The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 56
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Audible! Please visit http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audiobook download.
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Welcome back, Episode 56! Guys, last week, I learned something about our fans. I learned that many of them live in the Dust Bowl. Where do you guys live that you're encountering so many tractors all the time?
Dick: Maddox, in the little place between LA and New York, that's called America! What do you mean?
Maddox: The Depression-era Midwest?? How many...I've BEEN to...I've been there! I grew up in Utah! I didn't even encounter that many tractors and I had it 5 times on my fuckin' written test!
Dick: Did they farm anything in Utah though?
Maddox: Yeah, ass!
Dick: (cracks up) Sean, is that true? (Maddox laughs) Do they farm any ass in Utah at all?
Sean: I looked high and low, and there was no ass to be found in Utah. (Dick laughs)
Dick: I bet you looked HIGH. (cackles)
Maddox: Did you check every...did you check every crack? (giggles)
Dick: Ah, good one! Here's the thing why. Here's why that was supported: because all you have to do is encounter one or two. Like, these guys driving in small dirt roads from one place to another in the middle of America, they just encounter one tractor a year, man. And, AND, they were extra passionate because that motherfucker can drive on the side of the road. That tractor can drive in the grass. DRIVE OVER YOUR CROPS!! Stay off the road!
Maddox: Oh, man.
Dick: That's why.
Maddox: Nail you to a cross. (Dick laughs) What a crybaby. It's like these minor inconveniences while you're driving, tractors and cyclists.
Maddox: Which, by the way, I take real umbrage with.
Maddox: 'Cause... (stammers) Your attitude toward cyclists, uh...which, by the way, thank God the ent-...everybody disagreed with you. Your problem was voted all to SHIT. But um, your attitude -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, was it? To shit?
Maddox: Your vo-...your attitude about cyclists is potentially lethal toward cyclists. Like, if cars start -
Dick: (interjects) Oooo.
Maddox: If cars start acting hostile toward cyclists, it could mean our lives, you know?
Maddox: Whereas...whereas a fender bender for a car might not mean anything.
Dick: Yeah. True.
Dick: What's your point?
Maddox: But when cars start driving aggressively with cyclists, you're gonna see higher fatalities. When cyc-...my point is, these are minor inconveniences. Go around them.
Dick: You can't though, 'cause they take up the entire road!
Maddox: Well, s-...what kind of tractors...what are you, following a wheat harvester? What are -
Dick: (interjects) Big tractors, man! These big tractors gotta get around! (Maddox laughs) They gotta get from one farm to the other!
Maddox: Where are you driving?
Dick: They got a big fat ass that they gotta truck down the road!
Maddox: I'm sorry Dick, where are you driving that you need to be in such a hurry that you're driving through farmland?
Dick: (cracking up) I...I don't know. (Maddox laughs) It never...like I said, it's never even happened to me.
Dick: Just my cousin's a big listener, brought it in.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: And it got alotta support!
Dick: Some people even sent pictures. I don't have any on me right now.
Maddox: Well, the top problem from last week was Pregnancy, followed by Tractors Pulling Out In Front Of You, 'cause I guess you guys all live in the Dust Bowl. (Dick giggles) And then Speech Recognition, and then Pizza Snobs.
Maddox: Yeah. I got a message, Dick. I got a message AND an email. The guy commented in the message area, and then he thought that wasn't enough and he emailed me too, right before we started this show.
Dick: I do like when they do that.
Maddox: Yeah! Josh Gorman. He says, "Being from New York, I was a pizza snob until I moved to Italy." 'Kay? He WAS a pizza snob.
Maddox: Then he moved to Italy and stopped being one. "Been here for 2 years and I can confidently call Maddox an idiot." (Sean laughs in the background) Sounds like someone who's no longer a pizza snob. "If you go into any mom and pop's Italian restaurant, both in large cities and small communities, the first thing on every menu is a Margherita pizza. Do you know what that is? IT'S... " -- and this is all in caps -- "...A PLAIN CHEESE PIZZA. The second thing? Quattro formaggi, a 4-cheese pizza." And then again in caps, "PIZZA DOES NOT HAVE TO CONTAIN MORE INGREDIENTS THAN JUST CHEESE!!" (stupid voice) and two exclamation marks. "Just because you have been somewhere for a few days does not make you an expert on other cultures. My opinion for the best pizza is Granada pizza: salami and Philadelphia cream cheese." Barf, that sounds gross.
Dick: Uh, cream cheese?
Maddox: Cream cheese on a pizza?
Dick: And salami? That sounds pretty good!
Maddox: I'll take the salami, but cream cheese -
Dick: (interjects) But not bread?
Maddox: Cream cheese seems like it would melt and it would be, uh...it's almost, like, sweet. Cream cheese.
Maddox: So I replied to him. I said, "Oh, a New Yorker has a strong opinion about which pizza is good? Quattro Formaggi = 4 cheese, not just one or two, dickhead, and I'm pretty sure that American and Cheddar cheese don't make the cut on that list."
Dick: So what are you...is this a pizza snob war that you're having with this guy online?
Maddox: No, it's just, this is it! You asked last episode where are all these pizza snobs, right?
Dick: I'm lookin' at one.
Maddox: No. (laughs)
Dick: Well, Maddox, I...so when you brought this in, I asked you if you were gonna proceed to be a pizza snob on the...on the episode, right?
Dick: 'Cause you do that.
Dick: You do tend to do that. Audiophiles...
Maddox: You SAY that.
Dick: ...you brought in...you brought in audiophiles, and then you proceeded to be an audiophile...
Maddox: Did not!
Dick: ...by saying vinyl is shit compared to *your* favorite.
Maddox: That...it is objectively shit.
Dick: Okay. (sighing)
Maddox: There is no argument there!
Maddox: Absolutely! Like, science...there is science to back up what I'm saying.
Dick: (chuckles) Okay. Then you brought in... (Maddox laughs) Then you brought in something about know-it-all parents...or first-time parents.
Dick: Then you proceeded to tell everyone how to parent their kids.
Maddox: No I didn't! When did I say that?
Dick: Then you brought in armchair economists... (smiles)
Dick: ...and you proceeded to, for 4 episodes, economize. (Maddox laughs) From, uh, from a folding chair.
Maddox: Ohh, I hate economists so much, man. (Dick laughs) They're so fulla shit.
Dick: So I asked you if you were gonna be a pizza snob and you said "no"...
Dick: ...and then I listened very intently, 'cause I figured you would be.
Dick: But you weren't!
Dick: In my estimation.
Maddox: Thank you!
Dick: However, somebody sent in some...Sean, can you crank the volume down for this? Like, cut it in half. I'm gonna play a theme song. [ plays "Maddox Versus Maddox" intro]
(upbeat 8-bit theme music)
Male singer (pitched down): Consistency is difficult and so are math degrees
Dick: You know this song, right?
Maddox: YES. (annoyed)
Male singer (pitched down): He makes love to his principles with randomosity
Maddox: It's SHIT.
Dick: It's a good song!
Maddox: No! I didn't even get it the first time! (Dick laughs)
Male singer (pitched down): Everyone's seen Dick at work fighting man-to-man
Dick: You gotta listen to the lyrics. That's why.
Maddox: Sounds like Pac-Man.
Dick: Yeah! (smiling)
Male singer (pitched down): But self-defeat can be such a treat
No excuses for the one who can't take the heat
Do some research on yourself before you speak to me
It's Maddox versus Maddox!
Dick: Did you hear that part?
Maddox: Yeah, I heard that. (sullen)
Dick: 'Kay. People are sending these in. I just want you...I wanna give you the chance to respond to these.
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: So this was a quote...this was a quote from you.
Maddox: 'Kay. [Dick plays clip from Episode 55]
Maddox: How about this for ruining the fun? A fuckin' pizza snob who won't shut the fuck up and let you eat your meal.
Dick: Okay, then this is a quote from your, uh, YouTube video...
Dick: ...about pizza.
Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays first Maddox YouTube clip]
Maddox: Pepperoni is a topping for assholes and idiots.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs more)
Dick: So the first one is, "...that won't shut the fuck up and let you eat your pizza," and then "Pepperoni is for assholes..."
Dick: So are you an asshole and an idiot for wanting pepperoni on your pizza?
Maddox: You are for wanting pepperoni on your pizza.
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Maddox: Pepperoni is for assholes...
Maddox: ...and idiots. Okay? First of all, assholes, because they will... (stammers) People who eat pepperoni ONLY eat pepperoni.
Maddox: And they will cry and bitch and moan if they don't get their precious fuckin' pepperoni-only pizza!
Maddox: They're a separate, distinct category from plain cheese dipshits. The pepperoni people love their pepperoni so much and they insist on shoving it down everyone's throat, and then they're IDIOTS (Dick and Sean laugh) because it's a shitty ingredient and they know it and they can't even fuckin'...there's so much cognitive dissonance going on that they don't even realize what a shitty ingredient it is when they have to take the paper towels and blot entire standing pools of grease!
Sean: What if they just fucking like pepperoni?
Dick: Yeah, what about that?
Maddox: I...I don't believe they do! I don't -
Sean: (interjects) It tastes good! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: I -
Dick: (interjects) It tastes very good! Pepperoni's great! (smiling)
Maddox: There are co-
Sean: (interjects) It gets all crispy at the edges.
Maddox: (hesitates) Pepperoni is a made-up, bullshit ingredient. (Dick scoffs and laughs) It's not a real...it's not a real thing.
Dick: Alright, alright. (chuckles) Alright.
Maddox: Was that snobby, what I just said?
Maddox: I don't give a SHIT!
Dick: Very snobby! Here's #2.
Maddox: Great. [Dick plays second Maddox YouTube clip]
Maddox: If you're going to a pizza party where there will be more than 4 people, you're guaranteed to have shitty pizza because some crybaby always has to order plain cheese or plain pepperoni.
Dick: Okay, that's from your video.
Dick: And then we get...that was about you complaining about what is at a...a party, right?
Maddox: People who order pepperoni at parties, yeah.
Dick: Okay, here we go. (laughing) [plays next clip from Episode 55]
Maddox: I will run into just strangers who come to your land and they're just BITCHING about the pizza!
Dick: That's you!!
Dick: That's you, you're bitching about what pizza is available at a party!
Maddox: No! I just won't eat it! I don't care. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Order your pizza! Have your fun fuckin' pizza party! Why don't you shove it up your ass?
Sean: I'll just post about it. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: No, you know what, man?
Dick: Oh, what, what, what?
Maddox: Here's the thing.
Dick: Here's the thing. (amused)
Maddox: I went to a pizza party last night, no joke, and my friend asked me what -
Dick: (interjects) At an elementary school? (cracking up)
Maddox: My friend asked me what I wanted on my pizza, and I told her, "I'll eat anything but pepperoni," and then I followed up with a text message 'cause I thought, "That's kind of a bitchy...bitchy, uh, text."
Dick: It's a VERY bitchy -
Maddox: (interjects) So then I said...then I said, "You know what? Fuck it. I'll even eat pepperoni. I don't care."
Dick: Eh, I think you poisoned the well already though.
Dick: With the first comment.
Maddox: Well, they still had pepperoni on the pizza, 'cause everyone's fuckin' addicted to it.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause everyone lo-... (sighs) Alright. Next.
Maddox: Shhhhit. (Sean snickering in the background) [Dick plays next clip from Episode 55]
Maddox: You know, I just have a question to all pizza snobs out there, and you know who you are. You know! You think you're not one, but you are.
(Dick skips ahead)
Maddox: I'm so fucking tired of pizza snobs, man.
Dick: Alright, one more. [plays third Maddox YouTube clip]
Maddox: Pepperoni is the shittiest topping you can put on pizza next to no topping.
Dick: I think you already said that.
Dick: So you're...yeah. You're -
Maddox: (interjects) It's the shittiest topping.
Maddox: Um, it...look man, the meat is cured. It's the cheapest, shittiest meat that could possibly be put on there. The oil to meat ratio in pepperoni is 3 to 0. It's all oil.
Dick: What?? Who the fuck cares about math with the pepperonis? It's either good or it's not!
Maddox: It's not!
Maddox: It's all oily, man! Look, the pe-...the only thing that flavors pepperoni is a little bit of pepper. If you want pepper, add fuckin' pepper to your pizza!
Dick: Alright. Alright, alright, alright. Uh, let's -
Maddox: (interjects) How about spicy salami? There's an ingredient.
Dick: I don't wanna talk about this for 4 episodes.
Dick: You want another voicemail?
Dick: This one's about the winning topic from last week, pregnancy.
Maddox: Didn't have one. (quietly) [Dick plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (female caller): Hi, Maddox and Dick. I would really like to thank you guys, uh, especially Dick, for bringing in the problem of pregnancy in Episode 55, and I'd like to thank Maddox for bringing, um... (Dick chuckles) ...in Bonus Episode Solution 4, uh, bringing in...
Voicemail: ...abortion as a solution, because I was pregnant earlier this year...
Maddox: C'mon, baby! (smiling) (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: ...and I was very sick most of the time.
Dick: Don't root for it!
Maddox: Abort! (grinning)
Dick: That's horrible. (laughing)
Voicemail: I was in bed 20 hours a day and I spent most of the time lying around catching up on the podcast, and you guys were the only thing that made me smile. ..
Voicemail: ...when I was lying there mostly wanting to die. (Maddox snickers) And I ended up having an abortion.
Maddox: YEHEHEHEEEAH! Woo!! (giggling) ('ding!' sound effect)
Maddox: Yeeeah. (clapping sound effect)
Voicemail: Uh, you guys also helped me through that by making me smile through the pain and...uh, you know, get relaxed before I went in for the procedure and whatnot.
Dick: The last thing she heard before that abortion was your voice. (Maddox laughs)
Voicemail: So I really wanna thank you guys because you two were there for me during a very hard time, and it was nice to see Dick open up, uh, about...I thought this was gonna be some misogynistic problem about how pregnancy makes a woman less fuckable or something, but I was really...
Dick: Apparently we learned it does the opposite, with THIS guy. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Voicemail: ...I was really proud of you, Dick, for being a very empathetic person about this, and um...yeah, that's about it! I may send you guys, like, a care package or something sometime in the future...
Maddox: Send us... (cracks up) Send us the abortion! (laughs loudly)
Voicemail: ...uh, 'cause I appreciate it so much. You guys, uh, were the only thing that made me smile during the hardest time in my life.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) (Dick chuckles) Smart.
Voicemail: So thanks, and uh, congratulations on a year plus of your show! Goodbye.
Dick: Thank you!
Maddox: Ah! (sighing) So...
Dick: Why don't...instead of a care package, why don't you come out and care for our package? (slyly) You know what... (breaks down laughing)
Maddox: Oh my god. (exasperated) And there it is! You can't take -
Dick: (interjects) Me?! You're cheering for her ABORTION!
Maddox: Yeah, she had it! That was her decision, and I'm supporting it.
Dick: Alright. (scoffing)
Maddox: You think it...you think it was -
Dick: (interjects) I think there might be something more to it. I think there might've been complications involved.
Dick: That led to it, 'cause she said she was very sick for several weeks.
Maddox: Now who's the pessimist? Yeah, you get sick when you have a baby, 'cause those things fuck up your...your digestion and everything, man! For MONTHS you get nausea.
Dick: Well, it's a big problem.
Maddox: Yeah, it's a big problem! I'm glad...look man, you get...look, I want every listener who gets an abortion to go vote up Abortions on the Solutions page.
Maddox: We need to make sure that the history books reflect that it is a solution.
Dick: Okay. Uh, I got some...do you have comments you wanna read?
Maddox: Yeah, I got a comment from Lauren A.J. Kirby. She says, "Re: voicemail about high school sex at the end of the episode, if you guys want to settle the debate about whether or not high school sex sucks, you should just poll women and ask how many were having orgasms in high school. It gets better with age for the fairer sex." That's what she says.
Dick: Yeah, but a lot of women don't have orgasms 'cause it's in their head.
Maddox: Yeah, because they have had a lot of shitty sex in high school and they're kind of set up. They set themselves up for failure later on in life.
Dick: By having sex in high school?
Dick: So you're advising high-school-aged women to not have sex? (cracking up)
Maddox: Abstain. Yeah, abstain. (Dick scoffs)
Dick: Thank you, Starlord! (Maddox giggles) The killer of fun! "Attention high school girls: do not put out!" That's...put it on your tombstone! (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: Man, whatever. It's gonna be sloppy, shitty sex anyway. Who cares? Go ahead and have your...your...you know, they just sit there quivering like chihuahuas, high schoolers! They're the worst!
Dick: That's what high school sex is?
Maddox: Yeah!! Just a buncha, "Oh, what do I do? Is this okay? Am I...am I alright? Do you like too much teeth?" (nervous voice) I'm like, "Yeah man, it's always too much teeth!"
Dick: (chuckles) Alright.
Maddox: "Lady!" (laughs)
Dick: Did you say "alright, man"?
Maddox: Yeah. (giggling)
Dick: It's always too much teeth? (amused) (Maddox laughing really hard) Oh, wow. You are in a silly mood again today!
Dick: I got another one from, uh, Prince McGhee. This is about the Street Fighter fight, which you are chickening out of.
Maddox: Ugh. Oh my gosh.
Dick: "Maddox, I can assure you FightCade can't be hacked." An online service that lets you fight people.
Dick: Right? On Street Fighter.
Dick: "That has never happened. Just accept the FightCade challenge." (Maddox chuckles) Um, and then Chris Pucknell has this to say: "Bawk bawk bawk."
Dick: I think he's onto something with that.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, Fight-
Dick: (interjects) Oh, but before you respond...
Dick: ...I have a letter from the challenger.
Dick: Do you want me to read it?
Maddox: No, I...
Dick: "Dick, from what I gathered in Episode 54 of the podcast, Maddox wants to play Street Fighter 2 Alpha Gold Edition in an arcade. There are a couple problems with that. First off, I severely doubt Maddox will be able to find an arcade cabinet of Alpha 2 Gold as it was a limited release in Japanese arcades."
Maddox: There was an American release too, dipshit.
Dick: Okay! Point-counterpoint.
Maddox: Mhm. (laughs)
Dick: "Second, we wouldn't be able to live stream on Twitch using a cabinet. I figure Maddox to be the type who wants to show off his supposed Street Fighter prowess to the world and make an example of me...or at least try."
Dick: He shoulda said "or die trying" there. That would've been funnier. (Maddox laughs) "Here's what I'm thinking as a counter-counter-proposal: Classic Street Fighter Alpha 2 using MAME locally." Would you be amenable to that?
Maddox: Why MAME?! Why are we using MAME? I don't want...I don't like to play on emulators.
Dick: So cabinet only for you?
Maddox: Why...yeah! Why not...why is it such a weird universe we live in where we don't wanna play on a cabinet? That's the way it was intended! So when you go to Twin Galaxies and you wanna watch a Donkey Kong tournament championship, they're not playing on emulators, dickhead! They're playing on verified, certified boards of Donkey Kong because people manipulate and tinker with these things. They found that even if you put a little dab of gum on the circuit board, it can slow down the processor a little bit and give you an advantage! That's what people were doing! That's why it's important to have this thing be legitimate.
Maddox: We should do it at Twin Galaxies!
Dick: Oh, that's a...that's a long way for everybody, and uh, I don't wanna go there at all. (Maddox and Sean laugh) "Now for Maddox's question 'what's the purse?'" You were asking what the purse was. "I can't go into specifics right now. All I can say is that I'm working on procuring a prize that any Street Fighter fan would cherish. I'll send an update on that within the next few weeks."
Maddox: You know, Dick? If it comes down to it, I will practice night and day, and I will make sure that I am the best player of Street Fighter Alpha in the world.
Maddox: I will forgo my book deadline.
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling)
Maddox: I will neglect my family, my friends, my responsibilities, my BILLS out of spite to prove I am the best Street Fighter Alpha champion in the world.
Dick: Well, I wanna see that. I believe in you.
Maddox: Well...I mean, we'll see!
Dick: Well, he says he'll update us, "...that is assuming Maddox didn't bring in horses as a problem this week, as we're past due for another Noah's Ark problem."
Maddox: Shut up. (Dick chuckles)
Dick: Ah, there you go.
Maddox: Think you're so clever! (yelling)
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Tired of that guy.
Maddox: Um, I got a comment from Deus X. Machina. He says, "Joke's on you guys. Second trimester sex is the best. She's past most of the sickness and she's not too huge to be uncomfortable...and she's incredibly horny." (fart sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: I got a voicemail like that. You wanna hear it?
Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, Dick. This is Sam. Uh, as somebody who has had sex with a pregnant woman on several occasions, I can tell you it's pretty awesome...
Maddox: Yeah. (sounds irritated)
Voicemail: ...because pregnant women, their hormone levels are way up, which means they're horny all the time. Plus their tits shoot out milk, and that's pretty cool too! (Maddox snorts and laughs) (Dick giggles) WAY cooler than havin' sex with a high schooler. And Dick, go fuck yourself. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: He said that so tenderly.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning) I like that he says it's "cooler."
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Not like "it's hot," but "it's cool."
Maddox: It's cool! (Dick guffaws) I mean, that's another thing that squirts. Why not? I want all the things squirting during sex. That'd be fun. (Sean giggling in the background) Um, you know Dick, a lot of people called me out in the comments. They said that my...I said...I don't know, I made some off-color remark about having sex with pregnant women last episode and they said it was kinda creepy. I'm not -
Dick: (interjects) Off-color, 'cause you wanted to have sex with the fetus as well.
Maddox: Okay. (laughs) I didn't say...that was a joke. That was an ongoing joke in high school that my friends had. But, um -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, what...okay.
Dick: So you didn't actually wanna do that?
Maddox: No, of course not, man!
Dick: It was just a joke? Alright.
Maddox: I've never been into pregnant chicks. Um, but it is a genre of porn. I don't know why everyone's freaked out about it, because there is a very popular genre of porn; it's preggo porn. There's a ton of it on there.
Maddox: It's a...there's a ton online. It's not even up for debate whether or not pregnant women have sex or like to have sex. They do, clearly. There's the genre.
Dick: Did you bring it in? Or are you just -
Maddox: (interjects) No, I'm not playing a clip of preggo porn, Dick! (cracking up) I got a comment from Michael Fuji. He says, "Sean's burns are getting better every week." And Chris Pucknell says, "lol both of Dick's problems involved pulling out." (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (Sean chuckles in the background) Either I...I think I might've stolen that from him and put it on Twitter.
Maddox: One last comment from Konor Jonasson. He says, "I really wish Maddox and Dick would shut the hell up for the fan-made sections where they have clips of their own voice, that way I could figure out which Dick I'm telling to go fuck himself!"
Dick: Oh. Alright.
Maddox: That's all I got. Wanna get to the problems?
Dick: Yeah. Um, why don't you go first? I have a feeling mine's gonna take way too long.
Maddox: Great! I have some serious problems this week, Dick, starting off with high heels!
Maddox: High heels! Sean looks surprised. You look really surprised, Sean.
Sean: I like high heels.
Maddox: Okay! (laughs)
Dick: Who doesn't?
Maddox: What do you like -
Sean: (interjects) Not to WEAR.
Maddox: What do you like the most about wearing them? (laughing) (Sean smirks)
Sean: Very good.
Sean: I think they're sexy as hell!
Dick: Of course they are.
Maddox: They've done studies. They found that, uh, that men are turned on by women who wear high heels. Um...
Dick: Of course!
Maddox: Because it kind of...
Dick: Accentuates their calf.
Maddox: Is that...is that what it is?
Dick: Yeah, that's why. Yeah, because they have to walk with that muscle tight. It'd be like a dude walking around just always flexing, you know?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, in theory they're great. In practice, however, 1 in 10 women wear high heels at least 3 days a week and a third have fallen while wearing them. (chuckles)
Maddox: This is according to Osteopathic.org. It's an osteo-...pathic website.
Dick: Uh-huh. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Uh... (cracks up) "Statistics show that high heels are one of the biggest factors leading to foot problems in women, with up to a third suffering permanent problems as a result of prolonged wear."
Dick: It's hard bein' a chick, man. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Gotta suffer for that beauty.
Maddox: These poor ladies. High heels are considered any shoe with a heel 2 inches or higher. It causes your foot to slide forward into the unnatural shape of the shoe, so you lean back to compensate for weird forward tilting of your feet, which can strain your knees, hips and lower back. And here are some of the problems that high heels can cause: ingrown toenails, irreversible damage to leg tendons, nerve damage in your toes and feet by cramming them into a tight space, bunions, overworked leg muscles, osteoarthritis of the knee, plantar fasciitis...that's jogger's heel -
Dick: (interjects) Plantar fasciitis.
Maddox: "Fasciitis"? Is that what it is?
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Alright. Jogger's heel, which results in pain in the heel. And here's the biggest problem, I think, with, uh...with high heels. Other than, you know, the irreversible damage. Um, chicks take them off at the end of the night and walk around barefoot.
Maddox: And it's disgusting.
Dick: No class at all.
Maddox: No class!
Dick: No class at all. (smiles)
Maddox: You know what, man? I've dated girls and I've known girls who wear high heels all the time, and they can rock it.
Maddox: They are comfortable in it. I asked them all the time; I said, "Are your feet hurting?" because that's the...that's the #1 thing women say when they're wearing high heels. "Oh, I can't believe how much my feet hurt! Oh, my feet, my feet, my feet!" (nasal voice) Well, then take off the fuckin' heels and don't wear them!
Maddox: But the women who can wear them rock them, right? But that's a very small minority of women. The majority wear 'em out to the dance club, get tired and their feet start to ache, and so they take 'em off and carry 'em around like a second purse while they're walkin' around barefoot on the filthy, disgusting floors, dragging their disgusting, gnarled toes through loogies... (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Oh my goodness! (cringing)
Maddox: ...and heroin needles.
Dick: Heroin needles?! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, and dog feces!
Dick: Where is this??
Maddox: Hollywood, man! (Dick laughs)
Dick: Heroin needles. (Sean laughing in the background)
Maddox: I've... (cracks up) I've -
Dick: (interjects) I've never seen a heroin needle. I live there.
Maddox: I have pictures of two heroin needles on my phone right now that I saw in the streets.
Maddox: Yeah. This is disgusting, and by the end of the night their foot has accrued this...this, uh, nasty -
Dick: (interjects) Human filth and grime.
Maddox: It's like this gray...foot butter.
Dick: Oh... (repulsed)
Maddox: (cracks up) That they get from walkin' around barefoot like disgusting cave women. It's the gr...it's the worst, man. Look, you know what looks sexier -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but you don't have to worry about that!
Maddox: Of course I do, if it's my date! (Dick guffaws) I don't want her draggin' her disgusting, like, gr-...
Dick: Maddox, please.
Maddox: ...gray feet into my car!
Dick: Is that...did that happen to you recently?
Maddox: Or on my bike handles! Um...what?
Dick: Did this happen to you recently, that you took some girl out and she walked home with her high heels off after the club?
Maddox: Oh no, man. I don't...I don't date girls like that.
Maddox: But I've seen it -
Dick: (interjects) So it's not a problem for you, but it's a problem for a lot of guys then, maybe.
Maddox: Well, yeah! I've also brought in AIDS. That's not a problem for me, but it is a PROBLEM, yeah.
Dick: I'm just asking! I'm... (chuckles)
Maddox: No, no.
Dick: I asked why it was a problem for you and you said you had to bring 'em home, so I said, "When did that happen?"
Maddox: No. Um...
Dick: And you said "never."
Maddox: No, it ha-...it has happened once, I think, in Mexico. Uh, Sean, you mentioned at the top of this problem that you thought that women who wear high heels are sexy. You know what's sexier than women who wear high heels, is women who don't have gray feet. I think...right?? Am I crazy in saying that women who don't have gray feet -
Dick: (interjects) I think you have a thing with dirt though, because you're also disgusted by my flip flop sandals, which I wear...all the time. You've made comments to me; in wearing those shoes, my feet must inherently be covered with filth.
Dick: Like, from walking around town wearing sandals.
Maddox: I don't remember sayin' that. Have I said that?
Maddox: Are you sure it's me?
Dick: Yes, yes, you have. Do you think it's disgusting, my flip flop sandals?
Maddox: Nah, I don't...
Dick: Like, do you think flip flop sandals are gross?
Maddox: I don't...no, I don't particularly have a problem with flip flops.
Dick: Okay, okay.
Maddox: There is a time and a place for 'em.
Dick: I could be wrong.
Maddox: Yeah. No, no, I don't...I wear flip flops sometimes. Um, you do wear goofy footwear though, Dick.
Dick: How's this?
Maddox: Last week when we were recording, I couldn't...I kept staring at your feet! You were wearing some kind of, like, house slipper.
Dick: Yes, they were house slippers. (Maddox spits out laughing)
Maddox: Okay! (laughs more)
Dick: Is there a problem with wearing Ugg house slippers?
Maddox: They were Ugg house slippers?
Dick: Yes, they were!
Maddox: Great. You know what the problem is, is you're covering your feet in sheep's wool, and -
Dick: (interjects) That's not a PROBLEM, that's a...it's great! Feels great! Comfortable.
Maddox: It's like the sweat of human feet mixed with sheep wool. That can't...smell good.
Dick: (cracks up) I don't...do you wanna smell 'em?
Maddox: No! (laughs)
Dick: Is that what you're asking?
Dick: So women have gross feet? High heels make gross feet?
Maddox: High heels make gross feet, they cause damage...they're a big problem.
Dick: Yeah, I'm...I'm into that damage thing. Um...
Maddox: Oho, of course.
Dick: The last...nonono, I mean the last girl I dated wore them almost exclusively. Like, she wore those gigantic platforms around.
Maddox: She could rock 'em!
Dick: Well... (sighs) Um...
Maddox: No? (chuckling)
Dick: I mean, she coulda done a couple squats.
Maddox: Okay. (smiling)
Dick: That would've rocked too. (Maddox laughs) That would've...that would've compensated for whatever the high heels were meant to do.
Dick: But I...my hunch is that you're supposed to wear them for a short period of time in your life...
Dick: ...and then probably not again? Like, maybe you wear 'em once a month after that.
Dick: So this poor girl's like...she was 32, still rockin' high heels? That's gotta be rough. Like, your f-...her feet were definitely getting formed to the shape of a heel.
Dick: At that point.
Maddox: My -
Dick: (interjects) Which seems like too much.
Maddox: My aunt on my mom's side is one of these women who has always worn high heels. It doesn't bother her, and she's very comfortable in them and she walks very confidently in them. She's...I've never seen her NOT wear high heels. And I've dated girls who've exclusively worn high heels, and they are okay with it. They're fine with it. However, the girls who don't and they try to? Up to a third of them fall while wearing high heels!
Dick: What does that mean, a third of girls fall while wearing high heels?
Maddox: Oh man, just look on YouTube. Go check YouTube right now for "girl wearing high heels can't walk" or "girl wearing high heels falls," and there's so many videos where they keep trying to recover.
Maddox: You can see that the trajectory's off and they're wobbling, they're goin' back and forth and they're tryin' to correct themselves, and each time they try to correct they go too far in the other direction 'til finally they eat shit. But it is so long and drawn out, it's like it takes an eternity for them to finally fall and it's so satisfying when they do. (Dick laughs) I'm right there laughing.
Dick: Yeah, I get too nervous watchin' those. I feel like they're gonna break their...they're like little deers.
Dick: And they're walkin' wrong like Bambi on the frozen ice. I think they're gonna snap their legs in half.
Maddox: It's like a stilt with a training wheel on it.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) Right?
Maddox: Good analogy.
Dick: So what's the solution, sneakers? Sneakers for all?
Maddox: No, uh...you know, wear wedges. Wedges might work.
Dick: What's that?
Maddox: They have wider...wedges are like heels, um...they are similar to heels, but the back part of it is a little bit longer and thicker. Right?
Dick: Oh, I have no idea what that is.
Maddox: I don't know, man! I'm not a women's footwear guy. I don't know.
Dick: I don't know. (laughing)
Maddox: And I'm not into feet, by the way. I'm not gonna be suckin' your toes at the end of the night.
Maddox: You, Dick Masterson. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah. Um, yeah, I'm not one of those guys. Anyway man, high heels. That's my problem.
Dick: Oh! (belches) (Maddox laughs) Pretty big problem. Here's MY problem.
Dick: Speakin' of wom-...speakin' of dates, you ever hear this phrase? "Everything happens for a reason."
Maddox: I HATE that phrase.
Dick: Hate it. Hate it.
Dick: It's my...it's a trigger for me.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles) Oho. Oh yeah?
Maddox: It's a trigger? You need to, um...you need to talk to a counselor?
Dick: I need to stamp it on every chick's forehead. "Trigger warning, trigger warning, trigger warning: 'everything happens for a reason.'" I know that sounds sexist, but I'm gonna address that later. Uh, "everything happens for a reason." It's always driven me insane. Like, even when I was a little kid, it always used to bug me.
Maddox: It bugs me too.
Dick: Always has.
Dick: And......I don't wanna say...like, I'm not the kinda guy who just gets irate at people's coping mechanisms.
Maddox: Oh, I do.
Dick: You understand what I'm saying?
Maddox: No, I d-...I always get irate.
Dick: I know you do, and I don't. Like, if somebody seems a little pretentious with their hobby, it doesn't bother me.
Dick: Bothers you!
Dick: But it doesn-...I don't think it really bothers me.
Maddox: Bothers me.
Dick: Like, what people need to cope with life doesn't ever really bother me. If somebody's being an asshole at a sporting event I'm just like, "Eh, you know, you're charged up. Whatever. You'll calm down. It's not a big deal." But this one phrase, "everything happens for a reason," has always driven me insane and I've never grown out of it. Like, you know how when you're a lot younger things will make you crazy, and you'll speak out against them and get really passionate? And as soon as you grow up you're kinda like, "Oh, who cares about...that thing?"
Maddox: Mm. (skeptical)
Dick: "It's just people tryin' to live their lives."
Maddox: I guess.
Dick: Yeah. Like, who cares that they're so into, like, whatever activist thing that they're into?
Dick: Doesn't matter.
Maddox: I care!
Dick: You care, but I don't!
Maddox: I know.
Dick: And I can't shake this one. Right?
Dick: I was gonna bring it in as a throwaway, 'cause again, this girl says it to me. She gets screwed over by, uh, by her roommate.
Dick: This girl I was dating.
Dick: Screwed over by her roommate, um... (cell phone vibrates in background) Then she goes, "Everything..." Uh-oh. (cell phone vibrates again) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Tremors! (laughs more)
Dick: I don't know why my dad always calls during this show.
Maddox: I don't know why your phone's not silenced during this show! (laughs more)
Dick: Well, I can't...yeah. It IS...it is on "do not disturb," but there's that thing where the screen is lit up, the "do not disturb" doesn't work.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, man!
Dick: I don't know how to turn it off.
Maddox: Get a new fuckin' phone!
Dick: I'm using this to be a stopwatch for the show!
Maddox: Wha-...I got a stopwatch!!
Dick: That's the only reason...so use your stopwatch! (yelling)
Maddox: I got a kitchen timer, it's 5 dollars! FINE, I'll bring in my stop-...my timer! 5 dollars! It's a 5-dollar kitchen timer, and it doesn't buzz.
Dick: And it counts up?
Maddox: It counts up, counts down, whatever you want.
Dick: For God's sakes Maddox, bring that in!
Dick: I don't care. So this girl gets screwed over by her roommate... (Maddox laughs) ...and uh, she goes, "Well, everything happens for a reason." I'm like, "Ohh god, I really...I was havin' a great time here. I wish you hadn't said that."
Dick: Right? "'Cause it's ruined."
Maddox: M'kay. (chuckling)
Dick: You know what I mean?
Maddox: That ruins your day!
Dick: (excited) Well, it ruins everything, because my first thought is, "Whatever you th-..." (stammers angrily) "Really, whatever you think is running the universe, like God or fate or Midichlorians or whatever? You think that they care so much about YOU and so little about EVERYBODY ELSE ON EARTH that they set up this elaborate system for you to, like, meet a cute guy on the way to work 'cause your car broke down?! Everything happens for a reason, or ya...you know what I mean?? Like, or you found a new place to live? Everything happens for a fuckin' reason, but...oh, but don't worry, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE STARVE TO DEATH!!" (screaming)
Dick: "Where does that fit in in your grand plan of 'everything happens for a reason'? Are you so myopic that, like, you think the ENTIRE WORLD is made for YOU? The entire universe?! All these quadrillions of interactions every day is built so that you could get a new fucking phone?!?" (Maddox laughs) You know what I mean? And that's my rea-...that's the gut reaction that I try to kill, because that's the insane reaction. And the same part of me, the rational part of me says, "It's just a coping mechanism. Don't worry about it," but I STILL can't get over it.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, everything happens for a reason.
Dick: Yeah! (laughing)
Maddox: I don't know... (cracks up)
Dick: "Everything happens for a reason."
Maddox: I don't know, man. You got really worked up there about this and I don't know why, because there are entire branches of philosophy, Dick, that suggest that nothing outside the self exists. So -
Dick: (interjects) What, like solipsists?
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: So to...I think, I'm not sure.
Maddox: So, but...so to answer your question, does the universe exist for you? Well, they would argue that it does! Uh, you know man, here's a...this is another -
Dick: (interjects) It doesn't bother me. It's this phrase specifically. And believe it or not, I said this problem was gonna take a long time today 'cause I brought in a shitload of actual studies on it.
Dick: But go ahead. Go ahead.
Dick: What are you gonna say?
Maddox: I forgot. (everyone laughs)
Dick: You said philosophy, and this whole idea that everything happens...like your Oculus Rift philosophy.
Maddox: No -
Dick: (interjects) That the world is all a construct in your imagination.
Maddox: Okay, so this is another one of those classic Dick problems...
Maddox: ...where you bring it in and I agree with you at the outset, but your reasoning is so far off and so far out of left field. Now, I'm not saying that it's WRONG, it's just not complete. It's not the reason that I would say that phrase is a problem. I would say that that phr-...well, I mean, I don't wanna shit all over -
Dick: (interjects) Go ahead, go ahead!
Maddox: Maybe you brought something in similar to this.
Dick: Nonono, go ahead. What, what, what, what?
Maddox: Well, I would say "everything happens for a reason" does imply some kind of universal New-Age mystical being or energy or cause, be it, uh...
Maddox: Yeah. Some purpose, right? Some higher purpose. Well, then you're injecting religion into everyday conversations.
Maddox: And it's a little annoying. I -
Dick: (interjects) It's annoying!
Maddox: I think it's annoying when religious people preach...
Maddox: ...and non-religious people preach.
Maddox: I think BOTH are equally annoying.
Dick: Both are equally annoying.
Dick: I totally agree with you.
Maddox: So that's the reason I have a problem with it, is that it's annoying when people say "everything happens for a reason." Um, and I'm not sure that's true. I'm not sure everything does happen for a reason. However, Dick, like the examples you gave about people...you know, thousands of people dying from starvation or disease or bad things -
Dick: (interjects) HUNDREDS of thousands.
Maddox: There's...it's trivial to demonstrate that some good could have come from those tragedies. Like...
Dick: What are you talkin' about?
Maddox: Well, any kind of tragedy. Pick one.
Sean: He's tryin' to steer to the broken window fallacy.
Dick: Yeah, it sounds like it again. (Maddox snickers) Is that what you're doin'?
Maddox: This is ulti-...I mean, it's bigger than the broken window fallacy. This is a fundamental philosophical argument that...say something bad happens. Well, in order for you to truly say that that was bad, you have to weigh allll the consequences down the line, and then look at the aggregate positive consequences and the aggregate negative consequences, and then weigh the two and then see which one there were more of. If there were more negative consequences then that was a bad thing, and if there were more good consequences then that was a good thing.
Dick: So what are you saying? All the starving people are...it's worth, um...there is a plan 'cause your car, uh, your car ran out of gas or something and you met a cute guy? That everything happens for a reason?
Maddox: See, I don't -
Dick: (interjects) It's not because you were watching a...binge-watching Orange Is the New Black all week that you didn't get your tire fixed and it blew out? That was not the reason?
Maddox: See, you're looking at a negative.
Dick: It's God's plan?
Maddox: No, you're looking at a negative. But for example, had the people...like, I gave the example of riots during the solutions episode, I think #6. Solutions #6 I brought in riots, and I made the case that sometimes riots can have good net outcomes, like for example the...I think it's called Stonewall riots, in the '60s? That was where the gay and transgendered people were, uh, were tired of the police harassing them and they rioted against them.
Maddox: And that sparked the civil rights movement for gay and bi and lesbian people to fight for their rights. I would say that that riot, even though riots inherently are bad because of the violence and because of the destruction...
Maddox: ...some good came of it.
Dick: Sure, no one's debating that.
Dick: No one would debate that some good can come out of something horrific.
Dick: Yeah. But the f-
Maddox: (interjects) Well, so that's what I'm saying, is someone could make that argument that...and I'm not makin' that argument, but I believe it.
Dick: When someone says "everything happens for reason," that's what they're trying to say?
Dick: Is that what you're saying?
Dick: Okay, and I'll give them that. That's why...that huge, insane outburst I just had? That's why I don't grab them by the shirt and say that to them.
Dick: 'Cause I'm like, "Okay, maybe they're trying to say something else and they can't phrase it correctly." You ever heard of this one? Teleology?
Dick: It's called...it's the explanation of phenomena...it's the explanation of phenomena by the purpose they serve rather than the postulated causes. That's what this is.
Dick: And that's what I found when I started looking it up, this phrase "everything happens for a reason." Uh, there was a study done testing this, uh, this teleological phenomenon, and they found that a SHITload of people, both atheists and theists, describe things that happen to them and external events based on their outcome. That whole "everything happened for a reason," they answer things that happen to them in their lives by that! That...showing that it's a function of, like, PEOPLE. This is a characteristic of humans more than a belief system, 'cause both of them felt that way.
Dick: AND, the more...the faster they had to make decisions and give their opinion on things -- even people who DIDN'T admit it, even people who said, "No, things don't happen for a reason. It's just random chaos happening all the time." When they forced them to give an opinion on things with less time, they would trend towards this, uh...teleology, this teleological thinking.
Dick: Which means that it's the fallback! Like, the fallback is to say, "Yep, everything happened for a reason!"
Maddox: You know, Dick, I believe one of the first or one of the most...I would say influential thinkers in teleology was probably Aesop, with Aesop's Fables. Aesop observed animals doing things, and then kind of made fables about why they did them and so on and so forth. But a lot of...I feel like a lot of Aesop fable type of observations have persisted today in not just our common vernacular, but in science! In biology, specifically. I was lookin' this up after you sent me your problem this week, teleology, I looked it up and I found...I knew this concept but I didn't know the word for it, and I looked it up because there was something that always bothered me in biology textbooks, and biology at large still does this. They say, like, a biological function...this is from Plato.stanford.edu. It says, "A (biological) function of stotting by antelopes is to communicate to predators that they have been detected," and another one is...they say, "Eagles' wings are (naturally) designed for soaring." Well, when you say that eagles' wings are designed for soaring, or antelopes have this behavior to prevent detection, or ants secrete this hormone to warn others, et cetera, et cetera, you are implying that there is that higher purpose.
Dick: Right, which you would think maybe they're teaching kids this! So here's something interesting that that study found: up until the age of 10, kids will describe things teleologically. Like, they'll say, "Lions are in the zoo 'cause that's where they wanna be."
Dick: Like, that's why the lions are in the zoo, or "the ball's flying through the air 'cause that's what the ball wants to do."
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's really interesting! What kinda dumbfounded me is how often it is found in biological texts and scientific texts, and then I read on this, uh, Stan-
Dick: (interjects) Well, that could be 'cause they're designed for kids, right? That's why I'm sayin' the kids thing, 'cause that's how kids think!
Maddox: No, it's not just kids, Dick! Watch any nature documentary. They say "such-and-such animal does this thing because they evolved to do this thing to protect them, blah blah blah." When you say that they evolved a certain way to protect themselves or whatever...
Maddox: ...even though that may not necessarily be the case, that may not be the cause of their evolution, it implies that there is a higher being or higher purpose...
Maddox: ...for them. There's...like for example, ants and aphids have a symbiotic relationship, right?
Maddox: And they would say...the incorrect phrasing would be to say that they evolved that way because it's mutually beneficial. You're saying the outcome exists, but you're conflating the outcome with the cause. You're sayin' the cause is because it's mutually beneficial. Well, it could also be happenstance, and it could also be...I mean yeah, sure, it does benefit them! That selection does benefit them.
Maddox: That process, right?
Dick: But they're not designed for it. Like, you can't just say they're designed. It... (stammers) It's wrong.
Maddox: That's why I kinda have a problem with that aspect of, uh, of science. And biolo-...I was lookin' at this Stanford website, or I think it was this, uh, this evolution website on Blogspot. They said that they go to great lengths to teach biologists not to use phrasing like this, not to use language like this.
Dick: Oh, that's interesting.
Dick: Yeah. It's easier to teach like that, but it's...it's, like, subtly harmful.
Dick: You would say. So here's why it's a problem, and here's why I thought it was interesting enough to bring in. And especially interesting that, uh, every single girl I've dated except for one has said this phrase at one point or another. People who, um, have a tendency to reason about events teleologically ALSO have a tendency to interpret behaviors in ways that weren't meant.
Maddox: Ohh, interesting.
Dick: Because the symptom of teleological thinking comes from being able to understand people's states of mind. Right?
Dick: And when you understand people's states of mind, you really want there to be a state of mind.
Dick: So you start taking random events and ascribing a motive behind it.
Maddox: Ohh, that's interesting!
Dick: So if a girl ever...or if a guy, because this research ALSO showed, remarkably -- the scientists must be wrong on this -- that there's no difference between men and women in gender or race when it comes to teleological thinking! So that idea of "everything happens for a reason" is ubiquitous!
Maddox: You know, Dick? I think that this is something...you said at the top of your problem that this was something that could be an inherent quality of humanity, right? Of human commu-
Dick: Yeah, and I'll tell you why after you're done.
Maddox: Well, I have a theory.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: 'Cause I've been thinkin' about this for a long time. People kind of laugh at the ancients for having silly beliefs, like "rain dances cause rain."
Maddox: But I think that our minds, being rational, we try to ascribe reasons for why things happen because if we...that's how we learn! We want to learn...it is fundamentally scientific to want to find a reason for why something happens.
Maddox: So I think a long time ago...um, this may have happened when the first rain shower occurred right after a big dance in some tribal culture somewhere, and they forever associated their dance with the rain because they did the dance and then the rain happened. Dogs learn this way too! If a dog pees outside every day and you give it a treat right after it pees, the dog starts to associate that behavior with that reward!
Maddox: That's how our minds learn and think, so it's not necessarily a flaw in humanity. It is annoying when it's wrong and when we don't look at it critically to determine whether or not that is the actual cause, but I think that fundamentally it's a useful process.
Dick: Well, here's why...this is saying, um...and I get what you're saying, but this has a slightly different take on it.
Dick: Because when you talk about the dogs and the training, that simple example, it's...they are definitely getting a positive feedback. This is saying that the early humans who WERE the rational ones, who...let's say, uh, they're sitting around a campfire and the bushes rustle, and a bunch of the early people say, "Welp, uh, it's a bear or it's God! He's pissed! I gotta get outta here!" They run. The curious ones, the rational ones, go, "Well, that's not necessarily true. Lemme just see if it is a bear." One time outta ten that it is a bear, they're killed.
Dick: So it weeded out all of these rational thinkers, and we're left with the panicky idiots who desc-...who ascribe motives to things that aren't real and who look for an immediate self-serving purpose to all the bad shit that's happened to them, or the good shit! You know how...um, I'm sure you're familiar with this, that people who are successful will attribute their success to the things they've done, when a lot of times...even when it doesn't matter! Like, in random groups in studies they'll give people an advantage, and then at the end of the experiment the people with the natural advantage will assume they did something in the experiment, even knowing that they started higher -- that they started with more assets or whatever, that they started with an advantage -- they will ascribe their success to their own actions.
Maddox: Do you -
Dick: (interjects) That's how deep I'm saying this teleological thinking goes.
Maddox: Do you think that's a problem?
Maddox: You think it's bad when people who...say, like in a test or a study, they are given an advantage and then they ascribe a reason that justifies their advantage?
Dick: Well, I'm saying this is bad in society, because people who start successful and end up successful can necessarily look down on everybody who wasn't as successful as them and say, "I got here because of me!"
Dick: "Because of me," instead of saying, "You know, I...maybe that had something to do with it, but maybe it was also in large part that I started, like, leagues ahead of all you guys, with a shitload of money."
Sean: Yeah, there's people who were born on third base and think they hit triples.
Dick: EXACTLY right, Sean.
Maddox: Yeah. Interesting, Dick!
Dick: And that's because of this type of thinking!
Maddox: Well, this is super interesting coming from YOU!
Maddox: Because I totally agree with it, and it seems like something that you wouldn't argue for because it sounds like...well, this is going to be...this is gonna be a topic for another show.
Maddox: But it sounds like it's contrary to your thinking. It doesn't sound like a very libertarian thought. It sounds like -
Dick: (interjects) What is that?
Maddox: It sounds like something that could come out of Obama's mouth.
Dick: Welp, guys, I gotta go kill myself. (Maddox laughs) Wait, why? The idea that some people had an advantage, and...?
Maddox: Yes, because fundamentally, Dick, what you're saying is that...that, uh, rich people aren't always necessarily there because they earned it.
Dick: Oh, well, of c-...of course!
Sean: The vast majority of wealth in this country is inherited.
Maddox: Is inherited!
Dick: There's no questioning that, though.
Maddox: And they have an unfair advantage over everyone else.
Dick: Yeah! Now however, if you're talking about taking away that advantage, I'll kill ya.
Dick: That's where my...that's where this thinking might end. You know what I mean?
Maddox: So you're okay with people having unfair advantages and then lording it over other people? You're okay with a dynasty, right?
Dick: Um...if it's a Dick dynasty, yes, of course!
Maddox: M'kay. (chuckling)
Dick: Well, I...I don't understand "be okay with." Like, there's natural advantages in the world and there's...there's not, and that's what started me hating this phrase "everything happens for a reason."
Dick: Because I look at people who say that and I say, "Yeah, the reason that you're even saying that is because you're born with this enormous advantage of being in a soci-...like a genetic lottery of being born in a society where you can pause for a SECOND and think about that, rather than running to get water every day and trying to not get assaulted. Right?
Maddox: Dick, I am so excited right now. Like, I...I wanna do a little jig, I wanna dance, because you have set a trap for yourself.
Dick: How is it a trap?
Maddox: You opened up the bear trap and you set the snare. And I'm just waiting 'cause you haven't said anything yet to step in that bear trap, but you will, 'cause I know you! I've known you for a long time...
Maddox: ...and I know the way you think!
Maddox: You are...we're gonna come back to this. You mark this, Episode 56. We're gonna come back to this at some point in the future, 'cause I know, I KNOW there's a Dick Versus Dick brewing. It's comin'! (smiling)
Dick: Oh yeah?
Maddox: I can feel...it's like you can hear the rumbling in the distance.
Maddox: The horses rumbling, like, "Oh, this is a MASSIVE Dick Versus Dick comin', buddy." (Dick laughs) I'm excited! Anyway dude, I think that's an interesting problem and a well-researched one, and, uh, this is...
Dick: It's all one study. I mean, it's one URL. Don't give me too much credit.
Maddox: Well no, I looked into it! I... (both laugh) I looked into it. There is a lot written about teleology and its implications in theology and sciences.
Dick: Well, what's interesting is that all these seemingly unrelated problems, like this, um...or if you wanna reference the last one, like this idea of, um...this disdain for like, "I got here because I deserved it and not because of luck."
Dick: All these problems, which you could never solve by looking at them on the surface, right? Like, the solution isn't, "Fuck you, we're taking your money." If you don't understand the root of it, which is, I think, this type of thinking, then you can't fix it and this type of thinking is inherent to EVERYBODY.
Maddox: I think that type of thinking though, Dick -- and this is ultimately where I think I lean towards voting this down as a problem -- is that it is fundamentally the same type of thinking that causes us to want to be scientists and causes us to want to learn. It causes us to want to deci-...uh, determine why things happen. And the people who are dumb, the people who are lazy thinkers and the people who are lesser minds will associate two unrelated events and say, "Well, 'A' happened and 'B' happened. Therefore, 'A' caused 'B,'" which is a logical fallacy unless there's some evidence for it, right?
Maddox: Those are the dumb people, but the smart people will use the scientific method and say, "Well, this happened. It must have happened for a reason." That's teleology, right? Essentially, everything has a purpose.
Dick: NO, teleology is the opposite. It's not...and I think...I know what you're saying. I know that you think this is, like, the impetus for smart people to look for things to understand, but I think this is separate from that need to understand. Like -
Maddox: (interjects) How is it different?
Dick: I...this is just me saying it.
Dick: I think it's a separate drive. I think this is a -
Maddox: (interjects) I disagree.
Maddox: I think it's the same thought mentality that, uh...I think this is fundamental to human nature and helpful for our society, for us as humans, to be able to answer questions because if we were...if we didn't do this, we would be fish. We would be donkeys. We'd be dumbass ostriches...
Maddox: ...stickin' our heads in the sand, not doing anything, not asking why, not trying to learn! But the people who stop at the first theory that they have without testing that theory? They're teleologists who sit there and say, "Well, uh, it rained right after I did a dance yesterday, therefore my dance caused the rain." They don't test that theory.
Dick: I think it's -
Maddox: (interjects) Scientists do!
Dick: I think it's a little...I think it's different than what you're saying, and the only thing I base that on is that these scientists and smart people have to repress the urge to just say something is the cause, um...say something happened because of the cause. Like, I think that's the knee-jerk reaction. I think totally ob-...totally rejecting that line of thought is what leads someone down the path of critical reason, critical reasoning. The opposite of this teleological thinking. That's what I think. I totally understand what you're saying; that's just my opinion.
Maddox: Well, vote it down.
Dick: I'll tell you what you SHOULDN'T vote down, is Audible! (Maddox snickers) Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audiobook download. Audible has over 180,000 titles to choose from. Every genre, Audible has it covered. Get a free audiobook download when you sign up today. Use http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest. They've got 1,000 science and technology books. How 'bout that?
Maddox: Mm, they're probably all teleological. (Dick chuckles) I'm out.
Dick: Here's our reading list as assembled by this show. Uh, "Milked At Her Uncle's Farm"... (Maddox laughs) So if you wanna listen along to this show. Uh, "How Smart Is God?" You remember that one?
Dick: "Poorly Made In China," (Maddox chuckles) an insider's account of the tactics behind China's production game.
Dick: Uh, "Why Does The Penis Look Like That?"
Maddox: Yeah, good question!
Dick: I wanna add a new book to this list.
Maddox: Yeah, mhm.
Dick: "The Journeys of Socrates."
Dick: It's about a jacketless man... (smiles) (Maddox and Sean laugh) ...wandering around ancient Greece embarrassing himself at fancy dinners, I guess is probably what it's about. I don't know!
Maddox: I've been to Greece! I've been to Athens, and I didn't have a jacket on!
Dick: Good for you. (laughing)
Maddox: I did wear shoes though. Anyway, man. Is that all you got?
Maddox: Dick, I got the real biggest problem in the universe, at least this week...is honor killings!
Dick: Oh, Jeeesus Christ.
Maddox: Yeheheah! (clapping sound effect) Bravo, Maddox. ('ding!' sound effect)
Maddox: Oh, brav-...thank you for bringing in a problem with such weight. (Sean laughs in the background) Honor killings, Dick. (Dick laughs) You know, an honor killing is any time a killing occurs when someone has brought shame upon the family. Now, usually this is done by another family member, and it sounds awesome, right? In theory...
Dick: Oh my god. (chuckling)
Maddox: ...it sounds like the biggest SOLUTION in the universe, but in practice...
Dick: I guess!
Maddox: ...it's for stupid shit like not entering into an arranged marriage, committing adultery or being in a relationship with someone your family doesn't approve of.
Dick: Is this always for women? Are they the only ones who get honor killed?
Maddox: Good question, Dick! No, it's not only for women.
Maddox: Uh, men get honor killed too. In 2012 in Iraq, there were a string of murders committed called the Emo killings, and the... (cracks up) "Emo" is exactly what you think it is. They rounded up kids and teenagers who looked emo or listened to any emo music and killed them because they associated it with Satanism and homosexuality.
Maddox: The Baghdad Morality Police issued a statement criticizing teens for wearing strange, tight-fitting clothes with pictures of skulls on them and rings in their noses or tongues. Anyone listening to metal, emo, or rap was targeted. That was in Iraq!
Dick: Wow. When we were running it, or when it was on its own? When did that happen?
Maddox: That's in 2012. That's -
Dick: (interjects) H'okay, so we're running it. (both laugh)
Maddox: That's the country that we liberated. (Dick guffaws) This is the country that we brought freedom to. (cynical)
Maddox: You're welcome America, and you're welcome Iraq. There you go. You can't...you can't just come in and impose your political will on people and expect them to just become America. You can't say, "Here you go, here's democracy! Wooo!"
Maddox: 'Cause with that democracy, they might vote in the Palestinian Authority. Right?
Maddox: That's what happened in Palestine when they had clear and open democracy. Anyway, I'm gettin' off track.
Dick: No, you're right.
Maddox: Anyway man, honor killings are believed...this is from the BBC. They said honor killings are believed to have originated in tribal customs where even an allegation against a woman is enough to dishonor a family, thus resulting in the death of the woman. In some cultures, if the woman is raped, she may be honor killed. (Dick scoffs) Especially if she becomes pregnant!
Dick: Ahhhhh, man. (uneasily)
Maddox: Yeah! How's that? "Oh, you got raped? Well, we gotta kill you now because you've dishonored our family by getting raped."
Dick: Ugh, thank God women don't unionize. (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) Right? And they're just like...you know? 'Cause they coulda done it at any time. "Hey guys, we're not putting out until you knock this shit off."
Dick: Like, "Welp, I got a plane ticket to Baghdad! I'm gonna go kill all these guys!" (laughing)
Maddox: Great. So Dick, you're telling -
Dick: (interjects) Right??
Maddox: You're telling a bu-...you're telling women that they're gonna...they're gonna cut off rapists. Men who are... (cracks up) ...forcibly taking sex from them, they're gonna cut them off unless they, uh, they shape up?
Dick: Well, thank God this isn't a solutions episode, 'cause that... (Maddox laughs) That got shot down pretty fast.
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah man, it's -
Dick: (interjects) Well, what about the ones over here, if they said that?
Dick: If women in America said, "Hey, we're not putting out anymore until you guys fix that problem over there."
Dick: You know? Like a little sisterhood... (Maddox groans) ...uh, intercontinental, cross-Atlantic sisterhood action goin' on.
Maddox: Dick, it becomes this thing where you...where sex becomes a barter system. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Yeah, it is!
Maddox: Well, for you!
Dick: Of course it is!!
Maddox: It's ugly! I don't like it.
Dick: That's ugly?
Maddox: I don't like it. Um, in 2008 in Turkey, a father killed his son for being gay.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: The son's name was Ahmet Yildiz, a 26-year-old physics student who was gunned down in Istanbul.
Maddox: It was considered Turkey's first gay honor killing, and they made a movie about him called "Zenne," I think? "Zenne," whatever.
Dick: Was the movie positive like that Nazi sniper that killed everybody, or was it negative about the dad who killed his son?
Maddox: They made a positive movie about a Nazi sniper?
Dick: Well, the Third Reich had incredible propaganda!
Dick: They would make positive...you know what I'm saying? Like, did...was the movie that was made about this guy positive or negative towards honor killings? Was he a hero or a villain?
Maddox: The gay kid was a hero...
Maddox: ...and the father was a villain, yeah. And the father remained a fugitive for 3 years afterwards.
Maddox: Um, it's believed the number of honor killings that occur every year is in the thousands. Honor killings in the UK...in 2006 -- this happened in the UK -- a woman named Banaz Mahmod from Surrey left an unhappy arranged marriage and started a relationship with another man. The 20-year-old was strangled and hidden in a suitcase, which was then buried underneath a Birmingham property.
Dick: Yeah. (uneasily)
Maddox: Yeah man, honor killings, real shitty. Big problem.
Dick: Does that count as many, uh...does that count all the women who are disfigured or maimed or otherwise injured?
Maddox: No, no, no.
Dick: 'Cause there's...that should be a tremendous amount more. It's a lot harder to kill someone than it is to throw acid at them like a pussy.
Maddox: Yeah. About 211 honor-related offenses were reported in 2009 in the UK, 129 of which were criminal offenses. In Turkey, there has been a drop in honor killings. Now get this: this should be positive news, right? And this is why, again, I say critical thinking's important, 'cause if you read that headline? "Oh, there's a drop in honor killings in Turkey. Hooray, let's celebrate!"
Dick: More people gettin' maimed?
Maddox: Nope. The reason is because they passed tougher laws against it in 2005, which has caused an increase in honor suicides (Dick scoffs) at the behest of men encouraging women to kill themselves for dishonoring their family. It's a way to skirt the honor killings laws.
Dick: Ohh. Huh!
Dick: Who checks on that?
Maddox: They're...you know, it's really hard to find statistics about this.
Sean: "She shot herself 5 times!" (Dick and Maddox laugh) "Suicide!"
Dick: Yeah, classic!!
Maddox: Ahhh, that's rough.
Dick: "Right in the back of the head!"
Maddox: Yeah, and you know what else? It's not specific to a religion. Muslims, Sikhs, Hindus, and any culture that has families with rigid expectations can result in honor killings.
Dick: Well, I was gonna ask that next. Isn't it part of Sharia law? Aren't honor killings, like, allowed by Sharia law?
Maddox: Well, certain denomina-...certain sects of people who are Shari-...who practice Sharia law. It's like, does Christianity condone protesting the funerals of dead soldiers? Well, no, but SOME Christians do it.
Dick: What, the Westboro Baptist people?
Maddox: The Westboro Baptist...by name they're Christians, right? These are the ones who protest...like yeah, it's hard to...again, you like to paint with a wide brush here, but -
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, me?? I just asked you a question!
Maddox: Oh, well, I -
Dick: (interjects) Of if it's allowed by Sharia law!
Maddox: Well...I mean, yes and no.
Dick: I thought it was part of that system.
Maddox: It is, but not everybody practices it. You know? It's like, uh...in Catholicism for example, condoms are outlawed. You're not supposed to use condoms.
Maddox: But a lot of people use condoms or pull out. (Dick scoffs)
Dick: Yeah, pull out. Condoms should be...they are an affront to God. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: They're an affront to my god as well.
Maddox: You... (both laugh) You align with the Vatican in that position?
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway. Yeah man, uh, big problem, honor killings.
Dick: Well, lemme get back to that Sharia law thing. 'Cause what I'm ask-...you bring up...I don't wanna paint with a wide brush.
Dick: I guess what I'm asking is do you have any stats on, like, who's supporting honor killings around the world?
Maddox: No, I don't...I don't have it specific to each culture or religion, but uh, the BBC said that it's really difficult. They're trying to estimate how many honor killings happen every year, and it's really difficult because a lot of times they'll say that the reason is something else and they don't report these honor killings. Sometimes they just kind of do it.
Dick: Of course not!
Maddox: Yeah, and it's kinda skirted underneath -
Dick: (interjects) They don't even have Internet some places it's happening.
Dick: How are they gonna report it?
Maddox: This isn't...this generally isn't occurring in really advanced societies. It's not...it's occurring in south Asia, in Iraq, in Afghanistan it happens...uh, Saudi Arabia, it happens. Saudi Arabia is one of the big offenders of honor killings, because there's a lot of arranged marriage in that culture...
Maddox: ...and you'll see that a lot of honor killings take place in cultures that have arranged marriage. That's why Hindus and Sikhs were also on this list.
Dick: 'Cause they don't wanna get married?
Maddox: 'Ca-... (cracks up) No, because they -
Dick: (interjects) No, 'cause the...like, the girl doesn't wanna marry that guy -
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: - and it's like, "Well, fuck this."
Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah, and the girl...the girl backs out of it, and a lot of times it's complicated. There are politics involved, because the family of the husband has given a dowry to the family of the bride.
Dick: You know what? This is the plot of Spaceballs. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Is it?
Dick: The princess, the Druish princess doesn't wanna marry Prince Valium so she runs away.
Maddox: Oh, yeah!
Dick: And her dad kinda makes a deal with Dark Helmet.
Dick: To kill her.
Maddox: Well, um, I guess...I guess I need to watch that movie.
Dick: Who's doin' this? I wanna know who's doin' it. You mentioned a couple groups.
Dick: Who is doing...? I know in America we're not doing it. We're not honor killing women, 'cause then who would we keep outta STEM fields? (Maddox laughs) Each other? Right? It doesn't make any sense. But who's doin' this around the world?
Maddox: Honor killing, it is...it is, uh...
Dick: Saudi Arabia?
Maddox: A lot of the ones you hear in the news are Muslims and occasionally Hindus.
Dick: (chuckles) That's what I'm thinkin'!
Maddox: Yeah. But in Japan it kind of happens in a different way. It is more, um...you do have more honor suicides in Japan, which happens because they have such high pressure and expectations from their families to produce and perform in academia. So even one bad semester can send a person spiraling out of control because they see that everything kind of is linked to each other and the chain is broken, and if the chain is broken they can never fix it. They can never catch up, and the only alternative is an honor killing. An honor suicide, rather.
Maddox: So it happens in different cultures for different reasons, and in America you might be able to...I mean, we don't consider it as an honor suicide when people kill themselves. It's just...we just call it suicide. We just lump it in one big category: they killed themselves. Um, except for euthanasia. So if we looked into the cause that suicides happen, especially for men because I believe, what, like 84...80 to 90 percent of suicides are male.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, it's 4 times.
Maddox: Because a lot of times there are pressures that are unique to men, that we have expectations in society, and also men fight the majority of wars and they come home with post-traumatic stress, which is, uh, int-...REALLY intense.
Maddox: Because if you've ever had to kill somebody, which very few people have, we're not equipped psychologically to be able to do that. Humans aren't evolutionary...don't have an evolutionary advantage to kill each other off.
Dick: Some of us.
Dick: Very small...no, the army has done studies on this.
Dick: It's called the killer instinct.
Maddox: Oh, some people have a...?
Dick: Like 2%. Yeah, it's like a...it correlates with, uh, psychopathy.
Maddox: Oh, that's right! I think, um -
Dick: (interjects) A very small amount of people...don't care.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true.
Dick: And they're built for it, and it's like an evolutionary safeguard.
Dick: Yeah! Against bad stuff happening, like, "Well, we got those guys over there. They're not allowed to do what they wanna do NOW..."
Dick: "...but, uh, careful. If there's zombies or something, we're gonna let 'em out of the cage."
Maddox: Patton may have been one of those guys. I think Nintendo made a game about that.
Dick: Killer instinct?
Maddox: Killer instinct. (laughs)
Dick: Ultra did, you asshole. Not Nintendo.
Maddox: Oh, that's right. It was, uh, it was licensed.
Dick: Nintendo bought them.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Sean: Hey, it's...just goin' back to that stat, it's true that, uh, that men complete it more often. Women, I think...
Dick: Attempt it, yeah.
Sean: ...the last I heard attempt it more often, but men use more lethal means. You know, 'cause they shoot themselves in the head instead of takin' a bunch of pills.
Dick: Women try to shout themselves to death. (Sean cracks up) That's what I read somewhere. (laughs)
Maddox: No, but I looked into the attempt statistic, and...you know, because that's what I keep hearing is women attempt it more, but an attempt registers as anything from taking too much Tylenol, like not even close to enough. It's...a lot of times I've talked to suicide prevention counselors, and they say that 90% of the women who call in who've taken...who've, like, overdosed on Tylenol pills, they said they don't even call the paramedics. They just tell them to drink a lot of water and they'll be fine, and that's what women...women are more likely to call for help and to use less lethal methods.
Sean: It's hard to figure out where the line is between, like, a serious attempt and...you know. I don't know the...
Maddox: Well, here's a real clear line: when they're dead. That's a serious attempt. Um... (chuckles) I -
Sean: (interjects) That's success! There's no attempt there. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Um, here's -
Dick: (interjects) Could be both!
Maddox: So I...I -
Dick: (interjects) It's a two-for-one. It's a twofer. (smiles)
Sean: Yeah, it's a twofer.
Maddox: (cracks up) It's a twofer. I just looked it up, Dick, and I looked at the regions. This happens...uh, honor killings are detected in Europe, in Albania, in Cyprus, France, Germany, Greece...in Greece, well into the 20th century honor was a very important concept, and as recently as the 1960s shepherds in Greece conducted honor killings. So yeah, I guess it still happened in, uh...in Greece and the UK it happens, in Sweden. It says in Sweden -
Dick: (interjects) Sweden? (skeptical)
Maddox: Yeah! In -
Dick: (interjects) I wanna see these numbers. What cultures are voting "yeah, I sup-...yeah, I think it's a good idea"? Not even the ones doing it. I wanna see the poll. I wanna see the Gallup poll.
Maddox: This is not the country condoning this, Dick. Most countries have outlawed honor killings. In Sweden in 2002, a 26-year-old Kurdish woman named Fadime Sahindal, I guess, was killed by her father, but she was Kurdish.
Maddox: They were a Kurdish family living in Sweden, so it's not...it's not like this is specific to one specific culture, religion, or region. It happens in Denmark too! Ghazala Khan was shot and killed in Denmark in September 2005 by her brother.
Sean: Yeah, these are transplants though!
Dick: Yeah, I would say if you ask, like...if you took a poll in America, "do you ever think honor killing is a good idea?", you're gonna get an infinitesimally small "yes" to that.
Dick: Right? And if you...as you go around the world like Santa Claus and pose this poll to everybody, I think there's gonna be some standouts of groups of people who say, "You know what? Uh, yeah! Yeah, I think it is okay sometimes," and I think when you find those concentrated pockets of "yes," you've found a problem.
Maddox: The largest regions I'm seeing, uh, just in doing some cursory research on this, is in Jordan, in Kuwait, in the Palestinian Authority, in Saudi Arabia, in Syria, in Yemen...these are all Arabic countries. In Pakistan and India -- India's a huge country with a lot of honor killings -- Saudi Arabia...um, in Canada it's occurred, but yeah, I guess if you don't count the transplants then probably not a lot of Canadians.
Dick: Not alotta Canadians are...you know, you fuck up at hockey, they don't make you kill yourself or throw acid on your face.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I've...yeah, of course not. I mean, not... (chuckles) It's not condoned by, uh, by our government or culture. But yeah man, a lot of these places...I'm lookin', like in Brazil, anyplace it's happened in Brazil it's, uh, it's usually transplants. So if you don't count transplants, then it's mostly these cultures.
Maddox: Anyway man, Honor Killings and High Heels, those are my big problems. The two big 'H's this time.
Dick: Big...big feminist. (Maddox laughs) This episode. Aren't ya?
Maddox: Um, yeah, I'm not saying that women shouldn't wear high heels.
Maddox: But, uh, if you can't, then don't. That's what I'm saying.
Dick: If you can't...you mean if you trip all over yourself?
Maddox: If you trip all over yourself, if you're goofy, if your feet hurt, if you're gonna bitch about it, if you're gonna ache and moan, it's like, "Hey man, then don't fucking do it." Like, people who get piercings live with it and they're okay with it. They don't constantly complain about their piercings or whatever it is.
Maddox: Just don't do it if it's gonna bother you! It's real...there's a real simple solution to not doing things that bother you. What's your last problem, Dick?
Dick: Hey man, everything happens for a reason. (Maddox laughs) Do we have time...do we have time for a last problem?
Maddox: Yeah, real quick.
Dick: 'Cause my last problem is a doozy.
Maddox: Oh yeah? (amused)
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: I got so upset I threw it on the floor. (sound of papers moving around) Here we go. My last problem. We've been going...we've been escalating throughout this episode.
Dick: The biggest problem is...the "Are you still watching?" button on Netflix.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: (yells) You condescending, presumptuous fuck, Netflix! OF COURSE I'M STILL WATCHING! Of course!! Assume that I am! Don't bother me with this...the waiters don't come up to you in the middle of a meal and go, "Uh, sir, sir, are you still eating that? Are you still eating that entirely full steak that you have in front of you? Sir, are you done drinking this soup that you've had one bite out of?"
Maddox: It's not one bite, dickhead! They come by when you've eaten most of your meal and they ask you if you're still working on it! They do that -
Dick: (interjects) And I give them a look! How dare they!
Dick: They will know when I'm done 'cause it will be completely empty!! When -
Maddox: (interjects) Well, you can solve this problem with something that's almost as easy as a glance: pressing the 'X' button on your fuckin' PlayStation!
Dick: Oh, Maddox. Where is the remote? What am I...what am I supposed to do? First of all, I'm probably drunk or high. (Maddox chuckles) Where am I supposed to get this magical device that you're referring to? Euh, if... (excitedly; Maddox giggles) You know what? If you've got the technology to put the prompt on the screen, make the remote start blinking or beeping or some shit so I know where to...here's a better one: uh, put a microphone in the Apple TV and say, "Hey, if you're still watching, make some kind of a sound. Make a grunting sound like a caveman! Clap your hands! Do something and we'll keep going! Don't look for a BUTTON! This isn't a nuclear launch code!"
Maddox: Ohoho, you're equating pressing one button on your remote with a nuclear launch code, you fucking idiot? This is the easiest non-problem EVER. First of all, dickhead, if they didn't have that feature in Netflix, which I fully support, every fat dipshit slovenly watching a TV show or movie on Netflix at night as they fall asleep and Netflix plays the auto cue would just rack up huge bandwidth fees...
Maddox: ...and Netflix is tryin' to cut it d-...no, they're try-...they're racking up huge bandwidth usage.
Maddox: And Netflix is tryin' to cut down bandwidth usage so that the ISPs don't raise our rates!
Dick: You know what? Fuck you, fuck your bandwidth, fuck your ISP! If it entertains me, if it amuses me for a little bit, beam Trailer Park Boys into space 24 hours a day where NO ONE'S gonna watch it! I don't care! I'm the customer! Fuck you!! (Maddox laughs) Do you know what else saves money? Having automated help phone lines and doing those...those thin, shitty plastic water bottles that spill all over you! All this shit hurts the customer! Fuck your bandwidth!! FUCK YOUR BANDWIDTH! Beam me shows all day every day! Beam them all the time like I'm in an entertainment singularity just in case I get home and wanna watch something!
Maddox: (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.")
Dick: Yeah!! (Maddox and Sean laugh) I'M RIGHT! I am the customer; I am right, Netflix, and maybe one day I'll pay for my own subscription instead of just using my brother-in-law's subscription like everybody else in my family. (cracking up) (Maddox and Sean laugh more)
Dick: Fuck you!!
Maddox: (plays sound of a baby crying)
Dick: Oho, fuck. (Maddox giggling) You f-...you, you... (baby crying sound continues)
Maddox: Go on, Dick!
Dick: You bootlicking fuck. (Maddox keeps laughing) Don't even...don't even start with your "Internet is a series of tubes" shit. (yells) I know how the Internet works! Gimme my shows!! Fuck off with your button! You wanna save bandwidth? Build a satellite that checks for when I'm sleeping or not! ( crying sound still playing) (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Wait, did Dick stop talking? I can't tell! (giggling) What a fuckin' crybaby. (crying sound stops)
Dick: God, I hate that button! I hate it so much! Right when I get into the groove, man. Right when I'm chilled out on Episode 3 or Episode 4, that motherfuckin' button comes out. I'm AFRAID of it coming up. As soon as the credits start rolling I'm like, "Oh, are they gonna gimme that button?" ( baby crying sound starts again) "Are they gimme that button? Noooo, no, no!!" (gritting his teeth) "'Cause I have NO idea where the remote is. I threw it when I came in with all my keys, and I'm gonna be watching the blue screen for the rest of the night!" (crying still going) (Sean and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Fuckin' crybaby! (crying sound stops) Dick...
Dick: FUCK Netflix.
Maddox: ...how much of a slovenly sloth are you that you are sitting there for 2 or 3 episodes? You don't move, you don't get up off the couch, you don't get up to pee, you don't get up to get a...another drink? Do you also complain that drinks aren't magically teleported into your throat and out your colon, asshole??
Dick: Yeah! (chuckling)
Maddox: (stammers angrily) You're so inconvenienced with having to find your remote, not having to be such a dumbass that you misplace it every fuckin' 5 minutes? Just remember, use...get a system, Dick! Put the remote right next to where you're sitting and then press it! You just roll over!
Dick: Get a system. (disdainful)
Maddox: You don't even have to move!!
Dick: This guy with his remote magic over here. (Maddox laughs) Nobody even believes that for a second, asshole, that you could never lose your remote! Fuck you! (crying sound briefly plays again) Sittin' down...you're sittin' down with a girl, firin' up a couple episodes of a documentary, you know?
Dick: Right? Real classy broad that I'm talkin' about right here. Firin' up a couple episodes of some shitty show she wants to watch? Right when you're ready to make your move, man? Right when it's getting hot, right when you got that...your fingers around that button?
Dick: That fly button? Poppin' her buttons open?
Dick: Here comes the button! It's distracting! "Hey! Hey, hi, I'm a button! I would like to fuck up your life!"
Maddox: Dick, if the TV going into a pause state is enough to throw off your game, your game SUCKS.
Dick: Oh, you're such...you're such a liar.
Maddox: Uh-huh! (taunting)
Dick: You're such an asshole. (Maddox laughs) Anything can throw off your game at any moment, Maddox. That's what happens when you're riding the edge of game! (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) Alright? You're like a high-performance motorcycle racer, man. Any slight perturbation in your game can throw you into a death spin from which you'll never recover!!
Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)
Dick: 'Cause then you get angry! (cracks up) You get the angry sweats and she can smell it! (Maddox and Sean laugh again)
Maddox: Oh man, not...it's the opposite with me, man. The chick is revved up. SHE'S the car. She's the engine. She's tryin' to get ME warmed up! She's tryin' to get me to go!
Dick: Yeah. (scoffing)
Maddox: She's like, "Hey, how 'bout now?" I'm like, "I don't know, baby."
Dick: Yeah, that's my problem. (smiling)
Dick: Ah, I really hate that button SO much, man. (baby crying sound starts up again) (Maddox giggles) Fuckin' button, dude.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick.
Dick: Coming from Mr. "No More Self-Checkout Lines, 'Cause It Saves Them Money."
Dick: You didn't like self-checkout lines 'cause the stores tried to save themselves money...
Maddox: For so many reasons.
Dick: ...but you're supporting this stupid button?
Maddox: They're slower, they never work, they are...you're always standing behind some incompetent boob who doesn't know how to operate it, and the machines that...the rest of the machines, half of 'em are broken, and then even when you do use them properly you still have to get the stupid attendant to come by and check something every few fuckin' minutes, and then the machine thinks there's somethin' on the scale that isn't, and then you have to put it in the bags, and then you have to go through another step to get cash back...
Maddox: ...and then you can't buy alcohol at them. It's just a huge series of fuck-ups.
Dick: Yeah. (sarcastic)
Maddox: Just like this problem was. Vote it down. Dick, I believe that in...for bringing in such a stupid, horseshit, unresearched...another one of your horseshit problems where I feel like, "Uh, I don't know, I guess I'll bring this in. I don't have anything." On the drive in you thought about Netflix buggin' you.
Maddox: Another one of these problems! I want you guys to punish Dick by voting down both problems this week, and voting down the original because... (Dick starts playing "My Heart Will Go On" parody) Oho, you motherf-... (both laugh)
Dick: What was that? (Maddox keeps laughing) I wasn't gonna play this song this time. (smiles)
Maddox: Great. (Dick guffaws)
Dick: 'Cause it goes on so long.
Maddox: Of course you were gonna play it!
Dick: I wasn't!! I really wasn't!
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: I wasn't gonna play the song, 'cause you're right, it is two things for one. But people were commenting this week that I didn't play Titanic last week.
(Male singer: Maddox is an asshole...)
Dick: No, they missed it!
Maddox: Fuckin' hate this song.
Dick: They wanted... (giggles)
(Male singer: ...and he can go fuck himself...)
Maddox: I gotta take a shit. I gotta take a shit!
Dick: No, you can't take a shit!
Maddox: (stammers) I'm puttin' my cans down. I'm goin' to the can.
(Male singer: ...his problems all suck and he deseeeeeerves this.)
Dick: Alright, well, I'm not playing Titanic until you get back!
Maddox: I... (chuckling)
Dick: You can shit during this song!
Maddox: Then see ya! I'm not gettin' ba-...I'm not comin' back.
Dick: We got a whole...
Maddox: I'm gonna lock up the studio.
Dick: ...wrap-up to do.
Dick: We gotta thank Audible. (Maddox laughs)
(Male singer: Keeeeep playing these Titanic clips...)
Maddox: I'll thank 'em right now. I'm done.
Dick: No, no, no, no.
Dick: That's not correct. That's poor procedure.
Maddox: Lock up the studio. I'm turning off the lights, I'm lockin' up the studio. See ya, guys! See you, Sean!
(Male singer: ...and Dick, you can go on and go on and go fuuuuuuuuck yourself.)
Maddox: Yeah, go fuck YOURselves. (song fades out)
Dick: Grant Mooney, I think, did that.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, I know.
Maddox: Great. (muttering)
Dick: Just siddown and shut up and watch your Titanic. (Maddox laughs) That's what you get. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: (crickets sound effect) (chuckles)
Dick: If I can find it! I don't know, did I forget to bring it in again?
Maddox: Ohhh, good!
Dick: No, here it is. [plays next 30 seconds of Titanic]
Sean: You need the Jeopardy theme song. (Maddox chuckles)
(dreamy music from movie in background)
Dick: It's exciting shit happening on this episode of Titanic. They just saw a picture of a naked lady.
Asterios: Haha, yeeeah! (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: Yeah! Asterios knows what I'm talking about. (smiling)
Asterios: Look at his face!
(Bill Paxton: God damn.)
Maddox: Did you license this from Asterios?
Maddox: I'm gonna have him sue us.
Dick: I already paid him.
Asterios: He looks like a bottle of hot sauce!
Dick: Oo look, there's a hot chick! There's a hot chick, man!
Asterios: Yeah, he's got that bulging vein thing going on!
Dick: That is...that chick's hot!
Dick: You don't think that chick's hot?
Maddox: I'm not looking! I don't know!
Asterios: Oho my god, is he gonna die?
Dick: It's like a hot '90s Megan Fox.
Maddox: Who cares? (grumpy)
(fake news playing on TV in movie's background)
Dick: Now there's an old lady doin' pottery. (Maddox groans)
Maddox: Is this 30...? This feels like it's been a minute.
Dick: No. (scoffing)
Asterios: Great joke, Dick!
Maddox: Is this longer than 30 seconds?
[Titanic clip ends]
Dick: It's 30 seconds, calm down. (closing riff starts)
Maddox: Anyway guys, vote up High Heels and Honor Killings this week. Vote down Dick's horseshit.
Dick: See you next Tuesday.
Voicemail (male caller): (NY accent) Hey Maddox, this is, uh, Freddy from New York. I just don't really listen to your piece-of-garbage, uh, radio show because I have a life. (Maddox laughs)
Voicemail: But uh, my friend turned me on to this one topic you had recently, pizza snobs? Well, you didn't mention one pizzeria that you had experienced in New York with their shitty dollar slices, but I can tell you from experience a dollar slice doesn't exist in New York anymore.
Voicemail: Maybe if you took a time machine to the '80s they existed, but not anymore.
Maddox: Oho, '80s! (sarcastic) (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: That's A. B, we're not snobs because our pizza's better. We might be snobs because your pizza's garbage, though. I've been to Zito's in California. See, that's an example, Zito's. Have you been there?
Maddox: Yeah, it sucks.
Voicemail: I don't know if it's in your LA area or not.
Voicemail: But it is fucking abysmal, and you should be ashamed of yourself if you like it. And if you like that better than any New York place that I've ever been in, kill yourself in front of your parents. (Maddox and Dick laugh) Now, uh, I'm supposed to say something now. Oh, uh, Dick, go fuck yourself. (someone else laughs in the background) Oh, and uh, Maddox, get raped. Right? Okay. Uh, get a new career. You stink. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Maddox: Oh, what a dumb shit. What a dumb, dumb, dumb shit.
Maddox: You know what that guy likes on his pizzas, Dick?
Maddox: Yeah. Dicks AND cherries, because he used so much of the cherry-picking fallacy. That dumb shit! (Dick laughs) There is a place in New York...it's just, it's trivial to find a 99-cent slice in New York. There's a place called 99 Cents Fresh Pizza in New York, you FUCKING idiot. Their sign says "99 Cents Fresh Pizza." What about 2 Bros. Pizza? Another dollar place. Percy's Pizza, another dollar place. Get fucked! [ Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller with deep voice): Hey Dick, it's your mom.
Dick: Hm. (Sean snickers in the background) (Maddox giggles)
Voicemail: I agree, pregnancy is the biggest problem in the universe. Regrettin' it to this day.
Dick: Oh, he's talkin' about me.
Dick: My mom would call me directly with that. (Sean laughs in the background) Burn.
Maddox: She'd call me to tell you. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (old-timey voice) Hello, gentlemen. It's President James Garfield (Maddox giggles) calling to join the ranks of presidents who have told Dick to go fuck himself. Go fuck yourself, Dick!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: James Garfield! (laughs more)
Dick: Is somebody keeping track? James Garfield called in and told me to go fuck myself.
Sean: He gets his in the end, though.
Dick: Why? What happened to him?
Maddox: He was assassinated, right?
Sean: He was, he was assassinated.
Maddox: What, one of like 3 presidents who've been assassinated? Lincoln, JFK and Garfield, right?
Sean: Uh, McKinley.
Maddox: Oh, McKinley!
Dick: Hey guys, Chester A. Arthur from Die Hard 3, right? We all know something about presidents.
(brief silence) (Maddox snickers)
Dick: No? (chuckling)
Maddox: I guess! (both laugh) Go for it.
Sean: I got nothin'.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't...I don't know what the reference was.
Dick: Die Hard 3!
Maddox: I don't remember.
Dick: Oh, god. Alright. Uh, here's...maybe I'll end on...no, I got 2 more. Uh, we had a...there was some debate about evolution last week.
Dick: So someone called in to clear it up.
Maddox: Oh, great. (heavily sarcastic)
Voicemail (male caller): What's up, guys? This is Charles Xavier. (Maddox laughs) I'm a professor of evolution and I specialize in genetic mutation, and this is how I talk. (everyone laughs loudly) Anyway, I'm just calling because I wanted to clear up a few misconceptions about how evolution actually works.
Dick: Thank God.
Voicemail: Alright, so let's start with some of our terminology. Mutation is the same thing as being born with a superpower. (Maddox laughs) That's right. Um, it is random like you were saying. The random part is that just because someone's born with a mutant gene, it's totally random what superpower they're actually gonna get. They might get retractable claws, they might get eye lasers... (Dick and Maddox laugh) If they're really lucky like me, they'll be a mind reader.
Dick: Eye lasers! (laughing)
Voicemail: Now, survival of the fittest. Survival of the fittest comes in when there's gonna be an epic superhero battle. You know, that's the only way we can settle out which random mutation is actually gonna help you succeed in your environment. So is it gonna be better to have super speed or super strength? Is it better to control fire or is it better to control ice? So you have to have these epic battles, uh, preferably ones that destroy half of New York City in order to figure that out. Alright? So there is a place in evolution for both random selection and survival of the fittest. I just thought I would call and clear that up.
Voicemail: Uh, if you have any more questions about evolution, feel free to stop by my school. And Dick, you can go tell Magneto to go fuck himself.
Maddox: So was that...that guy was from Cornell?
Dick: Charles Xavier?
Maddox: Charles Xavier.
Dick: I think he was British. The real professor? I mean the fake...the real fake Professor X?
Maddox: The guy...the caller. I'm not sure that...I'm gonna have to do some fact checking for that call. (cracks up)
Dick: Oh, yeah. No, I believe he went to school in England.
Dick: Yeah. Uh, alright, one more.
Dick: One more. [plays final message, a remix]
(series of clips from Episode 55 mixed together)
Maddox: Um, yeah man, I can't wait to grow up and I'm gonna bang a chick...you know, you're bangin' both! That's...that's two for one! (Maddox starts giggling)
Dick: Maddox, that's horrifying!
Dick: Are you high?
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean and Maddox laugh)
("I Wanna Get High" by Cypress Hill starts playing)
Maddox: Who sent this in? What is this? More bags of sand?? (yelling)
Dick: I forget.
Maddox: That's great! (Maddox laughs) That's great! You don't want that kid b-...I dunno, just as a...hahahaaah. You're welcome, ladies.
(Male singer: I want to get hiiiiiiigh, soooo hiiiiiiigh...) (Maddox laughs loudly)
Dick: Jackie Treehorn sent this in.
Maddox: Like, if I... (cracks up) ...was sitting around, I will run into just strangers who come to your land and they're just BITCHING about the pizza!
Maddox: "Oh, you gotta check out Di Forno's! You gotta check out Di Giorno's, or Di Dor-...John's, or Joe's," or whatever the fuck! It mutilates your vagina!
Dick: Um... (everyone giggles)
Maddox: H ow about this for ruining the fun? A fuckin' pizza snob who won't shut the fuck up and let you eat your meal. You gotta carry watermelons for them next thing, you know?
Maddox: I love Cypress Hill, I don't give a shit.
Maddox: Clever. That's me. (giggles)
Maddox: Good song!
Maddox: You think grapes are the only thing that weather affects? No, man!
Dick: What the hell are you talkin' about? (Maddox and Dick laugh loudly)
Maddox: Well, first of all, if you're still inexperienced in high school. But I guess two...two...
Dick: What is going on??
Dick: Go ahead!
Maddox: No, you d-...no, uh-uh. Uh-uh, no. Eh, you just...you're just never very specific.
Dick: You are bein' real spacey right now. What's up?
Maddox: No, I'm -
Dick: (interjects) What's goin' on?
Maddox: I'm not spacey!!
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're being very, like, spacey and weird. What's goin' on?
Maddox: This is the most in-tune I've ever been in my life!
(Male singer: I want to get hiiiiiiiiigh...)
Maddox: Flat, soggy, sad... so floppy, it can't even hold its structure. Sad, folded... no, man! It's...I mean, yeah! What...I mean, it's gross and weird, but uh...
Maddox: Everybody's a pizza snob and an idiot. Um, except...except, like, people who...you know? Blue-collar worker, the salt-of-the-earth workers, but then there's the people who like...they like good pizza too. There is such thing as good pizza, right? I mean, objectively.
Maddox: Is there?
Dick: Sure! It's pizza! (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: (laughs) Uh-huh! Yeeeah. Ohh! Uh-huh! Yeeeah. Ohh! (Maddox laughs)
(record scratch sound effect; Cypress Hill song stops)
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) You know what? I take everything back. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Good! Good song.