Mourey. I don't know if you've seen her.
Asterios: I…I know Jenna…of course I do!
Maddox: Yeah, her stu…
Asterios: (interjects) She's fucking famous!
Maddox: She's fantastic.
Asterios: She's on billboards and shit. Yeah.
Maddox: Another thing I will say, though. There's…there's a stigma against women comedians. And I will say…
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah. That's the thing. It sucks. It's harder for women than it is for men.
Maddox: You know what, though? (stammers) I don't…
Asterios: (interjects) Look…it's…look. It's not fun to talk about that shit. Like…like…I would so much rather get pissed off at women and complain about them for being bitches and complain about them for not wanting to date me. And complain about them for finding me fat for some reason! (Sean laughs) But it's like, you know…it's just like, look…generally speaking, women have it harder than men, and if women are complaining about shit, yeah, it's really easy to hear them go "Nya, nya, yak, yak, yak", but it's like eehhh…sometimes they have a point. That's all I'm saying.
Maddox: I don't…I don't. I don't…
Asterios: (interjects) But listen. I think YouTube is the perfect example. I was just using your bathroom earlier tonight to pee out some of the whiskey I've been drinking, and you have a…you have an award above your toilet that says, like…
Sean: (interjects) That was the closet. (Maddox and Asterios laughs)
Asterios: Ooooh. Exit Stage Left!! (Maddox giggles) And Maddox has an award in his bathroom above the toilet. (Maddox laughs) That says, "Congratulations, 100,000 YouTube subscribers."
Asterios: It's, like, a silver YouTube logo.
Asterios: It's adorable. And it's like…I think YouTube is a perfect example. Because there are all these incredibly funny, talented, kinda hot…like, YouTube women out there, and they're doing it. They're fucking doing it. They got millions and millions of followers and they're making content and people are responding to it, so…it's…I mean, isn't that the perfect example of when you give the means of production to the artists, other artists rise, you know? Artists that maybe you don't expect to rise.
Maddox: Ummm…I hope so, but I also don't care. Uh….(Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Asterios: Look, all I care about…all I care about personally is making a little bit of dough re mi. That's all I care about, personally.
Maddox: You know, speaking of making some dough…
Maddox: (laughs) Asterios, have you ever used Harry's razors?
Asterios: Yeah. You bought me the…(Maddox giggles) You have may forgotten this, but you bought me a kit for my birthday. Thanks, Maddox.
Maddox: You're welcome!! And Happy Birthday, buddy. (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: You're just buying so much shit for people that you've…
Maddox: Harry's high-quality German engineered blades are crafted for sharpness and precision. Did you know that? They're German-engineered blades.
Asterios: Look. I'm not sure if you've heard this, but they liked the blades so much, they bought the factory. (secretive)
Maddox: They did! They're half the price of big name drugstore brands. Free shipping straight to your door. http://www.harrys.com was started by two guys passionate about creating a better shaving experience, and I'm sure you're wondering how exactly does that shave experience happen, right?
Maddox: Um, well, Harry's bought that blade factory in Germany, as we mentioned. They…by cutting out the middle man, they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands. They ship the blades right to your door at factory direct prices. It's pretty amazing. Guys, the code is BIGGESTPROBLEM. Just go to…you get $5 off your first purchase with the code BIGGESTPROBLEM, and after using the code, you can get an entire month's worth of shaving for just $10!
Asterios: I mean, that's incredible. Absolutely. You get the razor. You get the gel. You get everything. I mean, that's a really good price. I don't shave every day, because I like to look a little dangerous, if you know what I mean?
Maddox: You do look dangerous.
Asterios: Well, thank you. That and the giant knife I'm holding. But um…I…I do want to say, I mean, I really like Harry's products, because they've kinda turned shaving from a chore into, like, this fun little thing. And Harry's sort of has the competition on the run. I'm not sure if you've read this.
Asterios: I'm not gonna m…I'm not gonna name names, but they're…but really big names in the shaving industry are starting, like, small Internet shave subscription services in order to try to undercut Harry's, so they're clearly doing something right.
Maddox: Yeah. Everyone is trying to compete with Harry's right now. Harry's has a really good model. They're doing something right. And…and our fans love it!
Maddox: Guys, thank you for supporting the show. Again, go to http://www.harrys.com. The code is BIGGESTPROBLEM. We'll link to it. It really helps the show. Thank you, Harry's, for sponsoring us. But guys…let's get to a real problem.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe this week is…Virginity Shaming!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect: Applause)
Maddox: Haha! Yeah.
Asterios: I'm on board already as a 21-year-old virgin. I'm super on board with this. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Lies. Alright, um…
Asterios: No, lies! Oh, God.
Maddox: You would not pass as a virgin, buddy.
Asterios: Oh, well, I'm not 21, so don't worry about it…(laughs) But I definitely didn't have sex until after I left college, and it was definitely a source of shame for me, so I…I wanna hear this.
Maddox: Oh, this may be for you, then.
Maddox: That's really interesting. Okay. So…I brought in the problem Shame Shaming a long time ago, because I feel like shaming is a good thing sometimes.
Asterios: Yeah. It can help people.
Maddox: I feel like some…it CAN help people. Some good, constructive things can come from shaming.
Sean: Yeah, the anti-vax movement got squashed.
Asterios: Yeah! Absolutely.
Sean: At least, it drove them underground from shaming.
Asterios: Yeah, thank God!
Maddox: And…I'm sorry for all the libertarians whose feelings were hurt about that. (Asterios cracks up) I got…(giggles) I got an email…
Sean: You said you would never mention them again.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Asterios: We're on week three of him digging his own grave!
Maddox: This wasn't…this wasn't an argument, that was an apology, Sean! That was an apology. I feel bad that the libertarians got…(stammers) you know, they got their little movement squashed.
Sean: Listen to him just DRIPPING with shittiness. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: I know. I know. We won't save you, Maddox. But I do wanna hear about this virginity stuff.
Maddox: Ahhh. I love me so much. I'm so good. Alright.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect Applause)
Asterios: As literally the person who, like…if you open up a dictionary and looked up the word "virgin", my picture would be there, I do wanna hear what you have to say.
Maddox: Good. Uh, this is from…I got an email from a throwaway account. It's John Smith. So, this is a fake…fake email. But he says, "Hey Maddox. Sorry about the throwaway email. I am a professional. I can't risk having too much of a personality." Virginity stigma, virginity shaming, one of those. He said that this should be a problem on the show, so thank you John Smith, the anonymous whoever you are. He says, "There are a lot of reasons for being a virgin. Poor social skills, not being around a lot of girls, not being able to manage school, and work, and a social life, etc. The stigma is bad. It makes it even harder for those people who DO make an effort to get laid. The stigma is so bad, that even after you lose it, the fact that you got in the game late is a point of shame."
Asterios: Yeah. For me.
Maddox: "Regardless of what's happened since, I'll always be a bit weird, because I can't talk about girls I banged in high school or university. It's bullshit."
Asterios: I can't either. Oh, my God.
Sean: You also have to…
Asterios: Did I write this?
Sean: You also have to understand that the average teenager is a filthy fucking liar. (Maddox and Asterios crack up)
Maddox: That's true, Sean.
Sean: Not all of these kids are doing what they say they're doing.
Maddox: No, I know.
Asterios: Did I write that? Did I get drunk and write that email to you, 'cause that's my entire life story in an email.
Maddox: John Smith. Yeah. So I looked into it, actually.
Maddox: There's this article on http://www.theatlantic.com . It says "According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average age Americans lose their virginities…" what would you guess?
Asterios: You know what?
Asterios: 17? Like 16?
Sean: 8? (they crack up)
Maddox: Uh…in Jared's dreams, buddy. Uh, it's actually 17. 17, you're right. It's 17 for both men and women.
Maddox: "The CDC also reports that virgins make up 12.3% of females and 14.3% of males aged 20 to 24. That number drops below 5% for both male and female virgins aged 25 to 29, and goes as low as 0.3% for virgins aged 40 to 44." But they're out there.
Maddox: Aged 40 to 44 virgins that are out there. So, this…psychologists have started looking into this to see what kind of effect this has on people, because it does have an effect. They found that the median age, I think, is about 22. Yeah, here it is. "According to a study published in the American Journal of Public Health, survey respondents who lost their virginities late, at a mean age of 22, more frequently reported sexual problems than those who lost it at a normative age, a mean age of 17.5 in the study. These sexual problems include having trouble reaching orgasm, maintaining an erection, and becoming sexually aroused."
Maddox: So the longer you wait past the age of 22, the more likely it is for you to have sexual dysfunction.
Asterios: Oh, my God. Well that completely makes sense, because you're just so anxious about it and so nervous…
Asterios: And, like…
Sean: So you're just throwing more pressure on these poor bastards.
Asterios: Well, that's…that's the pr…that's why this is a good problem, because it's, like, "Oh, my God." The longer you're a virgin, the more and more stress it causes. It's terrible!
Sean: No, 'cause people build sex up into this incredible thing in their minds that is the be-all, end-all of their existence.
Asterios: Yes, exactly!
Maddox: Right. I…I abstained from sex for a long time because I thought…well, I grew up in a very conservative town. I grew up with conservative parents, in the most conservative state in the United States.
Maddox: Utah is a very red state. Very religious. Uh, very pious. Very sanctimonious.
Sean: Yeah, You and I were actually raised very similarly.
Maddox: Where'd you grow up, Sean? You grew up in California, though.
Sean: No, I grew up here, but I grew up in the same type of, like, church environment that you did.
Asterios: I grew up in a very rural town in New York.
Sean: Oh yeah?
Asterios: Um, but one thing I didn't do was go to Makeout Point and fuck with people's vans. (Maddox laughs) So…that's where we differ.
Maddox: Yeah, I did that. I did that and I'm proud of it. (Asterios laughs) That was a fun prom night. Yeah. Okay, I was a dick. So…(Asterios guffaws) one of my first girlfriends I ever dated was a nymphomaniac.
Maddox: And this isn't…this isn't my label that I'm giving her, it's her own label. And also, it's like one of those things where you hear a girl say it, (goofy) "Oh, I'm a nympho" and you're like "Okay, shut up." (Asterios snorts and laughs) "What does that even mean!?" Oh, she was, man. Like, if I ever went over to her house. If I wasn't paying attention for more than like a minute, 30 seconds, I look around and I don't see her, her face is in my junk. She had a subscription to both Penthouse and Playboy.
Maddox: Uh…it was pretty awesome. Like, you know, to an extent.
Maddox: But…but because I was in this conservative environment, I didn't quite know what to do with that. And it was kind of a source of stress in the relationship. And you know, it was one of those things where I was always told to wait for the right woman and that's what you should do, and you know, those are the values. The conservative values that they give you. You should right til the right woman. One man, one woman. That's it. Blablablablabla. When I finally did lose my virginity, I…I was done with it, and I thought, "Huh. Okay. Well, time to play video g…" like, that's it? I didn't…care.
Maddox: It wasn't this magical moment for me. It was just kinda like I was masturbating with someone's vagina. (Asterios cracks up) (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: Well, okay. (Maddox cackles) I was…you have no idea how on board I was with you until you said that…"I'll just use this chick's vagina to jerk myself off!!" (Maddox laughs) And then I decided to play Kamatari!! Let's see how big I can make this KATAMARI!! (Maddox still laughing) Goddamn it!!! (inaudible, yelling) If only Dick was here with a whole BAG OF SAND!!! Holy shit!!!! Look. Look…look. (Maddox giggles) I'll be honest. When I lost my virginity…you know…I was 21. I was out of college. I…like, yeah. It wasn't this incredible thing. I was just like, "Okay. Alright."
Asterios: I'm not a virgin anymore.
Sean: It doesn't change you as a person.
Asterios: Yeah, that's…that's…well, I mean, unfortunately…
Sean: (interjects) My brother said one time…he said, "It just makes you a little more confident in the locker room."
Asterios: Oh, God. Yeaaaaaaah.
Sean: It doesn't change you as a person, it just makes you a little more confident in the locker room. And he's right!
Asterios: Well, 'cause it means you can, like, talk with a straight face about having had sex.
Asterios: But yeah..but, I mean, like…the chasm between having had sex and being able to have sex is HUGE. So it's like, you know, the first time you have sex, the fifth time…it's like, all these early experiences, they're just…they're not gonna be fun. You know? It's sort of the way it is.
Maddox: Yeah. Your first time's not gonna be great.
Maddox: That's why when I was talking to Dick…Dick's a vehement defender of having sex in high school. Which, he's like, "Oh, it's the best." I think it's the worst!
Asterios: Uh, if I could've had sex in high school, I would have. Are you kidding me!?!
Maddox: Ohhhh. (skeptical)
Asterios: Oh, my God! Jesus Christ! To be attractive and confident enough to have had sex in high school?
Maddox: No, but…
Asterios: That would be the best!
Maddox: It's sloppy, dude. It's sloppy. It's not good.
Asterios: Yeah, you know how you…you know how you find out if it's sloppy or if it's good or not? (Maddox giggles) If you have had sex in high school! And as a guy who, again, did not have sex until after college…(giggles) I…look, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of that shit.
Maddox: Yeah. You…you know what? The only…the only advantage to having sex in high school is…the bodies…especially of females. Look, I'm a guy. I've never had sex with a guy, so I don't know. And I don't care. And I don't…I'm not curious.
Asterios: Hmm, okay.
Maddox: But, as a guy, having sex with a woman in high school, like, you know…(stammers), like, an 18-year-old, you know, near the end of the spectrum when they're actually women.
Maddox: Uh…their bodies are very firm. Like…there's…everything's, like…
Asterios: Naaaah. Just find a 35-year-old woman who's into Crossfit. It's the same shit!
Maddox: Yeah, there you go. Yeah. There you go. Well…so, anyway, man. Uhh…the whole…the whole stigma about it…they talked about this…they talked to this guy.
Maddox: Who had a problem with, you know, losing his virginity.
Maddox: Uh..in this article. It says, "He abstained from sex because he had low self-esteem."
Maddox: This guy. Which he says, "Heightened after learning about his sinful nature at church."
Asterios: Ohhh. (painful)
Maddox: "He didn't want to be ostracized from his Christian family and friends, (Asterios sighs) and he didn't want to prematurely ejaculate while messing around, which had happened to him once in college, so he didn't have sex until he was 28. What eventually made him feel ready was practicing orgasmic meditation, which entails stroking a woman's clitoris for 15 minutes."
Maddox: "The class which he joined after hearing about it from a friend eased this guy…his name's McDorman…into being sexual in a permissible environment where he felt safe. Soon after, he lost his virginity to a girl in this community and later met his current girlfriend." So this is…
Asterios: Oh, my God.
Maddox: This is one of those things where…yeah. If you abstain for too long and you get too insecure about your sexual…uh, your sexual function, your sexual ability, or whatever it is, it…it can manifest itself in all sorts of ways where you start to feel insecure about yourself. And it's such a taboo in our society to even talk about sex!
Asterios: I know. Yeah.
Maddox: That…that people are…even afraid to look for help, or even know where to go to get it.
Asterios: If I was not this drunk, I would absolutely not be talking about all this. (Maddox giggles) I swear to God, I'm absolutely not kidding.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Asterios: Like, it's just…it's just…you know. It's the…it's the worst thing you can be in our society, is a male virgin. Like, it's the worst. It means you're a dork. I mean, you know. The 40-Year-Old Virgin. The reason that movie was such a huge hit and a huge success was that we could all kind of identify with being, like, a loser. And you know…the plot of that movie is in the title. "The 40-Year-Old Virgin". The fact that that's different and weird enough to be a movie…
Asterios: Kind of speaks to the stigma you're talking about.
Maddox: Well, I mean 40 years old is ridiculous, man. Go out there and get laid. (Asterios cracks up)
Asterios: Yeah, goddamn it!! Jesus Christ!
Maddox: Y…you know, I'm always…I'm always surprised to learn when…when some of my male friends have used…you know, used a prostitute.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm always surprised to learn that. But I think if the alternative is sexual dysfunction later on in your…in your life. Look…figure…do what you gotta do to figure your shit out.
Maddox: Because if you're not getting laid, there's probably something not clicking with you and women. You're not putting your best self out there.
Maddox: You're not communicating your confidence to women, which is attractive to them. Like, a lot of guys…
Asterios: (interjects) The thing is, you're good at this, Maddox. And Dick is good at this. Like, you're both good at this. You're both, like…
Maddox: Well. (giggles)
Asterios: Ver…like, I've seen the girls you guys have dated. You're both so, so good at this. I'm the other side of the coin. (giggles) I'm like this…
Asterios: I'm like, this, like, fat, nervous guy.
Maddox: No, man.
Asterios: Oh, my God. Like…if I had, like, an OUNCE of the confidence you two guys have. Oh my lord. I would run the table.
Maddox: I mean, look…
Asterios: (interjects) I just get…I so relate to this problem, 'cause I just get nervous. I get scared. I act weird.
Maddox: I…I'm glad. Yeah. I am GLAD that we are talking about this right now.
Maddox: Because I used to be this guy. I used to be this guy who was not confident. Who was insecure. Uh, there's a lot of things that other guys have that I don't. They have more hair, they have more money. They have more status. They have more power. They have more charm. Etc, etc, etc. Well, not the charm part. I'm the most charming person I know.
Asterios: Well, no, obviously. Clearly.
Maddox: Yeah, of course. Of course. Um, but uh…here's the thing. That's…none of that shit matters, because what you need to realize that what women are attracted to is that sense of confidence and the…the charisma and the energy that you put out, including your body language. I would recommend to any guy listening right now. And actually, women too, because this is…this is really important for women to put off the right body language, as well as guys. Go out and get this book. I think it's called "The Definitive Guide to Body Language".
Maddox: It's one of the most interesting books I've ever picked up. Look, it's not an exact science and it's one of those things where you hear an expert come on, like, the Dr. Phil show, and they're talking about body language, blablabla. It's not an exact science. But it's pretty damn accurate most of the time.
Maddox: You can read people's body language…I picked up this book, uh, and just flipped through a few pages, thinking, "Eh, I'll just read a couple pages and throw it down." I almost read the entire book in one sitting, which I rarely ever do. It was such a fascinating book. And it changed things about me, that even the way I'm talking, you guys can't see right now the way I'm talking right now, but look at, look at my hands, Asterios. Like, I'm gesturing towards Asterios.
Asterios: He's making two middle fingers, which is weird. (Maddox laughs) I don't like it. But I am attracted to you.
Asterios: This book sounds great. (chuckles)
Maddox: Drink up, buddy. Have…have a double, on me.
Asterios: Let's do it!
Maddox: Yeah. So…
Asterios: (interjects) No…that, I actually will probably buy that on Kindle after this episode, because that sounds awesome, actually.
Maddox: It's a…it's a great book. I'll link to it on the website, uh…but that…that book…that book helped change my life. Also…
Asterios: I'm like Mister Slouch. I'm like a fucking walking slouch.
Asterios: Like, whenever my mom sees me…
Asterios: She's always like, "Can you please stand up straight?" And it's just like, ugh. It's such bad body language. It sets off this, like…this defeated signal.
Maddox: Right. Right.
Asterios: Yeah. Like, I know exactly what you mean.
Maddox: Nobody wants that. Nobody wants to be around that.
Maddox: It's just…it's depressing. Also, if you're the type of person who's always complaining about shit, and you're always in a bad mood, and you're having a bad time, guess what, shithead?! Nobody wants to be around you!!
Asterios: Oh, gosh.
Maddox: Nobody wants to…like, even I, as negative and cantankerous as I am in my writing and my online videos and everything, uhh…in real life, when I'm around my friends, I tone it down, and I also try to be aware of the amount I'm bitching about shit! (Asterios laughs) Because if I do it too much, I realize…I try to put myself in their shoes, and think, "Would they want to be hearing me bitch about this shit?"
Asterios: I…I have to say…like…the episode of this podcast where you talked about…I forget the exact problem, but negative thinking.
Maddox: Self-Defeating Thoughts.
Self-defeating thoughts. Where you said, like, "Whenever anyone asks me how I'm doing, I just say, "I'm doing great."" I actually started doing that.
Because for a very long time, when people asked me how I was doing, I'd be like, "I'm doing terribly", and I would just, you know…yeah. I would just
start bitching right away, complaining about this and that. You know, my best friend's in the room. Joan. And like, you know, when we would talk on the
phone, I would just start complaining about it. But then I heard that episode that you had, and I was like,
"You know what? I'm gonna start saying I'm doing okay." And after I did…my life started getting a little better. Like, I thought that was such, such good advice. Um…that…that episode. The self-defeating thoughts episode was just really helpful for me.
Maddox: Oh, thanks, buddy. I really appreciate that. You know, I got so much email and voice mails and messages about that episode. Episode 67. If anyone's interested, go back and listen to Episode 67. We talked about self-defeating thoughts.
Asterios: Yeah. And…and again, as someone who doesn't have, like…doesn't have, like a stake, or a dog in this fight, like, you should listen to that episode. It was really good.
Maddox: Thanks, man. Yeah, that..that episode, I got so many emails from people saying it really helped them a lot. It was basically how I battled with my own depression in my twenties and how I was able to solve that problem. For a long time. I hadn't been depressed, I think, for twelve years after I solved that problem. Uhh…so, yeah. That's…that's a really important one if you guys care about that. But it really makes a huge difference. Your outlook makes a huge difference. Your body language makes a huge difference. The way you sit. Nobody wants to be around a tombstone! (Asterios laughs) You walk into a fucking bar, you look like…you're slumped over, okay. Whatever, bozo!! (Asterios cracks up) I'm gonna go talk to that confident, handsome-looking Maddox in the corner. (Asterios cackles) Strap…with a strapping long dong!!! (Asterios still laughing) That's who I wanna be friends with!
Asterios: Goddamn it, Maddox.
Maddox: I wanna munch that weiner.
Asterios: Jesus Christ. (laughing) (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Chomp on the side. (giggles) The side of my weiner.
Asterios: So our problems this week are…(Maddox laughs) Are cowardly perverts…and…(laughing) virginity stigma. Who…(stammers) this episode might hold the record for least amount of time talked about problems brought in by host and guest host. (laughing) This is incredible. We've spent like 5 minutes talking about these problems. (laughing)
Maddox: Alright, just one more thing from that Atlantic article. It says here that…so there are a number of reasons why people have virginity still. It's not just religion. It's not just, uh…low self confidence. Sometimes it's emotional abuse.
Maddox: "Which can also lead to sexual abstinence. This was the case for designer Stacey B. of Boston, whose father regularly told her she was worthless and ugly."
Asterios: Yeah. (sad)
Maddox: "This made her distrust men. She is 39 now and lost her virginity at 37 after going to therapy for seven years. Stacey says her mother taught her that sex is special, a common reason that people wait, and she kind of believed it. Later, she realized that the emotional trauma she faced growing up caused her to keep her distance from men rather than the belief that sex was special. She tells me over the phone that she never got a lot of attention from boys, not because she's unattractive, but because she put up walls. She wishes she had dealt with this a long time ago, before becoming too old to have kids." That's kinda sad…when you…
Maddox: You know, if you're one of these people who you know…your parents are abuse, and toxic, and they tell you things that aren't true about yourself, or they're putting you down, get outta dodge, man. Get outta dodge.
Asterios: It's ha…it's hard to get out of these controlling cycles. I mean…yeah.
Sean: The problem is, some of them are more insidious, and you don't really realize that they're fucking you up in the manner that they are.
Asterios: Because they're your parents. Why would…you think to yourself, like, they're your parents. You think "they have my best interests at heart". You think "they're looking out for me", "they care about me". I mean, yeah, these patterns of emotional abuse are terrible. And I feel…I feel terrible. I feel terrible for that poor woman.
Sean: And then you grow up…realize…
Asterios: (interjects) Especially because she was attractive. (Maddox and Sean laugh) I mean, that's the worst…that's the worst thing.
Maddox: That's tragic. Yeah. What were you saying, Sean?
Asterios: If an ugly girl weren't…oh, I'm sorry. Please continue.
Sean: No, I was gonna say that, you know, when you grow up, you realize that your parents are completely flawed people, too.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: Yeah. Except for my parents.
Maddox: That's why…
Sean: (interjects) They don't know what the fuck they're doing, even more than you do.
Maddox: That's…exactly it, Sean.
Asterios: Everyone else's parents but mine. Exactly.
Maddox: Correct. Correct, Sean. Ding, ding, ding.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Asterios: Your guys', both of your parents, but not my parents. My parents are great.
Maddox: So…so, way back in Episode 1, this is the point I was trying to make that I feel like Dick wasn't even making an attempt to understand, is that not everyone has won the jackpot. Not everyone has the lottery…the parents lottery that you do. Like, your parents are cool. Your…your familial fabric is awesome. You have that safety net there. 'Cause your family's awesome and they love you and they support you.
Asterios: I will say, generally speaking, like, my parents were awesome. And my parents were so, so nice. They were so, so sweet. I've dated so many people who've been abused. I…I knew so many people who've been abused by their parents. And it's like, you know…it's like…(stammers) you know. It's terrible. It ruins your whole goddamn life. You know?
Maddox: Uh…like, my friends who have good families…
Maddox: …right? They don't…I feel like they can't really quite grasp the gravity of the situation, because your dad, right? Is somebody who led a path in life. And at some point during his life, he decided to have a kid, or maybe he didn't decide, it just happened. He may have been a fuckup, which in a lot of bad families, that's how it happens. Because they weren't planning on it, and it becomes this big source of stress and frustration and they don't wanna raise the kid, and they have to. They get thrown into this thing with this person that they weren't ready to settle down with. And that's sometimes the cause of a lot of source of frustration and anxiety and stress in families. Um, so think…I want you guys to think. Everyone listening right now. Think…think of one of your friends who's a fuckup.
Maddox: Think of…(giggles) think of a friend who's a fuckup right now. And imagine him or her being a parent.
Maddox: Okay? Because that's exactly what happens to a lot of people who have shitty parent's. Their…(stammers) that fuckup friend of yours? Is one of those parents. That guy that you can't…that guy or girl you can't even IMAGINE being a parent right now? Sometimes, they do become parents, and those are the shitty families that are raised. And you don't have that fabric, and then it becomes sometimes a toxic environment, where they're abuse towards you.
Maddox: They're mentally or physically abusive towards you. You…you continue down this toxic environment. You have low self-esteem. You aren't able to think clearly. You're not able to function properly. You're dysfunctional. You're not…achieving your goals, and you're beating yourself up over it. But really, if you take a step back and think and evaluate your life, and take inventory of it, write it down. You realize maybe it's these people who I've blindly put my trust in.
Maddox: That don't have my best interests at heart.
Asterios: Well, I mean, I guess that's a…I guess that's a really good takeaway for this episode. You know. If…if you feel uncomfortable. If you feel like there's maybe something wrong. You know. Take inventory. Take stock. Give yourself a little self-audit. And, you know, see if these people who say they have your best interests at heart, do. I mean, I think that's a really good point.
Sean: And that's a good point, too, because, uh…you know, that doesn't absolve you of responsibility for doing something about it. If you're able to…recognize it.
Asterios: Yeaaaaaah. I…I…
Sean: Like, you can't blame your parents the whole rest of your life. Like, that's…
Maddox: Sean, I…I…(stammers) that's a touchy one, because…uh, sometimes people do…can get abused to the point where they aren't even able to recognize…
Sean: (interjects) Oh, no, totally agreed. If you do, though. If you're actually able to take stock. If you just get that little glimmer. That door is open just a little bit…
Maddox: Okay. Then I'd like to give another bit of advice, here.
Maddox: For anyone who may be…who may be dealing with this. 'Cause I said earlier…
Sean: (Interjects) I see your point, though.
Maddox: Yeah. I said…I said that you should take inventory of your life. Here's what I mean by that. And this is…this is actually…there's study after study coming out about this now, where they're telling people to journal and write down everything they're thinking. And this is how you do it. This…it's very therapeutic. It is…immeasurably therapeutic. And they found that kids do…kids who do this…uh, think back about traumatic experiences they've had in completely different ways, that are healthy, rather than continually traumatic for them.
Maddox: So what you do, is you have to have a moment of free writing, where you sit down in front of your journal and you write everything. Completely uncensored. And when I say uncensored, I mean fucking uncensored. Write down your deepest, dirtiest, darkest thoughts. Everything you're afraid anyone would ever know if they could peer into your head. Write that down.
Sean: It's a…it's a written version of, like, classical psychoanalysis.
Maddox: Oh, is it?
Sean: Yeah. It's the old laying on the couch stream of consciousness stuff.
Sean: But that's not how most therapy works anymore.
Sean: But it's…I mean, it's still done.
Maddox: Well, they say that the mechanism with which this works is that while you're writing, a lot of times you'll self-edit. And that self-editing process is what helps you deal with that trauma. You're able to deal with that trauma and create new mental pathways to think about those things. And once you've written it down, it frees your subconscious to think about something else. I've…I've done it. And it makes me feel IMMEASURABLY better after I do it. Because everything you're thinking about is just sitting there, going through that feedback cycle inside your mind. Anything that upsets you. Anything that…that bothers you. You're gonna be thinking about it in your subconscious. You just got dumped. You just lost your job. You just got rejected from a school you applied to. All of those things. You're…you're dealing with a lawsuit. If you sit down and write it down and really take the time to do that…it's not a lot of time. It's like half an hour at most during your day.
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Sit down, write it down, edit, and then…
Sean: Maybe a little more for you, Asterios.
Maddox: (giggles) Yeah, Asterios.
Asterios: Oh, my God. Yeah, exactly. I might need two journals. Holy shit!
Maddox: Yeah. (stammers) an eight-hour block, at least.
Asterios: Yeah, exactl…I…I'm gonna call in sick to work tomorrow. I'm gonna buy myself a marble notebook and just start puking words into it!
Sean: Excuse me, I'll take three reams of paper. (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: Hello…hello, Staples. (giggles) I'll take all the paper you have! Oh, God.
Maddox: So another…so, one…one last thing about that. When you're journaling. If you feel that you might be afraid that anyone will ever find this thing, and you'll know your deepest, darkest, and dirtiest secrets, which, by the way, guys. No one gives a shit. You're not that special.
Maddox: We all have the same fucking shit we're dealing with.
Asterios: Yeah. Some of us…some of us fart our stupid thoughts into a podcast! Don't worry about it. (Maddox cracks up) Whatever you're saying…don't worry. Whatever you're thinking…don't worry about it.
Maddox: Yeah. Just…
Asterios: (interjects) Everything I've done on this episode is a hundred times worse than what you're gonna write down! (laughing)
Maddox: And it's all…it's all regret, too.
Maddox: So…so anyway. If you…so, write all this stuff down. And if you're afraid someone might read your…your precious thoughts. Whatever. Delete it after you're done, or print it out. And this is an important step. Print it out, and then take it and crumple it up, rip it up, throw it away. Because that…that does something, psychologically, that act of taking your thoughts and your memories and ripping it up and throwing it away in the garbage? It's a really powerful, symbolic psychological…I don't know what the exact phrase is, but…
Asterios: (interjects) Like a gesture, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, it's a gesture. So that…that act is immensely powerful. I don't know what the exact word for that mechanism is, but it does something psychologically that is effective. And it helps a lot of people. It may even help you. So those might be steps! If you're dealing with this kind of trauma, you have abusive parents, or whatever. Maybe this might help you. Give it a shot. And go out and get laid.
Asterios: Yeah, holy shit. 'Cause your parents…you're not a huge fan. Oh wait, no, we can't say this on the air. I'm sorry.
Asterios: 'Cause your parents listen to this.
Maddox: Eeeh. You know, I…my parents know my beefs with them.
Maddox: 'Cause I have not split my words with them.
Maddox: I let them know, 'cause…and there was a point, I think, where I…(stammers) enough is enough. And you know, you have your limits. And when they go beyond that, you have to put your foot down. You have to draw those lines in the sand. You say, "I'm not gonna deal with this bullshit anymore."
Maddox: "And if you're gonna be this shitty, toxic person, I'm gonna cut you out of my life." I've done it with my parents. I've done it with some of my friends. I will do it again, and I'm not hesitant to do that at all, because when people are toxic in your life, you need to CUT them out. Like, because they're either going to…they're gonna bring you down with them. They're people who…who you think that they have your best interests in their heart, right? Like your parents?
Maddox: But your parents are flawed individuals just like anyone else, and guess what? Here's something really insidious that nobody likes to talk about, but sometimes, your parents get jealous of YOU.
Maddox: They get jealous of YOUR success. They get jealous of YOUR accomplishments and YOUR life, because they were never able to live the life that you're living now.
Asterios: Yeah. No, that's…oh, my God. That's…that's 100% true. And it's 100% sad. But yeah, it's absolutely the case.
Maddox: You…you have good parents, though, right?
Asterios: I'm..look. Look. I'm one of the lucky ones. I was…I was out to dinner with a bunch of friends earlier today, and I was like, "Yeah, I can't blame any of my problems on my parents." Like, I can't be, like, "I'm fat because of my parents." Or, like, "I'm sad because of my parents." Or "I'm this, I'm that, because of my parents." 'Cause, like, my parents were incredibly supportive of me wanting to be a comedian from, like, age 12. (giggles) Like, they could not have been nicer. They sent me to a nice college. They helped me move to Los Angeles. They helped me with a car. You know? It's like, yeah. I wish I could blame my parents, but I can't. Any problems I have are mine. But…I know a lot of people, and they're not that lucky. And, um…and so, I…you know. I think the technique that you raised is actually really important. It's actually something that child psychologists use to help kids get over recurring nightmares. You draw out your nightmare or you write out your nightmare, and then you crumple up the piece of paper, or you rip it apart and you throw it away. I mean, that's a really powerful exercise. I might have to…I might have to do that after this podcast. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I'm gonna print out this podcast, rip it up, and throw it away.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. Exactly. (they both crack up)
Sean: Asterios is gonna draw an empty whiskey bottle. (they crack up)
Asterios: Ahh!! I wish! Oh, my God! I ran out of whiskey so long ago, I'm so sad about it!! Oh well.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, guys. That's it for this week.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: My problem was the Virginity Stigma.
Asterios: And my problem was Cowardly Perverts, be proud of it, pervs!!!!
Maddox: Own it!!!! Thanks for listening.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, this is Dustin. I just wanted to say, for the record, that I completely, 100% agree with Maddox."
"It is a complete waste of time for people to come up with fantasy scenarios like what you would do if the zombies attacked. That's ridiculous."
"That's why Maddox and I spend our time with more…with more, like, reasonable things. Like how we would steal the Crown Jewels if we had a jet pack. (Maddox laughs) That's a perfectly reasonable way to spend our time. (Asterios groans) Uh, you know. Thinking about scenarios like that. Fuck your zombie bullshit. Sean, you can go eat a dick, or whatever it is. No, uh, get raped. Yeah, that's a thing." (continues inaudibly))
Sean: YOU get raped with a pineapple!! (they crack up)
Asterios: Oh, my lord!!!
Maddox: Sean's getting spicy!!! It's getting late. You know what, dickhead?!
Asterios: The Crown Jewels exist!!
Maddox: Yeah. The Crown Jewels exist.
Asterios: (yelling, drunk) THERE ARE REAL CROWN JEWELS. THERE ARE REAL JET PACKS.
Asterios: AND THERE'S A REAL WAY TO STEAL 'EM!
Maddox: Oh, man. I love having you on the show, Asterios. That's exactly what I was gonna say.
Asterios: Yeah, no SHIT!!
(Voice mail: male voice: "Oh my God, Maddox. You are the biggest dumbass…like… (Maddox laughs) in the universe, easily! With your straw man, bullshit arguments, and then, oh, the next show. (goofy voice) "Oh, joke's on me, guys!" (Maddox giggles) "I was only pretending to be retarded."
"No, you're ACTUALLY retarded!! Fuck you!! (Maddox laughs)"
Asterios: How did this guy know…wow. Did this guy look into the future?
"That being said…I just bought…a Red Delicious apple. They have gotten better. So…you win that one.")
Maddox: Hey!! (happy)
Asterios: You know what? I…you know what? I was about…I agree with everything he said.
Maddox: Fuck you!
Asterios: Both insulting you, and I…I had…I bought a bag of organic Red Delicious apples, and they were really good.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, there we…heyyy!! There we go!
(Sound effect; Ding!)
Asterios: I tweeted a bunch of photos of them. Because the thing is…
(Sound effect: Applause)
Asterios: …when I was a kid…oh, thank you. Thank you, invisible people. When I was a kid, I…all I ate was Red Delicious apples. They were my father's favorite apple.
Asterios: And as I got a little older, they became shittier and shittier. But I bought a bag the other day on your recommendation, and I really loved them.
Asterios: They're real crisp, they're real good.
Maddox: I've had a lot of people…just like that SHITTY caller. Who's…shitty but redeeming, you know. (Asterios guffaws) He had a redeeming quality, because he's on my side of the apple debate. But here's the thing, man. Uh…(stammers) every single person. There's the script that people say when they're talking about Red Delicious apples. And the script goes like this, (goofy voice) "Oh, they're mealy. They're mushy. They're tasteless."
Asterios: They don't know what the word "mealy" means!! (yells)
Maddox: No, they don't! They don't! They're like, "Oh, it's like a pear." I'm like, first of all, DICKHEAD, pears exist, and people buy them! So if they were like pears and you're trying to compare this apple's quality to a pear…
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: That's a shitty argument, 'cause people like pears.
Asterios: PEARS ARE VERY POPULAR! (yells)
Maddox: They're very popular. (laughs)
Asterios: Yes. EXACTLY.
Maddox: The…(stammers) People look for women in the shape of a pear!
Asterios: That's a good shape to have!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It's a good shape! (giggles) But this Red Delicious argument is such a fucking bullshit…
Asterios: (Interjects) I….KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!
Maddox: …hollow argument. It's all these people who've…who've just stuck to the script.
Maddox: And they haven't tried a Red Delicious apple.
Asterios: It's an echo chamber!
Asterios: It's a fucking APPLE echo chamber!! And it needs to stop.
Maddox: Ohhh. You're so HAPPY. Oh, you got your one word. Your one argument.
Asterios: Meeeeealy. Meeeeeeeealy. Meeeeeeeealy.
Maddox: Yeah, mealy, mealy.
Asterios: Meeeeeealy. Meaaaly.
Yeah. When's the last one…the last time you had one, dick…(file cuts off)