The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 65

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock and Laurie Foster

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchased by visiting and using promo code "BIGGEST".

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Jury Duty to Jew Jokes. (Dick and Sean laugh loudly) With o-... (cracks up) With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick! (Dick still giggling) And Sean, our audio engineer.

Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Welcome back.

Dick: That's a new one!

Maddox: That is a new one. So while I was doing prep for the show, I went through the main "Problems" page.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And a guy named James Gàrlánd wrote a huge list of alphabetical problems to go through, and that was one of them on the list. So thank you, James Gàrlánd, for that suggestion.

Dick: Oh, so you could pair them up?

Maddox: Yeah! (grins)

Dick: Yeah, that's funny.

Maddox: Yeah, I was really...that was really funny.

Dick: That's a good idea.

Maddox: That made me...that made me laugh. Um...yeah! So.

Dick: How'd we do?

Maddox: Alright, Dick. (sighs)

Dick: Who's listening to Titanic this week?

Maddox: Nobody, because I called this... (drumroll sound effect) Shenanigans!

Dick: What do you mean? You call what shenanigans?

Maddox: Shenanigans, shenanigans. Piss Driblets got the #1 vote last time.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Followed by Infantilism. Uh, it was pretty close. Then Hunting Cry Babies, and then Ants. 

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: All in the positive. Everybody thought everything we brought in was a problem last time, except Piss Driblets was an anomaly, Dick, I think. I think Piss Driblets is an anomaly, 'cause we've never had a problem like that that is -

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean?

Maddox: That is a non-problem, trivial, throwaway...uh, minor inconvenience, personal g-...personal annoyance.

Sean: We've never had a problem like that?? (incredulous) (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: No, I...lemme finish!

Dick: What about French Bread?! (laughs with Sean)

Maddox: Lemme finish! Lemme finish: VOTED to the top of the list like that.

Sean: Hmmm. (in background)

Maddox: So...

Dick: Yeah, but the other problems weren't that...

Maddox: Mhm. (skeptical)

Dick: Like, it wasn't that high. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The other problems just weren't that great. Er, they weren't that big of problems.

Maddox: Oh, really? It's not as big of a problem as Infantilism, or it's bigger than Infantilism? 

Dick: Ehh, I...

Maddox: And Ants??

Dick: You know, I...lemme tell you about -

Maddox: (interjects) Something that annoys everybody??

Dick: I know ants are annoying, but I'm more annoyed by piss driblets. (Maddox scoffs) Like, I...and I have a lot more exposure to ants than you, I think.

Maddox: Dick... (exasperated) Dick. So, this...these...I called shenanigans last episode, didn't I? About the Dropbox, because -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, you were kinda right. 

Maddox: Mhmhmhmm, AHAHA. (tauntingly)

Dick: You were KIND OF right. You were kind of right.

Maddox: Let me get...let me get to it. 

Dick: We were - 

Maddox: (interjects) Sean...Sean -

Dick: (interjects) They put a hack on us, Sean.

Maddox: Sean...that's right!! You remember I said that the vote was skewed for the Dropbox, 'cause I'd never seen anything downvoted so high.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It did seem excessive.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It WAS excessive.

Dick: It was.

Maddox: So I logged in, and I did some snoopin' around, and I looked at the database and I looked at the votes, and lo and behold, there were hundreds of fake votes for Dropbox. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And -

Dick: (interjects) It was a good catch.

Sean: It's like an election.

Dick: That was a good catch.

Maddox: Uh-huh! And then the, uh, one of the top comments here...Bryan Gibson says, "I voted up Ants, voted down Piss Driblets, and in a matter of 45 seconds and two refreshes, Piss Driblets jumped around two hundred votes. Anyone else seen this happen during voting?"

Dick: Well, no, but that's because the...the page itself is cached.

Maddox: Not by 200, Dick.

Dick: Nonono! Yes, yes, it is! It -

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, yeah. No, I know, but I myself was doin' the same thing and I noticed the same anomaly.

Dick: Yes, because when you load it first, it's a cached version, and then when you click the vote it sends the most current version. So right when the episode launches, that happens, because the cache expires like every couple of hours.

Maddox: Yeah, but not by 200 votes.

Dick: Yes, it does! Because if 200 votes happen in an hour, then it will give you the most current vote tally. Like, if you start the episode, the votes are extremely low.

Maddox: Right, right.

Dick: Like, what was Piss Driblets in at the end? 400? 500? Something like that?

Maddox: Right now it's's over 1,000, Dick.

Dick: Yeah. See, all the votes for our shows come in close to the start of the episode launching. Like, they accelerate and then they plateau. So if you vote during that first acceleration, you'll get a jump like that. You'll experience a jump like that.

Maddox: Dick, I understand, but administrators like you and I don't see cached votes, do we? We see them in real time. And I also logged into the server to double check, and in real time, the votes were consistent with the votes I was seeing on there. I call shenanigans! So we caught the ones for the Dropbox vote.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We didn't catch this one. 

Dick: I mean, that's...there's nothing to catch! Like, what... (stammers) Do you want me to bring in the evidence for Piss Driblets to prove that Piss Driblets is a problem? 

Maddox: I...I...

Dick: What will satisfy you?

Maddox: I really don't think that our listeners, for the first time EVER, have voted up a problem so high that's a non-problem. It's never happened!

Dick: It's definite-...we got so much email regarding piss driblets and how much they annoy everybody. It's a huge problem! The email flood alone should prove to you that it's a big problem.

Maddox: No, don't defend this, Dick. You know it's not! You know it's not. Same thing with Dropbox.

Dick: I think...I brought it in 'cause it's a big problem! And by the way, Dropbox is still very much in the negative, even with those fake votes thrown out.

Maddox: Right, but there's also that effect, the psychological effect when people see a lot of people doing something, they'll also do that thing.

Dick: That's what happened to Bush!

Maddox: So it's possible. (cracks up)

Dick: You're right!

Maddox: Okay. Yeah.

Dick: CNN launches the wrong presidential winner, and people don't go show up to vote. Right?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. 

Dick: Is that what happened in that election?

Maddox: What, you mean -

Dick: (interjects) Is that the right election that I'm talkin' about?

Maddox: The second election?

Dick: Yeah. Is that what happened?

Maddox: Uhh, I d-...yeah, there was some con-...

Dick: I forget how it went.

Maddox: There was some controversy there.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was either CNN or NBC or something.

Dick: And then the next election cycle, they all tripped over themselves to not call it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You remember that?

Maddox: Yeah. I'd rather them err on that side. But yeah, Dick, shenanigans. Shenanigans. I don't believe -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, you're a poor loser.

Maddox: I don't, no! No.

Dick: (chuckles) You're a poor loser. That's what it is.

Maddox: This isn't about losing, Dick! This show's not a contest. (Sean laughs in the background) And I think specifically...and I'm totally serious about this. I think specifically the contest element of this show is hurting the show. 

Dick: Oh, my GOD. (sighing)

Maddox: I absolutely believe that, 'cause I think it's -

Dick: (interjects) Well, go vote me up then.

Maddox: It's cheapening... (cracks up) I haven't brought you in as a problem yet, except for Indignant Co-hosts.

Dick: Indignant Co-hosts. Go vote it up.

Maddox: That...but that's an indirect...that's an indirect, uh, passive-aggressive way of bringing you in as a problem. I haven't brought you in -

Dick: (interjects) Just like this is. 

Maddox: No!! 

Dick: This is indirect passive aggression against the vote...the contest part.

Maddox: I have not... (Dick laughs) Because there is no contest part, Dick. And I think that it's cheapening the show, (Dick guffaws) and it's's hurting the show, because people start doing shenanigans like this.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because they think the votes matter because they wanna hear whatever gimmick for the next week.

Dick: I think Piss Driblets is a big problem!! That's why I brought it in. I'm surprised at the results too, but then, look at it. Infantilism...I don't think the case was well-made. For infantilism.

Maddox: Well, of course not, because -

Dick: (interjects) You were talking about coloring books.

Maddox: When you ignore every piece of evidence that I bring in, and then just go to your default, uh, "So what's the problem?" by ignoring everything I bring in, of COURSE, Dick. Because you have this tendency, when I bring in huge problems...

Dick: Here we go.

Maddox: ...with lots of evidence and make a case for it...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox:'ll just sit there and'll ignore everything I said. "Well, what's the problem?" (dumb voice) As if I had not said anything.

Sean: Fuckin' libertarian. (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Dick: Some guy in the comments, I thought, made a more compelling case than you did about infantilism, though.

Maddox: Well...

Dick: I don't, I don't remember enough of it to recite it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But he was talking about how, um...he was talking about how it makes people weaker and less responsible. It was a more compelling case.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: But I still don't think coloring books, like adults doing coloring books, is that big of a problem. Like, it seems like more of a legitimate form of escapism to me.

Maddox: Dick, I literally -

Dick: (interjects) I don't wanna shit on your problem, 'cause it's...I think it's stupid and annoying!

Maddox: But I literally said that it makes you weak and irresponsible during that episode, didn't I?

Dick: Yeah, but I know -

Maddox: (interjects) I said it makes you UNPREPARED...

Dick: But he said it in a better way.

Maddox: Okay, GREAT. (angry) Great. But I wasn't just reducing the entire problem down to people who use coloring books. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's no one thing that you can do or not do to not be infantile. 

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: I'm just saying that that's one symptom of people who are potentially infantile, or they infantilize themselves.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: In fact, somebody sent me this article just, actually just after the episode aired.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: There's a new adult, uh, preschool launching in New York. Did you guys hear about this?

Dick: I t-...that's what I was talkin' about on the episode! 

Maddox: What?

Dick: Yeah! That...what you're saying!

Maddox: The adult preschool?

Dick: Yeah! Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. It costs $1,000 to attend this adult preschool.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: And you join and you play with Play-Doh, and you draw in coloring books. And furthermore, I looked at this article on triggering, and people who...there was this big event at this college where someone was gonna come and do a rape talk, right? Uh...

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: Yeah, they were talkin' about r-

Dick: (interjects) Triggerrrrr. (grins)

Maddox: Right. So they was, like, this -

Sean: (interjects) TED Talk's evil twin. (Dick guffaws)

Dick: HA! A rape talk! (giggles)

Maddox: Ra-... (cracks up) A rape talk. Yeah, it's a real, uh, real weird audience. Tepid crowd. So... (Sean chuckles in the background) During this rape talk, whatever, people said that there was going to be a safe space for people who felt "triggered."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And during this safe space for people, they would go to this room, this rec center, and then they would play with Play-Doh...

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: ...and draw in coloring books. So what they're literally doing is infantilizing them and making them avoid any kind of uncomfortable feelings or trauma they might have. It helps them avoid any kind of responsibility or...the adult feelings of dealing with your trauma and your grief.

Dick: Okay! That's a great reason.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You didn't say that last week, though.

Maddox: I said...I did say it helps you avoid being an adult and real life and responsibilities and all those things.

Dick: Yeah, but that's...that's not the same as dealing with things that trouble you.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Like, 'cause you know I have a problem with people not wanting to see things that trouble them.

Maddox: Sure. 

Dick: Yeah. But not dealing with real life, I'm on board with that.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Like yeah, real life fuckin' sucks.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It will suck the life outta you. Find something to escape from it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: As long as it doesn't hurt anyone else, but what you're saying's different.

Maddox: Well, I call shenanigans on Piss Driblets. I don't think our fans are that stupid. I really don't.

Dick: That's not stupid!!

Maddox: It's...absolutely stupid.

Dick: Piss Driblets are a big problem!

Maddox: No they're not, and you're disingenuous. There's no fuckin' way.

Sean: (laughing) You call them call them idiots every episode!

Dick: Every episode you call them idiots.

Maddox: Well, they're definitely idiots! (Sean laughing) 

Dick: Why do you -

Maddox: (interjects) Everyone is compared to me, but I don't believe that they're THAT idiotic.

Dick: Says the guy who plugs his pee-hole to see what would happen. (Sean cackles in the background) Who... (cracks up)

Maddox: (yells) That's a ssss-...that's a SCIENTIST, I thought of an EXPERIMENT, and I get shit on! (Dick laughing) (stammers angrily) I get no respect in this show!! If I had discovered something, if I had discovered the next, like, know, hose technique? If you could p-...if you could spray your pee further??

Dick: And you'd never have to get off the couch? You could just sit on the couch and squirt your piss around the corner? (grins)

Maddox: Well, think abou-

Dick: (interjects) Like, put a little English on it and spray it in the toilet from the couch? (Maddox laughs) You'd never have to get up? (giggles)

Sean: Just lob it into the sink from the living room.

Dick: Yeah!! Yeah.

Maddox: Think about...think about it in terms of truck drivers, right? You're driving, you gotta pee... (Dick and Sean laughing) Right now what truck drivers do is they pee in a bottle and then throw it out a window. Is that a better solution??

Dick: Yeah. Piss jugs, man.

Maddox: No, put your thumb over the hole and squirt it out the side! (Dick and Sean giggle more)

Dick: Out the side of the window?!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: So it splatters all over your truck?

Maddox: Who cares??

Dick: And all over other drivers?

Maddox: Whatever!

Dick: And bicyclers?

Maddox: Well, the...

Dick: You wanna get a buncha trucker piss all over you, soaked in Corn Nuts?? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Better than a fuckin' bottleful that's gonna explode all over my car, or sit there in the heat and then finally explode all over some fuckin' lizard!

Dick: You dump it out when you stop!! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: That's not what they do! They...they hurl it!

Dick: Oh, you're so bitter.

Maddox: They lob it like a grenade.

Dick: You're so salty.

Maddox: I got a comment. 

Dick: You're... (laughs) salty.

Maddox: I got a c-... (cracks up) I got a comment, from Ryan Sean Devlin. He says, "'Hunting Cry Babies' is reaaallly misleading. The majority of Facebook warriors were crying about an American *poaching* in Africa, not *hunting.*" 

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: And uh, Dick, um... (chuckles) The dentist actually was poaching, and he has prior poaching records.

Dick: I know! I brought that up on the show.

Maddox: Huh. Yeah. 

Dick: Yeah, I don't care if he was. Again.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Alright. Here's, uh...I got a voicemail from the hunting problem that you're talkin' about.

Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays first voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): (weepy Cowardly Lion voice) Dick and Maaaaaddox. (Maddox laughs) Where do you guys get off talkin' about Cecil bein' killed and not even talk about his family? This is me, the Cowardly Lion. I was brave at one point. I felt on top of the woyuld. (Dick and Maddox giggle) And then Cecil and I were walkin' toward the edge of the forest, and we smelled somethin' delicious, so we went out to see what it was, and... (cries) I saw 'im! I saw him and I was gonna get out and give that dentist the old one-two. I was gonna get RRRROUGH with him. But then I saw his crossbow, and realized I'm a giant pussy. He left behind cubs, you guys! He had a family! I mean, I know I had to eat 'em, 'cause they weren't mine, but still!! (everyone laughs) Those were my nephew-ew-ews. (crying) 

Maddox: This is a...

Voicemail: Anyway, you guys. (Maddox and Dick crack up again) I'll talk to you later. Dick, go fuck yourself.

[message ends]

Maddox: That's one, uh -

Dick: (interjects) Cowardly Lion.

Maddox: That's one Jewish lion.

Dick: Uh-oh! 

Maddox: Oh, Jew j-... (cracks up)

Dick: Is that on the list?

Maddox: Jew jokes! (laughs)

Dick: Jew jokes? 

Maddox: It will be.

Dick: Okay. Do you want another, um...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...Cecil voicemail?

Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Hi. This is Cecil the Lion's brother. 

Dick: Oh.

Voicemail: Chet the Lion. (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Dick: Sounds like a real asshole.

Voicemail: I'm just callin' in to say that whoever shot Cecil was a god damn hero. Cecil was a DOUCHEBAG. 

Maddox: Ah, knew it.

Voicemail: He was the Kanye West of lions. 

Dick: Maybe he was! You don't know that.

Maddox: Yeah, true.

Voicemail: He raped my wife, always cheated at Pinochle...

Dick: Most people... (laughs)

Voicemail: ...and to top it off, was one of the most outspoken anti-Semites I ever knew. (Sean and Maddox laugh) I'm glad he's dead. Fuck him, and fuck anybody defending him.

[message ends]

Dick: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: Wooow. 

Dick: That's his own brother! Who says that.

Maddox: Yeah, his own brother threw him under the bus, huh? 

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: He's the Mel Gibson of lions, it sounds like.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: I got a comment from Simon Kempthorne. He says, "Perhaps hunters should hunt ants. Two problems solved in one fell swoop." I agree. That would be awesome. And then I got a comment from Evan Harrington. He says, "I always squeeze the piss out of my dick when I'm done peeing. My underwear's clean." Thank you, Evan. 

Dick: Yeah, a lot of people had some advice for me on how to stop that from happening. It was, um...

Sean: Wring it out like a bar towel? (Dick inhales thoughtfully)

Dick: Uh... (Maddox laughs) No, it was more stupid than that. It was like, hook your hand...hook your hand into a claw shape and, like, squeeze against your prostate. Like, reach around your nut sack, and press it into your prostate to, like, clean out the...remaining urine.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But then I gotta wash my hands!

Maddox: Yeah. I got a suggestion too. Um, how 'bout just fuck off? It's a drop of pee. Shut up. (giggles to himself) How 'bout that?

Dick: Here, uh, Paul -

Maddox: (interjects) That's from me, by the way.

Dick: Paul Husson, a urologist, wrote in.

Maddox: (chuckles) Re-...oh yeah? 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What'd he say?

Dick: He says, "You guys might've looked this up, but I wanted to clear something up. Your kidneys are constantly making urine as your blood is filtered. This urine is then transported to the bladder for storage. When you're ready to urinate, your sphincter relaxes and the bladder, which is a muscle..." So you were right about this.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: "...does contract, and urine goes out the urethra." Uh, "When you think you're done, the sphincter contracts again and closes off the bladder, depending on how long your urethra is."

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: Long. Right?

Maddox: Yeah, very long. (smiles)

Dick: *Very* long.

Maddox: Yeeeah.

Dick: Very long. (chuckling) "A certain amount of urine is trapped. Shaking only gets a couple drops out, and might fling off on your pants anyway. Instead, press up under your scro-..." See, they always says "press up under your scrotum"! What...who's doing that?

Maddox: Well, I guess if you wanna solve this problem, Dick, you gotta get up in there in your scrote!

Dick: Do you do that??

Maddox: No!

Dick: No. Me neither.

Maddox: 'Cause it's not a fuckin' problem. It's a drop of pee. I don't CARE.

Dick: "Maddox, when you felt pain in your kidneys, you were actually forcing urine backwards into the kidneys by blocking your pee-hole. Nice job." 

Maddox: HA. (Sean chuckles in the background) You know what?

Dick: "I'm a urologist. This is how I talk."

Maddox: You... (laughs with Sean) You know what, Mr. Urologist, smart guy? Here's what I think: I think the more I practice doing this with my, know, my pee-hole fire hose thing?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The stronger my bladder muscles are gonna get. 

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: I'll be able to snap a pencil with my bladder, baby.

Dick: It's the ultimate leg day.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs with Sean)

Dick: You're working out your bladder every day.

Maddox: Ahhh.

Dick: Here's another voicemail.

Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, thanks for distinguishing between infantilism and a healthy adult interest in something that's childlike. 

Maddox: M'kay, here we go. (Dick giggles)

Voicemail: Now if only my friends could understand that my interest in diapers and binkies is just a part of my aesthetic. (Sean cracks up in the background)

[message ends]

Dick: Yeah, maybe it's just part of his aesthetic. (grinning)

Maddox: These fuckin' idiots. You know what? The #1...the shittiest argument from that episode that's been haunting me, 'cause all your...your, uh, your legions of acolytes were PARODYING it.

Dick: Mine?!

Maddox: Yeah, yours!!

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: YOURS! 'Cause you can tell who they are.

Dick: The Dickheads?

Maddox: The Dickheads!

Dick: That's what I call them. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah, in the c-... (cracks up) The Dickheads. (everyone laughs) Yeah.

Sean: How did nobody come up with that?? (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Sack up, boys! 

Maddox: Yeah. (more giggling) The Dickheads and the piss driblets of arguments that they had. They were saying, "Oh Maddox, uh... (stammers) You have a problem with infantilism, yet you play video games, uhhh!" (idiot voice) These morons!

Dick: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: Not all video games are for kids, dipshits! The average age of a gamer is 35 years old! And I looked it up, Dick, and you were like, "Well, are those mostly casual gamers?" (dumb voice) And I looked it up, and... (cracks up)

Dick: That's a valid question. You don't need to say it like an asshole. (Maddox giggles) That's a valid question for that statistic.

Maddox: It absolutely isn't. 'Cause casual or not, they're still playing video games. It's 2%. 2% makes up the casual video game market.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: The rest are, games like "Grand Theft Auto" and games like "Manhunt" and "Outlast," all these really violent and sexually...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...suggestive games, they're not for kids. Just like not all animation is for kids, morons. 

Dick: Eh...okay. I just think there's more...I think there's more in common between video games and adult coloring books than you're letting on.

Maddox: There isn't! Any...again, there isn't any more than animation being for kids. The movie "Akira" is not for kids.

Dick: I haven't seen that.

Maddox: (chuckles) The movie "Ninja Scroll" is not for kids. It has sex, graphic sex...

Dick: Okay! Yeah, yeah.

Maddox: ...graphic violence.

Dick: It's for teens, though. Like, it's more for teens than what you say.

Maddox: Then how come the average age of the...there are...what about "Adult Only"-rated games? They're ju-...they're...that's -

Dick: (interjects) Does anyone pay attention to that shit??

Maddox: Yeah, of COURSE, man.

Dick: "Adult Only"?

Maddox: "Adult Only," and "Mature"-rated. There's, uh, there was a big, um...

Dick: Hoo-ha.

Maddox: I wa-...I was gonna say "hoo-ha"!! (Dick giggles) Yeah! I was gonna say "kerfuffle," then I was gonna say "hoo-ha."

Dick: Ohh. (grinning)

Maddox: And then I thought both those sound stupid. 

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Anyway, man. About a billion people sent me this, uh, article that says they found a...this new study has found that spicy food is associated with a reduced risk for death! People who eat spicy food live longer.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: This is from The New York Times. They said that they studied 485,000 people, and after controlling for family, medical history, age, education, diabetes, smoking, and many other variables, the researchers found that consuming spicy food 6 to 7 times a week reduced the risk of death by 14%! 14%.

Dick: Wait, reduced the risk of death?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Any k-...of, like, illness?

Maddox: Yep. That's what it says.

Dick: Huh! That's interesting.

Maddox: Reduced the risk...yeah!

Dick: Of death.

Maddox: Well, it doesn't say "of death" in here. It just says, "consuming spicy food 6 to 7 times a week reduced the risk by 14%." I... (stammers) They're talking about...death.

Dick: Yeah, alright.

Maddox: Of all causes, yeah.

Dick: I got some fan art.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Uh, Lukas sent this in. It's "A-Too-Small-Of-A-Face-For-My-Head" Man.

Maddox: Oh, I s-... (laughs)

Dick: It's a Mega Man villain.

Maddox: I saw that.

Dick: Like that, Sean?

Maddox: He's got a little frowny face!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I mean, that a frown? I can...

Dick: Probably pissed off that...

Maddox: ...barely tell. (smiles)

Dick: ...all these assholes are picking on him for something that isn't true.

Maddox: Hey, speaking of video games, Dick.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Uhh, we played a game recently, didn't we?

Dick: We settled the debate. We settled the Smash Brothers debate.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In the ultimate smashdown.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We talked about it last week, where Maddox and I were gonna go, um, play Smash Brothers to determine once and for all whether or not it's a fighting game. And we did! 

Maddox: Right.

Dick: We both...we both learned something at this event, did we not?

Maddox: We did. We played the game...we played the game at UCB Theatre.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it was part of a show, and Dick and I played only one round. 

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: It was a short round.

Dick: To lukewarm applause. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs) It was was a real weird audience.

Dick: No one knew what the fuck we were doing. 

Maddox: No. In fact, to a point, at... (chuckles) Onstage, even I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: It was...

Dick: I brought it. Do you want me to play the video of it?

Maddox: Let's hear it!

Dick: You wanna narrate it as we go?

Maddox: Well, not the whole...not the entire thing, but let's hear a little bit of it, yeah. Yeah.

Dick: I got a little bit of it here. I'm gonna play it now. We're gonna try to walk through it, even though, uh...listening to a fighting game is not a lot of fun. [starts Smash Brothers video] 

(audience talking and laughing)

Dick: Sean, here, you can see it. I am Mega Man, and Maddox, 'cause he's a cheap fuck, went with Ryu. 

Maddox: The only fighter in that game! The only real fighter in that game. 

Maddox: This is like my specialty, is beating up little kids. Here we go.

Dick: Right now we're both, uh, learning where "jump" is on the controller, as you can see.

Maddox: And also, I'm learning that in Smash Brothers, you don't always face your opponent.

Audience member: Did he just curse?? In the game?

Dick: Oh, is that why you were running backwards for most of the fight?

Maddox: Yeah! I was...I was trying to do some crossovers and jump moves and zoning, and none of that exists.

Dick: You got too complicated. 

Maddox: Yeah.

(audience and Dick cheer)

Dick: There's Maddox jumping off the side of a level.

Maddox: This game's garbage!

Maddox: Yeah, I was trying to ki-... (cracks up) I was tryin' to kill myself.

Dick: Oh man, I'm really startin' to think you're right. It's really a button masher.

Maddox: It really is! It's just a button masher. What are you supposed to do here?

Audience member: Get that!

Dick: How do you "get that"?

Audience member: Catch it, and then you do your Final Smash. 

Dick: We're jumping around, trying to catch some kind of a magic ball.

Maddox: There was a super power...there was a, uh, a power-up that was floating around in the episode we were both tryin' to get, like idiots.

Dick: Oh, here's the best part. See this?

Maddox: That's not...that's not...

Dick: This is when Mega Man summons all his pals.

Dick: That's all my guys, man!

(audience starts cheering louder)

Dick: That's my posse!!

Dick: I don't know how I did that.

Dick: My posse of Mega Men!

Dick: Then it shoots Maddox off the level.

Maddox: Okay, that doesn't count! You don't know what button you did!! You don't even know how to play it.

Dick: Yeah, I... (inaudible) No, I figured it out.

Maddox: What'd you press, 'A'?

Dick: That was all a trick, man. I'm just playing dumb. I'm really a pro at this.

Maddox: No, you're not. You're garbage.

Maddox: Yeah. GARBAGE. Garbage...garbage competition!

Dick: Oh, I got it now!

Maddox: Oh, watch out, here comes the...


Maddox: There we go.

Dick: Alright, here's the last 5 seconds. 3, 2...1. 

(Dick cheers, then brief silence)

Dick: Time.

Dick: That's me, right?

Maddox: So that quiet is because we don't know who won.

Dick: Yeah.

Dick: Ahhhh. 

(audience starts clapping and cheering)

Dick: Then we see that it was Mega Man. 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Wasn't it?

Maddox: Yeah.

(more clapping and cheering)

Dick: [stops video] There's me graciously coming over to shake your hand...

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: the loser.

Maddox: Nyeah. Yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: As the champion of video games. (smiles)

Maddox: Uh-huh. So -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, what do you call it when you beat a pro? Are you a legend at that point?

Maddox: You call it a buggy game. (Dick laughs) They need to send that game back into QA testing, buddy. So what's the epiphany we both had during that, Dick?

Dick: Uh, well, know, that game to me seems like a fun, silly game that they tried to turn into

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like golf. You know?

Maddox: Right, right.

Dick: Like, it's's...I don't think it's a fighting game.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It seems like a frantic button masher to me.

Maddox: There you go! Bravo. ('ding!' sound effect) 

Dick: BUT, what did YOU learn?

Maddox: I learned -- and this is the honest truth -- I had a lot of fun playing it. 

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: I gotta be honest, I really had a good time, and after...we only played one round, and I wanted to keep playing, 'cause it's a fun game! 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It really is; it's just not a fighting game. I will not back down from that. However, it is a fun game, and if you guys have fun playing it, good. Fuck off, and don't bring it up on the show again. Especially -

Dick: (interjects) We're never talking about it again.

Maddox: (yells) Yeah! Especially all you idiots who keep complaining that you're tired of hearing about it. (Dick cackles) Then stop sending in fuckin' voicemail, and stop commenting! You know, these people who are so tired of hearing about it, they sure let me know in about 30 different messages. 30 DISTINCT messages, all upvoted, by the way. Got the message, guys! Stop talkin' about it, and WE'LL stop talkin' about it. IDIOTS.

Dick: Alright. Um, do you wanna go...?

Maddox: We -

Dick: (interjects) Oh!! Oh yeah, we've got one more thing.

Maddox: We got one more thing here. We got a package from our transcriber, our beautiful and lovely and talented transcriber Laurie Foster. She sent us a care package. Now, if you remember back in December, Laurie and Megan, both our transcribers, sent us a care package. In it was a big...a big, uh, latex tit.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Felt like a bag of sand.

Dick: Stress ball.

Maddox: Yeah, a stress ball.

Dick: Some Toms shoes...

Maddox: Toms shoes, right.

Dick: What else did we get?

Sean: Butterfingers.

Maddox: Mhm!

Dick: Butterfingers for Sean, that's right. 

Maddox: Yeah, ver-

Dick: (interjects) Why did they send you Butterfingers?

Sean: Why do you think? (Maddox and Dick giggle)

Maddox: (audience laughter & applause sound effect)

Sean: That hasn't been brought up in like 10 episodes.

Dick: Well... (smiles)

Maddox: Alright, so we got a box here. It looks like the size of a bread box.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's...everyone knows exactly what size that is.

Dick: What is it? Why'd she send it?

Maddox: What...what's that?

Dick: Why'd she send it? What is it?

Maddox: So she sent us this, uh, this care package. Her and her husband are launching...they have this comic book that they've been working on called "Super!" It's really well done. It's a graphic novel. Laurie inks some of the pages, I think...maybe all the pages. But yeah, this, uh, this comic book is really well done. They got a lot of press for it. They launched a Patreon. We said we'd give 'em a little plug. Guys, check it out. Check out Laurie's comic book. It's called "Super!"

Dick: Why don't we have cool shit like this? 

Maddox: Yeah, it' is really cool!

Dick: There's a bunch of, like, trading cards and little guys, like little figures.

Maddox: She sent us these little action figures called "Blitz"... (stammers) I think that's the character name. It's called "Blitz." Which, by the way, I looked into making action figures a while back. It's really expensive.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: That stuff is really expensive and hard to make. Um, anyway, yeah! She launched...what are the cards she has here? Dick's opening up an envelope that has a bunch of cards in it. We've got the graphic novel for "Super!"

Dick: Oh, that's cool. Well, I don't know anything about it.

Maddox: And one of the char-...the main character, uh, is modeled after Laurie. Which, uh, Laurie does a lot of -

Dick: (interjects) Ohhh. (sexy voice) (Maddox cracks up) Reallyyyy?

Maddox: A lot of modeling. Yeah, she does a lot of modeling.

Dick: Yeah, she DOES do a lot of modeling.

Maddox: Real easy on the eyes.

Dick: Alriiiiight.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Let's see...okay, cool. There's, like, some kind of Nazi war machine? That's cool. 

Maddox: Oh my gosh. That's my favorite thing! 

Dick: Yeah. (chuckling)

Maddox: Nazi war machines! (giggles)

Dick: Alright.

Sean: That and Jew jokes.

Dick: Oh, wait a minute! There's... (Maddox laughs) ...some kinda Soviet guy in here. He's got a CCCP thing on his helmet. There you go. There's your guy. 

Maddox: Oh, that's so badass. I bet Cecil's brother would like that.

Dick: (chuckles) Yeah, probably.

Maddox: The anti-Semite...anti-Semitic lion.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Anyway! That's, uh, Patre-

Dick: (interjects) Check it out. 

Maddox: We'll link to it. Thank you, Laurie! Awesome, awesome comic.

Dick: Sean, you got somethin'...oh, you got some trading cards too. There you go.

Maddox: Oh yeah! Yeah, what are the, uh...? We still have these trading cards here.

Sean: Oh, cool!

Maddox: Yeah. So wait, what are the, uh, the trading cards? She sent us little trading cards.

Dick: Well, they're characters from the...from the cartoon.

Maddox: Oh my gosh, this looks incredible!

Dick: Blood-Death, a...some...a, uh, American guy with a big gun? A guy who's head-to-toe an America flag, like Green Man? (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: You mean, in other words, an American? 

Dick: An American? (Maddox laughs) That's what the rest of the world sees us as, right? A l-...basically like a superhero?

Maddox: He has "near-impenetrable..." Yeah. He has "near-impenetrable body armor, martial arts mastery, high tolerance for pain, justice, and bullets." 

Dick: Sounds like you. (Maddox giggles)

Sean: Then there's...there's Fire-Ant. 

Dick: Uh-oh!

Sean: Maddox's nemesis.

Maddox: I do hate ants. Step on them. 

Dick: Alright. Go ahead.

Maddox: Alright, let's get to the problems. Dick, my first problem this week...and the biggest problem in the universe, no hyperbola: death.

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: Yeheheah. (applause sound effect)

Dick: "Hyperbole."

Maddox: Hyperbole?

Dick: Yeah. "-a" is the math one. 

Maddox: No hyperbole. Not -

Dick: (interjects) Death! Fuck!

Maddox: Yeah, DEATH! Death is the biggest problem in the universe. 

Dick: It's a big problem. (smiles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Listen to these stats. (everyone cracks up)

Dick: "100% of people die."

Maddox: Yeah! (Dick giggles) 100% of people who live will experience death at some point in their lives!

Dick: Aw, shit.

Maddox: 100 PERCENT. 

Dick: Oh man. (chuckling)

Maddox: Death is caused by pneumonia... (everyone giggles)

Dick: Falling off buildings?

Maddox: ...woodchippers...falling off is #3 on my list.

Dick: Oh. (laughing)

Maddox: Woodchippers, falling off motorcycles at high speeds...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...dehydration...

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: ...starvation -- that's hunger...

Dick: Uh-huh!

Maddox: ...suicide...

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: ...homicide, malnutrition... (brief silence) ...pregnancy -

Dick: (interjects) Is that it? (laughs)

Maddox: No. Nope! (giggles) Pregnancy, roller coasters...

Dick: Roller coasters. (laughing)

Maddox: ...sharks, horses...

Dick: Augh! (Sean chuckles in the background)

Maddox: ...militarized police...

Dick: Oho yeah, definitely. 

Maddox: ...obesity...

Dick: And regular police.

Maddox: And regular police. Yeah, that's true.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Aging...

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: ...being born...

Sean: Mm. (in background)

Maddox: ...sleeping, drinking too much water...

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: ...cannibalism, decapi-

Dick: (interjects) Cannibalism *causes* death??

Maddox: Cannibalism causes death!

Dick: How?

Maddox: 'Cause you get eaten.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, but...okay. I mean, not necessarily.

Maddox: I see what you're saying.

Dick: You could've died of natural causes and then somebody eats you.

Maddox: That's true. That's a good technicality. Thank you, Dick. (sarcastic) (Dick guffaws) Thank you. I will correct this. That... (laughs)

Dick: I mean... (laughing) I'm not tryin' to be a contrarian, but...

Maddox: No, that's correct.

Dick: That's not accurate. 

Maddox: That's true. I thought about that too for a split second, because if you were, say, boiled alive too, the boiling is actually the cause of death.

Dick: The boiling kills you.

Maddox: So you know what -

Dick: (interjects) The cannibalism doesn't.

Maddox: Okay! Thank you for the correction. I will change "cannibalism" to "boiling." 

Dick: Okay! (giggling)

Maddox: Boiling...boiling causes death. Decapitation, blood loss...

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: ...diarrhea, eating bad food, eating poison, DRINKING poison, Ebola, riots, getting stabbed in the heart with a stake... (Dick chuckles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...microbes, bacteria, and mercury poisoning. Those are -

Dick: (interjects) And mercury poisoning. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Those are all the reasons. All those... (cracks up)

Dick: Those are the causes of death.

Maddox: Those are all the causes of death, yeah. (laughing)

Dick: Oh, MAN.

Maddox: It's so bad that even thinking about death can make people sad, depressed and scared. It gives people anxiety, and it's the #1 reason people are afraid of going skydiving. Did you know that? 

Dick: Death is the r-...? Well...

Maddox: Well, what else?

Dick: Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Maddox: Afraid of heights, 'cause they're afraid of dying! That's's all death. Everything's a...everyone's afraid of everything 'cause of death. 

Dick: Uh, yeah, you...and you''re dead on about causing anxiety. (chuckles) (Maddox giggles to himself) Well, like, it's's like one of's the only thing where you sit...if you sit there and think, "Everyone I love will...there's a...they will die." 

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, it will REALLY fuckin' depress you, man.

Maddox: You'll have a bad day, guaranteed.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Did you know that even -

Dick: (interjects) More so than piss driblets.

Maddox: More so than piss driblets. That's an objective fact. Did you know that even birds die? (Sean chuckles) In fact, all living things die, Sean. 

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: Did you know that? All living things die. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um... (cracks up)

Sean: I read that somewhere. (Maddox laughs) 

Maddox: Did you read it on Wikipedia? 'Cause I'm about to quote it.

Sean: Mhm! (Maddox giggles) 

Maddox: There's a huge, uh, Wikipedia page for death.

Sean: Wait, isn't there something that has, like...there's, like, life in perpetuity or something? It, like -

Dick: (interjects) Heaven.

Maddox: Yyyyeah.

Sean: No! It's like hydras, or... (stammers)

Dick: Wait a minute. What? The mythical beast?

Sean: No. Like, deep in the ocean...

Dick: Well, there's, like, tree species that don't die.

Sean: ...there's things that can theoretically...that can theoretically live forever. 

Dick: Yeah. (stammers) Isn't that right? Like, that alpine or-...that one organism that is all the trees?

Sean: Well, that's an aspen grove. 

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: It's the largest single organism.

Dick: Or don't they live forever? Basically? Do they die?

Maddox: But you can kill it.

Sean: I don't know about that.

Dick: Oh, you can kill it?

Maddox: A bomb will kill it.

Dick: Okay. (amused)

Maddox: For sure.

Sean: I don't know. I gotta look it up on Wiki.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they can live forever, huh?

Maddox: I mean, n-...

Sean: Theoretically.

Dick: Like a -

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.

Dick: No, not, nothing, 'cause then there's proton decay.

Maddox: Yeah, and also -

Dick: (interjects) Eventually, everything dies.

Sean: Alright.

Maddox: Also Sean, if the earth is being destroyed, like when the sun engulfs it, how's it gonna move? It can't. It's a fuckin' tree.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's not an Ent. 

Dick: Even if you escape the earth, Maddox, still gonna die!

Maddox: Eh, that's true. Everything dies. So here's the thing. according to Wikipedia, they said, "Physiological death is now seen as a process, more than an event; conditions once considered indicative of death are now reversible. Where in the process a dividing line is drawn between life and death depends on factors beyond the presence or absence of vital signs. In general, clinical death is neither necessary nor sufficient for a determination of legal death. A patient with working heart and lungs determined to be brain dead can be pronounced legally dead without clinical death occurring."

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: So now we're gettin' into some really interesting areas.

Dick: Terri Schiavo stuff?

Maddox: Yeah, not just Terri Schiavo stuff, but I was reading about this, and the more I read about it the more fascinating it is, because...the more I read about death, the less I knew what it was. Like, death is kind of this amorphous thing. Nobody really can define the exact moment someone is dead. 

Dick: It's when the thing goes, "Beeeeeeeeeeeep!" (high-pitched)

Maddox: Yeah! (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: There. You're dead. (laughs)

Maddox: Well, not necessarily though, because nobody can even decide on the exact definition. If you define it as a lack of consciousness, then technically any time we temporarily lose consciousness, like when we undergo anesthetics or are blackout drunk...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...we can be called "dead." 

Dick: Oo.

Maddox: Also, organisms like bacteria are alive but not conscious. So people can't even agree what the definition of consciousness means.

Dick: And you can, like, freeze spores. Like, there's some type...there's some type of, um, microscopic organism. I don't even know if it's an organism, but it will, doesn't die. It enters, like, a state of...I don't know, stasis?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, it can go in space and spawn somewhere else, where living conditions are better.

Maddox: Yeah. What are those called? They're, like, buggy bears or something? Huggy bears? Like...

Dick: Ohh, yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Those little guys?

Dick: The ones that look cute.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then there's another type of bacteria...I just heard about this on Radiolab, I believe. They's called, uh, B...Trachiosis, or something? Some kind of bacteria. I forget what it's called. But it's a large bacteria that is,'s kind of like a hybrid between a bacteria and a virus. But they found some from 30,000 years ago, and they thawed out on some tundra that came back to life, so...

Dick: Boom.

Maddox: Which...I guess if it's alive, if you can define it as that. But so, I looked up the definition of consciousness. The first definition says "an alert cognitive state in which you are aware of yourself and your situation," and then the second definition is "having knowledge." So I got a question for you, Dick.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Does a baby with a learning disorder who's severely mentally disabled have consciousness, since it can't even have knowledge? If you're using that definition of consciousness.

Dick: Like a...a retarded person? Do they have...

Maddox: Yeah, ba-...basically.

Dick: ...consciousness?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I would...yeah, they...'cause they, like, know themselves. 

Maddox: Well, I'm not...

Dick: They know that THEY are a thing. Right?

Maddox: I'm not talking about...not necessarily, because when they show certain animals themselves in mirrors, if they look at themselves in mirrors, they sometimes don't recognize that they're looking at themselves.

Dick: Oh. Um, I don't...I don't know.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What does the research say?

Maddox: Um, well, that''s not really a research thing. It's a philosophical thing. Nobody really...there's no consensus on this. What about people in semi-vegetative states who don't exhibit any signs of memory or knowledge? 

Dick: Uhh...are they dead?

Maddox: Well, that's the question.

Dick: I don't fuckin' know.

Maddox: Are they dead?

Dick: Have you ever, like, read...have you ever read accounts of people who have been in a coma saying that they were aware?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Of the whole thing? Oh man, that's terrifying.

Maddox: It sounds horrible. It sounds horrible. There was that guy who was in a coma for 27 years and he was conscious.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And he said every single day, he just imagined a life that was better than his.

Dick: Well...I mean, what's different about not being in a coma then? (Maddox laughs) Doesn't...? (chuckles) Don't we all do that all day anyway?

Maddox: Hey, we might all be in comas right now, listening to this podcast!

Dick: You gotta stick it out though, right? If you're in that situation?

Maddox: Hey, you're a lucky coma patient if you're listening to this podcast. (Dick laughs) I'll tell you that much.

Dick: Would you stick it out? Or would you wanna be shut off? You're in a, 'cause you can't communicate. Can't communicate anything. You gotta make up your mind now.

Maddox: Yeah. Hmm. It's hard to say, man. That sta-...I don't know if it's mental -

Dick: (interjects) You gotta, though! You gotta say. You gotta pick one way or the other, DNR or not.

Maddox: H'ohh, boy. (sighs) Well, if I'm in a coma and I'm conscious, then I think I might...I'm leaning toward stickin' around. Because I think that -

Dick: (interjects) But you don't know!

Maddox: Well, you're -

Dick: (interjects) Nobody knows...knew that THAT guy was aware.

Maddox: Yeah, they have...

Dick: Of his coma.

Maddox: They have new tests to determine those type of things. 

Dick: Okay. Hmm.

Maddox: I don't know, man! I don't know. So they...death used to be defined as the lack of a heartbeat, but defibrillation, CPR and even adrenaline can resuscitate a patient. So you know, Dick, what you were sayin' just now, uh...when the heart monitor goes "Eeeeeeeeeep!"? 

Dick: Yeah. 

Maddox: That's not necessarily death, because you can be resuscitated. That can be a temporary state. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Life can be supported even without a heart or lungs, using machines. 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The modern definitions of death include brain death -

Dick: (interjects) In your version, you would PREFER it that way.

Maddox: What?

Dick: In your perfect life, you'd prefer all of your systems be kept alive by machines. Right?

Maddox: Well, of course! Why wouldn't you?? Yeah!

Dick: Yeah, of course! No, I know.

Maddox: We understand machines. We can make machines. Hearts are more difficult to make.

Dick: Yeah. Can't make a wi-fi router that works reliably, but, uh... (both laugh) Everything else, gonna nail it.

Maddox: Hey, what happens when your wi-fi router goes dead? 

Dick: Unplug it. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: And then you buy a new one!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You buy a better one. A newer model. You get upgrades! I can't wait to be a cyborg. It's gonna be great. Modern definitions of death -

Dick: (interjects) You will be the jankiest cyborg. (grinning)

Maddox: Me?!

Dick: Like, you...yeah. Will you be an early adopter of that technology?

Maddox: (laughs) No way.

Dick: I don't think you could resist.

Maddox: No way.

Dick: I hope that, like, when GE rolls out with their...or Nissan. Who's makin' that stupid little...human? Is it Honda?

Maddox: Honda, yeah.

Dick: That makes the little robot?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When they roll out with the first one you can plug in, man, you'll'll last all of 23 minutes, and then you'll... (Maddox laughs) Yeah. "Yeah yeah yeah, sign me up. Sign me up. Take my brain. Take it."

Maddox: Yeah, fuck it, man! 'Cause -

Dick: (interjects) "I'm a celebrity! I'm a big-time author, I'm a bestseller!" (Maddox laughs) "We gotta preserve my brain."

Maddox: Yeah!! Yeah, why not? 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We got a buncha DILDOS who are just reproducing. (Dick laughs) From, uh, "Idiocracy." 

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And dildos, I mean idiotic people.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Um, so now...they're saying that modern definitions of death mean brain-dead, which includes people without brain activity, but the period of time without brain activity isn't agreed upon. So fans of "Guardians of the Galaxy" were spared a mass grave, I think.

Dick: Oho, boy. (Sean groans in the background)

Maddox: Brain-dead idiots.

Dick: Oh, my GOD.

Maddox: Buncha...buncha DUMMIES. (Dick laughs) Morons. Anyway man, I just got a few more things here. "The acceptance of brain death as death of the human being legitimated the practice of procuring viable vital organs from patients with devastating neurological injuries who were still breathing and perfusing their organs..." I don't even know what that means. "...with the aid of mechanical ventrilators." Ventilators, excuse me. "By the late 1990s, however, the equation of brain death with death of the human being was increasingly challenged by scholars based on evidence regarding the array of biological functioning displayed by patients correctly diagnosed as having this condition, who were maintained on mechanical ventilation systems for substantial periods of time." So, even by the whole brain criteria, Dick. The determination of brain death can be complicated. So, uh, this is again from Wikipedia. They said, “EEGs can detect spurious electrical impulses while certain drugs, hypoglycemia, hypoxia, and hypothermia, can suppress or even stop brain activity on a temporary basis. So how do you define death?

Dick: Maddox, you’re making this problem way smaller than it is.

Maddox: You think so?

Dick: Yes! You’re talking about the minutia of determining when death occurs.

Maddox: That’s a pretty significant thing, don’t you think?!

Dick: NO!! You’re dead!!

Maddox: Yeah. Okay.

Dick: Whether you bounce across the line of what makes death, eventually you’re gonna fucking die, and that’s horrible! And there’s NOTHING you can do to stop it!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Nothing!

Maddox: So…

Dick: Nothing!!

Maddox: No, there are some theories out there…there’s a guy, there’s a couple of scientists, it’s actually a growing movement in the scientific community…but the doctors…

Dick: (interjects) Well, Google started the…are you gonna talk about Google’s company, they secretly started, like, a life company?    

Maddox: No, I…

Dick: (interjects) And anti-death company was called Calico, or something like that?

Maddox: I want to hear…

Dick: It only exists to prolong life.

Maddox: Yeah, I wanna hear more about this because I think I heard a little bit about this through you…so what is this?

Dick: Oh, I have no idea. It’s like a secret project that these billionaires started to, like, invent life-prolonging technology. It’s AWESOME! I wish I knew more about it, but I…I don’t. I don’t have the research.

Maddox: Well, they say people think that there’s no theoretical limit on how long we can live. I mean, we’ve already doubled our lifespan.

Dick: Yeah

Maddox: Our life expectancy. Uhh…some people are getting to the point where we’re able to triple it. There are people living to 110 years old.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 105 years old. And it’s pretty common. Um, and…

Dick: (interjects) But…

Maddox: …they’re living more functional lives.

Dick: Even then…even if you live a thousand years. Let’s say we get the lifespan up into the thousands, right?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Like in the Bible.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like it used to be before we did all these affronts against God. Like GAY MARRIAGE!! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: When everybody was eating organic all the time!

Dick: And not having slaves.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like it expressly says in the Bible we’re supposed to have!! (Maddox laughs) Um…I’m kidding, obviously. Uh, even when we live that long, we’re still getting hit in the head by a foul ball at a baseball game.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaah.

Dick: You know? You’re STILL gonna get killed! A piano is still gonna fall on you that they can’t bring you back from!!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: They’re never gonna invent a cure for 17 stab wounds. (Maddox laughs) You know!?(grins)

Maddox: Mr. Burns. (chuckles)

Dick: Yeah, right, right, right!

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (grins)

Dick: That’s always gonna be there.

Maddox: Wasn’t it that episode they said “Hey, we’re still trying to invent a cure for 17 stab wounds.” And then someone chimed in, they said, “We’re at 15!”

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And everyone’s like “YAY!!” (laughs)

Dick: Yes. Yeah. One of the Calico things…one of the research…um…one of the things that I read about recently is they were taking blood from young mice…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And replacing the blood of older mice with that young blood.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And it extended their lives.

Maddox: Right, right.

Dick: Like, inexplicably. ‘Cause that’s so convoluted. It seems like something that the Soviets would’ve done in, like, 1950, right?

Maddox: Well…well…

Dick: (interjects) That kind of macabre experimentation.

Maddox: So, that’s interesting. They used to actually do that in the medieval ages. They used to try to…especially the royalty and elite? They used to take blood from younger people and try to infuse it with themselves…which…they didn’t know what the FUCK they were doing. They were drinking it…and just pouring it on themselves like idiots.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And getting all sorts of heinous diseases. But now the research they’re…they came back to that idea with experimenting with young mice, and they found that yes, indeed, actually. The blood from young mice does help older mice heal faster…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And it helps their cognitive ability. It actually kind of regresses their aging!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which is really fascinating, because that suggests that there is no theoretical limit to how long we can live. And there’s this guy, this scientist. I forget his name, but he thinks that we only have to cure six things to be able to live infinitely.

Dick: Really?!

Maddox: Yeah!                                                                                                            

Dick: What are those six things?

Maddox: Six things. We have to…

Sean: (interjects) Pee driblets…

Dick: Slacktivism…probably? That’s a big one we gotta cure. (giggles)

Maddox: You guys done? Are you DONE?!

(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)

Maddox: No.

Sean: Jew jokes? (Maddox guffaws)

Dick: Yeah, probably.

Maddox: We need more.

Dick: They’ll…(laughing) (Maddox laughs) They’ll hoard it over…Israel will invent living forever and they’ll hoard it over everybody!!! You got…if we hear ONE Jew joke on the Internet today…(Maddox laughs) you guys aren’t getting our Lazarus serum!! (Maddox laughs) So the whole Internet will be shut down except for one guy on 4Chan!!

Maddox: Oh, mannnnn. No, dickheads! It’s actually…cancer. They have to cure cancer. (Dick giggles) They have to cure…

Dick: (interjects) I thought of the Jew joke you’ll make too, by the way.

Maddox: What? What is it? (Dick laughs)

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. (laughing)

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: I’m not gonna say it.

Maddox: It’s a big problem, Jew Jokes.

Dick: Too funny.

Maddox: It’s coming in in one of the episodes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, uh…curing cancer. Curing heart disease. And then the other ones are kind of trivial.

Dick: Cancer, that’s a big one.

Maddox: Yeah. The cancer’s a big one, but we’re making headway. We’re able to cure some forms of cancer.

Dick: I like the race against death because it, like, pits…small scale technology against, like, biological technology.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To me. In my mind, I see it as, like, alright, this a race between nanobots and all you medical nerds!

Maddox: Yeaaaaah! (laughing)

Dick: Like, who’s gonna do it!?! One of you’s winning! (Maddox laughs) One of you is gonna be loved for MILLENIA.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Well, that’s a really cool way of looking at it, ‘cause it could come from the IT world, you’re saying, right?

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: ‘Cause…

Dick: Well, nanobots can cure cancer!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They could.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If they worked!

Maddox: If they were small enough…

Dick: (interjects) And they didn’t turn anyone into grey goo…

Maddox: You know, I think the other…the solution here is, Dick…really, if we find an energy source that’s compact enough so that we could power some of these nanobots to go into our bodies and target cancer cells…

Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Maddox: I’m, like, that’s it! That’s a game-changer!

Dick: Well, some of them work on Wi-fi.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they get energy out of radiation in the air.

Maddox: Yeah. Near-field communication. They communicate with each other and pass on complex instructions that these nanobots can then execute.

Dick: Like ants.

Maddox: Like…ugh, f…(laughs)

Sean: So that…that’s…(Maddox laughs) That thing I was talking about is called biological immortality.

Dick: Wait, what? And it exists?

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: So just immortality?

Dick: Do you have any examples of it?

Sean: Hydra. Like I said.

Dick: What the hell is a hydra?

Maddox: What is it?

Sean: It’s a freshwater little simple organism.

Maddox: Alright, that…(stammers) anyway, we’re running out of time. That’s all I got. That’s my…that’s my problem. DEATH. Death!

Dick: It’s a big problem.

Maddox: The BIGGEST problem in the universe.

Dick: That’s gotta be the biggest. (grins)

Maddox: Yeaaah!

Dick: That’s bigger than female genital mutilation.

Maddox: I…it is! It absolutely is, ‘cause this affects everybody. AND animals.

Dick: Yeah. There no GOOD…there’s no…well…is there good that comes from death?

Maddox: Yes. Yes.

Dick: I mean…you don’t have an ecosystem without death, right?

Maddox: So I was th…

Dick: (interjects) But that’s on God, not us!

Maddox: Well…(laughs) blame God.

Dick: Like, why would you design that?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Well, no, there is…I was thinking about this. I was thinking…is there anything worse than death? And some people would contend yes, that there is.

Dick: Taxes.

Maddox: Taxes, huh.

Dick: Income tax.

Maddox: I almost brought in Taxes as my second problem, but no. Um…there are some things that some people consider worse than death, and that’s chronic pain, because some people look for…

Dick: (interjects) Ugh, yeah, that’s TRUUUE!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That’s true! Death is a solution for…

Maddox: Yeeeeeeep.

Dick: Chronic pain and cancer!!

Maddox: And they look for euthanasia. For SOME people!! For some people, some people think that it’s worth living in spite of chronic pain. And then death is also…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, man. That’s some serious pain, though.

Maddox: I also used to think that death was the worst thing even including rape, but some people…there was this old tribe of, uh, women, I think in the 1800s or 1700s, they were…they heard that their army was slaughtered and that the enemy army was coming towards them, was marching towards their city, so all the women and daughters, they took themselves and they just threw themselves off the cliff because they didn’t want to get raped. So…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Some people consider rape worse than death. Some people consider chronic pain worse than death. But I think that’s a minority. I think the majority of people want to live.

Dick: (snorts) I guess we’ll find out when someone brings in rape. Right? (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hey, this episode is brought to you by CASPER. (Maddox giggles) Today’s episode is brought to you by Casper. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Hey!

Dick: Get $50 toward any mattress purchase…(Maddox giggles) by visiting and using promo code BIGGEST. How’s your Casper mattress working out for you?

Maddox: Oh, it’s great, man. Every time I go to sleep on it, it’s like coma sleep. Like, for real, I feel like…I feel like I put my head down…and I get up, and it’s like a time machine.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: I don’t stir…

Dick: Would you sleep like you’re dead…would you say?

Maddox: I sleep like I’m dead.

Dick: Sleep of death.

Maddox: It’s…it’s deathful sleep. It’s restful sleep like you’re dead, in a grave.

Dick: Awesome. (Maddox giggles) Mattresses can often cost well over $1500, but Casper mattresses cost between $500 for a twin size and $750 for full size, $850 for queen size, $950 for a king size mattress. Under a grand. That’s a deal. Casper understands that buying a mattress online can have customers wondering how this is possible, but it’s completely risk free. They offer free delivery and returns within a 100-day period. It’s that simple. You ever…you got to work on your bed, yet? You know what I’m talking about?

Maddox: (giggles) Yeah.

Dick: You gotten to work?

Maddox: I’ve gotten some work, yeah.

Dick: Gotten down to business? (grins)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: On that bed?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How was that experience?

Maddox: Made some batter. It’s…(belches) It’s..uh…(laughs)

Dick: (interjects) Made some batter…belch.

Maddox: It’s…(guffaws) it’s great, Dick. It’s great. I can’t recommend it high enough. I’ll just say this much, right?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Have you seen those old commercials where they drop a bowling ball and there’s a glass of wine and it doesn’t…

Dick: (interjects) Sure!! I grew up in the eighties, I know that.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh. It’s perfect for that moment, because you set down the glass of wine, you get right to business!! (Dick guffaws) You don’t have to worry about it spilling over!! (Dick cracks up) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: That’s how smooth you are?!

Maddox: Oh, yeaaaaah!! Like a piston, baby!!! Gggggggggggggg.

Dick: Banging that girl, the whole time you got your glass of wine…(Maddox laughs)…sitting there…rippling like in Jurassic Park!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When the tyrannosaurus is coming!

Maddox: Yeah, I’m like, uh…what’s his name? Bateman from…Patrick Bateman from American Psycho.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: When I just…I stop midway and I point to the class. I look at the girl, I do that little two-finger thing?

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: With the eyes, and say, “Look at the glass.”

Dick: And then you should say, “Go to and enter promo code BIGGEST…”

Maddox: Biggest…for $50 off your mattress. (they giggle)

Dick: 50 bucks off!! Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. It’s a great mattress. What…

Dick: My problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is Hoverboard Hoaxes.

Maddox: Ha haha!!! Good!!

(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Yes. Good! I know what you’re talking about, and I want to hear this.

Dick: You know what I’m talking about.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause Lexus just released this campaign.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: About how they’ve invented a hoverboard.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (annoyed)

Dick: It’s not a fucking hoverboard.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It’s not a hoverboard. It’s not a hoverboard!

Maddox: No.

Dick: I don’t care that it floats.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And that you call it a hoverboard. It’s not a hoverboard.

Maddox: It’s not.

Dick: It’s a superconducting magnetic platform.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That rides around on a WEIRD rail!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And has skateboarding celebrities embarrass themselves on it, ‘cause it’s not a fucking hoverboard.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It has none of the fun of a hoverboard.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It has none of the…magical technology of a hoverboard.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: It’s not a fucking hoverboard.

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: You can put tits on it and call it a supermodel. That doesn’t make it a supermodel.

Maddox: That’s a fucking fact.

Dick: Yeah. Well, you know…this bothers you too. Because I think…I think the worst…the worst, most wicked type of falsehood is the perpetration of a hoverboard hoax!

Maddox: Hmmm.

Dick: ‘Cause we want it SO bad. There is nothing…there is nothing that we want more than a real hoverboard.

Maddox: Ooh. (unsure)

Dick: So bad that we’re willing to believe the STUPIDEST fabrications of our lives. Do you remember when Back to the Future II came out?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What…do you remember the myth regarding…

Maddox: (interjects) The hover…we wanted the hoverboard.

Dick: …the hoverboard. That it was real.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That people said it was REAL, and for…because Sean and I were talking about this in the car on the way over. That we both heard this same LIE independently, that a group of angry mothers is what was preventing the real, actual, hoverboard from being released.

Maddox: Ohhh, oh, yeah I remember that!!

Dick: Did you hear that?!

Maddox: Yeah, I remember that!

Dick: Yeah! Yeah.

Maddox: Growing up. And I was pissed off. I think I read sounded like something I would read on the back of a Garbage Pail Kids card. (Dick guffaws) You know, like…(stammers) these mean moms and teachers just get…

Dick: (interjects) All these fucking moms!!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Always fucking up our good times!! (Maddox laughs) When we’re kids! Goddamn it!!

Maddox: Yeah. ‘Cause they don’t want us to fall. Again, death! Death is the reason they don’t want us to have hoverboards!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But…man, I remem…when I saw this video, Dick, this weekend..when Lexus released this…by the way, they didn’t invent it! They just…they came along and they bought the rights to market this thing that somebody had, right? This p…

Dick: (interjects) It’s just a fucking super…it’s just a (stammers)

Maddox: Superconductor!

Dick: Superconductor. It’s just a magnet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That’s why it’s leaking, um, vapor all the time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause it’s full of…what? Jesus Christ. I can’t remember anything.

Maddox: Liquid nitrogen.

Dick: Liquid nitrogen!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they have big tanks of liquid nitrogen right next to it, and the QUOTE UNQUOTE “skate park” that it’s operating on is full of metal rails.

Maddox: Right!

Dick: Some fucking exciting hoverboard you got here!

Maddox: Wow! You can hover anywhere you want on a skate park built for this hoverboard!

Dick: Yeah, just…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, cool. (sarcastic)

Dick: …wear a slippery t-shirt and let your friends spin you around on an air hockey table!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That’s what you’re doing!

Maddox: Yeah. You know what? You know what? Ice skates…you need to use them at an ice skating rink, don’t you? You don’t just say, “Hey man, I invented ice skates!”

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: “Oh, really? Can I use it on the sidewalk?” “No, you have to go to a specific place that built…”

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: “Was specifically for this thing that you put on your feet! You can’t use it anywhere else.”

Dick: Yeah! I built…I invented a jet pack! WHAT?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: “How does that work?” “Oh, it’s really cool. You go to the bottom of this cliff, and then I drop this rope down…(Maddox laughs) …and you climb up it.” How the fuck is that a jet pack?!

Maddox: Yeah, exactly. (laughing) And then that other jet pack thing. By the way, Dick, the thing I want more than a hoverboard BY FAR is a jet pack. I have so many heists in my mind, planned…(Dick guffaws) the SECOND jet packs come out, I’m gonna fucking steal everything!

Dick: Let’s go through the heists…

Maddox: So…(laughing)

Dick: What are the heists?

Maddox: I…I’m not gonna say this one, ‘cause it legit might happen.

Dick: (laughs) because a masked jet pack man…wait a minute. First of all, what about the actual jet pack that exists?

Maddox: Noooo.

Dick: That guy…

Maddox: The Disneyland one?

Dick: No, no, no. (giggles) What?

Maddox: The one from, like, Tomorrowland and the 60s…they did a promo thing for Disney…

Dick: (interjects) The Rocketeer?

Maddox: Yeah, the Rocket…

Dick: (interjects) Or do you mean an actual jet pack?

Maddox: No, they had a jet pack, yeah. At Disneyland.

Dick: I didn’t know that.

Maddox: Yeah. Tomorrowland. It’s like, the black and white footage of a guy using a jet pack and everyone’s…

Dick: Using a jet pack for real?

Maddox: Yeah, it’s a jet pack.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: My dick’s been wet ever since I saw that thing.

Dick: Not hard, but wet?!

Maddox: Hard and wet. (they crack up)

Sean: I was so confused right there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This guy’s dick gets wet.

Maddox: (interjects) Sean, do you want…

Dick: (interjects) It starts sweating, it’s so hard!

Maddox: He’s got that look in his eyes like he wants to see it. Sean, do you want to see it?

Sean: No!!!

Dick: You don’t wanna…no, the jet pack. Not his dick. (Maddox chuckles)

Sean: The jet pack? Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Show me the jet pack.

Dick: Well, yeah. I gotta see this now, too. No, I’m talking about…

Sean: (interjects) That’s not a euphemism. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Yeah, what…

Dick: I’m talking about the real jetpack that, like, is sponsored by Red Bull. The jet man?

Maddox: The water thing that…

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. That’s awesome too. I love…

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: I think that’s a real water jet pack.

Maddox: (sighs) Yeah.

Dick: Like, I really wanna ride one.

Maddox: Sure. I do too, but it’s not a jet pack in the sense that we’re thinking.

Dick: I’m saying the REAL jetpack. Where it’s a guy who has those…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, yeah!

Dick: Yeah. He has those two giant jets on his…

Maddox: (interjects) Fan. Fans. Yeah.

Dick: I don’t…no, they’re jets!

Maddox: For real?

Dick: He’s flying…like, he gets dropped out of a…bro.

Maddox: Bro. (laughing)

Dick: You wanna talk jets or fans, here? Are we talking jets, or fans?

Maddox: Jets.

Dick: We’re talking jets.

Maddox: Jets.

Dick: This guy has two mini jet packs on his back and little wings, and he’s flying around…

Maddox: Eeeeeeeeeh, it’s a plane. If you got wings, it’s a plane. A jet pack is just a pack, and that’s it.

Dick: (sighs loudly) Okay.

Maddox: Like the Tomorrowland. Look it up. It’s…

Dick: (interjects) Like that girl that you jerked off to first.

Maddox: Yes, Mary. Oh, my Gosh, Mary, so hot!

Dick: Yeah.   Huh.

Maddox: So, yeah man.

Dick: Alright, that’s a good point. It is a plane.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It’s a miniature plane.

Maddox: Okay, you wanna hear my heist idea?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: For a jet pack? Okay. I’m kinda sad saying this right now on the air, ‘cause now that I say it, I’m never gonna do it.

Dick: (scoffs) I mean, you can still do it. You have a jet pack. What are they gonna do?

Maddox: No, because they’ll patch the security hole. (Dick laughs) Okay?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Have you ever been to the Tower of London?

Dick: Uh, no.

Maddox: I…I…

Dick: (interjects) But the line was too long. I went and the line was, like, two and a half hours.

Maddox: Ohohoho!!!

Dick: I…Sean! I went with you!!

Maddox: Hah.

Dick: Yeah. And we said, “Fuck this.”

Maddox: Bro!!

Dick: The girl we were…yeah, go ahead.

Maddox: Forget about lines, okay? (Dick guffaws) I…(Maddox laughs) I found the best way. And this is how I found the loophole to steal the Crown Jewels. (Dick laughs) Yeah.

Dick: Stop it!! No, stop it!! (dying of laughter)

Maddox: (laughing) It’s the easiest thing to steal in the world!

Sean: It’s like a Pink Panther villain!! (Dick squeaks from laughing too hard)

Dick: Yeah. (guffaws) (Maddox cracks up) That’s the stupidest thing to steal!!!

Maddox: No!!

Dick: You could never resell it…you could never resell the Crown Jewels!! (cracks up)

Maddox: You could do SOMETHING with it!!!

Dick: You could just wear it around!! That’s why you want it!!

Maddox: Bullshit!!! (they crack up)

Dick: This is the stupidest plan!!!

Maddox: It’s not a stupid pla….well, you haven’t even fucking heard the plan, dickhead! You got no respect!!!

Dick: Go ahead!!

(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)

Dick: What’s the plan? (cracks up)

Maddox: Asshole!!! Don’t you at least wanna hear my plan…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I do!! (crying and laughing)

Maddox: …to steal the Crown Jewels?!

Dick: Yes, I do! I really do!

Maddox: Great! Because, first of all, dickhead…I’ll…you show…you give me some Crown Jewels, and I’ll find a Russian who wants to buy it! I guarantee I’ll find a Russian oligarch by tomorrow lunchtime that wants to buy the Crown Jewels!! Guaran-fucking-teed!!

Dick: Okay. (laughing)

Maddox: I’ll make MILLIONS off those Crown Jewels!! Millions!! (Dick guffaws loudly)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Russian oligarchs love that shit! They love all sorts of, like, kitschy shit.

Dick: Kitschy like the Crown Jewels. (they crack up) Maddox’s Kitsch Emporium.

Maddox: (interjects) You’re talking…

Dick: We got those Cupid dolls…we got a cat poster…and the crown…the most famous jewelry in the history of man. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: There’s a spare grail around here somewhere.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, look, man. If you steal the Mona Lisa, there’s only one customer for it, and those are fucking Russian oligarchs, or maybe some Saudi princes! That’s it! Those are the only people who are buying it!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay? So I’ll find a customer. Not a problem. Or maybe I’ll just fucking wear it, ‘cause I have a whole closet full of crowns at home!! I wear crowns all the time!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You’re talking to a guy who wears crowns.

Dick: Do you have a real crown?

Maddox: I have metal crowns…but they’re not that…they’re not the Crown Jewels. I’ll just say that. They’re not the crown…

Dick: I wish you had a real…like, real, custom-made one, you know?

Maddox: Yeah! Well…that’s why I got my eye on the Crown Jewels, buddy. (Dick guffaws) Kay. So, I went to the Tower of London, right?

Dick: Okay. (grins)

Maddox: Walked right in! Just WALKED right in!! (Dick giggles) LINES?! PFFFFFF!! Whatever! Okay. So I’m in there.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And there’s only…you know, there’s like, some cool torture shit to see.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then there are a bunch of, like, fucking placards to read. And you’re walking around, bored to tears. And then you’re looking for some food, and all the food sucks there. So you’re just…you’re stuck drinking fucking…uh, flat Pepsi, looking for food and board! And the only thing worth seeing is the…

Dick: (interjects) Pepsi is a great problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Go ahead, sorry.

Maddox: We’ll bring in Pepsi sometime.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But you’re looking around to see if there’s anything to do in the Tower of London. Yeah, it’s cool, whatever. But it’s not like a huge event unless you go to the Crown Jewel room.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And the Crown Jewel room, the line is just WINDING, and it snakes around, and there’s portraits, and all sorts of just, you know, cool shit to see in there, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And the…the…Crown Jewel of the event is the Crown Jewel room!!

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Right? (giggles)

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: You walk in, and they have all the different crowns, and jewels…(giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox:...for the uh, the…

Dick: (interjects) The monarchs.

Maddox: The monarchy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. The monarchy, right?

Dick: They were the gifts from other dignitaries throughout history.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Stuff like that.

Maddox: So here’s how I went into that room. And honestly, it was a mistake, but I found a huge loophole in their security. I walked in through the exit. I just walked right in through the exit…

Dick: Okay. (giggles)

Maddox: Security guard looks at me, tips his hat, and I just kinda, like, look at him back, and I said, “Okay, I guess I’m in here.” And I walk in, like an asshole, looking at all the crowns…you know, the crowns in there. And they’re all…the security for this place is atrocious. It’s the…the crowns. These priceless things.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Are sitting there behind Plexiglass.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: That’s it! It’s just, like, a little thin layer of Plexiglass. Bro, there’s more security between you and I right now!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My laptop screen is thicker than the screens on these Crown Jewels!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So I thought…and then I walk outside after I’m…I get my fill in, like, 5 minutes. I’m done.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So I walk outside and I see…the wall to the Tower of London. It’s like, I don’t know. Maybe 15, 20 feet high?

Dick: Okay. Oh, okay.

Maddox: And I thought, if I just pogoed right over that wall, or I had a jetpack…(Dick cracks up) I could run in there, grab the fucking Crown Jewels, knock over the tubby security guard, who…(stammers) he seems like a nice guy, but he’s just one dude. The beefeaters?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The beefeaters. That’s what they call their security guards. The beefeaters.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What…whatever. They’re guarding the Crown Jewels? Please. Beefeaters? Forget it. I’m the real beefeater, buddy.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: So…you just run in there, make a grab for the Crown Jewels, hop over the wall, you’re done. You hop on a motorcycle, you go over the London Bridge, fucking d…you’re in paradise for the rest of your life.

Dick: Maddox, I really think that their security would stop you!

Maddox: You think so?!!? There’s just one guy!!

Dick: Yes!

Maddox: He didn’t even have a fucking gun!

Dick: I bet the security that they have is the kind of security that you don’t see.

Maddox: Nope!

Dick: Like, with…no. Like, with cameras.

Maddox: Nope!

Dick: Eye in the sky…they’ve probably got, you know, a bunch of hidden beefeaters around. How far do you have to go from the point of the Crown Jewels to get out of the…Tower of London area?

Maddox: Dick…

Dick: You know what I’m saying?

Maddox: It…it’s like 20 feet. You run 20 feet to the wall…hop over that wall, and you fucking hop on a motorcycle, you’re gone! They don’t even have time to react, you’re gone so fast. I’m not even shitting you, dude, banks have better security. The White House has better security. And people penetrate the White House all the time! There’s that crazy dude with the Pokemon who jumped the fence and then ran towards…he got, like, to the front door of the White House. And the White House…

Sean: Yeah, and that’s when the fucking dogs got him.

Maddox: Well, yeah. And he kicked him. He kicked the dog.

Dick: Yeah, but what if he had a jet pack? (guffaws)

Sean: Wait, doesn’t London have the most cameras of any other city?

Dick: Yes. Yes!

Maddox: Oh!!! CCTV, please!! I pissed right in front of a CCTV camera. RIGTH in front of one!!

Sean: They’re probably used to that!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. I don’t think you’re gonna get away with this.

Maddox: Anyway. Well, not now, ‘cause they’re gonna beef up their security!! (Dick laughs) ‘Cause they listen to this podcast, I bet!

Dick: Oh, man. Do you think we know anybody who works security over there? Like, any kind of London cop or anything, you could say…

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: Somebody…if it’s as easy as you’re making it out to be, someone will have tried this.

Maddox: Dick, I’m telling you…nothing easier! I…I plan heists all the time in my mind…

Dick: I know you do! They’re great.

Maddox: Just to see if I can…you know. Yeah! Just to see if I can, you know?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Just, like, trying to poke holes in security, which I see ALL the time. Oh, my gosh. There’s this bank that I go to sometimes…the WORST security. There’s a HUGE, HUGE hole in their security.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I’ll tell you after the episode.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But yeah, man.

Dick: You missed your calling.

Maddox: Being a…bank robber?

Dick: Oh, I was gonna say “being an inmate”. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: What a dick.

Dick: Anyway, uh, this is a superconductor. Not a hoverboard.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When you…when you cool certain materials to an extremely low temperature, in this case, -197 C, they become superconductive. If you position them near a magnet during that cooling process, they oust the magnetic field and effectively remember their position relative to the magnet. There’s a video that Lexus just posted. That’s why I’m so pissed off about this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where it shows these skateboarders trying to use the “hoverboard”? And it’s…it’s embarrassing. It’s like watching a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond. Like, they stumble around…(Maddox laughs) They jump on it…they jump off as it approaches new things…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In terror, because they know they’re gonna break their wrists if they stay on.

Maddox: Right. There’s no friction on this thing.

Dick: There’s no fun to it, either.

Maddox: No.

Dick: There’s no fun on it.

Maddox: Would you call two magnets that are just levitating on top of each other, would you call that a hoverboard?

Dick: No, I wouldn’t.

Maddox: No. No.

Dick: No.

Maddox: That’s ‘cause it’s just magnets, idiot.

Dick: Needs more power.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It’s not a hoverboard unless you can go someplace that wasn’t specifically designed for your hoverboard. Your QUOTE hover…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Let’s not even call it “hoverboard”.

Dick: Just like a flying car is not a flying car if it’s a shitty airplane that can fold its wings up on top of the car!

Maddox: Yeah. Exactly.

Dick: Then it’s a fucking airplane.

Maddox: Yep!!

Dick: Like…

Maddox: (interjects) Fuck…right. Amen! That’s the…that’s a great fucking example, ‘cause I’m so tired of flying cars and people, “Oh, it’s a flying car!” No, it’s not!

Dick: No.

Maddox: ‘Cause you could call an airplane a flying car, too, then, can’t you, dipshit? ‘Cause airplanes have wheels!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There…and airplane’s not a car!! It’s a plane. ‘Cause it has wings. If it has WINGS, it’s a plane. It’s a plane.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah. I’m on board with that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We’ve defined a box. (Maddox laughs) And a flying car..(giggles) and now a…do you remember when hover…when Funny or Die did that…uh…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That troll video, I guess you’d call it?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where they got Tony Hawk and Christopher Lloyd.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: To come out and act like they’d actually invented a hoverboard?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was angry even when that came out. ‘Cause I’m, like, “Yeah, fuck you guys!”

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you know what you’re doing! It’s not funny! What you’re doing is not funny!!

Maddox: Well, I guess that was “Or Die”. Um, you know what was the best thing about that video, though, Dick? The way that it was outed. You remember what happened? Do you know what happened?

Dick: No. No.

Maddox: So, the way that video was outed…because there was a lot of speculation when it came out, by a bunch of gullible idiots on the internet, thinking, “Oh, my gosh, we’re finally here! We got the hoverboard.”

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Then some girl, who was, like, a PA for that thing. Listed it on her resume. And she just posted it on IMDB or something, so…people were searching for this..(Dick laughs) and they came across this girl. She quickly removed it, but the damage was done. Everyone picked up the story and they said, “Oh, it’s fake, guys.”

Dick: Yeah. There are whistle blower laws to protect girls like that. Protect people like that. So this is from a…this is from a journalist who was at this demo, reporting of how fun the hoverboard was?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…the pro skater, Ross McGoran, employed to master this thing for a video, but it’s a bit challenging. He was supposed to be doing a demo, but yesterday, fell off and almost broke his ankle. Today, he’s hobbling around pretending he’s fine. (Maddox scoffs) He tells me the whole board teeters on a magnetic balance point just 1 cm wide, running lengthwise down the middle.

Maddox: WHAT?! That’s…really?!

Dick: Yeah. That’s why they look so stupid when they’re trying to have fun…the time of their lives on this amazing new technology of magnets.

Maddox: So essentially, that’s like being on a high wire.

Dick: Yeah. That’s exactly what it is.

Maddox: Trying to skateboard on a high wire.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: Are you kidding me? They should get…they should have gotten some of those Cirque Du Soleil idiots to do that thing.

Dick: They should have!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Instead of a professional skateboarder. You’re right!

Maddox: ‘Cause those guys are good with balance, at least! Those guys would have done it.

Dick: They should have done it in the fucking first place. I don’t why Lexus, a car that I own…is…committing this kind of fraud!! (Maddox chuckles) This is not the brand that I bought into!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I’m saying?

Maddox: I think it’s exactly the brand you bought into, Dick.

Dick: No, I bought into a brand that was soaked in sophistication. (Maddox cracks up) And class. And now I’ve got Persian racing rims…(Sean laughs) and fake hoverboard jokes…

Maddox: Yeah! I hate…that’s the thing I hate most about this, was that it was just ONE big Lexus ad, and it was SO fucking shameless!

Dick: And it’s a horrible ad!

Maddox: It was so shameless at the end where the car drove up in between the two ramps, and they built up to it…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the guy jumped the car…and they…they…it was just so fucking shameless. It was like the new Jurassic Park movie with Mercedes. Oh, my gosh.

Dick: Ohhhh. Yeah.

Maddox: You couldn’t blink and not see a Mercedes ad.

Dick: Yeah. Yep, well, that’s my problem. I’m d…no more hoverboard stuff! It’s not funny. There’s never gonna be a hoverboard. Never.

Maddox: Well, nooooooo. Mmmmmmm.

Dick: Never. Never! No!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: That hope is what they’re preying on!! Never gonna happen!

Maddox: Dick, that’s super fucking depressing!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That’s my problem.

Maddox: Well, uh…

Dick: Alright, we’re already at 1:05. I dunno. Do you wanna do…you wanna do another problem? Or you wanna save it?

Maddox: Well, Sean’s making a scrunchy face, that’s…(Dick laughs) that tells me no. Guy…you know what? I brought in a problem that sounds like it’s a bunch of bullshit.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: But it’s actually a real legit problem. I’ll save it for the next episode.

Dick: Save it for the next one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah, you try to cram it in, it’s never as good.

Dick: No. It’s never as good.

Maddox: Yeah. ‘Cause I actually have a lot to talk about with this problem…I’ll bring it in next week. You..unless you have a quick one you want to cover. Or is that it?

Dick: Uhhhh, I mean, it would take, like, 10 minutes.

Maddox: Yeaaaaah. Well.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No. That’s it. That’s it for this episode!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We got…we covered a lot of ground, here! We covered death and hoverboards!

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: And by the way, Dick, when we list this problem on the website, hoverboards? We’re putting it in quotes.

Dick: I called it hoverboard hoaxes.

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ‘Cause they all are.

Maddox: Oh, okay. Good.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Good. The Hoverboard Hoaxes, and my problem is Death. Vote it up, Death, people!!

Dick: See you next Tuesday.   Hey, didn’t you have a song you were gonna play?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, you wanna play it?

Maddox: I do. Well, do you have any voice mail?

Dick: Umm, I have a song…

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: I think you’ve heard it before, though.

Maddox: Okay.

(Titanic theme starts)

Maddox: You motherfucker! (Dick laughs) This is such bullshit!! No, fuck you!! I do have a song to play, Dick!!

Dick: Awww, buddy. You had a lot of losses this week.

Maddox: At the end of this episode. No, I didn’t!

Dick: You had a lot of losses. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: (inaudible)…You’ve been salty about that.

Maddox: That’s bullshit! I called shenanigans. I called shenanigans on Dropb…(Dick groans) I guarantee if I did…if I spent more time researching this…fuck you, Grant Mooney!! If I spent more time researching this…

(song continues…”Maddox is an asshole….”)

Maddox: I’d find…

Dick: (interjects) I’ll bring it in! I’ll bring you a distribution of all those votes.

(“He can…go fuck himself.”)

Maddox: It doesn’t matter, it’s unreliable, it’s compromised.

Dick: No, no, no. It’s fine.

Maddox: Garbage.

Dick: How do you feel about that Smash Brothers loss, anyway?

(“His problems all suck, and…he deserrrrrrrrrrrrrves it.”)

Maddox: Well…

Dick: That can’t feel good.

Maddox: I’m okay with it, because it’s like every other Sma…fuck this song!! (Dick cracks up) It’s like every other Smash Brothers game, right? Where you have random elements determining who wins. The only reason you won that round is because you got the random powerup!

(“And Dick, you can go on, and go on….and go fuuuuuuuuuck yourself.”)

Dick: No, the real reason I won that round is because you kept jumping off the level.

Maddox: Oh! Yeah, I’ll tell you the reason, is because the level kept changing, another random chance element!

Dick: Yeah, but I didn’t jump off.

Maddox: Well, because you were fucking around trying to get the power up the whole entire time!

Dick: No, ‘cause I’m a survivor.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. (skeptical)

Dick: That’s why.

Maddox: Survivor.

Dick: No matter what game it is, I’m a survivor.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. Let’s watch your…

Maddox: I’m not going to.

Dick: Let’s watch this Titanic.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Come on!!!!!!! It’s a good one.

Maddox: I’m gonna open up these packages by Laurie. I got Blitz, here. That’s a…

Dick: (interjects) Okay, last time…uh, Rose, the old lady, had just shown up…

(Titanic clip starts…”Rose DeWitt Bukater died on theTitanic. At the age of 17. If she'd've lived, she'd be over a hundred now.” (helicopters)

Maddox: Oh my gosh, I fucking hate this movie!!

Dick: Now she’s helicoptering in!

Maddox: That’s a hoverboard, too. (laughing)

Dick: The helicopter?!

Maddox: Why not?! You’re hovering!!

(“A hundred and one next month.”)

Maddox: Yeah. Sure, call it a jet pack!! Call it whatever.

(“Okay, so she’s a very OLD goddamned liar.”)

Dick: It’s a flying car!

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: And a hoverboard. It’s a fucking…

Maddox: They’re flying skis, essentially!!

Dick: I fucking…I really hate that shit!

(“Look, I've already done the background on this woman all the way back to the '20s when she was working as an actress.” “An actress! There's your first clue, Sherlock.” “Her name was Rose Dawson back then. Then she marries this guy named Calvert. They move to Cedar Rapids and she punches out a couple of kids…”)

Dick: Like, I really hate the hype around the hoverboard.

Maddox: You know, and you know what it does, is it cheapens the actual hoverboard…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That’s coming…it’s coming. I think they’re gonna make one.

Dick: It does. Look at this guy.

(“Now, Calvert's dead, and from what I hear, Cedar Rapids is dead. And everybody who knows about the diamond is supposed to be dead or on this boat, but she knows!”)

Dick: It’s a diamond, man! They’re doing their own heist! That should be interesting to you!

Maddox: This sounds like more than 30 seconds, Dick!

Dick: Nah, it’s exactly 30 seconds.

(helicopter sounds)

Dick: There’s no shenanigans here.

Maddox: It feels like about an hour.

Dick: Alright, that’s it.

Maddox: Good. Good. I got a song, here.

Dick: They’re planning a heist, man.

Maddox: What. They’re not planning a heist. They’re…not like mine!!

Dick: It’s not the Crown Jewels, but it’s jewel!

Maddox: You know, what’s his name? Dean Caiman, the guy who…is that his name, the guy who invented the segway?

Dick: I don’t know. Could be.

Maddox: He…he kind of alluded to this hidden project that he was working on. This secret project? I think it was for the Department of Defense, and it was some kind of stilt, or some kind of pogo device that allowed people to jump up to 12 feet or higher with this device. And if I had something like that…dude, you fucking…I’ll be wearing the Crown Jewels next week!

Dick: You’re Springheel Jack!!

Maddox: What is that?

Dick: That’s you. Jack the Ripper? He had springs in his heels.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Dick: That’s probably why he got away with all those prostitute murders.

Maddox: Wait, did he really?

Dick: Well, that’s the legend.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: That he could ju…wasn’t it, Sean? Springheel Jack? Isn’t that the legend?

Sean: I never heard that one.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe I just made it up.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What’s your song? (giggles)

Maddox: Kinda like the Hiroshima theory. (laughs)

Dick: Oh, fuck off. (grins)

Maddox: Here’s a song by Thermoptik. He…this is actually a viewer…I think he found me through Twitch, or something, but he sent me this song…(Dick cracks up) (Maddox starts laughing) He did! He did! He sent this to me on Twitch last night. Check it out.

(Music starts…(clips of Dick cut together)

Dick: “Please keep gay porn of me coming in.” (Maddox laughs) “Please keep gay porn of me coming in.” “Please keep gay porn of me coming in.”

Dick: “Your dick makes me a man.” (Maddox laughs)

(drums start)

Dick: “Please keep gay porn of me coming in.” “Please keep gay porn of me coming in.” “Please keep gay porn of me coming in.”

Dick: “Your dick makes me a man.”

(melody changes, beat continues throughout)

Dick: “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” (Maddox and Sean laugh) “Talk me out of eating cock all night.”

Dick: “Yeah, gonna eat cock all night.” (they laugh) “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” “Talk me out of eating cock all night.”

Dick: “Do people not want to cock all night?”

(Dick starts laughing)

Dick: “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” “Talk me out of eating cock all night.”

Dick: “Do people not want to cock all night?”

Dick: “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” “Talk me out of eating cock all night.”   “Talk me out of eating cock all night.”

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: Pretty good, right?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: “Talk me out of eating cock all night.” “Talk me out of eating cock all night.”   “Talk me out of eating cock all night.”

Dick: “Do people not want to cock all night?”

Dick:   “Look at this cock.” “We could have a contest.” (Dick giggles)

Dick: “Look at this cock.” “It’s Dick ON Dick.”

Dick:   “Look at this cock.” “We could have a contest.”

Dick: “Look at this cock.” “It’s Dick ON Dick.”

Dick:   “Look at this cock.” “We could have a contest.”

Dick: “Look at this cock.” “It’s Dick ON Dick.”

Dick:   “Look at this cock.” “We could have a contest.”

Dick: “Look at this cock.” “It’s Dick ON Dick.”

Dick: “Maybe I think I’m a lot smarter than I am.” “Maybe I think I’m a lot smarter than I am.” “Maybe I think I’m a lot smarter than I am.”

Dick: “I could trick Starlord into having sex with me.”

(they crack up laughing)

(beat and melody continue throughout)

Dick: “Maybe I think I’m a lot smarter than I am.” “Maybe I think I’m a lot smarter than I am.” “Maybe I think I’m a lot smarter than I am.”

Dick: “I am a fucking idiot!”)

(song ends) (they all crack up)