Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 44

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Theme riff)

Today's show is brought to you by our own bonus episode.

(Voice clips from Bonus Episode #5 (while theme riff continues):

Dick: If I spent an hour in this Oculus Rift, would I trade two beers for that?

Maddox: It's hard to say, because you're kind of a jackass. (Dick laughs) Fuck you, and fuck the real world.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because I wanna stay in Oculus Rift forever. It's a better experience than life.

Dick: Have you ever heard a heroin addict talk about heroin? (Maddox chuckles) This is how they sound!!!

Maddox: You laugh now, asshole!

Dick: (cracking up) I'm sorry!!

Maddox: You're gonna be a slave! You're gonna be one of my slaves! (Dick cracking up)

Dick: You're describing your ultimate fantasy of virtual reality…(Maddox chuckles)…is going to a fake virtual movie by yourself!!

Maddox: Yeah. You can have a super body in the Oculus Rift. You can be Goro. That's what I'm gonna be. Goro, with four arms. I'm gonna be punching suckers left and right. It's gonna be amazing. I'm gonna break all the laws. I'm gonna rob a bank. I'm gonna be a criminal. (Dick laughs) I'm gonna be flexing all four of my arms like Goro. Rrrrrrrrrrr! And then I'm gonna have a fucking Mortal Kombat championship where everyone dies.

Dick: Over two million kids a year die 'cause they don't have soap. That's a lot of kids!

Maddox: I dunno, man. What are these kids' personalities like?

Maddox: Boners are awesome. I'm just hanging out here with my dick out. What's the problem?

Dick: Well, that your dick is out.

(Voice clips end)

Now available at

(Theme riff restarts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy!? How's it goin'? (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello.

Dick: Yeeeah.

Maddox: Welcome back. Welcome back. So, Live Episode #3 dropped with Ela Darling. And the votes…the comments came in. A little bit more positive, I think.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got a couple comments saying me and Ela should hook up.

Maddox: Ooookay, Dick. Was that just from your own personal Facebook status update?

Dick: No, no, no. That was real people saying…I got an email on it from Joel Bailey. "Hey Dick, you and Ela Darling should star in a pornographic adventure…" (Maddox laughs) "titled Indiana Bones and Temple of Poon."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "It can be just you and Ela complaining about how uncomfortable jungle sex is until you find the legendary Casper mattress and Tube Socks of Antiquity. Go fuck yourself." Alright.

Maddox: (laughs) You know, I got a number of people commenting. Everyone was pissed off, 'cause you screwed up that pun. This guys says… Guntherinc on YouTube. He says. "Why did he not say Indiana Jones and the Temple of Poon?"

Dick: What did I…I said 'Indiana Jones and the Temple of Not Getting Cum on my Mom's Comforter', didn't I?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. (Sean cracks up)

Dick: Yeah. (grins) That's a funnier joke, to me. (guffaws)

Maddox: Yeah. In the Temple of Boom would have been funny. Temple of Poon would've been funny.

Dick: No. I'm more of, like, a pie in the face kinda guy.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't like a bunch of clever wordplay, alright? Uh…Mr. New Yorker?

Maddox: Ohhhoh. (laughs) Whoa, excuse me. Didn't know this was class warfare. Alright, Dick. Let's just get through the votes here. Um, Chump Syndrome came in top last episode.

Dick: Boom!

Maddox: You know, I don't know…(stammers) I'm gonna call shenanigans on this, Dick.

Dick: Why?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Because for the longest time, People Who Turn Left was in the positive territory and was outranking all the problems from last week. And then outta nowhere, all of a sudden…

Dick: No, I know why. It's because…It's because when you launched the podcast, it goes to your network of fans. That's why…your problems always start higher. Like, they always shoot up in the beginning.

Maddox: Mmm. (skeptical)

Dick: And then over time, like, casual listeners and fans of the show will listen. They'll listen and actually think about the problems.

Maddox: No. No, that's not true! (Sean laughs)

Dick: And then…

Maddox: (interjects) That's not…oookay.

Dick: (interjects) That's when it comes around to me. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Good…good theory, except for the part that it's entirely horseshit. Uh, so…when I bring in problems that the fans disagree with, like, for example, Fries. You idiots LOVE your French Fries. You voted that down into oblivion.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Fries is one of the lowest things on the list and I fucking think fries are so boring. You know what? If you guys like fries so much. If fries are so good, why do you always have to eat them with ketchup?

Dick: Well, fries are a condiment delivery system.

Maddox: Yeah, condiment delivery system.

Dick: That's what's so great about them.

Maddox: Yeah, so is my finger.

Dick: (cracks up) You just eat handfuls of ketchup?

Maddox: Ehhh. Whatever. And then Spoiler Crybabies from the live show, which you said doesn't count in the final vote…I think it does count, Dick. I'm gonna change the rules. And then The Pronoun 'They', then People Who Turn Left in the negative territory. I guess you guys are fucking morons. And then Having Sex in Weird Places. There you go.

Dick: That was last?!?! (incredulous)

Maddox: That was dead last.

Dick: Ohhhhhh. That's shameful.

Maddox: Yeah. I got a comment from Maya1. This girl says, "She is the worst guest they've had."

Dick: Oh, come on!

Maddox: "All her swear words are forced and her nose is fucking bullshit!"

Dick: Ohhhhh. What is that…why always picking on the appearances of everybody?

Maddox: What are you saying about the…like, there's nothing wrong with Ela's nose! That's great.

Dick: No. She's beautiful. (slightly creepy voice)

Maddox: Okay, Dick. I'm gonna barf all over this microphone. (Dick laughing) What do you got?

Dick: Um, you know where…I think I know where you screwed up with the People Who Turn Left problem.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Because I…I agree with you. I hate left turns.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, emphatically agree with you. It's the 'people' part. If it had just been Left Turns, I think you woulda got a lot of votes.

Maddox: Dick, it's ALWAYS the people. Left turns don't exist outside of people, Dick. Left turns…(laughs) There isn't just, like, a big pile of left turns causing problems. It's the people who choose to make left turns. That's why I specifically phrased it as that.

Dick: You're gettin' real existential on me lately.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: After your Oculus Rift eye-opening experience.

Maddox: It's changed my mind. Changed life.

Dick: I got a comment from Justin Wang. "I emphatically agreed when Dick brought up sex in weird places on the video podcast. Not surprised to see it downvoted by people who are probably desperate to even have sex in normal places." That's this guy saying that, I'm not saying that. "Sometimes when you travel a lot, you have to make do with what you can, but I think it's just never as enjoyable as when you have a nice clean bed, control of your environment, and all the time in the world." That's all I'm sayin!!!

Maddox: Uuuuuuuuugh. Crybabies. It's fun! It's adventurous, man. Someone pointed out in the YouTube comments. They said that you wanna be Sailor Man, and yet you won't have sex in weird places. Sai…that's all sailors do is have sex in weird places!

Dick: No, they don't! They only have sex when they come into port!

Maddox: Yeah. Those are weird places.

Dick: Port!?!? (Maddox laughs) A whorehouse?? That's not a weird place!

Maddox: Pretty weird. (laughs) Who has sex there? Hey, uh, I got a comment from JeffJimps on YouTube. He says, "Holy shit. This show and the other episodes are awful." (Dick guffaws) (Maddox chuckles)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And then someone names Misterburgers commented and said, "Get raped." (Dick and Maddox crack up)

Dick: This is on Youtube?

Maddox: This is on YouTube.

Dick: What kind of avatar does he have?

Maddox: Uh, just like a little dude sitting back.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And then I got another one from GeneralKenobi. He says, "Drop this already and go back to just writing." And then Misterburgers says, "Get raped." (Dick and Maddox crack up)

Dick: That's his…that's his catchphrase that he's trying to get caught on, huh?

Maddox: Another comment from Chickenpie. He says, "10 bucks says 99% of guys went and jerked off to Ela immediately after watching." Sounds like kind of a positive comment, right?

Dick: Oh, yeah. That's as positive as it gets, in my eyes.

Maddox: Misterburgers. "Get raped." (Maddox cracks up) Yeah. I got another comment, this one on Facebook. Uhh, his name's Daniel Eek. He says, "9/11 was just one big left turn with planes." (they all crack up)

Dick: Is that true?

Maddox: Probably.

Dick: Did they do a loop? Where do you leave from LaGuardia? They went out of LaGuardia or…

Maddox: (interjects) Boston, I believe. And then they…

Dick: Nah, they went outta New York.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They went outta New York, didn't they?

Maddox: I think they left in Boston and then went to New York.

Dick: Uh-oh. This is gonna be a disaster in the comments. (cracks up)

Maddox: Oh, boy. We're part of the truthers all of a sudden.

Dick: Um, let's see. Did you tell people they should be tweeting pictures of Harry packages to you?

Maddox: Yeah. Last episode, remember, Dick? It was last episode. I said, "If you guys get these packages, take a picture of it and tweet it at us and Harry's…"

Dick: Oh, the Harry's shave kit.

Maddox: Yeah. Harry's shave kit, yeah.

Dick: Oh, okay. I thought they were sending pictures of their testicles.

Maddox: No, not their…not their…that was a joke people were making, like, 'Hey Maddox, here's my balls." Idiots.

Dick: There was another Sativa Sean. Did you see that?

Maddox: No, I didn't see the new one.

Dick: Yeah. It said…it's a picture of Sean, you know, audio engineer. Dr. Feelgood over there.

Sean: Goddamnit. (Maddox and Dick chuckle)

Dick: And it says, "I know a thing or two about mids and highs." (Maddox laughs)

Sean: That's funny!

Maddox: Yeah, emphasis on highs.

Dick: Willjohn Todd. That one.

Sean: Well, it's not funny, really. It's funny to me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I, uh…I have something special for you, Dick. It's your favorite, favorite segment.

(Ritzy theme starts, Dick Versus Dick!!!!)

Dick: Ughhh. (Maddox laughs) This segment doesn't even make any sense.

Maddox: It always makes sense.

Dick: It's always out of context.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: It's such horse…it's such chickenshit, small-ball nonsense. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Small-ball! (laughing)

Dick: It's small-ball.

Maddox: You're small-ball. Hey, speaking of small-ball, uh, this comment comes from episode…way back in Episode 27. Jordan Bien-Aime, the fan, sent this in. He noticed this Dick Versus Dick, so thanks, Jordan. (Dick groans) This is from Episode 27. Listen to this.

(Sound clip of harp 'arpeggio'

Dick: Like me, don't like me. I don't give a shit." (harp continues)

Maddox: Yeah. You remember saying that, Dick?

Dick: That's it?

Maddox: And then…and then from last…

Dick: (interjects) I was a different man back then, though. A lot of months have gone by.

Maddox: Ohohoho!!! Sure. Yeah. Yeah. (grins) And then…and then, last episode, here's what you said.

(Harp arpeggio…

Dick: I care what people think about me. (Dick and Maddox laugh in real time) I'm not one of these enlightened individuals who doesn't care. I actually care." (harp continues)

Maddox: (laughing) You remember saying that, Dick?

Dick: Ah, fuck off. (Maddox crack up) You can…both of those things can be true. (grins)

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. You don't care about what people think about you, and you do care about what people think about you.

Dick: Look. Liking me or not liking me is different from having an opinion, like, a specific opinion about me.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Like, "Oh, I hate him, but he is funny." See?

Maddox: (groans) That is some…

Dick: (interjects) I don't care if you like me, I just want you to think I'm funny.

Maddox: Dick, that is some fancy verbal tapdancing you just did. Good job. Uh, that's all I got. You wanna get to the problems?

Dick: Uh, no, 'cause I have…I have a segment for you.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Dick: Hang on, lemme find this. Lemme find my segment…

Maddox: Maddox Versus Maddox. (grins) Is that…I'm just BRACING for it, one of these days.

(Theme song from Titanic starts)

Maddox: You motherfucker! (cracks up)

Dick: 'Cause you know what it means that Chump Syndrome won.

Maddox: Ohhh man, this makes me angry.

Dick: As everyone knows, Maddox has sworn not to watch the movie Titanic, so when he loses, I play 30 seconds of the movie Titanic so that eventually he has watched the whole thing.

Maddox: Yeah. I will never watch this movie. It's such a piece of shit.

Male voice starts to sing: "Maddox is an assshole…"

Dick: But then you said you would watch it.

Maddox: No, no, no. So, that was a bald-faced lie. For self preservation! I explained that already.

"He can go fuuuuuuuck himself…."

Dick: Oh, okay.

"His probleeeeeeeems all suck and he deseeeeeeerrrrrrves it."

Maddox: This fucking song. You know what, Dick?

Dick: What.

Maddox: I have something interesting about the Titanic, though. So, I was curious what exactly I said about the Titanic way back in the day, because I wrote that article in 1997. Fucking..this song!!! (Dick cracks up) I fucking hate this song! This fucking bullshit-ass song!!"

Dick: What did you say?! (grins)

Song continues…"Titanic cliiiiiiiiiiips…."

Maddox: You know what? Good. Fuck you. Whoever sang this song, fuck you. Because you had to listen to this song and you had to keep it in mind and make a parody of it.

"…can go oooooooon and go ooooooon and go oooooooonn…."

Dick: Yeah! I like this song.

Maddox: It's a fucking bullshit song, Dick! (Dick laughs) This isn't metal.

Dick: So what did you say? (grins) What did you say, back in the day?

Maddox: So I went back and looked at the articles.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I…I'd written at least three articles mentioning the Titanic and how much I hated it. And I was reading it and it refreshed my memory, I thought, "Oh wow, okay, this is exactly…" The entire movie, first of all, is contrived. That love story never happened. And it's a movie about adultery!

Dick: What are…

Maddox: Yeah! That's the whole fucking movie! It's just about adultery!

Dick: It's a movie about adultery? (skeptical)

Maddox: That's what it is!!!

Dick: That's a lot of romantic movies, though.

Maddox: (laughs) That's why I don't watch a lot of fucking bullshit-ass romantic movies!

Dick: So, what are you, like a priest?!

Maddox: No!

Dick: (Sean laughs) You don't like adultery in your movies? (laughs)

Maddox: Uh…you know what, Dick?

Dick: Do you score them, by, like, vices?! Ahh, there was adultery. There was blasphemy in that movie!

Maddox: Because people champion this movie like some great fuckin' love story! It's not. It's a woman who cheated on her boyfriend! (yells) That's all it is!! It's a woman who's too much of a pussy. Too much of a coward to confront her abusive boyfriend and say, "Enough's enough. I'm gonna walk away. I'm done!" She just went behind his back and cheated because she doesn't have the moral fortitude! She doesn't have the balls! She doesn't have a backbone to confront her boyfriend and dump him before she goes and shacks up with this loser!

Sean: Why are you so invested in this!? (Dick laughs)

Dick: So, did you read the plot or something on Wikipedia? (grins)

Maddox: No, no, no. This was the old article I read a lot time ago.

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How did you write that without watching the movie, then?

Maddox: I inferred. I think I must have read about it.

Dick: You inf…you read about it.

Maddox: I read some reviews and I inferred, yeah. I wrote a review for lots of movies that I haven't watched, but way back in the day.

Dick: So you like movies like "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez. Like, women who are strong and stand up for themselves. You wanna watch that one? (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: No, man. I dunno. I've never seen that movie.

Dick: Alright, well you're watching Titanic now. When we last…what?

Maddox: I have…I have one other important revelation.

Dick: Oh, great.

Maddox: I was looking specifically for the phrase where I said I would never watch Titanic, and I didn't find it in my old articles.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: I had just made that statement verbally. So, uh…

Dick: And it became part of your mythos.

Maddox: It became part of my consciousness, yeah.

Dick: Okay, well, when we last left Titanic…

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: A bunch of uh…aqua machines and submarines were down at the bottom of the sea, filming a documentary. But then, when they shut the documentary off, they were up to something else.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? And they were just sending out their little probe, like the guy in the back of Optimus Prime.

Maddox: Anal probes. Stupid fucking movie.

Dick: Look, Maddox.

(Movie clip starts up again in the background)

Maddox: I'm not looking.

Dick: Look at this stuff. That's a boot! There's a boot on the floor. A beautiful woman might have worn that boot.

Maddox: My eyes are closed.

Dick: And some glasses.

Maddox: Yeah…oh, great. Yeah, glasses. They're gonna find glasses intact at the bottom of the sea?

Dick: Look at this. A child's mask. A porcelain doll mask. That was once held by a child on this vessel!

Maddox: I don't give a fuck what was held by a child. Gross.

Dick: This is a whole…a whole life lost under the sea.

(Voices from the movie in the background)

Maddox: Yeah, you know how many other ships have sunk? All anyone cares about is the Titanic. I also wrote about that. 'Cause…(stammers) Oh, we're focusing on Titanic 'cause of the stupid fucking plot, contrived bullshit.

Dick: Look! Did you see that guy had something that looked like the Oculus Rift?

Maddox: No.

Dick: That he was using. Do you wanna watch it again?

Maddox: No! I…I'm good! I'm good, Dick.

Dick: Even if it might be an Oculus Rift thing?

Maddox: It's not an Oculus Rift, 'cause that movie came out in, like, 1996.

Dick: It was a precursor, though. (grins)

Maddox: I don't give a shit.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Fucking horseshit.

Dick: Oh, I got a voicemail. You wanna hear it?

Maddox: Great.

(Voice mail: (male voice pretending to be Bono but sounding an awful lot like a leprechaun) "A fine day to ya, boys." (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Bono! (laughs)

"This be Bono. Your ambassador to the (garbled) fuckin' Cookie Tree. (Maddox laughs) Now, for the last week, I've been fighting a bout of the ol' hay fever."

Dick: Oh.

"Me nose is more stuffed up than Elton John's butthole." (they all crack up) "That's right, everything …………..has found me a…and just in time for old St. Patty's day. I was unwinding after a long, brutal day of …………." (Maddox and Dick laughs) And poured meself a glass of me new favorite libation, Fireball Whiskey."

Maddox: Ohohho!!!

Dick: Oh, fuck you, Bono!!

"I took a few sips, all of me troubles faded away." (Maddox and Dick giggle) So impressed that I went so far as to make Fireball Whiskey the official pseudowhiskey of U2 and…….. (Dick cracks up loudly) So when you boys next be enjoying a glass of Fireball, not only can you feel like real men, you can make a bold statement. A statement that you love and stand with U2 and all of our fans in cinnamon solidarity. (Maddox, Dick, and Sean crack up) Until next time, boys, may you have walls for the winds, roofs for the rains, and a dick for fucking yourself. Bono out." (They all crack up again)

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: Why is that guy so funny? (laughing)

Maddox: What, Bono? U2's Bono? That's U2's Bono calling!

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. He's really funny.

Maddox: Big fan of the show. Yeah. I didn't know he was such a funny dude. You know, um, yeah. He took time from his long, hard, grueling days of philanthropy to call into the show. (grins)

Dick: Yeah. (grinning)

Maddox: Thanks, Bono.

Dick: God bless him. Alright, you wanna get to some problems?

Maddox: Yeah. What do you got this week, Dick?

Dick: My first problem is Smartphone Fact-Finding Fuckheads.

Maddox: Oooh, okay.

(Sound clip: Clapping)

Maddox: That's…that sounds promising. What do you got?

Dick: Well…this has been bugging me for a long time, and it started…I'm gonna base it off this email that Kyle Simmons wrote. You remember a few episodes ago when you…you paused the episode to look up a stats. (Maddox guffaws) On the life expectancy of people 100 years ago, right?

Maddox: Uh, yeah. I wanted to verify, yes.

Dick: You wanted to verify.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause there was some curiosity over whether or not it was as low as you were saying it was.

Maddox: You INSISTED that it wasn't and it sounded like you knew something I didn't, and I thought, "No, I'm not crazy. I know this is pretty much a fact. I just have to verify it."

Dick: Pretty much a fact. Then that's where the magic lies.

Maddox: I'm pretty sure it was a fact.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's where…I mean, in the poker game of life, the "I'm pretty sure I'm making the right move here." Is where the magic is. That thin…that asymptotic line that you can get to, where you don't know for sure, but you're pretty sure.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: That's when…that's when the magic happens. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's when you start risking things.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like reputation. (Maddox chuckles) That's when you start looking like an asshole, you know what I mean?

Maddox: When you started getting Dick Versus Dicks?

Dick: Aaaaaaaah, nope! Nope. Not then.

Maddox: No? (grins)

Dick: When you start maybe being the big R-word.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: 'Wrong'. (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: I thought you meant the other big R-word, roundabout. The three-word one? (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: You know my life motto. ABC. Always Be Trolling. (Maddox and Dick crack up laughing)

Maddox: Oh, yeah, Dick. You're fucking trying to…you're backpedaling…this is what you're doing. You're backpedaling so hard, you're trying to save face. (Dick laughs)

Dick: No, look.

Maddox: Yeah, anyway.

Dick: So you paused the episode.

Maddox: You're…you're projecting, by the way. This is all projection.

Dick: Projecting what? (incredulous)

Maddox: You're projecting…you're saying that, "Oh, that's…."

Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute. What are you talking about?!!?

Maddox: That's your…that's what you do, Dick. That's what YOU rely on, and you're projecting that.

Dick: Rely on what? What do you mean? What do I rely on?

Maddox: Oh, that, you know, where you wager your reputation and your…the magic lies in this little thin area here. You're projecting. This is…

Dick: (interjects) How is that projection?

Maddox: This is Oculus…this is…

Sean: Nice armchair psychology going on. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Yeah, what are you…explain. Stop saying the word "projecting".

Sean: Maddox Versus Maddox.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What do you mean?

Maddox: This is Oculus Dick, here. 'Cause you see things through your prism, so you think that other people are kinda doin' the same thing. (grins)

Dick: No,no, no, no. I'm saying when you get to a point where you have a stat in your head…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And you think it's…you think it's true.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You have to make the deci…without looking it up, you have to make the decision to either go with it or not. You have to base choices on that and make statements based on something that you don't know for sure, but you believe in it.

Maddox: Well, Dick, I agree that you are saying those words. So, go on. What is…

Dick: Oookay. So. So. (Maddox chuckles) You pause the episode.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: I tried.

Dick: To look it up.

Maddox: I tried.

Dick: Yeah, but I don't like pausing conversations. You know that about me.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Especially to look up stats that I think are worthless.

Maddox: To carry in a point being made. Yes, go on.

Dick: So, you found that the life expectancy, which is now, like, 80. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And you looked it up, 'cause you said it was 50, and that seemed low to me, and you looked it up and the computer said…Google said it is, in fact, 50.

Maddox: No. It said it was more than double. It had more than doubled since, like, the 19th century. The turn of the 19th century.

Dick: So it was down at 40?

Maddox: Yeah, it was around 40.

Dick: Look, it was a big drop. A drop that I thought was staggering, right?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: So you looked it up and the conversation continued after that, as much as it could. It limped along after that.

Maddox: Ooookay. (annoyed)

Dick: This guy, Kyle Simmons, and this is my point. He says, "Hey Dick, just wanted to let you know that the average life expectancy was so much lower because the infant mortality rate was so much higher . People still lived to be pretty much the same age as we do now, they were just more likely to die as a baby, so cram this dildo of knowledge down Maddox's throat."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Unnecessary. I dunno why he put that. "Ps, your hair fucking rules. Love, I'm crazy for Swayze." (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: What's that guy's…

Dick: It's the shout-outs that these emails throw in at the end.

Maddox: Yeah. What's that guy's name?

Dick: His real name?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Kyle Simmons.

Maddox: Kyle Simmons. Oh, too bad, Kyle Simmons. Too bad you didn't actually look more into those stats.

Dick: Oh, Christ.

Maddox: Because, they didn't count babies in that mortality rate. In fact, if they had counted babies in that mortality rate, it drops the mortality rate, or, the life expectancy to about, like, 14 years, or something absurd, because so many…

Dick: 14?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah, because that's when the majority of people die is when they're babies. They don't make it out of child birth. So they only count people who grow past the age of 6 or something like that. Because otherwise it totally throws off the skew. Uh, so, sorry, dickhead. No. That doesn't count.

Dick: Look.

Maddox: Here.

(Sound clip: 'Wrong buzzer')

Maddox: There you go.

Dick: Here's my point. Here's why Smartphone Fact-finding Fuckheads is a problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because none of this shit matters.

Maddox: Uh-huh. (annoyed)

Dick: What matters is, it's interesting to me that you think the life expectancy is so incredibly low and I don't believe it. That's the interesting part. What's interesting is why you think that, to me. And that's…this fact-finding fuckery…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's happening because of smartphones.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is just killing conversations. All day, every day. And that's a huge problem to me!

Maddox: Um, you know Dick, I am so glad that you brought this up. Uh, because I really wanted to talk about this. 'Cause that was a really interesting thing you said during that episode.

Dick: Here we go.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No! (laughs) You waiting for that backhanded compliment, 'cause it's coming.

Dick: It's…that was a backhanded compliment. I'm waiting for the other slap. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: The other slap's comin', buddy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, that was really interesting, what you said, because you think it's interesting that I may have a perspective that may be incorrect based on some, uh…nonfactual knowledge. Right? You think that's interesting, rather than the actual fact that supports the point that makes a solid argument in favor or against whatever I'm saying. Right? You think the process is more interesting than the conclusion.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Stupid. (Maddox guffaws)

Dick: That's stupid. What's more important?

(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: " Crazy!")

Maddox: Dick, what's more important is the actual cohesive argument. That's what's important. Not whether or not I may have read a wrong statistic or I got my facts jumbled or confused in my mind. And here's the second point I wanna bring up. I'll get back to this. But the second point I wanted to bring up is, I thought this was a really interesting problem you brought in this week, because I thought you were specifically going to talk about how the fact-finding dickheads kill conversations.

Dick: Yeah, they do.

Maddox: But usually, the fact-finding dickheads…this is the type of conversation…this actually happened to me two days ago. I was sitting around talking about the movie "Jurassic Park". And my friend and I couldn't remember for the life of us who the actor was. The main actor.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: The guy with the big wart on his face?

Dick: Here we go! This…and some asshole is like, it's a gunslinger.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In the Wild West.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If someone doesn't know a fact, BOOM. They bust 'em out of their pockets and it's like Quick Draw McGraw with their smartphones.

Maddox: Right. Aaaaaaand, the name of the actor was irrelevant to our conversation.

Dick: Totally irrelevant.

Maddox: It could have made no difference. In fact, I literally said, "It makes no difference." Let's just say his name was Bill, or Bob. It makes absolutely no difference.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because we're not talking about that actor, we're just talking about Jurassic Park, right?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So, of course, the conversation got derailed and we went on this fact-finding mission for this irrelevant information. However, the difference with that conversation that we had on our episode where I was talking about life expectancy, you were disputing a fact that I was making, so that was relevant. That was something that we had to know before we went on, not a superfluous little tidbit of information like the actor from Jurassic Park.

Dick: Slippery slope. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No! It's a very clearly outlined slope.

Dick: Look, I agree with what you're saying. I agree with what you're saying that sometimes effect can be relevant. Uh, Sean and I were driving over here and he was asking when opening day was, and I looked it up on my phone. 'Cause…opening day for the Dodgers Stadium.

Maddox: Yeah. No, yeah.

Dick: Right? 'Cause I go to opening day every year at Dodger's Stadium.

Maddox: Explain what opening day is to people who…

Dick: (interjects) Opening day of baseball. First day of the…first home game of the season. Is opening day. It's a big party. They fly the B-2 bomber over the stadium.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Usually the stealth bomber.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, lot of fun. We get drunk. Uh…

Maddox: Don't blink, or you'll miss it.

Dick: Oh…

Maddox: The bomber. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. 'Cause it's so quiet, man. It's like a UFO.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That comes in.

Maddox: And it's, like, gone in a second, too. It's like, "Well, okay. I guess that was cool."

Sean: What do you want it to do, hover?

Dick: What do you mean? Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: I'd just fly around a couple times, you know. Drop some streamers. Some smoke…some smoke streamers. Something.

Dick: I am…smoke streamers? Out of a B-2 war machine?

Maddox: Eh, they'll figure it out. (Dick and Sean laugh) I believe in America, Dick.

Dick: Yeah. I think they like to still have some respect for themselves, though. (grins) When they're flying it over. Like, this is a show of our military might.

Maddox: Ah, come on. Blue Angels! Blue Angels is a show of our military might, buddy.

Dick: Yeah. Alright. Uh…I like to do that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Even bringing this problem in, I was looking it up on my phone, and I'm like "Yeah." There's definitely a difference between something that's relevant…like…this will help the conversation. Right now, the conversation is stymied on knowing this fact. So I'm looking it up. But usually, like in the case of the guy from Jurassic Park, it's just not.

Maddox: Yeah, so that's where I thought you were going more with this problem.

Dick: Well, I am!

Maddox: That is…that is the gist of your problem, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. I'm on board with that. Because it does derail conversations and it's not fucking important. Look, guys. Try to transport yourselves to a time before cell phones existed. Or before you had this…this little book of knowledge with you at all times, called Wikipedia, that you could look up any fucking time you want. I'm going to…submit the following criteria on whether or not you should go on a fact-finding mission during your conversation.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Ask yourself if it's relevant to the conversation. Then, if knowing that knowledge changes anything, because usually, if you just say, "Oh, I knew it!" And then you just move on, no one fucking cares! No one cares that you knew it, or you thought you knew it, or it was somebody…it's that little itch that you gotta scratch inside your brain. It's like, "Ohhh, I have that, it's just on the tip of my tongue."

Dick: It's just selfish gratification.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like jerking off in the middle of the conversation. It is just as offensive as just jerking off. Because it's just…oh, I need this. I need to satisfy this curiosity. For me.

Maddox: That's a great way of putting it, Dick. I agree. It's intellectual jerking off.

Dick: No, I…I was talking to this girl last night. I was driving her home, and she was telling me something about, like, a cricket league. And she threw out the acronym, and I said, "What does that stand for?" Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: An…ANZAR…something like that? Not relevant at all.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? Just to get her talking. You know.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: You gotta keep 'em talking.

Maddox: (scoffs) Sure.

Dick: Keep the rational mind working so the…

Maddox: Ohhhh. (groans)

Dick: …sex mind can, you know. (Maddox laughs) So the one hand doesn't know what the other's doing. Do you know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Do you actually know this psychological theory? This principal that you're quoting here?

Dick: I mean, I've done extensive research.

Maddox: Have you, really?

Dick: In this field.

Maddox: This is an actual thing.

Dick: What?

Maddox: It's true. What you're saying.

Dick: What I'm saying is true?

Maddox: What you're saying is true.

Dick: Tell me more. What do you mean?

Maddox: Uh, I listened to this episode of RadioLab a long time ago and they talked about how the rational mind and the subconscious are two different things.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they gave specifically an example where, on average, the average person can remember around 7 digits at any given time. More than 7, they start to drop off. It's a big Bell curve, and then anything before 7 is fine. Everyone can remember up to 7 digits. So, they gave people, as an experiment, different numbers of digits to memorize, and then the researchers said, "Okay, go down the hallway to this other room and get a refreshment." The people who were memorizing numbers that were less than 7, like 4-digit numbers, 5-digit numbers?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: When they were offered snacks of grapes or chocolate cake, they overwhelmingly chose the healthier option, which is grapes. And then the people who were memorizing seven digits or more overwhelmingly chose chocolate cake!

Dick: Whaaaaaat? (shocked) So science is proving my…this is a great Dick tip, by the way. (Maddox laughs) If you keep 'em…if you keep their mind working…

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: They will satisfy their baser impulses.

Maddox: Their primal…yeah, their primal impulses.

Dick: Are you kidding me?!?!

Maddox: And this isn't a Dick tip, Dick! I just fucking said it. (angry)

Dick: Yeah, but I threw it into getting laid. I took science and applied it.

Maddox: Yeah. You know what? You get the Dick tip, but then they get the Maddox shaft. (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah, it's a shaft, alright.

Maddox: Yeah, but that's an actual true principle that actually works.

Dick: Well, the fuckin' phone killed it! Because instead of trying to remember, and, like, telling me…instead of this girl coming up with what this acronym was, she pulled out her phone and started looking for it, and I was like, "Ohhh, God." And then I went off into a rant about looking up facts on your smartphone.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And, next thing you know, I gotta start over. I gotta start the seduction process over again. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: I didn't know you started it to begin with, if you're talking about, what? The acronym of cricket.

Dick: She was…she was interested in it.

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: She was talking about home.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Talking about her dad? Did you ask her how her dad is?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: How her relationship with her dad is?

Dick: Yeah, of course.

Maddox: Yeah. And, so…how'd that play out, Dick? Did you, uh…did you end up bedding this chick?

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Oh, did you?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Was it someone you already knew, or totally new?

Dick: Ehhh, I knew her.

Maddox: Mmm, okay.

Dick: I knew her from before.

Maddox: That doesn't count. (laughs) Sorry. I'll give you partial credit for that, Dick.

Dick: Yeah, you know, I do think…like, I get where you're coming from with your whole stats thing. But I do think it's more interesting to nail people down onto why they think a stats is the way it is? Versus looking it up. (Maddox chuckles) Like that age thing?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because you look it up, and we just move on. You don't learn about someone's, like, beliefs of how society was back then with the age thing specifically.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or someone's…someone's prejudices. Not negatively, but just, like, about the way they see things back in the day.

Maddox: You know, Dick, that explanation is good; however, I don't think it applied to knowing the mortality rate in the context of that conversation. Because that…that means absolutely no…like, I'm not…I have no opinion about the mortality rate in and around the turn of century. It is what it is, whether I look it up and it's 30 years old, or 40 year old, or 50 years old, it's just a number, and it was to prove a point that humanity…remember the argument we were having? I was saying that humanity has improved the mortality rate over time. And you were using that as an argument. Uh, the context was to say that the Oculus Rift isn't gonna work as we suspect, because humanity always fails, bla bla bla.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I gave an example that the mortality rate has improved over time. It was relevant. I change my mind.

Dick: It was relevant.

Maddox: It was relevant. It was relevant. But, uh…my opinion of that number is irrelevant. That's not interesting.

Dick: Yeah, see, I think it is!!

Maddox: No.

Dick: I think it is, though.

Maddox: Why? Why? Tell me why. I not only don't think that that's the most interesting part, I don't think that's interesting at all.

Dick: Nah, it's interesting to me.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: 'Cause I wanna know why you think that. Like, I wanna know why you think that. Like, I wanna know why that piece of data is important to you, first of all.

Maddox: Dick, I read it…well, you know why it's important in the context of that argument. But I read it in a book. That's why I think that. I read it in a book somewhere.

Dick: But it's in contention. Like, even this guy here, Kyle Simmons, has an opinion on it. Like, it's not…he's got counterfacts for it.

Maddox: Yeah. He's…he's got an uninformed opinion. That's why I have that little disclaimer on the Comments section on the website…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: …that says Uninformed Opinions. Go ahead and place them here. And then my…our fans listen to it. They post their uninformed opinions. 'Cause that guy…if you include…again, if you include babies in that mortality rate, it drastically throws the average off.

Dick: Well, now I don't know who to believe.

Maddox: (sighs) Well, Dick. You should always put your trust in me.

Dick: That's the thing. I don't know who to believe now, and I didn't learn anything about anybody.

Maddox: Okay. So…does that undermine what you said, or what I said? Think about it, Dick.

Dick: You.

Maddox: (laughing) Dick…

Dick: (interjects) I didn't have to think very long. Look it up on Google. Who does that undermine? Me or you?

Maddox: Yeah. Great. (sarcastic)

Dick: Uh, the average user…the average cell phone user reaches for their phone at 7:30 AM in the morning. I got some stats on the Daily Mail. Uh…they spend 3 hours and 16 minutes per day on their phone, which amounts to one full day a week.

Maddox: I believe that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's crazy. Uh…4 out of 10 people admit feeling lost without their gadgets.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. It's an addiction. It's absolutely an addiction. You know, Dick, I went through…way back in the day. And when I had a QWERTY phone that wasn't a total piece of shit like the one I have now…

Dick: QWERTY for people who don't know, is the keyboard.

Maddox: Yeah. The full physical keyboard. When I had a really good phone, it was the Nokia E-90. If you guys look this up. This phone had by far the best mobile keyboard I've ever used. I could type so fast on this thing. There was a control…a dedicated Control key. A Tab key. There was a Pipe key.

Dick: Oh, my God.

Maddox: And I used all of these things to SSH into my Shell server and do actual work.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I could run Quake on this phone. Quake would run and it was networked through Bluetooth.

Dick: I've heard of that.

Maddox: It was unbelievable. So, this keyboard allowed me to type so fast that I would sometimes send up to 20 text messages in under a minute to different people, different groups, organizing events, telling people where to be, what time to show up.

Dick: Wait, what is…what are you, like, a community organizer?

Maddox: Y…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean? What are you doin'?

Maddox: I was…I was organizing different pe…I was telling people where to show up for different groups that I was in at the time.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah, that sort of thing. So I was sending out so many texts…out of curiosity, I thought, "I wonder how many texts I'm sending in a month." And I did the math and I went to my cell provider and I looked at the total number of text messages. Then I looked at the average length of each one of my text messages, converted it to words, and then converted the number of words to pages, and it turned out, I had written around 120 pages of texts just through my cell phone, through sending text messages, in one month.

Dick: That's a lot.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's not as alarming to me as the amount of analysis you put into, like, your life.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, analyzing your bills and calculating words per text and stuff?

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: I don't do any of that.

Maddox: Yeah, I know. I know, Dick. Uh…

Dick: Do you know anyone else who does that?

Maddox: Uh, no, I don't. I don't know as many people who are as introspective.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, well. That's my problem. It is an addiction. And if you call anyone on it, they say the same…it's…they say the same that an addict says. "I had to do it." "I have this curiosity that I have. I had to satisfy it."

Maddox: Yeah. They can't…they can't not touch their cell phones. It's insane. It's…it's an addiction. Uh, but speaking of other addictions, Dick. I got an addiction for you.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Being an Idiot. (Dick scoffs) Specifically, being a Well-Intentioned Idiot. That's my problem this week, Dick.

Dick: Oh!!

Maddox: Well-Intentioned Idiots. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick: Like your article.

Maddox: Yeah. So, I wrote this article.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It got spread around quite a bit. I hate to use the word "viral", but…it resonated with a lot of people.

Dick: Yeah, I'll be honest. I was surprised.

Maddox: About the article?

Dick: That it resonated with so many people.

Maddox: Oh, I…

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I don't know that…it didn't upset me at all, and it upset you a lot.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it looks like it upset a lot of other people, too, but I mean, that's your thing. Like, you know what people think.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, so, let's fill in the people who don't know. The article is titled "The Dancing Man and the Cult of Well-Intentioned Idiots". Uh, Dick, about a week and a half, two weeks ago, there was this picture that showed up on 4chan, of this fat guy. And there was a caption on the picture that said, "Spotted this specimen trying to dance the other week. (Dick chuckles) He stopped when he saw us laughing." Okay? That's a very mean-spirited comment. It shows this fat guy, who was in motion in one shot, and then the second shot shows him looking down and a little bit sad. (dorky sad voice)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Little bit…the only problem is, this was posted in the /b forum on 4chan, and lemme read you the heading for /b. It says, "The stories and information posted here are artistic works of fiction and falsehood. Only a fool would take anything posted here as fact."

Dick: Yeah. That's just a…I think that's more of a general disclaimer, though, to get them away from, like, all the illegal stuff everybody always talks about doing.

Maddox: Well, possibly, but it…

Dick: (interjects) Like, I believe what you're saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That…that it didn't happen the way the kid said it did. 'Cause it seems like they're bragging about making a fat guy feel bad. And then I already think that's bullshit. Like, I think they didn't do it.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, there's just simply no evidence for any of this. Look, if you ask somebody…so, this group of women…

Dick: (interjects) Sorry, can I interrupt you for one second?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sean, do you understand what he's talking about? 'Cause you were…I dunno if you saw this dancing fat guy thing? But does it make sense the way Maddox is describing it?

Sean: Yeah. I saw a little bit about it.

Dick: Okay. I'm just making sure, 'cause I'm very familiar with this, and I wanna make sure someone who isn't…

Maddox: Crystal clear, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: I'm in.

Maddox: Alright. We're all on the same page. This group of women in Los Angeles. There's this group called GNI. And it's all girls only.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Just a bunch of girls in this group!

Dick: Sexist.

Maddox: It's a hidden…it is, I believe, because I don't know of any groups that are just…that I'm part of that are just guys. I don't…I don't join any groups, like, "Oh, hey guys…oh, men only here." Who gives a shit?

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: So this group is women's only. And they decided to throw a little something for this guy. They decided to, first of all, put out a virtual manhunt to find this guy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then, they wanted to throw him a party with just 1700 women dancing for him.

Dick: That sounds pretty cool! That's why I didn't get why you were pissed off about it! Like, that sounds like a dream…like, this guy fell into an oil well! He fell into a pot of gold!

Maddox: What if he's gay, Dick?

Dick: He…gay guys like dancin' with broads.

Maddox: Do they?

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: Why? Why, specifically? Because they're making an assumption about this guy's sex. Why specifically?

Dick: Nooooo!! 'Cause chicks are fun!

Maddox: Are they?

Dick: They…you know what?

Maddox: These chicks? They sound…

Dick: (interjects) Ehhh, Pshyeah, probably.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 1700 chicks? They've probably got a lot of fun ones in there! They like dancing. Yeah!!

Maddox: More projection! More projecting.

Dick: How is---

Maddox: (interjects) Dick's projecting what he likes onto other people. That's what this is.

Dick: Maddox!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a bunch of chicks that like dancing. They're party girls. (grins) They pride themselves on their ability to have fun.

Maddox: Dick, it's condescending. Why don't you let this man have his dignity and…he's not a fucking baby! He's not a child! If someone actually…look. If this happened exactly as this troll says on 4chan, and they actually made this guy stop dancing by laughing at him?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: First of all, he's an adult and he can handle it his fucking self. And second, you're trusting this person, this anonymous person, this commenter on 4chan, who has said this mean thing about this person, so at best, this person is ambiguous! (angry) Ethically ambiguous! And at worse, he's malevolent. So you're choosing to trust the words of a malevolent person who's making this claim about this picture! This non-contextualized picture! If you look at that picture again, it looks like he could just be looking down to reach for his cell phone! In fact, given the stats that you just cited, Dick, it's more likely that he was reaching for his cell phone than he was dancing in this room full of people.

Dick: Oh, I agree. I agree. However, as…the guy doesn't matter. The guy's irrelevant.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: As soon as it gets posted to the Internet, the context BECOMES the story. Do you see what I'm saying? Like, the guy…as soon as those kids said "We did this." "We made this fat guy feel bad for dancing."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It doesn't matter what actually happened. Now, the context is the story. It's an ideology. So, the response is, to me, has nothing to do with the guy and it's just a bunch of girls who wanna make people feel good about dancing.

Maddox: They want to make themselves feel good. This is narcissism!

Dick: Uh, yeah. (unsure)

Maddox: They want attention. Look, Dick. They said in this…so, they created this flier that they started tweeting around, and all these…all the, you know, the 'Hive', the 'Hive' got a hold of it and they started retweeting it…

Dick: Find the fat man?

Maddox: Yeah. Find the Fat Man, is, I believe, the hashtag. (Dick laughs) It was find fattie. #findfattie.

Dick: Was it?!?!

Maddox: No. (laughs)

Dick: What was it, like find the dancing man?

Maddox: It's #finddancingman.

Dick: Oh, please.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, because that's the dimension. That's the one vertice that they're okay to glom onto.

Dick: Yeah. (grins) The cops show up. "Hey, can you describe the guy?" Oh, he was dancing.

Maddox: Yeah! (laughs) You know, the dancing guy!!?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Anything else?" "Uh, he had a striped shirt on."

Dick: "Uuuum, yeah."

Maddox: "Anything physical? Anything going on there?"

Dick: "He was wearing glasses."

Maddox: Glasses. Um, white guy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's okay to say "white", yeah. He's white.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Anything else?

Dick: Oh, uh, he was 600 pounds. (Sean cracks up)

Maddox: Oh, he was morbidly obese? (Dick cracks up) Why didn't you start with that, fuckface? No, "find dancing man".

Dick: My friend actually once said to me, legitimately, "Yeah, I don't think it's appropriate for there to be race, in, like, APB, when the police are looking for a suspect. Like, give me one legitimate reason why they would have race in that." And I'm, like, "Are you fucking kidding me?" It's, like, the most identifiable thing about you if you're being sought after!

Maddox: It's the most identifiable dimension of your description, dickhead!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Of COURSE it's relevant.

Dick: Anyway.

Maddox: If someone's wearing glasses, I'm gonna be, like, "Yeah, the guy over there with the glasses." I'm trying to be efficient with my language and just point out the person. If someone's over there and black, I'm gonna…yeah. The black guy. If he's standing amongst a bunch of black people, then I'm gonna use something else that's descriptive.

Dick: Yeah. Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. So, they're looking for this guy, and they put this big flier out. It says, "CANT BRING ME DOWN". "Can't" is missing an apostrophe. (Dick giggles) Then they said, "Dancing Man…"

Dick: (interjects) Sean's face. (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. They said, "Dancing Man, we don't know much about you." Uh, correction, idiots. You don't know anything. Anything about him.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You don't know that he was dancing, even. You don't know that he was shamed, even. You don't know that he was sad, even. You don't know that he's not part of a Witness Protection Program and he doesn't want to be found, even! You don't know that he's taking some time off from work and he doesn't want his boss to see this picture of him because he's not supposed to be there! You don't know anything about this guy. NOTHING.

Dick: That's a stretch, though. The Witness Protection one.

Maddox: Dick, you don't know anything! If you don't know anything about someone and you're just publicizing this picture to MILLIONS of people on…based on an assumption. Based on the context of a troll who said something mean about him…

Dick: Yeah. But are you really concerned about him getting outed doing something he's not…like, I feel like a lot of your righteous indignation comes from these girls are self-seving narcissists and they're parading around like they're doing a good thing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they're anti-bullies, but they're really just making themselves feel good. It's not really about the Witness Protection stuff.

Maddox: Di…no, Dick, it's not about that. What this is about is that these girls, they don't even realize it. Their good will and their good cheer…they're well intentioned.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: By doing this, by spreading his image to millions of people, they have, in effect, bullied this man into coming out into the public! They put so much pressure on him. Millions of people are looking for somebody. What are you gonna do, just sit in your closet and hope that nobody…there were people who…

Dick: (interjects) Eating Ho-Hos?

Maddox: There were people…(laughs) (Dick laughs) Good one, Dick. There were people who were looking for this guy, and some dude, I think his name is Marcus or something. Tucker Marcus, something like that? And this dude…

Dick: (interjects) Whoa.

Maddox: Posted a picture of his guy. He said, "I think I found him." So, of course, the dancing man has been outed. And now, whether he likes it or not, he feels pressured to come out because millions of bullies are looking for him! They have bullied this man, who may have not even been bullied to begin with!!!

Dick: Alright. Bullied into going to a rave held in his honor!? (incredulous) What…is that SO bad?

Maddox: It's a literal pity party, Dick! Leave this man his dignity! Maybe he was shamed, maybe he wasn't! (angry) What if it turns out he wasn't shamed at all, and now because he's fat, everyone feels pity for him? And these same fucking women wouldn't give him the time of day in real life! They would never come up to this guy! I had so many fat…

Dick: Oh, that's absolutely true.

Maddox: Yeah, absolutely fucking true.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And that's why it's so condescending, Dick. Because there's a line in here. It says, "We are prepared to throw you quite the dance party just for you if you'd have us. To be clear, it's 1,727 of us. And, we are all women." (snobby tone) Now, the presumption here is that the Dancing Man cares that he is going to get attention from women! They're assuming that he doesn't already!

Dick: Women are more fun! That's a real thing! I know there's research on that!

Maddox: You…listen to the argu…listen to the argument I just said.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: The presumption is that this man doesn't get attention from women already.

Dick: Wait a minute. Why is that the presumption? They're just saying they're throwing a big party and it's gonna be full of chicks.

Maddox: He's…they're specifically saying, "To be clear, it's 1727 of us. And we are all women."

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: As if that's a selling point. As if somebody…

Dick: (interjects) You don't think that is?!?!?

Maddox: Dick, it's only a selling point to somebody who doesn't already…what if he's already getting the attention of 1, 700 women?

Dick: Uh, hey. Double down. That sounds like a good deal!

Maddox: Dick, it's condescending. You're as…you're making an assumption about this guy that he doesn't get attention from women…

Dick: Ugh. (scoffs)

Maddox: And B…A, that he doesn't. And B, that he wants it or needs it.

Dick: I think that's a safe assumption to make that throwing someone party is nice! Especially if it's full of women!

Maddox: Dick, whether…

Dick: (interjects) You don't think so?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Di…(stammers) Look. Whether or not it's true is irrelevant.

Dick: I mean, odds are, it's true.

Maddox: Odds are, it's true. I agree.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I agree. And, you know what, guys? This guy MAY actually want this attention. He may want it. And he MAY be okay with this. But you don't know that and he might not want to, but now we can never know for sure, because he's been pressured and bullied into coming out into the public! And, in fact, Dick, I have a quote from the Dancing Man. Once they found him, all these people, all the media outlets were trying to get attention…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, sure. (grins)

Maddox: And interview with him, right?

Dick: Gotta sell ads.

Maddox: He tweeted to ABC. ABC's Gisella, uh, one of the anchors on there? He says, "I'm trying to keep a low profile. Turned down a couple interviews yesterday as well. Promise will provide interview when there" blank, 'cause it's fucking Twitter and it got cut off. (Dick cracks up) But he specifically said he's trying to keep a low profile.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why do you think that is, Dick?

Dick: 'Cause he probably doesn't like the spotlight.

Maddox: Doesn't like the spotlight.

Dick: I mean, that's not weird.

Maddox: But now he has the pressure of millions of people breathing down his neck to behave in a certain way to fit in this narrative that he's been bullied, which we don't even fucking know!! (yells) Whatever happened to fact checking?! Whatever happened to journalism?

Dick: Well, this is just a bunch of chicks, though. They're not journalists.

Maddox: No, but you know who is a journalist, Dick? ABC-7. Here's what they said.

Dick: Brian Williams?

(Sound clip from ABC: "…heard the expression "Dance like no one's watching"? Well, that cyber bully nearly dashed one (Dick: Uh-oh!!) UK man's dancing dream. (Maddox: Yeah.)")

Maddox: So they say. Without doing any fact checking.

Dick: Cyber bullying. (mutters)

Maddox: Without one iota of evidence! And here's what they follow up with.

(Sound clip: "But thanks to some viral vindication, that body shaming victim is... (Dick sighs) (Maddox: Victim.) soon to be center stage at a star-studded dance part here in LA with more ladies than he can count!")

Maddox: Oh!! (pretends to swoon)

Dick: Well, if he wasn't a victim, then he was when they put it all over the news.

Maddox: Eeeexactly.

Dick: Like, even if the story was fake, he turns on the TV and goes, "Oh, everyone's making fun of me 'cause I'm fat?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or "Everyone thinks that? That sucks."

Maddox: And now, whether or not this narrative is true, it's become true. It's what people believe.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They believe he's a victim.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And without…they have taken away his agency to choose whether or not he was victimized. They have ALREADY labeled him. They've branded this man a victim. They have t…they made this man look weak! Don't you see how condescending that is?!

Dick: I…guess. I guess I don't really read all this stuff into that. It just seems like…it seems like an ideological battle with a bunch of party girls and fame-whoring celebrities throwing a…being opportunist. Throwing a guy a big party 'cause they want…their agenda of "party all the time" to get through.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Like, they want…I think there is…I think they're well-intentioned, as you say.

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Um, I do believe that the road to…what is the saying, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions?

Maddox: That's what they say.

Dick: I do believe that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't think that…I don't…my idea of Hell is not 1,700 dancing girls.

Maddox: Dick, stop thinking with your dick for one second.

Dick: I'm not thinking about banging them! I like to party!

Maddox: Great, Dick! That's YOU. But just for a minute, put yourself in the shoes of this guy, where everybody in the world is calling you a victim.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: When you aren't one. Think about how that would make you feel if everybody thought you were a victim. Wouldn't that make you feel weak? Wouldn't that make you feel insulted, at the very least?

Dick: Ahh, I don't know. (skeptical)

Maddox: What about you, Sean? Would you feel insulted…if everyone called you a victim and they started passing this picture around, and millions of people saw it, and they said…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah.

Maddox: "Hey, uh…Dancing Sean, why don't you come out of the closet and dance with us?!" (goofy voice)

Dick: If it was, like…

Sean: (interjects) I'm completely on board with Maddox on this one.

Dick: WHAT?!! (furious)

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: And it does matter, also, that he's fat, I think, because fat people get constantly teased their whole lives for ONE thing. Being fat. It's not like most people, who are, you know. You go up to the school. "Oh, you're a nerd." "Oh, you're ugly." "Oh, you're.." You get teased for different things.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Fat people are probably really sensitive to it, because it's like, "I got bullied again, for what? For being fat."

Maddox: Right.

Sean: Being fat. Being fat. Being fat. It's just this recurring thing. So they probably don't wanna draw attention to it.

Maddox: Yeah. This is well intentioned…

Dick: (interjects) And this is the opposite.

Sean: What's that?

Dick: This is the opposite, that they're drawing attention to his fatness.

Sean: Yeah!

Maddox: To his fatness, yeah.

Sean: Because he's fat. We're gonna…yeah. We're gonna throw you, like you said. A literal pity party.

Dick: You know, I think. Now I'm thinking if Sean agrees, I gotta rethink my whole thing.

Maddox: Well. (scoffs) (Sean laughs)

Dick: Because this is…if I'm those bullies, right? If I put…if I bully this guy into not dancing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, if I made fun of him? Whatever. Bullying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then posted it to the Internet. This is the best case scenario. This is a successful bullying beyond my wildest dreams!

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: You know? Like, I don't feel anti…like a sort of anti-bullying was sunk in my heart by this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm like, "This is great." This is better…I've not only manipulated this one guy into not dancing, I've manipulated thousands of people into doing what I…something! Doing what I want!

Maddox: Yeah. You gave his bully the most attention. You gave him the biggest platform.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: And by the way. Here's…here's something that many people who are skinny don't know. 'Cause I used to be fat.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And fat people don't like to be photographed. I don't know if you know this, but most fat people, if they feel insecure about their bodies…

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Which many do.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They're not very proud of their bodies and they don't want their bodies to be photographed! Whether you're comfortable in your skin or not, they don't want to be photographed! I didn't. I was confident as a fat person. I'm more confident today. However, I still…I look at my old photos, and I didn't have as many photos as I have today, because at some point, you don't wanna be photographed. So now they're taking this picture of this guy and posted it around everywhere, and he felt pressured to post this picture of himself.

Dick: He did seem uncomfortable when he responded on Twitter.

Maddox: Yeah, of course.

Dick: Like he did seem like he didn't wanna do it.

Maddox: Of course. And now millions of people are scrutinizing his body and saying it's okay, and we're not body shaming. You are! You are body shaming. You're making this guy feel self conscious just by putting his picture up in front of millions of people. Don't use him as your poster boy unless he chooses to be. Unless he wants to be. You guys played his hand for him. You pressured him into doing this.

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: And at the end of this…yeah. And at the end of this flier, it says, "May we have this dance?" You know, these women.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then it said, "Sincerly." (Dick cracks up) They spelled 'sincerely' wrong.

Dick: Oh man, that's how you know they love to party.

Maddox: Yeeah.

Dick: All typos. (grins)

Maddox: You know, these women…these women. A lot of them are very attractive. I've seen some of them. I got in an argument with one on Twitter, who didn't even understand the…

Dick: (interjects) I read…I read part of that argument.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. This chick, I forget her handle.

Dick: She had the kind of, like, typing persona that made you want to strangle her.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Like…with her, like, winky smiley…like, her condescending winky smiley faces, like a 13-year-old girl, you know?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did you get that vibe from her?

Maddox: Well, I didn't want to strangle her!!

Dick: Not in those words, but…

Maddox: Yeah. She's a…

Dick: (interjects) That's an "rrrrr". It's like, when you read a text from a girl…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who's, like…who's trying to be…who's trying to rev you up. You know? Who's just being a little bitch.

Maddox: Oh. She was…she sent me a tweet, and she said, "Hey Maddox, um, that 37…" Oh, by the way, I haven't mentioned this yet, but they raised over 37,000$, as of this podcast recording, they've raised 39,000$ to throw this guy a dance party!

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: And she said, "Hey Maddox, you should do more research, 'cause that's actually for charity." And so I did more research.

Dick: (laughing) What charity?

Maddox: Yeah. I did more research and there's a…so, what happened is…the first…initially, when they put out this campaign to raise funds for Dancing Man?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And that's what it's called. Let's not have any pretentions here about it being anything other than a fund for this giant fucking dance party, because that's what the fund was called.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It says, "Dance Party For Dancing Man."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's what it's called.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: That's what people are donating for.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 39,000$. And she said, "It's for charity". And then I looked and it said…there's a little asterisk. One sentence in entire fund of, like, five pages. Or, five updates. They said, "Any proceeds not used for the Dance Party will be donated to charity." So whatever's left, guys.

Dick: (interjects) You know…I…

Maddox: (interjects) Whatever's left after we fly this guy out, and buy all the booze, and pay for the lights, and all this shit.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's supposedly all donated, but you know it's not. You know there's gonna be…

Dick: (interjects) I hope it's not! I hate that they do that. Like, why? Just take it! Just buy more stuff with it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Why does…why does everything have to go to charity?

Maddox: (laughs) Well, it doesn't, Dick.

Dick: Like, seriously.

Maddox: Oh, my God.

Dick: Just keep it! Like, why do you have to say it!?!? Why do you have to feel bad that your little campaign worked? Why is there a guilt associated with it?

Maddox: Bec…I'll tell you why.

Dick: You know what? Get a Ferris Wheel! Just spend it…spend it…be like Brewster's Millions. Buy…get…(stammers) Get Tommy Lasorda to show up. (laughs) Bring him back to life. I know he's dead. (Maddox chuckles) Is he dead?

Sean: No!

Dick: No, he's alive.

Sean: No.

Dick: Yeah, pay his ass to show up. He's a fat guy! He'll dance!

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: I love how he picked a Ferris Wheel. (laughing) (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: It's gotta be expensive! I'm trying to spend money!

Maddox: Uh, I'll tell you why, Dick. Because the chorus of criticism, right? It started to become louder and louder, led with me. Of people criticizing these women. They're saying, "Hey guys, enough's enough."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You've raised 40,000$ for a dance for a guy who you don't know. He might be a child molester. He might be a criminal. He might be something! You don't know ANYTHING about this man!!!

Dick: But it's the ideology. They don't want p…it has nothing to do with him.

Maddox: Well..ex…it has nothing to with him.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: But they've raised these funds for this stranger who they know nothing about. He may be a convicted felon. You know NOTHING about this guy. You've raised 40,000$ to give this guy the day of his life, supposedly. Which, by the way, immediately the day after he's gonna go to his dead-end job and just fucking rot in a cubicle. But this guy, um…and again, I'm making an assumption there. We don't know anything about this guy. So, this guy…they raised 40,000$ and people are criticizing them, like, "Guys, enough is enough." There are people who actually need this money. Who actually need these funds. There's a child…like, the same day this story dropped, there was a child whose parents got killed by Boko Haram in Nigeria.

Dick: What's that?

Maddox: He's growing up…Boko Haram is a terrorist organization.

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: They kidnapped a bunch of girls awhile back because they didn't want them…they wanted them to go to madrasas instead of getting a traditional education. So they…they killed this child's mother.

Dick: They weren't using 'em to throw a dance party for a fat guy? (giggles)

Maddox: No. No, they weren't. They were…they were, uh…terrorizing them.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And potentially sexually assaulting them.

Dick: I see, Okay.

Maddox: So there's a child in Nigeria who's growing up without a mother, who could probably use, I don't know. Maybe a quarter of the funds you've raised for a fucking dance party to make his…his life…(stammers) instrumentally better. Significantly better. And instead, these women are focused on their narcissism. In fact, there's a quote from this girl…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but wait a minute. I gotta stop you there. 'Cause the whole, like…"The money should go to the biggest suffering people", I don't agree with.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: It's…people are giving this money because they support the cause, whatever it is. They wanna…you know, they like the spectacle that they're seeing. They believe people should feel good about dancing no matter what. I agree with that. Like, it's a good ad for that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How…but you're making…you're making more sense than I thought initially.

Maddox: Yeah. Do you…do you think that also, these people would think that you should grow up with both parents and that one shouldn't get shot in the head? Do you think that that's one of the virtues?

Dick: (interjects) I don't think you always have to think about the suffering of the world.

Maddox: You don't.

Dick: I really don't.

Maddox: I…I agree. I agree. And I think that it's dangerous to go down this moral slippery slope where you say, "Well, you could do more." Everyone could always do more.

Dick: Yeah, everyone.

Maddox: Look, I 'm not raising 30, 40,000$ for this child in Nigeria. I'm not doing it…

Dick: (interjects) Everyone could also do worse! I could be doing a lot worse!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You ever thought about that?

Maddox: (scoffs) Well.

Dick: Huh?!!? I'm gonna start doing it right now!!

Maddox: I dunno if you can, Dick. (laughs) Um, yeah. So the…uh, you know. You could do worse. You could do better. Look, if they raised, say, I don't know. 4, 5,000$ to help pay for the flight for this guy and then put him up in a hotel, whatever. Fine. But then…now they're saying that any of the proceeds left over from this dance.

Dick: I don't think 40 grand is an outrageous dance party budget, though.

Maddox: I think it is.

Dick: You do?

Maddox: Absolutely.

Dick: Ooh, yikes, I dunno, man.

Sean: And they have to buy two seats on the plane, too.

Dick: That's…that's a good point.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Good point, Sean. (giggles)

Maddox: This guy's fat. They gotta buy two seats on the plane. Uh-oh, did we just fat shame? Ohhhhhhh, ohhh.

Dick: Hey, are they gonna throw Sean a party about deleting emails?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Er, deleting podcast? Sorry.

Maddox: Yeah, that's some trauma that you can't ever get over. So anyway, Dick. They're well intentioned, but they may be doing more harm than good, because they have bullied this man into coming out when he doesn't necessarily want to. Um, along this line, though. Rolling Stone Magazine did a story awhile back about this girl who was…she came out and she made a claim against one of the fraternities at the University of Virginia. She said that she was gang-raped.

Dick: Jesus.

Maddox: And she…yeah. It was a really big Rolling Stone story. It got spread everywhere.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It…it put a spotlight on college campuses and sexual assault that happens on college campuses. Which I think is a problem. And this girl gave this really horrific, very graphic account of being raped. And, uh…being gang-raped. And so Rolling Stone, they asked her if they could interview the people that she's accusing, because they want to get to the bottom of this, right? And she asked Rolling Stone not to. She said, "Don't talk to them."

Dick: Uh-oh. Uh-huh.

Maddox: "Because I'm afraid of repercussions. I'm afraid of them coming after me." Etc, etc.

Dick: 'Kay.

Maddox: As if telling your account of being graphically raped on a very specific night. She gave the specific night and she gave the college fraternity; however, she asked Rolling Stone not to talk to them for fear of backlash.

Dick: Eeehhh, okay.

Maddox: No, but if you make this accusation about this specific account. People who did the crime are gonna know you're talking about them. So whether or not Rolling Stone talks to them is irrelevant.

Dick: Yeah, but she didn't want to name the names, right?

Maddox: She didn't want to…

Dick: (interjects) That's…that's a big difference.

Maddox: No, but she did name the names.

Dick: Oh, she did.

Maddox: She told…yeah, she did. She named the names. They used aliases in the article.

Dick: Okay, but she didn't want them to talk to those guys, but she was okay with giving the names.

Maddox: Correct.

Dick: But she knew that they wouldn't use the names in the article.

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Okay, well, still. That's still not naming names.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: I mean, if she said, "Here's the names. Use 'em in the article." And then said "Don't go talk to them." That's weird.

Maddox: But, no. They…they made the choice. They made the edi…Rolling Stone made the editorial decision not to publish the names of the accused because it's an alleged crime, right?

Dick: Mmm, yeah. Sure.

Maddox: There's no…it's a crime until it's convicted, right?

Dick: Uh, whoa. Now you're getting real philosophical. It's an alleged crime.

Maddox: Well, that's why they say "alleged". It's an alleged crime.

Dick: It's an alleged crime.

Maddox: Right? Right. Until there's a conviction, because you can make any accusation about anybody. You can't just go around calling everyone a rapist! And then just have it stick because you say, "Don't talk to them."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So…so anyway, they said, "Okay, you know what? We're going to respect your wish."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "And we're not going to talk to these accused." So they published this article completely without fact-checking anything that she said.

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: Well, you know what's coming. Shortly after, Washington Post did some snooping, and they found a lot of discrepancies in this girl's story.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like, for example, um…you know, in order to be sensitive to this lady, they found that…little details like the fact that the alleged rapist was in another state the night of the alleged rape?

Dick: That's a pretty big plot hole.

Maddox: Pretty big plot hole. And he didn't belong to the fraternity that she claimed.

Dick: Ohh. That's…classic mistake. (laughing)

Maddox: Didn't go to her university.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Hasn't been to her university in six years.

Dick: And he was a woman.

Maddox: No, but close.

Dick: He was a dog!

Maddox: Nope. Nobody with his name in the United States even exists.

Dick: Well, alright.

Maddox: They couldn't even find…she…so they couldn't fact check. Even her own friend who herself was a rape victim. One of her friends, they kind of bonded because they both had this shared experience.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Even she came out afterwards and she said, "Look, guys, I don't even know what to believe anymore."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Because she changed the number of rapists from 5 to 7. Basically, the bottom line is this. We don't know what happened.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So there's a lot of questions raised. But because this journalist had good intentions, we had this giant atrocity and what happened is, Rolling Stone had to retract the story, and what this has caused is people to potentially doubt other people who come forward in the future.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Because of her story. She's done more harm than good and it's because of this journalist's good intentions.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: She didn't want to further cause any trauma for this rape victim.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This alleged rape victim, right?

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: So she honored her request to not interview the accused. And the accused said, basically everything that was contrary to her story. They didn't even have a party the week of the alleged incident!

Dick: Right. So it looks like it's entirely fabricated.

Maddox: Much of it may have been fabricated.

Dick: I mean, maybe. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. We don't know.

Dick: And he was well intentioned and full of his righteous glory and…right? Just ran with the story.

Maddox: It was a she, yeah.

Dick: She ran with the story.

Maddox: And by the way, I looked at this journalist's other work…

Dick: (interjects) Of course it was a she. What am I saying? (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: I looked at this journalist's other work, and she's actually done some really good journalism in the past?

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: She's done some really good stories.

Dick: She just hit a trigger with this one.

Maddox: Yeah. She really screwed up with this one. And then…I'll just end on this one, too. You know who Jessica Williams is, Dick?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Or Sean? Jessica Williams is a correspondent on the Daily Show. And you know how Jon Stewart has recently come out to say that he's stepping down from the daily show?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This is the final season. He's not gonna be the host anymore.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So there's this chorus of people on the Internet saying, "Hey, Comedy Central, why don't you replace Jon Stewart with.."

Dick: With a woman.

Maddox: A woman. Or a minority.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Or preferably both, right?

Dick: He's Jewish, though. Is that not a minority?

Maddox: Oh, not anymore, I guess!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: So a non-white minority.

Maddox: A non-white minority.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Non-white male minority. They want more women. They want more minorities, right?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Because that's where true diversity comes from. Not the…you know, like Martin Luther King said that we should judge a person not based on the color of his skin, but the content of his character. Now we're going back to judging based on the color of their skin, aren't we, dickheads?

Dick: Skin, yeah. (grins)

Maddox: By putting a minority in there, because their skin's not brown enough, they're not a minority? You fucking idiots!

Dick: You know what? I…I agree. It should be a minority, but not…I don't even think it should be an American minority. It should be, like, the most minority-est person on the planet. Like somebody from a tribe in, like, the South Pacific. (Maddox chuckles) Like, one of those guys that walks around with, like, the penis poles on?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Who's never spoken a word of English.

Maddox: Never seen…never seen a human. (Dick laughs) Doesn't know what…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like, he's throwing his spears at helicopters.

Dick: Whooooahohoho!!! (laughs) Yeah.

Maddox: Nono! They still have those tribes, yeah.

Dick: No, I know, I know, I know.

Maddox: So get one of those guys.

Dick: That's a minority.

Maddox: That's a minority.

Dick: Get one of those guys.

Maddox: Yeah. The most minority host…(Dick cracks up) We don't even…we don't even know what he's fucking saying every night. Ratings will be through the roof.

Dick: And then they should just tweet everybody "Blow me." (Maddox laughs) You got your minority now!

Maddox: Here you go, idiots. You fuckin' morons.

Dick: It's a very specific minority that they want, though.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. It's very specific.

Dick: Like, just say it, it's not minority, 'cause you have a minority. He's Jewish.

Maddox: You have a minority, yeah. He's Jewish. Right. They want a non-male minority.

Dick: Who are a majority. There…there's more women than men.

Maddox: There's more women than men. So what they want is a majority.

Dick: The most majority. (cracks up)

Maddox: They want the most majority, but they want her to also look a little brown. That's what they want.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: They're like, "You know what? Put her in the oven a little bit longer." (Dick cracks up) Bake her a little bit longer. Let's bring her out a little bit, you know, golden toasty brown. That's the shade that we want. Because that's…that will change her opinions and world view, won't it, you fucking…you insensitive, prejudiced cocksuckers! (Dick laughs) You guys want a minority insofar as their skin color's different!! Don't you fucking realize that's the exact same mentality that the KKK has?!!? (Dick cackles) Because based on the color of your skin, you're prejudicing against people, you fucking dipshits! (yelling) Jesus.

Dick: A minority reading words written by a bunch of white guys, right?

Maddox: Well, or…or…

Dick: (interjects) Like what does it…what does it matter?

Maddox: Yeah, what does it fucking matter? The writers are a big group of people anyway! You don't fucking know!

Dick: No.

Maddox: Jeesus.

Dick: Were they not satisfied…do they just want another Oprah?

Maddox: I…I guess, man.

Dick: I mean, they had…she's a minority.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: They had her for a long time.

Maddox: Based on her skin color. Technically, she is a minority, yet Oprah has a very mainstream point of view, doesn't she? Because she resonates with millions and millions of people.

Dick: With everyone's mom.

Maddox: Yeah, well. I guess.

Dick: A lot of those.

Maddox: So, uhh..people were saying this girl, Jessica Williams. She's a black correspondent on the Daily Show. She's really funny.

Dick: (cracks up) They want her to host the Daily Show?!

Maddox: They want her to host the Daily Show.

Dick: This is what the execs at Comedy Central are doing to that. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: What's that? Laughing?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: Oh, you're gonna take…they're gonna take an institution like the Daily Show host, hosted by white guys…like, a massively successful, and they're gonna switch it that much. Like, be reasonable.

Maddox: Uhhhh….(stammers)

Dick: Is there any chance of that happening?

Maddox: Okay, Dick. I know you're trying to help, but you're actually, like, hurting my argument. (laughs)

Dick: I mean, just…just be reasonable!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Are they gonna do that? Are they gonna take that…if someone makes that decision, they're asking to get fired! Like, that is such a radical change!

Maddox: Well, maybe. It's not. It's not. I disagree. Because it really depends on the person and their point of view. There's nothing necessarily radical about this. If she's qualified for the job, then she should get the job. That's it. End of story. However…

Dick: Oh, I…yeah. Okay.

Maddox: So here's what she said. She came out and she said, "Look. I'm not hosting, guys. Thank you for asking, but I am extremely underqualified for the job."

Dick: Smart.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Smart move.

Maddox: Thank you for asking. I added "for asking". She said, "Thank you, but I am extremely underqualified for the job."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, look. Smart or not, we don't know. We don't know what she's thinking. We don't know her internal thoughts. We don't know her career path. We don't know the decisions…the factors that went into her decision-making on that decision. Right? We don't know that.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: However, right or wrong, she has decided that she doesn't want the job, because she feels underqualified, and there may be other factors, too. She may want to go into movies, which sounds like is what she wants. So that should be the end of the discussion, right? (Dick laughs nervously) Oh, nope. You would think. But there's this woman named "Ester Bloom".

Dick: Good.

Maddox: Yeah. And she wrote an article accusing Jessica Williams of Imposter syndrome. Do you know what this is, Dick?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Imposter syndrome is supposedly a psychological disorder that causes people to feel undeserving of their success.

Dick: What? (incredulous)

Maddox: They feel like they don't deserve it. They feel like that are…um, they're accomplished, but they don't deserve their accolades. Their…achievements.

Dick: Yeah, okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That makes sense.

Maddox: So she…and this is…a lot of feminists, they say that this…that women are predominantly affected by this. Imposter syndrome.

Dick: I mean…okay. Then you start with the…alright.

Maddox: Yeah. And she said that…you know, this woman, Ester Bloom, she said, "She interpreted Williams' statement as a win for old white people. As if, you know, old white people are sitting there rubbing their hands together and saying "Yes, we got another one!"

Dick: Why does everyone's opinion have to be part of this ideological war?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, she owes you nothing!

Maddox: Yeah. She owes you nothing!

Dick: She owes you, and your crusade, and her own race, absolutely nothing!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: She's making all of her decisions based on how much money she can get out of the rest of her life! Because that's all that fucking matters!

Maddox: Well.

Dick: And her career!

Maddox: Maybe…

Dick: (interjects) In her career.

Maddox: In her career, maybe.

Dick: Whatever it is. Whatever she is. She's making it based on money and artistic desires, right?

Maddox: Well…or…or…maybe she wants to start a family, Dick. Maybe she wants to…or maybe she just wants to go into something else. Or maybe she doesn't want the pressure of having to have a nightly show, 'cause Jon Stewart spent a lot of time away from his wife and his kids, and that's one of the reasons he's deciding to step down, is so he can spend a little bit more time with his wife and kids.

Dick: I fucking hate…you know, I wanted to t…the anti-bullying charity got mentioned. And I wanted to touch on this, because that's just bullying.

Maddox: It is bullying.

Dick: Calling someone out for not, like…putting their "dues" in when it comes to, like, representing their sex or their race, is bullying! It's adult bullying!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you can't kick kids on the playground anymore! (Maddox giggles) All you can do is make them feel bad!

Maddox: Anymore.

Dick: You know what I'm sayin'?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No, no, I'm saying, like, you're an adult! (angry) You can't walk…you can't pull another adult's pants down! It doesn't have the same effect.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: But you can get on Twitter.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And say that they're not doing enough for their race and gender! Fuck you!

Maddox: Fuck you. I agree. That is exactly what the problem is.

Dick: Like…

Maddox: (interjects) And so, Jessica Williams, Dick. Actually came out and said something to that effect. Uh, so…this Bloom chick, she said, "Well, what we need to do is put together a big group of suppo…we need to put together a big support group and have a "Lean In" intervention to help Jessica Williams…"

Dick: (interjects) Oh, fuck off!

Maddox: …realize that she's qualified for this job, and blablablablabla. And, finally, like, she called it out. Jessica Williams said, "You know what? No offense, but lean the fuck away from me for the next couple of days."

Dick: Ohohoho!!!! Really?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Whooooa.

Maddox: She said, "I need a minute. Lean the fuck away from me." That's a direct quote from Jessica Williams.

Dick: Woooow.

Maddox: She said, "Lean the fuck away from me." Because by..they have created a no-win situation for Jessica Williams. Because on one hand, if she does try for the job, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Then, instead of not appeasing old white people, now she's appeasing young white people. Like Ester Bloom. And Wyatt Cenac, her colleague on the Daily Show, pointed that out. He said, "Oh, so you want her to appease young white people? Is that okay with you?" Because either way, it's a no-win situation. One way or the other, they have created a condition where no matter what she does, she's appeasing somebody and pissing off somebody, and none of her decisions are her own free will. None of her decisions are her own free agency.

Dick: Well, that's the thing. You don't think for a second that she knows more about what she's doing with her career than you do?

Maddox: Yeah! It's condescending.

Dick: Like…some fucking broad on Twitter.

Maddox: Right. Jessica Williams is an autonomous, adult human being.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: She can make decisions for herself! And by making these decisions for her, much like the women have done from this GNI group for the fat…the dancing guy?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They have condescended and removed dignity from these people. They can make decisions on their own. They don't need to be handheld. They don't…they're not fucking babies! Yeah, this fat guy looks sad in that second picture, but he also looks like he's reaching for his cell phone! You don't know anything about these people!

Dick: Yeah, and they don't owe you anything.

Maddox: They don't owe you anything.

Dick: They don't owe the race anything. They don't owe women anything. She doesn't owe young, aspiring women a goddamn thing.

Maddox: That's right. That's right, Dick. Fucking right on the nose. In fact, Jessica Williams tweeted. Right after that, she said, "You guys, I don't belong to you." She said that to her…

Dick: (interjects) Are you serious?

Maddox: Yeah, she said that.

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: I don't belong to you.

Dick: I'm gonna start stalking this girl.

Maddox: Oh, she's fantastic. She's actually really smart, articulate. She's funny. You know what? Maybe she could have had the job, maybe not. We don't know. But she chose…she made a decision based on what's best for her.

Dick: For her career!

Maddox: And for us to question that decision is REALLY fucking condescending! You call yourself a feminist? You think you're for women's rights? How about when women who are strong and abled of the mind make a decision for themselves, you respect that fucking decision, and shut the fuck up, and move on with your life! Don't try to project your…your stupid Lean In groups on them and saying that they're hurt and they're victims, when by calling someone a victim, you're being an asshole and a bully!

Dick: Yep. I agree.

Sean: I think this is my favorite problem on the show.

Dick: Me too.

Maddox: Thank you, Sean.

Dick: Lemme…lemme sweeten the deal for you. If we're talking about well intentions being a big problem?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got two words for you. Obamacare. (Maddox laughs) Alright, let's wrap it up on that.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. (laughs) What's your problem this week?

Dick: My problem was Smartphone Fact-Finding Fuckheads.

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: And my problem this week was Well-Intentioned Idiots. Don't forget to vote on these problems, guys. Thanks for listening.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Heyyy, Maddox. Listen, love the show. Just got a quick question for you. In Episode 42, you said you drive like a samurai."

Maddox: Yep.

"I'm just kinda wondering what that means. Does that mean you drive like an obnoxious dickhead (Maddox laughs) who imposes arbitrary rules on himself and picks fights with people who can't defend themselves? (Dick laughs) And then I hear Episode 43 and yeah, pretty much that's it. So I guess I answered my own question. Have a great day."

Dick: Oh, well.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: That is what samurais did, isn't it? Arbitrary rules on themselves?

Maddox: You know what? There's a samurai code of honor, and I…they're not arbitrary rules. Yeah, sure. Maybe the other drivers don't know about it…(Dick cracks up) But there's a very strict set of rules…(Maddox laughs) Alright, dickhead?

Dick: That the DMV produces, not you.

Maddox: No, it's…I produce the rules.

Dick: You produce them.

Maddox: Other drivers don't know.

Dick: Okay.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "I just thought it was funny that you guys mentioned The Room in this week's live episode, because Dick's stupid fucking hair makes him look like Tommy Wiseau. Good job, though.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah, Dick, I got…

"Keep it up."

Maddox: Yeah, a number of people commented…

"Fuck you, Dick." (Maddox laughs)

Dick: You gotta wait for the whole thing. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A number of people commented that you look like Tommy Wiseau in that.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "You fucking morons! (Maddox guffaws) You essentially pause your podcast to explain to people in foreign countries that UPS is the United Parcel Service. Then you spend the next 15 minutes instructing them to 'flip a bitch' when they're driving their car."

Maddox: Yeah.

("Like anybody in another country has any fucking idea what flipping a bitch is.")

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: Well.

Maddox: Okay, sorry…

("So…you're stupid." (Maddox laughs) "Also, Dick, why don't you go fuck Maddox?")

Dick: Ohhhhhh!!

Maddox: Ohhhhh, hey, hey!

Dick: Allllllllllright, sir!

Maddox: Over the line, dickhead! Asshole. Listen. Yeah, okay! Sorry we didn't define every fucking term! So…(stammers) is he criticizing us for defining UPS and also not flipping a bitch, or just not flipping a bitch? Is that what he's criticizing us for?

Dick: I think he's flipping a bitch on that call.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: We didn't pause the podcast to identify UPS.

Maddox: No…

Sean: It took a little longer than it should have…

Maddox: It did, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: But we didn't pause.

Maddox: At most, eight seconds. But listen…

Dick: (interjects) I don't think we even defined it correctly, either. I was reading in the comments that we didn't.

Maddox: Yeah. Flipping a bitch is a U-turn, dickheads!

Sean: Oh, did he say, "Oh, it was United…" Did somebody say…

Dick: (interjects) No! No! Stop. We're not doing it again!

Maddox: No, no, no. He's luring us in…(unintelligible because they're all talking over each other)

Sean: It's United Parcel Service!

Maddox: No, it's a trap, Sean! That's what he wants! (Dick laughs) We're feeding into it!

Sean: Goddamn it!

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cracks up) Flipping a bitch is a U-turn. I wish we could do a U-turn on that fuckin' phone call.

Dick: Me too. I got, I think one more. This guy tried his best. (Maddox laughs) I got two of 'em.

Maddox: I love these.

Dick: Yeah.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Heyyyy, guys. This is Joe from Chicago. Hey, Dick, uh… (Maddox giggles) I was listening to the newest episode and you said that those sound clips that Maddox always plays of you saying you're a fucking idiot or whatever, who cares…

Dick: Yeah.

"…were taken out of context."

Dick: They were.

"And it was when you were making fun of someone on the news."

Dick: Yeah.

"They were actually from…the, um…"

Dick: Uh-oh. (giggles)

Maddox: Uh-oh. He's falling apart. (grins)

"Actually, never mind."

Maddox: Oops. (cracks up)

Dick: That's not…he lost a page. (Maddox laughing) And I think he found the page.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys, this is Joe from Chicago. Hey Dick, on this week's episode, you said that those clips that Maddox always plays of you…"

Dick: Mhmm.

"Were taken out of context and that they were from when…"

Dick: I like the other read better.

Maddox: Yeah.

"…you were making fun of someone on the news."

Dick: Yeah? (grins)

Maddox: Yeah? (grins)

"Uh, which was incorrect."

Dick: Uh-oh.

"They were about the…um. (stammers)"

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?! SO CLOSE!

Dick: Well!

"You know what…I don't care." (Maddox and Dick crack up laughing)

Sean: If this podcast gets big enough, I smell a support group for that guy. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, yeah. They'll throw a dance party for this dude!!

Dick: Uh, yeah.

Maddox: Stats Man!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Find Stats Man.

Dick: Oh, God, I had a really funny comment for you, Sean. That I didn't get to read. Uh, Scott McGregor. So, Sean, remember that blonde girl?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Do you…do you have her picture for this episode, by the way?

Maddox: The picture.

Sean: Uh, I do not.

Dick: Okay, he said…Scott McGregor goes, "So Sean didn't have the blonde girl pic on his phone. Guess he deleted it." (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Sean: That's funny. That's funny.

Dick: Uh, Christian Lucibello. "Sean the audio engineer by day, lady deleter by night." (grins) (Maddox cracks up)

Sean: I didn't delete it!

Dick: You didn't delete it, how is it not on your phone, then?

Sean: Alright, it's on my phone.

Dick and Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Dick: Wow, that was a weird harmony.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Alright, I got one more.

(Voice mail: "Hey guys, this is Matthew Mcconaughey. (Maddox giggles) Calling in to ask you what all the hullabaloo's about."

Dick: Sounds like Owen Wilson.

"You guys always complaining about problems and Maddox always seems like he's gonna have an aneurysm every week."

Maddox: Yeah.

"Yeeeeeeah. Sometimes you got problems in life. Sometimes, you don't. (Maddox and Dick giggles) Especially when you're Ma…"

(recording cuts off)