Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 45

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy?! (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Welcome back. Welcome back, people. Alright, Dick. Right out the gates!

Dick: Alllright. You're full of fire today.

Maddox: Oh, you bet.

Dick: I wonder why that is.

Maddox: Yeah. It's no particular reason, but let's get to, uh…the votes from last week.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Shall we? Uh…Well-Intentioned Idiots. The Number One problem from last week, Dick.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It CLEEANED house.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Followed by…The Huffington Post. The Number Two problem last week! Both my problems.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Both problems I brought in. (grins)

Dick: Clean sweep. (grins)

Maddox: What a hero. What an intellectual hero. (Dick giggles) And then, Unsolicited Advice, that was John Morrison's problem.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: I'm shocked that that didn't win. Unsolicited advice is so much more annoying than well-intentioned idiots. You know what I think it was?

Maddox: What?

Dick: I think it was my Obamacare tag at the very end of your argument.

Maddox: Oh…(cracks up)

Dick: That really won people over.

Maddox: You think that's what it was? (grins)

Dick: Yeah. I saw a guy in the comments saying that I ruined it with my Libertarian agenda. (giggles)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: By say…by mentioning Obamacare at the end of it. Ah, come on, man.

Maddox: That…that should be a space on the square. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Libertarian agenda?

Maddox: You know…the…yeah. Your libertarian agenda. (Dick guffaws) Uh, so awhile back, that guy…uh, what's his name? Call the Cops, IDGAF, whatever.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Made that Bingo scorecard that another fan randomized it and created a playable sheet, so I guess we can link to it again this episode. And you can play along at home. Play Bingo. Biggest Problem Bingo. Then it was Smart Phone Fact-Finding Fuckheads.

Dick: Fuckheads. But it was in the negatives.

Maddox: In the negatives. Which means…

Dick: (interjects) Well, that makes sense, because everyone does it. That's their addiction. Of course they're not gonna vote for it.

Maddox: Do you…do you do that, Dick?

Dick: No. No, I don't.

Maddox: You don't? No?

Dick: I really aggressively try not to look anything up.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Not even, like, the spelling of words?

Dick: Yeah. Any knowledge.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I reject it.

Maddox: Alright, uh…Sean, can you mark the time that Dick said that for this episode, it'll make it easier…(cracks up)

Dick: Oh, stop!

Maddox: For a Dick Versus Dick. Um, and then it was Kid Prison. -613. Kid Prison. Your clever wordplay.

Dick: Elementary school, basically.

Maddox: On elementary school.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Grades K through 12.

Dick: I'm shocked that that got so far in the negatives.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did…did everyone really like elementary school? Do they think they're doing a good job?

Maddox: Dick, it's an important building block for crucial thinking and all knowledge that we get in life. Like, we have to have those…those mental processes and the things that we learn in school are important.

Dick: Critical thinking?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Being taught by a bunch of 24-year-old chicks straight out of college? (Maddox chuckles) That's just teaching our kids criti…critical thinking is taught by a bunch of people who can't even band together to get a decent wage? Critical thinking is being taught by people who have to bring their own Kleenexes to classrooms 'cause they can't get a bunch of asshole school board people to buy it for them! That's who's teaching critical thinking!? Good luck! Kid prison!

Maddox: Yeah, here's some critical thinking. Here's some critical thinking for you, Dick.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's an ad hominem fallacy. Why don't you look that up?

Dick: Nope.

Maddox: So…(chuckles) Yeah.

Dick: I should…I shoulda learned it in elementary school!

Maddox: You should have! (Dick giggles) Yeah. If you have dipshit teachers, yeah, you might not have the best education, but if you get a really good teacher, they teach you critical thinking, that's one of the most important tools to have in your life.

Dick: Oh! I'm pissed that I used that in the live show.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause I really wanna get into it now.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Kid…what, kid prison?

Dick: That's a lot of…a lot of kids' time. When you're a kid. So much of your time is just wasted doing nothing.

Maddox: Yeah, um…

Dick: Just wasted spinning gears, babysitting you so your parents can work.

Maddox: Wha…

Dick: (interjects) If you…if you think that kids have to be there all day, like it's necessary for them to be there all day to learn, like, whatever bullshit, whatever work book they're slugging through that day…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If you think that's necessary and not babysitting, I don't know what to say.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. Uh, do you have any examples of kids who, say, didn't go to school, or you know, dropped out of elementary…

Dick: (interjects) It's not about…like, either going or not. I'm just saying…

Maddox: It's less. You think…

Dick: A tremendous amount of time is wasted of these kids' lives!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: And it's not something to be proud of.

Maddox: Well, maybe you can bring it in as a differently named problem, Dick.

Dick: I'll bring it in as Elementary School next time. (grins)

Maddox: Elementary…okay. (laughs) Bring it in as Elementary School.

Dick: Not kid prison.

Maddox: Yeah. Because Kid Prison was some fancy…fancy wordplay, Dick. And, uh…

Dick: Why are you smiling? (grins)

Maddox: Well, I had a fan. His name is Greg Simon. He sent in this clip. It's a combination of…well, I'll let you listen and see if you like it.

Dick: Alright. I don't like it already.

Maddox: It's…(guffaws) it's a little bit Dick Versus Dick. And here's the specific example that he…that he found.

(Sound clip starts: (keyboard music)

Dick: "No, I'm more of…like a pie in the face kinda guy. (grins) I don't like a bunch of clever wordplay, alright? I don't like a bunch of clever wordplay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Cher sings "If I could Turn Back Time")

Dick: Ghostbusting the Patriarchy.

Dick: Illegal. Illegal. (laughs)

(Cher: "If I could find a way….")

Dick: The No Fun League!

Maddox: The No Fun League.

Dick: NFL. I didn't come up with that.

Maddox: Oh?

Dick: Yeah, I ripped that off.

Maddox: Why do you phrase it like that?!? (yells) Why do you say…your fucking phrasing on this is insane!

(Cher continues…"I don't know why I did the things I did."

Dick: Manspreading Discontent.")

Dick: That was a good one.

Maddox: Oh, real fancy wordplay there, Dick.

(Clip continues…

Dick: "Newscasterbation.")

(Dick and Maddox crack up)

Dick: That was a real good one.

(Cher continues to sing…

Dick: "Engineering Sexism.")

(Dick and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: Yeah.

(Dick: "Because it's a double thing.")

(Maddox laughs)

(Cher continues to sing…

Dick: "What problem couldn't be solved with a little bit of time travelling, Maddox?")

Maddox: And that's why he chose this song.

Dick: Oh, oh. Oh.

(Maddox: "Dick, here's something you can solve with time travel. Indignant Cohosts." Clip cuts off)

Maddox: Yeah, so, anyway, it goes on. It was a whole bunch of Dick Versus Dicks where you said you don't like clever wordplay…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And yet, many of your problems are clever wordplay, including Kid Prison, Dick. What do you have to say about that?

Dick: Uh…you know. Say one thing, do another. That's what America's all about, man. (Maddox giggles) That's what makes this country great.

(Sound clip: Dick: "That's ridiculous!!")

(Maddox laughs)

Dick: Are you done with that?

Maddox: Yeah, I'm done.

Dick: I got…you know, somebody wrote in about your problem of Well-Intentioned Idiots. Do you remember…I wish I could play the voice mail, but the guy left a 5-minute voice mail.

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: So I…I mean, I don't know what to do.

Maddox: Send it to me, I'll edit it.

Dick: I'm just gonna summarize it.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Star Wars Kid.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Basically, that guy got way more shit than this poor…that poor fat dancing guy.

Maddox: That's true!

Dick: And nothing happened to him. (chuckles)

Maddox: Where's his fucking dance party?

Dick: Where's his party?

Maddox: Although, there was a petition to have George Lucas put him in one of the Star Wars movies. (Dick chuckles) Which I believe never happened.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So, yeah. He…he got nothing.

Dick: Okay. Here's a voicemail for you.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys, it's Will from Florida, again. Hey, Maddox. Maybe your problems always get voted down because every single episode, you spend the first 10 minutes calling all of your fans idiots. (Maddox laughs) (Dick: Yeah, maybe that's why. (chuckles) And hey, Dick. Go fuck yourself."

Dick: Yeah. Alright.

Maddox: You know, you idiots, listen. If you think that being insulted in any way affects the score, or you think that it should, you're a fucking moron and you should throw yourself off a bridge! Look, if someone calls you an idiot, that doesn't change facts!! That doesn't change reality.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Just because you're a moron, doesn't mean that something should be a lesser problem than another. And by the way, you're wrong. My problems don't "always get voted down." I believe, like, seven of the top ten problems right now are mine.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So, eat a dick! How about that? And not my co-host.

Dick: Well, I think all of you guys are beautiful and smart and you should vote with your hearts.

Maddox: You fucking kiss-ass. (chuckles)

Dick: Here's another one. (grins)

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hi, my name is Slomo. I'm out here in Las Vegas and this message is for Sean. (Dick laughs) I am so glad to see another retarded audio engineer get a big gig like this one…(Dick, Sean, and Maddox crack up)I sure which you could delete my extra chromosome, though…Dick, you are right. I agree with a lot of your opinions. ( Dick: He's talking about me.) 'Cause you also seem to be retarded.")

Dick: Ooookay. (Sean cracks up) (Maddox laughs) Slo Mo.

Maddox: (laughing) Slo Mo.

Dick: Was that guy's name. (cracks up)

Maddox: Seems like his parents…that was a self-fulfilling prophecy. With that name.

Dick: Yeah.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey, Maddox. Big fan since the beginning, back in the day. I've always checked Biggest…errr..your website for new updates. (Maddox: Alright) Just wanted to call and say Dick, fuck you, and fuck your man. (Dick: Oh.)And then blow your man and taste his hot load. (Dick: Alllllllllright.) Fuck you, you're an asshole. Fuck his problems.")

Dick: (giggles) Wow. (Maddox laughs) See, if he would have stopped in the middle of that to look up the name of your website, it would have ruined the voice mail. Smartphone fact-finding fuckheads.

Maddox: Or he could have just known it. Everyone knows it. It's…I got a comment.

Dick: Wait, wait, wait. I do have a man update, since you brought up my man.

Maddox: Oh yeah? What's your man update?

Dick: I got a text from him. Lemme read it. Um, he says, "Hey Dick, I listened to…" Oh, I get this out of nowhere after I told that story about Chump Syndrome?

Maddox: Yeah. And he doesn't listen to the podcast, does he?

Dick: He does. Uh…

Maddox: Oh, woops. (laughs)

Dick: He said, "I listened to it with the Duchess." He happened to be with her when he was listening to it.

Maddox: Oh, okay. (grins)

Dick: "Uh, she told me to tell you that the toilet is fixed." So they're back to pooping inside.

Maddox: Good.

Dick: And…AND! He's back to sleeping in the bed.

Maddox: So, what was…uh, just a refresher. What happened in that story?

Dick: Well, her ex went a little nuts, um…apparently…he also says that the last time…the last thing anyone heard from the guy who got the Chump Syndrome, who lost the girl…a man…The Duke of Weed, lost a girl, apparently.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: And now my man is shacked up with her.

Maddox: Okay. So this is…so your man shacked up with this dude's ex-girlfriend.

Dick: Yep. Yeah.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Uh, the guy…the quote from the guy, he said, "I don't care if I go to prison for the rest of my life…if your man shows up, I'll rip his throat out." So…(Maddox laughs) Chump Syndrome's really got a hold of him, I guess. But at least he's back to sleeping in the same bed.

Maddox: Yeah. That's quite a…quite a grip. Chump syndrome.

Dick: Yeah! (chuckles)

Maddox: Um…

Dick: Quite a set of pussy grapes on the guy. I don't know. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: More clever wordplay! Pie in the face kinda guy. (Dick giggles) I got a comment on YouTube.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: From EddieWood. So, we…we showed our very last live episode that we shot at the YouTube space…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And a lot of people were actually really upset that we're not gonna be having more of those. Um, it was kind of an experiment. We're seeing if that format works. What works and what doesn't about it.

Dick: You know, where I think we fucked up is not giving the story of how that show came to be.

Maddox: Oh, go ahead?

Dick: Which was that YouTube came to you…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause you won an award. From YouTube this week, right?

Maddox: I did, but that's not why they came to me, yeah.

Dick: Well, but, 'cause you're a big YouTube trendsetter. You're like a bigshot.

Maddox: Uhhh, yeah. (uncertain)

Dick: They didn't come to me.

Maddox: No. No. (as though it's obvious)

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox guffaws) Do you hear that? You hear the inflection on his voice? (grins)

Sean: Who's not allowed on YouTube!

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) Who's not allowed on YouTube.

Maddox: Yeah. They came to me and they tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hey, we really like what you're doing here." Uh, that's not like an endorsement of any of my work, obviously, but they said that they like…they like people who put out good quality content on YouTube.

Dick: Which means getting hits.

Maddox: Uh, no. No. It doesn't. It doesn't.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Because…yeah, of course not. There's a ton of channels on there that get millions of views and hundreds of thousands of subscribers. In fact, I know…some of my friends at the YouTube space have more subscribers than I do.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And more views than I do, but it's not about that. It's…they were really trying to find people who they felt would be able to carry a talk show.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And, uh…yours truly was one of 'em, so. That's how that show came to be. They said, "You know, let's do this pilot program. See how this goes." And, you know…

Dick: (interjects) And they had specific stipulations on what they were looking for. Like, a 15-minute, you know…mini talk show.

Maddox: Yeah, pro…yeah. About that. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…and so, yeah. We pared it down and tried to see if we could do a shorter form format. I think that, um…some things worked, some things didn't, but we'll be experimenting more in the future. It's not the last of live shows. And we may be doing live shows on tour at some point.

Dick: Oh, that would be fun.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, yeah. Totally. But I think…the comment we're getting about the show a lot is people wanna see the long form version.

Maddox: Lot of people wanted to see the long form, which was surprising to me. And…the videos surprisingly do have pretty good retention rates, so eat that, Maddox. Um…then…anyway, I got a comment from that last episode from EddieWood. He said, "The real biggest problem in the universe is black people."

Dick: (scoffs) Okay.

Maddox: Uh…more of our enlightened fan base out there. (Dick chuckles) And then someone wrote back in response to him… Rdipthecuss…curse…whatever. These stupid fucking YouTube handles. I don't give a shit. I'm not gonna…I'm gonna stop reading these, they're so stupid.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Anyway, he said, "Blacks don't matter. The problem is Jews."

Dick: Ohhhhhh.

Maddox: Or…(cracks up) "Or clever retorts." And then Roger Levy says, you know, Dick that last episode. You and John Morrison seemed to really hit it off on the couch and he said, "Was Dick flirting with John?" He's asking.

Dick: Um, I'm always flirting with everyone, all the time.

Maddox: Okay. I feel so uncomfortable now.

Dick: I can't turn it off.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's how straight I am.

Maddox: (cracks up) I don't think that's straight, Dick.

Dick: No, no. That's the definition.

Maddox: Eeeeehhhh.

Dick: Hit on everybody, just in case.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Even men. That's pickup artist 101. You always gotta be hitting on everybody. Even if it's a guy. You gotta be practiced picking up guys to pick up women better.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what pickup artists do, man.

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Uh, I think there's another word for that. (Dick laughs) Or…

(Sound clip: Dick: "Three little words.")

Maddox: Gay. (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Alright, um. You wanna do a problem?

Maddox: Yeah. Let's do it. Dick, uh…I teased this a couple of episodes ago and I'm finally bringing it in. My biggest problem in the world…in the universe…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Or at least the United States. Is Utah.

Dick: Aaaaaaaaaaah!!!! Alright.

Maddox: Utah, Utah, Utah.

(Sound clip: Clapping)

Maddox: The state of Utah. I went back there recently, Dick. Uh, to…to make a little visit. Pit stop. In and out. Two nights. Just uh…probably, like, one night too many. Um, I'd almost forgotten how weird that state really is. And for a lot of people who live outside Utah, which is the majority of people. Utah is a state pretty much in the middle of America. It's not considered the Midwest, because for some reason, everyone in America thinks the Midwest is east of the middle of the country, so it's just kinda…

Dick: (interjects) The Midwest?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I count it at the Rockies.

Maddox: That's what you count it, but most people don't.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: When I say Utah, they don't consider that Midwest, I said, so, what is it?! Is it west? They're like "No, that's like California, and Oregon, and Seattle." And I'm like, "Well then what the fuck is it?!? What is it?! The Rockies?

Dick: Ehhhhh, it's the Midwest.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's gotta be.

Maddox: Nobody…you know what, though? You said Midwest to a Midwestern person, like somebody from Chicago, which is like more east, and they say, "No, no, Utah's not Midwest."

Dick: But that's what…nobody wants to be the Midwest. That's the problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they're all kinda…they all wanna talk their way out of it.

Maddox: I tell you what, man. I would have happily worn that label of Midwest when I…you know, if I was in Utah, I'd be like, "Yeah, fuckin'…I'm part of something." You know?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: At least instead of fucking neighbor to Idaho. Anyway, man. Um, here's something about Utah. Alright?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's a very conservative state. You know that, right?

Dick: (guffaws) Yeah, I've heard that.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And according to the Purdue Review, one of the basic tenets of conservatism is this: It is the idea that individuals and not governments have the power and responsibility to drive social and economic process, and that government works best when it is as small, local, and unobtrusive as possible.

Dick: Sounds like something I would say.

Maddox: Yeah, it does sound like something you would say.

Dick: Yeah, what…yeah. Okay.

Maddox: So that's a basic tenet of conservatism. Here are things that are illegal or restricted in Utah.

Dick: (chuckles) Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Grocery stores are not allowed to sell alcohol. No wine, no liquor. None. Instead of wine, Dick. I went to a grocery store and I walked down the aisle, and I was looking for wine with a friend of mine, who's not from Utah, and I said…I said to his friend, I said, "Listen, they don't sell any wine or alcohol here." They're like "No, that's impossible." So we walked down this aisle that looks like there's bottles and bottles and bottles of wine, and we looked at the labels, and it's all grape juice. They sell grape juice in wine bottles.

Dick: In its own aisle?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like a pretend wine aisle?

Maddox: Yeah. Like a pretend wine aisle. And it doesn't stop there. They sell pretend champagne. It's…it's sparkling cider.

Dick: Is it…then this is a religious thing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I…isn't it just as bad to be pretending like you're buying wine? Like, just buy the wine, then.

Maddox: No, apparently not. You're allowed to pretend to drink wine and pretend to drink champagne.

Dick: That's not an affront to God.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah. You can fake like it. Yeah.

Dick: Oh, that's weird.

Maddox: God's okay with fakers. Um, so…number two. Beer that is sold in Utah must be 3.2% alcohol by volume.

Dick: Oh, man. (disgusted)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I can't even imagine that.

Maddox: Oh yeah. I drank a Tall Boy in Utah and didn't even feel anything. I felt like I was just drinking water.

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: It's insane. Wine and liquor can only be sold at state-run liquor stores. So apparently that's okay.

Dick: Mmmm. (disdain)

Maddox: It's okay if the state sells it. Where the alcohol is more heavily taxed than anything else. Oh yeah, what's another tenet of conservatism? Low taxes, right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Except, apparently, when it comes to alcohol.

Dick: So they have a higher tax rate on their state-owned liquor stores?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Isn't that 100%? Like, they own the liquor. That's 100% tax.

Maddox: It's…

Dick: We own the liquor, we're selling it to you.

Maddox: They still buy the liquor from the manufacturers, though, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. So whatever they make, they're just raking in. And then they use that money to pass more legislation for more horseshit drinking laws! Like this one. It's illegal to buy alcohol from a neighboring state and bring it to Utah. Did you know that?

Dick: No.

Maddox: So if you…if you're tired of the shitty alcohol in Utah and say you wanna drive up to Wyoming…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Or a neig…you know, Nevada. Like a neighboring state.

Dick: Anywhere.

Maddox: And you buy alcohol and bring it back across the border, it's like smuggling cocaine across the border.

Dick: Isn't that unconstitutional?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I thought, like, the fourth article of the constitution was you can't fuck with interstate trade commerce.

Maddox: Oh, well, tell that to Utah.

Sean: Alaska's exactly the same way.

Dick: You can't bring alcohol into Alaska?

Sean: There's so many dry counties up there that they…you know, they sneak it in from other places, like in snowmobiles. It's like…it's serious contraband.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: So why the hell does anyone live there?

Maddox: In Utah?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, the way I always explain it to people is, it's a great place to start life and to end life. Uh, it's a…nice safe place…

Dick: Why? Why do you say that?

Maddox: Well, it's nice, safe, and quiet to raise kids.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And it's nice, safe, and quiet to die. Like, for retirement. If you're looking for a place to die quietly alone…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: With…you know, without the intrusions of partying and social life. Um, and the things that people look for in a city…

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Utah's a great place to do that. It's a great place to die. Um…

Dick: How did you end up there?

Maddox: I was born there.

Dick: Well, how did your family end up there?

Maddox: Ohhh. This is kinda interesting. So, my grandma…I have relati…I have family that came way back in the day from Syria.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: We're…ethnically Armenian people. My family's Armenian. And the Mormon church went to Syria as part of their missionary program.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they brought my grandma to Utah.

Dick: Great.

Maddox: As…as the first Mormon family from Syria to move to Utah. To Salt Lake City, Utah. (Dick gasps) Yeah. And my grandma, um…in fact, she knit…she hand-knit, like, a Persian-style rug…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Of all the Mormon leaders. The Mormon church leaders. And it's…to this day, it's in the Mormon museum.

Dick: WHAT?!?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hohoho. Wow!

Maddox: In Salt Lake City, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my family has some pretty…pretty deep roots in Utah. Um…

Dick: And they brought them in like, what, "Hey, check it out!"? This is…we conned these Armenians into being…like, this is an Armenian family, whooooooooooa?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They brou…like…was it, like, a spectacle?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like King Kong?

Maddox: Yeah, basically.

Dick: Sounds like it!

Maddox: And it's kind…it's weird. It's a really weird thing they do. They try…they import a lot of people. I dunno if they still do this. I think the missionaries go and they convert people in different countries and then they leave them there.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But, uh…my grandma…

Dick: They're setting up franchises now.

Maddox: Yeah. My grandma came over here as one of the first families.

Dick: Oh, that's interesting.

Maddox: Yeah. So here's some…here's some more crazy laws. Up until 2009, it was required to buy a membership to a bar if you wanted a drink. Do you know…have you ever heard of this, Dick?

Dick: Well, yeah, because there's some liquor licenses downtown that are contingent on laws like that. But they'll charge you, like…it's like a cover. You pay 5 bucks and then you're a member forever.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But, uh…

Maddox: That's a real thing. Wait, what do you mean, it's…

Dick: No, there are some bars downtown where their liquor license is grandfathered in and they don't wanna go through the rigmarole of getting a new liquor license, but it's…their liquor license is contingent on them being a membership bar.

Maddox: Ohhhhh.

Dick: So you have to pay 5 bucks at the door and it's like a "membership".

Maddox: Oh, interesting. Yeah. Well, this was a law on the books for all bars in Utah up until about 2009. So, uh…there was, like, a loophole. It was basically a big joke. You walked into a bar, they said, "Are you a member?" and you say "No, of course not, I'm not gonna fucking pay 15$ for every fucking bar I go to."

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah.

Maddox: So they'll…there'll be some guy sitting behind the doorman, named Carl, and the doorman'll say, "Hey Carl, you wanna sponsor this guy?" and without turning around, Carl'll be like, "Yep." (Dick chuckles) And you just walk right in. So that was a loophole.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That was a stupid, silly law. Now, if you're under the age of 35, you have to have your driver's license scanned and kept on file for a week if you got to…

Dick: At a bar?!?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, my God.

Maddox: Yeah. I had to…I double checked that one. I had to read that twice. It's pretty crazy. Because they're always trying to make it more difficult and more expensive to drink in Utah.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Uh, bartenders at restaurants are required to put up a "Zion Curtain" to pour mixed drinks, so that impressionable youth can't see them pouring alcohol.

Dick: What the hell's a Zion curtain?

Maddox: It's basically a curtain of purity.

Dick: Do you have to buy it from a special store?

Maddox: Uh, no. You can…it's some…it's either a curtain, an actual physical curtain, or frosted glass, or something. They can't pour alcohol within eyesight of a child.

Dick: Ugh. Okay.

Maddox: Or anyone, apparently. Because, you know, people are impressionable. They strictly measure 1.5 ounces of alcohol for every shot and they can't go over.

Dick: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuughhh!!! Now…I'm in the red now.

Maddox: Yep. (sighs) Yep. You want a double? Well, they can't pour it for you, but they can give you a shot and the drink you requested, and then hand you both, and then you mix them.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Um…restaurants aren't supposed to serve you alcohol until your food arrives. They're not allowed to.

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: So…yeah. And you can't go to a restaurant and order alcohol; you have to order food as well.

Dick: It's weird, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Would it be…so people don't go out to meet? In Utah?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Because how do you date?

Maddox: You don't.

Dick: But how do you? How do people? Just through the church?

Maddox: Um, through…pretty much through the church. I…I found…when I was living in Utah…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I found it incredibly difficult to date. Because if you are not part of the predominant religion, which is the Latter Day Saints. Uh, LDS. They don't like to be called Mormons. Uh…of course, you know, I did the episode of "Other N Words" a long time ago.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Talking about the "'M' Word". M is for Mormon. They don't like to be called Mormons, 'cause they say that that's a stereotype, or whatever, even though their basic tenet of belief…their basic book is the Book of Mormon. But they don't like to be called Mormons. Um, they like to be called LDS. Or Latter Day Saints.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Anyway…they kinda, like, stick together. It was really difficult dating anyone in Utah if you're not Mormon, but then when you do, I found that all the chicks are, like, super into anal.

Dick: Oh, 'cause they're preserv…

Maddox: (interjects) Did you know this? (grins)

Dick: ing their virginity?

Maddox: Yeah. Sean looks like he just got hit by…(giggles)

Dick: Yeah, Sean…

Maddox: A glitter bomb. (laughs)

Sean: No, I've heard this before.

Dick: Oh, you sound really excited about it, Sean. (grins)

Maddox: Go on, Sean.

Dick: Ass farmer…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Over here.

Sean: No, I've heard this before, but I didn't think the guy was a reliable source…(Dick guffaws)…but I know Maddox with his love of stats.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: You know, I'm…I'm kinda believing this one.

Dick: What was the guy you heard it from? (grins)

Sean: Uh, some guy…a long…you know, 20 years ago.

Dick: ? (grins)

Sean: No, no, no. I'm old enough there was no Internet.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Yeah. It's a way of preserving their vaginal purity.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, the anal sex. And uh, yeah. I've actually. I had gone out on dates with girls in Utah who were not…(Dick cracks up) who were not interested in having any normal sex.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: But they were okay…they were considering anal sex. They're like "Yeah, well, you know, I wanna be a virgin for my husband or, you know, when I get married."

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Yeah. There was also a scandal awhile back in Utah. Uh, about…I think, like, 10 years ago. Where a bunch of kids from the Brigham Young University? One of the big, like, Mormon Universities. Good business college. They were going up to Nevada, getting married for the weekend, screwing their brains out…(Dick cracks up loudly) and then getting divorced that same weekend.

Dick: Oh, no!!

Maddox: Yeah. And they come home and, you know, in the eyes of God, they're pure. Because they had sex during marriage.

Dick: And the girls would be into it too?

Maddox: Oh yeah.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: It was a loophole. (Dick giggles)

Dick: So their God's kinda dumb. Right?

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: Like, if he's cool with that.

Maddox: He's…he's just very meticulous with his rules, Dick, and sometimes there's loopholes in those rules. (Dick giggles)

Dick: So he's autistic.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like…the Mormon God is autistic. (Maddox chuckles) Okay, I got it. Now I get it.

Maddox: Yeah. It's also illegal to advertise Happy Hour in Utah, because it promotes overconsumption.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Yeah. No Happy Hours. Uh, you aren't allowed to buy kegs in Utah. No kegs. Polygamy, however. So, here's the thing. A lot of people don't know this about…the first thing they hear when people mention Mormons or Latter Day Saints…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Is they say, "Oh, those are polygamists." Right? Well, not really. The polygamists…the polygamist sect of the Latter Day Saint religion broke away in 1890. The church officially stopped polygamy as a practice in 1890 as an official stance.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And now, it's kind of relegated just to a few small sects who live in…they're basically like cults.

Dick: Mhmm. That was a bad day for those guys in 1890.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Can you imagine?

Maddox: Oh, that's why it caused a huge split in the church.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. And uh…over time, the predominant one was the one that didn't practice polygamy. However, they tried to outlaw it last year, but a judge threw out the law.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I guess that's a good thing.

Dick: People should be allowed to love whomever they want.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. You think so, Dick?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, same-sex marriage is illegal in Utah.

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: Yep. In fact, Utah has explicitly passed a same-sex marriage ban, approved by Utah voters and Latter Day Saints member contributed 20 million dollars towards Proposition 8, banning same sex marriage in California. That's over 50% of the funding for this proposition that was banning gay marriage in California came from FUCKING Utah.

Dick: (cracks up) Okay. Uh, by the way, if you're wondering if you're a Midwest state or not, that's criteria number one.

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: Did you…are you on an aggressive intrastate campaign to end gay marriage? You're probably in the Midwest.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay, fair enough. Then Utah's the Midwest.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah. I'll give you that. And there's a website called and they got 45% of out-of-state contributions from Utah. That's over three times more than any other state. So Utah, very conservative, right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Very conservative state, and one of the tenets of conservatism is to be as unobtrusive in people's lives as possible, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Except when it comes to gay marriage, alcohol, and pornography. Pornography, actually, is censored in Utah. I don't know if you know this. A lot of people don't.

Dick: What!? (incredulous)

Maddox: But if you buy…if you buy a DVD in, like, an adult magazine store or something, in Utah, which are really heavily legislated and very few and far between. But if you do buy a DVD. A porn DVD.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh, the genitals are pixellated. They're censored.

Dick: Oh, whoooooooooa.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like Japanese porn.

Maddox: It's like Japanese porn. It's fucking bonkers. It's the most bizarre thing I've ever seen. Because if someone's masturbating, the last thing they wanna see are genitals, right? I mean, a vagina would totally kill my boner if I saw it uncensored. (sarcastic)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's…

Dick: So how does that trick God? The pixels?

Maddox: Well, uh…

Dick: How does that work?

Maddox: It's a thin veil of purity, Dick.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. It's another kind of…it's a visual curtain, I guess.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh…a digital curtain, that's what I meant to say. Yeah, and so…pornography…in fact, they tried to…they censor it now, and in 2005, they passed a law…this is an actual law they passed…banning internet porn in Utah.

Dick: Well…good luck. (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah. The law was thrown out in 2012.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Speaking of unconstitutional. It would have made Internet Service Providers responsible for filtering pornography from the Internet.

Dick: (laughs) Okay.

Maddox: This…this state where they wanna be as unobtrusive as possible.

Dick: You know what, man? I'm surprised they don't have their own Internet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, with the amount of money that that church has and the amount of crazy that apparently THEY are?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They could just set up their own…they could lock the whole state off, like China.

Maddox: Yeah, well, thankfully, one of the best Internet Service Providers in Utah is xmission.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh…my host. (giggles) So, it's is my website, right? I have been a customer of Xmission, my Utah Internet Service Provider, since 1995.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I have…my email address is older than some of the listeners to this show. I've had the same email address for, I think 17 years now. And the Internet Service Provider is run by this guy named Pete Ashdown.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: He is one of the most progressive, smartest dudes I've ever met.

Dick: So why the hell does he live in Utah? How can he stand that?

Maddox: Because he's…he's kind of like a beacon for change and a light for hope in Utah and this bleak existence in Utah. Um, Salt Lake City, in Utah, is a very liberal city, I would say even more liberal than some blue states, like California and Washington. It's a very…well, maybe not Washington. But it's a very liberal city.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they have to be, because they're surrounded by this sea of conservatism, so Pete Ashdown is a pretty liberal dude, and the mayor of Salt Lake City, Rocky Anderson, a long time ago, was super super liberal. He led protests against George W. Bush when George W. Bush came to Utah for fundraising. Which, by the way, Utah was the reddest state during his election. Gave him the vote by the highest margins.

Dick: Well, you know. Let's not get political.

Maddox: Yeah…oh, no, no. (grinning) Let's not get political. Um…

Dick: Well, you're making…I mean, you're rattling these things off, but this is…I think this is more sinister than you're making it seem, because it sounds like a factory of fascism.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're just creating people who hate freedom.

Maddox: Yeah, it's…

Dick: (interjects) Like, the way it's set up, so you have to meet through the Church.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can't get drunk ever and, like, get outside of your sphere of infl…you can't ever get exposed to new ideas, because all of your interactions are through people who think exactly the same as you.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: So you just believe str…more and more strongly in your own opinions, and then now they're taking that machine of people, generating money, and REACHING across the border!!!

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: To affect us!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know what, Dick? It's even more nefarious than that. I…when I was there recently, I noticed something that I hadn't noticed before, living in Utah. There are a lot of billboards around Salt Lake City that promote some moral stance. In fact, um…I saw a ton of billboards just reminding people that vaping indoors is illegal in Utah. Why would somebody pay to remind people that vaping indoors is illegal?

Dick: Yeah…but that's…I think that's a different problem. 'Cause we got those, too. Like, domestic violence is wrong? You ever seen those bumper stickers?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Those ads?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Like, okay. Uh, yeah. We all know that.

Maddox: But that's not even, like, a moral thing. That's just, like, illegal as well. It's not passing moral judgment. I mean, it's illegal.

Dick: Okay, so what's the moral judgment one? Like, drinking is bad?

Maddox: Yeah. And abstinence. And real men don't use porn.

Dick: Ohh. (disgusted) What?!?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. I've seen billboards that say "real men don't use porn".

Dick: What do they use?

Maddox: Yeah, uh…

Dick: Marriage?

Maddox: I dunno. But…

Dick: Anal stuff?

Maddox: (laughs) I believe this billboard had a construction worker on it. (Dick guffaws) Like, this real, like, beefy-looking construction worker.

Dick: It had a construction worker, a cop, an Indian. (Maddox cracks up) And said, "These are real men."

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: We…(trails off laughing)

Maddox: And you know they're just…they just came from, like, a model farm. Like, a model agency.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Where, like, most of the guys are gay, so they're just having, like…which, of course, they look down upon as well. Anyway, man. Just a couple other. Drug possession is a felony. You get up to a 5000$ fine and a 10-year prison sentence. Powdered alcohol is illegal in Utah. They harass people who go to Planned Parenthood in Utah. Cops sit there and they pull them over. If you go to a fucking bar and then get a taxi…awhile back, there were cops pulling over taxis to do Breathalyzer tests on the passengers. It's like, guys…this is the whole fucking point of a taxi. So I can get drunk and fucking take a taxi home. They're harassing people…my buddy got a DUI in Utah because he left a strip club. And they just sit outside strip clubs and they want to pull people over and harass them. So he got a DUI and he blew well below the legal limit, but they still took him to jail that night, because they said, "Well, you drank some alcohol."

Dick: Wowww.

Maddox: He was, like, a 0.04 or something. Like half the legal limit.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Still, They arrested this guy and put him in jail. Just fucked with him. You know, it's just…it's insane. It never fucking ends. This state that they believe in unobtrusive, small governments that don't involve themselves in your lives, except when it comes to your bedroom, who you fuck, what you put into your body.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: What you smoke. That's when they wanna legislate. That's when it's no longer small government that's trying to be as unobtrusive as possible. Fuck you, and fuck Utah!

Dick: And they're trying to come into our state as well!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's the most totalitarian and imperialistic state that we have.

Maddox: Abso-fucking-lutely. I had a buddy of mine, uh…an old coworker in Utah. I was talking to him one time. And he's a pretty conservative dude.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And he's like, you know…it was when the Proposition 8 protests were going on in California.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: He was, like, "You know, I just…I don't want Californians to impose their values upon us." I'm like, "Hey fuckhead, Californians aren't investing 20 million dollars to pass legislation to make gay marriage legal in fucking Utah, you moron! We're not trying to inhibi…prohibit people from doing things that are naturally allowed in the constitution. Let people live their fucking lives." (angry)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You guys are doing the same to every fucking other person! You guys are cramming your fucking morality down everyone's throat. And this isn't, like, a big fucking celebration of liberalism. There's a whole shitload of problems with that shit, as pointed out in the last episode with the Well-Intentioned Idiots. I believe most of those guys are liberals! However, this fucking hypocrisy, it's only self-serving. That's all it is! They're looking for small government insofar as they can legislate your private life. No euthanasia. No abortion. No alcohol. No drugs. Nothing that you wanna do to yourself. And by the way, I don't do drugs. I don't give a shit. But come on. Enough is enough. Like, this hypocrisy is mind-boggling.

Dick: Yeah, you're coming after my liquor. That's not…that's not gonna happen.

Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, that's my problem, Dick. Utah.

Dick: It's a good problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um, it's…okay, it's Utah?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Not People Who are in Uta…so you gotta move outta Utah, right?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Everybody just leave!

Maddox: I don't think they want to.

Dick: You don't think people who live there wanna leave?

Maddox: No. They get comfortable. They get comfortable. And it has a really high depression and suicide rate in Utah, too.

Dick: That's not surprising.

Maddox: Yeah. And, one last point. One of the largest pornography consumers in America.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah. Of course.

Dick: Good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. My problem?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Mars One.

Maddox: Mars One.

Dick: Mars "Oh En Ee". Not Mars Won. Mars didn't win anything. Mars One, the project.

Maddox: Mars One. Oh, it's the mission.

Dick: Yeah, did you…do you know about this? Am I the only one that knows about Mars One? I thought it was a big deal.

Maddox: I…I read about it, but let's…what is it?

Dick: Sean, do you know what Mars One is? You're a pretty good barometer of what people don't or do know.

Sean: Yeah. It's, like, sending civilians to Mars, right?

Dick: A one-way trip.

Sean: One-way trip to Mars.

Dick: One-way trip to Mars.

Maddox: Sign me up!

Sean: How does Maddox not know about this?!

Maddox: No, no, I know about this. I know about this.

Dick: No, you know about this.

Maddox: I…I wanna be first on that.

Dick: Oh, buddy.

Maddox: Sign me the fuck up.

Dick: Ugggh. Uuuuuughhh.

Maddox: Send me to Mars, man! Get me outta Utah, send me right to Mars!

Dick: Maddox, Maddox, Maddox.

Maddox: I'm on board.

Dick: It's…it's…

Maddox: (interjects) Put me on an Oculus Rift, fucking send me to Mars. I don't give a shit.

Dick: It's a scam, in my opinion.

Maddox: Wh--- how is it a scam, Dick?!!? (incredulous)

Dick: Look, alright. I was having some drinks with my old college roommate.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He texts me and he says, "Hey, I'm in…I got a long layover at LAX. You wanna grab a couple drinks?" And I always say yes to this guy. Because he is one of two people I've ever met who can drink more than me.

Maddox: Pretty impressive.

Dick: Yeah. So, if he ever wants to do anything, I'm in.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: But he acts worse than you.

Dick: That is true.

Sean: He's insane.

Dick: Yeah. He's an insane…he's an insane genius man. So we sit down. And he's a for-real genius. He's an astrophysicist and he's been in a real astronaut training program.

Maddox: Oh, cool.

Dick: Like, yeah. Like, NASA called him up and put him on the list, like, "We are thinking of making you an astronaut."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Here's the program.

Maddox: That sounds awesome.

Dick: And you go…yeah. You go in with a bunch of potentials. He was going through the steps. Like, the training and the interview process that he goes through?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They go down to uh…wherever. I don't…they don't go to Cape Carnaveral. I think it's somewhere in Houston. It's like a week of training. Like, weird, up-down exercises.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Weird Victorian-style exercising.

Maddox: Gravity exercises and stuff like that?

Dick: Yeah. Like, a lot of isometric stuff.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know? And squats. And weird squats. Like, stuff that…you know. I don't do.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: You'd probably be good at it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You ride a bike a lot.

Maddox: I ride a bike, yeah.

Dick: You got endurance. And I like lifting heavy things.

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. I don't skip leg day at the gym.

Dick: You don't go to…don't give me that. I…I don't skip leg day.

Maddox: (laughing) Okay.

Dick: You don't even know what a leg day is.

Maddox: Ohhh, please! I invented leg days, buddy!

Dick: What is your leg day workout?

Maddox: I do squats, I do squats with 55-pound weights and 100-pound weights, and yeah. I do free lifts. I do a lot of stuff.

Dick: That was a short list. That's a short leg day. No wonder you don't skip it.

Maddox: Well, and then I fucking ride my bike everywhere. I rode my bike 12 miles the other day.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, my buddy. My ex-roommmate says…he's telling me about this process, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he goes, "Oh, by the way, have you seen about this Mars One stuff?" I'm like, "I don't wanna hear about it." Right? 'Cause I know in my gut, when I heard about it the first time, I'm like "Scam." (Maddox sighs) That's a scam.

Maddox: Immediately you dismiss this amazing-sounding project as a scam.

Dick: Yeah! Because I have a…look, look, look, look, look. This is a…this is a public service that I'm doing right now.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay. (giggles)

Dick: If you…if you were excited about that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If you heard that pitch for Mars One, one way trip to Mars?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: And you got excited about it…

Maddox: That's me!

Dick: And you wanted to be a part of it, you are an at-risk mark. You are an at-risk group…(Maddox cracks up) Okay? And I'm not gloating. This is…what I'm doing for everybody listening, if you got excited about that, you gotta watch it! Because you're at risk for getting scammed.

Maddox: Oh yeah? (grins)

Dick: And this is coming from a guy who doesn't get scammed ever.

Maddox: Oh, I don't know about that, Dick.

Dick: Never! Never.

Maddox: You never get scammed?!

Dick: No.

Maddox: Says the guy who spends money on expensive steak and wine and thinks he's getting a bargain. A good deal, because he's getting more quality. Go on, tell me more about this scam, Dick!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Why is it a scam?

Dick: So…Mars One…uh…this there's this great article in Medium. about it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um, basically…I'll sum it up for you, 'cause we're running out of time. The entire project is built around a reality television show.

Maddox: What?! (incredulous)

Dick: Yeah. That was meant to fund…that was meant to fund the entire trip. In 10 years. Okay? The guy's plan was to get all these applicants, who all have to pay 40 bucks, by the way.

Maddox: Oooooookay.

Dick: Yeah. And do a 10-minute YouTube video on why they're qualified…

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! (groans)

Dick: …to be astronauts to Mars. (grins) On a never-before done human endeavor. Pay 40 bucks. Then, uh…the plan was to get their little crew, film them training for 10 years. This is a reality television show that would last for 10 years, going to Mars. The guy projected that it would make, like 6 billion dollars.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. He based the 8 billion dollar estimate on the most recent Olympic Games revenue.

Maddox: Oh, my…

Dick: (interjects) So this is a reality show that was meant to be as BIG and popular, and money-generating, as the Olympics!! (yelling)

(Sound clip: Dick: That's ridiculous!")

Dick: Yeah! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Dick.

Dick: That was this guy's plan.

Maddox: Dick, uh…is everything you just said 100% fact? Is that absolutely…

Dick: That is a…that is a quote from the guy.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: You can go on…they have…they have no relationships with SpaceX. They have no relationships with ANYBODY.

Maddox: Not even NASA? I thought this was a NASA initiative.

Dick: Nooooo.

Maddox: Really? (incredulous)

Dick: No.

Maddox: This is a scam.

Dick: Nothing to do with NASA. I don't wanna say it's a scam, 'cause it's…what is that? That's slander.

Maddox: No, it's a scam, Dick.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: I'll say it. I'll say it. It's a big fucking scam. Fuck you! (Dick guffaws)

Dick: So, this poor guy in this Medium article. This dude named Josh. He got sucked into it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he wanted…he heard that 200,000 people applied, but he really wanted to go to space.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? He wanted to make his life mean something.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: So he quits his job. He breaks up with his girlfriend in Australia…

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: 'cause he wants to commit full time to being a fake astronaut.

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: Moves back in with his parents so he can train. And the interview process is just ridiculous. It's asinine. Like, they have a…they do 10-minute Skype interviews with these people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: After making them memorize what is essentially a Wikipedia of Mars information.

Maddox: (scoffs) Sure.

Dick: And that's…that's it. That's the end of…

Maddox: Oh, boy. (sighs)

Dick: Now, meanwhile, I'm at a bar, drinking my ass off with a guy who is legitimately being considered to go into fucking space.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And this…this is a year's long process that he's going through with the best of the best. Like, military pilots. He's a pilot himself. And this is the kind of rigorous training it takes to just go up into space.

Maddox: So…

Dick: (interjects) Meanwhile, these jackasses are doing YouTube videos and paying 40 bucks to some asshole in Norway or something.

Maddox: Ugh. (sighs)

Dick: To go on a 10-year reality show, culminating in a one-way trip to Mars.

Maddox: Um, I hate to admit this, but…you're right.

Dick: You got scammed.

Maddox: This is a scam.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I didn't get scammed! I'm not on that rocket ship.

Dick: Yeeeeah, but you were excited! That's the thing..

Maddox: (interjects) Well, it sounded cool!

Dick: That's the thing about a scam!

Maddox: Dick.

Dick: It taps into something in everybody that get…it's not get rich quick anymore, it's "be immortal". It's be part of something.

Maddox: Oh, I wanna be immortal.

Dick: That's what it preys on.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: I think he would've figured it out pretty quickly, though.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who, Maddox?

Maddox: Yeah. If I had done any research into this. Like, I just heard about the Mars One project and figured it was some NASA initiative to send astronauts to Mars, which is something they've been trying to do for years.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I thought that's what this was. If this is just this stupid, fucking asinine reality show, that this guy knows NOTHING about television. Knows nothing about marketing. Knows nothing about sustaining a TV show with ratings. Knows nothing about advertising and selling sponsorship. Knows nothing about space, apparently. And wants a 40$ submission fee? That's…that's…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The number one mark of a scam is any kind of submission fee. If you're gonna talk to an agency or some kind of representation…

Dick: That's true. Yeah, that's a good point.

Maddox: The first thing they say is "Don't pay them anything". This guy's…taking 40$ submissions to sit and talk to you over Skype? What kind of analysis…what kind of background research could they possibly do with your 10-minute YouTube video, you morons?

Dick: None.

Maddox: Oh, man. Dick, you really…

Dick: It's just more marketing! That's why it's such an insidious thing! Because the YouT…it's just people talking about their dreams of going to Mars and getting more people excited! And then, they ask…they said specifically on…they sent out this thing, lemme find where it was. They wanted 75% of any fee you got for appearing on TV talking about the Mars One program.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: They asked…they recommended that you send a 75% tithing back to them. To fund this fantasy. And, by the way…it is a COMPLETE fantasy!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: COMPLETE fantasy that in 10 years, we'll be goin' to Mars, one way or not. And that's what pisses me off. It's…they're pitching this idea of being a technology cowboy. Like it's the culmination of I Fucking Love Science, to me. Pop science. That we have a thing where people think they're actually gonna go to Mars. That this actually gonna happen. When it's not.

Maddox: Yep. Well, Dick, I have to hand it to you. Uh…you're making an awful lot of sense. (Dick cracks up) You earned this, buddy.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick: Thanks.

Maddox: There you go. That's…that does actually sound like a scam. Like, in every sense of the word.

Dick: Right?!

Maddox: 75% of the proceeds. That sounds like American Idol. Uh…when those contestants go on that show. They sign away their careers and their lives and a lot of their proceeds to record labels. Even before they make their first appearance on the show.

Dick: Well, I agree with that. You don't think they should do that?

Maddox: Well…whether they should or shouldn't doesn't mean whether it's right or wrong.

Dick: You think that's wrong?

Maddox: Well, yeah. Because they're exploiting these people who are desperate to get any kind of work or attention. They could do it themselves if they really tried.

Dick: No way.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: There's no way Kelly Clarkson or any of those nobodies would be famous without American Idol.

Maddox: I dunno, buddy. Tell that to Justin Bieber. Mhmm. Uh-huh. Oh, now…

Dick: (interjects) I guess…(laughs)

Maddox: Sounds like I'm making a lot of sense!

Sean: He got discovered that way, but he has a MASSIVE label machine behind him, too.

Maddox: Well, he does now, but yeah. He got…his career launched just through his talent alone on YouTube.

Sean: That's true.

Maddox: Yeah. And I know…

Sean: He was discovered.

Maddox: And I know all you fucking crybabies and hardasses are gonna be like (goofy voice) "Uh, Maddox, Justin Bieber isn't talented…eeeeeehhhh." He is, you idiots. He's talented at making the type of music that he makes. He's talented at making pop crap that everybody likes. I'm not saying his music's great.

Dick: He doesn't even make it, though. Does…does he?

Maddox: He works with producers, yeah, but he's got a good singing voice. Like, he's able to sing. He's able to belt out those notes. And he's able to produce this pop crap that people like.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I mean, he's talented at something. What the fuck are you doing with your life, you idiots? That's…that's a preview of an article coming. Anyway…um…

Dick: How many Justin Bieber albums do you have?

Maddox: Zero.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. I don't like the music.

Dick: Just checkin'.

Maddox: No, I don't like his music…his music's crap.

Dick: How many do you not have?

Maddox: All of them.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Passed.

Maddox: Yep. (giggles)

Dick: That's my…

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Dick: That's my problem. Mars One.

Maddox: Well, Dick, uhh…

Dick: NASA did a study and they said, with the current setup…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, with the dumb pods that they have, and growing their food, uh…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It'll…they'll be dead in 68 days. (Maddox scoffs, laughs) Because their little pods will fill up with oxygen and then they'll catch on fire. They'll be pure oxygen and that's it.

Maddox: Ugh, that is…that makes me so happy. This is…this makes me happy and sad. First of all, Dick, I gotta hand it to you. When it comes to scams, you're the best. Uh…(laughs)

Dick: Right! That's why I'm bringing this in!

Maddox: You…you have a mind. To your credit, you have a mind that works like I've never seen. You immediately think of the worst possible scenario, the worst possible outcome.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: You think of the most cynical point of view.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And you immediately think of the way that somebody could get exploited, usually because you want to be that…that somebody doing the exploitation. (cracks up)

Sean: I was gonna say. And then he roots for it!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, usually, you root for it. But you know what the problem is here, Dick? You're just angry 'cause you're not involved in this scam.

Dick: Well, I was just gonna say. That's…this is why I'm starting my Mars Two program. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah, uh…your Mars Two Program. Just three little words.

Dick: Three little words. (they both crack up) Mars Two.

Maddox: Mars Two.

Dick: Yeah. Alright. You got a problem?

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. My second problem this week is Loud Talkers.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Alright. Loud Talkers. So you might be thinking' "Uhhhh, kind of annoying." Right? But how annoying is it? I'll tell you how annoying it is. When asked in a recent Harris Interactive Poll, Americans said that loud talkers was the second most annoying thing at 65% of the vote. 65% of people said Loud Talkers.

Dick: The most annoying thing ever, or the most annoying thing about people?

Maddox: The most annoying thing in day-to-day life.

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: So, right after…the number one thing was parents letting their children run wildly and be highly disruptive in public spaces.

Dick: Oh man, that is annoying.

Maddox: Yeah, go vote up "Kids"! Wait, did I bring in kids? Go vote up "Babies"! Babies are the precursor to kids!

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhh, okaaaaaay. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Go vote up Kids. And, by the way, my Monkey campaigning has worked.

Dick: Yeah, it's in the positives now, I saw that.

Maddox: It's in the positives. Yeah. Finally. You know what, guys? I'm happy with that. At least it's recognized as a threat.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: These fucking carriers of disease. Anyway. Parents letting their children run wildly through stores and be disruptive was number one, but that was 86%. Number two, though, was loud talkers. People who are loud talkers. And you know what, Dick? In fact, it outranked…they specifically asked the following question. They said, "Which is more annoying? People who have loud conversations on their mobile phones in public spaces, or people who repeatedly check their mobile phones while having an in-person conversation?" So your Fact-Finding Fuckheads…(Dick laughs) problem from last week only got 35% of the vote.

Dick: Huh

Maddox: Easily outranked! So if this system works. If the biggest problem in the universe works…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This should definitely be more of a problem than Fact-Fincing Fuckheads.

Dick: Than hunger. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, well. I got something for that one, too, buddy. Not this episode, but…loud talkers. So, um…so, Dick. How could this possibly…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait. What do you mean, you got something for that one? (grins)

Maddox: What, your Hunger problem?

Dick: Yeah, hunger. It's a big problem!

Maddox: I'm gonna knock it. I'm gonna knock it off the fucking list!

Dick: Why do you want to?!!? (incredulous) It's a big problem! (laughs)

Maddox: You know what, Dick? It is a big problem! I'm not denying that! There's just a bigger problem that should be exactly a little bit bigger than hunger.

Dick: Uh-huh. What? Ugh, alright.

Maddox: Yeah. It's coming. It's comin', buddy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Next week. Um, okay. So loud talkers. Why is this a problem? Dick, the other night, I was having a very lovely dinner. I was at this beautiful courtyard, sitting outside…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It was…you know what? I regret using the word beautiful.

Dick: Pssyeah. (giggles) Sounds really lovely.

Maddox: It was…yeah, okay. No, you know what? It was a cold…

Dick: Was it magical? (grins) Were you listening to Justin…were you pumping your Justin Bieber jams?

Sean: Enchanted evening?

Maddox: You know, you fucking assholes! (Dick cracks up) You know what? It was a fucking manly courtyard. That's where I was.

Dick: Uh-huh. (laughing)

Maddox: Manly court…

Dick: (interjects) Were you wearing glass slippers? (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: There were…there were suits of armor around. It was a real fuckin' manly place. Just don't worry about it, alright? Stop being a dick. Um, I was at this…(giggles) manly courtyard.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: And eating…enjoying my steak.

Dick: Announcing…Prince Maddox. (giggles)

Maddox: (laughing) I was enjoying my steak that I didn't overpay for.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Like a sap. Like a sucker.

Dick: Sure.

Sean: This sounds like Medieval Times.

Dick: Yeah, were you at Medieval Times? The theme restaurant? (grins) (Maddox laughs) The jousting/dinner event?

Maddox: No! Fuck. I was just enjoying my steak, okay? I was at this place. Who cares? Who cares where I was?

Dick: Why are you so weird about dinner? (giggles) Where was it, really?

Maddox: Just some place, dude.

Dick: Alright, alright, alright.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I was eating steak, right? And I overheard a really loud talker sitting behind me talking about her fucking surgery.

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: Like, her foot surgery and how they were removing some corns or calluses and the doctor prescribed some antibiotics…and there was fungal growth, and she got a staph infection and then her grandpa had the same thing and had one of his toes amputated and just…on and on and on. And I'm sitting there, choking on part steak and part barf because I'm disgusted at this fucking loud talker telling me…

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And by…what kind of fucking dinner conversation is that? (Dick snorts) I mean…of course. I'm guilty of having some gross dinner conversations. I like to talk about poop. I think scatological humor is fucking hilarious. And if you don't, you're an idiot. And some of the biggest geniuses in history did, too. Go look at Mozart's Wikipedia page of scatological humor. There's an entire Wikipedia page for it. And…and a lot of historians are trying to contextualize his scatological humor by saying, "Ummm, maybe it was symbolic for this…emotion, or this period in his life. Hey idiots, it's not symbolic of anything except shit! He just likes shit jokes! Just like I do."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Anyway…this wasn't a shit show…

Dick: (interjects) Why are you always comparing yourself to, like, Mozart?

Maddox: What, geniuses?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, I think it's self-explanatory.

Dick: Alright. (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. Takes one to know one! Uh…so I was sitting there, on the verge of vomiting my not-overpriced steak.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Because this person was having a really loud, disgusting conversation.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Loud talkers ruin dinners.

Dick: Uhhh, yeah. That's true.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I get busted on it all the time. Talking too loud.

Maddox: You're…you're…so, you're a loud talker, right?

Dick: You know what? You know what they should have? Here's my idea. It's an app for your phone, right? That you can just sit on the table and it will measure the decibel volume of what's going on, like, at the table. Locally, at the table. And it will redline if you're being too loud. Is that possible, Sean? Uh…in audio terms?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Is that possible?

Maddox: It would just clip, right?

Sean: Yeah, there are decibel meters that you can…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it's gotta be…is it a decibel thing or is it, like, the timbre of their voice? 'Cause some people have a shrill voice that really cuts through.

Sean: Well, we're more sensitive in certain ranges, like, I think a baby's cry is somewhere around 2 or 2.5 kHz. It's…I think it's, like, an evolutionary thing.

Dick: Oooh.

Maddox: I am immune to hearing a baby's cry.

Sean: (snorts) You would be.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I've trained myself.

Sean: I'm not…I'm not sure if that's true or not. That's what…I've heard that.

Dick: It's not. I'll help you out, there. (Sean and Maddox giggle) It's not true.

Sean: Wait, wait. What's not true?

Dick: Him being immune to a baby's cry.

Sean: Oh, him. I thought you were talking about the baby cry. Anyway. We're more sensitive to certain frequency ranges than other frequency ranges, so.

Maddox: Yeah. Between what, like, 10,000 and 21,000 kil…what is it, megahertz? Kilohertz?

Dick: Kilohertz.

Maddox: Kilohertz, yeah. It's like 10,000 to 21,000 is the normal range, right?

Sean: No.

Dick: No, it goes way lower than that.

Sean: It's 20…

Maddox: (interjects) It's, like, 3,000 to 21,000?

Dick: No, it's like 400.

Sean: Hearing is 20 Hz to 20 kHz, theoretically.

Maddox: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, that's right.

Sean: Most people don't hear as high as 20k just due to, like, environmental damage, and stuff like that.

Maddox: Well, you know what's interesting is younger people are able to hear more in the higher end of that frequency spectrum.

Sean: That's true.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: That's true.

Maddox: That's why they make these things…these beacons in the UK, and I believe several other countries have started employing them. In fact, they have these in Los Angeles, too. They have these ominous towers…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That look like these giant metal structures and they just say, you know, whatever the city name is, and then if you stand next to it, you hear this really high-pitched squealing noise.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And that's specifically built…it's designed to discourage loitering for young people.

Dick: Yeah. (chuckles)

Maddox: They're called…they're, like, these hooligan towers.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And they…I think that's what they call them in the UK. And they…they put those out there with really high frequencies that older people can't hear.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And it discourages young people from hanging around. Anyway, um.

Dick: That's funny.

Maddox: I wish there was something like that for loud talkers.

Dick: Well, it's a huge problem in Hollywood. Like every place I go to eat is people pitching each other their shitty screenplays.

Maddox: Yeah. Yep. Yep, it's all their shitty…and you know what it is, Dick? I think on some level, it's just bragging. You want everybody to know about your business and how important you are and how interesting your life is, or how disgusting your surgery was, or whatever. Maybe it's just people who are not self-aware.

Dick: Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how it happens that they're so loud.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. People are really loud. You know, um…

Dick: And there's no signal. There's no signal that will get them to stop. Like, you can keep lowering your voice and keep lowering your voice, like, hoping that they'll catch on, but they never do.

Maddox: Maybe that makes them talk louder, because they think that their voice is being lower, because they can't hear you, so they'll talk louder to overcompensate.

Dick: Oh, that's true. That's a good point.

Maddox: Man, I was…I was in a coffee shop just a few weeks ago, and this douchebag with a man-bun. You get a man-bun sometimes, right, Dick?

Dick: Uhh, yeah. I rock a man-bun.

Maddox: Yeah. Pretty gross. Um…

Dick: It's cool.

Maddox: Yeah, well, this douchebag with a man-bun, and I think that's it's…it's part of the problem, is the man-bun.

Dick: You're just jealous.

Maddox: (scoffs) You know what, Dick?

Dick: You can get a clip-on man-bun. (grins) (Maddox and Sean crack up) You can strap it to your ears.

Maddox: Like one of those Japanese…like one of those Japanese dude with the bun in the hair?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, like a sumo or something. (grins) No, anyway, this douchebag was in this coffee shop, and this coffee shop, I swear to god. At least four tables of people turned around to look at this guy to see what the fuck was so important that…(stammers) he was broadcasting his voice in this entire fucking coffee shop.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: People were stopping and looking. Like, people stopped their polite conversation. They're studying. They're reading. He's disrupting a potential future doctor's study time.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because he's talking so loud. And then that doctor is gonna fail his test and he's gonna fucking do surgery on you, and guess what? You got a fucking toe amputated and I gotta hear about it in the fucking restaurant while I'm eating my steak!!!

Dick: Yeah. And you can't not listen. Like, once they get going, they'll drone.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They get going, you can't not pay attention.

Maddox: You know what, Dick? I actually go to specific coffee shops that I know only Koreans visit, for the most part.

Dick: 'Cause it's not distracting, right?

Maddox: Specifically…it's not distracting if I can't understand what they're saying.

Dick: Yeah. Right! Yep!

Sean: I know those places. There's a chain around Los Angeles, right?

Dick: Oho, I bet you do. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: No, they're the…(Maddox and Dick laugh) No, they're the best places! They're, like, so relaxing because everything is isolated. You know the ones I'm talking about!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Oh, yeah. (lewd)

Sean: Jesus Christ. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Dick, what are you…what are you projecting, here?

Dick: No, that's…I feel the same way, like, whenever I go to the Korean day spa. I talk as loud as I want, 'cause I'm like, "Well, it's not annoying anyone, 'cause nobody understands what I'm saying."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And vice versa. It's great.

Maddox: Well, it's not vice versa, Dick. They probably understand what you're saying, but you don't understand what they're saying. (giggles)

Dick: So, what's the fix? This can be fixed! This problem can be fixed by this show.

Maddox: Uh, well, first of all, stop being a loud-talking asshole.

Dick: No, no, no! It's gotta be combative! It's gotta be…we've gotta be able to do something to stop this.

Maddox: Well, how about just..uh, hey, dickhead! Keep it down. How about that? Have you seen the movie Boiler Room, Dick?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's a scene where they're a bunch of rambunctious stockbrokers are sitting in a restaurant and they're being loud assholes.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And this table of gay guys are sitting next to them. (giggles) And one of them just very snarkily turns to them and said, "Uh, you guys are at an 11. We could use you at a 2."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I…I love that line. I think it's such a snarky, passive-aggressive way of saying it, too.

Dick: So people are not gonna say, "Keep it down." No one is gonna confront someone who's loud and say, "Keep it down." That's not realistic. But what if they pass them a little note that says "You're at an 11." That's it. (Maddox laughs) That's the society that we're in, where you can go to someone secretly and drop a little note on their table that says "You're at an 11."

Maddox: You know, Dick, that's not a bad idea. In fact, they should take it a step further and get all the women who are complaining about manspreading, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Because they were really effective in creating a campaign…

Dick: Yeah!!!

Maddox: …to get the metro to put up signs around the fucking metro system.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: Why don't these same women go around and start campaigning governments to start putting up signs in public areas and saying. "You're at an 11". Why don't we start doing that? These passive-aggressive notes all around town. Why don't we just do that?

Dick: I wouldn't mind if it was just passing around notes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you just…you pop out a receipt. You write it on the receipt. You slip the guy a note.

Maddox: That's pretty funny.

Dick: Problem solved.

Maddox: Yeah. That's pretty funny.

Dick: I'm gonna try it.

Maddox: I'm gonna try it, too.

Dick: Let's do it.

Maddox: Yeah. We'll just walk around town. Anytime you see anyone with a man-bun, just assume they're a loud-talking douchebag.

Dick: Alllllllright. Allllright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So jealous!

Maddox: You're a loud talker. You're a loud talker, though, aren't you, Dick?

Dick: I got a loud voice.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But I…I try to keep it down when I'm not drunk.

Maddox: Uh…well. So that's never. Um, you know who is a loud talker? Uh, Tucker Maxx.

Dick: Oh, is he?

Maddox: Yeah. Uh…Tucker Max. Like, any time I hang out with him, he's…he's…everybody knows our business.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's always this…anyway. Any coffee shop, everyone's turning around to see, "Well, who's talking? Oh, I guess it's Tucker." Um, anyway, Dick. Those are my problems this week. What…uh, what do you got?

Dick: I got one last one. I don't have a lot of time for it.

Maddox: Let's do…let's do a quick one.

Dick: Penis Injuries.

Maddox: (laughs) Penis injuries. Alright, Dick. How'd you break your dick?

Dick: I did…I did almost break my dick. (Maddox keeps laughing) This week.

Maddox: Oh yeah? (grins)

Dick: Yeah. This…there was this…I was having sex with this girl.

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Dick: I don't wanna get too into it, 'cause everybody knows what happened. Every guy who's ever had sex…

Maddox: Uh…yep. I know…I know the injury before you even say it.

Dick: Every guy…

Sean: Everyone's been close.

Dick: Oh, my God! So…so close. I've never been closer. This…I mean, this was…this was, like…if this was a Cold War clock? If this was a nuclear Armageddon clock? This was at 11:59, man. That's how close this dick breaking was.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And this girl was skin and bones.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I'm like, how much damage could she possibly do on top, right?

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: But then she says the magic phrase that lets me know my dick's getting broken. "I know what I'm doing."

Maddox: Oh, no!! That's the scariest thing to hear from somebody who's having sex with you.

Dick: Yeah. A woman who's climbing on top of you says "I know what I'm doing"? Ohhhh, watch out. Your dick's getting broken.

Maddox: I…(cracks up with Sean)

Dick: That's my…that's my argument.

Maddox: Yep. Dick, uh…please, as a public service announcement, please announce this to the women so they know what we're talking about, here.

Dick: Well..which part? If you're riding…

Maddox: How…yeah. How…

Dick: (interjects) If you're riding a guy…

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And you're…you think you're in control…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're not.

Maddox: It…

Dick: (interjects) You're whipping around…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like a maniac.

Maddox: What…what I'm trying to get you to say, is…it only goes in one direction, ladies!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It only goes in one direction.

Dick: Yeah! It's not an earthquake.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Where the shockwaves can be this way, laterally, or this way, vertically.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It's only vertical.

Maddox: It's a lever…

Dick: (interjects) We'll let you get away with a little swing back and forth…

Maddox: A little bit, yeah.

Dick: Little bit!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Little bit! But you go too far…

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: And…crackaroo.

Maddox: Yep. (giggles)

Dick: Dick injury.

Maddox: Think about…think about it in terms of a level that only goes in one direction and it can't go past that 90 degree mark. I mean, a little bit, but not much. Uh…you know, Dick. This…there's a term for this. Do you know what it's called?

Dick: What? No.

Maddox: It's called "daggering". Did you hear about this?

Dick: "Daggering"? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. It was a big trend in Jamaica. It was kind of, like, a badge of honor for guys.

Dick: Oh, God, that hurts just thinking about.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Maddox: This is, uh…this is what they…what they…from the Wikipedia page of "daggering". It says, "It is a form of dance originating from Jamaica. The dance incorporates dry sex, wrestling, and other forms of frantic movement."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Basically, they..I mean, it's so aggressive that it basically breaks the guy's penis. It's a thing that…that I guess Jamaican women were into for a while, and guys…I guess a lot of guys were going along with it.

Dick: A lot of guys in Jamaica like their penises broken?

Maddox: I guess. I guess.

Dick: Hmm. I learn a lot on this show.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Yeah.

Dick: I didn't know that.

Maddox: Yeah. It was a big trend awhile back. And these guys were going to the doctors, and sometimes they could repair it, and sometimes they couldn't, and they were like, "Sorry man, your dick's fucking broken 'cause you're an idiot."

Dick: Yeah! And then you can't get int…even if they fix it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it's…it's a series of tubes, essentially.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The penis is. (Sean chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: So they gotta stitch it up.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles) Senator…what's his name..Stevens. Yeah.

Dick: I dunno. (giggles)

Maddox: Stevens was his name. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Series of tubes. They gotta stitch it up and then you got three to six months off waiting for it to get better again.

Maddox: It's awful. It's awful. Ladies…it's a level. It only go…it's like a 90 degree range we have.

Dick: I appreciate the effort, but you just…you can't be trusted with it.

Maddox: No.

Dick: You get too out of control.

Maddox: Yep!

Dick: That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: You can't fix this with popsicle sticks and tape. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: No…

Dick: What the fuck does that mean?! (Maddox laughs)

Sean: It's like a splint.

Maddox: You know, uh…(Dick cracks up) You know, Sean. It's interesting you mention popsicle sticks, 'cause I was hanging around a gay friend of mine about a week ago. And some…some really buff Australian dude walked by, and he looked…he turned to him and was like "Ooooh, I would rape that guy with a popsicle stick." I'm like…what do you mean, popsicle stick?

Dick: Jesus Christ.

Maddox: He goes, "Oh, you know." I'm like, "No, explain it to me. What would you do with the popsicle stick?" He's like oh, well, you know, a man has to be hard, so you have to put a popsicle stick down his penis. I'm like JESUS!!!

Dick: Oh. (disgusted) He would rape him with his butt?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, geez.

Maddox: Yeah. And then force an erection with a popsicle stick, is what he was saying. I guess…

Dick: (interjects) That sounds like a penis injury waiting to happen.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Sean: Wait, are you sure he's gay if he needs a popsicle stick?

Dick: No, the guy!!

Maddox: No, the..

Dick: He was gonna cram a popsicle stick in the guy's penis.

Maddox: In the guy's pee-hole.

Sean: Oh, God.

Maddox: Yeah. To induce an erection.

Dick: To get him hard.

Maddox: A fake erection.

Dick: How loud is this conversation? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Loud enough for me to hear, which was too loud. Too loud. I regret…

Dick: Yeah. Um…doctors say that the consequences of such a fracture include erectile dysfunction, as scar tissue known as fibrous plaques can form in the penis.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it can get bent. When it heals. Up to 45 degrees.

Maddox: Yeah, uh…

Dick: Oh, my God! I got a whole phobia about this, now!

Maddox: He…here you go. Here's a quick rule of thumb, ladies. Um, literally, just pull up your hand. And push one of your fingers back. As far back as your finger can go…imagine that. Alright? That's it.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about…okay. If we're going with the finger analogy?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: I'm talking about…let's say you have a ring on your finger, right?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Like a wedding ring.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Let's say you've married yourself, which you did, on Facebook.

Maddox: I did, yes. Uh-huh.

Dick: So you're fucking around with your wedding ring, alright?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, putting it up and down the fing…yeah. Keep a good eye on that finger. I see what you're doing over there. Then, you get too into screwing around with the ring. The ring pops off the tip, and you go "WHAM". You bring the edge of the ring down on the tip of your finger. That's the injury I'm talking about.

Maddox: Oh, that's a different injury.

Dick: Ohhhh! That's…was that the one you're talking about, Sean?

Sean: That's what I was talking about. He went in a different direction, and I know that one, too, but…

Dick: Yeah. As long as that ring is on, you do whatever you want. But if that ring clears the tip…

Sean: Yeah. That's called..

Dick: Oh, God!

Sean: That's called a jackknife.

Dick: That's called a jackknife?

Sean: Well, no. I mean, that's what it basically will do.

Dick: Oh, that's what you call it. Yes! Yeah. Yeah. That's a jackknife. That's a jackknife. You're absolutely right.

Maddox: Ugh. All this fingering and daggering and jackknifing…(Dick giggles) I dunno, guys. This is making me real hot and steamy.

Dick: Yeah. You know what the biggest cause of penis injuries is? In the US Emergency Rooms from 2002 to 2010?

Maddox: Jamaicans.

Dick: Bicycles. (Sean cracks up)

Maddox: Bicycles?! Really?

Dick: Bicycles, yeah.

Maddox: How, specifically?

Dick: People falling off their seats…

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: And whackin' their penis.

Maddox: Getting racked.

Dick: On the crossbar of a mountain bike or a bicycle.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, that's why my dick's real tough!

Dick: (snorts) It gets a lot of abuse, does it?

Maddox: Yeah. It's like a Coke can. (chuckles) Alright. Alright, Dick. Anything else?

Dick: 'Cause it's 5 cents to recycle?

Maddox: Okaaaaaay. (annoyed) (Sean cracks up) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: 'Cause it's worth 5 cents?

Maddox: It's got a fizzy treat inside. Alright, Dick. My…(cracks up)

Dick: Cause the mouth has been steadily growing since the 70s? (grins) (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: 'Cause it's better in Mexico.

Dick: Like a Coke can?

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick and Sean crack up) Alright, Dick.

Dick: 'Cause it comes (cums) in a six pack? (Maddox dies of laughter)

Sean: You're being kinda hard on him.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Alright.

Maddox: Oh, man. We could do a whole episode with just dick puns.

Dick: Probably Mozart could, too. What's your problems?

Maddox: My problems this week were, "Utah", and "Loud Talkers".

Dick: My problems were "Mars One" and "Penis Injuries".

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: Yeah, I gotta hand it to you, Dick. That sounds like a real scam. Don't forget to vote on these problems, guys.

Dick: Thanks for listening.

(Voice mail: (male voice, digital) "Hello May-Dox. Hello, Dick Maysterson. (Maddox laughs) It is Professor Stephen Hawking.

Dick: Oh, cool.

Maddox: Ohh.

"Why don't those bitches throw a pity whore party for my sorry ass?"

Dick: (guffaws) A pity whore?!?! (Maddox laughs)

"It will be too good to spin records for me? By the way…nobody flips a bitch better than myself with my ass in a wheelchair." (Maddox and Sean crack up) "P.S, Dick. If I had Obamacare, I would not be stuck with this shit Yankee accent. So go fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck yourself."

(They all crack up)

Dick: I would think Stephen Hawking would be a little more economical with his words. 'Cause it's so hard for him to type them.

Maddox: (laughing) No, I think that was…that sounded just like Stephen Hawking.

Dick: That was accurate?

Maddox: You know, it almost sounded like someone recorded themselves and then put it through a synthesizer or something, right?

Dick: It did.

Maddox: Yeah, it was weird.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey, this Matt from Utah. I'm calling about Dick's problem from the recent live episode."

Dick: Mmm.

"Kid Prisons"

Dick: Yeah.

"You were…how should I put this? The big "R" word. Wrong. (Maddox laughs) And in case I haven't…aw, fuck!")

Dick: Aaaaaahhhhhhh, didn't work out!! (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Maddox: Oh, you're so happy that he screwed up, aren't you?! (Dick laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You're so happy, you're gloating. You're so happy.

Dick: Yeah!! (guffaws) There's a surprisingly small amount of fuckups on the voice mail.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Dick, Maddox, I gotta start off by saying that I hate agreeing with Maddox when he brings in his bullshit problems like Dogs, but dogs are the biggest problem in the universe!"

Maddox: Yeah.

"Now lemme tell you why! I started seeing this cougar from work. Super hot…she plays video games."

Maddox: Oooooh.

"It's awesome! Great relationship. No commitment."

Dick: (scoffs) Plays video games.

Maddox: Pretty hot.

Dick: Who cares? (giggles)

"On one day, she got this dog. And the dog's a couple months old. (Maddox groans) And it's gonna be huge!"

Maddox: I know where this is going.

"So here's my dogs are the biggest problem. And Dick, I think you're gonna really be on board with this when you hear there this goes, because…this dog has now added a whole new element of commitment to this relationship!"

Maddox: Yep!

Dick: Oh, he's right.

"Because now, in order to keep seeing her, I'm gonna have to make friends with this dog. I'm gonna have to work for this dog!"

Dick: Ffffffuck!

"Take it on walks. Pick up its shit! Dogs are the biggest problem in the universe! Go vote it up, people!!")

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah.

Dick: She tricked him!

Maddox: Yeeeeeeeah.

Dick: That's…that's like a half a baby!

Maddox: Yeah, man. Dogs…dogs are the biggest problem in the universe! Go vote it up! It's my new…you know what? Dogs are the new monkeys.

Dick: That's a great trick, though. Because now, if that guy wants to dump that girl, he's also gotta dump the dog! She's making it harder for him to split!

Maddox: Are you fucking kidding me? Dumping the dog is the best thing ever. I'll dump a dog any day of the week.

Dick: So it wouldn't work on you.

Maddox: No way. I would fuckin'…I would dump the dog before I dumped the chick. (stammers) I'd break up with the dog, and then I'd break up with the chick.

Dick: (scoffs) Oh. Uhh..

Maddox: Like, send Rover in here. I gotta talk to him.

Dick: Sounds like something American Psycho would do.

Maddox: Yeah. What, dump a dog?

Dick: Yeah. In the book, he kills his girlfriend's dog.

Maddox: Well, I didn't say I would kill her. (laughing) (Dick guffaws)

(Voice mail: (male voice, whiny) "Do you know what's even better than being sapiosexual? Being pansexual."

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, man! (Dick giggles)

"When people ask me what a pansexual is…"

Maddox: Yep. (Dick guffaws)

"I tell them that bisexuals are only attracted to men and women. That means they subscribe to the narrow-minded view of the gender binary. (Dick and Maddox chuckle) Conversely, as a pansexual, I feel equal attraction to people of all gender identities."

Maddox: Yep.

"Because men and women don't exist. Everyone's gender falls along a spectrum.")

Maddox: Yeah, it's a social…

Dick: I didn't know he was kidding until the very end! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. It's a social construct. That's the argument. Is that…gender is a social construct. Right, guys? There's no biological difference between a man and a woman. Except that there fucking is. (goofy voice) And there's MOUNTAINS of evidence to support that theory. However, it's just a social construct, because it supports these bullshit-ass argument. And that pansexual thing, man. They…they talk and sound exactly like that guy. A smug as that guy. And I'm sure that guy was satire…that voicemail was satire. But that's exactly what they sound like.

Dick: Hmm. Good to know.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hi, this is Christian from upstate New York. Just wanted to say, if you don't think left turns are the biggest problem in the fucking universe, you can fucking kill yourself right now. (Dick snorts) They're stupid, fucking annoying. They're really fucking annoying, anywhere you go. Fucking roundabouts are beautiful. I lived in New York for two years. Gets my dick rock hard. (Dick and Maddox crack up) Dick, you can go fuck yourself with a cheese grater strapped to a fucking floor buffer." )

Maddox: Yeah. That guy's going around in circles and circles in a roundabout with an erection.

Dick: (laughing) Rock hard. Cool. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: What a hero.

Dick: Be careful, man.

Maddox: Yeah. The…the three-letter word, roundabout. No, it was three words.

Dick: Three words.

Maddox: Three little words for you. Yeah, three words.

Dick: Roundabout.

Maddox: Roundabout. You meant three syllables, didn't you?

Dick: No, I meant it as a joke!

Maddox: No you did…no you didn't!!! You're fucking backtracking!! (grins)

Dick: Maddox! Go listen to it!!

Maddox: Yeah, I did!

Dick: Go listen…listen to it! It's obviously a setup with timing…(Maddox laughs) Making it a joke! You think I think "bout" is a word?!

Maddox: I think…

Dick: I mean, it is a word. (Maddox cracks up) Technically, it is a word!

Maddox: It is a word! (laughing)

Dick: But it's…I know roundabout…(they both die of laughter) That was also a joke!!

Maddox: OKAY!! (They crack up laughing)

(sound fades out)