Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 70
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code "BIGGEST".
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Poly-Evangelists to Polynomials. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where we discuss every problem in the universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick.
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Welcome back! Episode 70.
Maddox: Yeaaaaah. We got a…we did a spicy one last episode. People liked our 69th episode. The erotic one.
Dick: They did!
Maddox: Yeah. It was a real…real sexy episode. I…it moved. It moved for me. (Sean laughs)
Dick: Oh, it moved?
Maddox: When I was listening back to that episode, it moved.
Dick: You got a little chubster?
Maddox: A little…uh, yeah.
Dick: What…what got you going more? Was it the erotic story from a real man, or was it my erotic Burning Man adventure?
Maddox: Oh my gosh. Definitely not that.
Dick: Involving the tip. (lewd)
Maddox: (laughing) Definitely not.
Dick: And just the tip.
Maddox: Ohhh, boy. Um, no.
Dick: What are the results?
Maddox: No. Neither of those. Dick, the results from last week were…
(Sound effect: drumroll)
Maddox: Poly-Evangelists! (Dick sighs)
Maddox: Number one. The number one problem from last episode was Poly-Evangelists, followed by No Quality Singles. I thought about the phrasing of that after…after the show. And then The Female Orgasm.
Dick: It was last?!!
Maddox: Dead last. Not only that, but it was downvoted, Dick. Not a problem at all.
Sean: Wait. Poly-Evangelists.
Maddox: Poly Evangelists.
Maddox: Was the number one problem.
Sean: From last week?
Dick: That's a surprise, right?
Dick: Do you remember that problem?
Dick: People who, like, promote their polyamorous lifestyle, Sean?
Sean: Yes! (suddenly remembers)
Dick: Yeah. Now you remember.
Sean: Now I do.
Dick: Apparently it's a big problem, though.
Dick: I got some comments regarding…
Sean: I think I had a stroke right there.
Dick: (scoffs) Yeah. Uh…I'm…I'm disappointed that the female orgasm got so low. Because it's so hard to conjure up.
Maddox: Well, for some people, Dick. Not for…not for others.
Dick: Okay. I know it's fun to pretend to be, like, a macho lothario.
Dick: But, like…(Sean laughs) First of all, I call bullshit on that.
Dick: You've never been sitting in bed with some broad with goo all over your stomach and you're like "Oh baby, sorry." (Maddox laughs) I can't. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you this time. I am legitimately sorry.
Maddox: Yeah. I told you that's happened. Two times to me, Dick.
Dick: Two!! Two times!?
Maddox: That's it. Two times.
Dick: Two times.
Maddox: Yeah. Other than those two times, they've been popping off like fireworks, buddy. Like a string of fireworks. Rapid fire. Multiple!! Multiples.
Dick: (laughing) Well, I should send all my sloppy seconds over here.
Dick: So they can get some satisfaction, then.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. There've only…actually, there've only been two women who could outlast me. (Dick laughs) Which…it was to the point…
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Maddox: It was to the point…
Dick: So that's a competition, then, for you.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Holding off the big O is a contest.
Maddox: Oh, it's great. You know, I can…I'd like to tell you this story. Uh…one time…so, real sexy night. Real sexy moment. It was…a girl I'd been dating for a while. (giggles) And, you know, we're getting to that point. It's…
Maddox: It's coming. Right? We're…
Dick: You mean the orgasm? Or the sex is coming?
Maddox: The orgasm. (laughing) The orgasm.
Dick: Okay, let's…we're stuck in a sand trap here. We're gonna have to navigate this sand trap. (Maddox laughs) I feel like I'm in the Garden Center at Home Depot and all the bags…during flood season. All the bags of sand are falling all over me. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Noooooo. (Dick cackles) There is a lot of sand in this story, buddy, but it's tremors. That's what we're talking about. (Dick laughs) Yeah. I'm the Tremor.
Maddox: So anyway. I pull out just in the nick of time, as I always do.
Dick: Best time to do it.
Maddox: Yeah. The nick of time is the best.
Maddox: And…uhh…it all goes. And lands directly and exactly into her belly button.
Maddox: And then…(laughs) I look at her, and she looks at me, and she throws her hands up, and we both go "GOAAAAAAAAAL!!!!" It was….(cracks up)
Dick: This is….this is a real thing that happened?!
Maddox: It's a real thing that happened, yeah. (grins)
Dick: You both…you both thought simultaneously "goal!"
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Like that fat Mexican soccer announcer.
Maddox: It was so much fun….it was so fucking funny, dude. We laughed…
Sean: (interjects) Were you dating a place kicker? (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Alright. That's bizarre. This comment comes from Conner Davis. Uh, "To all the dipshits out there that are voting down Female Orgasms as a problem, I know that it wasn't framed this way by Dick; however, if this is such a non-problem, then why do people complain about it all the time? Why is there such a huge glut of stories in all mediums involving the delicate dance involved in making a girl come? Men not being able to make women come is a staple to female comediennes, all the way talking about how taking a great dump is a staple to male comedians. It's beyond being a trope and that should indicate that this is a real problem, even if it needs to be rephrased." I think that's…I agree with this guy. I guess I got an upvote from him, but that's it.
Maddox: Yeeaaah. (hesitant)
Sean: And nobody ever fakes taking a dump.
Maddox: That's true, Sean.
Dick: (giggles) That's true, Sean. That's true.
Maddox: Actually…actually, a few times just to get out of a conversation or if I just wanted to check my Facebook. (Sean laughs) I've done that a few times. Actually, that's the polite way to do it, now. I've learned the new era of etiquette. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: So if you're at a dinner restaurant, you know, if you're at a restaurant for dinner, with friends.
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: The polite thing to do is excuse yourself and say "I need to use the restroom." Check your phone there. Don't do it at the table. That's what I've been doing a lot.
Dick: Oh, that's a good idea.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. It's a good idea. And…and then you don't look like a jerk, and also people feel a little bit of sympathy for you. They think, "Oh, he's got a urinary tract infection or something. He has to go to the bathroom a lot."
Dick: Yeah. That's true. Little bit Munchhausen's, little bit manners.
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs)
Dick: I like it.
Maddox: But the whole trope of women not being able to come, etc, etc, it's a stereotype. It's also like "men always want sex". And it's…that's another stereotype. This…it doesn't really exi…it's not a real thing. It's a caricature of genders.
Dick: No, it's a real thing.
Maddox: Yeah. (hesitant)
Dick: I brought in that study from Cosmo. The survey of women.
Maddox: Ohhh. Cosmo. (scoffs)
Dick: Of…hey. Hey. You know…who knows women more than Cosmo?
Maddox: I actually wrote…I actually wrote for Cosmo.
Dick: I retract everything I said. Go ahead. (Maddox laughs) What were you gonna say?
Maddox: I just think it's a caricature of genders. I don't think that it's…I think it's a stereotype more than anything. I've never…
Dick: Well I can tell you from personal experience that they're not coming! (laughs)
Maddox: Well, yeah, but…the variable…
Dick: It's not just a stereotype.
Maddox: The variable here is you, Dick.
Dick: Ohhh, that's what Dr. Phil said.
Maddox: Uh, I got a comment from Matthew Ward. He says, " You guys make fun of Angelo's Mom shitty talking ability, but I just Googled "malaka", and according to Urban Dictionary, it's one of the funniest insults I've ever heard." So I looked it up to be precise, and according to Urban Dictionary, a malaka is "Greek term for someone who has jerked off so many times that his brain has become soft, and he is now an idiot." (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Oh, man. That's how I feel every other day. (Maddox sighs) Every day that I'm not hung over, that's how I feel.
Maddox: Like a soft brained idiot?
Dick: Just squirted it all out. This one's from Benjamin Sloan. And I think he's got a good point here. "Maddox, I think most of the words you brought up actually do have a purpose, as they describe different ways of doing something. I'd like to compare this to the variety of words used in various subgenres of metal to describe different things. " Which I know you're a fan of.
Dick: Right? "To someone who doesn't listen to metal, the distinction between death metal, power metal, black metal, and folk metal is basically meaningless." He forgot speed metal. "And they wouldn't understand why one fan feels comfortable around folk metal and power metal, but does not even want to be associated with NSBM or death metal. (Maddox groans) But to a fan of folk and power metal, the former case is fun and rambunctious and the latter is just generally hateful."
Maddox: How does he know this if he doesn't listen to metal? This guy. I'm calling bullshit. This guy…fraud!
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Dick: What do you mean?
Sean: He didn't even mention math metal.
Maddox: That's right.
Dick: No, that's a good point, Sean.
Maddox: There's a lot..
Dick: He's just saying that they're just terms.
Maddox: No. Mmm.
Dick: They're terms to describe a hobby. Right?
Maddox: N…I mean, yeah, but…(stammers) look. They have…they have unnecessary terms. Like, in metal, generally, if you say you listen to metal, people get the idea. Right? But…in the poly evangelist realm…
Maddox: In the…they have terms for things that you don't need, like a dyad? We don't need that. That's just a normal relationship. That's…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but they're…
Maddox: (interjects) And it's called normal because most people do it.
Dick: It's shorter than saying "we're in a normal relationship, but we're looking to expand."
Dick: "We're looking to franchise out." That's what they're saying.
Maddox: No…you…but you don't need to do that, because…unless you mention specifically that you're into poly sex or into the polynomial lifestyle…(laughs) polynomial lifestyle.
Dick: Yeah. Disgusting.
Maddox: That's what I'm gonna start calling them.
Maddox: Not poly…yeah. Not poly…what are they called? Polyamorous.
Maddox: The polyamorous lifestyle. If you're into that lifestyle, we know! We'll hear about it within a few minutes.
Maddox: But if you're not, it's safe to assume that you're not. Most people aren't. Um…and by the way…by the way, I should also mention that…last episode…(giggles) Erin and I, we met at that Tinder show that we talked about. And…
Dick: Some kind of weird polyamory event. Right?
Maddox: It wasn't…it wasn't a polyamory event. It was just a show. But…but the guy who was hosting it was the poly evangelist.
Maddox: And he commented…he commented on the post for the last episode and he was like "Hey guys, I'm the poly evangelist they're all talking about." (laughs) And then he linked to the website, which I thought was hilarious.
Maddox: But…so if you guys are interested…if you guys are interested in the poly lifestyle, uh…check it out. Read the glossary. (giggles) Maybe you guys will get off on it. I don't know. And I don't have a problem with it. It's just all the terms. Too much.
Dick: Okay. (exhausted) I got one from Michael Stevens. "Hey Dick, I agree with you, (this looks like) 10,000% that polyamory is bullshit. A few years ago, I was in the third year of a relationship when my girlfriend decided to have a talk and tell me that she had been reading a lot about polyamory and felt like she might be polyamorous." Oh, boy. "So basically, she had read online that a lot of people out there have accepted that they are fucking cheaters and found a way to con their boyfriend or girlfriend into letting them do it." Isn't that what I was saying?
Maddox: No- yeah. That's what you were saying.
Dick: Introducing it into a relationship is a fucking con.
Maddox: No, it's not. It's honesty.
Dick: But Erin was agreeing with me, too, that you can't introduce it into a relationship. She said that. She said that during the episode.
Maddox: Well, yeah. It's not…I agree with that. It's not…that's not how to successfully engage that. Like, if you start out in a relationship and you have those pretenses built in where, "Hey lady, or hey guy…"
Maddox: "this is who I am and this is what I'm all about."
Maddox: Then that expectation is there. But if you try to do that bait and switch near the end of a relationship? Actually, like I did. Like, near the end of one of my relationships. It doesn't work.
Dick: You…I'm sorry. You tried to do that?
Maddox: Yeah. We talked about it. I talked about having an open relationship one time with a girl I was dating for a long time, and it just didn't work. We just thought, at the end of the day, what are we hanging onto? We both like each other as friends. Let's just call it a clean cut.
Maddox: A clean quit. And then let's go our separate ways. And that's what…that's what happened.
Dick: Okay. So you agree with that, too, then. You can't introduce it.
Maddox: It's hard to introduce. But it's not…it's not cheating.
Dick: (interjects) Hard…hard is different.
Maddox: Well, no, because I know couples where they have introduced it, and they became swingers, and they became, you know, these different types of…
Dick: Oh, boy.
Maddox: Yeah. But it's possible. And also, it's way better than the alternative, which is cheating.
Maddox: Cheating is chickenshit.
Dick: Says you. This guy says, "And it's genius because if you're against it, then you're 'not understanding' and it's somehow…you look like the asshole in the situation, exactly as you described. I told her I thought it was bullshit. She was mad, but agreed to just go on the way things were. Two months later, I found out she was cheating on me." Well.
Maddox: Oh, wow.
Maddox: Yeah, that is a bummer.
Dick: Watch out for it! Big fucking red flag, according to me.
Maddox: No. I think it's way better to have that conversation than to cheat and betray someone's trust.
Dick: I got some voicemails. You got any more comments?
Maddox: No, that's it.
Dick: I got some voicemails for you.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, I've been listening to the show for a while and I just caught up on some recent episodes, and I heard the episode with Robin Higgins and Erin Tillman, and those are both some of the best ones you've ever done. So I want to make a plea for you guys to have more female guests on the show."
"I think it helps the show, and I'm gonna tell you why using Sigmund Freud's structural model of the psyche."
"Uhhh….Dick is clearly the id."
"Maddox is clearly an ego who thinks that he's the superego. But nevermind."
Maddox: How dare you?!
"So when you have a female guest, the female guest naturally occupies the superego perspective of the debate."
Dick: I don't know if this is…
Maddox: Fuck you!
"And when you have a male guest, not so much. So that's…that's why I think you should have more."
"You gotta get the superego perspective in there.")
Dick: Is that true? Do you know anything about those things he was talking about?
Maddox: I…you know, I understand basically what he was saying. But, yeah. I agree. (Dick guffaws)
Dick: You understood the basics?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I get it.
Maddox: You know. I had college psychology.
Maddox: But uh…yeah. Robin and Erin were both great guests. Leah was, I think, the other female guest that we had on the show.
Maddox: Uh…we have a bunch more lined up, guys. You'll just have to stay tuned and listen.
Dick: I do like it when girls run the show.
Dick: It feels different.
(Voice mail: male voice: "If you're using a dental dam, just put a shotgun in your mouth, 'cause your life is over and meaningless. " (Maddox and Dick laugh))
Dick: That's absolutely true. Erin recommended a dental dam, right?
Maddox: What was that for, again? To go down on someone?
Dick: To go down on her for three hours to make her come.
Maddox: I think she was joking.
Dick: Something like that.
Maddox: She must have been joking.
Dick: Some people must use them!
Maddox: Oh. No one uses a dental dam!
Dick: You think…you think a professional dating advice coach jokes about something that's that serious?! (Maddox laughs) I don't know. I'd have to check her credentials, but I don't think she should be joking about that.
Maddox: Yeah, that sounds pretty ridiculous.
Dick: A medical professional.
Maddox: I mean, I just pictured…I just pictured a vagina poking through a dental dam and I just…in my mind, it looks like Homer Simpson's mouth. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Dick: That is what it looks like. Like, what are you doing at that point?
Maddox: I dunno, man.
Dick: Just stop. Stop. You're not enjoying…you're not doing this right.
Maddox: Although, I guess if you're into the black latex fetish, which is also on the glossary, no joke, it's a black latex party, or it's called a black orgy.
Maddox: Where you're into a black latex fetish, uh…that's what you would do. You would wear the latex and then you could either cut a hole down below and your genitals would poke out like Homer Simpson's lips.
Dick: Hmm. (Maddox cracks up) Sounds pretty hot. Alright, last one.
(Voice mail: male voice: "I'm still laughing at that fucking story that the guy wrote in about losing his virginity. It was fucking awful. (giggles) I almost wonder if it's made up, but I don't know."
Dick: I don't think it's made up.
Maddox: Yeah…it's a story, all right.
"You guys should definitely fucking follow up and try to find that guy, get a little more information.")
Dick: I don't think he'll be hard to find.
Dick: You don't wanna see if he got seconds?!
Maddox: I don't…first of all…
Dick: (interjects) James?!
Maddox: Well, I don't think you can ambush him, because he needs some time to think up a new story.
Dick: No, I think that was a real story.
Dick: You don't think that was a real…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, it was real "story"….
Dick: (interjects) You don't think that really happened to him!?!
Maddox: No. No. No. Okay? And here's the tell!
Dick: Maddox! There was no…(upset) Like, he was…that was not a story of wild success. That was a very normal story.
Maddox: No, it wasn't.
Dick: An erotic adventure from a real man.
Maddox: Nope. And I'll tell you why. Because…and somebody in the comments pointed this out, but…the detail that we all kinda glossed over is…20 minutes of sensuous lovemaking later…20 minutes and this guy's a virgin? Fuck off!! Get outta here!!
Dick: How long did you last on your first time!?
Maddox: First time…I think around 10 minutes.
Dick: Oh, so that's not that far off! So he rounded up a little bit!
Maddox: It's double. (laughs) It's more than double.
Dick: Oh, please. He rounded up a little bit!!!
Maddox: Oh, get outta here!!! 20 minutes. And the E-cup. And the Chinese lady, and everything. And someone in the comments also commented that they did a Google Image search for E-cup.
Maddox: And a few of the results were Asian, so he said it's plausible.
Dick: Of course it's plausible.
Maddox: No, I don't think so. First of all, the guy was racist. He sounds like a real catch.
Dick: Come on, racist!
Maddox: Yeah. Someone in the comments..
Dick: (interjects) He's making…he's making racially-charged jokes.
Dick: That's not racist.
Maddox: Well, okay. He's prejudiced.
Dick: Oh, he's prejudiced! Please!! He's making racially-charged jokes. That's…that's okay.
Dick: He can do that. I got Persian racing rims. It's just a joke!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (skeptical) I dunno, man.
Dick: Not racist and prejudiced.
Sean: Well, but he didn't prejudge. She told him that her dad ate the damn dog.
Maddox: That's not the racist part.
Dick: He should have said, "You racist!"
Maddox: No. (they all laugh) That's not the racist part.
Dick: What's the racist part?
Maddox: The racist part was when he said, "That was the most Asian thing I've ever heard."
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. That one. Anyway.
Dick: I just…I don't think that's RACIST, really.
Maddox: You don't think it's racist to stereotype an entire race of people? That's, like, literally racism?
Dick: Acknowledging a stereotype.
Dick: He's just saying…it's not being racist to say that.
Maddox: Well…it's a d…I commented as a response to somebody. I said, "It's the difference between saying "Her black dad ate chicken", and then saying "Her black dad ate chicken, which is the most black thing I've ever heard."" (scoffs) That's a huge chasm of difference. Do you understand?
Dick: I mean, if that's the most black thing you've ever heard, then…
Maddox: Then you're an idiot.
Dick: Yeah. Then you need to go…you need to broaden your horizons a little bit.
Maddox: And you're racist. But that guy…that guy did sound like…at the very least, an idiot. Racist, maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. We don't have enough evidence.
Dick: Racist. (scoffs) So hypersensitive to racism.
Maddox: It was definitely…no. It was definitely a stereotype. It was a prejudiced stereotype, I think. 'Cause there's lots of different cultures that eat cats and dogs. And by the way, that's not very common.
Maddox: Sw…Switzerland, for example.
Dick: Switzerland eats cats and dogs?
Sean: I am looking this up!
Dick: Look that up.
Maddox: Go ahead, look it up. Look it up right now.
Sean: But there are multiple Asian cultures that do eat dog.
Maddox: Yeah. But it's not very common. It's usually in the countrysides, like, in the countrysides of China sometimes it happens.
Dick: The country of China? It happens?
Maddox: No, the countrySIDES of China. In, like, rural areas.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Where they don't have high-speed internet, or even internet.
Dick: That's, like, billions of people though, right?
Maddox: No, it's…(giggles) it's not billions of people, Dick.
Dick: What are we talking? 20?
Maddox: Uh..worldwide…I actually looked up the statistic.
Dick: Gimme a magnitude.
Maddox: No, I looked up the statistic. Worldwide, all cultures consume, they estimate, around 25 million dogs worldwife.
Sean: France eats a lot of horse.
Dick: Racist! Racist, Sean!
Maddox: So does Canada. Um…yeah. But…you know. The difference here is that chasm of thinking where it's like, "Oh that's the most French thing I've ever heard." You know.
Dick: Uh, I don't know. I think it's funny.
Dick: I think everybody's gotta relax about racism, though.
Dick: You wanna go? You wanted to get into some problems?
Maddox: Let's get into the problems, Dick, 'cause I got a spicy one.
Dick: Or do we want to share…do we want to share this art piece?
Maddox: Oh, right, yeah. Before we go on, Dick. Thanks for reminding me. We have here…a fan sent this in as a gift. And it's bittersweet, because it's something of my favorite movie.
Maddox: Mad Max.
Dick: Oh yeah, yeah.
Maddox: I wrote that review. The best review of Mad Max in the universe.
Maddox: I have it 100/5 stars. I loved that movie.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: He sent me the soundtrack to Mad Max. The soundtrack. And it has the coolest fucking cover.
Maddox: It has Immortan Joe on the cover. His face is all red.
Dick: Oh, that's badass.
Maddox: And he has his teeth on. Yeah, it's really fucking cool. I wanna hang this up. Oh man, I want a giant blowup of this.
Dick: Except…what's wrong with it?
Maddox: Except it's on vinyl.
Dick: Ohhhhhhhhohohohoh. (Sean laughs)
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: Yeah. It's on vinyl, which is really disappointing. Um, here's…there's a note on here. He has a quote.
Dick: What's his name, first of all?
Maddox: Oh, the guy who sent it, his name is Ben Clark.
Dick: Ben Clark.
Maddox: He says…
Dick: (interjects) Genius.
Maddox: He says, "This meta hipster conundrum will definitely be reviewed as a problem. Keep kicking ass, guys, big fan of the show." And then he has a quote on here from, I think the guy's name is Villy Vallo. Does that sound familiar? Villy Vallo?
Dick: Villy Vallo? No.
Maddox: He has a quote about vinyl. He says, "Vinyl is symbolically and physically everlasting. Vinyl is a marriage and an MP3 is a quick fuck in the night."
Maddox: "You don't feel like you're at a candlelit dinner when you listen to a digital format, but with vinyl, you want to open a bottle of red wine and get in the mood. They both serve purposes. They're both beautiful. For the people who really get into what you're doing, the art work, the symbolism, the lifestyle…that's what vinyl is all about. It's fine dining and fast food. They both serve a purpose." Villy Vallo.
Dick: No. He's done…Ben Clark?
Dick: Is that his name? He's done something very smart here, because I want you to look…what impressed you most about this when you got it?
Maddox: The cover.
Dick: The cover.
Dick: And it looks fuckin' awesome.
Maddox: It does look cool.
Dick: And it's a foot…it's one foot by one foot.
Dick: It's gigantic. It's in your face. It's slightly larger than your face. Buddy, you could never do this with an MP3.
Dick: Okay?! This is an experience. You wanna…you wanna dig in here.
Maddox: Well, I…
Dick: You wanna be Immortan Joe. I know that.
Maddox: I will agree…(giggles) I will agree, Dick, that an MP3 is not a poster. And can never be a poster.
Maddox: But, uh…I think that if it came down to it? I could just replace this with a poster that costs way less.
Dick: A poster?!
Maddox: A poster.
Dick: Then you gotta hang it on your wall, though.
Maddox: I don't have to do anything with it! I can throw it away if I want! But it's a poster.
Dick: Alright. (annoyed)
Maddox: And it cost just a couple bucks!
Maddox: Sean. Sean knows. Giggly over there. (laughs)
Dick: He totally disagrees with you. I know he does.
Maddox: You disagree, Sean!?
Dick: I know he does.
Sean: I'm just…I'm just laughing that you have such a strong opinion about it.
Dick: You can flip-flop. It's okay! You're not running for President!
Maddox: No. I'm not…I don't have a…look. This vinyl gift was very nice.
Maddox: I appreciate it. I'll never listen to it, 'cause I don't even…
Maddox: I don't own a vinyl thing!! What is it, a record player!?
Dick: That's what they're called. (grins) Yeah.
Maddox: I don't…(laughs)
Maddox: I don't own a phonograph, 'cause I'm in the 21st century.
Dick: You can scan it, and use a computer software to make an MP3 out of it. Does that excite you?
Maddox: Or I can just go to…I can go to YouTube and listen to the whole fucking thing. And not even be able to tell the difference.
Dick: Alright. (annoyed) Alright.
Maddox: I can even add the little crackly hiss noise if I want to. (grins) And…and it has more dynamic range on YouTube.
Dick: Okay. Ben, you did it. Great idea… (Maddox chuckles)…but sorry. You were…Maddox is unstumpable.
Dick: You wanna go first?
Maddox: Yeah. Sure.
Dick: Or you want me to go first?
Maddox: I got a problem for you.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories!!
Maddox: Yeaaaaaaah!! (laughs)
(Sound effect: Applause)
Dick: That's the one you're going with?
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: (cackles) Yeah. Ham-Fisted…
Dick: (interjects) Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories? (skeptical)
Maddox: Video Game Stories. As you may or may not know, I just released another video.
Maddox: And it's about video game stories. And…(giggles) and I have caused an OUTRAGE on the Internet! All these nerds…these video game nerds have started jumping down my throat. It has…as of this recording, it has about 50% downvotes on YouTube.
Maddox: Which…which I think has been my most controversial thing. And I remember…
Dick: (interjects) Is that more downvotes than our live episodes?
Dick: Oh, wow. (giggles)
Dick: That's sayin' something. (grins) (Sean chuckles)
Maddox: Well I remember for years…when I went on my first book tour, people would always ask me…it was their favorite question to ask at events.
Maddox: They said, "What's been the most controversial article you've ever written?" And to date, up until then, it was an article I wrote about the Xbox. The original Xbox and how much I hated it and how big the controllers were, and how it was a garbage system.
Maddox: I got more hate mail about that than ANYTHING else! And then…and then when Christopher Reeve died, that was a big bump, because…(giggles) my article…my website was, uh…the number two search result for Christopher Reeve on Google.
Dick: Oh, yeah?
Maddox: I got contacted by their lawyer. But other than those…than those two things…
Dick: (interjects) You got contacted by Christopher Reeve's lawyer?
Maddox: Oh yeah.
Dick: For what?
Maddox: Oh, well, uh…this is a good story. He wan…he contacted me and he said, "Hey, we want you to remove this article."
Dick: What was the article?
Maddox: It was…(giggles) I wrote an article a long time ago saying Christopher Reeve is an asshole.
Dick: Okay. (scoffs)
Maddox: And it…(giggles) it showed a picture of a horse kicking him off, Mortal Kombat style, and it says "Fatality".
Dick: Jesus Christ. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Um…
Dick: What possessed you to make such a horrible thing?
Maddox: It wasn't horrible. Because I…
Dick: (interjects) It's definitely horrible.
Maddox: No. no. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why I thought he was an asshole, is because the thesis of the article is this. Christopher Reeve started caring about paralysis only after he became paralyzed.
Maddox: Uh, and then he started going on these, like, big preachy, weepy things, and talking about how he's…he's, like, this hero…for paralysis.
Sean: (interjects) Every celebrity does that.
Dick: Every person does that.
Maddox: Well, exactly, Sean. Right. So, so. Let me get to this point. He said…he said that…excuse me. The thesis of the article was that we shouldn't wait until a celebrity gets an ailment before we start caring about it.
Maddox: Just like Michael J. Fox and what does he have? Parkinson's?
Maddox: Yeah. Parkinson's with Michael J. Fox and paralysis with Christopher Reeve.
Maddox: Christoper Reeve not only…has given so much attention to the paralysis community, he's actually…he took some away from other things that are…that are affecting people, like cancer and heart disease, and all these other things.
Maddox: He gave so much attention to paralysis. And I looked it up at the time. It was only, like, 250,000 people in the world who had any kind of paralysis. It was, like, really low. It was a really low figure.
Maddox: Any kind of either partial or full paralysis.
Maddox: Um, anyway. So that's the thesis of my argument. Agree with it or don't. It's a controversial stance.
Dick: I definitely don't agree with that.
Maddox: You don't…you don't think….you think that we should only care about diseases and ailments once a celebrity gets it?
Dick: No. I think that getting people to care about something and donate something to it, whether it's their time or their money, is a good thing. Because the default setting for people is to only consume. So if you have a story that can evoke some sympathy and get some dollars rolling in, then I think that's a good thing. I don't look at charity as, like, a set, finite amount of a pie. That people are…that scientists are clawing at for research dollars. There's an ebb and flow to it. So when something…like when Parkinson's happens, it's Michael J. Fox. It's good that there's a boon of research and donations for Parkinson's. When something like this happens to Christopher Reeve, it's good that it happens! Because I think the um…the solutions that come out of it have a larger impact than just him.
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: Sorry, Dick!
Maddox: You are incorrect! Because there's actually a phenomenon called "charity exhaustion".
Dick: (interjects) Yeah..
Maddox: (interjects) And I'm not sure if exhaustion is the word, but they did find that people…after donating to the Haiti earthquake.
Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Maddox: Um, there was another disaster that happened that people needed. And they find that after a big disaster, people become less willing to donate to other disasters, even if they're…even if they're more urgent, even if they're bigger. So, the louder the speaker that you have for your cause, it can hurt other causes that are…that may need the charity more urgently. Like…
Dick: (interjects) Well, that's too bad.
Maddox: No, it's not…
Dick: (interjects) It's gonna happen.
Maddox: Yeah..yeah…(stammers) but saying that is dismissive. You're not addressing the problem.
Dick: Because you're…the way you're describing the problem is not…real.
Maddox: No, it's totally real!
Dick: It's like, of course there was a thing…charity exhaustion. Charity exhaustion, and if a lot of horrible events happen in a row, people are gonna get tired of giving, but…
Dick: That's not always the norm.
Maddox: That is the norm. That's literally what the study said. When there is a huge event…like, for example, the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge.
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Raised a lot of money for that charity.
Maddox: Great. And, uh…it raised a lot of awareness for this disease, but it affects relatively few people. If we had that kind of…that engine working towards something that really affects people on a larger scale, like heart disease, or cancer…
Maddox: Or, you know, some of these other heinous diseases that we're all suffering from…uh, I think that would be much better use of that time. But also…also, Dick, you're glossing the argument that I'm making here, is…should we only care about diseases once a celebrity gets it? That's the thesis, right? So, I wrote this article and the lawyer contacted me, and he said that he wants me to take it down.
Dick: Uh-huh. (giggles)
Maddox: Uh, oh, because after…(giggles)
Dick: (interjects) Sorry. This thesis was presented to the public as Christopher Reeve getting Mortal Kombat kicked by a horse. Right?
Maddox: No, no. That's a tongue-in-cheek image I threw on there just for fun.
Dick: Yeah, okay. (grins)
Maddox: Like, whatever. You know.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Uh, so people sent me all this hate mail right when he died, and they said, "Hey man, it's really inappropriate that you have this article up, because he just died." And I thought, "Well, it was up before he died. Was it inappropriate then?" Uh…why is it inappropriate now that he's died?
Maddox: So then I thought about it and I thought, "You know what? Maybe these people have a point. It is inappropriate." So I changed the title of the article from "Christopher Reeve is an asshole" to "Christopher Reeve Was an Asshole".
Dick: Oh, good. (sarcasm) (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Maddox: And then I doubled down. I got so much hate mail.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: So this lawyer says, "Hey man, remove the website." And I wrote back to him and I said, "Look, all over the Internet…" I sent him a bunch of links to people debating the merits of my article.
Maddox: Some people were agreeing with me, some people were disagreeing with me. They had a debate very similar to the one we just had. And I said, "Regardless of whether or not you agree with my article, it's spurring an important debate in this country…(Dick scoffs) about disease and whether or not we should pay attention to it only if celebrities give attention to it."
Maddox: I think it's an important message, and by taking it down, you would be quelling my free speech and my expression. And he wrote back…and…(stammers) he wrote back and he said, "Maddox, we disagree with your methods but we agree with your mission and your message."
Maddox: Uh…so, as a good guy, I volunteered to do this. I said, "If anyone comes to that website from Google, I'll redirect the page to a landing page that says, "If you're looking for the Christopher Reeve Foundation, you've come to the wrong place. Go here. Otherwise, proceed at your own caution." So…
Dick: Generous of you.
Maddox: Yeah. I didn't have to, but I offered. And they said they were fine with that.
Maddox: They backed down.
Dick: So your biggest problem in the universe is now…Ham-Fisted Video Game stories?
Maddox: (laughs) Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories.
Dick: Uh-huh. The second most controversial piece of…(Maddox sighs) What was…what is this think piece about?
Maddox: The Xbox. The X…so, this one was about stories in video games and how much I hate them. I hate stories in video games most of the time.
Dick: Do you…do you hear a lot of stories about video games?
Maddox: No, no. Stories IN video games.
Dick: Oh, IN video games.
Maddox: So you have a game. You're playing.
Maddox: Like, for example, Dick, what if you're watching your football. Your…your precious football game.
Maddox: And during the football game, all of a sudden, some announcer comes in and starts telling you a narrative…
Dick: Yeah, they're great. That's…
Maddox: No, no, no, no.
Dick: That's what Vin Scully does.
Maddox: No. It's not…it's not about…you're learning about, you know. A distant village somewhere.
Maddox: And…and they need some help because some dragon's attacking them. And there's nothing you can really do.
Dick: This is happening in a football game?!
Maddox: Yeah. How would you like that?
Dick: Well…I don't know about the dragons. I'd be kinda weirded out.
Dick: I would think I was too drunk and that it wasn't happening.
Sean: Well, you're saying it takes you out of the action.
Maddox: It takes you out of the action, Sean.
Sean: The cool part about a video game.
Maddox: There's a Call of Duty game…uh…
Dick: (interjects) I know what you're trying to say, but football announcers was a bad idea, because I would like if they did that more. That they gave some context to the game.
Maddox: Yeah, but football announcers are commenting on the game as it's going on.
Dick: And it's horrible when they do that. Like, they're just saying what I see. Like, that's a bad announcer to me. Guffawing at themselves, like, "Oh, what a pass!" "Oh, he might have dropped that pass, but he didn't!"
Maddox: Yeah, but Dick, there are good announcers and bad announcers. A good announcer…
Dick: Of course.
Maddox: And by the way, they do that not for the benefit of the viewer who's watching TV, but for the benefit of the radio listener.
Dick: False, they have different radio announcers. Go ahead.
Maddox: Well, sometimes. NBC has their own broadcast, too. NBC broadcasts on the radio as well.
Dick: What's the…what's the story?
Maddox: So the story…the story element in a video game. When it's done right is like a game like Portal 2. Have you ever played Portal 2?
Dick: I love that game.
Maddox: Portal 2 is a great game.
Maddox: They tell the story during the gameplay.
Maddox: And it's fluid. It's continuous. It doesn't stop the action. You don't have to sit there and watch some fucking cut scene. But when it doesn't work is in Call of Duty. Call of Duty, I think Advanced Warfare is the game. It has this ridiculous scene, where right after the first, like, 5, 10 minutes of the game…
Maddox: Your main character dies, or one of the main characters dies, and you're at a funeral. And you're stuck in this funeral scene…this procession, whatever, and there's a coffin.
Maddox: And you're just walking around looking at people's faces.
Maddox: You can't do anything. And before you leave the area, you have to go up to the casket and then you have to press "F" to pay your respects.
Maddox: You literally have to press the "F" key.
Dick: Press "X" to never forget. (Maddox and Sean crack up) Got it.
Maddox: So what they've done, is they've come full circle. Now, they're hamfisting gameplay into a fucking story!!
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: I don't need this! I don't feel anything by pressing a button to pay respects! That's so fucking robotic! I don't feel sympathy. I don't feel empathy! I don't feel mourning. I don't feel anything for this character! I just feel annoyed that now I have to get up off the couch and press a button on my keyboard, 'cause I sat down for another 10 minutes for however long this fucking cut scene is, 'cause it never fucking ends with these cut scenes. So I have to get up and I have to press a key now, to continue this bullshit ass story that I don't want to watch in the first place?! It's absurd!!!!
Dick: Well, they're not games anymore. I don't think anybody makes games anymore at that level. They just make shitty movies with shitty stories that are shittily voice acted with shittier graphics that you just press buttons through.
Maddox: Yeah, that's a…
Dick: (interjects) There's no sense of peril or accomplishment.
Maddox: Right, that's…
Dick: (interjects) Like, I think…I don't know if that's why I got out of playing video games or if I just got too old for it.
Maddox: Well, so you don't play games now, right?
Dick: Not really?
Maddox: Why not? Like, what…are you just…
Dick: I got life to live, man, like if I'm blowing time in a video game, I'd rather be writing something, or talking to broads, or playing an inst…playing a guitar or something. I'd rather be doing…spending time with my nephew. I would rather be doing literally anything else than playing a fucking video game at this point in my life.
Maddox: Okay. (scoffs) Alright. Not a game player.
Dick: No, what are you…why are you laughing at that?
Maddox: No, that's fair. Just…
Dick: (interjects) Like, I don't feel anything from it. I don't feel any kind of reward anymore.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, that's fair. Video games aren't for everyone. Um…and that's also a mistake. Video games are awesome. (Dick laughs) Video games are awesome.
Dick: Video games are awesome. (skeptical)
Maddox: Yeah. They're really cool.
Maddox: They're a lot of fun, Dick. But…you know, that's fair. So the story element doesn't really factor into it. I think it factors into it for me, because there's certain games I won't play anymore. I have this new rule where if it takes more than 10 minutes for me…from the time I turn on the power button to start having a meaningful gameplay experience in the game…
Maddox: I turn it off. Uninstall it. And do something else.
Maddox: That's my fucking rule. In fact, I'm gonna start a website where I'm going to start recording…I'm gonna have submissions available…
Dick: That's a fucking great idea.
Dick: What you're about to say.
Maddox: It's going to be the Power to Start time.
Maddox: Right? So I want people to record the amount of time it takes from the time they hit the power button to when they can actually start the game. And the worst experience I've ever had to date is SSX Tricky, I think. It's a snowboarding game on Playstation 3.
Dick: They put a story in a snowboarding game?
Maddox: No, it wasn't even a story. It's just the start time takes so…actually, yeah. There is a story! (laughs) There's a story mode in this fucking game!
Dick: (groans) Great.
Maddox: You have characters.
Maddox: I don't give a shit about my virtual snowbowarder!!! (Dick laughs) I don't care!! There's nothing going on in this fucking snowboarding game I could give a shit about! I don't give a fuck about anything happening in this game! I just want to press a button and do a twirl!!!
Maddox: That's what I wanna do.
Maddox: Lemme do backflips. Lemme go down a hill. That's all I care about! So this game is by EA. And in order to sign up for…in order to start the game, you have to download an update. I think it was 8 gigs. You had to download a huge update.
Dick: That's a big update.
Maddox: You have to agree to three different Terms of Service agreements.
Dick: Well, you know. Lot of likenesses in this game. (Maddox laughs) Lot of fun! Lot of different tricks.
Dick: You gotta agree to. (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, sure! You have to sign up. You have to provide your email address to sign into EA Origins. Otherwise, you can't even get access to all the content in the game!
Dick: Yeah. (giggles)
Maddox: All said, from start to finish, from Power to Start, no joke, one hour and 20 minutes.
Dick: From Power to Game.
Maddox: Uh-huh. From Power to Game. One hour and TWENTY MINUTES! I timed it! I looked at the screen. I have screenshots. I have pictures. I'm like, this is absurd! I've never had a…imagine if you were gonna watch a movie. You invite your girlfriend over. You invite a broad over, as you would say, Dick.
Maddox: And you were gonna watch a movie. "Hey baby, come over. Let's watch some Netflix." It'll take an hour and 20 minutes to warm up, but, boy, we're gonna have some fun once it loads.
Dick: Oh, that's a mood killer. Well, that's what Disney movies are. They're just like 12 minutes of commercials before the actual movie starts.
Maddox: Oh yeah, they're awful.
Maddox: They're absolutely terrible.
Dick: I think…I think what you're proposing is brilliant, because the ratings that they use for video games anymore don't even matter. Like, they're all fake. They're all horseshit.
Maddox: The ratings?
Dick: Yeah, like, "Oh, this is a 9.9!!" "This is a 9.8." It's like yeah, cause this was the game they were hyping. Like you…the journalists for those games are all whores, they just want free ga…I think.
Dick: I don't think there's a single genuine review in the whole lot!
Dick: 'Cause I play those games and they're dogshit! (Maddox laughs) And I know what is a good video game. (Maddox giggles) But this, what you're talking about, is an actual metric that they can't lie about.
Dick: I see that…I see an hour and 20 minutes, and I say, "I gotta spend an hour and 20 minutes of my life watching something that, like, some dogshit comedian wrote for $150? I don't think so."
Dick: I'm out.
Maddox: Yeah. I have a friend who wrote this script for a video game. It's a very popular game. I won't say which one, 'cause I don't want to, you know, give him up, or whatever. (Sean coughs) But he said…he wrote the…it was a sandbox-style game like Grand Theft Auto.
Maddox: And he said that it was the most work he'd ever done in his life for such little pay.
Dick: And they're all bad.
Dick: (interjects) Is there good…besides Portal 2, is there any good writing in video games?
Maddox: Well, sure.
Dick: I don't think so.
Maddox: No, sure there is. There is actually…there's some really good, spot-on writing, and stories in video games, and they're usually called role playing games. I don't know why every single game has hamfisted this element from roleplaying games into every other game. Even…even the game Tetris, Dick! Do you know…do you know they added a story to Tetris!?
Dick: What's the story?!
Maddox: It's Tetris World. It's on Playstation 2, I believe. I have this game. It's one of the worst games I've ever played.
Maddox: Here, listen to this. This is…actually from the game's intro where they're setting up the story. Listen to this.
Dick: I love how much prep work you have for this fucking problem. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) I'm furious. Listen to this.
(Clip starts: Drumroll…"Hello, citizens."
Dick: Oh, God! (Maddox giggles)
"We are facing the ultimate crisis!"
"Of the 50 billion stars in our galaxy…"
Dick: Oh, my God.
"Less than 1 million have planets that could support life as we know it."
"We must find a new home.")
Maddox: (laughs) They have to evacuate their planet, 'cause their sun's about to get destroyed. And the way they have to do it is to…
Dick: Play Tetris?
Maddox: Yeah. Play Tetris, basically.
Dick: Somebody wrote that.
Dick: Somebody got paid to write that.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: That's embarrassing. (grins)
Maddox: Hopefully not much. Hopefully less than minimum wage.
Maddox: Fuck that. Then I got all these angry comments, Dick. They're just piling in.
Dick: This is your latest video?
Dick: This is what happened?
Maddox: This guy, uh, commented on my Facebook page. His name is Kevin Mann. He says, "Maddox just had ADHD or is autistic…" (Dick and Sean laugh) "…which is why…" (Maddox trails off and Dick cackles) Listen to this sensitive shithead.
Dick: Good start.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) "Which is why he can't appreciate a good story in games. Also, suggesting games don't have good stories? You think Witcher III, Deus Ex, Bloodborne, or Dragon Age don't have good stories? (his voice slowly becomes sillier) Gaming is another medium of entertainment like books, and movies. Go read a book if that is the only way you want a story told. But gaming offers a superior experience, since it lets you be a participant rather than a spectator. Fuck you, Mad Cocks. Also, your hairline has gotten even worse, by the way." (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yeah, that happens. That's…somebody said I looked like a balding Aaron Paul. I'm like "Well…"
Maddox: Oh, yeah. (cracks up)
Dick: He'll look like this too when he's my age.
Maddox: Yeah, I saw that. Yeah. This shithead. So he…he specifically in the video, I mentioned that RPGs are not a problem that I have with.
Maddox: Right? I don't have a problem with RPGs, because that's what the game is. They are story-driven games. Then he lists RPGs as games that have good stories. Witcher III, which, by the way, shit. Witcher III is a piece of shit. Deus Ex…I bought Deus Ex and I couldn't even muster up…(Dick laughs) the energy and strength to open it, because I just didn't want to go through all the dialogue. It's actually sitting on my shelf sealed right now.
Dick: Well remember when you could have…you could skip it? Remember when you could just skip the dialogue?!
Dick: You can't anymore.
Dick: You gotta watch your stupid guy trudge around through some terrain.
Maddox: Can you imagine putting in a DVD that you just bought, or a Blu-Ray that you just bought, and then not being able to turn it off or skip it when you want?
Maddox: Skip it to the next chapter if you want?
Dick: These poor…these poor kids.
Maddox: It's awful.
Dick: They don't know what video games are.
Maddox: Yeah. Umm…and then it just goes on. "Not to mention, three out of the four games you listed are not telling, compelling stories…" blablabla. There's a huge thread that goes on. Everyone is just really angry right now. Just a bunch of fucking idiots. I just want to read this. I'm going over my time here.
Dick: Yeah. You are. (Maddox laughs) On a problem that is…too much stories in video games.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I know. (grins) I know, I know, I know. But, uh…(Dick laughs) Well, we did the whole Christopher Reeve rant. But here, I just want to end on this note. You know, Dick, the top bestselling games of all time are not games that have stories in them.
Maddox: Because games purely…at their core. At their essence. Need to have good gameplay, and they need to be compelling to play. No one gives a shit about the story the second time through. No one sits and watches the story the second time through. It annoys you. It annoys me. I don't want to see it. Generally, right? Um…
Dick: No, well, you're making an interesting point. 'Cause there's always that argument of whether or not video games are art.
Dick: And I'll watch a movie 100 times.
Dick: You know? I've watched Dredd, the Dredd remake…
Dick: Probably once a week.
Dick: But I've never played a video game more than once for the story.
Maddox: Well, did you see the Avenger 2: Age of Ultron?
Dick: Yes. I hated it.
Maddox: Hated it?
Maddox: You know what the budget for that movie was? Like, north of…
Dick: (interjects) I dunno. A billion? Hundred millions? Two hundred million?
Maddox: Yeah, about. It was about that, yeah. North of 80 million, 110 million. Around that area.
Dick: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Maddox: That's bigger than most budgets for video games. So think about it. They're spending 110 million dollars to make a movie as good as they can possibly make. They have A-list actors in it. Robert Downey Jr's in it, right?
Maddox: Um. They have A-list actors in it. They have A-list screenwriting talent. They have A-list directors.
Maddox: They have all the talent in the world. They have ILM, or Dreamworks doing the special effects, like, whoever is doing the special effects.
Maddox: They have the best of the best making this movie and they still failed.
Maddox: What hope does a video game developer have to make a good…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, none. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. None. Because they're…first of all, they have to do the game, and it's hard enough to make a good game. Don't try to cram a good movie into it, too. We don't need that!
Dick: I think…well, I think there's a component of story building in the video game, like, Portal 2, you felt like you were developing the story as you went. Like, Zelda, the original Legend of Zelda game.
Dick: You felt like you were building the story. Even though there was almost no story, you felt like you were building it as you went.
Maddox: Well it's not that…
Dick: (interjects) I think they don't understand that. Like, they try to put on this movie with, like, Gears of War, and Call of Duty, and it just turns into, like, a dogshit…
Dick: Second rate version of a movie they saw once.
Maddox: Right. Like…games like Zelda…the original Zelda, and actually, most Zelda games, and games like Bloodborne and Dark Souls, Dark Souls II, they have the right amount of story. It's just a little bit of framework. A little bit of scaffolding.
Maddox: To say…even Contra. The original Contra had a little bit of story as scaffolding to say…"This is what you're supposed to do, dickhead. Just go over here and do this thing." It's a sentence. I don't need a whole…
Maddox: I can summarize most stories in video games in a sentence. But I just want to end on this note. Um, here are the top ten…you know what the number one bestselling game of all time is, Dick?
Dick: What are they? What are the top 10?
Maddox: Number one is Tetris.
Maddox: Doesn't need a fucking story.
Dick: No story.
Maddox: Don't add one. Number two is Wii Sports. Number three is Minecraft. None of these have stories in them.
Maddox: Number four does have a story, but I've never played it. (scoffs) Grand Theft Auto V. Then Super Mario Brothers. Mario Kart Wii. No stories there. Again…and then Tetris again. Tetris on Gameboy, separately.
Maddox: And then…you know, we won't even count that. I'll say Wii Sports Resort, on Wii. No story there. And then New Super Mario Bros.
Dick: That's a fun game.
Dick: Dead or Alive: Beach Volleyball is not on there?
Maddox: No, surprisingly. (giggles)
Dick: That is surprising.
Dick: I'm always off with what I think is gonna be popular.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick, that's my problem.
Dick: Alright. Hey, speaking of being put to sleep by shitty video game stories…(Maddox laughs) This episode is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code "BIGGEST". How do you like your Casper mattress?
Maddox: I love it, Dick. I legitimately love this mattress.
Dick: Do you, really?
Maddox: I'm a…(stammers) I found myself evangelizing this mattress. Talk about annoying evangelists. Now I'm a Casper evangelist. Outside this show…I have evangelized this mattress to my friends. To my family. And several of them have bought and they like it a lot, too.
Dick: They do?
Maddox: Oh, man. It's the most restful sleep, buddy.
Dick: This guy, John Anthony says "My new Casper mattress is so good that I slept right through my work shift this morning." (Maddox chuckles) "I blame the terrorists. Happy 9/11, guys." (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: What every sponsor wants is a 9/11 reference in their ad.
Maddox: I read that comment too. No, for real, though. I sleep through my phone ringing. I sleep through alarms. It might be a problem. Maybe I need to turn up my alarms. They're all metal.
Dick: Oh, your alarms are metal?
Dick: What song do you play on your alarms?
Maddox: I play…the Dallas Stars' fight song. The Dallas Stars hockey team fight song is fucking awesome! (Dick laughs) Everyone listen to it! Everyone look it up right now.
Dick: Dude, hockey music is awesome!
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Like, if you go to a game live, the only games worth going live to that have good music are hockey games.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh.
Dick: And they're all awesome! Right, Sean? Would you agree with that?
Sean: Yeah. The whole hockey experience live is completely different than on TV.
Dick: Oh, yeah. It's badass.
Sean: There's no better live sport.
Maddox: This one's by Pantera. Pantera did the Dallas Stars' fight theme, and its' so fucking cool! I listen to it every morning! You know how people say "Don't set your favorite song to be your alarm because you'll hate it"?
Dick: Why would they say…really?
Maddox: I love it. Oh, yeah. I love it.
Dick: Well, that's stupid.
Dick: Life hack. (Maddox laughs) This one's from Anthony Lopez. "Hey Dick, love the show, man. You guys are fucking awesome. I recently moved from California to Washington and I had to let go of my bed. I was like "Well, I don't wanna fucking deal with the whole mattress shopping, so why not get a tits mattress in a box delivered?" Absolutely right.
Dick: If you're moving, just ditch the mattress and get a Casper one.
Dick: "I went to the Casper site and didn't see an apparent field for a promo. Point me in the right direction." Absolutely. It's http://www.casper.com/biggest. You'll know if you're there, 'cause they spelled the name of our show wrong.
Maddox: Did they, really? What is it…how is it spelled? (laughs)
Dick: So if you're there…if you're looking at a page that has the correct name of the show, you're at the wrong spot. (Maddox laughs) No, they said…it says, "The Biggest Problems in the Universe", or something like that.
Dick: It's a simple grammatical mistakes. We all make them all the times.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Use promo code BIGGEST. There you go.
Maddox: Yeah. We'll link to it on our website. Thanks for supporting the show, guys. Sleep well.
Dick: Uhhh…I don't know if my problem is as big as yours. (Maddox guffaws) Terrorism.
Maddox: No, uhh…
Dick: It was just September 11th, you guys.
Dick: Did you know…are you aware of that?
Maddox: It was.
Dick: Did you remember to never forget? Sean, I'm looking at you?
Sean: I did remember to never forget.
Dick: Good. Maddox?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Did you do some Osama Bin Laden death shit?
Maddox: I bought…no. No. That's on Osama Bin Laden Death Day, which I believe is May 2nd.
Maddox: That's when I celebrate Osama Bin Laden Death Day. 9/11 is a day of remembrance.
Dick: Okay. I'm not gonna be flippant about this, 'cause it's a big issue. A growing issue worldwide, terrorism has caused around 130,000 fatalities between 2006 and 2013. That's a lot of fatalities. 90,000 total terrorist attacks in this time period.
Maddox: Since when? What year?
Dick: 2006 and 2013.
Maddox: 2006 and 2013.
Dick: 90,000, man.
Dick: That is a shitload.
Maddox: And how many deaths did that result in?
Dick: That's like a hurricane…what was that big…
Dick: What was the Haiti…yeah. What was the tsunami? Wasn't it around hundreds of thousands?
Maddox: The Thai…yeah. The Thai tsunami. The tsunami that hit Southeast Asia in 2004.
Dick: You're wincing Sean, like you think it's a lot more. What do you think it is?
Sean: No, I thought it was, like, in the 70,000 range.
Dick: Okay, close.
Dick: Orders of magnitude.
Sean: Was it more?
Maddox: It was over 100, yeah. It was over 100. It was a lot.
Dick: In the past year, the country with the most terrorist attacks is obviously Iraq, followed by Pakistan and Afghanistan. Altogether, the number of terrorist attacks in these countries amounted to around 7,000 attacks. That's a shitload, man.
Dick: Look, I'm bringing it in. It's weird to bring in, because according to the numbers, it's not an American problem. Right? Like, you're more…you're more likely to be ki…in America, you're dying because you're fat. That's it. That's the only…you're dying because the garbage shelving system that you bought on QVC falls on your head while you're taking a three-hour shit. That's why you die in America. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. Coronary heart disease.
Dick: You're not dying from a terrorist attack.
Maddox: Usually not.
Dick: So I'm reading these fatalities, and they're huge.
Dick: But, to us, it's not…it's not a big deal. But it IS. Because all it is to us is the fear. Right? That's all terrorism is to us, is the fear of IT. Do you know what I'm saying?
Dick: Do you agree with that or disagree with that?
Maddox: Yeah, no, I agree.
Dick: 'Cause it's not a real threat. It's not a real threat to us.
Maddox: It's not.
Dick: Despite what every politician implicates…they never say it. They always implicate.
Dick: That's it's a threat.
Dick: Right? Not a threat. Not a threat. But we're all afraid. We're all terrified of it. So, huge success for them. 'Cause we're all terrified of it.
Maddox: Yeah. We are terrified to a point of annoyance. Where we have started to mobilize ourselves against terrorism…
Dick: (interjects) Lemme tell you how.
Dick: Terrorism. Militarized police. Terrorism. Mass surveillance. The TSA. Your Oculus Rift shit?
Dick: One fucking terrorist, it's goodbye. One data center goes, goodbye Maddox.
Maddox: What are you talking about?!
Dick: Right?! That's how the Oculus Rift works.
Maddox: No, man…
Dick: I know you're virtual reality…
Maddox: I'm gonna be in the cloud, buddy, you can't get rid of me.
Dick: No, it's…
Maddox: I'm gonna be spread everywhere.
Dick: Here's the problem with it, honestly. Is we're gonna be at war forever. We're at…we're constantly at war. We're just constantly at war now because of fucking terrorism.
Maddox: Yeah, but…I mean, terrorism is the problem, but also, isn't it the initiative of the politicians who got us into that war? Like…
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Well, specifically, Bush.
Dick: Ohhhh, boy.
Maddox: Right after 9/11…no, but let's talk about this.
Maddox: Right after 9/11, Bush called for a global war on terror.
Maddox: Or…the war on terror. TWOT for short.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: So, he had this TWOT initiative. Right?
Maddox: The War on Terror. And…um…any…just like any other war on an "ism"…
Maddox: Or an ideology.
Maddox: It never ends. It can never end, because that ideology never can end. And also…when you attack your enemies, right? Unless you have laser precision, which we don't…unless you have laser precision, it creates collateral damage. It creates collateral deaths.
Maddox: And part of the reason the terrorists attacked us on 9/11 isn't for the reason that Bush said, which is "because they hate our freedoms". I looked it up after Bush said that speech. I thought, "Well, that's kinda confusing. 'Cause even on 9/11, I wasn't a big Bush fan."
Maddox: But even on 9/11, I thought "This is our president. This is our leader. This is my country. We're in a time of grieving and suffering."
Maddox: This is really shitty and tragic. But still, that doesn't really sound true to me, that they would attack us just because they don't like our freedom? What, jealousy is the reason they're attacking us? Then I looked it up and I found Osama Bin Laden's manifesto. And he said he's attacking us because he said that we brought down rooves over Palestinian children and because of our occupation in Israel and Pales…and Saudi Arabia, they said they don't like that we have military bases in Saudi Arabia, which he considers their holiest country.
Dick: Yeah. He doesn't like our interference with the Muslim state.
Dick: Right? I mean, with his version of it.
Maddox: Well, yeah. And it's also…it's also retribution for…uh…because we funded the Mujahideen…
Maddox: And then left them to…to fight the Russians in Afghanistan a long time ago, yadda, yadda, it's a lot of ancient history, but that's what happened. That's what led up to the 9/11 attack. And so…when you…when you respond to them with more war that creates more collateral damage, then the cousin of somebody who got killed suddenly has a beef with you.
Dick: Yeah, see…I know what you're saying. And I understand, like, the collateral damage of it, but then I found this…but then, what's the other solution, right? Like, what's the other fix?
Maddox: Oh, I'll tell you. (giggles)
Dick: Do nothing? What are you…what is it? What is it? Buy 'em off?
Maddox: I actually…
Dick: (interjects) I'm fine with that.
Maddox: Well, yeah.
Dick: Just go over there and start handing out $100 Starbucks cards and then they say "Where's the Starbucks", and like, "Well, you guys gotta fucking build one."
Maddox: Yeah, Dick…
Dick: (interjects) I dunno. You gotta work together on something here.
Maddox: Dick, I came up with a solution for this a long time ago that we still haven't implemented. Um, rather than dropping bombs on their heads, lets drop bags of money.
Dick: Yeah. No, I…
Maddox: Instant…instant reparations, Dick! You…'cause you drop a bag of money, kill somebody…
Maddox: And then their cousin, or whoever, you know, they're pissed off, they're like "Oh, well, there's a bag of money."
Dick: Then they're like "Oh, that guy was kind of a Dick, fuck him."
Maddox: (laughing) He's kind of a dick, fuck him.
Dick: Look at all this money I got.
Maddox: Look at all this money. 'Cause here's the thing, man. The cost of each…like, one of those missiles we're shooting into caves and on the hillside.
Maddox: And the operation is in the TRILLIONS of dollars, if we had just gone into these countries and said, "Here's a bunch of Starbucks and a bunch of shiny buildings for you. Uh..enjoy."
Dick: Yeah. Here's a bunch of jeans. You guys like Levis?
Dick: Well, there you go.
Maddox: I mean…I think that sugar goes a lot further than vinegar in this case.
Dick: Well, so here's…okay. Here's what I found. 'Cause I saw…lemme stay on track here. So, the war? The war, by the way? Cost us about 2 trillion dollars so far.
Dick: You know what NASA's budget is every year?
Dick: 20 billion.
Dick: So what is that? 100 years of NASA?
Dick: All…more than NASA has been around.
Dick: More budget for that.
Maddox: That's like 20…that's 20% of our national debt, isn't it?
Dick: I don't know. Uh…price to end hunger worldwide is 30 billion a year.
Dick: And terrorism is preventing that. Basically. I mean, basically. A lot of stupid decisions are causing this, but the root cause is still terrorism.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, so…who's opposed to that solution, Dick?
Dick: What's that?
Maddox: If…let's say that you were trying to build political will amongst a populace to say, "Look guys, we can solve world hunger for a fraction of the cost of this war on terror." We can actually feed every single person in the WORLD. And we can end certain disease, and we can end homelessness.
Maddox: And all these great things. We could fund NASA.
Maddox: How do you, then, build a political capital? Who's gonna be opposed to that?
Dick: What do you mean? I imagine everyone.
Maddox: Hmm. Why?
Dick: Why? Because you can't get incensed about hunger. Like, it's always been that way. It's easy to ignore.
Dick: But it's not easy to ignore people getting blown up.
Maddox: You don't think that…
Dick: (interjects) And that's how people work. That's why Christopher Reeve getting paralyzed motivated people to…to give. Because that's how people are. There's a tragedy and they respond to it.
Maddox: Yeah. This is actually a cognitive bias that I'm talking about in another video that I'm making down the line about gun control, but it's…it's called the probability neglect and it's a cognitive bias by this researched named Sun. I forget which university that he's from. But basically, things that are in our near sight, in our ideas. In our idea space.
Maddox: Seem much more urgent than problems that we actually need to focus on. Uh..actually, there's a book by the…
Dick: (interjects) Well, but that last part I take…I take issue with.
Dick: That you "need" to focus on.
Maddox: Well, sure.
Dick: Because in your life…video games…stories in video games have a bigger impact then terrorism!! I mean…you could make that argument, 'cause that's right in front of you!
Maddox: Yeah, I'm not saying…
Dick: Go ahead, anyway.
Maddox: I'm not saying that I am not fallible to this cognitive bias. We all are. We're humans. Uh, we all…we all basically respond the same way. I mean…
Maddox: …I am infallible, but that's a different story. That's a different episode. But…uh, umm. This researched, Kahneman, I think is his name. He wrote this book called "Fast and Slow Thinking", where he specifically talks about this. He says it's a cognitive bias that makes us feel like the things that we're hearing about are more important than they are. That's why we focus so much on celebrity news. And…and, in fact, terrorism, which isn't nearly as big of a problem as children drowning!
Dick: No. No.
Maddox: The number of children who drown every year is around what? 30,000? Or…what is it? Sean?
Dick: It's a shitload. More people die in car crashes than anything else.
Maddox: Yeah. Every year. More people die from the flu.
Maddox: 33,000 people die per year from the flu, so, since 2006, Dick, that's what? 11 years.
Maddox: And in 11 years, we've had 90,000 terrorist attacks and 130,000 casualties. That's way less than the flu.
Sean: No, it was 2006 to 2013, so that's 7 years.
Maddox: Oh, seven years, okay. So, even…so, okay. (stammers) Still. That's 33,000 per year?
Maddox: 33,000 x 7. That's 210,000, right?
Maddox: That's 130,000 versus 210,000. Flu is a way bigger problem. Why aren't we using this money to solve the flu?
Dick: Well, like you see…you can't just stack up death counts. Like, that's not how…that's also not how it works.
Maddox: Well, I know that's not…
Dick: It's not just bigger 'cause more people died from it.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, that's how it should work.
Dick: Or else Death would be a big problem.
Maddox: It is. (giggles)
Dick: And we saw what happened there, didn't we?
Maddox: Well. Bunch of idiots.
Dick: Yeah. So…
Maddox: (interjects) This one guy..yeah, well, no. I don't…
Dick: (interjects) Well, I was…you mentioned, you know, the collateral damage and not just killing 'em. However, then I found this Rand study that says "All terrorist groups eventually end", they say, but how do they end? The evidence since 1968 indicates that they end because either they joined the political process, 43% ended that way, or local police or intelligence agencies arrested or killed key members. 40%. What does that…that says pretty effective strategy to arrest and kill key members.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: That's what that number says to me.
Dick: "Well, we killed half of them." "What happened to the other half?" "They stopped doing terrorist things." Okay, sounds like killing them solved 100%, then! That's what the numbers say! Not…not that I'm on board with that, but it seems pretty fuckin' effective!
Maddox: Yeah…I don't think so, Dick, because we essentially wiped out the leadership of the Taliban.
Maddox: Uh…and we wiped out the leadership of Al-Qaeda.
Maddox: We pretty much sent Al-Qaeda packing. Like, there is nobody left for the…the heads of Al-Qaeda. They're kind of a scattered…there are a bunch of scattered cells in Somalia and in Yemen and Jordan. There's a bunch of cells, right?
Maddox: But then this…the resentment is still there. And if you take away Al-Qaeda by name, and you take away the Taliban by name…
Dick: Yeah. (exhales)
Maddox: Guess what?
Sean: Then you get ISIS.
Maddox: Then you get ISIS.
Maddox: You get another fucking shithead. And that's exactly what Dick Cheney...
Maddox: The biggest snake…the snakiest, weaselly politician, probably in the last decade, since Nixon, probably.
Dick: I mean, you know terrorism existed before those guys, right?
Maddox: Well…hold on, hold on. Dick Cheney came out with this video…during an interview in, I think, 1996. And he said it would be suicide to go into Iraq. It would be insane to go into Iraq, because if we took out Saddam Hussein.
Maddox: Saddam Hussein is a thug and a strongarm, and he's oppressing the people, but he's also oppressing the bad guys in…in Syria. We need someone shitty like Saddam Hussein to oppress these fucking dickhead terrorists, because Saddam Hussein is way more cruel than we are.
Dick: Yeah, true.
Maddox: We can't torture people. I mean, we do…we do it anyway, but we can't. We're not supposed to. We have to go…abide by the Geneva conventions.
Maddox: And we have to abide by the United Nations conventions. And we have to play by the rules. But these dickheads don't. And Saddam Hussein wasn't doing it either. And he was oppressing these fuckheads. And then Dick Cheney said, "You take out Saddam Hussein, it's gonna create a power vacuum, and it's gonna bring in more terrorism into the Middle East." And guess what? That's exactly what fucking happened!
Dick: Well, sure.
Maddox: So…so…ISIS is just the remnants of Al-Qaeda and the Taliban and these other terrorist groups, and you take out ISIS, and then what, man? Where does it end? Another…another group.
Dick: Well I read…I actually read what ISIS wants…cause I didn't know. You think, like, "Well, what do they want?" Like, what the hell do they want? What can I give these people to make them stop doing this?
Maddox: Okay. What does it say?
Dick: Right? They don't just want money. Like, I don't understand that. How much do you want us to write the check for? None of these checks that we write are good anyway. What do you want, right?
Dick: Do you know what they want? Do you know what ISIS wants?
Maddox: I…I mean, if I listen to just the propaganda and rhetoric, it sounds like they want an Islamic state.
Dick: Do you…you don't think that's true?
Maddox: I think they do.
Dick: You think that they do. Okay.
Dick: Well, I…actually researched it. 'Cause I wanted to know. I watched a 60 seconds…"All you need to know about ISIS" video.
Maddox: Okay. (giggles)
Dick: I was like, "Perfect."
Dick: So they're running a caliphate. Am I saying that right?
Dick: It's an Islamic state ruled by one leader, who is the…who is considered the political successor to Mohammed.
Dick: Uh…that's a pretty fucking clear agenda.
Dick: That doesn't have a fix. Right? Like, it doesn't matter how many…how many casualties…how much collateral damage we cause. If the agenda is an Islamic state, where the head of the state is a successor to Mohammed…you can't stop that!! You understand what I'm saying? Like…dropping money on it…we're not causing that. That's all I'm saying.
Dick: Like, if that's their agenda.
Maddox: Well, that is their agenda. We're not causing it, but we're also exacerbating the situation.
Maddox: Because…because, man, nobody in the Middle East likes ISIS. Uh, the Syrian regime wants to get rid of them. The Saudi regime wants to get rid of them. Iran doesn't like 'em. Nobody wants them. Nobody wants to harbor them. Nobody wants to even get that stink near them, because once they get that stink of state-sponsored terrorism, they know that they're on our watchlist and Israel's watchlist. They don't want that. And Turkey, too. Turkey's one of our allies.
Maddox: And they're playing ball right now.
Dick: See, I read these solutions. Like, I looked up some "How to stop this?" and none of them ring true to me. "Stop supporting the dictators who fund terrorists." Like…
Maddox: Well, okay. (skeptical)
Dick: Okay, you know.
Dick: Stop arming terrorist. Yeah. O-only buy stocks that go up!!! (yells) Thanks! Thanks for the…how are we gonna stop doing that?! Like, b…
Maddox: (interjects) Well, we're still doing it. We're still…there's still been reports of arms going into Syria to support the rebels. Well, guess what? If the rebels get defeated, those arms are gonna fall into the hands of terrorists.
Dick: Yeah, again. So only fund the rebels who will win, right? Like, let's pretend we're in Star Wars, you know? It happens. It happens.
Maddox: Yeah, but that's…yeah, but that's exactly what we did to start Al-Qaeda.
Maddox: Which is the,,,Mujahideen in Afghanistan. We armed them to fight Russia. They defeated Russia, but then they turned their weapons on us!
Maddox: Our weapons. Our own weapons.
Dick: As they will do. Stop…stop imperial conquests for Arab oil.
Dick: Okay, well…
Maddox: Well, that's..
Dick: We'll all drive Priuses. Have a fucking great time.
Maddox: Well, hold on. That's actually a solution, Dick, that I think that might actually worse, if we took this 2 trillion dollars and we created initiatives to create clean energy alternatives or any kind of new technology to product our energy demands. To…to answer our energy needs with that 2 trillion dollars? That might actually be a solution. If we got out of the Middle East altogether.
Dick: Here's the only…here's the only solution that I read that was…that I thought was interesting.
Dick: I think…I think all that other shit is totally unrealistic and retarded.
Dick: Well, okay. So…radically change…radically change culture and lives. Got it.
Dick: Thanks. We'll get right on that! Right?!
Maddox: It…it seems like a passive solution. If at all. Because there are relative times where we don't support these regimes and we don't arm terrorists, but they still, you know, find a way to exist.
Dick: This was from The Guardian. Um…and it says…the author blames it on childhood poverty.
Dick: Saying, "poverty feeds terrorism by eroding a basic human need. The need to belong."
Dick: Uh…"…this may seem like an unlikely place to begin a conversation on terrorism, but after growing up in one of Africa's largest urban slums for most of my life, I am certain that nurturing a sense of belonging in young people through economic opportunity and the cultivation of community is essential for curbing the spread of terrorism." And here's the interesting part. Um…they say, "When middle and upper class people…" which would be America, right?
Dick: Ask why someone with no natural inclination towards violence would become a terrorist, the answer is usually because they have nothing to use, but what it is to people…it's just…it's what happens every day in these communities, spilling over into, uh…into the upper and middle class societies. That's what they're saying. This is just the default behavior, and the way to fix it is to bring everybody up.
Maddox: I agree. I absolutely agree.
Maddox: Because here's the thing, Dick. Um…these…they're essentially like gangs. Gangs in the United States are usually the most impoverished. They come from places of poverty. You don't see gangs popping up in affluent neighborhoods. You don't get the Beverly Hills Gang. You don't get the Brentwood Gang. You don't get the Gangnam Gang.
Maddox: Gangham in South Korea. You know, Gangnam Style?
Dick: Is that a rich area?
Maddox: Yeah. It's the South Korean Beverly Hills. The Gangnam Gang. It has the word "gang" right in it! Why don't you have one?! Anyway, man. You don't get…you don't get gangs from affluent neighborhoods, because when people are downtrodden and distraught…you ever heard the expression, Dick, um…"No disrespect"?
Dick: What, like, someone says that to you, "no disrespect"? And then they say something extremely disrespectful?
Dick: (interjects) Yes, I do know. (laughs) (Maddox laughs) Yeah. That's like when someone says "Gentlemen"…it's like I know you're…
Dick: I know you're about to not treat me like a gentleman.
Dick: Or when someone says, uh…"No offense".
Dick: It's like, okay, please…(grins) Please proceed with the offense.
Maddox: You know, Dick, I believe that Chinese cultures have something in common with…with gang mentality, and that is this concept of losing face.
Maddox: Because when gang cultures lose face, sometimes if they're already in poverty and they're already poor, that's all they've got.
Maddox: They only have their pride. And when you take their pride away, they'll lash out at you. And the same thing, I think, is happening in the Middle East. I read an essay a long time ago, I think it was in the Guardian or Atlantic, where they talked about how…uh, the psychology that goes into terrorism. Are these people who are downtrodden and in poverty and no one else gives a shit about them. No one's taking them in.
Maddox: So essentially, the Middle Eastern version of our American gangs is happening right now. And now they're getting rifles. They're getting machine guns. And they feel powerful. They feel like they're challenging authority. We are the authority that they're challenging. They're challenging..
Dick: (interjects) That is what a machine gun feels like. (sexy)
Maddox: Yeah. Well…they're challenging. I mean, you're literally…these people are becoming armed.
Maddox: With machine guns. To go out and kill people that they view as oppressors. The people who they view as the…the aggressors who put them in that situation to begin with. It's a really…
Dick: (interjects) Well, they got something to fight for, also. Like, if ISIS…if ISIS's goal is…gigantic Muslim state ruled by a prophet…a descendant of the prophet, then that's a pretty cause to fight for. If you got nothing.
Maddox: (giggles) Oh, if you got nothing.
Dick: I mean, you're sitting there. You got nothing but a fucking…corrugated piece of iron as a roof and a machine gun, somebody drops that on you. You're like…"Yeah! That's a fucking great idea! Fuck this!"
Maddox: Yeah. So the hope here is that…and this is what I would like to see more of. Is a Middle Eastern solution to this largely Middle Eastern problem. And it's gotta be two prong. And America has to stop exacerbating the situation. Like, by doing bombing campaigns and all these missions. Look, man. You kill somebody…you kill a terrorist. That terrorist has a brother. That terrorist has a cousin. That terrorist has parents. Or you kill their parents, or whatever, they're gonna come after you. They're going to join the cause that killed them. Look man, just put yourself in their shoes. If someone dropped a bomb on a suspected American terrorist, right?
Maddox: Let's say other…let's say Pakistan was flying drones.
Dick: I would post that shit all over Facebook. Are you kidding me?
Maddox: Let's say Pakistan was flying drones over America. Like we are there.
Maddox: Over there. And they accidentally drop a bomb on a wedding. And they kill a bunch of innocent people. They say, "Oh, sorry, we thought it was a terrorist cell, sorry. Here's a bunch of money for reparations."
Dick: Well, that's not gonna be good enough. (smiles)
Maddox: No, absolutely not.
Maddox: And people are gonna be outraged. And the relatives of those people are not gonna rest until they get justice. Well, this is their form of justice. It's shitty. It's wrong. Because they're attacking civilians, they're attacking innocent people and they don't discriminate, but…it's…it's clear to see where this problem comes from and what we need to do to stop exacerbating it. And then, to get the Middle Eastern countries to try to solve this problem.
Dick: Yeaaaah. I don't think it's clear, though. I agree with what you're saying, but I don't think it's the biggest cause. Like, I agree with this idea of a cycle of revenge and violence. I think that's part of it, though.
Maddox: I think poverty…I think you're right, Dick. Poverty, I think, is probably a big part of it.
Dick: Poverty combined with fanaticism is much more dangerous. I was reading also that Osama Bin Laden didn't even think that an Islamic state could be established in his lifetime.
Dick: Like, that was the endgame, but he was like "Oh, there's no way that'll happen."
Dick: And here we go.
Maddox: Yeah. Um…
Dick: It's a big problem.
Maddox: Yeah, it is…
Dick: (interjects) It's gonna be around for a long fucking time.
Maddox: It is a big problem. Although…hold on.
Dick: (interjects) And it's so annoying, 'cause it dominates conversation in America.
Maddox: Well, hold on, Dick. I think that at the start of your problem, you said something…you were saying…I don't think it's as big of a problem as we're making it to be. Because it's on our horizon. It's on our radars, because we're hearing about it all the time, but like we said, it's 90,000 terrorist incidents.
Dick: That's only deaths, though. It's 2 trillion dollars. Put that in dollars, not deaths.
Maddox: But that doll…those dollars are for the war that we've…we've…those war campaigns that we've been part of.
Sean: The war on terrorism.
Dick: That's never gonna end.
Dick: That shit is never gonna end.
Maddox: Uh, I mean, it can. It can.
Dick: You know what we gotta do?
Dick: We gotta send Bernie Sanders to the Middle East and have him distribute all that oil money to everybody.
Dick: Right? That'll help. Then everybody'll be rich!
Maddox: Yeah, man. I mean, to even start to unravel the Middle Eastern politics and the corruption that goes on there, and uh…you know, the Saudi oil money.
Maddox: And the, um…the princes in Dubai. And Jordan. And all the…the Emirates. And all..what's the other one, Bahrain?
Maddox: Yeah, Qatar. Actually, I think the king of Qatar is a badass. Was that the..
Dick: Oh, is he?
Maddox: No, it's the king of Jordan, the…(stammers)
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right. He's cool.
Maddox: King Abdullah of Jordan. Like, I think, personally flew a jet campaign to bomb an ISIS target.
Dick: Well. (impressed)
Maddox: Which is pretty fucking badass.
Dick: Fucking cool.
Maddox: You know…
Maddox: Bush did his morale boost by landing a jet on an aircraft carrier.
Maddox: King Abdullah dropped a fucking bomb on a terrorist.
Maddox: That's pretty fucking ballsy.
Dick: Pretty cool. Let's see you do that, Trump.
Maddox: Especially for a Middle Eastern.
Dick: Well, this is…this is why I say it's such a big problem. Because it's…even the quagmire of dissecting it is impossible.
Maddox: I don't think it's impossible. I think it's a complex situation.
Dick: Well, you couldn't do it! Who's gonna do it, then!? You couldn't do it in 20 seconds. That's it! That's all we got! You're the best hope we got!
Maddox: I told…I told you! Drop bombs of money on them, man! Just drop bags of money. For real. Drop bags of money. Let these fuckers, like…kill them with it, and then, you know. Also, instant reparations! Boom!
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: It's just fucking gold!
Maddox: Fort Knox. What are we doing to Fort Knox? It's a bunch of bullshit? Look man, Russia had a gold…a gold reserve that just got robbed. Uh, I don't know how many billions of dollars, like, 4 billion dollars' worth of gold got robbed from Russia. Put that shit in missiles. Drop it on the fucking terrorists. Let them have…like, give 'em a Cadillac. You put a Cadillac. You put Cadillac keys in a terrorist's hand…
Maddox: I'll show you an ear-to-ear smile, buddy. They'll be grinning like motherfuckers! They're not gonna bomb anyone!
Sean: They'll just put some fucked up looking rims on it. (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Yeah, what happens when poor people win the lottery!? They blow it immediately!!!
Dick: It's not gonna work!
Dick: See?! Your plan is fucked.
Maddox: You need to create…
Dick: (interjects) We could give 'em plutonium, that's worth a lot, right? They could resell that.
Maddox: You need to…(cracks up) you need to create an industry over there, I think. I mean, it's not our job to…to nation build. And by the way, we are not good at nation building. I think that…most…most instances where we have tried nation building since World War II have been absolute and utter failures. Iraq is…is the primest example. Afghanistan is another prime example. There's so many times where we've tried nation building that doesn't work. Um, but yeah, man. This problem, I think…
Dick: We gave it a shot, though.
Maddox: What? Nation building?
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: Great. (giggles)
Dick: Gave it a shot. (giggles)
Maddox: There you go. Slap-dick nation builders.
Dick: Yeah. So we're shitty nation builders.
Maddox: We're shitty nation builders, Dick. Uh, we're not…we're not supposed to…we need to get out of that business. And yeah. If their economy…
Dick: You think terrorism is a big problem, though, right?
Dick: You don't think it's a big problem?
Maddox: No. Not compared to…
Dick: 2 trillion dollars we're spending? The Patriot Act?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Well…
Dick: This is a natural reaction to it. This is a natural reaction to fear!
Maddox: That's a shitty conservative reaction to it. The Patriot Act?!
Dick: Maddox, this is reaction to fear! This…of course it's bad, but this was the reaction!
Maddox: Yeah, but also, you need to have a measured response to it, and it's…not…the response is not measured here. 2 trillion dollars to solve a problem that's REALLY costing us 130,000 lives per year?!
Dick: Not us. Those are other lives.
Dick: Those are not our lives.
Maddox: Well, I mean, there are troops. There are people who live in those countries. Like, look, man. The damage that this is causing? It's bad. It's a bad problem. But like we just said, Dick, because video game stories are on my agenda, they're on my horizon.
Maddox: That's a problem to me. (Sean laughs) But it's not a big problem in the grand scale of things.
Sean: Why don't you start a foundation now that you've had this happen to you? (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: It'll be the "Fuck You, Sean" foundation. How about that? (Sean laughs)
Maddox: FYS. Donate now. And I'll…(giggles) I'll start my website. The Power to Play website.
Dick: Alright. I think I'm done with terrorism. I don't think I have anything else for it.
Maddox: I'm done with terrorism, too! Fuck terrorism. (chuckles) Um…yeah, Dick. (stammers) Here's one…here's one other thing just to add onto the terrorist note.
Maddox: Thankfully, this is not…this is not the majority of the Middle East. Like, you know. This…this is a big problem. Uh…
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: In terms of geopolitical events. Geopolitics, right? But, uh…the majority of Saudi Arabia doesn't have to worry about terrorism. The majority of Iran, Qatar, and Kuwait. These aren't countries that are actively dealing with, you know, hundreds and thousands of terrorist deaths or terrorist incidents.
Dick: I…uh. Okay.
Dick: Yeah. Thankfully, there's not more of it.
Dick: Okay. Yeah.
Maddox: It's…it's a minority still, thankfully. Relatively speaking, it's still the 1% of the population. The Islamic population that's doing this.
Dick: Oh, this is a PC…Islam thing that you're doing? (Sean giggles) Okay.
Maddox: It's not. It's…I mean, you can call it PC if you want…
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: …but it's the truth. It doesn't change the truth of what I said.
Dick: No? Find me a survey of people who support it.
Maddox: Uh, terrorism?
Dick: Yeah. And find me a survey…
Maddox: I did. I have.
Dick: Find me a survey that says…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah. I have.
Dick: Um…uh…populations of the countries who support terrorist acts. And it says 1% or less.
Dick: 'Cause I bet you're gonna find that it's a lot higher than 1%. Who support terrorist acts.
Maddox: No, it's not. No it's not. I've actually looked into this, Dick.
Dick: Mmm. (skeptical)
Maddox: I've actually looked into this.
Dick: Let's see it!
Maddox: And outside of every single country, except, I think at the time, it was Iraq, um…those people surveyed were absolutely opposed to terrorism. Across the board! Way less than 1…way less than 5% in most of those countries. Um…but, I mean, you poll anyone, you're gonna see an anomaly. You poll any population.
Dick: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I actually brought this fucking study in.
Dick: Hold on. (papers shuffle) It's higher than that. Uh…Jordan. 72% of Jordanians backed terror attacks against the US troops in Iraq as of 2009. Does that sound right?
Maddox: No. That doesn't sound right.
Dick: Well, that's what this shit said.
Maddox: What's the source?
Dick: I'm looking for it. I got my notes all mixed up, though. I threw them in a fit. Oh, it's from Breitbart.
Maddox: (laughs)(scoffs) Oh, Breitbart. Great.
Dick: Do you have a problem with them, too? (Maddox laughs)
Sean: That's…that's "bright"bart.
Maddox: Yeah, Breitbart.
Dick: From Breitbart. You got a problem with them, too?
Maddox: Yeah. Might as well be NewsMax, Dick. Might as well be, uh…what's her name. Uh…
Sean: Andrew Breitbart was a very, very conservative political pundit.
Sean; Uh…he died.
Dick: Alright. Well, find a fucking Pew study, then. I don't know.
Maddox: I…this is a BBC study that I found. And I looked at it, and almost every single country except for one…I believe it was Iraq at the time, and it was right after the invasion, the shock-and-awe campaign.
Maddox: That there was a little bit of support for it because they viewed us as aggressors. But most countries in the Middle East absolutely do not stand for terrorism. Because they're the ones who are mostly suffering! These casualties you said, Dick!? 130,000 deaths?
Maddox: Those are mostly Middle Eastern.
Dick: I know, I read that!
Maddox: Those are mostly Shias versus, what are the other ones, the Baths?
Maddox: The Sunis, yeah. Shias and Sunis blowing each other up over, uh…ancient disputes. And they're blowing up mosques, and they're hurting each other. They don't want this any more than we want gangs!
Dick: We have to know about all these names because of terrorism. Right?
Maddox: Well.. (scoffs) Or…
Maddox: …just for the lack of ignorance. (giggles)
Dick: Right, most of us?
Dick: Alright. That's my problem. Terrorism.
Maddox: Well, good problem, Dick. Um, I think that stories in video games are a bigger problem.
Dick: Well, yeah.
Maddox: But, uh…we'll see.
Dick: They're taking your time hostage. That's true. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: You can't…look! If I'm tired of a terrorist story, I can turn it off! On the news. I can't skip a story in a video game!
Dick: Ah, you can turn it off for now.
Maddox: What? The terrorist story? (giggles)
Maddox: Plug my ears, buddy.
Maddox: Can't do that with a video game. It's too loud. (laughs) Alright, Dick. My problem this week is Ham-Fisted Video Game Stories!!
Dick: My problem is Terrorism. See you next Tuesday.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys…I hear the problem is the artificial scarcity of Pretzel buns. (Maddox giggles) They're the best buns…"
Dick: That's fucking true!
"Every restaurant will have, like, some sort of pretzel burger, but only for, like, one week, and it's gone."
"And I just had two pretzel sandwiches that my mom made for me and they were delicious. (Dick giggles) I have not enjoyed…(they both laugh) a ham sandwich for 10 years."
Dick: I haven't enjoyed a ham…(trails off laughing)
"And I finally did because of the power of the pretzel bun."
Dick: Yeah, he's right!
Maddox: Wow. Huh.
"And…and at the store…they're like a limited edition thing. Like, we have to enjoy them while they last. Why is this? (Maddox and Dick laugh) Why does bread have to flakey, floppy, gloopy…basically hardened air, like all bread it…(Maddox laughing still)Why can't we enjoy pretzel buns? Why is the only kind of pretzel we can have is just regular pretzels? (they both crack up) You can't do anything with it. All you can do is just eat it."
"Or dip it in cheese."
Dick: You can't do anything with it!
"Completely ridiculous. You know, I'm usually in favor of capitalism, but… (Maddox still laughing, cracking up) you know, if it takes a couple of government interventions, national policies…"
Maddox: Oh, my god. (laughing)
"Higher tax rates…colonialist invasions. Whatever it takes for uh…"
Dick: Whatever it takes.
"For pretzel buns to be common. Let's do it. Big problem.")
Maddox: I love a phrase that starts with, "I'm usually in favor of capitalism." (Dick cracks up) And then…(laughing) his big problem with normal pretzels is that you can only dip 'em in cheese! And he calls them COMPLETELY ridiculous!
Dick: They are completely…oh, he's dead right, though! There is an artificial scarcity of pretzel buns. Every single bun should be a pretzel bun, right?
Sean: I don't have a problem…I don't have a problem with a single word he said.
Dick: No, me either!!!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Pretzel buns are okay. They're a little too chewy on the outside.
Dick: Ohhhhhhh, what?!!? (incredulous)
Maddox: Okay. Have you ever had a pulled barbecue sandwich in a pretzel bun, buddy?!
Dick: No, but now I really want one.
Maddox: Well…you think you do, because on paper it sounds good, right?
Sean: You don't have to stop eating other bread.
Maddox: Yeah, but…well, Sean.
Dick: Yeah, you can eat…what do you eat? Some kind of croissant? Something real soft, for your precious roof of your mouth? What do you got going on?!
Maddox: No, dickhead!!
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: What I eat is the bread that's…that's right for the sandwich!! Dick, just like you had a problem with Fireball Whiskey a long time ago, because you thought it would infect other whiskeys…
Dick: And it did!
Maddox: And it did.
Dick: And it did. I was right.
Maddox: You…you were right. Thank God.
Dick: I was right.
Maddox: I'm glad it did. That's fucking awesome, 'cause I love cinnamon. But…just like it infected other whiskeys, if pretzel buns became too common, they would infect other breads, and next thing you know, you got a barbecue shop on the side of the road…
Maddox: That has pretzel bun pulled pork sandwiches!! That you bite into and the bread's too chewy, so all the meat squirts out in your girlfriend's face!! (Sean cracks up)
Dick: Ah, you can lick it off. It sounds awesome. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Ew…(laughs) (Sean still laughing)
(Voice mail: male voice: "You know, it's pretty sad that there's three people in the room that were able to open up about their sexual experiences, and then there's Maddox. (Maddox laughs) Maddox, Sean barely said a word this episode, and yet, he came off more as a love guru than you even did. I think it's time you just…tried to not speak about sex anymore and just go back to playing Smash Brothers. (Dick cracks up) Anyway, Dick, keep up the good work. Maddox, shut the fuck up. ")
Dick: Oho!! That's rude.
Maddox: You know what? Fuck that guy. He cited zero examples of what he was talking about.
Dick: He doesn't need to!!!
Maddox: How does Sean come off?!!? How did Sean come off as more of a sex expert?!!
Dick: Look at him.
Sean: Probably by my silence.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: Ahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa. Yeah, the silence is deafening, because that's also the sound that a virgin makes.