Problem: “No Fumar” [00:29:27]

Problem: Selfie Stick [00:47:45]

The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 59

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from ants to AIDS, with over 3.2 million downloads. This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I am Maddox, with me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?

Maddox: Welcome back. Did you notice that intro? I left off "Sean, our audio engineer."

Dick: He's not here.

Maddox: He's not here today.

Dick: No. He sent me a weird text right before...last night when we were setting up the time to record, and he said he had to, uh...he had to go be in a penis contest.

Maddox: Yeah! A penis contest at the penis fair.

Dick: At the penis fair, exactly. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. He's at the penis fair right now. We have no idea where this is taking place (Dick laughs) or what happens at the penis fair, but Sean is there right now.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He's also not editing this episode.

Maddox: No. (laughs) You know 'cause you can hear that last sentence.

Dick: So I don't know if he's competing in it, if he's judging it, or if he's just cooking up a penis-related dish at the penis fair. (Maddox chuckles) But he's there! If you're at the penis fair, go ahead and say "hi" to him.

Maddox: Yeah, they need a lot of judges. They have a lot of things that need to be tasted. (cracks up) At the penis fair.

Dick: Oh, is that what you think he's doing?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: A joke?

Maddox: No, that's not necessarily gay!

Dick: Hm! That's true.

Maddox: I mean, Sean is straight. You can still taste penises...

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: ...and be straight, yeah!

Dick: It's true. That's true.

Maddox: The only difference between a straight guy and a gay guy if you taste a penis pie is that you enjoy it. One of 'em enjoys it.

Dick: Well...

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Let's see what the Supreme Court has to say about it. (Maddox laughs loudly) I don't even wanna weigh in! I don't even wanna weigh in. It doesn't matter. Whatever the Supreme Court says.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's the law. (smiling)

Maddox: Well, it's done! (Dick laughs) It's done. Big week this week!

Dick: Big week this week. Alright, what...uh, speakin' of big weeks, what happened last week? Did Free Water Cups beat out Anti-Intellectualism?

Maddox: No.

Dick: I think it should have.

Maddox: No, Free -

Dick: (interjects) It's a pretty big problem. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Free Water Cups did not beat out Anti-Intellectualism. Anti-Intellectualism was the #1 problem from last week. Did, uh, did pretty well. I was bringing it in...I didn't even have time in the episode last time because the conversation got derailed.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But I was trying to at some point make a case for our listeners being anti-intellectual for voting up Social Justice Warriors higher than real problems, actual real problems on the list like Hunger and Obesity.

Dick: Yeah, but that's the beauty of this show, isn't it?

Maddox: (chuckles) Is it?

Dick: Like, you get to get to see what everybody's private priorities are. You know? Like, let's be honest. Problems that are thousands of miles away from us are just not as important as the problems that are at our front door.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's the way we're built, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. Like, I'm not -

Maddox: (interjects) I am!

Dick: You are?

Maddox: That's absolutely...there is something absolutely wrong with that.

Dick: Well, I don't know, Maddox!

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: Do you live by that as well?

Maddox: (raises voice) Dick, that is the problem...that is why Social Justice Warriors are so infuriating, is because they're sitting here complaining about this minutia when they could be tackling actual things that are affecting millions and millions of women in HORRIFIC ways, like female genital mutilation. I see zero articles on Facebook about that every week, but I see hundreds of articles every month about manspreading and gawking and catcalling and all this shit!

Dick: Okay. I see what you're saying and I agree with you, but I will say this: as the problems get larger in scope, like when you're talking about female genital mutilation versus something like, I don't know, free water cups...

Maddox: Yeah. (amused)

Dick: ...the solutions also get incredibly complicated. Like, if you were to say, "Alright everybody, we all have decided that female genit-...FGM is a big problem."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "What are we gonna do about it?" Half of those people are gonna say, "It's because of Islam!" and then you're gonna go, "WHOA, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay, let's solve something else. I just bit off a big ol' matzo ball." You see what I'm saying? It's not as easy as saying "let's fix it" when the solution is so complicated.

Maddox: It's not, Dick! The solution is ban it! That's what Nigeria just did because of ME!

Dick: Yeah... (unsure)

Maddox: You're welcome, everyone! *I* did it. (yelling)

Dick: Well...

Maddox: I banned female genital mutilation in Nigeria because of my podcast episode. (Dick laughing) I brought it in as a problem.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The president of Nigeria -- big fan! He calls into the show -

Dick: (interjects) I'm surprised he hasn't called in yet. (Maddox laughs) Speaking of... (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah, he hasn't called in YET.

Dick: Speaking of calls! Oh, boy. (laughing)

Maddox: We are expecting a call from the president of Nigeria any day.

Dick: Warm up those accents, boys and girls!

Maddox: Yeah. No, you just ban it, and it's not just Islam. It's the...the majority of Islam does not practice female genital mutilation. It is a cultural...

Dick: Well...

Maddox: It is a cultural thing.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So you ban it like you ban marijuana and, like, all other crimes? (stammers) know what I'm saying?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Just 'cause you ban it, doesn't mean people stop doing it.

Maddox: Well, y-...okay, hold on. That's not true. If you ban it...first of all, marijuana is nothing like female genital mutilation. That's a bad analogy. But when you ban -

Dick: (interjects) It's almost the opposite!

Maddox: It's not... (laughs)

Dick: It's almost the exact opposite.

Maddox: It's not always... (unintelligible through giggles) (Dick laughs) You don't put a joint in a a child's vagina and call it a day.

Dick: Mm! (anxiously)

Maddox: It doesn't fix things.

Dick: Child? Please. (hushed) (Maddox laughs loudly) It's gross when you say it like that.

Maddox: Okay, yeah. Dick, it is a problem that can be solved simply by banning it, and that's not going to make it ENTIRELY go away, sure!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But it will start the cultural trend against it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: No, I agree with you! I'm just saying, it's not as easy as "attack the biggest problem," 'cause the big problems have very complicated solutions that people will defend to the death.

Maddox: Yeah. Speaking of cultural trends, Dick, this week the Supreme Court turned over the gay marriage ban.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I saw -

Dick: (interjects) Congratulations, gays. Welcome to hell.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Welcome to trying to dodge this question for the rest of your lives: "When are we gettin' married?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ulllghhh! (cringing)

Maddox: That was the big joke I saw. On Comedy Central, Key & Peele had a skit about that.

Dick: Oh, did they?

Maddox: Yeah, where they were interviewing Key & Peele, and I think Peele was, like, over-the-top excited (Dick laughs) and he's like, "Yeah, I can't wait to get married," and his partner was like, "Well, uh...we didn't expect it to happen so fast."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then he goes, "Yeah, but we were already planning on places," (Dick laughs) and he goes, "Well, we're gonna talk about it for sure. We're gonna talk about this."

Dick: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: Yeah, and then Stephen Colbert made a joke about that too, about how it's now a huge problem for gay guys with commitment issues.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Now that's the biggest problem on the docket. Now here's the thing, Dick: I saw this meme floating around where people were saying, "My post on Facebook contributed to this. #slacktivism." Right? I think that when you post things on Facebook specifically to change cultural trends...because essentially whether or not we as a culture decide gay marriage is okay is entirely our opinion.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: There is no natural law forbidding gay guys from getting married. Right? Or women from getting married.

Dick: No, the natural law is against marriage. Like, marriage itself is a perversion of the natural law, you might say.

Maddox: Sure! I mean, it's against my beliefs!

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: All marriage is against my beliefs!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I think that we should push to the Supreme Court to get ALL marriage banned.

Dick: Well, I...yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I would support that.

Maddox: Anyway, but when it comes to something that just comes down to changing people's minds and perceptions, I don't think that's slacktivism because there is no other way to do it. Essentially, you could buy a billboard on a very busy intersection and hope that enough people see it and have their minds changed, or you could do that for free on Facebook. There is no difference. Essentially you're just trying to change people's minds.

Dick: Yeah, the gay marriage... (exhales) It's interesting, because there was a sudden public reversal.

Maddox: Sudden?

Dick: On opinion. Or, well, I would say...

Maddox: It's gradual.

Dick: In 10 years? Like, have you seen...I would call 10 years in a population of 300 million people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The swing from a lot of people were against it to, like, SO many people are suddenly for it? I would say that that happened in about 10 years...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...and that it was extremely fast.

Maddox: You think 10 years is fast? Well...

Dick: For something like that, yeah.

Maddox: Maybe.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Maybe you're right. Uh, we -

Dick: (interjects) Well, we went from a past where like every politician -- Obama included, Clinton included, Schwarzenegger included -- all ran on tickets opposing gay marriage!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And now all of a sudden you have the White House bathed in a rainbow like it's Rainbow Brite's headquarters.

Maddox: Right. (chuckling)

Dick: And they're like, "Uh, you guys...hey, nobody remembers when we were all against this, right? 'Cause we're all for it now."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "I painted the fuckin' White House." Like, that is a huge cultural shift!

Maddox: It is. It is a huge cultural shift. Yeah, I think that happened relatively fast if you compare that cultural shift to other ones, like the Civil Rights movement, or...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. I'll give you that.

Dick: And I would've liked...this is just me speaking. I would've liked to see it play out more in public. It's cool that it's decided. That it's, you know, over and everybody can celebrate that it's legal. Personally, I would've liked to have seen more people convinced the traditional way. You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know how public opinion swayed so extremely quickly.

Maddox: Well, the only difference we have between the way that this happened today, now, and in the past cultural shifts that happened is we have the Internet.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: We have social networks, and we have greater mobility in communication. You are able to hear from the smallest voices with no platform. Some dude sitting in his basement in Utah, for example...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...can post a comment or an opinion on the Internet.

Dick: In between his soups. (Maddox laughs) And his correspondence. In between writing correspondence to his pen pals. (smiling)

Maddox: You know, you fucker... (Dick giggles) The first time I ever did a Twitch stream, all people could talk about was soup. It took over the conversation. People were just talkin' about "what's your favorite soup?" (Dick laughs harder) And then they started talkin' about clam chowder and chicken noodle. (irritated)

Dick: How do you feel about clam chowder?

Maddox: GOOD.

Dick: That's good, okay.

Maddox: Yeah. I like to put Tabasco, lots of Tabasco in it.

Dick: Yeah, good. Good, good, good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. (amused)

Maddox: Alright Dick, I'm sorry to change the topic from this spicy conversation of delicious clam chowder... (Dick laughs) ...but, uh, I have some sad news to share.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: One of the reasons I like to do this podcast and I respect the medium of broadcasting...I've always been a fan of talk radio, ever since I was a kid. When I was 12 years old I would call in to talk radio stations every morning. I'd wake u-...I'd set my alarm, wake up, and I have a tape at home -- I gotta find that tape -- of me -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah!

Maddox: Yeah. Of me in 6th grade calling in to this radio station in Utah called "The Imagination Station."

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And as a child I would call in and talk to the host. He got to know me by first name.

Dick: Is he still alive?

Maddox: I have no idea.

Dick: Would he know you? Like, would he remember those days?

Maddox: I mean, probably not.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My voice was different back then. So, I called in all the time. I started listening to talk radio from a very young age. I listened to Leykis and Stern and Phil Hendrie and all the local talk stations. One of the things that I like about talk radio is when there is that honesty and affords you the ability to speak about whatever you want, and it's a really interesting medium. And part of that honesty is just sharing, uh, sharing the hosts' lives with you guys, right? So something sad happened to me this last week. My sister killed herself. It's really tragic. It's really sad, and...I talked to my family, and everyone was affected in a different way. This was my half sister from my dad's side of the family, if you wanna be technical, but...yes, it's really sad. It was a case of depression, know, without going into too much detail, I'll just say that she was depressed because it was the anniversary of her partner's passing, who died I think a year prior, and she just really felt depressed about that. And I just wanna say, guys, if you are feeing that way, if you have those thoughts, if you have those considerations...uh, I read this somewhere and I'm not sure it'll help, but why not book a last ticket somewhere? Right? Travel.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: If you're gonna kill yourself, kill yourself in another country.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause when you get there, you might change your mind. You might say "Okay, this country's awesome. I'm gonna hang on for a little bit longer," or you might get there and say "This country sucks," and... (cracks up) And it might exacerbate the situation, I don't know, but...

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Travel! Don't die with funds in your bank account. Go someplace.

Dick: That's a good point, 'cause that's gonna get wasted.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: By some shithead.

Maddox: Yeah, on your fu-...on your casket, guys.

Dick: On your heirs.

Maddox: Come on. Yeah, don't waste it on your heirs. That's garbage. There was that guy who tried...who was, uh, who was suicidal -

Dick: (interjects) At least bury it with you. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Take it with you!!

Dick: You know? Buy some collectibles, buy a lot of rare Pokemon cards and say, "Throw it in the casket."

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: "It's all fuckin' mine."

Maddox: Buy a one-of-a-kind thing and bury it with you as a "fuck you" to everyone else. No -

Dick: (interjects) Like our limited-edition Ash from Army of Darkness sculpture that Butt Sanchez sent us and Randy Kiyan, our producer, repaired that's sitting right there.

Maddox: Randy repaired the...we're gonna post this on the website. Ash is completely repaired. We're gonna post that on the website.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: But one last thing I just wanna mention about the suicide thing. There was a guy a while back who was suicidal, and he decided to book one last ticket to Mexico, to just go have a weekend in Mexico. He went down and had a threesome with hookers and did a whole... (cracks up)

Dick: Oohoohoo, alriiight!

Maddox: ...did a whole bunch of blow. And he decided, "You know what? My life's pretty awesome," and he changed his mind! He got an STD, but he changed his mind. Still alive today. Guys, um, talk to somebody. Do something. Book a ticket somewhere, you know? Suicide affects a lot of people in ways that you don't even understand or realize.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's a cloud that clouds your judgment, and it's temporary. Give it another day, give it another night, wait 'til the morning; think clearly. Don't think...don't make decisions emotionally. Anyway, that's all I wanna say on that.

Dick: Well, at the very least, buy 10,000 copies of our bonus episode, (Maddox laughs loudly) which is now available on iTunes! Our most recent bonus episode is finally available on iTunes.

Maddox: Yeah, and Dick, we need to emphasize. (Dick giggles) I keep getting emails from people saying, "Hey, it's like 10 bucks on iTunes," or 7 -

Dick: (interjecst) That's not our fault!! (Maddox scoffs) It's not our fault that it does that! iTunes makes you go through this whole stupid thing. Because it's so long, they default to $9.99 when we publish it, and they make you submit a price change request form over and over...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...until it gets reset, and then I have to go through CD Baby to do it and they are taking fuckin' forever.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For some reason.

Maddox: You know, Dick? I will say it is your fault in some way, because you are an Apple supporter (Dick laughs) and this is a shit company with a shit product. They make everything fucking difficult! They make it a pain in the ass to use everything, change anything, to tinker with anything.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: They hate it! They hate it when their customers are happy!

Dick: Okay. I got some voicemails for ya. [plays first voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, now you can get married (Maddox laughs) since the Supreme Court ruled that gay marriage is, um, in every state now!

Maddox: Great.

Voicemail: And Dick, you can go fuck yourself to gay porn.

[message ends]

Dick: Oh. (smiles) (Maddox laughs more)

Maddox: To GAY porn!

Dick: Legally now.

Maddox: It's a celebration, guys! (Dick cackles) It's a celebration. Maybe Dick and I will get married, fuck it!

Dick: Somebody said that. No, you would... (Maddox laughs) Man, I got the most amazing health insurance. What would I get outta this relationship?

Maddox: You'd get a great husband! (Dick snickers)

Dick: Really? (skeptical) (both laugh more) He's cookin' me spicy foods every night?

Maddox: Yeah, spicy chi-

Dick: (interjects) I'm shitting my brains out?

Maddox: Spicy buffalo chili, buddy!

Dick: Oh, really?

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: Alright, well, we're gonna have to talk after the show. This sounds like a good deal. (chuckling)

Maddox: Put THAT in your crow.

Dick: Alright. Here's... (stammers) I've got a voicemail from a woman! I always play those. [plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (female caller): (thick Boston accent) Hey guys, this is Debra from Boston. Maddox, I was listening to the episode with the anti-intelllluh-...whatevah. (Maddox spits out laughing) The not bein' smaht thing. Oh my gawd, who CARES?

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Voicemail: This is the one saying you can't fuck books? "Oh, I'm so smaht." Go fuck yahself. (both laugh more) Dick, you were wicked right with the thing about the water. It's, like, so funny.

Dick: Yeah!

Voicemail: I love you and I'll come over and sit on your tiny face anytime. (both laugh loudly) I'll fuck you so hahd, we'll get chili everywhere and I'll even change your sheets aftah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Oh. (grossed out)

Voicemail: We don't gotta use a condom. If we get a baby, we'll just give it to Maddox since he's so fuckin' smaht and knows how to raise a free baby. Right Maddox? Get raped.

[message ends]

(both still laughing hysterically)

Dick: Right??

Maddox: That's right, I am smaht! (laughs more)

Dick: First of all, I was wicked smart with the water problem. Or wicked funny, whatever one it was.

Maddox: Wicked smart, wicked funny? She wants to sit on your tiny face!

Dick: It's not...tiny. (Maddox laughs loudly) I do not have a tiny face. (irritated)

Maddox: Yeah. Uh, it's about the size of a thumbprint. A normal adult thumbprint.

Dick: Alright, calm down. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Yeah, why would she wanna give me the baby? I'd just throw it away!

Dick: I don't know. She didn't think that one through.

Maddox: I guess we're not gettin' married after all! (Dick laughs) You got your new chick from Bawston. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): (shouting) Maddox, you fuck!! "Metroid"?!? (Maddox starts giggling) METROID?? "Metroid" is a girl?!

Maddox: Yeah, shut up! (annoyed)

Voicemail: Are you FUCKING kidding me?

Maddox: I know, you fuck! (Dick cackles)

Voicemail: Talk about anti-intooallectualism, you son of a bitch! SAMUS! Samus Aran!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Voicemail: Is her fucking name!

Dick: Samus.

Maddox: Yeah.

Voicemail: Get it right! I don't even wanna imagine what you're like at fuckin' Street Fighter!

Dick: He's got about a million of these.

Maddox: Oh, great. I wanna hear 'em all. (smiles)

Voicemail: Fuck you!! (Maddox giggles) FUCK you! Ahh! AHHHHH!!! So mad right now, I'm sweating!!

[message ends]

Maddox: (laughs more) What a fuckin' idiot!

Dick: You fucked up.

Maddox: I got a comment from Matt Bahr.

Dick: Oh, he's back?!

Maddox: I don't know.

Dick: That's the Street Fighter challenger!

Maddox: Oh, is that...oh, is that the guy?

Dick: That's him!

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: Is he trash-talking you??

Maddox: A little, well, he t-

Dick: (interjects) Bring it on.

Maddox: You know, at the end of the last episode I said that, we were trying to decide what the winner should get.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I said, "Well, a night with the, uh, the loser's girlfriend."

Dick: Yeah, that's a good prize!

Maddox: "Or boyfriend, if they're gay." Right?

Dick: Whatever! It's legal now.

Maddox: So Matt Bahr... (cracks up) It's legal now. Matt Bahr commented. He said -

Dick: (interjects) It's legal now to make those jokes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah. Matt Bahr commented. He said, "I mean, if Maddox really wants to spend a night with my right hand..." (Dick laughs) Matt Bahr; no girlfriend!

Dick: No other girlfriend. Speaking of Street Fighter, Kevin Ward said he tuned into your Twitch channel to take notes on how to play Street Fighter 2.

Maddox: Oh. Yeah?

Dick: Uh, "...Street Fighter Alpha 2 like a badass."

Maddox: This better be good!

Dick: "So far, this has been his most successful strategy: 'Hadouken! Hadouken! Hadouken! Hadouken! Hadouken! Hadouken! Hadouken! Hadou-...'" (Maddox laughing) This...he's got about 50 "hadoukens" there.

Maddox: Yeah. (yells) You know what, dickhead? I was fighting Sagat! Okay?? That's how you fight Sagat, 'cause all he does is spam you with fireballs and you have to hit fireball with fireball! Either that or alpha counter, but if he's across the...if he's across the room and you do an alpha counter, you're gonna shoot an uppercut in the air and it leaves you open!!

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: This guy's an idiot! He doesn't understand the mind of a pro player! Okay?

Dick: Yeah. I -

Maddox: (interjects) "Professor Maddox" is my name on Twitch! PROFESSOR Maddox. I mean, it's "realmaddox" is my Twitch account...

Dick: Right, but your...

Maddox: ...but I call myself "Professor Maddox."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: You know what the first...what the prefix of "professor" is? "PRO." I'm a PROfessor. (Dick giggles) Not an amateurfessor.

Dick: Not an amateurfessor? (laughing)

Maddox: No!

Dick: Well, I did tune into your Twitch.

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: I saw a couple Street Fighter videos and I was very impressed, but then, um, it...then it was "you lose" at the end. I was like, "Oh." I thought you were doing great.

Maddox: That was the computer playing. If it said "you lose," the computer must've been playing itself.

Dick: And recording it and then posing as you? (incredulous)

Maddox: I guess!

Dick: A computer imposter? (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: We got some artificial intelligence!!

Dick: I don't...I don't know. (Maddox laughs) I got another voicemail about the whole Street Fighter thing.

Maddox: Great. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): (goofy voice) Hey Maddox, it's (unintelligible name) again. I have one quick question for you: why are you challenging somebody at the most casual of street fighters?

Maddox: Oh. (scoffing)

Voicemail: Is it because you suck at combos? Is it because all you can do is fucking parry like a noob? Why don't you go play a real man's game? A real man's sport? You know what that fucking sport is called? It's called Marvel vs. Capcom 2! (Maddox laughs loudly) Ya fucking casual!

[message ends]

Maddox: Fuckin' idiot!

Dick: Now, what -

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, this fucking douche!

Dick: I know that game.

Maddox: This...yeah.

Dick: I know Marvel vs. Capcom 2, and I know the secret to playing that game is to mash the controller -

Maddox: Mash buttons.

Dick: - with your entire fist.

Maddox: This fuckin' douchenozzle has the audacity to call in to this show and tell me to play a non-casual street fighter! And then the first thing I thought...when I thought "casual street fighter," I'm like, "Well, there's Marvel vs. Capcom." (Dick laughs) That's the most casual of casual fighting games. Uh, next to Smash Bros., which isn't even a fighting game. Smash Bros. is an experiment in frustration and random button-mashing.

Dick: That's true! I agree with you.

Maddox: It's GARBAGE.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And everyone on my for-...on my chat...uh, Twitch stream says, "Oh, why don't you play Smash Bros.?" (stupid voice) 'Cause it's a garbage game, and you're a garbage player for liking it. (angrily) (Dick giggles) So this idiot has the balls to call in to this show and suggest I play a "non-casual" -- and I'm doin' air quotes right now, you got me so fucking mad.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I never do this. I look like NIXON now.

Dick: I can hear the air quotes in your voice.

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: Somehow when anybody ever does air quotes, you can hear it in their voice.

Maddox: Yeah! Well, I'm doing it with my voice and my fingers right now! (yelling)

Dick: Yeah. Yeah! (smiling)

Maddox: And this guy's tellin' me to play a non-casual game and to play Capcom vs. Street Fighter? Guys, that is the most casual...that's fighting game tourism. That's what that is! These PUSSIES. (stammers angrily) Why don't you just suggest I play Street Fighter EX, you dipshit?

Dick: Oh, I wish I knew what that was. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: It's garbage.

Dick: I got one for me. [plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Yeah, hi. This is, uh, President William Taft. Uh, this is how I talk. (both laugh) I'm just calling to make a few points here. #1, obesity: not a problem.

Maddox: Oh, okay. (sarcastic)

Voicemail: Uh, second...

Maddox: Thanks, Taft. (Dick guffaws) Fattest president.

Voicemail: ...her name is "Samus," you STUPID motherfucker.

Maddox: Okay. (laughs)

Voicemail: And Dick...go fuck yourself.

[message ends]

Dick: Yeah. Alright, is somebody keeping track of these presidents?

Maddox: Dick...Dick, my favorite female video game character still remains Metroid. (both laugh loudly)

Dick: Uh, one more. One more.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: We much of that George Zimmerman conversation did we get into the last podcast?

Maddox: Oh my gosh. (exasperated)

Dick: Too much, I would say.

Maddox: Too much, because it got derailed, Dick! When I mentioned that shit...

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: ...I just mentioned it as tapestry to illustrate the motivation for Dylann Roof. He himself, in his own words, said that it was the Zimmerman trial...

Dick: Right.

Maddox: ...that motivated him.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So...and then, when you were -

Dick: (interjects) Which I don't understand why, 'cause Zimmerman got off!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Yeah, so how is did that motivate him?

Maddox: I mean, he's a racist dipshit.

Dick: Well...

Maddox: He's ignorant, right?

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: He's ignorant, he's a moron. And that's why I was building the case for anti-intellectualism, is that anti-intellectualism leads to ignorance and racism.

Dick: Oh, here we go again. Buckle your seat belts! (chuckling)

Maddox: Okay? So Dick, when you here's something that really pissed me off the last episode.

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: 'Kay? 'Cause it sounded like you were defending Zimmerman.

Dick: Well, in a way I was.

Maddox: Okay. Well, I'm not saying you're racist, but your opinions align with people who are racist. People -

Dick: (interjects) Well, you know, I like diet soda too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That doesn't make...there's a lot of racists that like diet...

Maddox: No, true!

Dick: I just -

Maddox: (interjects) You are not racist, for sure.

Dick: I didn't follow the trial with a magnifying glass like everybody does, 'cause I just don't follow that shit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, it's's like our version of the gladiator games to me.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: When those big cases hit, like when the Casey Anthony case hits, when the Zimmerman case hits, I'm like, "You're not gonna know what happened until several months after the trial, and even then it's still gonna be, 'Well, there's some doubt as to what happened.'"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And the George Zimmerman case specifically, people sent versions of events that I found to be more believable than the media story that was at the time.

Maddox: Well...

Dick: I brought some of them in but I don't wanna rehash it, 'cause if...I feel like if you really wanna know what the testimony led to in the George Zimmerman trial, you can just go look it up.

Maddox: Yeah Dick, I did look it up around that time...

Dick: Alright, yeah.

Maddox: ...and here's the nuance that you dipshits were completely missing from that last episode.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Did I ever at once say that I disagreed with the verdict?

Dick: No!

Maddox: No, 'cause I don't.

Dick: No.

Maddox: I think based on the evidence that they had, they ruled correctly.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Because there wasn't enough evidence to convict George Zimmerman. However, the distinction -- and this is an important one -- is that just because it's legal, doesn't mean it's right or just or ethical.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That's the distinction that everybody fucking missed, because people automatically try to frame this debate into a political one...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...where it's liberal versus conservative, and the liberals "wanna take away our guns" and they want to frame this as racism. I don't think that there is enough evidence to prove that Zimmerman was racist. However, there is plenty of evidence to prove that Zimmerman was a hothead lookin' for a fight, because he's been arrested 5 times and SINCE then he was arrested for brandishing a shotgun in his apartment, and was a domestic dispute, and the cops showed up and he barricaded himself in his apartment with a shotgun.

Dick: Well...

Maddox: He had to take anger management classes for assaulting a cop!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This is the guy you guys are defending? You're giving this dipshit the benefit of the doubt? It brought out all the closet racists in the comments. Oh man, I had a heyday arguing with these morons.

Dick: Oho, no.

Maddox: Anyway Dick, I just got a comment from Thomas Kolman. He says, "Dick, the image in your head of an intellectual is exactly the problem. That is how most people with a negative view of intelligence see it. A person who calls themselves an intellectual generally is not, Maddox being the obvious exception." (both laugh) "The people - "

Dick: (interjects) Maddox, who can write off the entire libertarian philosophy with one backhanded remark.

Maddox: What, that -

Dick: (interjects) Very intellectual.

Maddox: (stammers) It's not even a remark, Dick. It's one word: it's a *theory.*

Dick: Oh, yeah. (smiles)

Maddox: There you go. (both laugh) "The people..." (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah, very intellectual of you. What's more about this new idea called "libertarianism"? "Nope, hate it. Stupid libertarians." (angry voice)

Maddox: Uh-huh. Uh-huh!

Dick: "Go tip your fedora somewhere else, you nerd." (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: I said it's a theory.

Dick: Very intellectual!

Maddox: It's a theory, buddy. It's an untested theory, by the way.

Dick: What's the theory??

Maddox: (chuckles) Well, I'll let you...

Dick: Libertarian-*ism*?

Maddox: I'll let you explain it someday. (Dick cackles loudly) I wanna continue this comment. He says...Thomas Kolman. He says, "The people who you and many others hate and afterwards extend their hate to actual intellectuals are simply not. I know this is borderline 'no true Scotsman' territory..."

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: "...but to ascribe such a positive attribute to yourself like that is simply narcissistic and shows that you don't deserve that label." He's talking specifically about the example you gave, where you said there was a guy with a Ferrari and all these books in his his garage.

Dick: Jackass.

Maddox: He continues...yeah! That's a pseudo-intellectual, not an anti-intellectual.

Dick: Yeah. (shrugging)

Maddox: "Anti-intellectualism may be the biggest problem in the universe because it perpetuates ignorance." That was the point. Thank you, Thomas, for picking that up.

Dick: (skeptical)

Maddox: "A short list of problems exacerbated by this are: Anti-Vaxxers, Female Genital Mutilation, Slacktivism, Militarized Police, Conspiracy Dipshits, Engineering Sexism, Armchair Psychologists, Social Justice Warriors, and Other N-words." These are all philosophies that spawn from ignorance, Dick. Right?

Dick: Well, see, that's where I kinda disagree. I think the "Engineering Sexism" philosophy is, um...part of it's based on business. It's like a business in this country to, uh, to be outraged.

Maddox: Oh, I'll give you that!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Part of it probably is, but what percentage? You can't deny that some percentage of it is ignorance.

Dick: Well, the wage gap one is certainly ignorance.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I bet if you sat more people down and said, "Look, this is the actual number. If you have a problem with that, it's..."

Maddox: William McCormick says, "I remember when the 80 mph question was 'What's heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?'"

Dick: I saw that. That was funny.

Maddox: Yeah, pretty funny.

Dick: Oh, I brought...I, remember how you said science can't answer "why" but it can answer everything else?

Maddox: Oho boy, did you bring in that professor?

Dick: No no, I didn't. I brought in some "why" questions that science can't answer.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Uh, "Why is the sky blue?"

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Maybe you could ask the Bible that?

Maddox: M'k-...okay. That's a... (cracks up) Dick -

Dick: (interjects) Why is water wet?

Maddox: That's a fucking red herring, Dick.

Dick: Why do you go bald?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a good one.

Maddox: No, it's not that good.

Dick: But here's a "what" question that science CAN answer.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "What is the meaning of life?" (Maddox chuckles) Right?

Maddox: Cannot.

Dick: Well, you said science answers "what," "when," "where," "how," but not "why."

Maddox: Science...okay. (chuckling) What is the meaning of life?

Dick: So what is the meaning of life?

Maddox: Sure, sure.

Dick: That's... (smiles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I just...I don't know.

Maddox: Great, Dick.

Dick: I get what you're saying now!

Maddox: There were so many... (Dick giggles) There were so many armchair linguists in the comments section this time.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: It was so funny. There was a guy who was arguing that he was...he had a philosophy degree and a physics degree.

Dick: Wow!

Maddox: And he was saying, "Well..."

Dick: He's a double threat!

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) Oh, double threat. Double threat of the "appeal to authority" fallacy, for sure.

Dick: Oh, god.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Don't start with me on those fallacies. I HATE those fallacies.

Maddox: Anti-intellectual! ANTI-INTELLECTUAL! Vote it up!!

Dick: No, it's wanna know why, seriously? Here's why: I think anti-intellectualism at its core means objectifying a set of ideas and a philosophy into a package that can be discounted. And that, I think is a big problem.

Maddox: No, it's not that.

Dick: Oh. (both laugh)

Maddox: It's not that at all! Here, Dick. (buzzer sound effect) No. It' is specifically...anti-intellectualism is specifically the embrace and celebration of ignorance, and sometimes it is the absence of critical thinking. That is anti-intellectualism.

Dick: Alright. I think mine sounded better.

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: Are we ready to get to some problems?

Maddox: Let's do it. You go first this time! I don't wanna be accused of filibustering you...

Dick: (laughs) Well...

Maddox: ...from your important problems!

Dick: Maddox, you took like...your problems somehow start in a, they start on the paper, and then they go around to, like, racism. They make these huge sweeping arcs like a Halley's Comet goin' around the universe.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like it's the cause of everything.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, it's my fault that the conversation got derailed last time, right?

Dick: It...

Maddox: Not the straw man argument, that Zimmerman trial, right? (Dick laughs) Okay.

Dick: Fuckin' George Zimmerman!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: From beyond the grave. My problem is "No fumar."

Maddox: "No..." (laughs)

Dick: That's my problem. "No fumar."

Maddox: "No fumar"? What an ass.

Dick: I brought -

Maddox: (interjects) This was...that was the problem, by the way, Dick, that you were gonna bring in last time that we ran out of time for.

Dick: Right, yeah.

Maddox: Okay. I... (stammers)

Dick: What??

Maddox: (laughs) We got a comment -

Dick: (interjects) Already?! (Maddox laughs harder) Now who's derailing what?

Maddox: I just wanna mention -

Dick: (interjects) Go ahead! Go ahead.

Maddox: Someone said, "In Dick's defense, his original problem was supposed to be of greater significance," from last episode. That was, uh...that was Nachiket Sfw. He commented that. That was the problem that we didn't get to!

Dick: Yeah, that was the problem I was gonna bring in.

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: 'Cause it's a big problem, I think.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: And it stems from the fact that Hawaii has raised...last week, Hawaii raised the legal smoking age from 18 to 21.

Maddox: Huh!

Dick: What, my...when I hear that, I'm horrified.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Instantly horrified.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What is your initial impression of that? Did you know that, first of all?

Maddox: I knew that only because you mentioned it to me and I don't care. Um... (both laugh) The...when -

Dick: (interjects) I sent it out of my libertarian newsletter. "Attention libertarinos..."

Maddox: Yeah. It's just called every email I get from you. (both laugh) Dick's always putting some libertarian philosophy in his signature. That's, uh...anyway, no, when I -

Dick: (interjects) Subtle like brainwashing. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'll sneak it in there.

Maddox: Yeah, I'm like, "Oh, maybe deregulation IS a solution."

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: No, when I heard that, Dick, I just thought, "Huh, okay. Don't give a shit." I'm...I -

Dick: (interjects) Don't give a shit?!

Maddox: I am well...I'm happy that we are well on the way towards illegalizing cigarettes. (Dick gasps loudly)

Dick: Why?!?

Maddox: Because it has a net effect on public health, and since we are moving towards universal health care... (Dick giggles) You shouldn't -

Dick: (interjects) Maddox, you're killin' me!!

Maddox: You shouldn't...

Dick: Buddy, you're killing me.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Are you serious? Do you really think that?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: So you really think that, um...I mean, you're protecting people from themselves, and now you've made've made it a financial decision.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause you don't wanna financially support them when they've got lung cancer and emphysema and stuff, now you' it's your pocketbook that they're affecting.

Maddox: Right. Hey, you wanna smoke? God bless, man. Go fuckin' smoke, do whatever you want. You wanna be a fatass? Eat whatever you want. Live your life how you want. The government shouldn't get involved, right? I'm all for that until it comes to my pocketbook, dickhead. If it comes to my pocketbook and I have to subsidize your shitty habit with health care fees...with higher health care rates because of lung cancers going up, because you're smoking this cancerous piece of shit cigarette. Which, by the way, Bill...uh, you know the comedian Bill Hicks?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He had a famous routine talkin' about how he's gonna smoke and smoke and smoke, and he doesn't give a fuck and he doesn't give a shit. He died from lung cancer like a year after he was makin' that bit.

Dick: Wait!'re, like, grinning like you're happy about this, like you got one over on him!

Maddox: Nahh, just, uh...

Dick: You do feel superior to him in some way, don't you?

Maddox: In every way. (laughs)

Dick: Oh man, I... (chuckles) I really hate everything you just said. (Maddox laughs harder) Like, I really do. 'Cause where does it end? Seriously, where does it end? You shouldn't be letting children drink Coke then. That's a way...that's just, I brought some numbers.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 443,000 people die of smoking every year. 598-...600,000 people die of obesity.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: So if you're talking about saving people's lives and protecting your pocketbook...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...knocking out smoking is less of a less important than knocking out, you know, soda!

Maddox: Dick, I follow your logic.

Dick: And you SUPPORT it?

Maddox: I am totally on board with this. (Dick laughs loudly) 100%, yeah! (smiles)

Dick: You are a sick bastard.

Maddox: Yeah, I get it! I understand the logical leap that you're making here, and I am totally on board. I bought my ticket, I've checked it in, I got my luggage in hand! I'm ready to hop on your yacht, buddy!

Dick: You have your bayonet and your Free-Vee in hand. You have your 1984 book (Maddox giggles) in hand, which you didn't take as a satirical take of the state. You took it as an instruction booklet.

Maddox: It's an instruction booklet! (laughs more)

Dick: Yeah, you...when you read 1984 in high school or college or whenever you read it -- whatever weird shirtless, shoeless professor made you read that for the first time -- you said, "Oh, I get it! So this is what we're supposed to do?" And he said, "Oh god, no! Absolutely not! That's a description of the most horrifying society there could ever be."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And you went, "Oh, I see. So we should do this, but worse."

Maddox: Yeah, okay. That's...because banning... (stammers) Taking away your cigarettes takes us towards 1984, right?

Dick: Well, that's -

Maddox: (interjects) That's like thought control and government...

Dick: No, it's not!

Maddox: ...override of the media. What's next?

Dick: Oh buddy, when they come after your video games, you're gonna be singin' a different tune.

Maddox: Oho. They already have, buddy! (Dick laughs) They tried to make video games the big devil after the Columbine shooting.

Dick: Okay, so this is what bugged me about the no smoking announcement, "no fumar" announcement: the quote from the, uh, the quote from...I don't know. The quote from some bitch at the Department of Health who worked on this. (Maddox spits out laughing)

Maddox: Quote, Dick Masterson: "The quote from some bitch at the health department." (Dick laughing)

Dick: Fuck her, man! They're takin' away my cigarettes. (Maddox laughs more) Uh, "Most people who begin smoking..." This is to justify the ban. "Most people who begin smoking, about 99%, start before the age of 21, so this will help our young people delay starting tobacco use," said Lola Irvin, the administrator of, uh...horseshit. So I said, "Huh. What did she say there? 'Most people start before the age of 21.'" So I looked it up on the, uh, the cancer...on 9 out of 10 adult smokers -- that's 90% of smokers -- start by the age of 18.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So it was already illegal. (chuckling)

Maddox: It was already...more than 90% had started even before age 18?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So this reasoning for the law...first of all, that's a huge disingenuous lie.

Maddox: I agree.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Do you you take offense to that?

Maddox: No!

Dick: At least?

Maddox: What, that she lied?

Dick: Yes, and that THAT'S bad.

Maddox: It's dishonest. Yeah, of course, that's dishonest. It's misleading.

Dick: Okay. It is very misleading. Okay, here's my point: so, this is a law built to protect people from themselves. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I mean, that's basically what you're saying.

Maddox: I mean, that is your libertarian twist on it, right? That's your interpretation.

Dick: Well, it's just like seat belts and motorcycle helmets. Like, everybody wraps this stupid financial...they wrap this, uh, this facade around it like, "Well, it's affecting the economy, so that's why we have to protect these people from themselves," but I really think it's *just* about protecting people from themselves. Like, I really think these governors and pretty much everyone in society who is not a smoker thinks that they have to stop these people from doing something harmful.

Maddox: I know that you really think that, Dick, and you do this a lot.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You say something with a lot of conviction, which makes it sound like you've justified it, but...I know what you think, but you're not telling me why you think that.

Dick: Oh, you want, like,, a thought process or do you want a study behind why I think that?

Maddox: Yeah, tell me...well, either one. I want to know, give me some rationale for why you think that we shouldn't legislate things that affect the economy at large and other people at large when, say for example, somebody who doesn't wear a seat belt goes through the window of their car.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: They have much more severe injuries and trauma, and that in turn causes higher health care costs, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And everybody foots the bill for that in terms of...even without universal health care. If that person is insured, which they have to be by law...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...then it causes insurance premiums to go up, and everybody collectively has to pay more because you are going through that windshield because you stubbornly refused to wear your seat belt.

Dick: I'll tell you why I think it: 'cause it's a story. It doesn't have any data or statistics behind it. They don't say exactly how much it increases health care, 'cause they have no idea. There's no studies that are presented along with that that say it costs everybody exactly .0002 cents to go along with that. It's a story that your emotional...that the emotional part of your brain buys into while the real reason gets to slide on right under the surface, which is, "Oh, fuck them. We got...I gotta protect these people from themselves." (Maddox snickers) "I'm Jesus."

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Everything leads back to "I'm Jesus." I'm just saying that's how I think people work.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: If you give them a little story that they can buy into, they're capable of doing something much worse.

Maddox: You think that just because we don't have that precise number...which I disagree, I think that if you looked into it, people have probably done this research and found that...

Dick: I did.

Maddox: ...there is a precise -- okay.

Dick: I looked into this.

Maddox: There is a precise...?

Dick: The outdoor smoking thing.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. You think that it's because people have a Jesus complex.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: That's the more rational explanation, right? For why we are legislating things that, know, banning cigarettes or forcing people to wear seat belts. It's a Jesus complex.

Dick: And forcing people to wear motorcycle helmets, yeah.

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: Absolutely.

Maddox: Well, I mean, that's...that's insane.

Dick: So the point I was gonna think that's insane?

Maddox: Yeah! (smiles)

Dick: The first novel everybody always writes is either...they're either Jesus in their novel or they're Faust. You ever heard that?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Yeah. It's, uh, I think it's an Oscar Wilde quote. It's either Oscar Wilde or Mark Twain.

Maddox: Explain that. I don't understand.

Dick: The story that everybody writes -- every writer writes their first novel -- they are the character of either Jesus, where they're going through this novel doing no wrong and then sacrificing themselves for a huge gain...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...or they're Faust, where they're making a deal with the devil.

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: Like, that's what people are.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: That's what appeals to them.

Maddox: I'm trying to think back to The Alphabet of Manliness. Which one was I, and did I introduce a Jesus narrative or a Faust narrative in my book?

Dick: It's definitely Jesus. (Maddox guffaws)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I'll help you out with that. (smiles)

Maddox: Thanks. (laughs more)

Dick: And if anybody can pull passages where Maddox is crediting himself with miracles, please post them. Anyway. So, they're protecting kids who are 18 to 21 from harming themselves. Right? Would you say that's accurate with this law?

Maddox: No, that's a spin on it. (stammers)

Dick: But that's directly what she said!

Maddox: Okay, that's fine.

Dick: She said...

Maddox: That's fine that she said that, but another interpretation is that they are protecting the rest of society from un-...from having out-of-control health care costs.

Dick: Eh, I don't...I don't think that's what they're saying in this press release shit.

Maddox: Well, she sounds like an idiot. She sounds disingenuous. She sounds like a liar. Okay, but go on with your point. You said that that's...that y-

Dick: (interjects) My point is, these kids are...they're old enough at 18 to decide whether or not they can join the military...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...and get killed, or kill other people, but they're not old enough to decide whether or not they can smoke.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Something about that doesn't ring true to me. I don't know, if I was 18 to 21, I would pretty fuckin' pissed that I'm not allowed to do any of these quote-unquote "self-harmful" things, but I am allowed to march around in the dirt on the other side of the world with an M16 or whatever they're using and, um...I don't know, spray bullets into quote-unquote "bad guys."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: I would be pretty pissed about that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But they don't, they can't fight back! 18 to 21? Who cares, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who cares that they're chippin' it away?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Who cares that they're not allowed to smoke?

Maddox: Yeah...I mean, if you are old enough to make those types of decisions, to join the army...which, by the way, you have to. There's still selective service in this country. You have to enlist. Right?

Dick: No, you don't have to enlist. You have to register for the draft.

Maddox: Right. Yeah, you have to register for the draft.

Dick: Yeah, but there isn't one.

Maddox: That's selective service.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But I mean, they could bring it back at any time.

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: It's something that still happens.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So your argument is that if you're old enough to do that, if you're old enough to fight our wars, you should be old enough to smoke. Is that your argument?

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: If you're old enough to decide whether or not your life means joining the army, you're old enough to decide whether or not you can smoke and drink.

Maddox: I agree with that. So would you be suggesting that they raise the minimum age for the selective service to 21?


Maddox: You would not be in favor of that?

Dick: No, because I think you need kids in the army 'cause they have a poor conception of mortality.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: Especially their own.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't think you can have an army of 21-plus-year-olds. I think you need immature people who aren't...who don't understand the choice they're making.

Maddox: Ohhh, wait a minute. So you need immature people who don't understand the choice they're making, but you're okay with having these immature people make decisions that'll affect their lives...their personal health for the rest of their lives?

Dick: Yeah, one way or the other. Pick.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: You can't have the army one be out of sync with the smoking one.

Maddox: Well, the legal limit for...the legal age limit for alcohol is also 21. Are you also opposed to that?

Dick: Of course!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Yeah! It didn't -

Maddox: (interjects) You think it should be lowered?

Dick: When our parents were around, it was 18!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They turned out fine.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: What happened?

Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, Dick. I've heard an argument made that they should lower the alcohol limit because when alcohol becomes a thing that you're legally allowed to do, everyone goes NUTS at the age 21.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: They overdrink, they overdo it, and there's even...I've even read articles that make a case for lowering the alcohol age limit to potentially even reduce sexual assaults on college campuses, because these happen when people get really drunk at parties.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's the's an acquaintance, it's somebody you know. It happens at parties. So if they lowered the limit and then had it chaperoned with adults that were trying to keep the kids in line, let them drink but just make sure that it doesn't get out of hand, and let them drink at a younger age so it's not such a novelty, it's not so exciting when they turn older, then it could potentially have a better positive net effect. Because I've been to Europe. I've been to Italy, where the drinking age I think is 16, and I remember going to a bar with a buncha kids around me. I'm like, "This is...what are these...?"

Dick: Yeah, it's awesome. (Maddox laughs) It's weird!

Maddox: It's weird!

Dick: Weird.

Maddox: It's really weird!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But then they have a different philosophy. They approach alcohol in a different way. They don't freak out about it. They don't give a shit. By the time they're adults, they've had alcohol for a good a quarter of their lives, and they're not gonna overdo it. They're not gonna go nuts with it. They have a glass of wine with dinner and they call it a night, unlike Americans, who go BONKERS.

Dick: Binge drinking.

Maddox: Binge drinking!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it's not, doesn't mean you're an adult over there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It means you're an adult here, which means you go fuckin' crazy with it 'cause they have this weird psychic attachment to it. Alright. Um, continuing with the smoking thing. So I found a guy, Ronald Bayer, who's a professor at Columbia University...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...who says that all the evidence they have about harm to non-smokers when you're out in know how they're banning smoking in public now?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you're walking down the street in Burbank, you can't smoke.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: You can BUY a cigar; you can't walk outside and smoke it.

Maddox: M'kay. And Burbank's a city in, uh, in California, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: Again, this is under the guise of helping the economy. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause you guys are paying for health care now. So you'd think that you'd need some evidence to back that up, right?

Maddox: Sure, sure.

Dick: He says it doesn't exist.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: This guy who's a professor. Right -

Maddox: (interjects) It doesn't exist or it hasn't been found, Dick? That's an important -

Dick: (interjects) Extremely weak. *Extremely* weak.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So I brought it in! I brought it in. Uh, a typical cigarette -- this study from Stanford -- lasts about 10 minutes. They found that if you're within 2 feet downwind of a smoker, you may be exposed to pollutant concentrations that exceed 500 milligrams of, uh...of particulate matter 2.5 and over. If you're exposed multiple times to multiple cigarettes over several hours in an outdoor you're at an outdoor pub drinking for several hours.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? Directly downwind, 2 feet away from a smoker.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Does that sound reasonable to you, first of all?

Maddox: Reasonable in what capacity? Are you saying that that number...that's a likely scenario?

Dick: Yeah. That's closer than we are right now, where the wind is blowing directly from you to me.

Maddox: Dick, when I'm ta-...when I'm standing around smokers, it's closer than that. It's even closer than we are right now! It's usually when I'm standing around in a circle at a bar because I'm talkin' to someone and they need to step outside to smoke because they have this addiction.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That's why.

Dick: Even then, you get 35 micrograms or more of particulate smoking matter, or whatever. Bad stuff.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: 35...clean air has less than 20 micrograms.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: So it's only 15 more!

Maddox: 15 more, yeah.

Dick: That's not that much! (Maddox snickers)

Maddox: Dick, it's almost -

Dick: (interjects) Even for the crazy scenario they're describing where you're 2 feet away and someone's blowing smoke right into your mouth.

Maddox: It's almost 50% more, Dick! That's quite a bit.

Dick: That doesn't seem like a lot to me.

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: Clean air??

Maddox: Less than 20. Clean air has less than 20?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So it'd be...I mean, less than 20. What is that, 18? Is it 15? Is it 10?

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: Because if it's 15...

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: ...and it's 30, that's double!

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: That's 100% more!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's a lot!!

Dick: Alright. Well, that doesn't seem like a lot to me, and this professor agreed with me.

Maddox: (yells) Well, apparently the cancer rates -

Dick: (interjects) Hey, that's what the guy said!

Maddox: Okay, I get it, but apparently the cancer rates disagree with you. The people who smoke get proportionally more cancer. Uh, lung cancer.

Dick: No one's saying cigarettes aren't bad.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're just saying, do they really have to be banned outside?

Maddox: Dick, that's...

Dick: At the beach?

Maddox: That -

Dick: (interjects) Is there any real evidence for it or are we just protecting everybody from themselves?

Maddox: Okay, that guy's talkin' about secondhand smoke. We're talking specifically about smoking as a habit in general, because you can't argue that it's not unhealthy.

Dick: No. Who would?

Maddox: You can't argue that it doesn't increase cancer rates, and then you can argue that that has a net effect on the economy because those people are more of a drain. They have to have chemo, they have to sit there in the hospital, they get tracheotomies; they get all sorts of nasty shit that happens to them.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then we have to pay for it. Fuck you. (Dick laughs) And the natural extension of this, Dick? Your, uh, your little alarmism at the top of this problem? "Well, are you talkin' about...well, what about obesity and fat people?"

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: YES! Tax them! Here's the thing: you wanna be fat, be fat, but you have to pay a transportation tax, buddy. You fly on a flight, you weigh twice as much as another passenger? Guess what? You should pay 20% more. You get a fat tax.

Dick: Eh...

Maddox: You should pay more at the pumps too, because when you're driving your car around and you're carrying around an extra 100 or 200 pounds of fat with you? Well, that's a drag on your car, isn't it, dickhead?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That means you have have less fuel efficiency. That means you're using more at the pump, you're using more at the grocery store. You should pay for it. And I'm okay with that! Live your life how you want, but don't make me subsidize your shitty lifestyle.

Dick: Alright! That's my problem. (Maddox laughs) "No fumar."

Maddox: "No fumar"? Dick, doesn't that mean... (fart sound effect) (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, it means "no farting."

Maddox: "No farting." (giggling) Dick, I got a real...I got a real problem.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Let's get to a real problem this week, huh?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe is selfie sticks!!

Dick: Ohh, boy.

Maddox: Yeheheah! Yeah. Here. (clapping sound effect) There we go. Smart. ('ding!' sound effect) (laughs more) Selfie sticks.

Dick: Something less, uh...less obtrusive than bicycles.

Maddox: Dick... (sighing) Why are you such an asshole? (Dick laughs) Already!

Dick: Go ahead! Go ahead.

Maddox: I know this is gonna...I'm just...I'm bracing for a defense of selfie sticks. 'Kay? First of all, they're not new. Did you know that selfie sticks...the first instance of a selfie stick was made in 1983? Yeah, Minolta! Minolta Corporation had a camera called a Disc-7 with a built-in selfie stick.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: The telescopic extender for cameras was patented in 1983, and then there was a book that came out in 1995 called "101 Unuseless Japanese Inventions." Have you ever seen this book, Dick?

Dick: No.

Maddox: It's hilarious. I remember going to bookstores and reading this book over and over again. They had all these crazy Japanese inventions that they market in Japan that are totally "unuseless," as they call it. You know, they play on Japenglish.

Dick: What does that mean?

Maddox: They're use-...they're useless.

Dick: They're useless but they do something?

Maddox: Uh, kinda. Like for example, here's one of the classic inventions from this book.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: It's a hat that you wear that is also an umbrella.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: It''s stupid.

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: It's a silly little...another one is they have grapefruit goggles, I think was something they marketed in this. Some, like, weird pair of glasses you put on that have these pinholes that protect your eyes in case a grapefruit squirts you in the eyes or something.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Just silly, stupid inventions.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know?

Dick: Gags.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm not sure they're even gags. They're just novelty. Well, one of 'em in this book was a selfie stick, in 1995. It was included in this book of stupid shit. Then TIME Magazine in 2014 listed the selfie stick as one of the 25 best inventions of 2014. (Dick laughs)

Dick: I don't understand what they do. Like, I've been using my arm since before there was LCDs on screens.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That was my thing. I was really good at taking selfies. Remember when you couldn't see what you were taking pictures of?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: You just hold it out and, like, kinda angle it?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was pretty good at that, and then they got the screens to come along.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: What does a selfie stick do?

Maddox: A selfie stick is just an extender. You know what, Dick? Here's what a selfie stick is: it's a megaphone for narcissism.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: It's a sidekick to self-absorption. That's what a selfie stick is.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's's like your briefcase full of tools for narcissism. You might as well carry around makeup, a lighting kit; you might as well carry around some reflectors.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: A crew following you around to document your life because it's so fucking important to get a really good shot of you.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: You need that selfie stick extender so you can get more of you in the picture, don't you, dipshit? You could...and you know what it is, Dick? Selfie sticks wall us off from communication with other people.

Dick: 'Cause you don't have to ask somebody else to take a picture?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You don't have to be social! It protects your delicate sensibilities from having to go up to somebody and say, "Hey man, you mind takin' a photo of me?"

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, I agree with you there.

Maddox: You might MEET somebody, dickheads. You might talk to another fucking human being, and who knows, maybe meet your partner in life. Maybe network with somebody, get to know a stranger, find out what they're doing! (irritated)

Dick: Oh, I got a good Dick tip for ya.

Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)

Dick: I was...I met...I started talking to these girls a couple weeks ago walking down Hollywood. It was nighttime, so I was out drinking with my life coach.

Maddox: H'okay, of course.

Dick: And she wanted me to take a picture of her and her friend. They were all dressed up to go to the club.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Whatever. They hadn't yet taken off their heels and started crying yet 'cause some guy wasn't paying attention to 'em.

Maddox: Great. (amused)

Dick: So I'm like, "Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, sure. Lemme get the phone." So I took a picture of 'em, and it was dark. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it's the f-...the flash doesn't work very well.

Maddox: And it's nighttime.

Dick: It's nighttime.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I give it back to her. I'm like, "Eh, lemme...gimme that back. Lemme see that again." So I take the phone; I took out MY phone -- here comes the tip -- and I turned the flashlight on on my phone...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...and held it out to light them up when I took the picture. That's a pretty good move!

Maddox: Yeah. (shrugging)

Dick: Next picture turned out great!

Maddox: Yeah. I see other people doing that. Specifically, the first time I saw that was a group of Asians doing it.

Dick: Oh. (chuckling)

Maddox: In a restaurant.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it was this...I remember I was at this Italian restaurant, and they were...that's the first time I ever saw a selfie stick. There were these, uh, these...I think they were Korean. There were these Korean girls sitting at a table that were allll...there was like 20 of 'em and they were all Korean. I'm like, "This is...some congregation going on here. I dunno."

Dick: What, a flock of Korean girls? Is that what you're...? (smiles)

Maddox: A flock of Korean...I don't know. (laughing) But they were all sittin' there -

Dick: (interjects) If you get too many Korean girls in the same place, a Korean spa forms out of it. (Maddox giggles) Did you know that? That's true.

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I shoulda stuck around.

Dick: Like, it forms out of the earth.

Maddox: Well, they were too busy with their selfie sticks and doing their flash tricks to do that. Dick, The New York Times, you know what they...? This is really clever. They call...they dubbed it the "Narcissistick." (Dick laughs) I love that. It's also been called "the wand of narcissists."

Dick: Yeah. (grinning)

Maddox: 'Kay? This is from The New York Times. It says, "There are now vast, automated networks to harvest all that narcissism, along with lots of personal data, creating extensive troves of user-generated content. The tendency to listen to the holy music of the self is reflected in the abundance of messaging and self-publishing services -- Vine, WhatsApp, Snapchat, Instagram, Apple's new voice messaging and the rest," and they go on. They say, "'The majority of time that people are spending online is on Facebook,' said Anthony De Rosa, editor in chief of Circa, a mobile news start-up. 'You have to find a way to break through or tap into all that narcissism.'" (Dick giggles) "'We are way too into ourselves.'" And they said that "Facebook may be dominant, but Snapchat is growing much faster, over 55% in the last six months, whose younger-skewing audience tells you where things might be headed. Selfies are the dominant métier of Snapchat, an art form so addictive that New York State passed a law, to take effect in February, that outlaws self-portraits with tigers and lions."

Dick: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What??

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: What's illegal about self-portraits with tigers and lions?

Maddox: They've passed a law that you can't take a self-portrait -

Dick: Who?

Maddox: - with tigers and lions. In New York! It says here...

Dick: Why?

Maddox: Because -

Dick: (interjects) Because it's annoying?

Maddox: No, it's not only annoying; it's dangerous. Oh, I'm sorry, Dick. Are we protecting us from ourselves?

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: Yeah. (irritated)

Dick: You're not allowed to take a PICTURE?!

Maddox: A selfie.

Dick: With a lion??

Maddox: Well, because it -

Dick: (interjects) (yells) You don't see a problem with outlawing a picture, which is art by definition? That can't be right, what you just said.

Maddox: That's what it says in The New York Times! (Dick scoffs and laughs)

Dick: Well...

Maddox: "New York State passed a law, to take effect in February, that outlaws self-portraits..." Dick, you were on, excuse me, Tinder for a while. Right?

Dick: Yeah, of course!

Maddox: On Tinder, one of the top profile pictures I saw on there was someone taking a selfie with a tiger or a li-...well, it was mostly just tigers.

Dick: Yeah, it's a tiger and then it's...the second one is a shot of Machu Picchu.

Maddox: Yeah, that...those are the two big photos.

Dick: It's true, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The two big photos. Or the picture of where they went to an African village and it's just, like, a bunch of black kids.

Dick: And then the next picture is a closeup of her face, 'cause she's an enormous blimp. (Maddox laughs) That's the third most popular picture on Tinder. You only have one of those three.

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) And... (sound clip of man saying "Well, that's unfortunate.") (laughs more)

Dick: It is unfortunate.

Maddox: It is unfortunate. Um...

Dick: Such a lie.

Maddox: Yeah, it's...

Dick: Such a lie!!

Maddox: It is misleading.

Dick: Liar! Just be fat! Don't be fat and a liar.

Maddox: Dick, do you want a bunch of dipshits...again, they're taking pictures with tigers. So this...I remember reading a while back where a guy was trying to take a picture with a tiger, fell into the pit and got mauled by the tiger. Right?

Dick: Yeah, great.

Maddox: So that's what they're...that's what they're trying to prevent. (Dick laughs)

Dick: At the zoo?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: He fe-... (cracks up) He fell into the tiger enclosure?

Maddox: Yeah, man.

Dick: Huh. (amused)

Maddox: 'Cause they're trying to take selfies with tigers, or they'll...also what this does, Dick, is it creates a black market for tigers. (Dick laughs loudly) If you go to Mexico...

Dick: Shut up! (giggles more)

Maddox: No, it does!!

Dick: Shut the fuck up! (cackling)

Maddox: This selfie fuckin' narcissism has created a black market for tigers! (yelling) (Dick still laughing)

Dick: Oh, stop it.

Maddox: It has!

Dick: What, they're...a guy will drive over to your house with a van of a doped-up tiger? (Maddox laughs) Like, a bunch of lights? It'll open up like baseball stadium lighting -

Maddox: Yeah! Dick...

Dick: - and then you'll pose for your Tinder picture?

Maddox: Dick, you joke... (Dick laughs more) You joke, but they do dope up these tigers!

Dick: Ohh. (grinning)

Maddox: Have you ever been to Ensenada? Ensenada, Mexico.

Dick: I don't think so, no.

Maddox: They have these little tents where they have baby tigers in them, and then these tigers, go in this tent, you pay 'em like 20 pesos or whatever, and you pose with these tigers! And the tigers are really docile and really cute and really fun...

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: ...and you pet 'em, and blah blah blah.

Dick: They're on Xanax.

Maddox: 'Cause they're doped!

Dick: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: They're doped up! They dope up these tigers, and then you go to Mexico to take your fuckin' narcissistic selfie with this tiger so you can put it on your Tinder profile so you can get laid, you fucking loser. (Dick laughing) This is what it's creating!! It's creating a black market for this shit!

Dick: And that's why it's a big problem?

Maddox: That's not why.

Dick: 'Cause tigers are getting high?

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Uh-oh. All these tigers gotta go to college! (Maddox laughs more) They can't be wasting their day getting high with a bunch of dumb tourist broads with cornrows in their hair.

Maddox: Look man, it's a gateway drug. Next thing you know tigers are takin' heroin, they're shootin' up everywhere...

Dick: And who makes heroin? ISIS. (Maddox giggles) We don't want a bunch of terrorist tigers. They're not grrrreat. (Maddox laughs harder)

Maddox: Dick, these tigers get desperate! They're suckin' dick for blow! (Dick laughs) These tigers, man, all over the street!

Dick: I gotta tell you, I have not...I hate selfie sticks too, obviously.

Maddox: I thought you were gonna say you hate blowjobs from tigers. (laughs)

Dick: I probably do. Uh...

Maddox: They're not grrrreat.

Dick: But I don't encounter selfie...I haven't encountered one, walkin' around.

Maddox: Oho, well, open your eyes!

Dick: And I think it's because I don't go to tourist spots.

Maddox: (yells) Dick, you LIVE in a tourist spot!

Dick: I know, but, uh... (exhales) Nobody's like -

Maddox: (interjects) You live in Hollywood! It is, like, one of the biggest tourist destinations in the world!

Dick: That's why I'm so surprised! I don't see them walking around! Nobody wants to take a self-portrait of themselves in the men's room at the Frolic Room. You know what I mean?

Maddox: Heh, well, no one wants to go to the Frolic Room. (Dick laughs) Dick -

Dick: (interjects) That's why I go there! It's great!

Maddox:'s awful, man. That ruined a date, by the way, one time.

Dick: The Frolic Room? Did I tell you to go there?

Maddox: There's this bar, guys. (Dick giggles) It's called the Frolic Room in Hollywood, and it's like...

Dick: Great spot.

Maddox: Everything... (stammers) On paper it's everything you want in a dive bar, but in reality it's...a dive bar, and not in a great way either. Not in a great way. It's just, like, the people skews older. The people who drink there are 60-plus. So I took...based on your advice one time, Dick.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: I was in Hollywood desperately lookin' for a bar 'cause I was on this hot date, right?

Dick: I got your back.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah! (smiles) (Dick laughs) I remembered Dick in my mind one time saying, "Yeah, Frolic Room's a great place!"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Go check out Fro-..." So I said, "Okay, I buddy said this place is cool."

Dick: Ooo. (cringing)

Maddox: I walk in; it was like a cemetery. I walked in, I'm like...I turned to my date and I said, "I'm so sorry." (Dick cackles) "Let's get outta here," and I scrambled to find someplace else.

Dick: You get free popcorn there, though.

Maddox: Oh, gre-... (cracks up) "Hey baby, you wanna go to this bar? I know this great bar - "

Dick: (interjects) "All the popcorn you can eat, bitch."

Maddox: Yeah! (both laugh) Shove my hand full of popcorn in her mouth. "There you go! Cheap date!"

Dick: "You know how much this fuckin' popcorn would cost in a movie theater?"

Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)

Dick: "20 grand." (Maddox laughs) Uh, so I don't encounter them that often. That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Well, open your fucking eyes and stop drinking maybe!

Dick: Eh.

Maddox: You won't be in such a dazed stupor, stumbling around Hollywood. How do you not see...?! I see 'em everywhere, man!

Dick: I don't know!! I'm genuinely surpri-...I'm as surprised as you are.

Maddox: You have never seen people use a selfie stick?

Dick: No!

Maddox: There's a fucking -

Dick: (interjects) In real life, no. Like, I've seen it on the computer.

Maddox: There's a commercial on air on TV right now that has people using selfie sticks in it.

Dick: I've seen them on the computer and on TV, I've never seen one in real life! Like, I've never even SEEN one.

Maddox: Dick...and you know, I wrote that article a long time ago, "Don't be a padhole." It's about people who bring their tablets to events and they hold their giant fucking tablets up taking selfies with them at the Mona Lisa, where I was standing behind this dipshit, this oblivious fucktard, who's sitting there taking selfies of himself with...or his wife with his giant fucking tablet! You need more screen real estate for your low-resolution, shitty, low-quality censor on your iPad 2. (yelling)

Dick: You know what's the worst part about that too, is usually they're not even taking selfies. They're taking a picture of a thing that you can Google and get 20 million images of that are all better than yours.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, what are you doing? What is this digital piss you're taking on this spot to prove you've been here?

Maddox: Well, you know -

Dick: (interjects) That is...that annoys me.

Maddox: You know, Dick? I came to that realization one time when I was actually in the Musée d'Orsay in France.

Dick: Oh, okay. Fancyyyy. (under his breath) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Shut up. (grinning) I was in this -

Dick: (interjects) Is that some kind of a cock museum, or...?

Maddox: Nooo.

Dick: What's there?

Maddox: NO. Sean was...Sean would be visiting that for sure. (Dick giggles to himself) This was a museum in France. It's by the Louvre. If you... (cracks up) If you go to France and you're gonna go see a museum, go to the Musée d'Orsay. It's way better than the Louvre. The Louvre is garbage. Uh...there, THERE, I said it!! It's garbage! (shouting)

Dick: Oh, you're wrong.

Maddox: Sue me, art world!

Dick: Louvre is...'Louv-ruh' is not garbage. (both laugh)

Maddox: NOW who's fancy, Mr. Fancypants? Uh, yeah, so at the Louvre you make a beeline to the Mona Lisa, you see the crowds, you leave. Alright. That's what you do.

Dick: There we go. Mr. Sophisticated. (smiles)

Maddox: Oookay. (annoyed)

Dick: That's the tour of the Louvre. Go...beeline to the Mona Lisa.

Maddox: Yeah, and I checked the, uh -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, it's only famous 'cause it was stolen.

Maddox: I checked the Venus...Venus de Milo? ('my-lo') Milo? ('mee-lo') Milo?

Dick: 'My-lo.'

Maddox: Whatever. I checked that statue. Okay, cool. I get it. It's cool as shit! (sounds irritated)

Dick: Did you see The Last Supper?

Maddox: Yeah, I've seen The Last Supper there.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: There's a...actually, there are some really cool paintings in the Louvre. I take that back. Anyway, go to Musée d'Orsay. Right? I go up there...I think square foot for square foot, you see more impressive art at the Musée d'Orsay.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That's why I mention it. Okay?

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: I was upstairs and I saw the...uh, it's the...was it Picasso who had, it was Van Gogh!

Dick: There's a lot of Van Gogh there.

Maddox: No no, Van Gogh. It was Van Gogh.

Dick: Self-portrait?

Maddox: The Van Gogh self-portrait, where he had his ear bandaged and he had the red beard or whatever, right?

Dick: Yeah, and he's flipping off the...the viewer.

Maddox: That's, that's...

Dick: Is that the one you're talking about?

Maddox: You're thinking of me. (Dick laughs) You're thinking of my -

Dick: (interjects) Ohh! (sarcastic)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, that's not Van Gogh.

Maddox: Yeah, that', that's me.

Dick: Alright. That's a different artist.

Maddox: Yeah. It's...I get confused for Van Gogh all the time. (grins) (Dick laughs) Is that a Jesus complex? Anyway. So I was taking a picture of this Van Gogh...and by the way, they said "no photography, no photography." Right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Whatever. I'm takin' a picture.

Dick: No *flash* photography.

Maddox: Uh, they were...they were actually -

Dick: (interjects) No photography?!?

Maddox: I think, yeah. I think there were...there was either no photography or no flash, it was "no photography."

Dick: Maybe it said "no smoking" in French.

Maddox: No. (chuckling) No, it said "no farting" in French. (both laugh) Yeah it was "no fumar." Ahh, whatever. I don't know, man. Uh, it said...oh, it's "le fumar." That's what it...that's what it'd be. So anyway, I'm taking a picture of the Van Gogh portrait, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'm like, "Fuck your rules."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: "Here's what I think. I'm gonna take a picture!"

Dick: "Take that, Van Gogh."

Maddox: So I take a picture, and then I was sittin' there looking at the picture, looking at the frame. Before I even pressed the shutter button I thought, "Why am I doing this?"

Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: "Why am I taking a picture of this thing? I know it's famous. I've seen it in history books and art books. It's a famous painting, but I can't justify ever having a use for this photo."

Dick: No.

Maddox: "Because - "

Dick: (interjects) No one even wants to see it!

Maddox: "Because..." Yeah! I thought, "Well, could I show it to friends? That's the argument you could make." (Dick guffaws) "I mean, look, I went to this place and I saw this thing."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "I'm gonna show it to friends." Well, first of all, there's no evidence that *I* took that picture, because I'm not in it!

Dick: Well, that's the least of your problems.

Maddox: Yeah. But then if I took a picture like that and I showed it to my friends and family and they said, "Well, you're not in it. How do we know it's yours?", then I got dickhead friends and family. They don't believe me. They don't believe that I even went to Paris? Okay, then I need new friends! Essentially, the bottom line is this: if you take a photo of something famous and you're afraid that your friends aren't gonna believe that you actually saw it, you need new friends.

Dick: Okay. (giggling)

Maddox: And then if you have to have that photo to prove that you were there, which you never do...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...then you're...again, you're surrounded by assholes, and it's a picture of something that you could get on the Internet.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You don't need...and it's way better.

Dick: YOU don't even wanna see it.

Maddox: No, man!

Dick: No, my dad told me that before I went to Europe for the first time. "Don't take pictures of things that you're not in, that people aren't in."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He said, "Never take a picture of something that a person isn't in." I didn't get it at the time. I did it, but since then I've been passin' that advice forward.

Maddox: I did take...well, here', I'm kind of a hypocrite here, but I do use photos I've taken in museums for articles that I write on my website.

Dick: M'kay.

Maddox: So there is that. I did actually... (chuckles) You know what's ironic, is I did actually use that picture of Van Gogh on my website.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But to illustrate the point that I was just making.

Dick: And didn't you take a picture of all the padholes taking a picture of the Mona Lisa?

Maddox: Oh, yeah! Yeah.

Dick: So you were doing it.

Maddox: I was taking a picture of a padhole!

Dick: But weren't you also holding up the pic-...the camera?

Maddox: No no, I wasn't...

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: I didn't have to hold it up. You don't have to get in a good arrangement to see these padholes. They're already...they're taking up most of the landscape for you.

Dick: You can't escape it. Here's my thinking on selfie sticks: I get it. I get why people want a good picture of themselves, 'cause they're fat as fuck and they wanna space the camera away from them so they don't get that, like, know, Pizza the Hutt chin?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I'm talkin' about?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When you're takin' a selfie you hold your head back like I'm doing right now, and you look like you got about 6 chins.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: So they get a selfie stick, they hold it out, they maybe look more natural, but it is just kind of fucking everyone else's convenience for a moment.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: It's not...

Maddox: Sure, for your narcissism. So the reason I mentioned the padholes, Dick...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: because now they have selfie sticks for pad...for tablets.

Dick: Oh, god.

Maddox: So people are -

Dick: (interjects) That sounds like a lot of broken tablets. (smiles)

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) Well, people are carrying around these giant fucking tablets, and then they're holding...they're extending them out so that they take up more of the landscape, more of your view space. You can't even...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, did you see that Obama press conference where he got heckled recently?

Dick: No! Huh.

Maddox: There was an Obama press conference, and Obama's usually pretty cool at these...when he gets heckled, he handles it with aplomb. But what happened at this one, uh...the guy wouldn't pipe down and eventually Obama had to get him kicked out, right?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: But you couldn't even see fucking Obama because so many people had their cell phones held up! Guys, there's a news crew behind you trying to get a shot of the fucking president talking, and you can watch it on the news! Your little grainy, shitty, cell phone footage isn't gonna do anything.

Dick: You'll watch the first steps of your kid maybe 10 times if you get it on video. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe...maybe in your life.

Maddox: Maybe.

Dick: Maybe once a year.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe the year they go to college you'll load that file up out of some forgotten dropbox and take a look at it. You will never look at the video you took of Obama coming to LA.

Maddox: Yeah. I agree, man! So it's starting to get banned, Dick. The Australian festival Soundwave banned selfie sticks in 2015, as has the National Gallery of Australia, the National Portrait Gallery...

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: ...the Smithsonian Institute, National Gallery in London, the Palace of Versailles in France, and the Coliseum in Rome have all banned selfie sticks.

Dick: Oh, really?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Huh!

Maddox: You know why the Coliseum? Because people were using their selfie sticks to carve their initials into things.

Dick: What??

Maddox: It's essentially just a pole. You're just carrying a pole around with you.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sporting stadiums are also starting to ban the stick, along with theme parks like Disneyworld...

Dick: Disneyland.

Maddox: ...and Disneyland. Thank God. These guys, you don't need tools to be more narcissistic.'re so fucking full of yourself! When I pull up someone's Facebook profile and there's somethin' like 2 or 3 thousand images of them? (Dick chuckles) I wanna unfriend that person! Fuck off!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You're not that important!! There are more important people who haven't been documented. Fuckin'...there's like zero pictures of Alexander the Great!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: ZERO!

Dick: And you know what? Unless it's a magic wand, you're still gonna be ugly.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: With the selfie stick.

Maddox: Oh, but they cheat.

Dick: You can get that camera 100 yards away. It's still you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just use your hand.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what you look like. Sorry!

Maddox: Or maybe cut down on the selfies, man. We get it, your life is...magical. (Dick laughs) It's fantastic. It's amazing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Use Snapchat so it disappears after 24 hours. Or 10 seconds. Whatever. By the way, Dick, I have some friends now...and they do skew younger. I don't know why they do this, but they have exclusively moved to Snapchat for their form of media propagation.

Dick: Well, do you use it? Snapchat?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'll tell you why it is.

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause I get fuckin' pictures of horses all the time.

Dick: Ah, yeah. (amused)

Maddox: That's what I get on Snapchat.

Dick: It's a lot easier to share pictures of what you're doing with people on Snapchat. It's like -

Maddox: (interjects) No...why?

Dick: No, it is, because if you send them via text, they sit on your phone forever and clog up your phone and derail the conversation you were having. (Maddox guffaws)

Maddox: YOUR phone, iPhone user.

Dick: Well, most people are iPhone. I mean, most -

Maddox: (interjects) No, that's not true. (Dick scoffs) Most people are Android.

Dick: Jesus Christ. (Maddox snickers)

Maddox: Go on!

Dick: Please cram a selfie stick up your ass, you contrarian fuck! (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: I'm not bein' a contrarian!! You're just fucking full of shit, Dick!

Dick: Most people's phones work like that, where the photo sits on their phone and it's kind of annoying to have on the stream of texts, but on Snapchat it's not. It's a lot easier.

Maddox: Oh, okay. (skeptical)

Dick: That's all. It's easier to have share pictures on Snapchat. That's...I've started using it. It is. Give it a shot.

Maddox: Share pictures for 10 seconds at a time.

Dick: Well, how long do you wanna look at it?

Maddox: I don't know, man! If it's a picture of my friend and it's a good picture, I wanna keep it!

Dick: What if it's, like, a picture of a snake? Like "Hey, check this snake out. *bloop* There you go, Maddox."

Maddox: Then I wanna see it! Yeah, I get, like, funny jokes and stuff on Snapchat every now and then, and I can't say...I have to take a screenshot. Then I look like a creep, 'cause it notifies the other person I took a screenshot.

Dick: What do you get...what's a joke that you get on Snapchat?

Maddox: I have some friends who are pretty funny on Snapchat, and they'll send me something...they'll send me something pretty funny.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. I wanna save that sometimes! Snapchat is just so ephemeral. You know what? Fuck it. I'm okay with that though, Dick. I'm making an argument FOR Snapchat. Great! Because it disappears. We don't need it clogging up server space on Facebook or wherever.

Dick: Yeah. Um, so what's gonna happen with these selfie sticks? People just gotta start taking 'em. Right?

Maddox: Just...they should take -

Dick: (interjects) Throw it in the street. (chuckling)

Maddox: Just start takin' 'em and beating them over the head with it. "Here you go, you fucking narcissistic fuck. Here you go! Shove it up your ass."

Dick: That's not gonna happen. What's the next step? Like, how big can it get?

Maddox: Ban them!

Dick: No, drones!! That's what's gonna happen.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: People are gonna have drones -

Maddox: (interjects) Personal drones.

Dick: This is the future.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's gonna be 6 drones following everybody around at all times, storing video in their DNA.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)

Dick: So you can record everything you're ever doing all the time.

Maddox: Yeah! It'll beam it right to your Google Glass so you can control your drone -

Dick: (interjects) Right to your eyeball.

Maddox: Yeah, right to your eyeball, so you can control the drone with your...with your narcissism. You know what though, Dick? That's only temporary, until we all transport ourselves into virtual reality (Dick scoffs) and we don't have to worry about this anymore where you can be anyone you want. (smiling) Everyone's gonna be super hot! It's gonna be GREAT. Yeah, anyway Dick, that's my problem, Selfie Sticks this week. (closing riff starts) Bigger problem than "no farting." (Dick laughs loudly) Or what was yours?

Dick: "No Fumar."

Maddox: "No Fu-..." Yeah, same thing. Guys, go to the website.

Dick: See you next Tuesday.

(theme riff)


Voicemail (male caller): Hey, this is Pete in Maine. I'm just listening to Episode 56, and Maddox is pitching a fit about pepperoni. ..

Maddox: Great. (flatly)

Voicemail: ...when not 5 minutes ago he said he would take salami on his pizza.

Maddox: Yeah.

Voicemail: If you look up "pepperoni," it actually is literally just spicy salami.

Maddox: It's not.

Dick: It's not?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: It's different.

Voicemail: So I guess that would make Maddox someone who can't eat spicy food.

[message ends]

Maddox: Ohokay. (dumb voice)

Dick: So that guy doesn't know what salami is?

Maddox: Chump. There's a difference in the curing process between salami and pepperoni.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Pepperoni is much lower-quality meat than salami. the way guys, salami is a broad range of meats, of curing processes and meats, and what he's specifically talking about is soppressata. Soppressata salami is spicy salami, fuckhead! You want spicy things on your pizza, then add fucking pepper or soppressata salami. That's what it is. Pepperoni is just pig lips and assholes! (Dick guffaws) It's ground up. And by the way, you like pepperoni so much? Why don't you take a couple slices, throw it on a pan and fry it? See how much fucking oil there is. It's garbage! It's shit meat!! It's low quality, just like that voicemail was.

Dick: Alright, well, I wanted to know. (Maddox snickers)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Speaking of broad. [plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (female caller): Hi, I like the calafunga.

Maddox: The what?!

Dick: Calabunga?

Voicemail: I call myself "Super Blackout Melissa" (Dick laughs quietly) and I'd just like to say this: you two are actually some of the nicest guys I've ever heard...

Maddox: That's...libel. (Dick giggles) Slander.

Voicemail: ...and women, or just everyone, needs to get their head out of their asses. Like, you're actually not bad people at all, and I love you guys and I hope to keep hearing more of you. Goodbye.

[message ends]

Maddox: 'Kay, I'm gonna sue her. (Dick laughs) You're gonna be hearing from my lawyer. That's slander.

Dick: Ah, take that. (amused) [plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): More...Asterios...Kokkinos.

Maddox: Hey!

Voicemail: More...screaming. (Maddox laughs) Not less.

[message ends]

Maddox: I agree! I like the screaming.

Dick: I got some leftover bits from him that I brought in. You wanna hear 'em?

Maddox: Oh my gosh, Dick!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: What are we doin'?! We gotta play those!

Dick: We'll end on those. [plays "Internet Hell" intro + first bit]

(spooky orchestra music)

Asterios: I'm Boisterous Coconuts...AND I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!!! (reverb effect) (Maddox laughs) Bringing you the biggest problems on the World Wide Web, it's This Week in Internet Hell! (laughs maniacally with reverb) (thunder sound effect)

(techno beat in background)

Asterios: (goofy voice) Have you seen this hot list of 29 mind-blowing stocks to lose all your money on? Well, they're all the same company, because BuzzFeed is planning an IPO. At last Wednesday's Code Conference, CEO Jonah Peretti announced plans for a BuzzFeed public offering made up of aggregated bits from other, more successful public offerings.

Maddox: HA!

Asterios: Is Wall Street dumb enough to invest in a company that only makes .gifs of '90s TV shows? You'd better believe it! Don't have a cow, man! Did I do that?? (Maddox laughs) Got any cheese?? Oh, excuse me stockbroker, one BuzzFeed please!

[bit ends]

Maddox: That appeals to me as a 20-something. Well, 30-something, yeah.

Dick: Can I tell you something about BuzzFeed?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I, uh...I read their coverage of the Trayvon Martin case. (giggling) (Maddox laughs loudly) It seemed to agree with every email I got about it.

Maddox: Yeah, these -

Dick: (interjects) So that's where I got my news on Trayvon Martin. BuzzFeed. (laughs more)

Maddox: These morons, these unnuanced fucks who thought that I was somehow making the case that the verdict was wrong rather than an ethical look at the case. Yeah.

Dick: Uh-oh. What was the ethical look?

Maddox: Well, that it was wrong. (chuckling)

Dick: He's a hothead?

Maddox: He's a hothead, I don't think it's a stretch of the imagination to think this guy was lookin' for a fight.

Dick: Well... [plays next "Internet Hell" bit]

(techno beat in background)

Asterios: (goofy voice) A double dose of cyber crime this week, as the IRS and Adult Friend Finder were both hit by massive thefts of personal data! So now Russian hackers have your Social Security number AND your dick size. (Maddox and Dick laugh) The IRS claims hackers made off with over 100,000 tax transcripts, but cyber demons don't pay taxes so I don't give a shit!!! (Maddox laughs) Far more importantly, 3.9 million Adult Friend Finder accounts were hacked, leaking details of users' specific sexual preferences.

Maddox: Oooooh.

Dick: Oohoohoo. (uneasily)

Asterios: Now everyone's gonna know that I can only achieve an orgasm while watching a Japanese girl hitting a man in the dick with a pillow while screaming about Santa Claus!

Dick: Hmm. (Maddox laughs)

Asterios: Wait, what's that? My information wasn't leaked?? Uhh...please ignore my previous comment re: my favorite film, "Japanese Dong Destroyers Meet Old Saint Prick." (Dick and Maddox giggle)

[bit ends]

Dick: Old Saint Prick! (squeaking)

Maddox: Old Saint Prick. (laughs loudly)

Dick: That's a tough joke to make!

Maddox: Hey, "Old Saint Prick Cumming Down the Chimney." (both laugh more)

Dick: "White Christmas," starring Old Saint Prick.

Maddox: Yeah. Ahh, he needs to get that chimney bleached. (more giggling) Follow that analogy, idiots. Assholes. (muttering and laughing) [ Dick plays next "Internet Hell" bit]

(techno beat in background)

Asterios: (goofy voice) It's the battle of the bullshit fitness trackers! Jawbone is suing Fitbit, claiming that they came up with the idea of tricking fat people first. (Maddox chuckles) In a lawsuit filed last Wednesday, Jawbone alleges that Fitbit engaged in a secret effort to steal Jawbone's trade secrets through smuggled USB drives. Wow, I wonder what kind of juicy trade secrets Jawbone has. I'm sure it took thousands of hours to come up with the idea of a watch that tells you not to be a lardass. Well, I'm wearing my Jawbone right now! Oh, what's that, Jawbone? If I wanna lose weight I should sit less and walk more? That's offensive!! How dare you flaunt your Jawbone privilege?! I'm gonna go buy a Fitbit! Oh, I'm sorry, I used the wrong word. I'm gonna go buy a Kit Kat! (Maddox laughs)

[goes into "Internet Hell" outro]

(spooky orchestra music in background)

Asterios: And in closing news, the Internet this year will have over 3.2 BILLION users, and yet you, the listener, still have 0 friends! (laughs tauntingly) What a world. (Maddox laughs) That's all for this week! This is Boisterous Coconuts reminding you: THE INTERNET CAN GO...FUUUUUUCK ITSEEEEEEEEEEEELF! (reverb)

[outro ends]

Maddox: Amen to that, buddy. The Internet should go fuck itself. Me included.