Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 69
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Smash Brothers to Burning Man.
Dick: Ohhhh. (saucy)
Maddox: With over 4 million downloads, I'm Maddox.
Dick: Fuck you.
Maddox: With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: And today, we are joined by a very special guest, the Dating Girl, Erin Tillman!
Erin: Wooooo!!! The Dating Advice Girl.
Maddox: The Dating Advice Girl. Oh my….
Dick: (cracks up) Welcome! (Erin laughs) Do not make us start over, please, Erin!
Erin: No no! Close enough. Close enough.
Dick: Give us a mulligan.
Erin: I am Erin Tillman, the Dating Advice Girl.
Maddox: We went over that, like…
Dick: (interjects) The very beautiful Dating Advice Girl.
Erin: Thank you!! (grins)
Dick: Let's start there.
Maddox: Alrighty. Alrighty.
Erin: Thank you.
Maddox: One of those shows, guys. One of those shows. (Erin giggles) Episode 69. (Erin cackles) Uh-huh. Our erotic episode.
Maddox: This is going to be a sex-themed episode. Dick, uh..but before we begin…
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: Biggest problem from last week is…no problem.
Dick: What?! (incredulous)
Maddox: It was actually a draw.
Dick: Oh, horseshit!
Maddox: For the…for the first time…
Dick: What is it…
Maddox: It's…as of this recording, no joke…
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: It's 1222 for each problem.
Dick: I don't believe that.
Maddox: It's the first time it's ever happened. I…I've been…so, Dick, you just came back from Burning Man, and I've been checking the Twitter feed, and throughout the entire week…
Maddox: People have been constantly tweeting at me, they said, "Hey Maddox, it's tied at this number." And "Hey Maddox, it's tied at this number." And finally, today, when I went to record, it was still tied at…it's 1222. As of this recording.
Dick: Huh. How interesting. Do you think people are trying to make them outrank one another or do you think that's just entirely organic? Like that's…everybody just thinks they're both kind of problems.
Maddox: I think it's organic. I think that everybody does think that it's their problems, because first of all, the vote is too high for it to not be a problem, and they think that Toddlers…Erin, last week we talked about toddlers as a problem.
Erin: Yes. Oh.
Maddox: And also people who can't cook.
Erin: Oh. (surprised) (stammers)
Maddox: As problems.
Dick: Can you…
Erin: (interjects) Those are pretty equal. Pretty equal.
Dick: Can you cook?
Erin: Not very well. I date guys who can cook.
Dick: Oh, wow.
Erin: But I like toddlers.
Dick: You guys are a perfect match, then. (Erin cracks up)
Erin: There you go.
Dick: Let Maddox tell you about his weird cinnamon apple pies in his…
Erin: Ooh, that sounds awesome.
Maddox: There we go.
Dick: His date afternoon, what…gumbo? Was that what he made?
Erin: Wait…(giggles) what?!
Maddox: I made gumbo.
Dick: Spicy romantic gumbo. (Erin cracks up) That's his specialty. (Sean laughs too) He'll being you over…he'll open the door in a silk kimono with a big steaming pot of gumbo. That's a hot date for this guy.
Maddox: You know what? What an asshole. (Erin guffaws) Here's the thing. I would love if somebody cooked gumbo for me, and actually, I was…(Erin laughs again) mistaken. It was not gumbo. It was jambalaya. I made jambalaya…
Erin: (interjects) Either way….
Dick: Either way.
Maddox: It's a delicious…
Erin: It's a big heartburn waiting to happen. Or farts.
Maddox: Oookay. (annoyed)
Dick: Or diarrhea. Yeah. This is a romantic…
Maddox: You know what?!? Cook your own meals, princesses! Both of you princesses!
Erin: I'll take that pie! I'll take the cinnamon apple pie!
Maddox: You'll take…you're getting nothing. (Erin laughs) 'Cause I'm going to eat the pie by myself with my delicious gumbo and I'm gonna sit in my fart cloud.
Erin: Awwwwwwwwww. (cracks up)
Maddox: Fine. You guys can…you guys can go.
Dick: Great impression of a toddler.
Maddox: Great. (they all laugh) Yeah. Yeah…lot of first-time child expert advice from last episode, too, but…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, from you!!!!!
Maddox: From you, dickhead!!!
Dick: You're the one teaching people how to discipline their toddler! (yells) (stammers) A difference that you learned about only seconds before, that babies are not the exact same thing as toddlers! (grins)
Maddox: You know what, dickhead? I looked it up. So…somebody was trying to defend you…
Dick: You looked it up 'cause you didn't believe me? (Sean laughs)
Maddox: No, no, no. (Erin giggles) 'Cause somebody was trying to defend you and they posted a comment. They said, (goofy voice), " Hey Maddoxxx…"
Dick: God. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: "Here is a link to Wikipedia/infants…" and they sent the definition of infants, and they sent the definition of toddlers.
Dick: They're different.
Maddox: And at the very top…no!
Maddox: It says an infant can be anywhere from the age of 1 and 2, a toddler anywhere between the age of 1 and 3…there's no consensus.
Dick: That's a very poorly written Wikipedia article that you just remembered. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: There…there is no consensus!
Dick: Of course there's a consensus!!
Erin: Yes there is! There is.
Maddox: What's a toddler, Erin?
Erin: Toddler is…I think it's 2 to, like, 4?
Maddox: Ohhhh!! Well, well, well.
Dick: What's an infant?
Maddox: That's not what…
Erin: (interjects) Infant's, like, baby…to, like, toddler.
Sean: They call them toddlers because they toddle around.
Erin: Toddle. Exactly.
Maddox: (sighs) Yeah. That's not what Wikipedia says, Erin!
Sean: They're walking.
Maddox: They disagree with you.
Erin: Yeah, but…I could…
Dick: (interjects) Erin, don't get sucked in. He doesn't even know what a box is. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Even in this room…even in this room. Ohhhh, please! (Sean laughs) You think a box is a tube. A square tube. (giggles)
Erin: What!? (incredulous)
Dick: You know…I retract some of my comments about toddlers, too, because when I got back from Burning Man…uh, my nephew, my little nephew, who is a toddler, and that's why I brought the problem in, Erin.
Erin: Mhmm. Mhmm.
Dick: He came out, and part of my problem with toddlers is that they're little psychopaths.
Erin: Can be, yeah.
Dick: Yes. Most of the time they are.
Dick: They just want to see the world burn. You can't reason with them…(Erin laughs)
Dick: You can't buy them off. You can't make deals with them. They just wanna cause…
Erin: They do what they want.
Dick: He saw me…and in, like, his own…like, kind of toddling, psychopath way, I saw him register happiness on his eyes, and he came over…
Dick: And opened his arms, not knowing what to do!
Dick: Just overwhelmed with emotion.
Dick: And it was…I loved it, so maybe toddlers aren't as bad as I was saying they are.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Erin: That's very sweet. That's a sweet moment, right there.
Dick: This is the highest you'll think of me throughout this episode. It's downhill.
Maddox: Definitely, yeah.
Erin: Ohh, boy.
Dick: Completely downhill from here.
Maddox: It's going to be a lot of really crass comments from here on out.
Erin: I'm very excited.
Maddox: So the toddlers running around like little psychopaths, I get it. They're like little psychos. Um…I have…
Dick: (giggles) What?!
Maddox: I have…I have a segment, Dick. We haven't done this in a long time.
(Segment starts, men exclaiming about "dick", with a squeaking sound…
Male voice: "Dick on Dick,.,")
Dick: Oh, it's Dick on Dick now?
Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaah. We got a Dick on Dick, Dick! (Erin laughs)
Erin: Oh boy.
Maddox: Alright Dick, um…way back when…
Dick: (interjects) Crass, right, Erin?
Maddox: Way back when.
Erin: Yeah. It's exciting.
Maddox: Erin, it's only gonna get crasser. (Dick giggles) Way back when, before…before a…(stammers) we even did Solutions episodes or anything, way back in the day, you said this, Dick…
(Dick: "My first problem is armchair psychologists.")
Dick: Right. (Maddox laughs)
(Dick: "I'm not an armchair psychologist. That's my point."
Maddox: "Yeah." (grins))
Maddox: And then….and then…and you specifically gave examples in that episodes of, like, people who call things…or other people psychopaths.
Dick: Right. Right.
Maddox: Here's what you said during the Cecil the Lion episode, you remember you brought in the…the hunters? Listen to this.
(Dick: "They look at that lion and they project their fucking dads onto it…and when they see it die, it causes them pain because they feel weak.")
(Dick: "It's their shitty way of dealing with their own mortality. That's why they get so pissed off."
Dick: Yeah. Well said.
Erin: Hmm. HMM. (Maddox laughs)
Erin: I've never heard that theory.
Dick: Have you…have you ever projected your dad onto anything?
Erin: Um, probably in the dating realm, a little bit.
Dick: Yeah? What would you…what kind of guy would you project your dad onto?
Erin: Oh man, this is getting deep.
Erin: Umm…probably someone who is like my dad.
Dick: What was he like? (creepy)
Erin: Um…"is" like. Uh, businessy. Very corporate-y, business-y, not real emotional.
Dick: Ahhh. Oooh.
Erin: You know.
Maddox: Erin, he's trying to hit on you, and this is gross.
Dick: You see, guys…(Erin cracks up) Guys, do you see how well it works?
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: I just…that was a class.
Erin: What…nothing worked! Nothing worked!!
Maddox: Nothing worked, Dick!
Erin: What worked there?! Nothing.
Maddox: She just told you her dad's a businessman.
Erin: Yeah, exa…(laughing)(Maddox laughs) And I was confused at the end of it.
Maddox: Here's…here's when…
Dick: (interjects) I can…did you want to see me file a report? I'll file a report right now. (creepy)
Erin: What?! Too many…I don't…(laughs)
Maddox: There's so many layers here.
Erin: I know, I know…(laughs)
Dick: So what? I'm an armchair psychologist? That's the point?
Dick: Yeah. Alright.
Maddox: Well, we…I don't know. (Erin laughs)
Dick: You got it.
Maddox: Both Dicks said so many eloquent things. But before we go on, uh…Erin.
Maddox: We should mention a little bit about your website and you've written a book as well, right?
Erin: True story. It's been out for a little bit. It's called "The Dating Guide Book". Tips for living a happy, healthy single life without losing yourself in the dating process. Because we do lose ourselves in the dating process.
Erin: Because we find some hot person that we're like, "Oh, oh!" and then we totally forget what we want, or need, or what would be best for us in terms of…
Maddox: (interjects) So what…what would you say, like, if you wanted to avoid losing yourself.
Maddox: What's the…what's one or two tips that you would think that…definitely avoid doing this to not lose yourself. Not fall for the lure of beauty or power.
Erin: Yes. Yes.
Maddox: As a lot of women who date me fall into. (Erin cracks up) Right?!
Maddox: Power? I'm like a whirlpool of power and success.
Erin: Power is a drug for people.
Maddox: And stamina. Right.
Erin: That too. Stamina as well.
Maddox: Looks. Beard.
Erin: I dunno about the beard thing. Actually, yeah. The man…the big…beards are a big thing for women right now.
Maddox: Mhmm. Even, like, well-trimmed beards. A little bit…you know? Well-trimmed.
Erin: Yeah. (not sure)
Erin: I'm not a big facial hair person, sorry. Like, every guy has…
Maddox: Well, that's enough of your book.
Dick: Two strikes!! (Erin cracks up) Sean, you wanna take a vote at this?!
Erin: No, no, no! (they all laugh) No, no, no. No, no. But if done the right way…it can be hot.
Dick: Yeah, but what…what are the tips for not losing yourself?
Erin: And I'm talking about the really long beards. Okay.
Dick: Fuck beards.
Erin: So, not losing yourself. Being really clear about what makes you happy.
Erin: Rather than trying to…jump into someone else's lifestyle. 'Cause we do that, too.
Maddox: Right. That's really good advice.
Erin: Like, we're like, "Oh, that person likes this, and they love this, and they…oh, I'm gonna like those things too, even though I hate them."
Erin: "But I want them to like me, so I'll do those things."
Maddox: I've seen this happen, Erin, not because of beauty, necessarily, but people who feel like they have no other options and they settle?
Maddox: It is THE most…it's like one of the saddest things I've ever seen in my life.
Erin: I agree.
Maddox: It's like…it's, umm…it's like the ending…well, I was gonna make a Little Mermaid reference. Anyway..
Erin: Awwwwww, yay.
Maddox: The original Little Mermaid. The 1978 one! Which most people haven't seen.
Erin: Oh, wow! No, I haven't.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. That's the original Little Mermaid. It's a really sad movie. You've seen it, Sean? (Erin guffaws)
Sean: Yeah, I've seen it because she turns into foam at the end, like the book.
Maddox: Yeah. She dies. (Erin gasps)
Maddox: She turns into foam. It's a really sad…it's really sad.
Erin: Oh, this is awful. Well, spoiler alert. I guess I won't watch it now.
Maddox: Spoiler alert, your life is that sad and pathetic if you settle. (Erin laughs) If you compromise.
Maddox: That's your message, right? Don't compromise.
Erin: Yes. Don't compromise too much. But there's something to be said for some level of compromising.
Dick: Yeah, like if they're really hot. (Maddox and Erin laugh) Then…
Erin: Oh, boy.
Dick: You know.
Erin: And then you'll be done in six months.
Dick: Or they like going doooooown.
Erin: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Then start compromising.
Erin: Yes. You know…
Dick: (interjects) Cause it doesn't get any better than that. You find a girl who's orally fixated?
Erin: Oh, it does. It can.
Dick: That's the top.
Erin: Is it? (skeptical)
Erin: For you, but not for some people. The top might be other…(stammers)
Maddox: Dick's a top.
Erin: Other things. Like butt things might be the top for some people.
Dick: Okay, good!
Dick: That's a strong number two! I'll take that one.
Erin: I'm not…I'm not…anyway. I'm not a fan of that, but I'm saying some people…everyone's list is different, is the point.
Erin: Everyone's top is different. Right?
Dick: Alright. I got some comments. (Erin snorts and laughs)
Maddox: Okay. (laughs) Smoothest transition. (Erin sighs)
Dick: What, do you wanna transition into and out of everything?
Maddox: I love transitions.
Dick: I dunno. I hate them.
Maddox: I've been killing every single one on this show. (Erin cackles)
Maddox: Speaking of killing, Dick. You got any comments that are gonna kill?
Dick: Eddie Jefferson…"Dick hates toddlers because his face stopped growing when he was a toddler." (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Nathan Lane says, "The kid must have had damn good aim to boot Dick in his face."
Maddox: Mmm, oh, yeah, 'cause it was so small! (laughs)
Dick: You needed that explained to you!?!?
Maddox: I had to think about it for a second, yeah.
Erin: People have really…they've really thought through these comments.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. They spend a lot of time thinking about how to best insult us.
Erin: (whispers) I love it.
Sean: You should see the artwork.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Erin: Whoa, what?! There's artwork?
Maddox: We just posted one…actually, thanks for purchasing the bonus episode, guys. We just posted some artwork, some fan work that we…we get so much sometimes we don't even have time to talk about it, but check out the bonus episode page. We posted a fan work…the fan art from, I think his name is Stephen Ballou. Bilou. Bellou. Something. Anyway, uh, he sent in some amazing fan…we get so much fan work every…
Maddox: Every episode.
Erin: That's amazing. Seriously.
Maddox: Yeah. And then we also get calls like this. This is from a long time listener to the show. Um, she's not a big fan of the show.
Maddox: Erin. Her name is…we have a fan. I met him several times in DC. Good guy. His name's Angelo.
Maddox: But his mom…
Dick: Oh, fuck this!!
Maddox: His mom…(giggles)
Maddox: Is not a fan of the show, specifically, Dick. Uh…
Dick: No, she loves Maddox.
Maddox: She loves Maddox.
Maddox: Well, here's what…
Dick: She'll eat his gumbo every day of the week. (Erin laughs)
Dick: She'll jamba his laya.
Maddox: Erin, she would appreciate it. That's a woman who appreciates gumbo.
Dick: Mhmm. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Here's what she said most recently. She called in and left this. Here we go.
(Clip starts, Angelo's Mom: "Listen, you pig!! Pig!!")
Dick: Who's she talking to? (giggles)
Maddox: You. (laughing)
("Pig!! Listen!! You, the nastiest…oh boy! You are a hideous…you are a hick! Hick! Hick!!")
Dick: A hick!? (surprised)
Erin: A hick?
Dick: She's from Greece. She doesn't know insults.
("My God! That's it. That's the only way I can describe you! You not a human! You not a human! You are a pig!!")
("Shame on you, you sucker cocker sucker!!") (they crack up) ("And…nincompoop!!")
Erin: Oh, my gosh.
Maddox: You sucker cocker sucker! What do you have to say about that, Dick?!
Dick: You know what? Before Burning Man, that would have really upset me. (Erin laughs)
Dick: But now…
Erin: He's zen.
Dick: I'm just…I'm super zen.
Maddox: Super zen, huh?
Dick: Kind of…the rantings of an insane woman don't affect me.
Maddox: (laughing) Oh, you're calling her insane?
Maddox: I don't think she'd like that, Dick. You're just goading her.
Erin: I feel like that means that you're a big deal when you get those kind of messages.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. We're the biggest deals.
Dick: It doesn't. Trust me. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. Um…
Dick: You got anything?
Maddox: I do. I have one last thing. Uh…this is sent in from Poo Police. (Erin groans, concerned)
Maddox: It's a song about…our good friend and audio engineer, Sean.
Dick: Oh, cool.
Maddox: Listen to this.
Sean: "I jump on you guys kinda too much sometimes."
Maddox: "No, not at all."
Dick: "That's true, you do jump on us way too much."
Sean: "I do that."
Theme song starts)
(Dick cracks up)
Maddox: "Can't be on top during sex if you're morbidly obese."
Dick: "Did you have that problem when you were overweight?"
Sean: "You could crush your hand."
Dick: "What do you mean?!"
Maddox: "Fuck you, Sean." "You know, Dick, I feel bad for you sometimes."
Sean: "Yeah. We got Haley Joel Osmont over here." (Maddox laughs)
Dick: "What the fuck?! Fuck you, Sean!!" (Maddox still laughing)
Maddox: "I have turned down more virgins in my life than fucking virgins exist."
Sean: "But now he's staying away from elementary schools, so…")
(they all laugh, Erin giggles)
Dick: "You remember last week we were talking about the first things we jerked off to."
Dick: "Mine was the American Gladiators, specifically Elektra and Diamond."
Sean: "It wasn't Nitro and Malibu?"
Dick: "Hey, fuck you, Sean!")
(they all laugh)
(Dick: "You penis-judging prick! Fuck you!")
(Dick: "I don't want to see a bunch of Legos having sex. Like, it doesn't look real."
Maddox: "I mean…"(stammers)
Sean: "What if the Lego woman was pregnant?" (Maddox laughs)
Dick: "Do you need to put a spoiler on the Millennium Falcon?! Why?! That was the whole poi…what, Sean?"
Sean: "Persian Racing Rims?"
Dick: "You shut your fucking mouth, Sean!!")
(they all crack up)
(Theme song continues throughout…
Dick: "When you're pregnant, you gotta have conversations about whether or not you're gonna abort a retarded kid."
Maddox: "I'll have that conversation day and night, buddy. I have had that conversation in bars and restaurants."
Maddox: "It's an interesting thing…"
Sean: "But seriously, ma'am, I'll let you get back to your dinner."
(they all crack up again)
(Dick: "It is definitely not acceptable to delete one out of 31 podcasts."
Dick: "I don't want it to seem like you think it's acceptable to do that, right?"
Sean: "No. And I've never done it with anything important, so…"
Dick: "Oh, fuck you!"
Maddox: "Okay. Fuck you, Sean.")
(they all laugh, Erin guffaws)
(Maddox: "I have some of those seventies shorts that you were talking about? My balls came out one time." (laughs)
Dick: "That's what you want. That's considered a win."
Sean: "And that's why he's not allowed in Chuck E. Cheese anymore."
Maddox: "No, I will say this, though, the balls came out on a bike ride."
(cricket sound effect)
Maddox: Yeah, my balls came out on a bike ride.")
Dick: What is that?!
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Maddox: That was…that was one of the jokes that Sean made that didn't land. He incl…anyway, he included…that was a supercut of all your jokes, Sean.
Sean: Was that the end of it?!
Maddox: That was the end of it, yeah.
Sean: I have a feeling it goes on waaaaaay longer. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: No, that's it, Sean.
Dick: You're not that funny.
Maddox: You're not that funny, Sean!!
Dick: Alright. What is this…
Erin: I thought it was funny!
Maddox: (laughing) Oh, Erin. You got…you got Erin on your side. Team Sean, Erin over here.
Erin: Yaaaaaaaaay!!! (claps)
Maddox: Great. Dick and I are on each other's teams.
Dick: Can we not have a clip…this is a clip show that we're doing now.
Maddox: (sighs) No. (Erin laughs) Alright.
Dick: Here's a segway for you! I got one of my bits, too. (grins) A bit I haven't played in a long time.
(Clip starts, porno music…"The Biggest Problem in the Universe presents…erotic stories from real men.")
Dick: You remember this one?
Maddox: Yeaaah. Vaguely.
Dick: Vaguely. This is from…let's call him James. I don't know. He probably actually wants his name read, but we'll see. (Erin giggles) You tell me by the end of it.
Dick: "Dear Dick, I've been listening to the podcast since the first episode and I've been a fan of yours since I saw you telling that fat bitch to hit a treadmill on Dr. Phil." His words. (Maddox laughs) "I'm writing in relation to that fuckwit that called in last week saying he tried to use the 'What's your dad like?' line at a party. That guy's a cunt. Of course you don't use it as a pickup line. You have to subtly sneak it in there." What do you thi…Erin, what do you think of that line?
Erin: What's the line?
Dick: What's your dad like?
Erin: What's your dad like?
Dick: You ask someone what their dad is like. You ask a woman what her dad is like.
Erin: I mean…
Dick: You're making a face of disgust.
Erin: Oh, oh. Yeah. It's just weird, 'cause I'm not thinking sexually about my dad, but now I'm thinking about my dad, so I'm not gonna…whoever asks me that, I'm not gonna look at in a sexual way after that.
Dick: Okay, so you think that's bad advice.
Maddox: Can I tell you why I…Dick, it works sometimes for Dick.
Erin: Tell me.
Maddox: Is that…I think…he and I…know this, and we use it for different reasons. I avoid it for this reason.
Maddox: And Dick uses it for this reason. It's 'cause sometimes, if they have a bad relationship with their father…
Maddox: It puts them in a negative headspace.
Maddox: That's why I avoid it, and that's why Dick uses it.
Erin: But here's the other thing. (Maddox laughs) Here's the other reason it could work, though.
Erin: Because you're acting like you care in some way.
Dick: Yess! There you go! And then they're talking.
Erin: This is why I'm a dating expert.
Dick: And as they're talking, their intimacy is growing.
Erin: I know.
Dick: They think…they're sharing personal stories with you.
Erin: I know. I don't like it, but it could work.
Dick: Ahaaaaaaaa. (grins) I'll take it.
Erin: Mhmm. (scoffs)
Dick: Alright. I know…James says, "I know this, because one year ago, you gave me the Kryptonite to a woman's sexual defenses. Your advice lost me my virginity."
Dick: "And gave me immeasurable self confidence."
Dick: You can't buy that.
Erin: That's true…actually, you can. But, go on.
Dick: It's called liquor. You're right. (Erin laughs) "I am a nerd! And it is almost impossible for me to find a woman. So imagine my luck when I met this 9 out of 10 busty, (E-cup)" he puts in parentheses. Right? Oh, my god. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: E cup!?
Dick: That's…right!? Do they even go that high?!
Erin: That's pretty big! Yes, they do.
Dick: "Chin…E-cup Chinese girl online."
Maddox: Oh, get out!!!! An E-cup Chinese girl…(giggles)
Erin: Wait…are they real? Mmmmmm. (skeptical)
Dick: We don't even know if it's a woman at this point.
Dick: It could be a man.
Maddox: That's the Yao Ming of Chinese women. (they laugh)
Dick: "She was FOB (fresh off the boat)."
Maddox: Ohhhhhh boy.
Erin: Ohhhhhhhh, this guy's a little racist.
Maddox: This guy sounds like a real prize. (Dick laughs)
Erin: Lil racist.
Maddox: Yeah. "I can't find a girl because I'm a nerd! I'm such a nerd. That's the reason. I'm a neeeeeeerd."
Erin: "No, I'm just a little bit racist."
Dick: This is a real man. This is an erotic story from a real man. (Erin giggles) "And was pretty lonely, so that was a good sign." (Erin laughs) "We started chatting and got pretty close. We chatted for a couple of hours each day before finally meeting up after we were done with exams."
Erin: Mmm. (curious but also worried)
Dick: "It was a first date. I had dinner at her place and we started watching some shitty sitcom, 'Young and Hungry' on the laptop in her bedroom." Oh, see, I would say that's…you're ready to go.
Erin: Yeah. You're in her bedroom.
Dick: Okay, well. See, sometimes the line is needed for…(Erin laughs) Even when you've already won, you don't know, it's…
Erin: That's true. You never know.
Dick: " There was an awkward silence, and I knew, if I was gonna have any chance with this girl, I would have to pull her emotional strings. So I brought up the subject of family. I asked her what her family was like and she was hesitant. She only…"
Erin: Yeah, I kinda hate this. Go on. (Dick cackles)
Erin: Little bit. Go on.
Dick: You hate it?!
Erin: Little bit.
Dick: Do you hate it too!?
Erin: It's so coercive.
Dick: Do you want me to stop?!
Maddox: And also, I specifically mentioned a couple episodes ago that I ask about their family, and then you were like, "No, you have to ask about the dad!" But he asked about the family.
Dick: That's…I'm getting there.
Maddox: So what…yeah. What's…
Sean: The dad could have drowned all her sisters or something.
Erin: Ugh. (disgusted)
Maddox: That's why I avoid it, Sean, it's bad. It's taboo. So what happened?
Dick: "I then asked about her dad and she said it was complicated."
Erin: Oh. (disgusted) Oh. (groans)
Maddox: Ugh. Geez.
Dick: What?!? You hate this. You obviously hate this. You wanna cut it?!
Erin: I hate it, too.
Maddox: No, no, go on. Go on. I wanna hear it, yeah.
Dick: "She told me her biological father died when she was young." (Erin groans) "And her stepdad died recently."
Dick: "And she has trouble trusting people." Oh, my god.
Erin: Oh my gosh!!!
Dick: Oh my gosh, right? This is what you're talking about. This is a nightmare scenario!
Erin: This is a triple whammy! Ugh.
Dick: "She also told me her biological dad ate her dog."
Dick: "I almost laughed, because it was the most Asian thing I had ever heard." (Maddox cracks up) (Sean groans) "Anyway…she…"
Erin: Oh…oh my God.
Maddox: That was the most Asian thing he's ever heard?!!?
Sean: You didn't add that line?!
Dick: No!!!!!! (yells) I didn't! This is a real erotic story!!
Maddox: I believe it coming from the guy.
Erin: How is this erotic?!
Maddox: Yeah. Well…
Erin: It gets there? (apprehensive)
Maddox: It gets there. We're getting to…I'm sure.
Dick: Anyway. "She said it gets really tough and hard for her to focus on being positive, so I said, "Maybe I should take your mind off things."" (Erin gasps)
Maddox: Oh, my gosh!!! (Dick guffaws, Sean cracks up) What a real…
Erin: Shut uuuuuuuuup!
Maddox: …piece of shit this guy…
Dick: What do you mean, a piece of shit?!
Maddox: This is a Dick acolyte. A piss dribbler. This is what…this is the advice they listen to. Go on.
Dick: "Before leaning in to kiss her. I could hear her breathing heavily as I nibbled that little bitch's earlobe." (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Does he say that?!
Dick: He's saying all of this!!!! "And when I leaned in, I kissed her neck while caressing up her thigh." Here's where it gets really erotic.
Erin: Mmmm? (concerned)
Dick: "The layers of clothes came off, which revealed her rock melon-like blossoms." That's weird.
Dick: Yeah. "They had the perfect nipple to areola to breast to chest ratio." That's a lot of numbers. That's hot for you.
Erin: Oh, my God. That's a lot of analyzing.
Dick: You know what I'm talking about.
Dick: "Her snatch was so wet, I almost slipped on the floor." (Erin laughs, Maddox gags) "Then I proceeded to bang her in the Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon position." (Sean cracks up)
Erin: This is so racist.
Maddox: Oh, my God.
Dick: That's racist?! He says he did it to respect her culture. (they all crack up, clapping) "After 20 minutes of glorious sex…" (Erin sighs, laughing) "I was free from the shackles of being a virgin, and I have you to thank for it. Thank you, Dick. You're the greatest mentor I have ever had. Your Australian worshipper, James."
(Sound effect: Booing)
Erin: So…why are we booing?!
(Porno music starts again…"You've been listening to a presentation of...")
Dick: Yeah, why are we booing this guy losing his virginity? That's a big deal.
Maddox: That guy should stay a virgin! (Erin cracks up) I…can I veto his virginhood?
Maddox: Can I veto that sex?
Dick: You can't. You can't.
Maddox: He deserved…what a piece of shit!
Erin: Yeah, it sucks.
Maddox: He's the most racist…uh, loser.
Erin: It is a little racist. Yeah.
Maddox: And he's one of those…you know what he is? You know what he is, Erin?
Erin: What? What, tell me.
Maddox: And correct me if I'm wrong.
Maddox: He is a Friend Zone guy.
Erin: For sure.
Maddox: Where he…like, if a girl…if he strikes out with a girl he says, "Oh, I've been friendzoned."
Maddox: It's like, no, it's because you're…
Erin: No, You screwed it up.
Maddox: It's cause you screwed up, you're a pussy.
Maddox: You're…you're too much of a coward to seal the deal and now you're blaming it on the woman.
Erin: Well, and it smells of…it reeks of pickup artistry.
Dick: Yeah! (proud)
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) (Erin cracks up)
Erin: I mean, that's what it is. Like…"Oh, let's talk about it and let's make her really vulnerable about both her dads dying and all of this stuff." And then…
Dick: And eating a dog!
Erin: Yeah, eating a dog. And say some racist stuff, and then I get to have sex with her. Oh, my god. The question is, did he have sex with her again? Probably not.
Dick: What do you mean? Why!?
Erin: Are you kidding me?
Dick: You don't think he would go back for seconds?!
Erin: Well, do you think SHE would say…yeah.
Dick: Probably boned her again 30 minutes later, right?
Maddox: Oh, my god. (Sean laughs)
Erin: Terrible. (Dick cracking up)
Erin: Terrrrrrrrrrrible. (groans)
Dick: Alright. Can we do problems now? This is taking too long.
Maddox: Yeah. Let's get to the problems, guys.
Erin: That was a good story, though, by the way.
Dick: Thank you.
Dick: Thank you, James. Congratulations, buddy. (Maddox giggles) You earned it.
Maddox: Oh, and I should mention that Soundcloud account earlier, that I meant, Poo Police, it's actually by Joe Forsythe. He comments all the time in the page, too, so.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Thank you, Joe! Anyway, my problem this week. This might be the biggest problem in the universe in terms of the sexual universe, at least.
Maddox: It's Poly-Evangelists.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: Huh??! (grins)
Erin: Interesting. Interesting.
Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause…okay. So, first I should mention that way Erin and I met is…
Maddox: Is at a dating show.
Maddox: It was a Tinder dating show, where…
Erin: Live show.
Maddox: Live show. Mhmm. Where a bunch of people showed up and everybody hopped on Tinder in the audience.
Maddox: And we all tried to see how quickly we could match each other and if we could match someone in the room.
Erin: And we were viewing each other's profiles.
Erin: So there was a big screen, and as a dating expert, and as an amazing guy, Maddox and I looked at their profiles and said, "Oh, we like that, oh that's not good, oh their pictures are great or terrible, or whatever."
Maddox: We critiqued their profiles in real time.
Dick: Can…is there any way that we can get the terrorists to attack events like this? (they crack up)
Erin: It was so fun!!!
Dick: I would be…I would write in Osama Bin Laden for president if he could just hit these kinds of groups. Go ahead.
Erin: Awww. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. All we have to do is draw a few cartoons, get them all over our ass. (Erin and Maddox sigh) Okay, so…so at this event, one of our good friends, our mutual friend, is, I would say, a polyevangelist, right?
Erin: Will you describe exactly what you mean by "evangelist"?
Erin: With the poly.
Maddox: So, polyevangelism is somebody who is…who partakes in the polyamorous scene..or poly…
Maddox: Polyamory. Do you know what the definition of polyamory is?
Erin: Um, I believe it's "many loves", so to speak.
Erin: Poly and amorous. Or amory.
Maddox: Basically someone who bangs everyone. Um, and…I love this guy, and he's a great dude, but…
Erin: But respectfully, and everyone's on the same page and knows that they're having sex with multiple people.
Maddox: Yeah, of course.
Erin: So it's not cheating. There's a difference.
Erin: People confuse the two.
Maddox: There's a huge difference.
Maddox: It's on the up and up.
Maddox: But…everyone I know who is a polyevangelist, and not just polyamorous, but a polyevangelist…
Maddox: Can't stop talking about it. It's all…
Erin: So there's a soapbox involved.
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause they know it's a fucking lie. (Maddox laughs) That's why they can't…they want validation, 'cause they know it's all bullshit.
Erin: No, but why do you…oh my god, there's so much to talk about. Why do you say it's a lie? In what way is it a lie?
Dick: I think polyamory is for people who are too big of cowards to just not outright cheat. Like, they don't want to lose the relationship…
Maddox: It's not cheating, though.
Dick: Yeah, but it's fucking somebody else.
Erin: No, no, no. But what if you're single and then people you meet…you don't have any main partner yet. You're totally single and you meet someone and you're like "Listen, I identify more as polyamorous." So you're not even cheating with anyone straight off the bat.
Dick: I think that the world we're in now is so insane that we have to walk through the process of meeting someone, falling in love, and having a sexual relationship with them. Now, the most misogynistic person on the Internet is explaining to people the basics of courtship and attraction! Do we understand that?! (Erin and Maddox giggle) Do we understand that a person who is proud of that is explaining to everybody, "Yeah, you meet someone, you court them, you talk to them, you get to know them, chemicals in your brain cause you to experience love, and then you kinda want to just fuck only them and feel safe with them for a certain amount of time. Then it wears off. Then you start drinking. Then you start hanging out with your friends. Then you start lying about where you've been. (Erin giggles) Then you play too many video games. Then you start talking to a girl online who's just a friend, and then eventually, you fuck up one night, 'cause you got to drunk and fuck her. You're afraid to tell your girlfriend, so you start fighting with her a lot and blame her for doing the same thing with other guys that she's talking to at work!!! 'Cause they all are! And then you break up!! (Maddox laughs) In a big fight at TGI Friday's on Saturday!!! (Maddox, Erin, and Sean are laughing) You get back together on Sunday because you gotta take her to your parents' house and you're not gonna tell them that you guys broke up, 'cause it's fucking embarrassing, so you string it along for a couple more weeks until you just kinda stop seeing each other 'cause one of you moves to New York!! (yelling)
Maddox: Oh, my god. (Erin cheers)
Dick: Right!? That's what a relationship is!!! (Erin laughs) It's not all this weird shit with polyamory…
Erin: (interjects) Yeah, 'cause that sounds way healthier and way more desirable.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) That sounds awesome.
Dick: It's worked for 10,000 years. (Erin and Maddox laugh)
Erin: But has it? Has it?
Dick: I…I don't know. I don't wanna interrupt…I don't wanna interrupt your problem.
Erin: That was amazing, by the way. And a little too close to home, sounds like.
Maddox: Yeah, uh…It is. It is, Erin. (she laughs) It is really close to home.
Maddox: I mean, but Dick, like, here's the thing. I think that there's something in the middle. You represent one extreme.
Dick: Thank you.
Maddox: Right? (Erin and Maddox laugh) You represent one side of that ideology. The opposite side of the ideology, I would say, which is traditionalist. That's a traditionalist view.
Maddox: Which is find a relationship.
Erin: Yes. One relationship.
Maddox: Get bored with it. One relationship, yeah. Get bored with it.
Maddox: And then you…you are okay with cheating, right?
Dick: Well…I've done it.
Dick: I couldn't say I'd never do it again, cause that would be insane.
Erin: How is that worse? How is that better…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, how is that better?
Erin: …than dating multiple people and everyone knowing and being okay with it.
Dick: I'll tell you why. 'Cause this is what I really think about polyamory.
Dick: I think one person in there is getting conned. Is getting sold a bill of polyamory and they're getting strung along…
Dick: Because when people say polyamory…
Dick: They're phrasing it in a way that's very manipulative, that you can't argue with. They want it to be "open". They want YOU to experience this love, too. "Oh, baby, we've only…I've only ever banged a couple people. We need to experience more of life!" and the other person's like "Well, I can't say no."
Erin: Yes, you can!!
Dick: Well, you can, but…
Dick: But then you're gonna get hit with it again and again. It's a sales technique.
Erin: (interjects) Yeah, but, you know what?
Dick: You can say no to a new car…go ahead.
Erin: Yes? No, no, no. But I agree with you. But I'd much rather know what I'm buying than have no idea and then, you know, six months later, somebody says, "Oh, I saw your friend driving this new car. Did you know that they had this car?"
Erin: You know nothing about.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Erin: And, oh, and that car has bad brakes and you might get a disease from it.
Maddox: Right, right, right. If you're up front about that…
Dick: You might get a disease…you can get herpes from a car. That's true.
Erin: What?! (skeptical) Did an ex-girlfriend tell you this?
Dick: That's sexual misinformation. No, I've told them that. (Erin and Dick laugh)
Maddox: I've been in a relationship like that, Erin, where…where it was near the end of the relationship. I mentioned this a couple episodes ago.
Maddox: 'Cause Dick brought in…was it cheating or cheaters as your problem?
Maddox: I think it was cheating.
Maddox: And it was kind of ambiguous, because it seemed like you brought it in as a problem but you didn't really have a problem with it. Which was confusing to me. (Erin giggles) Because I…when I get to the point…
Dick: (interjects) Well, I brought in armchair psychology and I do that as well.
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: Still a problem.
Maddox: When I get to that point in a relationship, I feel like…we talked about this, Erin, right before this broadcast too. On Periscope.
Maddox: We…when I get to that point, I feel like I would rather tell that person up front.
Maddox: And say, "Look, I am interested in having sex with other people."
Maddox: "And I know this is really shitty to hear from somebody." Dick's rolling his eyes. (giggles) I'm surprised you can't hear him rolling his eyes!
Maddox: But I…I feel like it sucks to tell somebody you love that information.
Erin: Of course.
Maddox: But it sucks even worse for them to find out on their own that you did it behind their back, because betrayal is way worse!
Erin: I totally agree. And I'll add to that. To be with someone and you can tell that something's off or weird or they're losing affection for you, but they're just not saying it to you…I hate that crap. I just broke…I was dating somebody. Quick story here. I was dating a couple of guys earlier this year.
Erin: And both of them knew.
Dick: You're polyamorous?
Erin: I don't like to label, but I also tell people that I date. Depending on where I am in my life at the time.
Erin: Plus, people know I'm a dating expert, so my life's probably a little untraditional anyway.
Erin: But I say, "You know, I'm not looking for anything super serious right now." But if something develops, great. All of this to say, one of the guys, after about six months of dating was like, "Listen, I think you're really great and I'm so comfortable with you, but I think that we ultimately want different things, so we should probably stop dating now." And that was like, you know what? That's hard to hear, but I'd much rather hear that then…I could tell something had shifted in him. So rather than me just be like, "I feel like something's weird, but I'm just gonna ignore it." And then he cheat on me, or whatever. I'm like, "No, dude, just tell me what the deal is. I can take it." And he told me that. And we broke up. And we're friends, and it's cool.
Dick: And you were…were you still dating another guy during that?
Erin: Yeah. But he knew. He knew.
Maddox: I've dated girls, too, where they wanted that commitment from me.
Maddox: And I told them, "I'm not ready to give you that commitment, because I'm dating other people."
Maddox: And…but if you do it behind their back, then it's doubly shitty.
Dick: Then it's…uh-huh..
Maddox: Because on one hand, you're a coward, and on the second hand, you're inconsiderate.
Maddox: Because you are potentially opening them up to other sexually transmitted diseases that they might not know.
Dick: Oh, please! Dr…with the health angle. Don't fucking try that shit here!! (Erin laughs)
Erin: He's right, though! He's right!
Dick: Like he's always worried about public safety. (she laughs) Look, I'm…I'm…
Maddox: (interjects) It's not public safety, it's somebody I care about.
Dick: I'm giving them a fairy tale fantasy.
Maddox: Okay. (scoffs)
Erin: Oh, boy.
Dick: I'm just into you.
Erin: Or a nightmare.
Dick: That's it. Whatever you want. That's what I am.
Erin: That's terrible!
Maddox: No, you're that box of chocolates, where…
Dick: (interjects) Until I turn into foam. (they all laugh)
Maddox: Ahh, you'll see.
Dick: Then I'm fucking gone!
Erin: Oh, no!!!
Maddox: I'm making a video about that. Uh, you're that box of chocolates where everything looks good on the outside.
Dick: Yes. Yeah.
Maddox: And then on the inside, you bite in, and everything is that bullshit…
Dick: And it's mayonnaise.
Maddox: …pink nougat. Yeah. (Erin and Maddox laugh)
Erin: Pink nougat!!
Maddox: Pink nougat. That pink fucking nougat.
Erin: That's the worst.
Erin: I totally know those. They're the worst chocolates ever.
Maddox: It's too sweet. It sticks to your teeth. It tastes like nothing.
Maddox: But it's like…
Erin: Empty calories. Just a bunch of whatever.
Maddox: Garbage. Garbage chocolate. Garbage chocolate Dick. (Erin snorts)
Dick: I think it's a fucking con.
Dick: I think you guys can sell it. But I do think polyamory is a con.
Maddox: Look, man. I'm not gonna defend it, and I'm not a polyevangelist. But I…
Dick: You can barely get one girl, let alone two at a time, right?!
Maddox: Okay. Please. (Erin laughs) Like I said last episode, Dick. I've never had normal sex. Every time I've had sex, it's been a threesome. (they laugh)
Erin: He laughs as soon as he says it.
Dick: He's got…he's got two hands. That's why it's a threesome.
Dick: One goes up the butt. (Maddox laughs) Right? I…no, look. I just talked to a girl at Burning Man.
Maddox: Oh. (scoffs)
Dick: I was…I don't wanna just tell the…
Erin: Which is, like, polyamory central, by the way.
Dick: Ehhh. Have you ever been?
Erin: No, but I have a bunch of friends who go…have been going for 15 years.
Maddox: Yeah. And they can't shut the fuck up about it! (Erin laughs) We all know what happens at Burning Man! We know about the orgy tent! We know everybody fucks everyone! We know, we know, we know!!! Everybody…okay.
Maddox: What's the Burning Man story?
Dick: This poor girl. (Maddox and Erin crack up) Was at this…poor, beautiful girl.
Dick: Was at the soulmate trading center camp. The Costco.
Dick: It's Burning Man. And I start talking to her and this is…she'd just been through a nine year relationship that devolved into polyamory.
Erin: Well, that never works.
Erin: You can't go from monogamy to poly.
Erin: You gotta start poly.
Maddox: You have to start that way.
Erin: 'Cause you've already established some level of connection with the two of you only that to bring another person in later is just gonna cause a bunch of effed up head games.
Dick: So this lim…
Erin: (interjects) You start off. Yes.
Dick: This limbo of attachment can only exist without being…like, you can't..
Erin: You gotta start with that. Start polyamorous.
Dick: Okay. Well that makes my point better than anything I could say, then!
Maddox: What were you gonna say about her, though?
Erin: Yeah. Tell us.
Dick: Well, she was…she was destroyed. She was heartbroken by it.
Dick: Like, it was like she was waking up after a bad nine-year dream.
Dick: I had to take her back to my tent and hook up with her. (Erin laughs) Immediately.
Erin: Poor thing!!! Ugh.
Dick: So…it was…yeah.
Dick: Eh, go ahead. This is your problem. What else do you have to say about polyamory?
Maddox: Yeah. I haven't even gotten into it.
Maddox: I wanna ta…I wanna say. One of the things that annoys me so much about polyevangelists. Is that there's so much jargon. That comes associated with it. It…it's not just a lifestyle, it's also a homework assignment. (Erin laughs) You have to…you really have to study. In fact, I have a game here, I wanna play with you guys.
Erin: Ooh, I like games.
Maddox: I have a bunch of terms. This is…like, every poly website I've gone to, which is a lot. For research. (Erin laughs) Every poly website.
Dick: Do you wanna get into this? Are you a swinger now?
Maddox: No. Uh-uh.
Erin: That's a different thing, by the way. But go on.
Dick: Oh, GOD!!!!
Maddox: It…it is…(laughs) Erin, you're gonna do very well at this game. (she laughs) It's the poly glossary. Every website has one, and they all discuss all the different terms and acronyms and…there's so many.
Maddox: Anyway. I wanna play this game with you guys. I wanna see if you guys can guess what the definition of…
Erin: I love it!
(Game show theme starts)
Maddox: Of some of these words are. Alright. We're playing the…the polyevangelist glossary game. Alright, guys. Here's the first one. "Fomo". Eff, oh, em, oh. What is a fomo?
Erin: Fear of missing out.
Maddox: Oh my god, that's correct, Erin!!!!! (laughing)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Correct. It is fear of missing out.
Dick: Little excited on the buzzer over here, alright.
Erin: That's not a poly term, though.
Dick: No, it's not.
Erin: It's just a life millennial term.
Maddox: Sorry, I should have let you guess as well, Dick.
Dick: We've had no successful games from that side of the table so far. (Erin laughs) So this would be a first.
Dick: Go ahead.
Erin: I love it!
Sean: I thought it was a homosexual relationship over the phone. (Erin cracks up)
Dick: No, that seems accurate!
Dick: In the context of the game.
Erin: That's pretty good. That was pretty good. That was pretty good.
Maddox: Okay. I didn't spell it, so I can see how you could mistake that (yes, you did!!!)
Dick: Here's another poly term. "BRB" (Erin laughs) Do you know what that means?
Erin: Be right back. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Go ahead, I'm sorry. Go ahead. What's the next one? (laughing)
Maddox: Alright. "Queening". Queening.
Maddox: I want everyone to chime in before I say the correct answer.
Erin: Is that when the…oh man. I have an idea, but I don't know.
Dick: That's when you're…that's when you're shitting out a sparkly poop. (Erin giggles) It's like crowning, but it's fancier.
Erin: Is it when a girl is kind of in charge of the dynamic? The relationship dynamic, and the guy kind of bows down to her in some way, sexually?
Maddox: Oooh, close.
Maddox: And Sean, do you have any answer?
Sean: No answer.
Maddox: Okay. I'm gonna give it to Erin, because..
Maddox: Erin, you get a half a point for that. 'Cause what it is…it's also known as face sitting.
Erin: Ohhhhhh! Yes.
Maddox: The act involves a person who consensually forces another person. Consensually forces another person. Into mouth-to-genital or mouth-to-anal contact. And then the author's note: "Going ass-to-mouth is optional." So, anyway.
Erin: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Where's your health safety now?
Dick: That's meningitis, brother.
Erin: Do it…do it safely.
Maddox: Yeah. Wash. (laugh)
Erin: Dental dams!
Maddox: Dental…(laughs) Gross.
Erin: Or Saran Wrap.
Dick: This is the lifestyle you guys are living. You poly guys are living.
Erin: You don't know!!! (grins)
Maddox: I'm not this person!
Dick: You're slapping condoms on your tongue.
Erin: You don't know that I'm living this!
Maddox: What's a "dyad", guys? Next question. Dyad. Dee, Why, Ay, Dee. Dyad. And you can ask it to be used in a conversation. In a sentence.
Erin: Yes, please use it in a sentence.
Maddox: "My boyfriend is a dyad."
Dick: I have no idea what is a dyad.
Erin: (laughing) That's a terrible sentence.
Maddox: Okay. Here's a correct sentence. "I'm in a dyadic relationship with my boyfriend."
Erin: Does that mean that that person has two boyfriends?
Sean: But it's not dee, eye. It's dee why.
Maddox: Dee why.
Erin: Shoot. I don't know.
(Sound effect: "Wrong buzzer")
Maddox: I'm sorry, you guys are all idiots. (Erin laughs) It is…something that consists of two elements or parts, so a boyfriend-girlfriend diad. So that's just a normal relationship. They have a fucking term, dyad…
Sean: Why is it…why is it dee why? (dy)
Dick: Oh, I…
Erin: (interjects) Yeah, that's weird.
Maddox: I don't know. It just is.
Erin: That's weird.
Maddox: It's the fucking poly scene, man. Get with it, Sean.
Sean: Stupid. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Cowboy. What's a cowboy? Next question.
Dick: You're looking at him, buddy.
Erin: I don't know.
Maddox: Nope. Well, maybe. (laughs)
Erin: Oh. Uh-oh.
Maddox: What do you say? What do you say, Erin?
Erin: Um…I would say a guy who insists on having sex without protection.
Maddox: No, I'm sorry. Sean, any answers?
Dick: Wow, that was a good guess.
Erin: Thank you.
Dick: Based on the clues.
Sean: I have no idea. (irritated) (Erin laughs)
Maddox: A male who tries to single out a poly partner for a monogamous relationship with them. That's a cowboy.
Dick: Like a poacher?
Erin: Oh, interesting.
Erin: I didn't know that term. Hmm.
Maddox: Okay. Here's an easy one. What's a pansexual?
Erin: Someone who…is involved with anyone, regardless of gender.
Dick: No, it's someone who fucks Teflon pans. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: I'm gonna give it to Dick on this one.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: It is somebody who fucks Teflon pans.
Dick: Yeah. It is.
Maddox: I'm sorry, Erin.
(Sound effect: Applause)
Erin: What the heck?!
Dick: I know that one.
Maddox: Not so smart now, dating girl.
Erin: No, that is it!!!
Maddox: Dating Advice Girl.
Dick: No, my friend is a pansexual.
Maddox: Yeah. Fucks Teflon.
Dick: He cooks up some cinnamon rolls every Saturday night.
Maddox: Mhmm. (Erin laughs)
Dick: And fucks the pan. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Puts his dick right in that glaze. Adds some to it.
Erin: Oh, my god.
Maddox: No, it is…Erin was correct. It's the attraction to all sexes and/or genders, and/or attractions. Is gender blind. So somebody who is gender blind?
Erin: Yeah, they don't see gender.
Maddox: Okay…well, that's…
Erin: They just see beautiful people.
Maddox: Then they're blind. Then they're just regularly blind. (Erin guffaws) That's just normal blind. If you don't see gender. Okay…here's…here's…(giggles)
Dick: But isn't that bisexual?
Erin: No, because…
Dick: What's pansexual?
Erin: You could be…you could be, you know, male identifying as female, female identifying as male. You could be born male, you could be born female. You could be…
Dick: Right. (sighs) I'm regretting…
Erin: There's just a lot of…mhmm.
Dick: You know what? I'm glad…I'm still stupid enough to ask that question.
Maddox: Yep. (sighs)
Erin: I know a lot.
Maddox: Guys, here's another easy one. Here's one that I think you'll get, you guys. Sean, I think you got this one. (Erin scoffs) What is a "hot bi babe"?
Erin: Oh, I don't know this.
Dick: Hot bi babe?
Erin: I mean, is it just a hot bisexual woman?
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Sean: That's what I would guess.
Maddox: It's….well, actually, so, they go in more detail. It says, "It's a mythical female that some couples seek. She is supposed to be equally attracted to both male and female in the relationship."
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Sean: So, this only exists on, like, sitcoms, and stuff?
Erin: That's like a unicorn!!
Maddox: Yeah. A unicorn.
Erin: A unicorn!
Maddox: It's another word for unicorn.
Erin: Okay, I get a point for that!!!
Erin: Come on!
(Sound effect: "Ding!")
Maddox: Well, I guess you bullied a point out of me. Good job, Erin! (laughs)
Erin: Um, yeah! 'Cause I'm correct! (giggles)
Dick: You queened him!! (Erin cackles)
Maddox: Oh, my god.
Erin: I word-queened him. Word-wise, yes.
Maddox: Okay. Guys, what is…what is a metamour? Metamour.
Erin: I know.
Erin: I know what it is.
Maddox: You know what it is?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Okay, Erin?
Erin: This is why I do what I do!
Dick: Is it like a…Optimus Prime? (Erin giggles)
Maddox: No. It is not. Dick, I'm sorry.
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: Sean? Any guess?
Erin: So…can I…?
Maddox: Erin. Please.
Erin: So, it's basically when there's a polyamorous couple and…uh, say there's a guy who's polyamorous in the middle and he has two girlfriends, the girlfriends are metamours. So they're not…
Erin: The girlfriends aren't dating each other, but they're both girlfriends of the middle guy.
Erin: I love winning!
(Sound effect: "Ding!")
Erin: I love it!
Maddox: And there's also another word for this. It's just a letter, actually. It's a "v".
Maddox: So…so. Yeah. They're the other person's "v". So if you are…you're kind of like a pivot, and you're dating two girls, but neither one are in any type of relationship, either sexual, or platonic, with the other person.
Dick: Do these people have jobs? (Erin laughs)
Dick: Do they sit around and write all these stupid glossaries all day?!
Erin: It takes a lot of time. Yeah.
Maddox: And on that note, what's a paramour?
Erin: Oh, I don't know this.
Maddox: Any lover.
Dick: Yeah, a lo…
Erin: It's a band, isn't it?
Maddox: Yeah. It's just any love. Paramour. Yeah, I guess it…it could be named after that, too. What's a pirate? This one's…I like this one.
Erin: Oh, I don't know.
Maddox: Uh, Dick?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Sean? A pirate used to…used to describe an individual that claims to be poly but who secretly attempts to interfere with an existing relationship…
Erin: (interjects) Oh, see? That's BS.
Dick: Oh. (interested)
Maddox: …in order to take an individual away from that relationship.
Erin: I don't like that.
Dick: I've done that a shitload.
Maddox: Okay. (laughs)
Dick: Is that a….they have a word for that?!
Maddox: A pirate.
Dick: Oh, alright.
Dick: I'm considered…fucking batten down the hatches, baby. I'm coming aboard.
Erin: Guess who's sort of in the polyamory realm now, hmmmm?
Maddox: Who's that? Mhmmm.
Erin: If you're a pirate, that's considered to be in the world of polyamory.
Maddox: Yeah, but…also…
Dick: (interjects) Well, where's my glossary!? (Maddox and Erin laugh)
Maddox: To be…to be fair, Erin, so is a normal relationship. A dyad.
Erin: True. True. True story.
Maddox: They have…they have a term for everyone and everything in here. I mean, the list just goes on and on and on. I could spend the rest of this entire show talking about just these glossary terms.
Dick: No. (tired of it)
Maddox: There's polyandry, polygamy, there's polygyny, which is the state or…what's it. The state or practice of having more than one wife or female mate in your relationship.
Dick: Polygamy. We know what polygamy is, yeah. Multiple…
Maddox: (interjects) No, no. That's polygyny. So specifically wife.
Dick: More than guy.
Maddox: More than one woman is polygyny.
Maddox: But polygamy could be a guy or girl.
Dick: Oh, yeah, right, like there's gonna be a bunch of dudes. (laughs)
Erin: Oh, there are.
Maddox: There are, actually.
Erin: There are. Los Angeles.
Maddox: One of…no!
Dick: Get the fuck outta here! (grins)
Maddox: I worked…no. This was in Utah. I worked with one. (Erin gasps) I worked with this guy who was like, you know, anxiously gay. Which is…(Erin giggles) I like to describe as like he wants to make sure you know he's gay within the first two sentences.
Maddox: And…and on top of that…this was in Utah, by the way. This was back in, like, 1997. Maybe 98.
Maddox: Way back in the day. Uh…he was not only gay, but he was a gay polygamist. So he had multiple husbands.
Erin: Wow! Wow.
Erin: In Utah.
Maddox: Well, it's not that strange in Utah. (laughs) If you think about it.
Maddox: Well, think about…think about Utah's history.
Erin: This is…no, but the gay part of that.
Maddox: Yeah. The gay part is really weird.
Erin: That's amazing. Yeah. Wow.
Maddox: Not only is it rare for somebody to be especially that openly gay in Utah, but also to be a polygamist.
Maddox: Uh…and actually, he would be a polygynist. No, that's wife. He's a polyandr…(Erin laughs) There's one specifically for multiple husbands. That's what he is.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Anyway, guys. This goes on and on. I'll just end on this one here. It's "spice". It's the plural of "spouse".
Dick: Oh, my god.
Maddox: So if you have more than one spouse.
Dick: Kill me. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, I know.
Erin: Yeah, it's a lot.
Dick: So wait, is your problem polygamy, or is it this glossary? What is the problem?
Maddox: No. It's polyevangelists, Dick. 'Cause I know you have this problem with them, too. They can't talk about anything else. And I l…and by the way, the guy that we know, that we have in common, Erin.
Maddox: I love the dude. He's a great dude.
Erin: No, he is a great dude.
Maddox: But…but the polyevangelists, like, that's…
Dick: (interjects) I think he's great also. (Erin and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: It consumes their life. They are…they queen each other.
Dick: Yeah. (Erin guffaws)
Erin: Well, it is…it's…it's…you know what it is, though? I have the same problem with monogamists who are like, "This is the only way, and I judge every other lifestyle."
Erin: I feel like that's your problem. It's people in the polyamory realm who are judgmental to anyone who doesn't agree with that.
Maddox: I can say what you just said in three words.
Erin: Say it.
Maddox: Get a hobby. (Erin laughs)
Dick: Get a hobby.
Erin: That is their hobby!!
Maddox: Exactly. They need another one. They need a new one. They need anything but that, 'cause I am so tired of hearing about it, guys. We know it's great. We know you found your thing. But it's also like any kind of evangelism. Like, evangelism…when you think of the word "evangelist", you think of a Christian evangelist, which is annoying. 'Cause they're sitting there proselytizing to you their religion and their ideology.
Maddox: Well, polyamory is also an ideology and a religion, too. It's their lifestyle.
Maddox: It's their…it's their culture. What do you want to say?
Dick: No. It's a timeshare. (Maddox laughs) That's what it is. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Probably, yeah. That's what it is.
Dick: It's people…it's people who bought a timeshare and they're telling you about how great their timeshare in Cabo is, because they're trying to convince themselves that it's good.
Dick: And that they didn't just buy a piece of shit that they only get for three weeks out of the year. (Erin guffaws)
Erin: Wow, that's actually an interesting analogy.
Dick: That's what it is. Oh, it's interesting, alright, baby.
Maddox: I like that a lot. It's real interesting until you have to listen to it for more than 5 minutes. 5 seconds.
Erin: Hey! I have…I listen to all of these type thing all the time doing what I do.
Maddox: I know.
Erin: But I just want to say that…I will say, again, as a dating expert that everyone's lifestyle choice is their choice, and so there's no right or wrong choice. But I just…I'm with you.
Dick: (interjects) I dis…they're all wrong.
Erin: Wait, wait. But anyone who's on…(laughs)
Dick: Every choice.
Erin: But anyone who's on a soapbox, I get annoyed with.
Erin: So in that realm, I understand.
Maddox: Because if I was…look. For some reason, it's accepted. I shouldn't say accepted. It's tolerated.
Maddox: But…if it were the other way around. If straight people were like, "Hey, you know, you guys should all just be in straight relationships all the time."
Erin: (interjects) Which they do!!!
Dick: Aren't they?!
Maddox: They do, yeah, but they're…they're bigots. They're essentially bigots.
Dick: BIGOTS?! (incredulous)
Maddox: No, no. If they're the ones who are telling people, especially homosexuals.
Maddox: They're like "you should be in straight relationships."
Maddox: "With one other person as God intended." That's annoying, because it's bigotry at that point, right?
Dick: (interjects) Well, now you're describing bigotry. (Erin laughs) So yes. (grins) It definitely is.
Dick: Straight people saying that homosexuality is a sin against God is certainly bigotry.
Maddox: But it's essentially…it's essentially them preaching their beliefs and their lifestyles, no different than polyamorists. Except…
Maddox: We just accept polyamory because eeehhh, it's just a bunch of weirdos fucking each other. (Sean laughs)
Erin: No, but we don't. We don't all accept it. We do in LA, because we're in LA.
Dick: Fat weirdos. (Maddox laughs)
Erin: But a lot of people don't get it. (laughs) (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Like a Ren Faire.
Dick: They are.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh, man.
Dick: It is.
Erin: Awww, I went to that this year!
Dick: It's like a smelly…ohohohooho!!!
Erin: It was so fun! (Maddox laughing) No, it was so fun.
Maddox: Wait, wait, Erin. Did you stay after hours?
Maddox: Okay, after hours…
Dick: That's when they drop the codpieces.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: And the chain mail. (Erin squeals)
Dick: Start clanking swords and jousting each other.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh, yes.
Erin: Oh, my gosh…(laughs)
Dick: Flim-flamming each other. They get on their glib globs.
Dick: Their DLTs.
Maddox: They cosplay into each other's eyes.
Dick: Alright. (Maddox snorts)
Erin: Oh, man.
Dick: Can we get a new problem?
Maddox: All over their faces. Let's get a new problem. Erin, uh…
Dick: (interjects) Timeshare. It's a fucking timeshare. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: It is. I like that analogy a lot.
Erin: That is an interesting analogy.
Maddox: Erin…as our guest.
Erin: Yes. Yes.
Dick: Wait, lemme read…lemme just say that this…
Maddox: Oh yeah, that's right.
Dick: This episode is brought to you by Harry's.
Erin: Ah, yes. (whispers)
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save 5$ off your first purchase. I got a couple people saying that they were having trouble with the promo code.
Dick: So…so everybody go try and use it so we know that it works. (Maddox laughs) Alright?! (Erin giggles) That's what I wanna say! They make…Erin, have you ever heard of Harry's razors before?
Erin: I have not.
Dick: I mean, they're marketing to men, that's why we're reading the ad on this show, 'cause we've got a shitload of manly men…
Dick: Listening who are probably…a lot of them are single and are looking to mingle.
Erin: (gasps) Probably.
Dick: But they also work for women. They're great for…women use shitty razors.
Erin: Yeah, we do.
Dick: You guys use shit razors.
Dick: You gotta use Harry's.
Maddox: Have you ever used a man's razor?
Erin: Okay. I'll try it.
Maddox: Erin, have you ever used a man's…
Erin: Of course.
Dick: If you got a couple guys staying over. (Maddox laughs) And they're bringing their razors in…
Erin: I'm like "Who wants to shave my legs for me, boys?"
Maddox: They're tripping over themselves. (Erin laughs) If you're the V…if you're the V, you got one guy on each leg.
Erin: Mhmm. (laughs)
Maddox: You want them to use a good quality razor!
Maddox: Harry's. (Erin laughs)
Erin: That was awesome.
Dick: http://www.harrys.com was started by two guys who are pas…doesn't say if they're polyamorous or not. Who are passionate about creating a better shaving experience.
Maddox: Yeah, you know how you'd know if they were polyamorous? They'd tell you.
Dick: That's what it would…it would be called "polyamorous shave". (they all laugh)
Maddox: Poly Harry.
Dick: It would be called Harr-polyamorous-ry-polyamorous-'s. (Erin signs)
Maddox: It would be…
Dick: (interjects) Polyamorous shave.
Maddox: It'd be called Harryamory. (Erin laughs) What, nothing?
Dick: Their starting kit is just $15. (giggles) (Maddox and Erin crack up) That includes a razor, three blades, so I know you wanna switch between blades!!!
Maddox: Uh-huh! (grins)
Dick: You got your choice of blades every night of the week!
Erin: I love it. Choices. I like choices.
Dick: And shaving cream OR foaming shave gel.
Dick: As an added bonus, you get $5 off your first purchase with our code "BIGGESTPROBLEM". There you go.
Erin: Sounds great.
Dick: Alright. What's…what is your problem? The beautiful Erin.
Erin: Thank you very much.
Dick: The Dating Advice Girl.
Erin: So my problem is that…from single people, especially in Los Angeles, I hear that there are no quality guys and girls.
Maddox: No quality…no single quality guys and girls, right?
Erin: No single quality guys and girls. All the good guys and girls are taken.
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: I've heard this a lot too, especially with regards to women, and I used to think that, and I still do. (Erin laughs)
Dick: Yes, it's absolutely true. And it's a big problem!! We're not…we're not…we're agreeing with you!
Erin: It is a big problem. It is a big problem, but I would argue that they…that just for whatever reason, these guys and girls aren't meeting each other. They do exist. I feel like. It's a big problem, because most single people think there aren't any quality guys or girls, but I know differently, because I meet them all the time!
Dick: So what would you say the problem is, then?
Erin: That the quality guys and girls are not meeting each other. So they think that there are no quality guys and girls.
Maddox: Well, where are you meeting all these quality guys and girls? I'm really curious.
Dick: Gun clubs.
Maddox: Mostly the girls.
Dick: Donald Trump rallies.
Erin: I do one-on-one coaching with them….(cracks up)
Maddox: Donald Trump rallies. (laughing)
Erin: Donald Trump rallies…
Dick: My life coach and I bought tickets today…(grins)
Maddox: Oh, I bet.
Dick: To go see the Donald Trump rally at the USS Indianapolis.
Maddox: Oh. Ugh. These dopes. (grins)
Dick: $100 a ticket.
Maddox: Two of them together.
Erin: He's a billionaire! What…
Dick: You can never have too much money.
Erin: That's ridiculous. Yeah, clearly.
Maddox: Yeah. Well…
Erin: Clearly. Um, so…I meet them a lot because I go to a lot of singles events and those kind of things.
Erin: Um, but I also…I also feel like a lot of quality guys and girls kind of avoid going out.
Erin: In some weird way, they're afraid to go out, because they're like…"There's nobody out there for me, so I'm just gonna stay home." Or I'm just gonna…we were saying earlier. A lot of single girls that I know are amazing just do brunches with other girls.
Erin: Or, like, do things only with their gender. We're talking hetereosexual relationships.
Dick: Or their dog. They take their little dog out to brunch.
Erin: Yes. But that can be social too!
Dick: And stare into each other's eyes.
Erin: Yes, but you can go…like, dog parks. I know people who've met at dog parks before.
Erin: 'Cause their dogs, like, puppy up to each other, and it's like "rawrawrawrawr" whatever.
Dick: So why do you do that? Why do you think they cloister themselves up in their apartments or…
Erin: Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of someone not being interesting.
Maddox: Okay, well…
Erin: Fear of, like, meeting crazy people.
Maddox: Erin, then, I have to call you out on something. (Erin gasps)
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: I'm sorry. Those are not…
Erin: I get a buzzer?!?!
Maddox: (laughs) Those are not quality guys and girls if they are the people who are too afraid of rejection.
Maddox: I'm not sure I want to meet them!
Erin: I disagree.
Dick: It's true.
Maddox: I wanna meet those confident people!
Dick: I only want confident, alpha females! (Maddox laughs) I only want American Gladiators.
Sean: They just performed the whitest high five I have ever seen in my life. (Erin cracks up)
Dick: Fuck you, Sean!!
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean!!!! (Erin still laughing) Use that for the fucking sound clip. Dick…that's the first time Dick and I have ever high fived on this show. That's fucking dope as shit!
Erin: They are sitting across from each other and it's kinda far. They're kinda far away.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, we're making a V right now with Erin the middle. (laughing)
Erin: That's true, they kind of are. (grins) There you go.
Maddox: So Erin, you were saying that's not true. You think that the people who are afraid of rejection aren't necessarily bad quality people. Why?
Erin: No, no, no, no, no. Like, there's something…I think there are people who maybe aren't a 10 on the self confidence scale who are amazing people, but maybe they just need to find somebody, who, you know, is on the same page with them. So if they're an 8 with self confidence, they need another 8. But also, you know, if you've gotten out of a break up or something, your self confidence might not be at the highest, but that doesn't mean you should be a reject, either. You know?
Dick: Not enough settling. (Maddox laughs) Is what I'm hearing. I totally agree with that. Anyone who's asking me for getting laid advice, I'm like, "Look, learn to settle for less."
Erin: Well, listen. I don't think you're wrong. For example, I know somebody who is…he's probably on a scale of 1 to 10, maybe a 5. And I don't mean that in a mean way. I just mean in terms of looks, he's a very average-looking guy, but…
Dick: What's an average-looking guy to you?
Erin: Oh, man…it's…
Dick: You can describe him.
Maddox: What's an average-looking celebrity? Yeah.
Erin: Um…a little to a lot overweight, but he knows it.
Dick: Okay. Mhmm.
Erin: So it's not like a glandular thing, it's like he knows…you know.
Erin: Um…a little, like, kinda like the letter you were reading earlier. A little not aware of himself in terms of, like, what might be offensive or not.
Erin: You know?
Dick: What was offensive in that letter? Should I read it again?
Erin: The racist stuff!! (cracks up) Um, so things like that. Okay, so let's just go ahead.
Maddox: I pictured that guy. Can I tell you what I pictured?
Maddox: The letter reader.
Maddox: So, he has…
Dick: Well, not the reader. The writer.
Maddox: The writer, yeah. (they laugh)
Dick: You fucking watch your mouth. (Erin cracks up)
Maddox: I'll tell you what I think the writer looked like who wrote that letter.
Maddox: Um, he probably had a really hairy mop haircut, right? Too much hair.
Maddox: Big burns coming down the sides. Chubby cheeks. Freckles.
Erin: Chubby cheeks. (giggles)
Maddox: Itty bitty nose!
Dick: Getting a little weird. (grins)
Erin: What the…yeah, I know, this is weird. (laughing)
Dick: Very weird description.
Maddox: Like a French chef.
Erin: Oh, don't talk about the French!!
Maddox: Like, cartoon! (laughing)
Erin: I love them.
Maddox: Like a cartoon French chef, like an itty bitty nose, and big chubby cheeks.
Dick: So Chef Boyardee, you think!? (Maddox laughs) Is writing me about his erotic conquests?
Maddox: Like a young Chef Boyardee, yeah. (Erin cracks up)
Dick: A young, hairy, Chef Boyardee.
Dick: Would you say he's a 5?
Erin: Mmm, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, okay. Nailed it.
Dick: Okay, go on.
Erin: So…this Chef Boyardee type of dude was going for, like 9s and 10s.
Dick: Yeah. Ridiculous.
Erin: And…well, right.
Maddox: Well, good for him.
Dick: That's offensive. No, that's offensive.
Erin: Well, no. Not good, 'cause he wasn't pulling any of 'em.
Dick: And he's ruining it for guys like me.
Erin: So, yeah.
Dick: Who deserve 9s and 10s.
Maddox: Other 5s and…yeah. (they laugh)
Erin: Other 5s and 6s. No, no, no. (Maddox laughs) But…(giggles) so in those ways, like, I feel like, you know, if he would go for a solid 5, or maybe even a 6.
Erin: He would do better, and then so then there would be some equal…so girls who are maybe an 8 are getting hit on by the Chef Boyardee 5 guy.
Erin: And saying, "I don't wanna get hit on by that anymore."
Erin: "So I'm just gonna stay at home."
Maddox: Mmmm. (uncertain)
Erin: And just wallow in self pity.
Maddox: Well, here's the thing.
Dick: No, that's…I 100% agree with what you're saying.
Dick: And I hate it.
Erin: I hate it, too! It's ridiculous. 'Cause there are good dudes out there.
Maddox: Oh, Erin.
Dick: And the pickup artists are causing it. They're marauding around like Mad Max, exhausting resources and beautiful women.
Erin: Yes. But you know, that scene is getting a big thumbs down lately.
Dick: Like locusts.
Erin: Like, there's been some bad things that have happened. Australia.
Dick: What do you mean?
Erin: There was something in Australia.
Maddox: Yeah. There was that guy who went to Australia.
Maddox: Who's a real piece of shit. Like, his…his, umm…his strat…I forget the guy's name.
Erin: I forget it, too.
Maddox: But his…his strategy. He was telling a bunch of pickup artists, who came to a convention center in a hotel lobby, who paid tickets.
Erin: Paid thousands of dollars.
Maddox: Like, people go to a Trump rally. The same people.
Dick: Mhmm. Okay. (Erin and Maddox laughs)
Maddox: They paid tickets…
Dick: (interjects) Tell me, what is this guy's name!? (Erin and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: It's in Australia, so I'm sure your man over there has probably seen him.
Erin: Chef Boyardee.
Dick: My man?
Maddox: No, no, the new man. The guy..
Erin: Chef Boyardee.
Dick: Oh, Chef Boyardee. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. So anyway…
Maddox: They went to this rally and this guy was talking about his approach in Japan. Because as a white guy in Japan…
Maddox: You're going to clean house.
Maddox: Because a lot of Japanese…
Dick: Really?! (interested)
Maddox: Japanese women generally like white guys. To them, it's exotic.
Maddox: Also, the same thing in Greece. (Erin giggles) Greek women love white guys.
Dick: Well. Except for Angelo's mom.
Maddox: Except for…well. (Erin laughs) She likes some white guys, buddy. But yeah, no. He was saying in Japan, it's so easy to pick up women.
Maddox: That you can just, like, go up to them and make out with them.
Erin: Oh my God.
Maddox: And he started…he started doing that, and he went to some places. And the girls, like, were uncomfortable about it, but they kissed back eventually.
Maddox: But it's like, uh, but then…
Dick: A little Pepe Lepuey.
Maddox: It is. (Erin giggles) It is a little Pepe Lepuey. Very rapey. It's rape-adjacent.
Erin: It is, yeah.
Maddox: You know? It's rape.
Erin: Which is close enough to be not okay.
Maddox: It's close enough. You don't do that.
Maddox: If somebody did that to me…guy or girl, I'd be upset.
Dick: Oh really? (skeptical) (Maddox cracks up) If a hot…(Erin laughs)
Erin: No, but that's a perfect analogy, though. If, like, say…
Dick: Proof it's never happened to you. Go ahead. (laughs)
Erin: No, but say you're heterosexual. If someone of your same gender came up to you and did something like that and you would be offended, then it's probably not okay.
Maddox: Yeah, because you're also making an assumption about their sexual orientation.
Maddox: You're also making an assumption about their relationship.
Erin: And that they think you're attractive.
Erin: Like, how arrogant are you to think that every Japanese girl is gonna think you're hot?
Dick: You guys don't have to explain that sexual assault is bad. (Maddox and Erin laugh) Like, you don't have to explain why walking around assaulting women is wrong.
Erin: Some people…
Dick: We know this. It's illegal.
Maddox: It's in…Dick, I'm just being thorough because it's in the glossary. (Dick guffaws)
Erin: Yes. Yes. YES. (Maddox laughs) Back to the glossary.
Dick: So what was this thing in Australia? What do you mean?
Maddox: It was that. He was telling guys to just go to Japan and just start making out with chicks.
Dick: You need a thousand dollars to learn how to walk up to a Japanese girl and stick your tongue in her mouth?
Maddox: Look, this guy's a real piece of shit.
Erin: That's the point.
Maddox: Anyway, he did…he was one of the…he's kind of like…uh, probably the worst of the pickup artist scene.
Maddox: So you were saying that that's kind of a negative rap, right?
Erin: Yes, well, and I mean it's made it so that the world is kinda seeing it more as a predatory thing, whereas if you went, like, 10 years back, it would be like…(gasps) there's this thing! So a lot of… I know some pickup artists personally.
Erin: And a lot of them are changing their brands right now.
Dick: Oh. (scoffs)
Erin: Because it's seen as something that's not…that guys don't wanna do now.
Maddox: Well, I…
Erin: Which is good in some ways.
Maddox: I know Neil Strauss.
Maddox: He's the guy who wrote The Game.
Maddox: He wrote the book.
Maddox: And he's a…he's a great dude.
Erin: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: He's actually very personable.
Maddox: One of the most affable people I've ever met. Very generous. Very friendly.
Erin: Yes. Mhmm.
Maddox: Very knowledgeable. Makes you feel comfortable. Because he's worked on himself.
Maddox: And I read…I read The Game.
Erin: I did too. I have a copy of it.
Maddox: Yeah. It's a…I thought it was a great book.
Maddox: Because he talks about…in the early chapter of the Game, in the Prologue.
Maddox: He talks about the necessity for the Game. Because he says that as men, we are taught how to throw footballs and how to change a tire.
Maddox: And how to change our oil, and all these things.
Erin: Not even that.
Dick: None of that is true.
Erin: Nobody…not now. Back in the day.
Maddox: Back in the day. Now.
Erin: Boys now don't know. Yes.
Maddox: Well, but he said that we are never taught how to flirt properly. How to approach women.
Maddox: How to…no.
Dick: How did I learn all of this stuff?
Erin: Were you taught? Yeah, where did you learn it?!
Maddox: You didn't. You haven't.
Dick: I don't kno…(stammers)
Erin: Nobody's taught any of this stuff unless it's from, like, a brother, or the Internet, which is…wrong. (laughs)
Maddox: Dick, I mean, I love you, man. And I think you could do…
Dick: Kinda…that's…you'd better watch it. (Maddox and Erin laugh)
Maddox: Listen. I'm coming onto you, here. No, but I think…I think that if guys knew these…some of these techniques…and ultimately, it all comes down to this. Neil Strauss said that you could either study the Game, or you could take an improv class and then be confident.
Maddox: Like, that's all it is.
Maddox: The Game is…I can summarize it in two concepts. One, be confident.
Maddox: Two, be interesting.
Maddox: That's it.
Erin: Social skills.
Dick: Yeah, but let's be honest. You gotta keep that improve shit to yourself. 'Cause what girl wants to say they fucked an improve comedian?
Maddox: No one. (Erin laughs) No girl.
Dick: Exactly zero.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: That's disgusting.
Maddox: You keep it inside. You bottle it up like a dirty secret.
Dick: It is dirty.
Maddox: Never let it out. 'Cause as soon as they get that stink…they smell that stink on you, they're out the door.
Erin: No! But I do like comedy, by the way. I really do. It is a turn-on for me.
Erin: But, I will say…I've sat in on a lot of the..
Dick: False. Is that true?
Dick: That you like comedy. You like it as…
Erin: No, no. I love comedy. I've dated some comedians. I enjoy it.
Dick: You like it as a dressing, though.
Erin: No, no. I like it.
Dick: You…okay. Okay, wait. Lemme…lemme back this up.
Erin: That's a whole other topic, though.
Dick: Okay…well, I'm just saying. You hear girls say, "I like funny guys."
Erin: I do.
Dick: But it's like, you like the funny as the whip cream on the cake.
Erin: If someone can make me laugh, it's a bigger turn-on than a lot of other things.
Maddox: Hey, how about a pie in the face, huh?
Erin: I don't want that. (Maddox laughs) I don't want a pie in my face, no. I don't. (giggles) But, okay, Just to wrap up.
Maddox: Yes, please.
Erin: Just really quick.
Erin: So, um, the pickup artists…I've sat in on their workshops. Where guys are there. Nerdy guys, who've never had a girlfriend. Virgins. Whatever. And I walked in as a girl being, like, I'm the only girl here. I'm gonna hate these guys. And, you know, I'm like, there's actual things that these guys can learn. They're getting…they're learning social skills. Just to get comfortable communicating with people. That is worth a lot. I really do feel like. But I also feel like anything can be used for good or evil.
Maddox: So you…you teach dating advice, too, right?
Erin: I do.
Erin: I do workshops and things.
Erin: A lot of it is social skills and communication, honestly.
Erin: And getting clear on what you want.
Maddox: So essentially, those two rules that I've narrowed down.
Maddox: That I've boiled the Game down to, which is…
Dick: (interjects) Be interesting?
Maddox: Be interesting and be confident.
Erin: But how do you just be confident?
Dick: Yeah, that's what…every time we go over this, he's got no followups for that.
Maddox: No, I do. I do.
Erin: I got some answers for that.
Maddox: I can tell you how I personally became confident, right?
Erin: Love it.
Maddox: So, I was…
Dick: I'd rather hear the expert's version…(Erin cracks up)
Dick: But if you please go ahead…
Maddox: Well, I wanna hear the…do you wanna…do you have a…
Erin: Yeah, yeah. I have a couple of things.
Maddox: Okay. What's your approach?
Erin: So, uh…for confidence. Try something new. Accomplish something.
Dick: Like a…
Erin: So, like, maybe some hobby, guitar, something like that.
Dick: Or like a Midori Sour. (Erin giggles) Right?
Dick: Like, try something new at the bar.
Erin: No, no!!! No. Like, something that you have to make with your hands, or learn, or something like that. That's really great. I always tell people right before a date, if they're nervous and they don't have confidence, do something, like, go to the gym.
Erin: Like, do something that's gonna pump you up and make you feel awesome.
Dick: Like take a big shit.
Erin: If that makes you feel awesome, then yes.
Dick: Okay. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: Uh, well then…
Dick: Oh, you don't like that one?!
Maddox: You can't go queening on your date. (Sean groans) No queening for you.
Erin: Well, some people are into that, toooooooo….(groans)
Maddox: Yeah, ooooh. That's a crusty queen. That's what they call those.
Maddox: It's in the glossary!!
Erin: Is it really!?
Maddox: No. No. (grins) I just made that up. (Erin giggles) Erin, that's really good advice. Ultimately, I did that.
Erin: What's yours?
Maddox: I did that. Um…
Maddox: Well, for me…for me, I lost a lot of weight. I lose 70 pounds.
Maddox: But then also, my…my problem as a single guy was, I was always that dude, the chump, who would go to a bar and look around, and I'd think, "Oh, none of these girls are good enough for me." And I would dismiss them.
Maddox: I would dismiss them outright. And I was wondering. I had this inkling in the back of my mind that I might be doing it as a self-defense mechanism.
Maddox: Because I'm afraid of rejection.
Maddox: And then I thought one day I'm gonna test myself. I'm going to go pick up a girl who I had no interest in.
Erin: Oh, I love this. I love it!
Erin: I love this.
Maddox: So I walked right up to this solid 5.
Erin: Love it.
Maddox: 5 is a little generous. (Dick scoffs)
Dick: So this is the chick Chef Boyardee.
Maddox: The chick Chef Boyardee! (Erin giggles)
Dick: Like the mom in Goonies. (Maddox cracks up)
Erin: Oh, no, wait, is she a 5?
Maddox: No, she's like a…she's a 2 on a good day.
Erin: Oh. Phew! Anyway, yes.
Maddox: So this girl was a solid 5, right?
Maddox: I walk up to her and I just, like, start talking to her.
Maddox: Like, thinking I'm doing this chick a favor.
Maddox: She shut me down so hard.
Dick: Mhmm. (Erin gasps)
Maddox: I was…I was reeling. My head was spinning, I was shut down so hard.
Erin: Wow. Wow.
Maddox: And I thought, "Holy shit, I suck." I have no game.
Erin: Oh my gosh.
Maddox: And so that's when I realized it's a problem I needed to work on, and I did. It took a long time.
Erin: And that's self awareness, which is amazing, right?
Erin: That…that can help a lot of people, too.
Maddox: Anyway, I could go on and on, but Dick, we should…
Maddox: We should get to your problem. Thank you Erin, good problem. Awesome.
Erin: Thank you.
Dick: So wait. What is the problem that we're voting on? There's not enough good people out there to date. Right?
Maddox: No quality single guys and girls. Is that…
Dick: 'Cause everybody kinda sucks. (Erin laughs) Wouldn't you agree?
Erin: Yeah. Just like, everyone's awesome. You could say any statement like that. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I like where this is going.
Maddox: You can say words.. (laughs)
Erin: Exactly! (snorts)
Dick: Alright. Uh…how much time do I have? Eeeehhhh..
Maddox: Dick, we got time, yeah. What's you problem?
Dick: Nah, we're pressing on it.
Maddox: No, no. Let's hear it. We can go a little bit over.
Erin: We want it! We want them problem.
Dick: This is my problem. I'll give you the short version of this. It's another Burning Man story. I don't wanna go…(Erin gasps)
Erin: Love it. (whispers)
Dick: But this one's relatable to everyone, though.
Dick: It's not specifically about Burning Man.
Dick: 'Cause this is a big problem.
Dick: I agree that there's no one good out there, that's a big problem, and I agree that a glossary is a problem, or whatever your problem was…(Erin cracks up)
Maddox: Fuck you!!!
Dick: But this is a big problem, 'cause it goes for all men and women. So you're…(Erin snorts) Typical night. Right? Typical Tuesday night. You're at a makeshift disco in the middle of the desert. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Everyone can relate to that already.
Dick: Everyone can relate to this already!
Erin: Yessssss. Yes.
Dick: You see a beautiful girl. Eastern European looking girl. You know, dark features. Dark hair. Looks like she hasn't eaten in weeks.
Maddox: Or showered in weeks. Yeah.
Dick: Well..yeah. Couple days. It's…you don't stink out there. Do you think it's a bunch of stinky hippies out there?
Maddox: Mhmm. I know it's a bunch of stinky hippies.
Dick: I don't….you don't stink out there.
Erin: Some people can smell.
Maddox: Some of them stink before they even get there, Dick.
Erin: Exactly. (laughs)
Dick: Beautiful girl. Bones from…all over her body. (Erin and Maddox laugh) Ribs that I wanna play like a xylophone, right?
Erin: Oh, my gosh.
Maddox: You like skinny girls.
Dick: Five or six collarbones. (Maddox laughs) I don't know how many collarbones a girl has, but a lot…you can see all of them.
Dick: Okay. So I walk up and I'm speaking the language of dance to this girl, right? (Erin laughs) This is what….everyone does this. Everyone does this. We're communicating.
Dick: In the way that you communicate without words, right?
Dick: With the movements of your body. Not yet. Don't get ahead…
Erin: Oooooooooh, okay!!!
Dick: Don't get ahead of yourself, alright?
Erin: Yes, yes, yes.
Dick: Oh, I'm…I gotta speed this up. Alright. (they giggle)
Maddox: I wanna hear it.
Dick: No, no, no. So we're getting it on on the dance floor. Right? We're talking.
Erin: Okay. Mhmm.
Dick: We…after a couple hours, things are going very well.
Erin: A couple of hours!?
Dick: Yeah. You're hanging out and you're drinking. (Erin guffaws) This is a typical Tuesday night, like I said.
Erin: Yes. (grins)
Dick: She loses her light strings in the Porta-Potty. Right? As happens.
Maddox: Her what?
Dick: Her string of lights. You have to be lit up all the time.
Dick: Or you'll get hit by someone on a bicycle. Some fucking asshole on a bicycle. (Sean laughs) Not looking where he's going.
Maddox: Yeah. Probably you.
Dick: (laughs nervously) No, I couldn't!
Maddox: You were on a bike out there.
Dick: Because my bicycle got stolen. (Maddox laughs) At Burning Man.
Erin: Awwwwwwwwwwwww. Bastards. (whispers)
Dick: So I give her…I give her my light-up heart necklace, right?!
Maddox: Oh, my God.
Dick: That I bought for $2.50 off Amazon before I went, 'cause I thought something like this might happen.
Dick: And it's beautiful. It's very precious to her, right, 'cause it's a heart.
Erin: Mmmmm. We do like hearts.
Dick: You do like hearts, right?
Erin: We do.
Maddox: We do.
Dick: Yeah. (Erin giggles) So she says…she says to me, "I feel sick. I wanna go home."
Dick: Right? Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh.
Erin: To her tent home.
Maddox: To her tent.
Dick: Ahh, she doesn't' specify, alright? (creepy voice) (Erin guffaws) So we're walking…we're walking across the desert, as you do.
Dick: Things are going well, you know, we're talking.
Erin: It's kind of romantic, actually.
Dick: Yeah! I'm using my bathrobe as, like, a leash, and whipping her around. Making her bark. Stuff like that. (Sean laughs) And she goes…she says the magic words to me.
Erin: Oh my gosh.
Dick: And we start making out in the desert. "I just want a taste." Right? (Erin gasps)
Dick: Yeah. Right there.
Erin: She says this?
Dick: Ohhh, yeah. (grins. Yeah.
Erin: Yeah, what is…
Maddox: Is that the female version of asking for the tip? I've never heard that before.
Dick: You can't have a stupid look on your face.
Maddox: No, no. I have a good.
Dick: When a girl says "I just want a taste." (Erin laughs)
Erin: What?!! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: You can't say, "What exactly do you want a taste of?!" (Erin squeals) Young lady?
Maddox: No, no, no, Dick. I let that out on the podcast, but when I'm in that moment, I have a good sex poker face. Even if I don't know, I'd say, "Oh, let's do it.
Dick: Literally? (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Oh, yeah. I have a great sex poker face.
Dick: What is your sex poker face?
Maddox: My sex poker face? Like…."I know you do." (makes face)
Erin: Oh, that's pretty good. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, right?
Erin: That was pretty good. That was pretty good. It was.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Erin: It was.
Maddox: Oh, thank you.
Dick: Yeah, but then what if she just stands there waiting for it?
Dick: Then what do you do? What's…
Maddox: Cause in that moment, Dick, right? In that moment…
Dick: Give it to me. Give me the taste. (grins) (Erin squeals)
Maddox: Right? Here we are. Here we are, right? We're already close to each other.
Maddox: We're in an embrace at the time, right?
Dick: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Maddox: We just like continue down that path, and I kinda move my hands down her body like a map.
Maddox: Like a navigator.
Maddox: Exploring the new world.
Erin: Oh, boy. (cracks up)
Maddox: Erin…what, Erin? Right?! This is what you do?!
Erin: No, this is great. Please continue, please.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Like an explorer. Like Magellan.
Maddox: Exploring the New World. I'm trying to find the edge.
Maddox: The edge. (Erin laughs)
Dick: Okay. I got it.
Maddox: You know what? This is your story, Dick, you go ahead. (Erin guffaws)
Dick: So…so, you know. She starts working the…she starts Mach 5ing my joystick, right?
Erin: Wow. Well…(Maddox laughs) Is this real?! Is this true?!
Dick: This is a real story.
Erin: I love it.
Dick: This is happening.
Erin: I love it.
Dick: I'm getting…I'm getting to the biggest problem in the universe.
Erin: Oh my gosh. Yes.
Dick: The biggest erotic problem in the universe.
Erin: Oh my gosh. I'm nervous.
Dick: Alright. So…
Dick: She's taking a taste.
Dick: Right? Working it around.
Dick: Maybe being a little indulgent, too, if I might say.
Dick: More than a taste.
Maddox: Well. (Erin giggles)
Dick: Next think you know…
Erin: Too much! You said just a taste!!!
Maddox: It's….it's one bite, lady!!
Erin: Back up! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Next thing you know a pirate ship drives by, as happens.
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: As happens. Shining the headlights right on us. (Erin gasps)
Dick: And I'm like, I'm like…"Alright. I'm feeling a little bit bad for her." Right? But then it's like, wait a minute, it's my dick they're looking at, right? (Erin giggles)
Dick: And I'm okay with that.
Dick: She's okay with it. These people are cheering us on.
Erin: Wow. Wow!!
Dick: Right?! Awesome. It's like, alright, alright, that's enough. We gotta get back to the tent. (Erin snorts) We gotta get back to the tent. So we're in the tent. You're in the tent. As you are.
Dick: Ripping each other's clothes off.
Dick: Okay?! Throwing dust out of your sleeping bag.
Maddox: Her pulling your bathrobe off and you pulling the necklace off that you just gave her. (Erin laughs)
Dick: Trying to, but it's caught in my hair, and I'm like, "Ah, fuck it, I'll get it later." (Maddox laughs) 'cause I don't wanna rip my hair out.
Erin: Oh, my gosh. I love it.
Dick: So, um…we're doing some hand stuff, right? I'm..I'm doing more…
Dick: I'm doing…there's not enough. Not mutual. She's not doing enough hand stuff, right? And I'm thinking…
Erin: Yeah, but she just gave you a freaking blowjob, right?
Dick: Yeah, but then…(stammers)
Erin: What do you want from this girl!?!?
Dick: You want it to escalate!
Maddox: Was it a handjob or a blowjob!?
Erin: Yeah, but what about her? What does she get?
Dick: She gave me a blowjob.
Erin: What does she get?
Dick: A sexual experience unlike anything else. (Erin laughs) And you hear this sultry voice talking in your ear right now?!
Dick: That's what she's…you can't just get that anywhere.
(Sound effect: Lost boner "boing")
Dick: So I'm thinking okay…(Maddox laughs) All the good stuff better not have been in the preview for this movie. That's what I'm thinking.
Dick: You know what I mean?
Erin: I do know what you mean.
Dick: 'Cause some girls will get in bed and then they're done.
Erin: Guys too.
Erin: Yeah. Go on.
Dick: Well, alright.
Erin: No, no. No "well". Yes. It happens to both. Go on.
Dick: So she's like, "Do you have a condom?" and of course…
Erin: You don't. (Maddox sighs)
Dick: No. (Erin cracks up) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Of course…what he means by "of course" is he starts to try to talk to her out of it. For the next 30 minutes, right? (Erin laughs)
Dick: So we're banging for 20 minutes, right?
Dick: And she's shaking like a Quaker the whole time.
Dick: 20…20 minutes…that's probably…
Maddox: I don't think you got 20 minutes.
Dick: I didn't have a stopwatch. You don't think I have 20 minutes in me?!
Maddox: No, I don't think you got 20 minutes. I think you…I think maybe 6, tops!!!
Erin: 6 minutes?!!? (laughs)
Maddox: I know Dick. He can't go the mile. He can't go the long haul, man. I know you don't got 20 minutes in you.
Erin: Ohhhhhh. (laughing)
Dick: Are you fucking kidding me, man?
Dick: I can lay still and do nothing for hours. (Maddox and Erin laugh) You don't think I can make it 20 minutes?
Erin: Oh, man.
Maddox: Well, touché.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Maddox and Erin crack up)
Dick: So I'm…I'm building a symphony, right?
Dick: I'm conducting a symphony with my hips now, here. (Erin snorts)
Maddox: Oh, geez.
Dick: This is an erotic story. Your fucking thing was a dictionary.
Dick: This is an erotic 69th episode story.
Erin: This is great.
Dick: And she's…she's giving me all the taps, right? Like, here…you know. You know…the Morse code that chicks speak as they're approaching orgasm?
Dick: Tap, tap. Tap, tap. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Erin: I thought you meant the tap out, like, it's not gonna happen.
Dick: Well, that's what it….oh…
Dick: I don't even know what that is.
Erin: Yeah, so that'll be a tap, like, "Oh, I'm done."
Maddox: Wait a second. Which one was it? Yeah.
Erin: That's enough. Like tap, tap.
Erin: I can't take anymore.
Maddox: Tapping out.
Dick: Like I've…
Maddox: Let me out of this choke hold!!
Dick: Like I've achieved…
Erin: Exactly. (Maddox and Erin laugh)
Dick: Right. Like, I've achieved orgasm and I can't take anymore, I'm exhausted.
Erin: Or I haven't achieved orgasm, but it just hurts now.
Dick: And it's not gonna happen.
Maddox: It's not gonna happen.
Dick: Okay. So she's giving me the tap like here it comes, here it comes, here it comes.
Erin: Oh, okay.
Dick: And I'm like "Awesome, all right." You know, me too. Let's get…let's move this along so we can…(Erin snorts) eat some bar snacks that I bought at Wal-Mart.
Maddox: Oh, my god.
Erin: Oh my god.
Dick: Today on my way through Reno and go to sleep, right?
Erin: Aaaaaaaah, yes. (laughing)
Dick: And then you wake up and start over again. Typical Tuesday night.
Erin: Yes. Yes.
Dick: So…so the taps are coming, but nothing's happening here, right?
Dick: And then finally I just, I gotta go. I'm like, "We're not synced up here."
Erin: Oh, boy.
Dick: I'm done. I'm out.
Maddox: And by go, you mean come.
Erin: I got a lot of problems with this story, but go on. (giggles)
Maddox: I can't wait to hear it. So what…yeah, what happened?
Erin: I know. (laughing)
Dick: So I pull out and it's over. Right?
Maddox: (snorts) Plegh. (laughs)
Dick: And I'm like "Well, there you have it." And she's like "you wanna try again?"
Erin: Yeah, exactly.
Dick: I'm like, "What am I, 23?!" Right? I'm like "Oh, shit, you're probably 23." (Erin and Maddox crack up) I'm like, "Well, no."
Dick: "Sorry." My problem is the female orgasm.
Erin: Did you try…
Dick: (interjects) That's my problem. Is the female orgasm.
Erin: Oh. Here's the question. Did you try to please her in any way after your penis was done?
Dick: Didn't you hear about the leash stuff that I was doing? (Maddox laughs)
Erin: The leash stuff.
Erin: Hands, hands. Hands?
Dick: Yeah, of course.
Maddox: Did you do the…
Erin: (interjects) Not of course.
Dick: I mean, look, I felt like I had just strangled Slimer the Ghost.
Dick: When we were…
Dick: With my hand stuff. There was so much hand stuff. That's what I'm…
Erin: I know, but did she orgasm?!
Dick: How does she get this and you don't…
Maddox: That's a "bags of sand" comment. What are you talking about? (Erin laughs) Slimer the Ghost. What are you talking about?
Dick: What are you…do I…
Maddox: What is he talking about? Do you know…
Dick: You know what I'm talking about. Erin.
Maddox: Are you following, Erin?
Erin: Lots of….lots of…
Dick: Lots of lubricant.
Erin: Yeah. Like, she was…
Dick: Of course.
Erin: Very wet.
Dick: She was very into it.
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Erin: Did she have an orgasm?
Erin: That's your fault.
Maddox: Hmm. Yeah.
Dick: That's MY fault?!!?
Erin: You should have done whatever you could to make her…finish.
Erin: Since you…
Dick: I did.
Erin: Since you did. No, you didn't.
Dick: What else could I have done?
Erin: 'Cause after you've came, there's hands you could have used, and oral things. And et cetera.
Dick: AFTER I'm…very tired.
Erin: Oh, I'm out. (laughs)
Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah.
Dick: I've been drinking all…I've been drinking all day.
Erin: Ladies…ladies, listen. Any ladies listening…seriously. That…that…
Maddox: All two of you. (laughing)
Erin: All two of you ladies one and two, like, seriously, if a guy…sorry. That's a huge deal breaker.
Maddox: It's a deal breaker, right?!
Erin: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, but who cares?! What are you gonna break?!
Maddox: Erin it's….eech.
Dick: You gonna take it back?
Maddox: Well. (Dick laughs) (Erin giggles)
Dick: Come on, it's very difficult.
Erin: Hey, but that's truth, though. What you're saying.
Dick: No, no. Listen. Look. The female orgasm…
Dick: Is not easy.
Dick: It's all in your…it's a lot in your head.
Dick: And I think any woman who says it's not in their head, like, it's a mechanics thing, is totally fucking wrong.
Erin: It's…I think it's a mixture of both. But we are very cerebral, so it is maybe, like, 52%...60% in our head.
Erin: Rather than, you know.
Dick: So how am I supposed to fix that? Am I supposed to break out my…
Erin: Well you don't just give up and stop.
Dick: …armchair psychology book and fix it on the spot?
Erin: If she was that turned on…
Erin: If she was that turned on and that wet, she was into you.
Maddox: She was into you.
Erin: So it wouldn't have taken much.
Erin: That's all I'm saying.
Maddox: I've only…I've only ever been with two girls who couldn't.
Erin: Oh, interesting.
Dick: And could they never? Could they ever?
Maddox: They had never…like, a few of them had maybe had, like, one orgasm. Even while masturbating.
Dick: See, this is what I'm talking about!
Erin: Wow. Wow.
Maddox: And so that was…
Erin: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: There was something going on. It's probably not…it's really rare, actually. Girls who can't masturbate…who can't orgasm while masturbating.
Erin: I think it's more common than you think.
Maddox: Oh really?
Dick: Girls who…girls who can't.
Erin: Girls fake all the time.
Maddox: Oh, no. Well, no. I…the girls…here's how I know that they weren't faking.
Maddox: Is because we'…they're usually girls who I…
Dick: (interjects) He hooked 'em up to a lie detector test. (Erin laughs)
Maddox: They're usually girls I had sex with multiple times.
Maddox: And sometimes they said, "It's not gonna happen today." And other times they said "It is."
Maddox: And you know…either way, it's fine. I don't….the orgasm is not always…
Erin: What if they were lying about the times that they did.
Maddox: No, they weren't. I…they weren't.
Erin: How do you know?
Maddox: Oh, there were tells. (Erin squeals) There were plenty of tells.
Erin: Okay, okay, okay.
Dick: What kind of tells? What do you look for?
Maddox: Slimer the Ghost…(cracks up)
Erin: (laughs) There you go.
Dick: She got that instantly.
Erin: I did. I'm a girl.
Erin: We get it.
Maddox: No, no. I mean, I thought that could be it, but I also thought maybe she had a sweaty back for some reason. I don't know. (Erin cracks up) (Sean groans)
Dick: 9s and 10s only, buddy. At Burning Man.
Maddox: (laughs) Yeah, sure.
Dick: 9s and 10s only.
Maddox: Yeah. Covered in…(stammers)
Dick: No, look, look, look, look.
Maddox: …a nice thin film of mud.
Dick: Only…only 50…only 57% of women usually have orgasms when they have sex with a partner.
Dick: Compared to men having 95% of the time. Men have an orgasm.
Erin: That's why there's oral stuff and hand stuff.
Dick: But you're saying it's…you're saying…
Dick: That it's the mens' faults for not getting them there, and I totally disagree!
Erin: No, I didn't say that! I said it's the man's fault if after he comes, he does not try to get her off after.
Dick: Yeah, but sometimes he just can't.
Maddox: Mmmmm. (skeptical)
Dick: Sometimes you're sliding against an asymptotic line that just will never get there.
Maddox: Your mouth still works, buddy.
Maddox: Get down there.
Erin: Mhmm. Mhmm.
Dick: So you do this?
Maddox: Yeah, man.
Dick: If a woman can't get off, you spend the next three hours eating her out?
Erin: It's not gonna be three hours!!!
Dick: Instead of playing Dark Souls? Why do I fucking not believe that?!
Maddox: Here's the thing. Here…
Dick: (interjects) No wonder that book's not getting written.
Maddox: Ahhhhhhhhh. (Sean cracks up)
Dick: Maddox is feasting on a banquet. Fresh Fancy Feast.
Erin: Some guys very much enjoy three hours of all of that.
Maddox: Yeah. Well…(Dick cracks up)
Erin: No, it's true.
Erin: It's true. It's true.
Maddox: Here's the thing. Here's the thing. When…if a girl can't orgasm…
Maddox: It's usually because you haven't built a comfort level with her. You need to…
Dick: I should ask her about her dad more…
Maddox: You need to build her…no, shithead.
Dick: That's what I should have fucking done. You're right. (Erin giggles)
Maddox: No, you fuck. What you do is you build a comfort level with the girl.
Maddox: And she needs to feel comfortable with you.
Maddox: A lot of times… a lot of times, especially the first time you have sex with someone.
Maddox: There's that anxiety, like, oh my gosh, he's seeing me naked, she's seeing me naked. I'm very vulnerable. This person's inside me.
Maddox: You need to build that comfort level.
Maddox: And then once you do, once you're there…you just land the plane, baby.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Erin: Not to mention, I mean, girls are so self-conscious.
Dick: Did I tell you about the bar snacks, though? That's very comfortable.
Maddox: (laughing) Well…
Erin: Share some bar snacks with her after you finish her off!!
Maddox: Finish the job!
Dick: So it's all my fault?!
Erin: He's like "Hmm." (laughing) It's not all your fault.
Dick: I got her there eventually.
Erin: Oh, you…Oh!!
Dick: Well, next day.
Erin: Okay. Listen…
Maddox: Oh, there you go!
Erin: That counts.
Maddox: That's something.
Dick: Yeah, but it…still. It ruined my…it ruined the whole experience. (Erin laughs) For me.
Maddox: Well. Well.
Erin: It's all about you!!!
Dick: And that's what happens…yeah!!! (Erin laughs) What is it about? What do you mean? (Erin giggles)
Erin: Oh, man. No, no. But you're right. The female orgasm is very elusive sometimes. And every girl's different. And every girl's parts are different. You know? The way things are situated.
Dick: Yeah. Some have tits on their back. (Erin giggles) Right?
Maddox: Some have…some are…
Erin: I don't even know what to say. (laughs)
Maddox: Some are Chinese and have E's, apparently.
Erin: There you go.
Maddox: That guy's a liar. Chef Boyardee's a fucking liar.
Erin: I know. Unless she had implants. She could have had implants.
Maddox: Uh…she could have had implants.
Dick: It's very elusive. It's a very elusive thing, the female orgasm.
Erin: It is. No, it's true.
Dick: And we'll never figure it out.
Erin: No, some guys are very good at figuring it out.
Dick: Yeah but…see, you say that!!
Erin: And some women are good at figuring it out.
Dick: But some women just pop off like a fucking slot machine, ready to go!
Erin: That's also true.
Erin: Are you the one that's gonna try to figure it out?
Maddox: Are you gonna go the extra mile?
Erin: That's the question.
Maddox: You're a…you're a Bush guy, stay the course!!
Dick: Bush guy? What do you mean?
Erin: Bush guy?! What?!
Maddox: Finish the job!
Dick: No, no. See, you gotta specify now, because Jeb Bush is involved.
Dick: I'm a GW.
Maddox: GW. Yeah.
Erin: Oh, I thought you meant bush…
Maddox: No, not that bush.
Dick: Seventies bush?
Erin: No, like hairy.
Dick: What are you…yeah, I know what you're saying.
Erin: Female body parts.
Maddox: No. We…we have a sponsor that's…come on, please.
Maddox: We've never seen a hairy bush!
Erin: Oh, razors! What is it, Harry? Razors?
Maddox: Harry's. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. The ladies who listen to the show…trust me. That's not an issue. (Erin laughs) They…scorched earth.
Dick: So you're saying guys should try harder.
Erin: Yes, because she's gonna wanna do it with you more if you try!!
Maddox: Are you a one and done kind of guy, Dick? (Erin guffaws) Like after you're done, you hook up maybe once or twice, you're out, you lose interest?
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: You're polyamorous. (Erin giggles)
Dick: That's not polyamorous. It's just being a jerk. (Maddox laughs) (Erin cracks up)
Maddox: Well, that's in the glossary too.
Dick: Just being a guy.
Maddox: Hey, lemme tell you about this lifestyle, buddy. (Erin laughs) Yeah.
Erin: Very interesting.
Dick: This survey in Cosmo that I read to prepare for this…
Erin: Oh, look at you. Mhmm.
Dick: Up to 67% of women have ever faked an orgasm. Why can't you guys just do that all the time? Should be 100%.
Erin: 'Cause you know why? Because the times…this is personal experience. The times where it has happened for me, especially when I was, like, in my twenties and stuff, guys get SO offended. And it's like their mood totally changes and they can't snap out…"Oh, I couldn't make it happen for her. Oh my god.: So sometimes girls will just fake it.
Dick: It's good manners.
Dick: Thank you for the sexual experience. I'll fake an orgasm now.
Erin: Wait, there's an episode of Seinfeld here in this, right? There's a total episode of Seinfeld here.
Erin: And then Jerry got so mad! "You were faking?" "You were faking?"
Erin: Nobody wants that.
Maddox: I don't care…I don't care enough about it either way. Like, don't fake it. I just…I mean do it…if you're gonna have an orgasm, then great, and if you don't, then that's fine. And it goes both ways, too, actually.
Maddox: You know, sometimes after, like, a night of passionate lovemaking, you know…(Erin laughs)
Dick: You'll fake an orgasm? You bring in, like, a Gogurt and spray it all over her? (Erin cracks up)
Maddox: I came…I came so close.
Dick: Like a spilled lunchbox?
Maddox: I came so close to faking one time, and finally I'm like, "Why am I…why am I getting in my head, here?"
Erin: Wait, how were you gonna fake this? How were you gonna fake it?
Maddox: Oh, I…I thought about this way far ahead in advance. Yeah. (Erin laughs)
Dick: He had sound effects on his cell phone that he was gonna hide under the covers and play. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, here's the sound effect.
(Sound effect: Dick's loud gasp)
Dick: That's me.
Dick: That's a sound effect of me.
Maddox: Dick gasping. No, um…I almost came to the point where I thought I might have to fake this, 'cause I mean…shit's just gonna be broken tomorrow if I don't.
Erin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: You know. Shit wears out. It gets raw.
Erin: Of course.
Maddox: It gets sore.
Maddox: So then, eventually, I'm like, "Baby, it's not gonna happen. I appreciate the effort. You're riding me like a fucking rodeo bull. But this is…it's not gonna happen tonight."
Maddox: Uh, thank you.
Maddox: This is great. Let's do it again.
Erin: Aw, you thank…thank you.
Maddox: Yeah. And don't take it personally.
Maddox: And then…if they're mature, they won't. If you're the type of person who gets all butthurt 'cause someone doesn't orgasm, fuck off!
Maddox: It's not about you. You can still enjoy sex and not necessarily have an orgasm.
Erin: Totally agree.
Dick: So I did the right thing.
Erin: No, cause you just gave up when you were done!
Maddox: No, Dick! (laughs)
Dick: What…I'm tired!!! (Erin snorts)
Dick: What am I…you want me to force into it!?
Dick: That's assault.
Erin: Guess what? That's not a winner's mentality, my friend!
Dick: I'll take a sleepy loser then, I guess. (Erin and Maddox laugh) Fine with that.
Maddox: Alright, guys. Oh, and Erin, before we go, do you have anything you wanted to plug?
Erin: No, thanks for having me. Again, my name is Erin Tillman. The Dating Advice Girl. My website, http://www.thedatingadvicegirl.com. I am on a bunch of social media things, including Twitter, @DatingAdviceGrl. And Instagram. @DatingAdviceGrl. Just go to my website, The Dating Advice Girl, or Google me!
Maddox: We're going to link to it on the website. As well as a picture.
Erin: Oh, awesome.
Maddox: We took a bunch of pictures before the show.
Erin: You did.
Maddox: They're very lovely.
Dick: Oh, my short shorts!
Maddox: We'll post some. We'll post some photos.
Erin: Short shorts. Mmmm.
Maddox: My problem this week…
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Was…Poly-Evangelists! Erin?
Erin: Um, No Good Guys and Girls Out There to Date.
Maddox: And Dick, you got laid.
Dick: The Female Orgasm is my problem! (Maddox laughs)
Erin: I think that one's gonna win. It's hard.
Dick: Of course it's gonna win, 'cause it's fucking impossible to do!
Erin: It's not impossible.
Dick: I don't even know that it's actually real! Is there any scientific evidence that the female orgasm exists?!
Maddox: None. No. (cracks up)
Erin: Yes and no. (grins)
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, fuck you Maddox. Why are you comparing people who can't cook to people who can't do math, alright? Fuck that. Like, I get it. When you do your…you need to know your basic math, like your addition, subtraction, your…maybe some multiplication and division. You start adding fucking letter in it…then it's getting out of fucking control, alright? Nobody gives a shit. Nobody gives a shit about a logarithm. (Maddox laughs)
"The only type of people who should be doing stuff like that are engineers of some sort. You know, nobody gives a fuck if you can do math or not." (Maddox makes dumb sounds)
Dick: That's true.
"It's completely, totally different. And you sound like the type of douchebag that does math problems on a Saturday night. Fucking asshole. Uh, Dick, you're alright.")
Dick: Yeah! (Erin laughs)
Maddox: Ooookay. Wow. Really compelling argument. And you know, all I heard during that voice mail was this:
(Sound effect: monkeys hooting)
Maddox: Fucking dipshit monkey. Moron!!
Maddox: Dullard! Bottom feeder! Who doesn't appreciate the shoulders of the giants he's standing on to get here! That fucking…voice mail that you left, dickhead?! Entirely built on mathematical systems! Entirely built on the backbone of mathematics!
Erin: It's true. (giggles)
Maddox: Don't even appreciate it. Good.
Dick: Mmm. Alright, thank you, Erin, for joining us.
Erin: Yay. Thanks for having me!!
Dick: Yes. And your…on your website, can we get tips on the female orgasm at all?
Dick: Or is it just…
Erin: I don't, but I give tips on how to figure out if you want to sleep with someone or not.
Erin: Yeah. If they would be a good choice for you.
Dick: What are the signs that you want to sleep with someone?
Maddox: Dick's is that they're breathing.
Erin: Oh man. (cracks up)
Erin: Well, do they show some level of interest in you, and not just all about them, them, them? That's one.
Erin: You know, do you…would you be comfortable having them in your house, you know, or going to their place? 'Cause if you don't…some of these people are hot and you're like…anyway. Go to my website.
Maddox: Build that comfort.
Maddox: Next thing you know, they're in Come Town. (Erin and Maddox crack up)
Dick: Oh, my God! Alright. Next week I got some great follow-up stories! My man. My man…I got friend-engaged with my man at Burning Man. I gotta tell you about that.
Maddox: Friend engay-ged?!
Dick: He got a lot of flak for…
(File cuts off)