Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 48

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy?! (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Episode 48, Dick. We're comin' up on our milestone of 50 episodes.

Dick: Of 52!!! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: So we've been arguing all week on whether or not we should celebrate the milestone of 50 or the stupid-sounding 52, which is technically, I guess literally, a year.

Dick: (laughs) Technically one year of episodes. (grins) Which is…in my, uh, view…more impressive that a podcast has gone one YEAR, because you can continue measuring it by year, than a podcast that's gone 50 episodes. 50…you can…shitty podcasts, you can knock 50 episodes out in a day. Right?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but 52…what's the next milestone? Uh…(stammers) 104? (jeers) And then 156? That's stupid.

Dick: Two years. Three years. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Four years. You drop the numbers and you just go years. You shithead.

Maddox: I'm fine with that, but then what do you do for the 100th episode? Nothing? You just sit there with your dick in your hands?

Dick: I don't…do you wanna celebrate both?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: We can do that.

Maddox: That sounds like…that's a Maddox thing to do, buddy.

Dick: (scoffs) You be in charge of the 50th episode, I'll be in charge of the year episode. (giggles)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: There we go.

Dick: Can you believe that two grown men instantly…INSTANTLY totally opposite ideas of what we're doing. Asterios wrote and said, "Hey I wanna do something for the anniversary." At the same time, me, "Oh, you mean the 52nd?" Maddox…"Oh, you mean the 50th?" Ohhh boy. Here we go.

Maddox: Yeah. He thought it was the 50th, too. Whatever. There's a great…you know what? Let's…let's hear what you have to say in the comments, and then we will completely ignore it and do whatever we want.

Dick: Yeah. Happy…happy 400 day-th anniversary, honey. Right? That's what you say? (Maddox chuckles derisively) Not a year. Not 365.

Maddox: Oh, I tell her every day. (Dick scoffs) Every day's an anniversary.

Dick: Arbitrary.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Not every hour?

Maddox: Every…oh…

Dick: You don't celebrate the 40th hour? Or the 30th hour of…

Maddox: Well. I'll leave that to the woman. Uh, Dick, speaking of ignoring comments, um…so, the problems from last week.

Dick: Oooh, yeah! (excited)

Maddox: Number One. This is an upset. But "Losing Your Cell Phone". Everybody thought you did a shitty job of defending it, but to be fair, you only had a couple minutes at the end of the episode. The tail of the episode.

Dick: Yeah. (scoffs)

Maddox: But people felt that it was…of the problems we brought in, the closest thing to a real problem. And then "Wash Me", your stupid horseshit cock on your car, 'cause you're too lazy to wash your car. And then "Guardians of the Galaxy" got trounced! You guys happy? You idiots got what you want!!

Dick: I heard…not only was that the fastest negative problem we've ever had…I mean, you posted that problem, and it was already in the negatives.

Maddox: Yeah. It was positive for a hot minute.

Dick: Oh, what, when you voted up on it?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then every single other person who voted, voted it down?

Maddox: Yeah, I love how…

Dick: (interjects) Maddox, oh, my God!!

Maddox: I love how in the comments. The comments people sometimes complain. They say, "Hey, this episode's been up for less than a minute. Who voted for this?" And I always comment "Me."

Dick: Yeah, you.

Maddox: I'm the first person to vote. Every single time, 'cause I update the database, and then I add the…I add my vote to it to, sway the audience. Anyway, Dick. Yeah, um…(sighs) congratulations. Congratulations to all of you idiots for your Guardians of the Galaxy sweep. You fucking morons! Enjoy your stupid, shitty movie. And you know what, Dick? A number of people commented and they said, "How is this a problem?" I didn't get to…I didn't have enough time to elaborate, but this, essentially…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, thank God. You can do it right now. Right?

Maddox: Great.

Dick: More Guardians of the Galaxy.

Maddox: I just wanna say this.

Dick: Keep voting it negative, everybody.

Maddox: You know what? I don't give a shit!

Dick: Vote it negative for every second you waste this time bitching about it still.

Maddox: Yeah, great. You fucking morons. You're destroying our culture! So what Guardians of The Galaxy signals to other directors and creators. Because of its success, is that this is what we want! This is what Hollywood is!

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: This is what Hollywood wants, so they're gonna create more of this horseshit, and then it's just gonna continue this downward trajectory of our culture and art, and it's gonna ruin everything! And we're gonna get more fucking superhero movies. Enjoy!

Sean: I'm shocked you're commenting on art.

Dick: Go ahead. Why is that, Sean?

Sean: No, I'm shocked he's commenting on art, because he doesn't think anything's art!

Maddox: No, that's not true!

Sean: You've…railed against everything!

Dick: What was everything that…what are you talking about?

Sean: Like, nothing is subjective with you. Music…like…

Dick: (interjects) That's right! That's right! (revelation)

Sean: I remember him saying like, "Oh, what, is programming art? Is typing art?"

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: No! Come on. I think things are art. Of course…there's the art…there's the art of filmmaking, and I don't think Guardians of the Galaxies…Guardians of the Galaxy…is it "s"? Whatever! I don't think that shitty movie counts!

Dick: All the galaxies. (grins) They were guarding all of the galaxies. (taunting)

Maddox: Oh, yeah. You know what that fucking movie should have been called? (Dick giggles) Is Guardians of Xandar. That's all they defend in that fucking movie! That stupid, made-up, bullshit-ass planet! Xandar. Which is, by the way, like, the most…the least creative name you could come up with for a planet.

Dick: Oh, my God.

Maddox: Xandar? I come up with better names in my sleep! (angry, definitely sweating)

Dick: Go ahead. (snaps) Let's hear one. (Sean giggles) Uh-oh. Let's hear a name! (grins)

Maddox: Oh…okay. Omnicron. How about that?

Dick: Omnicron is a guy…is the bad guy from Transformers, you fuck! The Transformers cartoon movie!

Maddox: Great!

Dick: Omicron was voiced by Orson Welles.

Maddox: I said OmNIcron, not Omicron!

Dick: Okay, rip off, right there, let's hear another one! (Maddox giggles) Let's hear a good planet name…for a planet.

Maddox: Umlaut. (cracks up)

Dick: Umlaut's the thing over the "u" in German! Try again! (grins)

Maddox: Good name for a planet!

Dick: Let's go! Let's hear it!

Maddox: How about…how about Shotgun Blast? (Dick scoffs) That's a fuckin' cool…that's a cool planet! Hey baby, I just got…I just landed on Shotgun Blast. She's gonna say, "Hey, when you come home, you're gettin' a blowjob!"

Dick: No, she's gonna say, "Stay there." (Maddox laughs) "Maddox, stay on Shotgun Blast."

Maddox: (laughing) Whatever.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Maddox. I totally get why you don't like Guardians of the Galaxy. I think it's all about the Peter Quill character.

Dick: Yeah, it's true.

"Like how he was listening to music while his mom's in the hospital room dying? It's like he doesn't have any emotions. Like he's dead inside. Then when he grows up, he goes on and becomes a pirate, who thinks he's such a badass, but he comes across as a little gauche… (Dick and Maddox laugh) when he calls himself the Starlord. Almost like an Internet pirate who thinks he's a badass and runs a website called the Best Page in the Universe."

Dick: Awwwwww.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Did you see that coming? (grins)

"You know what I think, Maddox? I think Guardians of the Galaxy is a little too close to home for you. (Dick and Sean laugh) Let's face it, Maddox. You ARE the Starlord."

Dick: You are the Starlord. (laughing)

"And Dick, go fucking play the Titanic song.")

Dick: Ohhhhhhhh!!!

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: You know what?! Fuck you! I'm not the Starlord. (yelling) I'm the Masterlord. That guy's a fucking idiot. I…

(Sound clip: Dick's revamped Titanic song starts to play, cutting Maddox off)

(Dick cracks up laughing)

Maddox: This is bullshit! (angry) I hate it! I'm gonna veto this!!! Sean, delete this episode! Seriously. This time for real!! (yelling) I'm gonna fucking knock over this desk! I hate this piece! I hate this bit! (disgusted) (Dick laughs) This fucking…this shit!

Dick: I still don't know why you hated Guardians of the Galaxy.

Maddox: I explained it!

Dick: I get, like…when you reviewed James Bond.

(Song continues in the background)

Maddox: I fucking hate this song!!!

Dick: (giggles) You had some good points as to why that was a crummy movie, but Guardians of the Galaxy, you had no good points!

Maddox: I had plenty of good points, and I just elaborated in the episode! You don't think the downward trajectory of our culture is a problem!?!!?

Dick: I thought it was great. I thought it was pulling comic books out of the derivative shit they've been doing.

Maddox: Yeah, well, you're an idiot. And it's totally derivative. It's just another fucking comic book movie! (Dick cackles) Aw, man! These fucking idiots. These fucking fans! I hate all of you! Every single listener who's every listened to the show! You guys are all idiots!

Dick: Ohhhhhhhh, man. (grins)

Maddox: Cancel the show! Cancel the episode! Unsubscribe. I don't give a fuck!

Sean: But Maddox, you have to know that movie studios have never been about the art, ever.

(Song ends)

Sean: The fact that some of it gets through. That people put out product that actually gets through and is…almost an anomaly. They only care about making money off of it. And it's never been any different. Same with the music industry. All of that.

Dick: Sounds like Sean's got a problem brewing over there.

Maddox: Wrong!

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah. Why don't you bring that in as a problem, Sean?

Sean: I dunno, man.

Dick: (laughing) So aggressively!!!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Take it from somebody who grew up in it.

Dick: Ohhh! (surprised)

Maddox: The Biggest Problem in the Universe with Maddox. Here we go. Alright. (giggles) This…

Dick: Wait, what are you doing?

Maddox: Nothin…you know what, I'm? No, nothing. I just wanted to read a comment, Dick. This one's from Emma Olsen. She says, " Maybe we should start calling Dick Quick-Draw Dick." Because of your dirty car wash problem? And she said, "Get it, Dick? "

Dick: Yeah, I get it.

Maddox: Because it's a double thing.

Dick: It's a two…it's a double. You gotta do both. (Maddox laughs) It's both. It's Wheel of Fortune. Before and After.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I get it. Very funny.

Maddox: Yeah. I got another comment from Scott MacGregor. He said, "I've waited so long for Dick to get a vein. There's a joke in there somewhere." Yeah, good one, Scott.

Dick: I got another voicemail. You wanna hear it?

Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear it.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "(shuffling) Thank you for this timely hit piece on Guardians of the Galaxy. (Maddox groans) A movie that is, I think 18 months old, or possibly more? I think it's been in theaters. There's been an Oscar here since then. And an Olympics. Possibly a second Olympics. (Dick cracks up) (Maddox giggles) But you got your finger right on the pulse of what people are talking about, guys."

Dick: I love this guy.

"Thank you. I don't know where we'd be without this very timely criticism."

Maddox: I hate this guy. Great.

"Of Guardians of the Galaxy. I look forward to your feelings (giggles) on the Lord of the Rings trilogy or whatever bullshit your…(unintelligible) (Maddox and Dick crack up) Go fuck yourself.")

Dick: He called…I brought in every one of his voice mails, 'cause they're all so funny.

Maddox: You know, asshole?

(Voice mail: (same guy) "An open-format conversation podcast…"

Maddox: Great.

"Where two spirited individuals have a disagreement of opinion about the affairs of the world. Yeah. Derivative.") (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Pretty funny guy.

Maddox: Yeah. No, I'm tired of that guy!

Dick: He sounds so smug.

Maddox: Yeah. He sounds like he's grinning.

(Voice mail: (same guy) "True or false? (Dick giggles) I have at least 20 pics of dicks or whatever the fuck you said…"

Maddox: Yeah, I said dicks.

"On my phone right now."

Maddox: Yeah, you're just laughing to yourself.

"I have…some bad news. Letter "u", letter "r", letter "gay"." (Maddox and Sean crack up) "Edit that so I don't sound stupid, would ya?")

Dick: Do you know what he said at the end?

Maddox: No, what did he say?

Dick: "Edit it so I don't sound stupid".

Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.

(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are…gaaaaaaaay!?")

Dick: I did. I edited it so he wouldn't sound stupid. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: Was that it?

Dick: You wanna hear it? No, no, no. Here's…here's the edit.

Maddox: Let's hear the edit.

(Voice mail: (same guy) "True or false. I have…no…(clipped) dick. Edit that so I don't sound stupid, would ya?" (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: I don't hear you grinning through your teeth in that one, asshole. Ah, man.

Dick: Oh, God. So many…

Maddox: Can we block that phone number? Block that phone…I'm gonna get in and block that.

Dick: Here's…here's a good one.

(Voice mail: (male voice, sounds like crappy imitation of a Japanese samurai from an anime) "Hello Dick and Maddox-u… (Dick and Maddox laugh) My name is…Tamaka-san!! I am a samurai!"

Dick: Samurai. (giggles)

"We do not drive-u our cars like you, Maddox-u. (Maddox dies of laughter) Samuria drive-u with efficiency! While still remaining respectful. (Dick and Sean crack up)and keeping the safety of the drivers around us in mind. Meanwhile-ru. (Maddox laughs)You, Maddox-u, drive like a cuuurazy gaijin asshole!!! (Dick and Maddox laugh)You are ze the kind of person who leaves giant accidents in his wake-u. (they all crack up) Please. Commit seppuku right-u now!! And you…Dick-u Masterson!"

Dick: Yeah.

"Anata wa suuugoi na hiito daiyo!! That means you are a pretty coor-u guy!" (Maddox laughs)

"Until-ru next time. Saiyonara!!!")

(Everyone dies of laughter)

Maddox: I like that guy. He's always busting my balls! I'd go drinking with that dude.

Dick: Yea, he's cool. (grins)

Maddox: I'll drink some soju with him.

Dick: You don't…you don't drive like a samurai, though. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: I do like to drive like a samurai!

Dick: No…Paul…Paul Gifford says, "Lol. I drive by the samurai ethos. You mean bushido, the code of honor, patience, calmness, serenity, perfection, and war?" (Sean laughs) "Maddox, it sounds more like you drive like Mad Max or Jason Statham from Death Race; on edge, furious, and like you're always in constant peril."

Maddox: Uh, yeah. Thank you. That is…that's one of the best compliments I've ever…

Dick: (interjects) Not like a samurai. (grins)

Maddox: That…(stammers) samurai…you don't know what the fuck a samurai does, dickhead! And I didn't mean bushido, I meant a samurai! Samurais are always pissed off! Always. (Dick laughs) Especially when they're making love! (background laughter)

Dick: Is that how you fuck? Like you drive?! (incredulous) Oh, my god!!

Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!

Dick: You're gonna rip a girl's tits off like that! (Maddox cracks up) You gotta be careful!

Maddox: Yep. Hey, gotta hang on, buddy!

Dick: Um, I got…God, I got so many great comments. Uh…I'll do one more, though. I don't wanna get crazy today.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Chris Pucknell. This might be the funniest, best comment I've ever read. Chris Pucknell, "The shows are released every Tuesday, but they never take advantage of the phrase, "See you next Tuesday.""

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: And he adds, "Cleverly concealing the word "cunt"." (Maddox laughs) In case we didn't know.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We know, buddy. We invented that joke. Yeah, we've never done that on the…

Dick: (interjects) See you next Tuesday!

Maddox: See you next Tuesday.

Dick: Oh, we should.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: That's a very cunty thing for us to do. Um, Dick. I have…

Dick: One more. One more.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Matthew Gordon says, "Maddox, two weeks in a row, you've sounded like some decrepit old bitch."

Maddox: Mmmkay.

Dick: (giggles) "During your bullshit argument against Guardians of the Galaxy, I swear the only thing I heard was 'Get off my lawn'." I think it's time for diabetes-safe socks and extra-large sunglasses."

Maddox: You know what? Fuck you! I'm tired of this shit! I bust my hump bringing in well-researched problems! I wrote this…like, three pages shitting on this…your favorite movie. (angry)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: For your benefit! For your enlightenment.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And this is the thanks I get. Dick, um, I have. I have a bit to play. It's…it's one of your favorite bits on the show. It's everyone's favorite bit…

Dick: Goddamnit.

Maddox: …on the show. What?

Dick: Go! I know what the bit is.

Maddox: No. It might not be!

Dick: It's "out of context shenanigans, brought to you by Maddox". Go ahead. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No, you don't know, Dick. It might not be.

(Ritzy theme song starts, "DICK VERSUS DICK!!!!" voice)

Dick: Ugh, such horseshit.

Maddox: (laughing) Ahh, Dick. Today's Dick Versus Dick comes to us all the way back from episode 41.

Dick: Great.

Maddox: Remember, umm…I don't know if you remember this, Dick, but, uh…here's what you said way back when. Listen to this.

(Harp riff)

Dick: Oh, you got a harp.

(Dick: "You know, you guys…you would really do well by reading a book called "Siddhartha".

Maddox: Siddhartha talks about that, Dick? How not get incensed at things you read on Facebook?

Dick: Yeah, man. It's all about not…it's very…very Zen Buddhist. It's all about not engaging with the things in life that upset you.

Maddox: Ooooooh, I feel a Dick Versus Dick coming on!!! (Whitney laughs) Tune in next episode, guys!

Dick: Why? Why? What did I say?")

(Harp riff)

Maddox: Yeah. You remember saying that, Dick?

Dick: You what this segment should be called?

Maddox: Yeah, what?

Dick: "Maddox doesn't get jokes". (Maddox laughs) I remember why I said that, too.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: I said that because Whitney was talking about recently enlightened people and how annoying they are when they pitch what they've just become enlightened with.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Dick: So I said…I chimed in with, "You know what, Maddox? You should read…" and then I gave this stupid Buddhist spiel over Siddhartha, which is like a ninth-grade reading book.

Maddox: You know, I agree Dick, that was a funny statement, but I believe that there was a kernel of truth in there, because you're always saying, (whiny voice) "What's the big deal with Facebook? What's the big deal with Guardians of the Galaxy?"

Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Maddox: Well, here's what you said…well, this is just from a number of episodes. Here you go.

(Harp riff)

(Dick: "Whoa, everyone slow the fuck down. Didn't that sound like bullshit?"

Dick: "I'm so fuckin' pissed off. (grins)

Dick: So suck it up! Shut the fuck up! That's crazy!!!

(Maddox and Dick laughing live)

Dick: These chickenshit, nutless, Dick Versus Dick, out of context horseshit bits that …you're like a fuckin' child! Fuck you!!!

(Maddox still laughing)

Dick: I am so pissed off!

Dick: Just it existing would bring my blood pressure down!!!!

Dick: 50 years of comic book movies! WHO FUCKING CARES!!!!

(Harp riff)

(Maddox laughing)

Dick: I'll try it. I gotta go read that book again.

Maddox: Siddhartha, huh? Is that what you recommended to read?

Dick: Yeah, Siddhartha. Maybe I'll read the sequel.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Sean: I think he said, "I can't jack off enough times in one day to get rid of my anger", or something like that.

Maddox: He did say that.

Dick: Alright, shut up, Sean. (Sean laughs) You know what? I was gonna let you off the hook this time, Maddox, but now I'm definitely playing Titanic. Do you remember where we were when we last left off?

Maddox: No! We're not doing this! You already played the fucking song! You get one or the other.

Dick: Ooooooooookay. Nope, that's…I'm playing it.

(Clip starts)

Dick: Do you remember where we were? We had just discovered something exciting.

Maddox: I'm so fucking mad! This is bull…Dick…this is…what is this?!

Dick: Look. Look.

Maddox: No. I will not.

Dick: I'm putting it in front of your computer, then.

Maddox: I'm not looking. Sean, turn that shit down.

Dick: It's Bill Paxton.

Maddox: I'm not…I'm not.

Dick: He just found something under the sea and they're finally out of the sea.

Maddox: I'm not gonna look. (laughing) I'm not gonna look.

(Clip continues)

Dick: All these people are gathering around.

Maddox: Good.

Dick: What they're pulling out of the ocean.

Maddox: Yeah. Probably a big dick.

Dick: No, it's not a big dick.

Maddox: It's a big dick they're pulling out of the ocean. (giggles) Then they can fuck themselves with it.

Dick: It's a safe.

Maddox: Oh, wow. (uninterested)

Dick: Bill Paxton and his crew just pulled a safe out of the ocean.

Maddox: Oh, lemme guess. Is there a fucking jewel in there? Is there a jewel in that safe?

Dick: You wanna see?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Aren't you interested?

Maddox: No. Great.

Dick: They're opening champagne.

Maddox: I don't give a shit.

Dick: Everyone's getting soaked in champagne, like they just won something.

(Clip ends)

Maddox: Fuck you, Dick. Dick, you don't…you don't get to do a double on this.

(Sound clip: Dick: "It's a two…it's a double. You get to do both.")

Maddox: You don't get to do that.

Dick: Was it a jewel or was it not?

Maddox: I don't care. Fucking bullshit. I'm so pissed off.

Dick: Alright. Go ahead.

Maddox: What? Okay. I got a comment here from Daniel Yaha…ya ya. Whatever. He says, "Hey Maddox. You watch porn. All porn is derivative as hell. Penis goes into vagina. Woop-dee-doo." Uh, not always, Daniel. Sometimes penis goes into butt.

(Sound clip: Fart sound)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Get to a problem.

Maddox: Um, okay. My first problem this week, Dick. Is Obesity.

Dick: Ohh.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaah!! Huge problem!

Dick: Hmmph.

Maddox: Now, Dick. What?

Dick: Good one. (grins)

Maddox: (laughing) Thanks. (Sean laughs) It is a huge problem. Real big. Obesity, Dick. So, here's how I'll know if the system works. If our little experiment…

Dick: If our voting system works?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Because obesity is a bigger problem than hunger.

Dick: Yeah. I got news for you. It doesn't work. Slacktivism is at the top?

Maddox: Yeah! Because slacktivism makes people think that they've done something when they haven't, and then they end up not doing anything at all! It's basically procrastinating anything. Anything getting done. It's a huge problem.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Anyway, Dick. Um, this is from the World Health Organization. It says, "Overweight and Obesity are linked…" that's stupid phrasing. Anyway…(Dick cracks up) It says over…(laughs) "Overweight and obesity are linked to more deaths worldwide than underweight." Did you know that?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Yeah. More deaths than underweight, Dick. "65% of the world's population live in a country where overweight and obesity kills more people than underweight. This includes all high income and middle income countries. Globally, 44% of diabetes, 23% of ischemic heart disease, and 7% to 41% of certain types of cancers are attributed to overweight and obesity."

Dick: So you're saying that obesity should be a bigger problem than hunger, because…

Maddox: Than hunger.

Dick: Because it causes more deaths.

Maddox: Not just because it causes more deaths, but more disease, too.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, but I don't…I don't think so. Because…(Maddox scoffs) obesity is a choice. And hunger is not a choice. Very rarely is it a choice to be starving. That's why I think hunger is a bigger problem, because it's…it's a much worse fate to be stuck with nothing to eat than it is to be sick because you've crammed butter and cheesecake down your throat for 50 years.

Maddox: Yeah. Um, that's interesting, Dick. Do you also think that AIDS is a choice? Because you said that hunger is a bigger problem than AIDS. Uh-oh…ohhhhh, ohhhhhhh?

Dick: I don't think AIDS is a choice.

Maddox: It's not a choice. I mean, sometimes.

Dick: Well, why are you asking me if I think AIDS is a choice? Who says…

Maddox: (interjects) Because during that episode…

Dick: (interjects) Who the fuck thinks AIDS is a choice?

Maddox: No, but during that episode…your…listen to what your argument is, Dick. You just said that obesity is a choice, whereas hunger is not. And you said…

Dick: Do you disagree with that?

Maddox: But during…during…hold on. That's not the point. During that hunger episode, you said that hunger is a bigger problem than AIDS because hunger affects more people. But now you're saying that obesity is not a bigger problem than hunger, because obesity is a choice. Well, AIDS isn't a choice either!

Dick: I mean, you understand that the reasons are a big part of that. Like, it's…it's hotter in your oven than it is outside because the oven's got stuff in it that heats it up.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a whole different reason. Hunger is more…it…it doesn't matter. Go on.

Maddox: Yeah. No, you know what, Dick? Um, obesity is not always a choice, at least insofar as a child's choice is concerned, because children are not at the age of consent. A lot of times, they're beholden to what their parents feed them.

Dick: Oohhh.

Maddox: And according to the CDC…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: The percentage of children aged 6 to 11 years in the United States who were obese increased from 7% in 1980 to nearly 18% in 2012. That's over two and a half times in 30 years.

Dick: Yeah. People are getting fat.

Maddox: Yeah. But those are kids specifically who don't have a choice in what they eat. They don't have a say.

Dick: Yeah, that's true.

Maddox: They eat what their parents give 'em. Similarly, the percentage of adolescents aged 12 to 19 years who are obese increased from 5% to nearly 21%! Over four times the amount in the same period. Four times! That's an epidemic, man. I mean, that is bigger than hunger. That's bigger than AIDS. This is…this may be the biggest problem in the universe. Probably even bigger then female genital mutilation. No shit!

Dick: I know. It was a big problem when I brought it in as "Everyone Needs to Lose 20 Pounds". (smug)

Maddox: Dick!!!! (Sean laughs)

Dick: You remember that?

Maddox: Yeah, I remember your horseshit problem that you were…you were just bringing that problem in 'cause you wanted to bang a hot chick, or something. That was your…your whole argument.

Dick: I believe it!

Maddox: Yeah. Dick, not everyone needs to lose 20 pounds. Because guess what? That problem undermines your fucking hunger problem, doesn't it?!!

Dick: You're right. Some people need to lose 200 pounds. (Maddox laughs) What's next? What's…

Maddox: More stats, Dick. More stats.

Dick: More stats. (grins)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: (laughs) What else did the WHO have to say about obesity?

Maddox: Lots of things, Dick!

Dick: Were you obese?

Maddox: Ye…uh, yeah, I was. At some point in my life. So, I was. I weighed…at some point, about 250 pounds. 252 pounds at my heaviest.

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Wow!

Maddox: I was a big boy.

Dick: Every day is a leg day for you when you weight 250 pounds. (Maddox laughs) I'm not joking! I mean, I'm saying it in a funny way, but that's absolutely true.

Maddox: No, that's…that's fucking true. Don't fat shame me, Dick.

Sean: Well, to be medically obese, you don't have to be that overweight. It's…are you thinking morbidly obese?

Dick: We're all almost obese in my medical opinion.

Maddox: Yeah. Dick's…

Dick: No, but you're…you're right, Sean. It's, like, 30 pounds, or something like that?

Sean: Yeah. It's not that much. And then, yeah. I don't know if it's, like, 80 or 100 pounds to be morbidly obese?

Maddox: Well, that's a good point, Sean. Someone sent an email awhile back talking about the BMI of swimsuit models, and they said, "Well technically, they're obese." (stammers) and I said, "No, they're not."

Dick: Okay, whatever.

Maddox: And he said they were starving. And I'm like no, first of all, BMI is not a very good indicator of obesity, because it doesn't take into consideration height and age, and specific body type. Like, for example, Polynesians naturally just have larger bodies than most of Americans. Yet, Polynesians, based on this standard, are all obese. But they're not. They're perfectly healthy. They have healthy cholesterol levels and healthy…whatever. Other fucking blood levels. I…I don't wanna be corrected for this! Shut up! I don't care.

Dick: You know…you know what is a good indicator of obesity?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Me.

Maddox: (scoffs) Oh yeah?

Dick: I can look at any broad I see. I'll tell you if she's fat or not.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause they can sneak it by you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They wear fat stuff to hide it. They pose in fat ways.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: They're holding their purse in funny ways, like they're pregnant.

Maddox: Yep. Yeah.

Dick: Mmm. I'll see right through that, like the Terminator.

Maddox: Ohh.

Dick: Boop boop boop boop boop!! Fat broad detected! (grins)

Maddox: Dick, you know….

Dick: (interjects) Gotta bang.

Maddox: You know I'm good at that too, right?

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause we've…we've gone through this before, like you've shown me pictures, like "God, I can't tell." And I'm pretty good at detecting that, too.

Dick: Oh, yeah. It's true.

Maddox: It's always the weird angles. The grainy photos. I know what's goin' on. I know what's goin' on, fatties! Um, so yeah. I was a fatty. I was a big, fat, fatty. 252 pounds.

Dick: How'd you get that way?

Maddox: Well, uh…35 pounds of it was directly attributed to writing my first book.

Dick: What? (incredulous)

Maddox: Uh, I gained 35 pounds during that process, because it almost…I mean, that was just such a brutal process. I worked for six months on that…on my first book, from start to finish. In that time, I wrote a computer program that was over 2000 lines just to create a chat room for my illustrators to upload their artwork.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: And to also communicate with each other so that everybody could be on the same page for that book. So that the book, even though 8 different people were working on it. It had the same artistic direction, because we…I didn't have an overarching artistic director. I was…I took that role.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And I got $7,000 to do everything. To do all of this. Anyway, and for every one page that went into my book, I wrote three pages of description for the illustrations that I needed in it, because you have to be very specific with illustrators. You know, sometimes we have people…we farm out some thumbnails for this episode.

Dick: Yeah, I just let 'em run with it. Like a sentence…

Maddox: Oh, I know.

Dick: You're like "Oh, tell 'em this, this, this." And I'm like, "Ahh, here's the problems. Make whatever you want."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Then you're like "What the hell!? Where did this come from?! This isn't what I said at all!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like "Ahh, give 'em a break."

Maddox: Ugh, alright, Dick. (sighs) I mean, that's the difference between you and I, but for that book, it took so much work…so, imagine. That was a 200-page book.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: So I wrote, essentially, 600 pages of writing that didn't go into the book.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And 2000 lines of code that nobody will ever see. And that was just…and that's not even counting the editing I did and the proofing I did, and the layout that I did, and all this other shit, and the research. That book almost…and I did that in six months from start to finish. And I mean that. I didn't take a single day off. I worked on Christmas. I worked on Thanksgiving. I worked on New Year's Eve.

Dick: Sounds like you didn't take a meal off, either, if you put on 35 pounds during all that. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You know, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) What, do you eat to, like..when you're stressed out? Do you eat?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is that what you do?

Maddox: I did. I did.

Dick: That would be rough.

Maddox: Also…you know, Dick. I thought my diet was pretty healthy when I was at that weight. I thought that I was eating healthy things, 'cause I…like, every morning, I would have a sausage and egg sandwich.

Dick: Oh, good. (Maddox laughs) If it's on the men…if it's on the breakfast menu at McDonald's, probably a healthy choice. Right?

Maddox: No, I made it…I made it myself, but I thought…

Dick: (laughing) It's still on there!

Maddox: Oh, I know. I know. I know I was fuckin' up. But I thought, "You know what? I'm getting turkey sausage, so that's a little healthier."

Dick: Oh, my god.

Maddox: And I'm eatin' whole wheat bread. And I'm eatin'…and then one day…

Dick: This is what fat people actually believe.

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs) No, it's true. I didn't…I believed that. And then one day, when I sat down and I looked at the calories in everything I was eating.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I realized I was eating, like, a 6-700 calorie breakfast just for that one sandwich alone.

Dick: Yeah,

Maddox: And sometimes I would have a bowl of cereal in addition to that, 'cause I thought, "Well, it's part of a balanced breakfast." They always show two things on the…on the…(trails off laughing) (Dick laughs) On the commercials. And I'd wash it down with a cup of orange juice, and I did the math one day and I'm like "Holy shit, that's a 1700-fucking calorie breakfast I just ate."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And cereal was my big undoing. I would always keep boxes of cereal in the living room or the kitchen, or whatever. And I'd walk in when I would get stressed out writing, grab a handful, pop it in my mouth, and not think anything of it. And then I realized, after about two or three days, those boxes of cereal were disappearing. I was eating, like, a box of cereal every two or three days.

Dick: You're like a horse.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, going through that cereal.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What kind of cereal? 'Cause cereal's pretty healthy, but now I'm thinking maybe this was Lucky Charms or Cookie Crisp.

Maddox: No, it was Shredded Wheat.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And then, I remember…this is just a real moment here, but I remember when I was moving from my last apartment, er, two apartments ago, I was going through my cupboards, and I found this perfectly unopened box of cereal, just kinda tucked away. It looked like it was brand new. And I thought, "What the hell? What's this doing here." And I remember the day I bought that cereal, and I bought it specifically to not eat it, as a test of my willpower. (Dick laughs) Because that was my big Achilles' heel. I really liked cereal. And I remember leaving that on the counter for months and not touching it. And not opening it. Just to kind of test myself, you know?

Dick: Yeah. Sure.

Maddox: And then eventually…and then eventually, I think I had some dates, I lost a lot of weight, some dates came over, and I was like, "You know what? It just looks weird having this unopened box of cereal on the counter. I'm gonna hide it." And I left it there. And I remember that's the last box of cereal I ever bought, and I bought that about eight…seven years ago. About seven years ago.

Dick: What kind of cereal was it?

Maddox: It was Shredded Wheat.

Dick: Shredded Wheats.

Maddox: Yeah. That was my jam.

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: Yeah. And I haven't bought cereal since. Not a single box in seven years.

Dick: So you're familiar with this problem of obesity.

Maddox: I am very familiar with this problem. And, yeah.

Dick: What changed? How do you get people to change? 'Cause it's out of control. I agree with you that it's a huge epidemic. Diabetes drugs, like, the sale of diabetes drugs, diabetes Type 2, I already brought in, which is caused by obesity, pretty much.

Maddox: It's…there's a lot of correlation to it. I…I read some statistic, too, that…I think you may have mentioned this during the episode, but if you lose something like 2 or 3 pounds of weight around your waist, it decreases your risk of type 2 diabetes by 50% or something.

Dick: I…yeah. I think it's higher than that, too.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot. Um, yeah. So, what changed is…I decided I wanted to live a healthy lifestyle. I started biking everywhere. I bike…I still. That's why I'm such a huge bike advocate, 'cause it gets you off your fat ass!!

Dick: But what if you wanna be, like, a man and lose weight. (Sean chuckles) Then what would you recommend? (cracks up)

Maddox: You know, fuck you, Dick!!! (Dick guffaws) I ride my bike like a samurai, too! Where's that samurai? I'm sure he'll get my back!

Dick: I got a…I got a voice mail about that. Hold on. Lemme play it.

Maddox: (laughing) Okay.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Maddox, it's Chris from Tampa. I'm surprised you didn't know that a 12-year-old Vine star figured you'd go, like, ride bikes or something like that. (Dick cracks up) Uhh, Dick, go fuck yourself.")

Maddox: No…shut up!!! Did he tell me to go fuck myself?

Dick: No, he told me to go fuck myself.

Maddox: Alright, good.

Dick: So you rode bikes.

Maddox: Yeah, man.

Dick: You rode your bike.

Maddox: Yeah. I rode my bike a lot and I got a trainer at the gym. I decided…I also decided that I was allowing myself to spend $5 to $10 per meal for breakfast. I changed my meals one at a time. I stopped eating so much shit.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: And…the way to do this. First of all, don't do a fucking diet. Diets don't work, because your body will reject them. You will fall right back into your rut. You have to sneak this onto your body so gradually that your body doesn't even notice. So, one day a week, I would change my breakfast from my turkey sausage and egg sandwich to a bowl of fruit with a handful of almonds and two hard-boiled eggs.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: And I had cholesterol problems, so I ditched the yolk and I just ate the protein. And it was a real light meal. But I did that one day a week for a month, and then two days a week for a month, and then eventually, it was every single day, and to this day, I still eat something similar to that. Now I eat a lot of oatmeal, but…

Dick: You're like a Ben Franklin kinda guy. Did you ever…have you ever thought of that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Has anybody ever told you that?

Maddox: What?

Dick: 'Cause, like, you know that Ben Franklin made that stupid book about, like, being a better person.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he had this system, where he would, like, if he noticed that he was, um…oh, god. If he noticed that he was gossiping one day, the next day, he would, like, try to go through a whole day without gossiping. And he literally had a chart where he would check off a day where he didn't do that vice.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: And then by the end, he just had, you know, all check boxes. 'Cause he was perfect, right? (Maddox cracks up) That's what he wants you…that's what he's saying without saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I always hated that story, 'cause I'm like "Okay, so he's just saying he didn't do those things. Whatever. Fuck him. (Maddox laughs) But it sounds like you're doing the same thing!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I do.

Dick: It's very methodical.

Maddox: I do. And sometimes, I do things…I set up traps for myself and I test myself, just to make sure that I have internal consistency.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So that I make sure that I do the same decisions. I have all these little routines and things. I've been blocking Facebook on my computer, too. And I make it really difficult for me to unblock it, because I know myself. I'm a lazy person.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And if I'm lazy and it takes my any more effort than typing the letter "F" into my browser bar, I'm not gonna go to Facebook. I'm over it. I'm done.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'll just get back to work.

Dick: I dunno if I've ever done that.

Maddox: I'm…I'm compulsive. I used to be a compulsive…I mean, I still am. A compulsive Facebook checker. Because I have so many different accounts and little things just buzzing me all the time, and so many…I have so many different pages and comments and messages, and fucking voice mails! It's nonstop. It's a cacophony.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Anyway, Dick. A couple of other stats real quick and I'll just…

Dick: One meal at a time, right? One day at a time. That's how you did it.

Maddox: Yeah, uh…if you're serious about losing weight, get a trainer. Talk to a nutritionist. And then you need to calculate your calories. And don't feel bad about what you're eating, because if you just feel guilty all the fucking time, you're gonna feel awful. And then my trainer…here's a big tip that my trainer told me. He said, "Look, man. You're gonna have cravings, and you're gonna want to eat some shit sometimes." And I said, "You're damn right, I am." And then he said, "Look, if you're gonna eat shit, make it the best shit possible." Like, if you're gonna have a big, greasy American barbecue platter? Go to the best place and have the best barbecue platter. 'Cause he likened it…I think maybe this was my analogy, but I likened it to sex. You would rather have sex, but masturbation will do, right? But if you're gonna do it, you might as well have sex.

Dick: Well, I mean…I don't know. (Maddox laughs) Sometimes…sometimes you're just kinda over it with a girl and you're like, "Oh, man. I don't really want you coming over. I'm just gonna jerk off."

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. That's a snack.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: So…not all the time.

Maddox: Not all the time. Don't snack. Get the meal. Get the meal when you can. Okay, maybe it's not the best analogy. Fuck you. Alright…anyway, man. (Sean laughs) Uh…just one more…a couple more stats and then I'm done with this problem. Uh…the biggest problem in the universe, I would say. Here's…here's a really mindblowing stat. "In 2008, more than 1.4 billion adults were overweight, and more than half a billion were obese." That's 6…that's 500 million people who are obese, dude! "At least 2.8 million people each year die as a result of being overweight or obese. The prevalence of obesity has nearly doubled between 1980 and 2008." Nearly doubled in 30 years. "Once associated with high-income countries, obesity is now prevalent in low and middle-income countries as well."

Dick: Wait, wait. Say that last part again? "Once prevalent in high-income countries…"?

Maddox: Yeah. It was once prevalent in high-income countries. And now, it's…obesity is also prevalent in low and middle-income countries.

Dick: Huh. Is that because of, like, fast food? That we export, like, fast food chains? Or…you know what I mean. Shitty food.

Maddox: Yeah, shitty food.

Dick: All over the world.

Maddox: You…(laughs) So here's one last thing I'll end on here. It said…this is, I believe, from the WHO. It said, "Raised BMI is a risk factor for noncommunicable diseases, such as cardiovascular disease…" bla, bla, bla. And they said, "While they continue to deal with problems of infectious diseases under nutrition, they are experiencing a rapid upsurge in noncommunicable disease factors, such as obesity and overweight, particularly in urban settings." So here's how you can overcome it. Just increase consumption of fruits and vegetables, as well as legumes, whole grains, and nuts. And then limit energy intake from total fats and sugars. That's it. Stop eating so much shit and exercise. It's not a secret, guys. Diet and exercise. That's what worked for me.

Dick: It's a big problem.

Maddox: That's my problem.

Dick: You know what causes obesity?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Hunger.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: Out of control, insatiable hunger.

Maddox: Mmm. (skeptical)

Dick: The kind of hunger where you want to eat your own hand when you're stressed out.

Maddox: Yeah. I don't think so.

Dick: The kind of hunger you get when you're writing a masterpiece of a book.

Maddox: Haaaaa.

Dick: Go vote up "Hunger".

Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! Go vote up monkeys!!!

(Sound clip: Monkeys hooting)

Dick: You ready for my problem?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what day it is tomorrow, don't you? (mysterious)

Maddox: Tomorrow's Wednesday.

Dick: Tomorrow's Wednesday.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what day good 'ol Wednesday is in the US?

Maddox: Oh, hump day?

Dick: Tax day.

Maddox: Oh, shit!! Is it, really?

Dick: Ohhoho, yeah, buddy!

Maddox: Tax day…is this Wednesday!?!?!?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, f…I haven't done shit!

Dick: April 15th!

Maddox: Fuck!!! I haven….

Dick: Well, maybe I should change my problem to "That look on your face when you realize tax day is tomorrow." (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Seriously!?

Dick: April 15th, yes!

Maddox: Fuck! I haven't done shit!

Dick: Uhhhhhhhh…well! Maddox.

Maddox: Shit!!

Dick: Then you're gonna be voting up my problem. (grins)

Maddox: Awww, fuck. I'm sweating!

Dick: Income Tax!

Maddox: This is a nervous sweat right now, for real. Uggggggggh. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Just defer it. Defer it 'til October.

Maddox: I always do, but you still have to pay it.

Dick: Get the extension.

Maddox: Otherwise you get fined up the ass.

Dick: Aaaah, well. Income tax!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's my problem

Maddox: Mmkay.

Dick: Income tax.

Maddox: Uhh…why is…

Dick: (interjects) And I brought in a bunch of stupid stats, too.

Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear it.

Dick: But, uh…I think what it all comes down to for me, for this particular problem, is where do you get off? If you support the income tax? Where do you get off thinking you have the right to my money?

Maddox: Wherever I want.

Dick: Yeah. (scoffs) (Maddox laughs) And that's really, to me, that's the line. That's the line in the sand that says you're either with me or against me. Where…please justify where you think you have a right to my money!

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, boy oh boy, Dick.

Dick: Money that is the quantum of life!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You trade your life for money! Every day.

Maddox: Sure. Sure.

Dick: Is that true or false? Every day, people all over the world trade the bits and piece of their life for money.

Maddox: Yeah, some people do. I made that case awhile back in my old job. I asked my coworker in the other cubicle. I said, "Hey man, would you trade a month of your life for $10,000?" He said, "Fuck no." I said, "Well, you're doing it right now for a lot less."

Dick: Uh, actually, depending on what day of the year it was, they were doing it for zero.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because, according to my little mathematical calculations, the average worker in America spends 10% of the year working for nothing!

Maddox: Because of taxes?

Dick: Because of the income tax.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Average guy makes, let's say 50 grand, right? It's around there?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Average person pays 5 grand in tax…I'm not counting payroll tax, by the way.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: 'Cause I'll bring that in separately, 'cause I think that's also horseshit. This is just income tax.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: What is 5 grand of income tax, counting state and local taxes.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Out of $50,000. That's 10%!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Man. 10% of your year, you are working…you are basically in an air conditioned slave camp for 10% of the year!

Maddox: Well, Dick…

Dick: Where do you get off?

Maddox: Well, Dick. You…you have to eat, right? You have to eat every day?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you have to buy food with that money. Would you say that, then, I don't know, 20% of your year, you're doing nothing, you're working for free, because you have to buy food with it?

Dick: That's a tax that God stuck on me. I can't dodge that one! (Maddox laughs) This is an income tax that everyone is making me pay.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Dick: With guns!

Maddox: Yeah. You say…

Dick: (interjects) With guns and force, you know.

Maddox: Ohoho. Ohhhh, yeah. Yeah.

Dick: The system. The system that then you have to work to PAY FOR, that makes you pay more taxes!

Maddox: Suckers. You know, Dick, you sound like my dad. Um, (laughs) You sound so much like my…my dad is…he carries little bits and pieces of paper around with him in his wallet…and every time he goes…

Dick: (interjects) Confetti?

Maddox: No, no…um…(Dick laughs)

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause your dad's, like, Rip Taylor? (Maddox laughs) He's always celebrating?!!? No, what do you mean?

Maddox: My dad is the…he is the least flamboyant guy you'll ever meet. (Dick cracks up)

Dick: He's the opposite of Rip Taylor, you're saying.

Maddox: He's the opp…he's like stone. He's stoic. Um, my dad carries little bits and pieces of paper, and he'll go…I swear to God, we went to a furniture store one time…

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: And my dad just wanted to buy a fucking couch. And then he got in an argument with the sales clerk saying, "Well, I shouldn't have to pay taxes for this. The 16th amendment wasn't ratified!" And he pulled out these little slips of paper and started showing them, and…

Dick: Are you serious?!

Maddox: Oh, yeah, he's one of those.

Dick: Awesome!

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) That's my dad.

Dick: Oh, that's awesome as shit.

Maddox: Yeah. He wants to go back to the Gold standard. He thinks that the world is run by 12 bankers and uh…

Dick: Well, I don't know about that.

Maddox: All this conspiracy shit. And yeah, gold, and libertarians. It's all your fucking libertarian agenda! That's all it is! Gold and fucking guns. That's…yeah.

Dick: Sean? What's the clock? Sean and I had a bet in the car, because…(Maddox laughs) I told Sean my problem and Sean bet me how long it would take you to accuse me of being a libertarian.

Maddox: Yep! (laughs)

Dick: What's the clock, Sean?

Sean: 3:46. I won the over.

Dick: You fuck!! FUCK! (Maddox laughs) So Sean said 3 minutes and I said under, 'cause I thought it was the first thing you'd say.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh…(stammers) I built up to it.

Dick: You win the bet.

Maddox: But, I…that was in regards to my dad. At least the context was my dad, there.

Dick: Yeah, but you said "You all".

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You lumped me in.

Maddox: That's true. That's true.

Dick: Yeah. Your dad's that hardcore about income tax, huh?

Maddox: Oh, yeah. He carries little slips of paper, he says, "Can you prove to me that the 16th amendment was ratified?" Meanwhile, the sales clerk is like that zit-covered guy in the Simpsons, like, (goofy voice) "Oh, well, sir. Uhh, I just have to charge you taxes." He's a fucking 16-year-old kid, dad. Leave him alone. He doesn't know shit.

Dick: Yeah, but that's a good negotiating tactic.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can negotiate anything.

Maddox: That's true.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: People…people are pussies.

Dick: I don't wanna pay tax. Fuck you.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: Like, doesn't matter why. Go take it up with your manager, right? Did he get the couch!? Did he have to pay sales tax?

Maddox: Of course! They're not gonna waive taxes. I think they gave him a discount because…

Dick: (interjects) Ahhhhh! There you go! No tax! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: They didn't…you know…okay, sure, Dick. But they gave him a discount…

Dick: (interjects) Well, sales tax, the onus is on the seller, not on the buyer.

Maddox: Umm…

Dick: It's just that…yeah, yeah. Sales tax has to be paid by the seller.

Maddox: Yeah, that's true.

Dick: So they pass it onto you…

Maddox: And that's why…yeah. They pass it on to you.

Dick: They can take it on the chin.

Maddox: Well, they did, because my dad was…was a disabled veteran and he used his military card for that.

Dick: Ohohoho.

Maddox: He got a…oh yeah. He's really milking…

Dick: Oh, well. Guess where the military gets all their goddamn funding.

Maddox: Taxes!!!

Dick: Income taxes.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: So I…you remember the episode…the Solutions episode when I brought in Time Travel?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And we almost immediately discovered that it was not a solution, but actually a huge problem?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Primar…because of the paradox a little bit, but also because I would only use it to do bad things.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like steal intellectual property and murder people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Like the time machine that you're in in the present, that you're just doing bad things all the time.

Dick: Right. (Maddox chuckles) Except throughout time.

Maddox: Yeah. Throughout time. Yeah. (grins)

Dick: I found a list of all the people I would murder throughout time.

Maddox: (laughing) Oooookay.

Dick: If I had a time machine. Starting in 10 AD, Emperor Wang Mang of the Zin Dynasty introduced an unprecedented income tax at the rate of 10% of profits.

Maddox: Unprecedented, huh?

Dick: Yeah. This is…by the way, this is a list of all the people in history who... (grins)

Maddox: (interjects) I know. I know what this is, Dick. Right when you started, I'm like, "I bet these are people who introduced taxes throughout history."

Dick: 1188, uh…Saladin…the Saladin tithe was introduced by Henry II to raise money for the third Crusade.

Maddox: Yeah, but Saladin is a cool name! It sounds like Aladdin plus Salad.

Dick: It's money for war. All of these…all of these taxes are money for war.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what I found in looking through this.

Maddox: War is cool!

Dick: Uh…war…(cracks up) (Maddox laughs) War is not fucking…yeah, it's cool…it's COOL, but I don't wanna work 10% of the year of my life funding it!

Maddox: My dad's disabled and he got a discount on a couch 'cause of war! Fuck you! How do you argue against that?! (laughs)

Dick: What kind of couch was it? I'll tell you.

Maddox: Eh, it was a shitty couch.

Dick: Ohoho!!!

Maddox: It was a…it was one of those pleather…not even pleather. What's the…what's the fabric? (stammers) Don't buy a fabric couch, people. That shit always stinks.

Dick: Naugahyde?

Maddox: Alright. Anyway. Who else? Who else do you wanna murder becaue they…they…

Dick: Sir Robert Peale.

Maddox: 'Kay.

Dick: Income Tax of 1842. Uh…supposed to be temporary.

Maddox: Another cool name. Sounds like orange peel.

Dick: 1961, USA Civil War Tax, 3%. 1894, 2% peacetime income tax of fewer than 10% of…oh, bla, bla, bla, bla, bla.

Maddox: Who did…so, Dick, I gotta play Devil's Advocate here. So who…

Dick: (interjects) Don't play…everyone hates Devil's Advocate.

Maddox: No, they…just you hate it, because you hate being challenged intellectually.

Dick: That's right.

Maddox: I don't necessarily disagree with you, Dick. Like, look. I'm telling you right now, I don't necessarily disagree with you, but how do you…how do you answer…

Dick: It's 'cause you know what's good for you. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: How do you answer opponents of your argument who say "We need taxes to pay for the roads and pay for the military, and pay for blablablabla." And social services, like libraries, and fire departments, and police officers, your favorite, I'm sure. But how do you…what's your response to that?

Dick: Throw it on Kickstarter, then. Throw it on fucking Kickstarter.

Maddox: You're just gonna Kickstarter everything? Then what if you get a…

Dick: (interjects) Well you know what? And this is my actual response. And I don't wanna get into it, 'cause it's, like, it's too goofy to get into.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Who…who needs that infrastructure the most? Rich…rich companies. Like, what…who needs all of that shit to protect themselves?

Maddox: Yeah, they benefit. Yeah. They benefit the most.

Dick: Steve Jobs.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Uh…Bill Gates. All the…all the billionaires of the world. They need that sh…who needs lighthouses? Companies that are importing shit. Let them fuckin' pay for it.

Maddox: But wouldn't…couldn't you also say that the middle class also needs those companies to provide those jobs?

Dick: Don't need it as bad. Who NEEDS it? Who can't live without it, are the rich.

Maddox: Isn't it an engine, though, Dick. And the middle class and lower class kinda fuel that engine and create commerce, so that these companies can grow big, and we need that because we have the taxes that pay for the roads and pay for the defense that supports this infrastructure, like, it's a machine, and it's an engine, and it's a well-oiled thing, and yeah, they're a little bit high sometimes and they're not al…there's…there's misappropriation of funds, and pork-barrel spending, and all this other shit.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: But the system kinda works. Can't you say that? Can't you agree to that?

Dick: I'm…we're in a system where the average guy's gotta spend 10% of his life working for free.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Not okay with that. Whatever this system is…whosever designing it…it's not worth it.

Maddox: Well, it's not free if you're reaping the benefits of some of the stuff. Like, if you send your kids…

Dick: Naaah.

Maddox: You get social security. If you send your kids to kid prison, as you call it.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: You're reaping the benefits of your taxes, right?

Dick: Hey. I don't wanna get into which of these things are not providing value.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.

Dick: Because it's all…it's all subjective.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's all debatable.

Maddox: Is there anyone else you'd murder, Dick? Throughout time? Is there any other…

Dick: You, before you started playing Devil's Advocate.

Maddox: Great!!! (laughs) Great, Dick.

Dick: Yeah. 3.4 trillion is federal income every year. Between 40% and 50%, I think 42% is generated by the income tax.

Maddox: That's more than I made last year.

Dick: 3.4 trillion?

Maddox: Yeah. I didn't make that much.

Dick: That's a shame. You should.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uhhh…USA, let's see where we rank on the…Russia. Russia's income tax could be up to 87%. Can you believe that?

Maddox: You know, I don't know if that's true.

Dick: China's 62. I got it off Wikipedia. It's gotta be true. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Gotta be true! Well, uh…you know those super rich, Russian…a lot of them have, like, mob ties. There's a lot of Russian oil money.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And they just have money on money. And same thing with Saudi. By the way, Saudi princes…I have never met anyone from Saudi Arabia who WASN'T a prince. Is there…do you guys have any normal fucking citizens over there? (Dick chuckles) Is everyone a fucking prince? Ever…(stammers) you guys just come around flashing your fucking money, your wads of bills at us, and then buying your shitty Patron at bars.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You get table service like you're big fuckin' ballers. (angry) Why don't you hop on a treadmill?! They all have, like, big fat asses. Obesity. Big problem.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: For Sau..(laughs) For Saudi princes.

Dick: And this. Whatever this move is, where they do the hand snaps in the air. (Maddox laughs) That's a big problem. They gotta stop doing that.

Maddox: You're not a fan of the hand snaps?

Dick: No, no, no. I brought in…I brought in a budget of what the money actually gets spent on, if you're interested in that at all.

Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it. I know…I know what number one is by far.

Dick: Military.

Maddox: Defense, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We spend more on defense than I think the next three companies combined. Countries combined.

Dick: Can you believe…can you believe that?

Maddox: It's nuts. Our defense spending is so…

Dick: So many…what's this 10%...or, the numbers were from 10% to 15% of the year. My own figures were 10%. I did the math. What is that out of…50 weeks, 5 days a week, that's 250 working days. 25 days. That is about…how many months is…that's about a month and a half of labor that you're working to fund the government, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So what's 25% of that? That's, like, what…seven…that's like a week and a half.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Everybody's working for free.

Maddox: Make bullets!

Dick: To make bullets and bombs. So…so the B-2 bomber can fly over Dodgers Stadium. Awesome!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: How much did that cost me?!!?

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Have you ever seen a movie called the Fog of War?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Okay, you fucking morons who liked Guardians of the Galaxy? You wanna see a real good movie?!? Go see Fog of War, you dipshits!!!!!!!! (stammers) Learn something!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, Fog of War, Dick, they talked about that. They talked about…I think it was president Truman who, when he was signing off one of his last days of his presidency, he warned American about the coming military industrial complex and why the B-52 bomber will never be decommissioned.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Or I think it was one of the stealth…not the B-52, maybe it was another stealth bomber. Because there is a part built in every state for that bomber. And it is…

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: It is so politically unpopular to decommission that, because it'll be loss of jobs across all the states. That…that plane will never be decommissioned.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They'll always replace it with something and keep manufacturing that. And they have to, because it's jobs and it's politically unpopular!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So…what do you say about that?

Dick: About what? That the military's never shrinking?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think that's a shame.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: As much as I love having a gigantic military and being, like, a force of fear over the face of the globe.

Maddox: Yeah. Do you think America is imperialistic?

Dick: Of course!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you think that taxes are…

Dick: Are funding that.

Maddox: Do you think that…

Dick: (interjects) Get your life back.

Maddox: Do you think that if they, say…spent more money on education, that it would make things better?

Dick: Look. Spend it. But if you're gonna take my money to do it, at least come at me with a gun or a knife, and say "Empty your fucking pockets, we're building a school."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Don't…don't make me pay for some asshole with a gun to come shake me down. Do it yourself! 'Cause that's what you're doing! (angry)

Maddox: OOOokay.

Dick: When I walk past a bum on the street who asks me for money. Can I get a dollar to buy a meal?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I can say no.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Might say yes if there's a chick around, but I'll probably say no. (Maddox chuckles) The income tax is a cop coming up, saying "Give him a dollar. Then give me a dollar for making you do that. And then give that lady over there a dollar for making sure that I make you do that." That's what it is to me.

Maddox: You know what, Dick?

Dick: And fuck it!

Maddox: (laughs) You're making Lady Liberty's pussy wet by…by paying your taxes.

Dick: Hours wasted. 6.1 billion hours per year people spend in American calculating their fucking taxes. Heh. Which you have not done yet, but I've been doing it all week.

Maddox: Yeah. That shit pisses me off. I just…dump everything into a database.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I got scripts. Yeah. Anyway, Dick. Yeah, that's a big problem. Anything else?

Dick: Uhhhhhhhh…(sighs) No, I think that's it. I brought in some dumb pie chart. How do you like that? Cool pie chart.

Maddox: Yeah, there's a pie chart. What does it say?

Dick: Eh, who cares.

Maddox: Okay. (Sean laughs) Great. Good job, Dick.

Dick: (giggles) I brought in a bar graph, too. Pretty cool.

Maddox: Yeah, I see bars and graphs.

Dick: What do you think? What do you think?

Maddox: I thought it was just some…

Dick: (interjects) Grade my graph.

Maddox: Uh, zero. F. F minus.

Dick: Alright. (grins)

Maddox: F minus. There you go.

Dick: It's a graph of, like, what the adjusted tax rate is. (clears throat) What the adjusted tax rate is between the poor and the rich. And including state and local taxes, the poor actually pay a lot.

Maddox: Yeah. You know, Dick, I'm kind of on board with this problem. I'm not going to completely shit on it. It is…it is a problem. Uh, but I think it's more the misappropriation of spending than the income tax itself.

Dick: You have no right to my money.

Maddox: Well, that's not what the law says, buddy. Sorry. Sorry, take it up with Emperor Zin from the, uh…fourth century BC?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, Dick. I got the real…the real biggest problem.

Dick: What is it?

Maddox: Right after obesity. And an actual cause of obesity. Bacon worship!!

Dick: Oh, God. (disgusted)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I hate that shit.

(Sound clip: Clapping)

Maddox: That's a fucking problem. I am so fucking tired of bacon worship. You know, Dick…you know there is a church of bacon?

Dick: They ruined bacon!

Maddox: Yeah. It's totally ruined. There's a…when I searched for "bacon worship" on Google, the first thing that came up is "The United Church of Bacon" and it's a…it's a stupid parody religion. It says it's a real religion. Here's their "About" page. By the way, this is…Penn Jillette has something to do with this. It's friends of Penn Jillette who set this up.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: 'Cause he…I guess, I don't know. They love bacon. It says, "Get married before bacon." About the Church of Bacon. From their "About" page. It says, "The United Church of Bacon is a real, legal church based in Las Vegas, Nevada, with over 4000 members worldwide. We chose a funny bacon name to expose how wrong it is for society to give automatic respect and special legal privileges to religions." They're pushing their little agenda. Their atheist agenda, here. (Dick giggles) "Is our saying 'we worship bacon' really any stranger than Catholics who say that comm…"

Dick: Oh, Goooooooood.

Maddox: And they're real ballsy.

Dick: We get it!

Maddox: Goin' after Catholics. They…(stammers) "Catholics who say the Communion wafers become the body of Christ. Unlike God, who is invisible, at least we can see bacon." (goofy voice) "Bacon is demonstrably real." Uh, science. I fucking love science! I fucking love bacon! Fuck you, man! I'm tired of this shit! I'm tired of this hive mind! These fucking idiots have ruined bacon! I don't even want it anymore.

Dick: They do! No, me neither.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Yeah, you know what? Why don't you…why don't you throw Allah on that list while you're running your mouth? (grins)

Maddox: Exactly. Yeah. You think you're such a tough guy?

Dick: Catholics are stupid?

Maddox: Pushing around Christians, huh? Oh, those fucking vicious Christians. The biggest pussy religion ever, by the way. Christians. They do nothing. Maybe at one time, they had some teeth, but fucking Christians! They're everyone's punching bag!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I mean, (stammers) you can more easily make fun of Christians than any other religion. You make fun of a Buddhist, people are like, "Hey man. Chill. You sound like a bully." But everyone's…Christians are punching bags! And then Jews. Jews would, I would say, next. People make fun of Jews all the time, but not too much, 'cause you're anti-Semitic.

Dick: No, they love it, because they know that no…no publicity is bad publicity. (Maddox cracks up) That's why they welcome it.

Maddox: And then Muslims…so there's only one speed on Muslim, and it's hate. (Dick laughs) Like, no one makes fun of Muslims, they either say nothing, or they hate them. (laughs) So that's our country right now. That's the barometer of our country.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, and Mormons are fair game. (cracks up) Um, so…

Dick: They love it, too. They're taking tips from the Jews, I think. With their PR. The Mormons.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. They have a…they have a huge PR company behind them, too. They have a huge PR firm.

Dick: Smart. Very smart.

Maddox: I…it's all Mormons. Which, by the way, if you've never seen Mormon the musical, I highly recommended. And when I went to see it in the playbook for the play, the biggest sponsor was the Mormon church.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They said, "Hey, you're interested in Mormon the musical, why don't you read the source material?"

Dick: Yeah. Sure.

Maddox: And they say check out the book of Mormon.

Dick: It's even funnier.

Maddox: (guffaws) I think it's a cheeky move. I like it. Um, bacon worship, dude. I'm so fucking sick of it…like, when I go to restaurants now and they offer bacon on the menu, even if it's, like, some fancy bacon. There's a place that has this candy bacon that I get.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: On, you know. They make salads and sandwiches and stuff, and it's so fucking good, but I have to order it…

Dick: (interjects) I just don't even care about it.

Maddox: I don't even make eye contact with the waiter when I say it, and you know, I kinda say it under my breath…"And then the bacon." Because I don't wanna sound like I'm one of those fucking zealots. These bacon worshippers. Here…like, I can't even go 5 minutes on a social network without seeing some stupid, fucking idiot bacon recipe.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Listen to…listen to some of these. These are some stupid bacon recipes. Bacon-wrapped potatoes stuffed with mac and cheese. Talk about obesity. That's just a big…that's just lard. That is lardass munch. Alright?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's what you feed lardasses in a trough. Bacon-wrapped potatoes stuffed with mac and cheese. You fat fucks! Do you need to put food in food? Aren't we over this now?

Dick: Naaaah, it is fun. I had some bacon-wrapped tri-tip that I made last night. It was pretty good.

Maddox: You made bacon-wrapped tri…

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: That does sound good. (Dick laughs)

Dick: But I didn't take pictures of it and put it on Facebook. (laughing)

Maddox: No. (disgusted) Yeah, you didn't fucking jizz all over your fucking bacon-wrapped tri-tip. You just ate it and fucked off.

Dick: Well, I did do that, but…(laughs)

Maddox: Great. The Pilgrims already did food stuffed in food, guys. We got stuffing in turkey. We don't need it in anything else. Bacon cracklin' pancake with salted honey. Ugh. Bacon-wrapped onion rings? Why? Pull-apart bacon bread? That's like monkey bread, but with bacon? (stammers) Why?!!? Why? Why are you doing this? It's just bread and bacon. Who cares? It's bread and bacon.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then there's bacon jalapeno poppers. That shit…you're just taking an appetizer and adding more appetizers to it.

Dick: Why is it so annoying, though?

Maddox: I don't know. It just…

Dick: (interjects) Like, I don't know why that is, either. I don't wanna just hate on it without knowing why.

Maddox: Listen to this one. This one's an actual recipe. Grape tomatoes with bacon.

Dick: Grape tomatoes? With bacon?

Maddox: Grape tomatoes with bacon. That's not a recipe, idiots! You're just taking two things on your kitchen counter and then putting them next to each other! (angry)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's not a fucking…that's not a meal. That's not a recipe! You didn't do anything! You…you can make bacon with anything on the counter. Literally, just throw bacon down on the counter. Here's bacon with a spoon! Here's bacon with some cereal! Here's bacon with some eggs. Like, whatever you have on your counter! Bacon with some basil! Fuck it. Basil bacon.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Idiots.

Dick: Green eggs and bacon.

Maddox: Yeah, sure. Why not?! Bacon waffles. That's a thing. Sweet bacon chicken bites. Bacon and bean sandwich. And then, this…the bacon and bean sandwich, I saw this on Pinterest. And then in parentheses, it said "Quick and satisfying". And it just looks like shit. It's a piece of Wonderbread, white Wonderbread, with a slathering of just runny barbecue beans, and then bacon on top. And then one slice of processed cheese.

Dick: It's like a Wild West breakfast.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That's not a…designer meal.

Maddox: Oh, but Dick, it's quick AND satisfying.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Bacon…bacon-wrapped asparagus. Alright, I guess you found a way to make asparagus edible.

Dick: God, I feel sorry for people who are just on their way to lunch right now…(Maddox laughs) and have to listen to you read this delicious list of food.

Maddox: Ohhh, fuck you!

Dick: It is delicious! It's the worship that I hate! Bacon is delicious. You can't deny that.

Maddox: Yeah, fine!

Dick: Surely you're not denying that.

Maddox: No! It tastes good. I like it.

Dick: It's the worship!

Maddox: I just want everyone who won't shut the fuck up about it to die.

Dick: There's some weird, perverse fetishism with it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Isn't it…I don't know.

Maddox: Maple bacon cookie dough truffles…more fucking food in food. They just keep trying to one-up each other and be fatter and fatter. Listen to this one. Ranch and bacon cheese balls. Barf!!!

Dick: Eh.

Maddox: What do you, never want to shit again? (Dick laughs) Jesus. (stammers) Listen to this one. This one pissed me off! "Make Ahead Bacon and Cheddar-Stuffed Mushrooms".

Dick: Eh.

Maddox: Barf, barf, barf. Everything in that is barf. And why is it make ahead, idiot? Make ahead for what? You think you gotta make this ahead for your fancy dinner party? Your platter, people are gonna come and you're gonna serve them cheddar in stuffed mushrooms?! That's what you're serving to people!? You gotta make that ahead?! You gotta put planning and forethought into this fucking…hors d-oeuvre, this shit hors-d'oeuvre that I wouldn't even serve to dogs. (disgusted)

Dick: You don't like…those sounded good.

Maddox: (stammers) Cheddar-stuffed mushrooms?!? (incredulous)

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: First of all, cheddar. Ugh. It's such a shit cheese to put on mushrooms. Cheddar is…sharp cheddar, maybe.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: How about some fucking sharp…Parmesan? Some aged Parmesan?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: With some bacon? Now you're talkin'. (grins)

Maddox: You know what, man? Bacon doesn't actually go with everything. It really doesn't.

Dick: No.

Maddox: That's…that cheddar…Parmesan mushrooms? I wouldn't add bacon to that. That doesn't sound like a good thing.

Dick: So why are these guys so annoying, though? Like, what is driving this?

Maddox: It's…it's hive mind. You know what's happened now, Dick. Is that people love bacon so much, or they claim to. That it has bullied other people into also liking bacon so that they don't seem uncool. I feel like people feel obligated to like bacon.

Dick: Yeah! I was just gonna say. I got it. It's this…it's the way people communicate with each other today, with only ideas and opinions that can in no way be offensive!

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: I love bacon! No way, me too!!!

Maddox: Whoa!!!

Dick: Wow!!

Maddox: Do you like Sriracha!!! (goofier voice)

Dick: Uhhhh, yeah, of course, I love Sriracha!! (goofier voice) Uh-guh-guh-guh-guh!!! I don't like Sriracha, by the way.

Maddox: What about zombies, and science?!?!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (stammers) Fucking epic! Shit, yeah! (laughs) Ah, man. Um…

Dick: That's what it is. That's what it is. It's the need…

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: The need to have something that everyone can talk about without risk of offense. I find that disdainful. I have disdain for it. That's why I hate it. That's why it rubs me the wrong way…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When people geek out on bacon or jerk off on bacon.

Maddox: It's code. Yeah, it's almost like a code. A little secret handshake. Which isn't secret, by the way. It's like people who are on Reddit. When they meet other people in real life who are on Reddit? Guys, it is the most popular social news website on the Internet. It's not that fucking amazing that you met someone else on it in real life!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's…Reddit isn't a secret handshake. Yeah, yeah. The narwhal thing. We get it. We get it.

Dick: What's that?

Maddox: Uh…(sighs)

Dick: I don't get that.

Maddox: You're supposed to mention…

Dick: (interjects) Don't explain it to me. I wanna not know it.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: So when someone tells me, I can look at them in the face, like, "What the fuck are you telling me about this narwhal?"

Maddox: It's bacon, Dick. It's all secret handshake to see how hip you are and to know if you're in the know, and you watch…you read all the same stupid webcomics. And you're on I Fucking Love Science, and you sit there at your altar of bacon and just fuck off.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Cashew butter and bacon soup. Listen to that. Cashew butter. First of all, I can almost not say it, because I can feel…the bile coming up my throat.

Dick: (mutters) Cashew butter and bacon soup…

Maddox: I'm gonna barf.

Dick: I don't know man, I can't picture these, like, I can't read a menu. When I read a menu and I see the ingredients, I have no fucking idea what it is.

Maddox: Oh, look at me, buddy.

Dick: I have, like, menu illiteracy.

Maddox: Okay. You know how I mentioned I was a fat guy?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Always trust a fat guy when it comes to food. And even a former fattie, like myself. I know good food when I see it.

Dick: You do know good food.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: You know very good food.

Maddox: Uh, listen to this one. Avocado-bacon eggroll. Barf! You take the crispiness of an eggroll…you add avocado to it, so it makes it mushy…

Dick: Yeah, that's disgusting.

Maddox: And then you add bacon to it, which is a flavor that's so savory, it doesn't belong in that weird…the taste of an eggroll is kinda subtle, 'cause it's kinda, like, mushy, and you have the cabbage and stuff in there, but bacon is just kind of overpowering. I would never want to eat bacon and soggy cabbage. Never! Ugh!!! I don't wanna eat any of those two things together, ever!

Dick: You know what else I hate about it? It's also…in this hive mind, like, this desire to bond with people without offense?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It stops short of something you actually enjoy. Like, if you're…there's a group of people that are like, "Oh, I love bacon." "Yeah, me too." (seal sounds) "Hey guys, I love getting blowjobs!" Right? (Maddox cracks up) And they're like, "Whoa, whoa, can't talk about that." "Oh, I'm sorry, we can talk about gluttonously cramming grease and fat down our throats, but you can't talk about a beautiful act of love?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Between a man and an obese woman? (laughs) (Sean and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: Hey, some obese women like to put your hog in their mouth. Uh…(laughs) Bacon...listen to this, Dick, this is called Bacon Explosion. It's chopped bacon wrapped in sausage, wrapped in bacon, slathered with barbecue sauce. Just fuck off, okay?!?! (Dick laughs) Fuck…you're not impressing anyone. I know all your buddies (goofy voice) "Hahaha, look, oh man, hey, let's go over to Joe's house, let's put steak and bacon and sausage in steak and bacon, and then put it in steak and sausage and bacon." Shut up! You're just making a mess. You're embarrassing yourself. And you know what, man? I think a lot of is was popularized by Epic Mealtime? Which, I know those guys. Those guys are really cool.

Dick: They're really cool?

Maddox: I like those…I like…yeah.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. No. They're good dudes. But, yeah man. I think a lot of it was popularized by that. And then the Oatmeal, there's a lot of comic events where they go around with Oatmeal and people…

Dick: It's just the safest comment you can make.

Maddox: It is, yeah.

Dick: And that's what I hate about it.

Maddox: It's safe. It's just like making fun of Christians.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's like…it's like liking Sriracha and talking about the zom…your plans for the zombie apocalypse!

Dick: Yeah, or saying, like, "Well, we need more education." Like, thanks, fuckhead.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: We just…is that just as true as it can be?

Maddox: Such a trite, obvious remark, too.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's all it is. Anyway, man. It pisses me off. This little secret handshake, which isn't secret. It is the most pedestrian, most common thing you can possibly glom onto. Latch yourself onto. It's…I'm tired of bacon, and I'm tired of stupid comic book shows. Comic book movies. That's why I hated Game of Thrones…or, what's its name…Guardians of the Galaxy so much.

Dick: Alright. Allllllllllllllllright!

Maddox: Tying it all together!

Dick: Let's not…let's not get back into that.

(Sound effect: Baby laugh)

Maddox: Anyway, Dick. That's my problem. Uh…

(Sound clip: Dick: "Three little words.")

Maddox: Bacon. Bacon worship, actually. (laughs)

Dick: Bacon. It's pretty good. What are your problems?

Maddox: So, my problems this week were Obesity and Bacon Worship, which go hand in hand.

Dick: My problem is Income Tax.

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: Good problem, Dick. Don't forget to vote on Bacon, Monkeys, and Obesity. Bacon worship. Uh…

Dick: Vote up hunger.

Maddox: (stammers) No!!!! (Dick cackles maniacally)

(Voice mail: (male voice, thick accent) "Hello. I am son of Saudi Arabian oil baron. (Maddox laughs) And I have a proposition for Mr. Maddox. If you watch movie Titanic and give proof, I will pay you 100,000 American dollars."

Dick: One hundred thousand bucks, dude.

"And give you Oculus Rift. If you do not, I will donate money to zoos so they can have more monkeys (Maddox laughs) and more snakes. Please call me back."

Dick: Maddox.

"And Mr. Dick, you are very cool dude. Keep up the good work."

Dick: I have that guy's number. Do you wanna take him up on it? He'll give you 100 grand for watching Titanic. You should do it.

Maddox: Yeah, I'm not calling that dude in Michigan. That is the worst Saudi Arabian accent I've ever heard. And by the way, I'm sure that guy's a prince. They're all fucking princes! (Dick guffaws) That's all that country produces, is princes!!

(Voice mail: (male voice) "You know, Maddox, I gotta say, after you listening to you talk about your leg day routine… (Maddox laughs) your argument against Guardians of the Galaxy was about as strong as your legs. Dick, go fuck yourself."

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Dick: Ugh, that's a…(inaudible)

Maddox: (interjects) You're gonna…if I ever meet that guy in real life, he's gonna find out how strong my leg is when it's twitching up his ass! (Dick cracks up) I'm fucking tired of this. I don't need shit!

Dick: Your leg is that small and chicken-y that it can fit up a man's ass?

Maddox: It's that strong that it'll tear a hole wide enough that my leg can fit through. Which, by the way, is the diameter of the Epcott Center, by the way. (laughs)

Dick: Your leg? It's that thick?

Maddox: Yeah. I got thick legs.

Dick: Man, I had a leg today and I'm sore.

Maddox: Oho, I bet.

Dick: What the hell is that supposed to mean? (laughs)

Maddox: Well….third leg day. (laughs)

Dick: That's every day. Work that out every day.

Maddox: Gross.

(Voice mail: (male voice with accent) "Good day, gents. This is Sean Connery. I have a couple of things I'd like to say. Maddox, the ladies don't piss out of their clits. (Maddox and Dick laugh) That sounds like a …(unintelligible) Yours truly, Sean Connery."

(Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, I got a lot of shit. I know girls don't piss our of their clits, guys. I know they have a pee hole somewhere.

Dick: Now!! You know now! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! I invented female genitalia! Don't tell me this shit!

(Dick guffaws)

(Voice mail: (male voice, no accent) "Hey Maddox, Jackie Chan calling in. (Maddox laughs) Just wanted to give you a big thank you for acknowledging my movie Rush Hour finally. "

Maddox: Yeah!

"For the first time, when you mentioned the fact that in Guardians of the Galaxy, when Chris Pratt dances to distract the enemy…"

Maddox: Chris Tucker, idiot. (Dick laughs)

"Uh…Chris Tucker dances during the scene after he blows up the car."

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, okay.

"Really good example, except that in Rush Hour 3, that actually fucking happen, you dipshit! In Rush Hour 3, me and Chris Tucker actually…"

Dick: Me and Chris Tucker. (laughing) (Maddox giggles)

"…to distract the enemies from fighting in the third movie! But this is coming from the same asshole that dared to mention my movie as a "black versus black Chinese white guy comedy!!""

Dick: I don't know what he's talking about at this point.

"In your article, you wrote…"

Maddox: He has trouble with the English language. (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly)

"Like 15 billion years ago…you acknowledged my movie as a good cop bad cop, black cop white cop."

Dick: So what you think…you're saying this is…(cracks up)

(keeps ranting)

Dick: I have to stop this. It's a Jackie Chan transcription read by the worst Jackie Chan impersonator ever. (Maddox cracks up) He does have trouble with his diction and syntax.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. (grins)

Dick: Lemme listen to that.

"I'm fucking Asian! I'm not white. I'm not black. Chris Tucker's black! I'm Asian. I'm not black and white cop…"

Dick: Maybe…(cracks up)

(Still rants) "…who can't tell the difference between creativity like there is in Guardians of the Galaxy, and shit!! Because he just doesn't have the proof, or the…")

Dick: (laughing) This is a racist Asian accent read at a completely normal English accent. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: This is Jackie Chan's real voice. He hams it up for movies.

Dick: Oh, yeah. (cracks up) (Maddox chuckles) I knew that one would be funny somehow…(dying of laughter)