Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 63
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code "biggest".
(Theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Ants to AIDS. With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or should not be on the big list of problems. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. We have, also, in studio today with us, is a good friend of ours, Austin Blank. Friend of the show. Welcome, Austin Blank.
Austin: Oh, hey, guys. Thanks for having me.
Dick: Super high energy! (sarcastic) Alright, happy you're here, Austin!
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Good job, Austin.
Austin: You guys are great.
Dick: Hey, lemme clear up a misconception first, before you get any further. Because I know people are gonna bring this up in the comments. Um, we had…we had an episode a while ago. "Guys Who Need to Get Laid".
Austin: Oh, what the f-….
Dick: (interjects) And, no, no, no, no.
Dick: And I was telling a story about a guy who was cockblocking me like it was part of a scavenger hunt.
Austin: This is the cat and fiddle story.
Dick: Yes. Yes. And…Baby Huey. And, um…Maddox, you mistakenly thought I was talking about Austin.
Dick: And we didn't clear that up at the time.
Dick: But I wanna say that this is…it was absolutely not Austin.
Dick: (interjects) We were talking about different guys.
Austin: I encourage people to have sex. All the time.
Dick: You absolutely do.
Austin: That's what I do.
Maddox: Uh, Austin, if you guys have seen my Comic-Con photos from the previous years, he was the Slave Leia and a big baby.
Austin: Slave is a strong word. (Maddox and Dick giggle)
Dick: What do you prefer?
Austin: Indentured Servant Leia.
Maddox: Indentured Servant…
Dick: Great. (grins) Alright.
Maddox: So, that was Austin. Also, Austin has been immortalized in one of my books. I thanked him for absolutely nothing in my second book. 'Cause he called me up and we were talkin' on the phone and he's like "Hey man, uh, can I get a shout-out in your book?" and I'm like, "No, you didn't help me." And he goes "Well, can you…what about that?" and I'm like "Alright, I'll thank you for nothing." (scoffs) And so…the very last line in my second book is "Thanks for nothing to Austin Blank".
Austin: And immortalize is also a very strong word. (Maddox and Austin laugh)
Dick: Are you gonna help him out with this new book?
Austin: Yeah, I'm pretty much writing the whole book myself.
Maddox: Mmmm. (annoyed)
Austin: And then he's gonna get all the credit for it.
Dick: What's it about?! Tell us!
Austin: Well…it's a work in progress, so I can't be giving away the secrets. That's how we get you to pay money to buy the book. (giggles)
Dick: Always the tease, huh?
Maddox: Always the marketer. Thank you, Austin. (Austin laughs) So, last week, guys…(drumroll) the Biggest Problem…was People Who Don't Value Science. Our guest, Robin Higgins. Her problem came in number one!
Dick: Yeah. Second guest win.
Maddox: Followed by Trans Fats and Partially Hydrogenated Oils, which was my problem, and then yours, Dick, Initiating a Conversation.
Maddox: Came in last. But it was still in the positive territory.
Dick: Yeah. I think over time, that's gonna win out, though. Because, like, as more and more of these people who don't value science and people who are too into outrage porn, and people who aren't as smart as meeeee…(whiny, nasal voice), as more of those problems come in…
Dick: It's gonna get diluted and my Initiating the Conversation is gonna go psssssshooooooo! Shoot up to the top ten.
Maddox: (giggles) I think it's gonna shoot up into the exact same range that it's at right now and people will forget about it and never vote it…(laughs)
Austin: Hmmm. I don't know how the guest speaker goes, but every time you say people, I just hear you say "Peepoo".
Maddox: I heard that too. I heard Peepoo. (giggles) Yeah.
Austin: Can I say that?
Dick: Well, can you hear this?
("Maddox Lost" theme song plays)
Maddox: What the fuck is this?
Dick: You lost.
Maddox: What are you talking about?
Dick: You lost. Robin beat you.
Maddox: Okay. It's still not a loss. I mean, it's still not a contest.
Dick: Well, I'm not the winner, but you lost.
Maddox: Alright. Inappropriate. Inappropriate song.
Dick: How is that inappropriate? Robin won!
Maddox: 'Cause…well, what is the…
Dick: (interjects) She deserves some credit.
Maddox: Okay, first of all, no one wins in this show. Still. Uh, it's not a contest. And second, the, uh…the song wasn't changed to say "Robin".
Dick: You want me to go back and edit it?
Maddox: Definitely not.
Dick: I can play it again next week.
Maddox: No! No. Anyway, Dick, I got a comment from Ryan Herbs.
(Austin burps loudly)
Maddox: Good job, Austin. (giggling in the background) I got a comment. I got a comment from Ryan Herbs, or Herbs (hard H), I'm not sure how to pronounce it.
Austin: I like "Eeeeeeeeeeeeerbs".
Maddox: Okay, well, it's Ryan "Erbs". Uh, he said, "Missed opportunity to call the play Deep Space Sixty-Nine".
Dick: Oh, I saw that one.
Maddox: Last time, Robin was talking about…we were talking about Star Trek puns, and Deep Space Sixty-Nine. I thought that was good.
Maddox: I also got a comment from Daniel E. Warren. He says, "Dick's "ask them about their dad" line…his seduction method in action." And then he linked to that Bill Cosby article. Did you read that Bill Cosby article, Dick?
Dick: Uh, yeah, what was…I didn't read it. I just read the headline.
Maddox: Yeah. There's an article, basically, where Bill Cosby used concerns about a chick's father to seduce them.
Dick: Yeah. Well, you know.
Maddox: Real creepy.
Dick: I mean, it works…you can use it for good or evil.
Dick: Austin, what do you think about that line? Ask a girl about her dad.
Austin: What…what, you go to a girl at a bar and ask her, like, "What's up with your dad?"
Dick: Well, here's the theory. When you're talking to a girl for a little bit, in order to enhance the intimacy between you. In order to deepen the connection, the bond that you're trying to…that you're experiencing…(Austin snorts) you ask them about their father. It's very…very simple.
Dick: Very simple.
Austin: Do I remind you of your father in any way?
Dick: That's a good way to do it.
Dick: Yeah. What do you think about that?
Austin: I don't know.
Dick: Okay! (giggles) (Austin laughs) Hey. Another great drop-in.
Maddox: Another great drop-in. (Austin still laughing) Thank you, Austin Blank.
Austin: I…gotta think about these things. I'll probably come back at the end of the show with an idea about that.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Unlikely. I'm not betting on it. (Austin laughs) I don't think so.
Dick: Thank you for absolutely nothing.
Dick: I get where that's coming from, now. (Maddox laughs)
Austin: You just brought up my dad issues and you went really deep into me all of a sudden. (Maddox and Dick laugh) And I'm like, "You know my dad's dead, right?" and then I just went off on a tangent in my head.
Maddox: See, Austin, that is exactly why I think it's a bad thing to bring up chicks.
Austin: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Because if they have either a bad relationship with their father, or no father, or a deadbeat father, then it's going to put them in a negative headspace.
Austin: I think a big problem in life is family. So when you go directly…
Maddox: Ho ho ho. (scoffs)
Austin: When you go directly into the family thing, you're kinda like, "Oh, you just get beat as a child?" Like, oh, good line, buddy.
Dick: Hmmm. (slowly realizing maybe it's not such a great line after all)
Maddox: Go vote up Families, people! I brought in the very first show, Families. Is my number one problem.
Austin: Family hits it close to home, every time.
Maddox: Yeah. Families are awful. Unless you have a good family, which very few people do. Everyone has family issues.
Austin: Everybody has a problem with some part of their family.
Dick: You guys are very cynical.
Austin: Or they are the problem.
Dick: You guys are like "a dad is half empty" kind of guys.
Maddox: You've just…you've…(giggles) just never had a shitty..
Dick: You're very cynical!!! (grins)
Maddox: You've just never had a shitty family, so you don't know what it's…what, like, the agony…
Austin: (interjects) You lived in a house of love, Dick.
Dick: I did.
Austin: And that's…that's rare.
Dick: And I still live in a house of love.
Maddox: Yeah. Dick's family's great, but for the rest of us…
Austin: You didn't move out of your parent's home yet? (giggles)
Austin: Oho…sorry. Okay. Was that the…
Maddox: No. I was just gonna say that for the rest of us who have terrible, miserable families…A family, a bad family, is kind of like a lifelong…it's a chronic disease.
Maddox: You can't get rid of it. Until they die. And even when they die, it's still more agony, 'cause your other family members, if they're shitty, they're just gonna bicker and pick over the inheritance with you. It's just awful.
Dick: Can't…can't you just ignore them?
Maddox: Uh, you can. Yeah, it's possible. But they'll find a way of getting a hold of you. Look at that chick who pretended to be black. Uh…what's her name? Dolezal? Dopezal? (Austin giggles and burps) You know who I'm talking about?
Dick: Yes, yes. Everyone knows her, yeah! (giggles)
Dick: But what does she have to do with it?
Maddox: She tried to ignore her fucking family. She wanted to just go be black in her own privacy! (yelling) (Dick guffaws) And her family had to just root her out and narc on her. "Hey guys, she's a whitey!"
Dick: Oh, so you're saying family is a problem, because this woman didn't get away with her Scooby Doo, like, I'm gonna be a black Civil Rights leader. (Maddox laughs) By tanning herself like Kramer. (Sean cracks up) On Seinfeld.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: And wearing…wh…did she have cornrows, or did she just frizz her hair out?
Dick: So she looked like that.
Maddox: She had curly hair. But look, she…
Dick: (interjects) So her family busted her. (grins)
Maddox: She…she wanted to be left alone. She wanted nothing to do with her family. I've been…I've been contacted by strange family members who I wanted nothing to do with, and then it…it turned into drama. It's always drama.
Dick: What did they want?
Maddox: They'll find you. Money. They always want…(laughing)…they always want money.
Dick: Really? To hunt you down for money?
Maddox: Oh, yeah! Yeah, man!
Sean: I said, "LISTEN, Mom!!" (Dick and Maddox crack up) "You're old enough to take care of yourself now."
Dick: That's probably not a joke!
Maddox: No! I…multiple family members of mine have hit me up for money, and for the most absurd reason. To cover gambling debt or whatever bullshit-ass excuse.
Dick: Wow. (shocked)
Maddox: I don't have to be burdened with. Austin, thank you! Vote up Families!!!
Austin: I…uh, after all that, I'd say it's probably bad to talk to a girl about her father at the bar.
Dick: Well, I guess, uh…me and Bill Cosby are gonna go hit up some broads at the bars later tonight. (Maddox and Austin crack up)
Austin: Have fun!
Dick: I got some voice mails for you.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey, what's up? This is Sintron. I had never heard of the Marc Maron show before listening to this podcast. I decided to look it up. It was a piece of shit, and I left them a comment saying as much. (Maddox laughs) On their iTunes podcast.)
Maddox: It's already started. (grins)
Maddox: There it is.
Dick: Good. Sintron. Good.
(Sound effect: Audience laughter)
Dick: Very good. Here's another one.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey, Maddox, you fuck. (Maddox laughs) Why do you give a shit about what item I wanna pour down my fat gullet? You fucking Liberal asshole. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Why can't I just fucking eat all the fucking trans fats I want to and have a good time! And not bother anyone else."
"But nooooo, no, can't do that."
Dick: Why is that?
"'Cause you have to throw a fucking shit-fit over what I choose to eat."
"So…why don't you go fuck yourself?"
"And Dick, why don't you go fuck yourself, too?")
Dick: What's up?
Austin: It sounded like you on the voice recording. Like, you just like, "Here's a voice call", and then, like…
Dick: (interjects) You think I made a voice mail to the show?
Austin: It almost sounded like it.
Austin: It sounded like a plant.
Maddox: Sounds like a conspiracy dipshit's in the room. (laughs)
Austin: It was mostly…(they all crack up)
Dick: It definitely sounds like that. (laughing)
Maddox: Uh, so…so, first of all, asshole. That wasn't directed towards you. I don't know who the fuck you are or what you're eating. I don't give a shit, either, as long as it doesn't affect me. And second, last episode, Dick, you were asking…well, you would hope that when you…
Dick: (interjects) I don't…why do you make that face when you do what I was saying?
Maddox: I'm just making my Dick face.
Dick: You're making, like, a pretentious asshole face. (grins)
Maddox: I'm trying to scrunch up my face like an asshole, 'cause that's how you were saying…
Dick: (interjects) What was I saying?
Maddox: You were saying, uh, that you would hope that if you spend more money, like, at Whole Foods and buy organic, blablabla, you have a higher chance of avoiding trans fats and some of these…
Dick: (interjects) Sure, yeah. And anything.
Maddox: But, but! You also defended Fries when I brought in fries, and that's, like, the number one food…
Dick: French fries?
Maddox: …that has trans fats in it, is fries!
Dick: Yeah, well, like, so what?
Austin: People like fries.
Dick: Eat a little bit of fries. Like, this guy's saying, just fuck off! Let us eat whatever we want. What's it matter to you?
Maddox: It matters to me when it raises healthcare costs, dickhead!
Dick: Ohhhhhh, stop with that! (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. 20%.
Maddox: We could cut 20% of uhh…coronary heart disorders.
Dick: Yeah? (grins)
Maddox: By simply avoiding trans fats. 20%!
Austin: Did you read that?
Maddox: Yeah. (Austin laughs)
Dick: Probably off…probably off of Wikipedia.
Austin: Is that a fact? (laughing) Yeah.
Maddox: It is a fact. From Harvard.edu.
Dick: I got one more voice mail.
Austin: What's Harvard know?
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey Maddox and Dick, and Sean. I was wondering when you were gonna bring in the problem…
"Of teenagers not being able to be let into fifteen….aw, shit. Mmm…" (they all crack up)
"We're gonna wait."
Dick: No, wait for it. I don't know why he put this big pause in. I don't know why I didn't edit it out.
Maddox: This is still playing?
Dick: Yeah. This is still his voice mail.
"Alright. That was my moment of shame."
Dick: What the fuck?
Austin: This guy's a winner. I like it.
Maddox: Is it still playing?
Austin: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: No, no, no. That's it.
Dick: Alright. I got some fan art. Wanna go through fan art?
Dick: First one…Ali Hassanein. "My name is Ali Hassanein and I'm an illustrator from Montreal. Been a big fan of the show since it started, and I especially love the bonus episodes. He made a couple of paintings for us. You can see more at http://www.alihassanein.com ". Uh, and you can see these on our website, http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com in the Fan Art gallery, which is there. That's one of me.
Maddox: Oh, wow! That looks incredible!! Oh my g…
Maddox: You look like a handsome motherfucker!
Austin: He kinda looks pissed off, though.
Maddox: I'm about to, uh…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. That's the secret of being handsome, is looking kinda pissed off.
Austin: Oh, yeah? (giggles)
Austin: The nice guy finishes last, kinda thing.
Dick: Did you see that one?
Maddox: Where's…where's the face?
Austin: It's funny that you're showing art on a podcast.
Dick: There you go. Well, you gotta go to the website to look it up.
Dick: There's a lot of good shit on the website.
Maddox: And there's one of me, too. Oh, man. That is handsome. I'm about to whip it out and jerk it to myself. That looks amazing!
Dick: It looks like an oil painting.
Maddox: Yeah. It's really good.
Dick: It does look like a real oil painting.
Maddox: Who…who made that?
Dick: Ali Hassenein.
Maddox: Ali Hassenein. And we also have to, uh, Dick, post the fan art section on the website. It's…active, but we haven't posted anything right now.
Dick: Yeah, it's up, but you can't find the link. Now THIS one, this one I'm more upset about. Actually, I'm ambivalent about this one. Which means I have strong feelings both ways on it. It's from Jessica Safron. "Hey, I drew some erotic fan art for you inspired by your boyhood desires." So you remember last week, we were talking about the first things we jerked off to?
Dick: For Robin, it was Wesley Crusher.
Maddox: Wesley Crusher.
Maddox: Wil Wheaton. (weirded out)
Dick: Yeah. For you, it was…
Maddox: Mary, from a video game called "Quartet" on the Sega Master System.
Austin: That's sad. That's just sad.
Dick: Which is…8…8-bit.
Maddox: Yeah. (Austin laughs) Well, it was 16-bit in the arcade version.
Dick: Finally, a good…
Maddox: (interjects) Austin!!
Austin: That was my one thing?!!?
Maddox: No, thanks!
Austin: Alright. I'm just…I'm done. See you guys later.
Dick: And mine was the American Gladiators, specifically, Elektra and Diamond. This is what Jessica sends over.
Sean: It wasn't Nitro and Malibu?
Dick: Hey, fuck you, Sean! (they all laugh) You penis-judging prick! Fuck you!!! (Maddox laughs)
(Sound effect: Cymbal bad-dum-ching)
Maddox: So she sent over this picture of…(giggles)it looks like…so, the two of 'em are on platforms with…
Dick: Elektra and Diamond are on…
Maddox: (interjects) Elektra and Diamond. And they have those…those little joust…
Dick: (interjects) The jousts!
Dick: This is the joust from American Gladiators.
Maddox: And Dick's in the middle with his hand on his crotch. (laughing) His…
Dick: Oh, my dick is in my hand.
Maddox: Yeah, it's tiny. And uh…
Dick: I'm definitely orgasming.
Maddox: And Dick is getting beat up while he's…(giggles)…while he's ejaculating.
Dick: Well, my arms…my elbow has been broken.
Dick: And these…insanely hot cartoon girls are beating the hell out of me with their pugil sticks.
Austin: Nice use of word there.
Maddox: I gotta look that up.
Dick: I'm beaten and bruised and there's blood coming all over the place. And my hair's…my hair's flying all over the place. And, um…now I can say…not a lot of people can say this. But now I can say for sure that I've jerked off to snuff porn of myself.
Austin: You did that.
Maddox: See?!!? It's hot when it looks like you, right?!
Dick: No, I was looking at the women. Uh…I was trying to block myself out.
Austin: And then imagine you were in it, again.
Maddox: Agai…yeah. (grins) (Austin giggles)
Dick: Yeah. But I recognized the outfits immediately. As soon as I…
Maddox: (interjects) It's pretty…it's pretty hot.
Dick: …opened this email.
Maddox: So, Jessica also sent me some fan mail, from…some fan art from last episode. Here is the fan art she sent me. It's me with Mary from Quartet.
Dick: Oh, my God!
Maddox: And it's amazing. It looks like…you want to describe this, Dick?
Dick: Uhh, yeah. You've got Mary from Quartet, I guess that is, making out with some guy with a huge cock. I don't know who that guy…
Maddox: (interjects) Okay. It's me, asshole. It's me, with a huge cock. Which is accurate. And, we have jet packs on. We're flying…and we're shooting aliens. (background laughter) She's shooting an alien with her laser, and I'm shooting an alien with my cum. (laughter)
Maddox: I blasted a hole right through the alien with my cum.
Dick: I dunno about these arts. This girl has too much power. (Maddox laughs) She's hot, too. I looked her up on Facebook.
Maddox: Yeah. She's a babe, and her comic is http://www.satanninja.com. It's…really cool. There's a cameo of yours truly in there. It's REALLY well done. So Jessica turned this around in under a week, Dick. These…these illustrations are not only really well done, but they're full color illustrations.
Dick: Man. It's amazing.
Maddox: Really fast. So, uh, yeah. Check out Jessica's work. Um, thank you Jessica, for that fan art.
Dick: I got one more piece of art for you. It's not fanart. Uh, Joshua Mellsy sent this. "Found some knees from Deviant Art that Maddox would probably wanna fuck."
Maddox: Oh, baby.
Dick: "By the way, if you say my last name on the podcast, it's pronounced Mellzy, not Mellsy."
Maddox: Okay, Mellsy.
Dick: Like I know you will.
Austin: As you write it.
Dick: What do you think about these knees? Remember when you were talking about how hot knees can be?
Maddox: Oh, those are some hot knees!!
Dick: They're just…
Maddox: They look like bums!!
Dick: Well, they're giant tits where knees should be.
Maddox: Yeah. They're not like homeless bums, but like…
Austin: The one in the blue looks like testicles.
Dick: That's really weird, man.
Maddox: Hey, we'll post a pic of these knees.
Dick: They're like beanbags hanging off where your knees should be.
Maddox: That's…those are sexy knees. Look, if I was gonna…
Dick: (interjects) Alright. (scoffs)
Maddox: …jerk off to a body part, and they happened to be knees, they would be those knees. (Dick giggles)
Austin: The back of the knee, or the front of the knee?
Dick: We went through this.
Maddox: Both. We have.
Austin: Oh. I've been…I've been gone awhile.
Maddox: Yeah, I got a…I got a sound clip. This was a sound grab from episode 60 from Grant Mooney. My nemesis. Who made that shitty Titanic song that I fucking hate. But he sent this in, this is pretty funny. Listen to this.
"Maddox: Yeah, here. I'll present to you first, Sean's.
Dick: These are really high-quality penises.
Maddox: They're high-quality penises, right?!
(they all crack up)")
Maddox: Alright. I got a comment from Joshua Hamilton. He says, "If you've been missing Maddox's Twitch stream, here's a recap." He quotes me and says, "Contra is such a great game with inventive bosses and…" and he stops and he says, "Maddox dies." And then he says, "Piece of shit, garbage game! I'm going to throw this glitchy piece of shit away!" and then I keep playing it for another hour. Uh, then…Kaylor Ketnor says, "I'm pretty sure Dick's extra base was sex without a condom. Not sure why it matters, since he can just go fuck himself." (cracks up)
Dick: Oh, that is a good extra base. I didn't think about that. No, the extra base was that you have to…flirt with a girl online somewhere.
Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Like on Tinder or something, before you even get to meet up with her.
Dick: In real life.
Maddox: Interesting theory.
Dick: And it's like…it's like putting the batter's box…like, you gotta start performing before you even get up to the plate, now.
Maddox: You know what that is…
Dick: (interjects) I hate it.
Maddox: It's more like…it's more like the pitch practice…er, the swing practice before you go up to bat.
Dick: The batter's box.
Dick: Yeah, except this…
Sean: (interjects) No, no, no. On-deck circle.
Dick: What's the batter's box? The before on-deck?
Sean: No, the batter's box is what you stand in when you are in the game.
Dick: Oh, I'm sorry! Of course, I'm sorry. You're right. You're right.
Sean: Yeah. That's the on-deck circle.
Maddox: Hey, uh…the batter box is what you call a chick's vagina when I'm through with it.
Sean: Oh, God. (Maddox cracks up loudly, no one else seems amused)
Austin: That's a real laugh. He's not even fake laughing.
Maddox: Oh man, I love myself. (grins) That's great. Alright.
Dick: Alright. Anyway.
Maddox: That's it. You wanna get to the problems?
Dick: Yeah. Lemme get to my problem. (Austin giggles) (clears throat) My problem is…Helping Your Friends Move.
Maddox: Helping Your Friends Move, Dick. (grins) Now you're…I consider you a good friend.
Dick: I will never help you move.
Maddox: Okay. Well…
Dick: Never ask me…never, ever, ever, ever. I do not help move!
Maddox: You're a good…you're a good helper! You're a helpful friend! Why don't you like helping friends move? I mean, other than the obvious.
Dick: I mean, I've got 20 minutes of material…of reasons why I don't help people move.
Maddox: Let's hear it! (giggles)
Dick: But I…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: Lemme just tell you. Okay. I've had a truck…a gigantic truck, F-150, since I learned how to drive.
Maddox: A FISO.
Dick: Right? A FISO.
Dick: Since I was 16. I wanted it ever since I was a little kid. I set my mind to it. I worked really hard, and my parents bought it for me when I turned 16. (Maddox and Austin crack up) So, if you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Um, and ever since then, ever since I got it, what they don't tell you when you get a truck, when they hand you the keys at the dealership, they don't say "Listen, kid. For the rest of your life, people are gonna be harassing you to help them move their shit."
Dick: Because they're too cheap to hire a couple of guys from U-Haul.
Dick: A couple of day laborers, for like 50 bucks apiece, to help them move. And they will attempt to lure you in with promises of a 6-pack of Bud Light, or a pizza.
Maddox: Or pizza!
Dick: A pizza! A 12-dollar pizza that I can order on my phone.
Dick: Welcome to Hell.
Dick: That's what they SHOULD tell you when you buy a truck. Because that's what the rest of your life is.
Maddox: And it's always fucking Little Caesar's. It's Little Caesar's pepperoni pizza, which, by the way, if I eat the entire fucking pizza, I still feel like I've eaten one piece. It's gar…it's just the worst. The worst pizza.
Dick: You know who asked his friends to help him move?
Dick: Hitler. (Maddox laughs) It was called The Holocaust. (Sean laughs disgustedly in the background) He asked his friends to help him move a bunch of Jews…(giggles)
Maddox: That's actually true. (laughs) I cannot impugn you for that, Dick.
Dick: Yeah. And you are that bad if you are asking people to help you move.
Dick: It is more…it is MORE offensive to ask someone to help you move your home or apartment than it is to try and kiss their girlfriend or wife! (upset)
Dick: And…what do you mean, "Okay"?
Maddox: I don't know about that.
Dick: You don't know about that?!!?!?
Maddox: You…you think.
Dick: (interjects) If somebody tri…if somebody drunkenly tried to kiss your girlfriend or wife, or boyfriend, you know, I don't know.
Dick: I don't know what you do all the time after the show.
Maddox: Yeah. Or gender-fluid partner. We don't want to…(Dick guffaws and they both crack up)
Dick: Right! Or whatever we're gonna be calling that person in 70 years.
Dick: 'Cause it won't be girlfriend or boyfriend.
Maddox: God knows, yes.
Dick: At least on the air, we won't be allowed to say that.
Dick: Whatever…if someone tries to drunkenly kiss that person, imagine that amount of rage you have…
Dick: And this is a friend, mind you.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: This isn't a stranger.
Dick: A friend, like, who has a history of getting too drunk and doing that.
Dick: Versus, in the middle of the day, they say "Hey, why don't you bust over Saturday morning at 10:30 and help me lift a bunch of stuff, put it in a car, and then I'm gonna drive over to my new place and unload it. A couple hours. Four hours, we'll knock it out. I'm not gonna pay you any money, and yes, of course I know I can hire some people for a small amount of cash and do this, but I want you to do it. I want you to do it.
Dick: What's more offensive to you?
Maddox: Definitely the kissing of the wife.
Dick: Goddamn it.
Maddox: I mean, easily. (giggles) That's easily more offensive. However, I'm on board with this.
Maddox: It is…it is a huge hassle…like, fucking…you're moving to a new place, okay?
Maddox: You weren't evicted from your apartment. I can see a scenario in which my friend was evicted from their apartment 'cause they couldn't pay rent, they're really strapped for cash. They actually need a favor, and that is a true favor. But if you're just fucking cheap…
Dick: And then they'd better beg.
Maddox: Beg and offer sexual services, potentially, right?
Dick: Yes. Yes. Yes.
Maddox: Guy or girl. I don't care!
Dick: Yeah. Put it on the table! (Maddox giggles) Either way!
Maddox: Put a kisser right on my dong. That's what I expect. But here's the thing, man. Right? The pizza costs, what, 12 bucks?
Dick: 12 bucks, yeah.
Dick: (interjects) Oh, no…see, uh, I would throw it up to 40 or 50. Because you're buying pizza for multiple guys.
Maddox: Oh, that's true! So you're buying it…
Dick: So let's…remember, you gotta get wings, you gotta get some soda.
Maddox: Yeah. Mhmm.
Dick: Unless you're a total asshole.
Maddox: A total deadbeat bum. Not the type of bum I would masturbate to that looked like knees, but the other kind of bum.
Maddox: If you were that kind of deadbeat bum where you didn't buy drinks and multiple pizzas for the guys who were helping you move. So, okay, you're spending 30 bucks, easily, on pizza and drinks, right?
Dick: Now, are you buying the person with the truck gasoline?
Dick: Because that's…that's like 4 or 5 bucks a gallon, here.
Maddox: There you go. Depends on where you're going, but ultimately, this whole ordeal is gonna cost you easily 40 bucks, right?
Dick: I would think it would cost more…yeah, okay, let's say 40.
Maddox: 40, 50…40, 50 bucks!
Dick: Let's say 40, 50 bucks. Unless you throw gas in, that's another 50…'cause you gotta fill up the tank.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay.
Dick: You can't take their truck to the gas station and then put 10 dollars in it.
Maddox: And trucks are gas guzzlers.
Dick: Yeah. Mine's like 10 miles to the gallon or something.
Maddox: Yeah, so. 40 to 50 bucks later, what have you actually saved? Because if you hired movers, they'd get the job done in under an hour anyway.
Dick: I got some…I got some stats for you for movers.
Dick: Average intrastate move is 1200 bucks. Okay? But…but I think that's talkin' about, like, huge houses. Like, this isn't like moving one apartment to the other.
Maddox: And that's interstate.
Dick: No, intra.
Maddox: Oh, intrastate? Okay.
Dick: That means in the same state, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Okay. I spent $500 last time I moved. Then I went on Craigslist.
Dick: And I found two guys, 45 bucks an hour.
Dick: They come with a truck.
Dick: So if you're saying…if we're gonna knock this out in the afternoon, right? They always say "knock this out".
Dick: You know you're getting fucked when somebody says "we're gonna knock this out". Right?
Maddox: Ugggggh. Nothing's getting knocked out!
Dick: Yeah. Come over and dig…come over a build a fence with me.
Dick: We'll knock it out…like, stop right there.
Maddox: Dig some ditches. We'll just knock it out real quick.
Dick: We'll knock it out real quick. Go fuck your…go knock yourself out.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm gonna knock my back out.
Dick: So that's $45 times, let's say 3 hours?
Dick: What is it, $135?
Dick: You're spending $50 bucks on a pizza.
Dick: $30 on gas if you're cheap.
Dick: That's $80.
Dick: That means…that means your time…(Austin giggles) is worth $55. Your friend is telling you that your time is worth $55.
Dick: That's like $17 an hour.
Dick: For busting your back lifting their shitty furniture!
Maddox: Manual labor!
Dick: (upset) It's like…it's like them asking you to come over and just make dinner!
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.
Dick: Like "Yeah, I could go to a restaurant and I could just make it all myself, but why don't you just come over and make my fucking dinner for me?"
Maddox: Now, Dick, here's what I don't mind. I don't mind the occasional heavy object. Like, a friend will call me up and say, "Hey, I got this big screen TV. I got this refrigerator. Can you give me a hand?" Like, whatever it is. Except, actually, the refrigerator. I take that back.
Maddox: But the big screen TV, sure. I can grab a handle, and you know what? I got the whole thing myself, 'cause I'm real buff.
Dick: What are they…where did they get this big screen, like an 80's pizza joint? (Maddox laughs) Big screens now are…17 pounds!
Maddox: Yeah. The flat panel. Well, they're like 40…40 pounds.
Austin: Just get a projector! Projectors are light and they project big! It's good.
Maddox: That's a good idea, Austin, but not everyone has a cave to live in.
Sean: Dick made me move a piano. (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: Did you!?!!? Oh, motherfucker!! (shocked)
Dick: Okay. (grins) Yeah.
Austin: Holy shit!!!
Maddox: Ohhhhhh!!! Well, well, well. (Dick laughing) Interesting!
Austin: Myyyyyy. The shoe's on the other foot here.
Maddox: What's going on here, hmmmm?
Austin: Yeah. Hmmmmmmm?
Dick: Go ahead.
Sean: We picked up some piano from some guy in Pasadena, right?
Dick: Yes, we did. (grinning)
Sean: It was a…it was an upright.
Sean: It was an upright piano.
Dick: It was an old Kimball.
Sean: Yeah. And the two of us lifted it into his truck.
Sean: And we were pretty stoked with ourselves, 'cause we felt really badass that two guys could lift a piano.
Dick: How old were we? 23?
Sean: Yeeeeah. Early twenties.
Dick: I must have been 23.
Maddox: So, like four years ago.
Austin: What kind of pizza did he get you? (Maddox laughs)
Sean: I don't know what we…we probably picked up a bunch of booze, or something.
Dick: Probably a bunch of booze, yeah. Lot of good decisions were made that night. Look, I've learned…I've learned my lesson. Because I've asked…I've asked Sean to help me move before.
Dick: In my life.
Dick: But this is something when…
Austin: So, you're a dick according to yourself.
Dick: Well…(Austin laughs)
Dick: Look, you gotta learn these things!
Austin: Literally. Yeah.
Dick: You have to learn these things, and I'm telling everybody, it's a very bad thing to ma…like…(stammers) don't think that you're in some kind of a payback economy, (Austin laughs) where you move them, they move you?
Austin: No, no.
Dick: You know? You gotta learn this. It's bad. Don't do it. By the time you're, like, in your mid-twenties, late twenties, it's…it's done. That's it.
Dick: No more asking friends to move.
Austin: I have a rock star friend in Chicago who loves to help people move. And I asked him "Why do you like to help people move?" and he goes, "Well people go to the gym to work out all the time, and why pay the money to go help work out when somebody could really use the favor and you need their shit moved, and you are the guy that provides that service. It's like, I get my workout, I don't gotta pay shit, my friend really appreciates it." He's into karma. He thinks he gets good karma that way.
Maddox: Yeeeahh. (unconvinced)
Austin: And all that shit.
Austin: And he really likes helping his friends out.
Dick: I'm gonna add this onto my etiquette list, then.
Austin: What's that?
Dick: If you tell somebody you're moving, they know you're moving.
Dick: There's no need to follow that up with the, "So can you help me, or not?"
Dick: It's in their…the ball's in their court.
Maddox: It's implied. Yeah.
Austin: You should never ask.
Austin: He's like, "Do you need some help?" Well, I'm so glad you asked.
Dick: Yeah. It's like if you want a blowjob from a chick, right? After an expensive steak date. (Sean laughs) You just zip your pants down and pull your dick out. (Maddox laughs) You don't…you know, then, that's the invitation is extended.
Dick: Now the ball's in her court.
Austin: (giggles) Literally.
Maddox: Oh, well.
Dick: Right? You understand?
Maddox: Not yet.
Dick: That's where you're…(Maddox and Austin laugh)
Maddox: Um, yeah, Dick. So…when…when you're past your twenties, right? You are all…
Dick: I think mid-twenties.
Maddox: You are all…okay, mid-twenties, that's fine.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: You are all professional…working, professional adults. And you presumably have a job and a career and can afford to a) move, and b) move. Because to move, it costs you a little bit of money. That's just implied. It's part…it's also the same thing, and I know this is a different problem, but it's…I would extend it to the airport ride. Man, fucking…
Dick: (interjects) Ohhh!! There you go.
Maddox: You know, man. I have…I've had some friends who I've taken to the airport numerous times, and eventually I'm, like, dude, just factor it into the cost of your travel.
Maddox: It's an extra 10, 20, 30 bucks, whatever. Just add it to the ticket price. And imagine that's how much it would cost you to travel, round trip, including ground transportation. It's super simple math, guys. It's like 50 plus whatever your airfare is.
Dick: It's 50 bucks.
Dick: Yeah. It costs 50 bucks.
Maddox: Not even…not even that. There's cheaper ways to do it.
Dick: Let's say it is.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. It's just nonstop, the airport ride, man. And that's a really good friend, right?
Dick: We should get even…we should get even worse with it. Like, when you're gonna take a trip to somewhere…you should call the person in advance and go, "Hey, can you buy, like…toothpaste, and deodorant for me?"
Dick: "I could go get it, but I don't wanna do it."
Dick: (interjects) So you buy it for me there and I'll pick it up when you pick me up at the airport.
Maddox: Sure! Where do you draw the line? Why not? Hey, you know what? Why don't you come over…can you do my taxes for me?
Dick: Yeah, I don't wanna do them.
Maddox: I don't wanna do them.
Dick: I know I could pay to have them done, but ehhh.
Maddox: Mmm. No. I'd rather use your time.
Dick: Nothing's ever fucking packed.
Austin: This really happens to you guys? This never happens to me.
Dick: You never get asked that…well, I own a truck!
Austin: Pick me up deodorant when you pick me up at the airport?
Dick: Oh, that was a joke.
Austin: Oh, good, thank God.
Dick: Yeah. That was, like, escalating it to the point of absurdity to make a point.
Austin: I can't tell where your real lives intertwine with your fake lives. (giggles)
Dick: Me either, man. (they all laugh) Nothing's ever packed. If it is packed, it's packed in a shitty box that's 10 years old.
Maddox: Packed poorly. Yeah.
Dick: They don't know how to load trucks.
Austin: Actually, that's a real pet peeve, when they ask you to move and they're still, like, taking shit out of the drawers while you're there.
Maddox: Yeah. That's the fucking…
Austin: (interjects) You'd better have your fucking boxes ready and stacked by the goddamn door when you get there.
Maddox: That's the worst, man!
Austin: That…that really….that really beh bla deh be deh!!
Maddox: Well…(giggles) he didn't even use words to finish that thought.
Austin: I was so upset right there!
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Sounded like it! (Austin giggles) Um, yeah, Dick. When I show up to someone's house to help 'em move. Right?
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: Fine. I'm fucking there. Let's do this. Let's get this shit done, right?
Maddox: And I walk in and the apartment looks exactly how I left it last time.
Maddox: Which was like a week ago, I was just hanging out. And everything's…
Dick: (interjects) And you know…I'm sorry to interrupt, but you know in their mind, they treat it as an experience. Like, you're gonna go on this moving experience with me.
Dick: That's why I left it all out. But keep going.
Maddox: And usually, the power has been turned off, so they don't have AC in the apartment, so you're just sweating like a pig the whole time.
Maddox: And…and you got the awkward thing where the landlord might stop by for a visit and get the last check, and you have to run other errands, "Oh I need to swing by this place, I need to go to the…"
Dick: (interjects) I gotta go buy some tape!
Dick: You keep packing this up. I'll go buy the tape so we can tape the boxes shut.
Maddox: Ohohohhhh. That's a scam! I've...I've seen that scam before, buddy! Man, I've been roped into many stupid pizza moving days. Ugh. And I don't even fucking…(upset)
Dick: 'Cause you have a hatchback, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: So you…that's like a…I mean, you have a version of this. Of owning a truck.
Austin: And the factor is, we're really big people and "Oh you're big, can you help me move that?"
Austin: If you're a tiny person, I don't think you get asked as much, like, "Hey, can you help me move?" It's like, this guy's weak, what the fuck is he gonna do?
Dick: Well, that's a sexist remark and I don't know what…I mean…if you're implying that women don't get asked to help their friends move…
Austin: I didn't say…I said tiny people. It's a big people tiny people thing.
Dick: Oh, okay. Alright.
Austin: I don't think that's sex, that's shape and size.
Sean: They get asked to, like, remove a raccoon from a crawlspace or something. (Maddox and Austin laugh) That's what those friends are for.
Austin: "There's a thing under my couch. Can you get in there and check that?"
Dick: 80% of adults have been to the doctor about lower back pain.
Dick: Did you know that? 80%.
Austin: That's a stat. Yeah.
Maddox: Well, okay. Go on with this. I'm curious.
Dick: Lower back pain. Acute lower back pain lasts between 4 and 12 weeks. In a survey, more than a quarter of adults reported experiencing low back pain during the past three months. To save you…to save your buddy $70. What did we say? $55? Something like that.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Austin: It's gonna be somebody else's back, though.
Dick: Yeah. Well, good.
Austin: Somebody's back's going down.
Dick: You know what? It probably won't be, because they might be good at lifting.
Austin: They could be professionals.
Dick: Like, I'm not good at lifting.
Austin: We're amateurs at best. Yeah.
Dick: I don't care about your shit.
Austin: That's true.
Maddox: Yeah. You skip leg day all the time. (they laugh)
Dick: Yeah. I do. (grins)
Maddox: Ahhh. Dick, you got any other stats over there?
Maddox: 'Cause I just wanna add one last thing.
Austin: He's got a shit ton of stats over there.
Dick: 23 million people move within the same county every year. I bet a significant number of those. That's only in the same county, right? That doesn't include going out of the state, going out of the city.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: That's like same-city moves.
Maddox: Yeah, basically.
Dick: Those are people who nail you to help them move.
Dick: 'Cause they can see it.
Maddox: And they put out the weepy Facebook message, like, "Hey guys, you know…I only have a couple people offering to come help and move..." you know what, also. I've noticed that if you have enough social proof and you post that on Facebook, people will trip over themselves to offer to help you. I've seen…I've seen that happen.
Dick: What is social proof?
Maddox: If you have social proof, like, if you are charismatic and you're well-liked in your social circle?
Maddox: Your friends will trip over…and because it almost gives them social proof to help you because you're helping…
Dick: (interjects) To say "I was at the great Maddox move of…"
Dick: (laughing) And he gave me this T-shirt?
Austin: And if you're beautiful. People will help…like, in movies. "Oh, the hot girl needs help!"
Austin: Let me help you move shit.
Maddox: That's like me, man.
Austin: 'Cause later you're gonna have sex with them.
Dick: Yeah, you definitely will.
Austin: And that's worth it. Yeah.
Maddox: When I moved out of my parent's house, it was under really acrimonious conditions. I was…I was fighting with my parents, they were assholes, and my friends. My friends put their foot down, and they said "We're moving you out right now." And they came over, and I wasn't even ready, but they said, "We're gonna pack up your shit. We're gonna load it up. We're getting you the fuck out of this hellhole."
Maddox: And they helped me. They did everything for me! My friends were great.
Dick: It's like an intervention!
Maddox: Yeah. It was…it was awesome. And they…my friends…I couldn't thank them enough. They were so great about it. I didn't even have to ask. They offered.
Dick: What was your…what was your hold up before that? Like, how big of a sudden change for you was this to go from "I'm not moving out" to "We're coming over and just moving all of your shit out."
Maddox: It was so intolerable, Dick, that at one point, I…(giggles)…I don't call it running away, but I just told my family to fuck off and I was gonna go live in a hotel. I literally just moved out and lived in a hotel for a couple weeks.
Dick: No shit!
Maddox: Yeah. I slept…
Dick: (interjects) Whe…when did you decide that you were not going back?
Maddox: Uh…I mean, I don't want to get into the details, 'cause it's just so awful, but, uh…
Austin: Stop talking about people's families, Dick!
Dick: It's interesting, though. (grins)
Maddox: It…it…maybe I'll share this story.
Dick: 'Cause there's a lot of people in that position, if you're saying families are such a big problem.
Maddox: They're fucking awful. I…I mean, maybe I'll get into this story at some point, uh…it's a long story, but…uh…it came to a tipping point where I said "Enough is enough. Fuck you, I'm out of this hellhole. You can go fuck yourselves. I don't need anything from you. I don't want anything from you." And one of my friends took me in, and all my friends were offering to let me sleep on their couch, or sleep on their floor, whatever. I took one of my friends up on his offer, because my parents didn't know where he lived, 'cause they would stalk me. Again…
Maddox: Yeah. Again. Like, you think that you can just cut your family out and loose and they'll leave you alone? No, they'll fucking find you and they'll harass you! They will find you and harass you! They're like heat-seeking missiles that annoy.
Sean: Yeah, they might, like, love you or something, you know.
Dick: Ohhhhhhh, ohhhhh.
Sean: I'm gonna go find…(laughing)
Maddox: Or hate and harass, Sean. (Dick and Sean laugh) That's what was going on here, was hate and harassment. And…I mean, it was, like, one step removed from restraining order. That's how bad it got.
Dick: Wow! (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah. And so I stayed on a friend's floor, basically. His living room floor, which was not comfortable to sleep in, but you know what is comfortable to sleep in, Dick…
Maddox: No, Casper mattresses. (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Dick: Um, yeah, okay. Look, just because I have a truck doesn't mean I'm a mover.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Right? You're wearing a skirt…now I get what all those women were talking about.
Dick: You're wearing a skirt…
Austin: (interjects) My question that keeps coming up in my mind is…you said, like, the in-county move.
Austin: And what if you're moving, not, like, out anywhere, but, like, to another room, or next door? Does that piss you off more?
Dick: That's an in…what do you mean? If I'm asked to help?
Austin: Like, if the move is miniscule, like, "Hey, I'm in this bedroom, but I like the other bedroom more, so I'm gonna take the living room furniture and switch it into the bedroom, take the bedroom furniture and switch it into that room. Can you help me move that shit?"
Dick: No, I cannot help you move that.
Austin: I think that's more of a bullshit fucking thing to do then, like, I actually have to move out of this place, 'cause I need to, like, pay less rent somewhere, but "I just don't like the Feng Shui of that and I want my bed to be in that corner and I'm gonna move everything around. And I need your help."
Maddox: You know, Austin, anything that is a shorter use of my time, I'm for.
Austin: Oh yeah?
Maddox: If it takes me…if it's less time for me to just move shit across the street, yeah, fuck it. I don't have to drive anywhere and I don't have to bring my truck or…you know, flatbed, or whatever, hatchback over to help load up and unload. That's the fucking worst. And stairs?! Oh, how DARE you. If you mo…the AUDACITY of these people.
Dick: Stairs! (Austin laughs)
Maddox: To move into a place with stairs!! And then ask you to come over and help. You, the good friend.
Maddox: Breaking your back. Yeah.
Dick: I apologize for asking you, Sean.
Austin: No, see, I almost disagree with you, actually.
Dick: I was way out of line for asking you to help me move…and to move that piano. (Maddox laughs) I apologize sincerely for that.
Austin: I think if you're moving for a logistical reason, like, I can't live here 'cause I have a dog now and I can't have a dog in my apartment.
Dick: Oh, God!!
Austin: I understand this, but…
Maddox: Oh, fuck you!
Austin: But you're just like…"I don't like the couch here…"
Dick: Don't get a dog!
Austin: "Can you help me move the couch?" and then you move the couch over. "Actually, the couch looked good over there." And it's just like bullshit in their head that they're trying to figure out
Dick: Does that happen to you?!
Austin: Oh, you have no idea (Dick guffaws) how much fucking Feng Shui moving I have to do all the time.
Maddox: Stop having friends as hippies, man!
Austin: They're not…hippies don't have shit to move! They're like "I got my bag, I don't need your help!!" (stoner voice) (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I need help moving this Chi over here.
Austin: You would love these fucking people! (Maddox still laughing)
Dick: You just have to come stand with me like this.
Austin: More and less, and less is more. I don't know, but it's…
Austin: It's artistic moves, like, "Put this table in the corner, I think it's a better flow."
Maddox: That's true.
Austin: That shit bothers me more than, like "I have to go to another place."
Maddox: Well, so we didn't get the Casper read the first time I mentioned it, Dick, but you know what would help with lower back pain?
Dick: Yeah, Casper. (Maddox laughs) Today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 towards any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST. Um…
Austin: Did you say /bigots?
Dick: Slash…(Maddox and Austin crack up) Biggest. (grins)
Austin: Biggest. (Maddox laughing)
Dick: Like you are the biggest fuck guest we've had on this…
Austin: If you're a racist and you need a nice mattress, come sleep on Casper mattresses.
Dick: Great mattresses. A lot of people have actually bought them because of the show. (Maddox laughs)
Austin: Do they like me talking like this, or it's probably…
Maddox: I'm sure advertisers love it, yeah.
Dick: We don't like you talking like this. (grins)
Austin: Ohhhhh, burn! (Maddox and Austin laugh)
Dick: Buying a Casper mattress is completely risk-free. Casper offers free delivery and returns within a 100-day period. So you don't have to ask your friends to help you move. That's pretty good. Uh, it's that simple. Statistically, lying on a bed for 4 minutes in a showroom has no correlation to whether it's the right bed for you. Did you know that?
Maddox: Yeah, I agree. It's also kind of like going to a new apartment and then trying to decide on a whim whether or not you should live there. You need to try it out! You need to sleep a night or two on the bed. Right?
Dick: Yeah, I d…I bought a new bed recently…(Austin giggles) and it was, like…it was like going to an eye doctor. This salesman kept going, like, "Well is this one better, or this one better?" and I'm like "I have no idea."
Dick: I have no idea. But there's a $600 difference.
Austin: What are you asking me for!?
Dick: Yeah. I don't know how to gauge this.
Maddox: Yeah. And they're like used car salesmen. Man, Dick, since I got my Casper mattress, no joke, it is the most restful I've ever slept. Seriously, it's coma sleep. I'm almost worried that I have, like, sleep paralysis when I sleep now.
Dick: This might all be a dream.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I might be on my Casper mattress right now. I wish!
Dick: Casper has turned the buying process into a risk-free experience. Uh, mattresses…their mattresses cost, let's see, $500 for a twin-size mattress, $750 for a full-size, $850 for a Queen size, and…you know what you do, for a King size. When you move, you throw your mattress away, and then when you get to the new place, you have a Casper mattress delivered to you.
Maddox: Ahhh, smart.
Dick: Yeah. I did that last time I moved.
Maddox: And don't ask your friends to fucking help you.
Dick: No, of course not. Alright. What's your problem?
Maddox: Dick. My problem this week, and I know I'm gonna get…I'm gonna get piled on here by both you and Sean, but it's Dropbox.
Dick: Dropbox, huh?
Maddox: Dropbox. And then more generally, Cloud storage or Cloud computing.
Dick: Welllll…wait a minute. Which is it?
Dick: Is it Dropbox, or is it Cloud computing and Cloud storage?
Maddox: I'll say this. I'll say Cloud Storage. Cloud storage/Dropbox.
Dick: Well, yeah, but…
Austin: (laughs) (interjects) He's milkin' em. He's milking both of 'em.
Dick: Yeah. This is what you do, though! You make things too big!
Maddox: Well, because, when I brought in…
Austin: Broad strokes, here.
Maddox: When I brought in Oculus Rift as a solution, essentially, I was talking about virtual reality.
Maddox: I don't care about the brand. And when I'm talking about Dropbox, I'm talking about Cloud storage. And…because the brand Dropbox might go away in the future, I still have a problem with Cloud storage.
Maddox: Okay. So, Dropbox's entire business model…and the business model of Cloud storage, is essentially to rent you your own data. Right? That's all it is. You're j…this data that you used to have, like video game companies, now. You no longer have discs. They're just renting you software all the time. They send you a service agreement and you're licensing the game from them. And at any time they want, they can break your game, because it requires online activation, so you log into their servers and they decide, "Well, we're gonna release this patch that nobody wanted, nobody asked for, but still fucks the game that you already paid for." And your game becomes inoperable. It becomes shitty. It becomes useless.
Dick: How often does that happen?
Maddox: All the time, man.
Maddox: That's what people have some much grievance with EA.
Maddox: EA does this all the time. I used to have games on…what was it? Dark Souls II, when…there was a patch that was released that fixed a whole bunch of bugs, but the bugs were kind of like gameplay elements that people were used to and were fun. And people came to rely on it. But then they released this patch and it took it all away.
Dick: Oh, okay. I see what you're saying.
Maddox: Yeah. I paid for a game and I got a different service.
Dick: Yeah, that's annoying.
Maddox: So this can happen with Dropbox. And does happen with Dropbox. And every online Cloud storage service. I…I like having my stuff and not having to pay for it all the time.
Sean: What if you're not paying for it? I don't pay for it.
Dick: Yeah, isn't it free for…
Austin: (interjects) Yeah, I don't pay for it.
Maddox: Great. Oh, cool, wow. What a bunch of cool guys. But here's the thing. You don't pay for it, there's still problems with it. First of all, there's a ton of security issues with Dropbox. It's compromised all the fucking time.
Dick: Define "ton". Like, how often do people get their data read?
Maddox: Oh, well, I mean…how's this, Dick? 7 million users. Their passwords were compromised. That was in 2000…here we go. 7 million accounts were held ransom by hackers in November 2014. That's according to…
Maddox: Oh, it's this spammy website I don't even want to mention, but that actually did happen in 2014. And then in 2011, Dropbox allowed people to log in without password for four hours.
Maddox: You could log in with no password or incorrect password and you could just log in and then download whatever they wanted.
Dick: Ahh, that's a trouble.
Maddox: And then they found another scandal, I think this was, like, back in May of last year. They found that Dropbox files were being indexed by search engines. (Dick scoffs) and so, people were just being able to search whatever they wanted to. (Dick laughs)
Dick: All their Star Trek fanfiction porn. Erotic fanfiction porn.
Maddox: Robin's in trouble.
Maddox: This is according to ZDNet. On Tuesday, information seucity consultant Graham Clueley reported how Dropbox had been contacted by the media, who were investigating claims by Intralinks and Enterprise File Sharing and Collaboration Service that it had stumbled across individuals' mortgage applications and income tax returns.
Maddox: Yeah. And I actually clicked on a few of these links and, sure enough, you can see somebody's 1040 form and their mortgage application.
Maddox: You can see how much money they make, whatever. These are files that are just being stored in Dropbox that are insecure.
Maddox: That…that search engines index. You are putting your trust in the hands of people who don't know how to secure their own enterprise. These are the people who you trust?
Dick: Well, did you know about the scandal when they weren't even using encryption?
Maddox: Yea…(laughs) that's another one, yeah.
Dick: Years and years ago, when they first came out, they rushed it out just to meet, you know, 'cause they had to get the product out.
Dick: They had to get…they were getting attention, they were getting users, so they just didn't bother putting the encryption on, is the way I understood it.
Maddox: Oh, sure. Why bother? Because Dropbox is a half-assed company and they just limp dick along with their nickel-and-dime operation. I don't…I don't trust Dropbox. I don't trust them.
Dick: I know you do. I mean, I know you don't.
Dick: 'Cause you refuse to use it.
Maddox: It's a huuuuuge hassle.
Maddox: Every time I try to use Dropbox, there is something that goes wrong with it. And, by the way, we transfer the show files with Dropbox, Sean, I know you use it.
Dick: Cause it's easy.
Sean: Just 'cause it's easy.
Maddox: (scoffs) Sure. You know what else is easy? FTP. Super easy.
Dick: No, it's not easy.
Maddox: Super easy.
Dick: It's definitely not as easy. (laughs)
Maddox: Between the three of us, we have how many servers in common that we can FTP on?
Dick: That's part of the problem. There's only one Dropbox.
Maddox: Why is that a problem?
Dick: Because it lessens your options. You don't have to sit there and think about what you're doing; you just plug it into the Dropbox and then send the link to us!
Maddox: But it d…that's the problem. Because you do. You constantly do have to think about it. Every time, Sean, you send me a file, I click on it, and then Dropbox nags me to subscribe and to log in, and all this other bullshit, and I have to do THREE clicks. Three fucking clicks. Oh, I'm sorry, four clicks counting the click to go to Dropbox! (Austin laughs)
Dick: That's not a lot!
Maddox: To download my file. (Dick guffaws) Four clicks for one fucking file link?!?! How about right click, save. That's two clicks. Done.
Sean: Give…give me an FTP!
Austin: His click finger…
Sean: Give me your FTP.
Dick: (yelling) Why would you do that?!?!!? Why would you play this game!?!
Sean: (yelling) Problem solved!!
Dick: Why would you fucking play to his game, Sean!!
Sean: 'Cause I don't wanna hear about this problem anymore!
Maddox: Yeah, ohhhhhhhhh, Sean. (laughs) You came to the wrong show, buddy. (Austin laughs) You should have sat this one out.
Dick: I mean, you hate convenience, though.
Maddox: No, I don't.
Dick: Like, I think if it was up to you, all these potentially useful technologies or software packages would be killed, because they're not good enough, when in the real world, they work just fine. They might be insecure. They might…like, 7 million people might get their passwords leaked. A couple mortgage documents might get leaked, but overall, it was a useful experience for everyone who used…who used it. Who signed up.
Maddox: Great, Dick. Then why don't you take all the shit in your house and then start paying for storage to keep it? Why don't you just pay for storage for everything?
Dick: I…(sighs) I have my piano in storage!
Maddox: Okay. Well, why don't you pay for more storage? Why don't you take everything that you own right now…how about you stop buying clothes and just rent it? You know there's clothing rental services, essentially.
Maddox: They'll send you a new outfit every month or so.
Dick: Ooh, really.
Maddox: To stop buying clothes.
Dick: Does Nordstrom's have one of those?
Maddox: No, I don't think so.
Dick: If so, I'm in.
Maddox: I don't think so. But you're not addressing the…the data rental argument.
Dick: Well, because I don't think it's…I don't think you're renting data.
Maddox: You are renting data!
Dick: I think you're phra…well, I mean..
Maddox: (interjects) You're renting your own data! And you guys say…
Dick: (guffaws) Okay, I adjusted. There you go. (laughs)
Maddox: No, because you cool guys in here. "Oh, I got 2 gigs. What am I gonna…" 2 gigs is nothing!
Dick: No, no, no, no, no. They don't have 2 gigs. I pulled the biggest scam of all time and upgraded everybody I knows' gigs on Dropbox.
Sean: I have, like, 18 or 19 gigs.
Dick: Yeah. So what you do, Dropbox has this, like, referral code.
Dick: Where if you get people to sign up, then you get a free 500 MB.
Dick: So I pay Chinese guys to register fake accounts. (background laughter)
Dick: And get you your referral bonus up to the max.
Dick: Which is, like 18 gigs.
Dick: So I just do that for all my friends.
Dick: So they've all got 20 gigs.
Maddox: I mean, I got 20 gigs and it still doesn't fucking work. Dick, you remember when we were doing…(Dick giggles) No, for real.
Maddox: When we were doing The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the live show…
Maddox: We had to transfer terabytes of data. Huge terabytes of data.
Maddox: And we were doing it a little bit at a time, because fucking Dropbox is awful and it doesn't ever fucking work.
Dick: But that's inaccurate.
Maddox: And you upgraded my account. You upgraded my account to 18 gigs and the file I was trying to transfer…I was trying to transfer 16 gigs worth of files, and it still wouldn't let me. It said I didn't have enough space.
Dick: Yeah, but then I logged in and did it the correct way and it immediately worked, like, 'cause I'm used to the system.
Maddox: Well, what's the correct way, Dick?
Dick: I don't…I don't know.
Dick: I don't sit down and teach you how to do things you hate!
Maddox: Wait a second!
Dick: Like, you specifically. Because you have a grudge against these things.
Dick: You hate iTunes. You hate Apple, and you hate Dropbox. Like, you hate imperfect, popular technologies, I think, because they're imperfect.
Maddox: (scoffs) Yes.
Dick: Yeah! (stammers) So, I'm not gonna sit there and argue with that ideology and try to teach you how to use it. I'll just do it.
Maddox: It's not…
Dick: (interjects) Like here, problem solved, done.
Maddox: But you're not addressing the data rental aspect of the argument, Dick.
Dick: (interjects) Again, don't interrupt and I will. It's not data rental, it's…you're renting the accessibility of your data. You should have a backup on your computer. The way Dropbox is set up, it copies the local folder you have onto the Cloud. So you always have it on your hard drive. Right? What you're paying for is the accessibility part. It's not the data. They don't…they don't own your data and then they're renting you your own data. They're just renting their services on it, which is all accessibility and sharing.
Maddox: Dick, that's a very myopic argument. It was a good argument, but very myopic. (Sean and Dick crack up) Because in essence…
Dick: I wanna jab your fuckin' eyeballs out so you're myopic, you fuck!
Maddox: (laughing) In essence, what Dropbox is doing, right…people are not using it the way you're suggesting. They're not using it for access to their data and they have backups and they're astute.
Dick: What are they using it for?
Maddox: And by the way, dickhead. By the way…let's go back to Dropbox being simple to use, and yet it doesn't fucking work. You logged in and I watched you download the files the exact same way I was trying to download. And then I tried multiple ways to download the files. (Dick guffaws) I tried to select…
Dick: (interjects) After I had gone? (grins)
Maddox: (stammers) No. Before. Before you came over to share it.
Dick: Oh. I remember why that didn't work. But go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, I'll tell you why it didn't work. Because I was trying to select multiple files to download at once, you know, just like a file folder, because that's Dropbox's big selling point. It's so fucking simple, it's just like a file system. You just click…you just control-click on every file and then right click and download, right? Doesn't fucking work.
Dick: Yeah, but that doesn't work, because when you do that with regular files, like, pictures and documents, it zips all those up and then sends you one zip to download. You were trying to download audio tracks, which were, like, 2 gigs apiece.
Dick: So it can't zip those all up and send them to you.
Maddox: Then why isn't the dipshit technology smart enough to know that, hey, these files are too big. It exceeds the person's quotient. And I'm not going to zip it up. You download these files individually.
Dick: It says that! It says "You have selected files that are too big to zip, you gotta download them one by one."
Maddox: Dick. Listen to me.
Dick: That's how I figured it out.
Maddox: Listen to what I…I did that! I tried to download them one by one. You fucking saw me. Individually, it still didn't work. It still said that I didn't have enough space on my system, and I logged out, logged back in. I did all the stupid bullshit troubleshooting, right?
Dick: Yeah, I don't know.
Maddox: You saw me do that.
Dick: Sounds like user error.
Maddox: Yeah. Sounds like the user here is the Dropbox employees who are programming their shitty software.
Maddox: Here's the thing, Dick. I'm not saying that I should be able to do that if the files are too big. I don't expect it to compress 2 gig files and then download those.
Dick: Right. You just want them.
Maddox: I expect the engineers to be smart enough to know that, hey, this person's quotient is exceeded if I zip up these files, so let's not zip up these files. Google doesn't do that.
Dick: It did…it doesn't. It doesn't zip up files that are too big. That was…that's what it says. It says "you tried to download to big of files."
Maddox: So, Dick, what's the solution? (condescending)
Dick: (even more condescending) Maddox, what? (cracks up) What?
Maddox: The solution is…for them to just let you download the file. Not to give me this HORSESHIT. I don't need to see these error codes.
Dick: Yeah but http can't send you multiple file requests on one click. Can it?
Maddox: Dick, you can have their software push it to your browser. If you do…if you click on all those things and have it downloaded, I don't know. Figure it out, guys.
Dick: I don't think you can do that. Well, that's the thing though. That's why your perfect world doesn't exist, because they have a list of things that they need to figure out and this is an extreme edge case that they'll never…
Dick: By the way, a free user, who would never pay for the software, YOU, needs.
Dick: Like, they're working on solutions for their big business customers.
Dick: Hell, they're probably trying to build their business division up so they can compete with Box.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, Dick, I want to go back to the other argument you made.
Dick: (guffaws) Okay.
Maddox: Right? Which is…you said that…that…the myopic argument you made. And here's why it's myopic.
Dick: Uh-huh. (big grin, irritated)
Maddox: Because users don't use it the way you were suggesting. They're not using it as access to their data. They're using it as their primary data location. And their endgame, Dropbox and Cloud storage, their endgame is to get you to use their service exclusively, because Google has released the Chrome Notebook.
Maddox: And the Chrome Notebook isn't meant to be a Notebook where you store your data. The data is all stored in the cloud.
Maddox: And they want you to rent it. That's what they're doing.
Dick: Well, I would be for that.
Maddox: Great, of course, why..why wouldn't you be?!
Dick: Because if you're looking at a system where the computer is…is just, like a free device that you have to access computing power and data storage on the Internet…
Dick: That's…that's kinda the same as buying a super expensive system, like a heavy client.
Dick: Controlling all or backing up yourself, if you just have like a light…what is it called, a light client? I don't think it's called that, but uh…a thin client.
Maddox: A thin client.
Dick: All your storage is on the Internet and you're just paying an access fee instead of the big lump sum at the beginning, it's…it's better.
Maddox: Well…so why don't you have a Chromebook, smart guy?
Dick: I don't think we're there yet.
Maddox: Ohhhhhh. (condescending, taunting)
Dick: I mean, I don't…Chrome…chromebook doesn't make sense for me. A lot…Dropbox does. I run all of my stuff off Dropbox.
Maddox: I know.
Dick: Because I can edit it on my phone, my laptop, or my computer, and it never fucks up.
Maddox: It always fucks up. It's awful software. (Dick sighs) It always, always fucks up. Every single time I log in to get my data, Dick, I don't appreciate seeing ads.
Dick: Why do you log in, though? Where are you logging in? It just goes on your system. It's in a shell.
Maddox: I misspoke. I don't mean…I don't mean log in. First of all, I…I'm not gonna run a fucking service on my system.
Maddox: Why do I have to run a service?!? Fuck you! My files are already on my computer! Guess what the service is!? My fucking hard drive. I can access it and I don't have to rent it!
Dick: Yeah. (sighs) Well.
Maddox: I don't have to pay! I don't have to be beholden to them. I don't have to be beholden to an Internet Service Provider…and then worrying about my data caps.
Maddox: Which you have to…and then suck Time Warner's Dick to increase, and then they think you're pirating files! (yells)
Dick: I am!
Maddox: And the NSA snoops on Dropboxes, did you know that?
Dick: They snoop on everything.
Dick: What do they not snoop on?
Maddox: They…yeah. Well, guess who's on the Dropbox Board of Directors? Condoleeza Rice.
Dick: Yeah, well.
Dick: What do you mean, yeah?
Maddox: Government shill. Listen to this. (Dick and Sean crack up) Literally. Literally. This is from ZDNet. I wanna continue reading this. "Dropbox responded to their data breach with a blog post, saying that it was addressing a vulnerability and that it was unaware of any abuse of this vulnerability, Clueley wrote."
Dick: Well, sure.
Maddox: Well, clearly, "despite Dropbox's protestations, users' data was exposed, otherwise files like this and this would have fallen into the hands of unauthorized parties." And they link to people's tax returns.
Maddox: Then they said, "Surely, when it comes to security, every user should be notified." Right? But there hasn't even been a tweet. It was the same when Dropbox responded to the Heart Bleed vulnerability. Just a blog post. If only there was some sort of machine or some sort of global communications system through which Dropbox could contact its customers.
Maddox: They don't do that. Dropbox is a shitty service. They don't care about their users' security. They don't care about their data security. And Dropbox doesn't reset all its users passwords when they get a data breach, did you know that? They don't. They, um…
Dick: (interjects) I'm trying to remember if mine was reset. Because every once in a while, I have to put in a new one and I have to reset it, 'cause something…
Dick: Something's gone wrong. But I don't pay attention to security emails.
Maddox: I know. Oh, I know you don't pay attention to security, buddy. (Dick guffaws) Only users…
Dick: This guy!!
Maddox: Only users think that…only users that they think might be affected…
Maddox: Are the ones they contact.
Dick: That's prudent.
Maddox: Oh, really? Real prudent, Dick! Well, frankly, I don't trust the same company who got their users' data breached to be competent to accurately know which user's data was breached. If they're too inept to keep their doors locked, they're probably too inept to know what was stolen in the first place.
Dick: Yeah, I don't know. Everyone gets hacked, man.
Maddox: Oh, okay. (scoffs)
Dick: Like, that's the way the Internet's set up.
Maddox: Sure. Sure! Everyone gets hacked.
Dick: Well, everyone's trying to not get hacked, but everyone gets hacked. What are you gonna do?
Dick: How long was Heart Bleed around before it got fixed?
Maddox: I don't know. (Austin burps)
Dick: I mean, what would you…what would you do? You can go code up a 2000-line file sharing piece of software…what do you…what do you want? What would you want it to do that Dropbox doesn't do that makes them so bad?
Maddox: Dick, we need to talk about something. Last episode, there was a big bug on the front page, which a lot of people commented on.
Dick: Oh, the slash?
Maddox: Yeah, the slash. You know anything about that? (grins)
Dick: Yeah. The…the program that I wrote so you could enter our problems into the back end of WordPress instead of having to use the database…
Maddox: (interjects) I use…yeah.
Dick: Had an ad…slash…had a character bug. Had an add slashes bug in it.
Dick: Now it has strip slashes like it's supposed to, but it didn't.
Dick: Tell us how Dropbox could be better.
Maddox: Okay. No…don't use it, for one! (Sean cracks up) Because I don't think that you should…
Dick: (interjects) Great solution!
Maddox: Yeah. Because Dropbox isn't a solution, Dick. I don't think you should have to rent your data all the time.
Maddox: That's their end game. Dropbox is renting data and Cloud storage is renting data. That's all it is. And then you constantly have to pay because…look. All companies are moving towards this business model where they are renting you movies, they're renting you games. You no longer own anything and you can't resell it. You can't keep it. And if the power goes out, if there's a flood at the data center, if your security is breached, everything's gone.
Dick: Yeah, well. I don't know.
Dick: I assume they have people looking at redundant copies of their data. They probably use Amazon's back end or something like it.
Maddox: Yeah. You would hope so, but…look, man. If Dropbox was as simple and useful as everybody says, I would use it.
Dick: Then everyone would be using it. No, 'cause you don't use iPhones. You don't use shit that works.
Maddox: iPhones don't work.
Dick: You have to know every single tiny minutia of everything before you'll use it. So you'll never use something like Dropbox.
Maddox: No…I would use Dropbox if they cared about data and they weren't renting it back to us. But, I mean, right now, I use…I'm kind of a hypocrite because I use…I use Cloud storage. I use Google Drive. Which is still another service that I'm having to rent my data on.
Dick: Yeah. They give to the NSA, too.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Sean, you…you look like you had something to say about this whole Dropbox thing. You like Dropbox, why?
Sean: Well…no. It's convenient. That's the only reason. And I use Google Drive, too.
Sean: But again, it's like…you were saying about how the people are using that for, like, their backup. Just because they're using it wrong doesn't mean that the…in other words…they're able to use it right, or correctly, if they want to, in other words, having a backup on their own computer and stuff, and just using it to transfer files. It's like, don't leave anything really important up there.
Dick: It's probably safer there than backed up on your computer anyway.
Sean: Does that make sense?
Maddox: No. No. (giggles) No, it's not actually. I have here…there was a bug in Dropbox. They released a patch. Remember how I said at the top of this problem how companies release patches sometimes that break their own software?
Maddox: Dropbox released a patch to cover the vulnerability of the password breach and effectively started deleting random users' files.
Dick: (laughing) Uh-oh.
Dick: That sucks.
Maddox: Woops. So it's ineffective. I don't trust Dropbox. I don't trust Cloud storage. It's an awful business model. I don't think I should have to constantly rent my data. If I buy a hard drive, I paid for it once and I can keep it for as long as I want.
Dick: Yeah, I just don't think that people want that.
Dick: They don't have to worry about their hard drive.
Maddox: Well, that's how the celebrity leak scandal happened, Dick. Everyone put their shit on Cloud storage.
Maddox: It all got compromised. And now we have this huge fucking scandal and everyone's a rapist.
Dick: Yeah. Everyone is. (giggles)
Dick: Or an accessory.
Dick: Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't think the solution is "don't use Dropbox", though.
Maddox: Don't use Dropbox. I absolutely…I mean, here's the thing. Dropbox is awful. They'er all different flavors of awful.
Maddox: But the trend is, Sean, not for people to use it as accessibility for their files. I mean, people do that all the time anyway. They email themselves files, and so on and so forth.
Maddox: But, because they can continue to do that, right now. Gmail has lots of storage that people can use. Over 2 gigs, I believe, like up to 5 or 6 gigs, right? You can email yourself. Well, I guess you can't email yourself files larger than 25 MBs, but…
Dick: No, you have to upload em first. You can, but you have to upload 'em to your Drive first.
Maddox: Oh, okay. So you upload it to Drive.
Dick: It does it automatically.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Again, Cloud storage. I don't think it's a solution. I think that if companies…there's gotta be a better way, man.
Dick: But isn't FTP just the same thing, it's just you had to set it up? Like would you feel more comfortable with your files on an FTP server?
Dick: 'Cause that's…I think that's a way bigger risk.
Maddox: No, because I trust myself. I trust myself to do a good job with my own security. I can have the password…first of all, I've never heard of a large-scale FTP breach where FTP as a service across the board was completely compromised. I've never heard of anything like that.
Dick: Well, no. It's the servers one by one that get hit.
Maddox: Exactly. Which is much more secure, whereas Dropbox is just one…
Dick: Well, that's much more obscure.
Maddox: Well…security through obfuscation is a thing.
Dick: It's a negative.
Dick: It's a big negative.
Dick: Yeah, security through obscurity is a bad thing.
Dick: Because it's not structurally secure, it just gives you the illusion that it's secure.
Dick: (interjects) Because you think you're secure 'cause you're a needle in a haystack, but you're fundamentally insecure.
Maddox: But, if they can't find that needle in a haystack, I mean, that's still…I would rather be a needle in a haystack that's insecure than the number one target where it's just one straw instead of a haystack.
Dick: No. That's true.
Sean: What if somebody brings a magnet?
Dick: That's true. Good point, Sean.
Maddox: (scoffs) Great, Sean. Good job, Sean.
Dick: What are you gonna say, Austin? You look like you have something to say.
Austin: You guys are nerds. (they all crack up) I don't give a fuck about this. (laughs)
Maddox: Well, that's my problem.
Dick: (sighs) Oh, man. (grins)
Maddox: Cloud storage and Dropbox.
Dick: Alright. (laughing) My problem is…um…what was my problem? Oh yeah. Helping Friends Move. You got anything you want to pitch, Austin? You got anything about soup and blankets you wanna pitch?
Dick: Austin and I are doing an art project for Burning Man.
Maddox: Yeah. He sent me…he sent me a file at, like, 3 in the morning and was like, "Hey man, can you blow this up or anything?" (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Enhance? What do you mean? Oh, to print?
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) To print.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause he needed printed on a 12 foot by 12 foot banner.
Sean: How did he send it?
Austin: It's not a banner. It's a giant inflatable.
Maddox: Yeah. A giant inflatable.
Dick (interjects) Austin, explain what we're doing!
Austin: I can't. (giggles)
Austin: This is..you know what we're doing. What are we going? Alright.
Dick: People are listening. Explain to people who are listening.
Austin: It's called Soup-Flavored Blankets. We're giving soup and blankets out and blankets that might be flavored like soup. You'll have to lick the blanket to figure out if it's actually soup flavored.
Maddox: Alright, well. (Austin cracks up)
Austin: I can't even tell you what I'm doing, to be honest. I'm just kinda running with a baton in my hand and we're just gonna see what happens.
Dick: That's great. Great idea.
Maddox: So he sent me a file early in the morning and he was like…he calls me up and he goes…"I need to print this picture of myself on this inflatable."
Dick: If anybody knows about printing pictures of themselves, it's you. (they all laugh)
Austin: I went to the pro. I went directly to the pro.
Maddox: You went to the pro. Right to the source.
Austin: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. Um, so I told him, I'm like, "Okay Austin, just send me the highest resolution file you have; the higher, the better." And so he sends me these files he saved off of Facebook.
Austin: I didn't save th…I just clicked and dragged and dropped, 'cause I don't have a home and I don't have shit lying around, so I decided to go with what's on the Internet.
Maddox: So he sent me this file…the resolution was 640x640.
Dick: Oh, pretty good.
Austin: That's just what Facebook is. I just clicked and dragged Facebook photos off.
Maddox: Yeah. At 72 dpi. So I blew up, (giggles) and of course it looks like, just sand. (giggles) Just like…but I cleaned it up! I made it look pretty good. And then he ended up…
Austin: (interjects) But the final solution was "this photo sucks."
Dick: Sieg Heil.
Austin: "It won't look good blown up." And I had to have a friend go all the way to my mom's house in fucking Iowa, grab a picture off the fucking shelf. (Dick giggles) Go to Kinko's, scan that shit high resolution, and then that's the solution to the problem.
Austin: 'Cause I don't understand what the fuck you're talking about with numbers and letters. 72 dpi? Fuck off. What the fuck. (Maddox laughs) It's a picture. Make it look good. Blow it up. Who cares? (laughs)
Dick: Did you buy them a pizza at least?
Austin: No, I didn't even buy him a pizza.
Dick: Oh. (disappointed)
Maddox: Yeah, nothing.
Austin: He didn't pick me up at the fucking airport, either.
Maddox: Well. (Maddox and Austin laugh)
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Well, that's…that's my problem this week. (Dick and Austin crack up)
Austin: Fuck you!
Maddox: Cloud storage.
Dick: See you next week, guys.
Dick: Oh, boy. You know what I wanna hear about? Smash Brothers.
Maddox: Oh, boy. Which I…I got a volley! I'm ready for my Smash Brothers. Let's hear these guys. Let's hear these dickheads.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey, Maaaaddox! I just wanted to call in and tell you about your whole 'Smash Bros is not a real fighter'. (Maddox laughs) There was a recent Street Fighter tournament. (Dick guffaws) Where one of these "top players in the world" did nothing but crouch and block the entire game.
"And then he…all he did was crouch/block the entire game."
Maddox: Cool. Sound like a good strategy.
"Maybe once or twice he went in and got a hit, but then he sat back down in his little crouching block…"
Maddox: This guy should be an announcer. (Dick laughs)
"All day…if that's your best mission on Street Fighter…"
Dick: Boom goes the dynamite. (laughing)
"Like, a competitive Street Fighter game…"
(they all crack up)
"That's…that is the dumbest thing I've ever…it's basically as good as you doing half-circle special all game as Ryu, but still losing." (Dick laughs) "I remember that stream. Goodbye, Maddox. And oh, one last thing…Street Fighter sucks."
Dick: Oh. Took a sharp left.
Maddox: In at the buzzer.
Dick: What do you think?
Maddox: Wow. The dumbest thing I've ever heard was that voice mail.
Dick: Yeah. (giggles)
Maddox: I'll tell you why Smash Brothers isn't a real fighting game. Here's the thing, Dick. Would you expect, when you're playing a game, for the rules of that game to be consistent. Right? That's a very basic thing.
Dick: Yeah. (blown away that we're still arguing about this)
Maddox: You want the rules to be consistent. You want to know that when you do something, it's going to do something every single time the exact same way, when you press a button. Right?
Dick: Sure. On a computer game?
Maddox: In Smash Brothers…yeah.
Dick: Yeah, I'd be surprised if it did not. (giggles)
Maddox: Exactly. And here's why Smash Brothers is not a fighting game, and barely a game. Because there are random elements in every stage that…there are stages that, uh…that cause your character to fall off, and they collapse, and then Smash Brothers players, they counter with, "well, you can turn those off in competition play." Right? In competitive play, you can turn that off. But even if you turn off all random encounters, like, all the random things, which, by the way…powerups. You can get random powerups during the match. Do you think that's conducive to a fair tournament? If you wanna know if one player is as good as another player, you want them to be matched up and you don't want any chance, any random encounter chance to happen, right?
Dick: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Dick: Okay, yeah, actually. That's a huge…'cause it's like an NFL game…
Dick: Like, people aren't just, like, throwing poison Gatorades into the middle of their regular Gatorades, like, randomly.
Dick: Throughout the play.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: So there are random powerups in Smash Brothers.
Dick: Because then it wouldn't be a sport anymore. Like, how can you bet on that?
Dick: You know?
Maddox: There's…there's an element of chance. So then they counter, "Well…"
Dick: (laughing) Pulling their pants down randomly!
Dick: On the…(trails off)
Maddox: So then they counter, they say "well, you can turn that off, too." But you know what you can't turn off, and this is endemic in every single Smash Brothers game.
Maddox: Still. If you turn off every single random stage effect and random powerup. It still, occasionally, your character will just trip for no reason. You character, while walking, will trip.
Dick: Oh. (scoffs)
Maddox: Because the creators of the game didn't want it to be a fighting game. They intentionally put that in…
Dick: It's a party game.
Maddox: It's a party game. That's why it's never going to be a serious fighting game, fuck off.
Dick: Okay, that's the best argument you've made so far. 'Cause that's, like, the first base umpire just tripping a guy randomly.
Dick: As he's running to first. Like, huh?
Maddox: You can't bet on that. You need consistent rules for a fighting game. Fuck off, Smash Brothers isn't a fighting game. And it's barely a video game. Eat shit.
Dick: Alright. I'm not even gonna play the other…the other…
Maddox: More Smash Brothers arguments?
Dick: Yeah, because that's it.
Maddox: Good. Garbage.
Dick: That's it. It's not a…it's not a contest if there's random shit involved.
(Sound effect: applause)
Dick: Here's one about Star Trek, though.
(Voice mail: (purposely whiny male voice): "Hey guys. This is Section 31 Agent 1337. (they all crack up) You guys are such idiots. (laughing) Dianna…(inaudible) Troy. She is not even a telepath. She can't read minds. She's an empath, you idiots. Which means that she can…
Dick: Sean's nodding. Sean knew that.
...read feelings, not specific thoughts. Leave it to you IDIOTS, I'm talking to you, Dick. (they all laugh)
And you, Maddox!! To get that wrong. You guys aren't real Trekkies. (Maddox cracks up loudly) You should go fuck yourselves!!")
Maddox: Thank you for that compliment.
Dick: Sean, you're nodding like you knew that all along.
Sean: It's one of the weird things I remember from that. I didn't see that whole series until really recently.
Dick: Uh, that's…I think that's…
Sean: It's good! It's good. It's well-written.
Dick: That's the great way to do it.
Sean: I was never into that stuff.
Dick: Uh, and it still holds up.
Maddox: The Next Generation? Yeah.
Sean: No, it's good stories.
Maddox: Not enough for me to call myself a Trekkie. I don't give a shit.
Dick: What? We never asked you what you first jerkoff memory was.
Sean: What, that's, like, private information, man.
Dick: Me too! Me too.
Sean: And if somebody…if somebody hacks the server…they'll find.
Dick: A hot chick…a hot chick will draw it for you, though, if you say what it is!!!
Maddox: Yeah. It's not private information if it's on Dropbox, my friend! (Dick laughs)
Austin: That's the kind of stuff he saves. Yeah.
Dick: Lemme guess.
Sean: That's the only thing I leave on Dropbox.
Dick: Was it something musical? Was it, like, Jimi Hendrix lighting his guitar on fire?
Sean: It was a saxophone.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Oh, it was a saxophone?
Maddox: Was a sousaphone, wasn't it. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Bum, bum, bum, bum.
Austin: De doo, de doo, de doo, de doo. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: What? You're looking at me like I'm gonna answer.
Dick: Yeah! You will. Come on.
Maddox: Sean, we'll get you to crack.
Dick: Otherwise, I'll get Cool Sean to answer.
Maddox: Ohhh, Cool Sean!! Let's get Cool Sean to answer.
Sean: What do you mean, like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! (Dick and Maddox cracking up)
Maddox: Cool Sean. So if you guys don't remember…
Dick: Cool Sean will answer.
Maddox: If you guys don't remember, we had Cool Sean do the voice of Sean in our Solutions episode. When Sean's solution got mysteriously cut.
Sean: What about the…what about the other one? (Dick guffaws) When I ripped that guy on the voice mail?