Problem: Social Justice Warriors (SJW) [00:12:16]
Problem: Soy [00:45:33]
Problem: Shitty Dads [01:04:53]
The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 57
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Casper! Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://casper.com/biggest and using promo code "BIGGEST".
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from ants to AIDS, with over 3.2 million downloads! This is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey!! What's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back.
Dick: New intro!
Maddox: New intro.
Dick: I like that intro!
Dick: You got alotta power behind it too.
Maddox: We get it out there, you know what the show is.
Maddox: Because Dick, I talked to someone over the weekend who said...
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: ...who listened to the show, and they didn't understand. It wasn't clear to them what this show was based on the title "The Biggest Problem in the Universe."
Dick: Well, it's two 30-something white-ish guys complaining.
Maddox: White-ish. (laughs)
Dick: That's...to explain it to you if you're so stupid you can't understand what two guys shouting into microphones on the Internet is about, that's what it's about.
Maddox: Yeah! Uh, Dick... (sound clip of Dick saying, "You know what? Maybe I AM a fuckin' idiot.") (laughs) (Dick cackles)
Dick: What was that? What did you wanna play? You know what I love about that intro, is the "ants to AIDS."
Dick: It always cracks me up, 'cause you know it's supposed to be A to Z. It would be like, "from ants to zebras."
Maddox: Nonono, but you can also draw a comparison in scale, in scope of problems too. So -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but it...the 'A', it necessarily, like, lends itself from A to Z.
Dick: You don't go, like, "We got all the cars down here at Dick Masterson's car lot. We got all the way from Audis to Alfa Romeos."
Maddox: Yeah, that's a good example! Well, you could even s-...you could even do a cheaper car than Audis. You could also draw a comparison between price, you could draw a comparison between color, you could draw a comparison between size; there are lots of different comparisons, not just alphabetical.
Dick: I'm just saying.
Dick: Alright. (smiles)
Maddox: No, I get it.
Dick: Yeah, you get it.
Maddox: I know, it sounds weird. Um, anyway. Dick...
Maddox: (drumroll sound effect) ...last week's biggest problems: Teleology came in #1.
Dick: Oh, good!
Maddox: And I guess that's how it's pronounced, right? 'Tee-lee-ology'?
Dick: I don't know. Everybody called in and said I was stupid, but Google says it the way I was saying it.
Dick: 'Teh-leh-ology.' But then they said it was 'tee-lee-ology'...
Maddox: It's 'tee-lee-ology.'
Dick: ...and then some...uh, Merriam-Webster's dictionary said it was, like, 'teh-lee-ology.' So I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah, I even heard...I think the British pronunciation is 'too-lee-ology' or some bullshit like that. Anyway man, Teleology came in a higher problem, a bigger problem, than Honor Killings. Good job, idiots. (Dick chuckles) And then...uh, and then The Netflix "Are you still watching?" Button, and then you guys downvoted High Heels.
Dick: Yeah, but you did ultimately win because Barbie stopped wearing high heels this week.
Maddox: Uh, I didn't "win," Dick. No one wins on this show.
Dick: Yeah, but you said it was a problem!
Maddox: It was a problem!
Dick: So Mattel and I guess little girls all fixed your problem.
Maddox: Yeah... (skeptical)
Dick: Barbie's now...small, small...a small bit! You know?
Maddox: But that's...I feel like that came from some social pressures. (laughs)
Dick: Okay, so you're anti-that! So you like high heels on Barbie, but not on real women.
Maddox: Well, because Barbie's a toy! (Dick giggles) I like my toys to have machine guns. I don't like children to have machine guns, of course!
Dick: Okay. (laughs more)
Maddox: Well, on that note, Pamela Yach-...Yachouh? Ya-...Yachouh...come on!
Dick: Skip it. Just blow through it.
Maddox: Whatever, man.
Dick: One and done!
Dick: That's the rule with name pronunciations from now on. Just whatever it sounds like, go with it.
Maddox: Pamela says, "Fucking thank you, Maddox. So many women around me have made me feel like I was nuts for being grossed out and confused by other women who take their high heels off and walk around the grimy floor or filthy street or whatever without shoes on. I see tons of them who take their shoes off less than thirty minutes into the night."
Maddox: Pamela! She agreed with me.
Dick: Class it up, ladies! Keep 'em on!
Dick: Keep 'em on.
Maddox: No one likes that grimy, gray foot butter. (chuckles)
Dick: I'll tell you what: when I loosen my tie, my necktie...
Dick: ...that's when you can take the high heels off. Right?
Dick: Do you hate wearing neckties too? I hate...I've always hated tight collars.
Dick: Ever since I was a kid, like, it feels like I'm getting strangled. So I'm just counting down -- no matter what I'm at, wedding, bar mitzvah, whatever -- I'm counting down the seconds until I can loosen that necktie and pop off the top button.
Maddox: Yeah, I loosen it a little bit right from the get-go because it makes you look a little disheveled in a good way.
Dick: Yeah. Cool.
Maddox: Yeah, cool, right?
Maddox: "Oh man, that guy's had a long day. He had a long day at the office."
Dick: Long day of playin' video games online on his Twitch account. (grins)
Maddox: (sighs) Dick...Dick's been givin' me shit because I told him...starting last week I started experimenting with a Twitch account, and for those who don't know, which is apparently a lot of people, Twitch is an online streaming platform for video games.
Maddox: So specifically made for video game players, which I am! I'm a gamer.
Maddox: And I realized a while back that I've been playing video games; why shouldn't people watch and learn from me?
Maddox: A pro-gamer.
Dick: How do I watch this? Seriously, I wanna watch you do it. How do I do it?
Maddox: I linked to it on my Twitter. It's http://twitch.tv/realmaddox.
Maddox: Yeah. I think that's my handle, "realmaddox," and I've been experimenting with it. I'm not sure if I wanna continue doing it, because here's what I didn't understand about Twitch: at the outset, it seems like you're just watching people play video games. What a lazy fucking thing, right?
Dick: Yeah! It is. (Maddox cracks up) It's definitely that.
Maddox: No, it's not! You don't understand, because from the perspective of a streamer, it is a tremendous amount of work. You really have to take into consideration lots of things. It's like doing a cooking show that lasts for 2 hours and it's live! It is a lot of work.
Maddox: It really is, yeah.
Maddox: People take for granted how hard it is to do podcasts -
Dick: (interjects) To play video games?
Maddox: No, dickhead! (Dick giggles) Just like the amount of work that we put into this podcast every week.
Dick: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah.
Maddox: It's substantial, right?
Maddox: We got our audio engineer, we do editing, we do research, we have sound clips and music clips and voicemail and email and comments. It just never ends, right?
Maddox: There's so much work that goes into it behind the scenes. Same thing with Twitch. Check it out! Uh, http://twitch.tv/realmaddox. I don't know if I'll continue doing it. I think I'm going to, because it's a challenge.
Dick: So you'd better watch now while the watchin's good!
Maddox: Yeah! Dick, I got a comment from James Fraser. He says, "You know your life is pretty good when your problems consist of having to press one button on a remote."
Dick: Uh, yeah, that's a fair cop.
Maddox: Yeah! (laughs)
Dick: I'm not gonna complain about...you know.
Dick: It's...it's the principle!
Maddox: Oh. (sarcastic)
Dick: It's the principle of it.
Dick: It's that Netflix is making me save them money. It's like all...it's bigger than that! It's just...it's the same as the plastic bag ban. They're making me pay for their bags. YOU pay the 10 cents, jerkoff! YOU press the button, Netflix! Like -
Maddox: (interjects) And yet, Dick Masterson loves self-checkout lanes. Which, by the way, you fuck, I spent 3 minutes in a self-checkout lane trying to check out this weekend, and it was so infuriating I started recording it! I have a 2 1/2-minute video.
Maddox: It was...I missed an entire minute of them fucking around, one person goin' after and gettin' an attendant. I had to get a supervisor to come by and someone had to log in and override the machine before I was able to check out with that bullshit that never fuckin' works.
Dick: Look... (sighs)
Maddox: I'm gonna send that video to you.
Dick: Uh, awesome. I can't wait to not watch it. (Maddox laughs) This is one little step on the march of progress.
Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)
Dick: Someday we'll be able to just walk into the store and walk out of the store with your goods!
Dick: Right? This is...the self-checkout lane is one step towards that. Uh, I got a voicemail. You talked about speech recognition.
Dick: Was it last episode or two episodes ago?
Maddox: About two episodes...
Dick: I think it was two episodes ago.
Maddox: Yeah, two episodes ago.
Dick: So somebody...here, somebody sent this in. [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Yet again Maddox, you prove yourself to be nothing but a sheltered, jacketless, (Maddox laughs) sandal-wearing, Greek-loving...you know, uh, nerd. This...you don't even know how voice-to-text actually does work. Well, you were wrong! Take your phone, Maddox, your Android phone that you love so fucking much, turn on text-to-speech...or speech-to-text...
Maddox: Mhm. (amused)
Voicemail: ...and send a text message. Start talking into it.
Voicemail: Google's technology works fucking great! Jesus, you're stupid. (everyone laughs) Love you, Dick. Bye.
Dick: Okay. (Sean laughs in the background) So I'm gonna...Google works great. I'm gonna read you what Google Voice thinks that guy just said.
Maddox: Okay! (about to laugh)
Dick: Okay? "Yet again next year, prove yourself to be nothing. But I shelters jacket list sandal-wearing regarding you know it, nerd. In this you don't even know I'll voice-to-text actually does work..." It got that part. "...when you were wrong. Hey, just calling back through Android phone that you're also much sort of text to stay, she spacial text and send a text message. Start walking into it. Google technology works great." It got that part. (both laugh) "Gene, this you're stupid love you Jeff. Bye."
Maddox: (laughs loudly) (audience laugh sound effect)
Dick: So, thanks for... (cracks up)
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) You fucking idiot! (clapping sound effect) What a slam dunk, Dick Masterson. Oh man, that's my favorite. (grinning)
Maddox: Fuck you, idiot!
Dick: I thought you would like that. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Moron. (Dick laughs) Yeah, Google te-...Google voice recognition works great. That's why half these voicemails you guys send us get translated to garbage like that.
Dick: They're just garbage.
Maddox: It's just garbage.
Dick: I got some fan art. This one's from Gorepump. Did you see this one?
Maddox: I did! Yeah, Gorepump.
Maddox: I ki-... (cracks up)
Dick: Pretty good!
Maddox: He did a pretty good job. I think you look better than I do, even though your forehead looks like it's about to -
Dick: (interjects) I look better in this picture than I do in real life!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Look at that, Sean.
Maddox: Even though your forehead's about to burst. Your forehead looks like there's, like, a huge bump on it, and then me, my eyes are so far wide apart... (Dick cackles) I look like an alien gray.
Dick: Yeah, you do. (laughing) You're like a frog man.
Maddox: Still better than, uh...I gave that an F+. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: It's pretty good.
Maddox: Better than most fan mail. Someone else sent some -
Dick: (interjects) Rob Hyde. That was Gorepump; this is Rob Hyde's. I dunno about...I don't like this one. I got a tiny face again.
Maddox: Oh yeah, this one's great! This one's very accurate. It says "The Biggest Problem in the Universe." I'm drawn like a pirate and I'm really angry, and I have what on my shirt? A "Street Fighter Alpha 2" shirt?
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: And then you have this tiny little face. I think it's pretty accurate.
Dick: Yeah. (irritated) (Maddox laughs) Well, they fucked up the mics. Everybody always fucks up the mics.
Maddox: Yeah, this is pretty great.
Dick: Alright. You got anything else? Oh, I have a song! You always wanna hear the songs up at the top of the show.
Dick: So you wanna hear the song before the end of the show?
Maddox: Yes! Who sent this in?
Dick: It was...Jacob Sigren. He was struck...he says, "Hey Dick, I was struck with a moment of inspiration when Maddox was shitting on listeners for not possessing his intellectual capacity."
Dick: So he made a song about it.
Maddox: So he made a song about this? Let's hear this. [Dick plays "Intoolectual" song]
(dramatic guitar chords)
Maddox: Speak for yourself. I think our listeners fucked up by voting wrong. (Dick laughs) IDIOTS.
Maddox: They don't have...they don't have the intellectual ('intoolectual') capacity that I have. (Maddox laughs loudly) Intoolectual capacity that I have...intoolectual capacity that I have...
Maddox (pitched way down): "INTOOLECTUAL." (Maddox and Dick giggling)
(drums and electric guitar behind mix of clips from Episode 55)
Maddox: As a math guy -- I was a math major in college...
Dick: 0.01% of people get AIDS, uh, every...that can't possibly be right.
Maddox: No, that's not right.
Sean: It's 1/100th of a percent, right?
Dick: Yeah, so what is that, 1 in every 10,000 people?
Maddox: No, more than that. 1 in every 100,000.
Maddox (pitched way down): "INTOOLECTUAL."
(more drums and guitar)
Maddox: And you always think as a kid that havin' sex with a preggo would be awesome...
Maddox: Okay. (uneasily)
Maddox: ...'cause then you got the baby in there and you're like, "Ahh!" You're pokin' the baby too, right? (Dick giggles) Yeah man, I can't wait to grow up and I'm gonna bang a chick...you know, you're bangin' both! That's...that's two for one!
(background music stops)
Maddox: REALLY? Really. Really?!
(music kicks back in)
Maddox: Um, I failed my driving...my written driving test. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Like 5 times.
(background music stops)
Maddox: Um...um...um...um...um... (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox (pitched way down): "INTOOLECTUAL."
Dick: Ah, there you go. That's a -
Maddox: (interjects) What an asshole!!
Dick: What an asshole indeed. Okay, you wanna get to the problems?
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. (sighs)
Dick: This week? If you're just tuning in, each of us brings in a problem, or two sometimes if we have enough time for it.
Maddox: Yeah. Decide which problem is bigger so that we can find the biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: Alright, here's my...here's my biggest problem in the universe: Social Justice Warriors.
Maddox: Ooo, Social Justice Warriors!
Dick: It's a mouthful.
Maddox: It is a mouthful.
Dick: It's a big topic.
Maddox: What does it mean, Dick?
Dick: Well, it means a couple things. Here's what you'd like it to mean. Here's what THEY would like it to mean: young people who advocate for social issues like equal rights, LGBTQ whatever, racial diversity...
Dick: ...and using their voice online as a form of social advocacy...
Dick: ...for these groups. Right?
Dick: So this is what it actually is.
Dick: In my opinion.
Dick: It's a group of spoiled kids who use social advocacy as a crutch to vent their rage.
Dick: That's what it is to me. Have you ever heard the phrase "your rights end where my feelings begin"?
Dick: You've heard that?
Dick: I always thought that was a little much. Like, I thought, "That's funny that they would say that, but surely that's, uh, that's an exaggeration."
Maddox: I thought it was tongue-in-cheek! It sounds tongue-in-cheek.
Dick: Right! But what I'm bringing in today is saying that that's...that kind of thinking has breached the Internet and is starting to infect real life.
Maddox: It's breached the hull of the Internet and it's going on to real life. It's having real-life...
Dick: That's the new normal!
Maddox: ...repercussions. It is, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, that's the new normal.
Dick: And I would...it's been on my list for a long time and it's probably been on your list for a long time. I've gotten dozens of emails about bringing in Social Justice Warriors, which would seem like an easy call because, like, they've basically ruined my opportunities to be funny on the Internet. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Like, ever since I started writing my stupid website, it gets sh-...it's been shut down, it's been kicked off of every web host online, my Facebook account gets banned, my YouTube videos get deleted, which...and some of them are just me posting voicemails from upset Social Justice Warriors who think that the way to reason me out of my insane ideas is to KILL me. Right?
Dick: It's not even me saying anything! It's like, "Hey, this is a bunch of voicemails that I was sent this week. Aren't they funny?"
Dick: THAT shit gets removed, because people complain about it. These Social Justice Warriors complain about it.
Maddox: Yeah, it's...the death threats go both ways, and I've seen the death threats come from the Social Justice Warrior camp. Now, when I first came across this phrase, Dick...uh, I saw the acronym "SJW," and I kept seeing it bandied about, "SJW, SJW, SJW." And I saw it used so much, it's so ubiquitous now, that I think that some of it has lost some meaning. When I first looked it up it said "Social Justice Warrior," and I kinda chuckled. I thought, "That's a perfect name for these social activists, who..." Dick, you said they use that to, um...they push their social advocacy as a way to what?
Dick: They use that as a guise. They say they're doing that, but what I really think they're doing is venting rage and bullying people.
Maddox: Venting rage. So I think it's more to bludgeon you...
Maddox: ...with guilt.
Dick: Yes!! Yes, exactly.
Maddox: That's what it is.
Dick: Yeah, exactly. So as I said, it's been on the list for a long time, and I've dealt with it for...you know, since 2005.
Maddox: As have I, right!
Dick: Thankfully there are a few web hosts who don't care about getting complaint emails and abuse emails.
Dick: 'Cause they'll email your web host and just say, "You're doing...you're promoting violence against women," or whatever...whatever they can say to get you kicked off the Internet.
Dick: Right? You've dealt with it too, I've dealt with it too.
Maddox: Oh, I've dealt with it in very real ways that hurt my bottom line! Right now my website is blocked on countless web filters due to "hate speech." (yells) Dick, hate speech has a very precise legal definition and is illegal in this country. If you're accusing me of a crime, then fucking take me to court! Because what I have on my website isn't hate speech, you fucking IDIOTS. Just because I say I hate something is different from hate speech! Hate speech is inciting hate or some kind of discrimination against a minority group. I don't do that. To -
Dick: (interjects) Or violence!
Maddox: Or violence, and I'm not advocating violence against any group! That's fucking bullshit! Just because I say I hate something -- if I hate goths, I hate some subculture, I hate Snapchat, I hate Facebook -- is not the same as hate speech, you morons!
Dick: He hates French fries too.
Maddox: I hate...well, no. (Dick laughs) I mean, if I...I'm tired of eating them!
Dick: Yeah. So here's...and here's core to the point of why I'm bringing them in: the only thing they want you to do is stop talking.
Dick: They don't care how they accomplish it...
Dick: ...these Social Justice Warriors; they just want you to stop, whether that means frightening you into stopping, whether it means revoking your ability to speak online or in the real world, whether it means cutting you off at the heel, whether it means getting you fired? They don't care what it takes. As long as you stop talking, they consider their mission a success.
Maddox: Right. They want you to shut up unless your opinion is exactly aligned with theirs.
Dick: Yeah. So the reason I brought it in this week is because it happened in threes this week, and in three very different ways, which I thought was interesting and it made me worried for the first time that this phenomenon of a Social Justice Warrior, these young people aren't growing out of it; society's growing INTO it. Like, the future is not gonna be a bunch of kids who said, like, "When I was a kid online I was a Social Justice Warrior and now I'm embarrassed about it, 'cause I see how violent it is." It's gonna be a society OF Social Justice Warriors.
Dick: Does that make sense, why I'm bringing it in?
Maddox: Well, okay, but I wanna hear the examples you have from this week.
Dick: Reddit. You know what happened on Reddit this week?
Maddox: Hah, I DO know what happened. I'm so glad you're talkin' about this.
Dick: You do know what happened?
Dick: Okay. So I get a text from my friend saying, "Hey, check out Reddit. Your, uh, your book's about to hit the front page." So I was like, "No way, really? Awesome!" I go on Reddit. I've posted maybe once or twice 7 years ago.
Dick: But I have the account, so I log in and somebody had found a copy of my book at a book store and they said, "Manliest name ever: Dick Masterson." Right?
Dick: Which of course it is, 'cause...it was made to be. Uh... (both laugh) So I jump in on the comment thread and pitch the podcast, like "Hey, yeah, you're goddamn right it is. By the way, I'm doin' a podcast with Maddox. Check it out. Here's the link."
Dick: Yeah! I got, like, some gold or whatever that is?
Dick: A bunch of comments, people were really excited about it, and it made me think, "Maybe this is a fun community," 'cause all the comments were, like, funny to me.
Maddox: What was the post? The post was a picture of your book?
Dick: Of my book, and then comments about the name and comments about the site, and people...there were fans of the podcast in the thread!
Dick: Talkin' about that they enjoy the podcast and they -
Maddox: (interjects) And 4-...was this 4chan promoting it to the front page?
Dick: No, it was Reddit. What do you mean, it was...?
Maddox: Well, who specifically in Reddit? Who sent you this email? Why...why email?
Dick: Oh, my friend. Just a friend of mine from high school sent it to me, 'cause he was a Reddit...he is on Reddit.
Maddox: Yeah, but at whose behest? Like, usually on Reddit, people...the entire community has to upvote something for some specific reason. Was this just a happenstance?
Dick: No, it was...oh, it was r/funny.
Dick: It was just somebody submitted it for the name alone.
Maddox: Just happenstance. Okay!
Dick: Yeah, happenstance.
Dick: So then when I got on there, it got voted up a lot.
Dick: So I was checking out the little subreddits, seeing if we could do, like, a podcast subreddit or something.
Dick: See, like...see how to engage this community.
Dick: And I stumbled upon what I would describe as a Garden of Eden for me.
Dick: Like, the green land that Furiosa is talking about going to in the Mad Max movie?
Maddox: Utopia, yeah!
Dick: Yeah, uto-...my utopia!
Dick: And it was called "FatPeopleHate." (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: And it was...that's it, right? (Maddox stammers) Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: When I brought in...I first came across that subreddit when I was doing research for my fit shaming problem that I brought in a long time ago, because fit shaming's a thing that people are doing now. And then I came across...one of the top Google results was FatPeopleHate.
Maddox: And I clicked on it and I thought, "Oh, this is..." (Dick guffaws) "This is cheeky. What's goin' on here?"
Dick: Yeah! Right?? It's cheeky!
Maddox: Yeah, it's cheeky. It's very...and it's just, you know, a bunch of assholes being assholes to fat people. They were posting pictures -
Dick: (interjects) About fat people, not to...I mean, not *to* them.
Maddox: About...yeah, I mean...
Dick: About them.
Maddox: Yeah, none of it was...I mean, they were picking certain pictures of fat people...
Maddox: ...but they weren't targeting anyone necessarily. They weren't...uh, except for celebrities, of course, which are always fair game. But -
Dick: (interjects) So I said, "Oh, baby."
Dick: "I wanna get with ya." Right? (Sean laughs in the background) "I'm gonna bookmark this subreddit..."
Maddox: M'kay. (smiles)
Dick: "...and I'm gonna be back, guys. I'm gonna make my home here." Right?
Dick: "I've found...this is the end of my Oregon Trail. I'm in the Willamette Valley right here. I'm settin' up shop. I'll be back. I'll be back." I show up on Wednesday; subreddit banned.
Dick: 150,000 people appar-...150,000 people need to be policed. Subreddit banned.
Maddox: Well, did you happen to go to Reddit, or did you hear that the subreddit was banned and that...?
Dick: No, I happened to go there looking for it...
Maddox: Okay. Uh-huh.
Dick: ...and found that it was banned.
Dick: So why was it banned? For, you know, the nebulous cause of "harassment."
Dick: Because they wanna make Reddit a "safe space" for people online. They don't want people to feel unsafe...
Dick: ...when they go to their stupid website.
Maddox: Yeah, because apparently your sense of safety can be breached by what people say on the Internet, right? And even if it's not a specific threat towards you -- which, by the way, is not actionable. Unless someone is making a specific threat towards you, there is jack shit you can do and you're not even justified in claiming that you feel threatened, because you're not! Unless you are specifically threatened. Unless you have a specific, actionable threat, and if you do, go to the fucking police!
Maddox: Because if you see mean words on the Internet, guess what? Click away, dipshit!! No one's forcing you to watch, read, or hear anything! You don't like the words I'm saying? Turn off the fuckin' podcast. I don't give a SHIT. Same thing with Howard Stern! People tried to censor him for years because they didn't like what he was saying. Guys, change the dial! Watch something else! Read something else! You don't have to be subject to these cruel words that you are CHOOSING to ingest!
Dick: And this is what...and this is why it's a Social Justice Warrior thing: because they expose themselves to these ideas on purpose. It's like, it's the height of martyrdom. They will look for pleasure...like, they will seek out that rush of getting insulted, offended, and outraged by something like this FatPeopleHate subreddit.
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Dick: So I get to thinkin', "Okay, you know, it's a company, right? Whatever, they can do whatever they want. You know, however they're running their bottom line. I don't know. Take it up with the CEO." Uh, do you wanna hear about the subreddits that made the cut? That *weren't* offensive?
Maddox: Oho, I know some of these. I would like you to read them for the viewer. For the listener.
Maddox: This is AMAZING.
Dick: Yes, from the...the etymology is from the pejorative "coon" to refer to an African-American.
Maddox: Ohh, this...so this isn't a subreddit for raccoons...like a raccoon family that comes from...? (cynical)
Dick: No, no. It's, uh...
Maddox: Oh, it's black people.
Dick: ...it's horrifying racism.
Maddox: Ohh, okay.
Dick: Racist jokes, you know, that sort of thing.
Dick: That's fine.
Maddox: Well surely, Dick Masterson, they thought that it was a town about raccoons and they let that one slip, right?
Dick: That may be so. That may be so.
Dick: So this one is...this one is less ambiguous, perhaps.
Dick: Uh, r/PicsOfDeadKids.
Maddox: Okay, well... (laughing) (Sean whistles in the background) Hold on, hold on. (Dick laughing uncomfortably) PicsOfDeadKids?
Maddox: Now are they, like, dead tired? That...of course. Like, if I read that, I think they're dead tired!
Dick: Oh, you think they're...? 'Cause no one would possibly post pictures of deceased children, so you're saying they must be saying that they're dead tired.
Maddox: Yeah! I understand why they let that one slip. I mean, surely this is just a bunch of oversights.
Dick: Okay. (cracks up)
Maddox: What else are they... (laughs)
Dick: Alright, here's the last one I'll bring in, and I love that we didn't set this up beforehand.
Maddox: Yeah! (laughs more)
Dick: Because the...here's the final one that made the cut over at Reddit.
Dick: Uh, r/CuteFemaleCorpses.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing) Okay!
Dick: Talk your way outta that one.
Maddox: Dick... (chuckles) Now, "cute" is subjective. Right? (Dick guffaws)
Dick: There you...that's about the only part of that that's subjective! (Maddox giggling) So their suggestion is that some fat woman who sees herse-...or man who sees themselves on this FatPeopleHate subreddit feels more harassed in real life than someone whose family member or loved one is DEAD and put up under the context of necrophilia.
Dick: That's the suggestion here. It's purely driven by complaints.
Dick: All of this. That's their power. They drag you down, the Social Justice Warrior. They drag everybody down until everybody says exactly what they want them to say.
Maddox: You know, Dick? This whole phenomenon of Social Justice Warrior kind of hit tipping point for me when the entire GamerGate scandal happened. You remember GamerGate?
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: To refresh everyone's memory if you're not familiar with GamerGate, it was this huge kerfuffle that happened on the Internet (Dick laughs) in the gamer... (cracks up) Right?
Maddox: That's a good word for it.
Dick: That is. That's what it was. (smiling)
Maddox: In the gamer community, because they found out that there was this guy whose, uh...who accused his ex-girlfriend of cheating on him with some gaming journalists, and she happened to be a video game developer, and he accused the gaming journalists of giving her soft reviews or a little bit of extra publicity for her games...
Maddox: ...in exchange for sleeping with this, you know, said journalist. Allegedly, right? So that exploded on the Internet. Everyone started attacking her and everyone started attacking these journalists' websites and so on and so forth, and the opponents, the opposition to the GamerGate scandal, the people who were telling these people who were outraged to pipe down, were dubbed "Social Justice Warriors." Right? The people who were criticizing...they would fall in the camp of Anita Sarkeesian and Feminist Frequency and people who were defending the ex-girlfriend of...
Dick: Okay, I'm a little confused.
Maddox: What...okay, what aren't you following?
Dick: So who...Anita Sarkeesian and the Feminist Frequency, they were telling who to be quiet?
Maddox: The people outraged about this GamerGate scandal.
Dick: Okay, 'cause there was impropriety over the ranking, so they were like, "Shut up, don't bully this girl."
Maddox: Essentially. They said...they were trying to defend...they were saying that these are just trolls and they're vicious and they're misogynist, and they're just trying to attack, uh, attack women, et cetera, et cetera.
Maddox: So these are...these people were dubbed as Social Justice Warriors, and one of the loudest supporters of the Social Justice Warriors, specifically in this instance, in this era, was Joss...Josh Whedon? Is it -
Dick: (interjects) Joss Whedon.
Maddox: Joss Whedon.
Maddox: Joss Whedon. He is the director of the new Iron...er, what is it, Age of Ultron.
Maddox: The Avengers 2 movie.
Dick: And Buffy and Serenity and shit.
Maddox: And Buffy and Serenity and a bunch of stuff. He is an outspoken supporter of online feminist activism.
Maddox: Essentially, that's what it is. It's online feminist activism.
Maddox: They call them "Facebook Feminists."
Maddox: So Joss Whedon was criticized very heavily when the new Avengers movie came out, Dick, but not by the people you would expect; he was criticized by Social Justice Warriors.
Dick: Oh, 'cause it didn't have enough chicks in it or something like that?
Maddox: Yeah, because he didn't ha-...he didn't give the women in the movie enough of a role.
Dick: Yeah, and the Black Widow's biggest secret was that she couldn't have babies.
Dick: Like, that's pretty... (guffaws) Like, alright!
Maddox: Welp, yeah.
Dick: I guess if you're gonna...if you wanna be friends with feminists you can't say that shit, man.
Maddox: So Joss Whedon was sent a torrent of mean, hurtful, hateful comments from these people...
Maddox: ...who are supposedly in his camp!
Maddox: Here's some of the tweets, Dick. This is from Callout Vulture. He said, "I will fuck a Joss Whedon-shaped dildo. I don't give a fuck anymore." This one's from Jenny Moeller -
Dick: (interjects) What does that mean?
Maddox: I don't know. He's trying to literally objectify Joss Whedon.
Maddox: This one says...uh, Jenny Moeller, she says, "We can't even learn her story without it being tied to a man. Fuck you, Joss Whedon."
Maddox: Another one: "Let's throw a shoutout to Joss Whedon for being racist, sexist, and misogynist." So now he's racist...
Maddox: ...sexist, and he hates women, a self-declared feminist in your camp! And then another woman says, "Block me, ugly." (Dick cackles) This one says...Alexis, she says, "Fuck you for screwing Natasha and Steve's characterization, and don't start me on Bruce/Natasha. Where the fuck did that come from? Fuck you."
Maddox: Another one says, "You're an asshole. Fuck you." That's Vicki, uh, @boyprincesss on Twitter. This one's from Mari on Twitter: "Fuck you, Joss Whedon. You fucked up the only female superhero that Marvel has allowed us to have. The Black Widow isn't a fucking damsel." Another one: "No, but did you guys notice the rape joke in AOU? I'll fucking kill Joss Whedon." I don't even...
Dick: Oh, I...I get it.
Dick: They're awful.
Maddox: On and on and on.
Dick: But this is the thing. It's the...it's the rage. That's the only thing they're expressing.
Dick: That's the only thing they're ever expressing. They look for anybody who has any kind of advantage or privilege and they just take the rage out on them.
Maddox: Well, PERCEIVED privilege. I mean, let's be -
Dick: (interjects) Of course, of course, of course.
Maddox: And that's the tool they use to bludgeon you with guilt, and you know what Patton Oswalt said about this, Dick? This is a...this is pretty insightful. Patton Oswalt, when this whole thing happened...Joss Whedon left Twitter, and he claims after the fact, like, "Oh, it wasn't because of the rage and hatred that I was enduring."
Dick: Yeah, it was.
Maddox: "I just happened to..."
Dick: Sack up, you pussy.
Maddox: Of course it was, you fucking pussy! (Dick cackles)
Dick: Welcome to the Internet, bitch!
Maddox: You fucking coward! So Patton Oswalt said, "Yep. There is a 'Tea Party' equivalent of progressivism/liberalism. And they just chased Joss Whedon off Twitter. Good job, guys."
Dick: Yeah, that's pretty funny.
Dick: That is the Tea Party equivalent.
Maddox: And I think that's a very apt analysis.
Dick: Well, here's who I blame for this whole...again, I brought in a couple examples. I did some research into the CEO of Reddit, who's obviously allowed this to happen.
Dick: Because that's who's responsible for what's going on at your company, is the CEO.
Dick: This chick's name is Ellen Pao.
Dick: You wanna know what just happened to her?
Maddox: What happened?
Dick: She filed this big old gender discrimination lawsuit against one of the big VC firms.
Maddox: Yeah, her ex-
Dick: (interjects) Up in San Jose.
Maddox: Her ex-company, right?
Dick: So she got brought in as a junior executive, and she didn't make the cut and got fired.
Dick: And her lawsuit was saying that she got fired because of her gender and there aren't a lot of women in the company and there aren't a lot of women in venture capitalism as a whole. What's up?
Maddox: Yeah, and she was passed...she alleged that she was passed on for raises and promotions.
Dick: Yeah. So here's a quote from a female journalist about what her opinions of this...this bitch Ellen Pao. Uh, Patricia Sellers wrote, "I don’t know Pao that well, but in 2011 she was on a panel that I moderated. I recall wondering to myself at the time how a woman so reticent and obviously insecure could have advanced so far in fiercely competitive Silicon Valley."
Dick: I don't know, you think that might have somethin' to do with it?
Maddox: That she was insecure and reticent?
Maddox: Oh, maybe.
Dick: In a world of, like, wolves?
Dick: Where you're...where viciousness and aggression is tied to achievement?
Maddox: But Dick, I feel like Silicon Valley should be a safe area (Dick cackles) for everyone to have authentic discussions, don't you?
Dick: And you see, this is why I bring this lawsuit of hers in, because what I see in Social Justice Warriors is that they will lash out at people and when they don't get what they want, they lower their sights. So they're...first they attack you; they get nowhere, so then they attack some kid on Twitter who can't defend himself. Like, they go after the more vulnerable people, the lower-hanging fruit...
Dick: ...until they get that satisfaction of having destroyed someone.
Dick: So she couldn't do shit. She got...her case got dismissed.
Dick: On all 4 counts, by the way.
Maddox: Of course! Yeah.
Dick: So what does she do? Goes into Reddit, immediately starts policing people on Reddit.
Dick: Immediately starts policing the kind of, uh...whatever, oppression that she couldn't take care of in real life.
Maddox: She starts throwing her weight around on Reddit.
Maddox: She starts bullying people on Reddit. And by the way, Dick, do you wanna talk about what's happened to Reddit since this, uh, these subreddits got banned?
Dick: Oh, yeah! Now it's full of 150,000 people who are pissed off!
Maddox: Well, specifically -
Dick: (interjects) Scattered like the wind!
Maddox: Specifically what has happened is the entire front page of Reddit has been taken over by FatPeopleHate.
Dick: Yeah! (laughs)
Maddox: It is entirely just memes shitting on fat people, assholes constantly shitting on fat people and posting awful things about not just fat people, but Ellen Pao herself.
Maddox: But Dick, to play a small...and, you know, I'm with you on this problem.
Maddox: But to play a small devil's advocacy here, some of the subreddits they banned were transphobic and they had one that was, uh, that had the N-word in the title.
Dick: Yeah, but they had -
Maddox: (interjects) What would you say about those bans?
Dick: Well, I'm against anything that limits speech.
Dick: And here's...okay, I'm sorry. What do I think about it morally or what do I think about it from a company standpoint?
Maddox: From their standpoint. Should they have banned those subreddits?
Dick: No. I'll tell you why they shouldn't have done it as a company: because when, as a company, you suddenly decide that you're policing your boards, now you're responsible to police them all the time. In my opinion, if you just let it run rampant and you say, "We have a zero-tolerance policy against harassment and threats," that's one thing and you police that, but when you say you're just knocking out a whole board based on, like...based on the vibe that you get from it, then you're assuming responsibility for policing the entire site.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true. That's a good point.
Dick: And you're encouraging those complaints. Like if 20 complaints got a board shut down, you just increased the number of complaints you're gonna get by several orders of magnitude.
Maddox: You open the floodgates, and that's what people are doing right now. They're saying, "Well, why the double standard? Why aren't you banning this forum? Why aren't you banning that forum?" But it's also interesting, Dick, that you don't have such a problem with Facebook, which is far more egregious in their censorship.
Dick: Well, I...
Maddox: Because you defended Facebook a while back.
Dick: What do you mean, "they're far more egregious in their cen-..."? I think Facebook censorship is a problem.
Maddox: It's way worse than Reddit. Facebook, first of all, tolerates no nudity. They don't tolerate any...any outrageous opinions. They -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I...I don't like that!
Maddox: I mean, they've banned you on Facebook!
Dick: Yeah, I'm totally banned.
Dick: But, you know, it didn't just happen.
Dick: Like, this isn't like a...
Dick: Facebook is a...I think it's kind of a different animal, 'cause it's not a public bulletin board.
Maddox: Right. So -
Dick: (interjects) Facebook, like, encourages your private spaces. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I mean, neither is Reddit. It's still a private company. So I would encourage you all to vote up Facebook as a problem.
Dick: Ah, okay. (exasperated)
Maddox: This is actually what I'm getting at here. (smiles)
Dick: Alright. (Maddox laughs) So I got another one. I wanna get...oh, so this chick Ellen Pao?
Dick: She also instituted a policy of forbidding employee negotiations.
Maddox: Yeah, and you know why she did that, Dick?
Dick: Yeah, 'cause men are better at negotiating their starting salary.
Maddox: Well, it's not that men are better; it's that men do it more often. Women, for a number of reasons, don't negotiate for their salaries.
Maddox: And there's a study...I talked about this in my wage gap video.
Maddox: The reason women don't negotiate for their salary is pretty complex, but they found in one study in Sweden that when they told women that they could ASK for a raise -- and they used that specific word "ask" as opposed to "negotiate" for a raise -- the wage gap discrepancy disappeared entirely. They -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's interesting.
Maddox: Yeah, because women for some reason are more privy to the word "ask" than "negotiate."
Maddox: Men -
Dick: (interjects) They're more receptive?
Maddox: Yeah, they're more receptive to the word "ask" than the word "negotiate."
Dick: That makes sense! That's why I phrased it "Ask For A Raise" in the solutions episode. (Maddox scoffs) It doesn't always have to be a conflict. You could just ask.
Maddox: That's not why, Dick! Don't, don't... (both crack up) Don't fuckin' take credit for -
Dick: (interjects) That is!
Dick: That is why.
Dick: That is definitely why.
Maddox: You didn't know about that study, dickhead. (laughs)
Dick: Um...okay, I got another example of this spilling over into the real world.
Dick: This phenomenon. Remember...did you hear what Seinfeld said? He doesn't play colleges 'cause they're too PC?
Dick: They just throw around terms like "racism" and "sexism" to...
Dick: ...essentially to attack you. I mean, that's not what he said, but...
Maddox: Right, and people called him racist and sexist and misogynist.
Dick: This jackass kid posts an open letter to Seinfeld on The Huffington Post...
Maddox: Huffington Post, mhm.
Dick: ...where he describes comedy to Jerry Seinfeld. (incredulous)
Dick: I can't imagine... (stammers) ...how horrifying, how mortifying that must be! And he's sitting there congratulating himself like he did a good thing! He's explaining to Jerry Seinfeld the brilliant comedy of Amy Schumer.
Dick: (laughs) Like...
Dick: Where do you get off?! This is a Social Justice Warrior par excellence. Like, this thinking grown out of...once he's out of college is exactly what has become of this, uh, stupid bitch that ruined Reddit.
Maddox: Ellen Pao, they're calling her "General Pao." (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Yeah. You know, this...so this guy... (stammers) Jerry Seinfeld comes out and says that he's not going to do college circuits anymore because it's too PC and he gets in trouble too much for just try-...like, workshopping jokes.
Maddox: Which is what comedians do all the time.
Maddox: And then this guy comes out and does exactly what Jerry Seinfeld...
Dick: Offended! Immediately offended.
Maddox: ...is accusing colleges of doing! (Dick laughs) Which is being offended!
Maddox: You guys are fucking obsessed with being offended! You get this, like, righteous indignation. It FEELS good to feel offended. You want to point your finger to somebody and blame them for something! "Oh god, please let me just blame somebody for my anger! That's what I want! I want to feel righteous indignation." That's exactly what this comes down to, and fuck you for feeling it.
Dick: You know what I think it is partly?
Maddox: As I... (both crack up) As I go on as righteously... (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. But you know what I think it is, seriously? It feels good to point out when something is broken, like when there's some kind of injustice happening.
Dick: Like, a legitimate one.
Dick: It feels good to point that out, and I think that these kids just want that rush of having pointed it out. Like, everybody wants to be the one to point it out, so now it's like a dog pile. And I don't think you can fix that behavior, 'cause they've got nothin' else to do!
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: They don't have jobs, they don't have to study anything because their degree's a JOKE.
Dick: You know?
Maddox: This is a much, much bigger discussion, Dick, and I think the root cause of this problem here is another problem which I'll bring in at some point, but it is essentially...I'll just summarize it here. I think it's a lack of a cause, and in times of war we have a cause. We have a common enemy, and we know who that is and we are all united in defeating that enemy. But today life is good, so good that we don't have enough problems to bitch about.
Dick: Yeah, that's...
Maddox: So we try to find -
Dick: (interjects) So we got ants as one of them. (both laugh)
Maddox: No, we got the Netflix button, dickhead! We've got the -
Dick: (interjects) That is a big problem.
Maddox: The Netflix...your problem essentially boils down to pressing a fucking button!
Dick: ...it's more than that. It's the principle.
Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)
Dick: It's the principle of the button. I think you're absolutely right. Um, I brought in one more. I'll go...oh... (cracks up) Oh god, maybe...it's kind of a rough topic, so maybe I'll skip it. Remember the mattress girl? I think you brought her in.
Dick: That woman that...er, that college girl that accused that guy of raping her, and then he didn't and he had like 300 text messages from her after their sex act?
Dick: Of her, like, falling in love with him and shit?
Dick: Um, she made a porno! Did you know that?
Dick: She made a porno of her, uh...of the alleged abusive act, of the alleged, uh...I don't know, would you call it a rape? Is that what...?
Maddox: She alleges rape, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, and it was really bizarre to watch. It was called, like, "N'est...Ne...Ne Ci Pas Un Viol"? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Oh boy.
Dick: Whatever that "this is not a pipe"...?
Maddox: Ohh boy.
Dick: Sean, what's that "this is not a pipe" painting called?
Sean: It's called "This Is Not A Pipe."
Dick: Yeah, but what's the French...do you know how to say it in French?
Dick: Oh, me either. Alright, so "This Is Not a Violation."
Dick: And it's, like, a really bizarre meta-art project in Social Justice...Warrioring.
Maddox: Warrioring, yeah.
Dick: Um, her mom is promoting it on Facebook.
Maddox: Great. (cringing)
Dick: Her mom's promoting her daughter bangin' a big fat guy.
Maddox: Yeah, and by the way, this video...so, you know, I watched it. Of course. Everyone...
Dick: Of course I did.
Maddox: A lot of people watched it, yeah. "Okay, what's goin' on here? Just a...it's a porn." Because -
Dick: (interjects) Couldn't even get half a chub to it.
Maddox: Because... (cracks up) Because she said that this was not rape; this video was consensual and that it was an art piece, so I watched it as she intended her viewer to watch it. And then she asked a whole bunch of, like, level-1 college...college-grade questions.
Maddox: Like critical thinking thought piece questions?
Maddox: You know?
Maddox: Asking like, "How did this make you feel? Do you feel like you participated in my rape?" I was like, "No."
Maddox: Absolutely not.
Dick: I feel like I watched an amateur porno. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, there is -
Dick: (interjects) With two ugly people.
Maddox: There is... (cracks up) There is much more convincing rape fantasy porn out there. (Dick cackles) This isn't even...this is like amateur...this doesn't even...this is too amateur for amateur porn.
Maddox: And the guy...nothing about it is believable! The guy takes his condom off...first of all, it's somebody...it's this guy that she trusts enough to bring back to her apartment. This guy comes in, she blows him, and then this guy, uh -
Dick: (interjects) And that's where it goes downhill.
Maddox: Yeah, this guy starts to get a little bit rough with her and she says, "No, stop," and I believe during the video at some point she says, uh, "Choke me again" or "Hit me again" or somethin' like that, which is really confusing...
Maddox: ...because why would you say that? (stammers) Basically, the bottom line is this video pisses me off because it trivializes rape.
Maddox: It trivializes it and mischaracterizes rape.
Dick: It's not an art piece.
Maddox: No, it's not an art piece.
Dick: It shouldn't be.
Maddox: It shouldn't be an art piece.
Maddox: Don't fucking trivialize this crime that traumatizes men and women...
Maddox: ...into this art piece that is bullshit and done for no other purpose than self-promotion.
Dick: Yeah, and that's the mentality of these people. It's self-promotion for the sake of, like, uh...self-immolation. Self-abuse.
Dick: And they're proud of it. They're all martyrs. Speakin' of mattresses... (everyone laughs loudly) This episode is brought to you by Casper! (grinning)
Maddox: Oh, Jesus. (laughing)
Dick: (guffaws) Get $50 toward any mattress purchased by visiting http://casper.com/biggest and using promo code "BIGGEST". I think we have the best ads. (Maddox laughs more) Like, have you ever heard ads that are as good as ours? Casper's an online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. The mattress industry has inherently forced customers into paying notoriously high markups. Fuck them. Casper is revolutionizing the mattress industry by cutting the cost of dealing with resellers and showrooms and passing those savings directly to the consumer. How's your bed?
Maddox: Great! I still have that coma sleep that I was talkin' about, Dick.
Maddox: (chuckles) When I go to sleep on this thing, it's like one solid piece. It's continuous, I don't stir at all...
Maddox: ...to the point where I might wet my pants. (Dick cackles)
Dick: 'Cause you don't wanna get up, or 'cause it's so comfortable?
Maddox: Both. I don't wanna get up and I can't. I think it immobilizes my body.
Dick: Ah, well, it's got just the right sink and just the right bounce.
Maddox: It really does! That's a good way of putting it!
Dick: I wish I had one.
Dick: I don't have one. Uh, two technologies come together for better nights and brighter days: latex foam and memory foam. Have you banged any chicks in that bed?
Maddox: (smirks) Dick, ALL the chicks. (both laugh) All the chicks have been banged on my Casper mattress.
Dick: Oh, and if you wanna see a mattress come out of a box... (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Ohoho baby, yeah! (smiling)
Dick: Oh BABY, you gotta see this Casper mattress come out of a box. I've seen mattresses come out of a box before, but nothing like this Casper mattress.
Maddox: Yeah. We did a whole episode about it.
Maddox: Which people complained about! "Hey Maddox, why don't you talk about the ma-...?" (stupid voice) 'Cause, dickhead, we just got it! Okay? (irritated)
Dick: They cost between $500 for a twin-size mattress, $750 for a full-size, $850 for a queen-size, and $950 for a king-size. There you go. Go to http://casper.com/biggest, enter promo code "BIGGEST".
Maddox: And what do we get, $50 off...
Maddox: ...the mattress, right?
Maddox: So $950 for a king-size; if you put in the promo code, that's 900 bucks for a king-size mattress.
Dick: That's pretty good!
Maddox: Which is an AMAZING deal. I remember the last king-size mattress I got was the, uh...was from a mattress store, and the guy tried to upsell me to the most expensive mattresses, $2400, $1800, $1600. Finally I'm like, "Well, what's that mattress leaning against the wall?" He goes, "No, you don't want that." (both laugh) I said, "Well, what's wrong with it?" He goes, "Well, you know, a mattress is like a...you know, like car tires. You get a crappy mattress, you gotta replace it in 3 years." Yeah. Bullshit.
Dick: Yeah, that is bullshit.
Maddox: I slept on that mattress. It was a spring mattress though, man, and it did wear down pretty quickly, but I slept on it out of spite. (Sean laughs in the background) I had springs pokin' my back and I was like, "Fuck you, man!" (Dick giggles) "Take that!"
Dick: This is why we have the best ads. Absolutely nothing to do with Casper. (laughs more)
Maddox: (stammers) What I'm saying is, though, Casper doesn't have those problems, and it's cheaper than that mattress I paid...it was like 900 bucks for a shit mattress! You're gonna get one way better from Casper.
Dick: Yeah. Cool.
Maddox: Dick, let's get to the real biggest problem.
Maddox: Soy! (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: Soy, yeah. (clapping sound effect)
Maddox: Soy. (smiling) Soy, soy, soy. Ever notice how men who eat soy seem like they have less testosterone and higher estrogen levels, Dick?
Maddox: That's because men who eat soy have less testosterone and higher estrogen levels. (both laugh) That's a fuckin' fact. A study in the Oxford Journal of Medicine and Health found that out of 99 men in a study, the ones who had the highest intake of soy-based foods had a lower sperm concentration. The sperm count remained significant even after accounting for age, abstinence time, body mass index, caffeine and alcohol intake, and even smoking.
Dick: Why are they...how'd they get all that soy?
Maddox: They were just eating it.
Dick: They were just eating soy?
Maddox: A lot of 'em were...I mean, not just soy products. I mean...they were drinking soy milk.
Dick: Well, I'll tell you, I cut out soy protein when I heard about this estrogen thing that you're talkin' about.
Dick: 'Cause I used to drink a lot of, you know, protein shakes for weightlifting and I, uh...I don't want tits.
Maddox: Right! Yeah, well, it's interesting Dick, because muscle builders who use soy protein have a significant amount more of the protein wasted, and it contributes to less protein synthesis in the body.
Maddox: Soy protein is cheaper than whey or, what's the other one, casein? Ca-...
Dick: I don't know. I only know whey.
Maddox: Well, anyway, it's cheaper, so that's why some people, especially ve-...here's the thing: if you wanna be a vegetarian or vegan, you're never going to be a muscle builder. And they keep tryin' to...every now and then, every, like...once every 10 years, like clockwork, there'll be some vegan or vegetarian muscle builder who comes out.
Maddox: He's just like, "Oh yeah, I'm a strict vegan! Look at my muscles!" And first of all, he looks nothing like professional bodybuilders.
Maddox: He's...yeah, he's more muscle-y than average...
Maddox: ...but he looks nothing like these other guys. He goes, "Well, it's totally possible." Well yeah, of course it's possible, but I don't want my dick to shrivel, asshole.
Dick: Yeah, I also think you're on steroids. (Maddox laughs) Like, let's cut to the chase here. I think you're a liar.
Maddox: Yeah, okay! Well, there's...this is from Men's Health. There's a retired helicopter pilot who flew in Vietnam named James Price. Real manly guy, right? He told Men's Health that he's grown breasts, and that they've become painful and swollen as if gumballs were implanted underneath each nipple!
Maddox: Yeah, it's awful! He says it's to the point now where he can't even wear t-shirts because it's so painful and embarrassing.
Dick: Mad Dog Murdock's grown tits.
Maddox: Yeah. It's real... (cracks up) It's a real shame. Wait, is that from, uh...
Dick: You know? Mad Dog, the helicopter pilot from the A-Team?
Maddox: Oh, okay. From the A-Team, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. He's got tits.
Maddox: Well, he said, "Men aren't supposed to have breasts. It was like my body was feminizing." His beard growth slowed, his sexual desire disappeared, and he stopped getting morning erections! This -
Dick: (interjects) Ooo.
Maddox: Yeah, stopped getting morning wood! He said, "My penis was so flaccid that it looked very small in comparison with the way it used to be. Even my emotions have changed." He said he was becoming much more sentimental after drinking soy. He'd break down and cry during sad movies.
Dick: Oh my god!!
Maddox: Uh-huh! And he said he started to enjoy the company of women like he hadn't before.
Dick: Oohoohoo, that's a...that's a big red flag! (both laugh) I'd go straight to a hospital if I ever enjoyed the company of a woman.
Maddox: Yeah, well, I'd be surprised. I'd be surprised, Dick. Um, he said he was diagnosed with gynocema-...gynecomastia.
Dick: Enlargement of the breasts?
Dick: Yeah, it's "gynecomastia."
Maddox: Yeah, gynecomastia. Yeah, the abnormal enlargement of the mammary glands in men. His estrogen levels were 8 times higher than normal in a typically healthy man, and even higher than levels in a typically healthy woman. So he talked to his doctor and they were racking their minds, their brains, trying to figure out what was going on with this guy, and finally they started lookin' at his diet when they were at a loss for explanation. So they found that he grew up drinking soy milk and put soy on his cereal, and he was lactose intolerant so he switched to soy milk and it had become his favorite drink after his wife passed away.
Maddox: He drank about 3 quarts of soy every day...
Dick: Ohoho, wow.
Maddox: ...and then started developing these symptoms! And did you know that 85% of people, according to a survey in 2008, thought that soy was healthy but many couldn't explain why? When you tell...when you talk about soy to people, everyone says, "Oh yeah, soy's healthy. Soy's healthy. It's...oh, soy, it's natural! Comes from the earth, must be good for you!" Right?
Dick: So... (sighs) Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait. Lemme ask you this.
Dick: This is an important question. Synthesizing this data that I've just learned.
Dick: If you trick your wife into drinking soy milk every day, will she get bigger tits? (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Um, it's possible, Dick.
Dick: Or convince her? Like whatever, your girlfriend?
Maddox: I don't know, man.
Dick: If a GUY can grow tits, imagine...
Maddox: Well, it increases her levels of estrogen, and that's not necessarily a good thing.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Because estrogen is a hormone that...with it comes a big bundle of baggage.
Dick: Oh yeah, the crying and the movies and stuff. Okay.
Maddox: The crying and the movies, right. Uh, which...if there was something that you could give people to not cry during movies, you'd be a millionaire.
Dick: That's five across the eyes. (both laugh)
Maddox: Package it, buddy! "You want some popcorn?"
Dick: "Dick Masterson's Five Across The Eyes." Just a can that you open and a hand comes outta nowhere and slaps. (laughing)
Maddox: "Oh, let's see, let's see. I'll have the small popcorn, I'll get a large Mr. Pibb, and uh, gimme a Five Across The Eyes."
Dick: "Five Across The Eyes for the lady, sir."
Maddox: Yeah. For the... (cracks up) For the lady. And one for the kid across his mouth. Um... (laughs) So this is the foundation of most vegetarian and vegan diets, soy. Right?
Dick: Soy, yeah.
Maddox: And supposedly it can reduce the risk of heart disease, according to an FDA study from 1999, but unfortunately soy also has side effects. In large doses, soy can increase the risk of cystic fibrosis. Soy milk can interfere with the way children with cystic fibrosis process protein, which is really dangerous.
Dick: What is that? What organ is that? The heart, the butt...? (Sean laughs in the background) What's cystic fibrosis? (cracking up) That's a real question! I don't know what it is.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, man.
Maddox: It's a...it's one of those things that's like -
Dick: (interjects) It will fiber your cysts.
Dick: So if you like your cysts, don't drink soy.
Maddox: Well, it's terrible. I know that people who have it aren't happy with it, so I don't want it.
Dick: Okay. Fair enough.
Maddox: Yeah. It's one of those things I always hear about and say, "Oh, okay, I don't want it. I don't want it." It's like Tay-Sachs disease. It's just terrible. Um, which I think it may be related, because it inhibits the way that proteins are supposed to function in your body. Like, in Tay-Sachs...I think Tay-Sachs disease is the one where fatty tissue inside your brain keeps growing as a child, and...well, it stays in your brain and the proteins that are supposed to dissolve it never accumulate properly because of a genetic disorder.
Dick: How come there's no good diseases? Like, "Oh, I got that disease that just makes your dick grow like an inch every year." Like, "Huh, pretty cool."
Maddox: Well... (chuckles)
Dick: They're all, like, your brain shuts down or your heart explodes or your emotions go outta control.
Maddox: Yeah. I think that's probably why they call them "diseases."
Dick: Yeah, just nothin' good.
Maddox: By definition. (laughing)
Dick: Nothin' good. What a shitty design.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, you could argue that mutations that, uh, that favor us genetically, like strength...extra strength or extra intelligence might be good diseases, maybe.
Dick: Yeah, I want that disease.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused) Well, it also increases the risk of certain types of breast cancer. While some studies have found that soy can protect against breast cancer, other studies have found that soy feeds certain types of breast cancer. It also increases the risk of endometrial cancer. Long-term use of soy might increase the occurrence of pre-cancerous changes in the uterus. "Endometrial" means the outside of the uterus.
Maddox: It increases the risk of kidney failure! Soy contains a large amount of the chemicals called oxalates. Oxalates are the main ingredient in kidney stones.
Dick: But are you s-...how bad is it? Is this for real? Soy is really this bad?
Maddox: Oh yeah, it's -
Dick: (interjects) I didn't know that.
Maddox: It's pretty bad s-...I mean, here's the thing: if you eat it in small amounts, just about anything is okay, but the people who eat soy are generally vegetarians and vegans. They eat it in huge amounts, and it can be...it can cause some serious problems.
Maddox: Even in Asian countries. When I went to China, people ate soy but it wasn't the staple of their meal. It was one component of a 5-course meal, maybe.
Dick: Yeah, and...well, is...tofu is soy, right?
Maddox: Tofu is soy, yeah.
Dick: So these idiots are eating entire meals of this shit?
Dick: (scoffs) Well...
Maddox: That's their -
Dick: (interjects) Way to go!
Maddox: Yeah, that's their primary source of protein.
Dick: Way to stick it to dad!
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up) (Sean chuckles in the background) Good job. Why don't you dye your hair pink some more, idiot? While you're dealing with your urinary bladder cancer! (Sean grimaces) Soy might increase the chance of getting bladder cancer.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: Hypothyroidism! There's some concern that taking soy may make things worse. It's...basically, hypothyroidism means...
Dick: You get fatter.
Maddox: ...you get an underactive thyroid. Yeah, I think so.
Maddox: Yeah, which kind of might explain why there are so many vegetarians I know who aren't fit.
Dick: They look gross, yeah!
Maddox: Yeah, they're not...they don't look toned, they don't look healthy; they look gaunt, they look sickly...
Dick: They look doughy.
Maddox: ...they're weak. Yeah, they're doughy, they're weak.
Dick: Sacks of shit.
Maddox: It increases the risk of asthma. People with asthma are more likely to be allergic to soy hulls. Now, this is...this may touch on something I mentioned a while ago, I think the episode with Whitney when you were talking about allergies.
Maddox: And I said, "Eat more honey," and I've read various studies that say some...some studies say that it can help, some studies say that it can't, but I found that there is a specific type of honey called Manuka honey -- it comes from New Zealand -- that, uh, that definitely has some correlation with reducing allergy symptoms. So if it works -
Dick: (interjects) And lemme guess, you're sellin' it at your online store? I can get a Maddox t-shirt and some special honey?
Maddox: Go to maddoxrules.com and buy my Manuka honey! Uh... (laughs) No, but uh...you know, it can work in both ways. So if you eat too much soy, the soy hulls could inflame your allergies, and if you eat honey it could try to...it could potentially diminish it, I guess.
Maddox: Hay fever! People with hay fever are more likely to be allergic to soy, and diabetes -- this is all from WebMD, by the way, which...you know, WebMD's kinda dubious as a source sometimes, so you might wanna double check some of these claims.
Dick: So are doctors!
Maddox: Well, yeah, but doctors are TRYING. They're not intentionally trying to mislead you, usually.
Maddox: Right. So soy might also increase the risk of diabetes because it lowers your blood sugar, supposedly. You have a risk of having your blood sugar lowered too much.
Dick: So it's just...the lesson is, don't be weird.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: Just do what everyone else does. Don't cram a bunch of...don't be a trailblazer. (Maddox groans) We don't need to fuck with your diet. Just eat normal stuff.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: Don't eat too...that's -
Maddox: (interjects) Dick... (laughs)
Dick: You're buzzing that?! Just be normal! Eat a little bit of this, eat a little bit of that, don't eat weird beans!
Dick: Don't eat 100% weird beans every day!
Maddox: Okay, there you go. Specific to diet, I agree with that. Absolutely.
Maddox: Yeah. Again...this is from Men's Health again. There was this doctor they quoted, Dr. Paul Cooke. He found that blood levels of soy that are comparable to those of human infants fed soy formula in mice have a shrunken thymus gland, which is a key part of the immune system, so it can inhibit your immune system. And another study in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that in a survey of over 800 adults, those who were fed soy regularly used more asthma and allergy medications in adulthood.
Maddox: So there may be some correlation between soy ingestion...but here's the thing that's really annoying about soy, Dick...
Maddox: ...is when people take soy and they sculpt it and shape it and form it into other foods that it's not.
Maddox: Don't -
Dick: (interjects) Like meat. It's not meat.
Maddox: Yeah, don't call it...don't call it a fucking burger, because it's NOT.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: It's not a tofu burger, it's not a to-...it's not a tofurkey. To-fuck you! (Sean laughs in the background) Okay?
Dick: Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: I'm tired of this shit! Don't call it "vegetarian-grade meat," because butchers don't grade their meat in terms of vegetarian standards!
Maddox: Because there is no such thing! It's not!!
Dick: Why are they allowed to do that? Like, if I go get a car, they can't say like, "Oh, it's a...it's a sports car-esque van."
Dick: Like, they ca-...you're not allowed to do that with anything else!
Dick: How come they can usurp all the meat terms...
Dick: ...for their stupid soy shit?
Maddox: They don't sell you plant-based cows!
Maddox: They don't sell you plant-based steaks! "This steak is vegetarian-grade steak."
Maddox: Because that's misleading, isn't it, fuckhole?
Dick: "This apartment feels like it has a view of the park." (Maddox laughs) "But does it?" "No."
Maddox: No! (both laugh)
Dick: That's illegal!!
Maddox: It's absolutely not what you're claiming it is.
Maddox: Stop doing that! And it's awful!
Dick: You can't hint at it either!
Maddox: No! And soy, Dick, when they...have you had any soy products? Like, um...
Dick: Yeah, I've dated stupid chicks!
Dick: And they all wanna eat vegetarian...like, it all tastes like weird peanuts and oranges to me.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles) That's...
Dick: I gotta sit there and eat it and say like, "I mean, this isn't that bad, but I just feel like I ate a buncha air."
Dick: "I feel like I ate a sponge soaked in honey."
Maddox: Yeah, I feel like I ate a buncha lies, essentially. (Dick laughs) Every time I eat soy, it's like, "What have I eaten? What have I...am I proud of myself as a man? As a human? Is this what I've evolved to...is this why I fought...my species has fought to the top of the food chain, so I can eat this fucking BEAN PASTE?!? Squares of bean paste?!"
Dick: Hey, you know what else? Massive subsidies for soy.
Dick: 70% of the value of a soy bean is paid for by the US government.
Maddox: Yeah, well...
Dick: There you go! So you're payin' for it either way! Either way, you pay taxes, you are paying for soybeans!
Maddox: Yeah, it's to...it's because we have a huge industry selling soy to Asia. To China and Japan. They buy a lot of our soy. In fact, to the point where we use it as a weapon. We use it as a tool in negotiations and bargaining. If we ever threaten them with embargoes on soy, they come around. (chuckles)
Dick: Oh, really?
Maddox: Yeah! For a long time, Japan was not...was trying not to import US beef, for some...I don't know, some reason. They didn't like -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause if we want to, we'll starve your people if you don't...? (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah, so the US -
Dick: (interjects) That's what we're doin'. (laughs)
Maddox: The US levied some taxes against soy, and I think they finally came around because it got to be too expensive. We kind of have a monopoly on soy in terms of, uh, in terms of distribution, I believe.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause we're payin' people to make it!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's tough to compete with the US government when we're -
Dick: (interjects) With free soy.
Maddox: With free soy, yeah. (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah, um...oh, and one more thing. I wanna mention this about soy. You know, a lot of vegetarians and vegans have switched to that lifestyle to avoid killing animals, but studies have found when they harvest soy, it kills billions of animals because there are lots of little rodents and critters and snakes and beavers and creatures that build their homes inside these soy fields.
Maddox: And when they get harvested, they get killed.
Maddox: This is...so billions of animals are still dying because of your diet, and the only defense I've heard of this from vegetarians? They say, "Well..."
Maddox: "...it's unintentional."
Dick: Yeah. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah, they also say it's less. It's like, "Well, okay."
Dick: Oh, it's unintentional?
Maddox: Yeah! Less, really? It's less?? First of all, it's not unintentional! When I bring it to your attention, guess what? You can no longer claim innocence!
Maddox: You can't claim ignorance because I just told you it's happening, so don't tell me it's unintentional because from this day on, it IS. And second, less? Well, by whose standards?! If I eat one less burger a year, is that enough? Who decides how few animals you can kill in order to be morally righteous, you fuck? Speaking of Social Justice Warriors, these -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, it is...the level of abstraction that people will let themselves be duped by?
Dick: Like, the real-life suspension of, um...I don't know, moral obligation?
Dick: It's always...it will always be fascinating to me, 'cause it's like you press a button to do a bad thing, right?
Dick: But if you tell the person, like, "Well, if you press the button, someone else in another room may or may not press a button," and they're like, "Oh, I'm fine with pressin' it then!"
Dick: It's like, "Well, you're st-...you're doin' it...you're still doing the bad thing! Like, why does being one more step removed make you fine with this?"
Maddox: It is a -
Dick: (interjects) How is that possible?!
Maddox: It is a very well-documented cognitive bias. There's a study by the professors...one of his names is Sun, and he wrote this about...it's called probability neglect, and it basically talks about how when a problem is abstracted enough, we don't consider it or think about it.
Maddox: So kind of like...kind of like 9/11 was on the forefront and everybody wanted to bend over backwards to stop terrorism, which is statistically...probabilistically zero.
Maddox: You have a zero chance -
Dick: (interjects) Of getting killed by a terrorist.
Maddox: Zero chance of dying by a terrorist, but a pretty significant chance of getting in a car wreck.
Maddox: We are not scrambling to make cars safer, but we are scrambling to make air travel safer because it was so visual, it was right in front of our eyes. When you don't see the problem, it's out of your mind. People worry about things they can see and feel more. They're not worried about the animals they're killing that they can't see; they're worried about their steak because they see that it's red meat, and that symbolizes that animal. It's just myopic. It's just...it's intentional delusion.
Dick: You know what? Has anybody ever done a book where they try to live...like, they try live a normal life with causing the least amount of harm possible? 'Cause you can go be a Buddhist monk.
Dick: You're not harming anybody.
Dick: Right? But is it possible to live in society? Like, what steps do you have to take to limit the amount of damage you're doing to third-world countries? You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Well, yes.
Dick: I think that would be interesting.
Dick: It's like, what you can eat? Like, "Well, I'm killin' this, I'm killin' this here, I'm killin' this here..."
Maddox: Well, it is interesting, Dick. That's...first of all, there's a branch in philosophy called the least harm principle.
Maddox: And based on the least harm principle, a professor in Oregon did a study a while back and he found that with considering the least harm principle, it is...it makes more sense to eat beef than to eat a vegetarian diet if you consider the total amount of animals that are harmed...
Maddox: ...during a vegetarian harvest, and -
Dick: (interjects) By count versus by pound.
Maddox: Yeah, by count versus pound!
Maddox: It's the more number of lives that are destroyed, that are demolished.
Dick: Of course.
Maddox: And I had farm hands email me, and they say that's absolutely true. When they pull up a critter inside their harvesters, they're not taking those out of the wheat because they sell wheat by the pound. They let the, uh, the processor worry about that. They let the processor -
Dick: (interjects) Those scumbags.
Maddox: They said they've even caught deer in their threshers and they don't take it out of the wheat because they're just selling pounds of wheat, and however they sell it doesn't matter. They're just selling volume, and in fact, there's a strategy. Sometimes they try to harvest early in the morning when the wheat is a little bit dewy, and that dew can significantly increase the amount of pounds they sell to the manufacturer, so they try to process it quickly. And then there's also a movement called the fruitarian movement, Dick.
Dick: I've heard about that.
Maddox: Now fruitarians, a lot of...first of all, I...people have been pointing it out to me for a long time, fruitarians are people who only eat fruit.
Maddox: And the extreme fruitarians only eat fruit that has dropped off of the tree, so that they don't -
Dick: (interjects) Oh my god!
Maddox: They don't even harm the tree, right? These are -
Dick: (interjects) Harm a tree??
Maddox: Yeah. These are hardcore fruitarians, (Dick sighs) and Jainists, I believe, Jainists are also like this. They believe that you shouldn't walk on grass because you might harm an innocent insect.
Maddox: So there are people who believe that, and yes, it's annoying, but I can't really impugn them for hypocrisy because they're not hypocrites. They're the one type of vegetarian or vegan or moral absolutist who is not a hypocrite. If -
Dick: (interjects) Do they wash their hands? What about the bacteria on their hands?
Maddox: Well, that's a good question, Dick.
Dick: Does it have to be an animal? Oh, I don't care!
Maddox: Again, yeah!
Dick: I don't care what they're doing!!
Maddox: They don't care about animals they kill that they can't see.
Maddox: That's essentially what it comes down to.
Dick: That's what it is. If you can't see it, it's fine.
Dick: One more problem?
Dick: Because I'm gonna speed through this.
Dick: You wanna end it here?
Maddox: Yeah, that's a -
Dick: (interjects) I got...you know what? Let's...I'm not gonna take credit for this one, but I wanna bring it in.
Dick: This'll be a joint problem.
Dick: 'Cause it's Father's Day!
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) Yeah!
Dick: This weekend! Did you know that?
Maddox: No! Shit! (laughs)
Dick: It's Father's Day. Shitty dads. Shitty dads is my...is our problem for Father's Day.
Maddox: Shitty dads, alright!
Dick: Because...and this is why: because it's real easy to...I think, not being a dad, I think it would be real easy to be a shitty dad.
Dick: Like, you bust your ass all day to make money for these fuckin' little kid monsters that you got...
Dick: ...and they NEVER appreciate it.
Dick: Like, I remember being a kid and having no conception of having to trade half of your life to support these ungrateful little spawns that you got basically fuckin' around all day, watching cartoons and doing nothing.
Maddox: Wait Dick, that sounds like a shitty KID problem, not a shitty dad problem.
Dick: No, but...no, all kids are shitty!!
Dick: They don't know anything! They don't...they know nothing, they contribute NOTHING to society, they don't help you at all, they don't even say "thank you"! They're just petulant little assholes!
Dick: That's what kids are! I think it would be so easy for a dad to...like, using myself as an example, if I cover a bar tab, I'll slap my credit card down and go, "Alright, now I better get some respect outta you motherfuckers for the whole evening."
Dick: "'Cause you see the card there, you know? I want everyone to have a good time, but I also want some respect." You can't do that as a dad!
Dick: You never get that luxury as a dad! Everybody is a fuckin' asshole all the time!!
Maddox: Yeah. Dick, why did you shit on my problem of babies, the germ of kids?!
Dick: (chuckles) Maddox, can you concentrate on the dad thing?
Maddox: No! I can't get over the fact that I have been ranting about kids and babies specifically for years, and you've been ranting about kids now for, what, MINUTES! Minutes now!
Dick: Yep! Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the nature of being a father.
Dick: You can't just say kids are...you can't say babies are the problem.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: They're not a problem, 'cause they get somethin' out of it. I don't know what dads get out of it, but I hope it's worth it.
Maddox: What dads get out of what, children? Fuck if I know, man.
Dick: The whole thing. The whole thing.
Maddox: I don't know, man. I think -
Dick: (interjects) And it would be so easy to just say, "Ah, fuck you guys. I'm gonna go...I'm gonna go do my own thing. You find...get a lawyer! Hunt me down."
Maddox: You know...
Dick: But they don't!
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: That's why I'm saying they don't, and I...God bless 'em for that, 'cause the whole world would be fucked if it was full of shitty dads.
Maddox: Well, there are a lot of shitty dads.
Dick: If there was more, we would be even more fucked.
Dick: I totally agree with you.
Maddox: No, yeah, I agree. I agree with that. I think dads probably have kids because they just at some point...and you know, some of the dads actually want kids. I don't know why. I don't know why you would want kids. I don't understand why you'd want to bring this little MONSTER into your life. Maybe to bring an heir for your fortune.
Dick: Could be!
Maddox: Like Rupert Murdoch -
Dick: (interjects) Mortality?
Maddox: Yeah. Rupert Murdoch...like, to live vicariously through your child?
Maddox: Rupert Murdoch is stepping down as the head of News Corp...
Maddox: ...and his son is taking his sh-...is filling his shoes.
Dick: Oh. (scoffing) Congratulations. Yeah, there you go.
Maddox: He's just creating a dynasty. There you go, inherited wealth! More, uh...this kid who didn't build this empire, who just inherits it, doesn't know shit except his dad, who has such an ego he wants his spawn to continue down this legacy.
Dick: Well, I think maybe that's core to all of it. Like, all you're passing...you're passing something along when you have a kid. Right? Even if it's your teachings or something that's core to you.
Maddox: You would hope so, but look at Tom Hanks' kid!
Dick: What's wrong with him?
Maddox: You know... (cracks up) Have you heard that video that the, uh, Tom Hanks' kid...I believe it's Tom Hanks.
Dick: Colin Hanks?
Maddox: Yeah, Co-...no, not Colin Hanks. He has another kid that you don't hear about.
Dick: Oh, really?
Dick: Satan Hanks? (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Colin Hanks is a cool -
Dick: (interjects) His brother? (giggling)
Maddox: I've met Colin Hanks! He's a cool dude!
Dick: Yeah! That's why I thought you were shitting on that guy. He's cool.
Maddox: No, not Colin Hanks. Colin Hanks is a cool dude, but he has another kid...uh, Colin Hanks' brother, who is, like, a white rapper?
Maddox: A wannabe... (laughs)
Dick: Backwards. (giggles) Noloc Hanks!
Maddox: No, he's a -
Dick: (interjects) He's a rapp-...? Oh, god.
Dick: The most spoiled upbringing. You're the son of Tom Hanks, right?
Maddox: Yeah, he's -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, you would hope so. Like, the nicest movie star there is.
Maddox: Chester Hanks is the guy's name, yeah.
Dick: Chester Hanks. (smiles)
Maddox: Oh, you got...I gotta play this. (brief silence) Yeah, I can't find it. Um, anyway, Chet -
Dick: (interjects) What was it?
Maddox: Chet...well, here. It's a song Tom Hanks' son has where he drops the N-word liberally -
Maddox: - and he talks about... (both laugh) Yeah.
Dick: Ah, good for you, kid!
Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)
Dick: Oh my god!
Maddox: And he talks about how he's allowed to use it. (Dick laughs more) As a white guy, as Tom Hanks'...
Dick: As Tom Hanks' kid.
Maddox: As Tom Hanks' kid. (laughing)
Dick: Do you have it? Do you have a clip?
Sean: Why, because it's hip-hop culture?
Sean: Is that his reason?
Maddox: I guess, I guess. You know, I don't understand -
Dick: (interjects) It is! I'll say it. I don't care.
Maddox: No, you won't. No, you will not. (both crack up) You will not be saying it, Dick. You will not...you will not be sayin' that on this show. (laughing) Um, yeah, he has some quotes. I'm tryin' to find these quotes...okay, I found a quote by Chet Hanks.
Dick: Oh, "Chet."
Maddox: Yeah, Chet.
Maddox: It's Chester. Chester, Chet. He calls himself Chet Hanks.
Dick: Chaz Hanks.
Maddox: Chaz... (cracks up) Yeah, Chaz Hanks.
Dick: What does he got to say about hip-hop?
Maddox: Yeah, he says, "Two types of people in this world..." (Dick laughs loudly)
Dick: I love...whenever anybody starts a sentence with that, it's like, "Yeah, it's assholes who say that and everybody else."
Maddox: Yeah. Well, he says, "...those who know exactly what it is they want and are doing everything they can to get it, and those who just wander aimlessly through life because they are scared to death of failure. I've lost a lot of so-called friends 'cuz..." -- C-U-Z -- "...they turned out to be the second. Fuck y'all hating-ass [N-words]." (Dick giggles) "I'll never stop chasing my dreams."
Dick: This is Chaz Hanks?
Dick: Tom Hanks' son said that?!
Dick: Are you sure?
Dick: Well, you know what a shitty dad would do? Just abandon that kid. Right?
Maddox: Uh-huh. (chuckling)
Dick: I mean, you look at him, you're like, "Oh, dude. How...?" You can't just fix that overnight.
Dick: He's gotta just say, "Alright, you're doin' your thing, you're finding your own way. I pray to God that you'll get over this phase of acting like a complete jackass."
Maddox: Oh, oh...hang on, hold on. I forgot to add, "#OneLifeOneGodOneLove."
Maddox: (laughs) "#OneLifeOneGodOneLove." Yeah, uh, very inspirational.
Maddox: You could put that on a t-shirt. I could almost see, like, one of those memes floating around on the Internet with Martin Luther King where he says, "Fuck y'all hating-ass [N-words], I'll never stop chasing my dream."
Dick: That's like Jaden Smith.
Maddox: So would you say Tom Hanks is a shitty dad? I mean, look at...here's the thing, Dick: how do you define a shitty dad? Because Tom Hanks has raised two sons. He may have other children, I don't know, but he has two sons. He has, uh, Chet Hanks...
Maddox: ...and Colin Hanks. Colin Hanks? Great dude!
Maddox: Super nice, he has his own acting career and he's ambitious. Right?
Maddox: Chet Hanks, on the other hand, is this wannabe -
Dick: (interjects) Sounds like kind of a jackass.
Maddox: Kind of a... (Dick laughs) Kind of a little ja-...a little...yeah.
Dick: What if it works out for him though?
Maddox: Little bit of a thug. It may!
Dick: You don't know!
Dick: You don't know!!
Maddox: I mean, his albums aren't doin' too hot.
Dick: Eh, well...
Maddox: People aren't crazy about 'em.
Dick: Maybe he's gotta find his voice still.
Dick: You know? It took George Carlin a while to find his voice.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, he made a music video where he drove around LA just recording himself on the street with his friends. Uh, while he's singing his song, his rap songs.
Maddox: No clearance, no, uh...you know, no production quality, no staff or anything like that. Just his buddy holding a GoPro, essentially.
Dick: I don't think, uh...I don't think that's the worst you could do.
Dick: As a dad.
Maddox: Well, I -
Dick: (interjects) Is Chaz Hanks.
Maddox: No, Chaz Hanks, he's not...you know, he's not so...I kinda get...everyone's kinda jumping down his throat, but I kinda get it.
Maddox: It is hip-hop culture.
Maddox: He's basically like Eminem.
Maddox: Yeah. But it's funny, uh -
Dick: (interjects) Just funny.
Dick: Because it's like, "Dude, your dad's Tom Hanks. You can't...what are you thinkin'?"
Maddox: But there are other examples, Dick, where parents can do everything right and raise two kids; one of 'em turns out to be great, the other one turns out to be a fuck-up. So how...at what point do you then turn and say, "Okay, the culpability is on this father for doing a poor job"?
Dick: What do you mean, "at what point"? I blame it on them the whole time.
Maddox: It's always their fault?
Dick: Well, they did somethin'.
Dick: I know what happened, that kid had different needs! I've said it before on this show.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: You can't...like, saying that you...saying that they raised them both the same way is impossible, 'cause there's no control. The kids take up an amount of your time which is finite in and of itself.
Maddox: Dick, I feel like there's an air of disingenuousness with this problem that you brought in because you don't have shitty dad. You can't...how can you possibly relate?
Dick: Huge advantage for me. (Maddox scoffs)
Dick: Not having a shitty dad.
Maddox: Leg up. You got the leap in life.
Dick: How can I relate to this problem?
Dick: Uh...well, gosh, I don't know!
Maddox: Well, I guess that's unfair, because there are a lot of problems we bring into this show that we can't necessarily relate to directly, but indirectly we can empathize. I get it.
Dick: Seems like it'd be a big positive force that would be missing.
Dick: Seems like a lot of these people are pissed off at their dads that are acting out.
Maddox: Yeah. I can't relate necessarily to this problem either. Uh, my dad...my dad's great!
Maddox: My dad's not a shitty dad, although not a big talker. Doesn't like to talk much.
Dick: Even better.
Maddox: Yeah. He's great!
Dick: Alright, that's it.
Maddox: Yeah. Alright Dick, my problems this week...well, my *problem* this week was Soy. (closing riff starts) And that's it. (chuckles)
Dick: My problems are Social Justice Warriors and Shitty Dads.
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, Rayne from Austin callin' in again. Uh, Maddox, your problems from Episode 56...um, Honor Killings: great problem. High Heels: bullshit.
Voicemail: What is that? That's not even a problem. I'm with Sean. I think they're sexy. (Dick and Maddox laugh) They're like a magic potion that turns a 7 into an 8. (Maddox laughs more) I don't even know what your problem is. I think you're just all fucked up 'cause you didn't have sex in high school.
Maddox: Hah, great.
Voicemail: Seriously buddy, you really missed out on that. That, uh...that's a bummer. Missed out on that sweet, sweet fruit (everyone cracks up) that is high school pussy. Anyway, get raped.
(Maddox still laughing)
Dick: Who started that?
Maddox: What an asshole. That guy doesn't know shit about anything! First of all, you think high heels are so sexy, why are you wearing 'em all the time? Hm?
Dick: Why is that guy wearing 'em all the time?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: They're not like a magic potion that turns a 7 into an 8, dude. Trust me. Like...
Dick: But that's why they wear them.
Maddox: They turn, like, a 7 into a 7.1.
Dick: That's still...the scale is logarithmic, so that's a big jump!
Maddox: Well... (chuckling) I don't know, man. (stammers) A 7 and a 7.1 to me is a toss-up.
Maddox: You got this, uh...7's not too bad. We're talkin' about, like, 5's. And by the way, the ones who are wearing them who can't ARE the 5's. They're the ones who put the high heels on, their feet start to ache and they take them off early during the night.
Dick: Ah, I don't know about that. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey, what's up guys? This is, uh, Pope Francis calling from Vatican City. I'm just responding to Dick's claim a couple episodes ago that sex in high school is the best sex you'll ever have. Um, well, according to the Kinsey Institute, which studies sexual...sexual research, your...a woman is least likely to orgasm the younger she is, and the least likely time is under 20.
Voicemail: And simultaneously, a guy is most likely to experience premature ejaculation when he's -- guess what -- under 20.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Voicemail: So Dick's idea of amazing sex is when a girl doesn't cum at all and he cums quickly, so um...you know, I'm gonna read a chapter of the Bible, John 5:18: "And Jesus spoke unto the people, 'Dick, go fuck yourself.'"
Maddox: (laughs tauntingly) It's in the Bible.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Read it and weep, sucker! Yeah, that's right. Chicks in high school, chicks under age 20, generally don't have orgasms. They don't understand...they haven't had enough experience. They don't know their bodies well enough, and they've just had sex with a bunch of bozos like you, Dick, in high school who don't know what the fuck they're doing!!
Dick: Well, alright. If it's...if that's what the research says.
Maddox: That's... (cracks up) SCIENCE says that.
Dick: That's what science says. (smiles) [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): I'm sending a third voicemail because I just realized that Maddox will never find pregnancy as a problem because you cannot get a bag of sand pregnant. (Dick and Maddox giggle) Way to go, buddy. Uhhh, fuck off!!
Dick: There's a follow-up to that one.
Dick: Somebody else, though. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, this is a bag of sand. (everyone laughs) I just wanted to call and apologize to Maddox...
Maddox: "This is how I talk."
Voicemail: ...for getting my contents stuck all over up inside his vagina.
Dick: Ohhh. (smiling) (Maddox still laughing)
Voicemail: It's clear from listening to him bitch about tiny little non-problems...
Maddox: Oh yeah, ME.
Voicemail: ...that it has aggravated and irritated his tender, tender lady skin, and I'm sorry.
Dick: Oh, soy was a big problem!
Dick: Soy. I thought soy was a big problem.
Maddox: Soy was a big problem, asshole! This piece of shit, callin' me...I'm tired of the "bag of sand" comments! (Dick laughs loudly) And by the way, I forgot what the Starlord thing came from! Why are you guys callin' me Starlord? I forgot why. (grins)
Dick: Uh...oh, somebody called in and said that you sounded like the kid Quill at the beginning of the movie...
Maddox: Alright. (laughing) Okay.
Dick: ...who was, like, immersed in this virtual world and he didn't understand what was goin' on with his mom.
Dick: And so he said, "That's you, Maddox. You're the Starlord."
Maddox: Oh, I'll... (laughs) I'll wear that with honor, my friends! And I grew up to be an intergalactic space pirate. Fuck you, that's cool!
Dick: Who goes on cool adventures that are fun to watch, right?
Maddox: Eh, they're not fun. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Dick: Alllright. (giggling)
Maddox: They're not fun!
Dick: Fuck you. (Maddox laughs) Oh, this one...I give this kid an 'A' for effort, but he has to work on his material. [ plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, how's it goin'? This is Dick's nephew. (Maddox chuckles) Although I'm only like a week old, I just wanted to chime in on Episode 56 and agree that pregnancy does fuckin' suck, man. I was in there for 9 months. Shit BLOWS. You know? Constantly poked in the head every Wednesday and Friday night. (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly) Really hurts. Yeah, so, uh...so fuck condoms, and vote up Abortion.
Dick: Ohoho, my WORD.
Voicemail: (inaudible) ...Uncle Dick.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Cool! (laughs more) Smart.