The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 55
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey!! What's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back! We have just recorded Episode...our bonus episode!
Dick: Bonus Episode 8!
Maddox: Yeah, Bonus Episode 8 just came out.
Maddox: That was a fun one!
Dick: That was!
Dick: All solutions this time. Let's say that.
Dick: Last time we fucked up. We brought in a bunch of problems, it seems.
Maddox: Hey, speak for yourself. I think our listeners fucked up by voting wrong. (Dick laughs) IDIOTS.
Maddox: They don't have...they don't have the intellectual capacity that I have, or my ability... (stumbled over "intellectual"; cracks up)
Dick: They probably can't even say it. (both laugh)
Maddox: I was gonna... (laughs more) I was waitin' for it. Or the ability to enunciate "intellectual." There it is.
Dick: Go check out the bonus episode. Oh, I have a...I have a review, 'cause our bonus episodes are on iTunes as well. They're supposed to be $1.99 but it takes a couple days for iTunes to fix the price, 'cause it's so long they automatically put 10 bucks on it. But -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, people send me emails and they say it's like 10 dollars, and I get pissed off because it's too low! I think it should be 100 dollars!
Dick: Here's a review on one of the episodes, one of the bonus episodes, by Uli Troyo. "Don't you want to know what the solution to all the world's problems is? DON'T YOU??" (Maddox laughs) "From eschewing your useless meat body to paying more for things, Dick and Maddox are here to find a way to fix your petty existence." (Maddox laughs more) "With luck, they'll even fix your ugly face. Download or die."
Maddox: Ahaha, I love that review!
Dick: Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: That better be 5 stars.
Dick: I imagine it is. I didn't check.
Maddox: OR, or 100 stars out of 5, like I gave the Mad Max movie that just came out recently.
Dick: Oh yeah, you really liked that one.
Maddox: Yeah, it was a good movie! Have you seen it yet, Dick?
Dick: No, no.
Maddox: Oh, man. Sean, did you see it?
Sean: Yeah, I did.
Maddox: Oh my gosh, I gotta go see it again.
Dick: Did you like it as much as these guys?
Sean: In some ways it's one of the most impressive movies I've ever seen, because they used almost no CGI.
Dick: Oo, I like that!
Sean: Like, the stunts are incredible, but you have to be okay with having no characters and no story whatsoever.
Dick: Absolutely hate that.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Sean: No, I know.
Maddox: What do you hate, Dick?
Dick: I hate having no characters and no story.
Maddox: You hate that??
Dick: Yeah, I need characters and story.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: That's why I go see a movie.
Maddox: STUPID. (Dick laughs) Dumb. That's the dumbest thing.
Dick: I knew there was a problem when you gave it 100 stars.
Maddox: 100... (cracks up)
Dick: I knew there...I knew that it was something like this.
Maddox: Yeah, the problem is I didn't give it a 1,000. That fuckin' movie's awesome!
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: Everyone's an idiot except for me. That movie was great. I'm gonna go see it again! I'm gonna see it every single...for every person who doesn't see it, I'm gonna see it 3 times.
Dick: Well, you know what you're gonna see today is 30 seconds of Titanic. (smiles)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick!!
Dick: 'Cause you fuckin' lost last...
Maddox: This is BULLSHIT!
Dick: ...last week.
Maddox: I didn't lose! It's not...it's not a fuckin' competition! It doesn't even make sense. You know why, dickhead? Here's why the show's not a competition. First of all, because I don't wanna always argue with you. (Dick laughs) And second, I voted up Perfectionism! I did! I thought it was a bigger problem. Of...so last week, between -
Dick: (interjects) Really? I can check the database to see if that's true.
Maddox: Do it!
Maddox: I'll give you my IP address. It's 79.fuckyou. Anyway, um... (everyone laughs) Uh, I do...I do have most of my IP address memorized. Anyway, Perfectionism came in #1...
Maddox: ...of the problems last week, followed by People Who Complain About Being Cold All The Time and Forest Fires. You guys all thought that all three of those were problems. I do have a correction to make though, Dick. Last week, I talked about how forest fires kill around 3,000 people a year. That is incorrect. The stats that I looked at from FEMA.org, I believe, were including all fatalities due to all fires, including residential. The forest fire deaths -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah.
Maddox: The forest fire deaths I cited last episode included fatalities due to fire, not just forest fires. Non-residential building fire fatalities are much lower, around 30 to 60 per year.
Dick: And you STILL lost, even with a...a stable full of lies at your disposal.
Maddox: You don't lose, dickhead. We have to consider all the problems in the universe to find the biggest.
Dick: Uh, this one...I got a lot of feedback on the Perfectionism problem, which was surprising to me.
Dick: 'Cause I didn't know it was so...I didn't know it was such a big problem when I brought it in.
Maddox: I know. (chuckling)
Dick: I just brought it in to be a dickhead.
Maddox: I know! That's what everyone... (Dick laughs) Everyone noticed in the comments, too. They're like, "Dick doesn't even know what he brought in," and then it turned out to be a really good, rich problem.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause I can't...I can't identify with it at all!
Maddox: I know. Oh. (chuckling)
Dick: But people are...a lot of people are sending me emails, like heartfelt emails about how it's kind of ruined their lives.
Dick: Like, perfectionism has ruined their...they've sat on projects for years and never done them, um...
Dick: One...I wanna read one specifically from Andrew Glover. "Hey Dick, I love your podcast. I've been a big fan of you and Maddox for years. I hope you both can continue to create great things. The problem that you brought in on Tuesday resonated pretty strongly with me. A longtime friend of mine took his own life last Wednesday. He was an absolute perfectionist and in constant mental pain. Thank you for bringing this problem that most people, including myself, are completely unaware of." Including me! Uh, "I feel that the best way to honor his memory is share what he has done. Here's a listing of some of his amazing work," and he sent a link to, uh... "Thanks for everything you do." He sent a link to this kid's art, and it's pretty cool!
Dick: Yeah! It's really...I brought some of it in. You tell me. I don't wanna put you on the spot to judge a deceased person's artwork, but I think you would like it.
Maddox: Whoooa! That is really cool!
Maddox: Like, legitimately. I was ready to shit on it.
Dick: Right! Yeah, I know, me too!
Maddox: That is actually really cool! Sean, we're lookin' at a picture of this guy. It looks like an elephant man...
Maddox: ...done in a really cool style. It's almost like Earthworm Jim style.
Dick: Yes, it is!
Dick: Yeah. Elephant with a top hat, no eyes in his eye sockets, he's full of holes...
Maddox: Do you have any more of his art? Let's take...
Dick: Yeah, I do. I got a couple. There's, like, an evil Ernie.
Maddox: Oh man, that's super cool!
Dick: I know! Isn't that cool?
Dick: Perfectionist, huh.
Maddox: Wow! He's gone now, that sucks.
Dick: This one's really cool. I like this one.
Maddox: This one... (laughs)
Dick: The rainbow!
Maddox: It's a rainbow.
Dick: Immediately the rainbow threw you off.
Maddox: Not a fan. It looks...although there are skulls at the bottom, which is pretty cool.
Dick: Yeah, that is pretty cool.
Maddox: I like that guy's art! I like that guy's art. Pretty cool dude, sorry for your loss. Sorry for OUR loss. You know, I just watched the documentary "Some Kind of Heck," whatever? Oh no, "Montage of Heck," the Kurt Cobain documentary?
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Uh, here's my review of it. (buzzer sound effect) Thumbs down. (both laugh) Speaking of perfectionists. That -
Dick: (interjects) That's kind of weird, a daughter makin' a movie about her dead dad, right?
Maddox: Was it though? I think she was just...
Dick: It's his daughter?
Maddox: I think her name was just attached to it as a producer.
Dick: No, I read an interview from her about it. It was...I mean -
Maddox: (interjects) I did too. In Rolling Stone, right?
Dick: Yeah, I thought she was...I thought she put some effort into it. Did it...did you think it was just attached?
Maddox: I think that movie was more about the director than it was about, uh, Kurt Cobain, because they kept -
Dick: (interjects) That's a shame.
Maddox: I mean, they...the word "montage" is not underplayed in the title. It is a lot of montages, and the montages have nothing to do with anything. It's just the director kinda, like, showing off his college art project, his college...you know, film school project.
Dick: Wow, I really hate that!
Maddox: Yeah, it's just...it's a bunch of, like, stupid animation and sketches and stylistic bullshit.
Dick: Set to, like, Nirvana soundtrack?
Maddox: Yeah, and they did a couple interesting things, like they told you a few things in his upbringing, his first girlfriend, where he grew up...kind of interesting. And then they played some versions of Nirvana songs done really stylistically, like an acoustic and a piano version. Um...
Dick: Sounds kinda shitty.
Maddox: Yeah! It was pretty disappointing, and then the movie ends with "Oh, uh, Kurt Cobain killed himself," and then credits. Nothin'!
Maddox: That's where the movie ends?! Are you ki-...that's where the story begins! What are you talkin' about?
Dick: Yeah, you're right!
Maddox: Everything interesting -
Dick: (interjects) That's the beginning of the story.
Maddox: Yeah! I mean, he only lived to 27 years old. Everything interesting happened after his death.
Dick: Yeah! Huh.
Maddox: Whatever. (muttering)
Dick: Do you remember where you were when, uh, they announced that he was dead?
Maddox: Yeah, I was at home watchin' MTV. (laughs) It was just like...
Dick: Me too!
Maddox: MTV News. Yeah, MTV News came on.
Dick: I can remember it exactly, and I wasn't a huge Nirvana fan. I wonder if that's gonna be like the moment for our generation that everyone remembers where they...
Maddox: No, that moment is 9/11, dickhead. It's not when... (chuckles) ...when Kurt Cobain died.
Dick: I don't know! (both laugh) They don't have to keep reminding you to remember that Kurt Cobain killed himself. They gotta keep reminding you about 9/11.
Maddox: "Never forget!"
Dick: "Don't forget! Don't forget!"
Dick: You're like, "Uhh, why?"
Dick: Okay. I got a voicemail for ya.
Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (dopey voice) Hey Maddox, this is #DancingMan. (Maddox laughs) Just calling in to say that I actually loved my party Saturday night. Never in my life have I been in the company of such illustrious and beautiful women.
Dick: Of course!
Voicemail: All within a 20-foot vicinity of myself. (Maddox and Dick laugh)Your unjustified complaints about my party have been completely rendered obsolete. The party had a DJ and even lights. (more giggling) Wish you could've been there, but it seems like you never responded to your Tumblr invitation. Oh well, your loss!
Dick: Is that true? (Maddox laughs more)
Voicemail: Maybe you can make it out to next year's party. Here's the part where I would normally tell Dick to go fuck himself, but we raised $30,000 for the National Bullying Prevention Center in an effort to discourage that kind of behavior. Have a nice day!
(Dick and Maddox still giggling)
Dick: I bet you feel pretty stupid now!
Maddox: Ahhhh. (smiling)
Sean: He threw out the first pitch at a Dodgers game the other day.
Dick: That guy did?!
Dick: Did he have a heart attack after?
Sean: No, the grounds crew had to come out and build the mound back up though. (Dick and Maddox laugh hysterically)
Maddox: Oh, man. Yeah, I saw that pitch. I saw the, uh, the dance party too. Which, by the way, I saw the...it is the most uncomfortable, awkward thing I've ever seen, seeing that guy dance on Good Morning America or whatever that show was, where he's standing onstage with the girl who sings the, um, "All About the Bass" song?
Dick: I don't know who that is.
Maddox: I don't know her name.
Maddox: You know that "All About the Bass"...?
Dick: I know "All About the Bass," sure.
Maddox: Yeah. She's on there and then there's some other girl, and they're...it's the three of them standing on a stage, dancing in front of thousands of people and in front of MILLIONS of people.
Dick: It's disgusting!
Maddox: Uh... (cracks up) I won't go so far as to call it disgusting.
Dick: The spectacle of it is disgusting to me.
Maddox: Oh, the spectacle. Yeah.
Dick: Like, these people throwing this, like... (stammers) I don't know what to call it. This, um...
Maddox: Pity party! A literal pity party, yeah!
Dick: It's a pity party, but they're pretending it's not. It's like a ge-...it's like a very disingenuous celebration of...nothing! Of, like...it has nothing to do with him as a person.
Dick: It's...I don't know why it's disgusting to me, but it really is. The whole spectacle is.
Maddox: I'll tell you what, Dick. A lot of people have been sending me emails and saying, "Hey man, they threw this party for the guy." Not necessarily throwing it in my face, but just pointing out that it happened, and...it's irrelevant! I don't...it doesn't matter whether or not they throw the party. What the problem is, the damage is already done. You went on this national manhunt, this international manhunt to find a guy against his own will and consent and pressured him into doing what he did!
Maddox: That's what happened! That's the pro-...that's the damning part here. You know, Dick, everyone -
Dick: (interjects) Even though he had fun?
Dick: Even though he had fun, doesn't matter? Doesn't matter.
Maddox: The outcome is irrelevant!
Maddox: It could've turned out completely differently. You couldn't have known that that would've been the outcome, so you're not justified in doing what you did!
Maddox: There was that guy who...in Idaho, this car went off a cliff. It was teetering off a ravine, just like in movies, and like outta nowhere this reserve firefighter, whatever, shows up. He just happened to either be driving by or he saw it happen. He rescued this person, and then didn't stick around to talk to media, didn't stick around to take a...talk to reporters.
Maddox: He said specifically, "I don't wanna be found. I don't want any attention."
Dick: I do that all the time!
Maddox: "Leave me alone." (scoffs) (Dick laughs) What, Dick? You do what?
Dick: Save people on the side of the road -
Dick: - and I don't wanna be thanked for it, so I go...I go home.
Maddox: Armchair hero.
Dick: All the time!
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway man, yeah, it's irrelevant. What happened after the fact is irrelevant. My...that's why I said in my story it's irrelevant whether or not he wanted to be found; you didn't know that before the fact. And by the way Dick, when this happened, I looked up where the party was happening in Hollywood...
Maddox: ...and I found the location, and then I was going to crash this party!
Dick: Oh, that would've been funny.
Maddox: I was going to wear a disguise... (cracks up) Yeah! (Dick laughs) I was gonna wear a disguise and crash this party.
Dick: What, an additional beard over your beard? What kind of disguise were you gonna wear? (laughing)
Maddox: A clever one. Uh, you know, I can wear a disguise. I'm not gonna give it up.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Because I... (stammers) You know, then people will know what my disguise is.
Maddox: But I was gonna wear my disguise and sneak into this party, and I'm...which you know I'm really good at doing!
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: I sneak into parties all the time. Um, then I started looking at photos and videos and pictures from Instagram. All these fucking...these fucking girls who were just going there and turning this into, uh, vanity! They were...it's just narcissism! They were showing up at this party not because of this fat guy dancing; they were showing up to this party to promote THEMSELVES.
Maddox: That's what was so disgusting about it to me, is that all of this was narcissism and vanity. They weren't doing anything good for anyone! They happened to raise $30,000 and they were pressured into giving it to a charity, not because they necessarily wanted to, but because they felt that, "Well, now we're gonna look like assholes if we raised $30,000 and just piss it away on this giant party." Which, by the way, they didn't hold in the LA Coliseum. That, uh, whatever that place -
Dick: (interjects) The ghetto Coliseum? Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, the one that they were supposedly donated. AND, Pharrell didn't show up like he said he was going to. He had a -
Dick: (interjects) That motherfucker.
Maddox: Yeah! He had a pre-recorded video that they played at the event.
Dick: Ohhh, god. There's something very...there's something, like, um...it reminds me of a very debauched, like, aristocratic orgy when I think about it and when I see the kind of people who are participating in it.
Dick: It's like society is a glass of Guinness; it's the foam at the top that I could just lop off.
Dick: Like, that's...that's who's at that party.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Seriously -
Dick: (interjects) You know?
Maddox: I was ready to walk out the door to crash this party, and I got so disgusted at the people who were there...
Maddox: Seriously! I never feel that viscerally...I rarely feel that viscerally.
Dick: No, I totally...I totally agree with you.
Maddox: Yeah! I saw...I was disgusted with the vanity and narcissism I saw of these dickheads, and I decided, "You know what? I don't even wanna be there for a few minutes, even to goof on them." I was gonna show up... (chuckles) I was gonna show up and take a picture of myself with the, uh...Sean O'Brien, the dancing man?
Dick: Yeah. Oh, that's his name?
Maddox: That's his name, yeah.
Maddox: Sean O'Brien, I believe. I was gonna show up and take a picture with him and maybe even, like, goof on him a little bit, but I thought, "Man, I don't even wanna be there for a few minutes. I can't stand it." Everyone looked like such a fucking huge asshole.
Dick: His appreciation of it makes me think of, like, a...like a mail-order bride. Like, a bride who's been bought and paid for, and then she's like, "Oh, I love my life here!" and I'm like, "You...you don't really."
Dick: Like, you can't! You CAN'T, 'cause this is sick and unnatural.
Maddox: And it's so condescending how they said that "you're going to get all this attention from women," which is just...condescending!
Dick: Totally not true!! The women looked disgusted dancing with him! Like, did you see the videos and the still shots?
Maddox: Some of them, some of them. Uh, but that -
Dick: (interjects) It made me uncomfortable.
Maddox: That's irrelevant, 'cause the guy...I think the guy's engaged! He has either a fiancée or a wife. He's either engaged or married, which is VERY condescending. You're saying essentially to this guy who's engaged, "Oh, we're gonna give you attention from women," like you're assuming he doesn't already get it, you fuckin' idiots.
Maddox: And then they had this choreographed dance sequence with a bunch of, um...you know, a bunch of, uh, a bunch of people who showed up to this thing. It was a really disgusting spectacle. Very vain, very narcissistic. And that's coming from a me, a guy who has a website called "The Best Page in the Universe."
Dick: You are vain. (Maddox chuckles) And narcissistic, that's true. Alright, we're getting...we're getting outta control.
Maddox: Hey, hey!
Dick: 'Cause we already have a...
Maddox: Wait, I have a...
Dick: ...full show.
Maddox: Before we move on -- speaking of vain and narcissistic -- Dick, you know a long time ago I brought in Female Genital Mutilation as a problem.
Dick: Yeah, it was gross.
Maddox: Episode #13, and it is currently #2 on the biggest problem in the universe list. And just this last week, they banned female genital mutilation in Nigeria!
Dick: Oh, good!
Maddox: Yeah!! ('ding!' sound effect) (clapping sound effect)
Dick: You did it!
Maddox: That's right, I did it! It's all me. In fact, I have a little song I...I wanna play as a commemoration.
Maddox: For me, in honor of me. [plays victory song]
(mumbling "Maddox is" over Queen's "We Are the Champions")
(Maddox giggles to himself)
Dick: Did you make this shit?
Noooo time for loooosers...
[song fades out]
Maddox: Oh, man. (smiling) What a winner.
Dick: Did you clear the rights for that?
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) I don't need to!
Dick: No? Hey, remember when you said you would argue any economist?
Dick: Okay. Somebody called in.
Dick: And I think they're very serious about this.
Maddox: Oho? Alright. (amused)
Dick: Here you go. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (yelling in macho voice) Hello brother, this is Hulk Hogan! (Maddox laughs) And lemme see if I got you right, Jack! Maddox wants to have a debate about economics? Well, look no further, because Hulkamania accepts your challenge! Next Sunday, live on pay-per-view from the Silverdome, where not too long ago I body-slammed the 800-pound Andre the Giant in front of 90,000 screaming Hulkamaniacs. We'll debate about interest and hopefully the inflation there won't be from all the hot air comin' outta your pie hole, brother! (Maddox laughs) What are my credentials? I got these two 28-inch bachelor's degrees in finance! (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Voicemail: Now in the meantime, all the screaming Hulkamaniacs and all your Maddox maggots can say their prayers and eat their vitamins because Sunday, brother, whatcha gonna do when Hulk Hogan's investment portfolio runs wild on YOU?? (Dick and Maddox giggling) And that's a fact, Jack!!
(Maddox still laughing)
Dick: You got any response for that?
Maddox: Uh... (chuckles) Uh, yeah. Bring it, Hulk!!
Dick: Okay! (laughing)
Maddox: Fuckin' nerdiest Hulk Hogan I've ever heard.
Dick: Amazingly, I'm gonna play you another voicemail. This is...this happened; totally different guy.
Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (yelling in macho voice) Maddox, I'm callin' you out! This is Macho Man Randy Savage. (Dick and Maddox laugh hysterically) And if you thought armchair economists were bad, wait until you get in the ring with a ringside economist!! (more laughing) There's a reason that the WWE, the Worldwide Wrestling Economist championship belt is made out of GOOOLD! We're gonna get into the ring and I'm gonna debate you into oblivion! I'll snap you like a Slim Jim with a flying elbow drop over our breakaway podium! I would love to hear your comment about that, BITCH! (Maddox and Dick laugh more)
Maddox: "BITCH!!" (gruffly)
Dick: You have that whole tag team on you now.
Maddox: Yeah, bring it!
Dick: What were they called, the Super Powers?
Maddox: The, uh, the Worldwi-...World Wrestling Economists.
Dick: No, what were they...what were they called when they were a tag team? Macho Man and Hulk Hogan?
Maddox: Oh, I don't remember.
Dick: Oh, they were called something big.
Dick: The Mega Powers, I think it was!
Maddox: The Mega Powers, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Well, there you go.
Maddox: Well, I'll body slam you right through a broken PODIUM fallacy, dickhead!!
Dick: Oho, 'kay. Um, somebody sent in...oh, somebody sent in...Alex Petrushevski said, "Hey Dick, if you're having a problem with bad blowjobs, this gal's got you covered." And it's a woman giving an instructional video.
Maddox: Oh, boy.
Dick: Do you have any interest in hearing that?
Maddox: Uh...not really! But let's, uh, let's...I know you're gonna play it! [Dick plays grapefruit video]
Dick: This is for real.
Maddox: Oh my god. (laughing) This is a video?
Female Instructor: Now this is my bonus technique, the grapefruit. Normally you can only get this technique in one of my classes...
Maddox: Oh, I've seen this!
Dick: Oh, you have seen it?
Dick: Alright, I don't... [pauses video] I don't wanna...I don't wanna bore you with the details if you've already seen it.
Maddox: Did you listen to that whole video, Dick?
Dick: Yeah, I...do you want me to get to the good part at the end?
Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty gross.
Maddox: You'll wanna hear...yeah.
Dick: Here, here.
Maddox: For our listeners!
Dick: Yeah, she cuts a hole in a grapefruit.
Dick: This is her advice.
Dick: Cut a grapefruit into a section and cut a hole in the middle of it...
Maddox: Uh-huh, and then -
Dick: ...and use that like a sex toy.
Maddox: Put that through...put the dick through the hole, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, here we go. [skips ahead, resumes video]
Female Instructor: So what you're gonna do is just...suck his dick, just like you said you were gonna do.
(awful-sounding slurping and gagging noises)
(Dick and Maddox giggle loudly)
Female Instructor: Once he's nice and erect -
Dick: [cuts off video] That's it!!
Dick: That's...she goes immediately back into talking!
Dick: Yeah. There you go. (Maddox laughs again)
Maddox: That's a real video, Sean. And watching the video is just as disgusting as it sounds. Dick, I got a voicemail. This guy had a problem with what you had to say about cyclists, or as you call them, "bicyclers."
Dick: Bicyclers. [Maddox plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (English accent) Evening gents, I'm the co-host of the BBC's "The Largest Piss-Take in the Kingdom," Cock Wankerson.
Dick: Hm. (Maddox chuckles)
Voicemail: I loved how on point Dick was with his whole "the law's the law" thing. 26 cyclists should all stop one by one at stop signs. It slows everything down to all bloody hell, which I guess Dick has a problem with.
Voicemail: For 51 episodes now, my Yankee counterpart has been going off at the seams about drug laws being stupid. Something about "victimless crimes" or whatever.
Voicemail: I now realize he's been acting like a fuckin' idiot on purpose all this time and is really one of the good guys. Anyways Dick, love your self-satire, especially how smugly you impugn cyclists for being smug. (Maddox snickers) 'Til next time: Dick, go fuck yourself.
Maddox: That was John Costanzo. Yeah man, uh, so Mr. "The Law's the Law, You Should Follow the Law," Mr. Burning Man Drug User over here.
Dick: Yeah, change the law. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Dick: I don't know what...what do you want me to say about it?
Maddox: So simple. You impugned cyclists for...rolling through stop signs, God forbid.
Dick: Well, do they...do they follow the law or not? Are they a bike or a car?
Maddox: They're...they're a bike.
Dick: Are they a person or a car?
Maddox: They're a bike.
Dick: 'Cause I had to dodge one of these pricks on the sidewalk like 2 days ago.
Maddox: Mhm. Meanwhile -
Dick: (interjects) Barreling down the sidewalk on his goddamn bicycle!
Maddox: Wow. You know what, Dick? Um, cry me a river. When cyclists are responsible for 32,000 deaths a year, then come crying to me about us rolling through stop signs, dickhead. Then I'll listen to your grievances about how bad cyclists are. And by the way, again, kiss our asses, because every time you're drivin' someplace, every single cyclist you see? Count that...imagine that being another car that you're stuck behind. You're welcome.
Dick: Yeah. (irritated) Um, here's...I got one more voicemail. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, uh, nice job actually getting a guest who doesn't fucking suck dick and try to talk over you guys and act like he's fuckin' hilarious. "Uh guh wuh guh buh guh jibber jibber!" (goofy voice) like he's on some fuckin'... (Dick and Maddox laughing hysterically) ...7 A.M. radio show that a buncha fuckin' sad people listen to on their way to work. Nice job! I'm being...you know? I pay for your bonus episodes...
Voicemail: ...so I'm...you know? I'm a consumer, and I appreciate that you guys...uh, you guys should bring this dude on more often, and uh, you know? Maybe...maybe, you know, pump the brakes a little bit on, uh, our good friend, uh...Mysterious Coconuts. (Maddox spits out laughing)
Dick: Ohhhh. (dismayed)
Voicemail: Uh, he's kinda funny, but, you know...um, I think he's...he's a little bit obnoxious, so, you know? Keep doin' what you're doin', and yeah -
Maddox: (talks over voicemail) Yeah. Unlike our callers. (annoyed)
Dick: Throwin' down the gauntlet!
Maddox: Yeah. Unlike our callers, who are never obnoxious. I got a comm-
Dick: (interjects) Asterios did send in a bit. Do you wanna hear it?
Dick: Or do we have time for that?
Maddox: No! Let's hear...uh, yeah! Let's hear it, actually, after the first, uh...after the first problem. We'll tease that.
Maddox: I got a comment from Daniel E. Warren. (cracks up) 'Cause I mentioned Socrates last, uh, last episode and how I walked around without a jacket 'cause...'cause I heard -
Dick: (interjects) Like an asshole.
Maddox: (chuckles) Like a cool guy. He says, "If Socrates did it, Maddox is gonna do it. Better watch out, teenage boys." (laughs loudly with Sean) Fuck you, Darren, Daniel...Daniel E. Warren.
Dick: Alright, I got enough of these comments.
Dick: Oh!! No, somebody sent in something about FightCade! Did you know about this?
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: I'm tryin' to put together this Street Fighter fight between you and this Matt Barr guy.
Maddox: Yeah, I looked into it. It's not an online streaming thing. You have to download a client, which means it's easy to hack. I'm not going to -
Dick: (interjects) Easy to hack?! (disdainful)
Dick: What...you think this guy's gonna hack a FightCade Street Fighter client??
Maddox: Well, there's a lot at stake!
Dick: Who do you think you're dealin' with here, Neo from The Matrix? (Maddox laughs) Come on!! Don't puss out, Maddox!
Dick: Is this just...?
Maddox: No, man! I said, "Let's do it in a real arcade!" I'll play it against a...play against an arcade machine that hasn't been tinkered.
Dick: Alright, the promotion continues. Now I know what it's like to try to put a big fight together.
Maddox: Dick, uh, can I get to the problems?
Maddox: Yeah? My first problem this week, possibly the biggest problem in the universe, is voice recognition! Or speech recognition!
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: It's awful.
Maddox: Huge problem. (clapping sound effect) Yeah! It's a -
Dick: (interjects) It is awful.
Maddox: It's AWFUL, man. Did you know the earliest form of speech recognition was from 1932, by Bell Labs?
Dick: And it hasn't gotten any better.
Maddox: It's still just as shitty. They built a single-speaker digit recognition system by locating peaks in the power spectrum of each utterance. Then in the 1950s, the system had a vocabulary recognition of around 10 words. So -
Dick: (interjects) Uh, first of all, I call bullshit on that.
Dick: I bet it had a recognition of, uh, maybe one word. Half the time.
Maddox: Or zero, like it still does. And then in 1969, an influential engineer named John Robinson Pierce wrote an open letter that was critical of speech recognition research. In 1969, this guy! He was way ahead of his time! (Dick chuckles) He compared speech recognition to schemes for turning water into gasoline, extracting gold from the sea, curing cancer, or going to the moon. (laughs)
Maddox: I guess... (chuckles) Yeah, he knew...yeah, I guess he was wrong about most of those.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: Uh, curing cancer? We've since cured some forms of cancer, we've since gone to the moon, and we can definitely extract gold from the sea. Um... (cracks up) He defunded speech recognition at Bell Labs. I guess he was wrong about the other stuff though. Then, uh...you know what though? I was lookin' into this, and as a math guy -- I was a math major in college -- the mathematics behind speech recognition is truly fascinating. They use this thing called a hidden Markov model. Have you ever heard of this, Dick? The hidden Markov model, HMM?
Maddox: It takes a small interval signal, like a 10-millisecond signal, and then they approximate that to a stationary process, so it means it's not changing over time, right? It's constant with regard to time. Then they output a small 10-dimensional vector every 10 milliseconds, which does a Fourier transform on this short-frame speech, decorrelating the spectrum using a cosine transform. I know that sounds like a whole bunch of math jargon, but essentially what they're doing is -
Dick: (interjects) It sounds just as good as the translations that come out of it. Like total bullshit.
Maddox: No, it's not total bullshit. (cracks up) The -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but it doesn't work!
Dick: That's what I'm saying! All of this "blah blah blah" sounds exactly like the transcribed voice-...uh, the transcribed voicemails that we get every week.
Dick: Log in and read some of them.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, basically what it means is they're trying to fit the waveform of your speech pattern to a recognized waveform.
Maddox: And so for those who don't know, which is the majority of people 'cause you're not math people, a Fourier transform comes from the simple sum of waves represented as sines and cosines. So you know when you take a precalculus class, you see waves that come in sines and cosines. Everything can be represented...every wave can be represented as a sum of sines and cosines. Every peak and valley can be represented as a sine and cosine, right? Right??
Dick: I don't know, you're the math guy. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, well...
Dick: You tell us!
Maddox: It is! It is. And then, like, different amplitudes, you're just multiplying by different coefficients. Since every wave can be represented as a piecemeal sum of sines and cosines, you could theoretically represent every sound utterance mathematically. The problem is, the more accurate you want that sound to be represented, the more data points you need, which means that the more complex mathematics need to be used to solve that problem. That's why voice recognition is so shitty today! We're using our phone processors to do complex voice recognition when they're overburdened with free apps that sit there downloading shitty ads on your cell phones all fucking day. While your stupid iPhone is sitting there spending precious CPU cycles rendering window animations and glossy-looking buttons, your speech recognition software is choking!
Dick: Yeah, but I don't think it...I don't think that's true.
Maddox: It's true!
Dick: It sends...no, it sends it off to the server.
Maddox: Well, sometimes -
Dick: (interjects) The iPhone doesn't do the...Siri doesn't do the voice recognition itself. It sends it off to the...the mainframe.
Dick: "Beep boop beep."
Maddox: You're right. Sometimes hardware will use cloud computing to do speech recognition...
Maddox: ...which does a better job, but the tradeoff is that you have to transport lots of data back and forth between servers. You're essentially sending as much data as an MP3 file if you want voice recognition to convert a 2- to 3-minute conversation. And the -
Dick: (interjects) So why does it never work then?
Dick: It's just always shit. I'm serious, log into our voicemail and read some of the...read some of the transcriptions that we got.
Maddox: It's awful.
Dick: 'Cause they're hilarious!
Maddox: Yeah. Adobe used to have this thing in Adobe Premiere, the editing suite for video, that would do a transcription of your, uh, your audio track. Right?
Maddox: They removed it after years of supporting it because they found that no matter how good it got, it just never got good enough.
Maddox: And same thing with, like, YouTube transcriptions. That's why we pay Laurie and Megan to do our transcriptions for our episodes, because there's just no solution out of the box that does a good job of it.
Dick: So every time you hear anything about science, like about something amazing science is gonna do...uh, like a driverless car...
Maddox: No. (annoyed)
Dick: ...or drones flying shit, just ask yourself the question: does the voice transcription work, and do the bathroom sensors work? Neither of them work, so whatever you're telling me that you've invented is probably horseshit.
Maddox: Yeah. I agree, Dick. Throw the baby out with the bath water.
Dick: They're just...they can never make it work!! They can never ma-...they can never get it that final, uh, that final yard. They can make something that does something kinda cool sometimes, but it never works.
Maddox: I believe automated cars are going to work. That technology has come so far in such a small period of time. And by the way, automated cars rely on a very small set of rules. The driving rules that we have, they can be reduced down to a couple of pages. 2-3 pages.
Dick: No, I'll bring in the driving...the Google self-driving car like next week or the week after.
Maddox: Yeah, great.
Dick: 'Cause it's a...it's so fuckin' horrible.
Maddox: No, it's not. I think it's gonna be the future. Um, I -
Dick: (interjects) You like that, but looking at how they did it, it's like, "Well, yeah, of course this isn't gonna work."
Maddox: Of course it's gonna work! It's simply scanning the environment for hazards and then trying to predict those hazards and trying to stop the car when it's supposed to, and...it's good technology, man!
Maddox: Yeah, computers...computers is also science! That works! Um, the problem with voice recognition is that no matter how good it gets, nothing will ever trump the convenience and privacy of touch-tones. 'Cause fuckin' Steve Jobs has ruined this, by the way. We used to have buttons on our phones. Voice recognition is the aural analog to touchscreens. Touchscreens look good and sound awesome IN THEORY, but in practice they're inaccurate, smudgy pieces of shit that get what you're typing wrong 50% of the time, so your CPU has to constantly be checking every key you type against a dictionary hash trying to guess what inane comment you were trying to text. Ever been on a crowded bus or in public while you're trying to call your bank or phone company? You stand there like an idiot yelling "speech access" or "checking" over and over into your phone, and then they expect you to yell your bank account number or credit card information into your phone over and over again until their stupid fucking system gets it. And even when it does get it right, it has to repeat it back to you to make sure that you got every single digit correctly, and then you have to listen to the slow-ass computer read back a 16-digit code just so you can press '1' or say "yes" to continue. It's fucking awful. And the worst is when you call into an airline, because they require you to say your confirmation code out loud, which is an alpha-numeric code which makes it nearly impossible for the computer to distinguish from the letter 'C' and 'Z', or the letter 'T' and 'D' or the number '3'. It's fucking AWFUL. After spending 5 minutes yelling into the stupid voice recognition it finally just puts you through to a person, which is what it should've done to begin with, which is what it has to do every time anyway, so now every phone call takes 5 minutes longer than it should have.
Dick: Yeah, just hammer '0's. Just like "0-0-0." Every time I call anywhere, as soon as the robot starts to talk I go "0-0-0-0-0."
Sean: That's true, but that used to work more than it does now.
Maddox: Yeah. They've changed it specifically for that reason.
Sean: I totally agree with your problem. I cannot stand that.
Maddox: They're awful.
Sean: When you're sitting there...yeah! "I'm sorry, I didn't get that." (robotically)
Sean: And it makes you repeat it!
Dick: And why do they talk so slow?? Like, why does the stupid computer lady have to talk so fucking slow?
Maddox: I think they've done studies and they found that if they talk slower it'll calm you down, which it doesn't! It pisses me off even more.
Dick: They should have a button where, like, if you want the fast version...no, press the number of speed you want.
Dick: So, like, '1' is the default, and when you call in you press '9'.
Dick: And she's like, "Press '0' to get connected to a customer service operator."
Maddox: You know what I like? The innovation that is, uh, that should be the future of customer support is online chat. I love online chat because I can do other things while I'm waiting on hold, right?
Maddox: Or I like the service where you call in, and very few companies do this, but you can call in and when you're put in queue, you put in your phone number and they will call you back as soon as it's your turn to talk to a representative.
Dick: Whoooa, that's cool.
Maddox: Yeah! Some power companies do that.
Maddox: Uh, that's technology that I actually like. What I hate is when I do online customer support and I talk to the representative, they say, "Well, you have to call in and get this taken care of over the phone." I'm like, "Why?! I have you on the line!"
Maddox: "Why can't you take care of it?" It's even...it's more clear, because when I'm typing it there's a paper trail of it. They don't want that. (Dick chuckles) Speech recognition doesn't recognize names, unless they're very common. That's another huge problem with it. They don't do well with accents or regional dialects, they don't understand tone, nuance or sarcasm, they can't get punctuation and grammar right; speech recognition is awful. It's worse than spending a weekend with ISIS. I FUCKING hate it. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: I don't get why it doesn't even try to punctuate.
Dick: Like, I'll do a whole thing in Siri...
Dick: ...and half of it will be correct, but there will be no periods. Like, no matter how long you wait, not a s-...not even a comma.
Dick: Not even a...not even an ellipsis.
Maddox: I've said -
Dick: (interjects) Where's this technology?
Maddox: I've experimented with saying the word "really" every different way I can, like "REALLY?" "Really." "Really?!" and it never adds a question mark to it!
Dick: Yeah. Do you think it's ever gonna get fixed? I don't think so.
Maddox: I mean, I think they'll try and I think they'll add little things, but it's only going to get probably 80% there. It's never -
Dick: (interjects) Like 100 years from now, do you think we'll have speech recognition? Like where you can talk into your phone and have it...or your watch, if you're Dick Tracy? (Maddox scoffs) And uh, it'll...it'll actually transcribe what you said?
Maddox: Fuckin' Apple Watch. Yes, I think so. I think in about 100 years, I think the technology probably will be...will get to a point where it's better.
Dick: I'm bettin' against us. I'm one of these guys that doesn't believe in the singularity. You know?
Maddox: Oh yeah? Well, that's 'cause you haven't tried the Oculus Rift, buddy. (Dick chuckles) Virtual reality, it's comin'!
Dick: Yeah, but wait a minute. Virtual reality is like several orders of magnitude harder than being able to transcribe the spoken word! And we're...we can't even touch that!
Maddox: No, virtual reality has come a long way already. It's -
Dick: (interjects) But so has voice recognition! Like, getting half the words right is...is okay.
Maddox: Voice recognition in almost a century is still garbage! Voice recognition...I feel like the rate at which voice recognition is improving is probably incremental, every 10 years or so. Every decade or so, voice recognition gets a percentage better, MAYBE.
Dick: Hmm. I don't -
Maddox: (interjects) So that's why I do think in 100 years it probably will be good enough, because like I said earlier, that Fourier transform where they're just trying to approximate every single utterance and every single waveform...
Maddox: ...to within sines and cosines, the only problem...the reason we don't have it as good right now is because we are limited by our technology and capacity for computation.
Dick: See, I disagree. This is what I think the problem is. 'Cause ev-...I think everyone talks...like, everyone talks differently and weird. Like, have you ever seen what the eyeball takes in as an image before your mind processes it into what you see as the world around you?
Maddox: Like a heat map?
Dick: Nononono, just like the actual data that your eyeball gets.
Dick: It's GARBAGE. It's like a mess.
Maddox: What...how do they know that?
Dick: I don't know. I just...I saw it online. I don't know.
Dick: And I believed it. Just, like, let's believe that for the sake of this...of what I'm about to say.
Dick: When you hear people, I think you're hearing a bunch of weird garbage too and most of the words you get are based on, like, the context.
Dick: If that's true, computers are fucked. There's no mathematical formula that's gonna pull the words that they're saying out of the...out of the noise.
Maddox: Well, that's true, Dick, but there is another possibility which I'm afraid of -- and I think that this is actually gonna happen -- is that our language is going to change and evolve over time so that it does become more computationally easy to recognize. We've already changed our language! Have you ever...like when you talk...the first time I ever talked to speech recognition, I realized, "Oh, this is not a human. This is a fucking machine and it needs me to enunciate properly."
Maddox: So I start say-...I start speaking more slowly, I start speaking more loudly and I start putting pauses in between my words so the computer recognizes where one word ends and another word begins.
Maddox: So I think that over time, maybe our language will evolve to be more friendly to computers, so that maybe down the line...like, already it has! Already our language has evolved. Even a generation or two ago, the amount of text abbreviations and emojis that we used were not around. For a speech pathologist, this is, like, a gold mine. You're seeing evolution in progress right now.
Dick: Ohoho, uh-oh.
Dick: I got a real good source to run this theory by. (grins)
Maddox: Okay... (Dick laughs)
Dick: My mom! My mom's a speech pathologist.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Yeah! It's an exciting time for speech pathology right now.
Dick: Okay, yeah. That's pretty safe.
Maddox: 'Cause they're seeing...or in linguistics, yeah. They're seeing, uh, they're seeing the evolution of our language. So it's possible, I think...you know, again, an argument for the digital singularity, Dick? I think that our language will become more similar to computationally-understood language and less like it is today.
Dick: Oh man, I...I don't know. That sounds weird.
Maddox: I mean, just look at the language in the 1800s. "Thee" and "thy" and "they" and all these...all these archaic words that we're no longer using. Our language has evolved! Or devolved, as the case may be.
Dick: I don't know if...that just seems like it...I don't know if it's, like, approaching a certain point though. Like, evolving just seems like it's kind of going randomly in weird directions. Language.
Maddox: That's not evolution, no.
Dick: That's...yeah it is. That's evolution.
Dick: Yeah! That's the definition of evolution, jackass.
Dick: Random...yes, it is! Random mutations that through survival of the fittest, the good ones are weeded out.
Maddox: It's not...survival of the fffff-....
Dick: Evolution is random mutations.
Maddox: Survival of the fittest is the mechanism. It's not evolution.
Dick: ...is where random mutations...
Dick: ...through the mechanism of survival of the fittest, turn into organisms that are more appropriately suited to their environment.
Dick: That's evolution. It's random. It's not specific; it's random.
Maddox: (hesitates) Uh... (exhales) Not always, I don't think so. I don't think that's always the case.
Dick: Yes, it's necessarily scientifically random!
Dick: You can't, like, evolve a thumb. You evolve weird shit that sprouts out and then the thumb people happen to survive.
Maddox: Well, I'm not sure...I'm not sure that it is random, because you have those moths in, uh, in forests that evolve to look like their surroundings. They didn't evolve bright fluorescent colors and then die off because their surroundings weren't bright fluorescent. There was a...there is...
Dick: They evolved randomly in little bits, and they gradually grew darker and darker. That's why those, like, weird poison frogs are so bright!
Maddox: (stammers) They adapt to their environment. Their environment is a variable, so I don't think it's random.
Dick: Are you saying that the environment dictates the random mutations of their genes?!
Maddox: It's not random.
Dick: That's oppos-...oh, see...
Maddox: Yeah. It's not entirely random.
Dick: I think you're gonna have an apology to make next episode.
Maddox: No, because the environment does have...does factor into evolution. Evolution...the survival of the fittest, uh, thing comes from this other guy, Wallace or whoever? That's not...that didn't come from, uh, Darwin. That's not like a...that's not Darwin's theory. He started -
Dick: (interjects) I'm not quoting Darwin.
Dick: I'm saying evolution is...random mutations.
Maddox: It CAN be, but it's not, uh, it's not entirely random. The environment does play into it, because when you become...when you evolve -- that phrase "survival of the fittest" -- when you evolve, you evolve to be the best suited for...uh, the best suited for that specific environment, not necessarily the best species ever.
Dick: What are you saying?
Maddox: I'm saying that evolution does have to do with the environment.
Dick: Are you sure we're talking about evolution?
Dick: Are you 100% sure?
Sean: Well, I think which species or which mutations that affect the animals are allowed to survive, they survive because of the environment that they're currently in, like a -
Dick: (interjects) Sean...
Sean: Mutations, I think, are random. Right?
Dick: Yeah, absolutely.
Sean: And then the ones that express certain traits, if they're in that environment at the time they tend to do better.
Dick: Alright. Are you done? Is that...do you have anything to respond to that? That's...I totally agree with what you're saying.
Maddox: No, I agree with what Sean said, the way he said it. He said mutations are random, but...the way you said it, Dick, it made it sound like any...any mutation is fair game. Like, any random mutation, like a...there could be a fish that could grow a human foot. That's just not po-...that's just not what we see.
Dick: Well, that's a big jump!
Maddox: Yeah. That's why I'm saying environment matters. Environment is...does factor into it.
Dick: Probably. I guess maybe it COULD.
Dick: That's a pretty big statistical anomaly, though.
Maddox: Well...anyway, man.
Dick: That's like, uh...that's like Heart of Gold, uh, Douglas Adams-level improbability you're talking about.
Maddox: Well, I guess. Anyway, dude. Uh, Speech Recognition, that's my problem. And you have your Asterios bit, right?
Dick: Oh yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: Boisterous Coconuts, let's hear. [Dick plays "Internet Hell" intro]
(spooky orchestra music)
Asterios: I'm Boisterous Coconuts...AND I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!!! (reverb effect) Bringing you the biggest problems on the World Wide Web, it's This Week in Internet Hell! (laughs maniacally with reverb) (thunder sound effect)
Dick: Kind of a long intro on that one.
Maddox: No, I like it. [Dick plays first "Internet Hell" bit]
(techno beat in background)
Asterios: (goofy voice) Wanna hear something that'll make you #depressed? (Maddox laughs) According to a study by Oxford University, the most important word to kids 13 and under...is "hashtag"!!
Asterios: Here's a list of words it beat: "Mom", "Dad"...
Maddox: Oh my GOSH. (Dick laughs)
Asterios: ..."food", "perspective", "Gremlins"... (Maddox laughing) ..."that blonde chick who played Six on Battlestar Galactica", "Gremlins 2: The New Batch"; all more important words!! Worse off yet, kids under 13 are using the word "hashtag" wrong! They're simply putting hashtags in front of words they think are important! Like, here's an example of a kid's tweet: "I found an #awesome box of porn in the #woods!" THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE! (reverb effect) (Maddox laughs) Here's a far more logical tweet: "Found a box of porn in the woods! #blessed." Stupid kids!! Stupid, sexy kids... (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: Oh man, that's a digital cyber demon if I ever heard one. That's fuckin' awesome. (smiling)
Dick: You wanna...you want another one?
Dick: Alright. [plays second "Internet Hell" bit]
(techno beat in background)
(Dick and Maddox start giggling)
Asterios: (goofy voice) Long-suffering nerds finally have something to celebrate, as Steve Wozniak is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussaud's.
Maddox: Oh, great.
Asterios: In related news, Madame Tussaud's has put in a frantic order for a shitload more wax! (Dick, Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) The statue of Wozniak, who single-handedly invented the Apple computer, will be placed next to a wax statue of Steve Jobs so the Steve Jobs statue can cheat, scream at, and emasculate the Wozniak statue for all eternity. All I know is foreign tourists love taking photos of wax statues they don't recognize or appreciate, so make some room in the basement for the statue of Steve Wozniak! (laughs maniacally with reverb) (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Alright. Wanna hear my problem?
Maddox: That's great! Yeah, thank you, Boisterous.
Dick: I think it's...I think that's bad stuff happening on the Internet this week.
Dick: 'Cause he's a cyber demon.
Maddox: Yeah, he's...
Dick: That's cyber hell.
Maddox: ...he's very in-tune!
Dick: My problem is...pregnancy! (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Oh! ('ding!' sound effect) Okay!
Dick: Yeah. You ever been pregnant?
Dick: It's horrible. (Maddox chuckles) I highly recommend against it.
Maddox: Oh yeah? (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah? Have you been pregnant, Dick?
Dick: No, never. Thank God. Um...so, you remember the scene in Aliens when that thing rips out of the person's chest?
Maddox: Of course, it's iconic!
Dick: Pregnancy is a lot like that, except it's worse.
Dick: 'Cause it takes 9 months to get there.
Maddox: Go on, Dick Masterson. (Dick cackles) Tell me all about pregnancy.
Dick: Um, it really...it really fucks you up!
Dick: Like, I can't...after having seen it...I just got back from Indiana. I saw my sister...
Dick: ...who just had a kid.
Dick: Second kid. Uh, for the life of me -
Maddox: (interjects) She just had another kid?
Dick: She had another kid.
Maddox: Well, congrats, Uncle Masterson!
Dick: Eh, whatever. (Maddox snickers) Uh... (laughs) So the first time, I chalk it up to inexperience. Right? Like, "Ah, you didn't know how bad it was gonna be."
Dick: "You didn't know about the bedrest. You got excited, you watched too many movies and you thought having a kid would be a good idea."
Dick: Right? Second kid? What in the f-...what in the FUCK. What is going on?? It is the -
Maddox: (interjects) It's supposed to be easier, right? You've been...it's not your first rodeo, you get it, you understand. Ahh, yadda badda bing.
Dick: Maddox, it is a fuckin' nightmare!
Maddox: It takes a lot outta ya.
Dick: Imagine having, like, a medicine ball in your body!
Dick: It takes, like...it takes...experts are saying a year or two for your body to go back to normal after that. I'm saying never.
Dick: That's my position on it.
Maddox: It mutilates your vagina! Makes it look like Hamburger Helper!
Dick: Have you ever taken a shit that required stitches afterwards? (Sean laughs uncomfortably in the background) 'Cause that's what we're talking about here with pregnancy.
Maddox: I mean, yes, but I never got the stitches. (Sean guffaws) Hahahaaah. You're welcome, ladies. (giggles)
Dick: The pregnancy rate for US women in, uh, in 2009 was 102 per 1,000 women. So what is that, 10%?
Maddox: It's an epidemic!!
Dick: 10%! Here's...lemme compare that to other sexually transmitted diseases. HPV, new cases every year: only 4%.
Dick: So pregnancy is by far and away...chlamydia: 0.6%. Anybody can get chlamydia. (Maddox snickers) You have NO idea who has it. (cracking up)
Maddox: I'd say 30% of the people in this room do. (Dick laughs)
Dick: 0.01% of people get AIDS, uh, every...that can't possibly be right.
Maddox: No, that's not right.
Dick: 0.01%? What is that?
Maddox: Is that in America or worldwide?
Dick: In America.
Maddox: In America, maybe, yeah. America's pretty low. The prevalence of AIDS in America -
Dick: (interjects) That's low?! That seems insanely high.
Sean: It's 1/100th of a percent, right?
Dick: Yeah, so what is that, 1 in every 10,000 people?
Maddox: No, more than that. 1 in every 100,000, I think.
Dick: 1 in every 100,000?
Maddox: It's a per capita...yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Um, whatever. Pregnancy is by far and away the biggest...the most out-of-control STD.
Maddox: It is the worst STD. I've always said that kids are the worst sexually transmitted disease.
Dick: How do you get kids?
Dick: Pregnan-...you can have sex and not get kids, but pregnancy, oh man...
Dick: ...most of the time turns into kids.
Maddox: Yep, that's true.
Dick: The US spends 7 billion dollars every year due to the cost of teen pregnancy. Here's some of the cons of pregnancy: you got a bunch of semen in you, first of all.
Maddox: That's gross.
Dick: Probably...*probably* some dicks, at least one. Probably, not always. No drinking, you can't have caffeine, you can't have CIGARETTES...
Maddox: Oh, no. (chuckling)
Dick: ...you gotta limit your sug-...what's goin' on? You're not into this problem?
Maddox: No no, I'm into it! It's just, uh, cigarettes. That sounds like, um...of course you can't have cigarettes, you're gonna have a kid! You don't want that kid b-...bein' born stillborn or whatever. But it's just interesting, Dick, that you bring in pregnancy as a problem, because, uh...oh boy, what was it, uh... [plays "Dick Versus Dick" intro]
(ritzy game show theme music)
Deep Voice (reverb): Dick...Versus...Diiiiiiick!
Dick: You prepared this...
Maddox: Ahhhhh. [intro fades out]
Dick: ...when you heard my problem?
Maddox: I got an impromptu Dick Versus Dick! Way back when, Dick, I don't know if you remember Episode 1...
Maddox: ...I brought in families as a problem.
Maddox: And you can't have a family without pregnancy!
Dick: Yeah, unfortunately.
Maddox: So what say you, dickhead?
Dick: I'm saying that's a big problem! Are you not listening? Do you have shit in your ears? What are you -
Maddox: (interjects) You're saying families are a problem now? (yelling)
Dick: No, I'm saying pregnancy is a big problem!
Maddox: Okay, so why were you arguing that families WEREN'T a problem? Because without pregnancy, there would be no families! So -
Dick: (interjects) Well, let's...let's fix it. Let's do something about that. That's all I'm saying.
Dick: Let's grow some babies in the lab, like in The Matrix.
Maddox: I'm okay with that!
Dick: 'Cause THIS shit, this shit wre-...putting a medicine ball through your body?
Dick: Uhh, getting...having bedrest from, like...for, like, months? Months of your life? And 20% of pregnant women are prescribed bedrest every year that goes from, like, some weeks to a couple months?? That's gotta stop!
Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty awful, and -
Dick: (interjects) We gotta find a better way!
Maddox: Pregnant women ALWAYS feel nauseous. You know there's this, uh, stereotype that pregnant women feel...they have morning sickness or whatever. It's not just morning sickness; they're nauseous all the time.
Dick: All the time!
Maddox: And it takes a lot out of them. They're weak, and they don't wanna do anything, and they just wanna sit down, and you gotta carry watermelons for them next thing, you know?
Dick: During pregnancy, the enlarged uterus can cause pressure on your bladder too.
Dick: So you could piss yourself...
Dick: ...at any moment, I guess.
Maddox: Yeah. And you always think as a kid that havin' sex with a preggo would be awesome, 'cause like -
Dick: (interjects) Sorry, what? (both crack up)
Maddox: Like, 'cause...'cause then you got the baby in there and you're like, "Ahh!" You're pokin' the baby too, right?
Dick: When you say "you," you mean "I"...er, YOU...
Maddox: You, Dick.
Dick: You thought...
Maddox: No. (laughs)
Dick: No, I definitely never thought having sex with a "preggo" would be awesome. (Maddox laughs more) When was this?
Maddox: I dunno, just as a...you know, when you're still a dumbass high school kid and never had sex before, and you're thinkin', "Um, yeah man, I can't wait to grow up and I'm gonna bang a chick...you know, you're bangin' both! That's...that's two for one!"
Dick: Maddox, that's horrifying!
Dick: Are you high?
Dick: That's disgusting!! (cracking up)
Maddox: I know! It's gross, man! I'm not sayin' I'm into it! (both laugh)
Dick: You... (Maddox and Sean laughing) But you were at one point.
Maddox: No man, it's like that stupid high school thing where you haven't had...like, if you're still inexperienced in high school. Which, by the way, Dick, a lot of people called you out on...
Maddox: ...in the last episode.
Maddox: You keep bustin' my ass about "bags of sand" comments, yet I never hear specifics when you're talkin' about sex.
Dick: What do you want me to talk about?
Maddox: You are the ultimate bag of sand, buddy.
Dick: I described three horrible blowjobs, uh, two ep-...two episodes ago. What do you want me to talk about? Go ahead!
Maddox: No, you d-...no, uh-uh. Uh-uh, no. Eh, you just...you're just never very specific.
Dick: You are bein' real spacey right now. What's up?
Maddox: No, I'm -
Dick: (interjects) What's goin' on?
Maddox: I'm not spacey!!
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're being very, like, spacey and weird. What's goin' on?
Maddox: This is the most in-tune I've ever been in my life!
Dick: Okay, what would you like me to describe about sex?
Maddox: Nothing. I mean, *I* don't wanna hear it. It's just, people have been noticing, Dick, that a general...
Dick: (stammers) You're gonna have to be more specific!
Maddox: ...a general sandy...YOU have to be more specific, 'cause a general sandiness is coming from that side of the room.
Dick: I don't know, I don't...like, I wish you would elaborate more on what you're talking about. It's very, like, wishy-washy.
Maddox: Eh, it's...the moment is lost. I don't know sp-...I would have to find a specific comment from the last episode, but people in the comments section, I'm sure, are gonna fill it in.
Maddox: But anyway, yeah, go on.
Dick: Uh, he-
Maddox: (interjects) Go on with your pregnancy problem.
Dick: Hemorrhoids? (Maddox spits out laughing) You can get when you're pregnant.
Maddox: Hemorrhoids are pretty awful, I've heard.
Dick: Postpartum depression?
Dick: Feeling restless or irritable?
Dick: Oh my god, every girl I've ever dated has been pregnant.
Maddox: AND... (laughs loudly) And -
Dick: (interjects) Sad, depressed, and crying a lot? Same.
Maddox: Yeah, the postpartum depression is a real thing. Like, that's what makes moms go fucking crazy sometimes. They just drown their babies!
Maddox: It's a thing that happens!
Dick: You learned that on this show.
Dick: Yeah. Having no energy? Also every girl I've dated.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Headaches, che-...oh my god! And what about the fathers? These poor guys have to put up with this.
Maddox: Yeah, and you know the f-...as a father, you're not gettin' laid for at least 8 months!
Dick: Yeah, and not because you can't! I also found that that "no sex during pregnancy" is a myth.
Maddox: Yeah! Again, like, when you're -
Sean: (interjects) That IS a myth.
Sean: My buddy...a doctor told my buddy and his wife that they *should* have sex. Like, "You guys need to have sex."
Dick: He got a doctor to tell his wife that?? (laughing)
Sean: Tell both of them that!
Dick: Oh, wow! (laughs more)
Maddox: Was it Doctor Friend?
Sean: It's a true story!
Maddox: "Hey man, would you pull my wife aside?"
Dick: Yeah! (giggling)
Maddox: "Just tell her we need to bang." (Sean snickers)
Dick: "Keep it fair, Doc. Keep it fair."
Dick: "Here's 100 bucks."
Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, big problem, Dick. I agree, pregnancy is a big problem. Guys, don't do it!
Dick: You got every asshole in the world telling you what to do when the baby comes.
Maddox: Yep, that's awful.
Dick: That's unsolicited advice. Save -
Maddox: (interjects) Dick, I...I just -
Dick: Save the placenta? That's a...
Maddox: Oh, that shit's awful.
Dick: Yeah, well, you're bein' real weird about this! What's the deal?
Maddox: No, I'm n-... (cracks up) I'm not bein' weird.
Dick: Do you not like talking about, like, pregnancy?
Maddox: No, man! It's...I mean, yeah! What...I mean, it's gross and weird, but uh... (Dick scoffs, confused) You know, Dick? I just can't help but, uh, but think like way back when, uh... [plays "Dick Versus Dick" intro again] (giggles)
(ritzy game show theme music)
Deep Voice (reverb): Dick...Versus...Diiiiiiick!
Maddox: It's a twofer! You gotta do double, to both.
Dick: Yeah? Alright.
Maddox: Um... [intro fades out] Remember, you were the one who brought in condoms as a problem, Dick!! I don't understand, how is this even a problem in your universe when you also think that condoms are a problem?
Dick: I'm really good at pulling out. I have incredible control...
Maddox: Oho, yeah?
Dick: ...over my body.
Dick: Yeah. Doing leg day will...will do that for you.
Maddox: Yeah, I bet. (sarcastic) Ohh, okay. Yeah, like you know about leg day OR pulling out. (fart sound effect) (giggles)
Dick: Do you think I...do you think I don't like condoms because I want to knock girls up??
Maddox: Well, I think that it definitely is a risk! Because even if you pull out, there are things that can happen. There's pre-cum and things that get -
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, you can absolutely get a girl pregnant pulling out.
Dick: Not me!
Maddox: (scoffs) Oh.
Dick: A ran-...a normal man, maybe, but not me.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) (Dick and Sean laugh) Mr. Dick Masterson, quickest draw in the West. (grins)
Dick: So was that...was that the entire Dick Versus Dick? Usually you have clips to put on that.
Maddox: No, nonono. No clips, because what am I...what am I, gonna bring in the entire fucking episode where you talked about condoms? Or the entire fucking episode where you talked about families? You think that families aren't a problem, yet you DO think that condoms are a problem AND you think that pregnancy's a problem! Pick your poison, Dick! WHICH IS IT??
Dick: (bursts out laughing) I don't know how to explain this to you! First of all, you can have a family without being pregnant.
Maddox: Okay, adopt...you weren't talking about adoption.
Dick: When? When was I not talking about adoption?
Maddox: The first episode.
Dick: No! I...
Maddox: You were talking...you were defending families.
Dick: Yes, I...I will still defend families.
Maddox: Families are garbage. (both laugh)
Maddox: Families are strangers that you didn't pick who have decided to raise you. Your dad -
Dick: (interjects) Who you're exactly like.
Maddox: No, you're not!
Dick: You are EXACTLY like your parents.
Maddox: I am nothing like my parents!
Dick: Yeah. (scoffing) Name one thing that they do, and I guarantee there's an analog in your life that you do do.
Maddox: Uh, I don't do...I'm not a gambler! There you go! My parents are huge fuckin' gamblers, I don't fuckin' gamble! I think that shit's boring, first of all.
Dick: You don't suffer from the gambler's fallacy at all?
Maddox: The gambler's fallacy? No!
Dick: Yeah, 'cause that's what makes people gamblers, right?
Maddox: Uh, no, not...it's not just that. It's complicated.
Maddox: It's depression, usually. It's... (cracks up) Its environment is depression. This shit's about to go to Depression Town. Uh, but yeah, man!
Dick: That's also a symptom of pregnancy.
Dick: Um, when you're pregnant, you gotta have conversations about whether or not you're gonna abort a retarded kid.
Dick: No one wants to have THAT conversation.
Maddox: Heh, I'll do it. (laughs) I'll have that conversation day and night, buddy! I've talked...I've had that conversation in bars and restaurants. Like, if I... (cracks up) ...was sitting around. It's an interesting thing!
Sean: "But seriously, Ma'am, I'll let you get back to your dinner."
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs hysterically)
Maddox: Shut up, Sean! (giggling) No, but it's something that you have to consider, that you shouldn't wait to have that conversation when you're pregnant.
Maddox: Because then it's too late! 'Cause then what if you find the love of your life, this woman or man that you wanna have a child with, right?
Maddox: You could do adoption...I guess adoption's not really a consideration. But let's say you find a woman -
Dick: (interjects) You can't abort a retarded adopted kid. You're right.
Maddox: No, um...no, you can't, but... (cracks up) But I guess two, uh...a lesbian couple could still have an in vitro child, or a surrogate child. They could have in vitro fertilization, right?
Maddox: So they do have to have that consideration. What if that child shows signs of autism in the womb, or Down Syndrome, or some severe psychological disorder, or a physical disorder?
Maddox: Would you then have that...I mean, when you're pregnant it's too late to have that conversation. You need to be talkin' about that at bars and restaurants! You're welcome, Sean.
Dick: Not for the woman who's pregnant!
Dick: It's never too late to have that conversation.
Maddox: I guess.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause they can do whatever they want!
Maddox: Get it outta your system early, man. Then you don't have to talk about it when it's in the womb.
Dick: Yeah, but you...you still might, no matter what you decided before in, uh, your intellectual wonderland of "what if"! (Maddox laughs) When there's a fucking BABY in your body, it's a new conversation.
Maddox: Uhh, I don't know, man. Sounds awful.
Dick: So don't kid yourself, thinking that you can just say, "Oh! Well darling, we actually had this conversation -- I don't know if you remember -- and we already agreed, so why don't you go ahead and take this to relationship court and flush that baby out of the system."
Maddox: Oh, Dick. It sounds like you know a lot about... (cracks up) ...pregnancies and being a woman and having a child in you and...first-time child expert, that's you! Go vote it up, people!
Dick: How is that a first-time child expert?
Maddox: You sound like you have ovaries. You sound like you know what it's like, and I think that that's because you are so close to your family and your sister.
Maddox: Which, you know, I'm not gonna impugn you for that. Your family's awesome and your sister's cool, but you...I think you're...you are so clo-
Dick: (interjects) You don't know her, first of all.
Maddox: I met her!
Dick: Alright. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah! No, she's cool. I mean... (laughs) Is she not cool?
Dick: Well, I'm just saying. (Maddox laughs more) I don't know if she'd take that as a compliment. (laughs)
Maddox: Coming from me or at all?
Dick: Coming from you.
Maddox: OH, GREAT! (Dick cackles) (buzzer sound effect) You know what? I take everything back.
Maddox: Anyway, man.
Dick: Anyway what?
Maddox: Yeah, you just...you sound like...you sound like someone who has ovaries.
Dick: You don't think this is a big problem?
Maddox: I do!
Dick: I never even thought about it. Like, I just thought about it as a function of life until I dated this girl who said...and she was very matter-of-fact about this. She probably, uh...she's probably a lunatic. She said if she ever wanted to get pregnant, she would just pay a surrogate to do it.
Dick: And I was like, "Uh, I can't tell if that's the smartest thing I've ever heard or if I should just immediately break up with you. 'Cause I totally...I can't see any problems with that, and I think it's amazing that you thought that through..."
Dick: "...but there's gotta be something unnatural about that that I'm not seeing."
Maddox: It's good that she came to that conclusion, but it's bad that she was able to come to that conclusion.
Dick: Right, 'cause that should be the only conclusion!
Dick: Like, if I can afford it, of course I'm gonna pay somebody else to get pregnant. Why do I wanna deal with having my body stitched back together for two years?
Maddox: But why are you thinking about this?
Dick: I don't know, maybe it's just an idle thought!
Dick: 'Cause it's gotta be on chicks' minds, right?
Maddox: That's a problem. Dick, I...look, I'm saying without a shred of snark or insincerity, I think it's a huge problem and I'm gonna vote up Pregnancy. There you go.
Dick: Alright, great.
Dick: Uh, then you gotta pick a name! (Maddox chuckles) How 'bout that? That's a big fight waiting to happen.
Maddox: Nope! "Maddox." Every time. (both laugh) Anyway Dick, you done? You got anything else?
Maddox: Ohokay! What else you got?
Dick: Nononononono, I'm...I'm done. I'm done. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah? That's it?
Dick: That's it.
Dick: That's my problem. Go ahead with your... (laughing)
Maddox: Eh, yeah. Speakin' of, uh, speakin' -
Dick: (interjects) You're in a real weird mood today. I don't know what it is.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno. I dunno! Dick, have you ever knocked anyone up?
Dick: Um...no, I've gotten Plan B a couple times.
Maddox: Plan B is my plan A. (giggles) Speakin' of no condoms. (laughs more) Yeah, that's all I got.
Dick: So you don't use condoms either?
Maddox: I mean, not if I have to! (laughs more) Not unless I have to!
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah, I...no, I'm with you, Dick. I mean, condoms suck, but uh...you know, they have a purpose and I don't think that...I think the majority of people should use them.
Dick: The purpose is ruining erections. (Maddox laughs) That's their purpose.
Maddox: Yeah. Plan...Plan B is my plan A, and my plan...my actual plan B is prayer. Uh, that's all I got.
Maddox: But Dick, um...good problem, but speaking of things in the oven, MY second problem this week is pizza snobs!!
Dick: Pizza snobs. (amused)
Maddox: (clapping sound effect) ('ding!' sound effect) Yeah, smart. (smiling) Genius. Clever. That's me. (giggles) Pizza snobs. Pizza snobs! So you were talkin' about condoms ruining the fun; how about this for ruining the fun? A fuckin' pizza snob who won't shut the fuck up and let you eat your meal. They -
Dick: (interjects) Are we about to hear someone who's an extreme pizza snob?
Maddox: No! (laughs)
Dick: Okay. I was just wondering. (cracking up)
Maddox: You know, I just have a question to all pizza snobs out there, and you know who you are. You know! You think you're not one, but you are.
Maddox: Can you just shut up? PLEASE? Just take 10 slices of pizza, shove it down your throat as far as possible so you can't breathe, then throw yourself off a cliff. I'm so fucking tired of pizza snobs, man.
Maddox: Just hang yourselves with barbed wire. You're making life a little grayer for everyone else every time you bitch about pizza. Nothing will ever make these dildos happy. (Dick laughs) They think they know the best pizza, like there's some universally agreed-upon standard. The closest thing to a universal standard of pizza comes from Rome or Naples, Italy, where pizza was invented. Supposedly, by the way. Ancient Greeks had a flatbread called "plakous"? ('pla-koos') Plakous? ('pla-kose') Somethin' like that. Anyway, it had herbs, onions and garlic as toppings. It's not exactly a huge innovation to take bread and put stuff on top of it!
Dick: Yeah, I don't think so either.
Maddox: Fucking idiots. Everyone acts like they are such a fucking expert when it comes to pizza, like they know -
Dick: (interjects) What the...wait, what is a pizza snob? What the hell are you talkin' about?
Maddox: Well, first of all, the majority...I looked this up. This is an actual true statistic in, uh, the Encyclopedia Britannica: 90% of pizza snobs come from New York. Did you know that? Yeah! They all come from New York. They think they know-a good-a pizza, these fuckin' assholes! And every time you take them anywhere, anywhere that's not New York...a New Yorker is the worst person to get pizza with, because they won't shut the fuck up about it and eat it and just DIE.
Maddox: What? (snapping)
Dick: Who did you hang out with recently from New York that did this to you?
Maddox: Oh, it's not recent, it's all my life! Anyone from the East Coast...it's not even New York; it's from the East Coast, period. Boston? Close enough! I guess you guys know pizza!
Dick: So they shit on *your* pizza?
Dick: Is that the problem?
Dick: I just haven't experienced people shitting on my pizza.
Sean: Oh no, it happens.
Sean: East Coast is always...is exactly like that. And they've been out here for more than half their lives, and all they do is bitch about the food.
Sean: Especially pizza.
Maddox: Hey, go back! Or fucking make it yourself, you fucking idiots! And it doesn't matter...I did a video about this, about pepperoni pizzas a while back. No, specifically about people from New York, "The Things I Hate About New York." The #1 thing I hate is that New York pizza snobs, no matter what you do to the pizza, they will complain. If you import the water from New York -- which some places out here do.
Maddox: There are places in California that import water from New York, they import the dough from New York, they import, like, the ingredients; anything you import from New York. "Sorry, not the same! Oh, it's the oven!" And then they make up some bullshit scientific-sounding explanation for why it's infinitely better from New York! "Because the oven has little molecules of charcoal that land on your pizza and make it different, and you have little minerals in the water, and blah blah blah blah blah - " SHUT UP! It's just fucking dough with tomatoes on it, idiot!
Maddox: It's not gourmet ingredients! You can't control...first of all, from one batch of tomato sauce to another, the acidity changes, the sugar content changes depending on the harvest that year. You think grapes are the only thing that weather affects? No, man! Tomatoes! Cherry tomatoes, Roma tomatoes; they're all different! Every time you have a harvest of any kind of fruit or vegetable, it's affected by the environment! You can't control a pizza any more than you can control a vineyard!
Dick: Well, yeah!
Maddox: What?? (snapping)
Dick: (scoffs) I don't know, I don't run into all these pizza snobs. You gotta get better friends!
Maddox: (groans) Aw man, they're everywhere! And it's mostly -
Dick: (interjects) Do people you not know strike you as pizza snobs, or is it just people you know? Like, is it just acquaintances of yours that act like this? And this could be for you too, 'cause I have not encountered any of these, uh -
Sean: (interjects) I know A LOT of people from the East Coast.
Dick: Are they friends of yours who talk like this?
Sean: Uh, acquaintances and friends.
Maddox: The people I know the least are the loudest and most obnoxious about it too. I will run into just strangers who come to your land and they're just BITCHING about the pizza!
Maddox: Like they fucking know any...and by the way, the pizza that they like, the "best pizza"? You know? You go to New York, you're finally there; you're like, "Okay, shut the fuck up."
Maddox: "Take me to your mecca, your pizza mecca. Show me...show me what a real slice is like." They'll take you to some dog shit little hole in the wall place. (switches to stupid voice) "Oh, you gotta check out Di Forno's! You gotta check out Di Giorno's, or Di Dor-...John's, or Joe's," or whatever the fuck! They'll take you someplace, and they'll get you a plain slice of cheese pizza with no toppings on it.
Maddox: Which, by the way, is not how fucking pizza is supposed to be eaten! In Rome...you go to Rome, pizza has toppings. All kinds of toppings. They have scallops on there, they have artichokes -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's what it's for!
Sean: Rome's its own thing, too. It's -
Maddox: (interjects) Well, yeah! Roman-style's different.
Sean: Roman pizza is, like, its own thing.
Maddox: But so is Ne-...
Sean: It's way different than Naples.
Maddox: Well yeah, but Neapolitan-style too is nothing like New York pizza. New York pizza, they give you this flat, soggy, sad-looking triangle...
Maddox: ...that you pick up and it's so floppy, it can't even hold its structure.
Maddox: It has less structural integrity than a piece of cardboard.
Dick: Lotta grease, too.
Maddox: Very greasy! And you fold it like a calzone...
Maddox: ...and you shove it in your mouth like this sad, folded dollar slice of ingredients. And by the way, you're paying a dollar for a slice. What...
Dick: Is that a lot?
Maddox: ...quality -- no, it's not!
Dick: Oh yeah, okay.
Maddox: That's my point! What...how high-quality do you think the ingredients are for a dollar, idiot?
Dick: Are they...are they snobs because they have some kind of attachment to their home pizza? Like, are they treating it like a sports team?
Maddox: That's exactly what it is, Dick.
Maddox: They are treating...they are saying that "we are better than you." It's just something to be smug about.
Dick: Oh, I know you hate that.
Dick: Anyone saying they're better than you, I know you hate.
Maddox: Well, 'cause they're...it's not true. I'm the best.
Dick: So you got pizza snobs, wine snobs...
Dick: ...all food sn-
Maddox: (interjects) Steak snobs.
Dick: All, uh, all food snobs probably.
Maddox: And by the way, I know it sounds like a contradiction that I was saying that it only costs a dollar so how high-quality could those ingredients be, but there is a lower limit on how much you should spend on ingredients. But if you're spending a dollar for the finished product, even if it's a slice of pizza, if you multiply that...what's that, like 10 dollars for a large...an extra large pizza? 'Cause those New York slices are big. They're hu-
Dick: (interjects) It doesn't matter, 'cause no one agrees with you on that steak shit anyway. Everyone knows that more expensive ingredients means a better product. (Maddox guffaws derisively
Dick: Even butchers wrote in.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: Like, chefs wrote in to say how stupid you are on that.
Maddox: I had butchers...wrong! I had butchers write in, and by the way, I just...I keep posting video after study after video after study of people saying that the wine tasters are fulla shit, that higher quality wine doesn't necessarily correlate with price.
Dick: Wine, yeah, but not meat.
Dick: Not steak. No, a 50-dollar steak's gonna blow your mind. (Maddox chuckles derisively) 30-, 20-dollar steak? Nah.
Maddox: Not necessarily, man! It depends on the, uh, the skill of the chef, it depends on -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, and by and large those chefs are not working at restaurants that charge 20 dollars for a steak, 'cause they are cashing in on their skills. Like, that's how the world works.
Maddox: It's...it's possible! It's possible, but I'm saying you're not necessarily gonna...and by the way, you don't...you go to a high-end steak shop, you're not necessarily gonna get a better steak. You're gonna PAY more for it!
Dick: Alright. Well, pizza snobs?
Maddox: Pizza snobs! That's my problem, man.
Dick: I wanna know, who are these pizza snobs in your life?
Maddox: Everybody. Everybody's a pizza snob and an idiot. Um, except...except, like, people who...you know? Blue-collar worker, the salt-of-the-earth workers...good people who just eat pizza and shut the fuck up. They're my friends. Those are the people I like.
Dick: Yeah. Are those the people you brought in as, quote, "dumb people" on the Solutions episode a month ago?
Maddox: Some of 'em, yeah!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Some of 'em are dumb people. Some of 'em are people who I don't hold in very high regard for their intelligence...
Maddox: ...but I do appreciate them for their contributions toward society, because they're doing jobs that I wouldn't. I think that those are people who are cogs in the machine, working boring...boring jobs, eating their simple pizza.
Maddox: I'm okay with those guys. But then there's the people who like...they like good pizza too. There is such thing as good pizza, right? I mean, objectively.
Maddox: Is there?
Dick: Sure! It's pizza!
Maddox: I mean, I don't know. And then there's no...there's no standard definition of pizza! Every culture has their own version of it. Have you ever had Weehawken pizza? It's a totally different animal than Italian pizza.
Dick: Is it flat bread with stuff on it?
Dick: That's a pizza.
Maddox: That's a pizza!
Dick: (chuckles) Yeah, what is -
Maddox: (interjects) There's Armenian...there's Armenian pizzas. They put this little thin meat paste on it. There's Greek pizzas, there's Mexican pizzas, there's -
Dick: (interjects) Who's got all this time to have opinions about pizza? Like, what the hell is wrong with you?
Maddox: The second -
Dick: (interjects) What are...not you.
Dick: What's wrong with these people?
Maddox: No, I know what you're sayin'. The second-worst people, the second-worst offenders are Chicagoans. They're not as bad as New Yorkers because they know that not all pizza is tryin' to be Chicago-style pizza. The crust is more similar to a pie crust than it is what you would think of as a pizza crust. But it's a different...it's a different food product and I think Chicagoans know that not all pizza is tryin' to be Chicago-style pizza, so when you take 'em out to eat pizza they shut the fuck up and enjoy it, and...you move on with the night and go have dinner or go to a bar and talk about aborting an autistic child. (Dick laughs) Like, you can enjoy the rest of the night.
Dick: That's how they are in Chicago. They like bonding over, like, positivity. New York seems to like bonding over negativity. I guess we do that in LA too.
Maddox: They're just never happy, man.
Maddox: Anyway, pizza snobs. My...you got another problem?
Dick: I got one more problem, yeah.
Maddox: Let's hear it, yeah.
Dick: I, um...I only brought it in because I went to the Indy 500 last weekend and my cousin was there, and he's a listener of the show.
Maddox: Oh, cool!
Dick: Uh, he drives. He drives all day. That's all he does is drive, so I'm bringin' it in as a problem.
Maddox: He was in studio once for a live episode, right?
Dick: No, no.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: This guy...this guy lives in Nebraska.
Dick: Drives around, uh...drives around Nebraska. You know, the most fun place in the world to drive.
Dick: Um, opposite. Opposite of that is true. Trac-...and I think even you can get behind this problem: tractors pulling out in front of you.
Maddox: Oho, alright!
Dick: On the highway.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: Legally allowed to drive 20 miles an hour, gigantic tractor takes up the whole lane; there you go. That's the problem. (both laugh)
Maddox: Big problem, Dick. You know, I failed my driving...my written driving test. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Like 5 times. (Dick laughs again) Because every time I took the test, they would throw some screwball problems on there about tractors and military vehicles and tanks and shit. I'm like, "I don't know any of this! What are you...are you kidding me?"
Dick: What, the whole test was that?? How did you fail it?
Maddox: Because I could only miss 2 questions, and every time I took the test the randomized set of questions that would come up had a tractor question on there, to the point where I overheard the test giver tell my...pull my mom aside and ask if she thought that I needed, uh, reading comprehension. (Dick cackles) So my... (laughs)
Dick: And then college found out that you did!
Maddox: Ah, fuck you, Dick! (Dick and Sean laughing)
Dick: Right?! You got put in remedial reading, and...
Maddox: That's WRITING, asshole.
Dick: Eh, same thing! (giggles)
Maddox: Fuckin' dicks! (angrily) I passed the test perfectly when there were no stupid tractor questions on it.
Dick: What did they, make a special...did you argue with them? About the...
Maddox: I told them, yeah! I said, "Guys..." and they're like, "It's just randomized, sorry," and I'm like, "Every time, it's randomized? I keep gettin' these tractor questions?" (Dick laughs) They kept askin' me, like, what the optimal speed was to pass a tractor, and when a tra-...what roads, rural roads or side roads tractors could go on, and tractor this and tractor that! Or a tractor with a tow, a tractor with a till, tractor lights, reflectors on a tractor; it just kept asking me these tractor questions!! I don't fuckin' know, man! I know it's Utah, I know it's fuckin' backwoods Utah, but I don't know these tractor questions! It wasn't on the...in the booklet. (yelling)
Dick: That's a big problem!
Maddox: Yeah! Vote it up!
Dick: I failed...I failed the same, the written test, one time. I passed it the first time.
Dick: Of course, 'cause it's an easy test. It's like... (Sean laughs in the background) (cracks up)
Maddox: Great. (Dick guffaws) Rub it in...rub it in your face! Your friend. Make me feel small. (Dick laughs more)
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) I passed that, and then at some point years...YEARS later, like when I was an adult, my, um...my license expired. I was in a situation where my license, my registration and my insurance had all lapsed.
Dick: Like, one lapsed and then the other lapsed, and I couldn't get the first one back until I got the second one back, and they just...it, like, compounded until had lost all three.
Maddox: Great! (chuckling)
Dick: So I was just driving around basically...
Dick: ...uh, like an illegal immigrant for 9 months.
Dick: I finally got my shit together and -
Sean: (interjects) A Persian illegal immigrant. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: God dammit. I finally got...I finally got my shit...no, I had my, um...I had my Fiso truck at that point, so I l-...I had an F150...
Dick: ...then, which you may...which... (cracks up) You might hear a -
Maddox: (interjects) Fiso, F150, I get it. I get it.
Dick: Yes, you might hear it referred to as a "Fiso" by an illegal immigrant. Uh, I got to the DMV to get my license and I failed the test, and the girl just said, like, "Eh, you got most of 'em right though."
Dick: She was a young cute girl and I was flirting with her, and she's like, "Eh, okay. You passed." And that was it!
Sean: Whoa! (from background)
Dick: (laughs) And I got...I got it all back, or else I woulda had to wait like 6 weeks to take it again or something crazy.
Maddox: Huh. Well, it's a good thing that that wasn't a, uh, a hazard for your driving later on, years later. Rain Slick Dick.
Dick: (chuckles) Well, that wasn't on the...oh, it might've been, I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Maybe that was the one I missed.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm sure. (amused) Well, I'm glad...yeah, I'm glad you, uh, you passed that test, and yet CYCLISTS... [ plays "Dick Versus Dick" intro again]
(ritzy game show theme music)
Deep Voice (reverb): Dick...Versus...
Maddox: (giggles) Yet cyclists -
Dick: (interjects) What is this now?
Deep Voice (reverb): ...Diiiiiiick!
[intro fades out]
Maddox: Cyclists are your problem for not obeying traffic laws, yet you're okay with passing a test you didn't actually earn, that you didn't actually pass! (yelling)
Dick: Well yeah, I'm okay with me doing anything wrong.
Maddox: Okay. (giggles loudly)
Dick: Maddox, the...the amount that I care about...like, I know you think that you are, like, part of society and everybody's equal and they should all be obeying the same laws...
Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)
Dick: ...and, like, contributing the same amount, 'cause you're a fuckin' communist.
Maddox: Right, 'cause that's normal.
Dick: This is a...yes!! Thank God it is. This is how I think: imagine, like, a hockey stick. Like that...the exponential graph?
Dick: I'm at the very top...
Dick: ...then a geometric factor down from me is my family...
Maddox: Uh-huh. (cracking up)
Dick: ...then the next one down is my friends.
Dick: Near the bottom, probably in the bottom 33%. And then the next spot on that curve, which is way out to hell, is everybody else.
Dick: FUCK 'EM.
Maddox: Where would you put me on that curve?
Dick: Uhh, right now?
Dick: Eh, you're...you're workin' your way back up to the "friend" zone. (Maddox laughs loudly) Right now. (laughs)
Maddox: What an asshole. What an asshole! This is the abuse I get every week.
Dick: Alright, anyway.
Maddox: Fuckin' bullshit. Um...
Dick: My problems are...my problems are Pregnancy and Tractors Pulling Out In Front Of You.
Maddox: And my problems are Speech Recognition and Pizza Snobs. (closing riff starts) Worst problems in the universe, I would say. Right after Monkeys and Female Genital Mutilation. (cracking up) Vote it up, people. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: See you next Tuesday. (Maddox laughs)
(techno beat in background)
Asterios: (goofy voice) Upper middle class whites have something NEW to complain about, as hackers have discovered a way to crash iPhones with a text message! The bug is caused by a glitch in the way iOS renders the Arabic language. What's next, text messages filled with sharia law?? (Maddox and Dick laugh) No thanks, Obama! I am now going to read the text message that crashes iPhones, so if you're listening on an iPhone, watch out!!
(techno beat fades out; Asterios starts singing over Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire")
Asterios: Apple sucks, Apple sucks
Apple's stupid, Apple sucks
Steve Jobs was a loser and I bet he's dead! (Maddox laughs hysterically)
This text will crash your iPhone
You were just on Tinder
Now your phone's a cinder
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Yeeeah. (smiling)
Asterios: It's time to say goodbye, phone
You were Facebook stalking
Now you're phone's as crippled as Stephen Hawking! (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly)
Dick: I didn't know that guy could sing!
Maddox: Yeeeah, that's...that's brilliant. (audience laugh sound effect) Good job, Asterios. (clapping sound effect) [ Dick plays Asterios' next "Internet Hell" bit]
(spooky orchestra music in background)
Asterios: And in closing news, the Internet this year will have over 3.2 BILLION users, and yet you, the listener, still have 0 friends! (laughs tauntingly) (Maddox laughs) What a world.
Maddox: Ain't that the truth.
Asterios: That's all for this week! This is Boisterous Coconuts reminding you: THE INTERNET CAN GO...FUUUUUUCK ITSEEEEEEEEEEEELF! (reverb) (Maddox laughs again)
Maddox: (clapping sound effect) (audience laugh sound effect) Bravo, Asterios! That was...that's probably my favorite of those bits I think he's ever done. That was really good.
Dick: Uh...oh, here's a voicemail that I think you'll like!
Maddox: Oh, I won't. [Dick plays next voicemail]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Dick, I was just wonderin' when you're gonna talk about YOUR next book, the sequel to "Men Are Better Than Women": "Men Turning Into Women." (Maddox chuckles) 'Cause I mean, I'm just guessing you're just going from experience now. (Maddox laughs more) Go fuck yourself.
Dick: I told you you would like that one. (smiles)
Maddox: What a... (cracks up) What a perfect episode to bring that into.
Dick: How's your new book goin', by the way?
Maddox: Yeah, let's not talk about that. (Dick cackles) It's goin'...it's goin' fine! It's goin' GREAT.
Dick: How many pages? What did I guess last time, 10? (laughs more)
Maddox: Ah...you know, page count, word count? Those are all just numbers.
Dick: Doesn't matter. All you need is the title, really.
Dick: To sell a book.
Maddox: Yeah. You know what, Dick? Uh, go fuck yourself. (Dick cackles) You got anything else? I g-... [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Maddox puts the "meanie" in "Armenian." (Dick, Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: That's pretty funny!! (laughs more)
Maddox: Is that all he's got?
Dick: Yeah, I got one more. Another president called in.
Maddox: Oh, great. (smiles) [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hi guys! This is, uh, former president Jimmy Carter. Uh, I'm still alive, and I wanted to, uh... (Maddox giggles)
Dick: Is he?
Maddox: No. (laughs more) Is he?
Sean: Yeah! (from background)
Voicemail: ...join the ranks of the presidents who told Dick to go fuck himself, so uh...Dick, go fuck yourself! (Dick sighs) (Maddox laughs) That's me, Jimmy Carter. That's all I've got.
(Maddox laughs more)
Dick: Why do they always... (cracks up) Why do they all say that? They're all different people.
Dick: They always say, "This is how I talk."
Maddox: Well, 'cause that's...you wanna know that that's how they talk.
Dick: That's... (laughs) That's how I leave voicemails.
Dick: "Hey, it's Dick. Uh, this is how I talk. Uh, Maddox, are we still gettin' lunch tomorrow?" (both laugh)
Maddox: Otherwise I don't know who it is!
Dick: Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: It could be Sean, could be my mom, I have no fuckin' idea!
Dick: Well, I said my name, but then I also add...
Dick: ..."This is how I talk." (laughs again)
Maddox: But it could be...it could be my mom doin' a little joke.
Dick: You don't know!! You don't know until... (giggling)
Maddox: "Hey Maddox! Maddox, do you wanna get lunch?" I'm like, "Who is this?" "Oh, it's Dick! This is how I talk!" "Ohhh."
Dick: "Oh, okay."
Maddox: I have, uh, I have one. I...
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: This one was sent in by David Ellerie. It's, uh, it's a little song he found.
Dick: Oh, good!
Maddox: This is a...he sent this in for our anniversary episode, we ran out of time, but here it is. [plays remix]
("If You Could Read My Mind" by Gordon Lightfoot starts in background)
Gordon Lightfoot (singing): If you could read my mind, love
What a tale my thoughts could tell...
[clip from Episode 1 starts]
Dick: This is not a problem for *me.* Like, we're not just...this is not a show of personal gripes. Right?
Maddox: Of course not.
Dick: This is like, a problem...this is a real problem for the UNIVERSE.
(Gordon Lightfoot still singing)
Maddox: Remember sayin' that, Dick?
Dick: Yeah, I still, uh...I still believe that.
Maddox: You still believe that? (about to laugh)
Maddox: Okay! (cracks up)
Dick: Every life form in the universe gets pregnant.
Maddox: Well, listen to this.
Gordon Lightfoot (singing): ...but the feeling's gone and I just can't get it back...
[clip from Episode 11 plays]
Dick: I got a real measly annoyance for ya. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Like usual. What is it?
(goes into montage of Dick announcing his problems in past episodes, set to Benny Hill's "Yakety Sax)
Dick: "Guys asking other guys about their dog." "Everyone needs to lose 20 pounds."
Dick: That's true!
Dick: "Table Nazis." "The US soccer team sucks." "The movie 'Frozen.'" (Maddox starts giggling hysterically) "Not enough bartenders." "Leaving your fly open." "Know-it-all masseuses." "Missing your Fantasy Football draft." "Fireball Cinnamon 'Whiskey,' quote-unquote." (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly) "Nut-hugging Android fanboy cheerleaders like YOU who would rather jerk each other off with statistics and features in a fuckin' basement building their PCs than talk to a person on the phone like a human!"
Dick: Yeah. (both still laughing)
Dick: "Snapchats of not tits." "Chatty Uber drivers." "Cop motorcycle fairings." "Undercooked rice." (Sean laughs in the background) "Goofy lightsabers." "Changing your sheets." "The No Fun League." "'Wash Me.'"
Maddox: Oh, man! (still giggling) (clapping sound effect) That's, like, every single problem you've ever brought in! ( 'ding!' sound effect) Measly annoyances. Good job, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, eh...
Maddox: Glad you...
Dick: ...fuck you.
Maddox: ...glad you care... (breaks down laughing)