Problem: Trans Fats/Partially Hydrogenated Oils [00:13:16]
Problem: People Who Don't Value Science [00:27:25]
Problem: Initiating a Conversation [00:46:36]
The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 62
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from ants to AIDS, with over 3.5 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I am Maddox, with me is Dick.
Dick: Hey!! What's up buddy? (grinning)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Dick: PERFECT, man!
Dick: Do you know what they do in radio? This is...I learned this on radio. They are trained to, like, read out with the music until the vocals start with the music. Like, the announcer should stop talking when the vocals of the song kick in.
Maddox: Oh yeah. It's a real talent, uh, when the drop comes in.
Dick: And you have it naturally!
Maddox: Oh, thanks man! I actually learned from one of the best in the business, Mike O'Meara. I've listened to The Don and Mike Show forever, and they...
Maddox: Now it's just The Mike O'Meara Show. One of my favorite broadcasters of all time. He is a natural. He is a pro, and I've learned from him. I've...I listened to him for years and years. But before we go on, Dick, I need to mention, we have a very special guest with us today: Robin Higgins!
Maddox: Welcome to the show, Robin. So Robin Higgins is a comedian -
Dick: (interjects) Hello Robin. (sexy tone)
Maddox: (cracks up) Okay.
Robin: Hello. (smiling)
Dick: The lovely Robin Higgins.
Maddox: Already...already, Dick. Already. Skeezing out our guest. What's this, what's...this has gotta be a record! 30 seconds into the episode. Robin is a comedian and a writer living in LA. She's the founder of The Higgs Weldon comedy website. It's a literary comedy website, and has written a play about the sex lives of the crew of the Starship Enterprise. (Dick, Sean, and Maddox laugh)
Dick: That's true?!
Robin: It's true. I played Deanna Troi.
Dick: Ohh! She...
Maddox: Whoooooa, mama.
Dick: Man, there were...those were two hot chicks on that show.
Robin: Oh yeah.
Dick: Like, looking back on it?
Robin: Oh yeah.
Dick: Absolutely nothing. Not even movement down there. But watching it as a kid, it was like, "Oh my god, look at this! We got a fiery redhead over here, and this one that could read your mind? I'm thinkin' dirty stuff for YOU, baby."
Robin: It was in the play.
Maddox: Who was the most amorous in the play?
Robin: Uh, Riker.
Maddox: Rik-...of course, Riker.
Robin: Yeah. And then we had Deanna, you know, bitching that he was having too many gross thoughts...et cetera.
Maddox: Oh that's right, she's a mind reader!
Maddox: Oh, that's trouble. If you're ever banging a mind reader...'cause like, if another person pops into your mind or porn that you've watched, or some...something.
Dick: She's gonna be like, "Why are you always thinking about bags of sand when you're in bed with me?" (Maddox and Robin laugh)
Dick: Okay, tell us about the play.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) (giggles)
Dick: I wanna hear more about this play. What is...what's the...what made you think of it? What is it about?
Robin: It's about...you know. I mean, the Star Trek universe, great universe, but they never...they way they address sex is so bizarre, right? Like, they'll have like 5 seasons and then you'll give Picard, like, looking...giving one glance and then it's over, and then that's all you get about their entire sex lives.
Robin: So I wrote, uh, in a play -
Dick: (interjects) And you know HE'S bangin'.
Robin: Oh, yeah!
Dick: Right? Sexy Picard?
Robin: I mean, they kinda tell you. He bangs this one archaeologist chick, and uh...then, like, almost bangs Crusher a buncha times?
Robin: And then they eventually just talk about how he's super guilty 'cause he was the indirect cause of her husband's death.
Robin: Also, fun fact for you guys. In my real life, first person I ever jerked it to: Wesley Crusher. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Dick: The...the boy?!
Maddox: Wil Wheaton??
Robin: Oh, yeah. (grinning)
Dick: The child?
Robin: OH yeah.
Maddox: Oh no, Wil Wheaton! (Dick giggles) First of all, that is surprising on so many levels, that -
Dick: (interjects) With the rainbow lapel?!
Robin: Oh, yeah. (Dick giggles more)
Maddox: Oh, n-... (laughs) Wil Wheaton!
Robin: It was really doin' it for me. (cracks up)
Maddox: Oh my god, are you kidding me? So do you still crush on Wil Wheaton today in real life?
Robin: I mean, it's impossible not to, right?
Maddox: Ohoho, well, I'll...it's very possible, Robin. (Robin chuckles) It's very po-...you're lookin' at a room full of people who've never jerked it to Wesley Crusher. Dick, have you?
Dick: Uh, absolutely not. No, I was thinking that my first jerk was probably to one of the American Gladiators. (Robin laughs) You're bringin' back alotta memories. Either Elektra or Diamond, I think.
Maddox: Mine was, um...a video game character. (Dick snorts) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No...no. (giggling) No, dickhead!
Maddox: Not Luigi!! It's this girl named -
Dick: (interjects) Map Land? (chuckles)
Maddox: No, it's a girl named Mary from a video game called "Quartet" on the Sega Master System. (laughs with Robin)
Dick: Oh my god.
Maddox: She -
Robin: (interjects) You know, those are just as bad as mine!
Maddox: Yeah. She had a spa-...she had a jet pack, and I thought...you know, I...whatever. (muttering) Um...
Robin: What did you think? What was happening with the jet pack?
Maddox: You know. I just thought we'd, you know, we'd do a...we'd go off and... (clears throat) You know, s-...uh...
Dick: She'd take you up on her jet pack like she was Superman and you were Lois Lane? (smiles)
Maddox: Uh...yeah, some...I mean, I had my own jet pack too. I didn't need her jet pack.
Robin: Okay. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, we just kinda flew off and fought aliens together and, like, made ou-...like, made out pretty hard. You know?
Dick: Oh. (amused)
Sean: You knew this was gonna make a hard left into weird, huh? (Dick and Maddox laugh hysterically)
Dick: I did! (squeaking)
Maddox: Ah!! Okay, let's move on. That's enough of that! Uh... (laughs more)
Dick: Okay, so in your play, how dirty is your play?
Robin: It's really -
Dick: (interjects) Like, are people having full hardcore sex on the stage?
Robin: Well, no, because we did our orgy scene on video. (cracking up)
Dick: (chuckles) Oh, that's...that's real!
Robin: The theme of the play is that Beverly is f-...uh, dating all of the Borg.
Dick: Oho, okay.
Maddox: All of the Borg!
Dick: Well, they're a hivemind!
Dick: The Borg.
Dick: So you have to date them all.
Maddox: Would that be a Borg-bang?
Maddox: A gang-Borg? Gang-Borg.
Dick: A Borg-gy. (Maddox laughs)
Robin: Ooo, I like that one the best.
Maddox: A Borg-gy! You nailed it, that's it.
Maddox: I don't think I can improve that.
Dick: Are there sci-fi puns in your play?
Robin: There's alotta sci-fi puns.
Dick: Do you know any off the top of your head?
Robin: No, I forgot all those lines.
Dick: Ah, dammit.
Robin: Months ago. (chuckles)
Maddox: Hmm, there's gotta be a phaser one in there.
Maddox: Okay. Um...let's -
Dick: (interjects) Set your phasers on "premature." (sexy tone) (Robin and Maddox laugh)
Robin: Please don't do that.
Dick: That's how I do it. (grins)
Dick: Sucks to be you!
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: Is that a holo-DICK you got in your p-...? Okay. (muttering) (Dick and Sean laugh)
Robin: That's pretty good.
Sean: That's funny. (giggling in background)
Maddox: Alright guys, let's move on. So Robin, as you're familiar with the show, we vote on the problems that we debate every week to see which problem deserves to be on the big list of problems. The biggest list of problems in the universe, right? The #1 problem from last week was Wage Theft!
Dick: Oh, yesssss. (growling)
Maddox: Fol-... (cracks up) Followed by -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, man. Beam me up, Scotty.
Maddox: Followed by People Texting In Public Walkways, my afterthought of a problem everybody agreed with.
Dick: It's true.
Maddox: And then, uh, Stoner Marketing. All of them in the positive territory.
Dick: Oh, it's a win then! Everybody wins. (Maddox starts laughing) Everybody wins if they're all in the positive, right?!
Maddox: Dick, that...no!!
Dick: Do I understand the show yet? (laughs)
Maddox: No, you still don't! No! NO. I got a comment from Nicky Jay. He says, "My favorite part of the show is when Maddox spends a good 10 to 15 minutes explaining his problem using stats, examples, and research." (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: "With Dick's only response being, 'So what's the problem?'" (laughs)
Dick: Yeah, well...fuck it, man. I got a comment here from Terrence Williams. This is a quote. Uh, this is a quote from me from the last episode: "I'm only playing this song because Jack Horner died." (Maddox laughs) He says, "You mean James Horner, Dick. Way to disrespect the dead. Get raped." (Sean chuckles in the background) Um...and he's absolutely right. So I do wanna say that I meant...I meant JAMES Horner, and to make up for it I'm gonna r-... (Maddox groans quietly) I'm gonna replay the tribute. [plays "My Heart Will Go On" parody]
Maddox: DAMMIT! This...I knew... (stammers, flustered)
Dick: 'Cause I did win.
Maddox: You know, a small part of me hoped it was something different. Something different in...insofar as, like, anything.
Dick: Yeah. No, but you have to get a man's tribute right.
Robin: This is the first CD I ever bought, from Ross Dress for Less. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Of course it's in Ross Dress for Less.
Robin: It's a terrible CD. It's this song and then 18 tracks of boat noises. (Maddox and Dick laugh loudly)
Male singer: Maddox is an asshole, and he can go fuck himself...
Maddox: Was it this version too, by Grant Mooney?
Male singer: ...his problems all suck and he deseeeeeerves this.
Maddox: This piece o' shit song I've heard -
Dick: (interjects) What'd you think of this movie? Titanic?
Robin: I saw it 3 times in theaters.
Maddox: Oh my god.
Dick: You're gonna -
Robin: (interjects) I was, like, a 12-year-old girl. Let's give me some credit. (chuckles)
Dick: You're gonna see 30 more seconds of it tonight. (Maddox laughs)
Male singer: Keeeeep playing these Tiiiiitanic clips...
Maddox: Okay, there's this ongoing bit that's AWFUL, and not funny and fucking terrible and it hurts me! It hurts me personally every time Titanic is played anywhere.
Male singer: ...and Dick, youuuu can go on and...
Dick: This is a tribute though. Don't talk like this about the man's music. This is a guy who died. This is a tribute to James Horner.
Maddox: (yells) I sh-...
Dick: James Horner.
Maddox: I made an off comment about Nintendo's president dying last episode. [song ends] I'm not gonna...of COURSE I'm gonna shit on James Horner.
Dick: You wanna hear a voicemail about that, uh, off comment you made?
Maddox: Uh-huh, let's hear it. (laughs) [Dick plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Okay, I just called and I was really pissed off, so I kinda fucked up in my voicemail so I'm gonna try it again!
Dick: Just start it again then. (laughs with Maddox)
Voicemail: Fuck you, Maddox! You made a comment about the Nintendo CEO dying, and that was really fucked up considering how soon he died, but that's not even the point. (Dick imitates "Mario dies" theme music) Dude was a great developer...you know, a great programmer, ported alotta games over, and was a gamer at heart. If you even respect... (Maddox laughs) ...you know, what he was about...
Maddox: "If you even respect..." (nasal voice)
Voicemail: ...you wouldn't have been such an asshole, (Maddox laughs more) and making such a comparison and making fun of his death like that!
Dick: Yeah. Think about that.
Maddox: I didn't...
Voicemail: Like, if you're a programmer, then you should know how rare good programmers are. I mean, yes, there are a lot of good programmers to an extent, but...
Maddox: There's one in this room. (giggles)
Dick: You're right. (laughs with Maddox)
Voicemail: ...dude was good enough to become CEO of Nintendo. Like, we're ta-...you know, just...I don't even have to fuckin' explain myself!! Like, fuck you! Like, seriously!
Maddox: Wait wait, so the end of that voicemail was: "Like, I don't even have to explain myself. Like, fuck you, seriously." So that was -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, fuck you, man. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That was his argument. So many -
Dick: (interjects) It's what he's sayin'! It's a good argument.
Maddox: So many butthurt fanboys...and you know what? They were butthurt not about my comment about the president of Nintendo passing, but Smash Brothers. Because I said -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, st-...oh, STOP.
Maddox: I said... (cracks up)
Dick: Stop, we have a guest! We're not getting into Smash Brothers shit this week. (Robin and Maddox laughing)
Maddox: We...all I said was that he died of shame...
Maddox: ...at releasing Smash Brothers.
Dick: Ugh, god.
Maddox: Look guys, I didn't make fun of the president of Nintendo dying, you fucking idiots! I'm...I love Nintendo!! I'm a big Nintendo fan! Thank God for Nintendo. I'll go on the record defending Nintendo to my GRAVE. I love that company.
Dick: Yeah, it was your first jerkoff memory, apparently. (Robin laughs) To Nintendo, something!
Maddox: It was Sega. (Dick giggles) It was a System 16 game.
Sean: What about Mario Paint?
Maddox: Oh! Yeah, actually! So that...so the first time I ever drew porn... (Dick and Robin burst out laughing) ...was to Mario Paint, 'cause I didn't have porn. I grew up in Utah, and the first time I ever started jerking it...well, actually the first time...the first time I jerked it, it wasn't to any thought. It was just kinda, like, experimentation. Like, "What is this thing that's happening?"
Maddox: But then I didn't have porn, and I drew my own in, uh, in Mario Paint.
Dick: Yeah. (Robin snickers) Okay. Moving on. You got anything else?
Maddox: Yeah, I got one more comment. This -
Robin: (interjects) What was the porn of?
Maddox: It was... (cracks up) So, it was this girl on all fours, like doggy style, right? And then she was like, "Ohh!" You know, and I wanted to use...I got tired of drawing, 'cause everything I had to draw manually, and it looked kinda like an MS Paint drawing. And then... (laughs) And then I got tired of drawing, and I wanted me in there, like on top of her? (Robin chuckles)
Maddox: So I just used the default Mario stamp of him riding Yoshi and, like, erased Yoshi so it looked like he was behind the chick, and I pretended that was me.
Dick: And you wanted you to be in the porn?
Dick: You would jerk off to porn of yourself?
Maddox: I prefer...
Dick: Like Patrick Bateman in American Psycho...
Maddox: I... (laughs)
Dick: ...looking at himself in the mirror while he's having sex with himself.
Maddox: Okay, no joke, people go through phases in their porn habits and things like that. The last phase I was on is I was only into porn where the guy looked like me. (Dick giggles in surprise) And...is that weird? Why is everyone...?!
Dick: That is WAY weird.
Dick: That's gotta be weird, man. (grins)
Maddox: It's like, you don't even have to think! It's like, "There I am!"
Dick: Well, f-... (Maddox laughs) First of all, how much lookin' at the GUY are you doing in a porn?
Maddox: Well, you know, you -
Dick: (interjects) Just enough to check that he looks like you, and then you're onto yourself? (Robin laughing)
Maddox: You get a glance, and you're like, "Alright, that's me."
Dick: Do they...do you... (Maddox giggles) Does JibJab need to open a porn site for guys like you? Where you upload a picture and then they just put it, like, Terrance and Phillip-style all over the guy that's getting his...? (Robin laughs)
Maddox: I can tell you right now, there's 5 bucks in their bank if they have that. I got a comment from Chris Griffith. He says, "I'm surprised that Maddox didn't talk about Ben Curtis, the 'Dude, you're getting a Dell!' guy." Remember that kid?
Maddox: So I talked about stoner marketing last time, and he was, like, kind of a classic stoner icon for the Dell company for a long time.
Dick: Sure! Yeah.
Maddox: He's like, "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell."
Maddox: So he was that kinda stoner character, and then he literally got fired for trying to buy a bag of marijuana!
Dick: Ohhh, that's a shame.
Maddox: That's a perfect example of what I was talking about last time.
Dick: That's a shame.
Dick: I don't like it.
Maddox: Should we, uh...should we get this boat, uh...?
Dick: I got, um...well, I got one thing. This was sent in by an employment attorney. I'll read some of it. So this guy's basically saying...Tyler Freiburger. Um...that he does most of his work against small and medium-sized companies, which I thought was interesting. He says he "exclusively sues employers for some of the practices that you mentioned on the show regarding wage theft: denying breaks, retaliation, denying proper payment, as well as workplace discrimination. While I have filed against some big corporations, most of them have legal teams telling them not to do...to follow the laws because they don't want to deal with this shit. The biggest violators of employment laws are small companies: 10 to 30 employees," which I thought was interesting.
Dick: It kinda pokes a hole in that, like, big corporations are ruining people's lives, when in fact this guy's saying it's the small corpor-...the mom-and-pop shops that are just, like, screwing people over.
Maddox: I could see that.
Dick: Yeah, sucks!
Maddox: I could see that, yeah.
Maddox: The bigger corporations probably play a little bit more by the, uh, by the rules.
Robin: They also define the rules by horrible lobbying. (chuckles)
Maddox: Well, that's true.
Dick: Awesome, that's a good point.
Maddox: Yeah, there you go.
Dick: Alright. I do have...actually, I'll save this. Do we wanna get...let's get started on some problems.
Maddox: Okay. My first problem this week is trans fats!
Maddox: Trans fats.
Dick: Like Chaz Bono?
Maddox: No... (cracks up) (rimshot sound effect) (Sean chuckles in the background) Dick!
Dick: Hey, that's a big problem.
Robin: Nonono, wait, I'll give you accuracy points. (Dick laughs loudly)
Maddox: We talked about this at the top of the show. We...I thought we all got it out of our system.
Dick: No, no, no. (laughing)
Maddox: You made all the...okay. No.
Maddox: No, dickhead.
Dick: What are you talkin' about? (grinning)
Maddox: (laughs quietly) You f-...fuckin' asshole. Uh, NO. Trans fats, Dick. You know, the nasty fats that you're not supposed to eat, that... (stammers) The thing you see on labels, food labels, everywhere: "no trans fats."
Dick: Oh, I'll tell you this. I know what they are...I mean, I know the word. I have no fuckin' idea what they are.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I'm gonna get into that. But first of all, do you...Robin, do you know what the leading cause of death in the world is? I bet you do.
Robin: In the world?
Robin: This is...oh, man.
Dick: Let everybody guess before you give the answer away.
Dick: What do you think? I'll guess first.
Dick: It's getting hit by a bicycle.
Maddox: Wrong!! (everyone else laughs) Fuck you! You fucking... (Dick giggling hysterically) (buzzer sound effect) ...idiot. NO.
Dick: Okay. Robin, you go.
Robin: Oh, man. Okay yeah, I gotta say something, 'cause I really wanna get it right but I can't just sit here for 20 minutes, and I'm -
Maddox: (interjects) What would you -
Dick: (interjects) Well, it's probably people flickin' their bean to death looking at Wil Wheaton. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Wil Wh-...Wil Wheaton. (laughs)
Dick: Looking at Star Trek reruns. Ambulances are getting dispatched all over when Channel 9 plays Star Trek reruns.
Robin: I mean, I'm on 14-plus years and I'm doin' okay. Um, I would say... (stammers) I don't know, car crash.
Dick: Car crash?
Robin: I know, I know.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Robin: What is it?
Maddox: Sean, do you care to guess? (Dick mouths "heart disease")
Sean: I'll go heart disease.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Correct!
Dick: Show-off. (grins)
Maddox: Coronary heart disease. 611,000 people die every year from coronary heart disease.
Maddox: #1 killer. #1! More than diabetes, Alzheimer's, accidents, suicide, and lower respiratory disease combined. All those combined don't even compare.
Maddox: To coronary heart disease.
Robin: And that's worldwide?
Maddox: Yeah! Worldwide, yeah.
Robin: Wow, okay.
Maddox: And trans fat intake has been shown to consistently be associated with heart disease. And this isn't one of those things where, "Well, it correlates but it doesn't cause it, blah blah blah." There's -
Dick: (interjects) Like using your cell phone causes brain cancer? One of those things?
Maddox: Yeah, it's not one of those things.
Maddox: There's a lot of research to show that, uh, that trans fats have been shown to increase coronary heart disease. Um, this -
Dick: (interjects) What is it? Do you know what a trans fat is? I don't wanna just skip around on your problem, but that might help.
Maddox: Yeah, so trans fats came from -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I know what is a cholesterol, but I don't know what is a trans fats. (Robin chuckles)
Maddox: Oh, you know what a cholesterol is?
Maddox: Okay. (laughs) This is from CNN, "The history of trans fat." So back in 1912, there was a guy named Paul Sabatier, I think is his name. He won the Nobel Prize in chemistry for discovering this hydrogenation method so that nickel could be used as a catalyst to create a chemical reaction between hydrogen and other compounds, creating partially hydrogenated oils.
Maddox: So basically what they were trying to do is find a way to make oil and butter in kind of, like, a solid a form so that they could transport it more easily.
Maddox: And more cheaply.
Dick: Oh, that's interesting.
Maddox: Yeah, so...'cause there's a lot of logistical problems with trying to keep butter fresh.
Dick: Well, that's like Napoleon invented margarine to supply his troops with a butter alternative.
Maddox: Is that...is that true?
Dick: I learned...that's what they said on Mad Men. That's where I learned that.
Maddox: Oh, well it's gotta be true if it was on Mad Men.
Dick: They do better research than me.
Maddox: Yeah, well... (laughs) Yeah, so does, uh, so does a preschooler. Um...there was a guy named Wilhelm Normann. He discovered a process for hardening fat and was awarded a patent for converting liquid oils into a thicker, firmer substance through the process of hydrogenation. They made this solid for commercial reasons because it was less likely to spoil and cheaper to produce and transport, what I just said. Crisco was the first consumer product introduced to the market by Procter and Gamble that included a trans fat.
Maddox: A government ration in 1943 put a freeze on butter sales to help the war effort, resulting in a boost for margarine containing trans fat. I don't know if they're talking about that, uh...I don't know if Napoleon actually invented margarine.
Dick: I'm pretty sure he did.
Maddox: Okay. (cracks up)
Dick: I heard it somewhere.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing) Well, the American Heart Association encouraged people to limit trans fats in 1957, which led to the advocacy groups in 1984 to get fast food companies to replace saturated fat with partially hydrogenated oils containing trans fat.
Maddox: So this trans fat is something that comes about as a byproduct of this process of turning liquid oils into solid oils, and they use nickel to do that, the metal nickel.
Dick: Can I ask you somethin'?
Dick: Robin, can I ask you somethin'?
Dick: What do you eat? Like, what's your...do you...lemme -
Robin: (interjects) In my life?
Robin: Today I had a delicious sandwich that had avocado...
Dick: Was it organic?
Robin: I don't...well, it all came from Gelson's, because -
Dick: (interjects) That's a pretty fancy store.
Robin: Yeah, 'cause it was the closest grocery store.
Dick: Gelson's is a fancy supermarket.
Maddox: It's a fancy supermarket, yeah.
Robin: I begrudgingly go to Gelson's now 'cause it's one block from my new house.
Dick: People will carry little dogs into Gelson's, right?
Robin: Well, that's just everywhere in California now.
Maddox: Oh, it's the worst.
Dick: So the reason I ask is because I know everybody hates, like, the organic movement and everybody flips out saying like, "Oh, organic doesn't mean anything," and I know that it doesn't, and blah blah blah blah blah. But I feel like putting some time into figuring out what food you're putting into your body vis-a-vis at least starting with organic, like shopping somewhere fancy like Gelson's or Whole Foods, which I know...I hate every single word on the wall of Whole Foods and how they tell you what farm the green beans came from.
Dick: Like, they've got a picture of some dopey Mexican farmer like, "Hey, uh, these green beans came from me! Like, I personally hugged all these green beans!" (Sean guffaws in the background)
Robin: Yeah, but if you don't know that stuff then how can you feel better than everybody else? (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Well, what I'm sayin' i-...yeah.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) Whoops! I meant this one. ('ding!' sound effect) (laughs with Robin)
Dick: Yeah. Yes, and the only reason I bring it up is because look, I just...I hope that they're not...that these trans fats are found in, like, shit food, and that I'm paying a little bit more and whatever buying into this marketing hype and not encountering these stupid trans fats that are gonna give me a heart attack.
Robin: I have some boring chemistry knowledge I could throw at you guys about the word "trans."
Maddox: Yes, let's hear it. Yeah.
Robin: Well, it's referring to the orientation of a bond within the fat that's a double bond, and so you can have -
Dick: (interjects) Oo, a double bond. Alright. (sexy voice)
Robin: That's right. (cracking up) Much stronger than a single bond.
Maddox: DB. (laughs to himself)
Robin: So you can have kind of a...a 'U'? If it's a cis and both little things are sticking off of the same side?
Dick: What little things? What little things would be sticking out?
Robin: Whatever the carbon is bonded to.
Robin: Or you can have a trans, where one's pointing up and one pointing down, and that one is a lot...it stacks easier.
Maddox: So it doesn't...
Maddox: What I understood in doing my research, Robin, is that these trans fats are harder for your body to absorb and so they thought it was healthier and so, like, it would flush through your system, and what they found is it doesn't. The opposite happens. It just stays inside -
Dick: (interjects) Clogs up.
Maddox: Yeah, it stays inside your system forever, and can clog your arteries and all sorts of...cause all sorts of nasty stuff. Is that...?
Robin: Well, that would be too biological for me to know. I can just tell you what the chemical looks like, and -
Dick: (interjects) What do you...why do you know so much about chemicals? What are you...are you, like, cookin' meth on the side or what's goin' on here?
Maddox: Yeah, you have...you have a chemistry background, right?
Robin: Yeah! Mhm.
Maddox: You're a chemist?
Robin: I was. I quit.
Maddox: Okay, you were.
Robin: To do this!
Maddox: Okay. (cracks up)
Robin: To tell dick jokes. (laughs with Maddox)
Dick: You're a chemist and you like Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Dick: And you're tellin' dick jokes. What's goin' on...what's your dad like?
Maddox: Ohhhohohoho. (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Maddox: Robin, this is a trap! Do not answer. (Dick giggles)
Robin: My dad is so honorable, I can...this is a bulletproof argument. My dad is an honorable man.
Dick: Oh my god, me too! Me too. We have that alike. (laughs with Maddox)
Robin: He's a public defender. (grins) He spent his life defending those who can't afford lawyers.
Dick: Ohh, wow. That is honorable.
Maddox: (sound clip of man: "Well, that's unfortunate.") (laughs with Sean)
Dick: Does he have a lot of good stories about that?
Robin: Oh yeah, they're horrible.
Dick: Like, 'cause of the people?
Robin: The whole...just the whole thing is terrible.
Dick: The whole system.
Robin: When you just go into the background of every murderer, it's just so sad.
Dick: Oh my god.
Robin: Yeah. Murderers! Anyway.
Maddox: Yeah. So, uh, on that note. Guys, in... (cracks up)
Dick: What an interesting guest!
Maddox: Yeah! No, really interesting guest. That's what this show brings you, is interesting guests.
Dick: Not like Marc Maron! OBAMA. (disdainful) (Robin laughs) We all know what he's th-...what he says, alright? He's written so many books.
Maddox: He literally can't say anything without someone writing about it.
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) Gimme a break, Maron!
Maddox: Yeah. Try gettin' Robin on your show, bozo.
Dick: Yeah. Dye your beard! (Maddox laughs loudly) Get some Rogaine just for beards, you prick. (everyone laughing) And get a real studio. Your garage. (sneering) (Maddox laughs more) Multi-millionaire, #1 on iTunes, he's in a garage.
Dick: Gimme a fuckin' break.
Maddox: He's keepin' it real, man. Have we -
Dick: (interjects) What the f-..."WTF" stands for "where's the furniture?" (everyone laughs loudly)
Maddox: Have we inadvertently turned Marc Maron into the show's, uh, the show's nemesis? The show's arch-rival?
Maddox: I don't even have a beef with the guy. I've never even...I've heard a couple episodes of the show.
Dick: Gimme a couple episodes, I'll give you a beef with the guy. (Maddox chuckles) I'll find somethin'.
Maddox: The American Heart Association encouraged people to limit trans fats in 1957, right? So the '90s showed an increased risk of coronary heart disease associated with the intake of trans fats, and around this time American trans fat intake was 4% to 7% of the calories from fat. So in 2004...it wasn't until 2004 that Denmark made it illegal for any foods containing more than 2% trans fats. The World Health Organization called for eliminating trans fats globally from the food supply, so it wasn't until then...then in 2006, the FDA finally ruled labeling for trans fats on foods. Foods can still contain less than 0.5 grams of trans fats per serving, and checking for partially hydrogenated oils in the ingredients can show this.
Maddox: So even though foods say they don't have partially hydrogenated oils, they still can have some trace amounts in it. And there's this big push right now, everybody wants their food along with a little narrative. They want their food with a fortune cookie that tells them that their food was massaged from the cleanest organic hands and this farmer's upright and it's fair trade and it's organic and it's massaged from the teat of Mother Nature.
Maddox: Everybody wants that narrative. Now even donut companies are jumping on board with this. Did you know that if you buy donuts right now from Winchell's, on their box they have that little thing where it doesn't say "non-fat" or it doesn't say "organic"; it says "no trans fats." Hey, that's a good thing, right? Everybody -
Dick: (interjects) It says that, literally?
Maddox: Oh yeah!
Dick: "Hey, that's a good thing, right?"
Maddox: No. (laughs with Robin)
Dick: That would be a hell of a box if it said THAT.
Maddox: I...yeah. No.
Robin: I think the teat of Mother Nature, would that be a volcano?
Maddox: Yeah, correct. ('ding!' sound effect) (everyone laughs) So, uh, I just wanna end on this note, 'cause we're runnin' out of time here, but the Harvard School of Public Health...in 1993 a Harvard study strongly supported the hypothesis that the intake of partially hydrogenated vegetable oils contributed to the risk of having a heart attack. And this is the study that actually kind of blew the lid off of this...the danger of this thing. It also promotes inflammation and overactivity of the immune system, and has been implicated in heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and other chronic conditions. Eating trans fats also reduces the normal healthy responsiveness of the endothelial cells, the cells that line all of our blood vessels. In animal studies, eating trans fats also promotes obesity and resistance to insulin, the precursor to diabetes. And I'll just say this -
Dick: (interjects) So it's like a poison.
Maddox: It's terrible stuff.
Dick: Get rid of it.
Maddox: The Department of Nutrition indicates that eliminating trans fats from the US food supply could prevent up to 1 in 5 heart attacks and related deaths. 20% of heart attacks and related deaths can be reduced simply by eliminating trans fats from your diet.
Dick: If we just stop eating this.
Dick: What is it in mostly? What's the biggest offender? I would guess, like, chips, Ruffles, snack foods...shit like that.
Maddox: Yeah, it used to be in a lot of snack foods. Crisco, Crisco was a big offender for a long time.
Maddox: Because anytime you have that solid oil...because that, uh, that process of making it solid so that it can be transported and not have to be refrigerated is what introduces trans fats into it, and they have to -
Dick: (interjects) So you gotta use KY. I mean, you can't use Crisco.
Maddox: Okay. (Sean chuckles in the background) There you g-... (Dick and Robin laughing) Well, that's my pr-...that's my problem, Dick! Good job. Robin, thank you for joining us this week. You have our second problem today.
Robin: Yes, I do.
Dick: Would you guys mind if I just pause this one second to remind you that today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase. Oh my god, I'm still using my Harry's razor. What about you?
Maddox: Yeah, still!
Dick: I'm so glad that you're here, Robin, 'cause I can ask you, what is it like...like, what... (stammers) Have you ever used a finely crafted razor? 'Cause if you got a lot...you got more surface area than us with our precious faces.
Dick: But we have no idea what the woman's perspective is on razors. Whenever I step into a girl's shower, shit disposable razor.
Dick: They never are spending money on their razors.
Robin: I semi fall into that. I just have one, uh...I don't...I just got it like 5 years ago, and I just replace it.
Dick: 5 years ago?!
Robin: Not the razor itself. The...apparatus. So I'm gonna upgrade from that, but no.
Dick: Well, Harry's has a starter kit that's only $15.
Robin: For women?
Dick: Uh, it's a...it's a razor! They don't care who buys it.
Maddox: It's unisex. Right. (Robin shrugs)
Dick: You know? You, man, Chaz Bono? Doesn't matter. (Sean guffaws in the background) The starter kit's just $15. That includes a razor, 3 blades, and your choice of shaving cream or foaming shave gel. Make the smart switch to Harry's. High-quality German-engineered blades.
Maddox: Robin -
Dick: (interjects) Half the price of big-name drugstores.
Maddox: That's right.
Dick: Free shipping straight to your door.
Dick: Would you get...would you use a Harry's if we...?
Dick: If we got you one?
Robin: I'm on my last razor right now. You guys can send me $30. That's how much a stupid pack costs.
Maddox: You get $5 off with our discount code.
Dick: I do have...somebody sent in a...this guy Sean, named similarly, sent in an email. "Hey Dick, I imagine someone..." Oh no, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait. Oh yeah, so this guy Sean. I got the right email. "Love the show you guys put on every week. Proud supporter of the show. I got my girlfriend and I some Harry's razors and they work phenomenally." Here's the best part: "She is Spanish/Italian..."
Maddox: Oh. (uneasily)
Dick: "...and they still last her weeks." (everyone laughs)
Maddox: That's a little...eh, there might be some embellishing goin' on there. (Dick cackles)
Dick: You don't think she's both? (Maddox laughs) She's one or the other?
Maddox: No, I think that it's -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, "weeks"!
Maddox: Yeah, weeks. (laughing)
Dick: Oh, it's probably a typo.
Maddox: Ahh. Maybe "week."
Dick: http://harrys.com , "BIGGESTPROBLEM"; save $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: "BIGGESTPROBLEM", and thanks for supporting the show, guys. It really makes a difference. Thanks for tweeting these @harrys and copying us on those. Robin, our problem this week, our guest problem...what do you have?
Robin: I'm bringing to you guys people that don't value science.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Bravo. (clapping sound effect) That's a huge problem. People that don't value science!
Robin: That's right, and it's carefully worded. It's not "people that don't understand science," 'cause science is...you know, specific to certain personality types and requires a bunch of time and, you know, effort spent.
Robin: But it's free and easy and doesn't take any of your time to VALUE science, yet a lot of people do not. I have a quote from an article published in The Atlantic that said 79% of Americans believe science has, quote, "made life easier for most people." Which SOUNDS good.
Dick: Most people?
Robin: Until you realize that 21% of Americans don't believe science has made life easier. Uh... (incredulous)
Dick: I'm sorry, say that...read that again.
Robin: 79% of Americans believe science has made life easier for most people.
Dick: Okay, the next part.
Maddox: Sounds pretty good, yeah.
Dick: I mean, it's still way...
Robin: Which means 21% don't believe that science has improved human life.
Maddox: Yeah. 21% of people think that science has not improved human life?
Robin: Yeah. So 1 of 5 people is just like, "Eh."
Maddox: Were cows part of this study?? (Robin laughs)
Robin: I assume not.
Robin: They've...I don't think a cow could take any test. It couldn't even press a little key.
Dick: You know what would tell us? Science.
Robin: That would tell us.
Robin: And I think that that's, uh, crazy. 'Cause here are some hits of science I thought of.
Dick: (interjects) 1 out of 5. That means if you're...wait, if you're looking...if you're looking to your left and your right and in front of you and behind you, you think that science hurts the human race. (Robin laughs) Right?
Maddox: 1 out of 5!
Dick: One of those people thinks that science is a hindrance.
Dick: This fuckin' world...
Dick: This is...when you're walking around through a crowd, look around; one of those people thinks science is bad for us. That does not help us.
Robin: "Science" is such a general term, so here's a list of things that science has helped us with.
Robin: Uh, it brought us cars...
Robin: ...breast implants...
Maddox: Oh, love 'em.
Dick: Oh well, uhh...
Robin: ...gummy sharks... (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I'm, uh, I'm gonna have to disagree on breast implants, on that one. (smiles)
Maddox: Okay, that's TWO that you're gonna disagree on, 'cause she also said gummy sharks. Did you hear that?
Dick: I like gummy sharks!
Maddox: Dick...well, Di-...I thought you didn't like sharks!!
Dick: I don't like sharks. I get off when I'm pretending to eat them and they're gummies.
Maddox: Okay. Fair enough.
Robin: Automatic staplers...
Maddox: Okay, pretty...
Robin: ...regular staplers...
Maddox: Save seconds at a time, yeah.
Robin: Mhm! And the entire field of medicine.
Maddox: Welp, there you go! If you use any one of those things, then you should appreciate science.
Robin: Exactly. Or value it on some level!
Maddox: Value it, yeah.
Robin: Not just think that it sucks or is boring or is two people pouring chemicals together.
Dick: Nerds. (smiles)
Maddox: Robin, I love... (cracks up) I love that you're so sweet that you don't want to condescend our listeners...(Dick laughs) ...and you qualified this problem when you brought it in as saying, "I don't wanna say that people don't understand science."
Maddox: "You know what? I'm gonna go one step further and say 'Yeah, fuck you! You don't understand science if you don't appreciate it.'" There's no other reason...what other reason would people not appreciate science?
Robin: 'Cause they think it's boring.
Maddox: Oho. Well, these fuckin' dullards. These are...you know what? This is the s-...if you had a Venn diagram of the people who think science is boring and who think that math isn't important, 100% intersection.
Robin: Yes. 'Cause you gotta learn at least some math to get you to some science classes. So yeah, so I basically...I just think that it's crazy that you don't appreciate it, because another thing that science has brought you is the awesomeness of America, and...
Dick: (interjects) And Ronald Reagan. That's right.
Robin: ...we have... (cracks up)
Dick: We talked about this in the bonus episode. (smiles) (Robin laughs) I'm sorry, go ahead. America.
Robin: Um...yeah! We won World War II because of science.
Dick: H'oh. (skeptical)
Robin: And we -
Dick: (interjects) Well, I...alright.
Robin: Ye-...oh, what? What is...what's the -
Dick: (interjects) Won World War II because of science?
Robin: Uh-huh. (smiling)
Dick: How do you...? Please expand on that.
Robin: So I would say that it comes down to the bomb, as a big important part of World War II.
Dick: Oho. (dismayed) Robin, Robin, Robin.
Robin: Would you say that's not true?
Maddox: Uh, okay -
Dick: (interjects) I would say it's not...there is an ongoing debate on this show whether or not -
Maddox: (interjects) No. There is no debate, Dick. (annoyed)
Robin: About this? I've... (stammers)
(all talking over each other)
Robin: ...like, touched a minefield?
Maddox: There is no debate. It's just Dick has some conspiracy dipshit idea that he -
Dick: (interjects) It's not a dipshit idea!!
Maddox: He thinks... (cracks up) He thinks that the bomb did not end World War II.
Robin: Well, then I'll -
Dick: (interjects) No, we were doing it to show off.
Robin: I'll hit you back with codebreaking, because that wasn't us.
Dick: Okay. Good. (sarcastic)
Robin: We weren't the best people at that, but that was still science/math, and, uh...
Dick: That's true.
Robin: That was the other. Without...those two, that's the end.
Dick: Alright, alright.
Robin: And so we got those on lock, and we were able to make the Cold War basically nothing because of science. Um, and -
Dick: (interjects) How'd we do that?
Robin: You know...
Dick: How, how, how?
Robin: ...space and shit. (laughing)
Dick: Space and shit!
Maddox: Space and shit.
Dick: Agreed. (Sean laughing in the background)
Maddox: Hey, your, uh, your... (Dick cackles)
Dick: Satellites! (laughing)
Maddox: Your homeboy Ronald Reagan, his, uh...his Star Wars missile defense system, that's what ended the Cold War. Remember that? All those fuckin' lasers and shit we put up in space that wasn't totally propaganda? That thing?
Dick: That was PR, though. That wasn't science.
Maddox: Yeah. Propaganda. (sneering) (Dick shrugs)
Robin: And, uh...you know, the Internet. The Internet's great; brought to you by science.
Dick: So I actually...lemme ask you somethin'. I feel like science means...after knowing this about this play that you put on?
Dick: That's based in the Star Trek world, but it's also sexy? (Robin laughs) I feel like this problem means more to you than you're letting on.
Robin: That people don't value science?
Dick: And knowing you have a chemistry background?? Oh my god!
Robin: Yeah! Yeah, no, it's...it's really terrible. I mean, people just should give a shit about it. (chuckling) It's kinda sad that you can just kind of say like, "I dunno, I'm not...I don't really care about that stuff." I'm just like, "If you look around...look at...wherever you are right now, look at everything around you. Science brought you all of it." Every single item, every single thing that you do besides fuck, science was... (stammers) It's the only thing that adds to humanity from generation to generation. Like, we haven't gotten better behaved. We haven't turned into better types of animals. We've just made things better for ourselves through scientific discovery. Like, we murder less people because science lets us eat and have a warm place so we don't have to murder people constantly. It's just such a rea-...and people just don't give a shit about it, and, uh...you know, to get on my extra level of soapbox, it really does affect everything if you care about it or not because of funding, and people just don't give a shit about cutting basic research funding, and uh...when you do that, it's like everything's on an 80-year delay. Like, people that were doing really groundbreaking work on quantum mechanics 80 to 100 years ago are the reason we have the Internet and cell phones now, and we were really well funded then. And we're not, and all the universities now totally believe...man, I'm getting really soapbox-y. This is not... (cracks up)
Dick: No, that's what this show is about.
Maddox: We wanna hear this. (laughs)
Robin: Yeah! No, I really do care about it. And so we're...if people gave a shit about science -
Dick: (interjects) Do you know how many guys right now...?
Robin: And appreci-... (cracks up)
Dick: You're their Wil Wheaton right now. (Robin and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah. (grinning)
Dick: You're like, you're like...it's 50,000 guys' Wil Wheaton.
Maddox: You're their Deep Space 9. (Robin laughs loudly)
Robin: But if people cared about it and thought that it was interesting, it would be, like, in the zeitgeist and people...it would just force politicians to fund it or take it more seriously, and it just literally gets ignored. Like, the Internet fucking happened in our lives, and people don't give a shit where it came from or who, like, broke their back discovering math and science to get us the Internet.
Robin: They're just, like, straight up "where are those dog pics?" though.
Robin: And it's...so that's...it's really baffling that there's just such a lack of any caring or acknowledgement.
Maddox: And these pigfuckers...
Dick: Oh, wow! (under his breath)
Maddox: ...have the audacity to get on Twitter and say, "Huhh, here's another day I went by without using algebra! Mleh!" (idiot voice) (Dick giggles) (yells) Hey dipshit, everything you're using to communicate that dipshit message you just said uses mathematics that you can't even fucking comprehend, you moron! GOOD! Don't use math, don't use science. Eat rocks and die. That's what's gonna happen. You're basically just a monkey. You're regressing our species back into primates.
Maddox: That's what's happening.
Dick: Yeah, it's a...second Dark Age, you might say.
Maddox: But Robin, I do have to take issue with something you said.
Robin: Yeah, say it.
Maddox: So I am a -
Dick: (interjects) The sex thing, right? (Maddox and Robin laugh) 'Cause you said science doesn't improve sex, and if syphilis was still around, sex would be a big fuckin' problem.
Robin: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: Now you're talkin'...
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: Now we're in my world. (chuckling) (Robin giggles)
Maddox: Okay. (smiles)
Dick: Syphilis, chlamydia? Get them shits outta here.
Maddox: Ohh, we gotta solve that problem pretty quick, Dick.
Robin: Okay, what's the issue?
Maddox: But Robin, so I am a huge proponent of science and technology and mathematics, and I come from that world and that universe.
Dick: Oh, you thought YOU had a soapbox? Listen, you can't even see his soapbox. (Robin and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: I'm gonna kick yours out from under you! Um, so I thought about this. I meditated on science and how much it means. (Dick cackles loudly)
Dick: Okay! (giggling)
Maddox: Yeah. (annoyed)
Dick: I'm sorry, the medi-... (stammers)
Maddox: You know what, Dick?
(talking over each other)
Dick: No, I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Maddox: You're right, that was douchey!
Dick: It was... (cracks up)
Maddox: That was really douchey!
Dick: I mean, you said "I meditated on science." (giggling)
Maddox: I immediately regret it. 'Cause I was talkin to this, uh, this poindexter online one time who was arguing with me. (everyone else laughs)
Dick: Okay, you saved it.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: And he used that phrase. He called his writing "soliloquies," and he called them "meditations" on certain things.
Dick: Oh, Christ.
Maddox: And I just realized I sounded like that douchebag, so I take back that word. In fact, I may edit that out. (cracks up) (Robin laughs) All of a sudden I feel so embarrassed.
Dick: What? (to Sean)
Sean: Isn't that more adjacent to meditation? (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Ohh, fuck you, Sean! (laughs) (baby laugh sound effect) Okay, SO.
Maddox: I thought about science and its impact...uh, science and technology and its impact to society, right? But there is one other really important thing, I think, and that's art, and science is distinctly not art. And Dick, you just rolled your eyes.
Maddox: But what we are creating in this show, what...everything that we do, right? To advance our technology? Awesome.
Maddox: We're more efficient, we're more productive, we have more things, we are less violent, et cetera, et cetera, but what do we do with our spare time? Well, go see movies. Go to museums.
Maddox: Go do...go do artistic things and listen to podcasts and watch people, uh, kick ass at Contra: Hard Corps on Twitch. Like, just...things like that! (Dick smirks)
Robin: Oh yeah.
Maddox: Art!! (laughs)
Robin: The ultimate -
Dick: (interjects) So what are s-...wait, but what are you saying though? Why'd you bring that up?
Maddox: Because art is distinctly different from science, and I don't want to completely dismiss artistic endeavors because I think that's also an important component of, uh...
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: ...of society, yeah.
Robin: No, definitely!
Dick: Man, I think they're gettin' plenty of attention. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: Oh, these motherfu-...these fuckin' musicians getting interviewed around the clock! "What did those lyrics mean?" (stammers) The song is, like...it's like you could have a vocabulary of an immigrant who just stepped over the border and wrote...it's got 5 words in it!
Robin: Yeah, totally. I think that it'd be...it's, uh...
Dick: Ask a scientist what -
Robin: (interjects) Like, if scientists got...if they had one tenth or 1% of the number of, like, attention and interviews that all of...you know, the entertainment industry and just art in general got, that'd be huge. It really would change the culture.
Maddox: That's true!
Maddox: That's a good point, that's a good point. So what do you think of the rockstar status of scientists like Neil deGrasse Tyson?
Robin: I...I personally...
Dick: Could we pick a better example, please?
Robin: Well, he's...he's a -
Maddox: (interjects) Who else is there?
Robin: Yeah, he's the #1 right now. He's on fire.
Maddox: Okay, Mich-...Michio Kaku.
Robin: Who's that?
Maddox: Okay. Well, he's a string theorist -
Dick: (interjects) He's a guy who makes predictions about the future so people will pay attention to him. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. He's a string theorist and a theoretical physicist.
Maddox: He's, I would say, right or...right behind Neil deGrasse Tyson in popularity. Or Bill Nye, I guess.
Maddox: But Bill Nye isn't doing actual theoretical research anymore, right?
Maddox: He's just kind of like a science celebrity.
Robin: Yeah, spokesperson.
Robin: Um, I...I tend to be like "any of that's positive," even though I get the...like, I don't watch Cosmos and I don't have any interest for it, but it's like...even if you're just watching it and you're just like "whatever," never gonna do one piece of math and you don't give a shit about it? If your little kid is watching it and they're like, "Oh, science is a thing," that's also huge 'cause the US is totally declining in how many scientists it produces, and so anything like that I think is useful in general.
Maddox: Okay, fair enough. Robin, I have another question though.
Maddox: Um, do you...fucking love science?
Dick: I was gonna ask about that. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Were you really?
Dick: I was trying to think of a way to ask her if she'd seen Cosmos on Netflix though. Like, maybe we could check it out. Yeah. (sexy voice)
Maddox: Oh my gosh, Dick... (Dick and Robin snickering)
Dick: Get a pizza. (smiling)
Maddox: Ohh, BOY. Get some chili! (laughs)
Dick: What do you think about "I Fucking Love Science"?
Robin: Um, I heard that on an earlier episode of this. I was listening to you, and I had never seen it. What is "I Fucking Love Science"? It's pictures? You guys said it was pictures.
Maddox: Yeah, it's pictures. That's exactly it, Robin! It's just pictures.
Robin: Of, like, an iceberg? What's the pictures of?
Maddox: Yeah, icebergs, um...
Dick: Could be an iceberg.
Dick: Could be a buncha rocks.
Maddox: ...microscopic pictures? You know those electron microscopes that they take those really detailed pictures of pinheads and, uh...
Robin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: ...insects and cells and things like...it's just science photography...
Maddox: ...that masquerades itself as being science, and there's -
Dick: (interjects) Like, a children's science fair has more redeeming scientific qualities (Robin laughs) than this Facebook group and all of its fans.
Robin: Yeah. I guess I would say that, like...it seems like for whoever is a fan of that, the option is that's your level of engagement with science or you literally don't acknowledge its existence at all, and so I guess it's better if you acknowl-...? Like, it's annoying, sure. I'm not trying to hang out with any of those people or talk to them EVER.
Robin: Like, "No." But I...I don't know.
Maddox: Well, you know what? Why -
Dick: (interjects) Very reasonable.
Maddox: Why -
Dick: (interjects) Reasonable response.
Maddox: Yeah, totally reasonable.
Dick: We'll trip you up on somethin' else.
Maddox: Okay, here's something unreasonable. How 'bout this? How 'bout science or shotgun? Right? Science or fucking die. (Dick and Robin laugh) We will fucking kill you if you don't at least give some attention to science. (raises voice) I don't want to pander...I'm not gonna settle for them to take a cursory interest in science by, uh...via science photography. Not good enough! Science or shotgun, fucker. And guess what? It's shotgun roulette. 1 outta 2 shots; boom, your head's gone.
Dick: I mean, I think a version of that's already happening. That we're kinda killing ourselves with the lack of, like, an aggressive...uh, appreciation of science. Like, take stem cells. Why is this not being funded...
Dick: ...with everything we have? Why isn't everything -
Maddox: (interjects) George Bush. George Bush, that's why.
Dick: Well, but...yeah, but... (stammers) I mean, look at the survey that Robin brought in! 20% of people...that 20% think that it's just science in GENERAL isn't great. The amount of people who are anti-stem cell has gotta be over 50-60%! Like, I have no idea, but it's got-...I would bet that it's huge.
Dick: Like, if you...I bet if you pulled people and you said like, "Look, here's some scientific research we could be doing. What do you think?" Their first thought isn't like, "Well, yeah. You know, science...I should weight the science part of that by like 95% of my brain and the weird Christian morality part by like 5% or less, or maybe even separate that entirely."
Dick: You know what I'm saying? I don't think it's George Bush, 'cause he put half of America in the same position. They're all gonna make the same fuckin' choice!
Robin: Oh no, Bush was terrible.
Maddox: Bush was terrible.
Robin: He really slashed funding.
Maddox: He vetoed funding, right.
Robin: Yeah, it's really bad.
Dick: Yeah, but he was supported! He was supported by PEOPLE.
Dick: Like, you can't just say it's the guy's fault. It's everybody...so many people in the same position would make the same choice!
Maddox: Well, but...I mean, kind of. He didn't win the popular vote, so was he really supported by people?
Dick: But it's...he...it's half of people supported him.
Maddox: Eh... (skeptical) You know what, though? You can support most of a platform of a candidate and not support some off-...off-the-wall, cockamamie, far-right...uh, fringe thing that he believes, and he was really just pandering and placating to the far right of the group, which were afraid that stem cell research is a slippery slope towards more abortion legislation. They wanted to outlaw abortion, so they said, "Let's defund stem cell research." Which, you know what? Fuck you! Go ahead, guys! Go ahead and defund stem cell research, 'cause guess who has no moral qualms about doing ANY fucking stem cell research? Uh -
Dick: (interjects) China.
Maddox: Thank God for China, because China's going to make the next breakthrough, I think, in genetics, because they're the ones who are fuckin' around with chimeras and stem cell research and human cloning and all sorts of crazy shit. You're gonna see fuckin' dragons come outta China.
Robin: You're also allowed to test monkeys in China.
Dick: (interjects) And three-titted women for men out there. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Hoooh. (quietly)
Dick: Sorry, what'd you say, Robin?
Robin: You're also allowed to do scientific testing on monkeys in China, which, uh...
Maddox: Oh! (excited)
Robin: ...they've...PETA has banned here.
Maddox: (monkeys hooting sound effect)
Dick: Big solution! Right?
Maddox: NO! Fuck monkeys!
Dick: Big solu-...scientifically, if you're thinking with your *scientific* mind...
Robin: Oh, yeah.
Dick: ...monkeys are a big solution.
Robin: If you put 'em all in a cage and just do tests on 'em, sure, yeah. Monkeys are the worst.
Maddox: Hehehhh, yeah. (grins) (laughs happily to himself)
Dick: Alright. (dismissively)
Maddox: Oh! That's a good -
Dick: (interjects) I don't think you guys are right on that stem cell thing. I think a more aggressive, like, pro-stem cell...marketing campaign needs to happen. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: You think that's what...? Well, you know what though?
Dick: (stammers) Well, I...yeah! Like, look at what happened with anti-vaxxing. EVERY single late-night host got on TV and said, "If you are an anti-vaxxer, you are fuckin' stupid."
Dick: Do you think that helped??
Maddox: You know, I'll give you that, Dick. I think that, uh, that science needs better PR. Science -
Robin: (interjects) A lady with big boobs! A lady with big boobs.
Maddox: Oh my god!
Dick: Ohh, HELL yeah.
Maddox: You get that Mexican news anchor who's been goin'...
Maddox: ...who's been linking around? You know who I'm talkin' about?
Dick: Ye-...oh, of c-...come on. (Robin laughs) Do I know who you're talking about. (derisively)
Maddox: Jeez. With the ass? Oh my GOSH. Could eat that ass for days. (cracks up)
Dick: I could balance a quesadilla...I could MAKE a quesadilla on that ass.
Maddox: Oh my gosh. (brief pause) I was just thinkin' of the ass. (grinning) (laughs with Robin) I was gonna say somethin' else, but...I'm just thinkin' of ass. Um -
Dick: (interjects) That ass is warp factor 10! Right?
Robin: That's very unstable. (Maddox snorts and laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: I'd like to see HER event horizon. (giggles more) Leads to a black hole.
Maddox: Um, okay. (another brief silence) So, uh, that all you got, Robin? Anything else you wanna add?
Robin: Well, I wanted to just, you know, for the 11th or 12th time, bring up Star Trek as a great Venn diagram between art and science, like...and the fact that all these nerds watching Star Trek went out and over the last 50 years fucking invented half of the shit that you see on that TV show. (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah, you know what bugs me about that though? Is that Star Trek gets the credit, and who's the guy who created Star Trek? What's the guy?
Dick: Gene Roddenberry.
Robin: Gene Roddenberry?
Maddox: Gene Roddenberry.
Maddox: People think he's, like, this revolutionary futurist, but...I mean, the technology was kinda...he borrowed a lot of the technology in Star Trek from actual science fiction and science papers of the time.
Robin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, like Kip Thorne was his buddy. Were you gonna say that?
Sean: Yeah, it was all from L. Ron Hubbard, right?
Dick: N-...no. (chuckling) (Robin laughs)
Sean: The great scientist L. Ron Hubbard? (dryly)
Maddox: Sean...well, well, well, Sean finally reveals himself! Closet Scientologist. (laughs)
Dick: God, I would love it if you were a Scientologist.
Maddox: Oh my god. (laughing)
Dick: Like, for real?
Maddox: It would be the best thing for the show ever. (everyone laughs)
Have you guys had an auditing course? (Maddox laughs loudly)
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Sean: Now I...I'll never work again. (Maddox laughs more) It's Los Angeles, and it...
Dick: Ohhh. Why, 'cause there's so many of them?
Sean: No, 'cause they'll hunt me down.
Dick: Oh, and kill you?
Dick: No, no, no. I, uh...I've caused a lot of disruptions with them. They're pussies. They don't do shit. I threw a beer at one of their auditing stations on Hollywood Boulevard. (Robin and Maddox laugh) That's true! Oh yeah. I was leaving a Mexican restaurant with my life coach -- who I mention from time to time on the podcast -- and I wanted a beer to go, 'cause I had to walk home, and it's like a -
Robin: (interjects) Life coach didn't do a very good job.
Dick: Uh, that's what he's there for. I'm like, "Should I get a beer to go?" He's like, "Eh, as your life coach, I absolutely think you should get a beer to go." (Maddox giggles) So I asked...I was like, "Can I get a...can I grab a beer for the road? I'm paying right now," and they're like, "Well, uhh...what?" I'm like, "Just give me a beer that I can take out of here and keep drinking on the way home." (Robin snickers) "Just give me, like, a bag or something," and she's like, "Alright, but as long as you don't do anything stupid with it." (Maddox and Sean guffaw) Right?
Dick: So I walked...I walked out, and -
Robin: (interjects) "Challenge accepted." (laughs with Dick)
Dick: Right, and I wasn't going to! I was like, "Aw man, this Tecate's delicious." I walked out and the auditing station was right there, and the guy says, "Do you wanna get audited?" and I threw the beer... (Robin chuckles) ...at his auditing station, and then my life coach goes, "You just, like...you literally just did the most trouble you could cau-...like, exactly the opposite of what that poor woman told you to do." And I was like, "Well, fuck 'em! I was minding my own business not getting audited." (everyone else laughs) "These guys are...you know, doin' their thing, fleecing these poor people as they're walking around."
Maddox: You did them a favor, Dick! Now they can audit your beer.
Dick: It's just another auditing can!
Dick: "Here you go!" (Robin laughs)
Dick: "You got a broken one? Plug one of the wires into this can!"
Maddox: Yeah! "You gotta look into that spill on the floor."
Dick: They didn't do shit.
Dick: Alright. My turn?
Maddox: Alright Dick, what's your problem?
Dick: Talkin' to girls.
Robin: Hmm. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Dick: Talkin'...and I don't...lemme rephrase this. Because I just realized, not "talking to them," 'cause that is also painful.
Dick: But, like, *approaching* them. Initiating a conversation.
Robin: For flirting purposes.
Dick: With a wom-...for flirting, sexual, banging purposes. (suggestively)
Maddox: Uh-huh. (giggles)
Dick: That's my pr-...isn't that...? Guys, isn't that really the biggest problem there is?
Maddox: For some men. I would say a lot of men don't know how...don't know...don't have the skill, AND a lot of a women don't have the skill. I've been with some of my lesbian friends when we go out to bars and they try to approach women, and -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, spaghetti just starts shooting out of their pockets.
Maddox: It's the worst! It's like every cheeseball cliché line a guy would come up to a girl and say. "So what do you do? What do you, uh...what are you doin' here? What time is it?" (laughs)
Dick: Let me just call this "initiating a conversation" then.
Dick: And I think everyone knows what I'm talking about. I don't need to put "for flirting purposes" on there, right? "Initiating a conversation"? 'Cause they do! Like, both sides are bad at it. A woman asked me if I came here often one time.
Dick: And I was like, "Hahah! Are you for r-...did you for real just ask that?!"
Dick: "Yeah! I do. Let's...let's go." (grins)
Dick: Yeah. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Yeah, I g-...I know what's... (cracks up) I know where this, uh, this conv-..."Baby, I was havin' this conversation when I was 8."
Dick: And it's -
Maddox: (interjects) "This is where I started." (Robin laughs)
Dick: It's the worst, because when you get good at it, then...when you finally learn how to do it, then you get outta practice. Right??
Maddox: Huh. And you get a girlfriend! You don't need it anymore.
Dick: Right! (Maddox laughs) You don't need it...it's like, "Agh!" And then that ends, as they always do, because relationships don't work, (Maddox guffaws) and then you gotta start...you gotta start all over again, and now there's...now there's Tinders and new apps, and, uh...and online dating, and holographic dating, and whate-...every time you start over, it's a whole new game!! Like, I don't know what the fuck this game is anymore! I just wanna get to...I just wanna get to home base! We don't have bases anymore. Welp! (stammers) Kill me then.
Maddox: There's bases, buddy. Oh, there are bases still. The bases are still there! Oh wait, wait, you think if wom-...I forget what you said, but a long time ago in an episode you said that there was an extra base in there now. What was the extra base?
Dick: Oh, it's online dating. It's like Tinder...
Maddox: Online dating is the extra base.
Dick: Well, 'cause everybody's stuck online now!
Dick: Every...you're ei-...you're on -
Robin: (interjects) Because the...your problem is real! It's really hard to talk...and it's also the th-...I'd say that, as a woman, the people that do talk to you are 99% the most horrible humans that you would never want to talk to you.
Maddox: You mean online?
Maddox: Or in real life?
Robin: In real life. Like, it's so...I'll, like...sometimes I'll stare around -
Dick: (interjects) Online it's like 99.99999. (Robin and Maddox laugh) There's like 5 sigmas of awful online.
Robin: I'll, uh...I stand in a bar and stare around and kinda, like, scan at the people that seem like they'd be nice, reasonable guys I'd wanna talk to, but then there's always just, like, this super greased-up, uh...like, gross...you know, ultra bro of some horrible bro variation.
Robin: And they're the ones that are out prowling and talking to people very, very aggressively.
Maddox: From Bro-livia?
Robin: Bro-livia. Mhm!
Maddox: Yeah. So -
Dick: (interjects) Like "Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing," like they're checkin' off, uh...?
Robin: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Ahh, the salt...that's the salting...real salting-the-earth policy. (Maddox chuckles)
Robin: Right. (laughing)
Dick: Right? So this is...like, this is a real...
Maddox: Dick... (scolding)
Dick: No, this is a thing that...what? What, whatwhatwhat? What do you mean?
Maddox: Noo, you of all people sayin' that?! You're... (Robin laughs) Your philosophy is basically like, go up to a chick and, uh...either she's gonna bang you or she's not.
Dick: Yeah!! (Maddox and Robin giggle) I don't go up...I don't try to make it happen! Like, I'm just like, "Hey, what's goin' on?" Like, "Oh, I can see you don't wanna b-...I can see you know you're better than me, so I'm goin' over THERE." (Maddox and Robin still laughing) "I'm gonna go talk to the girl who's passed out at the bar. I know that's a good sign."
Maddox: Oh, ohokay. (apprehensively) Well...yeah. So Robin, do you have any stories of, uh...?
Dick: What does it take?
Dick: Like in your example, how do you know they're douchebags when they come up to you already like that?
Robin: Uhh...like -
Dick: (interjects) They shoot alotta lines at you?
Robin: I'm not even talking about anyone that looks like a human that any of us in this room would ever wanna talk to. Like, really just...like, I don't know. What's ten times worse than wearing a fedora every time you're out in public? Like, that level...
Maddox: Toms. Toms shoes in Silver Lake.
Robin: No, that's a...they're in the wrong direction. It's more like...
Dick: Hm. Suspenders!
Maddox: Suspenders. Definitely suspenders!
Robin: You're thinking hipster. I'm thinking, like...
Dick: Oh, like Jersey Shore.
Robin: I'm thinking more like Jersey Shore people. Yeah, that's who's talking to people at bars, mostly.
Robin: Um, at like the highest volume over my...but also, I know you guys can't tell from my voice, but I am 6 feet tall, which is much taller than most...ALL women.
Maddox: Yeah, Robin towers over people.
Dick: Mmm, a tall...tall drink o' water. (sexy voice)
Robin: And, uh, people -
Dick: (interjects) Just like those American Gladiators. (Robin giggles) They were like 6 feet tall.
Maddox: Dick... (scolding)
Robin: And, uh, so people...like, I get catcalled 3 times a year, on average? And...
Robin: ...almost never talked to in bars, I think for that reason. Well, 'cause also I have...you can't see this either, but my boobs are actually, uh...their technical size is "Nearly A"? (Maddox snorts and laughs) So I think between... (cracks up)
Maddox: That's the nerdiest description of boobs I've ever heard.
Robin: It is...no! That's literally what the bra -
Maddox: (interjects) "Nearly A"?
Robin: It's "Nearly A," which is so sad.
Maddox: That's a real...?
Robin: So no...it's the worst thing.
Dick: And...so the abbreviation is NA? "Not applicable"? (everyone laughs) Your bra size is NA? Oh my gooood! At least... (cracks up) At least they don't name condoms "small"! Come on!
Robin: "Nearly Penis," yeah. No.
Dick: Fuckin' assholes! (laughing)
Robin: So between those two things, I think that's really, uh, put my catcalling/bar-talking-to at about zero, yeah.
Dick: That's a shame.
Maddox: So how did you meet your...are you...? You're seeing someone now, yeah?
Maddox: Okay. Oh...okay. Well, then!
Dick: Alriiight! Go over to Higgs Weldon. (sexy voice)
Maddox: Oookay, here we go! Chili sheets! (laughs)
Sean: Ugh, god. (in background)
Robin: Sounds gross!
Dick: I got...I brought in some, uh, some lines.
Dick: And some things you can do. I wanna run 'em by you.
Dick: 'Cause usually I just run 'em by him.
Dick: And then what are we...then what did we learn? Nothin'. We got a real woman in studio.
Maddox: He learns whether or not I wanna hang out with him, I guess. (Robin chuckles)
Dick: Yeah. He's always gonna say yes.
Maddox: Yeah, he's got my number already.
Dick: He's gonna put his Oculus Rift on, all of a sudden I'm a beautiful woman. (Robin laughs) Hitting on him.
Maddox: Oh my gosh. I wish.
Dick: So Tom Leykis, you know that guy? You remember that guy?
Maddox: Yeah, I remember Tom.
Dick: He said he used to say...to start a conversation with, uh, a girl at a bar, you should sit at a bar and drink a drink and put a stack of money... (Maddox and Robin laugh loudly) ...on the...I don't think I'm...I think I remember hearing this, but a stack of...of money. He didn't specify, like, ones with a twenty on top or a hundred or whatever. Do you think that's a good way to...?
Robin: Wait, where do you put it? You slide it next to them?
Dick: No, on your own table.
Robin: Just out? (laughing)
Robin: In the world?
Robin: Stack of money? Like that episode of "3rd Rock from the Sun," where Dick is like, "This is your tip, and I'm gonna remove from it and add to it." You know. Who's not watching "3rd Rock from the Sun" on Netflix right now?
Robin: No one?! No one? (laughs)
Maddox: Nooooope, not at all. I don't...
Dick: Nope! Not... (cracks up) This is not a..."30 Rock," this is not a "Orange Is the New Black" kinda crowd.
Robin: Those are the two...those are the two things?? (laughing) Anyway.
Maddox: I... (stammers) I've watched some "Orange Is the New Black." The first couple, uh, couple episodes were okay, and then it just kinda got, uh, full of itself. But...
Robin: I wanna reinforce that I did not bring up that show. (chuckles)
Maddox: Okay. Fair enough. Fair point.
Dick: So do you think that would work, the money on the table?
Robin: For me? No.
Dick: For you, no? Okay. That's a "no." What about you?
Robin: But reflect on what you know about me over the course of this episode versus most women out there. (laughs)
Dick: Well, I...I don't know.
Dick: That's the...I'm just running these by you.
Robin: Go...okay, next.
Dick: What about negs? Do those...? I don't think I...I really...
Robin: Negs? Oh! I sent a r-...irate messa-...I get messaged by...I'm on online dating. I get messaged by like, you know, crazy people who I always ignore.
Robin: But when someone negs me, I'll do a super psycho message back to you.
Maddox: Oh, like for example, uh...so...so let's say, "Oh, you have my mother's eyes." That's kind of a neg, right?
Dick: No no, that's...this is a neg.
Maddox: That's a backhanded...
Dick: I wrote down some negs.
Maddox: Okay, let's hear it! Yeah.
Robin: Okay, yeah.
Dick: Um..."Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because your face is pretty fucked up." (everyone else laughs) That's a pretty good...
Maddox: I guess.
Dick: So I got a laugh! That's a good neg!
Robin: That's a joke! That's not a neg.
Robin: The negs are like, "You'd be so pretty if you only smiled."
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, there you go! That's a real creepy...and that sounds like you've heard it before.
Dick: What was your...what was your line? Hold on, lemme write that down. (Maddox laughs) "You'd be so pretty..."
Robin: "...be so pretty if you only smiled."
Dick: "...if you only smiled."
Robin: Yeah, mhm.
Maddox: Wow, that is a -
Dick: (interjects) So call them out for not smiling?
Robin: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: That's a good line. Alright.
Sean: "You don't sweat much for a fat girl." (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Was that Sean??
Dick: Is that what you use?
Sean: No. I was just tryin' to play. (Maddox and Robin giggle)
Maddox: Okay, you know what though? Um... (stammers) The neg that Robin just said, though, is for real.
Maddox: I could see a douchebag guy saying that in a bar.
Robin: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: You've actually heard that before?
Robin: Um...I think that's, like, the general neg example.
Maddox: Okay. Good example.
Dick: Okay, how about this one: "Is that a tuna fish factory in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" (Robin and Sean snicker) Is that a...? That's a pretty good neg.
Sean: Ugh. (in background)
Maddox: Tuna fish fac-...? (confused)
Dick: She gets it. (grinning) Another laugh!! That's a good neg!
Robin: The "factory" is the best part.
Dick: The "factory" is the best part! (giggling)
Robin: "Let's churn them out! Ch-ch-ch-ch..." (snickers)
Dick: So that's a good one. How about this one: "Will you marry me? Because it's now legal for guys to marry other guys dressed in drag." (Robin laughs) (Maddox snorts)
Maddox: Go to...these are all -
Dick: (interjects) That's a good neg! (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: These are all great negs, Dick. (sarcastic)
Dick: So, negs? Would you...they don't work?
Dick: They piss you off?
Robin: Those are hilarious jokes.
Robin: The negs are so horrible.
Maddox: You know, it sou-...it almost...these almost sound like that line from "Napoleon Dynamite" where he goes up to the girl and he says, "Do you drink 1%? 'Cause you don't have to, 'cause you're not fat." Or what was the...was that the line? Yeah.
Dick: Oh, 'cause you're not fat?
Maddox: "You're not fat," yeah.
Dick: No, that's a compliment.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Dick: That's not a neg.
Dick: Negs gotta...you gotta hit 'em as hard as you can. (Robin laughs)
Dick: With all of guns blazing.
Dick: Oh wait, you've got a chemistry background, right?
Maddox: Oh, boy. (quietly)
Dick: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Clear your mind. I got a good one for ya. Uh, what's your favorite molecular compound?
Dick: Mine's uranium iodide, 'cause it puts 'U' and 'I' together.
Maddox: Oookay. Yeah. (grumbling)
Robin: That's gonna be really unstable.
Dick: Three...three times. (sexy voice) (Robin snickers)
Maddox: Mhm. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Dick: That's a pretty good one!
Maddox: Yeah. (shrugging)
Robin: That's good.
Dick: That's a good line.
Maddox: At least it wasn't a "cummingtonite" one.
Dick: A what?
Dick: What's that?
Maddox: It's...it just says...it spells "cumming tonite."
Dick: There's an element called "cummingtonite?"
Maddox: Yeah. It's not an e-...I don't know if it's an element or a...I think it's a mineral. Right, Robin? Cummingtonite?
Robin: Yeah, I don't recognize it as an element.
Maddox: Yeah. Actually one of the first girls I ever, uh, talked to online, that was her...that was her handle. (Robin chuckles) And I thought it was just a guy fuckin' around and I started talking to her, and she was a chemist. She had, like, a chemistry background, and she explained it to me and I looked it up, and I'm like, "Oh, it's a...it's a real thing." So.
Dick: The rock.
Maddox: Cummingtonite, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. No, I, um...I brought it in 'cause that's all anybody ever asks. It's "What do I do? What do I do? What do I do?"
Robin: But what do you do in real life?
Dick: Uh, and that's where...that's why it's tricky, because there's a lot of shitty advice being given.
Robin: Yeah, sure.
Dick: Like it's some...like there's some kind of secret magic to...
Dick: ...initiating conversation.
Robin: Yeah. No, mostly it's based on how good-looking you are, and... (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yes, that's a big...that's a big one.
Maddox: That's...no! No, no.
Dick: That is...what do you mean, "no"?!
Robin: No?? (laughing)
Maddox: It makes it EASIER, right? Okay, so here's the thing: I have some friends...I have very few friends, male friends, who are so attractive that women come approach them. And when they do it's hilarious, because women generally don't approach guys, and when they try to it's awful and it's hilarious. BUT, he's one of the few exceptions, and it makes it easier for him. And by the way, he has to maintain the conversation once he's approached, right?
Maddox: But, uh...but no, that's not the only way. You don't have to...it doesn't...I mean, that's kind of depressing to think that only attractive people are able to ha-...to maintain and hold conversations. I've talked to lots of attractive people -
Dick: (interjects) Well, start...initiate conversations.
Maddox: There's...there are MANY ways to initiate conversations.
Dick: Being attractive is the best one.
Maddox: No. (cracks up) No, not at all.
Robin: Yeah, that is...yeah. (laughs)
Dick: That's absolutely true!
Robin: Definitely true.
Maddox: I have talked...
Dick: That's absolutely true. (grinning)
Maddox: No way! I've talked to so many dumb, like, boring...just vacant people in bars who were super attractive, and they have nothin' to say. There's noth-...they don't have anything to say!! There's nothing goin' on!
Dick: But they can just stroll right up and say, like, um..."Hey, I put my underwear on backwards. What's goin' on?" (Robin chuckles)
Maddox: That's...that's a good -
Dick: (interjects) Like, you could say anything and be attractive.
Maddox: That's a good pickup, though. That's a good conversation initiation.
Dick: Is that a good conversation initiation, Robin?
Maddox: Hey Robin, I put my underwear on backwards. (Dick scoffs and laughs)
Robin: Congratulations. Where do you...so you...you don't have a dick hole then? Unless your... (Dick cackles)
Maddox: Already asking questions!
Dick: About your dick!! (squeaking) Yeah, you're right. You're right.
Maddox: (yells) Already...and she's already thinkin' about my dick, and asking questions about my dickhole!
Maddox: That's great! That's like date 3.
Robin: But do you think that translates into having sex, though?
Robin: 'Cause I'll talk to anyone that talks to me at a bar because I feel too rude, and then I try to escape at various points.
Maddox: Well, Robin, here's the thing.
Dick: (interjects) And you've already fucked yourself if you don't get them...if they're not thinkin' sexually immediately.
Dick: Like, if they're not flirting right away, you're done.
Dick: Abandon ship. (Robin and Sean laugh) Move onto the next target.
Dick: I mean, wo-...person. (Robin giggling) Right??
Maddox: You know, guys...
Dick: Right? There's some wisdom in that. 'Cause you don't want...the LAST thing you wanna be is the guy who's hammering away at this door that is not gonna open. You don't want...you don't wanna be that person, and you don't wanna ruin, like, the...let 'em go!! Let somebody else talk to this person, that they're attracted to!
Robin: Some people don't wanna get sexual in the first one minute.
Robin: Also, I met all of my boyfriends for the last 10 years in chemistry class over the course of a long semester where we bonded. So... (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Ohhhh. (intrigued)
Maddox: You bonded in a chemistry class! (giggling with Robin)
Dick: So take chemistry classes, is what you're saying.
Robin: Oh yeah. Oh, that's actually...well, if you're a girl. Like, I don't know what you guys would take. (cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah, chemistry or physics, or...math, or...
Robin: But there's...then there's just the one girl.
Dick: Like a lingerie class? Does that exist? (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Oh. No -
Dick: (interjects) Could we take that?
Maddox: Seriously, here's a tip. Here's a, uh, here's a Maddox tip for you guys. If you guys want...like, I found so many women in psychology, Psych 101.
Robin: YES. Yes.
Maddox: Psych 101 -
Dick: (interjects) Oho my God, those girls have gotta be fucked up.
Maddox: Oh, they are.
Maddox: Psych 101, and then art history.
Robin: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Art history, and they're just babes. And then, um, and then in...the other one is teaching. Uh, any kind of teaching.
Robin: Hmm, mm-mm.
Maddox: I took...and I found out all three of those because I accidentally sat in on a class. When I went to the university and I had an hour to kill, I would just open up any old door and sit down in whatever fuckin' class it was. And I walked in on so many classes like psych, and I looked around and it's just, like, 90% women in the class.
Robin: That's the trick. Yeah, I'd say the #1 way to meet people is a hobby that is 90% the gender that you're interested in.
Dick: Like what? What do women do, then?
Robin: Well, art history...now? I mean, yoga's bad.
Dick: (interjects) Like selling each other...?
Robin: 'Cause you guys don't wanna be, like, showing up doing yoga.
Maddox: Yeah, who does yoga?
Dick: Alright, alright. (Maddox giggles) Let's calm down about who does what around here. (Sean laughs in the background) First of all, it's called "pilates." (Robin and Maddox laugh loudly) I gotta get my Burning Man body.
Maddox: Oh, yeah! (grinning)
Dick: You understand. (smiles)
Dick: You are right about that.
Robin: Yeah. Just go to any activity that's what you wanna be interested in.
Dick: So, like, stand-up comedy?
Maddox: Ooo. (apprehensively)
Dick: Like, any kind of comedy? That would be a lot of...there would be a lot of women in that? (Robin snickers)
Dick: You would say?
Maddox: No, not stand-up.
Maddox: Stand-up's the...stand-up, by the way, is, like, a dead end. For dating, and for...
Robin: Happiness, for sure.
Maddox: Happiness, yeah. It's the...it's where happiness goes to die.
Maddox: It's where, uh, broken families culmi-...it's like the... (stammers) The seed that is planted by broken families flowers into a stand-up comic. That's... (cracks up) (Robin laughs)
Maddox: That's what that is.
Dick: That sounds pretty depressing.
Maddox: Oh, it is! It is.
Maddox: And that's a dead...that's where, like, dreams go to...to die.
Dick: Like, gun stores? (Maddox giggles)
Robin: Gun stores, yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: Probably good? (smiles) Where else would you say besides pilates classes? Which, there are ton of hot chicks in pilates classes. Where else? Where else would they be?
Robin: Where do women go?
Robin: I don't know. A book club? Is that where women go?
Dick: Oh, a book club! That's a good one! (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, but they can sniff out a weasel like a mile away. If you try to bullshit your way in a book club, they'll fuckin' sniff you out a MILE away. 'Cause -
Dick: (interjects) Are you tryin' to protect some kinda racket over there? (Maddox and Robin laugh) Mr. Author?
Maddox: I've thought about...whup! Uhh, I've thought about -
Dick: (interjects) Forget book clubs; put on a book SIGNING. (Maddox giggles) That's how you really bring 'em out.
Maddox: "Hey ladies!" Um...no, the -
Dick: (interjects) "Lemme sign your book. OOPS! That was your tits!" (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: You know what, guys? I used to be really bad at, uh, at conversation starting, initiating conversations, and I was never...I was always a shy person, right?
Maddox: I read "The Game."
Maddox: I know Neil Strauss, the guy who wrote "The Game," right? That's the book about pickup artists, and what...blah blah blah, yadda yadda.
Maddox: It got kind of a bad rap because he talked about negging in the book.
Maddox: He was just kind of...documenting it.
Maddox: He wasn't suggesting...in fact, he never...he doesn't espouse negging. He doesn't think that that's a good strategy to approach women.
Dick: I have more negs.
Maddox: Oh, I...
Dick: If you wanna hear them. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: I wanna hear them after this.
Dick: Keep going, keep going. Okay.
Maddox: So he basically...later on in an interview, I don't remember where exactly, but he...people were talkin' to him about whether or not it's required reading to read "The Game" to be able to approach people. Not just for men, but for women too. He said, "No, you could read 'The Game' and try to practice your inner workings and go through all these different strategies and stuff, or you could just take an improv class." Because the same skills that you have in improv are the same skills you need to initiate a conversation. Just being able to walk up to anybody and talk about anything at any time. That's all it is!
Robin: Improv is a great way to meet people, I think.
Maddox: There you go. Bingo.
Robin: It's about 50/50 on genders, too.
Dick: 50/50? (incredulous)
Maddox: I would say so, yeah.
Robin: That's the best you're gonna get in any kinda comedy situation.
Dick: Well, what are the rules? Like, what's...if you can give one takeaway from an improv class, so people don't have to go pay to take it. You know?
Maddox: Well, the one...first of all, you have to be confident and be interesting. Those are the only two things -
Dick: (interjects) Ohh, come on! That's no...that's no good to any of us!! (Maddox and Robin laugh) Get outta here. "Confident and interesting." (sneering)
Maddox: You know what? The rule, the one thing -
Dick: (interjects) So drink 3 beers...
Maddox: No, no, no.
Dick: ...and load up random Wikipedia on your phone. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: No, that's...
Dick: That's how you do it. Walk around.
Maddox: That is awful. Hone-
Dick: (interjects) "Lemme tell you about Versailles."
Maddox: Honestly, I'll tell you the one thing that changed my life more than anything, the one tip, and this has just absolutely changed my life. I've told it to other people and it has changed their lives too: make eye contact, and don't break eye contact.
Dick: Ohh, yeah.
Maddox: Don't be the first person to break eye contact, with a woman or a man. If you guys connect in a bar and you make eye contact, don't break away.
Dick: Never break away. (growling)
Maddox: Let the tension build...
Maddox: ...and then smile. That's it!!
Maddox: That's your conversation opener, because if you're in a loud bar and it's really hard to talk and it's really hard to hear, you're still communicating to that other person that you are bold and confident just by looking at them in the eye. Because you're not shying away.
Dick: And that you wanna bang them. (Robin snickers)
Maddox: That's exactly what it communicates, because it -
Dick: (interjects) But that's wh-...yeah!!
Maddox: It does!
Robin: Yeah, I think that's good.
Maddox: It communicates sexual tension! It does!
Dick: Right away! You've gotta know RIGHT away.
Dick: If it's not there right away, pull the cord.
Maddox: Well, that's the other thing. If a girl pulls away too quickly, then she might be shy and insecure, and you...not really the type of person you might wanna talk to.
Dick: Move on.
Maddox: I'm looking for confident women who are interesting and have something to say, and they're bold and they feel...they have high self-esteem.
Maddox: And they're looking for that in a guy too.
Maddox: So when you make eye contact with a woman in a bar or a guy in a bar, and they don't break away, you smile. That's your opener. You go over and say hi! You say, "Look, we just made eye contact. I have to introduce myself to you." That's your opener. There you are.
Dick: Robin, lemme ask you somethin'. Who in this room looks the most like Wil Wheaton?
Maddox: Oh boy.
Robin: ...no one? (Maddox sighs heavily)
Dick: Ohhh. (dismayed) Okay.
Robin: Uh, what answer? What am I -
Maddox: (interjects) You got (inaudible) there.
Robin: Yeah. (laughs) Also -
Dick: (interjects) There was no wrong answer to that question except that one. (laughs with Maddox)
Robin: It's the only one I wanted to give. (cracking up)
Dick: Uh, here's another neg for ya.
Dick: "Do you like Jeff Goldblum? Because you look like him, you retarded bitch." (everyone bursts out laughing) Pretty good neg! Right??
Maddox: (audience laugh sound effect) (more giggling)
Dick: *I* think that's a good neg.
Robin: Will you say one of these lines to someone tonight? (Maddox keeps laughing)
Dick: Uh...sure, yeah. What do you w-...? (chuckles)
Robin: I want you to say the tuna fish line to someone that you don't know tonight at a bar.
Sean: But he only brings in things that have been field-tested. (Dick and Robin laugh)
Dick: Yeah! These are all...
Maddox: Yeah. (muttering)
Dick: I know these are quality negs, or your money back. On the show.
Maddox: Robin, a couple episodes ago I said about Dick that he has been slapped by more women than anyone else I know in real life.
Dick: Oh, come on. Please.
Maddox: That's an absolute fact.
Maddox: And it's probably because of this horseshit right here. (laughs with Robin)
Dick: That's funny. Yeah, I think, um...I think the whole, like, pickup artist movement...
Dick: ...has kind of poisoned a lot of guys to be these weird robots.
Maddox: Some of 'em! Yeah.
Dick: That are just hitting on people all the time. And that has, in effect, poisoned the well and driven women away from, like, meeting... (stammers) Like, I think people are afraid to meet in bars now. And out. I think they're actually afraid to just talk to each other.
Maddox: Uh, that...I don't know about that. It has created a new dynamic. Like, since...before and after, there's this new universe we live in with, uh, with pickup artists and weirdos going around and trying weird tricks and things like that. You can usually sniff 'em out a mile away.
Maddox: When you internalize...when you change who you are...and people say the best thing to do is be yourself. Fuck that. Don't be yourself; you're boring. Be a better version of yourself. Right? You don't wanna be...like, you know what? If I'm myself, I might be sittin' home with barbecue stains on my shirt. That's not fucking cool! I don't care if that is me; I'm not going to put that version of me out there. I'm going to put the best version of myself out there. Don't be that loser who's like, "Well, I shouldn't have to change! I shouldn't have to do anything!" Fuck you! Yes, you should!!
Maddox: Yes, you fucking should! You go to church, you put on your best clothes. You go to work, you put on your best clothes. Right? You put on the best version of yourself...
Maddox: ...for the situation that you're in. If you're tryin' to meet somebody, put on the best version of yourself. And don't fake it. If you're faking it, if you're being phony and saying that you are into a bunch of hobbies and shit like that? Sure. Then you're fulla shit.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: Like hiking? (Sean groans in the background)
Maddox: Yeah! Don't... (chuckles) Don't say you like to hike, 'cause that's a...oh, you're gonna get sucked into that.
Robin: Oh, God. That's the #1 worst one, yeah.
Maddox: Uh-huh. Everyone likes to hike.
Dick: And traveling. "Oh, I love traveling," too.
Maddox: I like to travel, though. That's for real.
Dick: Ohokay. (dismissively) (Maddox guffaws)
Maddox: Ah, okay! (laughing)
Robin: Also, I'd say that you have to accept that you're gonna get rejected a huge chunk of the time.
Dick: Most of the time.
Robin: I ask a lot of guys out, and I have about a 50/50 rate of getting rejected.
Dick: Okay. (scoffing)
Maddox: Well, that's way better than most guys, Robin.
Dick: Well, good for fuckin' you. (smiles)
Robin: Well, yeah, but I'm saying I ask people out. Most girls don't do that, right? In general? I don't know. Whatever. Yeah, that's still a high r-
Maddox: (interjects) I don't know. I do...I do sometimes, yeah.
Robin: It's a still a proportion. It's not zero, right? Like, you have to just be constantly ready. Like, you're gonna get rejected.
Maddox: Right, right.
Robin: You have to have a thick skin that gets you past that.
Maddox: Absolutely, and -
Robin: (interjects) And...yeah.
Maddox: And God bless you for being able to do that, because it takes a lot of confident to be...confidence, rather, to be able to, uh, approach and ask that guy.
Robin: Well, I just like weak men, so. (Maddox guffaws)
Dick: You're in luck! (Robin and Sean chuckle)
Maddox: You're in good company.
Dick: 'Cause there's a lot of them.
Dick: Yeah, I think just say hi. Don't worry about it.
Maddox: Robin, how do you...how do you approach a man? What do you say to him?
Robin: Um, I say...uhh, what...I never talk to people in real life.
Dick: That'll work!
Maddox: Oh, it's always online, huh?
Robin: It's online, or...yeah, or I'll pussyfoot around. I'll just say, "Come hang out! Come hang out. Don't you wanna hang out with me?"
Maddox: Ohhhh! See, sneak...okay, so I stopped doing the hangout thing, and I started goin' back to the old-fashioned word "date."
Maddox: Because when I...I have "hung out" with chicks.
Robin: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: On...we've gone on 4 dates. I went out on a d-...with a g-
Dick: (interjects) And there's nothing worse than that.
Maddox: Oh, it's awful!
Dick: Like, there is NOTHING worse than just hanging out with someone you wanna bone. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: I...I -
Dick: (interjects) Is there? No, it's not.
Maddox: No, it sucks!
Dick: There's not.
Maddox: It sucks.
Robin: Nonono, it's when you're hanging out with someone who wants to bone you and you wanna escape real bad. That's terrible.
Maddox: Oh, there you go. (chuckles)
Dick: I would rather have that.
Maddox: Okay. Nah, I don't know, they're both bad. But -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause then you can trick 'em into leaving your apartment and then lock 'em outside. It's not a joke! (everyone laughing)
Maddox: "Uhh, why don't you step out and get my newspaper, baby?" Um...I went on a date one time with this girl, and she was very flirty with me. Like, to the point where she was putting her...we were in a bar, across from each other. Like, putting her foot in my crotch! And I thought, "Okay, well, this is...this means business." Right?
Dick: Business time. (sexy voice)
Maddox: Right? Well, so we went out on a date. It was a movie date, and the movie we went to see was about a couple who were going on a first date, and they literally defined a date as...the girl was like, "Well, what's a date?" And the guy said, "Well, I don't know. I guess it's when you go to dinner and a movie." We were at dinner and a movie.
Maddox: And then afterwards went to a bar, blah blah blah, went back to my place, and then, uh...and then, you know, I wasn't gettin' the vibe, like the makeout vibe or anything, 'cause we were just hanging out and that's what we called it.
Maddox: Even though it was, like, dark in my apartment, and we were watching a movie together and finally she said, "Yeah, I'm not...I'm not really...this isn't a date." I'm like, "It's...it's definitely a fucking date."
Maddox: "I mean, if you're not interested that's a different story, but don't call this 'not a date.' This is DEFINITELY a date." And she said, "Oh, well, you know, I just thought we were hanging out." That's why that word is poison. I never use it anymore.
Dick: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Robin: It's a pussy move.
Robin: And I know I was pulling it, but it's very hard...ah okay, I've texted "Do you wanna go on a date?" to like 3 people. It's very hard to do that.
Maddox: It is hard to do, though.
Robin: It really is soul-crushing. (chuckling)
Maddox: Well, what if he doesn't go out?
Dick: (interjects) I...wait a minute, wait a minute.
Maddox: Yeah. What, Dick?
Dick: I think, what did you do during this movie? What did you say that turned her from playing, uh...
Robin: Yeah, why didn't you touch her foot?
Dick: ...hacky sack with your nut sack to "this isn't a date"? (Maddox laughs) What happened?
Maddox: Uh, it wasn't me.
Dick: Did you get off on a rant about, uh...
Maddox: No. (Robin laughs)
Dick: ...mark-...pizza or something? (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: No. I just talked about how much I like kicking babies! Uh, no. It...you know what, man? It wasn't me, man. I found out later on that she'd done this to multiple different guys.
Maddox: Which is kinda misleading. And I told her too, on the...on our "date," I told her. I said, "You can't do this stuff, because it is definitely misleading to people," and I knew...there was this...and then I found out that there was a string of men she'd done that to in her wake.
Dick: With p-...putting her feet on their balls?! And then...
Maddox: All sorts of weird stuff like that, yeah!
Robin: That's weird.
Dick: That's weird.
Maddox: Yeah, it was really weird! It was really unsettling, and so...you know, we're still friends and everything, but I told her... (stammers) I thought, "That was...that was really weird." And then...you know what though? And then she said, "I feel bad 'cause I feel like I mis-...I led you on," and I said, "You know what? It's not your fault entirely, because I should've not been pussyfootin' around either. I should've just said something right up front."
Dick: You shoulda came all over her foot. (Maddox spits out laughing) (Robin laughs)
Dick: You gotta assert your dominance. (Sean, Maddox, and Dick laugh)
Robin: Have you guys ever gotten a foot job?
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox giggles loudly) Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Ahh. Alright Dick, any...anything? Any comments?
Dick: No! I mean, uhh... (stammers) I have to...she got me most of the way there, and then there was a little bit of foot stuff to finish me off.
Dick: I mean, it's not that great of a story. (Maddox groans)
Maddox: Alright, yeah. (cringing) That's pretty gross.
Dick: She's a weird chick. (shrugs)
Maddox: I don't...I have not. I've had a foot down there, and I..."Let's do this the normal way."
Dick: No, I'm down, whatever's goin' on.
Maddox: Yeah? (laughs with Robin)
Dick: "Alright, let's see what that foot's doin'."
Maddox: Yeah, well. Alright!
Dick: Alright, that's my problem.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, good problem. Uh, my problem this week was Trans Fats or Partially Hydrogenated Oils. Robin, what was your problem?
Robin: It was People That Don't Value Science.
Dick: Hm, pretty good. My problem was Initiating a Conversation. For purposes of boning. (Sean cracks up in the background) Robin, you wanna plug anything? What's the name of your play?
Robin: Um, well, it no longer exists. (chuckles)
Robin: It was called "Star Trek: Between the Sheets."
Dick: Oh, that's a great...
Maddox: "Star Trek: Between the Sheets." And your website, Robin, for those who are interested, is...
Robin: Oh yeah, it's called "The Higgs Weldon." H-I-double 'G', space.
Maddox: H-I-double 'G'...wait, space?
Robin: Well, no...not on the Internet.
Maddox: No, there's no space.
Robin: In the name.
Maddox: In the name, yeah.
Robin: In the Internet... (cracks up)
Dick: Alright. (sighing) (Robin and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: We're already blowin' this. We'll link to it on the website.
Maddox: It's "Higgs," H-I-double 'G'-S, W-E-L-D-O-N, "Weldon." No 'H' in there. It's not British.
Maddox: But "Higgs Weldon." It's very funny, and our very own friend of the show Asterios Kokkinos is a contributor to the website, right?
Robin: Yeah, he's a columnist.
Dick: Oh, wow!
Maddox: There's a lot of funny stuff on it. I've actually seen it pop up multiple times on my news feed, and I didn't know it was your website for the longest time, even though it has your last name in it. Uh, like an idiot. Um, anyway.
Dick: Thank you so much for coming on the show.
Maddox: Yeah! Thank you for being on the show.
Robin: Thanks for having me, man. This was very fun.
(theme riff starts)
Dick: Uh, if anyone's listening, you need to get catcalled more. (Robin chuckles) So that's what we learned.
Robin: Thank you.
Maddox: That's what -
Dick: (interjects) 3 in a decade, that's not...
Maddox: That's what women...yeah.
Dick: That's not enough.
Dick: That's not enough.
Maddox: Gotta whistle more.
Dick: See you next Tuesday.
Voicemail (male caller): I see Maddox going down this path...
Voicemail: ...where within about a year, he's probably gonna become a stoner, and just anti-...and he's just gonna become a complete hippie. 'Cause look at the last...okay. First, he's sees the new technology and he's just like, "Man, this is crazy, bro!"
Dick: He's talkin' about you.
Voicemail: "Like, you put on the headset, bro, and you're in the virtual reality, bro. It's gonna take over everything, man."
Maddox: Can't wait.
Voicemail: Like somebody who fuckin' saw a computer screen for the first time and was like, "The lights are crazy! Like, you can put words on here! You don't have to write down shit anymore! You don't understand, bro. You don't understand what this is gonna change. Fuckin' everything."
Maddox: Yeah! And it...he was right.
Voicemail: And now he's like, "Corporations are just...they're evil! They're, you know... (inaudible) (Dick giggles) Did you know that they...the advertising isn't true??"
Dick: That's a pretty good impression of you. (Maddox laughs)
Voicemail: "Did you know that when Mercedes says that they care about the troops, that it's just an advertising campaign?! This is..." (Dick laughs harder)
Maddox: Fuckin' jackass.
Voicemail: "This is...this is crazy!" And then soon he's gonna smoke some weed and be like, "Whoa, this is illegal? It's just a plant, man!" (Dick and Robin laugh) "This is just a plant, man! This is...why are you guys so crazy about a plant?" And then fuckin' two years from now, he's gonna be like, "Jet fuel can not melt steel beams, Dick." (everyone laughs) "I mean, look at all...you just gotta look at the corporations. They lie, so the government lies. Everything's a lie!" And then he'll be fuckin' 16 by November and maybe his balls'll drop and he'll have sex for the first time. (more laughing) And then he'll forget about all of it and live in the real world like the rest of us.
Dick: Yeah, the real world.
Maddox: You know what, fuck that guy!
Dick: Come live in the real world, Maddox. (smiles)
Maddox: Fuck that guy. That was, uh...that was a pretty good off...like, just, um...what was it, free thought...what's it called when you -
Dick: (interjects) Rambling. (Maddox chuckles)
Robin: Train of thought?
Maddox: Yeah...no, uh, free...free-flow thought.
Sean: Stream of consciousness?
Maddox: Stream of thought!
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Stream-of-consciousness rant. I was gonna shit on that guy, but that was a really good stream-of-consciousness rant. But still, fuck that guy. Dick, my...I got so many "Dick Versus Dicks" last episode that my head started to spin.
Dick: Oh. What, do you wanna play them?
Maddox: Well, here, I got this.
Dick: This fuckin' chickenshit bit that he does.
Maddox: It's not a chickenshit bit. (muttering)
Dick: Have you heard one of these, Robin?
Robin: It's about two dicks?
Dick: "Dick Versus Dick"?
Robin: I've seen a picture of two dicks touching each other on the website. (Maddox giggles) Is that related to it?
Dick: Oh, on the dol-...the dollar bill art?
Dick: Well, it is related.
Dick: Uh, 'cause it's...it's, uh...this bit is basically Maddox rubbing his own penis on his own penis, like, audibly.
Robin: Hmm. That sounds like a porn you would like!
Dick: Yeah, it does! (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah, real funny, guys. (Dick giggles) [plays "Dick Versus Dick" intro]
(ritzy game show theme music)
Deep Voice (reverb): Dick...Versus...Diiiiiiick!
Maddox: Ahhh. Alright, Dick. (sighs) You remember last episode, you said, uh, this -
Dick: (interjects) Just play the fuckin' clips!! (Maddox and Sean laugh) Everybody knows what you're doing. Just play the goddamn clips.
(dreamy harp glissandos) (clip from Episode 61 plays)
Dick: You know, a lot of drug users have been some of the biggest intellectuals of our time.
Maddox: People are smart in spite of drugs, not because of drugs.
Dick: Yeah. I mean, obviously I don't agree with that, but, uh...
Maddox: Yeah. But then in Episode 47, you said THIS.
Dick: It's a plant that's...it just makes people stupid. (Dick groans) (Maddox giggles) It makes you stupid! And it makes...it, like, makes kids' IQs over t-...if they're heavy users for 10 years? Drops their IQ by 10 points.
Dick: So what?
Maddox: Which... (laughs with Sean)
Dick: What... (chuckling) What does it...
Dick: It's a plant...it makes you lethargic and dumb-sounding.
Robin: I'm so calmed down from that sound effect. That's a beautiful sound effect.
Maddox: Very calming, right? Hm.
Dick: Yeah. Great fuckin' bit. (everyone else laughs) It makes -
Maddox: (interjects) Why don't you use it...
Dick: It dulls your senses and makes you dopey while you're smoking it.
Dick: It's bad for -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, all the...all...
Dick: It's bad for teenagers, but what isn't bad for teenagers? They're still developing.
Maddox: Mmm... (skeptical)
Dick: Once you're an adult, fuck off. It's a race to the grave. (Sean giggles in the background)
Maddox: Computers, virtual reality...Wheaties, vitamins, exercise; these are all things that are not bad -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, you ffffuckin' teetotaller! (Maddox laughs) Is that what that's called? Teetotaller?
Maddox: Teetotalling? Yeah.
Dick: The name of those pricks who don't do any drugs?
Maddox: Yeah. (dryly)
Dick: If everybody could get as high off the smell of their own farts as you can, then we wouldn't have to do drugs. But we do.
Maddox: Yeah, well...
Dick: We have to.
Maddox: Yeah, drugs...so drugs are pretty cool?
Dick: Yeah! They're the - [Maddox interrupts with clip from Episode 49]
Dick: And I'm not one of these people.
Maddox: Me neither. (Robin snickering)
Dick: I don't really...I don't really like weed. Yeah, I don't...I'm not a big...I'm not a big fan of weed. Don't smoke it.
Dick: I don't.
Dick: And, um, potheads really fuckin' annoy me.
Dick: They do.
Maddox: Oh, whoop...whoooop! (Dick sound clip: "It's just a weed, man.") (Maddox giggles hysterically) (Sean laughing in the background)
Dick: I don't smoke alotta weed. I'll smoke it if I'm OFFERED weed. (Robin laughs) But I don't go looking for it, like I do...
Maddox: Okay! (grinning)
Dick: I don't BUY it.
Dick: I'll just take it.
Dick: If there's a joint being passed around, I'll take it.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay! Anything else? Do you have any voi-...uh, voicem-
Dick: (interjects) You don't have a food that you do that for? I know you love cinnamon, but is there a food that you'll eat if it's presented to you, but you won't go seek it out?
Maddox: Uh, yeah. That co-
Dick: (interjects) Like basil?
Dick: Coleslaw. (snidely) Fuckin' perfect.
Maddox: I NEVER want coleslaw in my mouth.
Dick: Fuckin' perfect.
Robin: It's gross.
Dick: And yet some people are big fanatics of coleslaw. Right?
Maddox: Yeah, idiots. Fatsos.
Dick: Well, there you go.
Maddox: That's who...I've never met anyone who's smart or well-read who really likes coleslaw. (Robin chuckles) Right, Robin? You don't like coleslaw.
Robin: I like vinegar-based coleslaw. But if it has mayonnaise-based? Fuck you.
Maddox: Very techni-...oh my gosh. Sean, you're in on this. He's nodding!
Maddox: What is this?
Maddox: Is that a thi-...that's a thing??
Robin: Oh yeah, it's really good.
Sean: Yeah, it's like German coleslaw, isn't it?
Maddox: Okay, nerds. What do you got, Dick?
Dick: Your stupid bit reminded me that you have to watch 30 seconds of Titanic.
Maddox: Aw, dammit! FUCK. (Robin laughs)
Robin: Ohh, yesss!
Dick: Robin, do you remember...? You know Titanic, obviously.
Robin: Oh yeah.
Maddox: Hah, GREAT.
Dick: 'Kay. Last...last episode of 30 seconds of Titanic...
Dick: ...we left off where, uh, Rose has just called Bill Paxton...
Dick: ...and asked him if he'd found the Heart...what is it, the Heart of...? The jewel. The big jewel.
Robin: Heart of the Ocean.
Dick: Heart of the Ocean! Asked him if he'd found it yet, and he was like, "Guhhhhh?! What? How does this old lady know about the H-...?"
Dick: Then they have James Cameron, the masterful romantic action-adventure filmmaker that he is... (Maddox chuckles sarcastically) This is the first mention of the diamond. Right?
Dick: That's where we're at right now.
Robin: This is great.
Maddox: Sounds like you're about to cum on his toes. (snickers with Sean) [Dick plays next 30 seconds of Titanic] Dammit. (muttering)
(epic music + sound of a helicopter flying)
Dick: This is the chopper where Rose is in the chopper, flying -
Robin: (interjects) There's also a very cute Pomeranian.
Dick: Maddox. (scolding) Pomeranian! You wanna see that, don't you?
Guy with Bill Paxton: She's a goddamn liar! Some nutcase seekin' money or publicity! God only knows why.
Maddox: You know, everyone in this movie's dead right now. (Robin laughs)
Dick: No, Bill Paxton isn't dead, you asshole. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: You know who is though, is the, uh, president of Nintendo. (laughs loudly) (Robin laughs)
(more helicopter sounds)
Maddox: Send more hate mail, idiots! Good!
Dick: Very exciting.
Maddox: Good, I'm glad I talked through that whole bit. Good. Garbage movie. I will NEVER watch it.
Robin: You've never seen it?
Maddox: I've never seen it!
Dick: And he refuses to.
Robin: But you're getting through it now.
Dick: Yeah. That's his punishment for losing every episode.
Maddox: Yeah. Ohoho, okay. (sarcastic) (Robin laughs)
Dick: He has to watch a bit of Titanic, 'cause he refuses to watch it.
Maddox: Oh, that reminds me, Dick...to bring in some TED Talks. For you. (mischievously) Because you -
Dick: (interjects) No, I don't really care, though. It's not as funny.
Maddox: You hate...ahh, okay.
Dick: 'Cause I'll w-...eh, I hate them...
Maddox: Ah, sure. (smiles)
Dick: I find them annoying.
Maddox: Why do you hate TED Talks?
Dick: Well, because it...I think they're mostly, like, ads. Like, people do them to advertise their consulting services, and they're...like, they take forever to get to the fuckin' point. Like, 17 minutes is way too long. It should be, like...45 seconds, or 12 seconds. Like, just...let's go! Speed through it. Cut out all the laughter. You edited this video; cut out all the goddamn laughter and the fuckin' jokes! Just make your point!! First of all, it's a PowerPoint. Fu-...no, I'll do this next time. (Maddox and Robin laugh) I don't wanna use up a problem of TED Talks.
Maddox: Alright, coming soon.
Dick: Heh. Right? (smiles) (Robin and Maddox giggle)