Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 49

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit for your free audio book download.

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy?! (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: This is the big episode. 49, Dick! One away from our milestone of 50.

Dick: Well, technically, (grins, Maddox chuckles) somebody brought this up, but technically, that makes this our 50th episode because of Deletey McGee.

Maddox: Yeah! (they both crack up)

Dick: Right, Sean?!!?

Maddox: (laughs) I brought in a comment. I brought in a comment.

Sean: It was the same episode we recorded!!

Dick: No, it wasn't!! How dare you? How dare you!?

Maddox: Sorry, Sean.

Dick: Every time, even if we're saying the same things, it's different.

Sean: That's right. You guys got two brand new problems. (Dick chuckles)

Maddox: Mark Burton says, "You guys need to celebrate the 51st episode instead of the 52nd because you have to account for the one Sean deleted."

Sean: That's actually pretty funny.

Maddox: You know, if you wanna be real pedantic, we have those original six, too.

Sean: And you do.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) I always do.

Dick: Well, we have the original six, and we have six bonus episodes.

Maddox: Oh, that's true.

Dick: So, technically, we're at 13…we're at 62 now? Is that right? Is that the right math?

Maddox: Uh…no. Not at all. Not even close.

Dick: How is that not right?

Maddox: 49?!? Okay, uh…yeah, maybe. Alright.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. (taunts) Maybe.

Maddox: I was thinking…

Dick: (interjects) Go vote up time machines.

Maddox: I was thinking 59. Yeah.

Sean: The two smartest men on the Internet. (Dick cackles)

Dick: How did we do last week?

Maddox: The votes…Dick. Uh, big problem. Obesity.

Dick: Ugh. (groans)

Maddox: Came in first. The biggest problem in the universe…

Dick: Dammit.

Maddox: Is obesity. (Dick groans) I would say. It's…it's really climbing the ranks there. It's 18…I think about 1800 votes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And followed by Bacon Worship!! CLEANED HOUSE, Dick! I cleaned house last…you know, people…(Dick sighs) That really struck a chord with people. And then dead last was your income tax, which was still in the positive territory.

Dick: I can't believe it.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: I thought…I thought that would get, like, 10,000 votes.

Maddox: (scoffs) Oookay.

Dick: Who…because I even brought it in! I thought I was being cheap. Like, I was cheating?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, oh here, I'll just bring in this…

Maddox: Vote grab.

Dick: …obvious biggest problem in the universe.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Everyone hated it. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Everyone hated it. It's sitting…Income Tax, right now, on the big list, is sitting between Mandatory Holiday Shifts. Not quite as high!

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Not as big of a problem! The income tax!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Taking six weeks of your life every year. Not as big of a problem as mandatory holiday shifts. Slightly…slightly a bigger problem than "Not Enough Bartenders".

Maddox: Hah! (laughing) Both of your bullshit…you know, Dick? This is…this is exactly what you deserve.

Dick: No, one of those was yours. One of those was yours.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Mandatory Holiday Shifts was your problem.

Maddox: Was that mine?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Like I give a fuck if people have to work on holidays!!

Maddox: Ohhhhh, yeah. That's right, yeah. Everyone hated you that episode.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You came across real fucking elitist, Dick! (laughing) Okay. Um…

Dick: Got a comment?

Maddox: Yeah, I got a comment. I got a comment from Keenan Watrus. He says, "You wrote multiple books, coded 2000 lines for a single program that will never be used again, won several awards, yet your website still looks like shit."

Dick: (giggles) That's true.

Maddox: Shut up, Keenan. That's not the point! W…how many beautiful websites have gone under, idiot? Have you ever heard of the dot com bubble? Why don't you fucking look it up on Wikipedia? Oh, I know it's ancient history to you fucking Vine stars.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Shitheads. Alright, what do you got?

Dick: Hey, Dickfucker Masterson.

Maddox: That's you.

Dick: This is from Anthony Emiliano Campuzano. "If you don't want to pay taxes, that's fine. But you're not allowed to use public roads, libraries…" which is spelled wrong. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: How did he spell it?

Dick: Uh…"r", "y", "s". Librarys. (Maddox laughs) Librarys.

Maddox: Sounds like he doesn't pay taxes.

Dick: Yeah, you know what? You can keep your libraries. I don't…when was the last time you needed to go to the…that's the second example?! I can't use public roads, or almost as important…librarys.

Maddox: Libraries.

Dick: I can't use that.

Maddox: Uh-huh. Librarys.

Dick: "The post office" . That's fine, I got FedEx. UPS is closer to my apartment. "Call the police for help". That'll be the day. (laughs) Right?!? (Maddox and Sean crack up) Please. "Call the Fire Department". No problem, I have insurance. (grinning)

Maddox: Ohhh, I'm still laughing at the police coming to help you. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Those assholes! I called…I called the cops three times in the last month, like two and a half months. They came two of the three times, both an HOUR late, and did nothing!

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: They're like "Well, we need evidence of the crime." Like, hey, DICKHEAD! If you would have showed up within, even, I dunno, THIRTY minutes of it happening, I could have shown you. But now it's gone. Isn't it, dipshit!?

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Sean: Well you did call them on an old lady.

Dick: (laughs) Did you?

Maddox: Well, that was one of…

Dick: (interjects) Did you call on her?

Maddox: Yeah, of course I did!

Dick: Oh, oh yeah yeah yeah. That was one of the times.

Maddox: That was one of the times.

Dick: Yeah. I…I called them…the only reason I call the cops is because my insurance company makes me file a police report.

Maddox: Yeah! But you know what they're doing now? LAPD especially. What they do is they'll come and they won't file a report, because if they don't file a report, that artificially deflates the crime number in the city!

Dick: Oh, fuck off.

Maddox: Uh-huh! And then they come to the mayor and they say, "Hey look, our crime level's lower." They get more funding and they buy more new toys. That's what they're doing. My friend got assaulted by gang members just a couple of months ago and they wouldn't even file a report, even though they caught the gang members who did it! They wouldn't file a report because they want to artificially deflate that crime number.

Dick: Those motherfuckers.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then they buy military gear.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: That our income tax has paid for.

Maddox: Oookay.

Dick: Fuck me! Fuck me!

Maddox: Agenda. (laughs)

Dick: But fuck me! I won't use your librarys!! Okay!!! (Maddox cracks up) Put a big sign at the front of the librarys that says, "No Dick Masterson allowed at the librarys." You wanna jerk off, Dick Masterson? You gotta jerk off at your home Internet! You can't jerk off here! Who the fuck needs a library!?!? (angry)

Maddox: You know, you…


Maddox: You elitist fuck. I…(stammers) I have friends who go to the library, okay, dickhead?!

Dick: What?!?! (incredulous)

Maddox: And I went a lot when I was a kid.

Dick: Are they all homeless?

Maddox: No. (laughing) (Sean laughs)

Dick: Why do they go to the library?

Maddox: Because it's a nice place to study, asshole! And then you can also rent movies and check out audio books…(cracks up) (Dick scoffs) Ookay.

Dick: Like the books at Audible?

Maddox: Perfect. (laughing)

Dick: "Call the Fire Department. Get Social Security." (Sean laughs) Okay, again. Jesus Fucking Christ. The income tax does not pay for Social Security.

Maddox: Right. That's the Social Security tax.

Dick: That's the payroll tax.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's…(frustrated) which makes me wonder if this guy is a kid and doesn't have a job, or has just never looked at a pay stub.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or is maybe a dog. I don't know. It's the Internet. Who fucking knows?!

Maddox: Yeah who fucking knows the demographic of somebody commenting on our message boards. (they all laugh)

Dick: Here's a…here's a good one. This one's actually…um, do you wanna do one?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. I got one.

Dick: Or you gonna cut me off? Alright.

Maddox: I got one from Simon Kempthorne. He says, "I hear that North Korea doesn't have income taxes. Perhaps, Dick, you'd fit right in there. Go fuck yourself, comrade."

Dick: Great. (Maddox laughs)

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hello, Haek Doyan here. Or "Hake Dillian", as Dick says."

Dick: Whatever. (Maddox laughs)

"This is so typical. Like, Maddox is worried about what the human race is gonna do in a few billion years when the world is gonna end, but he can't even get his fucking taxes done on time!"

(Maddox and Sean crack up)

Dick: It's true! (grins)

"Dick, make sure you tell Maddox to go fuck himself! Love the show, guys.")

Dick: You heard that, right? (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, good job, man. Uh, I'm gonna call into a show and leave voice mail to tell somebody who is listening to go fuck himself via another person.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Good job.

Dick: Sean Michael Conley says, "People like bacon because they're trying to buy…" were you gonna read that one?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good comment. Go ahead.

Dick: Oh, yeah. "People like bacon because they're trying to buy a masculine identity instead of earning it. Bacon gets set up as this manly food for lumberjacks and cowboys and shit, so guys try to use it as some sort of substitute for actual manliness, responsibility, hard work, dignity, etc."

Maddox: Yeah, man. I read that comment. That was a really good comment.

Dick: Yeah, it is.

Maddox: It really is an astute observation. They are trying to package masculinity and sell it back to men, saying, "Hey man, you wanna be a manly dude? You better eat some bacon, otherwise you're gonna be emasculated." That's what it is. I think that guy struck the chord.

Dick: (sighs) Uh…let's see here. Oh, Laurie Foster wrote in.

Maddox: Oh, Laurie. The transcriber.

Dick: She said, "I haven't finished listening to the podcast, but Orson Welles voices Unicron, not Omicron. Not Omnicron."

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: You remember last episode when you said it's easy to come up with a cool alien planet name?

Maddox: Yeah, and I did, and the thing…you know what was so cool about the names I came up with?

Dick: Well, you shit the p…you shit the bed. Immediately.

Maddox: No. No! No, first of all, okay. I said "Omnicron", and then you said "Omicron", right? In fact, it was Unicron. And I thought about it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then I…that's why I went to Umlaut, because of the U, but I didn't say…

Dick: Oh, I see.

Maddox: I didn't say it, 'cause I was immediately thinking of Umlaut.

Dick: That's your process.

Maddox: But you know what…you know what, Dick? You know what's great about my names that I came up with? Is that they're not made-up bullshit.

Sean: Shotgun Blast? (incredulous) (Dick cracks up laughing)

Maddox: That's a thing, Sean!

Sean: What triggered…what triggered that?!

Dick: That's not made-up bullshit?! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No! Because it's a real thing! If you call a planet Broomstick, that's way better than Zandar, because at least it's a thing. Name…like everything around us is named after something or somebody. That's why I said Shotgun Blast. That's a real thing. That's a cool fucking planet. Hey, you wanna go to Shotgun Blast? That sounds awesome. That sounds like a Borderlands planet. Awesome.

Dick: (stammers) Hell. A hellish nightmare, you mean.

Maddox: A hellish nightmare?

Dick: Awesome. Yeah, Borderlands, as a planet?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just lawlessness and, umm…

Maddox: Well, I was talking about the video game, but that would be a cool…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That would be a cool name for a planet. Metal Gear Solid. That'd be a cool planet! I'd go to Metal Gear Solid.

Dick: So you're just…that's what you wanna see in Guardians of the Galaxy 2? "Hey, we're going to Metal Gear Solid, the planet." (Maddox cracks up) Talk about product placement.

Maddox: That would be amazing.

Dick: You would be offended by that.

Maddox: Yeah, probably.

Dick: Sony dropping their…

Maddox: (interjects) Probably not.

Dick: …product placement all over the movie. All over another company's movie. Um, I got a bunch of people calling me a libertarian and an anarchist.

Maddox: Yep!

Dick: A lot of people calling me an anarchist this time.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: 'Cause I don't want a very specific type of tax.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know.

Maddox: You know, Dick? I feel bad for you sometimes, because you bring in these…

Dick: Thanks. (guffaws) (Maddox laughs) Why, because my face is too small for my head?!?! (Sean and Maddox crack up)

Maddox: Among other things. Um…

Sean: Yeah. We got Haley Joel Osmont over here. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: What the fuck!?!? Fuck you, Sean!!!!

Maddox: Oh. That reminds me. I got some…

Sean: That was sarcastic. Have you seen that kid, though?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He does look weird.

Maddox: Yeah, he looks real weird. I got some fanart. This is from John Nikolouzos. Niklozas. Whatever. It's Charlie Brown with Dick's face on it. Look at that. (they all crack up abruptly)

Dick: So it's Charlie Brown's head, which is about the size of a half-dollar, a silver dollar, and then my face is about the size of a dime.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In the middle of your pinkie fingernail.

Maddox: (laughs) A tiny…tiny little one. And then I got another piece of fanart…

Dick: What does that guy's face look like?!

Maddox: It's probably normal. It's probably in proportion to…(cracks up)

Dick: Ahh, you're probably right. (they all crack up) Good grief!!

Maddox: Oh boy, Charlie. Um…I got another piece of fanart from Johnny Carter, or @JohnnyAYCarter on Twitter. It's the Biggest Ass Problem in the Universe. It's a comic. Here, Dick, I'll let you read this one.

Dick: Uh…(sighs) I can't see it from here. It's…it's Maddox, annoyed..oh, I'm forcing Maddox to watch Titanic in this clip, and rubbing my nipples, for some reason.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I have…some kind of a barrette. A flower barrette in my hair. Or maybe just a flower. I don't know. "Goddamnit Dick, I'm not watching this stupid bullshit Titanic. Bunch of idiots." And then me, "Come on, it makes my nipples so hard."

Maddox: Yeah. And you're rubbing your nipples.

Dick: Hey, I'm not the one that drew my nipples, alright? You weirdo?

Maddox: Yeah. I guess he drew your nipples, but you're the one rubbing them while you make me watch that bullshit-ass Titanic. Which I still haven't seen! I still haven't seen a single second of that bullshit!

Dick: You're gonna watch it.

Maddox: Nope!

Dick: Really?

Maddox: I won't!

Dick: You don't even remember where we were at?

Maddox: No! Of course not. I block that shit out!

Dick: Mmmmm.

Maddox: I'm so angry every single episode!

Dick: I bet you do.

Maddox: Ugh. Anyway, Dick. Should we get to a problem?

Dick: No, I got a…okay, yeah.

Maddox: No, what do you got?

Dick: Before I get to my problem, I've got a special bit.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Sent into us by you know who.

(Voice clip: "Boisterous Coconuts?")

Dick: Old Asterios Kokkinos.

Maddox: Oh, Asterios! That's the bit! Alright, let's hear it!!

(Clip starts, with the upbeat, trumpets, horns, theme song…

"Welcome to...The Biggest Problem in history! Taking the pisstory out of history. Examining the biggest problems in history to occur this week!

(telegraph machine beeping)

April 20th, 1889 - Adolf Hitler is born...on 4/20, broooo! (Maddox laughs) That's right: the dankest day of the year also brought us history's schwaggest dude. Hitler's rise to power began when he was sent by the German army to totally narc on the German Worker's Party. (Dick and Maddox chuckle) Hitler, however, got hip to their vibe (still laughing) and began to totally pick up the virulently anti-Semitic rhetoric they were laying down. Hitler went on to pack the German beer halls like choice nugs in a bowl (they all crack up) , and within a decade, became Germany's highest dude. Thankfully, his story ends with his bunker being smoked out by the Russians, and his body getting totally cached. (Maddox and Dick crack up) Still, one wonders how our world would have been different had Hitler been more of an indica, and less of a sativa.")

Dick: Oh, that's a good question. (Maddox still laughing) Hitler's birthday. Yesterday.

Maddox: (sighs contentedly) A little too close to, uh…to the stoner glossary, the stoner lingo.

Dick: He knows too many stoner words, you're saying?

Maddox: He knows too many stoner words!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. What's going on?

Dick: Did you get them all, though?

Maddox: Yeah, of course. I read…I've read…

Dick: (interjects) Ohhh. Now you're too close.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You read what?

Maddox: I've read two full magazines of High Times from cover to cover.

Dick: (giggles) You're the only person in history who's done that, including the editor. (Maddox laughing)

(Clip starts again, telegraph beeping, then:

"April 15th, 1955 - The very first McDonalds opens, marking the very last day Americans could take a deep breath without experiencing sharp chest pains! (Maddox laughs) Founded by Czech American businessman Ray Kroc, McDonalds was built on the promise of serving food without all that annoying "food" stuff in it. (Maddox laughs again) The chain's explosive growth was matched only by our nation's explosive growth of diabetes, and today, serves hundreds of billions in 119 countries...hamburgers?"

Maddox: (laughing) He does a misdirect. I thought he was gonna say diarrhea instead of diabetes. Could have been either one.

Dick: Me too. Me too, actually.

Maddox: Yeah. Probably both.

Dick: Alright. So.

Maddox: Dick, yeah. What's your problem?

Dick: As we know, yesterday…uh, Sean, you're gonna like this one. Yesterday was 4/20. (Maddox chuckles) And we all know what that means, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeed!!!

Maddox: (laughing) (goofy voice) Yeah, man.

Dick: My problem's Reefer Madness.

Maddox: Cool.

Dick: Or, AKA: Marijuana Prohibition.

Maddox: Hmm. (stoner voice) Yeah man, uh…you know how many people are jailed because of marijuana?" Oh man, I know so many of these people. (laughing) Who…ever since junior high.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grinning)

Maddox: There was one kid in my class. I won't say his name, but this kid was a major…

Dick: Wha…make up a name.

Maddox: (laughing) I'll just say it's…

Dick: (interjects) Pot Pete? (laughing) Pothead Pete?

Maddox: I'll call him Sexy Pete. How about that?

Dick: Okay. Sexy Pete.

Maddox: So Sexy Pete…

Dick: (interjects) It makes no sense at all, but go ahead…

Maddox: Always wore cammo pants to class. Was a total weirdo. Uh…kind of a fuck up. Like, never did any of his homework. The worst grades in class.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Except for ONE time. ONE time he did his homework. He brought in the most well-researched paper I've seen in all of middle school. (Dick cracks up) It was like three pages long, and he stood up, and he recited that thing from heart, boy. He just stood up there and it was all about marijuana prohibition. (Dick laughing) Yeah. He just went on and on and on and on. I'm like "Oh, Jesus. Here it is."

Dick: They are able to dedicate an incredible amount of resources, mentally and physically, to the defense or cultivation, or celebration of weed.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Right?

Maddox: It's pretty amazing.

Dick: And I'm not one of these people.

Maddox: No.

Dick: I don't really like weed.

Maddox: Me neither. I don't smoke.

Dick: Um, well I do. Not often, though.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Uh…maybe a couple of times per year, I would say.

Maddox: Why? Like…(stammers) other than Burning Man?

Dick: Yeah, other than Burning Man. Because someone will have it, and they'll offer it to me. And that's…I mean, what are you gonna say, no? If somebody's offering you drugs.

Maddox: Yeah, you say no, turkey.

Dick: Ehh, that's rude. (Maddox laughs) C'mon.

Maddox: Yeah, I've actually literally harshed…what's the…

Dick: Harshed the buzz?

Maddox: Oh yeah, harshed people's buzzes at parties, 'cause I wouldn't smoke. I'm like, "Just fuck off! I don't care that you're doing it! Just leave me alone! I don't wanna do it."

Dick: Alright. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: What?!

Dick: Oh, I mean, it's…you're already angry about it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: People giving you free drugs. (Maddox laughs) You've found a new low for what to be angry about. Yeah, I don't…I'm not a big fan of weed. Don't smoke it. And potheads really fucking annoy me. All the time. But I still think it's a big problem.

Maddox: Why do they annoy you?

Dick: Because they zone out.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They are…and they'll say that they don't, but they smoke a little bit too much. Every toke takes a little bit of them out of their eyes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: It takes them out of life.

Dick: Yeah. It does.

Maddox: They're not present. They're just kind of…their eyes kinda glaze over. I mean, they're mellow as fuck, sure. Uh, but then that just makes me want to leave.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That makes me want to go home and do something else. Maybe just get a burger on my way home and read a book.

Dick: I agree with you. You wanna know how much it costs us to enforce weed laws every year?

Maddox: How much?

Dick: Rough estimates, 'cause they're all over the place. 20 billion. Half of that in enforcing these laws, and half of that in taxes we could be making off of the legalization of weed.

Maddox: Okay, well let's not include speculative income, yet.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: 'Cause we don't know…that's all theory.

Dick: Okay, alright. You caught me on that one. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, yeah. Let's just go with 7.7 billion a year on enforcing the marijuana laws.

Maddox: Okay. That's still a lot. That's quite a bit, yeah.

Dick: That's a lot of money. Yeah.

Maddox: So if we had simply made marijuana legalized and taxed it, that's the main argument, let's legalize it and tax it.

Dick: Well, that's an argument.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's not my main argument.

Maddox: What's your…

Dick: (interjects) My main argument is that it's a plan and it's not hurting…but I don't wanna get called a libertarian by 400 people again. (Maddox laughs) It's…it's a plant that's less dangerous than, you know, tobacco.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And we let people do that, and we should let people do that. It's way less dangerous than alcohol. I got all the dumb stats if you want 'em.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But, that's…that's my argument, is the only reason…the only reason this prohibition exists is because of racism.

Maddox: Is it?

Dick: Yeah. Like, it was started in the early 1900's. The movement to get it prohibited. To get marijuana…to make it a criminal offense. Was because Mexicans were bringing it in and toking up and having a good time. Lemme…hold on.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: So we didn't want Mexicans to have a good time. So we made marijuana illegal. That's pretty fucking spiteful. That's something I would do.

Dick: Yeah. And you know Mexicans are good at having a good time.

Maddox: Not speci…(cracks up) Okay.

Dick: Not specifically against Mexicans. I know what you're saying.

Maddox: Not specifically against Mexicans. (laughing)

Sean: That's why they all went into gardening.

Dick: Why?

Maddox: Ohhh…(laughs)

Dick: 'Cause of weed?

Sean: They could grow it at home, you know, just….

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: The Marijuana Tax Act was introduced in 1937. It required sellers to obtain a license. Blanket prohibition was not the intention. Harry Ameslinger, the Bureau of Narcotics Commissioner, testified. This was his…he testified that it had a violent effect on "degenerate races".

Maddox: What?! (incredulous)

Dick: Yeah. That was the quote.

Maddox: Woooooooow.

Dick: At the testimony.

Maddox: That's his argument.

Dick: Yeah! That's where this all started.

Maddox: Wooo, boy.

Dick: Mhmm. He specifically referred to the Mexican immigrants who entered the country seeking jobs during the Great Depression.

Maddox: Oh, the degenerate races. So, wait. How long ago was this?

Dick: That was the 1900s.

Maddox: 1900s.

Dick: Well, that was 1937.

Maddox: So marijuana wasn't always illegal though, right? Up until that point, it wasn't.

Dick: No. Nobody cared. Nobody gave a fuck before.

Maddox: So…

Dick: 'Cause it doesn't hurt anybody and it doesn't do anything. It just makes people stupid. And annoying.

Maddox: Yeah. You know, Dick…so, that's the thing I keep saying.. it pops up on all these marijuana activist circles. They have this graph that shows the number of people who died from drunk driving last year and you know, a couple thousand, whatever. Let's say it's 10,000. Don't correct me, I don't give a shit! I'm just…it's not relevant to this argument. And then they showed the number of people who died from weed and it's 0, 0, 0.

Dick: It's always 0. Yeah.

Maddox: It's always 0. But the number of conversations that have died from weed…(Sean laughs)

Dick: Is in the millions.

Maddox: Countless.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Countless.

Dick: No, I know. I know! I agree with you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I…I hate it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's…that's…that's WAY more important to me than whoever died from it. I don't care who died from it, but how did you annoy me with it?

Maddox: If…if somebody dies, that's a conversation starter, isn't it?

Dick: (laughs) Yeah. Good one. Uh…let's see. Yeah. How about this one? Continuing on with the racist theme. I've got two graphs. One says "people by race who have smoked weed", and it's roughly 60% say they've smoked weed in their lives.

Maddox: 60% of people have.

Dick: Yeah, between white and black. However, the very next graph…people arrested for weed. Black people. Four times. Four times as the whites.

Maddox: That is insane.

Dick: That's…you can't recover from that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that is a major. That is a major fuck you in the criminal justice system. I don't care what the cause of it is…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, okay. There's just cops around the ghetto more and there's more drug transactions in a tighter space to enforce, but that's hugely fucked!

Maddox: It''s super fucked. And you know what it is, Dick, too, is, um…marijuana's so prevalent. It is kind of like a poor people's drug. Everybody has it. I mean, poor and rich, sure. But more…poor people are more likely to have drugs like marijuana than say, cocaine, or heroin, or higher, more expensive stuff, right?

Dick: I don't know that that's true, because meth is very cheap.

Maddox: Oh, that's true.

Dick: Uh, according to what I looked at, everybody's got weed and everybody's doing it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like across the board. 60%...if 60% of people are doing it, it's not illegal. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's just not.

Maddox: Well, uh…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, that's, like, watching the Superbowl. We're all doing it. We all did it.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay. That's a shitty argument. Um…

Dick: Why?!!

Maddox: The Superbowl is not a good argument. But here's one…here's one…

Dick: (interjects) But the 60% part.

Maddox: Here's a similar one. Speeding. Everybody speeds.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Everybody, at some point, speeds, and yet people get so fucking high and mighty about it. They say, "Oh, well you shouldn't do it and it's there to protect us." Idiots! It's there to generate revenue.

Dick: Right!

Maddox: Let's just…let's just stop fucking lying to ourselves for 5 minutes. Look, if you're against marijuana prohibition, and by the way, if you're for marijuana prohibition…and by the way, I don't know exactly where I am on this one. For the longest time…

Dick: (interjects) Well, that's why I wanted to bring it in.

Maddox: Yeah. For the longest time, I was opposed to legalizing marijuana, because I feel like cigarettes and cigarette smoke is on the march towards illegalization because of the healthcare costs, right?

Dick: So you think cigarettes should be illegal?

Maddox: Well, I think that…I think that cigarettes…look, you wanna do it, fine. But we can't have a world where you're allowed to smoke cigarettes, and then also have a world where we have public healthcare. We're moving towards the direction of public healthcare.

Dick: Well, I agree with you on that.

Maddox: Right? If you're going to tax the system, and I have to pay for your shitty, disgusting habit, then you better pay for your own healthcare, 'cause I don't want…I don't want to be…I don't want you to burden my bills. And I feel like marijuana smoke, as much as they try to say it's safe, and this and that, blablabla, there's still…it hasn't been studied enough, and I see studies coming out all the time.

Dick: Does it need to be? It makes you stupid.

Maddox: No, it doesn't just make you stupid. There are some health risks to smoking marijuana.

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's smoke that you're inhaling into your lungs. That's cancerous. That causes cancer.

Maddox: There are carcinogens in there. Right?

Dick: Yeah. And it makes…it, like, makes kids IQs, if they're heavy users for 10 years, drops their IQ by 10 points.

Maddox: Yeah, it totally does. And it also…there's also all these weird…it's not quite as habit-forming as tobacco, but…

Dick: 9%. 9% get addicted. 30% get addicted to tobacco.

Maddox: Okay. So, that's a third of the people who smoke either tobacco or marijuana. A third of the people who smoke marijuana are getting as addicted, right?

Dick: Uh, yeah. Yep.

Maddox: I mean, look man. The health things aside. Why I'm kind of towards the middle now, about not deciding whether it should be legal or prohibited. Is because I do know some people who legitimately use marijuana for medical reasons. Uh, my friend's mom. She's in her last 50s, early 60s, something like that? She had some cataracts and she had some back surgery done and all the painkillers she took. Nothing helped. She's a pretty conservative lady, too. And she's not, like, one of these potheads. She never grew up smoking the stuff. She decided to try it just to relieve her of the pain that she was suffering from.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And it worked. It's the only thing that worked.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So I'm kind of like, okay. I can see the medical benefit for this.

Dick: How about this one? You know how many people are in jail because of marijuana?

Maddox: How many?

Dick: 700,000 people get arrested every year.

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: Arrested.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For marijuana…you know how many…that's a lot of cop activity. On a long enough timeline, some percentage of those are gonna go very wrong.

Maddox: Yeah. Of course.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: Uh…in addition to that, they're enforcing a law that everyone doesn't respect.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So if you're enforcing something that no one thinks should be enforced, judging by the fact that 60% of people do marijuana…they're gonna hate you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I'm sayin'?

Maddox: I…I was with a friend of mine who's a cop, and I was going on a ride-along a long time ago. I was on a police ride-along. You know that's where you sit with the cop and they take you on patrol with them.

Dick: Yeah, you sit on their lap and ride around town, I know. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, more or less, Dick.

Dick: I've been on a ride-along.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles) Have you…have you really? Have you been on a ride-along?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Okay. So, I went on a ride-along. And I saw…I noticed this car travelling down the road with its rear exhaust completely smoking and it looked like it was a mess, and so I pointed it out, I'm like, "Hey man, look at that." He goes, "Oh, let's check it out." So he turns around, like, pulls over this lady. It's this woman and her aunt. And she's driving and she has a baby in the backseat.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: So they're driving someplace. The engine is smoking, whatever. And…and then he decides to check her bags for whatever, and he found that inside this little cup, like a baby sippy cup?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There was a tiny little baggie of marijuana that she'd stored.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: And so, he said, "Well, I gotta arrest her." And he arrested her. And because the marijuana was in the sippy cup, she also got slammed with child endangerment.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: So she got taken to jail. And meanwhile, the aunt, who didn't speak English, had to take care of this baby in this beat-down car, who…I don't even think she had a license. So then they had to go into debt calling a cab to come pick them up and take them to whatever, their low-income housing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It is a big problem, man.

Dick: Impossible to escape now.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Impossible. 'Cause you've got a child endangering drug charge on your record.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For having a little baggie of weed. You're done. You're done, and the rest of your family tree is screwed, causing more crime, blablablablabla.

Maddox: And…and, when you put this woman in jail, she's not gonna be able to pay the fines and fees and penalties.

Dick: No. Guess who is?

Maddox: So it's gonna…yeah. The taxpayers.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Doesn't California just give you tickets now? Unless it's over a certain amount? I think they relaxed that stuff.

Dick: Yeah, I think it is decriminalized here.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You get a ticket.

Sean: Yeah it's kind of…yeah, it's kind of ignored. I know it's like a possession ticket or something.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But, um…unless you're…unless it's over a certain amount, in which case you're probably still in big trouble.

Maddox: You know, I have a lot of friends who smoke a lot of pot, and just by being around them, I have a ton of pot clothes and accessories. I don't even know…'cause I never smoke, but I have two or three pairs of pot socks. Actually, to be fair, I bought those. (giggles)

Dick: Pretty cool.

Maddox: Because I thought they were maple leaves, like Canadian maple leaves.

Dick: Yeah. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Green maple leaves? (Maddox laughs) Like maybe they glow in the dark?

Maddox: I thought they were cool. I got 'em in a skater shop and I'm like "Oh, those are…"

Sean: Big syrup supporter over here.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (laughing) I was like, "I like Canada. That's cool." (laughing)

Dick: Oh, let's see. How many people are in jail because of weed? It's not free to send people to jail.

Maddox: 700,000 people, you said. Oh no, that's how many were arrested.

Dick: No, that's arrested. I think…'cause we have a…I forgot the total prison population. It's like 2 million people in the US are in prison? It's one in every hundred people in the US. It's roughly one in every hundred and ten people is in jail. In this country.

Maddox: Yeah. It's more. It's like 10% of the population or something, right? No.

Dick: No, no, no. That's like 1.

Maddox: 1%?

Dick: 1%. 250 million adults. So let's just say 2.5 million people.

Maddox: It's a lot.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's more than…it's more than the number of people arrested in China, I believe. And that's REALLY saying something, considering they're the most populous nation.

Dick: Yeah. So, uh…guess what all of them are in there for?

Maddox: Weed.

Dick: Half of them are for drugs. And marijuana makes up 27% of that. So 13% of people in our jails are there because of weed.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: 30,000 people?

Maddox: Well, Dick. You talked me into it. I think I'll…I'll give you an upvote!

Dick: It's more than anything else. That's more than immigration. That's more than sex offenses.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's more than drawing cocks on people's cars.

Maddox: You know what happens when you smoke pot, Dick, is you get the munchies. And when you get the munchies, you overeat. You eat too much, you get fat! (yelling) Go vote up obesity, people!

Dick: Oh, there you go. (grins) (Maddox laughs) You wanna hear about the positives?

Maddox: The positives of marijuana?

Dick: Yeah. It makes you a safer driver. It makes driving safer.

Maddox: Is that true? Is it because their reactions are slower?

Dick: Uh…it's hard to say. I have an alternative theory. States that have legalized the drug have reported 8% to 11% fewer accidents. I think it's because people who were getting shitfaced are now smoking weed.

Maddox: Oh, I see what you're saying. I think it may be because they lose the motivation to leave the house.

Dick: That could be too.

Maddox: Or wherever they are. (grins)

Dick: That could be too. Good.

Maddox: They just…they smoke and they just sit around on their fat asses.

Dick: Good. Uh, veterans are using it against their PTSD. But then we don't get things like Rambo. I don't know if that's a positive.

Maddox: Yeeeeeeeah, man! With pot around, Rambo wouldn't have existed.

Dick: Yeah. Uh…suicide. Suicide drops dramatically.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 5% drop in suicide rates. And real jobs. People get real jobs.

Maddox: Wow. (giggles)

Dick: Growing legal…legal weed.

Maddox: I don't…yeah. (scoffs)

Dick: What, it's a crop!!!

Maddox: Yeah, it is…it is a crop.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Well, Dick, is that all you got?

Dick: Yeah, I guess so.

Maddox: Hey, you know what they do in jail, Dick.

Dick: What?

Maddox: They read a lot.

Dick: They do! (Maddox chuckles) Thanks for reminding me that this episode is brought to you by Audible!! Please visit for your free audio book download. Maddox, you know about Audible?

Maddox: No, tell me.

Dick: They've updated their copy. I've got an updated copy in front of me. They've got 180,000 audio programs from leading audio book publishers now. It used to be 150. I don't know if you remember that.

Maddox: They added 30,000 titles since they advertised on our show. WE are responsible for that. You're welcome, Audible.

Dick: That's right. (grins) You can listen to 'em just like you're listening to this podcast right now. Um, you get a free…lemme find it. You sign up with our code, you get a…you get a free book. (Sean and Dick crack up) Books like…books like "Steve Jobs - The Autobiography". You wanna listen to that?

Maddox: In his voice? Absolutely. (grins)

Dick: No. It's a zombie.

Maddox: Dammit. The one person who you could get to read a book without his consent. (laughs)

Dick: Icon. Steve Jobs, the Greatest Second Act in the History of Business.

Maddox: Oh, great. Did you bring that in, Dick?

Dick: Yeah, I did. I thought you might like that one.

Maddox: Awesome. Oh yeah, I'll be sure to read that one.

Dick: Okay, how about "Why is the Penis Shaped Like That?" by Jesse Bering.

Maddox: That's a real book?

Dick: That's a real book.

Maddox: Oh man, that's…

Dick: (interjects) You wanna download that?!

Maddox: Yeah, I kinda do, actually.

Dick: Alright. Alright, alright, alright, alright.

Maddox: Alright Dick, is that all you got?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Go to for your free audio book download. Wait a minute. You wanna hear something from Asterios before we go on?

Maddox: Oh yeah! Let's hear Boisterous Coconuts.

Dick: Alright. Here we go.

(Sound clip starts, telegraph machine beeping

"April 14th, 2003 -- The Human Genome Project is completed with 99.99% of the human genome sequenced... totally spoiling the end of the movie of our lives. Helloooo! Some of us wanted to be surprised by life. We were told the future was unknown, ours to create, filled with possibility. Thanks for ruining the plot, gene mapping. (Maddox chuckles) Maybe we didn't want to know if we'd end up with grey hair, cancer, or our father's inability to meaningfully connect. (Dick and Maddox crack up) And plus, how are we supposed to now blame everything wrong with our lives on our parents, if they're just computer robots too?! Thanks a lot, Human Genome Project. Thanks for nothing!")

Dick: He doesn't like…(Maddox laughs) Never met anyone who didn't like the Human Genome Project.

Maddox: Was he being sarcastic? (cracks up)

Dick: I have no…I have no way to tell with that guy.

Maddox: Sounds like the plot of the movie Gattaca.

(Sound clip starts again, telegraph machine beeping.

"April 15th, 1850 -- The city of San Francisco is incorporated, finally giving the homeless a place to pee!"

Maddox: Yep! (laughs)

"During the gold rush of 1848, the population of San Francisco (Maddox still laughing) exploded from one to twenty five thousand. 24,000 of them completely insane homeless men named Zeph who refuse to stop staring at your girlfriends or wives. (Maddox and Dick laugh) And the gold rush mentality proudly lives on today, as San Francisco is one of America's most expensive places to get pissed on by a crazy person.")

Dick: Oh. Didn't know that. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. It's the most expensive place to be homeless and crazy. Um, that reminds me of one time I was at a coffee shop. I was going there with a girl I was dating at the time. And this dude comes up…

Dick: (interjects) How big were her cans?

Maddox: Uhh…lemme think. Like a good caracara orange.

Dick: I don't know what a caracara orange is.

Maddox: It's basically a navel orange. A little bit smaller.

Dick: Oh, okay. Alright. Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Um, so (giggles) we're walking on…

Dick: (interjects) Please continue. (laughs)

Maddox: (laughing) We're walking and this homeless guy comes up to me and goes, "Hey man, I'm not gonna touch your lady. I was just wondering if I could get a dollar." Like…(laughing) alright. Well, now. Sure!

Dick: I was dating this girl with HUGE cans.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Double…Double D, we're talking.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And we were waiting in line for a movie over in Pasadena. This homeless dude's kinda ambling around. He, like, walks up to try to talk to us again? And she drops a bunch of change in his cup.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Dick: And he's like, "Uhhh…that was my coffee."

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh!! (laughing)

Dick: So I just…I gave him some money. Like, get the fuck outta here.

Maddox: Was this homeless guy wearing a suit? (laughing) Just sitting there, like, reading the New York Times?

Dick: I don't know. I was just looking at her cans the whole time.

Maddox: Great. Alright, Dick. Let's get to a real problem this week, huh? Wage Gap Truthers!!!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Yeeeeeeeeeeaaah!!

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Dick…(sighs) I…I've been working like a madman on my latest post and video that I just posted.

Dick: Oh, cool.

Maddox: Yeah. It's about this very issue. I tried to…I tried to finish it in time for last Tuesday, because last Tuesday was International Wage Equality Day.

Dick: I know, I was talking shit on Twitter all day about that.

Maddox: Oh, really? (grins) Okay.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: See, I wouldn't have known, because I blocked Twitter and Facebook to get work done, because Twitter and Facebook suck. Um…

Dick: So what's the deal? What's their gripe? Why do they need a day?

Maddox: Well, first. For people who don't know, the International Wage Gape Day is supposedly the amount of days that a woman has to work just to earn the same salary as a man. Because…

Dick: Zero.

Maddox: (laughing) Yes.

Dick: Don't they just take half of it? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: There you go, Dick. (Dick guffaws) No, because women say that…a lot of women's rights groups.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Women's advocacy groups say that they make only 77 cents to every dollar a man makes.

Dick: Ugh! (groans)

Maddox: 77 cents. So, Dick. A long time ago, I came across this statistic because I was writing my book, The Alphabet of Manliness.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I was looking…I was looking to write a joke about the wage gap. Something along the lines of, you know, God was gonna punish Eve for eating the apple, and to punish her entire gender, he says, "Okay, now you have to make blank percentage for every dollar a man makes."

Dick: (interjects) I don't think that's a very good joke.

Maddox: So, I decided….Dick…in context, it's great! (annoyed)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Why don't you make up a better joke, dickhead?!

Dick: Uh…alright. Lemme think. Hold on. 75%...(grins) Nah, you got me. That is…

(Sound effect: 'ba-dum ching' cymbal)

Dick: That's a better joke. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Anyway. Yeah. That actually…that section of the book, someone actually did a play on it. They…they actually brought it to their college and they took the script and they made a play out of it.

Dick: On your book!?

Maddox: Yeah, on my book, yeah!

Dick: Oh wow, that's cool!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. It was really cool. Um, that specific section. So that 75 cents to the dollar, Dick. I looked it up and I thought, "Well, I'd better get this number right. I might as well, I'm writing a book and I'm an author. I might as well get my facts right, right?"

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So I looked it up and I couldn't quite find the source of it.

Dick: Of course not.

Maddox: There were lots of different sources. When I looked it up, it was 70% one year, and it was 72%, and then it was 75%, and 77 and 82 and 64. It was all over the fucking place!

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I couldn't even find the same number from within the same year from the same source! Different sources said different things. And then I thought, "Well, this is really strange, because it's something that's so engrained in our society." Right? You say, "Well, women don't have equality when it comes to wages." Which always pissed me off, Dick. Because I'm…I'm an egalitarian.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And I think most…most reasonable people are. And so when I heard that, that really upset me. I thought, "Well, that's fucking bullshit. If a woman's working equal work, then she should get equal pay."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? Very simple.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: So I started doing research. That's what started me down this path of research. Six…that was in 2006. What's that, eight? Eight years ago, right? So that was, umm…that was a long time ago, and I find…all of that research and everything finally culminated this last week when I finished this article.

Dick: Today?!!?

Maddox: Today. (laughs)

Dick: Oh, wow!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's exciting!!! (excited)

Maddox: Yep. I brought it in.

Dick: It's a real life work. (grins)

Maddox: Here we are.

Dick: Here we are, with 15 minutes to go over 8 years of work!!! (Maddox laughing) I can't wait!

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: Hey, in your research, did you uncover the number of men who've got raises because their boss wants to bang them?

Maddox: Uh…no. But I do know…

Dick: Is there a day for that?

Maddox: (laughs) I do know personally some guys who have climbed the corporate ladder by banging their bosses.

Dick: Uh-huh. Really? (incredulous) Were the bosses chicks?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I've had opportunities myself, Dick, that I have turned down.

Dick: I don't believe that.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) Fuck you! Why…why don't you believe me?

Dick: What do you mean? Well, I don't know, 'cause you only had that one job to go…like, how…(stammers) what happened?

Maddox: Yeah. No. There have been other opportunities, my friend. Um…

Dick: Well, what?! What were they?

Maddox: I…I'm not gonna disclose it, man. The bottom line is this. I had opportunities and I passed on them.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Alright?

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So, uh…it does happen. It does happen. It's less frequent. It's less common. However, Dick. There is a smoking gun argument that I have. Which basically shuts everyone down when you bring up the wage gap. 'Cause they say there's 77 cents to the dollar. That's a bullshit statistic, because it doesn't control for the number of hours worked, if a guy works the same amount of hours as a girl. The type of job that he works.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A female chemical engineer is gonna make the same as a male chemical engineer if they have the same experience level, education, tenure, region of the country, marital status, whether or not they have kids, whether or not they have to take time off for kids, not only for themselves if they get sick, but also for their kids if they get sick. To take time off to go to their children's functions at school and things like that. Um, if you control for all of those variables?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know that they found…the Department of Labor did this study, they commissioned a study and they found that the wage gap shrinks to anywhere from 93 to 95%.

Dick: You know what they probably left out? Celebrity news sites. That's that last 5%.

Maddox: What do you mean?

Dick: Women on their phones all day at work being on celebrity news sites.

Maddox: Okay. Dick, I try to bring it…

Dick: Playing Candy Crush. (grins)

Maddox: (giggles) I try to bring in a well…

Dick: (interjects) And thinking about puppies. Did they have that in there?

Maddox: Argument…great, Dick. I bring in this well-thought-out, great argument. Cogent argument.

Dick: Go ahead!!! (cracks up)

Maddox: You shit all over it with your sexist bullshit! (Dick guffaws) Yeah, no, Dick. I don't think they controlled for Candy Crush Saga.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: (laughing) So there's this group, Dick. The group is called the American Associated of University Women. The AAUW. This is an advocacy group, right?

Dick: The aaaaaooo?

Maddox: Aaaaaaaaooooo.

Dick: Great. Great letters, ladies.

Maddox: Yeah. So they're the…they're one of the big ones who are really pushing this 77% number.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If you Google the wage gap by gender or wage disparity by gender, one of the first links that come up, I think in the top two. Is their website. And they're really pushing this 77% number. They have numerous studies that they release year after year after year based on the same data. They change it a little bit here and there. But they release the study as a looooooong, 64+ page document, and then they release an executive summary, which doesn't really talk about the numbers. They just say 77%, blablablabla. And they don't really talk about the methodology or the data.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I pulled up the 64-page document. The really long one, right?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I thought, "Well, they can't deny that if you control for all these variables, the wage gap is gonna disappear. They can't deny that." Well, it turns out, they don't. They actually admit it.

Dick: Oh, really?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: In this…in this document, they admitted that when you control for all these variables, the wage gap is 93%. They went with the lower figure. They went with 93 instead of 95.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: But they still had to admit that it's 93% when you control for these variables inside this women's advocacy group study. Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: However. In a 64-page document, they only mention it ONE time. In ONE sentence. Buried deep, deep, deep in the document, near the end. Near the bottom.

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah.

Maddox: And with one chart. That's it. That's the only time they mention it. And then they tried to say, "Well, but it's still a problem. Why is there a 7%?" Why…so there's a 7%...

Dick: (interjects) Because you're lying. That's why it's 77%. 'Cause you're just fucking lying.

Maddox: They're…it's misleading.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Um, I mean it's true, if you just look at all jobs across the board, of all men work versus all women work, but that doesn't control for any number of factors.

Dick: It's true in the way that you're not saying it. Like, it's true in the way that you're not implying.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah, exactly.

Dick: So, good work. Thanks for helping us all out.

Maddox: So, Dick. This 93% number that they came to. They said, "Well, that's true. It's 93% when you control for all these variables. But that still doesn't explain one-third of the disparity." And when you hear that number, that one third number, you think to yourself: Oh, well that sounds like there's still a 33% gap, right?

Dick: Right. But it's not.

Maddox: They're not talking about that.

Dick: No.

Maddox: They're talking about one third of the 23%.

Dick: Yeah. Yep.

Maddox: Which is 7%. That's a real shitty way of saying 7%. I sound like I'm just, like, parroting my script, but this is just coming right from my head. I'm not reading this anywhere. (excited, angry) Uh, seriously. That's 7%. They're trying SO hard to make it sound bigger and make it sound badder, and make it sound like they're more of a victim than they actually are because they have an agenda. You know what their agenda is, Dick?

Dick: Money! Making money.

Maddox: It is money. It is money, yeah.

Dick: 'Cause they're all fucking liars. Anybody coming up with stats is doing this.

Maddox: No. Not always, Dick. Some people…see, you're such a cynic! You're such a cynic. Now listen to this.

Dick: It's…it's pictures of kittens and puppies that explains that 7%. I promise you that's true.

Maddox: No. Their study, even in this women's study? This AAUW report.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They said that some of the…they had to admit. They said that some of the disparity can be explained because women simply don't ask for raises.

Dick: Of course not.

Maddox: Why of course not?

Dick: Well, first of all, 'cause they don't value themselves as highly as men do.

Maddox: Okay, I regret asking you.

Dick: (interjects) No, no, no! Wait! That's a study. What are you talking about?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They don't…when self-reporting their value to a company, they report low.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: They always do. I brought that in…I brought that in in the Ask For a Raise bonus episode.

Maddox: Uh, yeah. You may have mentioned that. I think…are you referring to the phenomenon that's called, uh…Imposter Syndrome? Because that's what Jessica Williams was accused of. I brought that in, like, three or four episodes ago. Jessica Williams is the black…

Dick: (interjects) I brought it in before that.

Maddox: I know you did. But…is that the name of the study you're referring to? The phenomenon?

Dick: I…I don't know. I just looked at the numbers. It was the percentage of women who say that they deserve more money. And it was just less across the board.

Maddox: Right. Just to refresh everyone's memory, that Imposter Syndrome is what Jessica Williams, the anchor on the Daily Show was accused of. Which is a phenomenon where people think that they are not worthy of the success that they have achieved.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So sometimes people say, "Well women have this." They, for some reason, because society's beat them down and hammered them down so much. Um…but, Dick. Back to this point I wanna…I wanna make this point real quick. With the AAUW. Here's their agenda, right? They have this legal fund, it's the Legal Antidiscrimination Fund, whatever. Um, but they only take up certain types of cases with certain criteria. And one of their criteria, if they wanna take your case? If you have a sexual discrimination case and they wanna fight it for you?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: One of their requirements is that you allow the AAUW to publicize support for these cases internally and externally, including the media, on their website, and in electronic and print communications.

Dick: That makes sense. They wanna use you as a spokesperson.

Maddox: Yeah. They wanna use you. They wanna use you. So, say you've had a traumatic sexual assault at your work.

Dick: Say that I did?

Maddox: No, I mean as a woman.

Dick: What did I…oh.

Maddox: Say if you did and you were victimized.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Don't threaten him with a good time.

Dick: Yeah, I was gonna say, lemme get my erotic story music out. (grins)

Maddox: Great. Um, if you have been sexually assaulted and you want to bring this person to justice. They will not take up your case unless you agree that they can use you and publicize you, and publicize this case to get more funding.

Dick: Yeah, but that's what they do.

Maddox: Well, that doesn't make it right.

Dick: That's fine. Eeeeeh, right. They're providing you legal counsel for free, aren't they?

Maddox: Allllllright, Dick. (annoyed)

Dick: Aren't they?

Maddox: No. No.

Dick: So you have to pay them and…

Maddox: (interjects) You don't have to pay them. No. You don't have to pay them. It's not entirely free. They cover the majority of the expenses for the legal fund. But not your personal travel and things like that.

Dick: I'm not really upset by that. I don't see how that's wrong. Go get another lawyer, then.

Maddox: Yeah, well, uh…

Dick: So you don't get hoodwinked by these…

Maddox: Well, but they…let's not pretend that this is altruism. They're not trying to do anything good here for women if they're just only…if they're gonna take up your case, but they say, "Well, you know what? We wanna help you, but also we wanna help ourselves."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Well, which is it? And also, it's…the most egregious form of self interest when you are further potentially victimizing someone who's experienced sexual assault. If you've had…I'm sure you've known somebody who, at the workplace, has experienced sexual discrimination, or at least sexual assault in some form. I do. I've known girls who've had their asses groped by their bosses, and finally, when they spoke up about it, their bosses tried to fire them or intimidate them. It's a real shitty thing. So, if you go to the AAUW and you say, "Hey, I'd like to bring suit against my boss." And they say, "Well, not unless we can publicize this and splash your name all over the media." You might say "No, fuck off. I wanna keep my private life private. I wanna grieve and deal with my trauma in my own way. Or maybe they're okay with it. But regardless, they shouldn't be forced. They shouldn't have their hand forced by this organization.

Dick: Well, they're not forced. They can go anywhere they want. I mean, I get that, like, you don't like hypocrisy, but they could just go to another lawyer if they want. If they don't want that.

Maddox: Yeah, but that's not the point, Dick. The point is they're not doing it out of altruism.

Dick: Oh, these women.

Maddox: The AAUW isn't.

Dick: Oh, yeah, of course not! (scoffs)

Maddox: No. They…they don't really care. I mean, they might…

Dick: (interjects) They don't even care about…they don't even care that they're perpetrating a ridiculous lie on the entire population! (yells) That they're perpetuating this divisive statistic that is…that means absolutely nothing at best and is a blatant lie at worst! They don't even care about that! Like, they don't care that they're directly harming everyone!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That…'cause that number? That number only breeds contempt and jealousy, and…like, how many women believe that?

Maddox: A lot.

Dick: All…fucking every woman I've talked to will throw it in!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, even if they don't mention it, they believe it somewhere, because if you hear it from everybody, it's IMPOSSIBLE not to! (yells)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like people who say your hair and your fingernails grow after you're dead. It doesn't! They don't.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But everybody believes it, 'cause they hear it from everybody. It's a hopeless cause to try to convince them otherwise! It's fucking hopeless!

Maddox: Um, I don't think it's hopeless. I think that we just have to take our time. It's gonna take a long time to do it, but we have to slowly…it's kinda like lemmings jumping off of cliffs, or George Washington's false teeth being wooden, or whatever. All those urban legends? Slowly, over time, little by little, uh…people can be enlightened to it. Especially, I believe the website Snopes is really helpful. And there's another website, Dick, called PolitiFact. Have you heard of PolitiFact?

Dick: I have, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. PolitiFact is actually really good. It's a nonpartisan website, which is what I like about it. They will call out the bullshit of all politicians, not just conservatives, but liberals as well.

Dick: Well…alright.

Maddox: No, they do.

Sean: No, there's a few of those. I think it's, like

Maddox: is another one, I believe.

Sean: Yeah. PolitiFact. There's a few of them that…

Maddox: (interjects) That are nonpartisan.

Sean: Yeah, pretty much.

Maddox: Yeah. They just wanna get down to the bottom of it, which I really appreciate., however. Um, so when Obama, during his State of the Union address in 2014?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: He came out and he said there was a 77% figure, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The 77 cents to the dollar. Uh, came out and they said, "Hey, that's mostly false." And they explained how that number's misleading.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yes. It's specifically in the way…and then another politician came out and made those same claims? And they called him out on it, too. They said, "Those are mostly false." Those are really misleading numbers you guys are saying.

Dick: They're very misleading.

Maddox: Yeah. They're really misleading numbers. So, uh…they're doing a good job, I believe. So, Dick. You know what's interesting, though? Is that in spite of this staunchly held belief by women and men, most of society, really.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: That women are paid less than men. Despite that, women overwhelmingly have a higher job satisfaction rating than men do.

Dick: Yeah, that's part of the ask for a raise problem.

Maddox: What do you mean?

Dick: 'Cause they don't ask for a raise 'cause they're more satisfied with their jobs, also.

Maddox: Could be.

Dick: I'm saying that's another reason why.

Maddox: Could be. So I looked into why, and the prevailing theory by a lot of feminist authors and feminist academia…

Dick: Oh, great.

Maddox: Is…yeah. (laughs) Is that women have been so browbeat and conditioned by society to think that they're worthless.

Dick: Oh, man. (laughing)

Maddox: That they don't even ask for a raise because they're so victimized. They're so weak! They're so…they don't even want to! They don't even wanna try. However, they're still somehow happier at their jobs, right?

Dick: What…what…what can you talk women into doing? Like, this is a real question. Can you try to talk a woman into doing something she doesn't wanna do?

Maddox: Well…

Dick: I mean, honestly. That's like most of my life, is trying to talk a woman into doing something that she doesn't…(Maddox laughs) And I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about ANYTHING.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, (stammers) so what? We all banded together and brainwashed these women into thinking that they're thrilled to be at work?

Maddox: That's…

Dick: (interjects) That's what they're posing?

Maddox: That's the argument. Which, by the way, makes women sound weak.

Dick: Oh, how about…

Maddox: (interjects) Don't you see how insulting and condescending that is to say that women are so suggestible that you can tell…you can feed them shit and tell them that it's a steak, and they'll be like, "Oh, mmm, steak!" Right?

Dick: Yeah. How about…how about, "Hey, sweetheart, stop worshipping Disneyland." Spend your whole life. You're never gonna get that message through.

Maddox: Dick, what the fuck are you talking about?

Dick: (laughs) You can't talk them out of or into anything.

Maddox: Oooooookay, Dick. I don't…I don't agree with that.

Dick: What do you mean? What do you mean?

Maddox: What? You can't rationalize with them? Is that what you're saying?

Dick: No, the opposite.

Sean: I like how he takes you on the ride and then kicks you out of a moving car.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah. (Maddox and Sean laugh) I totally agree with you. So…so what? So we can convince women that they're thrilled to be at work, but we can't talk them out of doing annoying this that I hate.

Maddox: Oh, I see what you're saying. You're saying that that…that you don't believe that's what women have been conditioned into believing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. I see what you mean.

Dick: I think they're, you know, like real…like, people.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: That have, like, motivations internally. And…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, I misinterpreted what you said. Yeah. Okay. That's…

Dick: Yeah. That's what…that's my life, man. People just misinterpreting everything I'm saying. (Maddox laughs) They think I'm a bad guy, but here I am, just trying to agree.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) Thanks, Dick. (Dick guffaws) Wow, good guy Dick Masterson. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Yeah, man. Um…so, I looked into the statistic, and that's the main reason that people say. Which there's no evidence for. Here's my theory. My personal theory. And I'm not saying that this is substantiated by any evidence or facts or research, or whatever.

Dick: Oooooh, I like it. Alright.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles) This is my own personal theory.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Um…when they control for job type, women, uh…women make largely the same as men, but when you're not controlling for job type, well suddenly that disparity reappears, right? Because then you're comparing people who…who might be working at McDonald's versus people who are, I dunno, petroleum engineers, or somebody who works at…

Dick: Or CEOs.

Maddox: Yeah. Or CEOs. Or somebody who works as a crab fisherman, who's way more likely to be a guy. With a much higher…

Dick: So, wait a minute. If I have a crab boat, I can just hire all women at 77% of the salary?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or if I run, like, a sanitation service, I can just hire all garbagewomen?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Holy shit! I'll run everybody outta town!

Maddox: Just hire 'em! Yeah.

Dick: I should do that!

Maddox: Because you'll save 23% on wages. Do you know how insane that figure is? To say that companies could be saving, TODAY, RIGHT FUCKING NOW…

Dick: Yeah. It's crazy.

Maddox: TWENTY-THREE PERCENT on their wages. (angry) And they're not tripping over themselves to hire women to fill these jobs?

Dick: That's the first thing they would do.

Maddox: That's the first thing they would do.

Dick: They'd do anything to save money.

Maddox: They're breaking laws by hiring illegal immigrants left and right!

Dick: (laughing) Yeah!

Maddox: They're trying every chance they can get, but illegal immigrants they know they can bully, because if they speak up, they'll kick 'em out of the country! They know they can't pull that shit with women! (Dick guffaws) If they could simply hire women and pay them less, they fucking would!!! You would see women accounting for the overwhelming majority of the workforce! And you just don't see that.

Dick: Yeah. You…they'd hire employees who don't speak English. That's all women do. Speaking all the time! (Maddox laughs) That would be the workplace!

Maddox: Good job, Dick. (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Dick: We look like…we'd look like the Serengeti.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It would just be the men…the male lions doing nothing all day and the women just working their asses off for 77%.

Maddox: For 77%. You know, Dick. So, that wage disparity and the job satisfaction. There's so many studies about this. The job satisfaction paradox.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: That's actually a thing. It's a phenomenon that's known and there's so many studies that have looked at this. It's called a jo…wage…here, I got the actual name of it.

Dick: I wonder what that is. I wonder what that's all about.

Maddox: I…I…I'll tell you what my theory is.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: In just a second. It's called the "Gender Job Satisfaction Paradox". And my theory is, Dick, that the jobs that pay more are more dangerous. You are responsible for more. They're more stressful. You work longer hours. You work overtime. And you work extra time. So those jobs pay more. But they are miserable people who are working those jobs a lot of times. Like, I used to work at one of those jobs when I worked for the telemarketing company.

Dick: Here we go.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Can we put this square on the Bingo game? (grins)

Maddox: F…fuck you, Dick. (chuckles)

Dick: Something about the telemarketing company. (grins)

Sean: You know what? I just found out that you weren't actually on the phones. That's how I always pictured you.

Maddox: No, I started out on the phones, Sean. (Dick guffaws)

Sean: Oh, you did.

Maddox: I did, yeah.

Dick: How long did that…how many calls did that last? (cracks up)

Sean: About a day and a half, right? (grins)

Maddox: (chuckles) No, I was on the phones for about a year.

Sean: Oh my God, really?

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: Yeah. I was there for a long time. And that's…the reason I got my IT job and I got my foothold in the IT Department and then worked my way up into Programming and became their Research and Development programmer is because I was so bored on the phones, I would memorize the script and then sit there with my eyes shut, and they couldn't tell if I was asleep, which half the time I was. They couldn't tell if I was asleep or if I was on a call and just reading the script with my eyes shut, because I memorized everything, including the rebuttals, including the…the codes.

Dick: Oh, my God.

Maddox: And I would get so bored that I would sit there and hack the computers and break into their Unix system. And I would fool around with the little scripts and, like, write little payroll things, and I would shut down my computer when I didn't wanna work, and I'd turn of…you know, I'd disable calls, and just fuck around with the computers.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Finally they said, "Hey man, you should probably work in IT. You know what you're doing." (grins) And that's how I got that job. But, uh…when I was at that job, Dick…wait, what we…what was the…

Dick: You were talking about how I was right that Reefer Madness is a huge problem.

Maddox: Diiiiiiiick! (Sean laughs)

Dick: No, you were talking about women working jobs that are not as, like, stressful and miserable.

Maddox: Yeah. This job was really stressful. When I became a programmer, it was a really stressful job, because I would work around 60 to 80 hours per week, and I hated it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I hated my li…I hated life. I gained weight during that time. That was another big period of gain…

Dick: Oh, boy. Here we go. (giggles)

Maddox: Of weight gain in my life. Yeah. It was a shitty job, Dick. I would sit there working in just a smelly, little office with a bunch of IT people. You know, like, computer nerds.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it…it sucked. I worked on Thanksgiving. I remember having to go in. I remember being on my vacation travelling abroad and having to log in through my phone in a WiFi…in an Internet café to take care of some fire that came up. It was a shitty job. Um…yeah. It paid well. But I was stressed out. So somebody who has a stressful job is obviously gonna have lower job satisfaction than somebody who has a job that's not as stressful, but they're also not making as much.

Dick: Well, I hear what you're saying. Maybe that's true. I'm gonna pose another alternative theory. Uh…men like being miserable. (Maddox scoffs) Don't we?

Maddox: Well…

Dick: We get here every week and bitch about how miserable we are…(Maddox laughs) You know what I mean? (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I dunno if women do that. Like, if a guy with a survey came up to me and said, "Hey, Dick, how do you report your job satisfaction?" I'm gonna go, "Well, what'd the last guy say?" And he says, "Well, it's like a living hell." And I'll say, "Well, mine's like two living hells." (Maddox laughs) "Put that down."

Maddox: Yeah. Is that the male version, of what, just gossip, I guess?

Dick: It's like being a martyr.

Maddox: We just like to be miserable.

Dick: We just do. We get together and commiserate over how miserable life is. 'Cause it is.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. Nice theory. That's my problem. (giggles) The wage…wage gap truthers.

Dick: That's pretty funny.

Maddox: Thanks. What's your…what's your last problem, Dick?

Dick: My last…aw, shit. We're running outta time, man. Let's hear…let's hear some more…

Maddox: Yeah, alright.

Dick: I got time for it. It's a quick problem. Let's hear some more Asterios…Asterios Kokkinos and his Biggest Problem in History. The biggest things that went wrong this week and last week, because he got it in late. (Maddox cracks up)

(Clip starts, telegraph machine beeping:

"April 18th, 1923 -- Yankee Stadium is opened, finally giving new yorkers a place to yell around a lot and be rude! (Maddox laughs) Before Yankee Stadium, New Yorkers simply had no place where they could rant, complain (Maddox and Dick crack up), raise their voices, shout unsolicited advice, make a mess while eating, get way too drunk, (still both laughing) turn minor differences of opinion into brutal fistfights…"

Maddox: Fucking New Yorkers. (grins)

"…presumptuously act like you're a member of their family, (Dick laughs) make sure that you know that they know what's going on, or call people they'd just met "my friend." The notoriously repressed and humble folk of New York City finally had a forum -- thanks, Yankee Stadium!")

(Maddox laughs)

Dick: You ever been to Yankee Stadium?

Maddox: Uh, no. Just in passing.

Dick: I never have either. Sean? You been to Yankee Stadium?

Sean: Well, no. The original is torn down.

Dick: Oh, I didn't know that.

Sean: There's a new one, though.

Maddox: Well, Sean, the raincloud of fun! (Dick laughs)

Sean: It's across the street.

Dick: Sean's the raincloud of fun?!!? (Maddox laughs) Oh, sorry, Starlord.

Maddox: Fuck!! Fuck you!!!! Fuck Guardians of the Galaxy!!!

Dick: That title's taken. (grins)

Maddox: No!!!

Dick: Alright. Here's…here's the last one. I'll play it. Asterios. (Maddox chuckles)

(Clip starts again, telegraph machine beeping.

"April 15th, 1912 - The RMS Titanic sinks in the North Atlantic Sea…"

Dick: Ohooooo!!! (Maddox laughs)

"… leading to the greatest disaster of the 20th century..."

Maddox: Good.

"…the movie Titanic."

Dick: Awwwwwww.

Maddox: Yeah!

"…The mighty vessel took two hours and forty minutes to sink. That's right -- it took the Titanic less time to sink than it takes to watch Titanic! (Maddox and Dick laugh) Hopefully, I've talked long enough so that Dick can surprise Maddox with a Titanic clip -- now, Dick, show him the clip!!"

Maddox: Oh…better not!!

Dick: No, I can't. (cracks up)

"…Hah hah, yes! Look at his face! (Dick and Maddox crack up)

He looks like a bottle of hot sauce!! (They laugh again)

He's got that bulging vein thing going!!

Oho, my God, is he going to die?")

Dick: You can imagine, though. (Maddox laughing) I think that's it…

Maddox: Is he gonna chime in anymore? During this….

(Clip: Asterios: "Great joke, Dick!!") (They all crack up)

Dick: I'm gonna play that along with every clip from now on.

Maddox: Good! Then I'll just fucking leave. I'll go get a burger. You can fuck off in here.

Dick: Hey, I don't like watching it, either!

Maddox: Oh, you said you liked it! You said you like love stories and this and that!

Dick: I like rubbing it in your face.

Maddox: Awwwwww.

Dick: Doesn't mean I like watching the movie.

(Clip: Asterios: "That's all for now! (Sean and Dick crack up) This is Asterios Kokkinos saying. "The past can go a-fuck itself!!!!")

Maddox: That's one of the best ones yet, I think. (laughing)

Dick: Yeah. I love that guy. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Oh, man. That pisses me off. I'm really angry now.

Dick: 'Cause of the Titanic?

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause of everything. Although, I'm happy that the Titanic sunk. So, there's that.

Dick: Well, you should smoke some weed, man. That oughta mellow you out.

Maddox: Wait. I will not smoke weed. I also changed my mind. I changed my mind. I am actually not happy the Titanic sunk, 'cause had it NOT sunk, maybe I wouldn't have to sit through that horrible bit that you do when your problems come in with more votes.

Dick: Guess we'll never know.

Maddox: (scoffs) I guess. Time machines as a solution.

Dick: Do we have time for, uh…do we have time for…oh, yeah, you would go back in time and prevent the Titanic from sinking.

Maddox: Yeah! (laughs)

Dick: So you wouldn't have to watch that bit anymore. (Maddox cackles)

Maddox: Talk about…talk about false altruism! There's some fucking false altruism for you!! I'm not doing it for you guys. I don't give a shit if you guys die! I just don't want to have to watch a movie a century later!!! (laughs)

Dick: It's all fake, man.

Maddox: (laughing) Oh. Oh, are you a truther?

Dick: It's alllllll fake.

Maddox: Are you a Titanic truther?

Dick: ALLLLLLL altruism is fake, I'm saying.

Maddox: Oh. Oh, okay.

Dick: Um, yeah. You'd be the last person I would want on that ship trying to save it.

Maddox: Wh…why? I would do a good job!

Dick: No. You are immediately condescending.

Maddox: I'm very charismatic. (laughs)

Dick: With every person. Well, first of all, you're Middle Eastern. And this is…

Maddox: (interjects) I'm not!! I'm Armenian. There's that.

Dick: Oh, ok…I didn't know there was a difference. I'm sorry.

Maddox: Oh yeah. There is a huge fucking difference, asshole. (Dick laughs) Why don't you look into it? Why don't you pick up a book?

Dick: Okay. (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. Why don't you go to a "librarys"?

Dick: If you dance like this, with snapping, rubbing invisible quarters together in the sky, like you're snapping, but you're not snapping? (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Maddox: I don't do that, asshole.

Dick: Then I call you Middle Eastern.

Maddox: No.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Dick: Well, so, I don't think they would respond well to that, first of all.

Maddox: Okay. It doesn't matter what they fucking respond to. You know what? If I showed up on that ship, I'm so charismatic and, yes, condescending. (Dick guffaws) But…but sometimes you listen to a condescending, charismatic leader, right? Don't you? I think people do.

Dick: I don't know about that. Name…who's a condescending, charismatic leader.

Maddox: Uh, me.

Dick: Neil DeGrasse Tyson!

Maddox: You're lookin' at him. No.

Dick: There we go.

Maddox: Oh, okay, well, there you go, sure. He's condescending and charismatic.

Dick: Yeah. He is.

Maddox: There you go. He's a perfect example.

Dick: Maybe I'm wrong.

Maddox: Yeah, eat my asshole.

Dick: Let's…let's have a contest. Let's travel back in time and save the Titanic.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: You wanna hear one more problem this week? Or else everyone's gonna bitch that we only had two problems.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. God forbid. You know, somebody was bitching about that. He's like, (dorky voice) "Yeah, what's the deal guys with the three comments lately?"

Dick: Three problems.

Maddox: Or, "The three problems you guys are bringing in?" And someone commented and said, "Hey, uh, would you prefer zero problems? They don't have to do this, dickhead!"

Dick: I saw that.

Maddox: Yeah. What's your last problem, Dick?

Dick: Getting Too High. (Maddox guffaws)

Maddox: Getting too high. Good…good pairing with your other problem.

Dick: Yeah. So, you know. Weed Day episode.

Maddox: What's wrong with getting too high?

Dick: Well, uh…you know. A lot of things. You look like an asshole.

Maddox: You do look like an asshole.

Dick: Sometimes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: See? The problem is…the problem with weed is you can't…you can't get too drunk. But you can get too high.

Maddox: Uhhhh, no.

Dick: You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: You're absolutely wrong. (laughing) I…I would much rather be around somebody who's too high than too drunk. Although there is a point of drunkness where they pass out where I'm just drawing shit on their face.

Dick: See?

Maddox: That's pretty funny.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But if you're too high, you're just sleeping.

Maddox: Yeah, but then if you get too, too drunk, then it's just alcohol poisoning, and that's gonna really just bum people out if they die.

Dick: You ever been too high?

Maddox: Uh, too…no, I don't even think I've been high…I've been high maybe, like once. But no.

Dick: You get high on life.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay, Dick.

Dick: Well, it's not making fun!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is it true?

Maddox: What?

Dick: That you get high on life. Is that an accurate statement?

Maddox: I don't even know. Like, how can you explain to someone who's never been high if they're high…like, what it's even like to be high.

Dick: Uh…

Maddox: You know, that's what…that's…my problem. I sound high right now. Uh…(Dick laughs) that's my problem. That's my problem with people who say, you know, they try to convey an idea that is internal to someone else who's never experienced it.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Or maybe has never experienced it. Like headaches. How do you know a migraine that you think that you're having is an actual migraine compared to someone else's headache? You might just think you're having a bad headache.

Dick: That's true. I was trying to explain to a girl what busting a nut felt like. (Maddox laughs) The other week.

Maddox: Great. (grins)

Dick: I can't remember what I said, though.

Maddox: Um…I…(laughs) you know, it's sooooo stupid, Dick, 'cause I was having this exact same conversation. (laughing) Different time, different people.

Dick: What do you mean? This conversation we're having right now?

Maddox: Yeah…no. I was trying to explain…I was trying to explain to a girl what it feels like.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. It's weird. It's weird, yeah.

Dick: It's hard. It's very difficult. I'm gonna work on that. I'll come back with that next week.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: I'll do some homework.

Maddox: Oh, it's hard, buddy.

(Sound effect: Boner "Boing!!!")

Dick: Getting Too High. I fell off a stool at the Pacific Dining Car last week.

Maddox: What's the Pacific Dining Car?

Dick: It's a steak restaurant.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Steak restaurant.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was too high.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You fell off a stool?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What an asshole.

Dick: Yeah, I know.

Maddox: Why were you so high?!

Dick: I've never fallen off a stool 'cause I was drunk. Too drunk.

Maddox: Yeah, well…what do you, just turn into a goofy idiot when you're high?

Dick: That's what it does to you, man.

Maddox: Mmm. So…so, Dick. You're…lemme…(laughs) …lemme get this straight. Your problem this week is you fell off a stool at the Pacific Dining Car.

Dick: (grins) Yeah, but I got other examples of getting too high.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Um…I was going to a rave one time. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Is this a Burning Man story, Dick?!

Dick: No, I got a Burning Man story about getting too high, too.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Yeah, I was going to a rave one time. I was supposed to meet a bunch of friends there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So they…they were bringing all these…all these pot brownies. Right? Edibles are murder, too. I don't know if you know that.

Maddox: I have…okay, I take it back. I have done an edible before.

Dick: Oh, then you've been high as shit!

Maddox: Well, there you go. There's that.

Dick: So they panicked in line. They had a whole plate of pot brownies.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they panicked in line, 'cause the bouncer was, like, frisking people.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: This was in college, so they're terrified of authority. And, uh…they decided to eat all of the pot brownies as quickly as possible.

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: To get through…to get through the line. 'Cause they don't wanna waste them, right?

Maddox: (shudders) God forbid.

Dick: So they get in…they get into the rave, at like, I dunno, 10.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Found 'em at 6 in the morning, all sleeping on top of each other. (Maddox laughs) In, like, these beanbags out in the front.

Maddox: Idiots.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: You blew it. You know, I feel like pot, and alcohol to an extent, maybe both the same extent, but I think that it's a way that people obliterate their senses so they don't have to contend with life.

Dick: Yeah! That's exactly what it is.

Maddox: Yeah. That they don't have to deal with their demons.

Dick: Yeah. You get it.

Maddox: I know people…I know people who just smoke nonstop. And it's because they don't want to be present enough to think about what they've done. (laughs) Or haven't done.

Dick: Happy 4/20, everybody.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, enjoy. Hey, is that harshing your buzz, you idiots? You fucking…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, well. I mean, you got video games, right? That's what you do.

Maddox: Yeah. But it's not.

Dick: To check out.

Maddox: But it doesn't…I don't check out. I think when I play video games. Especially…

Dick: You can't hold a conversation when you play video games.

Maddox: Oh. Oh, that's a fucking…(excited) Okay. You should see me play Street Fighter when I'm on the phone, buddy. When I'm having a…when I'm talking on the phone and I'm playing against someone else in Street Fighter, everyone gets pissed off, 'cause I'm so good. They…(laughs) they say, "Hey man." 'Cause I'm always, like, holding back. Like, one arm behind my back when I'm playing Street Fighter, right?

Dick: Oh, my god.

Maddox: 'Cause I'm playing against all these rookies and suckers. (Dick cracks up) And then when I'm playing…when I'm talking on the phone, I'm paying more attention to the conversation and I just go into muscle memory with Street Fighter, right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I'm just kickin' ass. And everyone's like, "Hey, this isn't fun. 'Cause you've won 30 times in a row." I'm like, "Oh, sorry. I'm on a phone call, I'm not paying attention. I forgot that I'm playing with my Master self."

Dick: Alright. (Maddox and Sean crack up) You got my problems.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Reefer Madness and Getting Too High.

Maddox: And my problem this week was Wage Gap Truthers!!

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: Don't forget to vote on these problems at Thanks for supporting us with Audible, guys. It really helps out the show.

Dick: Yeah. See ya next Tuesday. (Maddox laughs)

(Voice mail (male voice): "Oh, my god. Talk about non-fucking problems this week. I think you guys have really gotten to the end of the Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Dick: We brought in enormous problems last week.

Maddox: Yeah.

"The best you can fucking come up with is obesity, bacon love, and taxes."

Maddox: That's a huge problem!

Dick: Both…both…

"Dick, you dumb motherfucker. If you have a problem with taxes, you gotta have a fucking reason! I mean, they're necessary. Without taxes, we don't have roads or infrastructure. I get, you know…"

Dick: We got a lot of countries to run.

Maddox: Yeah.

"(inaudible) spending too much on military, then, like, maybe your problem shouldn't have been taxes. It shoulda been how we spend taxes, 'cause I agree, you know. I agree, we spend way too much on military. It's a fucking waste of money on my…

Maddox: Oh, thanks for agreeing, asshole. (Dick cracks up) Thanks for this really thoughtful point you brought in for our nonproblems, dipshit!

(Guy continues rambling in the background, inaudibly, while Maddox yells)

Maddox: You spent like fucking two minutes talking about this nonproblem, apparently!

Dick: So big of a nonproblem that it took two minutes to get to it.

"…Maddox, obesity is kind of a solution, 'cause these fat fucks die faster."

Maddox: No.

Dick: No.

Maddox: No. They just…they're more…idiot.

"…we're decreasing the population of people who are too stupid to take care of themselves.")

Dick: I can't take it anymore.

Maddox: Good. You know what? You moron! Listen, it's such a fucking nonproblem that it…that it spurred a two-minute debate you had with YOURSELF on a fucking voice mail, you idiot! (Dick cracks up) That's how…that's how much of a nonproblem. Uh, sorry we brought in this problem that has spurred no controversy or debate.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Really? It's not a problem? Guess what, you wouldn't be calling in if it wasn't a problem, shithead!!! Fuck!!!! (Sean and Maddox laugh)

Dick: Speaking…speaking of having a debate with yourself. Here's a…here's a call, uh…(Maddox still laughing)

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Dick, you fucking tit! (Maddox laughs) I'm listening to Episode 47 right now, and I'll tell you what. Belloq did not follow Indiana Jones to find the fucking Lost Ark, okay? He saw Indiana's guys digging it up."

Maddox: Oh, man. I'm so glad we…

"I'm of course talking about the beginning of the movie…..(inaudible) he did follow him. To find it. You're right.") (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: Then he called back immediately upon realizing his mistake.

Maddox: Okay. (grins)

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Dick, this is Pete again. (Maddox and Sean laugh) I just called and I was talking about your reference to Indiana Jones on Episode 47. (Maddox cracks up) I do apologize. (Sean and Dick crack up) I think it's pretty obvious you're talking about the beginning of the movie."

Dick: I think it's pretty obvious!! (dying of laughter) (Maddox cracks up)

"When Belloq follows Indiana Jones and just hangs out outside the opening of the cave, waiting for him (Dick and Maddox still laughing) to get the idol with The Hovitos. So, I…I immediately jumped to think that you thought he was….I immediately jumped to…I've been drinking. (Maddox and Dick crack up) I immediately jumped to the point that you were…you were talking about him finding the Lost Ark and Belloq follows him to the Lost Ark, when, you know…(stammers)…")

Maddox: Oh, boy. (Dick cracks up loudly)

Dick: Alright. (laughing)

Maddox: Now he's gotta apologize for talking too long.

Dick: I got…I got two more. Oh, uh…somebody wrote you a song, Sean.

Maddox: Oooooooh! We got a song for Sean.

Sean: Oh, great. (annoyed)

Dick: Yeah. I gotta play it this episode, too.

Maddox: Let's hear it.

Dick: Let's end on this one.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Reggae music starts…

(Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: Perfect!! (laughing) I love it already.

Me name Sativa Sean and me live on de farm and ….all day who comes be mon. Hey! But in this life, there's one thing I need. The day's over. I want to bun up some weed.

(They all crack up continuously throughout)

Yo! Where's the green?

Sean (clip) : It's gone.


Sean (clip) : Because last night, I went full-blown retard.

(They all crack up)

What happened?

Sean (clip): I deleted the weed (clip cut in). (They all laugh, Sean is coughing from laughing too much.)

Sean (clip): I deleted…")

Maddox: Oh, man. (laughing)

Sean: Wait, that was it?

Dick: No, hold on. I think I accidentally exed out of it.

Sean: Oh, my God.

(Song starts again.

Sean (clip): I deleted…")

Dick: Oh, that is it.