Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 71
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Piss Driblets to P. Diddy. (Dick laughs) With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick.
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Welcome back.
Dick: 4 million?!
Maddox: 4 million.
Dick: 4 million, oh, my GOD!
Maddox: Yeah. We cracked 4…it was a couple of episodes ago, actually, that we cracked 4 million.
Dick: How many downloads does Marc Maron have?
Dick: 5 million? 6 million?
Maddox: Gotta be. Gotta be. (laughs)
Dick: We're right on his ass!
Maddox: We're nipping at his heels!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Like a pair of vicious pitbulls.
Maddox: Right! (chuckles) Dick, uh…we gotta talk about this up top.
Dick: Oh, what ha…oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: The biggest…the biggest problem in the universe from last week was Terrorism!
Dick: Yeah, good.
Maddox: Surprised. I was surprised. And then Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories.
Dick: Oh, bullshit problem!! (grins)
Maddox: Hey, hey you know what, though? Real sexy number for the vote. 69.
Dick: That's all the Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories got?
Dick: It was in the positive by less than 100?
Maddox: It's in the positive, bro.
Dick: That's good. (Maddox laughs) What is it floating around?
Maddox: 69. What, terrorism?
Dick: Yeah, yeah. No, no. Like, what other problems that…'cause the most fascinating thing to me about this show…
Dick: Is the neighborhoods that the problems end up in.
Dick: (interjects) Like if you go to the website, http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com and you go click on Problems. You'll see what is a comparable problem to Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories. What is a comparable problem to Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories.
Maddox: (laughing) You caught that, okay. Alright.
Dick: What are you laughing at?
Maddox: Oh, you're asking me what is a comparable problem to…
Dick: Yes. (chuckles) Wait, is that…you know what? I've fucked up my grammar so badly on this show…(Maddox laughs) that I don't actually know when it is I'm speaking correctly or not anymore.
Maddox: Yeah. It's…I don't even know anymore either. (Dick guffaws) I don't know if you're putting it on or if you just don't know.
Dick: Me neither.
Maddox: Yeah, well. It's in the neighborhood of Burlesque Dancers.
Maddox: Which is still our most controversial problem to date. And because of all my canvassing, Monkeys!
(Sound effect: Monkeys hooting)
Maddox: Monkeys are still…monkeys are actually in the positive territory just by a little bit. So this is right around the neighborhood of Burlesque Dancers and Monkeys.
Dick: Hmm. Okay.
Maddox: So yeah. Pretty controversial problem, but still a problem nonetheless.
Maddox: And then terrorism, which I really…I'm disappointed that it was as highly voted, 'cause I don't think it's…I mean, it's a problem for sure, right? We spend a lot of money on it, but just in the grand scale of things in terms of deaths?
Dick: Here's what you're missing, though. It's not about deaths.
Dick: This is a…this is a comment I brought in specifically about this from Deus Ex Machina. "When Maddox says that influenza is a bigger problem than terrorism because it kills more people, he misses the bigger problem that Dick seems to recognize. It's not the number of deaths, it's the resultant fear and terror that is now an inherent part of our lives." I 100% agree with that.
Maddox: Right, well I'm not disagreeing that we have a fear of terrorists. I'm disagreeing that we should have a fear of terrorism. We shouldn't! In…especially in the United States. The number of terrorist deaths that occur per year in the United States is hovering around zero.
Dick: But the fear's there.
Maddox: Right…that's why I'm saying. We shouldn't have that fear. I'm not saying the fear doesn't exist.
Maddox: I'm saying the fear shouldn't exist.
Dick: But this isn't a problem of whether or not things should exist. This is terrorism is a huge problem.
Dick: Because it's taken over our lives. That's it!
Maddox: Dick. You're basically saying terrorism is a big problem because terrorism is a big problem. But the reason…
Dick: (interjects) Because it works!! Because it works. It…it…small acts of violence, random violence…orchestrated random violence…causes huge amounts of terror!
Dick: That's…that's just the way it is!!
Maddox: Right. But do you understand why I'm saying that it shouldn't be a problem?
Maddox: It's because specifically…we…everybody. The listeners collectively voted it up as a problem.
Maddox: That's because we are afraid of it. But we shouldn't be.
Dick: (inhales) Welll….
Maddox: The stats that you brought in last episode….proves that we shouldn't be afraid of terrorism.
Sean: That's true, but you have to deal with what IS.
Dick: That's right.
Sean: Not what should be. I agree with you…
Maddox: (interjects) Don't tell me what I have to deal with, Sean. (Sean laughs)
Dick: If only everyone was as level-headed and logical as you.
Dick: But they're not. (Maddox chuckles) That's the reality of it.
Maddox: (sighs) Correct. Alright.
Dick: I brought in a great email from an actual counter-terrorism expert.
Maddox: Oh, let's hear it!
Dick: Oh, no, no. It's gigantic. I'm gonna get to it before we get to the problems, but he goes, like point for point…he's actually on the ground…um, fighting terrorism, I guess. And he goes through all of our points, point by point. It's a great email.
Maddox: Wow, great. Okay, can't wait to hear it. Uh, Dick, I have an announcement to make. This is a…pretty big announcement.
Maddox: It's something I've been waiting to talk about, it's been in the works for a few months…
Dick: You're transitioning to Maddilocks. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: Yep. Vanity Fair cover, next month.
Dick: Vanity Fair cover. (grins)
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Sean: With the beard.
Maddox: No, gentlemen.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: I'm a game show host!! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Dick: Oh, okay.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: What's the announcement?
Maddox: Woo! Yeah. (they both laugh)
(Sound effect: Ding!!)
Maddox: No, uh, for real. I…this is obviously you know, Dick, and Sean. I tell you guys. But this is something the listeners don't know, but I'm a game show host now, and I've been filming in Las Vegas. I'm gonna be there for another three weeks.
Maddox: On set every day, filming a game show!
Dick: What's the game show about?
Maddox: The game show…
Dick: (interjects) First of all…
Dick: Lemme ask you something. What are your inspirational game show figures? Me personally? Me personally…Wink Martindale.
Maddox: Wink Martindale…(cracks up)
Dick: Huge…huge game show…uh…huge game show icon.
Maddox: What was the…he did the $10,000 Pyramid? What did he do? Wink Martindale?
Dick: He did them all. He did them all, and he was amazing at all of 'em. Here's another…another aside.
Dick: I had the pleasure of seeing Wink Martindale introduce Donald Trump…(Maddox guffaws) at the Trump rally that I went to with my life coach last week. But please, go ahead. Who are your game show icons?
Maddox: Wink Martindale…that's funny, 'cause I got compared to Wink Martindale when I saw on set. (Dick giggles)
Dick: What?! Why?
Maddox: I dunno. I dunno. I don't…in fact, I'm thinking of Wink Martindale shows and nothing comes to mind. I don't remember him.
Dick: I don't remember any of his stuff.
Maddox: They're old ones, right?
Maddox: Anyway, um…
Dick: What game shows do you like?
Maddox: I love…I love the original Family Feud. I didn't like the era of Family Feud with what's his name. Waaaaaaah, waaaaaaaah. (whiny voice)
Dick: Louie Anderson.
Maddox: Louie Anderson. Yeah. Not a big fan of him.
Maddox: Um, I'm back on board with Steve Harvey.
Maddox: Uh, I like him. Um, I think Drew Carey is doing an alright job of the Price is Right. Bob Barker is my man!
Dick: You know what? I went to a taping of the Price is Right. With…with a girlfriend who was a nightmare. She was like a toddler. Like a 30-year-old toddler.
Maddox: Is it anyone I know. It's someone I know, right?
Dick: It's the supermodel. You know exactly.
Maddox: Okay. Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: It's the supermodel who had electrical powers.
Dick: Yeah, Magneto. Supermodel Magneto, is her name.
Maddox: Okay, sure.
Dick: She had…she had electrical powers!
Dick: Did you…(stammers) like, I don't know how open she was about it, but she said she had…anyway. Drew Carey loves the Price is Right show. Like, during the breaks, he'll talk to the audience and break with them and try to build up the show, but the producers on that show keep him on such a tight schedule, 'cause they gotta cram product placements in?
Dick: That he…none of that comes across on the show. 'Cause I was a big critic of his when he took over, 'cause it's like he's got no heart in it. But I was wrong.
Maddox: Well, the same thing with Bob Barker. I was fortunate enough to see Bob Barker before he retired. I went to one of the last tapings of his show, and in between the commercial breaks, he was on fire. He was so funny.
Maddox: He was KILLIN' it. He was killin' it. And none of that ever appears on the…on the program, because they run a really tight ship over there.
Maddox: And that's actually what I've learned with this game show that I'm doing right now. It's…
Dick: (interjects) Not like this show.
Dick: No tight ships at all.
Maddox: You mean the Biggest Problem?
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. No. (giggles) No. Don't worry, we'll edit it.
Dick: So what are you learning? (Maddox laughing) With your experience.
Maddox: Um, yeah. So I've learned what a huuuuuuge production this thing is. It's…it's unbelievable. I saw on this list, there's something like, I dunno, five or ten producers on there. I thought, "Why do we need so many producers?" and then I learned…
Dick: Seems ridiculous, right?
Dick: You're making a TV show. You got a camera and a guy and a monkey in a suit.
Maddox: It seems. Right.
Dick: Vis-à-vis you.
Maddox: Vis-à-vis me.
Dick: Why is it this hard?
Maddox: You would think. So…the diff…the name of the show is Cash Floor.
Dick: Cash Floor?
Maddox: Yeah. Cash Floor.
Maddox: It's a…it's a trivia game show that takes place in an elevator, but the difference here is, with this game show, and I've never seen anything like it, uh…maybe it exists, I don't know. I'm not…(stammers) maybe it's not on my radar, but it's a hybrid between a game show and kind of like a confessional reality show, where you sit down…
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: …afterwards and you talk with the hosts, and you say, "What did you think of their response?" "What did you think of their questions?" etc. And then you also do the same thing with the contestants. So they're going to splice that up with their answers during the trivia show.
Dick: Are you ripping on these people this whole time?
Maddox: Oh, my God.
Dick: 'Cause you're…I mean, some people have called you critical. (Maddox laughs) Of small mistakes, and people who are not as…not brilliant scientists and mathematicians, and such. Are you bringing this energy to the show?
Maddox: Dick, you know I love me. (Dick cracks up) I'm my biggest fan. And I can say with absolute confidence that they picked no BETTER HOST to have for this show! Because I rip into them so hard! (laughs) And also…also…I've finally been, for the first time in my life, on the other end, where you can say a little snide remark at somebody, and because they don't know you, they're trying to be polite.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: And they're…they're too afraid to give you a little rejoinder.
Dick: Oh. That's good!
Dick: That's a good position to be in! (grins)
Maddox: I'll make really subtle, backhanded compliments and comments in the elevator, and then I can see their faces, their faces scrunch up a little bit.
Maddox: Like they wanna say something back, but they don't. And it makes me so happy. But, uh…the game show…it's a trivia show on an elevator with these confessionals afterwards. It's a lot of fun.
Dick: And it's called Cash Floor?
Maddox: Cash Floor. And I…I…
Dick: (interjects) Okay. Lemme…go ahead.
Maddox: And I'm doing it with my beautiful co-host, Sarah Hollins.
Sean: The bonus round is guessing who farted in the elevator. (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: (sighs) Uh, no.
Dick: Alright, we've got something cool.
Dick: We got a gift in the mail. A guy, Philip…Philip Rushick. Um, sends me an email asking for the Blender files that Maddox created. Your masterpiece of Sonic. You remember when you were putting on classes on…what was that, on your Twitch stream?
Maddox: Yeah. A couple…
Dick: (interjects) How to 3D render?
Maddox: About a month ago, I did a live broadcast of my Twitch stream on how to do a 3D render of Sonic the Hedgehog. I did a tutorial and I got SHIT on by my fans!
Dick: And it was awful.
Maddox: It was not awful!
Dick: The end product was disgusting!
Maddox: Look. I was not done. That's a 50% there…and you guys shit all over it. So this guy requested the 3D files that I sent to you, Dick.
Dick: The 3D files, yes. And then he said…this is what I'm holding in my hand. He 3D printed your god-awful, retarded…
Dick: …3D rendering of Sonic the Hedgehog. And it looks…surely, now, what I'm holding in my hand, you would describe as a monstrous abortion.
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: Dick, that…that is beautiful! I would put that on my car as a hood ornament!
Dick: It looks like…it looks like Sonic…like, it looks like something that went through the Hell dimension in Event Horizon.
Maddox: (sighs) Okay. What I'm holding in my hand is a really cool Sonic the Hedgehog head, and what's so brilliant about this sculpture is that it's almost completely symmetrically round…(Dick cackles) like Sonic gets when he rolls into…
Dick: "Almost" on a 3D program? (Maddox laughs) You almost got it round?!!? (Maddox laughing) It looks like a lightbulb. Like, it looks like a weird saucer-shaped lightbulb.
Sean: No, you know what it looks like?
Sean: It looks like a punk rock version of a Who. (Dick and Maddox crack up) With the little upturned nose, doesn't it?!
Dick: You're right!! Yeah, you're right! (dying)
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean! (Sean laughs)
Dick: It looks like something Dr, Seuss drew after he had a stroke. You're right. Or…he didn't have a stroke, I don't think. But it looks like something he would've drawn after he had a stroke.
Maddox: You know what, assholes? I don't need this shit from you! You guys can't 3D model dick!!!
Dick: I mean, neither can you, though!
Maddox: Yeah I can…Dick!!! Here's the thing. (Sean laugh) If you stop…if you stop Van Gogh in the middle of a painting. (Sean cracks up) (Dick guffaws) Right? You stop Vincent Van Gogh…
Dick: (interjects) First of all, awful choice of artist. Go ahead.
Maddox: Okay. If you st…(cracks up)
Dick: Perhaps Rembran…
Maddox: (interjects) Michaelangelo. Alright?
Dick: Yeah, okay. Better.
Maddox: Right? In the middle. In the middle of him painting the Sistine Chapel, I guarantee it looks just like that Sonic the Hedgehog.
Dick: Yeah. (Sean giggles)
Dick: Somehow…somehow your art looks more gay than Michaelangelo's. (Maddox laughs) That's what I'm seeing here.
Maddox: Gay?! (cracks up)
Dick: He only painted men. He only painted men.
Maddox: That is never…that is never a criticism I've seen in any art history books, that Michaelangelo's artwork was gay.
Dick: Oh! Oh. That's not a criticism at all. That's just…what you're suggesting is illegal, first of all.
Dick: It's not a criticism.
Maddox: It's a critique. Let's just say it's a critique of his work..
Dick: It's an observation!
Maddox: It's an observation. Okay.
Dick: It's an observation. When I see two men in an embrace, my first thoughts are, "Is that gay, or what? What's going on here?"
Maddox: Well, you…
Dick: (interjects) And I learned that he onl…he had to paint male models!
Dick: That's what he did.
Maddox: No…you see what you want to see, Dick. Alright. I got a comment. I got a comment from…(giggles) Matt Kruge. Uh, @krugler on Twitter. He says, "Maddox, the female orgasm and condoms."
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: "When will Dick Masterson just bring in the umbrella problem of "I can't stay hard"?"
Dick: That's…erectile dysfunction, it's called, sir. Is a big problem! I'll bring that in at some point. (Maddox laughs) I don't…I'm not ashamed to being in sexual failures. I'll bring in sexual conquests and failures. They're both a part of life.
Maddox: That's true. Uh…I also got a comment. This is another long one before we get to the terrorism one.
Maddox: I wanna hear about that counterterrorism expert. This one's from Dracula. (Dick cracks up, Maddox laughs) He sent me an email. This is a really poignant email, actually. He sent this to me about Episode 67. And I got so much mail about Episode 67.
Dick: Which one was that?
Maddox: That was the one about self-defeating thoughts.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: In Episode 67, we talked about self-defeating thoughts. He says, "Maddox, I have been an ardent enthusiast of your site since around 2000 and I will say that you are a genius. Recently, I stumbled across the Biggest Problem in the Universe, and not only is it the funniest show I have ever heard…"
Maddox: "But I have found the show to be inspiring. The episode where you pitched self-defeating thoughts as the biggest problem was eye-opening for me and actually made me realize it was the root of a lot of problems I've had, from careers to relationships. Your insightful dialogue inspired me to stop holding myself back and pursue my dreams. When you opened up about your own personal depression in your twenties, it blew me away to hear someone I consider to be a comedic hero to become a real person. I have struggled with depression my whole life and currently have been going through the hardest time in my life, and your podcast has kept me laughing the entire time. You bring laughter, thought, and inspiration to the masses. Thank you for being Maddox, Dick Masterson, and Sean. Cheers, Dracula."
Dick: Well. (they all laugh) See, it matters whose life you're saving, right?! (Maddox cracks up) Like, when Dracula writes in and says you've encouraged him to go out and fulfill his dreams, it's not such a great thing. (Maddox still laughing) I got one from…I thought this one was funny. From Diana McKinley. "I have been reading all of the comments for the last four shows in Maddox's "idiot fan" voice. (Maddox laughs) Actually, this voice has infected every facet of my life. Literally every single communication that I receive from anyone, bosses, family, wife, is now narrated in my head by Maddox." (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No joke, that's exactly what I hear people talk when I read their comments in my internal monologue?!
Maddox: The voice inside my head when I read other people's comments, like…(dorky voice) "Eeeeeeh, Madddddddddoxxxx…I'm sorry to tell you like this, but Grandma died…" (they all laugh) Alright…you teased this.
Dick: I got a…yeah. No, I got a voice mail, though.
Maddox: Alright, let's hear it.
Dick: Lemme play some of these.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Yo, Dick. How is the woman's orgasm the biggest problem in the universe?"
Dick: Everyone's obsessed with that problem.
"Just because you have fucking microcosm cock… (Maddox laughs) you can't pleasure a woman."
Dick: That's why. (laughing)
"This show is called the Biggest Problem in the Universe, not the Biggest Joke in the Universe. (they crack up) I'm watching Maddox's Twitch stream right now. Clearly, you're a big fucking pussy.")
Dick: I dunno who that's directed to. Well, my microcosm cock…(Sean laughs) My…representative of a much larger sample of cock…(Maddox and Dick laughs) is just not doing the job. Uh, here you go. Here's another…here's one about you.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Dick. I got a Maddox Versus Maddox for you…"
"Maddox criticizes YouTube viewers on their attention span of three to four minutes when they complained about the live show, but Maddox can't even sit through a goddamn cut scene in a video game?! (Dick guffaws) Good job, Maddox, you giant hypocrite. You can literally go fuck yourself with a Wii controller. Idiot."
Dick: That's true. (cracks up)
Maddox: Fuck myself with a Wii controller.
Dick: The old ones.
Maddox: Yeah, Youtube, I don't see how that's a contradiction. YouTube audiences have fickle attention spans.
Maddox: And I don't like cut scenes. What's the contradiction there? I don't…like…cut scenes.
Dick: I don't know. I think he was just s…I don't know.
Dick: I don't try to make sense of all the emails that come in…
Maddox: (interjects) The difference is, dickfuck. Okay? People go to YouTube to watch videos! That's what they're there for! To watch videos that aren't interactive, shithead!! (yells) When I play video games, that's an interactive medium! And when I'm watching a cut scene, that's ruining the interactivity in the game! It defeats the purpose of the whole fucking video game, you shit!
Dick: You're right! You're 100% right. (Maddox cracks up)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Dick: Here's the terrorism email.
Dick: And then I've got…oh my go…I have so much stuff to talk about. I was…did you guys catch my…I have an announcement as well. (grins) I…I was interviewed successfully. After a Donald Trump rally. (Maddox laughs) I was interviewed on Fox on my experience with the Donald.
Maddox: Dick, I saw this clip. (Dick guffaws) And it was…it was incredible. The only performance better than yours was Donald's!
Maddox: But you were right up there.
Dick: And keep in mind, I had about seven beers in me.
Dick: And…and the high. The euphoric, emotional high of just having interacted with the Donald himself.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh…Dick, when are we gonna hear this clip?
Dick: I'll bring it in next week.
Maddox: Next week?
Dick: Yeah. I'll tell you more about it next week.
Maddox: I'm gonna hold you to it. Next week, you're gonna hear that clip, guys.
Dick: Yeah, okay. Here's the terrorism email. "Hey Dick, love the show. I've been listening to you guys slinging shit on each other since Episode 5…"
Dick: I don't really think we've been doing that.
"I'm also an avid purchaser of the bonus episodes. The nature of my work…"
Dick: Here's how you know the guy's serious. Have you ever used that phrase?
Maddox: The nature of my work?
Dick: The nature of my work. Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Uh….only blowhards say that.
Dick: That means you torture people! No. Only…only really tough guys use that…phrase.
Maddox: Oh, that's right! Only…"the nature of my work." Right, right, right.
Dick: The nature of my work.
"…means I'm not comfortable or able to share my name or specific occupation with you, but I work in the field of counterterrorism with a specific expertise in terrorist recruitment, terrorist operations, and countering violent extremism. I also have a double Master's degree in the Terrorism Studies and International Security fields. I have a few points for you guys, most of which support Dick's argument that terrorism is a big problem, and everyone else's who think it's a big problem. Feel free to read them on the air, in full or in part, but please avoid using my name…apologies for the long email."
Dick: Good, good.
"As Dick noted, terrorism is a bigger problem than casualty counts. Unlike car accidents and children drowning, terrorism has social, economic, and political ramifications. Terrorism seeks to undermine a government's ability to self-determine its own policies by pressuring it to change these policies, which undermines the very ideas of…
Dick: How do you say that, sovereignty? How do you say that word?
Maddox: Yeah. Sovereignty.
Dick: Sovereignty. "Sovereignty and representative governance." It's weird when you have to say a word that you've seen your whole life and you've never had to pronounce it out loud. You always feel like a stupid asshole, but you're like "Eh, I know what the word means, I've just never said it out loud."
"It also seeks to create psychological insecurity on both the individual and societal level. As we've unfortunately seen, terrorists don't need to kill that many people to use this insecurity as a tool to pressure changes in social values, laws, and policy. You guys also ignored the vast amount of attempted attacks that have failed since 9/11. Just because we've gotten good at stopping terrorism doesn't mean it's no longer a problem."
Dick: So that's his point number one. Do you agree with any of that?
Maddox: I agree with a lot of what he said, yeah. I…I do agree that the terrorism that they stop isn't the terrorism that we're hearing about. If we weren't actively trying to stop terrorism…but I've got some stats on that. I want you to go on with the email.
Dick: "But the idea that poverty causes terrorism is long-discredited." I didn't know that, but that's what this guy said. "Dick was right in noting that the problem isn't as clear as Maddox was asserting." Then he's quoting a meta-analysis. Lemme try to summarize this. "There's no evidence that demonstrates that countries with low levels of economic development, high rates of unemployment, poor rates of economic growth, high levels of income inequality and high levels of malnutrition have higher levels of terrorism. It's also not the case that perpetrators of terrorist attacks are more likely to be poor themselves. Terrorism may have some link to poverty, but is in no way clear or as causal as Maddox suggested." That's interesting. I didn't know that. "The idea that the US somehow supported Bin Laden during the Soviet occupation is a long-discredited myth, which is usually not repeated by people who consider critical thinking to be…" Oh, he's on a real rampage against you. Yikes.
Maddox: Well, he said…wait. One more…
Dick: He said the idea that the US somehow supported Bin Laden during the Soviet occupation is a discredited myth.
Maddox: Ehh…it's not. It's not, to my knowledge. I've read it in multiple sources. Why is it a discredited myth?
Dick: I dunno. He's…
Sean: (interjects) I don't think Bin Laden had anything to do with the…..versus Russia, did he?
Maddox: He was…he was there in Afghanistan.
Sean: Was he?
Maddox: His…yeah. The people…the Mujahideen that later parts…some factions of them became the Taliban, some of them became Al-Qaeda, but they were the ones that we funded in Afghanistan to fight the Soviets. That's where they came from.
Dick: Alright. I'm gonna…I'm gonna sum it up here. " The lesson of 9/11 was that organized, well-funded, well-established, and undisturbed terrorist networks are a huge fucking problem. When they're left to operate freely within their own territory, they become very effective and sophisticated when they're left to their own devices. I am not convinced that we are necessarily doing more harm than good by disaggregating formal terrorist networks, even if we're radicalizing lone terrorists in doing so." Buh, buh, buh…"Keep up the great work." So, he said…ask him any questions that I want.
Dick: But I dunno…what do you wanna…do you wanna ask him anything? I would like to know what's going on over there.
Maddox: Well, so…one of the…one of the things he mentioned is that poverty is not…does not necessarily correlate to terrorism. I think…I did a little bit more research after that last episode, and I think I would agree. It's not necessarily the cause of terrorism.
Maddox: It definitely doesn't…doesn't help the matters, but the majority of terrorist attacks are not Muslim. Uh…that's absolutely a fact. Um…you…you think they are, because that's all you hear about, but I have some interesting stats here. This is from the Daily Beast. "Overwhelmingly, those who have committed terrorist attacks in the United States and Europe aren't Muslims." So here's some statistics for those interested. This, again, from the Daily Beast. Let's start with Europe. Wanna guess what percentage of the terrorist attacks there were committed by Muslims over the past five years?
Maddox: Wrong. It's less than 2%.
Maddox: Less than 2%. "The vast majority of terror attacks in Europe are perpretrated by separatist groups. For example, in 2013, there were 152 terror attacks in Europe. Only two of them were religiously motivated, while 84 predicated upon ethno, nationalist, or separatist beliefs."
Maddox: Like, for example, we're talking about groups like France's FLNC, which advocates an independent nation for the island of Corsica. "In December of 2013, FLNC terrorists carried out simultaneous rocket attacks against police stations in two French cities, and in Greece, the left wing militant popular revolutionary forces shot and killed two members of the right wing political party, Golden Dawn." Even in the United States. I looked into this. So…look at this.
Dick: Isn't the birth of the United States, like, attacking merchants and throwing all their shit in the harbor? Isn't that, like, designed to promote terror?
Maddox: The Boston Tea Party, you're talking about?
Maddox: I mean…
Dick: (interjects) Like, we won, so it's not, but…mmm, kinda?
Maddox: Well. You could make that argument, but also, another interesting thing is…that I found in doing this research is that most terrorist groups since the 1970s have disbanded, not because of military intervention. There is a study. It's by the Social Sciences Research Network. Excuse me. The Social Science Research Network. It says, "Does military intervention reduce or increase terrorism?" And they found that "fewer than 7% of all terrorist groups have been disbanded due to military intervention since the 1970s."
Maddox: Most of them disband due to ideological reasons, or, uh…lack of interest, lack of funds. Or they meet their goals.
Dick: Just like a Dungeons and Dragons group. Just have differences. (Maddox laughs) And like, "Alright, you guys are here for a different reason than me."
Maddox: Yeah. But, this is really interesting. This Daily Beast article. I'll bring it in another time with another problem, but…um. They said"Even after one of the worst terror attacks ever in Europe in 2011, when Andres Brevik…" I think is his name. "…slaughtered 77 people in Norway."
Dick: Yeah, I remember that guy.
Maddox: "To further his anti-Muslim, anti-immigrant, and pro-Christian Europe agenda. As he stated in his manifesto…" We didn't see any press in the United States about him being a Christian terrorist. I mean, guys. We gotta look at the facts here. If you want to…if you want to say terrorism is a big problem, let's look at all terrorism. Not just Islamic terrorism.
Dick: You're focusing on Muslims and Islamic terrorism, but I…was that the point? That we were talking about? We're talking about terrorism.
Maddox: A lot of people…right. A lot of people…
Dick: (interjects) You're just preemptively saying that it's not all Muslims.
Maddox: No, because…
Dick: (interjects) I mean, we all remember the IRA, right?
Maddox: Right. But, Dick, I'm talking specifically about some of the comments in the section.
Dick: Oh, fuck the comments.
Maddox: There were some REAL, real bigots in the Comments section.
Sean: But like, I think we're past having to say that it's a VERY small percentage of Muslims. It's like "We know." It's like, "We know that it's a very small percentage of Jews who are not lawyers, bankers, or comedians." (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Good point.
Maddox: Sean!!! (laughing)
Dick: Good point, Sean. Alright. Let's get on to our…let's end it with that. Can I go first?
Maddox: Go for it.
Dick: 'Cause this is a quick one. I'm bringing in the Artificial Scarcity of Pretzel Bread.
Maddox: Oh, okay. The…(laughing) Well, why?!
Dick: Huge…huge fan favorite. I did some research on this.
Maddox: Okay. (skeptical)
Dick: Right? Okay. Artificial…pretzel bread….to me. 'Cause it's been around, I found, since 610 AD. It is exactly the same as the McRib, the Shamrock Shake, and Buttermilk Biscuit Butterfly Shrimp, at Popeye's. (Maddox laughs) It is a seasonal item used to fuck with our emotions! Do you understand what I'm saying!? Big companies are using these ploys. Pretzel bread. The McRib, the Shamrock Shake, and Buttermilk Biscuit Butterfly Shrimp…to draw us into their crappy restaurants, and then they pull it away from us. (angry)
Maddox: Ahhh. It's that…
Dick: They draw us in…go ahead.
Maddox: It's that Black Friday sale on that shitty big screen TV that you think you're gonna get for $200 that gets you in the store and then they bait and switch you and sell you some shrimp!
Sean: Yeah. Big loss leader.
Maddox: Yeah. Big loss leader. The pretzel bun.
Dick: And it's fucking bullshit. There…Wendy's. Wendy's came out with their pretzel bread bacon sandwich? Whatever it was?
Dick: Doing amazing. Selling in huge numbers. Everybody loves it. Then they pull it away for no reason. Right? According to them…"Bringing new food ideas to our customers attracts them into our restaurants."
Dick: That's it. "We have introduced three unique bread…this year. Multigrain flat bread, pretzel, and new brioche. These breads elevate the quality of our sandwich offerings." Then why yank them away? Why…it's a scam.
Maddox: Yeah. The…
Dick: (interjects) Do you see what I'm saying? It's a scam.
Maddox: They're being honest in that statement, though. They said that these new food offerings bring customers to their stores.
Maddox: Yeah, I mean, they're being honest.
Dick: But then why do they yank them away?
Dick: That's what I'm saying. That's what…
Maddox: (interjects) So they can keep using it! It's the carrot on a stick, man. We're the donkeys.
Dick: It's the cat…no, it's the cat with the string.
Dick: As soon as you give the cat the string, the cat doesn't want the string anymore.
Maddox: They don't want the string. Right.
Dick: You gotta keep yanking it away.
Dick: Uh…a record…100, and it's catching on. So the emotional ploy of fucking with you with scarcity of pretzel bread is gonna get worse. "A record 160 pretzel products were released in 2013, whereas only 60 were released in 2009."
Maddox: So why is this a big deal? Who cares? (laughs) The bottom line is…
Dick: (interjects) Maddox! If there was any argument against corporations, it's the artificial scarcity of pretzel bread. Okay?!
Dick: You don't get that at your corner deli. They don't ever stop making one of their favorite items. This is…this is Big Burger fucking with you.
Maddox: (giggles) Big Burger.
Dick: This is Big Burger drawing you into the stores just to get you addicted to their other food and then yanking away the one that you want.
Maddox: Yeah, but this is…
Dick: (interjects) Do you want to live in that world?! Do you want to live in that world?!
Maddox: Uh, we already do. And they're called seasonal items, Dick. I get it. Sometimes…look. There's some items that aren't artificially scarce. They're…like strawberries, for example.
Maddox: You seem them all over fucking salads in California. Any time you come to California in the summertime, oh, you're gonna find a fucking strawberry in your salad. But in the winter time, you don't find strawberries. You find pears or some other bullshit fruit that they're trying to cram into your fucking salad!
Maddox: Anything but blueberries! But anyway. Uh…the pretzel bun. They said it's a seasonal item, so what's the season?
Dick: Yes, but that's artificial.
Dick: See? The season…
Maddox: (interjects) Who cares?
Dick: The season is low profits. That's the season that the pretzel bun marches around.
Dick: And they're preying on your…they're preying on this preconception you have about strawberries and avocados and what have you. It's disingenuous.
Dick: Of all the problems that you don't like because they're disingenuous, this is the "disingenuousest". (Maddox and Sean laugh) Go ahead. What's your problem? I don't wanna take a lot of time on it.
Maddox: That's it? That's all you got on the…
Dick: I just wanted to let people vote on it.
Maddox: Alright. Fair enough. And if you guys didn't hear the last episode…at the tail end of the last episode, after the credits. We had a voice mail. This guy who was just INCREDULOUS about the artificial scarcity of pretzel buns. And he went on…he had some stats and…he called regular pretzels "ridiculous". He said that they're ridiculous.
Dick: They are ridiculous. They are ridiculous.
Maddox: You know what, Dick?
Sean: Well, the outside is the best part, which is why I like those pretzel crisps. You ever get those at the store?
Dick: No, what's that?
Sean: It's the best part of a pretzel.
Maddox: Yeah. It's like a two-dimensional pretzel.
Maddox: It's all outside. It's all skin.
Sean: Yeah! It's all good!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Sean likes the skin. Alright.
Sean: Well, the other stuff is just, like, bleached flour. It's tasteless.
Maddox: Guys, I get it. You didn't…you didn't like the snacks I provided today. (laughs) (they all laugh)
Dick: You do have bullshit pretzel sn…you have the worst mouth snacks ever on this show.
Maddox: Every time…every time before this show, you gracious host…
Sean: He runs to the gas station. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Your gracious host, Maddox, pulls open his cupboards and rummages through, getting all the snacks ready for the show. Today we have pretzel nuggets and peanuts. The two P's. The two notorious P's of snacking. (laughs)
Dick: Alright. What's your problem?
Maddox: Alright guys. I got a real problem. Also food related. "Stonewall Vegans".
(Sound effect: Clapping)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Stonewall Vegans.
Dick: Stonewall Vegans.
Dick: In what context do you mean "stonewall"?
Maddox: They stonewall you.
Maddox: Stonewalling Vegans.
Maddox: That's…we'll phrase it like that. Stonewalling vegans.
Maddox: Here we go. Guys, vegans are like a moth to a flame when it comes to ruining fun! They can't help themselves. They see fun and they wanna zero in on it and fucking end it! They want to destroy it. Scorched earth policy when it comes to fun. Veganism isn't an ideology, it's a police state! They constantly comb over menus in restaurants to see if there's anything that they can eat, and if they don't find what they want, they force the entire group to go somewhere they want to eat. It…they're food terrorists!
Dick: Yeah, they do.
Maddox: They are the…
Dick: (interjects) They do do that.
Maddox: They are the terrorists of the dining world!
Dick: Even when they say they're not doing it, they're doing it.
Maddox: They're doing it. First of all, guys, stop saying you CAN'T eat things. (Dick chuckles) You can. You just WON'T. Alright?! When you change the words "I can't" to "I won't", you'll finally realize what a crybaby bitch you sound like!
Dick: Yep. That's true.
Maddox: Jesus. It's not like you physically can't eat the food! We all have the same basic physiology, dickheads! You aren't special. You WON'T eat it. Just at least acknowledge that!
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Just at least, at the very least, just say, "I won't eat it", so you sound like the asshole that you are!
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. I 100% agree with that.
Maddox: You're being a big baby-back bitch about it.
Dick: I have ended relationships based on that distinction.
Dick: Like "Oh, I can't…I can't apologize." Like well, you can't, or you won't?
Dick: Like, just say you won't. Just say you won't and admit being a selfish asshole! (angry) That's…that's it. It's a very small difference, but it shows what you think!!
Dick: That your principles are more important than ANYTHING else.
Sean: And then what did you say to that?! (they laugh)
Dick: Oh, you almost stumped me on that one, Sean!!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Ahhh, good job, Sean.
Dick: You almost stumped me.
Maddox: Guys, if there's nothing you want to eat at a restaurant that an entire group of people want to go to, then eat before you go out!! I don't care, like, carry some twigs and berries with you, or sticks, or dirt, or whatever the fuck you eat!
Dick: Just eat grass. It's all over the place. (Maddox laughs) Like a dog.
Maddox: Like, whatever your stupid diet is, eat that before, and then go out with your friends. Or eat afterwards.
Maddox: Or just stay the fuck home!
Maddox: Nobody nee…you're not that fucking special! We don't need you that badly. Don't be such a raging fucking asshole to everyone around you because of your shitty fucking diet! We don't care! We don't wanna hear about it. Don't make your fucking diet my problem! Dick, I got a story about this.
Sean: Yeah, fuck panda bears, too.
Maddox: (giggles) What are you talking about, Sean?
Sean: Well, the assholes of the animal kingdom.
Dick: All they eat is…
Sean: Vegetarians. All they wan…
Maddox: Oh. Yeah. They're huge vegetarians.
Maddox: You can't take a panda anywhere with you.
Dick: Sack up, panda bears! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Here comes Maddox, riding in on an ideological wave down your throat! Listen, man. I got a story. A friend of mine recently was apoplectic. She sent me an email because she was going out with some friends for a nice dinner. They all agreed on a very famous, delicious restaurant in downtown LA. So they have this menu on it that has…it's basically tapas style. So, if you're going to a restaurant with a vegan or a vegetarian, or a picky eater..
Maddox: The best case scenario is that it's tapas. Because then they can pick and choose whatever the fuck little twig of leaf from this thing, or a beet. A dice of beet from another dish. Who cares? Just…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but then they're gonna talk about every choice they're making.
Dick: Like, they've gotta peruse each one like they're running quality control at the asshole factory.
Dick: Lemme see that plate…oh, mmmm, uhhh. And then they gotta ask about it. They gotta ask the waiter the embarrassing questions. Like, "Tell me how this was prepared so that I may bust you in a perceived mistake." Instead of, "Tell me how this was prepared so that I might enjoy it more."
Dick: So that it might be more…succulent to me. So I can enjoy these senses in my body that GOD gave me to use!!!
Maddox: Right. No. It's not that, Dick. They're not asking to enjoy. They're asking to break down.
Maddox: To critique. That's all they're asking for.
Maddox: They want to find flaws in the food so they can make a big issue about it, so they can showboat about their big, fucking…their special dietary needs!
Dick: Their "personality", because that's what they're fabricating!
Maddox: Right. It's so fucking annoying. So…a bunch of people. There were five of them in this group. All four of 'em, in an email chain, were saying..
Dick: Oh God.
Maddox: "Yeah, that sounds great. Let's do it. How's 7? 7's great. Let's do it." Oh my gosh. Five people, all going to a restaurant. They are all available at the same time on the same day. Perfect. Except this one, lone, solitary, blowhard bitch.
Maddox: Sends an email and says, "Hey guys…I looked over the menu…" (dorky voice)
Dick: (laughing) There's that voice again.
Maddox: (dorky voice) "I looked over the menu and there aren't any vegan options, so…um…we should go someplace else.
Maddox: Yeah. To four other people. Grown adults! And so…someone wrote back and said, "Well, they do have vegan options on the menu. Why don't you just order those things?" And she said, (dorky voice) "Well, 'cause there's only a couple and I'll be hungry."
Dick: Oh, my Goooooood.
Maddox: So…so then, this email thread went on…
Dick: Just cut her right off the chain.
Maddox: Yeah, cut her off the chain.
Dick: Cut her off the chain.
Maddox: That's it. Stay home.
Dick: Weakest link. There you go. You're the one getting eaten by lions! Pushed out the door.
Maddox: Yeah. And by the way, this is a dinner plan made in advance. Right? You know that this dinner plan's occurring. If four other people are going to this restaurant, just plan ahead and eat before. If you know that there's nothing you WANT to eat. I'm not gonna say nothing you can't eat, but nothing you want to eat, on this menu, then fucking eat at home, and then show up and grab a fucking drink and shut up!! If you want to be there…
Dick: That's…'cause that's the point.
Dick: That's the point of the dinner is to have a nice evening with friends.
Maddox: Have a nice evening with friends.
Dick: I can eat alone. I can eat…I can eat oatmeal every day forever and just feed calories into my system, but I would like to enjoy life a little bit more than that.
Dick: You already have a tremendous amount of work. You already have a tremendous amount of things working against you to set up a dinner. You don't need another one.
Maddox: Right. Absolutely. So…so someone said, "Well, if you want, we can call the restaurant and see if there are any other vegan options, or if they can make a dish vegan." So she…she did just that. She called the restaurant…
Dick: Are you kidding me?
Maddox: Left a voice mail. A voice mail! The most inconsiderate type of mail that you can leave to someone.
Maddox: Is a voice mail.
Dick: (interjects) No, it's true. I'd rather have a mail bomb than a voice mail.
Maddox: Oh, right. At least a mail bomb gives you the courtesy of ending your life!
Dick: At least there's a…(they all crack up)
Maddox: Instead of listening to this FUCKING recording. Yeah.
Dick: (cracks up) Thank God! Finally. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) So she calls and leaves a message for the manager.
Dick: Ohhh. (laughs)
Maddox: Gets a call back…
Dick: (interjects) Like this is what he's doing on this poor bastard's day. And it's LA…
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: So you know that he's got, like, 100 of these voice mails waiting for him when he gets in. The fucking travesty.
Maddox: And they're overwhelmed. This restaurant is packed all the time. They have a list. They have a waiting list. You have to make reservations. You're always waiting for this restaurant. It's…you're LUCKY if you get a seat. She left a voice mail for this poor manager. He calls back and she asks him if they can modify ingredients in some of the recipes that they have on the menu…
Dick: To just leave out the meat?
Maddox: No, no. Vegan.
Dick: Or is she vegan…
Maddox: Which means no butter. Which means no honey. Which means no animal products whatsoever. No gelatin. Nothing…
Dick: Why is it no honey? Bees like making honey.
Maddox: Yeah, well, uh…they view it as oppression of the bees, or something.
Dick: That's like saying "I don't drink piss."
Dick: Well, like, well…alright.
Maddox: It comes from an animal, so they don't put it in their bodies.
Maddox: But they're okay with, you know. A lot of them are okay with driving in their leather cars. Of course.
Dick: Yeah, of course.
Maddox: Their leather seat cars. So…she calls. She talks to the manager and the manager says, "No, I'm sorry, we don't have alternate ingredients to put into the stuff. We have chefs. It's a very busy kitchen. We don't have these ingredients. I'm sorry, but these are the options that you have."
Dick: "I don't have the authority to do that. I'm just a guy working a job."
Dick: Like, I'm just a guy who's here 'cause I have to be, you stupid bitch!
Dick: Just like everybody in the world. I'm here 'cause I have to do this! Please don't fuck with me today.
Dick: Like, I didn't build this restaurant. I didn't make the menu. Those people make another zero above me!
Dick: Like I don't have the authority to do what you're asking.
Maddox: Right. And even if he did, do you really want to inconvenience the entire fucking kitchen!?
Dick: Nooooo. (sighs)
Maddox: I mean, this isn't an allergy that you have. This isn't some life-threatening thing that you have. You don't have fucking Celiac disease, which most people don't. Fuck off with the gluten thing. But…
Dick: The li…no, the life-threatening illness that they have is having no personality.
Dick: It…it sucks to be normal in a world run by reality TV.
Dick: So, you gotta gin up that personality real quick!
Sean: It sounds like…it sounds like this person is drastically overestimating the value of her company.
Maddox: Oh, abso-fucking-lutely, Sean!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Ding, ding, ding. That's the fucking…amen to that, dude. That's exactly what this is. She's overestimating the value of her company to this dinner party. So…she talks to the manager and the manager says, "Look, there are three options on the menu." There's, like, you know a flatbread with lettuce on it. They said we can remove the cheese. It's like arugula on a flatbread. There…what do you want!?
Maddox: What do you want us to do, lady?! We don't have…whatever fucking crazy shit that you have. So she writes back to the email thread. And says, "Hey guys, I just got off the phone with the manager. I was ready to write a really nasty Yelp review."
Dick: Of course!!!
Maddox: She was ready to ruin their business because this bitch doesn't…they don't cater to you!? Do we go to fucking vegan restaurants and write nasty reviews 'cause they don't have meat options, you bitch!? Like, we're not doing that! We're not going to vegan restaurants and saying, (goofy voice) "Uh, there weren't enough meat options." Don't go to a normal restaurant and expect them to cater to your picky fucking beliefs.
Maddox: So anyway. She's like, (goofy voice) "Uhh….I was about to write a review, but the manager was really nice, but they still don't have any options."
Dick: Please write that review.
Dick: "Don't cater to vegans." Sign me up!! I'll be there.
Maddox: Great. I wanna make a restaurant called "No Vegans".
Maddox: Don't fucking come to my restaurant. I don't care. So…she wrote this thread. And then she didn't suggest any other restaurants. She wanted everyone else in the email thread to do the heavy lifting of finding a restaurant that SHE can eat at!! (Dick chuckles) She said, "we should go to a different restaurant." But didn't suggest any!
Dick: Oh, just stay home. At this point, why even want to go out to dinner with this woman?
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Like this is a…I don't ever want to talk to her again. Right?
Dick: Like, guys, nevermind, I'm out. I'm staying home. I'm going somewhere else. I'm doing anything else with my life than hanging out with this person!! Like…(stammers) how many problems can she run into every day!!??
Dick: How many assholes does she run into every day? Probably a couple, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Surprise, surprise.
Maddox: Surprise, surprise. If you're always running into assholes, guess what?
Dick: You're the asshole.
Maddox: Maybe you're the asshole. So…she…so, somebody on the email thread says, "Well, look. You have a problem with this place. Why don't you suggest something?"
Maddox: And so she suggests a vegan…(Dick cracks up) (Maddox laughs) Yep!!
Maddox: She suggests a vegan Indian restaurant!
Dick: Ugh. They always…they try to slide that in, too.
Maddox: A vegan….yeah.
Dick: 'Cause it's always Indian. Like, "Oh, it's a really nice place." It's like, "Yeah, yeah. Is it Indian? Is it an Indian place?"
Maddox: It's always Indian. Yeah. It's an Indian vegan place. And…
Dick: Bunch of rice.
Dick: Bunch of beans.
Maddox: And you know, like, lentils. Cool.
Maddox: Am I gonna just suck on lentils all night?! (Dick laughs) My fancy dinner out? So one of the people in the thread…
Dick: Sit cross-legged?
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Sit cross-legged and rip up a big tortilla. (Maddox cracks up) Sucking on lentils. You bitch!!!!!!!!!!!! (they crack up)
Maddox: So…so, then…she sends this email. She suggests this vegan Indian restaurant. And one of the people in the thread says, "I'm literally going there the night before." (Dick scoffs) "I have reservations the night before. Is there any other place?" And she said, "Well, you know, it's a pretty good place…(goofy voice) uhhhhgh." And so this lady says, "That's fine. You know what? I'm not gonna be the stick in the mud. You're the stick in the mud. I'll go eat there twice in a row just so you can fucking join us for this dinner."
Maddox: This…my friend. The one who started this email thre…this email thread.
Dick: I would love it if this was secretly a story about your mom. (Maddox laughs) And the woman was…my mom.
Maddox: Ah, no, man. Yeah. So this email. This email thread was started by this woman.
Maddox: And she said, "You know what? Fine. We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll cowtow to you because you're the biggest crybaby." And she didn't even send a big thank you email to everyone saying, "Guys, thank you for accommodating." Or any of that shit. She felt ENTITLED to being this much of a pain in the ass! This woman.
Dick: She's on a mission from God. Can't.. She CAN'T eat it. It's not "won't". It's "can't".
Maddox: Can't. Yeah. Sure.
Dick: Yeah. It's a morality clause.
Dick: See, everybody's got that sick "can't" in them. They just arbitrarily pick what they assign it to.
Dick: That's…that's what I think. Anybody who's like…oh, well I'm so evolved. I'm above that. But, oh, you know, I'll ruins some peoples' night just because I want to eat…I want a bigger selection of beans.
Dick: Like, well, you're a piece of shit.
Maddox: And that's all it is. It's just a bigger selection of beans for you to fucking eat! You could have eaten at that other restaurant! They had options. Just nothing you WANTED.
Dick: Yeah. I'll bring a pocket full of hay, you horse-faced bitch! (Maddox laughs) You chew on this while we're all having a good time at the meatery.
Maddox: Yeah. Eat some dirt.
Dick: So how do you think that would go over? And then just say, "Just kidding."
Dick: You start it with "No offense", and then put "Just kidding".
Maddox: No offense, yeah. If you say no offense, you're good. You're covered. Dude…dude. I have friends who are Jews and Muslims that don't eat pork. (Dick laughs) And they still go to restaurants!
Dick: I'm gonna be disappointed about where this is going.
Dick: That's gonna be a great Jew joke! (laughing) "I have friends who are Jews and Muslims". Ohoh, baby. (laughing)
Maddox: No. They still…look, man. I've been to restaurants with Jews and Muslims that serve pork. You know what they do? They simply don't order it. They don't make it a big fucking deal. They don't care if you order it.
Maddox: You can eat it. I even went to a restaurant with a Buddhist one time. To a Chinese restaurant. And it was Christmas dinner and part of the Christmas dinner was…it was a fixed course menu. They brought out this huge, delicious, Chinese soup. And it had beef in it. And he's…he's Buddhist.
Maddox: Doesn't eat beef. And you know what he did?
Dick: Oh, Buddhists are de facto vegetarians?
Maddox: Uh…well, this guy was.
Maddox: This guy was. He says he doesn't eat beef. Excuse me. He was not Buddhist. He was Hindu. That's right.
Dick: There we go.
Maddox: There we go. Yeah. That makes sense.
Dick: More honest.
Maddox: That makes more sense. So he says he doesn't eat beef. But you know what he did? He just picked up a scoop of vegetables from the soup, and then just ate the vegetables.
Maddox: Didn't make a big fucking deal out of it. He's like, "Yeah, I'm not gonna eat the beef." And I know that some of the beef broth is in the, uh…you know. Is in the soup. But…whatever. I'm…
Dick: Yeah. You're not changing the world by not eating the beef broth.
Maddox: Yeah. Whatever god you believe in isn't gonna be sitting there tallying the total of all the molecules of beef you eat, you fucking idiots!
Dick: I mean, he might be. You don't know that.
Dick: Or SHEEEEE might be.
Maddox: Ohhhhhh. Okay. (Dick giggles) Anyway, Dick. I have a…I have a YouTube video here. I have a YouTube video from a vegan. I just looked on YouTube, I said, "Why should I become a vegan?" Right? (Dick giggles) Here's one of the first things that come up. Listen to this. This is from the YouTube channel…it's Fluffy….
Dick: Why don't you just call this vegans?
Dick: Why don't you just call his vegans?
Maddox: Vegans. Oh. No…
Dick: Instead of Stonewalling Vegans.
Maddox: Stonewalling Vegans. 'Cause I have a few. Very few. But I have a few vegan friends who aren't stonewalling vegans.
Maddox: They're the ones that come to dinner and they don't make their dietary needs your issue.
Maddox: But they're very few. So here's…here's one from YouTube. This is "Why you Should Become a Vegan". Uh, the channel is FluffyPinkGlam. Here we go.
(Sound clip: YouTube video: (female voice) "Eating meat, dairy, fish, cheese…is just not right. The first thing is the moral aspect…"
"I mean…if you think about it. It's kinda crazy that we humans think that animals are just here for our needs."
"Or…you know, to give us their body. Their life.")
Dick: (cracks up) So she's talking about herself.
Maddox: So…animals…(goofy voice) are here just…(stammers) so you think it's okay to kill plant life? You think it's okay to kill plant life.
Maddox: Plants are living creatures! Plants are living beings! They've done studies that show plants feel pain.
Dick: They have pain. Yeah.
Maddox: They react. They even emit sound when they're being killed.
Maddox: Plants are living creatures. So it's okay for you to kill plants, but not animals, right?
Maddox: You're fine with killing plants, because they don't have a face! You can't relate to plant life. You're a specieist! That what you are.
Dick: There's also pescatarian stonewallers.
Dick: There's a whole…a whole gradiation of…
Maddox: How's that? What do you mean?
Dick: Well, they only eat fish.
Maddox: Oh, the pescatarian stonewallers?
Dick: Same thing.
Maddox: Yeah, basically.
Dick: Just throw fish on there.
Maddox: Yeah. But I've never gone to a restaurant where a pescatarian stonewaller, someone was stonewalling me because they didn't have fish on the menu.
Maddox: They'll eat something else. I mean..
Dick: Well, your friends are fucked, so I'm sure you'll get there eventually.
Maddox: Yeah. That's true. Uh, Dick…
Dick: In one of these emails.
Maddox: Yeah. Well…this is from…I think I saw this on…yeah. This is from Web MD. "A vegan diet isn't healthy." This is from the July issue of the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition. "German researchers tracked 174 apparently healthy people living in Germany and the Netherlands. They found that 92% of the vegans they studies, those who ate the strictest vegetarian diet, which shuns ALL animal products, including milk and eggs, had Vitamin B12 deficiencies."
Maddox: Which leads to heart disease and stroke.
Maddox: And these are people…especially vegan mothers who are breastfeeding. Their children have…are usually malnourished. Because they don't get enough B12. Guys, stop doing this. You don't need to do this. If you want to abstain from meat for whatever fucking goofy reasons you want…(Dick chuckles) Fine. But don't…(stammers) at least drink a cup of milk. If you drink a cup of milk or eat an egg, you'll get all the B12 you need and you don't have to be such a staunch fucking idiot about it.
Dick: That supermodel Magneto that I dated? Remember? (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: She would also not get red meat at In and Out, and she would always eat my burger.
Dick: She would always take bites off of my Triple-triple.
Dick: In and Out. The hamburger fast food place. She wouldn't order it herself, because she saw a cow at some point in her…I don't know. She saw a baby cow.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: And she couldn't imagine killing them anymore?
Dick: But she would lay into mine with that thin supermodel jaw and chew right through it. Ruining…making my hamburger refuse, that I now have to eat.
Sean: That's like smokers who only bum cigarettes.
Maddox: It's like one of those wood bores. They just bore a hole right through your burger.
Maddox: With that needle mouth. (laughing)
Dick: I'm like, what the hell? Am I supposed to eat this? And now I'm eating something…now my lips are touching something that have almost touched my own dick. You know!? (Maddox laughs) Her lips are eating my burger. This is what I'm thinking now when I'm trying to enjoy my hamburger. Wait a minute. How far away am I from having my own dick in my mouth? Right?
Dick: 'Cause she's touched it a lot. All the time.
Dick: Oh. Oh, yeah. This relationship lasted a long time for a reason. And…now, I'm touching that same thing with my mouth. It's disgusting.
Maddox: I got a story about that. I have a friend who I know…she loves to lick buttholes. Like, that's her thing.
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: She likes to lick…
Maddox: …guys' buttholes. That's her thing.
Maddox: And…uh…I found out one day that she was dating one of my friends. And we all went to a restaurant. And I ordered…(they giggle) I ordered a giant lemonade. A giant pink lemonade. (Dick laughs) Sat down, ready to…
Dick: Infantilism. (laughs)
Maddox: It's delicious. It's refreshing!
Maddox: So we sat down. I'm waiting for my burger. My giant pink lemonade. Haven't even taken a sip yet and she goes, "Oh, can I try?" (Dick laughs) And she's just…she took a sip from my lemonade! My fresh, brand-new lemonade! (Dick cracks up) And I just sat there…looking at that straw. And thinking about her licking my friend's butthole. (Dick dying of laughter) (Maddox laughs) And I swear to God, I didn't take a single sip of my giant lemonade!
Dick: Did you explain it?!
Dick: You didn't send it back to get another one!?
Maddox: No. Mm-mm.
Dick: You didn't try like a, "I have a cold"? Something like that?
Maddox: Nope. Lost my appetite. Didn't want…didn't want it. (Dick cracks up) I didn't want any more lemonade. And then I told some of my friends, and they knew. They…(cracks up) they all looked down the table at me to see if I would. (Dick laughs) It was kind of like a ticking time bomb. They were all watching me nervously if I was going to take a sip. And I didn't fucking touch that lemonade.
Dick: Did you fake em out? Like a little lean in? (Maddox laughs) Like, aaaaah, guys, aaah, make 'em throw up in the corner?
Maddox: No, because I was afraid if I took a whiff of that straw with that…you know, that residual butthole on it, I would throw up.
Dick: Feces, all over it.
Dick: You made the right call.
Maddox: Anyway, man. That's my problem. Stonewalling vegans.
Dick: That's a…I had a big altercation. Well, not big. I had an altercation with a guy…with a stonewalling vegan at Burning Man.
Maddox: Whaaa?! Let's hear this.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So…real quick. Um…so you know we were doing soup-flavored blankets out in the desert.
Dick: Like a mile outside of the Man. Where there's nothing around. People say you're…
Maddox: What…what was the section, by the way? Where were you guys located?
Dick: 12:30 and a mile.
Dick: So you go to the man, you point up at 12:30 where there's nothing, where there's a big wedge taken out like Pac-Man's mouth and you go up a mile and there was us.
Dick: Uh…and smartasses are…the ignorant are, like, you're giving out hot soup in the desert, What are you guys, assholes?
Dick: It's…it's the desert, shithead. It gets to like 40 degrees out there.
Dick: It's freezing. We save people's lives.
Maddox: People who've never been to the desert have no idea what it's like at night.
Dick: Yeah. Google it.
Maddox: Right. Yeah.
Dick: Uh, so this fucking asshole. So we built a giant cracker box and we're giving out hot soup. We're giving out soup all night. Like, we're not running a soup stand and selling soup.
Dick: You don't do that. You're just…you come up. You tell us…we're running a show out there.
Dick: You tell us a little story, you know, we flirt with you a little bit.
Maddox: Mhmm. (giggles)
Dick: Four guys came up and I made them sing. They had no jokes or anything. They were foreigners. I made them sing the national anthem to, like. Istanbul or something. Wherever they were from.
Dick: Cute…cute stuff, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Big activity.
Maddox: That's funny, yeah.
Dick: So…(sighs) my buddy Pete is manning the booth. Talking to some beautiful girls, 'cause they're all beautiful out there.
Dick: Pete's a very nice guy.
Maddox: Sure. (giggles) Oh, yeah.
Dick: They…they are! You don't think, on average, the girls that you see in the pictures at Burning Man are more beautiful than…and this is coming from people…guys who live in LA!
Dick: You go outside of LA…and it looks like a nightmare!
Maddox: Uhh, Dick, no. I don't think so. I…I looked…
Dick: Tinder's a rogue's gallery outside of LA.
Maddox: No…(giggles) No. The first time I went…the first time I heard about Burning Man was…what, like, back in '97, something like that. It was a long time ago, right? When it first became a thing.
Maddox: And I anxiously pulled up Burning Man, and all the photos, 'cause I heard that a lot of people run around naked out there, I'm like "Ah, sweet." I get my dick out, I'm ready.
Dick: Hmm. 'Kay.
Maddox: I'm ready to have a…
Dick: That's mistake number one.
Maddox: I'm ready to…(laughs)
Dick: Getting the dick out first.
Maddox: To rub one out. I'm ready. I'm prepared, right?
Maddox: Ready to rub one out to these hot chicks at Burning Man.
Dick: What a weirdo. (laughs)
Maddox: Everything was just, like, orangutans, man. Just…saggy…
Dick: The chicks?!
Maddox: Saggy boobs, dusty, dirty…
Dick: You're insane. Those…the women out there are beautiful.
Maddox: Matted hair.
Dick: Alright. Anyway.
Dick: Pete's talking to a couple of these orangutans. (Maddox laughs) And this guy, this fucking lunatic, runs up…cuts the line. We got a 40-minute line, 'cause people want this soup. He goes, "Hey…hey, do you have any vegan options?" So my buddy Pete just kinda looks at him, again, nice guy, he's like, "Hey, you know, yeah. We got a lot of stuff. We got a huge assortment of soup in here. You'll just have to see."
Dick: Yeah. So…he goes again, "Well, yeah, but I don't wanna waste my time waiting in line and not get a good vegan option when I get up here." And this is now…
Dick: You're just fucking with my buddy's game, right?
Dick: You're fucking with everybody's good time now.
Dick: Because he doesn't want to waste his precious time waiting in line. So I say to him, "Well, we got hot water."
Maddox: There you go, dickhead!
Dick: "Is that vegan enough for you?"
Maddox: Yeah, asshole.
Dick: He's like, "Well, you know…" so Pete's like, "Look…" the guy goes, "Well, you don't have to be an asshole about it." And Pete goes, "Well, you're being the asshole."
Dick: You're being the asshole. Just lemme get back to these people, but you are most certainly being the asshole. So he continues.
Maddox: Ugh. (groans)
Dick: "What do you got?" I'm like, "Well, we got water." "You know, we got water, but I wanna make this perfectly clear. When you get up here, you're getting none of it."
Maddox: Hah! Good!
Dick: Like, you are getting absolutely…if we have a vegan option, I'll dump it out on the fucking floor before I give it to you. And it turned into this whole thing. You know how bro-downs go.
Dick: Where he's like, "Oh, bro, you know, let's just have a drink" and I'm like, "I'm not fucking drinking with you, man."
Dick: I don't want to drink with you. I don't want to do anything with you, ever. Get the fuck outta here!
Dick: And this little Asian girl goes, "So what gave you guys the idea to do a soup stand?" (they laugh) I'm sitting there, and I'm looking at her, I look at her like I've got daggers shooting out of…I've got blood shooting out of my eyes, or you know, my ears.
Dick: Wherever. It's shooting out of. I'm like, "You know what? Thank you very much…I'll answer your question and try to tone down the psychopathy." But…they just ruin everybody's time. They're so entitled.
Maddox: Yeah. He doesn't wanna waste his time, by the way, at the desert, where he has nothing but time. Waiting for FREE FOOD. That nobody's ent…he's not entitled!! Vegans, you're not entitled to anything!
Dick: No. No.
Maddox: Eat it or don't! Don't make your issue everyone else's issue! Look. They were already kind enough to turn and stop what they're doing to answer your stupid question!
Maddox: Which you could have found out just by standing around for a minute and seeing what options people get.
Dick: Or just wait in line and talk to people.
Maddox: Yeah, just wait in line.
Dick: That's the whole point.
Maddox: What are you doing in the desert? Where do you have to be? Where do you have to be in the fucking desert at Burning Man?
Dick: I don't know. Uh…today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. BIGGESTPROBLEM. Two words, no spaces.
Dick: That's it.
Maddox: And we link to it on our website. Use the…use the link on our website. You don't have to type anything. We made it easy for you.
Dick: Yeah. Make sure it works. There's people in the comments who are saying it doesn't work, but you make sure it works by going tohttp://www.harrys.com and using the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM. Save $5 off your first purchase. http://www.harrys.com was started by two guys passionate about creating a better shaving experience. That's what I want passion from. A shaving experience. Not about not eating meat.
Maddox: (giggles) Yeah! Why can't you be passionate about something good?
Dick: Yeah. Harry's are as passionate about razors as these jackasses are about their not eating meat fetish.
Dick: Um, they bought the blade factory in Germany. Everyone knows that. But they've cut out the middle man, so they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands. I'm using mine! I'm still using mine.
Dick: I think I might be on the last blade.
Maddox: No, I got new ones. I got new ones.
Dick: You got a new one?
Maddox: I got new ones, yeah. Finally.
Dick: Why didn't you tell me? I would have tried to milk these guys for a free razor!
Maddox: Uh, yeah. We'll talk to 'em. We should do that, actually.
Maddox: We should get some new razors. Um, I think our listeners will be glad to know. We have verified this. The blades are 100% vegan. (Dick giggles) So eat those. (laughs) (they both crack up)
Dick: It just…it makes me so insane, these…these people!
Dick: I don't know where it comes…it's the entitlements part of it, but the total lack of awareness.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: It's the total lack of awareness. I'm like, "You…you personally…you are destroying the world." Like, I blame them for everything that's wrong because of the lack of awareness, you know what I mean?
Maddox: It's…yeah. That ideology is pretty…that lack of self-cognizance is a real big problem. What's…
Dick: What were you gonna say, Sean?
Sean: The most underrated part of the Harry's shave kit is the aftershave.
Dick: Do you use aftershave?
Sean: I never really have, but I do with that. It smells great. It works, it's like really cooling.
Dick: I never have, either.
Dick: Because I want my natural smell.
Sean: No, you should wear it. This smells just like this show. It smells like alcohol and tears.
Dick: Alright. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That's a good…
Dick: That's probably not true.
Maddox: That's a good scent! (Dick laughs) Ladies, put that on your legs!
Dick: Shipping is free. Starter kits start at just $15. There you go.
Maddox: Thanks for supporting the show, guys. Really means a lot. It REALLY helps the show. Thanks, guys!
Dick: Alright, You ready for my problem?
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.
Maddox: Oh, alright.
Dick: You remember our discussion last week about Christopher Reeve, right?
Maddox: I do.
Dick: Well, I…I still disagree with that. So I did some research.
Maddox: Wait, what specifically do you disagree with?
Dick: So you don't…I don't wanna put words in your mouth.
Dick: You have some kind of problem with Christopher Reeve.
Dick: Right? Is that fair to say?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, essentially.
Dick: You don't like that he's a celebrity, so his affliction gets more attention just because…just because he's a celebrity.
Maddox: Dick, I need to correct you already. Was. Was…
Dick: Alright. I knew it. (scoffs)
Maddox: Yeah. Was. Was…
Dick: Was a celebrity?
Maddox: Yeah, he was with us…well. I dunno. Are you still a celebrity if you're dead? I guess you are, yeah. He was with us.
Dick: But he got famous while he was al…I mean, he got…his condition. His paralysis got famous while he was alive. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. He popularized the cause. Right.
Dick: Yeah. So this guy comments. Adam Rathbone. "Maddox, how is it selfish or assholish to care about a problem that is literally ruining your life?" Right?
Dick: I certainly would agree with that.
Dick: We have limited ti…no? (grins)
Maddox: No, I…I mean, he ignored the argument that I made.
Dick: I…he's just talking about Christopher Reeve.
Dick: How is it selfish? How is he selfish or an asshole to…
Maddox: (interjects) Let's get through the comment that we're replying to.
Dick: "We have limited time and resources. You can't be expected to care about every problem in the world. You can't devote your time and money to every problem. Of course, the problems that affect you are going to take priority. Almost…" and here's…here's where it gets interesting. "Almost 1% of the American population alone is paralyzed." I think you quoted 250,000 worldwide.
Dick: Um…"And you think that 250,000 worldwide is the number." And I'm not saying this to throw, like, wrong facts in your face. I'm not interested in that. "Why do you think that handicapped parking spots are mandatory?" And that's a whole different thing.
Dick: "Charity exhaustion was also debunked." I didn't know that. "And the ALS challenge is credited with a recent breakthrough." So here's…that's…I read that comment and I said, "I wonder what the number actually is, right?"
Dick: So I said, "How many people are paralyzed?"
Maddox: Yeah, I l…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it SUCKS, right?
Maddox: I looked it up after that episode, too. To double check my figures.
Dick: And what did I find?
Dick: A study by the Christopher Reeve Foundation.
Dick: Saying that 2%. About 2% of people are paralyzed. They found like a million more people than previously thought, who were paralyzed, because they're not coming in for therapy anymore.
Dick: So they weren't accounted for.
Dick: That's huge to me!
Dick: Because that says to drug companies, "Hey, you could make more money if you try to help these people!" And that's a great incentive.
Dick: Incentivizing drug companies with…money. To help a HORRIBLE, like, life…ALMOST life-ending affliction, I would say. Paral…have you ever been paralyzed?
Maddox: No, thankfully.
Dick: Have you ever had a broken anything?
Maddox: Ye…uh, no, I have not.
Dick: I've broken my hand or arms…I've broken something on me.
Dick: Almost every year for a while. Like, I've broken my hand and arms more times than I can count on one hand.
Dick: And it fucking sucks!
Dick: It ruins your life! Especially when most of your life is based around typing.
Dick: Like, it's so bad…I wrote a program so I could type with one hand. Like, a mirror of the keyboard, the other side?
Maddox: I remember that, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Because…because they RAPE you on these accessibility devices! The first thing I did when I came home with a broken hand, I'm like, "Alright, let's see how jerking off feels with the wrong hand."
Dick: Feels kinda weird.
Maddox: Yeah, it's weird.
Dick: That's gonna take an adjustment.
Maddox: Gave yourself a stranger.
Dick: Well, ye…
Maddox: That's what you call that.
Dick: No, the stranger, I think, is when you sit on your hand and put it to sleep.
Maddox: Yeah, but it's essentially the s…oh, (stammers) you're correct, yeah. Go on.
Dick: I gave myself a nighttime liaison. Let's call it that.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay.
Dick: I had an affair.
Dick: Right? With the wrong hand.
Maddox: Wrong hand.
Dick: And then I'm like, "Alright, I gotta learn how to type with…I gotta figure out how typing works with one hand. 'Cause this dancing around the keyboard like Fred Astaire with one hand is not working."
Maddox: It's awful. You might as well use a touch screen!
Dick: Yeah. (they laugh) It is totally useless!
Dick: So I'm like, "Okay. There's a ton of paralyzed, disabled people out there."
Dick: "How hard could it be to get a keyboard for one hand?" Like, maybe I gotta use my feet or something like that?
Maddox: Yeah, they have pedals. Yeah.
Dick: I type it in. $700.
Dick: I'm like, "Are you fucking kidding me?! $700 for this hunk of shit!?" This is…this…you're getting raped!!! (exclaims) This is…like, you're getting…this is highway robbery!
Maddox: But don't you think that the $700 price tag has more to do with the fact that these companies and manufacturers are pricing it not for the individual, but for insurance companies?
Dick: Absolutely. Except…in the world we're in, insurance doesn't cover everything.
Dick: Like, it'd be nice. They're prohibited from selling it at a reasonable amount because of insurance companies.
Maddox: Well, they just wanna make more money. Let's not say that they're prohibited. Some people are not always…some people are altruistic in this world, Dick. I know you don't believe that.
Dick: No. No, no, no, no, no. Because…because you only get a percentage of your insurance claim. So they're pricing it so that the percentage they get back…
Dick: Is the actual amount that's the fair price of the thing.
Dick: Like, if they charged $700 for it, the insurance company only reimburses 20%, then they're getting $140, which to me, is a reasonable amount for that keyboard. Right?
Maddox: Well, what…
Dick: (interjects) Like, that's how fucked healthcare is!!
Dick: Because they get back…and they only get what they get paid…reimbursed for.
Dick: Like, you're not shelling out the other 80% out of your pocket.
Dick: Yeah. Anyway. So I'm like, $700? That's fucked. I gotta build this myself.
Dick: I gotta make this shit myself. And that…as inconvenient as that was, that was not the worst part.
Maddox: What was the worst part?
Dick: Banging a chick.
Maddox: Huh! Alright. (giggles)
Dick: With a totally useless arm.
Maddox: Oh, I dunno about that, buddy! I can…I feel like…if I had a…(stammers) I don't want a broken arm, but if I had a broken arm…
Maddox: I think it would up my game with chicks. (Dick giggles) Because I…look. Women love scars and they love injuries. So you show 'em you have…"Oh, my hand doesn't work, lady."
Maddox: And they wanna…they wanna sack it. Immediately.
Maddox: It's something about them says "I need to mount this guy."
Dick: Yeah, 'cause I broke it by punching out a racist!
Maddox: (giggles) Exactly!
Dick: That's why they love it.
Sean: She can help you move the bags of sand off the bed.
Maddox: Shut the fuck up, Sean! (Dick cracks up) Shut your fucking whore mouth, alright?!!? (Dick still laughing) Tired of this shit! So you get on the bed, right? And then you lay down and you're like, "Lady, I can't…" this is your free pass. This is the Get Out of Jail Free Card in Monopoly.
Dick: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Maddox: You lay down and you say, "I can't do anything."
Maddox: And you're gonna have to cowgirl me the whole time. Cowgirl, reverse cowgirl. Do the pogo thing. Do the helicopter thing. You gotta do all the moves.
Maddox: All the moves!
Dick: Lemme tell you something. That works exactly one time.
Dick: Then the rest, you've got…first of all, your dick's getting broken, guaranteed. (Sean and Maddox crack up) If you're pulling that move. If she's on top and she's gotta milk every ounce of pleasure out of that one position, your dick is definitely getting jackknifed.
Maddox: Ooooooh. (laughs painfully)
Dick: Oh, that's what I learned very quickly with this girl…
Dick: Beautiful girl. Amazing girl. Um…couldn't hold a conversation to save her life.
Dick: But she could suck a golf ball through a McDonald's straw.
Maddox: Hmmkay. (giggles)
Dick: So I'm like "Oh, jackpot. I'm just gonna sit…I'm just gonna ride this out on my back for the next six weeks."
Maddox: Pretty awesome!
Dick: Immediate…her understanding of the injury…
Dick: Went about as far as my explanation right there.
Dick: All of a sudden, it was, well, the turn. You know the turn that they give you?
Dick: For you to get on top?
Dick: Constant. Like, a…
Dick: It was…her move was, like, "Oh, but I just, I need to feel it like this. Are you sure your hand is…is it that messed up?"
Maddox: Ohhh. (painful)
Dick: Like, the dissatisfaction was palpable. So I'm like, "This is…now, this is the life I would lead with one paralyzed hand!"
Dick: This is the misery that I'm l…and thank GOD it's not permanent for me!
Maddox: Bro, you got…
Dick: But this is already mis…her shitty Chihuahua is trying to burrow into my taint! (Maddox laughs) While I'm doing this!
Maddox: Why are you at her place, man? Look, bro.
Dick: No, I don't bring girls like that back to my place.
Maddox: Well…you gotta dud. You picked a dud. Why are you with this dud who is not accommodating? Come on, man.
Dick: Oh, please. Right. Only buy stocks that go up. Right? (grins)
Maddox: Noooooo, man.
Dick: Only date amazing women that…
Maddox: Dick, you have the best tool in dating arsenal out there.
Dick: Thank you.
Maddox: Which is a br…(cracks up)
Dick: Money. (they all laugh)
Maddox: You have…you have a cast on your hand. You go to the bar, and they're just coming to you, "Oh my gosh, are you okay? Poor baby." Kiss, kiss, kiss. The next thing you know, you're in Bang Town, buddy!
Dick: Yeah. I'm telling you, it only lasts so far!
Dick: And then they're not understanding at all! They don't wanna just get on a pommel horse like you're some kind of a broken Sybian!! And ride you for weeks! (Maddox cracks up) It doesn't work like that! They're real people!
Maddox: Bro, I dunno what kind of chicks you've been dating, but all I've had is the other kind, where they can only get off in one position, and it's always that same position.
Dick: (scoffs) Alright.
Maddox: It's the same thing every single time, and man. I don't even need arms!! Tsh. Whatever. I mean, I…(giggles)
Dick: You know what? You know what? Okay. Next time…next time you have sex. And you…I don't want you to tell the person you're having sex with.
Dick: I want you to try to do it without moving your arms.
Maddox: Hmmm. Me?
Dick: Yeah. Next time you have sex, I would like you to try…once clothes are off. I would like you to try to do it without moving your arms. Like, crawling in on your feet….
Maddox: I'll…(cracks up)
Dick: On your knees, trying to get it, like, and not calling attention to it. Trying to…
Dick: I mean, you can move 'em a little bit so you don't look like a broken Frankenstein.
Maddox: Well, what about this move? Does this count? 'Cause this has actually happened. Um, both…arms behind your head like you're sitting back in an office chair, you know, like legs kicked up? (cracks up)
Dick: What…you got, like, a weekend at Bernie's? (they laugh) Routine going over here?!!? (laughing) (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Ahhh. Okay. So is your problem again that you…(stammers) Something…
Dick: (interjects) Paralysis. Paralysis.
Maddox: Paralysis. Okay. It's not…it's a not a dick-related…
Dick: So this is what the Christopher Reeve Foundation found.
Dick: Um…a survey of 33,000 households. Nobody had ever done this before. Like, people were just relying on, um…medical records.
Maddox: Right. So they found…according to my research, they found four times the amount of paralyzed people.
Dick: Yeah. Huge!
Maddox: As previously estimate. No, it's not huge. It's 250,000 x4.
Dick: Four times!!
Maddox: That's 1.2 million!
Dick: That's…Maddox, that's 2% of America they found!!
Maddox: It's less than 1%.
Dick: One in 50 Americans is living with some form of paralysis, whether caused by disease, spinal cord injury, or neurological damage.
Dick: Someone you know is living with paralysis. A family member, a friend, or a work colleague.
Dick: That's…that's huge to me. 5.6 million Americans live with some form of paralysis.
Maddox: Dick, you can…I mean, do you understand what the word "huge" means?
Dick: Please, tell me more about this. (Maddox scoffs) I feel like I'm talking to Trump right now.
Maddox: 'Cause every single t…
Dick: Tell me more about huge.
Maddox: Every single time you say something is HUGE, almost every time on the show, it's always in the low percentages, like 1% or 2%. It's not huge. We can say that it's a big problem…
Dick: (interjects) 5.6 million people?! That's huge.
Maddox: No. It's…
Dick: (interjects) That's almost…the number of downloads we've had for this show is huge. (Maddox laughs) 4 million! This is more than the number of downloads we've had for this show!
Maddox: Dick, but that's a…that's a weaselly way of saying it, because the downloads for our show are pretty high for podcasts, but the number of people…the percentage of the United States?! It's tiny! It's 1%.
Dick: 2!!! Okay, let's say 1 to 2.
Maddox: 1% to 2%.
Dick: Let's say 2.
Dick: Just…just for the sake of argument. (they crack up)
Maddox: Okay. Look, man. You can say that it's a big problem…
Dick: 2% is huge.
Maddox: You can make the case…look. Paralysis is awful. It is a big problem, but I'm not…let's not say it's huge. It's not huuuuuuuge, okay? It's a big problem, but it's not huge.
Dick: Do you think it's bigger than terrorism?
Dick: It's a different problem!
Dick: You're not afraid of getting paralyzed!
Maddox: Okay. The number of people who are paralyzed are what?
Dick: Unless you played Superman in a movie or TV. Right?
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: Didn't they all get fucked up?
Maddox: The curse of Superman. That's true.
Maddox: 1.9…I think it was about 1.5 to 1.9 million people are paralyzed in the United States, according to the Christopher Reeve Foundation.
Dick: Oh, are you suspect of that?
Maddox: A little bit.
Dick: Ohhohoho!! (giggles)
Maddox: Because it's…it's kind of like…(giggles) It's kind of like a women's group…(Dick cackles) coming up with a study saying that women are oppressed. It's like, "Okay, of course. You're looking for that." (Dick guffaws) That's what they're looking at.
Dick: That's the worst thing you've ever said. (grins)
Maddox: (laughing) How?! Why!?
Dick: (inaudible)…and I'm the weasel?!
Maddox: Why?! Why is that…
Sean: That is awful.
Dick: That is really awful!!
Maddox: (laughing) Why?!
Dick: That's awful!
Maddox: Can you explain to me? 'Cause look. This is for real. I'm just wondering, why is that awful?
Dick: That you suspect a foundation built on helping people who are paralyzed…
Dick: Like you're trapped in your body like it's a coffin, but you're still alive.
Dick: You suspect them of malfeasance when it comes to their telephone poll that, like, uncovered an uncomfortable amount of people being paralyzed.
Dick: (interjects) You suspect that.
Maddox: The…look. You cannot deny that there is a conflict of interest there. The paralysis foundation whose…whose soul purpose for existing is to raise money for their cause…is also the ones coming up with these numbers!
Maddox: Like…there's a conflict of interest! At least acknowledge that!
Dick: You are…you are speaking ill…
Sean: Yeah. They're there to, like, hotrod their wheelchairs, right?
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean!
Dick: They're trying to…(laughing) (Maddox laughs) Here they come! Here they…
Maddox: Well, no…look, man.
Dick: You are speaking ill of a dead Superman. (Maddox snorts) You are wrong!! (they laugh) That's how you know you are wrong!
Maddox: Look, man. Look. So…so back to that Adam Rathbone comment at the top of the show.
Maddox: You read his comment. He said that…they're raising money for a good cause, and his entire response was essentially a big shrug. Like, (goofy voice) "What are you supposed to do, man? There's too many problems. At least we're picking one!" That's idiotic.
Dick: Why is that idiotic?
Maddox: Because, Dick. Again. If your house is on fire, don't worry about filing your taxes on time.
Maddox: If your house is on fire, don't worry about mowing your lawn.
Maddox: These are small problems that…that we have actual…look. If you're going to give attention to problems. And you're going to solve a problem. If you give an undue amount of money, like, to the ALS challenge?
Maddox: They raised SO much money. Way more than any other foundation or charity that year.
Dick: 'Cause it's the only shot they'll ever get!
Dick: They will never get another shot to raise money like that.
Maddox: Yeah, but…why aren't we spending that much…look, man. One of the most horrific diseases that humans can get is Harlequin's Disease.
Maddox: Obesity is true, but Harlequin's Disease is fucking awful! These people have skin that becomes scaly and dry.
Maddox: And it's constantly bleeding.
Sean: No, they're born like that.
Maddox: They're born like that.
Dick: They're born like that.
Sean: So they usually don't live past a day or two.
Maddox: Well, but the people…
Dick: That problem solves itself.
Sean: There's one that's, like, a late teenager. Like, she's lived longer than anybody…
Maddox: Sean…right. Sean, you are strengthening my point. There are very few people who have this disease.
Maddox: It is horrific. And they're constantly bleeding. They have to put lotion on their skin. They look deformed. It's a horrific disease! Should we just suddenly all go out and start a huge foundation that raises 80 million dollars to find a cure for this ONE PERSON!?
Sean: No! Because they don't live.
Maddox: Sean, but that's the point. But the few who do…the few who do get to that…look, there's other diseases like that who there are only a few people who are affected by it.
Maddox: Should we then completely…
Dick: (interjects) Huge cock-ism.
Maddox: Ignore? Ech..
Dick: No, go ahead, go!! (laughs)
Maddox: Should we completely ignore the things that are affecting most people? Shouldn't we prioritize those things first?!
Dick: Breast cancer has a whole month! All…all Christopher Reeve got was one news cycle. Breast cancer, entire month! Every fucking year. Paralysis. One news cycle.
Dick: (interjects) I think that's fair.
Maddox: Christopher Reeve got more than a news cycle.
Dick: Three weeks. And it's done.
Maddox: It's just selfish, man. It's just selfish. Look, man.
Dick: Ohhhhh. I think you hate it, and you're wrapping it up in this academic rationale, but it doesn't check out for me!
Dick: That's all I'm saying.
Maddox: Why not?!
Dick: Because it's…first of all, the house analogy. The house on fire analogy.
Dick: I don't agree with also. The house…the house is on fire!!
Dick: Like, the house is on fire. This is the argument of "What are you gonna get out of the house?" What are you going in…
Maddox: (interjects) No it's not. What are you talking about? No it's not. You're putting out the house.
Dick: No. The house is burning down. The house is gone.
Dick: Somebody else is gonna take…we're taking…what do we got, cancer, 40% of people? Paralysis, 2% of people? I dunno. I got…so much space in my arms. I can grab everything. Whatever jumps out at me, I'm gonna grab.
Dick: That's life.
Maddox: Okay. The…let's use an analogy exactly tantamount to what you started with, which is 1 in 50 people in the United States are suffering from paralysis, and I'm not gonna dispute those numbers.
Dick: It might be 1 in 40.
Dick: We don't know.
Maddox: No, it's probably not. Let's say 1 in 50. Okay? (Sean and Dick giggle) 'Cause those are the numbers you gave.
Maddox: One in fifty.
Dick: Yes. Yeah.
Maddox: Let's line up fifty people.
Maddox: And those represent all Americans.
Maddox: Statistically, based on what you said, one of those people is paralyzed, right?
Maddox: Correct. So, let's say, all those people, they represent America.
Maddox: So, statistically, some of them are going to be obese. About 40% of them are going to be obese.
Maddox: Statistically. About 80% of them are going to die of some heart-related disease.
Maddox: Statistically, 20% or 30%, maybe 40% are going to die from cancer, okay?
Maddox: Statistically, some of those people have…
Dick: Get cancer. Not die from it. I don't think.
Maddox: Well, they're going to get cancer, sure. But then, statistically, some of them are gonna die from it.
Maddox: Then you have people who are gonna die from accidents and injuries and so on. Some people have all sorts of different diseases. Diabetes. Uh…malnourishment. All these different things. Those are represented in those 50 people. Now you're going down the line. And you're saying, "Okay. For each person in this line, we're going to give you a way to communicate your message."
Maddox: And for the person who has heart disease, you give them a notepad. For the next person, who has cancer, you give them a little sticky pad. And for the person next to them, you give em, oh, I don't know. Maybe an LED light board. But for the person with paralysis, you give them a fucking megaphone!! That's my problem!
Dick: Is that your perception of…
Maddox: (interjects) Yes!!!
Dick: …what society is?!
Maddox: That's what's happens!!!
Dick: Heart disease and cancer are on all day every day! You cannot watch TV without hearing about cancer or heart disease!
Maddox: Then how come more money was raised for ALS than heart disease and cancer?!
Dick: What, over…(stammers) of all time!? That's absolutely not true!
Maddox: For that…for that year.
Dick: For that year, ALS raised more money than CANCER research?
Maddox: More money than any ot…yeah. More money than any other…yes. Absolutely.
Dick: I would love to see the actual numbers on that. I thought they raised, like 20 million dollars. It's nothing.
Maddox: No. No. It…they raised a LOT of money.
Maddox: You have way more…
Dick: (interjects) Billions of dollars gets spent on cancer research.
Maddox: No…look, man. For the amount that I hear. That I heard about Christopher Reeve's Paralysis Foundation that affects 1% of Americans.
Maddox: 1%. For the amount that I heard about it.
Dick: 2. Up to?
Maddox: 1% to 2%. (annoyed)
Dick: To 2. Let's get it right.
Maddox: Look, man. You're giving these people megaphones when what they need is the notepad. We got it, man! Look, you got it. And also…the thesis of my argument wasn't that we should only care about…we shouldn't only care about celebrities. We shouldn't only care about diseases once a celebrity gets it. The…I think paralysis IS a problem.
Maddox: But Christopher Reeve. If he was…if he wasn't disingenuous about it, he would have cared about it before he got it. Look, man. I don't have heart disease, and thankfully, no one in my family does, that I know of. I think it's a huge problem. I've been talking about it on the show. Not because I have it, but because I know it affects a lot of people!
Sean: Yeah, you have "no heart" disease. (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: Go fuck yourself, Sean! I'm fucking tired of this shit!!! (Sean chuckles)
Dick: Hey, if you took that line…(Maddox cracks up) 100% of those people would suffer from Piss Driblets.
Maddox: No, Dick…
Dick: That's all I'm saying.
Maddox: Get outta here.
Dick: That's my problem.
Dick: That's my problem.
Maddox: So, I can't disagree that paralysis is a problem. I just don't think that…two things. It's not as big of a problem as some of the things that aren't getting attention that they need to. I mean, heart disease affects SO many people. It's the number one killer worldwide!
Dick: Which would you rather have?! Paralysis or heart disease?
Maddox: Neither one.
Dick: Which would you…you have to pick. You gotta pick one. Nobody gets through life scot-free.
Maddox: Well, if the heart disease leads to death, then paralysis. I'd rather be alive than dead.
Dick: See? It's a hard choice. Even thinking about it is a hard choice.
Maddox: Well yeah, but…
Dick: (interjects) You got all these stipulations. It's not easy as a numbers game that you're making it sound. That's all.
Maddox: Well, what about you? Which would you rather have? Paralysis or heart disease?
Dick: Pbbbbbbblgh. Oh, boy. Well, I already got the heart disease.
Maddox: Do you?
Dick: Oh…yeah. I mean, I'm half Mexican, like, I think it runs in the Mexican gene.
Maddox: No, but have you been…have you been diagnosed with anything?
Dick: No. You get diagnosed with something and you get it. That's what happens.
Maddox: What? What do you…(laughs)
Dick: It was a joke.
Maddox: Oh, okay. (grins)
Dick: No, no. I haven't been diagnosed with anything.
Maddox: Yeah, man. Um…
Dick: I mean, I have an out-of-control temper and I drink way too much and I'm half ethnic. Like, I mean, odds are. If I was gonna place a bet.
Dick: I would bet on a heart problem.
Maddox: Yeah, man. It's…it's tough. Paralysis is a big problem. It sucks. It's absolutely…it sucks. It's debilitating. But al…also. Are you talking about all paralysis, or are you talking about partial and full?
Dick: It's all bad.
Maddox: Well, I mean…
Dick: All a problem!!
Maddox: There's diff…there's varying degrees of uh…
Dick: Oh, I brought in the stats for the varying degrees.
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.
Dick: I'm going through my notes again.
Dick: Also provided by the Christopher Reeve Foundation, so I don't know. Maybe it's all just fabricated.
Maddox: Oh, and Dick, I just looked it up. I need to correct something. The 1 in 50 Americans translates to about 5.6 million people, not 1.9 as I initially said.
Dick: No, no, no. It's…it's…no, I got that one too. It's 5.6 suffer from some type of paralysis, and 1.25 have a spinal cord injury.
Dick: Those are the numbers. So you were right with the…the spinal cord injuries, what they found, was way more than they'd ever thought.
Dick: Both of them were way more, but you were right on the numbers. You just had the wrong thing.
Dick: Um…here is the…here's the…here's the amount that they're disabled. People who are paralyzed. 36% said they have a lot of difficulty in moving. 29% said they had some difficulty. 17% said a little difficulty. And 16% said Maddox can go fuck himself. That's weird. That must be a write-in. (Maddox laughs) Uh, 35% had a spinal cord injury…uh, 29%...said…oh, I think I stopped reading the stats, 'cause none of them were funny at that point. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Oh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. So I…look. I looked into this survey, okay?
Maddox: I'm gonna read you the survey question, and just completely honestly, answer me. If you think that this survey question can at all be misleading the way that people respond, 'kay?
Maddox: Researchers…this is from ABC News. "Researchers surveyed more than 33,000 US households using input from more than 30 experts in paralysis and statistics to develop the study and survey. It was led by Anthony Gaihale. Okay, here's the question. "Do you or does anyone in this household have any difficulty moving their arms or legs?"
Maddox: Dick. You don't think that that's a misleading…that could potentially lead to some misleading…
Dick: Well, in a vacuum, but…you think they just called and shot that into the phone?
Maddox: That's what they did.
Dick: It's not like, "Hey we're doing a survey on paralysis"?
Maddox: No, but that's…
Dick: (interjects) You think they gave 'em no context at all!?! Are you serious?!!
Maddox: Well, that's 19% of people…but, Dick, if you say you have trouble moving your arms or legs, okay…even in the context of paralysis, trouble moving your arms or legs, 19%. That's where these numbers are coming from.
Dick: I…you're saying that these questions are misleading by reading them off of a website on ABC with no context. Like, I'm…
Maddox: (interjects) The context is an article. It says 1 in 50 Americans live with paralysis. It's…it's making YOUR case, Dick. That 5.6 million, by the way, that's the number of people who live with some form of paralysis, the new survey shows.
Maddox: But then down the article, later on, they say "spinal cord injury, one cause of paralysis studied, is more common than thought with new survey findings that 1.275 million people in the United States are affected."
Dick: Yeah, we already said that.
Maddox: Okay. So it is…so spinal cord injury is a different category of paralysis than…
Dick: You can get paralyzed from cerebral palsy, you get disease…
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: You get a lot of stuff. You could just be so scared, you never move again. (Maddox laughs) That happens more than you think.
Maddox: So…so, 5.6 million in the United States, about. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Dick: Yeah. (grins) One out of 50.
Maddox: Slingshotting those jokes.
Dick: (laughs) That's my problem, alright?
Maddox: Yeah. Okay. Alright. I dunno.
Dick: I know you just hate it, but…I dunno why.
Maddox: It's just…you're giving them a megaphone when what they need is a notepad.
Sean: You think we should prioritize it by number of people affected.
Sean: By any given disease or issue.
Dick: Which we are.
Maddox: That's logical. We're not.
Dick: Which we totally are.
Dick: Cancer gets a TON of research and a ton of money, and a ton of exposure.
Maddox: Do you know how much, Dick?
Dick: Don't look it up. I don't want this to turn into the "looking up things on the fly" show.
Dick: But I…I would bet it's in the magnitude of hundreds of millions to a billion. The amount that's spent on cancer research in to-to.
Maddox: A billion? That's it?
Dick: Dollars overall.
Maddox: That's a drop in the bucket, buddy.
Dick: Well, what else…what else is getting spent on? You're talking about a scale…of research expenditure based on how bad the disease is.
Dick: What else…I mean, what else do you want? Obesity should get more?
Dick: W…how do you fix obesity?
Maddox: Heart disease.
Dick: Stop fucking eating!
Maddox: Yeah. Heart disease.
Dick: We got the solution for that.
Maddox: I dunno, man. I dunno.
Dick: Heart disease also has multiple causes. Is it…smoking? There…a lot of money was spent to stop smoking! You gonna count all the money? All the anti-smoking money that's ever gone in to stopping lung cancer? Huge amount!
Maddox: Yeah, maybe. I dunno. I dunno. I dunno, bro!
Dick: Yeah, alright.
Dick: Let's wrap it up.
Maddox: Yeah. Alright. My…
Dick: This show is caught in a mire of paralysis at this point. (Sean and Maddox chuckle)
Maddox: Alright, man.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: My problem this week is Stonewalling Vegans.
Dick: That's a good one.
Dick: I brought Paralysis and the Artificial Scarcity of Pretzel Buns.
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
(Voice mail: male voice: Hey guys, this is Zack from North Carolina. I was just listening to the beginning of episode 70 here, when you kept talking about the female orgasm. Alright, guys. I would like to LAY this to rest. Pun definitely intended. Now listen. I'm 25 years old. I'm not a great-looking guy. I'd say I'm a solid 6, used to be a 7 back in the day…"
Dick: Chef Boyardee. A step above Chef Boyardee.
"And I don't have a huge cock. I don't have huge muscles. But I have somehow managed to bed 100…about 150 plus women, alright?"
Maddox: Oookay. (skeptical) (Dick laughs)
"And I can tell you from experience…the reason women don't come as much is because guys don't know how to fucking have sex, alright? In Dick's situation, I would bet my whole life's savings that he is a jackhammerer."
"He thinks that going at it as hard and as fast as he can…"
Dick: Do I seem like a jackhammerer to you?
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick scoffs)
"Is the way to just bring a woman some crazy explosive orgasm that they can't hold back. And I'm here to tell you, motherfucker, that's not the way to do it, alright? You have to fuck slow. Do the opposite of porn, alright? Porn is made for angles that…(inaudible)…who don't know how to fuck in the first place."
Dick: Is there…Is there a 35-year-old man who doesn't know this?
"If you actually wanna make a girl cum, you don't have to be all gay about it and show tenderness or anything either. Just go a little slower, you know? Get in there. Get real deep. Find that secret spot. Swivel around. It's not about going in and out as fast as you can. (they both laugh) It's about getting in there. Hitting that spot. Rubbing it right. And I guarantee you, she will explode in pleasure and be all over you. Alright?"
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
"Oh, God. Do I have to tell you how to do everything, Dick? Fucking moron.")
(they both crack up)
Maddox: You know Dick, I…
Dick: That's one…that's one side, right?
Maddox: He makes a good point. I really like the…
Dick: Well, yeah! Of course. They were all entirely accurate!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: I just don't know who he's giving them to!
Maddox: You wanna hear a tip from yours truly?
Maddox: This is how…this is how…for real, this is how I..kinda learned.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Um, watch some porn of women masturbating. Solo masturbating. And there's this website…I think it's called…yeah. "I feel myself". http://www.ifeelmyself.com (Dick laughs) And it's just women who make their own masturbation videos.
Maddox: And watch how women get off. And look at what they're doing with their hands and their fingers. And then replicate that with your pelvis.
Maddox: That's what you do.
Dick: You know why those girls are getting off?
Dick: Because there's a camera pointed at them.
Dick: That's what they're getting off on.
Maddox: No. There's all sorts of homemade videos.
Dick: It's allll in their fucking head. That's what I'm telling you. (Maddox giggles) It's all in their head.
Maddox: So film it. Film it and get them off.
Dick: Uh…they're…yeah, okay. Anyway.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Dick: Here's the other piece of advice.
Dick: This guy's a little more practical, I think.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Do you wanna know how to conjure up the female orgasm, this is what you gotta do. (they both laugh) As you're eating her out, slide a finger up her butt while you got a finger in her vag…and boom. That shit will pop off like you don't even know, man!"
Dick: Like a bowling ball.
"You don't even KNOW! It's just there. She's crazy. She loves the buttplug. With the fingers." (they laugh)
Dick: Two experts.
Sean: Is this Jack Nicholson?
Maddox: Oh, man.
Dick: No, it was Matthew McConaughey's creepy brother. (Maddox laughs) Jerkoff McConaughey.
Maddox: That guy sounds like…that guy sounds like he can't even lift his jaw up off the floor. (Dick laughs) (goofy voice) When you're eatin' her out…
Dick: Next time, my amazing Trump-tastic interview on Fox News. Fox Affiliate News. Uh…and did you ever post the Smash Brothers fight?
Maddox: Ohhhhhh, yeah. I gotta do that. I'll do that this weekend, yeah.
Dick: Holllllly shit! Alright.
Maddox: Before I head back to Vegas…and if you're in Vegas, hit me up, guys! I'm gonna be there for the next three weeks!
Dick: Oh, I also have…
(file cuts off)