Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 67
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Quakes to Quebec.
Dick: Ohhhh. (saucy)
Maddox: With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back.
Dick: I think it's pronounced "Ke-bec".
Maddox: Ke-bec, really?
Dick: Yeah. Not Qwe-bec.
Maddox: Ohhhhh. It sounded so much better with the alliteration in there.
Dick: No, it's French, though.
Sean: And they speak "Quebecois".
Dick: Is that true?
Sean: That's true.
Dick: What is that?!
Sean: It's French Canadian.
Dick: Is it French, or Canadian?
Sean: I work with…I work with voice actors all the time.
Dick: And what, do they have it on their resume? Quebecois?
Sean: Well, no, 'cause of the dubs into Quebecois.
Dick: Oh wow, that's weird.
Maddox: Quebec-why?! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Alright, guys.
Dick: What happened last week?
Maddox: I got, uh…I got some news for you.
Maddox: About the votes.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: Data Caps!
Dick: Well. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Data Caps, clean sweep!
Maddox: Data caps, last episode, was…the number one problem. Followed by Shit. And then McDonald's, so, shit again. Uh…you know what surprised me, though, Dick? I…I honestly thought that McDonald's would be voted into oblivion. 'Cause everyone loves McDonald's!
Dick: You mean…it would be voted down into oblivion like Guardians of the Galaxy.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause McDonald's is the Guardians of the Galaxy of fast food. No, bigger than that. Guardians of the Galaxy is the superhero movie…it's like superhero fast food.
Dick: McDonald's is the apple of food, for you. Right?!
Maddox: It's the Nike of food, yeah.
Dick: You hate Nike, too?
Maddox: Well, it's…it's a big brand, you know…I don't know. I have an…I don't have a firm position on Nike.
Dick: A lot of these come down to just choice, though. Like somebody was saying in the comments, "You don't like McDonald's, don't eat there." Like, they're not…
Maddox: (interjects) I don't.
Dick: …are they affecting other things?
Maddox: Of course!
Dick: Ehh. (uncertain)
Maddox: You know, someone in the comments commented and said that if you…you know how, Dick, last episode, you were making the case that McDonald's is cheap and you can feed the entire family and bla, bla, bla, bla. Um…the thing is, you can go to…
Dick: (interjects) Cheap. Yeah.
Maddox: You can go to, like, a Costco, or something, and buy a bag of rice for, like, 3 dollars. A BAAAAAG of rice that'll feed your family for months, and then a head of lettuce, you know…some Spam.
Dick: (cracks up) Some cabbage.
Maddox: Some cabbage. Yeah, man. Make a big stew. Look, it's not good eating, but it's better eating.
Maddox: You know what? And it's cheaper than McDonald's, still.
Dick: Hey, here's someone who had a good point about what you were saying.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, this is Bryce from British Columbia. I just wanted to point out there's a Maddox Vs. Maddox between his McDonald's problem and his Hotdog Truthers problem. You can't attack the ingredients of McNuggets while hating people who point out the ingredients in hotdogs."
"Anyway, love the show, guys. And Dick, go fuck yourself.")
Dick: Up until then, he had a lot of good points. (Maddox laughs) That's a good point!
Maddox: The only good point…he made a good point during that voice mail, and that was that you should go fuck yourself.
Maddox: Yeah, that was the point! (grins)
Dick: Not what he was talking about.
Maddox: That was what he was talking about! That's what I'm talking about, buddy! I can talk…I can make a whole episode about how you should fuck yourself! But, look…look, man. The hotdog truthers problem that I had…
Maddox: Was that people come up to you and pull you aside like they're enlightening you with some knowledge that you didn't fucking know.
Dick: Uh-huh. (grinning)
Maddox: I know hotdogs are shit, and if I'm eating them, I know they're shit! I'm not eating them because they're high quality, and I'm not defending them, either!
Dick: Yeah, but you bitch about McDonald's in the same way, like, when I'm chowing down on a delicious, hot, golden-brown pack of Chicken McNuggets…(Maddox chuckles) If I have to. With a selection of sauces. What kind of sauce do you like?
Maddox: I like barbecue, and…
Dick: You can get that sauce.
Maddox: Spicy. Spicy barbecue.
Dick: You can get spicy. You can get both of those sauces.
Maddox: You can't!
Dick: When I'm eating that, you are always sticking your nose in what I'm eating, and shitting on it! That's hotdog truther 101!!!!
Maddox: No, I'm…(stammers) Dude! Every time you bring your bullshit-ass McDonald's, do I bitch about it!? No!!
Maddox: In fact…in fact…no, I don't!! I bitch about the wrappers you leave behind, dickhead! But I don't bitch about the McDonald's itself! Every time you…and, you know what? You offer me, sometimes, McDonald's, and I think you know I don't like it, but you offer it to me…
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: And what do I say? "No, but thanks for asking." I always say that, right? Because I'm a polite motherfucker.
Dick: Alright. (exhales) (Maddox laughs) The guy has a point. I don't know.
Maddox: Listen to this. I got a comment…
Dick: (interjects) Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Maddox: Yeah. What?
Dick: I got three words for you.
Dick: McDonald's breakfast. Come on.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: That's why it didn't score very high.
Maddox: You know, Dick, I used to be a fat kid, and one of the things my parents would bring home for me every day from McDonald's was McDonald's breakfast.
Maddox: Not every day, but after a certain age. I think around…uh, junior high.
Dick: Man, that's…not only is it good and it makes you happy, but also, well for me personally, if I got out of bed and got my ass in a car to a McDonald's before 10:30, I feel like a better person. Like, I feel like I accomplished something.
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: 'Cause, like, 11's the cutoff, right?
Dick: I think…no, I think it's 10:30.
Maddox: Oh, 10:30, okay.
Dick: I don't even know. 'Cause, like, if I can get myself out of bed that early…like, I did it! I feel like I did it, and I can conquer the day! You know what I'm saying?!
Maddox: Anti-intellectualism, guys. Go vote it up. (they both guffaw)
Dick: Somebody agrees with this, right?! Like, you did it! You won a race against GOD!! Against time!
Maddox: Sean…does he deserve kudos for that? Does he deserve accolades?
Sean: Why not? I'm generous tonight.
Maddox: Oh, fuck you!! Both you guys! This is a conspiracy.
Dick: You don't get up before 10:30. Get the fuck outta here! What are you doing before 10:30?!
Maddox: Yeah…yes I…I wake up, like around 8:30, and I'm a writer!!
Dick: (laughing) 8:30.
Maddox: 8:30's a good hour for a writer!
Dick: Yeah, right.
Maddox: I don't have to wake up! I can sleep forever, and I don't. I don't sleep forever.
Maddox: Although I can on my Casper mattress. Um…(laughs)
Dick: What else?! That's not a cas…it's a Harry's today. (Maddox laughs) You're gonna wake up…you have to wake up at 8:30 AM because that's when you start shaving your back with Harry's razors.
Maddox: Oh, okay. (laughs)
Dick: That's a compliment!
Maddox: That's a good…
Dick: A man should have a hairy back!
Dick: Man, I want, like, wings of hair coming out of my back!
Maddox: Uh-huh. (grins) Well…
Dick: (guffaws) That's cool. That's sexy.
Maddox: You're a few inches away from that, buddy.
Sean: Giant pompadour.
Maddox: Yeah. Look at this giant…and again, we're broadcasting this on Periscope, uh, Dick's got his giant-ass hair on here…(laughs) Uh, and his moustache.
Maddox: Which I can't impugn. That is a perfect moustache. Here's the thing, Dick. I got a comment from Steven Joseph Musgrove II. He said…so, last episode I talked about how I choose different carriers and companies, like cable companies. I go to Google…
Dick: By…yeah, yeah.
Maddox: And I type in the name of the company and I say, for example…
Maddox: Verizon sucks.
Maddox: And I see how many results it has and I go with the one that has the least number of "sucks". This guy tried…he said "I tried something today."
Dick: That's how I pick girlfriends, too. It looks like you had the least number of sucks, so…(Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. Well….uh…(laughs) You want…you want a low suck mileage on that kind of girl.
Dick: Yeaaaaah!! I wanna be special.
Maddox: Um, I got…so, Steven Joseph Musgrove II says…
Dick: (starts to talk)
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: He said, "I tried something out today." He went to Google and he typed in "Maddox sucks" in quotes and he got 159,000 results.
Maddox: Then he typed in "Sean sucks", 3.1 million results, Sean!!
Dick: Whoa, you suck, Sean!! (guffaws)
Maddox: And then he typed in Dick…
Sean: (interjects) All for me!!
Maddox: (laughs) He typed in "Dick sucks", 4.07 million results.
Dick: Only million. I thought that would be billion.
Maddox: 4.07 million people think that dick sucks.
Dick: Here, I got another voicemail for you. A lot of good voice mails this week.
(Voice mail: Male voice: "Duh, hi guys. (imitating Maddox's dorky voice) My name's Maddox. I'm super smart. (Maddox laughs) I brought on infantilism as a problem, but whenever I impersonate people whose opinions differ from my own, I have to talk in a dumb voice like this. I also like poopy jokes. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I do. (giggling)
"I throw temper tantrums when Dick brings in a bit I don't like… (Dick laughs) And I like banging on my ceiling with a broom until my mom brings me food. Yeah, fuck you, Mom. French Onion this time. (Maddox cracks up) I guess it just stems from a general lack of intelligence…"
"Or emotional underdevelerelopment… (they laugh) Woops, pronounced another word wrong, oh well. 'Cause grammar's a problem, but pronunciation isn't?! You fucking asshole!! (Loses dorky voice) (They crack up) Maddox, you literally have no penis. And I'm not exaggerating. That is not hyperbola…(laughs at himself) (they all crack up) Hyperbola. You're a fucking writer!!!! You moron!!! (cracking up) (They all laugh)
Maddox: Dick, is this you!? Did you leave this voice mail?! Asshole! What did he say I literally have?!
Maddox: Fucking idiot. Okay.
Dick: My dad comments on that one all the time, too.
Maddox: Cut that guy off! Cut this voice mail off! Cancel this episode!!!
Dick: It's over.
Maddox: I'm pissed aoff already! It's garbage. I don't…
Dick: It's hyperbole.
Maddox: Yeah, I get it!!! (angry)
Dick: Yeah. You know.
Maddox: I get it!!!
Dick: You got math on the brain, all the time. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah, tell me all about it, rhinocesauruses!!! (Dick laughs) Yeah, tell me all about these hyperboles!!! Alright, man. I got a comment from Izzy Nobert. Nobret. Whatever.
Dick: One and done. That's what we're doing now.
Maddox: He says, "Dick, you complain about telecoms colluding to fuck customers over and you imply the government should do something about it."
Maddox: Uh-oh. "I always find it funny when libertarians accidentally discover why regulations exist in the first place." (giggles) " That collusion right there? That's because beautiful invisible hand of the free market at play, son. Without anyone to regulate these fucks, that's what they will do inevitably. Still a fan, though. Izzy."
Dick: This…this must be what Trump feels like.
Dick: When a reporter asks a stupid question.
Dick: That's trying to stump him, but it can't be done. (grins) (Maddox laughs) They don't understand that it can't be done, right? You and I know it.
Dick: You obviously know he can't be stumped. (grins) I know, Sean, you know it. He knows it. But the reporters don't know it. They think he can be stumped. I feel it. I feel that unstumpening…(Sean laughs) wash over me, like a wave. Look. Do you even know what is a libertarian? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: What is…(Dick guffaws and Maddox laughs) I'm listening carefully to the….the…(cracks up)
Dick: Okay. First of all,.(grins)
Maddox: Yes, go on.
Dick: Telecoms are not free market.
Dick: They became a public good when we dumped hundreds of billions of dollars into them.
Maddox: Oh, the government sup…okay.
Dick: It doesn't matter….no, it's not the government's…there's no problems. This is the reality of the situation is, we paid them hundreds of billions of dollars to develop this system.
Dick: It's not the way I would have done it. It's not…what's…what? What, what, what, what?
Maddox: Yeah. Go on.
Dick: Okay. It's not…I lost my train of thought, I'm sorry.
Maddox: You said they dumped hundreds of billion of dollars in there…
Dick: (interjects) We did!
Maddox: That's not the way…yeah.
Dick: That was the decision. So at that point, it's a public good. There's…there's nothing libertarian about that. Not the way I woulda done it!
Dick: Not the way that guys like Coase. My favorite economist would have done it.
Dick: You know what I'm saying? Um…in this situation…we don't have a free market! It's…it's an oligarchy at best, right?
Maddox: Mmm. Mhmm.
Dick: It's an oligarchy that tries…that is getting away with monopolistic pricing because of political coercion.
Dick: They got everybody on the dime. They got everybody on the payroll. You see what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah. Vote for…
Dick: (interjects) I mean…(stammers) b…back to my point! What is…do you know what is a libertarian? (Maddox and Sean crack up) That's what my point is. Like, do you think libertarians walk around saying "Roads? Don't need 'em. In a libertarian utopia, you don't even need roads! You get everywhere with the power of your intelligence!" Like, do you think that's what libertarians want? No, they just want a little more free market competition for stuff like healthcare.
Maddox: Of course, yeah. Because…because when there was free market competition, everything was great, and then fucking Obama came and ruined everything!
Dick: It wasn't…it wasn't free market then, either!
Dick: You still have political corruption all over the place, Maddox.
Maddox: Ohhhh, okay. You know, I know what a libertarian is. I saw a meme floating around on the Internet…(giggles)
Dick: Yeah. That's what you guys think a libertarian is.
Maddox: No. No!! Because, you know what, Dick? There is no such thing as a libertarian, 'cause it's just a theory!
Dick: It's not a theory, it's an idea!
Maddox: Yeah, it's an idea. (laughs) It's an idea that hasn't been tested.
Dick: It's an idea that applies to a lot…to different scenarios.
Dick: You can't have a libertarian police force!!
Dick: Okay? That doesn't exist!
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Can't have a libertarian, it doesn't exist!
Dick: Pffff. But…(Maddox laughs) lighthouses got built before the government existed.
Dick: Do you know this? Do you know…this…this is the classic problem, right?
Maddox: Well…all or nothing! It's gotta be…look, we need government for everything or we need government for nothing! There's no in between!
Dick: That's not what libertarians think!! (Maddox chuckles) They don't think that!
Maddox: Show me a moderate libertarian! First of all, show me a libertarian. And then show me a moderate libertarian. There's no such thing!
Dick: I'll tell you…I'll tell you what. http://www.donaldjtrump.com. Go…(Maddox laughs) That is a moderate libertar…(laughs) First of all, unstumpable.
Maddox: Ahhhhh, fuck you. Alright. (Dick laughs) I got a comment here…I got a comment here from John M. Blasick. He says…(Dick sighs audibly) (Maddox laughs)
Dick: You think I'm gonna get more hate for the Trump stuff or the Reagan stuff?
Maddox: Definitely the Trump stuff.
Maddox: I think…I think that Trump is legitimately, probably a bigot. Uh…like, it's not even…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, my God.
Maddox: It's like bald-faced bigotry at this point.
Dick: Oh, my goodness.
Maddox: I think so. I think so.
Maddox: And what's great about him is that he's bulletproof, because he embraces it.
Maddox: That's…that's…(laughs) he's unstumpable. He's kinda like our good friend Asterios, friend of the show, who…
Dick: (interjects) Name me, off the top of your head…
Maddox: (interjects) Hold on, hold on.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: You remember our friend, Asterios, who…who debated in Tournament of Nerds where he came out…
Sean: (interjects) Now there's a racist. (Maddox giggles) No.
Maddox: He came out…he came out during the Tournament of Nerds.
Maddox: And he was arguing on behalf of the Polar Express.
Maddox: And everybody's argument against him…you know the Polar Express, that kids' book, you know, they made the movie.
Dick: Yeah, horrible CG Rotoscope movie, sure.
Maddox: Yeah. He, like, kidnaps kids and they…the subtext here is that he's a pedophile and a kidnapper and he's creepy, right?
Dick: No, absolutely not. That's the projected subtext, but go ahead.
Dick: That's not the subtext of the movie. (grins)
Maddox: I'm basing this on the arguments. I've never even seen the movie. Alright? (Dick guffaws) So, everyone was kind of suggesting…
Dick: Yeah, you'd hate it, there's songs.
Maddox: I would hate it. I would hate it. This…the subtext everyone was suggesting was that the Polar Express guy was a pedophile.
Maddox: And Asterios came out and he embraced it.
Maddox: He became bulletproof.
Maddox: Because, yeah. He came out and was like, "Yeah, the kids are delicious."
Dick: Well, Donald J. Trump is embracing America.
Maddox: Great. (scoffs) (laughs) Yeah, embracing it with his cock. I got a comment from, uh…John Blasick. He says, "Maddox, my Armenian girlfriend pointed out why your Armenian parents probably hate you. You believe in the Holocaust." (laughs)
Dick: Hmm. Is that true?
Maddox: Which…of course I do!!! (laughs) Which I didn't know…I don't think that's a thing that Armenians don't believe in. I've never heard that before.
Dick: I don't know.
Sean: Wait, is that a reference to the Armenian genocide?
Maddox: I'm not sure. 'Cause we don't call…I don't think the Armenian genocide…it was a holocaust, but we don't call it The Holocaust.
Sean: No. No, they call it…
Maddox: Where it's, like, "The Holocaust", right?
Sean: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: That's trademarked. You can't just call whatever that. (Sean laughs) I got a question for you, Sean. Wanna hear this?
Sean: Oh, good.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Sean, I just wanted to know. What type of guitar do you use? Do you use a Strat or a Kelly or do you use a Jaguar?"
Sean: Here it comes…
"Or…or…(goofy voice) Do you use a Les Paul, 'Hi, I'm Sean, I use a Les Paul, hahahah."
Dick: How does he know that? (laughing)
"Also, what type of pedals do you use?"
Dick: What type of pedals do you use, huh?
"Are you good?"
Dick: Are you good? He's calling you out!!
"And Dick…(long pause) you're a great guy.")
Sean: Aw, that's nice of him.
Dick: That guy's calling you out. Are you good?
Sean: I have a Strat. I have a Les Paul. I've got one that I had built. I've got a Martin Acoustic.
Sean: I dunno what else I have.
Dick: What did you have built?
Sean: I sold a Gretsch.
Maddox: Fancy pants! Fancy…good call. Good call. Awesome…I'm glad we had that call…(laughing) Listen, Dick. I got a…I got a song. I got a…this isn't quite as funny…it's a clip that someone took from our last episode.
Maddox: He said…his name is Mark Steiner. He sent this in and he said he made a supercut of our last episode. I wanna play this.
(Clip starts: "Today's show is shit/shit/shit/shit/shitty/shit/shit/shit/shit. Shitty/shit/shit/shit/shitting/shit."
Dick: Oh my god. (they both laugh)
Clip continues, bunch of different "shit"s clipped together. Also includes "shitting" "shits" from Dick and Sean.
Dick: Did you count these?
"One of the first times I ever masturbated was in the shit/shit/shit just seeps into everything. Shit's everywhere. And you want it on you. I would rather have shit on me than any other problem that we have on the list!!
Dick: You'd rather have shit up your butt than AIDS up your butt." (they all crack up) Go stump yourself. (closing theme riff))
Dick: That was pretty good.
Maddox: That was an abridged version of that last episode.
Dick: Lot of shit.
Maddox: I think he got it…he got it. He got the flavor of it.
Dick: Do you want to do problems now?
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. What do you got? What's your first problem.
Dick: Lemme see if I got any more good…I got some…alright. My first problem is…Getting Caught Ch…let's just do Cheaters. Cheaters. Cheating.
Dick: Cheating and cheaters.
Maddox: Are you sure?
Dick: Alright? Yeah, I'm sure.
Maddox: Which is it?!
Dick: Cheating and Cheaters. What do you think? Is it Cheating or is it Cheaters?
Dick: I'm gonna say…I'm gonna say Cheating.
Sean: Do you even know what are a Cheater?
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox chuckles) It's that guy….he sells Cheetohs. I know what a cheetah is…(Maddox laughs) Cheating.
Dick: Let's say cheating. Ashley Madison got hacked, right?
Dick: I think it's worth talking about.
Maddox: Okay. Alright.
Dick: I think cheating is worth talking about.
Maddox: So you think cheating is a problem?
Dick: Well, that's what I wanna talk about.
Dick: I don't know. I think it…it must be, because the emotional impact it has on people is devastating, and that's never gonna change.
Maddox: It can be, yeah.
Dick: So it must be a problem.
Maddox: Well…I have…I know some people who have been cheated on. And they…
Dick: (interjects) Me too. (guffaws) Ah, go ahead.
Maddox: They're called ex girlfriends, I'm sure.
Maddox: Yeah, dickhead. (Dick cracks up) Awesome. Awesome. Um, no. Cheating. So…I know some people who have been cheated on who bounce back pretty quickly and easily because they didn't really…they weren't that invested in the relationship.
Maddox: It ended and they said "Eh". And that was that. But I also know some people who were devastated because of the cheating.
Dick: Yeah, I know a…I know a girl whose mom went to an insane asylum when she got cheated on. How's that…a couple of years.
Maddox: She got cheated on and she went to an insane asylum.
Maddox: Wow. That's pretty heavy.
Dick: Pretty heavy. You know? There's no…this is…this is on the scale of death, but like, I'm not comparing your problem, 'cause you brought it in recently, I would have said that regardless. This is on that level for, like, emotional distress.
Maddox: Easily not. Easily…definitely not.
Dick: Easily not?!
Maddox: Definitely not, no. Because death affects so many people emotionally.
Dick: How can you say that?
Maddox: But cheating…again, I just gave you the example where…you know, there's a fair amount of people, I'd say about 30% based on my personal experience, this is totally anecdotal evidence…
Dick: (interjects) I brought a lot of stats, too.
Maddox: Okay. I wanna hear these stats.
Dick: So…but you keep going.
Maddox: I wanna hear these stats! But, I think based on my anecdotal evidence, I don't think that cheating affects people nearly as much psychologically as death. 'Cause that girl…that girl's mom who went to an insane asylum because she was cheated on…
Dick: Yep. Mhmm.
Maddox: She couldn't have been well-adjusted to begin with. 'Cause most people who get cheated on don't go to insane asylums. So she had to have had other shit going on.
Dick: Well, sure. Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. Well, what…
Dick: (interjects) I mean, if you say so. I don't…I don't know. I'm not an Armchair Psychologist.
Dick: This is…surely, you would say it's devastating. You know, here…here's another anecdote. I knew a psychologist who worked with refugees.
Dick: Like, out of death camps.
Dick: I think it was, like, Cambodian death camps or something. I don't remember the exact specifics of it. And…she said…that what they wanted to talk about, more than their horrific experiences in, like, concentration camps, was like, "Oh, so-and-so from another camp…I like them, but they have a crush on so-and-so in my camp. So I don't know what to do with that."
Maddox: That's what they wanted to talk about?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. Like, they would get through the 60-minute special of the camp stories, and then it's like, yeah, but here's what I wanna talk about. Like, this is what's really bothering me.
Dick: Is, like…these bizarre love triangles.
Dick: Right? So…
Dick: So that's what I'm saying. Maybe it's a big problem.
Maddox: I think it can be, yeah. Yeah. Definitely. It's definitely a big problem. I don't think it's on the scale…
Dick: It's certainly making headlines and we've got 38 million people on the Ashley Madison site that are exposed.
Dick: They're saying about 35% of them are fake, but that is still an assload of people.
Maddox: That's a lot of people.
Dick: And this…these are people who are stupid enough to go on a website.
Dick: Saying that they're gonna get to shack up with somebody outside of their marriage, right?
Maddox: Well, you know what, though, Dick? I almost signed up for an Ashley Madison account a long time ago.
Dick: Wow, I'm glad I brought this in. (Maddox chuckles) Please tell me the circumstances of this. Were you one of the singles going on the site? Or…
Maddox: I was a single. So, I was a single, and I thought, "Okay, that sounds pretty hot."
Dick: You thought, "Here we go. Bunch of married chicks?!"
Maddox: Yeah! (grins) No.
Dick: I'm Don Juan. I'm gonna swoop in there…
Dick: Right?! What do you mean, no?
Maddox: 'Cause I…here's where I got the idea. I was at a party one night, and there was this chick I was talking to. (Dick giggles)
Dick: It was a gigolo you were talking to who became your mentor.
Dick: No, no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Maddox: That's your life, man.
Dick: Go ahead. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: So I was at this party and I was talking to this chick, who is, um…aggressively horny. Like, she's…that's her thing. Like, everyone knows…
Dick: Please define that.
Dick: How do you know?
Maddox: She's DTF.
Dick: How do you know, though? What's…what do you see?
Maddox: 24/7. All the time. Always open. Like…because I know for a fact, because she goes out of her way to talk about it.
Dick: About how horny she is?
Maddox: Well, she's always talking about sex.
Maddox: Anyway, um…you know. And she's written blogs about it and you can read about her desires and her thoughts and she's done nude…
Dick: So it's like a brand for her?
Maddox: Nude photography. Not quite. She doesn't monetize it. It's just part of who she is and there's nothing wrong with that. I really don't think there's anything wrong with it. However, she said…she said at one point, I think it was her…but anyway, she said she hopped on Ashley Madison just to use it as a dating site. Because she said that she found that there were so many guys on there, and they all wanted to hook up with her. And I thought, "Well, that's a good idea. I should sign up for this." I was single at the time and I…
Dick: And you thought a bunch of chicks would be on there.
Maddox: Uh…you know, I went to the website. I didn't even get into the registration process. I got bored and I was like, "Ah, fuck it, there's porn. I'm just gonna go watch porn."
Dick: For some reason, I've always been immune to their marketing. Like, I'm a big Stern listener…
Dick: And every time I hear it on Stern, I'm like, "Everyone knows that this site is full of married men who wanna pretend like they would cheat on their wife." Right? Everybody knows that's what this site's for, right? Nobody could POSSIBLY be getting laid on a site catering to people who wanna have affairs.
Maddox: Well, that girl I mentioned, uh…had hooked up with several guys from the website, and she said she's had great experiences.
Dick: I dunno. I'm suspicious of that, 'cause it sounds like a brand, anyway.
Maddox: Her…her…that's what she does as her…
Dick: Yeah, I'm very suspicious of that.
Maddox: Yeah. I don't…
Dick: (interjects) Of chicks who do that.
Maddox: I don't think so.
Dick: Like, their whole…their whole, like, lifestyle online. They are their social media profile.
Maddox: Chicks who…well, you know what, though? After a while, she removed this stuff online, so I don't think it was. I think…it was on there for a little while, maybe she got too much attention, you know…(stammers)…
Maddox: It could be. It's one element. I think chicks like sex. And I think that they sometimes just want a no-strings-attached relationship. I've been in situations like that where I've dated girls, who, near the end, they just…they asked me. They literally asked me. They said, "Well, this thing's not working out, but can this just be a no-strings-attached sexual thing?"
Dick: Yeah, see, that's a…that's a trap.
Dick: 'Cause they want…they want more. They want you to hang around more. That's like the lure that they're trying to get you in with.
Maddox: Ohhhh. Hmmmm.
Dick: I'm 100%...like, I'm sold on that. No one could ever talk me out of that. 'Cause it happens a lot, and…I think more often than not, that's gonna turn into a relationship. Like, more than 50% of the time, when girls do that, it will turn into a relationship, so it's a good move on their part.
Sean: Wait, what…weren't you saying you're coming OUT of a relationship that way? Like where you're like, "Oh, it's not working out…"
Dick: That's how they get you back in, though.
Sean: Right, no, I understand that.
Maddox: But it also happened to me one night at a bar. I met a girl who was just like one night stand. She said, "Listen, I don't want a relationship or anything. This is no strings attached if we do this." I'm like, uhhh, well, that's perfect, uh…'cause I..(giggles) don't want anything either right now, so…
Maddox: Yeah, you know. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom!
Dick: Maybe I just have too much respect for women. (Maddox scoffs and they both crack up) That's probably the problem!!
Maddox: What an asshole.
Dick: 5% of the US is on Ashley Madison. 5%.
Maddox: Wow. Yeah.
Dick: Looking for an extramarital affair.
Maddox: That's a significant amount.
Dick: Yeah. Lot of .govs and .mils. How's that? That's pretty funny.
Maddox: Yeah. Decent amount. And I also read on there, there was an article I think I read on Wired about this.
Maddox: Where the guy talked about how truck drivers…he interviewed some people who were on Ashley Madison anonymously.
Maddox: And one of 'em was a truck driver who was driving across country and he spent something absurd like 290 days on the road and he said, "Look, I love my wife, I don't wanna leave her, but I'm really lonely out on the road and this is a thing that I do, and I'm not proud of it, but I need to do this." And another one was a housewife who said that she was married to a guy who was, like, 27 years her senior. She said she loves him to death and she is in a happy marriage with him, but he goes to bed at 7 PM and she said…
Dick: She gets the late night hornies. (grins)
Maddox: She gets the late night hornies.
Dick: Yeah. Oh, for sure.
Maddox: Yeah. She pops a couple off.
Dick: How old was he?! Is this, like Anna Nicole Smith and…billionaire tycoon.
Maddox: She was…I think she was in her early thirties. Yeah…you know, early thirties, fifties, something like that.
Dick: Sounds like a way out. I guess it's a solution, then, sometimes. Sometimes. I don't know. So how about this? This is an interesting stat. Um…is…is an extramarital affair wrong? This was the question posed in a survey. Um…1973. 70% of the responders said, "Yeah, it's wrong." 70%. That's it.
Maddox: In 1973?
Maddox: 70%...that's a pretty high amount. I would…
Dick: Pretty high!?!?! (incredulous)
Maddox: Well, it's 'cause…
Dick: (interjects) For "Is it wrong to have sex with someone outside your marriage?"!?!?!
Maddox: Well, it's consistent with the percentage of people who are puritanical in this country, essentially. Like, what is the…what is the Christian breakdown? 'Cause where do we get our ethics when it comes to sex? It's mostly Christianity who looks down on sexuality.
Dick: Ohhhhh. I think you've…no, but…I'm, like, I'm a very hardcore atheist and I would consider it wrong. Still do it…(Maddox laughs) But wrong.
Maddox: Then why do you do it, dickhead?!
Dick: Well, you know…sometimes you just gotta get out. Sometimes the relationship's falling apart and that's the best way to get out.
Maddox: Then get out!! Do it like a man! Pull the cord.
Dick: Yeah. That's like a principle, though. Right?
Dick: That's…what you're describing.
Dick: Do it like a man, pull the cord. But you can get…you can get more out of it…you can have your cake and eat it, too.
Dick: Well, yeah. You just have to be okay…like, it's hard at first, but like everything else that's wrong, the more you do it, the easier it gets. (Maddox scoffs) And then the more benefits you get. (Maddox groans, frustrated) I'm just…I'm explaining to you how it works, right?
Maddox: I…I've, like, gone into that feedback loop in my mind where there's so many things wrong with everything you just said.
Dick: You've been stumped. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: My brain…
Dick: That's what it's called.
Maddox: I can feel, like, my brain overheating, like, that, you know, that infinite loop!
Maddox: In computer programmer, where it just, like, crashes, core dump, I'm about to have a core dump.
Maddox: Everything you said was so wrong. First of all, Dick, it's an expression because it's true that you can't have your cake and eat it too. That's an expression because it's just commonly known. Like, you want everything. But you can have everything with honesty! I believe that. I believe if you're honest…
Dick: Oh, God. Yeah, if you're a good person, that works great! But what about for the rest of us?! (Maddox chuckles) Can't be honest all the time!!!
Maddox: Fuck you!! (laughing)
Dick: I love that you're so sanctimonious. Just be honest all the time. Yeah, well, what if I'm thinking bad stuff all the time. We're supposed to say that?
Maddox: Be honest. Be honest.
Dick: Be honest…(skeptical)
Maddox: You would be surprised. I have said some things to people.
Maddox: That I know. Especially girls I've dated. I don't know what it is, this compulsion I have to tell them things, and I know it's gonna hurt them, and I know it's gonna upset their feelings.
Maddox: But I figure, you know what? What's the alternative? That I bottle it up and I think these nasty thoughts?!
Maddox: And I don't say them ever?! And then…and then what? Am I…am I proud of who I've become, somebody who's dishonest, somebody who's not even honest with himself? If you're not honest with yourself, you can't be honest with anybody!
Dick: Yes, exactly. Do that.
Maddox: Do what?
Dick: Don't be honest with anybody, least of all yourself. (Maddox chuckles) No…(stammers) I mean, what are you…what are you supposed to say? They say, "What are you thinking about?" and you're like, "Oh, you're a walking collection of aphorisms and the world would be better off without you." (Maddox laughs) Is that…that's a great date. Very polite!!!
Maddox: Well, Dick…(sighs)
Dick: I'm a…I'm a well-mannered guy, you know?
Dick: I don't wanna be honest for the sake of just ruining a perfectly fine evening.
Maddox: Well, what are you gonna…are you gonna bang someone who you're not into!?
Dick: Of course. (Maddox laughs) What the fuck are you talking about?! What is Ashley Madison founded on?! Banging people you're not interested in. Who gives a fuck?!
Maddox: On any level?! Look, man. Here…I have this…
Dick: Well, physically, of course physically!
Maddox: Well, physically, I mean that's out of the question. But…but…here's an example. I find Jenny McCarthy repulsive. I think that her personality is atrocious and this was before her anti-vaxxer shit!
Maddox: Like, I'm not just saying that because of my ideology, I didn't even know about that anti-vaxxer shit.
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: Way back in the day, on MTV, I hated her personality. I hated how attention-craving she was. I hated how she was just out there to exploit everyone and do anything it took to kinda get…you know, get to that next pedestal. I sensed that.
Maddox: (giggles) It's not ambition.
Dick: Yeah. Go ahead.
Maddox: It's desperation. And I sensed that a long-ass time ago, where she's…she's a survivor. Definitely a survivor. But I…that's the best thing and also the worst thing I could say about her. Is that she's a survivor.
Dick: I think that's another trademarked term. I don't know if you can call anyone a survivor.
Dick: Uh, yeah, so what, you wouldn't bang her?
Dick: Oh, horseshit!
Maddox: Out of principle!
Dick: Horseshit! (laughs)
Dick: You wouldn't bang Jenny McCarthy out of principle!?
Maddox: I am so turned off. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why?
Dick: Before she had a kid?!
Maddox: I'll tell you why. No, definitely before she got a kid, and I'll tell you why. Here's how I found out one night. Um, I was looking at…I heard that some nudes of her leaked, you know, "leaked", of course, everything always leaks, but…(stammers) I heard some nudes of her leaked, right?
Dick: Wait, when?
Maddox: A long time ago…her tits are everywhere, man. She's posed in Playboy. So then I thought, "Oh, this is kinda hot. I'm gonna look her up." And my boner wouldn't work.
Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause I was not attracted to her.
Dick: 'Cause you were just very repulsed by her..
Maddox: I just ha…
Dick: By her attitude.
Maddox: Every time I saw her face, and just like nyaaaaaa, nyaaaaaaaa. Her fucking…obnoxious cackle.
Dick: I don't mind that kind of chick, though. 'Cause you hate those chicks who arranged that dance party for the fat guy, too.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. The worst.
Dick: I feel like those are the same kind of girls.
Maddox: The worst. Yeah. Insincere, phony, frauds.
Dick: Yeah. I could tolerate that.
Maddox: Bullshit, man! I don't wanna…I don't wanna stick my dick in that trap.
Dick: You wanna hear more stats?
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Please.
Dick: Sex…sexting. Sexting. 80…80% of women think sexting is wrong. 80%. That means 20% think it's not wrong. The decision of doing something wrong is hard enough when you…when you think it's wrong, it's still a contest. The contest is still uncertain. When you don't think it's wrong, it's anything goes! That's what's going on here. One…one-fifth of women…56% of men think it's wrong, so…hah. 44% of men have no problem with it. Sexting. What about you?
Maddox: With sexting…sexting like, outside of a relationship.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Oh, of course it's wrong.
Dick: But imagine the people who are just like, "Eh. No big deal."
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Huh. Well, some people…some people have…first of all, cheating…people have lots of different definitions of cheating.
Dick: That's what I'm saying!
Maddox: I have…I have a friend whose wife thinks it's cheating when her husband looks at porn!
Dick: Oh, my god. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Good luck with the rest of your life, bitch! You think it's cheating when someone looks at porn? Okay. Is it cheating on your diet if you look at food? Idiot!!?
Dick: Well it depends. On the porn thing.
Dick: (interjects) If they're using it as a substitute for sex, sure.
Maddox: Well, that's what porn is. It's always a substitute for sex. If you're in the middle of your masturbation, right?
Dick: Yes, okay, I'm listening. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay. Your dick…your dick's in your hand. Right. And then right there, suddenly, the opportunity appeared, bam! Vagina. You wouldn't take that?! You wouldn't take that over masturba…of course it's a substitute for sex! It always is.
Dick: Like floating in spa…yeah. Alright.
Maddox: It always is. But porn…porn is not cheating. Porn is no more cheating on your spouse than looking at food in magazines is cheating on your diet. It's not! You're not doing…first of all, there's no personal relationship with the performer. You're not calling them and talking to them, and when you're done, you press click and they're gone forever.
Dick: Yeah, but it's that it's taking the place of the other person. Like, that's why they're upset.
Maddox: Yeah, but…(stammers) you never…
Dick: It's more negl…okay, lemme say this. It's neglect, it's not…it can be neglect. Impossible to be cheating.
Dick: How's that?
Maddox: I'll give you that. Yeah.
Dick: Okay. (giggles) Whatever.
Maddox: (laughing) Diplomacy!
Dick: That's…I feel like Trump!
Dick: I'm making deals…(laughs)
(Sound effect: Baby laugh)
Dick: Alright. (Maddox giggles) Uh…how about passionate kissing? Would you consider that cheating? (grins)
Dick: (laughs) Yeah! 90% of women, 75% of men. (laughing)
Maddox: Passionate kissing…
Dick: Passionate kissing.
Maddox: 75% do or don't?
Dick: Think it's wrong.
Maddox: Think it's wrong. So 25% don't.
Dick: (guffaws) Fine.
Maddox: Ahh, it's good.
Dick: No problem.
Dick: Doesn't matter.
Maddox: You know, though…
Dick: (interjects) And I don't know if it's that they won't admit it's wrong and just do it anyway…you know what I'm saying? Like, they can't admit that they're just, like, kind of a bad person. Or a bad person flat out. (stammers) That might be part of it.
Maddox: At what point…at what point, though, is it…you know. When these people are doing these surveys and 25% say it's not a problem, it's not cheating. Passionate kissing. That phrase itself has some connotation that it is emotional and invested and involved.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Some of these…some of these fuckers gotta be cynical. They just gotta be cynics, saying, "Ha, okay. No, that's not cheating." I don't really trust the survey, though.
Dick: Oh, you think that's it?
Maddox: Yeah, there's gotta be. It's also like that survey where, you know, I've talked to people about rape statistics and things and they always throw this in my face, like "Well, one out of four guys has admitted that they would take advantage of a girl, blablabla." I'm like, well, that's a statistic in a survey that…you know, maybe some people are cynical and they just answer a certain way, because, you know, it comes down to the same question, like, would you cannibalize somebody? Well, I can say what I'm thinking now, but if I'm really fucking hungry in the pl…in the woods.
Dick: In the plane.
Maddox: In the plane.
Dick: Like, in one of those nine-hour delays to get on the flight.
Maddox: Yeah, it's a nine-hour flight. (Sean laughs) And there's a baby next to me.
Dick: And what if they're an asshole?
Dick: Yeah. Like, "Oh, you motherfucker. I'm eating you."
Maddox: What's that baby thinking?
Dick: In about ten minutes. Yeah, well, those are the stats, man.
Maddox: Alright, man. (stammers) Whoa…here's one big question, Dick, I have, that I didn't really hear in your problem. What do you think? Do you think it's wrong, or not? Where do you fall in those statistics?
Dick: Look, it's wrong, and it hurts people.
Dick: But, you know. Relationships are…are complicated.
Dick: You know?
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay. Well, so…but…(stammers) you SKIRTED the entire issue! You said nothing.
Dick: What do you…I said it's wrong.
Maddox: It's wrong and it's terrible and it hurts people, but what do YOU think?
Dick: That is what I think.
Maddox: Okay. (skeptical)
Dick: But…look, look, look. Here's what I think about it.
Dick: Uh…here's when I will do it.
Dick: How about that?
Dick: Um…I bring in a problem, much like this show, to the relationship, I'm like, "Hey, I got a problem with this."
Dick: And their first reaction is always anger.
Dick: Like, "What the fuck are you telling me?" "You're telling me I got a problem with me? Here's the problem I got with you!" This is like, okay. I hear what you're saying. Uh…we'll try this again in a week, right?
Dick: Week comes around, "Oh, yeah, well, that's just, like, who I am. You take me for what I am."
Maddox: Well, you're dating an idiot.
Dick: Okay. Great. I got it. Voop! Straight on to ashleymadison.com. (Maddox scoffs) (Sean laughs) What are you…what else are you gonna do?
Maddox: Nooooo. That's garbage. I'll tell you. I'll tell you, man. I was in a long relationship one time, and…near the end of the relationship, we were in this long, sexless relationship, and I was going nuts. And I…I told her, I said, "Look. I gotta have sex with somebody, and if it's not you, it's gotta be someone else." And we had that open and frank discussion. And we talked, and you know, it hurt her, 'cause nobody wants to hear that, but at some point, uh…we discussed possibly being in an open relationship and we discussed options, and we discussed things. And then near the end, we thought, "What are we hanging on to?" Like, I like her as a friend and she likes me as a friend, and we respect each other, but we had that frank and open discussion where it hurt a little bit up front, but it hurt way less than having been cheated on.
Dick: Yeah. You like those discussions, though.
Dick: I'll do anything to get out of those. (Maddox laughs) I hate them. When I have, like, a long conversation with s…a discussion like that with somebody.
Dick: I feel worse than when it started. Like wha…this was a huge waste of time.
Maddox: It's not, Dick!
Dick: Why did we spend three hours talking about this in my car in front of your house? This was a huge waste of time.
Maddox: No, it's not a waste of time.
Dick: Coulda watched three episodes of Breaking Bad.
Maddox: It's not a waste of time if you ge…(giggles) if you get somewhere. Tha…what?
Dick: SIX episodes of Bojack Horseman I coulda watched!!
Maddox: Okay. (skeptical)
Dick: What?! I'm not insulting you!!
Maddox: No, no. I get it.
Dick: Do you think I'm…like, why are you so depressed about this?!
Maddox: No, because…no. Because I don't think it's a waste of time. I really don't. If you…if you communicate effectively and you get someplace, right? You understand where they're coming from. They understand where you're coming from. If it comes down to the end of that relationship, 'cause it's a sad thought, like, it's the end of a relationship, right? It's al…it's usually sad. Although no good relationship ends, usually. But…(stammers)…
Dick: (interjects) Is that the definition of…what do you mean, no good relationship ends?
Maddox: No…ehhh, well, that's not true. I mean, sometimes good relationships come to an end. Look, man. The end of a relationship is usually a sign of distress. It's a tough time for people. But it doesn't have to be so shitty. It doesn't have to be…you know, let's compound the end of this terrible relationship with cheating. Let's compound the end of this terrible relationship with abuse and verbal abuse, and all these things that people…I honestly think that if people were more communicative and they discussed what they actually felt, and they felt the end of the relationship coming, rather than just going to Ashley Madison…like, you know, they've shifted their advertising. Have you heard on Howard Stern lately?
Maddox: So, their ads used to be "Cheat on your spouse, do this thing, go have fun. Life is short." Blablabla.
Dick: Mmm, it's true.
Maddox: They've sensed that the cultural barometer has shifted in this country, where people are not so okay with that advertising tone anymore, and they've changed it, so the new ads say something like, "Honey, I want to go have sex with other people." And he says, "Well, I don't want to hear that."
Dick: Yeah. No shit. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) And she goes, "Well, it's something I need."
Dick: Hah! It's a woman saying it!! Yeah, right!!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: Go fuck yourselves!!!
Maddox: And she says, "Look, I love you and I don't want to lose the kids. I don't want to leave the kids." Etc, etc.
Maddox: "You should look into it too." And so he goes, "Oh, maybe I will," And so that's how the ad ends and it has the stupid jingle.
Dick: What even is that anymore!?!
Dick: What is that…arrangement? What is that?
Maddox: I don't know.
Dick: Nothing. It's nothing.
Maddox: But if you have kids…
Dick: (interjects) It's a weird…
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno. If you have kids…there was an article. There was a social psychologist who wrote about this a long time ago and she had an article…she had an interview with NPR.
Maddox: Where she talked about the…she made a case for cheating, and she said that sometimes it can save relationships and marriage and there's some psychological thing that goes on, and that some people are wired to do that and they need to do that. And they can never be in monogamous relationships. Uh, there's a case to be made for nonmonogamy, evolutionarily speaking. But, uh…anyway, man.
Dick: Well…30% to 60% of married individuals in the US will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage.
Dick: There you go. I don't know. There's nothing…there's nothing. Like, unlike many of the other problems on the list…
Dick: There's no fucking solution for this. (laughs) Right?
Maddox: Well, I dunno.
Dick: Not even close. FGM? Education. Slacktivism. Stop complaining about it. Hunger. Uh…
Maddox: No, I got the solution, man. I got the solution. I think a lot of people who cheat…here's what I think…goes into the psychology of cheating. I think people who cheat…sometimes, they find somebody and they settle. And they think that they can never do any better. Then, at some point in their lives or their careers, they find out that they can. And they have more options and more opportunities. You know, there's that expression…
Dick: Is this a story about you?
Maddox: No, no.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: No. I've never cheated. I'm a loyal guy. But, uh, they get to that point where they may have other opportunities, right? And then…what's that quote? There's a quote. A famous quote from somebody who said, "You're only as faithful as you have options, or opportunities."
Sean: That was Tom Leykis. (Maddox laughs) It was!
Maddox: Okay. Bitch! Dump that bitch. (Tom Leykis voice)
Dick: How about you, Sean? You ever plough another farm? Another ass farm?
Sean: In a relationship? No.
Dick: Oh, good for you.
Dick: Good for both of you.
Dick: You're so great. (sarcasm)
Maddox: Oh, us fucking assholes. Us loyal dudes. No, man. They say that you're only as faithful as the options that you have, so I think some people…here's how you solve this problem, right? You…uh…liberate sexuality. Because in this country, we have this puritanical view of it, where everybody's covering their nipples. You know, Dick, you brought that in as a solution, Free the Nipple.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: I totally agree with that!
Maddox: The more sexual our culture becomes, the more liberated sex becomes. People stop freaking the fuck out about it. They have more sex. And then the more that they have sex, they'll stop, like, losing their minds and get all obsessed and horned up and every opportunity that comes along…you know what? They think to themselves, "I've sowed my oats. I'm okay. I like the girl I'm with. I like the guy I'm with. I don't need to do this."
Dick: Here's what you're missing.
Dick: Sex is a power game.
Dick: That's all it is, is a big power struggle.
Maddox: Yeah, for you!
Dick: We're gonna play it 'til the end of time. That's it. It's a big fucking problem.
Maddox: I feel like I'm looking into the abyss of psychological disorder.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Dick: And the abyss is staring back into you. (Maddox cracks up) If you had an acoustic guitar, you would be really dangerous at college campuses with this kind of talk about…
Maddox: Oh yeah!? (grins)
Dick: …sexual…"Hey guys, a got a jam about sexual liberation in the corporations. Gather around, everybody!!" (Sean laughs) Go ahead, what's your problem? I'm talking too long about cheating.
Maddox: Dick, before we go on, I gotta…I gotta say something. You would be dangerous around college campuses with that moustache. What do you use to shave it?!!?
Dick: Yeah!!! (Maddox laughs) I would…when I do shave it, I will use a Harry's razor. Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use promo code "biggestproblem", one word no space, to save $5 off your first purchase. Hey, how about Harry's, man. How's your Harry's razors doing?
Maddox: Holding up!! My Harry's razor is amazing. (grins) Again, like last episode you said, "I don't know how they make any money." They're really good, high-quality blades. We've talked about this multiple times. And the cream is…it's refreshing. It's cooling!! It feels great on my face.
Dick: It is. Their starter set is $15. That includes the razor, three blades, and your choice of Harry's Shave Cream or Foaming Gel. Um, as an added bonus you get $5 off your first purchase with our code! Biggestproblem. I think you get free shipping. Look, that's a month…that's month's worth of shaving for 10 bucks. At least. Mine's gone much longer than that, 'cause I don't shave every day.
Dick: I like looking a little rugged.
Dick: You know.
Maddox: Yeah, it looks…like, two days…two days going without shaving, I look great. I look sexy as fuck. I look like those, uh…soap opera stars.
Maddox: Yeah. The ones with eye patches.
Maddox: Sean, you like cream on your face? Alright, Dick.
Dick: You don't have to answer that. Hey, you can shave your back with these razors, too, I just learned that.
Maddox: I'm not shaving shit. Not on my back, buddy.
Sean: He has cornrows.
Dick: On his back?
Sean. Yeah. (Maddox sighs)
Maddox: More jokes. More jokes. Guys, you know what my…you know what the biggest problem in the universe is? I'm seriously putting this out there. Self-defeating thoughts. Have you heard of this?
Dick: Oh, boy. I've heard of a self-defeating thought. (grins)
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Maddox: Where…where is the first time you heard that phrase? Where have you heard that phrase?
Dick: Umm…probably some dickhead motivational speaker in, like, the eighties.
Dick: On the late-night infomercials, the guy with, like, a shitty hairpiece. Something like that. Like a Tony Robbins kinda guy with too many veneers. Like, more teeth in his mouth than a shark.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: Somebody like that.
Maddox: Nah, Tony Robbins does have an uncomfortable amount of teeth. Which is probably the normal amount, but it looks kinda crowded.
Dick: It's b…all of his baby teeth are still in. (Maddox laughs) And the adult teeth just grew in around 'em. With a bunch of schmucks from, like, North Dakota in the audience. In the Midwest or something.
Maddox: That guy's got some…that guy's got some chompers, man. Yeah, no. Self-defeating thoughts. I've never experienced it. I've never experienced self-defeating thoughts. I have the opposite. I have self-victorious thoughts. (grins) Yeah!
(Sound effect: Clapping)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Sean: No hyperbola there. (grins)
Maddox: Shut the fuck up, Sean! (Dick cracks up) Shut your fucking…shut your fucking tr…
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: Edit yourself out of the episode, dickhead!! Alright. No, I have self…I have self-victorious thoughts. I predict what I can accurately and then I exceed everyone's expectations and over-deliver. Every time, buddy!!
Maddox: Take that to the bank! You can invest it!
Dick: Do you have any examples?
Maddox: Of times I've over-delivered?
Maddox: I'll tell you a time…I'll tell you a time I've actually had, uh…a self-victorious thought, 'kay? I was snowboarding, right? And this was, like, my second time snowboarding. And I'm going down, like, the triple diamond…the hardest thing, like…
Maddox: Uh…uh…Shaun White. They had this little placard at the top of the resort.
Maddox: At the lift. And they said "Shaun White doesn't dare go down here."
Maddox: And I went down this triple diamond lift…route. And I was going…I was getting so much speed, and I'm an amateur. At snowboarding. At this point. And I thought…and I thought, "Man, I'm getting so much speed", and for a split second I was a little bit worried, and then I thought to myself, "No, fuck that. I can do this." And then I took a jump and landed it. No…no…that's no hyperbola. Dickhead.
Maddox: It's no hyperbole. I actually landed the jump. It was fucking amazing. I…I did it because I literally had a self-victorious thought. I literally thought to myself, "I can do this."
Maddox: And I did it.
Dick: Do you have any TRUE stories?
Maddox: Fuck you. (Dick giggles) That…the entire last half of everything I said was true, including "Fuck you." This is from Psychology Today. "Depressed neurochemistry focuses on negativity. Your thoughts dwell on sad things, such as times of loss, failure, disappointments, and ill treatment. When you remember one time something went wrong, memory networks line up for all the times that something similar went wrong, forming a category of things going wrong. And because depressed minds ruminate, repetitively revisiting that network, that category then solidifies into a path. A thought pattern that says it has always/never been this way." So it's a way of thinking, right? "Your neurochemistry causes you to create a past in which you will always fail, you are always disappointed, or in which you never get what you want." That's the problem with self-defeating thoughts. It happens far more frequently and far more commonly in people than…than you might think. This is something that leads to depressive thinking.
Maddox: Uh, it leads to suicide. It leads to failure. And it prevents you from trying new things.
Sean: It's very hard to change, too.
Sean: It's very hard to change that pattern of thinking.
Maddox: There is an entire…
Dick: (interjects) What are you, like, an expert on this now, Sean?
Sean: Oh, I am.
Dick: Why do you…why are you an expert on this?
Sean: I've lived this my whole life.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: You have those self-defeating thoughts?
Sean: And…and I know what you're talking about with the lighting up that network.
Sean: Over and over again.
Maddox: Yeah. I…I've seen it in other people. I've…I have some friends and people I've dated, even. Where you can see it happen. You can see the shift happen in their minds. As soon as they say something. Because you'll point out something…they'll say that something negative has happened to them, and you'll say, "Well, but there's a lot of positive going on."
Sean: That's right.
Maddox: Right? There's a lot of good things that are going on.
Sean: Yeah. It's not reality, but you think that it is.
Maddox: No. It's distorted thinking.
Maddox: It really is. And it's a huge, huge problem.
Maddox: This is something that affects a lot of people. It prevents people from following their dreams. It prevents people from trying. From achieving. Dick, you remember you brought in a problem…
Dick: That's the problem I brought in.
Maddox: Perfectionism, right. That was a good problem. But this one I wanna reference is "Dudes Who Need To Get Laid."
Maddox: Right? Guys who needs to get laid?
Maddox: One of the biggest problems with guys who need to get laid is they have self-defeating thoughts. And the first time, believe it or not, I read this…Neil Strauss' book, The Game.
Maddox: About, uh…pickup artists?
Maddox: That's the first time I encountered this phrase. Self-defeating thoughts. And he said that's the number one reason guys shell up and they don't…they decide not to…go after their dreams and go after a girl they might like. You know, they see someone in a bar or they see someone at school, or whatever they want to ask them, they don't have the confidence, they don't have the courage. And they have those self-defeating thoughts. "I'm not good enough."
Maddox: "I can't." "I'm not successful enough." "I'm not attractive enough." "There's someone who's more attractive than me." "There's someone who has more hair than me".
Dick: Uh, yeah.
Maddox: Uh, "There's someone who has…"
Dick: Stop right there. Go home.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Yeah. (giggles) But those are self-defeating thoughts. And they're not conducive. They will limit you and set you back. Listen to this. This is from the Bold…
Dick: (interjects) I honestly wanna hear more about that network that lights up. (grins) You gravitated on that immediately, and that seems like a very bizarre concept.
Sean: Well, your brain is like a muscle. There's…you know, your neural pathways and stuff, you know, they're forming at rapid rates when you're, you know, 2, 3, 4 years old. Like, you know, the majority of your brain forms at that point. But yeah, it's like using anything else. The ones that you use over and over again are stronger, and then ones that you don't kind of gradually just weaken.
Maddox: Yeah. It's like somebody who doesn't…
Sean: (interjects) That's the latest…that's the latest science of it.
Maddox: True, true. It's like a well-worn path in your mind. Your patterns of thinking. Your thoughts. Your thought patterns. The more that you exercise those regions in your brain, the more reinforced they'll be.
Maddox: Because it's something…it's just a fallback. It's a traditional,,,it's almost like a verbal tic, but it's a mental tic. You know how some people have verbal tics. They say, "Right?" You know, or they end every sentence where they say "like". They say "like" a lot.
Dick: Yeah, I know what is a verbal tic. (Maddox cracks up)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
(Sound effect: Audience laughter)
Maddox: That was brilliant. (still laughing) Um, yeah. So they…they have these recurring…these recurring thought patterns.
Maddox: Um, that are destructive to them because they'll get reinforced and they'll get depressed and they'll lead to all sorts of nasty things.
Dick: That's c…that's a liquor loop. Now I know what you're talking about!
Maddox: A liquor loop. What's that, alcoholism? (Sean laughs)
Dick: Yeah. It's a liquor loop. No, (scoffs) come on. Don't be so crass. Vulgar…
Maddox: (interjects) Is that what you're referring to?
Dick: Ehhhhh, I don't know. It's called a liquor loop.
Maddox: (interjects) Wha…
Dick: When you get in that loop…
Dick: And it's like every day, you think, "Oh, I could just slam a glass of whiskey. It's like 3. I put in a lot of work today."
Dick: Lemme just throw…lemme just have a little bit of Wild Turkey on the rocks here, just to get me to, like, 7 PM.
Maddox: Yeah. Sure.
Dick: Next thing you know, it's 5:30 and you're ordering Indian food for six people. (Maddox giggles) Oh, just for you. That's a liquor loop. Then the next day, you wake up and you do it again.
Maddox: Dick, I feel like you've described, like, every weekday for you. (Dick chuckles) Every weekday. 'Cause we've done that before.
Dick: It's hard to get out of!! It's hard to get out of!! 'Cause you (stammers) get used to it.
Maddox: Yeah. No, it…it really is.
Dick: It compounds.
Maddox: It really is. I know we joke about it, but it really is! It's a really tough thing. It prevents you from trying new things, as I said. This is, again, from Psychology Today. They said, "This kind of categorical description of past events becomes a prediction of things to come", which is the gambler's fallacy, essentially. Past predictions don't affect the future?
Dick: Oh, you just get negative about everything?
Maddox: Yeah. "The idea that you are destined to fail will prevent you from trying new things. Few thoughts are more likely to prevent change than those that predict defeat. Self-defeating thoughts are central in maintaining depression and blocking change. The most common self-defeating category of thoughts stems from the belief that we are doomed to letting our past determine our future. In fact, this misery-inducing mantra, "I have always been this way", is responsible for stopping people cold, dead in their tracks, before they even attempt to change a behavior or emotion. Such thoughts are depression-reinforcing." And I'll tell you, man. I used to ha…I used to suffer from depression, a lot. I used to be really depressed, especially in my early 20's. I was suicidal. I was suicidal. I totally get it. I totally get that…that…
Dick: (interjects) How suicidal? What do you mean, suicidal?
Maddox: Well, umm…I mean, I thought about it. I thought that "I got nothing to live for," you know, "Life sucks". "This is garbage." Everything's terrible. I was a miserable person. And anytime anyone asked me how I was doing, my default response was "Shitty." Right?
Maddox: And I remember the day I realized I was depressed, was when I was at work. I was sitting on a bench outside. And some of my coworkers came up to me and they said, "Hey Maddox, what are you doing this weekend?" And I said, "Oh, I don't know. I don't have any plans." He said, "What do you want to do?" And I thought about it, and my answer was "Nothing". I thought, I don't really wanna do anything. I didn't want to play video games. I didn't want to eat.
Dick: That's depression?
Dick: Oh, shit!
Maddox: When you don't want…when you don't want to do anything. Like, liter…it wasn't in a…in a relaxing sense, like, "I just want to go home and unwind."
Maddox: It was in a sense like, "Nothing brings me joy."
Dick: "I have no hopes or dreams."
Maddox: No hopes or dreams.
Maddox: Nothing. I don't want to do anything. And video games were my favorite thing, and I didn't even wanna play video games. And then that's when I realized I was depressed, and so out of desperation and depression, I decided to experiment. I actually overcame my depression this way. And I didn't read this anywhere. It was just an experiment I did on my own.
Maddox: I thought I was gonna start lying to people.
Dick: Great! (big grin) Yes!!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I thought, "What do I have to lose?" Right?
Dick: Only gain!!! (Maddox laughs) Only gains!! And if you lose, lie about it!!
Maddox: What a dickhead. No. I…I said "I'm going to start lying to people all the time," And I decided a specific type of lie, right? Uh, if they asked me how I was doing, I was gonna tell them the opposite.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: I was just gonna start fucking with it.
Dick: Fake it 'til you make it, kind of thing.
Maddox: I didn't know…
Dick: (interjects) Is that where you were going?
Maddox: I didn't know that that's what it was!
Dick: Sure, sure, sure. Go ahead.
Maddox: But essentially, yeah.
Maddox: I decided to tell them the opposite. Uh, people would ask me how I was doing and I said, "Great." Or "Excellent."
Maddox: "Better than ever". And I remember, too. I remember typing "better than ever", and then someone wrote back and they said, "Why?" and I thought, "Well, shit." I didn't think that they would ask.
Sean: I've dug myself a hole now!!
Dick: Now I gotta really gin up the lie machine.
Maddox: Uh-huh. And so then I thought about it, well, I thought, "What could I possibly say here to just get them off my back?"
Maddox: And I said, like, the simplest thing ever. I just said, "Well, I thought about it, and I thought, "Well I guess I'm in college, and I'm about halfway towards graduating…" So I said that. And then I…and then I told another person, they said, "Why?" And over the course of two weeks, I kept trying to justify why I was in a good mood, and I said, "Well, I got a family."
Maddox: I said, "I got a roof over my head." I got a good paying job. Uh, I'm relatively healthy. I'm young. I have my life ahead of me. And then I thought…(stammers) I said, "I own hundreds of video games." I have all this…(Dick guffaws)
Dick: That was the capper! (Maddox laughs) Then you exploded and a rainbow shot outta your butt.
Sean: "But I don't have a jet pack".
Maddox: No…or the Crown Jewels!!!
Dick: Yeah, jet pack for him would be bad.
Maddox: Yeah. No, it would be good!!!!
Dick: Straight to jail. (laughs)
Maddox: I'd accomplish one of my life goals!!! Anyway, man. Um, so over the course of two weeks, I found that my life had shifted, my philos…my mindset had shifted.
Maddox: My perspective had shifted. And that's when I stopped having those self-defeating thoughts. Well, so much. I mean, I still do, especially when I'm writing.
Maddox: Oh, man. You should get in my head with my demons in a few minutes. But, uh..
Sean: They're a knee-jerk reaction.
Maddox: What, the demons?
Sean: N…well, no. The self-defeating thoughts. You just learn to not listen to 'em.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Sean: But they're…they'll always be a knee-jerk reaction, to some extent. Like you said…when you're stressed…
Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait. What do you mean? When do you think about? When do you think, like, self-defeating thoughts like you're talking about? Like, what do you think and when does it happen?
Sean: Uh, sometimes when you're gonna try something new or go into, like, a new career, or something like that, and you're stressed out about it.
Dick: You think, like, "Goddamn it, that time I deleted the podcast. That's gonna haunt me forever." (Maddox cracks up) Does that happen?
Sean: It…it…well, it has haunted me forever. I'm still here. I…
Dick: I'm serious! What do you think? When you're, like, entering those situations? Just self-doubt?
Sean: Well, I'm currently tracking everyone who's ever left a voice mail about it.
Sean: They'll be getting a package. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay, Sean. The Unibomber.
Sean: Oh, you meant generally.
Dick: Domestic terrorism.
Maddox: Yeah, in general? Yeah, man. Um, so, over the course of the la…I would say the next…after I did that experiment, right? That was in my early twenties? Then for about 12 years of my life, I didn't experience depression. I didn't experience it again for about 12 years.
Dick: Did you do that for 12 years, or did it come more naturally?
Maddox: It came naturally. It came naturally. I…I started…I remember…I mean, this sounds super…it almost sounds like hippy-dippy bullshit.
Dick: Oh, it's sounded like that since you started the story.
Maddox: Fuck you, Burning Man!! (Dick cracks up) I don't need this shit!!
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: I remember waking up one morning and just thinking, "Well, that's another day I'm alive. That's cool."
Maddox: And I was so happy just to be alive. I really was.
Maddox: 'Cause I remember waking up in my apartment. It was my new apartment and it smelled good. And I thought, "Wow, this is…this is unusual." (laughing) No, but I really thought…I really thought, "I like the smell this morning, and I like that I'm alive this morning."
Maddox: "And I don't care what happens to me today. At least I started out alive." Like, that's a good thing, right? My perspective completely changed. I didn't get depressed until, uh…I would say about two years ago. And then, again, I went through and I practiced, and I practiced these mental thoughts, and you know, overcame. Overcame.
Maddox: But that's…these self-defeating thoughts, man. They're…they're a bitch. You ever experience those, Dick?
Dick: Uhh….(sighs) Yeah. Yeah. Lemme think. I'm trying to…well, I mean, I don't just wanna say yes. I hate when people say yes and identify with, like, bad things, you know? They're like "Oh, I feel that way, too. All the time."
Sean: See, he never seems like he does, to me.
Sean: 'Cause he…he'll try anything.
Maddox: No, I…I've seen it.
Sean: Oh yeah?
Maddox: I've seen it, I've seen it. Yeah.
Dick: Oh, please tell me.
Maddox: Because we're good friends. No, I don't wanna get into personal shit.
Dick: Why? I don't care.
Maddox: No. No. No, because…because…
Dick: (interjects) What is it in regards to?
Maddox: No…I've seen it…I've seen it in the way that you think about…sometimes, you ruminate about things…things about life, where your life has been, where your life has headed.
Maddox: I'll see it sometimes. Yeah.
Dick: Where has my life been?
Maddox: I'll give you…I'll give you a second to think about it, Dick, but I wanna go back to your problem about Dudes Who Need To Get Laid.
Maddox: This is from http://www.thebold.com. They said…"Here's a self-defeating thought. If I were hotter, skinnier, smarter, or more interesting, I'd have someone by now."
Dick: See, but I don't think stuff like that. Like, everything negative I think about myself is just laziness.
Maddox: That you're lazy?
Dick: Yeah. It's like, "Well, why don't I have this?" "Well, 'cause you didn't do it. 'Cause you didn't work for it."
Dick: Like, (stammers) that's it.
Maddox: But that's rational. That's not, like…
Dick: (interjects) That's what I think! Like, that's what I always come back to. It's not shit like that, like, "If I had this, my life would be better."
Maddox: No. No.
Dick: It's like, "Well, you should have worked harder for it, man."
Maddox: Well, this doesn't apply to you, but this is definitely a huge…
Dick: (interjects) Okay. Keep giving me some more examples, then.
Maddox: Okay. Well this is a huge subset of…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I don't identify with what you were talking about, either, Sean. Like, when you're trying something new and you are…you're like doubting yourself about it.
Sean: Well, I think a lot of that forms really early. It depends on who your role models are growing up? You know. I think. I mean, that's what the experts seem to think.
Dick: Yeah. I…I believe that.
Maddox: Well, Dick, that…
Dick: My parents aren't like that, either. Like, they're like, "Go fucking kill 'em, go go go go."
Sean: No, they're not. No, they're not.
Maddox: Your parents are…your parents are very…encouraged you when you grew up, right?
Dick: Yes. Yeah, all the time.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, that's great.
Dick: Too much, probably.
Maddox: Yeah. Definitely too much.
Dick: Too much.
Maddox: (scoffs) We gotta have a talk.
Maddox: No, but these guys…a lot of people…and girls, too. Um…
Dick: (interjects) They won't even say no.
Maddox: They wouldn't say no to you?
Dick: Yeah. They were so, like experimental…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, those parents, huh? (grins)
Dick: And hippy-dippy. When I was,like, 2, my mom wouldn't use the word "No".
Maddox: What, did you parents go to Berkeley?
Dick: Uh…no. They did not go to Berkeley.
Maddox: Big Dukakis? Was Dukakis the, uh…he got tru…he got stumped by, uh…Reagan, right? Dukakis was his…
Dick: Or was it…yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: The second. No.
Dick: Dukakis was Bush!!!
Dick: Yeah. Mondale was Reagan.
Maddox: Mondale was Reagan, yeah.
Sean: Was Reagan's second term.
Maddox: Yeah. "Hold my opponent's lack of…"
Dick: (interjects) That was…that was a half a stump compared to the stumping you're gonna see.
Maddox: Oh, yeah? From Trump?
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: So they say…so these are a lot of people who have these self-defeating thoughts when it comes to dating.
Maddox: They think, "If I were skinnier", "If I were smarter", "If I were more interesting, I'd have someone by now." Right? And this is their response. They say, "Insecurity is one of the most useless emotions." I mean, think about it. When…what has it done for you lately? What has insecurity ever done for you? Not a damn thing, right? Except maybe bum you out and keep you down. And the worst part is, because confidence is the single most attractive quality a person can have, focusing on your weakness actually makes you less attractive. So this self-defeating thought…is a feedback loop that makes you even worse, because you think these things about yourself and then you actually start behaving that way.
Maddox: I…that's why sometimes, dude, I'm a big party crasher, and I'm not gonna get into it right now, but I've gone party crashing with friends, right? And I tell them, "If you wanna come along with me, you have to think the thoughts."
Maddox: You have to…(stammers) one of my friends was gonna come with me party crashing one time, and they said, "Well, what if we don't get in?" I said, "You're not coming."
Dick: You're not getting in.
Maddox: You're not getting in. You've already failed this test. You don't…there is no "what if". I belong at this party, I'm gonna get into this party, end of story. I get…it's not like The Secret bullshit, either, it's an entire mentality you have to actually believe.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause if you don't, they can sniff a rat. They can sniff a rat. I feel like you're incredulous about this whole thing, Dick. Or are you actually thinking about self-defeating thoughts?
Dick: No, I'm just trying to ident…just trying to find a way to identify with this problem, like, you put the challenge. I 100% agree with what you're saying.
Dick: Fake it 'til you make it. Act like you're supposed to be there. That's…you know. That's my MO to the…like, I'll do…if somebody says, "Do this." I'm like, "Yeah. Yes. I can do that. Yes. Whatever it is. Yeah, sure."
Dick: "Well, are you sure?" "Yeah, totally."
Maddox: No. No. But then, where's the follow-through? Do you have the follow-through?
Dick: Of course! You have to.
Maddox: I…I don't think that it's…
Dick: (interjects) It's an opportunity.
Maddox: Well, what's the difference between….when it comes to thoughts. Specifically, thoughts about trying to change the way you think. What is the difference between faking it and actually being it?
Dick: No difference.
Maddox: There's no difference, right?
Dick: No. No.
Maddox: So, essentially, it's not faking it. When you actually think it…
Dick: Yeah, but you have to fake it at first.
Maddox: Maybe the first time you ever do it.
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: I…I think that even that, the first time you ever do it, is not really faking it, either.
Dick: Well, you can look at things in a different perspective, then. How's that?
Maddox: Well…okay. That's fair. But I really think that when people do this…when you actually think these thoughts? That's the change. That's all you have to do. It is literally a difference in perspective. That's all it is. It's a difference in perspective. That is the…there's a chasm of people who do, and people who don't. And in between that chasm are these self-defeating thoughts.
Dick: Yeah. (half-hearted)
Maddox: That prevent you from achieving.
Dick: Do you do talks about this stuff?
Maddox: I know. I sound like an asshole.
Dick: Do you do talks about this stuff?!
Dick: You do sound like an asshole.
Maddox: I know! I sound like such a prick! (Dick cracks up) I sound like every one of those fucking…shithead marketing guru, uh, you know, life coach.
Dick: Yeah, you do!
Dick: 'Cause it's a big problem. Because people…
Maddox: (interjects) But I…
Dick: No, no, no. Hold on.
Dick: Because everyone needs this. Like, millions of people need…to stop doing this.
Dick: And they need to hear it!
Dick: Like, it's just…it's as simple as that, especially when you're talking about getting laid. It is…you see these, umm…you see, like, an image in your mind. You can picture some smokin' hot, trophy girlfriend with some, like, rich troll.
Dick: Right? And you think, "Oh, she's just a gold digger out for the money." But it's like, "Yeah, but also, he might just think that highly of himself." And you can project that.
Dick: Onto people. Like, you…don't write her off as a hooker, or whatever. She might be! I don't know. But…he could also just be a very charismatic guy who believes in himself, and that's very attractive.
Dick: And that can…that can knock you up several points on the attraction scale.
Maddox: Oh, absolutely, man. I mean, I know, there's guys out there…
Dick: (interjects) You never see the reverse, though.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: Do you? Like, some little troll. I guess Hugh Jackman.
Maddox: What about him?
Dick: Hugh Jackman is like…that's why everyone says he's gay.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: 'Cause he's very attractive and his wife is, like, ho-hum. Right?
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. His wife. Yeah. Have you seen his wife, Sean?
Dick: I dunno.
Dick: That field is barren. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No apples in that orchard.
Dick: No. (grins)
Maddox: No cherries.
Dick: What were you gonna say?
Maddox: Yeah, uh…yeah. It actually is. That embodiment of confidence.
Maddox: Changes the way you think. Helps you achieve…you overcome everything. You overcome all your obstacles, because…you think there's always someone more attractive than you. There's always someone more successful than you. They have more money than you. They're more popular than you. It doesn't fucking matter.
Maddox: And it has everything to do with your inner thoughts. Your inner monologue. What you actually think about yourself. And whether or not you can achieve, because you can put those thoughts into action. You can…it changes the way you carry yourself. I used to be…even my body language, man. When you…if you'd seen me, like, seven, eight years ago? I was kinda, like, slumped over like a tombstone all the time. And I did…I didn't feel very confident about myself. And I felt…I didn't feel as attractive. I didn't feel as worthy as some other people.
Maddox: But these were all things that I actually worked on. This is…and it's not something…that's the thing, Dick. You say that laziness is…laziness is your self-defeating thought? Fair. That's totally fair.
Dick: It's not self-defeating, though, it's genuine laziness.
Dick: It's that I'd rather…it's that I'd rather spend all my time being three beers deep. Like, my problem is not this problem. It's a big problem, but it's not my problem. You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, well. Eh. I could see that. I could see that with you. But these self-defeating thoughts affect a lot of people.
Maddox: And they affect them in lots of nasty, terrible ways.
Maddox: And it's something that…that needs to stop. People need to…people need to stop reinforcing their bad, negative habits, and start embracing good ones. Man, I sound like such a fucking dick.
Dick: You sound like a HUGE dick.
Maddox: I know. I'm gonna throw myself off a bridge.
Dick: Where is this comment from?!
Maddox: I don't know! Because I don't even watch these social marketing experts! I don't watch these life coaches, or anything. I really don't and I don't give a shit. I've never seen Tony Robbins. I've never gone to…I've never gone to any seminars. I don't know where this is coming from.
Sean: No, you learned it from experience.
Maddox: Yeah. That's…
Sean: That's as easy as it gets.
Dick: That's how they…that's how they start their seminars. "I learned all this through experience!" (grins)
Dick: They sucker you in with that shit!
Sean: Yep. But…
Maddox: How do you know, Dick?!? (laughs)
Sean: They can't convince you of it unless you do it.
Dick: I love m…um…
Sean: You might walk out of there high for a little while, you know, like, "Oh yeah, it's so great!"
Sean: But you'll go back to your old habits unless you actually, like Maddox said, make that concerted effort to do it.
Dick: To do it? (grins)
Sean: Yeah, to do it. To actually…
Maddox: You actually have to do it, yeah.
Sean: Attempt to make that change.
Sean: You haven't even mentioned the physiological effects of what it does.
Maddox: I don't know. What is it?
Sean: Neurotransmitters and stuff? That positive outlook helps you make serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine. All the stuff that your brain needs to…
Dick: (interjects) Nora Ephron? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No, that's true, Sean. It actually does. It releases more dopamine inside your mind.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: It reinforces the pos…it changes your neurochemistry. Your brain neurochemistry to not be one of depression.
Dick: Here's…(stammers) There's a lot of hype, here. There's not a lot of plan, though. You know?
Maddox: What do you mean, not a lot of plan?
Dick: Well, you…like, what's the plan? Fake it 'til you make it?
Maddox: It's not faking…
Dick: Focus on the good stuff?
Maddox: Okay. Stop right there, Dick! You're fucking up! That's your first problem right there! Saying the word "fake". It's not faking! Because you acknowledged earlier…
Dick: (interjects) It's all fake.
Maddox: No, it's not. You acknowledged earlier that the…there is no difference between, uh…a fake positive thought and a real positive thought.
Dick: I know, but you're still getting off into the weeds again.
Maddox: Because they're the exact same thing. No!
Dick: You're still getting off into the weeds again. This doesn't help people who have negative thoughts!!
Maddox: It absolutely does, 'cause you're looking at him!
Dick: That's a slogan. What you say is a slogan.
Maddox: And by the way…and by the way…and I still…I rant and I bitch and I…you know, I'm Maddox, right? I fucking…hate a lot of things…
Dick: And now you're basically writing a "Hang in there, kitty" poster.
Dick: Like, that's what this IS!!!
Maddox: Fuck you, dickhead!
Dick: Is "focus on the good things in life"! What the fuck!? Sing it on the cross!
Sean: It worked for him. It might not work for everybody.
Maddox: But…but again, that…first of all, as Maddox….as Maddox, when I write my shit, right?
Maddox: People are like, "Oh, you're so full of hate. You're so negative." Blablabla…
Dick: You are.
Maddox: I don't see it that way. I don't see it that way. I see it as CARING, right? I bitch because I care. I want things to be better. That's why I complain. And that's why I do what I do. K…hating is the most…is the best form of caring, buddy!!!
Maddox: Biggest form of caring. That's what I am. Father Santa Claus of Hate!!
Maddox: Big old…big old turd sack of hate right down your chimney. What, Dick?! What's your problem?!
Dick: Oh, um…oh, okay, I got one more fast one.
Dick: Uh, Too Long Shorts.
Maddox: Too long of a short? (laughs)
Dick: Too long of a shorts. Too Long Shorts. (Maddox still laughing) You wear shorts?
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Dick: You wear shorts, or are you a jeans guy?
Maddox: I'm wearing shorts right now, buddy.
Dick: You wear shorts. You like shorts. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. Ah, sometimes.
Dick: What…what happened to us?
Dick: What happened to us between the 70s and now?
Maddox: What's wrong?
Dick: Where, when you go buy shorts now…
Dick: You cannot get a pair of shorts that don't go down to your…to past your knees.
Maddox: What are you talkin' about?
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Are you kidding me?! We are in the golden era of shorts, baby!! Girls are walking around in the shortest shorts I've ever seen! I'll…all I see is underbutt!! Every day, all I see is under butt!
Dick: Okay. Too short of shorts for men.
Maddox: You're saying that they're too short for men?
Dick: No, I'm saying that our shorts are way too long, man! Why are…since…why are guys…why are we so embarrassed about showing thighs?! (incredulous) This is what's…this is what we're doing?
Dick: We're men and we're wearing, like…we're basically wearing dresses.
Dick: We're basically wearing pants.
Dick: What the hell is this?!
Maddox: I'll tell you.
Sean: Are you…are you spending time in the Capri pants section? (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: I hate Capris.
Dick: I might as well be, Sean! I gotta go on EBay to buy my shorts, now, so I can show off these legs from leg day. What are you gonna say?!
Maddox: Oh, yeah, from leg day. Please. (scoffs) You don't have shorts, then, my friend. Um, I'll tell you why.
Dick: Try…I dare you. Try to find some shorts that go up to an appropriate length.
Maddox: Yeah. You know why?
Dick: For a man.
Maddox: You know why they make 'em that long?
Maddox: Mormons. (Sean laughs) Uh-huh. Mormons. I'm from Utah…
Dick: What the fuck are you talking about?
Maddox: Yeah. I'm from Utah. And here's the thing, right? Um, they say…(stammers) they like to be called…
Sean: Those national fashion trendsetters, the Mormons.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: No, no. It's not about trendsetting. Here's what it is. Uh, LDS. LDS men, they have to wear garments, right?
Maddox: They ha…it's their under…their under armor.
Maddox: Their under-armor, right? And those things go down pretty long. They come down to your knees.
Dick: Another trademarked term. Go ahead. Yeah.
Maddox: Uh-huh. What?
Dick: Under Armour.
Maddox: Under Armour? Is that a…I don't know.
Dick: That's the sporting wear. Under Armour.
Maddox: Oh, I didn't know that! Okay, well, whatever. It's their garments.
Maddox: And they we…those things come down to your knees. And I…all my Mormon friends liked to buy really long shorts because they like to cover their garments. Otherwise, it looks like they're wearing shorts over shorts.
Dick: But that's not the reason it's like this nationally.
Maddox: I dunno, man.
Dick: In the 70s, man, beautiful shorts for men. Right?
Dick: As long as the ball sack. That's how long you want your shorts to be.
Maddox: (giggles) No, man!!
Dick: And then cut off right there, so there's always some danger.
Maddox: Ohh. (groans, laughs)
Dick: Shit's flopping out! And getting seen by a kid, right?!
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) (Sean laughs)
Dick: And that kid's gotta go "Mommy, what were those…what was that?" And mom's like "Oh, son, those were some big balls." (grins)
Dick: That's what that was. (grins) What happened between then and now!?!? (Maddox giggles) These are…this is a progression! These shorts…these fucking shorts that I buy, wherever I buy them, are a progression toward wearing a dress. (angry) That's what this is.
Maddox: Get outta…look, man! I like to let my boys breathe a little bit.
Dick: That's what this is!
Maddox: I don't want them bunched up like in the 70's, man!
Dick: You're part of the problem.
Maddox: Get outta here!
Dick: You're part of the problem.
Dick: What can you do…what can you even do in these? How many pockets do you need on a pair of shorts?! How many…
Maddox: I love pockets!!!!
Dick: How many pocket knives and flashlights do you carry around?! 20? I need cargo fucking shorts?!
Maddox: You know what, dickhead?
Dick: I need to be able to fit two canteens in my pockets at the same time!? Go ahead.
Maddox: Like, this is…this is something…yeah. This is something kinda interesting. I didn't realize this until I went to…(giggles) Six Flags in California for the first time. And in Six Flags, there were a bunch of…there were a bunch of tourists walking around and I noticed that there was almost, like, a tourist uniform, because I'd been in Los Angeles for a while, and I noticed most people out here kinda dress a little bit hipper. Yeah, fuck you! I said it! Alright?! Deal with it!!
Maddox: People here dress hipper. I know everyone's gonna bitch in the comments. (goofy voice) "Hey Maddox…."
Dick: (interjects) No one's debating that people in LA dress hipper than they do…
Maddox: Oh? Than anywhere else?
Dick: In the Midwest.
Dick: No! It's the coastal cities are…dress hipper.
Maddox: The coastal cities dress hipper.
Maddox: That's a…that's a fact. I can't wait to see these comments.
Dick: How is that not a fact?!?!
Maddox: Y…you and I think that. But they don't! They think they dress hip!
Dick: Hooooo, boy!
Maddox: Yeah. They think they dress hip. And I noticed this is their uniform, right? The tourist uniform. Cargo shorts, khaki pants, what's it, a polo shirt? The one with the collar?
Dick: Dockers? Dickies?
Maddox: No…is it Dockers? Yeah, like the dockers…
Dick: Oxford shirt?
Maddox: Oxford shirt, yeah.
Dick: Just a button-up shirt?
Maddox: No, not even a button-up. It has the collar, and like three buttons.
Dick: Oh, a polo shirt!
Maddox: A polo shirt, yeah.
Maddox: Polo shirt, khaki pants, cargo shorts. That is the…that is the uniform. However, when I…when I had cargo shorts, and I still do sometimes, because they're very utilitarian, and I actually do carry around. I did, at one time, at one point, have…
Dick: (interjects) What do you, carry around video games
Maddox: I had pliers…
Dick: (interjects) Load up your pockets in case you need to pop out a PSP at the bicycle store!? (grins)
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: No! It's useful sometimes. Dick, you wear shorts. They're the normal length.
Dick: No, they're not normal at all! I hate…I hate shorts!! I hate these long shorts, man! It's embarrassing.
Maddox: I have some of those seventies shorts that you were talking about, like, I have a green pair. My balls came out one time.
Dick: Yes. (grins)
Dick: That's…the intended effect. (Maddox laughs) That's what you want. That's considered a win.
Sean: And that's why he's not allowed in Chuck E. Cheese anymore.
Maddox: No. I will say this, though. The balls came out on a bike ride. Uh-huh. Yeah. My balls came out on a bike ride and a lady noticed.
Dick: That your balls were showing?
Maddox: Uh-huh. (grins) And she kinda giggled…she was into it.
Dick: There you go, man!
Maddox: Yeah. Dammit. I just made a case for you. (giggles)
Dick: You see? They KNEW what they were doing in the seventies! (Maddox laughs) Mustaches, short shorts where your balls might come out.
Dick: This is…this is a joke, these shorts. These two-foot long shorts?
Dick: This is a travesty. We're…you…we're talking to women wearing these shorts, expecting them to have sex with us, and what, we're ashamed of our thighs?! We're embarrassed and giddy like little girls about showing some thigh? (incredulous) It's embarrassing.
Maddox: No, it's unbecoming, man. I don't wanna wear short shorts.
Dick: No, even the way you say it! You should…you should do it and you should like it! You need to learn how to like it!!
Maddox: No, man. No. Short shorts…they bunch up. Here's the thing. Pants now. I don't know what it is. In the last, like, two years…
Maddox: They've started making men's pants where it's just, like, tight around the crotch. And every…I find myself. I have two holes. I have a pair of pants right now, I could show you right now. I have these…these pants. They have two holes right where my balls are. Because, first of all, my balls are so fucking huge, right? (Dick giggles) First of all. But second, because they keep bunching up around my balls, so I reach down with my thumbs and pinch them on the inside, and I pull it down. I keep pulling it down. And now it's worn a hole where my balls are!
Dick: Where your pinches are.
Maddox: Where my p…where my pinch…my balls are where my pinches are.
Maddox: Yeah. I have to be careful, too.
Dick: Separate problem.
Maddox: Don't wanna pinch my balls. Alright, Dick, what's your problems this week?
Maddox: (giggles) Cheat…Cheating, and…
Dick: Too Long Shorts.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: And my problem is Self-Defeating Thoughts. Biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: See you next Tuesday. Alright, here, I got one from a guy you'll recognize.
(Voice mail: male voice with weird accent: "Hello, Dick. Hello, Masterson. This is Mario calling. (Maddox chuckles) You assholes said you would put the Smash Bros video up on your website. It's still not there. Maddox, quit hating on my game and please put it up. I would like to see Dick fuck you in the ass with special power-ups. Good bye.")
Dick: You gonna put that up? This video?
Maddox: Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Okay. I said I would put it up last time. I ran out of time, guys. I'm…I want this to look good.
Dick: How hard…how hard is it to put that up? I sent it to you.
Dick: It was fine.
Maddox: I know. I was splicing it in with the other footage that I got.
Dick: Are you cutting it?!
Dick: To make it look like I lose?
Maddox: No. (giggles)
Dick: Is this some kind of a trick?!
Maddox: No, you won fair and square. You won that.
Dick: Are you cutting it with, like, other footage to make me look stupid somehow?
Maddox: Dick, you do that.
Dick: Are you just gonna put it off until everyone forgets?
Maddox: No. No, I'll post it.
Dick: Try to cover it up?
Maddox: I'll post it. I'll post it!!!!
Dick: Alright, I got one more. Ohhh. This is a great one, here.
(Voice mail: male voice (goofy voice, imitating Maddox's voice when he imitates fans: "Hey Maddox, this is your fan and this is how we talk. (Maddox giggles) You said in, like, the last episode that when you used to jerk off in your parent's van, that, um, your mom used to listen to Arabian trumpet music. (Maddox laughs) But a few episodes ago…(Dick laughs)
"…You said that, umm….Dick said that…um, Armenia was in the Middle East, and then you said, "No, it's not." (Maddox laughs)
Dick: It's true.
"It's a Europeeeeean country."
Dick: You said that.
"How can your mom listen to Arabian trumpet music if you're not European?!"
Dick: It's true.
Maddox: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (stupid voice)
Dick: That's a good point.
"And I don't get it. Nyaaaaaaaaaaaah.")
Maddox: Nyaaaaaaaaaah. (Dick laughs) Idiot!! Idiot. Fucking mo…
(Sound effect: "Wrong buzzer")
Dick: You called it Arabian trumpet music.
Maddox: Dumb shit. Yeah, my mom speaks Arabic. (goofy voice) "Hey Maddox, how come your mom listens to German music if she's Armenian?" (yells) 'Cause people speak different languages, fuckface!!! It's not an uncommon thing!! Do you ever think? Have you ever used your brain in your life!?! Get a brain, mor-an!!! (they all laugh) Some hyperbole for you. (laughs)
Dick: Oh, I got ano…last one. Last one.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Goddamn, Dick! First you're talking about illegals, and then you're talking about women and how they need to give you more data, and then you're talking about building a border, remove the rapists, you know…you know, fly the kite…(inaudible)…
Dick: Someone's doing the raping?
"…something like that. Goddamn! Fuck Trump…"
(file cuts off)