Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 66
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Yawning to Yoga Extremists. (Dick guffaws) With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back.
Maddox: Episode 66. We're on a roll. People LOVED the last episode, Dick.
Dick: They did.
Dick: They did. I loved it, too.
Maddox: Yeah. It was a…it's one of my personal favorites. I knew when we were recording that episode, even…even halfway through I knew that it was going to be…easily one of our best stuff.
Dick: What were the highlights for you?
Maddox: The highlights for me…um…uh, well. I don't want to talk about myself. I wanna talk about some stuff you said.
Dick: That's shocking. (grins) Go ahead.
Maddox: (laughs) One of the quotes was, "A one-legged cat trying to bury a turd on an ice pond", was it?
Dick: Yeah. That was a…
Maddox: Did you make that up?!
Dick: No, I'm sure I got that from somewhere.
Dick: I like getting these, like, colloquialisms.
Dick: And just throwing them out to make me seem like a folksy guy.
Dick: I collect them.
Dick: Like, I wish I just had a book of those old, folksy, true-blue sayings to say.
Maddox: Right. Right.
Dick: They're my favorite things.
Maddox: Like…like GW Bush.
Dick: Oh, yeah, sure.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, he did that a lot, though.
Dick: Okay. (giggles)
Maddox: Some would say…some would say effectively. I don't think so.
Dick: I liked your…um, really amazing plan to steal the Crown Jewels.
Dick: That was my favorite part of the podcast.
Maddox: Oh, yeah? Well, that would have been mine if you guys didn't shit all over my plan. Which, okay. (excited) I have a comment here…this is fromJoseph Forsythe. And we'll get to the problems in just a second, but this is from Joseph Forsythe. He says,"Maddox, it may be easier to pull heists on museums than you think." And he says, "I don't mean to plug another podcast, but you should give this a listen." And he linked to Freakonomics. Um, you know the Freakonomics podcast?
Maddox: Based on…oh. (giggles) There's a….(Dick cracks up) There's a podcast called, uh…called Freakonomics, and…anyway. They talked about it. They said, from the transcript, "The most recent spectacular museum break-ins. The tools used have been as simple as a pair of pliers to jimmy open the back door of Rotterdam's Kunsthal Museum.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: "Or a ladder to climb up and break in the unreinforced window glass next to Monk's The Scream. Or even nothing at all, as was the case one night in 2007 when a group of drunked revelers broke into Paris' Orsay Museum and punched a hole through the Monet.
Dick: Oh, that sounds like a plan that you would ex…that you COULD execute.
Maddox: What, punch a Monet?
Dick: Punch through a wall to get at a Monet. I don't know about a jetpack. I don't about your pogo stick capers to steal the Crown Jewels. (giggles)
Maddox: It didn't have to be a pogo…uh, pogo stick, Dick. It could have been a jetpack. Look, if I just had a jetpack, it would solve all those problems.
Maddox: Anyway, uh, last week, the…the biggest problem was Hoverboard Hoaxes. Followed by Death.
Maddox: They were pretty close. It was 9…they were both in the nine hundreds as of this recording.
Dick: You know, I went into that episode thinking that Death was a huge problem, but…
Dick: A lot of the commentary made me think about it.
Maddox: Ohohoho!!!! (laughs)
Dick: Whoa, whoa, what, what, what?
Maddox: Oh, the dumbass commentary! I got some real dipshit fans! I got…some of the dumbest fans. I…okay, I already thought low of you guys. And then after last episode, I think even lower! I think less of our fans!
Dick: So salty. (grins)
Maddox: I didn't think it was possible. Listen to this guy!
Dick: So salty. (grinning)
Maddox: Adam Lewis. Listen to this. (goofy voice) "Hey…hey Maddox, how is death a problem?"
Maddox: And then he has a quote in here. "As long as men die, liberty will never perish. So Maddox wishes Hitler was still alive?"
Dick: Ohhh. Yeah, do you?
Maddox: Good one. Moron. The only reason Hitler was a problem is because he killed, murdered millions of people! That's why Hitler was a bad guy! Because of death!! Death is what made Hitler a bad guy!!! (angry)
Dick: But it's also the SOLUTION to Hitler!!!
Maddox: Yeah, well…(stammers)
Dick: It cancel…it cancels out. Death is the problem and the solution, therefore, it's kind of a wash!
Maddox: (scoffs) No, it's not!
Dick: It's like Know-It-All Masseuses!!
Maddox: No. It's not a wash.
Dick: Feels good in the massage, but they also annoy you, 'cause they know it all!
Dick: It's a wash!
Maddox: It's a…it's not a wash, Dick. Uh, just because one man died, Hitler died, it didn't…it didn't balance out the 6 million Jews that died.
Dick: Well, uh…apparently the fans think so. Here's another one about death. Here's a voice mail about death. Why it's not a problem.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey, Maddox. You know what kind of cell does not die? Cancer. Go fuck yourself." )
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox is giggling) Cancer cells don't die. That's why they're a big problem.
Maddox: (sighs loudly) Cancer cells can be killed. They can be eradicated with…with radiation. Oh, by the way, um, I just wanted to follow up, too, that Adam Lewis guy who sent me that last comment?
Maddox: Uh, I said, "Hey, that's a good argument." And then he wrote back (giggles) and says, "Maddox, I can't tell if you're being genuine or not." Moron.
Dick: Were you?
Maddox: (giggles) And by the way, that quote, "As long as men die, liberty will never perish." Here's another quote by that same person.
Dick: It's a good quote.
Maddox: Oh, it's a great quote. Here's another quote by the same person. "I remain just one thing and one thing only. And that is a clown." Charlie Chaplin. That was a Charlie Chaplin quote.
Dick: Well. Smart guy.
Maddox: Yeah. Real poet. Real poet, that Charlie Chaplin. (disgusted)
Dick: What, you don't like Chaplin?
Maddox: Why would I like Chaplin?! (incredulous)
Dick: 'Cause he was, like, a thinker, and a sensitive artist, and he had, like, insights…(Maddox guffaws) into the period that he lived in, and he, like, revolutionized comedy at the time! You got all weepy over Robin Williams, you're not gonna blink twice about Charlie Chaplin?!
Maddox: It's cause I've never met Robin Williams. Dick, you're the only sensitive artist I like. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Alright. Hey, that might be the same Adam Lewis. He sent us a really good erotic story that I'm gonna play at the end of the podcast. (creepy grin)
Maddox: Okay, good. I got a comment from Dirk Tungsten. He says, (dorky voice) "Hey, Maddox…(Sean laughs) Death is actually not a problem…"
Dick: And you wonder why your problems get voted down.
Maddox: Fuck you!!!
Dick: Making fun of fans.
Maddox: I don't give a shit!!! I don't give a shit! (yelling) Vote it down!!! (Dick cracks up) I don't need your stupid, shitty votes! Fuck you! Fuck your dumbass votes! Listen to this moron!!
Maddox: (stupid voice) "Hey, uh…death is actually not a problem, it's a big help." It's, no apostrophe. "It's a big help."
Maddox: And then this is his argument. For real, this is his argument.
Dick: The death of grammar. That's a big problem. Go ahead. (grins)
Maddox: Well. I'll agree…I'll agree with that. He says, "Think about vampires. Vampires…" (Dick cracks up loudly, Maddox starts laughing) And this isn't satire, either! This guy's just an idiot. Listen. (dorky voice) "Vampires want to die. Ever see Interview With the Vampire? Yeah. All he wants to do is die because that would be great, but he's a vampire now, he can't die." That's the argument.
Sean: The documentary. Interview With the Vampire.
Dick: The documentary Interview With the Vampire. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: The documentary.
Dick: About two gay vampires.
Dick: Well, this guy does make a good point. (Sean laughing in the background) Brian Eagleston says, "I don't think we would be here to debate this if death weren't a solution. Think of prehuman Earth without death. If there was no death, which is the biological incentive to reproduce, evolution would be toast, since unfavorable mutations in organisms wouldn't be susceptible to natural selection. That, certainly, objectively, is true. Without death, natural selection would not exist. Evolution would not exist. There would just be a deathless universe of protoplasm and photons." That's it. There would be no life! There would be no evolution without death.
Maddox: Dick, you…I think you and that…I'm sorry. You were gonna finish?
Dick: Well, that's…when you bring in a problem like Death.
Dick: You're talking a very large scope. Like, when I'm bringing in Piss Driblets…
Dick: It's an annoyance.
Dick: Either you vote it up, 'cause it's annoying, or you vote it down, 'cause you don't think it's annoying.
Dick: When you bring in Death, you'd better have a pretty good fucking case, because that is, like, a part of life, the universe, and everything.
Dick: And that's why it didn't get…that's why it didn't get voted up as much as you wanted it to, I think.
Maddox: Okay, that's a very impassioned argument, Dick. I really appreciate that.
Dick: Already insulting!! (grins) Already insulting. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Why…why…why is my attempts at sounding sincere sound so insulting?!
Dick: Look, you can't stump me while I'm wearing this trump hat. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: He's about to use the world "myopic".
Maddox: No, I'm not! Dickhead!
Dick: If you think I'm stumpable, I am NOT stumpable today. I have an anti-stump force field around me, so you better not even try it today.
Maddox: You've got an icon of being stumped on your head, dickhead! Um…(laughs)
Dick: Didn't even feel that stump.
Maddox: Which, okay. So…so, you said that evolution wouldn't occur without death.
Maddox: Uh, not true. Not true.
Dick: How is that not true?! (incredulous)
Maddox: Dick, you…(stammers) you and that…what was it, a voicemail? Or the writer? The caller. Let's call him a caller. Lack a very basic understanding about evolution.
Dick: Ohohohoh. (laughs)
Maddox: Evolution isn't entirely natural selection. Evolution can occur through a number of different processes. It doesn't have to be natural. It doesn't just have to be by chance, through nature. There's a lot of ways that evolution can occur. But, but, here's the nuance that you morons aren't understanding!
Dick: False, right, Sean?! False!!
Maddox: No, it's not false!
Dick: Yeah. False.
Maddox: It's not false!! Ask…ask a biologist.
Dick: You need it as a step!!
Maddox: What, death?
Dick: Death. You gotta cleanse that gene pool of everything that is not beneficial to the species.
Maddox: Yeah, no. That's…that's not true. That's not true. Um, not necessarily true.
Sean: Easy, Hitler.
Maddox: Yeah, right? Talk about cleansing. Um…here's the thing about death. I…(laughs)…so some people were like, (dorky voice) "Hey, um, here's a Maddox Versus Maddox. Maddox brought in Euthanasia as a solution, but he also brought in Death. I don't understand."
Dick: Yeah. (grins) That's a fair point.
Maddox: You guys…you guys need to take a lesson. You need to learn a lesson and the lesson is this.
Dick: In hypocrisy. (grins)
Maddox: The lesson is this. It is…it is…all versus many, okay? (Dick giggles) All versus many. You need to understand sets and subsets.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: It's very basic shit. I recommend…there's a really good, uh…educational program. It's called Preschool, okay? (Dick scoffs) Go to fucking Preschool and learn the difference between all and many.
Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Maddox: There's a…there's a real difference. And I even acknowledged that some death was a solution in that episode. We both talked about it!
Dick: Well, it's very complicated.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I got a comment from Chris Simos. He says, "Maddox, I'm a huge fan of the show. I found your bit of advice regarding suicide, which I've enclosed in this email, to be very inspiring. Anywho, keep kicking ass, 'cause that's the biggest solution in the universe." And then he sent me this…the sound clip…um, 'cause remember a couple of episodes back, I talked about suicide.
Maddox: And how…uh, if you're feeling suicidal, I gave you some advice. He spliced together some clips here. Here it is.
Maddox: I just wanna say, guys, if you are feeling that way. If you have those thoughts. If you have those considerations. I read this somewhere, and I'm not sure it'll help, but…why not…(cuts) just take ten slices of pizza, shove it down your throat as far as possible so you can't breathe, then throw yourself off a cliff!" )
Dick: (laughing) That's good advice.
Maddox: Yeah. Good advice. Thank you, Chris.
Dick: I hope that works out for you. I got a comment from Davy Johnson. I don't know if I necessarily agree with this. I wanna get your input on it. "Mature video games are for adults in the same way that sports drinks are for athletes."
Dick: "Mature video games are marketed to 15-year-olds or those with the mind of one who think being an adult means swearing and bloodsplosions. It's all garbage written by autists."
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, good argument. Real good argument.
Dick: What do you think about that?
Maddox: It's marketed…(giggles) it's marketed towards 15-year-olds. That's why the average gamer is 15 years old, right?
Maddox: Oh, oh! (stammers) I'm sorry, it's not!!
Maddox: The average gamer is still 35 years old. And, by the way, dickhead, um…the number of gamers under the age 18 is something like 15%. It's like 15% to 30%. It's a minority. So I guess either the marketing doesn't work or he's wrong and it's not marketed towards 15-year-olds.
Dick: I don't know. That's his opinion.
Maddox: Yeah, no, I get it.
Dick: I got another voice mail. You wanna hear the voicemail?
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear a voice mail.
Dick: This one shits on me.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey, this message is for Dick. Hey, Dick. Why?! Why the fuck!? Just because you haven't enjoyed Lion King, you're like "Oh, okay. Let's kill the fucking lion, oh, you know, those black people, they don't mind because, you know, it's a famous lion, so we can kill it. (Maddox laughs) You know, let's give $50,000 to these evil people over here to steal lions and not give the money back to the people. Where's your evidence, huh? You was asking about Maddox's evidence! Fucking fuck!! (Maddox and Dick crack up) Alright?! Go fuck yourself in the ass! Asshole.") (Maddox dies of laughter)
Dick: I could be wrong, but I think that's the same guy that called up and shit on you, Sean.
Sean: I was just gonna say that!!
Sean: "Sean, you fucking asshole!" I remember that guy.
Dick: Yeah. "You're just mad 'cause black people are trying to get up in the world!"
Dick: He was saying something like that.
Dick: Well, I'll tell you what. When lions start singing and dancing, then I'll be, uh…then I'll be anti-poaching.
Dick: And still, then, I don't think so.
Maddox: The only reason people cared about that lion, well, not the only, but…one of the main reasons, is fucking Lion King. They think it's like fucking Lion King. And by the way, Lion King is such a horseshit movie! I finally watched it, uh, about a year and a half ago, for the first time.
Dick: Why? What were the circumstances of that?!
Maddox: Well, because it was in the…it was in 3D at the Disney theatre? The El Capitan? Is that the…that's the Disney theatre, right?
Dick: Yeah. And you were just walking by and you were like, "Well I gotta see this in 3D."
Maddox: Well, you know…and at the time, I had a girlfriend who was NAGGING me. NAGGING, I tell you!
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Nagging me!! To go see this movie.
Dick: Yeah. Sure.
Maddox: And I'm like, "Fuck it!" "Fuck it!" I'll go see this fucking movie. 'Cause it's in 3D. It's right there. Whatever.
Dick: What'd you think?
Maddox: Uh…it was f…it was okay. It was like a 15-minute short stretched out with a bunch of fucking songs! And I didn't get why they kept singing! Every few minutes, singing…another song. Oh, look at the moon. (Dick laughs) And uh…
Dick: Oh, look at the moon! Look at the moon over there!!! (laughing)
Dick: Hakuna Matata.
Dick: I just can't wait to be king.
Maddox: I hate that song. I hate that song, too.
Dick: Well. Be Prepared.
Maddox: By the way, they hold up…it's such horseshit. They hold up the lion, like, here's your king! And all the animals are bowing, it's like, "Oh, okay, this is the guy who's gonna kill us!"
Dick: Jesus!!! Yeah.
Maddox: Oh, is that what it is?
Dick: Oh, yeah. That's the symbolism. Come on.
Maddox: Which…it's ripped off from a Japanese cartoon!
Dick: Oh, I was gonna ask about that next!
Maddox: Kimba. Yeah.
Dick: Like, blatantly.
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, Dick. We ready to move on to the problems, here?
Dick: Yeah. You wanna go first?
Dick: Oh, wait. I do have one more thing to say. Our bonus episode, number 10, is now available on iTunes at the price of $1.99. So if you're an iTunes, you know, if you have a big penis and you don't like screwing around with shitty technology, you have an iPhone, you shop on iTunes. Go check it out.
Maddox: (fake laughs) Good. You know, uh…yeah. So we're still trying to figure out that problem. When it's first posted on iTunes, it's set to, uh…$9.99, right?
Maddox: Uh, the price. Instead of the correct price of $20.99. (Dick guffaws) Anyway. Guys, my first problem this week is Shit!! (Sean groans)
Dick: Like usual.
Maddox: (cracks up) Fuck you!!! (angry) Fuck you! Already!
Maddox: Already! Already shitting on my problem!!! Shit's a big problem.
Maddox: It…even…I just even used the word "shit" to describe a bad thing about my problem.
Maddox: And the bad thing is you shitting on it.
Dick: It's a big problem.
Dick: I agree.
Maddox: 100% of people shit. Yeah?
Dick: Some way or another.
Maddox: Even…even animals shit.
Maddox: Yeah. It's something you don't want to do, eat, or be. Yet, when we die, we all turn into some form of shit. The only thing that eats shit are plants, bacteria, and some forms of insects, who then turn shit into a different kind of shit. Insect shit.
Sean: You've never had a dog.
Dick: Yeah, they'll eat shit.
Maddox: Yeah. Dogs eat shit all the time. That's all they do.
Dick: They love it. It's a delicacy.
Maddox: Dogs love eating shit. When shit hits the fan, you don't want to be around, either literally, or metaphorically. Right? It's…it's messy. It smells. And…and that's when it's normal shit, right? When it's runny like diarrhea, watch out, buddy! I…my friend is watching dogs right now.
Maddox: And the dog…one of the dogs…(stammers) people think dogs aren't a problem, (dorky voice) Oh, you just pick up their shit and put it in a bag. Well, what if it's diarrhea?
Dick: Yeah. It can be a little runny sometimes.
Maddox: You…you can slip and fall and crack your head open! Crack your back!
Maddox: On dog diarrhea.
Dick: Well you can…there's a much…there's an even better argument.
Dick: That combines multiple of your problems.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: Uh…I would say shit is a huge problem with babies.
Maddox: Baby shit?!
Dick: Also one of your big problems. 'Cause they just shit everywhere, man.
Dick: That's…that's your life. When you have a baby. Is cleaning up baby shit. It gets everywhere. (stammers) If you think it stays in the diaper, you're dreaming. It gets all over the place. And then when it's done being in the diaper, then you gotta potty train these motherfuckers. And they're shitting all over the place! Like you're bartering with them…you're bartering with them on where to shit! Kids.
Dick: Pa…this is what…(stammers) it's a struggle that parents have to commit to for weeks! For months.
Maddox: You gi…
Dick: (interjects) For potty training.
Maddox: So how do you potty train a child? Like, do you give 'em a treat like a doggie treat, like, "Hey, don't shit…" Like, if they shit, do you rub their face in it? (Dick guffaws) Like, what do you do to a baby? I'm serious! Like…
Dick: That I've heard, yeah, you rub your face…no. (Maddox laughs) The same thing, but emotionally. You don't give 'em a treat, but you, like, reward them. You praise them when they do it correctly.
Maddox: You…but they're babies! They don't understand. They're idiots!
Dick: Yeah. They totally do.
Maddox: They und…when do babies comprehend words. They don't know how to comprehend words until they're like, 5, or something, right?
Dick: Mmmm….you are…(laughs)…(Maddox cracks up) Maddox. First of all, they comprehend, like, the intent of what you're saying very early. Within, like, the first six months, they're reacting to what you're doing. They can speak and understand in complete sentences before they're 3. Like, asking you questions and, like, making leaps of…imagination and, like, hypothesizing things.
Dick: Like, what if this happens and I do this? And, like, fucking with people.
Dick: They can do that well before 3. They can understand at, like, 1 and a half. So when you're bartering with them and they're shitting in their pants and they're shitting all over the ya…I was babysitting my nephew last week. He's three. And he's going through potty training.
Dick: Dude's standing in the yard, we're looking at some koi. Like, we're looking at the koi pond. Went to run outside, going on the swing.
Maddox: Right. Yeah.
Dick: He hops off the swing, whips off his underpants, and just shits right there. And he's like, "Eh. Gotta go." And I'm like, well, that's better than the underpants, dude. I guess.
Maddox: Well, what was the punishment for this egregious crime!?
Dick: You can't PUNISH them for that! Like, they're struggling with controlling the impulse of having to go to the bathroom!
Maddox: Ha ha. Yeah, right.
Dick: You don't…(laughs) You punish them at that age and you give them a complex for the rest of their life!
Maddox: Oh, man. (grins)
Dick: Like, they're trying their best as well. Sometimes. Sometimes, they're fucking with you. But a lot of times, they're trying their best.
Maddox: No, I think they're mostly fucking with you. You give me one day back as a five-year-old, man! I'm gonna shit all over the place! I don't give a shit! And who's gonna punish me? Oh, my parents would. My parents probably would.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: I remember getting yelled at for shitting all over the place!
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Uh, you know…you know what…I remember a long time ago, one of my earliest memories, was my brother took a big turd…took a big dump on our couch. (laughs)
Dick: How old was he?!
Maddox: He was…he was, like crawling age. What is that, like, 4, 5? Um, so he…(Dick cracks up)
Sean: We're learning so much about Maddox.
Dick: No wonder you hate babies! (Maddox cracks up laughing)
Sean: He didn't go through the bed-wetting phase. He was shitting his bed until he was 11.
Maddox: No, dickhead! I didn't shit…I was re…I was well-trained. I was flushing at 2! (laughs)
Dick: Wait a minute. Crawling phase. But your brother's older than you, isn't he?
Maddox: No, he's younger.
Dick: Or is he younger? Oh, okay.
Maddox: My younger brother. Yeah.
Dick: Crawling phase is under 2. Definitely.
Maddox: Okay, well, then he was under 2. Whatever. He was…he was crawl…he left this…I remember it looking like a candy bar. It just looked like a perfect turd. (Dick guffaws) And it was a straight line, too. Like, a straight line perfect turd.
Maddox: It was great. And my parents were so pissed. I remember my mom, like, cleaning and cursing and cleaning and cursing. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Maddox: That's all she did. And I remember thinking, too, like, even at that age, I thought, well, you know. What are you gonna do? It's a baby.
Maddox: Babies shit everywhere.
Dick: They do.
Maddox: Shit's a big problem, guys! Uh, listen to this, Dick. Uh, here's some expressions that involves shit. These are all…these are all generally bad. So when you're full of shit, that means you're a liar, right?
Maddox: When you want something you can't have, that's tough shit.
Maddox: When you're really awesome at something, like I am, you're the shit.
Dick: Well, wait a minute. That's a good thing.
Maddox: It's a good thing. Shit can be good. Shit can be bad. In expressions.
Dick: You can be king shit, too.
Maddox: You can be king shit. Our improv group.
Dick: Ah, your argument's falling apart.
Maddox: We, uh…Dick and I started an improv group.
Dick: (laughs) Oh, King Shit.
Maddox: We've done, I think, what is it? Zero shows now? (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. Zero shows.
Maddox: (laughs) Zero shows. But we have a logo.
Sean: It's the Dumb Shits, right?
Maddox: Uh, no. The King Shits, Sean!
Dick: Fuck you, Sean.
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean. (Sean giggles) (they all laugh) When you're not really awesome at something, you ain't shit.
Maddox: Ah? When you're incredulous, you say, "No shit?!" And when you say something that's not true or believable, that's bullshit. And then when you make a video game that I like at E3, that's COOL AS SHIT!!
Dick: I saw that t-shirt you're selling.
Maddox: Yeah. I…I wasn't gonna plug the shirt! You did that! Anyway, man. This is from the CDC. "An estimated 2.5 billion people…" BILLION. "…lack access to improved sanitation. More than 35% of the world's population."
Maddox: "According to the World Health Organization and UNICEF, regions with the lowest coverage of improved sanitation in 2006 were Sub-Saharan Africa (31%), South Asia, and Eastern Asia. Uh, 65%. 65% of Eastern Asia don't have improved…uh, improved sanitation. And, uh…"In 2006, 7 out of 10 people without access to improved sanitation were rur…rural inhabitants." I hate that word.
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, um, "According to the United Nations and UNICEF…"
Dick: Sorry. How many people around the world is that, that have to deal with, like, walking around in their own shit, then?
Maddox: 2.5 billion.
Dick: It's a lot. 2.5 billion people don't have toilets!? (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah. They don't have…
Dick: (interjects) What do they do?
Maddox: 2.5…they squat. They have the…they have holes in the ground.
Dick: They just kick it?
Maddox: I guess. They kick it. They kick the shit.
Maddox: Yeah. "According to the United Nations and UNICEF, 1 in 5 girls of primary school age are not in school, compared to 1 in 6 boys. One factor accounting for this difference is lack of sanitation facilities for girls reaching puberty. Girls are also more likely to be responsible for collecting water for the family, making it difficult for them to attend schools during school hours. Then, the insulation of toilets and latrines may enable schoolchildren, especially menstruating girls (Maddox tries not to giggle) to further their education by remaining in school."
Maddox: Yeah. It's a big problem, man.
Dick: It's a big problem.
Maddox: So, so…not being able to shit properly is affecting education, which contributes to anti-intellectualism…
Dick: And female genital mutilation.
Maddox: And female genital mutilation, yeah. Um, it also contributes to slacktivism, probably. And anti-vaxxers.
Dick: It contributes to hunger. If everybody was just plugged up all the time and couldn't shit, they'd never get hungry again, right? (Maddox laughs) That's right. That's accurate, scientifically.
Maddox: Yeah. That sounds…that sounds like bullshit!
Dick: Yeah. (grins) Stump that.
Maddox: Yeah. Can't stump the Trump. Your stupid hat. Um…yeah, man. So, shit's a big problem. And here's…here's the thing. We spend so much time, energy, and resources just getting rid of shit. For real? There is so much shit! I watched a documentary a long time ago. It's called "The Wonderful World of Dung". (giggles) And it was on the Discovery Channel, and I remember watching this thing, and I've probably seen it, like, four or five times. I bought it…I bought it a couple years ago, 'cause I found it on VHS.
Maddox: And it was a really interesting documentary talking about the shit industry. And how much of it there is. There's so much shit. People in Africa, um…there are some places in Africa that still use…they make mud huts out of patties, like…
Dick: (interjects) Like cow pies?
Maddox: Cow pies, yeah. They use cow pies. They use cow pies for fuel for starting fires. It's used as fertilizer. And mushrooms. Mushrooms are entirely grown in shit. Shit and damp places. Put that on your pizza.
Dick: Taking a shit, though.
Maddox: What about it?
Dick: It's pretty good. It's not a problem.
Maddox: You like taking a shit?
Dick: Nothing bad about…I've grown to appreciate it a lot more as I get older.
Maddox: I have…I have taken shits before where I felt like…I felt really good.
Maddox: You know? Like, you know how…
Dick: (interjects) Like a new person. Afterwards.
Maddox: Yeah. You know how you haven't, like, nut in, like, a week or two?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: And then you finally do. Not a week or two. I've never gone that long. But, like, a week. Let's say a week. Even that's ridiculous.
Dick: You never ha…even if you have to go home…if you're going home for Christmas and you're staying with your parents, you're like…and you're, like, staying in the guest bedroom now.
Dick: Because your sister got your room when you moved out and the guest bedroom is, like, right next to your parent's place and you're, like, (stammers) I mean, it's 10:30.
Dick: I gotta jerk off. What the hell am I gonna jerk off into?
Dick: Like, am I gonna sneak downstairs and jerk off into the toilet?
Maddox: (giggles) Your grandma's urn.
Dick: Y…(Sean exclaims in the background) No. That's not what I was thinking.
Maddox: Sean, why not?! Why not?!! (stammers)
Dick: Even in those cases?! Some cases are you're on vacation with your family! What do you, sneak off, and…?
Maddox: You'd sneak off and rub one out!
Dick: Cuddle up with a bag of s…okay.
Maddox: The first time…one of the first times I ever masturbated was in the back of my parent's minivan. Um…
Dick: Wow, bold.
Maddox: Yeah. Sorry Mom and Dad if you're listening, but…
Sean: Where were you going?
Maddox: We were g…we were going to this fucking casino, uh…Wendover, in Nevada? So, in Utah, the closest…the closest point in Nevada that you can go to to gamble is this glorified truck stop called Wendover.
Maddox: And it is…just fucking awful. And we would go there all the time, and it would take about an hour and a half, hour and forty-five minutes. And it was the first…it was, like, I think the day after I first masturbated, so I didn't know what the fuck was going on, I was super horny.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: And I just had to, like, rub one out. So I was just, like, sitting back there, and just…
Dick: Do you think that still happens? 'Cause I remember that happening to me, too, like, "What the hell is going on here?!"
Dick: What is…do you think kids today orgasm for the first time and they still don't know what it is?
Maddox: I think…
Dick: Do you think the Internet's fixed that?
Maddox: No, so…I talked to Ela. You know, Ela Darling, the, uh…she was a guest on the show.
Dick: Yeah, the porn star.
Maddox: Yeah, porn star Ela Darling. She said that's pretty common, actually. A lot of people…'cause parents don't talk to their kids about masturbation, generally. You know.
Dick: Well, we gotta fix that. Me and you have gotta start going around to these kids…(Maddox laughs)…when they're five and, like, just start talking and telling them about what's happening with their dicks.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: You know, I got the name for it. Jerk Talks.
Dick: (laughs) Like Ted Talks? But for jerking off? (grins)
Maddox: Did your…yeah. Did your parents ever talk to you about jerking off?
Dick: No. No.
Maddox: Of course not, no.
Maddox: When did you…when did you first learn? When's the first time?
Dick: Oh, God. It must have happened in, uh…I think I learned about orgasms. Like, it was a thing. I think I learned about it in seventh grade…like, I learned about sexuality as a whole.
Dick: I just…I don't remember anything spec…I remember learning the word "orgasm" and going, like "Oh, that's what that is! Alright."
Dick: But I remember the…like, the technique for jerking off developing over time.
Maddox: Oh, yeah? (trying not to laugh)
Maddox: What's your tech…nevermind, I don't wanna know.
Dick: Ah, it's the same as everybody else's!
Maddox: No. I got a technique, buddy!!! (laughs)
Dick: You roll it between your hands like Silly Putty!! Everybody jerks off like that! What are you talking about?! (Maddox still laughing)
Maddox: Ahhh. You answered all of my questions. Uh, Dick, we're running out of time. I just wanna say real quick, there's this, uh…Trichoma. Trichoma is the world's leading cause of preventable blindness and results from poor hygiene and sanitation. Approximately 41 million people suffer from active trichoma and nearly 10 million people are visually impaired…
Dick: Sorry. What is this?! Trichoma. What is that?
Maddox: It's Trichoma.
Dick: A poop disease? A shit disease.
Maddox: No, it's…it causes blindness. It's a…I think it's a disease that comes…
Dick: Does it come from poop?
Maddox: Yeah. It comes from bad hygiene.
Maddox: "The trichoma infection can be prevented through increased facial cleanliness with soap and clean water and improved sanitation." That's according to the World Health Organization.
Dick: Soap. Go vote up Soap.
Maddox: Yeah, Soap is a solution.
Dick: It's a solution.
Maddox: Um, 1.8 million people die every year from diarrheal disease. 90% are children under 5.
Maddox: Mostly in developing…(burps)…countries. Um, so I guess that's kind of a solution, 'cause I don't like kids, but…but if you DO like kids…if you vote it down…
Dick: Well, Death is a solution! There you go!
Maddox: Yeah. No, I agree, death is a sol…I never fucking denied that, you idiots! If you guys voted down Babies who then turn into kids…
Maddox: And then 90% of them under the age of 5 of the 1.8 million die from diarrheal disease, then vote up shit. There you go.
Maddox: You can't…
Dick: E.Coli. That's shit too, isn't it?
E.Coli? Yeah! That…yeah. I actually got stats for that. Yeah. E.Coli is a big one. Um…but anyway, man. Yeah, we're running out of time. And
yeah, here's another one.
88% of diarrhea disease is attributed to unsafe water supplies, inadequate sanitation, and hygiene." And that's because shit just seeps into everything. Shit's everywhere! And you don't want it on you! I would rather not have shit on me than any other problem that we have on the list!! Name a…name a problem. I would rather have…
Dick: AIDS? Would you rather have shit or AIDS on you? (grins)
Maddox: I would rather have AIDS on me, 'cause I can wash it off!
Maddox: AIDS isn't…I don't want it in me!
Dick: That's what the government tells you…(they crack up)
Maddox: I don't want AIDS in me, but I don't want it…I'd rather have AIDS on me.
Dick: You'd rather have shit up your butt than AIDS up your butt!! (they crack up)
Maddox: Alright, Dick, what's your problem?
Dick: You know what el…you didn't cover this shit.
Dick: Shitting in your pants! That's also a part of shit.
Maddox: Yeah. That is a…that is a problem. Shitting in your pants.
Dick: I shit in my dad's underpants last week. (Maddox guffaws)
Dick: Aw, this poor guy.
Dick: I was, um…I was up at my parents' house doing some…building some shit for Burning Man.
Sean: You just put 'em back in the drawer?
Dick: Uh, no. (Maddox laughs) No. It was…they were beyond…
Sean: Just checking.
Dick: I couldn't sneak them back in. (Sean laughs) But I did manage to sneak them in somewhere. Uh…I was up at my parents' house building stuff for Burning Man.
Dick: And I decided to crash there, because I was exhausted and I was, you know, a mess.
Dick: And I didn't bring any clothes.
Dick: So I…take a shower and my mom gave me some of my dad's clothes to wear. Yeah. They're a little…little weird.
Dick: I'm already a little weirded out wearing my dad's underpants.
Dick: Right? As you might be.
Maddox: Are they bigger, or are you about the same size now?
Dick: He's…slightly bigger than me.
Dick: So…you know, everywhere.
Dick: So…the groin is a little saggier than I'm used to, right? (Maddox laughs) Already weirded out. So I'm watching…I had a bender of a week. So I'm sitting down in the middle of the night. Everyone in the house is asleep, and I'm just sitting there, watching Clockwork Orange, punching away on my computer. Getting…preparing for the show.
Dick: Preparing some minutia that I can bring in as problems on the show.
Dick: And, uh…I feel some…I feel some gas coming on.
Maddox: Oh, no.
Dick: And I let out a trumpeter…(Maddox starts to laugh) And at the very end…at the very end…the trumpet was just the announcing party. Here comes the…the trumpet was announcing a flood.
Dick: So right at the end, it turned from, uh…from a nice, juicy toot into a juicier squirt.
Maddox: Oh, man!!!
Dick: And I said, "Uh-oh." (cracks up) "I got a big problem."
Sean: Never trust a fart.
Dick: And I have a history of doing this, so I know…(Sean cracks up) Like, I know how to react immediately.
Maddox: Oh, God.
Dick: I'm like the wolf from Pulp Fiction.
Dick: Like, when you…if you shit your pants, you call me. I'm the fucking cavalry! (Maddox laughs) Marcel…if you shit your pants, Marcellus Wallace picks up the phone and he goes, "Don't worry, I got Dick Masterson coming directly." (Maddox cracks up) And Samuel L. Jackson goes, "That's all I needed to hear." (they both crack up) So I instantly go into Defcon…I'm down to Defcon 1, because I'm…I'm out of my home. I'm out of apartment.
Maddox: Right. Right.
Dick: Right? And I have…remember, I have no clothes. So I immediately run to the bathroom, throw the shitty underpants in the sink…
Maddox: Gosh, you…
Dick: Spray some soap…what?!
Maddox: How do you shit your pants so much!? You shit your pants more than ALMOST everyone I know. Almost!
Dick: It's…it's a combination of things.
Sean: You should try drinking more.
Maddox: Okay. (grins)
Dick: It's a…the drinking is a big problem. And confidence is a big problem. (Sean and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: What do you mean…you mean arrogance!!
Dick: Because I…whatever!
Maddox: Okay. (grins)
Dick: Whatever you wanna call it.
Dick: I sit there and I say, "Uh…Dick, there is no way I'm gonna shit my pants today."
Dick: Tonight. What am I…what am I, a baby?
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: I need diapers?! I'm not shitting in these pants! And then, you know, 10 minutes later, toot, here it comes. So I throw the…I throw the underpants in the sink. I start washing them out. And I'm like, "Well, what am I gonna start, like, another load of laundry at my parents' house to wash…to wash this? That's gonna be suspicious as hell." Right? Like, I'm downstairs washing clothes?!
Maddox: Why are you sneaking around like Scooby Doo? (laughs)
Dick: 'Cause I didn't wanna tell anybody that I shit in my dad's underpants!
Maddox: Oh, except for the 50,000 listeners of the show, including your parents, who are listening to the show. (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah, well. You know. (guffaws) It's more charming like this.
Dick: So I…(Maddox cracks up) I scrubbed them out, but then I…my mom had left a bunch of wet clothes in the dryer I found as I was snooping around.
Dick: And they were mine from earlier. They were mine from earlier. So…after I scrubbed them out, I threw them in there, and like, turned it back on, and then took a…basically took a beach towel up and slept in that.
Maddox: Oh, man. (disgusted)
Dick: That was my…I wrapped it around like a toga.
Dick: Slept in that for the rest of the night. Huge problem!
Maddox: Gross, man.
Dick: Shit is a huge problem!
Maddox: Shit is a huge problem.
Dick: Huge problem.
Maddox: Vote up Shit, people!!
Maddox: Hey, um…Dick, did your dad ever teach you how to shave? (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: No, I wish he had. Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save 5 dollars off your first purchase. One word, everybody. Biggestproblem. It's one word. Not a space.
Dick: No spaces in that. Just like there's no spaces in Harry's. It's harrys.com.
Maddox: If you don't put in a space in the URL to go to our website, why would you put in a space in the code for the…I even have it spelled out in quotes! You just copy and paste it! Or…or just click the link! There's a link on our website, guys.
Dick: Or give it a shot. (Maddox laughs) Sometimes, it doesn't work one way. Try it another way.
Maddox: Try it another way.
Dick: It's very easy.
Dick: Uh, http://www.harrys.com was started by two guys passionate about creating a better shaving experience. I'm sure you're wondering how does Harry's deliver a superior shave? Well, they bought the blade factory in Germany.
Dick: That's crafting some of the world's highest quality razors for almost a century. Uh, man. I don't know how they make any money. 'Cause I still have mine. I've gone through two tubes of shaving gel. Shaving cream.
Dick: Whatever. Greatest shave ever.
Maddox: I bought…I, I…have the butter, Dick. I can give you some of my extra…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, I want some of your butter. (Maddox laughs) Lemme…gimme that butter. I want some of your butter.
Maddox: I'll churn some out for you.
Dick: Their starter kit is just 15$. That includes the razor, three blades, and your choice of shaving cream or foaming shave gel. As an added bonus, you get 5$ off your first purchase with "BIGGESTPROBLEM".
Maddox: Biggest problem, no space. Yeah, Dick. I'll churn some butter for you in the back of family's minivan. (laughs) What, Sean? WHAT?!
Dick: No one was the wiser…by the…for anybody listening, we're simulcasting this on Periscope.
Maddox: Yeah. This is the first time we're doing it. Uh…I don't know if we'll do it again. We're just uh…testing it out. But what do you think so far, Dick?
Dick: I don't kn…
Maddox: Is it distracting, or is it…
Dick: (interjects) No, it's not distracting.
Maddox: Yeah? Alright. Cool.
Sean: Wait, were your parents talking to you? Like when you were jerking off in the minivan?
Dick: Oh, good question.
Sean: Were they trying to have a conversation? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No, um…my mom had her Arabic music on. (cracks up)
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: So it was just a bunch of, like, really weird, like trumpets, and lalalas, and weird shit, so…(guffaws) yeah. It was pretty weird. It was pretty weird. It was a weird experience.
Sean: That's…that's pretty weird.
Maddox: Which, by the way, is a new fucking…it's a huge trend in hip hop now, is to have, like, fucking Middle Eastern chorus.
Dick: I noticed that!!!
Maddox: In everything.
Maddox: I…I don't want to…you know what? When we were growing up, I heard people say that all hip hop sounded the sa…all the rap sounded the same. It didn't. It didn't. And I never…
Dick: Well, it sounds the same to you if you're not a fan of it.
Maddox: No, I…(stammers) No. I think that certain genres lend themselves more…
Dick: Oh, reggae.
Maddox: Yeah, reggae and ska sounds exactly the same.
Maddox: Same fucking song, every single one. And same thing with…a lot of, like, new metal. New metal sounds all kinda samey. But now, the current genre…the current trend of hip hop…and I'm talking about as of, like, the last six months. All…it all sounds the same. And I d…and this is not…this is me as a fan of hip hop, and I like the stuff. I like some of the modern stuff, too, but…
Maddox: But they're all using that fucking trumpet.
Dick: What tr…what trumpet is that?
Maddox: That (imitates trumpet) bew dew dew dew dew, dew, dew, dew.
Dick: Oh, that's a trumpet?
Maddox: I don't know. I don't know what it…it's not a sitar.
Dick: I thought that was a dying cat.
Maddox: Yeah, could be. Anyway, man. What's your problem?
Dick: My problem is Data Caps.
Maddox: Data caps.
Dick: Buh buh buh buh buh. Yeah.
Dick: Do you know what those are? Sean didn't know what they were. You know what those are?
Maddox: Sean, how do you not know what a data cap is?
Sean: I thought it was more technical than it was. I didn't know it was just, like, a phone, like you know, you can only have so much data per month.
Maddox: Oh, okay. Well, there's a lot of different kinds of data caps.
Dick: Well, however, if you search the Internet for "What is a data cap?"
Dick: It…it doesn't exist. Like, every…no phone company calls it a cap. Cable companies are tripping over themselves and, like, throwing hissy fits at newspapers when they call it a cap, they're like "Well, it's not a cap! We just start charging people up the ass when they get more data than we allowed them."
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhh. Mhmm.
Dick: That's not a cap.
Maddox: Yeah. You know why?
Dick: A cap would be if we killed them.
Maddox: (scoffs) Sure. You know why, it's because they use that phrase, that word "unlimited". Unlimited means something, you fucks! Unlimited means UNLIMITED. All you can eat. And no bottom in sight. It's a bottomless pit, man! That's what unlimited means. So if they start saying that it's…capped? Well, guess what? Suddenly they're gonna have lawyers up their ass and they're gonna have a class action lawsuit. That's why they're tripping over themselves to say…
Dick: (interjects) Ohhhhh. That's interesting.
Maddox: "Oh, well, we just charge more. It's unlimited, but you charge more." Well, then, it's not unlimited, is it, dickhead? Because my funds aren't unlimited, fuckface!!!
Dick: Yeah. They have a cap.
Sean: That's how you get taxes passed without a vote. You call 'em fees.
Maddox: Obamacare. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. No…no comment about Obamacare, Dick!? (laughs) Stump the Trump!?
Dick: I told you, I'm unstumpable today.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: Okay? That's in the past.
Dick: What I want is a one-payer system. I wanna get rid of the borders…
Maddox: Alright. (grins) (Dick guffaws) Send all the rapists back to Mexico.
Dick: Yeah. Someone's doing the raping.
Dick: We both know that.
Maddox: Yeah. It's…yeah. Okay, so what do you want to say about it?
Dick: So I went to the i…I went to get a new iPhone. Remember, we talked about this a couple of months ago. I was getting a new phone, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: I was upgrading from the iPhone 4.
Dick: And I ended up going with an iPhone 5S, just 'cause of the Facetime.
Dick: Just 'cause I wanna Facetime with my family. I don't care about any of the other shit.
Maddox: So…so, that…and I called it, too, by the way. When you said you were gonna get an Android, way back when.
Maddox: It didn't happen.
Dick: Well, then I talked to my dad about it, and then he was like, "Well, then you can't FaceTime with the kids." And I'm like, "Oh, yeah. Then fuck it."
Maddox: There's so many better solutions.
Dick: What, I'm gonna explain to my sister and her husband how to use a better solution!?
Dick: I'm just gonna Face Time! I don't care!
Maddox: It's, like, three words. Say…no, sorry, it's two words. "Download Skype".
Dick: Skype is not as good.
Dick: It just doesn't. It's right there!! Anyway.
Dick: All of a sudden, because we were going from a 3G device to an LTE device…
Dick: My unlimited data disappeared.
Dick: They're like, "Well what data plan do you want?" Like, what do you mean, what data plan do I want? The same fucking data plan I've always been on.
Dick: The same…the same data plan that God intended! (yells) The same data plan that everybody in America wanted when we gave you hundreds of billions of dollars to build all your stupid fiberoptic networks all over the country!! I want that data plan, you bitch! (angry) What do you mean, how much data do I want?! (Maddox cracks up) All of it! Gimme everything you got, pump it straight into my fucking veins!!!
Dick: And she's like, "Well that plan doesn't exist."
Dick: Like, we…(stammers) What is it? 2 gigs. Fine. Couldn't possibly use over 2 gigs. Right?
Maddox: Oh, yeah…well….
Dick: So…whole family upgrades. Now, every month, the package we're on climbs.
Dick: 2 gigs. 3 gigs. 4 gigs.
Dick: I think we're up to 6 fucking gigs now.
Dick: And every single jump is, like, 20 dollars! Miraculously…miraculously…the system will come to a crashing halt if everybody is just allowed to use the data, but somehow, a 20$ fee magically fixes that!
Maddox: Ohh, sure.
Dick: A nice, round, 20$ number!!
Dick: You know, like when you go on the freeway during rush hour, and they're like, "Well, the freeway's fucked!" And you're like "Uh, what about if I slip you a 5?" And they're like "Oh, then it's fine."
Dick: Then there's no traffic at all!!
Dick: Then you totally fixed it!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, man. That really fucking pisses me off. T-Mobile fucked me. Fucked my dry right in the butthole! With, uh…I had…I was grandfathered in with an unlimited data plan. I was paying 67$ a month. I had unlimited data and 450 minutes, 'cause fuck talking on the phone.
Maddox: I never answer my phone.
Maddox: I hate it. Phones are garbage. Anyway, so I had this unlimited data plan, and then I got a new phone, and then they just…they said…they told me I would be grandfathered in, and they fucking bumped me off my unlimited plan!
Dick: It's such bullshit.
Maddox: Fuck you!! You sold me an unlimited plan. Go fuck yourself! I…it's not my fault you guys didn't predict technology! You guys should have seen this shit coming years ago! AT&T's the biggest fuckups of all! AT&T, way back in the day…Dick, when I buy into a new service, or…say, for example, I was looking for a shipping system for my T-shirts in my online store, which you guys on Periscope can see right now.
Dick: Which you can go buy. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) You dickhead. What an ass. I'm not plugging my shit! This just comes up because we're in the room!
Dick: You should. They're great shirts. They're high quality.
Maddox: Oh, you son of a bitch.
Dick: They're funny designs.
Maddox: Alright. 5$ off, BIGGESTPROBLEM…(laughs) Anyway, Dick, so when I was looking for services, like a cell phone service.
Maddox: I would go to Google and I'd type in…"AT&T sucks", "Verizon sucks", "Sprint sucks", etc, etc.
Maddox: And see whichever one had the fewest number of results, that's the one I went with.
Maddox: And way back in the day, it was AT&T. And AT&T had the best service. It was really good. Their customer service was great. They didn't charge you up the ass. And then AT&T did something really fucking stupid and they…they got rid of their mobile division and they sold it to Singular. Now, a few of you might be wondering…
Dick: Oh, I remember Singular.
Maddox: Yeah, you remember Singular.
Dick: Way back in the day.
Maddox: But some of our listeners might not, because there's no such thing anymore, because what happened is AT&T decided to focus on their land lines and you know, their legacy customers.
Dick: Yeah. Worthless technology.
Maddox: Worthless technology, which was a dying industry. And then suddenly, uh…Singular. Singular no longer existed. They wanted to buy Singular back, so they bought it back. So they just wasted a whole bunch of money and then AT&T was never the same again. Anyway, that's, uh…that's…so then I switched to T-Mobile and I supposedly have my unlimited data plan, but these fucking idiots didn't have the foresight of technology…the technology that would…
Dick: Oh, that has nothing to do with it.
Dick: I'm gonna tell you exactly. It's…it is 100% profit. It's a 100%...it is 100% a business decision and in my opinion, rampant collusion.
Maddox: It is…
Dick: It's fucking robbery!!
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Like, first of all…first of all. The idea that the network needs this cap to sustain itself is a fucking lie!! (angry) Remember when…remember when..first of all, remember when rates were different after 9 PM?
Dick: Like, remember when you had unlimited calls at night…
Dick: And you got hit during the day.
Dick: Like, you got charged during the day for calls. It makes sense. Why does it make sense? Because there's no fucking calling going on at night. Because the network lives and dies on throughput! EVERYBODY knows it!! The wires are always there.
Dick: The equipment is always there, working away.
Dick: It's always…it handles X. And when that X is exceeded, then there's fuckups.
Dick: But until you get there, it costs them absolutely nothing to run this network.
Maddox: Yeah. You know…
Dick: (interjects) So, what are they…they're not paying by the fucking pho…they're not paying by the electron. (Maddox chuckles) They don't shove data through and they've got some little dude with a tabulator going "Oh! One electron, two electron, ding, ding, ding, ding." It doesn't work like that.
Dick: And that's…somehow they rebranded it so everybody accepts that as reality when it is a fucking lie!!
Dick: False…falsehood at best. Misleading at best.
Maddox: You know, Dick, it's similar to Dropbox in that Dropbox has data caps. It does. Dropbox has data caps. And…AND your data caps on Dropbox, like, uploading…here's the thing, Dick. I just recorded in…at the YouTube studios.
Maddox: Eight new episodes of the Best Show. And I had to upload that shit, right? 'Cause I use Cloud Storage. I hate it, but I use it.
Maddox: I use Google Drive, by the way, which is infinitely better than Dropbox.
Dick: Yeah, what's your point?!
Maddox: The point is, Dick. When you're uploading all this shit to these Cloud storage services…
Maddox: That is also coming out of your data cap. So they're hitting you on both ends. They're hitting you on your data transfers and they're charging you for your data that you're storing in the Cloud.
Dick: Lemme tell you why that is small ball. (Maddox scoffs) Because this…they are not…they're not even close to a public utility. The Internet should be…the Internet was built as a public utility.
Dick: Like a fucking road.
Dick: When there's a highway between…when there's no highway between LA and Glendale and it turns out that there's a lot of commerce going on between there, and people say, "Uh…well, the roads are jammed. How am I supposed to get to my job in LA from Glendale?" They don't say, like, "Eh, stay home!" "Eh, fuck you! You used your cap of roads for this month! Fuck you." They build a bigger road.
Dick: That's how the Internet works. I don't care what political spectrum you live on, the Internet is a utility.
Maddox: Mhmm. Sounds like, uh…
Dick: (interjects) It's not Dropbox. It's very different than Dropbox for that reason, I think. And..and, we give them…we give those fucks at the telecom companies and the cell phone companies TONS of money to build this infrastructure out, and they never fucking do! (angry)
Maddox: Yeah. Well, uh…(stammers) and a lot of it was built with tax subsidies, that, you know, we can't…
Dick: Hundreds of billions.
Maddox: Yeah. And there was a big lawsuit, I think it was in 1996 or 97, where some local Internet Service Providers sued the cable companies to be able to use their…their cable lines that were subsidized by taxpayers.
Dick: By us. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. To tap into that and use it for their own…DSL. Their own private cable service.
Maddox: So there'd be more competition.
Maddox: Well, the cable companies lobbied and they won that ruling, and the same thing is happening now.
Dick: Do you wanna hear how much money they give politicians? I got a shitload of stats on this.
Maddox: Yeah, let's…let's hear this.
Dick: Okay. Lemme pull this up. Uh, Gizmodo had, "How much money do big cable companies give politicians?" 2 million…their figures say it was 2 million bucks, and it was split EQUALLY between everybody who's on the telecom industry panel, except one lady, Maria Candwell. Everybody else, they gave 10 grand, 10 grand, 10…it was like the big four telecom companies. A grid. It was a grid of the big four telecompanies on top, and all the senators who are in charge of, like, making sure they don't fuck us, and it was just a grid…an array of 10 thousand dollar donations.
Maddox: And what…what were these donations for, just their political campaign?
Dick: For their…for their PAC, yeah. For their political campaign.
Maddox: Yeah, right.
Dick: Just buying. Just outright buying them out.
Maddox: Yeah. Mhmm.
Maddox: Are these…are these corporations, by the way, Dick?
Dick: What, these companies?
Maddox: The companies that…(giggles)
Dick: Why do you…why are you turning it into this weird corporation…(Maddox laughs) This is a big problem!!
Maddox: I know!!
Dick: Of course they're corporations! Of course.
Dick: But where is the failing here? The failing is on the part of these corrupt scumbags who are letting them get away with it! They should be hanging these people!
Maddox: The politicians?
Dick: I don't…somebody's gotta get hung for it! I don't care who it is. We're now in a system where you're incentivized NOT to use your technology.
Dick: You're incentivized to turn LTE off, to make sure you're using your precious WiFi signal so you don't get dinged to death with $10 a month charges!!!
Maddox: But then they ding you again, because even if you use your WiFi service, you're gonna have a data cap on your home network, too!! Like with Time Warner, or Comcast, or any of these guys. They're starting to cap it at, like, what? 20 gigs, 15 gigs, 30 gigs?
Dick: No, I got that, too. They got a 300 gig cap. Comcast does. They finally acquiesced. However, and this is…this is even more insidious, I think. They have an incentive where if you use less than 5 gigabytes a month, they'll give you, like, a $5 discount, or something like that.
Dick: So, they're trying to train people to use WAY less! So they can, in the future, I think…hammer people who use anything more than the bare minimum. See, if they incentivize people to try to use less than 5 gigs, over a year or two, they're gonna artificially deflate Internet usage, to a point of, like, ascetism. And THEN, if you use a reasonable amount, like 100 gigs? They're gonna say, "Oh, you are 20 times the average!"
Dick: "You're getting FUCKED!"
Dick: Meanwhile, they're making 97% profit on high-speed Internet, according to the Huffington Post.
Maddox: That's because it's a plug-and-play business. They're not adding any value to your service!
Dick: No. Not at all!
Maddox: They…and the customer service is shit! I'm still fucking waiting for Time Warner to come out and fix their fucking lines from two weeks ago, these shitheads! I told 'em, "Hey guys, the line (giggles)…the line by my house is taut. There's a tree branch pressing against the line.
Dick: Obviously broken.
Maddox: No…it's…it's about to break.
Maddox: It's so tight. Bro, it's tight. (laughs)
Dick: Well, we've seen tight wires before.
Maddox: Oh, man. Real tight. (grins) No, but they still haven't come out to fucking fix these lines. And by the way…(angry) So, they also did this study. So, Comcast got hammered with a class action lawsuit, I think? Or there was going to be one.
Dick: For throttling?
Maddox: For throttling.
Maddox: And so, finally, Time Warner acquiesced, as you said, and they kind of pulled back and they said, "Okay, well we're no longer going to do this, because it's FUCKING ILLEGAL and we're shitty scumbag dipshits!"
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: So then, they did some studies and they did some research, and they found that the people who were using most of the data were, like, a handful of people. Like, the top…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah. It's, like, nobody.
Maddox: Yeah, it's like the top 5% are using something like 80% of the network bandwidth.
Maddox: And also, Dick, remember a long time ago, a part of this problem, and I'm not just bullshitting here…a part of this problem is higher-def transmissions through, like, 4k, 8k, etc, etc, that we don't need. It's just clogging up the network.
Dick: Oh, let's see, but this is the opposite attitude I wanna take. I say full throttle. You know what? Gimme…4k? Gimme 40k! (Maddox cracks up) Send me as much as you want! Build the fucking fiber! Build it from…build it from my living room to my toilet. Build me an entire house out of fiber. Fuck you!!
Maddox: You know, my Internet Service Provider in Utah, Xmission? They had built…they were pushing through this program in Utah called Utopia.
Maddox: And it wsa a fiberoptic…yeah. It was fiberoptic and it was…I think it was up to 100 megabits at the time. This was, like, five-six years ago, which was pretty fast, but it was either 100 or 300 megabits.
Maddox: And Comcast, those motherfuckers, kept lobbying it and pushing it out of Salt Lake City, so then it was pushed to the surrounding neighbors…the surrounding areas, which were much smaller in population, and now guess what Comcast is rolling out? Their own fiberoptic network!
Maddox: Right? They don't want any fucking competition! It's total bullshit! It's total collusion. If you…like, in LA…LA's a great example of this collusion, too, because if you try to get Time Warner service in an AT&T area, you won…you can't. They won't serve it to you! And there's a…there's a very clear line of demarcation where AT&T ends and Time Warner begins and they never cross those boundaries because they know…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah. You don't have a choice.
Maddox: Yeah. They know it's just gonna be more competition for each other and it's gonna hurt both of their businesses, so they just kind of have this gentleman's agreement where they see the lines, okay. AT&T is over here. We'll take this area. Let's not compete with each other, so that we both make more money. Yeah, that's all it is.
Maddox: These motherfuckers. It's…(stammers) steal from these assholes every fucking chance you get!
Dick: Well, that's the worst thing. I was sitting there today wracking my brain how to steal from cable companies, 'cause I…I am a 100% believer in hit them way harder than they hit you.
Dick: Right? Like…someone like Comcast. Like…like the movies! No problem pirating shit. No problem! 'Cause fuck 'em. You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I don't know. Some movies I'm okay with it. You know what? I used to be totally against piracy, especially when it came to video games, Dick? But I've changed my mind. I've changed my philosophy about that over recent years.
Dick: 'Cause of DLC? 'Cause of downloadable content?
Maddox: No. Well, DLC is one…one thing.
Maddox: But also, it's companies that make you buy the same game over and over and over again. I'm tired of buying the same game over again. Sony's one of the worst…
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean? What do you buy over and over again?
Maddox: Well, for example, Sony…
Dick: (interjects) Smash Brothers!? (grins)
Maddox: No, dickhead. (Dick chuckles) I…Sony, a long time ago, when the Playstation 2 came out, they promised backward compatibility.
Dick: Oh, yeah, I remember this. Then they killed it.
Maddox: And PS3. Same thing. They had backward compatibility, and then they killed it, because it's not in line with their business model. They just want to sell you the same game over and over again. And now, I'm thinking, "Okay. For every game I have to buy again because you guys don't allow me to use my system again, you don't prom…you don't deliver the features that you PROMISED me…"
Maddox: Then I'm gonna steal one. You make me buy a game that I already have, then I'm gonna steal a game. Alright?
Dick: Yeah. My…
Maddox: There you go, dickheads.
Dick: I have a similar philosophy. For every…like, for every inquisitive…what is it called when they file a lawsuit just to get people to pay them? Movie industry and music industry do this all the time. They send threatening letters for you to call them up or email them and work out a deal, 'cause they caught you pirating shit? That's their move.
Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah. They're threatening bullshit, which they can't. They can't do anything about.
Dick: But,but, but!! It's…that's such a horrible thing to do to people.
Dick: First of all, the amount of stress that it's causing is insane. For the alleged crime that was committed.
Maddox: Alleged crime, yeah.
Dick: Right? So, for every one of those letters that they send out, I just pirate everything. That's my solution.
Dick: Right? That's the way you get back. But there's no way to get back at the cable company! There's just no…what do you do? Buy Netflix twice?!
Maddox: Throw a brick through the window.
Dick: (stammers) I mean, they're insured! That causes your insurance to go up!
Dick: Anyway, uh…Comcast response. I thought this was interesting. I thought you might think it's interesting, too. Cable Cares, a parody account on Twitter, asked this guy LivingGood, who is in charge of tech over at Comcast. "Serious question, why are Comcast caps set so low compared to the speeds they're being sold at?"
Dick: "100 MB can hit 300 gigabytes in six hours."
Dick: Like, serious question.
Dick: To a tech person, your network can obviously handle a shitload of traffic.
Dick: So, why would you cap people at something they can achieve with something you SOLD them in six hours?
Dick: Like, you don't buy a car, and then if you floor it, it's out of gas, unless you're Tesla. If you floor it, it's out of gas in, like, 40 seconds.
Dick: You know? And he said…this was the guy's response. The tech guy's response. "No idea. I'm involved on the engineering side to manage the measurement systems, but don't weigh in on the business policies."
Maddox: Uh-huh. (skeptical)
Dick: That's their tech response!
Dick: "Uh…no idea." I mean…(stammers) it doesn't get…you can't fuck your company any more than that. Hey, why do you guys have these data caps, tech guy? No idea. Like, that's flat out, "Yeah, no need to have them." To me.
Dick: That answer is just "yeah, we don't need them at all."
Dick: It's just to screw you.
Dick: It's just 'cause we make 97% profit off them.
Maddox: Yeah, it's…it's entirely profit over there. I…(stammers) Man, I fucking hate these cable companies so much. Cable…cell phone companies. It's just pure profit. And they offer no service. They constantly nickel and fucking dime you. Man, I'm gonna call T-Mobile right after this…this broadcast.
Dick: They had a $5 fee to put fiber in for, like, libraries and hospitals.
Dick: And then when that bill expired, they just left the fee on.
Dick: The amount of screwing over that they do…
Dick: Is legion. Like, it's really. It's really crazy.
Maddox: Did you say "legion"?
Dick: Yeah. There is a plethora of fuckery out of the cable companies. Data caps. There you go. That's my problem.
Maddox: Um, we almost…we almost brought in the scope of this problem to more, like, cable companies, but let's keep it to data caps. But yeah, man. I think data caps…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah. It's definitely only data caps.
Maddox: Yeah. I was gonna talk a little bit more about cable companies, but…anyway, Dick. Um, do we have time to go onto another problem. I got one.
Dick: You wanna do one?
Maddox: Yeah, I got one.
Dick: Is it a big one?
Maddox: Yeah. It's a…you know what? Whatever. I got…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, lemme read you some tips of the Citizen's Utility Board.
Dick: This is the tips they give you to fight data caps.
Dick: "Turn off your apps. Turn off GPS. Use your cache." So basically, don't use your Internet.
Dick: "Download a light, text-only Internet browser and use Wifi". (Maddox scoffs) So, basically, go back to 1998. (angry)
Maddox: (interjects) This is like…
Dick: (interjects) This is what we're…this is the world we're in!!
Maddox: These!! (paper ripping sound in the background) (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I hate it so much!!!!!! (yelling)
Maddox: These are like, depression-era tips. Like, guys, you know, try to turn the lights off during the day, and only use candle power at night, so that you're not taxing the electrical service too much, and use your horses, you know, wisely, and try not to ride during the daytime when the horses are most thirsty. (laughs)
Dick: Their fix is…Technology doesn't work? Don't use it.
Dick: (scoffs) Thanks.
Maddox: Okay. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: That doesn't help me!! That's where I was at!
Maddox: And…and by the way, it's only tips to help themselves. It's only tips to help their network! We don't give a fuck about your network! Don't sell us something you can't deliver, you pieces of shit! Shit. Big problem. Vote it up.
Dick: Big problem. Vote it up.
Maddox: The biggest pieces of shit this episode, Cable Companies. Shit.
Dick: Well, the cell phone guys are just as bad.
Maddox: Yeah. They're terrible. Um, uh…Dick. I got the real biggest problem.
Dick: Average da…go ahead. I'm done.
Maddox: What? What?
Dick: No. No. I'm done! I'm too pissed…
Maddox: What were you gonna say?!
Dick: I was gonna say "average data usage for a cell phone is 1.8 gigs." Coincidentally. Coincidentally, that is where the traffic starts fucking up the network. Like, the 2 gigabyte plan…
Dick: Is coincidentally RIGHT ABOVE the average user!
Maddox: Ohhhhh. Hmmmmmmmm.
Maddox: Yeah. Mmkay. Real convenient. Real convenient data cap, there, dickheads!
Maddox: Alright, Dick. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. McDonald's!
Dick: Ohhh. Fuck you!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
(Sound effect: applause)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: I knew…I knew you'd have a problem!
Dick: Chicken McNuggets, man!
Maddox: Oh, my gosh!
Dick: Eat those all day.
Maddox: You think Chicken McNuggets are good?!
Dick: Shamrock Shakes! Yeaaah.
Maddox: Yeah?! Oh, pfff.
Dick: I'm lovin' it.
Maddox: Yeah. Have you…you know Jamie Oliver, right? Do you know Jamie Oliver?
Maddox: He's this British guy…who has, like, this food…
Sean: He's the chef.
Dick: He's the guy that cries, right?
Maddox: The chef, yeah. Yeah.
Dick: He cries about food, doesn't he?
Maddox: He cries about…yeah, he cries about food. (Dick cracks up) Yeah. So, Jamie Oliver did an episode…did an episode of his show awhile back where he's showing kids how they make a chicken nugget.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: And all these, like, dumb kids are sitting around in a kitchen and he brings all this fresh chicken and he puts it down, and he goes, "Hey, who likes chicken?" And all the kids are, like, "Yeah!!!! Me, me!!" In fact, I have a clip here. I'll play in just a second. But he chops off the legs. He chops off the thighs. He chops off the breasts and the wings. And he says, "He wants to eat this stuff!" and the kids are like, "Yeah! It looks so good!" and then he says, "Well you're not gonna eat any of this." And then he took the carcass of the chicken and said, "This is your chicken nugget." And the kids are grossed out.
Dick: Mhmm. (unconvinced)
Maddox: And, uh…
Dick: (interjects) Wait, he took all the meat off?
Dick: And said the chicken nugget was just the chicken without the meat?
Maddox: Well, here it is…here, I'll play the clip for you.
Dick: That's 100% false.
Maddox: No, it's not true. No.
Dick: If that's…that's 100% false.
Maddox: No. Bullshit. No. No, bullshit. Here, I'll play the clip. Here. Watch.
(Clip starts, Jamie Oliver's voice: "And then you're left with a carcass with all the ribs and the little bits of giblets and blood and skin and stuff like that. What do you think happens to this?"
"Now because this has got loads of connective tissue and things that really aren't meat, to be honest, you've gotta put loads of stuff in it. Stabilize it with stabilizer. You know, flavoring in there to make it taste of something nice instead of something horrible. Once they've done that, they mix it all up and make this big load of gunk. And then get a cutter and cut out our very own patty. Just like that. Put some breadcrumbs on it. And there you go, ladies, gentlemen. Our very own patty."
"And all we do is whack 'em in a pan. Lovely. (sizzling sound) Now, who would still eat this?")
Dick: I would.
Maddox: Yeah, so….(laughs) Yeah, of course YOU would!!
Dick: I'll take a…I'll take a 30 piece!
Maddox: Yeah, ho. 30-piece! That garbage. It's not meat, man. It's all reconstituted bullshit. It's just ground up…it's just what he said. It's cartilage and skin fat.
Dick: He's 100% wrong. It's…
Maddox: No, he's not.
Dick: It's reconstituted, like, it's processed…
Dick: But it is…it is white meat. It is chicken meat. That…I'm on board with you that fast food is bad, but to say that they grind up carcasses and try to pass them off as food products, I think is totally fucking false.
Sean: They claim that it's all white meat chicken now.
Dick: Yeah. It is.
Sean: They say "Made specifically with white meat". Don't you think that that would be…they couldn't keep that out of the headlines.
Dick: They couldn't get away with that.
Maddox: Yeah, they may…
Sean: No. It would be…there's people all over…remember the rumor when they said Taco Bell wasn't meat?
Sean: All that kind of stuff? It…
Dick: (interjects) Totally false.
Sean: It was totally false. Of course it was MEAT. It's so easily testable.
Maddox: Well, the…
Sean: I don't understand that.
Maddox: No, but they do…they do test it from time to time and they find weird DNA in there, like lizard DNA.
Sean: (groans) See, he's gone really conspiratorial, too.
Dick: Lizard DNA?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Sean: I remember that guy.
Maddox: Alright, alright, alright. Look, look. McDonald's got a lot of flak for this, so…
Dick: (interjects) They found clown DNA one time, I remember that. (Sean and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Clown DNA. Was it rainbow-colored?
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Um, they did a lot of testing on this meat, whatever. There was a lot of controversy that came up with McDonald's. I think due to the response to the controversy, they then changed their formula. They said, "Okay, we're gonna use all white meat."
Sean: That's true. That's true.
Maddox: It wasn't always white meat. Back when Jamie Oliver did this program, I think it was still the cartilage and the carcasses and all that shit.
Dick: It's been white meat for a long time.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know about that.
Sean: And honestly, they don't taste any different.
Maddox: Well, this is from Washington Post.
Dick: Cause they're soaked in honey.
Maddox: No, because it's all the same chemicals they put in…they put in there.
Dick: Well, sugar. Shitloads of sugar.
Sean: Yeah, no. The breading is sweet. It's the same stuff they use for their apple pie shells.
Maddox: Is it really?
Dick: Oh, really?
Sean: I believe so, yeah. I think I read that somewhere.
Dick: So you could cram an apple pie with Chicken McNuggets?
Sean: If you taste…they taste almost the same. I think they do taste the same.
Dick: Oh, you're right. (shocked)
Sean: There is a lot of sugar in there.
Maddox: Well, this is according to the Washington Post. It says, "Americans are not lovin' it." (Dick giggles) "McDonald's same store sales have now fallen or remained flat for 13 consecutive months."
Maddox: 13 consecutive months. "According to Washington Post, McDonald's announced it is planning to close 184 restaurants across the United States this year, 59 more than it's planning to open. The scaleback is something of a historic negative milestone because it hasn't happened in more than 40 years. The last time this company contracted was in 1970."
Maddox: So, McDonald's, awhile back, I think about a year ago, started this campaign online where they were showing these videos, they were like, "We're McDonald's and we wanna be open and honest and transparent and show you guys how we make our food. We wanna answer your questions."
Maddox: Um, so they hired, what's that guy? Um…oh. Here it is.
Sean: Ronald McDonald?
Maddox: R…(Dick cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. (laughing) They hired him. He had another job at the time.
Maddox: Grant Imahara…they hired…you know who that guy is?
Dick: No. No.
Maddox: He's, like, this nice-looking, earnest fellow. This Asian dude from Mythbusters.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Dick: Yeah, I know that guy.
Maddox: But he doesn't really announce himself as that, so I didn't know who the fuck he was. He was just some Asian dude. Whatever.
Maddox: So…(giggles) this was one of the campaigns…
Dick: (interjects) We're talking about food, not math. Get outta here, you nice-looking Asian guy! (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Oh, man. Okay. Anyway, um…so, he…they hired him to talk about what's in their fries. And people would Tweet…people Tweet nasty shit to McDonald's all the fucking time. All the fucking time.
Dick: (interjects) They're haters.
Maddox: They're constantly sending McDonald's shit like "Hey, your food's awful." And it's awful. It taste…it's awful. I haven't eaten McDonald's in about 15 years.
Dick: It is…well, when you were a kid, did you like it?
Maddox: I liked fries. I mean, when I was a kid.
Dick: McNuggets, Big Macs, you didn't like any of that stuff?
Maddox: No, man.
Dick: It's, like, designed to taste good.
Maddox: You…you know, if you're not…
Dick: (interjects) Like, it's specifically good for, like, a shitty palate. Like, if you live on that stuff…go ahead.
Maddox: Dick, I grew up eating a lot of Mediterranean food, which is really strong in flavor, there's a lot of garlic, there's a lot of pepper.
Maddox: There's a of uh…onions.. and a lot of…it's just really…like, yogurt. Really strong flavors.
Maddox: I never grew a taste for McDonald's. My mom took me to McDonald's late into my youth, like I think around age 8 or 9. We'd go to McDonald's and I'd get shakes and the Chik…the fish fillet sandwich.
Dick: That makes sense.
Maddox: And the Big Mac and stuff like that. And it always tasted very, very bland to me. Um, because I grew up eating such strong-flavored food.
Maddox: So I never really grew a taste for it. The fri…the McDonald's fries are pretty decent. I…I mean, I hate…you know I brought in fries as a problem, which you shitheads voted down.
Maddox: But, um, as far as fries go, they're pretty…they're pretty tasty fries, which is not saying much, 'cause a bad fry is not much different from a good fry.
Dick: It's like you're running for fucking office over here. You're worried about flip-flopping on French Fries. (they laugh) Qualify all your statements. (Maddox laughs) "Oh, I've had a French Fry before, I'm not saying I loved it! I'm not saying it's a solution, but I have had a French fry!" (Maddox laughs) "I might have chewed it up a little bit to get a little bit more flavor out of it, but that's all I'm gonna say!"
Maddox: Shut your piehole, Dick!
Dick: Fry hole.
Maddox: Shut your…yeah. Shut your fry hole! Listen to this…listen to this clip.
Maddox: This is one of those videos that McDonald's made in response to people shitting on their food.
Dick: Oh, God. They always fuck this up.
Maddox: Oh, listen to this. This is so great. (grins) Listen to this. It's about a minute long. Listen to this.
(Sound clip: Male voice: "So I know you got a lot of questions, that's why McDonald's has asked me to help find the answers. The question is, 'Why do McDonald's French fries have 17 ingredients?' How could you possibly use 17 things and put that into a French fry? First of all, there aren't 17 ingredients."
Maddox: He's flipping a paper over.
Dick: Is that all the ingredients? Like Santa's list?
"There are actually 19. (they laugh) Item number one on the list…"
Maddox: 19!!!! (laughing)
"Potatoes. Thank goodness."
"That's…that's a good start. Now, Items 2 through 9…"
Maddox: I cut this up here.
"This is part of the oil that's used to partially fry the French fry at the supplier."
"Canola oil. Soybean oil. Hydrogenated soybean oil. Natural beef flavor."
Dick: Tallow, yeah.
"Hydrolyzed milk. Dimethylpolyciloxane. Dextrose is a sugar. Helps maintain the golden fry color."
"Sodium acid pyrophosphate. Salt. Canola oil. Corn oil. Soybean oil. Hydrogenated soybean oil with TBHQ. Citric acid."
"So at the end of the day, it's not a Frankenfry composed of chemicals. (Maddox guffaws) McDonald's French fries are made of potatoes."
Dick: Jesus. An ad agency did this?
"Keep asking questions and I'll find the answers.")
Dick: Oh, my God!!! (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: So, after listing 19 ingredients, half of which have something like eight syllables, he's like, "Well, at the end of the day, it's not a Frankenfry composed of chemicals."
Dick: Guys, get a mic. Get a lav mic if you're gonna shoot an ad for, like, a multimillion dollar fast food chain. You know?
Sean: Well, a lot of those were oils, because they fry 'em twice, right?
Maddox: Yeah, they fry those…
Sean: At the restaurant.
Maddox: They're frying 'em twice.
Sean: And I know they got in trouble for the beef tallow for a while.
Maddox: Yeah, because of…because of, uh, Muslims, right? Muslims couldn't eat them?
Sean: Uh, ye…just vegetarians, I think, uh…Hindu, and…
Maddox: Fuck the vegetarians, that's fine. But yeah, Hindus can't eat them. Uh…and then I think…
Dick: Yeah, well, go eat somewhere else! The meat flavor tastes good. The tallow tastes good on the fries.
Sean: Aren't the rest of those just, uh…preservatives?
Maddox: A lot…I think there was about three things on there that he listed as using preservatives. And he didn't use the workd preservative, because people…that has a negative connotation.
Maddox: So this is SO carefully engineered. They choose every single word meticulously.
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: They didn't say "preservative". He said, "Oh, it helps preserve freshness." So that's…that's bastardizing the word preservatives, just saying, "Well, it's preserving freshness, from…(stammers) for the time it takes to get from the supplier to the restaurant."
Sean: Maintain freshness.
Maddox: Oh, maintain freshness, yeah.
Sean: That's always the…
Dick: (interjects) It's not "preserve".
Maddox: It MAINTAINS freshness, okay. How does it MAINTAIN it? Does it preserve it, dickhead? And by the way, remember when I brought in, uh…what's the fat? Trans fats, right?
Maddox: I brought in trans…partially hydrogenated oils.
Maddox: As a big problem because it can contribute up to 20% of heart disease. Coronary heart disease.
Maddox: So, uh…that was invented to help preserve fats that transfer from the factory to the restaurant. And they're using some of these same preservatives for the same exact reason. And they're not hydrogenated oils and there's no evidence currently for their…that they're unhealthy. Um, not necessarily so. I don't know. It's just, like, these things that they start using. Like, one of the big controversial things on there is this "diisolotha…" I don't know. It's got, like, eight syllables in it, and he says, "I know it sounds scary, but it's just an antifoaming agent that's used in a number of different cooking things." Nobody uses antifoaming agent. Do you use antifoaming agent, Dick?
Dick: I have no idea what that is.
Maddox: Nobody does. You know what it is? It's just something so that when they put the fries in the fryer, it doesn't splash up and foam and come out the sides.
Dick: Well, that's what I was gonna say, everything they do is designed for safety. Like, you can't have one fuckup when you have that much food slinging around the country. So sure, they got a shitload of chemicals! Yeaaaaaaaah. A lot of it's bad! It's not…it's not good for you.
Dick: But a lot of people just don't have the time to eat healthy. You know, realistically? They don't. They're working…they got a family to take care of. They go…going through McDonald's a couple times a week isn't gonna kill anybody. It's not gonna hurt anything. And it tastes good. (Maddox guffaws) Like, you can knock them for putting together embarrassing viral videos, but I wanna, like, what really is bad about them?
Maddox: It doesn't taste good. It's shitty quality food. It's the bottom of the barrel. It's just…it's uh…um. And by the way, they also made this…they also have this article saying that they're now going to start making their hamburgers to order. Made to order hamburgers.
Maddox: Wow, what a novel fucking thought! I order food and you make it for me?! Cool! Where can I get that experience? How about every fucking restaurant. So McDona…and this is…
Dick: (interjects) That's like…restaurants are more money, though! People can't afford that!
Maddox: It doesn't have to be that. It can be…what they're labeling, they're saying, uh…companies like Chipotle are growing in market share because they're calling them…
Dick: McDonald's own them, by the way.
Maddox: McDonald's owns them?
Dick: Owned them.
Maddox: Oh, owned them.
Dick: They sold them recently.
Maddox: Oh, that was a mistake.
Dick: I mean, it's the same company. Was a big mistake.
Maddox: They're calling them casual…casual fast food places. Where it's not quite fast food, but it's not quite a restaurant, either.
Maddox: Um, that's what they're calling these places. And those are…those are starting to g…but it doesn't cost that much more to have better food. And I'm not saying…you know, Dick, your expensive steak argument, "Oh, if you pay more you're gonna get better food." To an extent. To a degree. And also, you pay less and you get worse food to an extent and to a degree.
Dick: Of course.
Maddox: But McDonald's is, like, the bottom of the barrel. It is the worst! It is abs…it doesn't taste good. I really don't think it does.
Dick: The people who are eating there, I think, know that. Like, I…(stammers) I don't think they can just to Whole Foods, pick up a premade meal, get home, and spend four hours cooking it. You know what I'm saying? Like, it's nice to have the luxury, but people just don't have it. In fact, when you started this by saying they're closing all those restaurants…
Dick: And the stock is plummeting…
Dick: I think that's because, during the recession, they were seeing huge increases in profits, and huge demand, 'cause it was a dollar! You could go eat for a dollar. And if they didn't have that, like, what are people gonna do?
Dick: They can't afford to eat nice food.
Maddox: No, but it's…the reason there's this whole…there's this whole argument. I…hate, hate, hate the movie Food Inc. Have you seen Food Inc?
Maddox: It's an awful movie. Um, but they do have a couple of good points they make in that movie, and that is that every piece of beef that you buy in America, almost every single piece of beef was manufactured for McDonald's, because they are the number one supplier.
Maddox: They are the number one…they're the ones who create these, uh…these factory farms and have such a high demand on beef. And because of that, they…because they churn these out in these factory farms, it's just really low quality cows. They're pumped with hormones and all this shit. It's not…it's not good stuff. But they could be doing that same thing and investing in agriculture, or anything else. And now McDonald's is kind of in this, like, limbo, as a corporation, because people want healthier food options, so they're starting to offer salads and things on their menu.
Maddox: Which, they're still fucking up. There's, like…
Maddox: There's so much sugar in their salad dressing. There's so much sugar in everything on their menu. But they're trying, and they're kind of lost, because their core customer base wants shit, 'cause they're used to having shit in their mouths.
Maddox: And they're huge dickheads and they love sucking dick and they're giant dumbass assholes who are pieces of shit…(trails off)
Dick: And they don't have all day to sit around planning their next meal. (Maddox cracks up) and infinite funds to just go around ringing up fancy food at the Farmer's Market.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, and that's what pisses me off about Food Inc, is they suggest…they have the audacity to suggest that people should go to farmer's markets and get their fucking groceries?!!?
Maddox: Get the fuck outta here!!
Dick: They're so expensive. They're SO expensive.
Maddox: It's SO expensive. I mean, I get that McDonald's is serving a market, but man, some of their customers are real dipshits. I once…
Dick: (interjects) Here's…go ahead.
Maddox: I just wanted to say this. I went to a McDonald's one time. Uh, you know Dodge Viper? The Dodge Viper's a cool car, right?
Dick: Alright, get outta here. I know about the Dodge Viper. (grins)
Maddox: (giggles) It's a sexy car.
Dick: '96 Dodge Viper. Get outta here.
Maddox: I wanna put my penis in that thing. I'll slam my penis in the door. That'll be a satisfying experience. Dodge Viper? Hell yeah, baby.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Anyway. Anyway, yeah. So I went to…I was…(guffaws) at my old job, there was a McDonald's next to this place I used to go to. This, like, burrito shop, or whatever? (Sean cracks up) And I always saw this Dodge Viper…what, Sean!?! (accusatory)
Sean: A burrito shop!
Maddox: It was a burrito shop!!
Dick: That's what he ate.
Maddox: Go do…what?!
Dick: Go ahead…(laughs)
Maddox: It was good food! Anyway, I always saw this Dodge Viper parked in the parking lot as McDonald's.
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: And I always chuckled to myself, 'cause I'm like. "Oh, he can afford a nice car, but he can't afford nice food?"
Dick: Probably the owner.
Dick: He was probably the owner.
Maddox: The owner of the…
Dick: If he was always parked there….
Maddox: It was just during lunch. The car was never there, like, during…
Dick: (interjects) Alright.
Maddox: Maybe the owner came in just during lunchtime, man.
Dick: Franchisee. Coulda had a bunch of stores that he was hopping around to.
Maddox: Yeah. What did you…what did you want to say?
Dick: Here comes…here comes the "hatocracy" part of it.
Maddox: The hatocracy. Okay. (grins)
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause…you and your hatocracy.
Maddox: Okay. (laughs)
Dick: You've built an empire of hatocracy.
Maddox: Hatocracy. Okay. Uh-huh. (grinning)
Dick: That's what you're all about.
Dick: Why…McDonald's. When your argument is so clearly fast food-based. Why did you single out McDonald's?
Maddox: Because McDonald's is the biggest, the baddest, and the worst.
Dick: But if they're gone…if McDonald's is a problem and they're gone, all you got is Jack in the Box, Carl's Jr…like, it's just…it's…(stammers) I don't know. It's like trying to drain the ocean. Like, you remove McDonald's, you've got hundreds of other fast food restaurants ready to take their place.
Maddox: So, McDonald's is Al Qaeda and all the other ones are ISIS, right?
Dick: Yeah. You want ISIS to come in? (Maddox laughs) Jack in the Box is the one doing stoner marketing! McDonald's doesn't stoop to those levels, do they?!
Dick: McDonald's is your pal!!
Maddox: I don't think so!!!
Dick: They just wanna cheer you up, give you a Happy Meal!
Dick: Jack in the Box wants to give you a Stoner Meal! (grins) (Maddox giggles) They want you to get HIIIIIIIIIIGH and buy eggrolls!
Maddox: So, Dick. Um, one of these stupid campaigns they had online, where…
Dick: (interjects) You didn't answer my question, though!
Dick: You didn't answer my question! Why McDonald's?!
Maddox: Because they're the biggest, the baddest, and the worst! They're by far the worst. But McDonald's comprises of something like 90% of the fast food market, like, they're…they're number one!! I think!
Dick: I don't think it's that high.
Maddox: Well, they said that Chipotle is only 5%, or, yeah. It's like 5% now and Subway, oh, actually, Subway might be number one right now. Subway…Subway's really grown. I don't know, man. McDonald's is the biggest and baddest. They are synonymous with that fast food. Look, man. I like some fast food. I eat at In and Out. In and Out is a good quality burger. I feel like every time I eat an In and Out burger, I don't feel like an asshole. I don't feel like I just ate a bag full of, like, pig colons. Like, I don't feel like I have that, like, sinking feeling in my stomach where I just ate, like, forks and empty containers of tuna fish.
Dick: Yeah. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: And a boot.
Maddox: And a boo…(laughs) And a boot, yeah.
Dick: And, like, a washing board.
Dick: One of those (makes washing board grinding sound)
Maddox: And an anchor. Uh, all the things…yeah. I…
Dick: And a book of clichés. (laughs)
Maddox: (cracks up) Um, yeah. I don't feel like that. 'Cause it's a better quality…they put fresher ingredients in there, and it's decent. And it's also cheap. Man, you wanna spend a dollar at McDonald's? You can't muster up another dollar to buy an In and Out burger? Come on.
Dick: No!!!! First of all, that is…like, that's not an assumption. You can feed a FAMILY at McDonald's, with, like, a varied menu. Throw some chicken in there! Look, I don't eat it! I go way far out of my way to try NOT to eat it!
Maddox: Bullshit! You eat McDonald's all the time. You leave behind McDonald's wrappers in my apartment all the time…
Dick: Sometimes I have to here if we record during a mealtime, 'cause I don't wanna get "hangry". (Maddox guffaws) So I pick up some McNuggets on the way over.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh..
Dick: Usually a 20 piece, which is a very reasonable price.
Maddox: McDonald's is awful. It's not food. Those 20-piece…
Dick: (interjects) What if they changed their menu? What if they would, like, change their menu to be more healthy? Would you still be anti-McDonald's, or would you be okay with them?
Maddox: It would have to be two things. It would have to be healthier…
Dick: (interjects) If they started offering hummus, would you be okay with them? (grins)
Maddox: (laughing) Fuck you!
Dick: Or telluli. Or lula. Or….(Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: That's ra…
Dick: Or shawarma!
Maddox: That's racist, dickhead!
Dick: If they had McShawarma…(cracks up)
Maddox: Fuck…fuck you!!
(Sound effect: "Wrong buzzer")
Maddox: I don't need to put up with this shit!! (angry)
(Sound effect: Baby laugh)
Dick: Yeah, that's…that's definitely racist, right? What I just said was definitely racist!
Maddox: I'm gonna…I'm gonna contact that Southern Poverty Law Center!! I'm gonna report you for a hate crime!
Dick: (laughing) Oh, man. They're gonna tell you, "Oh, Dick? Unstumpable."
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, (cracks up)
Dick: You're trying to stump him? Forget about it. (grins)
Maddox: Oh, man. So, one of those campaigns? Like, someone tweeted at McDonald's, because there's this picture that was floating around on the Internet with the pink slime, right?
Maddox: And, supposedly, it's not McDonald's.
Dick: Not McDonald's. (grins)
Maddox: But then they also had…
Dick: (interjects) But everybody hates them!
Maddox: They also had a picture of the McRib as, like, a frozen little square. This rectangle.
Maddox: And this guy said, "Oh, man, I'm never gonna eat at McDonald's!" and he tweeted that at McDonald's! And so they brought him on in one of these stupid campaigns, these PR campaigns? To show him how they make a McRib. And here's…here's the intro to the piece. Listen to this.
(Clip starts: Male voice: "McDonald's brought me here because of a tweet that they saw. Someone sent me a picture of what I thought was a McRib. And I put "WoooooWW" with a bunch of O's and W's and that looked disgusting. And I was encouraging everyone to never eat anything from McDonald's again, so I think you all wanna bring me here so that I can actually see how the McRib is made…"
"…and see if my mind can be changed a little bit.")
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: What was the…what was the decision?
Maddox: Well, so…they went through the entire process, they're like, "Well that's not true. That's not what the McRib looks like." And that's a myth, and that's just floating around on the Internet. Then they…you fast forward to the end of the 4-minute video, and they pull out this thing that looks EXACTLY like the picture he tweeted at McDonald's! It's the same fucking thing! Not the pink slime, but the brick. The brick thing.
Dick: Yeah, the rib-shaped McRib patty. We all know that.
Maddox: Yeah, the rib-shaped McRib…
Dick: With the fake bones.
Maddox: And McDonald's showed him the process, and they showed that these big cuts of pork that they put into the big vat…
Dick: Pff, delicious! Delicious pork.
Maddox: Yeah, hohohohooo!! Yeah. So, they grind it all up and stamp it down and process it, it just…it's SHITTY quality food, man!
Dick: Listen to me. Because you're gonna get a lot of support, because for some reason, everyone hates McDonald's.
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Dick: And I don't think we know what the reason is, yet. I think we've proved that with this discussion today. Like, the Internet is ready to pounce on them at a moment's notice. The pink slime came out…
Dick: And it was the hatocracy in full force. "Fuck you and your pink slime! You're fucking disgusting!" Tweeting it at…in line at Whole Foods, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: You should…(Maddox laughs) Everyone should spend 27 hours a day figuring out what to eat! But it's something…it's something about McDonald's that people hate.
Maddox: It's that shitty food…
Dick: I'm gonna say spoiled fucks! Hey. And I don't know…I think you might hate it for real reasons. But I'm saying everybody.
Dick: 'Cause there's a lot of shitty food out there! You know? Pringles, Lays Potato Chips. It's all really bad for you!
Maddox: Yeah, that's true!
Dick: But why McDonald's?
Maddox: They're number one, man!
Dick: They're an American institution!
Maddox: Bec…you know…
Dick: (interjects) They change by little bits and pieces, like moving a boulder! You gotta just…go ahead. Go ahead.
Maddox: There's something insidious about McDonald's. It's because they've been marketing for years to kids. The Happy Meals and all the marketing for kids. Trying to get them hooked at a young age with the toys and the Gremlins tie-ins, and I remember growing up, Gremlins was the biggest movie in America.
Dick: With that sexy Gremlin? You ever jerk off to that one?
Dick: I have. (grins)
Maddox: Why?!! Gross!!!
Maddox: You know what happens if you jerk off on a Gremlin after midnight!? (Dick cracks up) A Mugwi. (laughing)
Dick: Alright, we're running out of time. You got anything to say?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, man. Uh, yeah. McDonald's is awful.
Maddox: It's awful, it's awful. And, so…so my two problems this week are Shit and McDonald's, which is really one problem.
Dick: My problem is Data Caps.
Maddox: (laughing) Data Caps. Uh, yeah. We didn't…we didn't get to y…do you have time for your other problem? What are we…
Dick: No, no, no. It's too late.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. This is a long episode. Long episode!
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Alright. Let's wrap this up. So vote up McDonald's and Shit, and Data Caps, I guess. They're ALL problems this week!
Dick: Yeah. Go stump yourself. (Maddox laughs)
(Voice mail: Male voice with fake Russian accent: "Comrade Maddox. This is Vladimir Putin. And obviously, this is how I talk." (Maddox guffaws) For many years, Soviet scientists and Heistmasters attempt to make brilliant scheme to steal the Crown Jewels from Capitalist pigs in the United Kingdom. And for many years, every time, we are foiled by single Beefeater guard."
Maddox: That's me!!!
"I listened to your episode, and hear your brilliant plan…"
Dick: This how Putin talks?! (Maddox laughs) He said it was, but I don't know if it is. (grins)
"To heist the Crown Jewels from United Kingdom. And I say, 'This man is genius.' (Dick and Maddox crack up) I must have those Crown Jewels. So, Soviet Russia is friends to Maddox."
Dick: (laughing) It could have ended there.
"…for your heist of Crown Jewels. (accent changes) And upon successful escape with jetpack…(Maddox laughs) I became Borat all of a sudden. (they crack up)"
"I will pay you…465 Rubles. Which translates into approximately 67 dollars."
Dick: You could buy our season pass with that.
Maddox: Uh…yeah. You COULD buy. He could buy two!!
"GO FUCK YOURSELF, DICK!!!")
Maddox: Oh, my gosh, these fucking voice mails, man. Vladimir Putin, so, he would buy my…the Crown Jewels that I stole…and he said…I don't like the way he threw a little of English on that, uh…"jetpack". (taunting voice) He said it almost sarcastically.
Dick: Oh. I don't know. I don't have enough familiarity with Putin to know when he's being sarcastic.
Maddox: Fuck…fuck that guy! Oh, and by the way, Dick, uh, we forgot…(giggles) Well, it's my fault. I forgot to post the Smash Brothers video of us playing last episode?
Maddox: I'm gonna post it on this one. Uh, check it out. It'll be on the website.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Heyyyyy, this is Tyler again. Damn thing must have cut me off 'cause I went on too long, so sorry about that." (Maddox guffaws) "Last thing I wanted to say, though, is that Dick, you're great. Maddox, go fuck yourself.")
Maddox: What was…what was that from?
Dick: I didn't play his other one. It was 3 minutes long!!!
Maddox: Oh, that was the guy.
Dick: This fucking guy.
Maddox: He's the guy on Twitter. He tweeted at us, and he said he sent in a 3-minute long, uh…rant about Dropbox. Was it that guy?
Dick: Oh, man. Uh…I do have a huge Dropbox voicemail. I mean, we're getting too long. I'm just gonna play…this guy…this new listener started listening and ranked the most funny to the least funny moments of the show. But it's too…I'm just gonna play this story.
Dick: It's 5 minutes long also. We'll end on that.
Maddox: Let's do it…
Dick: Let's do it next time?