Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 64
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
(Biggest Solution Theme riff starts)
Today's show is brought to you by our own bonus episode!
(Clips of the Bonus Episode begin:
Dick: I think I could get a satellite up in space.
Maddox: (giggles) Oh, yeah?
Dick: More easily than I could make an icemaking machine for Burning Man. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: You can imagine how a satellite works. Like, you take, uh…I don't know. Solid oxygen, throw it in a rocket, do…do some..uh…
Maddox: Do some rocket science! (laughs)
Dick: I could get there eventually. (grins)
Dick: Can we do…instead of free birth control, can we do PAY birth control?
Dick: We pay YOU to put the IUD in.
Sean: Not to make that mistake.
Dick: And we call it "Eugenics"!
Maddox: Well, you know what a refrigerator is? It's basically a box. (they all laugh)
Sean: Do we have to debate what a box is again on this show?
(Sound effect: Applause)
Maddox: No, 'cause…
Dick: No, it's a box. I'll give him…I'll give him that one. (Maddox laughs) It's def…it's an icebox.
Maddox: It's an icebox.
Maddox: You know what Target does carry? They have 50 Shades of Gray branded cockrings. (Dick guffaws) Yeah.
Maddox: And she could CRUSH you with her thunder thighs. Yeah, man.
Dick: How do you keep it up with all these thoughts going around in your mind? (grins) Getting your dick ripped off in James Bond!? (laughing)
Maddox: Man, I'd get the biggest boner permanently.
Sean: She could rip your dick off if you're not careful. (Dick laughs)"
Clip of Solutions Episodes Ends, theme riff fades out)
Now available at the http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Facebook to Hipsters. With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I am Maddox, and with me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back.
Maddox: Episode 64.
Maddox: Guys. We should uh…we should just get right to it.
(Sound effect: Drum roll)
Maddox: Helping Friends Move was the biggest problem in the universe last week.
Dick: Woooohohohooo!! Yeaaaaah! (taunts)
Maddox: Followed by Dropbox and Cloud Storage, which…the voting on this is so outrageous. You guys, in the negative…not only is it negative, but -2000 votes?!
Dick: Oh, my God!! (Sean cracks up) Are you serious?! (laughing)
Maddox: That's…there's gotta be some shenanigans.
Dick: That's some serious negative acceleration there, man.
Maddox: No, there's gotta be some shenanigans.
Dick: You had a number of fuckups. You had a num…go ahead.
Maddox: Here's the thing. Here's the thing, Dick. I don't think that there is enough people in the world who have that strong of an opinion. At least in our listener base. That have that strong of an opinion of cloud storage.
Sean: Is that the biggest…is that the biggest downvote?
Dick: No, Guardians of the Galaxy was the fastest. Maddox is the biggest downvote.
Dick: On the list.
Dick: But Guardians of the Galaxy was the fastest. That's like…it was, like…that was like a Megaslide at a water park. The ones that pull your swimsuit right up your ass. That was that slope!
Maddox: Was this higher? This was higher than Guardians of the Galaxy, wasn't it?
Dick: Uh, I don't know. I'll have to check the slopes.
Maddox: That's absurd. Look, I'm calling some shenanigans on it.
Dick: (interjects) No, here's why…
Maddox: Maybe there's somebody that used a scripting bot or something.
Dick: N…no. This is why…this is why I was saying you fucked up. Because, first of all…it was very technical.
Dick: Because with this kind of…with this number. With this large of a negative turnout…it's…it becomes a negative vote against you. Like, people aren't voting on the problem anymore, they're voting on how you brought it in. When it's…when the number is that large. You know what I'm talking about?
Maddox: Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Dick: It's the…it's the…"Was it Dropbox? Was it Cloud Storage?" You know, that was part of the confusion. And when people get confused, they get angry. And that's when the downvotes start flying. Pew, pew, pew pew!
Maddox: Yeah. They get emotional and they become idiots. Angry, emotional idiots! That's who voted the Dropbox problem down!
Dick: (chortles) You're not helpin'.
Maddox: You know what, dickhead? Those fuckers! Those shady fuck Dropbox executives..
Maddox: Remember? They were the ones who booted the kids from that baseball field awhile back, up in uh…
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Dick: They booted those Mexican kids!
Maddox: Uh-huh. (smug) Those Mexican kids. They booted 'em!
Dick: And then the Mexicans wanted to see their papers.
Dick: They reserved the field. Yeah! (grins) Yeah, you're right!
Maddox: Those shady fucks. These are the ones? You know what? I wouldn't be surprised if a few Dropbox engineers got their feelings hurt last episode. Good!
Maddox: Fuck your Dropbox, fuck your service! Here's the thing. Adam Reeburn says, "If someone is using Dropbox as their primary storage, that's their fault for being a fucking moron, not Dropbox's." Here's the thing, Adam Reeburn!
Dick: (interjects) It continues.
Maddox: That argument completely disregards the argument that I made that essentially all companies are moving towards this platform! Nobody wants you to own anything anymore, because they want to rent it to you! Constantly. That's the endgame here, guys.
Dick: Why do you have a problem with that?
Maddox: Because, Dick. You…instead of buying something once, and using it for as long as you want, now you have to rent everything. Imagine if you had to rent every tool that you owned. Imagine if you…
Maddox: …had to rent your car permanently.
Dick: But that's called a lease.
Dick: I mean, that's…in some ways, a lease is better for you depending on your life circumstances, like…
Maddox: Yeah, but the majority of people, it's not. The majority of people can own their cars. The majority of people can own the tools that they have. They keep trying to deprecate everything. Look, man. People are paying subscription fees for Netflix.
Dick: I don't mind that.
Maddox: And they're paying subscription fees for Gamefly.
Maddox: And then subscription fees for Hulu. And subscription fees for this show. (Dick laughs) And subscription fees for…Netflix and Amazon and all these other services.
Dick: Yeah. Sure.
Maddox: You know, all these subscription fees start to add up. Next thing you know, you're paying…you cut your cable cord, but now you're paying the exact same as you did before on all these little services, and everyone is trying to do this now.
Dick: Yeah, I guess I just don't see a problem with it. Like, it's a different way to monetize resources.
Maddox: No, I'll tell you.
Dick: Like, instead of paying a lump sum at the front, you're paying a little bit every month.
Maddox: No, it's garbage. Because, I'll tell you what. Adobe has moved to this model exclusively.
Dick: And it's great!
Maddox: No, it's awful. It's absolutely awful.
Dick: Microsoft office is incredible!
Maddox: It's terrible.
Dick: It's 10 bucks a month instead of the 300 that you used to pay!
Maddox: Dick, you're paying $300 every three years. You're paying more than that!
Dick: Yeah. That's…I don't…I do not have a problem with paying $300 every three years.
Maddox: Yeah. But it's not…it's $300 for Microsoft, $300 for Adobe, another four or five…actually, it's more than that. And here's the thing. With Adobe. With Adobe Suite. What they do is you pay for the subscription fee so you can no longer stick with one version.
Maddox: 'Cause every few months or so, they'll update it and they'll break features. They'll take it away. I used to use Adobe, uh..what is it? Premier. Premier. Right?
Maddox: Premier used to have all these transitions and really cool features in it, and they stripped it from the Creative Cloud version. So if you're paying for the subscription version, you lose out on features that you once had, that if they decide arbitrarily to take it away.
Dick: Yeah, alright. Uh…
Maddox: (interjects) And also, Dick, what happens…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, my God! (Maddox makes crazy frustrated sounds) Speaking of arguments everyone's sick of.
Maddox: Fucking assholes!
Dick: What? Then what happens, what?
Maddox: What happens if you can't pay your subscription fee one time? What happens to your data?
Dick: They repossess it.
Dick: What do you mean, what happens if you…
Maddox: What happens to your data?
Dick: Well, umm…on a lot of services, it just sits there and you have to pay to re-edit it again, like it'll sit there in a read-only version. I dunno what specifically Dropbox does, but..
Maddox: Ohhhhh. (condescending) Yeah. Nobody really knows.
Dick: They don't delete it.
Maddox: So it's a big cloud.
Dick: I mean, I've done it.
Dick: I've done it on, like, subversion repositories and it just sits there.
Dick: You can no longer use the services.
Maddox: Well, you hope. You hope that they leave it there. Nobody really knows these policies from company to company. They might hang onto your data, they might not. It might be gone forever.
Dick: Yeah. I guess read the manual.
Maddox: Mmm. Or just buy a hard drive and keep it.
Dick: Yeah. Well, yeah. Okay. Um, hey. This one from Nico Yazawa. "I'm moving this week and I had to ask a friend to help and I'm paying him in barbecue. Fuck, time to kill myself, all because Dick can go fuck himself." He felt bad, 'cause he was moving, and he asked his friend to help him. Which he should.
Dick: That was the point I was making last episode. Everybody agreed with.
Maddox: Look, man. If you're in a desperate spot, then sure. Um, I…
Dick: Put it on a credit card. Put…hire movers. Put it on a credit card. It's your problem. It's not our problem.
Dick: I know you're moving. If I want to help, I'll show up.
Maddox: Better yet, sign up for my new subscription service. Uh, you pay a monthly fee and anytime you gotta move, I'll just come move it for you, but you pay forever.
Dick: I mean, it's called insurance. Insurance works the same way.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm not a big fan of insurance, either.
Maddox: Um, Alex Worth says, "Dropbox isn't a box." (Dick laughs)
Dick: Jesus Christ. (Sean and Maddox laughs)
Maddox: And then…and then there was a thread of comments. I'm gonna read all of these. Adam Lou says,"It's a square cylinder." And then Sean Willings says, "It's a five-sided box." And then Gilbert Garcia says, "It's a six-sided square." (Maddox laughs) Which, by the way, that thumbnail last episode, Dick, was so well-done.
Dick: Yeah, it was great.
Maddox: It perfectly encapsulated both problems. That was really good.
Dick: What is that guy's name?
Dick: Elizar…Elizar Tartar Sauce?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Something like that?
Maddox: Yeah. He's doing a good job.
Dick: He's awesome.
Maddox: I like his stuff. And then Tubbs, too. They…they all do good stuff. And everybody was raving about that fanart we received last time. And, by the way, guys, it's live on the show. It's live on the show's website, so upload your fanart and we'll shit on it.
Dick: Yes, we hid it in a really hard spot to find. It was, uh… http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/fan-art.
Dick: Some people found it on their own, but now it's linked to.
Maddox: People were saying we should have abbreviated it to "fart". Real funny. Um, Derek Connelly says, "Why does the Download button never work? I want to download an episode and put it on my iPod for a road trip I'm about to leave on, but all it does is open it in another window and play the episode there." And then Stormy Waters says, "Right click and Save Link."
Maddox: Real simple solution. And notice it's a Mac user. Who has this problem.
Dick: Oh, my God. (annoyed)
Maddox: Mhmm. 'Cause…(stammers) how do you right-click in a Mac, what, do you have to Alt, Control?
Dick: Is this how you wanna start this fucking episode!?! (Maddox laughs) With rehashing your insanely…(stammers) small technical problems that you have with EVERYTHING. Like, you have not…how long did it take you to install iTunes? Two hours? You can't use Dropbox? You can't use self-checkout lanes?!? (angry) I think you need to get…you need, like, an assistant monkey.
Dick: Who can do all these things for you.
Maddox: I'm gonna…
Dick: (interjects) Like, a literal rhesus monkey.
Maddox: Those self-checkout lanes never work. I'm gonna make you watch a three-minute video of me trying to check out that doesn't fucking work! The machine doesn't work. And also, um, installing iTunes for two hours is because I didn't want to install all the bloatware that comes with iTunes.
Dick: (laughing) Oh, my God.
Maddox: I had to decompress the package and install specifically what I wanted.
Dick: (laughing) I wanna hammer my brains out. I can't take any more tech stuff. Um… Juan Tavarez…"Maddox, every time you talk about fighting games, you're painting yourself off more and more as a salty scrub who doesn't know when to quit."
Maddox: Yeah. Hmm. (annoyed)
Dick: "Get good." Uh, a lot of people were complaining that you were…and I'm not calling you this, but they were saying you were lying about tripping in Smash Brothers. Did you see any of that?
Maddox: Well. Yeah. You know what, guys? I was going through my old Wii collection of video games, and I saw in my collection, I actually own Smash Brothers.
Dick: Which one, though?
Maddox: Smash Brothers Brawl.
Dick: Yeah, see, they're saying that's the only one that has tripping, and it was…
Maddox: Yeah. OH! (starts to taunt, Dick cuts him off)
Dick: (interjects) Lemme play some voice mails first.
Maddox: Okay. Let's hear these idiots!!
(Voice mail: (male voice): Hey Maddox, you petulant fucker!! Um, so, Smash Brothers. The tripping thing only exists in Smash Brothers Brawl, which was on the Wii…"
"Tripping doesn't exist in the highly competitive Melee version."
Maddox: Oh, okay. (dorky voice)
Dick: It's true.
Dick: Alright. I can't take any more of that one.
Maddox: These…Smash Brothers…
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey you guys, I just wanted to comment on that… (Dick cracks up) fucking 12-year-old that called in to defend Smash Brothers. It's not a fighting game. It's a shit series and I love that the person who defended it was a 12 year old, which is the target audience for Smash Brothers."
Dick: This guy's on your side, I guess.
"Dick, go fuck yourself.")
Dick: Oh. (dejected)
Maddox: Yeah, man! These…talk about petulant. These fuckin' Smash Brothers fans? Here's the thing. Two episodes ago, they were all saying, "Hey Maddox, you just haven't played a…you just haven't played a good Smash Brothers game. You probably played Melee, which is the worst one in the series." And now that I bring up the tripping mechanic, they're like, "Oh no, THAT was the worst one. You should play a real one. You should play a real one." Every single time! Guys, if it's a competitive game. If it's really balanced, you shouldn't have to turn off anything to play it. You shouldn't have to turn off a b…you shouldn't have to go through an arcade dipswitch screen to decide how to play the game. (angry) You should just turn it on and fucking play it! In Street Fighter, you don't have to go through 40 different customizations and options and disable random elements in the game just to make it playable. Fuck you and fuck Smash Brothers.
Dick: Alright, how about this. 'Cause you and I are gonna play Smash Brothers tonight, right?
Maddox: That's true, actually. (giggles) We are playing tonight, yeah.
Dick: We are playing…we're gonna settle it once and for all.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Okay? If I win, it's a fighting game. (Maddox guffaws) And in fact, superior to Street Fighter. And if you win, I don't know. Somebody's gotta write you an apology about how right you are.
Maddox: Blow me!
Dick: (scoffs) Well,no…(stammers) This isn't how bets work!! You're always trying to make tattoos and blowing part of the bet.
Maddox: Yeah! 'Cause you never…everything bad that can happen to you, you don't want, so there's nothing that you'll ever agree to.
Dick: What do you mean, me?
Maddox: Yeah. You won't agree to tattoos. You won't agree to shaving your stupid haircut. You won't agree to shaving off your eyebrows.
Dick: (guffaws) Maddox! (laughing)
Maddox: You won't agree to sewing your mouth shut. Like, none of these things that I want you to do. (Sean and Dick laugh) I got a comment here.
Dick: Can you make a bet like a real person, not a cartoon? (grins)
Dick: Like, in reality?
Maddox: Drink a bottle of hot sauce.
Dick: I've already dranken a bottle of hot sauce.
Maddox: Well. Drink a hotter bottle.
Dick: Are you avail…are you open to that? If I win at Smash Brothers, tonight, when we go play this exhibition match, it's a fighting game, and that's it. 'Cause I'm fucking tired of talking about Smash Brothers.
Maddox: Okay. I agree to that. You can call it a fighting game.
Dick: And it is. And you agree that it is a fighting game.
Maddox: I agree that you can call it that.
Dick: Okay. So no…(Maddox laughs) No betting at all. Great. (grins) What a…what a fun guy. What a fun bit. Right?
Maddox: What did…what did you…
Dick: (interjects) Let's make a fuckin' bit…I don't know. What do you want?!
Maddox: You won't agree to anything!
Dick: Like sewing my mouth shut, or shaving my head, or getting a tattoo on my face?!
Maddox: Shave half your head. How about that?
Dick: That's the same as shaving your h…uhh…(stammers) Okay. I'm also sick of this conversation!
Dick: Go ahead. Whatever…what were you gonna…no. You know what? I got something special for you when you say whatever you were gonna say.
Maddox: No. I'm not…no.
Dick: Go ahead…you can do it during this song.
("Maddox Lost" song plays)
Maddox: (sings) Is…an asshole! (singing along with "Dick is….the…winner!")
Dick: It's right this time. It's right this time.
Maddox: Piece of shit. I'm calling shenanigans on that vote. That's fucking bullshit. Someone scripted it. Um, I got a comment from Tim Greely. He says, "Soup blankets?! That's one step removed from chili sheets." (Sean laughs) And then Rob McGregor says, "Hey morons, the extra base is anal when you round home."
Dick: Yeah. That was my joke the first time. Uh, hey, April O'Neil likes the soup blankets.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: How about that?
Maddox: The porn star April O'Neil.
Dick: Beloved Internet porn star.
Dick: Yeah. Pretty cool. She'll come out and sample some blankets.
Maddox: My friend used to date her.
Maddox: Yeah. Dude, how do you know she likes the blankets?
Dick: 'Cause she was Tweeting at me about it.
Maddox: How did she…how did she find out about it?
Dick: (exhales) Uh, some…a fan tweeted at her about it.
Maddox: About your blankets?
Dick: About the soup blankets. A fan of the show tweeted to her about the soup blankets.
Maddox: Why would our fans do that?
Dick: Why does anyone do anything?
Maddox: What are they, just like, tweeting? That's so weird. No…(giggles) It's not one of those 'why does everyone do anything'. That just seems like a really weird thing to tweet to April O'Neil specifically. That's so weird. Huh.
Dick: Well…maybe he thought it would be fun.
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, Dick.
Dick: It was. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) Great. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Real fun t…real fun time for all. Let's go back to talking about Dropbox. That's fun!
Dick: Oh, God. (Maddox laughs) That's the worst! I think they…it went beyond even voting the problems, they were voting down that you even brought it in.
Maddox: No, Dick!
Dick: That's how bad it was.
Maddox: No, they weren't. No, they weren't. (stammers) Here's the thing. Everyone's an idiot except for me, alright?
Maddox: Some day, when you guys are all enslaved by the subscription fee model and you no longer have hard drives and you all have to rent material and you can no longer download anything you want because you forgot to pay your subscription fee, or your data gets deleted, or God knows what happens, 'cause no one knows…(angry) Then you'll come kiss my ass! And you know what? I'm gonna slam the door shut on you! No! I get all the hard drives. I'm gonna be a hard drive hoarder. That's what I am.
Dick: I got some voice mails for you.
(Voice mail: (male voice): (accent): "Hello Dick Masterson, zis is Adolf Hitler. Yes, this how I talk. (Dick and Maddox laugh) I noticed that you said that the Holocaust was as bad as moving. That is not fair. I do not make any of …………on things. I crush them up and put them in the train!! (they laugh) And you can bet at the end of the day, I do not stick them with the gas bill! Hoooo. (Dick guffaws)
"Have a nice day. And go fuck yourselfs!")
Maddox: Whoa. (Dick laughing)
Dick: Oh, what, that's…
Maddox: (interjects) Over the line, Hitler!!
Dick: That's too much for you…(cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I…choose to draw the line at Holocaust. (Dick giggles) Hitler, you're not welcome to call into the show ever again. Dick, make…make a note.
Dick: Block that guy? (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. Se…change our voice mail to say "If this is Hitler, hang up. We're not gonna play your voice mail." No more Hitler calls! Hitler!!
Maddox: He's NOT a friend of the show. Fuck that guy! Anyway, Dick.
Dick: He has a good point though. He didn't stick 'em with the gas bill. Alright, um…
Maddox: Are you read to move onto the…the problems here?
Dick: Yeah. You wanna go first, or you want me to go first?
Maddox: Yeaaaaaah. I'll go.
Maddox: My first problem this week is Infantilism!
Dick: Mmm. (possibly confused)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
(Sound effect: "Ding!")
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, good problem! Yeah. (Dick laughs) Good job, Maddox. This is fr…this is the definition of infantilism. You know what it is, Dick? Sean? You guys know what this is? From uh…http://www.dictionary.com, it says, "The persistence in an adult of…"
Sean: (interjects) I know what it is! (Dick guffaws)
Dick: What is it?
Maddox: What, Sean!?
Dick: Go ahead, what is it? (grins)
Maddox: Yeah, what? (annoyed)
Sean: I just wanted…I just wanted to interrupt him, because…yeah.
Dick: (interjects) I know what it is, too. It's when you wanna have sex with those giant trees from Lord Of The Rings.
Maddox: Kind of. Actually, you're kind of on. I know you're making a joke here, but…
Dick: (interjects) I think they're called 'Ent'fants, I think.
Maddox: Oh, no, Dick. Dammit! (annoyed) (Dick cracks up) Fuck.
(Sound effect: "wrong buzzer")
Dick: What did you think I meant?!!? (grins) Where did you think I got that?!
Maddox: I thought you meant people who fetishize things like Lord Of The Rings and wanted to have sex with them.
Dick: No, no, no. (grins)
Maddox: But that's…that's pretty close. "The persistence…"
Dick: Sean, what did you think it was?
Maddox: Yeah, what…what, Sean?
Sean: I just wanted to interrupt because he never gave us the chance to ask.
Dick: Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. I hate when you ask rhetorical questions without giving a pause.
Maddox: Well, first of all, here's the problem with Joker 1 and Joker 2 over here, right? First, Joker 1, Dick…he…he's just gonna think of some stupid fucking thing to say that's irrelevant just to make a joke.
Dick: A pun! It's called a pun.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (annoyed) A pun. And then Sean, um…
Maddox: I give Sean time to respond, and he's like, pulling his hands out of his pockets and putting his weed away, and all this…
Sean: Oh, come on!!
Dick: Oh, my goodness! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No…(stammers) I try to buy a little bit of time so Sean can get to the mic, but…uh, yeah, Sean. You know what it is.
Sean: Yeah. (slowly) (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Go ahead, just move on!
Maddox: Thank God.
Maddox: Great. "The persistence in an adult of markedly childish, anatomical, psychological, or physiological characteristics." That's what infantilism is, right?
Maddox: Um, to me, it signals the sign of an emotional, immature person, and the inability to cope with challenging situations. It's a sign of weakness. Babies and children need to be CODDLED. (angry) So people who act like babies or children also need to be coddled. It's a character flaw and a sign of weakness. And I'm not just saying that flippantly here, I actually mean it's a sign of weakness. I mean it in every sense of the word. These people are weak and aren't fit for survival. They should be rejected like the bad batch of eggs that they are.
Maddox: Infantilism. I'm so tired of these guys, man.
Dick: It is annoying.
Maddox: Yeah, man.
Dick: Me, too.
Maddox: It…it culminates in many different ways. Sometimes…I've been to a couple of parties lately…
Dick: (interjects) The way people talk to their dogs is a big one.
Maddox: Yeah. I hate that.
Dick: Is that right?
Maddox: They don't just talk to their dogs that way, they talk to children like they're babies.
Maddox: And if you don't stop that…if you don't stop that, they will continue to talk like babies into adulthood. I have a friend…
Dick: Who, the children?
Maddox: The children. I have a friend who…man, I can't even say her name, but…
Dick: You could just make up a name.
Maddox: Well, I can't, because the way they used to pronounce it was specific.
Maddox: Okay. Sarah. They would call her Sawwy.
Dick: Sarah Tits Enormous. (Sean laughs)
Dick: They would call her Sawwy?
Maddox: And they would, like…they would baby talk her so much. They didn't stop baby talking her until she was, like, eight or nine years old.
Maddox: And so, she never got out of that phase of talking like a baby. For real. Even into adulthood, she has this…
Dick: Of having, like, a speech impediment.
Maddox: It's a speech impediment. She has that, because her parents continued to infantilize her way into…way past the age that most people stop. Which is…which should be never.
Dick: Yeah, my sister doesn't…she's got a hard line against infantilism, talking to her kids like they're…
Maddox: Yeah. Good.
Dick: Like, putting "y"s on everything.
Maddox: Yeah. Don't…don't…
Dick: (interjects) It's like a thought virus. Like, when they get exposed to it a little bit, they just immediately incorporate it and that's how they refer to everything. It's very weird seeing it work. Like, you really have to totally quarantine them from it.
Dick: Because the mind is ready to adopt it.
Maddox: Well, essentially, if you bring a child into this world, it's a fresh mind learning the language, right? And if they learn to speak a certain way, the child's mind doesn't know whether you're talking to them in an accent or whether you're talking to them like an infant. Whatever way you're speaking to them is what they're going to learn and pick up. So if you talk to your child like a baby, it's going to learn to speak like a baby. Idiots. And, I don't know if this is just a problem that I have because of the parties I've been going to, but I've been going to parties with adults, like, 30-year-olds, who, as an activity, want to sit around and color in coloring books.
Dick: Wait a minute. There was something in the news about this. Like, a day camp for adults.
Dick: Where they would do exactly what you're talking about.
Maddox: Yeah. It's really sick. It's…I don't know what it is about me, but something visceral…
Dick: You have fucked up friends, too. Your social circle is fucked, 'cause I do NOT have this experience.
Dick: I'm not saying that as an insult. This is, like, an observation. 'Cause you're always bringing in these problems that you're exposed to that I have n…like, people coloring in coloring books?
Dick: I've not been exposed to people wanting to do that. Sean? Have you?
Sean: Nobody I know does that.
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Dick: Where are you meeting these people?
Maddox: Well, it might be because of the social circles that I hang out with sometimes, because I hang out with a lot of creative types. I hang out with people who are creators.
Dick: Oh, yeah. I hate that.
Maddox: People who create content on YouTube. People who are podcasters. People who are moviemakers, and people who have creative work…and then I hang out with a lot of people who are in the comic book realm, so maybe it has something to do with that, and then cosplayers. That's another big one. Um, a lot of the cosplayers are really stuck in this infantilism mode. And ultimately, it's destructive. I think that the ultimate destructive form of infantilism is Michael Jackson. He's the ultimate adult infant, right? He never got out of that phase, and look at him. His sex life was a mess. He…he had…I mean, even to the point where during a Barbara Walters interview, one of the top questions that she was asked to ask Michael Jackson was whether or not he was a virgin. Because people weren't even sure if that guy had ever been laid because of the way that he acted in the world and his..
Dick: Yeah, he was a weirdo.
Maddox: Yeah. People call it a weirdo, but ultimately, it's adult infantilism. And it's because he probably had stunted growth because he never got to have a childhood. But I think the infantilism that we are dealing with today is completely different than Michael Jackson's. I mean, Michael Jackson, for all his faults, may have been a victim of his upbringing. But, uh…this is from a website called…
Dick: Yeah. He was molested, wasn't he?
Maddox: Uh…I don't think there's evidence of that.
Sean: I don't know about that. I mean, Joe Jackson beat the shit out of all of 'em.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: But that doesn't lead to infantilism, necessarily. It leads to potentially other psychological issues, but…(Dick guffaws) This is from Flavorwire. Uh, http://www.flavorwire.com. It's an article they wrote. Uh, they're talking about this philosopher. This modern philosopher. Her name is Susan Neiman. "She wrote a book called "Why Grow Up?" in which she suggests that millennials need a dose of enlightenment philosophy. This is from the website, saying "Emmanuel Kant famously pitched the Enlightenment as man's emergence from his self-imposed immaturity. Without this, Neiman warrants, society risks caving into bellicosity. It may not be an accident, Neiman writes, that Peter Pan was published shortly before the first World War."
Maddox: So…she's suggesting that this could have far-reaching implications in society. Unconditional…so, she talks about this thing called "unconditioned status".
Maddox: "It's a tranquil inactivity and constant state of peace that comes when all questions about the world have obvious answers." That's how a child thinks. In black and white, good or bad. Everything has an obvious answer to it. Basically, th…the article goes on. "Basically, the unconditioned results in a sort of childlike, carefree glee that comes about when one's imagination can resolve any logistical dilemma. One feature of the unconditioned, a sign of immaturity, is that humans in this state cannot distinguish between the way the world is and the way that it ought to be." I would agree with Neiman that this lack of distinction characterizes much of millennial culture.
Dick: Oh, are you shitting on millennials now?
Maddox: Well, I think it has a lot to do with it. I think millennials are, for a large part, infantilized.
Dick: I mean, yeaaaaaaah. (unsure) I mean, I don't know about that.
Maddox: Well, just look at Reddit. One of the…most of the top voted threads on Reddit…
Maddox: Are just arts and crafts projects that people took some piece of childhood from their nostalgia…
Maddox: And then made it into some pot or pillowcase or quilt or blanket, or some fucking thing. A trinket of some item.
Maddox: And then it's…it's idolized. It's cherished. They think that this is somehow productive or good or something…
Dick: Well, they like it.
Maddox: They make it part of themselves. Look, liking things is fine. We were just talking about this. My friend and I, we went down to Disney World, not the resort, but Disney World Town. Downtown Disney. That's the one. And we were talking about how it's kind of sick how some of these adults go there, just as adults, and just become children? Because you can go to Disneyland and have fun and like it, like you're saying, Dick. But when it becomes part of your identity…
Maddox: That's when it becomes a problem. That's when it becomes infantilism.
Dick: Okay, so this is being said by a guy who wears mostly video game t-shirts.
Dick: How…how am I supposed to reconcile that?
Maddox: Well, I'm not an infant. I wear it because it's part of my aesthetic and I appreciate the artwork style. That's different. You can appreciate art…
Dick: (interjects) That's different than the crafts on Reddit? 'Cause I've seen some crafts, and it look like a lot of craftsmanship…like, it's almost like the craft is so good that the nostalgia part is just irrelevant to it. Like somebody will pixel paint an entire room like the first level of Mario.
Dick: And it's like, "Oh, okay. That's a pretty cool style. That you did that. I get it. That's cool."
Maddox: Yeah. I don't think that they are appreciating the art so much as making it part of their identity.
Maddox: I think that there is a difference, and you can tell these people. You can tell who they are. Because when I'm wearing my video game shirts, I'm an adult wearing a video game shirt because I appreciate the art style, I appreciate the aesthetic, and I appreciate the work that went into it, but it's not part of my identity. It used to be. When I was 16 years old and I started my website, back in 1997. I wrote about video games and I wrote about cartoons that were definitely a part of my identity. In fact, my name Maddox comes from an anime.
Maddox: That was…I mean, that is an intricate, intrinsic part of my identity. Online and offline, right? At that time. It no longer is. I haven't watched that cartoon in ages. I don't identify with it.
Maddox: It's pretty cool. But it's not part of my identity. That's an important distinction.
Dick: What about collecting toys and action figures? Is that infantilizing?
Maddox: It can be. It depends on why you collect them. There's a v…there's a wide range of collectors out there. Some of them collect them for nostalgia. Some of them collect them for money, as an investment.
Dick: (scoffs) Oh, investment.
Maddox: Some of them collect them as aesthetic. They like to have them around. And I would probably fall into the latter category.
Maddox: A little bit of aesthetic, and also the collector aspect. It's fun to collect, sometimes. 'Cause people collect toys. People collect stamps. People collect bottlecaps. People collect lots of things. But if you…if it becomes part of our identity and you start to eat cereal and sit around in pajamas as an adult and then go to parties and color in books?
Dick: Yeah, that's weird.
Maddox: It's kind of disgusting. I have a visceral reaction to that. And I don't know what it is. Maybe it's because when I see an adult, I think that there's some element of sexual maturity there. And if I see them coloring, it suggests stunted psychological growth and I feel uncomfortable about that.
Sean: I know exactly what you mean. It takes her down about all the notches.
Sean: It's like, "Wow, the girl's really hot."
Dick: Oh, my God.
Sean: But ooh, she's really young in the head.
Maddox: Yeah. I really don't like that. It makes me really uncomfortable. And if they were actually emotionally stunted or they had some learning disability, but these are adults I know.
Maddox: Who…who don't fall into that category. I know…I met this girl at a party one time. She has her Master's degree.
Maddox: And…in a very specific field. It's kind of a sciency field, right? She's very smart, very charismatic, and outgoing, and I thought, "this chick is pretty cool". Saw her at the next party. She was coloring in a coloring book.
Maddox: Absolutely shattered my image of her and what I thought of her.
Maddox: And it's not just a judgement of her choice of hobbies, right?
Dick: Because where do video games fit into that?
Maddox: Well, it depends, again. Like, some people play video games, like some of these speed runners I've been watching on Twitch? They are competitive.
Dick: Which, you have a Twitch channel, you should not forget to mention that. (grins)
Maddox: (laughs) What, Dick? What are you implying, here?
Dick: That you've pitched it on every episode since you opened it.
Maddox: Look. Look, man.
Dick: Which I support!
Maddox: I don't give a shit. It's k…it's pretty much capped off. I'm not really promoting it. I have not even mentioned Twitch on Facebook. I don't give a shit.
Dick: I'm just kidding.
Maddox: I mentioned…okay.
Dick: But I do want to know where video games fits into this, because I grew out of them. Like, I don't enjoy them the same as I used to. I just don't.
Maddox: See, I do, because I've always appreciated the challenge of a video game. And I've always appreciated the escape of a video game.
Dick: Escape, I'll give you.
Maddox: And it's not that…yeah. It's challenging and it's fun. And it's an escape. And it's interesting to see the different art styles in video games and so on, and so forth. But if you are playing video games with the mindset of a baby or a child, where you are pretending. You know, that's the other problem that I have with this. Sometimes people play video games, not because they like them, but because they want to identify with a child.
Maddox: They say that they're "young at heart". Or a child at heart. That is code for phony.
Maddox: Piece of shit. Faker. I can sniff them out a mile away.
Dick: Well, I don't like when…I don't like when people act like…I could just say girls. I don't like when girls act like they're in high school, like, they're always keeping tabs on their friends, like, all the time.
Dick: It's really painfully obvious when they haven't grown out of that. I don't know if that's infantilism that you're talking about.
Maddox: Not quite. 'Cause at least high school shows an age of maturity. I'm talking specifically the mindset of a child, like an eight-year-old…
Dick: And this happens?
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know what, Dick? This is, like, the Vine Stars problem? Which you're not familiar with Vine stars, so it's really hard to explain what it's like.
Dick: Well, I know what a Vine is.
Maddox: No, but you gotta…it's a totally different beast, man.
Dick: It's like Instagram.
Maddox: No, no, no. I'm not talking about Vine as a platform, but I just came back from VidCon last weekend.
Maddox: And it has just gotten worse. I went to VidCon two years ago and there were a lot of, like, YouTube celebrities, and again, quotes around the word "celebrities". But they were walking around and all these people were taking pictures of them, you know, because they're supposedly famous people online. This time at Vidcon, there were more cameras pointed at themselves than there were of other people. Everyone at VidCon was a star.
Dick: Oh, 'cause they're recording themselves for their channel, or whatever?
Maddox: I even overheard some guy standing by the bathroom, who was saying…(giggles) he was recording in his vlog or Periscope, or whatever the fuck. He was saying, "well, not many people have recognized me, so I'm just gonna hang out by the bathroom and wait until someone recognizes me." That was his goal. That was…(stammers) just these Vine stars.
Maddox: Entitled shitheads. Anyway. Um, infantilism. I think when you, uh…when you realize it, you'll agree. I also just wanna add this one last thing. It also…there's a type of infantilism called paraphiliac infantilism. It's a sexual fetish that involves roleplaying.
Maddox: A regression to an infant-like state, including drinking from a bottle or even wearing diapers.
Dick: (chuckles) Diapers? (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Sexologist…
Dick: Ahh, that's a bad one. Can you imagine having to tell a girl that? Like, if you were really into that? Like, how to broach that one? (Maddox scoffs) That'd be tough.
Maddox: I can't even imagine the mindset it would take to have to do that.
Maddox: What an asshole!
Dick: 'Cause girls are very open to stuff.
Dick: I feel like. Like, when they wanna bang you…well, not all of 'em, but when they're invested in you, they're open to weird shit like that, but man, that would be a weird conversation to have.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, um…I just want to end on this one last point. "Sexologist John Money says in his book Love Maps…he describes paraphiliac infantilism as a possible adjunctive to masochistic discipline and humiliation."
Maddox: So, people…people get off on this in a way of…I guess, as masochism. And that's what…that's kind of the consensus of psychologists.
Maddox: Yeah. It's pretty weird.
Dick: So why is it a problem? This?
Maddox: (stammers) I mean, everything I just described.
Dick: Well, but that's all, like, annoying. How does it become a problem?
Maddox: Dick. I specifically mentioned how it's a problem, in that it shows emotional immaturity and a lack of ability to cope with problems and challenges in life.
Sean: But what impact on society, is that what you're asking?
Dick: Yeah, what's the impact?
Sean: I mean, how widespread is it?
Dick: Hey, I'm just trying to help you out, Mister Negative Two Thousand.
Dick: How is this a problem?
Dick: People getting off wearing diapers.
Maddox: People who are not able to cope with stresses, pressures, and challenges in society are not equipped to go to war for us.
Maddox: They're not equipped to "save" us. They're not equipped to…they're not survivors. They're not breeders. I want breeders in our society to be hardasses!! I want apex predators gettin' off and having babies, baby!
Maddox: That's what I want. I don't want a bunch of pussies and sissyfoots.
Maddox: Sitting around coloring books. You're not prepared to have a child if you're sitting there coloring in a coloring book, because it's not…you're not going to be an adult role model to your child. You're going to be just another kid to them. And kids aren't equipped to raise kids. Even Peter Pan, at the end of the fucking book, decided to hang his hat, didn't he?
Dick: Peter Pan?
Dick: Uh…no. That was the Robin Williams version where he grew up.
Dick: The real Peter Pan went back to Neverland.
Maddox: Yeah. Neverland. And that…(stammers) ironically what Michael Jackson called his ranch. Neverland. That's…
Dick: I don't think that was ironic. He named it after that.
Maddox: Well, coincidentally, then. That is the ultimate destructive form of infantilism, which is Michael Jackson's life.
(Sound effect: clapping)
Maddox: What's your problem?
Dick: My problem is Hunting Crybabies.
Maddox: Oh! Hunting Crybabies.
Dick: I don't know what to call this. Yeah.
Maddox: Oh, I know…I know what this has to do with, and I was gonna bring this in, Dick, it's a good problem. Let's hear it.
Dick: Yeah, it's this fucking Cecil the lion thing.
Dick: So, there is a famous lion. There's a famous lion on the Internet, Sean. I'm SURE you don't know about this guy. Did you know about Cecil the lion?
Sean: It's on the…it's on the front page of every news site. How could I not know about it?
Dick: He got his ass killed.
Dick: Cecil the lion got shot by a hunter.
Dick: Excuse me, shot by a bow. A crossbow. Not with a gun. Right? So I'm…this was my experience with this. This was my exposure to this. I log on the Reddit, or the Internet, and I see, "Oh, we gotta kill this guy." Right?
Dick: The headline is, "Guy who's worse than Hitler kills an animal." A famous animal. Right?
Maddox: Was that the literal headline?
Dick: I don't…I think it was. (grins)
Maddox: I mean, that's sounds a little bit like hyperbole, but there's just enough, like…
Dick: It's hyperbole, but that's what they all…
Dick: That's what they're saying.
Maddox: That's what they say, yeah!
Dick: I mean, that's what they're saying. And every…that's the worst part about these guys. They're always saying but not saying something. Like, every commenter on the Internet who's talking about Cecil the lion getting shot is suddenly, like, a mob boss.
Dick: They're, like, "You know, I'm not saying he should get…I'm not saying I want to kill this guy, but I am saying if something unfortunate were to happen to him…"
Dick: "You know, I wouldn't shed a tear." It's like, well you're just saying that you want him killed.
Dick: You're just saying it! You're just…you're that person.
Dick: Like, you are now that person on the Internet issuing death threats. It doesn't matter semantically how you phrased it. You got your point across!
Maddox: Everyone is Johnny Law on Reddit. Everyone is Johnny Law on the Internet.
Dick: Oh, on Facebook.
Maddox: They're suddenly Matlock, ready to try and execute this guy! This guy…okay. He poached a lion. That's bad, right?
Dick: He…he didn't poach him. He shot him.
Maddox: No, he poached him.
Dick: Well, see? Here…(stammers) What, were you there? (Maddox giggles) He paid…he paid his 50 grand to go on a hunting expedition in Africa. Which, in my…in my estimation, I don't give a FUCK how many singular animals they are killing to put 50,000 dollars into Africa!
Dick: That's all they have to export. From their point of view, letting a rich, entitled, hunting hobbyist come into their country, and drop, I don't know, how many meals and water pumps and vaccines and solar flowers can that buy? Probably a lot! (angry) It can probably help them more than a lion!
Maddox: Well…yeah, Dick. So that's the argument that…that I made, not for the Cecil the lion case, because that's not what happened here. With the previous girl, there was that previous outrage where a girl went to Africa and she hunted wild game.
Maddox: But she did it legally.
Maddox: She paid…she paid her correct fees and her correct dues and that does go into preservation. Every one of those animals that she kills, the money that she pays for that licensing fee, which I think for a rhino is upwards of $100,000 to $300,000. That goes into preservation efforts and they create…(stammers) Excuse me, it…
Dick: (interjects) God forbid it would go into humanitarian efforts!
Maddox: Well, that too!
Dick: God forbid we just give 100% to humans and fuck the animals, right?!
Maddox: Well, no.
Dick: Why not?
Maddox: Because I think there's…ecologically speaking…
Dick: They're people there!
Maddox: Right, right, right.
Dick: There are people there! Who cares about the animals that are there?! (yelling) There are people!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, ecologically speaking, to have a diverse ecology is beneficial to everyone.
Maddox: (interjects) And those people…
Dick: (interjects) I mean, this is for you, not in the country, saying that.
Dick: I just wanna make that absolutely clear.
Maddox: Dick. I'm on board with this whole problem. I just wanna say that from the…from the outset here.
Maddox: This guy in particular, though, is not one of these guys who is paying…
Dick: Here's what…here's what happened, what I've found. He…he put his 50 grand in.
Dick: He hires his guide, or whatever. The guide's…the guide's driving him around through the hunting preserve. Now, this is…this is where it gets sketchy. Uh, somebody lured the lion out of the preserve with a carcass of some kind.
Dick: Uh, who knows if the dentist did this or knew about this? Then…when the lion got into the hunting area, dentist shoots him. Right? That's it! That's it. That's all we know. Is that true or false? True!
Maddox: Uh, I don't know that, Dick. That…that may be his version of events. What I read online is that he was with the…uh…with the crew with the carcass on the vehicle.
Dick: Of course. But what does he know? Like, oh, so what? He automatically knows that they're trying to lure a lion out of a protected territory?
Dick: Just because he's there with a carcass? Trawling a carcass is what you do to hunt sharks, also.
Maddox: Right, but…
Dick: (interjects) It seems like a smart move.
Maddox: Well, of course. Yeah. But I think the problem, again, Dick. The distinction here is that this guy paid some corrupt official, or…(stammers) not, you know, just some corrupt guy. He wasn't an official part of the…the licensing agency…
Dick: (interjects) So, what? He should have researched him more?
Maddox: Yes. The Game Licensing Agency in Zimbabwe…you can buy proper permits that…to go hunting these animals. But it sounds like this guy just bribed somebody to go shoot this lion.
Dick: According to whom, Internet commenters? Like, this guy has not…said any of the things that you're saying. This poor dentist, whose business, whose place of work is now destroyed by people who are upset that a "famous" lion got shot.
Dick: Right? And "famous" is very important here. (annoyed)
Sean: Yeah. He shot the wrong lion.
Dick: He shot the wrong lion.
Sean: It's a…it's a non-story if he didn't shoot that one.
Dick: Because the…the Zimbabweans or whatever they're called, don't give a fuck that the lion was shot, because to them, lions are predators.
Dick: Because they live in huts!
Maddox: Yeah, I did read an article about how they are attacked by lions. Their elderly are killed by lions.
Maddox: The lions kill their own game and their hunt and etc, etc. Uh, but…when…it's not just that it was a famous lion. That has a lot to do with why everyone's talking about it.
Dick: I think it's 100% that it was famous.
Maddox: No. Because the girl, again, the girl who went. There was that big kerfuffle on the Internet.
Maddox: Back when that girl went on that hunting expedition.
Maddox: And I think she killed a lion as well, or she killed a giraffe and she killed a rhinoceros and some of these other things, but um…she defended herself and rightly so, because she said that she pays those fees, and those fees go into preservation efforts. Those preservation efforts, by the way, create tourism. Eco tourism. A lot of tourists go there, to their country, and they spend money trying to take pictures of those animals.
Maddox: And…that tourism dies off if those animals die off. So if you wanna make the case that it helps the villagers, that's fine, but so does ecotourism and not having those animals there will be much worse to their long-term economy than having them there.
Dick: Yeah. I…I don't think anyone commenting on this issue is thinking about the long-term economic benefits of ecological tourism in Zimbabwe. I think they're just pissed off that their pet lion got shot.
Maddox: Yeah. Well…
Dick: Their anthropomorphized, majestic hero lion that they've loved forever got killed.
Maddox: Yeah, well…
Dick: (interjects) Because…and they always…they go RIGHT for the attack. The first…the first fucking comments. Even Schwarzenegger's ass posted this on Twitter "What do you feel like a tough guy now? Do you feel macho now that you killed a lion? Does that make you feel like a man?" Like, where…where is that coming from? Why is…it's satisfying to kill something. Of course. That's what…that's been in our DNA for millions of years. Of course it is. Of course it's satisfying. Where does…where does this, like, immediately attacking him for wanting to be manly, like do you see how much projection that is!?? Like, "Oh, you're only doing this so you can feel like a man!" No, it's just…it's a hobby! It's exactly the same as a video game. Like, you…it's satisfying to kill things. To stalk them, and go…and I'm not a hunter. Like, I've never been hunting, but I can see how it would be satisfying.
Maddox: Dick, I'm not defending this guy, only because it sounds like what he did was poaching, and…and…I'm not defending this guy, because he's not defending himself. Fuck this guy! Just like the…
Dick: Sorry, what? Say that again? He's not defending himself, so fuck him?
Maddox: I'm not defending this guy because he's not…I'm not defending this guy 'cause he's not defending himself, 'cause I think that he knows what he did is unjustifiable.
Dick: How do you defend yourself against a mob?
Maddox: Well, hold on.
Dick: Who's ruining your…dental practice.
Maddox: Well, I mean…
Dick: That supports your family.
Maddox: That's a…that's a totally different, uh…different argument. I'm…I'm against that mob rule as well. And I think in this case, it's unjustified. I agree that the mob is wrong here, but I also think that the dentist is wrong. But uh…to an extent, it doesn't…
Dick: (interjects) With no facts, though!
Maddox: Well, I mean, there's some…
Dick: The facts that he's done it before doesn't mean that he did it this time.
Maddox: Well, that's true, but…it…it builds a character case.
Dick: Do we not even have time to get in the facts? We need to decide IMMEDIATELY how to punish this man? Because in two days we'll forget about it again!? So we better decide RIGHT NOW while our tempers are hot before any other facts get in?
Maddox: Yeah. That's the mob rule problem, and I think that's a huge problem. I think it's a little bit different than this, though. Um, but that is a big problem with this case specifically. The problem I had with this one is that all these vegetarians took it as an opportunity to shit on everyone who's not a vegetarian. They…used it as a platform to push their agenda. And they did it with the following snarky messages. (dorky voice) "Hey, all you people who have a problem with Cecil the lion getting shot. You should be vegetarians, otherwise you don't have a right to bitch about it."
Dick: That's totally true.
Maddox: No, absolutely not.
Dick: Why is it not? A cow is exactly the…how is a cow any different than a lion?
Maddox: No, first of all…
Dick: (interjects) How is killing 80 million cows every year different than killing a lion?
Maddox: Because, Dick. The cows were raised for slaughter. They're palatable. They're raised for our consumption and we bred them to be that way. Not like the wild lions roaming out into…in the prairies and the savannahs.
Dick: What's the difference?
Maddox: I just explained it.
Dick: It's satisfying to eat meat. It's satisfying to kill a lion. What is the difference?
Maddox: The difference is that one is an endangered species and one is not. One is bred to be killed, one is not. And also, the other difference is, Dick, that vegetarians, to eat their sanctimonious diets, are still contributing to the death of BILLIONS of animals. Those…those threshers, those wheat and soy threshers that they use. Those machines that they use to harvest all the crops that vegetarians eat? Guess what? They're sucking up snakes, rabbits, skunks, possums, squirrels, chipmunks. Birds! Even deer! Countless animals get sucked up into these machines to make your diet! So the sanctimony? Fuck off with your hypocrisy. That's my problem with that.
Dick: Well, which side are you coming in on, then? You think the vegetarians are wrong for criticizing people who are meat eaters for criticizing a guy who killed an animal?
Dick: So none of them are right.
Maddox: None of them are right.
Dick: But at least the vegetarians…(stammers) I mean, at least they're trying not to kill things.
Maddox: Doesn't matter. Try…that's a bullshit…I hate that argument so much. I hate it when they say they're trying not to kill things, 'cause guess what? When you're ignorant, that's an excuse, 'cause you're ignorant, right? But once I've told vegetarians that you're no longer ignorant, your diet is contributing to the death of billions of animals…they're…they're not longer ignorant, right?! They can no longer stand behind that excuse.
Maddox: (interjects) They can eliminate their contribution to the dead animals down to 0 if they planted and picked their own crops. But then they say, "Well that's too inconvenient" for their lifestyle. Well, guess what, dickhead? Sometimes it's too inconvenient for our lifestyles to be vegetarian. If you're gonna make that argument, where do you draw the line in the sand? What's the level of convenience that we should inconvenience ourselves?! How many animals are okay to kill? Tell me that number, dickhead! There is no fucking vegetarian authority.
Dick: All of them!
Maddox: All of them!? Then, how come they're killing billions of animals!? It's bullshit, man! They're just…they're thinking, "Oh, because I kill a third less animals than you, I'm better. I'm morally righteous"? Well, guess what? What if someone comes along and they say, "I kill one less animal than you." Are they then more morally righteous? Fuck you, man!
Maddox: You can't…no. It's not…it's all or nothing. You can't kill one human being and say you're a good guy 'cause you didn't kill 10. You're still a dick.
Dick: No. You…yeah. Sure you can.
Maddox: One maybe…one maybe..no…when you're drawing that moral distinction, you're either a murderer or not. It's binary. You have murdered, or you have not.
Dick: Yeah, but if you did it in an abstract way, you're not as bad. I mean, that's just the way morality works.
Maddox: Well, you say that. I mean, there's clearly a case to be made that that's not the case.
Dick: Well, that's the way society works. You set the…if you set the speed limit to 15 miles an hour, there'd be less deaths. Therefore, setting it at 55 or 75 causes more deaths. You've caused more deaths!
Maddox: If you're saying that…
Dick: (interjects) You're not as bad…you're not as bad as a murderer.
Maddox: If you're saying that you're doing it in an abstract way, you're not as bad, then you just undermined your own argument, 'cause you're saying that meat eaters, then, are doing it in an abstract way.
Dick: They are!
Maddox: 'Cause you're not…okay, then, you're just as culpable as a vegetarian.
Dick: Sorry, you're…I'm just a culpable as a vegetarian?
Maddox: You're no different than a vegetarian. If you're saying that meat eaters kill their animals in an abstract way and you're saying that vegetarians kill their animals in an abstract way…
Dick: I don't think meat eaters kill animals in an abstract way. You got the meat…you got a burger sitting in front of you. You don't know where that came from? It came from a fucking cow.
Maddox: Yeah, but you got a…piece of bread sitting in front of you. You don't know where that came from? It came from a field that killed lots of animals.
Dick: I…yeah. You made that point. I don't know what you're…saying. Like, I don't know why you're bringing that up again.
Maddox: Because that moral relativism that's going on…
Maddox: Between vegetarians saying that they are more morally righteous for not killing, uh, you know. 6 billion animals as opposed to 3? I think that's complete horseshit. And by the way, that doesn't account for the plant life that they're killing. Like, it's just specieism. Which I'm…I'm in favor of. At least I'm honest about it. Vegetarians who eat plants are specieist. Because they think that they deserve to live more than the plant life they're killing. They think that their life is more important than the plants they're killing.
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: And meat eaters are no different, except that they also think that their lives are more important than the animals they're killing.
Dick: Oh, boy! I don't even know what we're talking about anymore.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Dick: You don't like vegetarians. I get it.
Maddox: Well, that's…my problem with this lion thing. Is the vegetarian angle. But…
Dick: (interjects) Which is?
Maddox: This guy's a poacher, though, Dick. I'm pretty sure this guy's a poacher. If he wasn't defending himself…
Dick: (interjects) I mean, you get that…you get that with no evidence.
Maddox: Well, that's what I read.
Dick: Like, you haven't heard the guy's story. The guy not defending himself against a mob is enough for you to convict him.
Maddox: No! B…based on what I read on CNN. I read on CNN that this guy paid a corrupt official $50,000. They found the official…
Dick: (interjects) So what? He…
Maddox: (interjects) And two of…two of them have been arrested.
Dick: (interjects) So he went out there, "Hey, who's corrupt around here?"
Maddox: No. No.
Dick: "I wanna kill a lion. Who's corrupt?"
Maddox: No. There are shady, fly-by-night organizations online that you can pay for a permit that's a fake permit. You know it's a fake permit.
Dick: Oh, you know he knew?!
Dick: There you go! There you go!
Maddox: (interjects) He's not…he's not..
Dick: (interjects) You heard it on CNN!
Maddox: He's not defending himself, Dick. And also, two of these guys were arrested. These Zimbabwean officials he supposedly paid?
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: They were arrested.
Dick: What does that mean?
Maddox: That means that…obviously they weren't official. The…the girl. The permits that the girl bought hers from…
Maddox: Those guys weren't arrested.
Dick: Well…they were on the up and up.
Dick: I assume.
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Right. That's why I don't think that this is exactly the same as the girl.
Dick: Of course it's not the same! It was illegal! Whatever they did was illegal!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: That's why it's a big fucking problem! That's why everyone's on their high horse convicting this poor bastard when I rea….I don't know what he did. And I don't care. I don't care. I don't think anybody…I don't think there's an ounce of altruism in the bones of anybody who has a problem with it. Like, they just want him dead.
Maddox: Yeah. I agree. I totally agree on that point.
Dick: And then…(stammers) and it's exactly the same as the people who wanted that girl dead who did it legally. They don't give a shit whether it was illegal or not. They don't give a shit about ecotourism.
Maddox: (interjects) I'll…I'll…
Dick: They just don't want things killed because they think they're next.
Maddox: I'll agree on that point. (giggles) Well. I'll agree…
Dick: (interjects) They think. That's…they see something and they love it, because they project this stupid, anthropomorphic shit on it. They look at that lion and they project their fucking dads onto it. And when they see it die, it causes them pain, because they feel weak. They think they're next. It's their shitty way of dealing with their own mortality. That's why they get so pissed off.
Dick: Fuck all of 'em! (angry)
Maddox: Also, Disney. I think people like the Lion King, so they…as soon as it's Cecil the lion, they anthropomorphize it, like you said. Sean, do you want to say that word?
Sean: Anthropomorphic. I can say it this week.
Maddox: Uh, but yeah, Dick. I agree on that point. I think that the mob who is mad at this dentist don't give a fuck about altruism.
Maddox: They don't give a fuck about lions. They don't give a shit about anything.
Dick: They don't care about the facts, either.
Maddox: They just want the satisfaction of impugning someone and going after someone with a pitchfork! I totally agree with that.
Dick: Oh! They want the satisfaction of killing something. Wow! That sounds familiar, doesn't it?!
Maddox: Uh-huh. (grins) And by the way, these vegetarians who are getting all haughty and saying that you're not allowed to feel sympathy for this lion. They say you're not allowed b…almost as if it's a joy to feel righteous indignation.
Dick: It is!!
Maddox: You're not allowed to feel this sense of righteous indignation against somebody or something. It's RESERVED. This joy is reserved. They have exclusive monopoly, because they're vegetarians. Fuck you, man. And it's…
Dick: Who gives a fuck if it's endangered, by the way? Like, I would like one logical reason why it's important to protect this species versus getting money into an economy.
Maddox: You mean beyond the ecological diversity?
Dick: Like, what is this, Pokemon? We gotta have all the species? We gotta have all the things? Who fuckin' cares?!
Dick: Like, really. Who cares?
Maddox: No, Dick. It's…biologists care. I will make a case that ecological diversity is good for biology, because when you eliminate a population from a biology, it has unpredictable effects on that bio…on that ecology.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Africa might become a huge shithole.
Dick: Right? If all the lions are killed. Oh my God, watch out! (sarcastic)
Maddox: No. But there's…there's imperceptible ways that when you eliminate an entire species from the food chain, it does…like, you might see an explosion in a certain type of predator or pest that the lions were keeping in check.
Sean: Right, exactly. That's the argument. Is a lion is an apex predator, right? They prey on things that are lower on the food chain.
Dick: That we eat.
Sean: Usually, uh yeah. Grass eaters or whatever. Now, there's a huge influx of grass eaters. They eat all the land barren where farmers can't grow crops anymore.
Sean: I mean, that's…that's the argument, I guess.
Dick: Well, I'm so glad the Internet's full of all these brilliant biologists, then, that they can track that down.
Maddox: Well, I just want to add this, though, Dick. The…the industry of trophy hunting is doing more for preservation than all these bitching shit-tards on the Internet, crying and moaning and trying to kill this guy. This dentist. Who, by the way, I heard even a celebrity tweeted his address. Fuck you, man!
Dick: That sounds about right.
Sean: It was…it was Mia Farrow.
Maddox: Mia Farrow. Fuck her, man.
Dick: Ah, she's not a celebrity.
Maddox: That's fucking bullshit! How about we tweet Mia Farrow's address? See how she likes death threats at her house?! That's fucking bullshit. You don't tweet people's addresses. You don't post their phone numbers. That's fucking garbage. That's crossing the line. But…this eco-tourism and trophy hunting has done more for preservation, because, guess what happens to old lions in the wilderness? We haven't discovered any, because they die. Any lion, antelope, gazelle, rhinoceros, elephant, giraffe…when they get old, they get killed by a predator in the wild! That's why it's called the wild, because it's every animal for themselves. They fend for themselves! Some of these eco-tourism…some of these trophy hunting outfits…they take you specifically to kill old animals that are gonna die pretty soon anyway. So…
Dick: They're preventing younger males from mating. Did you know that?
Maddox: Yeah, that's true.
Dick: Yeah. They'll box…they can't produce offspring anymore, but they do wanna bang, and they do wanna possess the broads in the pack, so they'll drive the younger males away so they can't mate with 'em.
Sean: Well, if they can do that, though.
Sean: If they can't do that, then they get killed by the younger males.
Maddox: They get killed.
Maddox: There are no old animals in the wild. You go to the zoo and you'll see an old tiger, or an old monkey, or an old lion. That's because they're kept in captivity and they're taken care of, but in the wild, as soon as you're old…as soon as you can't run as fast, or as soon as you're not as powerful enough to catch your prey…
Maddox: Then you're gonna get killed. And those animals that get killed in the wild bring in zero revenue to Africa. They just die. So it's better that we have a trophy hunter that brings in $100,000 to that community so it helps conservation efforts, dickheads!
Dick: I did…I did know that, but I read that with lions, it's not the case. Like, with lions, the new lion will come in and kill all of the sired cubs.
Sean: They do. 'Cause they want their bloodline.
Dick: Yeah. So, it's actually really bad specifically for lions. The lion species. Like, it's not…it's not about conserve…'cause that's true for, like, giraffes, and I don't know, rhinocerosauruses, or whatever else.
Dick: But it's not true for lions.
Dick: Uh, but I don't…I don't fucking care. It's their resource to determine what they're gonna do with it.
Dick: It's none of our business. And while we're sitting here, uh, pumping poison into the air, like, every DAY. (stammers) I think that the moral, uh…moral high ground was lost. Like…
Dick: Our…our decadent society throws away enough food to feed the entire world, and we're telling them how they can monetize THEIR animals!?
Dick: Fuck you.
Dick: Fuck off! I don't care where he shot it. Fuck you.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: With a crossbow. Not a gun.
Maddox: Sure. Yeah, man. Um, I agree. I just wish this guy hadn't done it under such shady conditions, because then I could make the case that, uh…for trophy hunting helping the economy. Um, it's kind of like, you know Milo Manara, who created that Spider-Woman cover?
Maddox: Right? The…Spider-Woman ass cover that…the alternate cover that everyone had a shit fit about? He defended himself. He said, "This is not a sexual cover", blablablabla. Something similar happened with a DC comic. Someone created a variant cover where, um…
Dick: Joker is killing, uh…got a gun to a girl's head. Is that the one you're talking about?
Maddox: Batwoman. Yeah, yeah. I think it was Batwoman.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: And they said that it was crossing the line and it was…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. It was very weird.
Maddox: And so the artist cowtowed to the pressure and he pulled the cover. He recalled the cover.
Maddox: Because of the complaints that he got. And all these people hit me up on Twitter. They're like, "Hey Maddox, why don't you write a thing about this just like you did for Spider-Woman's ass?" And I said, "No, fuck this guy. If he's not gonna defend himself, I'm not gonna do it for him!" I'm not gonna fight this guy's battles! You…you stand up for what you believe in! If this guy did it righteously, I think we'd be hearing a different story in the…in the news. I think that that's…that's the slight distinction I think, in this one.
Dick: Oh, man.
Dick: No, that really annoys me. That you expect him to give a defense against millions of people wanting to kill him.
Maddox: Absolutely. Fuck that! He…here's the thing, man. The difference between millions of people wanting to kill you because you did something wrong, and the difference between millions of people wanting to kill somebody who is at least defending himself. I mean, people didn't shit down OJ's neck until at least after the verdict, as much as they did before. I mean, some people thought he did it before, but after the verdict, oh my gosh. He stopped defending…you know. But OJ's…maintained his innocence.
Dick: This is not a celebrity. This guy is not OJ Simpson. This is the first time he's ever…I don't even know if he has a Reddit account, or a Twitter account. He'd have to learn what those are to figure out…
Dick: …the things that everybody's saying, but not saying about him.
Dick: You should be shot, but you know, I also think there's too much gun violence.
Dick: But if there EVER WAS a justifiable case for gun violence, this would be it. It's like, congratulations, you're a part of the problem! Way to go.
Maddox: It's such a…it's such an Old World, medieval, pitchfork crowd dipshit mentality. They just want to feel righteous anger. That's all this is.
Maddox: Good problem, Dick.
Dick: Yeah. It really annoys me.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. I guess if it comes out that this guy wasn't poaching, then I'll change my stance a little bit. 'Cause then he's totally justified, guys! It helps the economy. It helps lions in the long run.
Dick: Yeah. I don't think it helps lions in the long run, but I also don't care if he was poaching.
Maddox: So, Dick. You know I had a problem with infants? Well, infantilism, but…
Maddox: They're a type of infant. You know what another type of ant is? Ants. (Dick chuckles)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Ants. ANTS and AIDS. Those are the two big problems I always talk about at the top of the show.
Dick: I hope you do a better job with ants than you did with AIDS. (grins)
Maddox: I hope so too, buddy. (they both laugh)
Dick: 'Cause I hate ants. I…fucking hate ants!
Maddox: Oh! Good. I thought you were gonna…
Dick: (interjects) I grew up on an anthill, man. Where I grew up is one giant, I don't know. Cubic 20 miles of fucking anthill. They're everywhere. They ruin grass. They ruin sitting. Like, they just…they crawl all over everything. It's like the Grey Goo problem with Nanobots, but ants. They ruin lives.
Maddox: They pinch your cheeks. Aunts. (laughs)
Dick: Jesus Christ. (grins)
Maddox: Whatever! I thought that was a good joke!
(Sound effect: Audience laughing)
Maddox: (giggles) Okay, Dick. Ants. The number one suggestion on Google when you type "How to get rid of…" is ants.
Maddox: Number one. You know what number two is?
Dick: Mexicans. (Sean and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: Just a reminder, Dick is Mexican. That joke is okay.
Dick: Half Mexican. It's half okay.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Sean: Just the good half. (they laugh)
Dick: Yeah. You're right. (saucy)
Maddox: His left half.
Maddox: Uh, you know what the number two result is? It's "How to get rid of…" carpenter ants.
Dick: Oh, another type of ants? (grins)
Maddox: Another type of ant. So, ants are so bad, they are both the number one and number two search result when you type in "how to get rid of…". Then it's acne, lice, bedbugs. Ants are worse than all these things.
Dick: Worse than acne? (giggles)
Maddox: Worse than acne.
Dick: Oh, fuck.
Maddox: Worse than acne scars. Worse than hiccups. Your problem, Dick. Vote down Hiccups, vote up Ants!
Dick: Well, you don't need to vote DOWN hiccups. (Maddox chuckles) You can just vote up Ants.
Maddox: Okay. Vote up Ants.
Dick: Don't be an asshole.
Maddox: (laughing) Then…"how to get rid of a cough", "how to get rid of fleas", and "how to get rid of cramps". Cramps are not as bad as ants, apparently.
Maddox: Cramps are not as b…I would rather have a cramp than an ant.
Dick: You'd rather have a menstrual cramp than an ant?
Maddox: I think so. (Dick giggles) I could…(stammers) I could have menstrual cramps all day.
Dick: Yeah. (giggles) It's true.
Maddox: I'd rather have that, though. Because ants are so hard to get rid of.
Dick: They're impossible.
Maddox: Yeah. Ants raid your food storages. They damage your housing. They damage crops and they bite you! They bite you…they bite your dick off! Well, they bite you in the dick, at least. Maybe your dick. I dunno. "Their ability to adapt makes it nearly impossible to eliminate entire colonies. " There's a 13-page article on http://www.readersdigest.com on how to get rid of pests. These ants.
Maddox: The first suggestion is to create a moat around a food source made out of adhesive tape. You gotta create a moat of tape around a food source to bait the ants into coming in there.
Dick: Yeah. Or chalk. Chalk will work, too, if you draw a chalk outline around you? They can't cross it. Like, whatever, their chemicals can't cross over it.
Maddox: They're like the vampires of the insect world.
Maddox: No, but that's true, actually. Chalk is on this list.
Dick: See, I told you! I grew up on an anthill. I hate 'em!
Maddox: Uh, boric acid is also supposed to help, but you have to spray boric acid along all the cracks in your house. But boric acid is toxic. If you have dogs or cats, it's pretty toxic to them.
Maddox: Or even kids. Infants. Another kid of "ant". You can use flour.
Maddox: I guess flowers don't like to cross a trail of flour…
Dick: Ants don't like to cross flour?
Maddox: They say flour for a number of reasons. First, so you can see if they do cross it, it leaves a trail.
Maddox: But then, second, ants don't like to cross flour for some reason.
Maddox: And…and then they also suggest pouring boiling water on an anthill. That's supposed to help.
Dick: Oh, that's not gonna fucking work.
Maddox: No! No way.
Dick: One gallon of anthill?! Good luck.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Good luck.
Dick: You got a real big ant problem if you can fix it by pouring a tea kettle of boiling water down it.
Maddox: Ants are disgusting creatures that live in giant colonies. They're kind of like, umm…you know, you know what I bet ants do in their spare time? They probably color. In coloring books.
Dick: You think so?
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Just tying it back. Um, ants…so, here's the thing. Here's why that tea kettle thing won't work, with ants. Because they did this experiment, I think, in Australia, where they poured…they pumped a bunch of cement down an ant hole, right? An ant hill? Um, to see the structure of an ant colony. So they poured all the cement down there, left it to settle for, like, two-three weeks.
Dick: I thought that was aluminum. Might be a different thing, but…I've seen it.
Maddox: Yeah, I've seen the aluminum one, too. It might be the same one. It might be a mixture, but whatever. They poured some cement…either cement or aluminum down this ant structure, right? And they found out that the structure is over 50 square meters long.
Maddox: It's 100 square feet. That's 164 square feet. This ant hill. And I'll post the video on the website, but this is an incredible structure. It's so huge and disgusting. It looks like the Mother Brain from Metroid?
Maddox: You know, Metroid, my favorite female video game character? (jokes)
Maddox: It looks like the Mother Brain from that. Um…(stammers) This is from, uh…I think this is from Wikipedia, or Reader's Digest, I forget, but…"Worker ants live from one to three years old and queen ants can live up to 30 years." (Dick grunts) That means if you buy a house and get a 30-year mortgage, you might die before you get rid of your ant problem.
Maddox: You might not even pay off your house!
Dick: You can't get rid of them. You cannot get rid of ants.
Maddox: Oh, they're terrible! They're terrible insects. This is from Wikipedia. They say, "In some parts of the world, mainly in Africa and South America, large ants, especially army ants, are used as surgical sutures."
Dick: Oh, that's pretty…useful.
Maddox: Yeah, I guess it's kinda useful, yeah. I mean, if you're in Africa and you don't have anything else, you just have ants. They…(giggles) The wound is pressed together and the ants are applied along it. The ant seizes the edge of the wound in its mandibles and locks it in place. Yeah, that sounds pretty useful, Dick…but if I'm suffering from a cut or a wound or a gash on my body…
Maddox: I think that…there are few things that are more close to a horror hellscape than having ant mandibles hold me together. (Dick chuckles)
Maddox: You know what…you know what, doctor, just put a bullet in my head! Send me out with Cecil the lion. Lemme fend for myself.
Dick: The doctor probably doesn't have a bullet in these circumstances. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. Then just…whatever it is you guys do to kill me, put me in a stu…like, whatever it is. Send me out into the wild. Just let me have a final rite of passage. Throw me off a cliff. I'm done. I don't want ant mandibles holding my wounds closed. I don't need it! I don't need to live that bad. I'm good.
Dick: Yeah. I hate 'em.
Maddox: Yeah. Ant…ants are a big problem!!
Maddox: We're agreeing. We're in agreement, here.
Dick: Yep. Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Have you ever had ants in your apartment? In any of your apartments?
Dick: Um…(sighs) No, not in my apartment, because I live way too far off the ground. Um, I'm trying to think. It was in the house where I grew up.
Dick: There was ants. Like, every…we had to wash every dish. We couldn't leave anything out, because there would instantly be ants. If…anything in the pantry that was left open even a little bit, ants.
Dick: Like, boom, these motherfuckers, you see their line coming in and…
Dick: That's it.
Maddox: They can carry…
Dick: (interjects) Food ruined.
Maddox: They can carry something like 50 times their weight. They're really strong. They're the jocks of the insect world.
Dick: They are.
Maddox: Yeah, fuck those guys. Serve me my French Fries, buddy. That's all I want you to do. These ants. Which I don't even eat, 'cause fries are garbage. Vote up Fries. Um…here's…
Dick: (interjects) So you would be okay with poaching ants?
Maddox: Oh, absolutely.
Dick: Wide-scale slaughter of ants? (grins)
Maddox: I'll…you know what, I'll tell you what I did. Here's my first experience with ants, really. Like, as a child, I would always, you know. Burn them with a magnifying glass.
Maddox: Or pick them up and put them in a molten pool of plastic, 'cause I would melt army men.
Maddox: One time, I went…I was in my garden growing up, at my parent's house. And we had this huge acre of property. We had a lot of…we had an orchard. And in that orchard, we had these fire ants. Fire ants are more aggressive than regular ants. They're kind of…they're red in color and they're very aggressive, and they will bite you. Their sting isn't as bad as a bee sting, but pretty close. It's up there. So I went out there one time and I watching…they would build these giant anthills in my backyard, and these things probably came up about a good foot off of the ground. Above the surface. Like, huge anthills. So I'd go down there and I would fuck around with the ants. I…I would…one day, I took a bunch of dirt and I just buried the anthill.
Maddox: Went back there the next day. Back exactly the way it was.
Maddox: Like, how the fuck…what do they, just work all night fixing my mess?
Dick: Yep. That's all they do.
Maddox: So then I decided rather than burying it, I was gonna dig it. I was gonna dig it out. So I dug a huge hole. And then I came back the next day, the hole's filled. It's…they refilled the hole. They rebuilt their stupid little castle, right?
Maddox: So then I went back the next day with a bunch of firecrackers, and I just shoved 'em down that fucking hole, I'm like, "Yeah, fuck you, ants!" Blew the shit out of it. Eh, came back the next day. I mean, this went on for like, a week and a half.
Dick: You can't kill them.
Maddox: No. I mean, I didn't have much to do. This was summer break. Uh, in Utah. So what the fuck am I doing, right? So I went back there again.. finally, this time I dug a hole as deep as I could, poured a bunch of gasoline right down there, and set it on fire. I'm like, fuck these ants! And then I watched the ants. They would come out from the side of the hole that I built, right? 'Cause their colony goes off to the left and to the right.
Maddox: And forward and backward, right? So these ants were coming out into the Sarlacc pit of Hell that I created for them, and it would fall right into the pit, and I sat there watching these fuckers fall into my…my fire pit for hours…(grinning) It was great! It was a good time. Well, not…maybe an hour total. But…you know. I didn't have enough gasoline. I'm just a kid. So anyway, man.
Dick: Well, I would vote up Ants.
Dick: I dunno how high it should go, though.
Maddox: Yeah. Higher than AIDS! (laughing)
Dick: I…I hope it is. (laughing)
Maddox: From AIDS to Ants.
Sean: They certainly inconvenience more people.
Dick: That's true! That's true.
Maddox: You know…
Dick: I assume.
Sean: Unpopular, but…(laughs)
Maddox: You know what, thought, Sean? You know what's more inconvenient than having to deal with ants? Going to a funeral. That's a bummer. Then you gotta get all dressed up and you gotta…you know.
Dick: Alright, is that it? I got a fast…I got a fast one, 'cause we're out of time. Uhh, Piss Driblets.
Maddox: (laughing) Piss Driblets?
Dick: Yeah. When is the last time you wore khaki pants as a man and not worried about piss driblets?
Maddox: Ugh. Huge problem! 'Cause when they dry, they leave behind that little…white stain, right?
Dick: Yeah. And it's worse than a piss driblet at that point.
Dick: It's like a phantom…phantom cum spot.
Maddox: Yeah. (sighs) It's cum…that could…it SHOULD be…you know what? Look. If people are gonna assume I have cum on my pants, I want it to be cum.
Dick: (cracks up) Yeah.
Maddox: I don't wanna be…I don't wanna be chastised for having jizz stains when it's not jizz! Might as well be jizz. If you think it's jizz, it might as well be jizz!
Dick: I'm less embarrassed about a jizz stain, which I have accidentally done.
Dick: Hey. It happens. Uh, than I am about piss driblets. And this is…and we're in a warm climate. Right? You go to, like, a cold climate? Man, I'm shooting, like, a whole piss stream into my pants after going to the bathroom.
Dick: 'Cause it's cold!
Maddox: What does that have to do with it? I don't understand…why do you have more piss driblets in your pants after it's cold?
Dick: I don't know. Your…I…I always just assumed that my prostate didn't work the same in a cold temperature.
Dick: Is that…does no one else have this experience?!
Dick: Oh shit, maybe I need to go to the doctor.
Sean: Yeah. You got, like, snot for piss in cold climates?!
Dick: No, no, no, no, no! (Maddox giggles) Like, you go to the bathroom, like, let's say you're…I don't know. Let's say you're skiing or something. You're somewhere where it's very cold. And you got some…enough so you've got, like, a significant amount of shrinkage. It's like where you've got, like, a Slim Jim for a dick at that point. (Sean cracks up)
Dick: You know?
Dick: Where you've gotta work it just to get the pee out.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. And can you tell all the ladies who are listening right now that there's shrinkage when it's cold? That's a normal thing!
Dick: Everyone knows that.
Sean: It shrinks?!?!
Dick: Yeah, everybody knows that. Shrinkage.
Sean: Come on, that's Seinfeld.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: Like a frightened turtle.
Maddox: From Seinfeld, yeah.
Maddox: So…so that's the time that you dribble on yourself more.
Dick: That's the time…yeah. Then you go to the bathroom in, like, that kind of atmosphere. Man, as soon as you zip up, it's like, that's when the pissing starts.
Maddox: You know what I hate?
Dick: That never happened to you!?!? (worried)
Maddox: No, man.
Maddox: No. I pee just fine in the cold.
Dick: But it's…but it's the after pee. That I'm talking about.
Maddox: That more pee comes out?
Dick: So you know…yeah. Well, you know where piss driblets happen? Like you're peeing, right? And you shake it off. And then you put your pants on, and like, "Ah, goddamnit". Like a little squirt of piss came out.
Maddox: You know…
Dick: Or it flicked off the tip, or something.
Maddox: Yeah, no, I get it. That just doesn't happen to me more in the cold.
Dick: And more squirts out in the cold!
Maddox: No, it doesn't. That doesn't happen to me. You know, Dick, a long time, ago…
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: …I was talking to a friend in…IRC called, I think his handle was the Ghost. I don't…I can't even imagine he's listening at this point, but um…I think he…I don't know if he came up with this, but he said, "You can wiggle it, you can jiggle it, you can bang it against the wall, but until you put it in your pants, the last drop won't fall."
Maddox: And that's the fucking…that is the fucking truth. Here's something I notice as an adult, and I don't know…I don't know, maybe this…I just didn't notice as a kid, or maybe it didn't happen, but as an adult, sometimes when I pee, I, uh…you know, if I'm sitting down and I'm pooping and I also take a leak, I pull my pants up.
Maddox: Right? And you get that last drop, and it has this perfect line of sight access to my toes. It drops all the way through…through my boxers, it misses my boxers, misses my shorts…
Dick: Oh, I know what you're talking about. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. And it hits your foot.
Maddox: And then you're looking down like you're some fucking Neanderthal pissing all over yourself.
Dick: You just got piss all over your foot.
Maddox: Like, I thought…I think to myself…in what situation would I ever have pee on my foot outside of the shower? 'Cause I pee all over everything in the shower.
Dick: Sure. It's good for you.
Maddox: It is.
Maddox: Kills athlete's foot.
Dick: It kills fungus.
Maddox: There is NO fungus on my feet!
Dick: (laughing) How many guys you got in there pissing on you? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! That's not funny!
(Sound effect: 'wrong' buzzer)
Dick: I mean, I got these…I got these brand new khaki pants. (grins)
Dick: I got 'em hemmed and tailored and I was really happy to wear 'em, and the first time I go out in 'em, boom. Piss driblets. I'm like fuck, this is why I never wear khakis.
Maddox: Where you going to? Your job at AT&T? (laughs)
Dick: I was trying to bring khakis back, like, I thought that they would look nice.
Maddox: No. They're already here, Dick, they haven't left. Just go to the Midwest. If you go to Disney Land or Six Flags, you can tell the people who are visiting versus the people who are…who are natives, because the people who are visiting, that's their uniform. Khaki pants, khaki shorts, cargo shorts, blue shirt. That's everybody who comes to visit California. (giggles)
Dick: Well, that's my problem. Piss Driblets.
Maddox: Piss Driblets. Which, also…Dick, it's a big problem for women. I didn't know this until recently…
Dick: Really?! (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah. Women won't go to the bathroom unless they can get at least one square of toilet paper, because they wanna wipe down there, I guess.
Dick: That makes sense. Yeah, they definitely wanna wipe down there.
Maddox: Yeah. It gets all goochy.
Dick: But, the…that doesn't help piss…the kind of piss driblets I'm talking about. Like, even if you get the tip clean, more's still coming out. More's just waiting. Waiting in the rafters.
Dick: To spring out as soon as you get that zipper up.
Sean: Yeah. It saves a little in the chute.
Dick: Fuckin' penis. Always working against you.
Maddox: You know, um, what I thought of recently, Dick? This is…I guess I'll just…I just want to add this to your story, but…I was thinking…I was sitting around daydreaming about my penis awhile back.
Maddox: And I was thinking, like, hoses. I was thinking about hoses. And how, you know how when you turn on a garden hose, you can put your thumb over the tip and kinda squirt it really far?
Maddox: Like high pressure? So I thought, I'm gonna try that with my dick? Why have I never done that with my dick? I could just kinda do that like a hose.
Dick: Oh, did you find out the reason why you've never done that?
Maddox: (laughs) Oh, I sure did.
Maddox: (laughing) But I wanna see if you think it's the same reason. So I went in the shower…
Sean: You shot yourself in the face.
Maddox: (laughing) No. No, Sean. I didn't shoot myself in the face. Stop fantasizing. I know you're thinking about it. So I went in the shower, I built up a good piss, right? I drank, like, three cups of water.
Maddox: I'm like, I'm gonna piss everywhere! (proud) So I got in the shower, I put my thumb over my peehole and started peeing, and it just hurt really bad.
Maddox: And I…I tried to pee harder. (Dick laughs) It just blocked myself! My pee stream!
Maddox: And I tried to pee harder, and I could feel, I think my kidneys started to hurt!
Maddox: And I'm thinking, "Oh, this can't be good for me." So I finally started to pee, and it just, like, stung when it came out, because it had been so backed up. Uh, awful. Awful experience.
Dick: So don't do it.
Dick: Don't do that.
Maddox: The reason is 'cause your body can't build enough pressure for you to use it like a garden hose.
Maddox: Yeah. All the pressure that you should exert through your peehole is all the natural peehole that your, what is it, stomach, I guess?
Dick: Bladder, it's called.
Maddox: Bladder? Yeah, but the muscles that contract the bladder? Is it just the bladder?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Whatever, I'm not a doctor.
Dick: It's just the bladder. I think there's a sphincter holding it in and you gotta relax that, and that's how you pee.
Dick: I don't think it works like a whoopee cushion.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I found that out the hard way. (Dick guffaws) I just had a bunch of lukewarm piss in my hands.
Dick: Alllllllllllright. Sounds like a fun night.
Maddox: It was in the sh…it was in the shower, man! (defensive) That's where you go to get clean, so it doesn't matter what you do! Do whatever you want in there.
Dick: It kinda matters.
Dick: If you're doing that stuff, that's weird.
Maddox: No. Come on. Girls love that.
Dick: They…they do love it.
Dick: They do love messing around with piss.
Maddox: Oh, they love it.
Maddox: They like to dab some on their ears.
Dick: No, I'm being serious. (Maddox laughs) They do love it.
Maddox: Me too!
Dick: They…dab it on their ears? (skeptical)
Maddox: Well, you know. They…it's a pheromone.
Dick: Wait a minute.
Maddox: You get pheromones from your piss.
Dick: So…they…you've encountered women who do this? Put piss on their ears?!
Maddox: I have read that some women do this, yeah.
Dick: There's a little piss in your ears.
Maddox: They put a little bit of piss on their neck, or whatever, 'cause it's erogenous. You smell those pheromones. You pee out pheromones, man.
Dick: Oh, I really hope that that's not true.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Dick: Alright. You got my problems. Hunting Crybabies and Piss Driblets.
(Closing theme riff starts)
Maddox: And my problems were Infantilism and Ants!!! Big problem. Vote up Ants. (pauses) And infantilism.
Dick: See you next Tuesday. (they all laugh)
(Voice mail: (female voice): "Hi, guys! So I came to a realization while watching the live episode about Dick and his tiny face.
Dick: Jesus Christ.
"The thing is, his face isn't small."
Dick: Thank you.
"He just has an abnormally large forehead in comparison to the rest of his face." (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Well, how big is your fucking forehead?!
"I mean, I'm not saying that's totally a bad thing, he rocks, but it's not Small Face Syndrome, it's just Five Finger Forehead Syndrome. I'm surprised no one else has really mentioned that before. (they laugh) Maddox. Hey. This time, you can go fuck yourself, and Dick, you can join from behind.")
Maddox: Ohohohooo!!! (Dick laughs) I will to this voice mail. This chick sounded hot!
Dick: How…how many fingers did she say my forehead was, five?
Maddox: F…yeah….you're holding up five fingers on your forehead…(laughing)
Dick: No, no, no, no, no. This is…I got four fingers from my eyebrows to my hairline.
Maddox: Yeah, that's…I dunno, man.
Dick: That's four fingers.
Maddox: I mean, I'm a balding dude, and I don't even think I can fit that many fingers on my forehead.
Dick: Yeah, you got like 18 hands high of a forehead.
Maddox: I don't think so.
Dick: Like a horse.
Maddox: You're a…HOW…(angry) you call me a horse?!?!! How dare you!?! (Sean cracks up)
(Sound effect: Horse neighing)
Maddox: Look at that stupid fucking laugh.
Dick: I got one more.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hi. I'm Maddox. (Maddox laughs) And I'm fucking awesome. However, even though I worked as a programmer for many years, and even though I wrote a whole TWO THOUSAND lines of code for my book, whoa!!!"
Maddox: Fucking idiots. (Dick cracks up)
"I still can't figure out how the FUCK Dropbox works!!!"
"Hell, I can't even install iTunes on my computer."
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles)
"This is because the software is bad."
Maddox: Yep. (Dick guffaws)
"Even though millions of people every year who know nothing about computers manage to use these services."
Dick: Well. (sighs)
"It's definitely not because I have some sort of weird, philosophical objection to these services."
"And try to use them in a way that was not intended so that when they don't work, I can complain about it…"
Maddox: (angry) You mean to download my files, you fucking asshole?!!? (Dick cracks up)
"…on my podcast! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.")
Maddox: Fuck this guy!
Dick: That was great.
Maddox: This flaming shitbag! Listen here, you slack-jawed, gullible, mouthbreathing, dullard idiot! You're such a moron! Here's the thing. When I'm downloading lots of files from Dropbox…
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: I shouldn't have to worry about the amount of space I have on my own quota?!
Maddox: For it to compress the files! They should use that in their own internal space so I can download it, Dick! Your argument last time that "it can't download multiple streams"? Guess what, dipshits! Figure it out!! Why don't you use your own temporary storage?! (Dick guffaws) Why should I have…why should I have to pay for 8 gigs of storage if I wanna download 4 gigs of data. Fuck you!! Figure your shit out, Dropbox engineers! Morons!! Keep voting down that problem! I don't give a shit! Dropbox is garbage! You're garbage!
Dick: You're too busy trying to figure out if you can plug your dick while you're peeing. (Sean cracks up, Dick joins in)
Maddox: What's so funny?!!? That's…that's a scientific experiment! (upset) I thought about…
(File cuts off)