The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 52
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save 5 dollars off your first purchase.
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe! With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Sean: Hello, gentlemen!
Maddox: We have made it...guys, gentlemen, we have made it one year old! This show is one year old. (clapping sound effect)
Dick: Shocking! Shocking. (chuckling) Shocking that we made it this far without somebody strangling somebody else.
Maddox: This is our one-year episode! Pretty incredible milestone, especially since we just had our 50th episode milestone.
Dick: The milestones keep on comin' on this show. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: We have so many milestones.
Sean: It's a twofer.
Maddox: You gotta do...it's a double, you gotta do both. (laughs more)
Sean: Oh, that's what it is. (smiles)
Dick: That reminds me of a special bit we're gonna listen to in a minute. (mischievously)
Maddox: Yeah. Well, before we get to any bits or anything Dick, I just wanna cover some stats.
Maddox: 'Cause a lot of our listeners are curious what kind of numbers this show's pulling in. Our show currently is pulling about...last month, the month of April, we had 331,000 downloads. Really strong numbers, yeah. And then in March we had 340,000 downloads, and then our all-time...our one-year, our year-to-year download record -- and this is actually a little bit lower because we weren't always with the same hosting company...
Maddox: ...but right now as of this recording, we're at 2.8 million downloads.
Maddox: (clapping sound effect) Pretty fucking incredible. ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: What does that compare to? What is 2.8 million of what? Is there anything...is there any stats that we know that's 3 million of something? Like the population of, uh...I don't know, West Hollywood or Vermont or something?
Maddox: Oh, that's...it's gotta be more than...it's more than the population of Utah, I believe! Utah's only 2 million people, the entire -
Dick: (interjects) Alright!
Maddox: The entire... (cracks up)
Dick: We should declare a war on Utah!! We got more people than them.
Dick: We'll invade it and take it over.
Maddox: Our listeners versus the entire state. We'll burn...we'll BURN the state to the ground.
Dick: The liquor will run through the streets.
Maddox: Nobody will be spared; no women, no children. They're goin' first in my world. (background laughter) Um, anyway Dick, yeah. Those are some really strong numbers, and um...I guess we should just get this out of the way.
Maddox: Uh, last week, Earthquakes...got voted number one. (reluctantly)
Maddox: The most...the most votes, uh, Earthquakes.
Maddox: Yeah, you know what Dick? I'm actually okay with that because out of Gossip, Flowers and Bachelor Parties, it should have definitely gotten the most votes.
Dick: It is objectively a bigger problem.
Maddox: I agree.
Dick: Than those things. (smiles)
Maddox: I agree!
Maddox: Yeah! Great. Great, uh, great...great problem.
Dick: It also introduced something interesting, and I don't wanna talk about it too much...
Maddox: Okay. (irritated)
Dick: ...because I have a feeling you're gonna get to it in this episode.
Maddox: Here we go.
Dick: I got about 6,000 emails telling me about the broken window fallacy that you brought?
Maddox: Yeah!! Oh, we're gettin' to that!
Maddox: We'll get to that. Don't worry, we'll get to that.
Maddox: Dick, before we go on, I have to play this bit that somebody sent in, this guy named @BandWagonBedlam. He sent in this song that he wanted us to play for this episode. I think you guys'll really appreciate this, I got a huge kick out of it. Listen to this. [plays "Too Much Swearing" remix]
(lively marching music starts playing)
Maddox: Too much swearing… (voice pitches down) …too much swearing… (voice pitches down more) …too much swearing.
(supercut of Maddox, Dick and Sean swearing in time with march)
Fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' monkeys, shit! Shitty.
FUCK! Fuckin' motherfucker! Fuck you. Fuck off!
Fuckin' horseshit. Fucking fucker, fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' bullshit.
Fuckin' shit, fuckin' fucking fuck! Fuck it, fuckin' dipshit.
Shit, shit. Bullshit-ass bitching, fuck that!
Fuckin' shit, fuck fuckin' shitty fuckin', 'cause you're a dumbass.
Shit, fuckin' shitty. Fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' asshole!
Shit fucking, fucking fucking shove it up your ass. (everyone laughing)
Fucking shit! Fuckin' shit, horseshit! Fucking asshole.
Shit, fuckin' bullshit. Fuck you, fuckin' fuck it.
Fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' tits!! Fuckin' horseshit.
Shit, fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' fuckin' horseshit.
FUCK you, Dick! (buzzer sound effect) Fuckin' fuck myself, dipshit!
Fucking shit, fuckin' stupid. NENENENENENENENENENE!
Shit, fuckin' shit. Fuckin' fucking FUCK OFF!
Fuckin' Rand fuckin' Paul?
Sean: I love to fuck at work!
(music fades out)
Maddox: Fuckin' Apple product.
Dick: (guffaws) What did you say at the end?! "I love to fuck at work"? (Sean laughs) Is that what you said, Sean??
Maddox: Here. Here -
Sean: (interjects) No, I didn't even hear me! I was laughing at the Rand Paul thing.
Maddox: Here, I'll play the tail end of the song again, yeah.
Dick: Play the tail end. I think he said...
Sean: "I love to say 'fuck' at work," and he took out...
Sean: ...he took out "say," I think. [Maddox replays end of remix]
Shit, fuckin' shit. Fuckin' fucking FUCK OFF!
Fuckin' Rand fuckin' Paul?
Sean: I love to fuck at work!
(music fades out)
Maddox: Fuckin' Apple product.
(Maddox and Sean laugh more)
Dick: Yeah, you said, "I love to fuck at work!" That figures.
Maddox: Did you catch the tail end too?
Dick: Oh, that's "Too Much Swearing" by @BandWagonBedlam.
Maddox: @BandWagonBedlam, yeah. Great song, super fun. We got a huge kick out of that, thank you for making that.
Dick: Probably took about half an episode to get that much swearing to fill up a song.
Maddox: Do you, uh...?
Dick: What, you got somethin' else? I got another song if you're in the mood to listen to music.
Maddox: I do wanna hear the song, but I have...I kinda teased this last episode.
Dick: Oh, your big announcement!!
Maddox: Big announcement. I have a -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, boy!
Maddox: BIG announcement to make. Uh, you guys -
Dick: (interjects) I got a comment about that, first of all.
Maddox: What? What did they say?
Dick: Elena...Elena Hdz says, "Please don't say that your big announcement is another live show." (everyone except Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, don't worry Elena!
Dick: It's not gonna be, is it? (grinning)
Maddox: You know what, Elena? You're not invited to watch. Yeah, how about that? (background laughter) I'll block...I'll do an IP block, I don't care.
Dick: Nah, she's...she's hot. You don't wanna block her.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I know. Um, alright. So here's -
Dick: (interjects) You know? What do you mean, "you know"? (Maddox laughs) Have you been checkin' this girl out on Facebook?
Maddox: Dick, I know all things at all times, okay? (yelling)
Dick: Okay, so yeah! (giggling)
Maddox: I don't need shit! I don't need shit from Dick Masterson over here. Anyway, so I teased about my big announcement.
Maddox: And I'm ready to announce it, at least just a little bit of a tease: I am writing a new book! (clapping sound effect)
Dick: Oh!! (background cheering)
Maddox: Yeah! ('ding!' sound effect) This is my official announcement of my new book! This is my third book. The title will be announced on my mailing list when it gets a little bit closer.
Maddox: I'm not ready to mention the title yet.
Dick: Oh, you're the worst cocktease in the world.
Maddox: Yeah. (smiles) The content is a mystery, but I'll give you this hint: it's all new material, and it's a book that I wanted to write back when I got my first book deal. So I wrote The Alphabet of Manliness but this was the actual book I wanted to write, and I knew I couldn't write this book until I got a little bit more cred under my belt, right?
Maddox: So I had to write two other books.
Dick: So those were...your first book was a compromise!
Dick: This is the...this is the unfiltered Maddox that you wanted the people to experience. Is that what you're saying?
Maddox: I wouldn't... (cracks up) I wouldn't call the first book a compromise. I still put my heart and soul into that, and that was an awesome book!
Dick: Oh, goodness. Alright.
Maddox: Yeah, it was a kickass book. But THIS, this is my -
Dick: (interjects) Maddox, it's already sold! You don't have to sell it anymore.
Dick: That book was already a huge hit!
Maddox: I got your dollar for this one?
Dick: For this book?
Maddox: Can I count on...can I count a dollar from...? That's about how much an author makes per book, guys. I make a dollar per book. Anyway, uh -
Dick: (interjects) I'll tell you what, I'll give you 77 cents. (everyone else laughs)
Maddox: Hey, I'm no woman, buddy! Um... (laughs more) So yeah, I'll be going on my fourth book tour based on the cities that people sign up from in the mailing list, 'cause that's what I did last time and it was hugely successful. I had a blast. So this'll be...yeah, this'll be my fourth book tour, 'cause I did two for Alphabet of Manliness. But yeah, that's coming soon! You gotta sign up for the mailing list and I will announce the title when it gets a little bit closer, but I've been workin' on this for a long time. And also, I think I'm gonna start doing a little bit more with the mailing list. It's not gonna be one of those annoying things where you get hit every month or every week with some annoying bullshit-ass little offer, or "Oh hey, check this...check this out." It will be...I'm even thinking about doing something subversive and asking people to, uh, to do things that...I dunno! We'll see. I may quiz people to find my smartest listeners and smartest fans, and put a special group of those people on the Internet.
Dick: Oh, wow!
Dick: That sounds exciting.
Maddox: Real Illuminati shit.
Dick: So what's the, uh, what's the release date? Can I ask you that? When can we expect this book?
Maddox: The release date is still unannounced. It's up in the air. Probably...I dunno. As, uh, as early as 4th quarter this year or sometime next year, so.
Dick: So in time for Christmas?
Dick: Or in time for...Valentine's Day next year? (Maddox chuckles) Possibly?
Dick: Do you have...can we get a thermometer of what percentage complete the book is?
Maddox: No, don't worry about that. (everyone laughs loudly) My... (cracks up)
Dick: I feel like there's a gigantic publishing company somewhere going, "Dick, please God, on the podcast ask him how close he is to being done with his fucking book!"
Maddox: Ohh, my editor might be listening. People at Simon & Schuster might be listening, so I'm not going to.
Maddox: Uh, no. No, we won't be talkin' about that.
Dick: Okay. You got anything else about the book?
Dick: Anything else you wanna tease?
Maddox: That's it.
Dick: We got...so, what do we know? We don't know the title...
Maddox: Don't know the title.
Dick: ...we don't know the content...
Maddox: Don't know the content.
Dick: But we know that it's gonna be...
Maddox: That I'm writing it!
Dick: ...very exciting. (background laughter)
Maddox: It's very exciting, yeah.
Dick: And it's being written. (grinning)
Dick: Top men are working on it right now.
Maddox: Yeah, top men. Top MAN. One man. (laughs)
Dick: Alright. Anything else?
Maddox: No, that's it! That's all I'm gonna announce right now, and maybe more in the future but we'll see.
Dick: Okay. We've got a huge disaster to go over now, right?
Dick: A very...a very wonderful and excited fan sent us something really amazing for the year anniversary of the show, didn't he?
Maddox: Oh boy.
Dick: Of course I'm talking about Butt Sanchez.
Maddox: Butt Sanchez! So, let's fill in some of our listeners.
Dick: And he emailed me several times saying, "I'm sending you guys a package for your year anniversary show. Tell Maddox NOT to open it unless it's on the show."
Dick: And I said, "You got it." So I get a text from Maddox the other day saying, "Hey, I opened the package." (Maddox laughs) And I said, "What the...what the eff?! Why would you open the package? He asked us not to, he spent a bunch of money on it to send it here! Why would you open the package??" Maddox, why would you open the package?
Maddox: First of all, for the listeners who don't know, if you're just tuning in and this is your first time listening to this show, Butt Sanchez is a longtime fan who sent in a comment back in, what, like Episode 5 or something like that?
Maddox: Yeah, like...
Dick: He sent in an erotic story...
Maddox: He sent in an erotic story. (chuckling)
Dick: ...about hooking up with this girl based on my advice.
Maddox: Right, and you gave him...yeah, you gave him advice.
Dick: I gave him advice to ask her what her relationship with her father is.
Maddox: Yeah. And he kind of looks to you as, uh, a mentor! Right?
Maddox: Yeah, you're...this is the guy -
Dick: (interjects) A mantor. (everyone else laughs)
Maddox: A mantor, there you go. This is a guy who you give life advice to...
Dick: (chuckles) Sure.
Maddox: ...and is influenced by your philosophy and, say...let's say intelligence.
Maddox: Like, let's just say.
Dick: In positive ways.
Maddox: Yes, in positive ways. (cracking up) So I go down...I get a call from the packaging company, the P.O. box company -
Dick: (interjects) The post office.
Maddox: The post office, yeah.
Maddox: The lady says, "Come down and pick up your package." (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yeah! (giggles)
Dick: "'Cause there's a big fucking problem with it."
Maddox: Yeah! Well, that's unusual that I'm getting a call from the P.O. box, right?
Dick: Yeah! (laughing)
Maddox: The P.O. box lady. So I go down there, and -
Dick: (interjects) What are you thinking? What's on your mind when you go down there? What could possibly be happening here?
Maddox: Well, I'm a positive guy, so I decide it must be a big package that they just wanna get outta there.
Dick: "It must be SO COOL...
Dick: ...that they want me to come pick it up."
Dick: Okay. Me, I woulda gone the other way with it. I woulda thought, "Oh wow! He must've, like, shipped a raccoon." (everyone else laughs) "And it died."
Maddox: No, I thought...I thought this was, you know, this was something that's a liability if they don't get it out of there. Right? It's something that's so expensive and...yeah, like you said, cool.
Dick: Oh! Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah! They gotta get it outta here, right?
Dick: You are an optimist, man.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm an optimist! So I went down there and she goes, "Oh, it's YOU." (everyone laughs) So she said, "Yeah, your package is right here on the ground," and I see this box that's about the size of...I'd say a large printer. Like a large, boxy printer.
Dick: Okay, that's beefy.
Maddox: It's a beefy box! And it's all wrapped in Saran Wrap...
Maddox: ...and I thought, "Oh, that's weird."
Dick: Okay, odd.
Maddox: So she picks it up and then she goes, "Ew," and I look down... (laughs with Dick) ...and her hand is covered in, like, this RED stuff.
Dick: Oh, god!
Maddox: And I'm thinking -
Dick: (interjects) That's the worst thing to be cov-...
Dick: It could be blood, it could be shit. You don't know.
Maddox: It could...yeah!! It's kind of brown and ruddy and red, and she said -
Dick: (interjects) Ohh, no. Nonononono. (under his breath)
Maddox: She says, "Oh my god, what is this?" And she looks so disgusted and horrified, I thought, "I don't know! It could be a severed head for all I fuckin' know! My - "
Dick: (interjects) Have you ever seen Se7en?
Maddox: "My fuckin' fans, yeah! Who knows!"
Maddox: So I...the poor lady's freaking out, and so I reach down and I smell the box where it's leaking from... (Dick laughs)
Dick: Ohh! (horrified)
Maddox: ...and it smells like barbecue sauce.
Dick: Oh, nooo.
Maddox: And I thought, "Oh, I'm sorry. It's just one of my bozo fans sent in something and probably didn't package it right, so one of these bottles probably broke."
Dick: Or he thought it was funny.
Maddox: (chuckles) Or maybe!
Dick: 'Cause when you sent me the first picture that happens immediately after this, I thought this was his idea of a joke.
Maddox: I thought that too.
Dick: "I'm just gonna send a box...of a mess."
Dick: Like "Eh, that's pretty funny!"
Dick: I'm not gonna say that's NOT funny. (background laughter)
Maddox: No. No, so um, so it smelled like barbecue sauce, and then she got...and the poor lady, I lifted it up and there was this puddle of barbecue sauce on the floor in the P.O. box area...
Maddox: ...that STAINED the carpet. (Dick laughs) And so she's sittin' down there and I felt bad, I'm tryin' to help her scrub the carpet with paper towels and shit. (Dick laughs harder) Plus, PLUS, I was on my bike! I rode my bike down to the P.O. box...
Maddox: ...thinkin, "Eh, it can't be that bad." (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: "It can't be that bad." So then I had to carry this box back home in my bike basket.
Dick: Oh, god!
Maddox: While I was dripping sauce everywhere.
Dick: When did you open it? Did you open it at the...?
Maddox: When I got back home. No.
Dick: Oh, smart.
Maddox: 'Cause I thought, "Yeah, it's - "
Dick: (interjects) "It'll explode if I open it there." You thought...
Maddox: Exactly, yeah.
Dick: ..."I'll bring it back home and let it explode all over my house."
Dick: And we're being glib about this and laughing, but I feel really bad.
Dick: That a cool fan sent us an awesome package, and...
Maddox: Well, you'll feel even worse when you find out what's in it, Dick.
Dick: Aww, no. (sighs)
Maddox: So I have some pictures here. We'll describe the pictures and post some of these on the website, but here's some pictures from the package. So first of all is the address from...he wrote it...the "from" address says "Butt Sanchez and Dr. Smoothrod."
Dick: Oh yeah, I remember that guy! (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: His friend, right? So he sent that in to us, and this is what the package looked like when I received it. There's this... (background laughter) There's a picture of -
Dick: (interjects) It looks like something's dead in there.
Dick: And it looks like they knew it and they wrapped it with Saran Wrap.
Dick: Like, that's the last thing you want, is "this seems premeditated."
Maddox: It looks -
Dick: (interjects) It's the corner of a box, it's SOAKED...and dripping something weird and blood-like, and it's wrapped, like, half in Saran Wrap.
Sean: It's trying to burst out.
Maddox: Well, the entire box was wrapped in Saran Wrap. That was my job of, like, pulling it down trying to get it unwrapped. Just to open it, right?
Dick: Oh, nonononono. (under his breath)
Maddox: And I don't think they sent it like...I don't think he sent it like this, but -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, you think the shipping company wrapped it?
Maddox: I think the shipping company wrapped it when they noticed that fucking shit was leaking from it.
Dick: Ohhh, no!
Maddox: Yeah! Poor guys. (cracks up) So I opened this up outside, by the way. I didn't want barbecue sauce exploding all over my house. So then this is what I opened it up to. I'm lookin' at a box here that just looks like...garbage. It's just paper towels, the entire side of the box is SOAKED and glistening...
Maddox: ...with barbecue sauce.
Maddox: Dick, if you took a sponge and left it in a puddle of barbecue sauce, it wouldn't soak up that much barbecue sauce. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Well, I see a lot of paper and then I see half of a bag of what looks like Frosted Mini-Wheats.
Maddox: Yeah. That is...
Dick: 'Cause that's what you ate when you were a fat guy.
Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah, so -
Dick: (interjects) So he's trying to fatten you up again. (smiles)
Dick: That's funny!
Maddox: Yeah. So the entire box...it just, I mean, it literally looks like just someone took a whole pile of garbage and -
Dick: (interjects) And this is what Maddox sent me, and I'm like, "What, he just sent a box of garbage that...?" (Maddox laughs) That's not a sophisticated prank, but it is funny that you had to carry this around on your bike. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, and I'm...so I go inside, I get some latex gloves 'cause I don't wanna touch anything in this box! Everything's just gushing with barbecue sauce. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: I'm sorry, excuse me. You have a ready supply of latex gloves where you live?
Maddox: Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, and I use 'em a lot.
Dick: That's a...mark of a serial killer! Alright! What's... (everyone laughs)
Maddox: So I'm outside, and my neighbors -
Dick: (interjects) Sean, do you have latex gloves in your house? Anywhere?
Dick: No? Randy? Our manager who's here with us today, who's responsible for getting this podcast together, do YOU have any l-...? How long would it take you to find latex gloves if you had to have them?
Randy: As long as it took me to go to Ralph's.
Dick: To go to Ralph's.
Maddox: To go to a grocery store, yeah.
Dick: And I don't even know that they sell latex gloves in Ralph's.
Maddox: I have lots of latex gloves! (Dick and Randy laugh)
Maddox: I use them for everything!
Dick: Why? What?
Maddox: I just...you don't need to ever cover your hands? You're cleaning with bleach or ammonia or anything like that?
Maddox: I have a picture of my fingers, buddy. One time I cleaned with bleach, and then all my cuticles were peeling back! It looked like my fingernails were peeling off 'cause I didn't use latex gloves.
Dick: No, 'cause all the cleaning I do takes place, uh, 35 minutes before a new girl's coming over.
Maddox: A girl, yeah, I know. Yeah.
Dick: So I don't really... (chuckles) I don't really get in the grout.
Maddox: Yeah. I've seen your bathroom, man. It looks like you went peeing with the lights out and then missed, and then peed entirely on the toilet roll. (everyone laughs)
Dick: Alright, this conversation got out of control.
Maddox: Alright, so back to Butt Sanchez, back to this package. So with my latex gloves on, which you can see my thumb here has a latex glove on.
Dick: Yeah, alright. (giggling)
Maddox: The first thing I pull out is what looks like a bag of Butterfingers...
Maddox: ...with a note that is drenched in barbecue sauce. (Dick and Randy laugh hysterically)
Dick: That's ironic!
Maddox: Yeah! (everyone laughs) Nice joke, Butt Sanchez! So this is to Sean, and the note as far as I can read says, "Sean: Because a man cannot have too many Butterfingers," and then it's signed "B.S." for Butt Sanchez.
Dick: Butt Sanchez.
Maddox: Yeah. And it's torn and has barbecue sauce on it. You know what, Butt Sanchez? I think you proved that a man definitely CAN have too many Butterfingers. (Dick and Sean laugh) Followed by... (cracks up)
Dick: This Frosted Mini-Wheats box that I'm looking at looks like it's had an axe...this looks like something that JFK was carrying when he got shot.
Maddox: It looks...
Dick: It looks like brains exploded all over it.
Maddox: It looks...it looks absolutely awful. The note on it, as much as I could read...
Dick: Yeah, enhance.
Maddox: Yeah. It says, "Maddox: Come back to the dark side." Something...
Maddox: "Cereal is fucking awesome. - Butt Sanchez." And the note is COMPLETELY soaked to the point where it's transparent. (Dick and Randy laugh) From barbecue sauce and grease from the barbecue sauce. So yeah, that's the box of Mini-Wheats. Very funny, good prank! Then -
Dick: (interjects) The latex gloves, I can't get over this!! (Maddox laughs) That it looks like...this is like what Dexter does! Like, you've taken photos of the crime scene...did you rope it out too? Do you have, like, trajectory of the inside of the box?
Maddox: No, but I didn't wanna bring all this shit in my house and I'm not gonna stick my...I have hai-...look at my knuckles, Dick. I have hairy knuckles.
Dick: It would take you weeks to wash anything out of those, uh, hairy cabbage patches.
Maddox: It's bad enough when I eat barbecue! (cracks up) (everyone laughs) Did you call them hairy cabbage patch fingers?
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: Asshole. (Dick and Randy laugh) So it's bad enough that when I eat barbecue, I get barbecue sauce in my knuckles. I'm not gonna get it in my knuckles just for opening a package! Are you fucking kidding me?
Dick: No, no, no.
Maddox: Yeah, so the next thing I took out of the box is a foot. (everyone laughs) A porcelain foot.
Dick: A porcelain foot, aw. That's heartbreaking.
Maddox: And I'm looking at this thing and still at this point I'm not sure if it's a joke, like Butt Sanchez is just fucking with us and he just sent us a pile of garbage, or -
Dick: (interjects) That would be a ballsy joke.
Maddox: Yeah! Or is this part of something else? So I'm just staring at this foot in my hand and thinking, "What the fuck is this? Barbecue sauce on a foot?"
Dick: "Is this a message?"
Dick: "Is this the Godfather's message?" (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah! "Is this a threat? Like, what's he doing here?" And then I pulled out ANOTHER foot!
Maddox: Yeah! A right and a left foot, and they're both broken at the shin. I'm like, "Well, this is definitely a message, right?"
Dick: Oh, no. (uneasily)
Maddox: Like the first plane hits the Twin Towers and you're thinkin', "Well that's a sloppy pilot"; the second one hits and you're like, "Well, that's deliberate." (Dick laughs) Right?
Dick: Yeah, that's true.
Maddox: This is exactly like 9/11. (laughs with Randy)
Dick: Yeah! Right.
Maddox: Then -
Dick: (interjects) That's why it took Bush so long to relax! Er, to get on...to call to action. That's why he finished that kid's book.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Uh, I don't think...Dick, we're not gettin' into fuckin' Bush shit right now! (Dick giggles)
Dick: Alright, alright, alright.
Maddox: So then I pull out what is truly heartbreaking.
Dick: Ugh, I see it already.
Maddox: It is a plaque that says "Army of Darkness" (Dick sighs) and it's numbered. It's a limited edition Army of Darkness statue that's numbered 011 out of 150.
Dick: Augh. Army of Darkness...Sean, you know Army of Darkness?
Sean: Yeah, I know. I've seen it multiple times.
Dick: Oh, man. Just the best movie ever for guys like us.
Maddox: Yeah. It's one of my top 3 or top 5 favorite movies of all time.
Maddox: So this plaque, it's kind of like a stand for the character that he sent us that I guess had broken -
Dick: (interjects) For the feet!
Maddox: With the feet, yeah.
Dick: So we've got the feet and what they're supposed to go on so far. (chuckling)
Maddox: Uh-huh. And on the other side of the plaque is, um, is the Necronomicon.
Maddox: So he's kinda standing on the Necronomicon of Army of Darkness. So I was still digging through, and then I pulled out what was the first bottle of broken barbecue sauce.
Dick: Ohoho, no.
Maddox: And on it, it says, "Dick: You'll appreciate this."
Dick: Well, to be fair, I do. (Maddox laughs) I think this is...I mean, this is a great prank! If you really wanna nail somebody, send to their P.O. box -- someone who rides a bicycle -- a box full of uncontained barbecue sauce.
Dick: That's hilarious!
Maddox: Great prank. (Dick laughs) Great unintentional prank. And the bottle, by the way? It looks like the top has just completely screwed off! It's not even broken; the top is screwed off.
Dick: Wait a minute! It...that was like that when you got it??
Maddox: That's how I got it!
Dick: That top has been screwed off like an octopus came out of the bottle.
Dick: How did that happen?
Maddox: I don't know! It looks like the barbecue sauce -
Dick: (interjects) That can happen?
Maddox: I gu-...well, you know, I have a theory...
Maddox: ...in that wherever the altitude was that he bought that sauce in...
Maddox: ...then on the flight, the air pressure changes. So if you go from low altitude to high altitude -
Dick: (interjects) Well, he comes from Atlantic Ci-...he comes from New Jersey.
Dick: So he comes from the coastline just like us.
Dick: It must be just the altitude of the plane.
Maddox: The altitude up top.
Sean: No, that happens.
Maddox: Yeah, because it's lower pressure up top...
Dick: So it bursts out, ohh.
Maddox: ...and so then it caused it to expand. It caused it to burst out.
Sean: Yeah, but I don't think it can unscrew like that.
Dick: Yeah, but if it...if the cap just blows off, if it's a plastic cap, it'll just blow off.
Maddox: Yeah. You know Sean, that's why...that's why companies like Arrowhead, when they bottle the water they put the water all the way to the top. And same thing with Kool-Aid, those Kool-Aid twist pops?
Maddox: They fill it all the way to the top so that the air pressure can't change and cause their, uh, their packaging to explode.
Dick: It's like when you haven't busted a nut in a while...
Maddox: Okay. (flatly)
Dick: ...and a girl's trying to, you know, show off and swallow and she can't keep up and it's like, "BWLAHH!" (everyone else laughs) It just blows her mouth right off, you know? (smiles)
Maddox: "Whuh-huh!" (grunting) (laughs) So gross, Jesus Christ! That's the grossest thing I've ever heard.
Dick: Isn't that what it's like, though?
Maddox: Like a giant a Go-Gurt? (laughs more)
Dick: Yeah! Like, "Get ready for this Vesuvius, bitch!" and she's like, "What?" "BWLAHH!"
Maddox: Ohh, that's so disgusting. Ugh.
Dick: Like a dog throwin' up. (gagging noise) (everyone laughs more)
Maddox: Oh, my... (cracks up) Yeah, just like a dog throwing up on semen, too much semen in its... (Sean grimaces in the background) Oh, that's disgusting.
Dick: Oh, you made it gross!
Maddox: Oh yeah, I'm... (laughs) I'M the one who made it gross. Anyway Dick, so yeah, you can see this empty bottle says, "Dick: You'll appreciate this." Do you appreciate it, Dick?
Dick: Yeah!! (cackles)
Maddox: Great. Of course.
Dick: I DEFINITELY appreciate this!
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: Even more, 'cause this is...this is, like, this is perfect! It's someone who went through a lot of work, well thought-out work, put a lot of effort into it. I mean, the expense is heartbreaking, the thought is heartbreaking, and then to get it to the very last 1-yard line and completely fucking blow it? (Maddox laughs) That is the most beautiful thing in the world to me. That's the funniest joke that there is.
Maddox: It's like getting to the 1-yard line and then -
Dick: (interjects) Shitting your pants. (both laugh)
Maddox: And then leaving the field, going to an army surplus store, buying a hand grenade, pulling the pin and swallowing it.
Maddox: That's what this is!
Maddox: It's just a fucking disaster. It's a mess.
Dick: So my heart breaks, but I definitely...like, I can't say I won't think about this for the rest of my life as a funny thing.
Dick: Even though it's tragic.
Maddox: Well, it gets even more tragic, Dick, because then I pulled out the rest of the figure that he sent us.
Dick: The Army of Darkness figure.
Maddox: The Army of Darkness...it's Ash, he's holding a chainsaw up in the air. (Dick sighs) The chainsaw is bent at a 90-degree angle from the base! (cracking up)
Dick: Oh, man! Ohh, nohohoho. (Sean laughs loudly) Ugh!
Maddox: The chainsaw is bent at a 90-degree angle!
Dick: The Deadites are gonna like that.
Maddox: Yeah, and he sent us this note. (Dick groans) This note was on the box. This was one of the only things not completely drenched in barbecue sauce. He says, "Dick and Maddox - "
Dick: Also ironic!
Maddox: Yeah. (everyone laughs) The one thing worth NOTHING in the box.
Dick: This joke's got alotta layers.
Maddox: He says, "Dick and Maddox: This is the big present." (Dick giggles) "This is to thank you guys for all the hard work that you both did this year in making the greatest podcast in the universe. Here's to many more years of Dick versus Dick, Maddox yelling at his audience, stupid voicemails, Sean laughing in the background, Asterios being awesome, and happy y-..." Wait...
Dick: Happy Yom Kippur? Is that what he was gonna say? (Randy laughs)
Maddox: No. "...and happy you get to the..." Oh! "...and HOPING you get to the real biggest problem in the universe, which is Illuminati Truthers, baby. - Butt Sanchez." And then it says, "P.S. - Dick, go hug yourself."
Dick: Uh, you know what the real biggest problem in the universe is?
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: No packing peanuts. (everyone laughs)
Maddox: You know, so I was lookin' at some of these bottles and some of 'em had prices and stuff on 'em, and one of 'em was like 13 dollars, so the others had to be in that range, right?
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Like 15 bucks?
Dick: Yeah, he spent some money on it.
Maddox: Yeah! So he sent...so there was altogether about 5 bottles of sauce in there. 3 of them survived, actually! I have 3 of the bottles, so thank you Butt Sanchez. He sent one of them, uh...one of them, one that survived, has a note on it that says, "Maddox, I think you'll really like these. You'll like..."
Dick: No, it says somethin' else.
Maddox: "...these bottles." He has something -
Dick: (interjects) "I think you'll really like...drink bot-...?"
Maddox: "Both!" Oh, both these bottles. (in unison with Dick)
Maddox: Yeah, and then the other one is, "Maddox: Fuck yeah. - Butt Sanchez," and then the third one that survived, it says, "Maddox: This shit is awesome. Enjoy!" and it's completely drenched in barbecue sauce.
Dick: (sighs) Butt, as your mantor, I'm gonna just give you a little bit of advice. This goes for everybody. Always...I know it's exciting. Life is exciting sometimes, but you gotta rein it in when you're at the 1-yard line, and you gotta think about it and you gotta hand it off to the tight end like you're supposed to and you've gotta carefully walk it across the goal line. That's it. Just always...always remember, when you start to get excited, walk it across the goal line. Don't forget that part! 'Cause then this...then this happens! And I love it, I appreciate it.
Maddox: You're right there, Butt Sanchez! You sent us...you spent all this money, and then... (stammers) The bottle that he said, "Dick: You'll appreciate this," I pulled the label off.
Maddox: And it says, "Pappy's Sauce for Sissies." (laughs loudly)
Dick: Okay, I take everything I just said back. Fuck you! Fuck you, Butt Sanchez, you motherfucker! You deserve this.
Maddox: It says, "Good for babies, brats and bikers." You're all three except for the biker.
Dick: Alright. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway Dick, that's the package from Butt Sanchez. Butt, thank you, but use some packing bubbles next time, which cost NOTHING compared to this exp-...that -
Dick: (interjects) They're givin' them away.
Maddox: Yeah! That Army of Darkness figure must've cost upwards of 50 dollars at least!
Dick: We gotta fix it.
Dick: We can fix it.
Maddox: Yeah, we'll try.
Dick: We have the technology, right? (Maddox laughs) We got latex gloves over here. What else do you have in your murder bag? (cracking up)
Maddox: I got... (laughs)
Dick: You have some super glue to glue a girl's lips shut or something that you can fix this Army of Darkness character with?
Maddox: Dick, I got a voicemail. Do you have any voicemails you wanna play?
Dick: Oh yeah, of course I do.
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear. [Dick plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey, you guys said in your bonus episode that if we have any issues we should email Dick and not Maddox.
Dick: That's true.
Voicemail: Well that's true, Dick is very good about responding to emails. Thank you, Dick.
Dick: You're welcome.
Voicemail: But we shouldn't email Maddox 'cause he doesn't check because he gets enough emails? I mean, what the hell is he working on? (background laughter)
Maddox: Uh, I dunno! Why don't you listen to the start...
Voicemail: He wrote one book 10 years ago... (Dick and Sean cackle)
Maddox: Ffffuckin' asshole!
Voicemail: ...and he updates his website 2 or 3 times a year. (Randy laughs) What...you don't even have health insurance. You don't have a real job. What are you working on, Maddox? You know? Piece of shit. (more laughing)
Maddox: Ohohohoho! Sean, delete that voicemail! Delete it from the track.
Sean: It's gone!
Maddox: (cracks up) Yes! (background laughter)
Dick: But you are working on a new book!
Maddox: Yeah!! How 'bout that, dickhead?!
Dick: That's why I brought that in.
Maddox: You FUCK! I'm workin' on a new book! Does that answer your question, you asshole? (yelling)
Dick: Yeah, so email me.
Maddox: You mellow fuck? This piece of shit, he's bustin' my balls? I wrote a book 10 years ago?? First of all, my first book came out 8 years ago, dumbass! And then my second book, did you even see that? And how about my fuckin' website that I updated like twice last month, and then the weekly podcast? Are those things that I might have, I don't know, occupying my time and energy, you fuck? And then the YouTube channel and all the fuckin' social networking and responding to your inane comments and bringing in your horseshit comments this week??
Dick: Ah, you started strong. Now, responding to comments, I don't...you always do that.
Maddox: Well, the reason -
Dick: (interjects) I got another voicemail. You wanna hear?
Maddox: Okay, yeah. Let's hear it.
Dick: This is a...this is a pretty big one! [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, this is Barack Obama. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Nailed it.
Voicemail: Love the show, congrats on your 52nd episode. Yes, this is the episode to celebrate. A complete rotation around the sun is far less arbitrary than 5 times the number of fingers you have...
Voicemail: ...so suck my dick. (everyone laughs) Before anyone starts complaining, you can wait until a quarter of the way through the next episode if you actually wanna celebrate if you take into consideration daylight savings.
Dick: This is Barack Obama. What's on his mind? (Maddox sighs)
Voicemail: I'd like to vote for my own biggest problem, which I think is Unexpected Guests. Just ask Dick's good friend George Bush and the Iraqis.
Maddox: Yeah! (laughs) (Dick scoffs) Zing!
Voicemail: Also, from your last episode I'd like to point out that groupthink and mob mentality are completely different.
Voicemail: So you guys are fucking morons.
Dick: Alright! Nobel Peace Prize.
Voicemail: And Sean, when I get out of office I'll be lookin' for you to smoke a bowl. Thank you guys, good luck!
Maddox: Wow, Barack Obama!
Dick: Cool, yeah!
Maddox: Big fan of the show!
Dick: He had to get political though, he can't resist. (grinning)
Maddox: Uh-huh. I like how his slam dunk argument about groupthink and mob mentality being completely different is just that. (Dick laughs) So we're fucking idiots, apparently.
Maddox: Yeah. Um, anyway, thanks for listening, Barack Obama.
Dick: Here's to another 4 years.
Maddox: Yeah. (snickers) (background laughter) We'll get a good dynasty goin' in the office with, uh, maybe Jeb Bush! Maybe Jeb Bush will continue the dynasty. I got a voicemail, Dick, from a guy named Sean.
Maddox: Sean sent this in, and we kind of teased this new segment on, uh... (cracks up) ...on the show last time, but he sent this in, yeah.
Dick: No, I don't wanna...it's not "Dick on Dick"!!
Maddox: Here it is! Yeah!
Dick: GOD D-... [Maddox plays Dick on Dick voicemail]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, this is Sean from Indiana. Uh, just wanna say I would be honored and privileged if I could contribute to the first ever Dick on Dick.
Maddox: [pauses message] Okay, so I...I actually helped him out here.
Dick: What a surprise.
Maddox: I created a quick little intro... (laughs) I created a quick little intro and cleaned up his audio a bit. Here it is. [ plays Dick on Dick intro]
(sleazy music and sounds of a guy moaning) (Maddox giggles)
Dick: Is this a gay porn?!
Maddox: (deep voice) Dick on Diiiiick. Mmmm. (Maddox and Randy laughing)
Dick: Is that it??
Maddox: Nonono. So here's the actual, here's the actual...he found this! This is a fan-submitted segment, so here we go. [resumes original message ]
Voicemail: Um, Dick, you bring in some good points sometimes, but it's really hard to side with you because I just don't know when you're gonna contradict yourself. Uh, for example, when you say stuff like this.
(dreamy harp glissandos)
Dick: There's your harp, right? That's your trademark.
Dick: I haven't found any kind of correlation with age and how good the sex is.
(more harp glissandos)
Dick: Sex as a teenager is the BEST, man!
Dick: It NEVER gets better than that.
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox laughing)
Dick: If you're a teenager, do anything you fuckin' can to get laid!
Dick: That is as good as it gets, man!
Maddox: No, it's not.
Maddox: No, it's not.
Dick: You're crazy. It never gets better than that.
(more harp glissandos)
Dick: Yeah! What I'm saying is, it's a hockey stick.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: It doesn't get BETTER as you get older, it's just different. But man, when you're a teenager, boom. That's when to get it.
Maddox: But what are you saying? 'Cause you said that you haven't found any correlation with age to sex!
Dick: Well, I just explained! When you're a teenager it's something different.
Dick: It's better than it ever will be again.
Maddox: Huh. I think -
Dick: (interjects) It's not like you can say, "Well, I didn't have sex as a teenager, but you know, now that I'm 30 it's like my dirty thirties." (Maddox snickers) "For the rest of my life, I'm just getting...I'm just getting better at sex, right?" It's like, "No! You're fuckin' old! You should...evolutionarily speaking, you should be dead! You missed it. You missed the time to bang."
Maddox: Wrooong, Dick. Have you ever talked to a chick who banged a really old dude? And it's like, you know -
Dick: (interjects) That's pretty much all I date. (Maddox laughs) As it turns out, the girls I date have alotta daddy issues.
Maddox: Uh, yeah. Oh, I know, buddy. (grinning) Anyway, these chicks always talk about, "Yeah..." They kind of, like, confess to me. They say, "Hey Maddox, I hooked up with a guy last night but I feel pretty weird about it." And I say, "Why do you feel weird?" and she says, "'Cause he's 20 years older than me."
Dick: Yeah, it's gross.
Maddox: "Or 30 years older than me. BUT, mind-blowing sex. The best I've ever had. Made me cum multiple times, and no other guy has ever done that, and all these bozos in high school don't know what the fuck they're doing," and that's the truth.
Dick: Uh, Bennett Zweber -- you wanna talk about sex? (Maddox laughs) Actually, let's just skip...let's just skip to this new song that I brought in. [ plays "Bags of Sand" song]
Maddox sound clip: "It doesn't matter what I say, 'cause you're gonna make it sound like a 'bags of sand' reference." (Maddox laughs)
(simple drums, guitar and bassline)
Maddox: Love it. (smiling) Did you make this?
Male singer: What are boobs like?
I don't know (everyone laughs)
What's a vagina?
I don't know
Mom, bring me some soup! My correspondence! (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
All I have are my bags of saaaand
(series of clips of Maddox's "bag of sand" comments)
Maddox: "Genitals in Utah are censored."
"My pussy bed...'cause I just banged a lot!"
"Trust me, it sounded like it came from somebody who was very experienced. 'Unwrap it in the right direction so that...so that it works properly.'"
"You don't have sex underwater. It's nice on paper, but then in practice it's bullshit. Vaginas dry up, man! By the way, it dries up with a condom too! With or without a condom."
Dick: With or without!! (giggling)
Maddox: So we're at the beach, right? 'Well, this is boring. I'm gonna go have sex.' Look, I've had sex in an ocean, I've had sex in swimming pools, I've had sex in hot tubs, I've had sex in SINKS. Like, it doesn't fuckin' work.
Dick: How do you have sex in the ocean, then?
Maddox: Well, with my hips, man! I just rock 'em! (everyone laughing hysterically)
Maddox: "That's why it's so foreign to you, 'cause it sounds like 'bags of sand'? That's because I'm an expert."
Dick: Uh-huh. Yeah! (grinning)
Maddox: "If you don't have a dick longer than 3 centimeters, that's a clit. That is a clit by definition, dude. You got a clit! A penis is a...is anything smaller than 3 centimeters. A clit. That's it!! That's ba-...they're basically the same thing. I get it. You pee outta one, you pee outta the other."
"I'm an expert."
"Whenever we go, they're all horned up and ready for sex because they're so turned on by my driving skills."
"Sometimes penis goes into butt."
Maddox: What if they...what if they accidentally engineered just a really gappy...just, like, just big old mudflaps on that..." (laughs)
Dick: I think that's called a vagina.
Maddox: Yeah! What if they make it -
Dick: (interjects) They already did that.
Maddox: Yeah. That's pretty gross.
Maddox: "Any time you want to look up anyone to verify whether or not they have genitals..."
"I invented the pussy emoticon! Looks like a vagina."
Dick: "Why Is the Penis Shaped Like That?" by Jesse Bering. You wanna download that?
Maddox: Yeah, I kinda do, actually.
Dick: Alright, alright alright alright.
Dick: Want me to finish this up later? Yeah yeah yeah.
Maddox: No, let's hear.
Dick: You wanna hear the end of it? Alright.
Maddox: "You can see titties on the Internet! You wanna see titties on the Internet?"
Maddox: "Non." Is that how? I don't know.
Dick: Yeah, it is "non."
Maddox: "Non." Uh, no, I've only heard "Oui, oui, oui." Um, but uh... (cracks up)
Dick: Bags of sand!!
Maddox: "Oh, I'm havin' so much sexy sex here! I'm bangin' so many chicks." (everyone still laughing)
Male singer: What are boobs like?
I don't know
What's a vagina?
I don't know
Mom, bring me some soup! My correspondence!
All I have are my bags of saaaand
Dick: "All I have are my bags of sand!" (singing) (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: You fuckin' assholes!
Dick: Christoffer Strand from Norway.
Maddox: I get nothin' but disrespected on this show!! (background laughter)
Dick: Yeah. So what about teenagers and sex?
Maddox: (yells) Yeah, I don't wanna hear this shit!
Maddox: You guys don't even understand the level of expertise (Dick sighs) when it comes to sex that I have!
Dick: What level would you say you're at? Like if you had to compare yourself to...to, like, a famous cocksman? (background laughter)
Maddox: A fa-... (cracks up) A famous cocksman?
Dick: Like Wilt Chamberlain, for example. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Was he a famous cocksman?
Dick: Bags of sand!! (everyone laughs) That didn't take long!
Sean: He's the basketball player who said he slept with over 10,000 women.
Maddox: Oh okay, yeah!
Dick: By "slept" he means "had sex with." (laughs hysterically)
Maddox: Yeah, I know, Dick! Fucking asshole! (yelling)
Maddox: Yeah!! Well, then definitely him! (everyone laughs more)
Dick: "Definitely him!" (giggling) I can't! Oh, I can't do this today!
Maddox: Oh my gosh. Dick, this...we are draggin' our...don't laugh, Sean! (angrily)
Maddox: Tired of your SHIT!
Dick: You wanna do problems?
Maddox: Let's get to some problems here.
Dick: Alright! Bicyclers is my problem.
Maddox: Okay. Bicycl-
Dick: (interjects) Not cyclists. Not cyclists, because they want you to call them "cyclists" 'cause it sounds cool. But what they are is "bicyclers."
Maddox: They are "cyclists" because that's what they are, Dick!
Maddox: That's a fuckin' "bags of sand" comment about bikes! (Dick laughs) You don't know shit!
Dick: Bi-...okay! Classic bicycler comment. (Maddox laughs) Comparing bicycling to sex. Um, you -
Maddox: (interjects) You put the fun between your legs! (laughs)
Dick: You criticize me a lot for not explaining things for listeners outside of the US.
Dick: So I'm gonna explain this one. Um, if you're outside of the US, a bicycle...what it is is like a motorcycle, except instead of being powered by a motor it's powered by a sanctimonious pussy. (everyone laughs) Who steers...who careens around the road like a blindfolded homosexual at an ass factory. (more laughing) That's what a bicycle is.
Maddox: You think a...you think that, uh, that blindfolded homosexuals at an ass factory just careen around? I bet -
Dick: (interjects) Well, I mean they're like...right? Like, that's the joke!
Maddox: No! Well...
Dick: Like there's asses everywhere, they're like, "Oh, I smell an ass, lemme get that ass!" (Maddox laughs) And then they get far away from one...that's the visual I...that's what I think when I see a guy riding a bicycle with his little lycra shorts down the street, is "Classic case of a blindfolded homosexual at an ass factory!" (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: Which, by the way Dick, one of our fans kept tweeting pictures of Dick on Dick to you nonstop. (giggling) So funny.
Dick: What was his name?
Maddox: Uh, I forget. I'll bring it...here, I actually have it up, yeah.
Dick: Look it up real fast. He deserves some credit. (Maddox chuckles looking for Twitter account) You think that's real...you think this is real funny, don't you? Dick on Dick.
Maddox: Oh, it's my favorite. I love it so much.
Dick: It's not funny at all.
Maddox: Yeah. And yeah, Dick doesn't like these at all, so stop sending them, guys! (background laughter)
Dick: It's not funny!
Maddox: They're not funny! They're not funny. Stop sending Dick "Dick on Dick" pictures on Twitter.
Dick: 'Cause what did I say? "Dick on Dick" sounds like gay porn, so it's gonna be a bunch of photoshopped me doing gay porn. What's his name, R....R. Abramam? There it is.
Maddox: Oh, there it is, yeah. Paul Castro! So this was one of the pictures Paul Castro sent. (laughs) (Sean grimaces in the background)
Dick: Oh, click on his username.
Maddox: Dick on Dick.
Dick: Let everybody see all these beautiful works of art. Hey, you guys are the ones lookin' at gay porn, not me!
Maddox: What about that one? (laughs) (more disgusted sounds in background)
Dick: What do you think about that, Sean?
Sean: Ugh, god! (gags)
Maddox: His Twitter handle is @drugfreethug. (giggles more)
Maddox: Yeah. Um...no, I think he did a pretty good job, Dick! I think this is a masterful photoshop job, don't you think?
Dick: Go to the other one. No, it's...that one has my face as the head of two penises that are touching each other.
Maddox: Yeah, I think it's pretty good! Look at this one! It's... (cracks up) ...you fucking some dude in the ass.
Dick: It's the f-...I don't know why he found these facial expressions of me that do look like I'm having sex with myself.
Maddox: That's every facial expression of you, Dick. Go fuck yourself. (more laughing)
Dick: Find another one! I've already seen that dick one.
Maddox: Alright, alright. I'm pullin' up all the dick ones. Here...oh, here. Here's the... (cracks up)
Dick: Oh yeah, here we go. GREAT.
Maddox: Here's a bunch. (giggling)
Maddox: I love that his account hasn't shut down yet. Oh, this is a new...I haven't even seen this one! It's three... (laughs)
Dick: That's a...it's a threesome of me. (background laughter)
Maddox: It's three dudes, and... (breaks down laughing again)
Dick: And the god damn faces are SO st-...you son of a bitch, Paul Castro.
Maddox: Look at that one! Look at that one, fuckin' yourself! (laughs with Randy)
Maddox: Oh, and now a chimp, this... (giggles)
Dick: The monkey's not as funny.
Dick: Classic bicycler humor. (everyone else laughs more)
Dick: (sighs exasperatedly) Okay. Bicyclers.
Dick: Red doesn't mean go! When you guys get to the crosswalk?
Maddox: Eh! (dismissively)
Dick: Fuckin' stop!
Maddox: They're stoptional for us. (chuckles)
Dick: Exactly!! This is why everyone hates you, because you pretend like you're doing us a favor...
Dick: ...with your stupid hobby, but you don't obey any of the rules and you make it more dangerous on the road! That's why we hate you. (yelling)
Maddox: "Uh duh, duh duh duh, you don't obey the rules!" (stupid voice) Nerd! Listen, I once talked to a cop -
Dick: (interjects) The driving rules are there for safety!
Maddox: Really? They're there...they're for safety? Here's the thing: you don't have to get a license to ride a bike! Anyone can ride a bike anytime, anywhere on the street. You don't have to learn -
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, that's the problem.
Dick: Yeah! Exactly.
Maddox: No, it's not a problem! Here's the problem: bicyclists are taxpayers and we don't get to use the freeway. We don't get to use all the roads that we want. There's not parking, there's not ample parking for us. And by the way, I talked to a police officer -
Dick: (interjects) Ample parking for your bikes?!
Maddox: Well, there is.
Dick: There's dumpsters all over the place! Just throw 'em in wherever you get!
Maddox: Okay, asshole. (laughs) Piece of shit.
Dick: Here you go! Throw it away! "Here's my fuckin' cross that I rode here all the way like a martyr!" (Maddox laughs more) "I'm gonna nail myself to my bicycle and then throw it away!"
Maddox: You know Dick, we ARE doing everyone a favor because according to SMH.com -- this is a website, a news website -- they said, "The economy benefits by more than 21 dollars every time a person cycles 20 minutes to work and back, and $8.50 each time a person walks 20 minutes to and from work, according to policy statements released by Deputy Prime Minister Anthony Albanese on Tuesday."
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: There you go, dickhead!
Dick: Thanks for the, uh, armchair lesson in economics.
Maddox: Oho, you mother-...you fuck! (cracking up)
Dick: I know what that... (laughs)
Maddox: You fucking foreshadowing piece of shit!
Dick: Uh, hey, do you ever ride your bicycle on the sidewalk?
Maddox: Rarely, if ever.
Dick: Rarely? Okay! You know how many times I've driven my car on the sidewalk? Zero!
Maddox: Oh, really?? (yelling)
Dick: Fuck off!
Dick: I tried, that's how I wrecked it! (Randy laughs in the background)
Maddox: Rain Slick Dick over here, yeah!
Dick: I didn't get on the sidewalk.
Maddox: That's 'cause you hit the curb, you fuckin' asshole! That's the only reason you didn't ride on the sidewalk. And by the way, have you ever been hit by a cyclist?
Dick: Um, you wanna hear something interesting?
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.
Dick: Long Beach...Long Beach did some research on bicyclings.
Maddox: Long Beach is a city in California, sure.
Dick: On bicyclers, yeah.
Dick: 45 percent of bike-related accidents are caused by the bicyclers!
Dick: 35 percent are driver-related, 20 percent are undetermined but probably the bicycler's fault. Let's be serious here.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: 'Cause you guys drive erratically and like assholes. Leading cause of bicycle accidents? Bicyclers riding on the wrong side of the road.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I believe it. Hey man, um -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you think it's yours!! Because a bicycle is a bumper sticker that you can ride.
Maddox: Yeah, because CYCLISTS are the ones who are entitled to everything, huh?
Maddox: They're the ones who are honking at cars tellin' them to get out of the way? We're the assholes??
Maddox: You fuckin' pricks are sittin' there, like, riding our asses 'cause you're too much of a pussy, you're too much of a dipshit to turn your steering wheel 2 degrees to the left and maneuver around a cyclist who has the body footprint of a human being! If you can't maneuver around that in traffic safely, fuck off!! Stay home! Turn your driver's license in. Shred it!
Dick: YOU stay home! Take your stupid hobby out to the country!
Maddox: It's not a hobby!
Dick: Take it to Portland!! All of you hipster fucks with your bicycles, have your own city!
Dick: Go make your own fuckin' city called "Bicyclertopia" and just ride around all day blowing each other. Get those tandem bikes so one of you can turn the other way and suck the other guy off for what a great person he is. (everyone else laughing)
Maddox: You know what, asshole? That city already exists, and it's called "Amsterdam" and it's FUCKIN' brilliant.
Dick: I've been to Amsterdam.
Dick: It's -
Maddox: (interjects) And everyone cycles everywhere and traffic is never jammed. It's fucking awesome. Everyone gets everywhere they need to go, no problem. You know what, Dick? I can get anywhere in this city faster in traffic on my bicycle than you can in a car while you're sittin' there like a fatass.
Dick: Totally false.
Maddox: Yeah, breathing in your air-conditioned air, your pampered...ohh, your bourgeois car with your air conditioning, you're so fuckin' cool.
Dick: Speaking of the air I'm breathing in, uh, a study in Brussels says that bicyclers breathe in 5 times more air pollution than drivers OR pedestrians. So enjoy your cancer, Maddox!
Maddox: Oh, okay. But you're still breathing the same air, asshole. You're just breathing in...uh, all day long, every day!
Dick: No, you're breathing it right out of a car's butthole. (Sean laughs in the background) 'Cause that's what a bicycler is! You've got your lips, while you're out there on the road, sealed to the BUTTHOLE of a car.
Maddox: Dick, first of all -
Dick: (interjects) You're just sucking the poison in.
Maddox: Yeah. (sneering)
Dick: Fuck you.
Maddox: I got some poison you can suck outta something! (Dick giggles) Here's the thing, Dick: I'm a cyclist, I'm a considerate... (cracks up) I'm a considerate cyclist, okay? When I ride my bike I take side roads, I ride the roads less traveled, and I...yeah, I sometimes coast through 4-way stop signs because bikes aren't cars! It doesn't make sense for them to come to a complete stop; they don't need to! You can slow down...look, if I'm driving through -
Dick: (interjects) Here we go! Entitled asshole bicycler!
Maddox: No, it's not that I'm entitled, dickhead!! It's that...like, it just doesn't make sense to come to a complete stop if you're coming to a 4-way intersection.
Dick: Yes, it does!
Maddox: You slow down to 5 miles per hour, you look left, you look right -- cars do it all the time, except I'm a dick if I do it on a bicycle. And by the way, if I run that stop sign and I get hit, I'm the only person who's gettin' hurt.
Maddox: Yeah, fuck you! So here's the thing: there's this dickhead cop in a city, I think this was in Connecticut. There was a big group of cyclists, 26 of 'em, who were driving in a big pack together, and they all ran one big stop sign together 'cause the person at the front stopped and looked both ways, he said "It's clear!" and then the entire group moved through, right? Some dickhead cop wrote every single cyclist a ticket! And all these hardass drivers, these entitled dickhead drivers who think they own the roads, came over...who, by the way, their fuel prices are lower because of us. But anyway, they came over and they said, "Good, I'm glad all the cyclists got tickets."
Maddox: Yeah! Because what's the alternative, dickhead? That we all get in a single-file line and then you wait for 26 cyclists to come to a complete stop and then start up their slow-ass cycles to ride through the intersection? Is that what you want?!
Dick: That's right, 'cause it's the fuckin' law!
Dick: Are you guys a car or not? Do you belong on the road or not? (yelling)
Maddox: It's safer -
Dick: (interjects) You don't just get to barrel through and take over the intersection because you're enjoying the breezy day with your stupid bicycles!
Maddox: Dick, it helps traffic! It helps move along traffic, and it's safer for cyclists AND motorists.
Dick: You know what else helps traffic? Keeping your fuckin' bicycle off the road. You don't wanna be inconvenienced stopping at a stop sign? Stop inconveniencing the rest of us by making us swerve around you on our way to work.
Maddox: Ohh, wah! Boo hoo! Why don't you nail yourself to your cross, you big fucking crybaby? You know what traffic is, Dick? CARS. Cars are traffic, not bikes. There's never been a bike on a freeway, and they're jammed every fucking day. How do you explain that?
Dick: How do I explain that freeways are jammed?
Dick: You want an explanation for that?
Maddox: Allll fuckin' cars!
Dick: Do you need one? (chuckling)
Maddox: Cars, cars, cars, cars, cars! More fuckin' cars, that's what we need, huh? And by the way Dick, every time you see a cyclist you should get out of your car that's parked and stuck in traffic...
Maddox: ...and pull him over and lick his asshole and say, "Thank you for saving me gas money AND creating an extra parking space wherever the fuck I'm driving."
Dick: Thats interesting. (sighs) Uh, bicyclers are eco-friendly you would say, right?
Maddox: Well, sometimes!
Dick: Sometimes? When is that time? 'Cause that seems to be a big component of their argument, is that "Well, we're...we're saving you all this fuckin' gas!" (obnoxious voice)
Maddox: Well, I don't give a shit -
Dick: (interjects) "You should thank us!"
Maddox: I don't give a shit about the environment. You know me. I don't. I don't bicycle because -
Dick: (interjects) I think you do.
Maddox: No, I don't! I don't care...I don't bicycle because I care about the environment; I bicycle because it's fast, convenient and it's good exercise. But it does save you money on, uh, on gas because we're using less fuel.
Dick: Where do those calories come from that you're burning while you're on the bicycle?
Maddox: Food, which is way cheaper than drilling oil out of the Middle East!
Dick: How do they harvest that food, jacko? With gigantic tractors that suck down gasoline!
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah, so?
Dick: Yeah! So if you...I got some stats for you on this one. If you get 4 guys on a bike...
Dick: ...that's exactly equal to the amount of gas it takes those same 4 guys to drive in a car.
Maddox: That's 4 people versus 1, usually. One driver!
Dick: So fuckin' carpool.
Maddox: So... (stammers) Oh, who carpools?? You can't even -
Dick: (interjects) That's on a normal diet!
Maddox: You can't even fit 4 people in your car, asshole!
Dick: That's 'cause it's cool. (everyone else laughs) I can fit 4 people if 2 of them are hot chicks.
Maddox: (yells) So you're...you're basically...you made an argument -
Dick: (interjects) And they lay on top of each other, you know what I'm...? (Maddox laughs) You know what I'm talkin' about? (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah, maybe in the glove compartment, ya psycho. (laughs more)
Dick: Okay, Mr. Latex Gloves! Where were you gonna throw 'em, in the trunk?
Maddox: No, it doesn't matter where I put the chicks! Listen. (cracks up) The bottom line is, you just made a case FOR me. You said that 4 cyclists are equivalent to 1 carpool, which nobody does.
Dick: They don't save that much gas. That's what I'm saying. Fuck off with your eco-friendly shit.
Maddox: They save...look, I don't care about the environment, but they save 3 times the amount of gas! You just said so yourself!
Dick: Nonono, it's...they use, uh, they use a quarter.
Dick: A bicycle uses a...a guy riding a bike uses a quarter of the gasoline as a driver because of the amount of food calories he burns while he's riding that bicycle.
Maddox: So it's 75 percent more efficient. Plus it depends on where you get your food calories from, right?
Dick: Yeah, if you get it from...if you get it from meat mostly, which I'm assuming you do, 'cause even though you ride a bike you're a man.
Dick: Yeah. If you get it from meat it's even more.
Maddox: Protein is cheap! You can get protein sources anywhere! You can buy a container of a dozen eggs for like 2 dollars.
Maddox: That's cheaper...that'll feed you all fuckin' week!
Dick: How about your dumb outfits? (background laughter)
Maddox: I don't wear dumb outfits when I cycle.
Dick: People do, though.
Maddox: I don't own...I don't own bicycling shorts. Look man, I'm not gonna defend that. That's stupid.
Dick: Yeah. You know what's inconvenient about bikes? Every time you're at a stoplight, they go right to the front of the line.
Dick: And then they...and then they futz around like a little child learning to work, trying to propel their stupid machine across the intersection while everyone fuckin' waits. Motorcycle? BOOM. Takes off like a rocket. Takes off like a penis with a rocket in it at a stoplight. Bicycler? "Dur duh-dur duh-dur duh-dur duh-dur!" (stupid voice) Steering around like they're...like they're having sex for the first time, jabbing their dick in any which way. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Like a teenager having sex.
Dick: Go to the end of the line! Go to the END of the line. (Maddox laughs more) You guys do not deserve to be at the front.
Maddox: You're such a crybaby. If bicycles...you're complaining that bicyclists have advantages over driving, so fucking get a bike, crybaby!
Dick: That's not an advantage!
Maddox: It IS an advantage!
Dick: That's just jamming yourself in the front!
Maddox: No, because here's the thing, Dick: if cars are so much faster, why are you even stuck there? Why can't you just maneuver around us?
Dick: 'Cause it's a pain in the ass. That's why.
Maddox: "Oh, it's a pain in the ass to turn your steering wheel 2 degrees!" (whiny voice) Fuckin' pro driver over here.
Dick: Yeah! It is! I wanna be texting and Tindering. I don't wanna watch out for you guys on the road.
Maddox: Yeah. (dryly)
Sean: I have a question for Maddox.
Sean: What happens when you're in a car and you get behind a cyclist? Are you laying on your horn and getting angry and yelling and all that kinda stuff?
Sean: 'Cause that's what you do in a car.
Maddox: Here's the thing, Sean: when I get to where I'm going, my destination, I pull up and if I see a parking spot open I think to myself, "Well, that cyclist might've been going the same place that I was going, and he probably saved me a parking spot. And if it wasn't him, it was probably the other 10 or 15 bikes that I see parked out front of the building, 'cause every single one of those bikes represents a parking space that I can't park in...that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to park in," so I thank that cyclist. And also, it's not that much of an inconvenience! There has never been a traffic jam because of a bicyclist. There has never been...it just doesn't fuckin' exist! Everyone gets a little bit inconvenienced, but have you ever been more than like...I dunno, 30 seconds, maybe a minute late to something because you had to slow down a little bit for a bicyclist? Who, by the way, if he was driving a car, that's one more car that you would be sitting behind in traffic at the front of an intersection. If the red light is all backed up and the intersection's all backed up...have you ever been in that situation where you're one car away and you just barely make it through that intersection? Well, you may have been in that situation because of a cyclist!
Dick: Have you ever been in a situation where your dick doesn't work because you rode a bicycle for too long and it ruined your prostate?
Maddox: No. (laughs)
Dick: 'Cause that's real.
Maddox: Yeah, I know.
Dick: Big fucking problem.
Maddox: Well, if you, uh -
Dick: (interjects) You do know about that though, right?
Maddox: Yeah! Of course, yeah. If you sit on shitty seats and you cycle too long.
Dick: Men who cycle more than 9 hours a week are 6 times more likely to develop prostate cancer, study finds.
Dick: (chuckles) Yeah, so I guess you won't be needing that erection anyway. (Maddox sighs exasperatedly)
Maddox: Dick, I ride my b-...I solved that problem by riding my bike hard.
Dick: No... (everyone laughs)
Sean: Pretty good. (from background)
Sean: Pretty good! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Lance Armstrong? He was a bicycler.
Maddox: Yeah, he's a...yeah.
Dick: Cheated, embarrassed America. (Maddox chuckles) Embarrassed the US Postal Service too.
Maddox: Yeah, he's an asshole.
Dick: Hitler was a bike messenger. Bicycle messenger during World War I.
Maddox: Okay, here comes the Hitler argument! (laughs with Dick)
Dick: All of you guys are a road rage. (Maddox laughs) All of you bicyclers are full of rage. You're all wannabe visionaries...CEOs, like fuckin' yuppy CEOs on your bicycles, touring around town while the rest of us are trying to get our shit done. Fuck you.
Maddox: The only...here's the thing: I think that bicyclists sometimes are idiots.
Maddox: Because I have seen some militant cyclists who are cycling *activists,* which I am not. I don't give a shit. Like, if you wanna drive your car, you're entitled to, but I think that bicycling is the best form of transportation. But sometimes these militant cycling dipshits pull up next to a car and they say...when the car yells at them, they yell back "Get a bike!"
Maddox: Well dickhead, sometimes not everyone can ride a bike. Sometimes people have disabilities, sometimes -
Dick: (interjects) Or balls!
Maddox: Sometimes... (cracks up) Yeah. (Sean and Randy laugh) Yeah, they don't have balls 'cause they're sittin' there in their big SUVs with air conditioning.
Maddox: Gettin' pampered by the climate control.
Dick: And not breathing in cancer. (smiles)
Maddox: You're all...everyone's breathing it in, dickhead!
Dick: Well, you get a little more!
Maddox: And you know what? You know what, that might be offset. The cancerous particles that we're breathing in might be offset by the fact that we have healthier bodies.
Dick: Yeah. You're the...you're the benchmark of health.
Maddox: Yeah! I don't need shit from Dick Masterson, paragon of health over here with whiskey dick. (laughs)
Dick: It's the vinyl of transport. That's what a bicycle is. (Maddox laughs more) It's the vinyl of transport.
Maddox: Vinyl of transport?
Dick: Yeah, I think you could understand more about, uh, vinyl lovers...
Dick: ...with your love for bicycles. 'Cause it is a...it is a shittier way to drive around, to get anywhere.
Maddox: Says -
Dick: (interjects) And it pisses everyone off, but you just love it!
Maddox: Yeah. Says Dick Masterson, the person who thinks that everybody needs to lose 20 pounds. (Dick chuckles) You're arguing against exercise, like bicycling exercise?
Maddox: Great! You know what, Dick? We still have to have a race. I will race you in heavy traffic on my bike, in your car; we'll see who gets to where we're goin' first.
Dick: Oh, you throw in "heavy traffic" like that's -
Maddox: (interjects) Because that's the point!! That's the point! If you live in a large city like, oh, I don't know, LA or New York or Austin or wherever -
Dick: (interjects) Then why does everyone hate you guys? Riddle me that!
Maddox: Not everybody does! It's just a bunch of blowhards.
Dick: Everybody hates bicyclers.
Maddox: It's a bunch of limp-dick, finicky, emotional blowhards like yourself who are sittin' there stuck in traffic and you look around and you think, "Oh, I'm gonna blame bicycles!" 'cause you're a conspiracy dipshit, rather than blaming other drivers! You are traffic, Dick Masterson, not me! Us cyclists, by the way? If traffic gets heavy, guess what? Sometimes I see car drivers getting frustrated and trying to get through traffic. When I go to the front of an intersection and I go forward, I always pull off to the side as far right as I can to let cars pass me by. I'm not a dick!
Dick: Not far enough.
Maddox: Ha! (scoffing)
Dick: Alright! That's my problem!
Maddox: Shit problem!
Maddox: Yeah, and I have, uh, another -
Dick: (interjects) Everyone else apologizes for inconveniencing people. You notice that?
Dick: Everybody...I get drunk, throw a beer at a baseball game, I'm like, "Sorry I did that. I deserve to be kicked out." Bicyclers don't! You think that we owe you some kind of gratitude for your stupid hobby that inconveniences everyone.
Maddox: I guess, Dick. I guess other than the benefits of riding and walking to work -- which include better health, less congestion, reduced infrastructure costs, reduced greenhouse gas emissions, better air quality, noise reduction, and savings in parking costs -- I guess other than all that, there is no advantage to riding a bike. You're welcome.
Dick: It's annoying. And that...according to the #1 problem Slacktivism, that's all it takes.
Maddox: Oho, I guess! Except Slacktivism does actually have real-world repercussions.
Dick: Not in a study! (Maddox scoffs and laughs) Just in your opinion!
Maddox: Do you have a stats? (sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.")
Dick: No! Alright.
Maddox: Hold on, Dick.
Maddox: You know, cyclists are manly men who have to shave often.
Dick: Oh, yeah. (Maddox laughs) This episode is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit http://harrys.com and use promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save 5 dollars off your first purchase. Uh yeah, cyclers are manly men who need to shave often 'cause their thighs chafe too much while they're riding their little girl bikes?
Maddox: I sh-...my thighs are smooth, buddy!
Dick: Have you been using your Harry's?
Maddox: Yeah! I still use my Harry's blades.
Dick: I need...I want them to send me some shaving cream, 'cause I had to go buy some at the store. Not only was it a pain in the ass, which Harry's is not, but I also didn't like it as much as my Harry's shaving gel.
Maddox: Yeah, the shaving gel was really good. I still have...I still have some of that, uh, the other stuff too, the shaving butter. I prefer the shaving cream over the shaving butter.
Dick: Are you gonna not use the butter? Because that's what I use.
Maddox: Oh, it's yours. Yeah, you can have my butter.
Dick: Oh, yes! Gimme that...gimme that butter, Maddox! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I'll put it all over your face. (laughs more) (Sean grimaces in the background)
Dick: Harry's high-quality German-engineered blades are crafted for sharpness and precision. I'm sure you're wondering how does Harry's.com deliver a superior shave. Were you wondering that?
Maddox: Uh, yeah! I was about to ask you. (chuckling)
Dick: They bought a blade factory in Germany and they've been crafting some of the world's highest-quality blades for almost a century. You can save...here's the meat of this: their starter kit's just 15 bucks. That includes the razor, 3 blades, and your choice of shaving cream or foaming shave gel. You like the gel, I like the cream.
Maddox: The gel's great. You can have the cream.
Dick: Cool. Uh, as an added bonus you get 5 bucks off if you put in our code, "BIGGESTPROBLEM".
Maddox: "BIGGESTPROBLEM" is the code, guys. And no joke, I have never had a set of razors last longer than those blades.
Dick: That's absolutely true.
Maddox: They're really...you're gonna get your money's worth outta that. And it supports the show, guys! Thank you for supporting us for 52 episodes! Big milestone of 52, just rolls off the tongue! Okay. Let's get to the real biggest problem...
Maddox: ...in the universe. This week, at least. Armchair Economists!
Dick: Oho, great.
Maddox: (clapping sound effect) Yeeeeah, there's a fuckin' prob-...that's a problem!!
Dick: Is this related to the deluge of comments you got about your idiotic statements in the last episode? (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah! It sure is, Dick! (Dick laughs) And I am ready to rip the asshole of these armchair economists WIDE OPEN with my foot, buddy!
Dick: Okay! So you're about to make several arguments about economics as a what? Regular guy. Right?
Maddox: Yeah! As a regular guy.
Dick: What does that mean you are?
Maddox: I'm not an armchair economist!
Dick: Go ahead!
Maddox: Yeah. (Randy laughs in the background) 'Cause I'm not makin' economic theory -
Dick: (interjects) Just curious.
Maddox: I'm not makin' economic theory; I'm criticizing a fallacy which itself is a fallacy, and I'll tell you why.
Maddox: Economists, first of all, are like the weathermen of finances. Right? Can we agree on that? Their predictions are usually bullshit, because most predictions are just that: bullshit. Every single stock market prospectus includes the phrase "past performance is not necessarily indicative of future results" because they're nothing more than glorified mediums who use clunky regression models to do just that: predict the future based on past results!!
Dick: Oh. (amused)
Maddox: That's all they're doing all fuckin' day long! The entire field of economics is one big gambler's fallacy, and only occasionally does anyone get it right! It's like wine tasting but with mathematical models that sometimes occasionally get it right. That's it.
Maddox: That's economics! First of all, a long time ago Dick, I started writing an article. This is, what, way back in 1999 or something? In the early days of my website, I started writing this article that was titled "Economists Are Full of Shit," and I started doin' all this research and got bored because reading economics books is so fucking boring. They're dry. But, uh -
Dick: (interjects) And as a math major, you hate that.
Maddox: (stammers) I'm a math major! I love numbers, I love equations and I love number theory, but economics is very boring and very dry and it's mostly bullshit! It's like -
Dick: (interjects) I'll tell you why.
Dick: Because an economist's job is not predicting the fuckin' future, like your phrasing there.
Maddox: They are.
Dick: No, that's not their job. Their job is to understand the decisions people make based on the economy. It's about understanding PEOPLE.
Maddox: Oho. (chuckling)
Dick: It's about trying to figure out what choices they make with their money, 'cause that's when the votes really count.
Dick: 'Cause they're, you know, the quantum of your life.
Dick: It's about taking that data and trying to understand what makes people tick.
Maddox: Dick, uh, you know I love you, but you're wrong. (buzzer sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: Alright. Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: That is a psy-...that is a psychologist's job.
Maddox: To understand why people do things. (Dick groans) And an ECONOMIST'S job is to model economic activity! That's all!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: They're just looking with regression models, that's what they do! I took classes in economics, and -
Dick: (interjects) How many?
Dick: Awesome. (background laughter) Thank you. Perfect answer. Please continue!
Maddox: It was a high-level economics class though.
Dick: I bet! You jumped right...why would you start at the beginning? You clearly understand what an economist's job is: to predict the fuckin' future like Madame Cleo.
Maddox: That's what...that's all they're doing, is they're trying to explain...yeah, they explain what the stock market and the economy's doing with regression models! That's all they do! It's just regression models.
Sean: So you're lumping all economists into the "armchair" tag?
Maddox: No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm specifically -
Dick: (interjects) So they...who knows what they're doing?
Sean: Just checking!
Maddox: Look, if push comes to shove I'm gonna listen to an economist over an armchair economist, and I'll tell you who the armchair economists are: our listeners!
Dick: But you already don't respect economists! Right?
Dick: You're already saying they're...you're already saying they're soothsayers. See, people don't say an armchair quarterback is an idiot and ALSO the quarterback is an idiot.
Maddox: I do! (laughs)
Dick: Yeah! Again, you don't understand the fuckin' metaphor!
Maddox: DICK -
Dick: (interjects) Somebody has to be correct if someone is an armchair *blank.*
Maddox: Dick, there are degrees of correctness! If I'm gonna listen to something about football, I'm gonna go to...I'm gonna listen to a quarterback before an armchair quarterback.
Maddox: Because more likely than not, the quarterback knows what he's talkin' about more than an armchair quarterback. That's why.
Dick: So economists do!
Maddox: Economists more than armchair economists do, yes!
Dick: Okay, go ahead!
Maddox: Yes. And by the way, there aren't...they're not ENTIRELY garbage. There's some good economists. I thought -
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, "some"?
Dick: Who's a good economist that you have on the tip of your tongue?
Maddox: I liked what Alan Greenspan did! I liked what he did with our economy. I liked some of his, uh, his -
Dick: (interjects) What specifically did you like about Alan Greenspan?
Maddox: Well, he was very conservative when it came to raising interest rates or lowering interest rates. He was very cautious, and the stock market liked that and they responded well to it.
Dick: In what ways...what did he use to raise or lower them? I just want a sp-...one specific answer outta this, 'cause it sounds like you know the name "Alan Greenspan" but you don't know specifically what you like about him.
Maddox: What are you trying to get out of me?
Dick: An answer. What do you like that he did?
Maddox: I told you, he was very cautious! Look, when 9/11 happened and the stock market went to shit, Alan Greenspan came through and he didn't panic and suddenly just...you know, throw the baby out with the bath water.
Dick: What did he do?
Maddox: He lowered the interest rate very conservatively. Like half a percentage point at a time, the interest rates.
Maddox: Right? The lending interest rates, the banking interest rates.
Maddox: Look man, it doesn't matter! The bottom line is you asked me the question and I answered it! Like, I like Alan Greenspan because he was conservative.
Dick: Yeah, but you didn't give a satisfactory answer to me.
Maddox: Because nothing...you keep moving the goalposts, Dick! I tell you specifically what I like about Alan Greenspan in that he was conservative and wasn't panicky and didn't introduce more volatility into the stock market at a time of disaster!
Maddox: That's what I liked about him.
Maddox: He's a smart guy! He was a very conservative guy. He was a shrewd economist.
Maddox: There you go! So there's one that I liked. Anyway Dick, um, a lot of people last time called me out for something called the broken window fallacy.
Maddox: You know what -
Dick: (interjects) Most blatant example of it you could possibly give. Go ahead. What was it?
Maddox: Yeah. The broken window fallacy, for those who don't know, is, um...this is from...this was the first link that someone linked to me. It's from About.com, and I think it was a girl who said, "19th century political economist Frédéric Bastiat offered an answer to such a question in his 1850 essay 'That Which Is Seen and That Which Is Unseen.'"
Maddox: This theory, this fallacy, the broken window fallacy comes from the year 1850.
Dick: So do you wanna go over what you said that made people say that?
Dick: Or do you want me to do it? So we were talking about the earthquake...
Dick: ...and you said it was good that the buildings...there can be some good from the buildings getting knocked over because building new buildings stimulates the economy.
Dick: And everybody said, "That is the definition of the broken window fallacy, which means you're totally wrong. It does not stimulate the economy."
Maddox: I didn't say "broken windows"; I said specifically those BUILDINGS being replaced would stimulate the economy. And -
Dick: (interjects) No, they didn't mean literally it's about the windows.
Dick: They meant the buildings themselves. It's the logic behind...
Maddox: Right, right, right.
Dick: The logic!
Dick: It's the logic behind "rebuilding the buildings does not stimulate the economy."
Maddox: Right. Here, I'll read -
Dick: (interjects) It doesn't.
Maddox: I'll read the fallacy. It says, "By breaking the window, the man's son has reduced..." Okay, so the example they gave of this guy in 1850 said that a son who's the son of a storekeep breaks his window, and then people around him say, "Oh well, at least it's good for the economy because now you have to buy a new window and that stimulates the economy."
Dick: Right, which is false.
Maddox: Well, that...hold on!
Dick: In my opinion.
Maddox: Okay, and in your opinion and a lot of armchair economists'.
Maddox: They say, "Because the man's son has reduced his father's disposable income, meaning that his father will not be able to purchase new shoes or some other luxury good. Thus, the broken window might help the glazier, but..." Is that how you pronounce it? Glazer? Glazier?
Dick: Yeah, I don't know.
Maddox: Whatever. It might help the windowmaker, "...but at the same time it robs other industries and reduces the amount being spent on other goods."
Maddox: "Moreover, replacing something that has already been purchased is a maintenance cost rather than a purchase of truly new goods, and maintenance doesn't stimulate production." That's the fallacy in a nutshell, right?
Dick: Well... (sighs) I mean, it's a simplification, but sure.
Maddox: No, that's the whole...that's the entire fallacy! I copied and pasted that!
Dick: That's what the original guy wrote?
Maddox: Yes!! That's what the original guy wrote!
Dick: Or that's from Wiki-...whatever.
Maddox: It's from About.com, but that is the fallacy! That's the entire fallacy right there. I'm saying -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, I think it's...there's a lot more to it than that, but you can attack just that!
Maddox: Well, that's...
Dick: If you want!
Maddox: That's the windowmaker...that's the broken window fallacy, right? They accused me of that. But here are the assumptions that it neglects, and I have 8 of them. First of all, that the father has disposable income. Right? That's an assumption! You're just assuming that in this made-up scenario where a shopkeep gets a broken window, he has disposable income.
Dick: He replaced the window. What does he replace it with? Money.
Maddox: But you can also go into debt. That's an assumption they make.
Dick: That's the same thing!
Maddox: No it's not!
Dick: You... (stammers)
Maddox: Debt is not disposable income.
Dick: But you're talking about the economy. Alright? If you're...if you're posing a situation where the guy breaks a window and then fixes it, you have to assume that he spent 'x' dollars fixing the window.
Dick: Whether it's cash, whether it's on credit, it's -
Maddox: (interjects) Different. It's a huge difference, because one -
Dick: (interjects) It's not a huge difference!
Maddox: It is a huge difference, because if you had to borrow money to replace that window, then a bank is making interest off that debt, aren't they?
Dick: I mean, not really.
Maddox: Of course they are.
Dick: Now you're assuming he borrowed it from a bank.
Maddox: No I'm not! I'm not assuming. THEY'RE making the assumption here, Dick. I'm just saying that this fallacy, it neglects the possibility that the father doesn't have disposable income.
Dick: That's not the...the point is not that it's disposable though! The point's that he has to spend it!
Maddox: Dick, you don't have to argue every single point. Let me get through this. Let me get through these -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, let me get through these points I'm arguing. Go ahead!
Maddox: Well no, but that's an assumption! You can't deny that's an assumption! Or go ahead, deny that. You're denying that that's an assumption they make?
Dick: It doesn't matter. Go through the list, I won't interrupt with points about these assumptions you're making. Go ahead.
Maddox: But that...you can't deny that that's an assumption they made!
Dick: That he has income to spend on the...?
Maddox: Disposable income! That's an assumption!
Dick: The word "disposable" is not the focus of that point they're making.
Maddox: Dick, is it or is it not an assumption?
Dick: That an imaginary guy has a disposable income?
Maddox: Okay. That's all...that's the entire point I was trying to make.
Dick: It's a hypothetical story!
Maddox: You cannot dispute that. That's...you cannot fucking dispute that. (chuckling) It's just an assumption that they made in the fallacy. Okay? That's not even the point I'm trying to make! Let me get on!
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Let me move on. Here's another assumption: that the father intended to spend that disposable income on other things. The father might opt to save that income instead of spending it, right? In which case there would be no economic stimulus. That's another assumption they made!
Dick: I mean, this is the poorest defense of a fallacy I've ever heard. Like, this has nothing to do with the point of the fallacy.
Maddox: You're saying it's poor, but you're not saying why. Why is it poor?
Dick: Yeah, 'cause when I started to you said, "Don't pick on every point."
Maddox: Dick, you cannot deny that that's an assumption they made! How are you gonna deny that?
Dick: Which one, the second one now? (sighing)
Maddox: Both of them! Those are both assumptions they made. They made the assumption that that disposable income would have necessarily been spent on something else. They're assuming that that father wasn't going to save and sit on that...they're assuming that that wasn't a bundle of cash under his pillow that he never intended to spend.
Dick: Well, that's a very bizarre case.
Maddox: It's not!
Dick: A guy running a small business, like, hoarding a very specific amount of money? 'Cause they're talking about in the long term...like over many years, the amount that he spent on the broken window would be spent possibly on something else. Like, there's...cash doesn't go and sit in a vault. A guy running a business uses the cash to do things with the business. Or he takes it as income!
Maddox: That's an assumption! But there was that...The New York Times did a story about a millionaire who was this widow who was born in the 1920s who was a multi-multi-millionaire, but every day she ate cold oatmeal and lived in a cold apartment...a cold mansion with the heater turned off because she was so shrewd. She didn't spend any of her money. So it's -
Dick: (interjects) That's a very bizarre anecdote to apply to, like, a macroeconomic principle.
Maddox: That's irrelevant!
Dick: Like, the velocity of money is something that's very real.
Dick: The money coming into the store and going out of the store is, like, part of business.
Maddox: Dick, I'm not talkin' about money coming into or out of the store. We're talkin' about a disposable set of income that someone might have that they're not spending. They're making the assumptions that he was going to spend that money. That's an assumption! You can't deny that. You can't deny that's an assumption of the fallacy.
Dick: No, you're right. He might've turned it into gold and put it in a bin like Scrooge McDuck! You're...
Maddox: He might've!
Dick: ...you're totally right, and that's -
Maddox: (interjects) People save!
Dick: That's a bizarre comment to make about this fallacy. (background laughter)
Maddox: Whether it's bizarre doesn't matter, Dick! Whether it's...look, all you need to do is find an exception to the rule and then your fallacy has a hole in it, doesn't it? (Dick starts to protest) And then here's another assumption they make: that the product being destroyed is a window that doesn't depreciate much in value. So used in modern scenarios, something much more likely to get destroyed is something like your cell phone, where you drop it in a toilet and it gets destroyed, right? That cell phone definitely depreciates in value, so replacing it isn't a maintenance cost because you're ADDING value to something that has depreciated.
Dick: I don't even understand the point you're trying to make with that one.
Maddox: Dick, windows don't appreciate or depreciate in value. Unless sometimes if they're stained glass they might, because, uh, for collector's value.
Dick: No one is thinking stained glass.
Dick: This is a guy with a shoe store that has a broken window.
Dick: It's VERY simple.
Maddox: This example comes from 1850 when the things that were breaking that needed to be replaced were things like door hinges and windows. What really -
Dick: (interjects) Those still break!
Maddox: Okay, but that's not the point. They're making...they're CHOOSING, they're cherry picking something that helps their case when it's no longer applicable to reality. What breaks more often, Dick?
Dick: Would you like this applied to you? I'll let you get through the whole list and then I'll tell you how this fallacy applies to you.
Maddox: Sure, okay!
Dick: Go ahead though, 'cause I don't wanna...I mean, I don't wanna piss you off by offering objections to your objections to the fallacy, so -
Maddox: (interjects) Dick, I haven't even made an argument until point #3. I'm just listing assumptions that the fallacy made, and you're disagreeing with assumptions -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, 'cause they're very specific!
Dick: You're...instead of...go ahead!
Maddox: These assumptions you cannot dispute. They're assumptions of the fallacy. I'm just stating them. I'm not inventing these! These aren't my arguments!
Dick: The assumptions are that it's a normal business.
Maddox: Dick, you're generalizing just to gloss over this. Like, let me get through this list, okay?
Dick: Oh, please!
Maddox: #4, here's another assumption they make: it assumes that there is no insurance to cover the cost of those new goods. Insurance is what we pay to cover incidental costs that come up, right? So as long as we don't abuse it by filing false claims, insurance premiums won't inflate significantly, and that's why insurance companies are so profitable. So that's also making an assumption that the window...the shop owner doesn't have some kind of insurance to cover incidental costs like that. Here's another assumption: it neglects the possibility that insurance can exceed the cost to replace the broken asset. So sometimes insurance pays you even more than the item is worth. You and I have a mutual friend whose car was totaled, and he got way more money from the insurance company than the car was even worth! So he actually ended up MAKING more money that he then spent on something else. That's another assumption that they make with this, uh, with this fallacy. Here's another assumption, #6: it doesn't factor in the number of people who die without making an insurance claim, which are funds that go back into the pool. That also stimulates the economy. It also assumes that any rebuilding after a war is a maintenance cost. They're assuming that everything is a maintenance cost! It neglects the possibility that the things that we rebuild are often better than the things that were destroyed. The reason old buildings get destroyed in earthquakes is often because they're not built up to code. Newer buildings are made with newer materials and technology that can withstand future earthquakes, so we're replacing something old with something new that's better and more valuable. Those are all assumptions that the fallacy completely dismisses and disregards! And then before I get to the last point, what do have to say about that?
Dick: None of this makes any sense. (Maddox sighs exasperatedly) I mean, it's... (Randy laughs in the background) I don't even know if I'd call it cherry picking!
Maddox: It's not.
Dick: It's like...it's like, I don't think you understand the basic point of the broken window fallacy.
Maddox: No, I do.
Dick: Uh, I...okay! Can you explain it...I mean, you said a lesser mind is someone who can't have two thoughts in their head.
Dick: Can you explain it in favor of the broken window fallacy?
Dick: Like, you're making it very specific, like with insurance -- even though insurance is itself a cost.
Maddox: Everybody has insurance.
Dick: You have insurance for, like...
Maddox: My car!
Dick: ...your bicycle tires?
Maddox: No, but my car I do!
Dick: So your car specifically but not in, like...in general, you don't have insurance for every little thing you own, do you?
Maddox: Sure I do! It's renter's insurance. I do!
Dick: So if you, like, tore a hole in your jeans, you would file a renter's insurance claim?
Maddox: Uh, I don't think renter's insurance covers jeans.
Dick: Of course not!! You should be able to answer that right away! No, you would never do that!
Maddox: But you're choosing a specific example of something that's not covered by it. What's your point?
Dick: I'm saying in life in general, when things break people don't file insurance claims unless it's specifically for their health or their car. People in general don't file, like, small business insurance claims for things that cost a small amount of money, 'cause it will raise their rates.
Maddox: No, I -
Dick: (interjects) And it's not covered by the deductible.
Maddox: Totally false! I file insurance claims all the time. With my renter's insurance, it covers things that are lost, stolen, or even damaged. My last apartment, I had a hand truck that was stolen. I filed an insurance claim and got money for it!
Dick: Ah, well. I mean, good for...so in your opinion, having your hand truck stolen stimulated the economy?
Maddox: Because that hand truck went to somebody who had it and wasn't probably gonna purchase it because he's a thief, so then I had to go out and buy another one. Um, this -
Dick: (interjects) Well, if you call armchair economists a big problem, then this is definitely a big problem. 'Cause that's armchair economizing.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, Dick, you asked me a question. You said, "Can I state any scenario in which the broken window fallacy is true?" And specifically -
Dick: (interjects) No, just that you understand it!
Maddox: I do, Dick. And specifically in the scenario that he laid out with these assumptions, it's correct. If the shop owner had a broken window and we're in the 1800s and we don't have any other things that are breaking and he has disposable income and he was intending to spend that disposable income on something else that he now can't buy because he has to replace that broken window, yes. In that specific scenario, the broken window fallacy applies. But that scenario is irrelevant to modern days, and I'll tell you why.
Dick: Completely irrelevant!
Maddox: Well, not completely! But to a large extent, and I'll tell you why. Here's my final...my final point and my final assumption.
Maddox: The broken window fallacy neglects the acceleration of new technology that gets developed during wars. Not only that, but it neglects the creation of entire new INDUSTRIES created during wars that didn't exist before. For example, here are some inventions that came out of World War II: radar. It was invented to get bombers on target and it cut costs of bombing campaigns significantly. Bombers were wildly off target and completely missed the entire area they were going for, destroying more innocent buildings and causing more collateral life damage. They made landing safer too because far fewer accidents happen at night. Microwaves came out of World War II. Dynamo-powered flashlights -- those are crank flashlights.
Maddox: They last upwards of 70 years! Those came out of World War II. Penicillin was invented in 1928 but it wasn't until 1939 that it was popularized because it started saving the lives of troops, and by 1944 it saved 12 to 15 percent of our soldiers, ushering in a widespread adoption of vaccination programs that we're still using today. Uh, no thanks to anti-vaxxers.
Dick: How many dicks did it save though? Penicillin?
Maddox: Probably a...
Dick: A lot! A lot more than that! That's how you cure syphilis, and...
Maddox: Oh, that's right, yeah! That's true, yeah.
Dick: ...you know, that's how you cure STDs!
Maddox: Yeah, yeah yeah!
Dick: That's why it's so important for war!
Maddox: Uh... (cracks up)
Dick: 'Cause people are bangin', man!
Maddox: People were bangin'.
Dick: "These French girls are grateful we saved 'em! Ooh la la!"
Maddox: Yeah. Um, it created synthetic rubber and oil, an all-new industry that didn't exist before the war. Jerry cans were created because of war. Jerry cans are those metallic canisters you see for gasoline that they put on the back of Jeeps.
Maddox: Those were specifically invented and designed because they had to quickly pour fuel without having a container that would compromise its structural stability, so they put an air pocket in the handle so when you poured it out, the air pocket would cause a differential that would cause the fuel to come out smoothly.
Dick: I mean, if you're crediting a war with inventing a shape of a metal can, I think that's kinda reaching.
Maddox: Well, it came out of the war because of a need!
Maddox: So did radar! Like in World War I, people...like, pilots were dropping bombs out the side of their plane. It was really rudimentary how they were bombing...doing bombing campaigns in World War I. World War II, we have -
Dick: (interjects) Some people might see that as a good thing.
Maddox: Yeah, well...
Dick: That we couldn't more easily murder a bunch of civilians.
Maddox: Yeah, but that doesn't mean we'd stop trying. (Dick laughs) We'd just waste more money doing it.
Dick: I'm just saying some people might see that as a good thing.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, you're right, you're right.
Maddox: Then we also got pressurized air cabins from World War II. It solved altitude sickness, barotrauma, and hypoxia. These were all things that we were suffering from. Anyway, um, and...so microwaves are one of the big ones that came out of World War II. Had we not had that war that created the accelerated effect on our economy, we might not have developed this technology for years to come, if ever!
Dick: Or we might've developed it sooner. Like, that's...
Maddox: No, we have evidence... (chuckles)
Dick: ...that's the point of a fallacy.
Maddox: But we have evidence that we didn't develop it sooner.
Dick: But you can't say, "Without the war, they wouldn't have made a gas container faster and better than the one we have."
Dick: Like, there's no control for this claim you're making.
Maddox: There is in that these things were specifically invented to solve a problem that we had during a war. Had we had...look, nobody had a problem of pouring out gasoline quickly before the war.
Dick: Yeah. (unsure)
Maddox: This was just something that they invented on the field because they saw a need for it.
Dick: Well, we might've...if we had not been fighting a war...this is what people are saying that you gotta understand.
Dick: If we had not been fighting a war, we might've solved a bigger problem.
Dick: Like yeah, we solved not being able to fuel Jeeps fast enough.
Dick: But we might've solved, you know, female genital mutilation.
Dick: With the money and the resources that we sunk into killing people.
Dick: We might've solved something better! Might've solved slacktivism! I don't know how, but it might have happened.
Maddox: It's possible, Dick, but without mobilizing those funds and without really having a cause behind it, without getting the entire nation behind you and scientists thinking about it around the clock, there's no urgency. And I would make the case that wars accelerate the creation of these devices and these inventions specifically to solve these problems because we have an active, urgent need for it, whereas female genital mutilation has been going on for decades and decades and nobody's done anything about it.
Maddox: Uh, yeah, sure! Centuries.
Dick: Yeah, forever.
Maddox: So it's been going on DESPITE war. It's been going on regardless of war, because I don't think that nations view it as a very urgent problem like they did with war.
Dick: Yeah. I'm gonna tell you something very honestly: I think it's a shame that you can say war is good because it grows technology. I think that's a really bad thing...seed to put in people's heads.
Maddox: Well, hold on. I'm not saying war is good. I definitely didn't say that.
Dick: Yeah, but I think if you credit it...if you credit it for inventing these things and we might not have invented them sooner, I think that's a really poisonous thing to put in people's heads.
Sean: But isn't it fair to say that both things can be true?
Sean: I mean, I don't think that it's necessarily A or B.
Sean: Like I mean, yeah, it grew our economy *and* war is pretty shitty.
Maddox: Yeah. That's correct, Sean.
Dick: But you don't know that it...you don't know that it grew the economy!
Maddox: We do.
Dick: That's what you're saying. You don't know!
Sean: But it is credited.
Dick: It's...yeah, but that's a problem too!
Sean: Yeah, I mean...
Dick: Like, there's also evidence saying the war DIDN'T grow the economy and in fact stifled it, and that war in general is not this, uh, contributor to -
Sean: (interjects) Creates an economic boom?
Dick: Yeah! There's evidence saying it doesn't, and that's what being an economist is: taking multiple views of something...
Dick: ...and kind of positing what maybe...why maybe we did the things that we did.
Maddox: But you didn't address the 7th point that I made, Dick, that the fallacy neglects that all costs in a war are not maintenance costs. Some of them are technology costs! Like if you replace a depreciated computer...like for example, if mine got burned in a fire in my apartment and I filed an insurance claim for it, it would be replaced for the monetary value that that computer was worth.
Maddox: They don't necessarily count depreciation or whatever, and I may be able to take those funds and buy a computer today that would cost...that would be worth way more, that has way more value than whatever I replaced.
Maddox: So not everything is a maintenance cost. Those buildings that are being rebuilt in Nepal are being built up to today's standards rather than those shacks that they had before.
Dick: That's...100 percent false.
Maddox: No! No, it's not! They did in China! That's what they did in China! All the buildings they rebuilt in China after the Szechuan Province earthquake, all that infrastructure they're rebuilding is using modern polymers, modern technology, modern equipment; everything's gonna be better.
Dick: So lemme ask you this.
Dick: Lemme ask you this. First of all, China's not a third-world country that no one gives a shit about. So of course they built their stuff good, 'cause they have the ability to do that. #2, and here is the core of the broken window fallacy: they rebuilt a whole town, got it up to par, right?
Dick: And you say that's a good thing?
Dick: There you go, and that's where the myopia sinks in because what you don't think is with all that money, if we didn't have to rebuild these buildings, we could've built 100 hospitals. We could've built 100 schools. We could've built any number of things that now we cannot build 'cause we had to rebuild shit that was basically working.
Maddox: Yeah, but you're also neglecting -
Dick: (interjects) That's the fallacy!
Maddox: I understand that Dick, but you're also neglecting that instead of...we could have built, we could have, we could have. I'm hearing a lot of "we could haves," but we could have also just sat on that money and put it in the stock market, and we could have just sat there collecting interest on it. We COULD HAVE. We could have, except you know what really inspires people to do things, Dick? Inspiration comes from necessity. That's when you actually have to get up off your ass and do something about it. You have to get up off your ass and BUILD something, because it's gone! You need it!
Maddox: That's why radar was built in World War II!
Dick: I think people dying is a good necessity to build a hospital.
Maddox: It is!
Dick: Like, the point of the fallacy is the "could have." You're saying that the "could have" is the stupid part, but the fallacy posits the idea that, "Look at all the things you *could have* done if you didn't have to spend this money replacing something." Like if your bicycle tire got slashed by someone who thinks bicyclers are a big problem...
Dick: ...and that they're also too big of pussies to do anything about it, right?
Dick: If somebody just walked out and slashed your bike tire -
Maddox: (interjects) They're wrong. They would get a tire iron upside their head, but go on. (Dick cackles)
Dick: You'll have to spend money replacing that tire -- 'cause you're not gonna submit an insurance claim for that!
Dick: That you might've spent on, I don't know, making another video.
Dick: Like, the point of the fallacy is the "what if." What if you didn't have to spend it? That's why you can't just say, "It's good that they slashed my bike tire because now I have to go spend money on another tire."
Dick: It's easy to say that!
Maddox: That's a beautiful cherry-picked assumption that you made.
Dick: But that's what...it's not cherry-picked! That's what replacing this shit -
Maddox: (interjects) It is! You specifically chose an example of something that isn't insured, like my bike. If you used that example with my car I would say, "Yeah, well, it's insured and my insurance rate isn't gonna go up. They're just gonna replace the tire and that's that." If it happens too often, yeah, my insurance rate might go up, but you've neglected insurance. You've chosen something that isn't covered by insurance. (yelling)
Dick: (groaning) Oh, my...yeah, this is...you are WAY far off on this. Let's take insurance then!
Dick: If insurance covers it, you're also contributing money globally to a business that is building tires instead of the business you would've other-...instead of the industry you would've otherwise put your money in.
Dick: Globally. Yes, because that mon-...the tire company has to get money from somewhere, whether it's you or the insurance company.
Dick: Doesn't fuckin' matter that it's insurance! They would've got that money and the industry benefits that small, small, tiny drop, and all those drops add up. Otherwise, another industry...let's say you would've gone and bought a video game. The video game industry would've benefited from that money! It doesn't matter that you personally have to spend it one way or the other. Would you rather have that money go to the bicycle tire industry or the video game industry, which you would...I think you would support more!!
Maddox: Dick, what you said makes no sense because you're assuming that the money that I have invested in insurance is mine to spend however I want. It's NOT. It's there specifically to replace tires or some damage that happens to my car. Of course, if I had that money as disposable income I might spend it on video games, I might spend it on making a new video, or I might save it and invest it. If I don't have an urgency to spend it, I might not spend it because as a shrewd investor, as somebody who wants to save money for the future, if I'm going to put money in the bank I'm gonna leave it there unless I have to spend it. That's why you save money for a rainy day! That phrase comes from necessity! Spending for a rainy day, spending in case of adversity. That money is not there for you to spend if it's invested in insurance. The only way to stimulate the economy...and by the way, insurance companies are hoarding that money and collecting interest on it! The only way to stimulate the economy is to get that value out of the insurance company and replace that tire. That DOES have a net positive effect on the economy.
Dick: Um, I don't know how...I don't know what to root for in the voting on this one, because I think you're being the biggest armchair economist, like, that I've ever met now, and I think it's a big problem 'cause I don't think you know what you're talking about in this case.
Maddox: I know!
Dick: I mean, this is...like, part of this is saying that war is good 'cause it brings te-...so I don't know how -
Maddox: No nonono, I didn't say war is good! What Sean said is perfect. Sean said that some good can come of war, but war is also bad.
Dick: Okay. I don't know how I want the voting to go. I guess go vote up Armchair Economists! Why not?
Maddox: You know, Dick? You know what's a big problem, is not being able to breathe in space, and that's...because of that problem NASA has created all sorts of technology and all sorts of space companies...uh, space industries in various countries have tackled this problem to create new technologies to solve this problem. We're not sitting down on Earth trying to think of new ways to breathe in space unless we had to! We didn't think of those problems until we encountered them, so that's why *sometimes* some problems can inspire creation of new industries that we didn't even know existed.
Maddox: Our economy is bigger today because of World War II, because of these technologies that were invented out of necessity. Had we not had that necessity, you know what, Dick? Maybe it would've been invented, maybe not, maybe it would've taken multiple more years to come about, but that necessity created that invention and you can't deny that.
Sean: You're saying society is more reactionary than anything else.
Dick: Yeah, that's why Slacktivism is problem #1, 'cause people see it and get pissed off and then click the vote when it does absolutely nothing.
Dick: Slacktivism does absolutely fuckin' nothing. Alright!
Maddox: Well, that's my problem!
Dick: Well, that's your point!
Dick: Uh, should we go over...we got anything else? You got any...
Maddox: Ah, this is a...this is a looooong episode.
Maddox: This is our longest episode yet!
Dick: Do you have anything else?
Maddox: No, that's, uh...I mean, I got some other stuff but I guess I'll just end on this last point here. (chuckles) Richard Bearce says, "Dick is a genius!" And he quoted you; he said, "Are heart attacks good because they keep cardiac surgeons employed?" And he says, "No, Maddox, heart attacks are NOT good." (cracks up) And then he says, "WWII was not good for the economy. Yes, the stimulus spending..." and then he just, like, kinda rambled on with this, uh, poorly written -
Dick: (interjects) No, he's making good points!
Dick: World War II was not good for the economy, heart attacks are not good because they keep cardiac surgeons employed. Pretty simple.
Maddox: Well, heart attacks...cardiac surgeons exist because heart attacks exist, so those cardiac surgeons are in an industry that was created in response to heart attacks.
Dick: No, you're totally right! We'd be so fucked if there was no heart attacks and we had all these cardiac surgeons around that didn't know what to do! Right? (Maddox chuckles) That would be the biggest problem ever! We got all these cardiac surgeons but no fuckin' heart attacks! Let's gin up some heart attacks!
Maddox: Yeah. You know Dick, I took a class that was, uh, that studied modeling not just of the economy but of the heart, because it's very similar...the equations that they use for regression models for the economy are similar to equations they use to model electrical pathways through the heart.
Maddox: And they found that, uh...in doing this research, they found that this has applications in so many other fields that they never even thought of. It's improved not just pacemakers but cancer research and biology and chemistry, all these different fields! These applications came about because we were trying to solve this problem of heart attacks, so I don't think that it's...I think it's a simplistic view to say that, "Yeah, cardiac surgeons wouldn't exist without heart attacks, but then they would be spending that time doing something else." You know what? It might have a net positive. That's all I'm saying.
Dick: Alright. You done?
Dick: I gotta get to one more thing before we close out the show, because as you know, last week...I won.
Maddox: Ughhh! [Dick plays "My Heart Will Go On" parody] Dick, nobody...NO, THIS IS FUCKIN' BULLSHIT!! (Dick cackles) This is what I get?!
Dick: Uh, do you remember where we were last time? It's been a while since we've had to watch 30 seconds of Titanic.
Maddox: You know what, dickhead? You don't get to play this song AND the Titanic clip.
Dick: I was talking to you about where we are in Titanic! I'm not just playing the song!
Dick: Do you remember where we were?
Maddox: No! I FUCKIN' hate this song.
(Male singer: Maddox is an asshole...)
Dick: I'll tell you then! You can sit through me recapping it if you want. We started under the ocean...what?
(Male singer: ...and he can go fuck himself...)
Maddox: (stammers angrily) Fuck YOURself, Grant Mooney! Piece of shit.
(Male singer: ...his problems all suck and he deseeeeeerves this.)
Dick: We were under the ocean, and Bill Paxton was taking us on some kind of archaeological expedition. Right? In the submarine under the sea? Do you remember that?
Maddox: I don't know, I haven't seen it! I haven't seen it.
(Male singer: Keeeeep playing these Titanic clips...)
Dick: Do you remember when he pulled out, uh...what did he pull out, a little child's toy?
Maddox: A dildo!
Dick: A dildo?
Dick: He pulled out a safe. Do you remember what he pulled out of the safe?
Maddox: No, 'cause I didn't see it, Dick!! I was looking down at my cock!
(Male singer: ...and Dick, you can go on and...)
Dick: Yeah, but you heard it!
Maddox: No!! I...you know what? I'm pluggin' my ears this time.
Dick: And you said, "What did...what did he pull out, a big gem?" Remember?
(Male singer: ...go on and go fuuuuuuuuck yourself.)
Dick: He opened the safe and he said -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, 'cause I read the synopsis! I know what it is!
[song fades out]
Dick: Oh, you know what it is??
Dick: Well, you're in luck. You're gonna relive it! (background laughter)
Maddox: Ffffuckin' hate this song. (muttering)
Dick: I've mixed in Asterios' commentary too. [plays next 30 seconds of Titanic]
(sounds of people clapping and cheering)
Dick: Alright, there they are opening the safe.
Maddox: I'm not... (chuckles) I'm lookin' up.
Maddox: Lookin' up!
(sounds of banging on metal and something wet spilling out)
Maddox: Sounds juicy.
Dick: Alotta water came out of there.
Asterios: Aha, yeeeah! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Ugh!! (laughs) Asterios!
Asterios: Look at his face! (Maddox laughs more)
(voice echoing through a loudspeaker on ship)
Asterios: He looks like a bottle of hot sauce! (Maddox groans)
Dick: Don't you wanna see that?
Asterios: Yeah, he's got that bulging vein thing going on! Oho my god, is he gonna die?
Maddox: Why are you lookin', Randy? Titanic lover!
Dick: It's a good movie! (smiling)
Maddox: It's a SHIT movie.
Dick: Is it better than Guardians of the Galaxy do you think, or worse?
Randy: It looks like that box that got mailed to you. (from background)
Maddox: It's prob-... (cracks up)
Asterios: Great joke, Dick! (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly)
Dick: Randy said it looks like the box we got from Butt Sanchez.
(Guy in movie: You know boss, the same thing happened to Geraldo and his career never recovered.)
Dick: That's pretty funny.
Maddox: This feels like longer than 30 seconds.
Dick: It was a little bit longer. I've been growing them by a couple seconds every week. (smiles)
Maddox: Ohh, you son of a...I knew it! I KNEW it! Somebody commented too, they found that one of 'em was like 36 seconds long.
Dick: Oh, go fuck yourself. (everyone laughs) Alright, my problem...my problem was, um, Bicyclers. (closing riff starts)
Maddox: And my problem was Armchair Economists! Which I'm not, but you should definitely vote up.
Dick: See you next Tuesday.
Maddox: Fuckin' bullshit fallacies. (muttering)
Voicemail (male caller): Dick, brah! This is Chad, I'm a moderator from Bodybuilding.com.
Voicemail: You may know me by my handle RoidBalls96. (everyone laughs) And uh, I have the answer to your question, 'cause at Bodybuilding.com we care about providing accurate info and gettin' stuff right and stuff.
Dick: That's true. (Maddox laughs)
Voicemail: So historically Armenia has been associated with Asia and the Middle East...
Voicemail: ...but these days, it's economically in line with Europe. In fact, Armenia's joining the Eurasian Economic Union in January. (Maddox groans)
Dick: Is that not true?
Maddox: I don't know.
Voicemail: Also, I wanted to inform you that we banned your account.
Dick: Oh! (Maddox laughs)
Voicemail: Yeah, turns out there have been numerous sexual harassment claims on our forums from both our male and transsexual users. (Maddox and Dick laugh) So as we say at Bodybuilding.com, GNC sucks and go fuck yourself.
Maddox: Your account got banned? (laughing)
Dick: Nah, not...no complaints from women though, so what does that tell ya? Only men and transsexuals. (laughs)
Maddox: I mean, it tells me there's no women on Forum.bodybuilding.com.
Dick: Oh, there is!!
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: No hot chicks hanging out on a forum with bros!
Dick: (chuckles) Yeah, why would women wanna hang out with a bunch of buff dudes, right?
Maddox: 'Cause they're...they talk like meatheads. (Dick giggles) Maybe in real life, but you wouldn't wanna chat with them online.
Dick: Ohh. (amused)
Maddox: Talkin' about Armenia's economic policy? Get outta here. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, it's Ben from Ohio. Just, uh, had a quick question for you. Where the fuck is my bonus episode?
Voicemail: I paid fuckin' 94 somethin' cents for this thing, (Maddox laughs) and I don't have time to be fuckin' sittin' around all weekend waitin' for your bonus episode so that I can fuckin' sit around all weekend and do nothin' listenin' to your bonus episode instead of doin' my job. And I don't wanna hear any bullshit about "Ohh, Boisterous Coconuts came by unexpectedly and we had to host him!" Put him on the fuckin' bonus episode...
Maddox: That's a good idea.
Voicemail: ...and gimme my goddamn bonus episode.
Maddox: Yeah, uh -
Voicemail: And just one other quick thing. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Always one other quick thing!
Voicemail: Dick, if you get a moment between not releasing the bonus episode, if you could go fuck yourself. (Maddox laughing) Thanks guys, bye.
Maddox: I'll tell you what you can do, uh, where your bonus episode is. It's probably where that other $1.05 is, dickhead. Our bonus episodes don't cost 94 cents.
Dick: But they are available on the website, so you can go there to buy them.
Maddox: Yep. $1.99 or $15.99 for the entire season, which is a bargain! You save like, what, 7 bucks!
Dick: Yeah, so don't buy that. Buy them individually.
Maddox: Buy them individually, yeah. Multiple times, we recommend. Um, yeah, I don't know -
Sean: (interjects) It stimulates the economy. (everyone laughs)
Maddox: Sean, bringin' it home. Bravo. Yeah, I don't know, send Dick an email if you're not gettin' the bonus episodes. I've gotten a bunch of emails from people who don't get it for some reason. And usually -
Dick: (interjects) They put the wrong email in!
Maddox: It's usually the wrong email, yeah!
Dick: It's always the wrong email! How the fuck hard is it to copy and paste your own email?!
Maddox: Yeah, it's...it's awful. These people put typos in their email, and then they...like, every single time they say, "No, I'm sure I typed it correctly 'cause I got the PayPal receipt." I'm like, "Dickhead, your PayPal receipt is tied to your actual email!
Maddox: Not the one that you typed into the...and then it's always like, "homail.com" instead of "hotmail."
Dick: Wait, who's using Hotmail anymore either?
Maddox: Uh, our listeners.
Dick: They are, I know!! I don't get... (sighs)
Maddox: I guess!
Dick: That's it.
Maddox: Dick, I got one last clip to play. This is from Reverend Scott. He sent in another clip this time. So he sent in one for our 50th episode and he thought this was another milestone, 52!
Dick: Did he rip off the background music this time and not credit it?
Maddox: Sure... (chuckles) Sure did!
Dick: Did you see that?
Maddox: I credited it though, yeah.
Dick: Oh, really?
Maddox: Yeah, I did.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: I saw that somebody in the comments said, "This came from someone else."
Dick: Yeah. No regard!
Maddox: Yeah. No, he mentioned it in an email but I thought it was a collaboration. I don't know if it was, but I -
Dick: (interjects) No!
Maddox: I gave credit just to be safe.
Maddox: So anyway, here it is. [plays Reverend Scott's message]
Maddox sound clip: "If she don't raw dog, I go, 'Naw, dog.'"
(relaxing acoustic guitar music starts in background)
Dick: Here comes the Christian Ministries of Reverend Scott.
Maddox: I love it. (smiling)
Reverend Scott: Hey there Maddox, Dick and Sean. This is Reverend Scott. Here to celebrate your one-year anniversary with a little segment I like to call "Holy Shit with Reverend Scott." I can already tell you're excited to hear it, Maddox.
Maddox sound clip: "Ughhh! This is worse than sittin' on my balls."
Reverend Scott: Maybe I'll just stop, then.
Dick sound clip: "Come on, it makes my nipples so hard."
Reverend Scott: Well, in that case I'll continue! (Randy laughs in the background) First things first though: it's about time I came here with my own problem.
Reverend Scott: I've been listenin' to your problems for a year now. Plastic bag bans, self-checkout lanes not working, not enough bartenders, Toms shoes, anti-vaxxers, drought dickbags, celebrity worship, hipsters, detox diets; you know what all those have in common? The state of fuckin' California.
Reverend Scott: That's my problem. Cali-fuckin'-fornia. We're really only one earthquake away from solving that problem though, so everybody go vote down earthquakes 'cause that's not a problem. That's a solution! I'd like to see you try and argue against that logic, Dick.
Dick sound clip: "Uhhh...alright, lemme think. Hold on. Nah, you got me." (Maddox laughs)
Reverend Scott: What's even worse about California is all you jerkoffs live there.
Maddox sound clip: "Get fucked."
Reverend Scott: I'm serious! I don't like what that place is doin' to you guys. What do you spend most of your time doin' there, Dick?
Dick sound clip: "'Usually I'm getting my ass torn up."
Reverend Scott: I know I don't wanna pass out at any parties YOU go to, Dick.
Dick: Gay jokes.
Reverend Scott: Not with what they do to ya.
Dick sound clip: "They draw dicks on your face, they put their dicks on your face, they put your dick on THEIR face." (Dick laughs)
Reverend Scott: And don't you laugh Maddox, because California has done something even worse to you. It's taken away your manhood.
Maddox sound clip: "Hey guys, psychologically I identify as a woman, so you have to call me a woman, I get to use the women's restrooms...I haven't had the operation or the surgery yet. Nobody should be allowed to doubt my sincerity."
Reverend Scott: Oh, we won't, buddy. (Maddox laughs) And that's probably why you're so into censoring porn!
Maddox sound clip: "I mean, a vagina would totally kill my boner if I saw it uncensored." (Sean laughs in the background)
Reverend Scott: I think it's about time we just all said farewell to Maddox's balls.
Maddox sound clip: "Take my balls, do with them what you will! Why don't you have a Viking funeral for my balls? Why don't you just send them out to sea, set them on fire and watch them just get ashy. They might as well, 'cause they're never gonna do anything."
Reverend Scott: At least you can start getting the type of sex that you want the most.
Maddox sound clip: "Super into anal." (Maddox laughs)
Reverend Scott: Okay, okay.
Maddox sound clip: "Sometimes penis goes into butt." (fart sound effect)
Reverend Scott: Okay Maddox, we get it! God. And I'd mention Sean too, but then this segment would probably get deleted. (Maddox laughs) Oh, and Asterios, uh...he's not even from California so I'm not sure what his excuse is.
Asterios sound clip: "This whiny little bitch needs to shut the hell up!"
Reverend Scott: You know what? I think that's enough for one week, guys. Congrats on one year of podcasts. Now go vote up California. And as always, peace and love, guys.
Maddox sound clip: "Shithead! FUCK! Oh man, I'm g-...I'm gonna jerk off out of anger!"