Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 40
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy!?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Dick: (laughing) Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Maddox: Welcome back, welcome back. Our big post-Valentine's Day episode. The live episode is out.
Dick: Yeah. It's an exciting day. It's an exciting day for everyone.
Dick: People have been waiting a while for this live episode, haven't they?
Maddox: They've been bitching a while. That sure as shit has been happening.
Dick: Listen to this. I got a voice mail about it. (grinning)
(Voice Mail: (male voice) "Hey guys. I'm just calling to inquire about the status of the bonus episode. How the hell is this still not out. You've been hyping this for three months." (Maddox: Has it been three months?! Dick: Yeah. (laughing) (Maddox laughs)I just don't understand how many goddamn special effects you must be adding in, Maddox. (Maddox and Sean laugh)That you can't finish this. But hey, maybe you're just too busy not writing any articles or…(They all crack up)not making any YouTube videos. What do I know? I'm just a guy with a real job. (Maddox guffaws loudly and Dick cracks up) Keep up the good work.")
Dick: Oh, yeah. No problem.
Maddox: What an asshole. You know, I wanna delay everything more. Just to piss off people like that. (angry) I really do.
Dick: Just for that guy!?
Dick: You wanna take it down and put it up later?
Maddox: Okay, you wanna know a little secret?
Maddox: I swear, way back in the day, when I was releasing an article one time. I was a little bit delayed. Something had happened. It was a personal thing that happened and I had to delay the release of an article that I said was gonna come out a certain time. Someone bitched about it, and then just out of spite, I wrote back to him and I said, "Hey, because you bitched, I'm gonna hold off on it for another half day." And I did. (Dick guffaws) I followed through. Just to spite one person.
Dick: Ah, you know, if you were really evil, you could have given him, like, a sneak preview link and then got his IP address by seeing who clicked on that link…
Maddox: Banned him.
Dick: And then, yeah. Banned…or always serve him the same page so he never sees updates.
Maddox: Yeah. Fuckin' tool. Uhhh, listen to this, Dick. I got an email from a fan. His name is Jiggity Smith.
Dick: Cool. (Sean cracks up) Okay.
Maddox: And…he says…
Dick: (interjects) Is he friends with Dr. Smooth Rod, by chance? (giggles)
Maddox: They could be brothers.
Dick: Jiggity Smith. (laughing)
Maddox: Jiggity Smith. He sent us what…he created a theme song for the show and this is actually…
Maddox: It's really well done. I've never heard anything like this. Uh, I think you'll really enjoy it.
Maddox: Listen to this.
(Theme song starts with a rap, beat, some dup-step style/video game sounds: "Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. This is where Maddox and Dick will perpetually converse about every last problem, both big and small. It's like the Pokemon of problems, they just gotta discuss 'em all. (Dick laughs) The goal in mind is to find the biggest problem, and as a bonus, they sometimes try to solve 'em. So I present to you, without further ado, Sean the engineer, Dick the asshole, and Maddox too.")
Dick: Yeah, alright. (Maddox laughs) Oh! That's cool.
Maddox: Bravo. Yeah, that was cool.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: I like that he uses bonus both ways.
Dick: As a bonus, we try to solve them. When it is a bonus episode.
Dick: Like, you gotta pay for it. And it's a bonus.
Maddox: That was really well done. Uh, good job. That's Jiggity Smith. Check out his website, http://www.jiggitysmith.com and he proposed that as the, uh…as the new theme to the show, but I think it's probably a little bit too long for the theme.
Dick: Yeah, I don't know. You know, um…what is too long is I haven't heard who won last week. Who won?
Maddox: Uh…it was Rose Peddlers, followed by Valentine's Day, Sex with the Ex, and then Love. Alright. So let's go on with the…
Dick: (cackles) Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Rose Peddlers won? (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Uh, nobody won, Dick. Because it's not a contest. And I'm so tired of saying that. (Dick groans) I really…okay. What's your gimmick? Let's hear it.
Dick: Well, I got…people are really jumping on board the Titanic thing.
Maddox: Oh. (groans)
Sean: You are on quite a tear.
Dick: I…dude, it's a dynasty. I told you last week that that problem would cement my dynasty of wins, did I not?
Maddox: Such bullshit.
Dick: Did I say that? I said that Rose Peddlers would cement my dynasty.
Maddox: You said something. You said a lot of things, Dick.
Dick: Yeah. Well, here. Somebody sent in a song. Speaking of songs.
Dick: Somebody sent in a song for my Titanic bit. Uh…Grant Mooney.
(Clip starts, "My Heart Will Go On" music starts. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: This is bullshit. I'm out.
Dick: You know this song is from Titanic, right? (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, I know. I wrote a whole hate article about Celine Dion.
(Theme song intro continues)
Maddox: Is this just the song?
Dick: No, it gets better. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Can't get worse!
Maddox: This…I hate this song so much.
(Male voice starts singing: "Maddox is an asshole. He can go fuck himself." (Maddox and Dick crack up laughing) His problems all suck and he deserves this.")
Maddox: You suck!
Maddox: Piece of shit.
(Continues: "Keep playing these Titanic clips…. (Maddox: This is bullshit. (Dick cracks up)) and Dick, you can go on and go on…(Sean: I think this is Clay Aiken. (Maddox and Dick crack up) and go fuuuuuuuuck yourself.")
Maddox: Go fuck yourself, Dick.
Dick: Alright, alright. Are you ready to watch Titanic?
Maddox: That's such bullshit. No, I'm not going to!
Dick: Are you ready to watch Titanic?
Maddox: I've never watched Titanic and I'm not going to. I'm not about to start.
Dick: Well, batten down your hatches, asshole, (Maddox laughs) 'cause you're about to watch another 30 seconds. If you remember, we had just met Bill Paxton, who was leading an underwater salvaging expedition to search for something.
Maddox: You know what? Fuck you, Dick.
Dick: And he had just found the Titanic. And here we are. Maddox, watch.
Maddox: Fuck…I'm not watching.
Dick: Watch. Watch!
Maddox: I'm looking away. I'm looking at the ground.
Dick: It's a sunken ship.
Maddox: I'm looking at my penis. My zipper's open.
Dick: Okay. Imagine that your penis is a sunken ship.
("Dive 6: Here we are again on the deck of the Titanic. Two and a half miles down.")
Maddox: I am looking at something the size of the Titanic. With one hole in it, buddy.
Dick: He's giving you valuable information about the Titanic.
Maddox: There is nothing valuable in this movie.
(Clip continues in the background while Maddox complains)
Maddox: Such a piece of shit.
Dick: These windows are nine inches thick, he's saying.
Maddox: Yeah, I got something nine inches thick, buddy.
Dick: He's talking about science, dude!
Maddox: Talking about my penis, dude!
Dick: You should be interested in this.
Maddox: Nah. This is stupid. The movie's stupid and you're stupid.
Dick: Wait, wait. Ugh. Alright, well.
Dick: You've ruined another clip.
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: Good. Fuck that movie and fuck you. I have a comment from last episode, Dick.
Maddox: By the way, so, Valentine's Day just happened. Right?
Maddox: And when I went out on Valentine's Day, it was fucking impossible to get into any restaurant, lines for hours. Everything was expensive. I just wanted to go to a restaurant and order what I normally order, which is just fucking food, and I can't, because they have this pre-fixed menu for 55 dollars for couples or some bullshit like that.
Dick: I heard about that pre-fixed menu that they're doing now.
Dick: And that offends me.
Dick: Because it turns…yeah, yeah, yeah. It turns, like, the restaurant experience into kind of a cafeteria.
Dick: Like a cattle call.
Dick: And this seemed to be, like, a mandatory thing they're doing to get you in and out of the restaurant.
Dick: I find that…yeah, I find that distasteful.
Maddox: Yeah, you think it's distasteful and too commercial on Valentine's Day to kind of package everyone into, like, cattle call to try to sell them as much shit as possible?
Dick: I do, yeah.
Dick: I do.
Maddox: Then you should go vote up Valentine's Day, Dick. Do that right now. You.
Dick: Well…I'll think about it.
Maddox: (scoffs) Great.
Dick: I'll go relisten to the episode and see how I feel about it.
Maddox: Such bullshit. I got a comment from Katy Diane. She actually made a poem based on my rant about Valentine's Day and love from the last episode. She said, "Love is Stupid, by Maddox. I met a great guy. It's me. (Maddox and Sean laugh) I do love myself, often. Two or three times a day. It depends, maybe. Whatever. It's normal. Do you fucking know what love is? I know what true love is. And I look at it every day in the mirror. It's such a burning flame for me, I have. Ahh, I love me. I did dedicate both of my books to me. I did dedicate it to my soul mate, the person I love most in this world, and that is love."
Dick: It's beautiful.
Maddox: Wrote using my own words.
Maddox: I'm a poet!
Dick: I think a lot of the…like, I read a lot of the comments about that podcast, and some guys were saying that they talked to their girlfriends about not celebrating Valentine's Day and everybody hates spending all this money, but I think you can solve a lot of your problems with Valentine's Day just by writing a stupid poem like that. (Maddox chuckles) Don't you think?
Maddox: I guess. But why do it on Valentine's Day? It's tacky. It's thoughtless.
Dick: Yeah, I guess. (skeptical)
Maddox: It's cheap, it's lazy. You just look at the calendar, "Oh, there's the day I'm supposed to do this thing."
Dick: Alright, we got…here's another voice mail about your Love problem from last week.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Dear Maddox, oxy…to…cin. Oxytocin. (Maddox laughs) Oxy…tocin. Oxytocin. (Maddox: I knew it. I looked it up after the episode, too. Yeah. Dick: A lot of people were commenting on it.) That is all. Have a great day.")
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. I get it, guys! Who cares?
Dick: Uh, here's one about…here's one about the ad. We ran an ad last week for Casper.
Maddox: Yeah, the mattress.
Dick: The mattresses? Yeah, yeah. Here we go.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys, wanted to thank you for the really valuable information about Casper mattresses. As a consumer purchasing a fucking mattress, my number one concern is fucking how do they ship it?! (Maddox laughs) Because when they include the shipping for free, which I believe they do, how they fuck they do it is ALMOST of no concern to me! (Maddox laughs) But nice mentioning absolutely nothing about how comfortable the fucking thing is. (Maddox and Dick crack up) Or whether you're actually using it. I'm so glad you're impressed with their website and their ability to stuff a piece of foam in a fucking box! (Maddox and Dick are still cracking up) Now, here's a question. What's it like to sleep on the fucking mattress?!!? (yelling) Call me crazy, that's the kind of thing I'm interested in, given I'm gonna spend a fully…what, one-third of my fucking life on the thing. Anyway, great show guys, go fuck yourself Dick.")
(Maddox still laughing)
Dick: Pretty well put. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Great.
Dick: Yeah, well. They didn't send it to us in time to give you the sleep test, did they?
Maddox: I've slept on it since and it is some of the best sleep I've had. No joke.
Maddox: It's a really, really comfortable mattress. Uh, go fuck yourself, by the way. Whoever sent that voice mail in. I was really impressed with the shipping, okay? (stammers) Yeah! It's…it's a feat to be able to ship a mattress in a tiny box, dickhead! (yelling) How is that not impressive?
Dick: And it looked cool!
Maddox: It looked super cool!
Dick: It did look cool.
Maddox: Yeah, and it sleeps fine. I mean, it's a…fucking great mattress. Of course it sleeps fine.
Dick: Uh, here's one from Duke Rembiaz. "Maddox, shut the fuck up so I can listen to Titanic." I think we can all agree with that, right?
Maddox: (sighs) Yeah. I got a comment from Braydon Freeland. He says, "When Dick wins and he plays Titanic, we are all suffering. The only thing that belongs at the bottom of the ocean is this terrible bit. You're not making Maddox suffer as much as your listeners are as well. Thank God for Stitcher and their 30-second fast forward."
Dick: Oh. Well, there. I timed it so you could use…take advantage of that.
Maddox: I got another comment, real quick, from Antonio Demonte. So you know that stupid John Lennon song, 'Love is All You Need'?
Maddox: There's an article on http://www.markmanson.net. It says, "Love is not enough." This is from, I believe, the article. It says, "In 1967, John Lennon wrote a song called "All You Need is Love". He also beat both of his wives, abandoned one of his children, verbally abused his gay, Jewish manager with homophobic and anti-Semitic slurs, and once had a camera crew film him lying naked in his bed for an entire day. 35 years later, Trent Reznor from Nine-Inch Nails wrote a song called "Love Is Not Enough". Reznor, despite being famous for his shocking stage performance and his grotesque and disturbing videos, got clean from all drugs and alcohol, married one woman, had two children with her, and then cancelled entire albums and tours so that he could stay home and be a good husband and father." That's Trent Reznor, who wrote the song "Love is Not Enough."
Maddox: (ranting) Yet, John Lennon, this idealistic shithead, wrote "Love is All You Need", and he was an abusive, homophobic, anti-Semitic shithead.
Dick: Yeah. Somebody actually sent another voice mail. I don't know if I should play it. This woman by the name of Diane who said that the Beatles were themselves huge slacktivists, specifically because all they did was talk about how you need love, but, like, their personal lives didn't reflect that?
Dick: Yeah, I thought that was pretty interesting.
Dick: So the Slacktivism problem goes way back.
Dick: How about that?
Dick: Alright, uh, before we get to the problems, I got a bit I wanna play for you.
Dick: Uh, Boisterous Coconuts is back.
(Booming theme song, fanfare "Welcome to The Biggest Problem in History! Taking the pisstory out of history. (Maddox giggles) Examining the biggest problems in history to occur this week."
Maddox: I love these.
Dick: Me too. (giggles)
(Telegraph machine beeping, "February 16th, 1923. King Tut's tomb is raided! Congratulations, guys! You broke into a dead kid's grave! (Maddox and Sean laugh) After years of searching for the lost tomb, English archaeologist Howard Carter finally opened Tut's burial chamber, recovering jewelry, gold statues, and a chariot! In other words, they stole a teenage boy's coolest stuff and his car." (Maddox and Dick laugh) Well done Carter! I hear there's some kickass Bradshaws in JonBenet Ramsey's coffin! (Dick cracks up) Go get 'em!!! (Maddox laughing))
Dick: Alright, here's another one. I'm gonna play 'em throughout the show.
(Telegraph machine beeping, "February 22nd, 1944! Robert Kardashian is born! (Maddox laughs) Friend to OJ Simpson, defender of OJ Simpson in court! Carrier of OJ Simpson's bloody clothes from his house after his killing spree, and patriarch to a pile of pointless children. (Maddox chuckles) Robert Kardashian will forever be remembered for creating the one family of Armenians that you don't feel sorry for. (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Dick: So that happened this week.
Maddox: That's great.
Dick: How about that?
Maddox: Uh, before we get on to the problems, I do have one last bit to play here.
Maddox: This is everyone's favorite bit from the show!
Dick: No! No! Fuck you!!
(Ritzy game show music starts, "Dick Versus Dick!")
Dick: No! I hate this bit.
Maddox: Oh, I bet you do, buddy.
Dick: This bit is such bullshit.
Dick: It's always taken out of context.
Maddox: Oh, but wait, Dick. This is a special one, because…
(Clip of Dick: "It's a two…it's a double. You gotta do both." Maddox: "Yeah.")
Maddox: This one…there's actually two Dick Versus Dicks from the last episode, Dick.
Dick: Alright, alright, alright.
Maddox: Alright, you remember this, Dick? You said this about people who have sex with the ex. You said this:
(Clip of Dick: "It's like moving in together, buying a pet together, or having a kid together. So that's what sex with the ex can lead to, these things that will basically ruin your life. All of these things. Having a child. Buying a pet. Moving in together."
Maddox: Those are all things that'll ruin your life, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, so, those are all things that can ruin your life, huh? Having sex with the ex.
Maddox: You know what that sounds like, Dick, you know, buying a pet, moving in together, having a kid, sounds to me like a family.
Dick: (giggles) Yeah.
Maddox: And here's what you said in Episode 1. Way back when. You remember this?
(Clip of Dick: "Family is not a problem.")
Maddox: Family is not a problem. So, which is it Dick? Are families a problem? And if so, why were you suggesting…why were you saying sex with the ex is a problem if families are also not a problem?
Dick: Wait, which question do you want? You got a lot of questions out there. Which one do you want…
Maddox: Well, lemme get to the…
Dick: I mean both of them. I mean both of them. I don't care. (Maddox cracks up) I don't care what you have to read to expand your mind enough to be able to hold both of those thoughts in at the same time, but I mean both of them.
Sean: Well, you don't want to start a family with the ex.
Dick: Yes, exactly!
Maddox: Oh, is that what you want? I'm sorry, was this Dick Versus Sean? Or is this Dick Versus Dick?
Dick: I'm sorry that I need a translator for you, Maddox!
Dick: To translate what I'm saying into Pedantic Asshole. (angry)
Maddox: Yeah. You need a lifeline, sounds like it.
Maddox: And then here's what you said about sex with your ex.
(Clip: Dick: "Sex with the ex. Have you done it?"
Maddox: Why is that a problem?
Dick: It's awful.")
Maddox: So it's awful. And then, when…
Dick: (interjects) That's true!
Maddox: Okay. (scoffs) And when…
Dick: (interjects) Do you think that that's not true?
Maddox: Well, to an extent, yes.
Maddox: And then poor Butt Sanchez asks you for advice and here's what you told him.
Dick: Yeah. (cackles)
Maddox: He asked you for advice on whether or not he should sleep with his ex, and here's what you said.
Dick: Okay. Do it! Do it. (laughing)
Maddox: Here's what…here's what you said.
(Clip: Dick: "He's asking for advice.
Maddox: So whether or not he should bang his ex.
Maddox: And what's your advice to him? What do you think?
Dick: Well, I asked him. Because you know my advice. Yeah, do it. What's the worst that could happen?")
(Maddox and Dick crack up laughing)
Maddox: Ohhhh. (sighs) Which Dick should we listen to?
Dick: Yeah, because at some point, the bigger problem is, like, what I could have done. Like, the regret of not having done something eventually overwhelms all the other negative consequences. It doesn't mean it's not still a problem! It doesn't mean that sex with the ex isn't a problem! It's just…I'm a curious man. (Maddox laughs) And I wanna know what will happen. You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Dick, I think are you talk, we are all left more curious. (laughing)
Dick: Hey, hey, hey. No, no. Brandon Lozer wrote in. "What Butt Sanchez described was my crazy-ass bipolar ex-wife who doesn't work, gives shitty blowjobs, but she's still single. She also… " bla bla bla. "By coincidence, I was talking to her and almost tried making plans to go do stuff with her yesterday." Then the podcast came out, and he didn't.
Dick: So I'm just presenting all sides, here.
Dick: And smart guys like Brandon can make their own decisions.
Maddox: Yeah. You know, Butt Sanchez sent me an 11th hour email after the podcast aired, and he said, "Hey, I sent this to Dick, but he didn't read it on the air." And he said that he made an amendment to the description of his ex. He said that she's not in a relationship.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Very controversial.
Dick: Does it matter? Does it matter? (laughs) Does THAT matter?
Maddox: Only to the listeners of this show.
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Let's get to the problems.
Dick: Go ahead. Hurry up.
Maddox: So that dickhead who called about the Casper mattress saying, "Oh, I spend a third of my life asleep." You know what? You might be part of this week's problem, buddy. Cause the biggest problem in the universe is People Who Love To Sleep.
Dick: Huh. Alright.
Maddox: That's my problem! You know these guys, Dick?
Maddox: Yeah. They're assholes.
Dick: Well, I know a lot of girls who suffer from this problem.
Maddox: Oh. (scoffs) Suffer?
Dick: No, what do you mean, suffer? Yeah. That's my type. Like, I always date girls who want to stay in bed until, like, 2 PM.
Maddox: Yeah. It's awful.
Dick: It's awful.
Maddox: It's awful. If you like to sleep so much, why don't you just die? (Dick and Sean crack up) Right?! Sleep is like practice for death. It's like one long, eight-hour tutorial for a video game where your goal is to end your life and to lie motionless in a coffin for the rest of eternity. You know who likes to sleep? Vampires. (Dick cracks up) And vampires are idiots.
Dick: (dying of laughter) Wait a minute. Why do vampires like to…that's the second point, is vampires like to sleep!?! (Maddox laughs) And they're idiots?!
Maddox: Well, first of all, they don't exist, right?
Dick: Unh. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. And second, people who think they're vampires are assholes. You know these guys? Have you ever met someone who thinks they're a vampire?
Dick: I've never met one, but I know of them. Have you met one?
Maddox: Ugh. (groans) Yeah, they're the biggest, smelliest assholes.
Dick: Where did you meet one? (incredulous)
Maddox: Well, I grew up in Utah and Utah has a really big Goth scene. And so, some of the Goths, like, the extreme fringes of the Goths, they get prosthetic teeth and they think they're vampires.
Dick: Did you have a conversation with any of them?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. It's awful. It's always just about…well, they've always been really super nice, which makes me think that they're not vampires. Also, that vampires don't exist.
Dick: Okay. (scoffs)
Maddox: Um, they get…these people, like, seriously. It's insane. They get prosthetic teeth. They eat rare steak, like some kind of spooky supervillain. When all they really are, are assholes who listen to dipshit industrial music at dipshit raves.
Maddox: That's all these guys do. They just to raves listening to industrial.
Dick: They drink blood, too. I saw them on Ricki Lake one time.
Maddox: Yeah. They drink, like, cow blood, and stupid shit. Like, the parts that you throw away of a cow.
Maddox: You're not spooky, moron. You're just an asshole.
Dick: It's gross. (disgusted)
Maddox: Dick, you know what's awesome? Doing things. And you know what's lame? Not doing things. And that's what you're doing when you're asleep. Nothing. You're just laying there. Wow. You know someone else who likes to spend a lot of time sleeping? People in comas.
Maddox: Yeah. Comas suck. If your favorite pastime is something you have in common with someone who is in a persistent, vegetative state, you're a moron. (Dick chuckles) I hate sleep. Sleep is the worst.
Dick: No, I hate it too. I've never been good at it. Like, in my whole life, I've never been able to do it properly.
Dick: Can't get enough of it.
Maddox: Maybe you need a Casper mattress, buddy.
Dick: Maybe I do. You know who else loves to sleep?
Maddox: Who's that?
Maddox: And Babies, I brought in as the Biggest Problem in the Universe, which nobody agreed with.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause it was stupid.
Maddox: Babies…babies are stupid! You think my problem with babies is stupid, or babies are stupid?
Dick: I think your problem with babies is stupid.
Dick: What was…what was your problem with it? Was it that…your problem wasn't that they ruin your life.
Maddox: Well, that's part of it, sure.
Dick: Yeah, but what was your main problem with it? I don't remember.
Maddox: There were so many problems. I said that they cry too much. They're too fragile. They're always dying on you. (Sean cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. (chuckles) Now I remember. That's where we got really sidetracked. (Maddox laughs) Where…with SIDS and how you would care for a baby. Um, yeah. I hate…I hate people who like sleeping too much.
Maddox: Yeah. It's the worst. I dated a girl who just…her favorite thing to do was sleep. I thought…I just kept…every time she said that, I said, "Why don't you just die?" Like, why…why are we together? Why are you existing? Why are you alive? Why bother? Sleep is unconsciousness. And you know what else happens when you're asleep? Nightmares. Nightmares don't happen during the day. During the day, the only thing that happens, are cartoons, video games, good food, and sex. But during sleep, nothing happens but nightmares.
Dick: That's true.
Dick: This is the end of a dynasty. There you go.
Maddox: (laughing) It's a good problem, huh, buddy? Well, so I looked into it…
Dick: Yeah, 'cause I really feel strongly about it. Like, almost every girl I've dated has just been mopey and depressed.
Maddox: Yeah. Uggggh.
Dick: And they just want to lay in bed.
Maddox: Let's go to sleep, let's go to sleep. (dorky voice)
Dick: And any conversation about sleep is painful. Like, someone telling you how much sleep they got annoys me.
Maddox: Ugh. Yeah.
Dick: It's like somebody telling me that they got a raise.
Dick: I'm just like, "Yeah, alright, just go walk off a cliff."
Dick: "I hope your car gets keyed or something."
Maddox: Yeah, I hope your car stalls on a train track.
Dick: Yeah. And then there's the people who are, like, "Oh my god, I barely got any sleep."
Dick: Like, how much sleep did you get last night? Like, I don't know, three hours. "I got two and a half hours."
Dick: "I got way less sleep than you." It's like, what, so, what are you, better than me?!
Maddox: It's a pissing contest.
Dick: Like…yeah! How is this a pissing contest?! How do you measure the value of your life by how much you DIDN'T sleep? Is that the biggest hardship you have in your life? Lack of sleep?
Maddox: Ye…you know what it is, Dick? I read this article about this a long time ago. It was kind of an opinion piece or an editorial in a newspaper, I believe. But they were talking about this phenomenon of people bragging about how little sleep they got. And they use it as kind of, like, a measuring stick for hard they work. And they're trying to brag and say, "Oh, I only got 2 hours of sleep 'cause I'm working so hard."
Dick: Yeah. And, number one, I don't believe them.
Dick: Like, I bet if I was hanging over their bed all night like a spectre, they probably hit about six hours.
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)
Dick: Like, six and a half hours.
Dick: And they're just like, "Oh, I don't know, I saw the clock at 5, so I'm saying two."
Dick: It's, like…it reminds me of, you know, like a gangster rap battle?
Dick: They're always, like, bragging about how disenfranchised and poor the community that they come from was?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: That's like…that's like the middle-class white version of that.
Dick: A rap battle. It's like, "Well how much sleep did you get, mother-effer?"
Dick: I got two and a half hours.
Dick: And I'm feeling dours.
Dick: I'm not a good rapper, I'm just saying, that's what it reminds me of.
Maddox: No, you're terrible. And very white. (Dick laughs) Um, yeah man. (Sean laughs) It becomes this pissing contest…
Dick: (interjects) Well I got 1:45 and I'm feelin' alive! (laughs) Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead.
Maddox: Great. (giggles) Anything else, MC Dick?
Dick: No, no, no, no.
Maddox: Alright. Um, you know, so I looked into this, and people who like to sleep too much may actually have a condition called hypersomnia. Have you heard of this?
Maddox: Yeah, it's actually a medical disorder. This is according to Web MD. "Many people with hypersomnia experience symptoms of anxiety, low energy, and memory problems as a result of their almost constant need for sleep." And lemme add to that, almost constant need to tell everyone that they need sleep. I am so fucking tired of it! I want to have zero conversations about how much you like to sleep…(Dick cracks up) how much you need sleep, and what you like to eat, and all your dietary restrictions! I don't give a shit! I don't care.
Maddox: If you wanna sleep, then fucking fuck off and sleep already. I'm living life, buddy. I'm enjoying shit. I don't go to sleep, I fall asleep. I only fall asleep because my body's shutting down. I stay awake until the last possible second. I'm watching things. I'm reading books.
Maddox: There's video games to play. There's people to do. There's food to eat.
Maddox: I have shit to do. I'm too busy to sleep. Sleep is for death.
Dick: I hate sleep. I wanna keep going until my heart explodes.
Dick: That's what I want.
Dick: Until, like, my brain dissolved and my heart explodes out of my face. (Maddox giggles) I do not want to ever sleep. First of all, I'm vulnerable in my sleep. I don't like that.
Dick: You know?
Dick: I have, like, weapons strategically set up in my apartment in case I get woken up in the middle of the night. I have, like, my plan in my head.
Maddox: Ooh, me too, buddy. I have a machete that's at the ready. You actually gave me this machete.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Dick: I brought back…I went to Costa Rica and I brought back three machetes.
Dick: One for me, one for Maddox, and one for my life coach, that fat guy that I mentioned in the other episodes. (Maddox laughs) That's it. 'Cause I'm like, if there's three motherfuckers that need a machete at night 'cause they have weird plans of people breaking into their apartments and harassing them.
Dick: And doing butt stuff with 'em, it's these three guys.
Maddox: Dick, you would not BELIEVE the number of times, no exaggeration, this isn't even just like a Maddox bloviating thing. (Dick giggles) I have…you would not believe the number of times I've used that machete. Like, I always grab that machete when I hear anything. I run outside with it. I've…it's almost dull from all the chopping I've done.
Dick: (laughs) You know where I bought that thing? (grins)
Dick: At, like, Costa Rican Home Depot.
Dick: That's, like, a lawn tool that they use down there. 'Cause the growth is so crazy…
Dick: You just see, like, a bunch of Costa Ricans at the side of the road just hacking…hacking foliage all day.
Maddox: Cool. Yeah. Wouldn't want to get in a fight with one of those guys! They got machetes! That's a cool Home Depot if they got a machete aisle.
Maddox: So, listen to this, Dick. Here are some of the problems that you can get from sleeping too much. Diabetes. It increases your risk of diabetes. "Studies have shown that sleeping too long or not enough each night can increase the risk for diabetes." Obesity! "One recent study showed that people who slept for 9 or 10 hours every were 21% more likely to become obese over a six-year period than were people who slept between 7 and 8 hours. The association between sleep and obesity remained the same even when they controlled for food intake and exercise.
Dick: Nine to ten hours!? (incredulous)
Maddox: Yep. Nine to ten hours makes you 21% more likely to be a big, fat, fatty.
Dick: How do you even live sleeping that…sleeping 9 to 10 hours.
Maddox: I don't know, man. What do these people do?
Dick: You wake up at 8, so you went to bed at 10. Oh, my god.
Maddox: Headaches. For people prone to headaches, sleeping longer than usual on a weekend or vacation can cause head pain. Researchers believe that this is due to the effect oversleeping has on certain neurotransmitters in the brain, including serotonin. And, listen dickheads, you wanna…send in a voicemail and correct me on that, or is it sera-tawnin?! Is it serotonin?!? Who gives a…
Dick: It's sero…serotonin.
Maddox: You know what I'm trying to say, assholes. (Dick giggles) Piece of shit! Back pain. Back pain is another thing that oversleeping can increase. Depression. Although insomnia is more commonly linked to depression that oversleeping, roughly 15% of people with depression sleep too much. That's right. They're depressed, so they just like to sleep their lives away.
Dick: Yeah, like teenagers.
Dick: Get your ass outta bed.
Maddox: Fuckin' idiots. Heart disease. "The Nurses' Health Study involved nearly 72,000 women. A careful analysis of the data from that study showed that women who slept 9 to 11 hours per night were 38% more likely to have coronary heart disease than women who slept 8 hours.
Dick: 9 to 11 hours?!?!
Dick: Who the hell are there people!?
Maddox: People I've dated. (laughing)
Dick: No, dude. You're exactly right. It's really infuriating me.
Dick: Thinking about…thinking about women who've…like, just imagining them lounging out on these chaise lounges.
Dick: And this is the girl that I'm dating and fighting with…
Dick: And trying to bang.
Dick: And trying to, whatever, have a relationship with.
Dick: This is what they wanna do. They wanna have a life where they're sleeping 11, 12, upwards of 27 hours a day. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. (sighs) Might as well. You know, why get up? Why get up out of bed? Why bother? Why start the day?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: "Oh, I just like to sit around in my jammies." (dorky voice) They have a uniform for this activity. They put on pajamas. That's stupid.
Dick: Mmm. Yeah.
Maddox: That's like a costume for death. That's all that is.
Maddox: It's in preparation for dying. And then, speaking of death, death. (giggles) Multiple studies have found that people who sleep 9 or more hours per night have significantly higher death rates than people sleeping 7 to 8 hours at night.
Maddox: No specific reason for this correlation has been determined, but researchers found that depression and low socioeconomic status are also associated with longer sleep. So this all makes sense, right? You have lower socioeconomic status. You have backaches. You have depression. You have headaches. You have obesity. These just sound like big, fat fatties who don't have jobs who are just sleeping away the days.
Dick: They're just sliding right into death.
Dick: Like, sliding like a mudslide.
Dick: Like a big avalanche of fatsoes sliding into the permanent coma of death.
Maddox: They're probably gonna be good at it. I don't think I would be good at death, Dick. To be honest.
Dick: Sorry, come again?
Maddox: Yeah. I don't think I would be good at dying.
Dick: Uh, well, the death scenarios that you've posed thus far have been pretty good.
Maddox: What do you mean?
Dick: Getting rocketed at a brick wall, wasn't that one of your ways to die?
Maddox: (giggles) Yeah.
Dick: That's a pretty good death.
Maddox: I mean, I'm a die hard, that's why.
Dick: Yeah? What does that mean?
Maddox: Well, I'm the son of my father. I gotta tell…this is kind of a little aside, real quick.
Maddox: But, my dad is a real badass, right?
Maddox: In the last 10 years, he has survived…I think I mentioned this on one of the earlier episodes, but he's fallen off a roof three times. Remember, we talked about this? He's fallen off a roof three times. He survived a heart attack, a stroke. He survived cancer. He survived dropping a snow plow on his leg and shattering his shin. He has screws in his legs now. He survived…just recently, he fell, hit his head, got, like, a little brain hemorrhage or something, and internal brain bleeding, and they thought it was the onset of Alzheimer's. A week later, he sprung right back, the blood disappeared, and he's just fine.
Maddox: Yeah. Basically invincible. He's bad at dying. I'm bad at dying.
Dick: Oh okay, I see.
Dick: So it's gonna take a lot to bring you down.
Maddox: I think so.
Dick: Not in the middle of a rant where you just have of your blood vessels…(Maddox cracks up) your heart just explodes.
Maddox: You know what? I think it's making me more powerful. These veins are growing in my head. I think it's just increasing blood flow to my brain so I get angrier.
Dick: Ohhhhh! (grins) That's interesting.
Dick: So anger is a solution.
Dick: 'Cause it clear…it strengthens and widens the arteries like a giant freeway of blood.
Dick: Going to your brain.
Maddox: Blood and anger. You bet it does, buddy.
Dick: Makes you smarter.
Dick: I didn't think about that.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick. That's my problem.
Dick: That's a pretty good problem.
Maddox: People Who Love To Sleep, fuck off!
Dick: Yeah. Sean and I used to live with a guy who I would say sleep was one of his top 5 favorite things to do. Probably sleeping, nailing fat broads, and telling us about nailing fat broads. (Maddox laughs) Were his top 3 favorite things to do. And I don't know why I remember this so clearly, but he came down one morning. We all lived together in this big house. It was a frat house.
Dick: And…not literally a frat house. And he wanted to tell us about a weird dream he had had. So he was…do you remember this?
Sean: No. Just the dream thing…there's nothing more boring than listening to somebody's dreams. (Dick guffaws)
Sean: I hate it. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Everything! Any conversation that revolves around sleep is awful. Right? Can we say…everything. What is good? Have you ever heard a good one about sleep?
Maddox: No. Because you know what happened. The beginning, middle, and end are exactly the same.
Maddox: You're laying down.
Dick: And then you wake up. So, he's telling us about this dream he had and we're kinda, like, half tuning out, and then he says in the dream, he saw something weird, and then he goes, "Yeah, so I went back up to my room and took a nap." (Maddox cracks up) Like, wait a minute. You took a nap…
Maddox: He took a nap in his dream?
Dick: You took a nap in your dream? (laughs) (Maddox laughs) And that's that guy to me. Forever. (grins) As soon as he said that, that's…
Maddox: (interjects) That's like a more boring version of a boring story.
Dick: It's like…it's like satirical.
Dick: It's like, "Oh, we heard you like sleeping, so we put a nap in your dream so you can sleep while you sleep." (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Sleep while you sleep. (grins) Stupid.
Dick: Yeah. You got any more?
Maddox: No, that's it, man.
Dick: Pretty cool.
Maddox: Um, biggest problem in the universe. People who love to sleep too much.
Dick: Not sleep, though. Not sleep in general?
Maddox: No, sleep is fine.
Dick: Is that too big?
Maddox: Sleep is fine. Sleep is fine. If you want to sleep just the normal amount of time, do it and fuck off. Don't talk about it. Don't talk to me about your sleep. I don't care. But if you love to sleep, if it's a part of your hobby, if it's a part of your identity? You know what? I always swipe left to girls who list "sleeping" as one of their hobbies.
Dick: You do?
Maddox: Yeah! All the time. I see girls who say they love to sleep. You know what? Fuck you. You love to sleep? I don't love you. How about that?
Dick: Yeah, it's like eating. Like, I love to eat. I love to have sex. Like…alright.
Dick: That's what you are?
Maddox: Is that your hobby? Is that your identity? Sleep is your identity?
Dick: I don't care. (sighs)
Maddox: What are you, a sleep master, you Little Nemo? You dumb shit? If you were Little Nemo, I'd be your friend. That sounds amazing. Little Nemo has adventures in his dream and his dreams have, like, real life repercussions. Nobody is Little Nemo. You're not Little Nemo.
Maddox: Nobody knows what I'm talking about. It's a 1920's comic. There's a Nintendo game. It's really good. Check out the…
Dick: (interjects) It's not the fish. It's not the fish that you're talking about.
Maddox: No, not that fish. Not that Nemo. That's a different Nemo. Little Nemo is…yeah. An old 1920's comic.
Dick: You wanna hear more from Asterios Kokkinos?
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Uh, Asterios' bit where he takes the pisstory out of history. Right, shitstory? This is the worst thing that's happened in history this week.
(Telegraph beeping starts, "February 20th, 1839, Congress prohibits dueling in the District of Columbia, banning the cleanest method we had of resolving political disputes. (Dick and Maddox laugh) (Dick: It's true) Remember the Federalist Party? Of course you don't, because Aaron Burr shot Alexander Appleton, ending the Federalist Party. (Dick and Maddox crack up) Although dueling was banned in DC, our brilliant Congressman found a loophole. They simply made the two-hour carriage ride to the outskirts of Maryland, then murdered each other! Hurray!!")
Maddox: Cool. (laughing)
Dick: Can you imagine that?
Maddox: That would be amazing.
Dick: If that was still a viable way of solving, like, political arguments?
Maddox: I wish those pigfuckers in DC would still do that.
Maddox: Just shoot themselves in the head.
Dick: Yeah. Or at least box it out.
Maddox: Is that illegal to say? 'Cause I'm not making a threat, but I am suggesting that they shoot themselves in the head.
Dick: No, no, no. That's not illegal to say.
Maddox: That's not illegal?
Dick: To say that people in Congress should shoot themselves in the head?
Maddox: Shoot themselves in the head. Or face. Yeah.
Dick: Or each other? In the face?
Maddox: Or each other. They should have…
Dick: (interjects) No.
Maddox: …a big party. Like…they should have a big congress where they just point guns at each other and just keep firing…
Dick: (interjects) And just fire randomly.
Maddox: Just slaughter. And the last man standing wins. Okay? You know what? I guess you won.
Dick: Wins a free shot to the head.
Maddox: Wins a free shot to the…yeah.
Dick: (laughs) No, I don't think that's illegal to say. I guess we'll find out. (Maddox laughs) You know what was interesting? So, you remember that movie, The Interview, right? About the North Korea thing?
Dick: So, that movie raised such ire because it's about murdering the president or the ruler of North Korea, right?
Dick: Yet, it is illegal for us in America to do that.
Dick: Isn't that interesting?
Maddox: Interesting. Hypocrisy.
Dick: Interesting hypocrisy, right?
Dick: There's, like, hey, so Obama comes out and says, "Hey, eff you, Sony."
Dick: "You are pussies for not making your movie about murdering a foreign dictator."
Dick: And it's like, "Hey, can we make that movie about you?" "You're going straight to jail!" If you do that.
Maddox: Where was that argument, Dick, when I brought in Sony as a problem? Instead of your bloviating about how much Sony…and Obama's the villain here, and this and that. That's a good argument.
Dick: I just thought of it.
Maddox: (giggles) Okay.
Dick: I just thought of it.
Maddox: You know, we'll go back and patch it.
Dick: What I need is a time machine.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: That's why it should be a solution.
Maddox: Oh, biggest solution. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, that's a good one. Alright, here's another one.
(Telegraph beeping starts again, with fanfare in the background: "February 21st, 1804, the first steam-powered locomotive is demonstrated at the Penydarren Ironworks in South Wales, leading directly to the development of steampunk. (Maddox and Dick crack up) Those annoying nerds in goggles and corsets who clog up our otherwise pristine comic book conventions wouldn't exist if inventor Richard Trevithick's new steam-powered engine had simply exploded, killing hundreds. (Maddox and Dick crack up) A small price to pay, indeed.")
Dick: He sounds so nice, but he's such a sick fuck!
Maddox: Ugh, I love Asterios.
Dick: Yeah, me too.
Maddox: That's amazing.
Dick: Alright, we ready for my problem?
Maddox: Let's do it.
Dick: My problem is…Newscasterbation. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Newscasterbatian. (laughing)
Maddox: You know, Dick, you've been really jerking yourself off with these titles lately. (Dick laughs) A lot of creative alliterations and stupid shit.
Dick: Yeah, I'm funny. (laughing)
Maddox: Uh, this one I actually like.
Dick: You like this one, why?
Maddox: I love the title for this.
Maddox: It's just fun. It's a fun way of saying it. It's a fun visualization. I'm imagining a new anchor jerking off.
Dick: Right. Uh…which they do. Newscasters? They all jerk off.
Dick: However. However, I think as a society, we revere them in this way that they are beyond human. Like, these are not people we're looking at. These newscasters. They are magical deities that bring us only facts and don't jerk off at home. And don't lie. And don't make shit up. Right? And don't have out-of-control egos. They're some kind of prescient beings that are responsible for giving us information and they're not out-of-control egomaniacs who just want to be on television!! Right?
Maddox: Well, I don't think it's one extreme or the other, Dick. I think the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I don't think that newscasters are revered as much as you say. And I don't think they're as shallow and just these vain people who just want to be on TV. I don't think it's either one, really. I do believe that some good journalists exist, and I believe that they are journalists because they want to bring people facts. They want to tell the truth. They want to bring important stories to people who need to know.
Dick: Well, maybe. But I hate them. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: So Brian Williams got fired this week.
Dick: Or suspended without pay.
Maddox: Brian Williams was the NBC nightly news anchor, is that correct?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. He was also the smug asshole on 30 Rock that had, like, this stupid vi…did you ever…do you know the show 30 Rock?
Maddox: Yeah, I don't get it. I tried to watch it a bunch of times. (annoyed) And I don't like 30 Rock. I don't like what's his name…Morgan. Tracy Morgan.
Dick: Tracy Morgan.
Maddox: I don't like him. He's the one who is almost in a coma, right?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Loves to sleep! (Dick laughs) Uh…anyway. (laughs) Yeah, man. I never liked that show. Anyway, yeah. He was in 30 Rock.
Dick: That show only works if you fast forward to the Alec Baldwin parts.
Maddox: Eh, I don't like Alec Baldwin on that show.
Dick: Oh, you don't like Alec Baldwin on the show? (incredulous)
Maddox: No, he's too smug and his face is too fat.
Dick: Oh, okay. Well, he does have a fat face. Anyway! Brian Williams was the wry, smug asshole. The host of NBC News.
Dick: And he made…do you know what he made up? He made up a bunch of shit.
Maddox: Like what?
Dick: Well, he said he was in some kind of a helicopter thing in Afghanistan, wherever, I don't know.
Maddox: So, a helicopter, yes.
Dick: He was in a helicopter. There was another helicopter…another helicopter got shot down, and he's been telling everybody that that was the one he was in.
Dick: That got shot down.
Dick: Like, over time, he's exaggerated…
Dick: This…the danger that he was in.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: And he has a history of doing it.
Dick: So, all of a sudden, it caught up with him.
Maddox: What other things has he exaggerated?
Dick: Uh, he exaggerated something about Katrina. I don't know what it was.
Maddox: I read it, actually, Dick.
Dick: What was it?
Maddox: Putting you on the spot. I did your research. I read it. He said during Hurricane Katrina that he was staying at some hotel, I think near the French Quarter.
Sean: It was the Ritz Carlton.
Maddox: The Ritz Carlton, that's what it was.
Maddox: And he looked out the window and saw a dead body floating by. Well, his producer and I think one of his co-anchors or someone said that they didn't see a dead body float by.
Sean: The French Quarter had almost no flooding.
Dick: (scoffs) So, not only was there no dead body floating by, but there was no water.
Sean: Yeah. And he also said that there were, like, "gangs of thugs" was the quote, like roaming around the Ritz Carlton.
Dick: He's always putting himself in danger. He's like Napoleon Dynamite.
Dick: Like, he's always bragging about getting into these fights with rival gangs when it's not happening.
Maddox: So, he's sensationalized the news a little bit.
Dick: Look. Yes.
Dick: Yeah. Mkay.
Maddox: So that's…therefore, we should just completely diminish his entire career of journalism?
Dick: These people…these people are all car salesmen selling ads.
Dick: That's what I'm saying. These newscasters?
Dick: They're slick. They're slick pimp car salesmen selling ads. They're no different to you and me, except we do our own research and they just read a little screen in front of them. And smile. And act like they did something for us.
Maddox: Yeah. We're not selling anything but dude, check out our bonus episodes. (Dick and Sean laugh) Uh, so, Dick…
Dick: (interjects) At least we're honest about it. That's what I'm saying.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, I don't think they're trying to fool people into thinking that they're not selling advertisements. Although, I guess the association is lost on some people.
Dick: Well, no, no. I do think they are. Trying to trick people into thinking there's this veneer of professionalism in journalism, and that's why he got fired. Or that's why he got suspended. You see what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah. (sighs)
Dick: It's like when the Dan Rather thing happened.
Dick: And he got canned, or he left, or whatever. For those fake George W. Bush documents.
Maddox: Refresh everyone's memory.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Dan Rather, 60 Minutes piece saying that…brought in some documents, allegedly, from the National Air Guard, I think?
Dick: Saying that George W. Bush was an idiot during his service there.
Maddox: I think he said that he didn't serve, right?
Dick: The documents were false.
Dick: Okay? So Dan Rather's gotta take the long walk of shame into the great Northwest, and he's no longer welcome there. What, did HE do this? Did he put that all together? Like what…he's a MASCOT. All these people are just mascots that have nice smiles and nice voices to read you shit that other people put together that TOES THE LINE between complete sensationalist garbage and mundane facts that you can read on the Internet all day, every day! (ranting)
Maddox: Yeah, I don't think so, Dick. I think some of them do important, original work in journalism and they bring an important story that wouldn't otherwise be known to the public, to Americans, to the world, had they not been doing their jobs. So, Dan Rather, back in 1987, it's interesting you mentioned Dan Rather. Um, he…you know the 6 minutes of silence? The protest that they had on…I believe it was 60 Minutes. You know the 6 minutes of silence controversy?
Maddox: Well, I believe it was CBS. They wanted to broadcast a tennis match, and the tennis match was gonna go a little bit longer into the news broadcast and Dan Rather had a fit. He said, "Absolutely not. We are not going to push the news, which is something important, it's something people need to know, for a tennis match." And so, as a protest, when they cut…it went back and forth and I think at the last minute, CBS backed down and they said, "Okay, we're gonna cut to 60 Minutes." Dan Rather, out of protest, didn't appear at the anchor desk for 6 minutes. There were 6 minutes of silence. And that's what they called it. So later, Dan Rather, well, he's always been kind of uh…liberally skewed, right? He skews more liberal, and he went to…he was interviewing Vice President Bush while he was still a candidate, right? And he asked him a question about the Iran-Contra Affair during a live interview. And Bush responding, saying, "Dan, how would you like it if I judged your entire career by those 7 minutes when you walked off the set in New York?" So Bush actually had a good retort for once in his life, right?
Dick: Ooookay, here we go. (groans)
Maddox: He made a good point. He made a good point. No, that was a good point. If you…(stammers) it wouldn't be fair to judge Dan Rather's entire career based on that one act, right?
Maddox: Why is it fair to do that with Brian Williams here?
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: You know, he's made a couple of mistakes in his career. But he's only allowed to make zero mistakes.
Maddox: Brian Williams can't make any mistakes. He's been a news anchor for over 32 years. He's won a Peabody award. He's won an Emmy award for his coverage of the stock market collapse. He's the managing editor of NBC Nightly News. He makes a couple mistakes. He tells a couple of fibs. So is that the end of his career?
Dick: Yeah!! Because his entire job is just looking like he's honest all the time!
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: His entire job is based on how he looks!
Maddox: Yeah, and so…
Dick: (interjects) Not on doing real work!! (annoyed)
Maddox: So he can't make any mistakes.
Dick: Or you're fuckin' fired! Because what you bring to this job is absolutely nothing but what you look like! The same as all these other newscasterbating assholes!! That's why I hate them!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, Dick, I got a…(ritzy theme music starts) (Dick and Maddox crack up)
(Dick Versus Dick!!!!!!!!! Theme continues)
Maddox: I got a real quick Dick Versus Dick that just came up.
Maddox: Breaking news, everyone! So, a few seconds ago, you said that these people are revered as superhuman, as some kind of gods, or whatever.
Dick: Yeah, they are.
Maddox: Right? I think it is superhuman to expect someone to never make a mistake, Dick! And yet, now you're saying he's never supposed to make a mistake, and thus, should be superhuman! Which is it, Dick?
Dick: No, that's not what I'm saying at all.
Maddox: Then what are you saying?
Dick: I'm saying that the nature of their job proves what I'm saying. That they're just a bunch of jokers selling cars.
Maddox: But a lot of these people, a lot of these journalists, Dick. Do have long careers where they don't make mistakes. Lemme read a few of 'em.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Bob Woodward. He broke the Watergate Scandal. You remember Watergate?
Dick: Yeah, he's a reporter.
Maddox: He's a journalist.
Maddox: He won a Pulitzer Prize. He was a Yale University graduate. Walter Cronkite. Peabody winner. 50 years of experience. None of these blemishes on his record. Ernest Hemingway. You remember that guy?! He was a journalist.
Dick: Are you…are you confusing legitimate journalism with the vain, veneered, fake robots that are broadcasting the news?
Maddox: Yeah, I'm not sure Brian Williams is one of these fake robots. He's done some good work.
Dick: Like what?
Maddox: I believe he won the Peabody for his coverage of Katrina.
Dick: He won an award? (skeptical)
Maddox: Yeah, because he did do some good work. Look, if he exaggerated this thing during the Katrina news report, or whatever, fine. You know, also, by the way, this thing in the Iraq war that he's saying his helicopter got shot at. Happened, like, 12 years ago. I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to say that while adrenaline is surging, your memory gets a little bit faded, because that's what the purpose of adrenaline is in our bodies evolutionarily. When we experience trauma or when we're experiencing danger, high levels of danger and anxiety, our adrenaline pumps and then we don't remember what happened in those moments.
Sean: But he was in a helicopter that arrived an hour later than the one that got hit!
Sean: An HOUR later. And I also don't think that you forget being shot at.
Maddox: (giggles) Yeah.
Sean: I don't think you conflate that.
Dick: I've never been shot at. I don't remember it. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: You don't remember not getting shot at?
Dick: No, I don't remember it.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: I just don't think you mix that up.
Dick: I've never been in a helicopter that was not shot down and then when people say, "Hey, were you ever in a helicopter that was shot down", I'm like, "Oh yeah, totally."
Dick: I don't even misremember that. Because I'm not…a vainglorious blowhard who's on television getting…sucking up worship from Middle America to tell them sensationalist horseshit to SELL CARS and TAMPONS! (yelling)
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, man. I don't know. I think Brian Williams has had a career for 32 years. He's been a correspondent at NBC Nightly News. He was a White House correspondent. He was on MSNBC News. He started out his career in 1982. This guy's been doing this shit forever. I don't think that he's completely full of shit. I think that he probably…some amount of what he does, probably he does because he does care about the news. I don't think Brian Williams is one of these shills. He's not a Bill O'Reilly. He's not one of these guys on Fox News. He's not like, uh, what's his name? Glenn Beck or, what's the other guy?
Dick: Keith Olbermann?
Maddox: Keith Olbermann, yeah. Keith Olbermann…
Dick: (interjects) The sportscaster? You don't think Brian Williams would just be a sportscaster if he wasn't this, like, revered news figure? That's…why did we see his smug ass on 30 Rock, then? He just wants more attention. Hey, look at me, I'm also funny! Look at me, look at me, look at me, look at me!
Maddox: Yeah, that may be a good point. I'll cede you that.
Dick: Allllriiiiiiiiiight! (Maddox laughs) I never know. I never know when it's gonna be a good point. I just talk.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: There you go, Dick. (Dick laughs) First time after 40 episodes, you finally made a good point. (laughing)
Maddox: You know…okay. Brian Williams may be that guy. I don't know. But I think that not all of them are like that. I think some of them are these revered people because they deserve to be. Christiane Amanpour on CNN, you know her?
Maddox: Not a lot of people do, but they should.
Dick: Is she hot?
Maddox: She does really good work. Um, she's a MILF.
Dick: Alright. Thank you.
Maddox: Good question. Let's not talk about her body of work.
Dick: (laughing) She's on the TV!
Dick: That's why you're on the TV! Cause you're hot!! (yelling)
Maddox: No, she's not. Um, she's not…like, these Fox News supermodels that they hire. She's won a Peabody, a Polk, a Dupont Columbia Award, Courage in Journalism Award, Edward R. Murrow Award, nine honorary degrees, Walter Cronkite Award. She does really good work. She does CNN International stuff.
Dick: But these awards, aren't they all shams?
Dick: Like, what's an award?
Maddox: Oh, here we go! Here we go. Dick's agenda!
Dick: What's an award? You brought in the Webby Awards!
Dick: I thought every award is a sham!
Maddox: They're not.
Dick: What…oh!!! (exasperated)
Maddox: They're simply not. I shot you down during the Webby Award episode and I'll refresh your memory how I shot you down. I mentioned, specifically, the Nobel Prize. Right? And you said, "Oh, they do that to gin up publicity." That was your argument.
Dick: Yeah, they do.
Maddox: But they don't. They don't, Dick, because the Nobel Award comes with a prize tag.
Dick: A million bucks.
Maddox: And that price…a million bucks!
Maddox: You don't think that if they wanted that publicity, they could simply buy a million dollars' worth of advertising or do something else?
Dick: Maddox, that guy invented dynamite! There's not enough money in the world to buy off the guilt that he…that Alfred Nobel suffered for that. I think that's…I think that's accurate. I don't know…I'm not saying…I'm sure the comments will prove me wrong on that.
Dick: But I believe the backstory of that and I don't have a fucking Internet in front of me.
Dick: So I can't make sure, but I believe he was…he made enormous war machines! He, like, revolutionized war!
Maddox: Because of dynamite?
Dick: Yeah, 'cause of what he…his contributions to it.
Maddox: Dynamite also revolutionized coal mining and strip mining, and all these practical applications that we use dynamite for.
Dick: Sure, but guys go crazy when they get older and they go, "Oh, man, I really…I messed a lot of stuff up, so lemme set up this fund that will perpetuate itself through the ages…"
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: "And I'll be immortal." Like that?
Dick: "That's why I'll set up this stupid award, so my name will live forever, hahaha."
Dick: "Look at me, look at me, look at me."
Maddox: Okay, Dick. I want you to assign a probability to the following possibility.
Maddox: What is the probability that Nobel actually believed in creating some good and perpetuating some good in mankind and wanted people to further the arts and sciences and humanities? (Dick exhales loudly) Would you say it's, I don't know. 10%? 50%?
Dick: Yeah. I'd…no, I'd give you around 10.
Dick: I think. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. And what's this based on?
Dick: I don't know. People. I'm like Christian Grey. I have a good understanding of people.
Maddox: Christian Grey. Who's that? From 50 Shades of Grey?
Dick: Yeah. The psychopath from 50 Shades of Grey. (Maddox laughs) Yeah! People don't do things for altruistic reasons. They do things 'cause it gets 'em off.
Maddox: Yeah. You are an abusive sexual monger. (Dick cracks up)
Dick: Hey, speaking of abusive sexual monsters, you wanna see…you wanna hear more of Asterios' bits?
Maddox: I sure do.
(Telegraph machine starts to beep: " February 21st, 1988: Famed televangelist Jimmy Swaggart is suspended from his ministry for sleeping with a prostitute, but c'moooooonn! (Dick and Maddox laugh) What's the point of being a religious leader if you can't get a little on the side? (Dick: Yeah. Maddox: Well.) Jesus hung out with prostitutes, and everybody LOOOOOVVEEESS Jesus! Oh Jesus, you're so great! (Maddox and Dick crack up) Jesus has such great abs, marry me Jesus, *kissy noises* enough of that! When will society stop persecuting multimillionaire hypocrite preachers and go after the REAL criminals: working girls trying to feed their families? Lock 'em up!")
Dick: Good points.
Maddox: Yeah. That was satire, but I'm going to choose to take it literally. (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Dick: I can't tell the difference.
(Telegraph machine starts to beep: "February 21st 1855: The newly completed Washington Monument opens, marking the first time America ever made a building that was blatantly just a penis. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Sure, all skyscrapers are essentially penises, (Maddox: Yeah.)but we at least dress those up with offices and windows and stuff! The Washington Monument is 100% just a penis (Maddox chuckles)- and worse, a very skinny penis! Does not our first president deserve a thick, girthy monument? (Dick cracks up) In this reporter's opinion, you could NEVER satisfy that rather feminine St. Louis Arch with such a monumentally small penis.")
Dick: He's a reporter now.
Maddox: (giggles) Yeah. (Maddox and Dick crack up)
(Sound effect: Audience laughter)
Dick: See? He's a reporter. (grins)
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Dick: This is a reporter.
Maddox: Hey, I think Asterios does some very important journalistic work on the show, Dick.
Dick: Yeah. Me too!
Dick: Me too.
Maddox: Yeah. He's not like Brian Williams.
Dick: And if Asterios said that…told me that he was in a helicopter that did not get shot down, I would be horrified by his mental state.
Maddox: Yeah, man. (sighs) I don't know.
Dick: I mean, I would say, "I have no idea what you've been doing for your entire life, if you're making that up."
Maddox: You know, maybe Brian Williams…has this part of him deep down in his psyche where he has this need and compulsion to lie. Almost like an old grandpa who exaggerates his war stories, right?
Maddox: Maybe Brian Williams has got a little bit of that. You know, these people are really interesting, Dick. I was talking to someone recently who was telling me about a friend that she had who is a pathological liar. And she said there's this girl…so, everything coming out of this girl's mouth is a lie and she doesn't know almost anything about this girl, including her name!
Dick: Oh, god. (groans) Fascinating.
Maddox: Her name…she…(giggles) Her name comes from a bird, and she's not sure if it's real or made up. She's never seen ID. One of the stories she told her is that one time she was a race car driver, and she…she and her boyfriend were driving, and the car went off the cliff, and she said that she climbed out and she went up to the top and she climbed right back down to save her boyfriend, and then climbed back down again to save his luggage. (Dick and Sean crack up) While the car was sinking!
Dick: She got too greedy! I would have believed the boyfriend, but I'm not believing the luggage.
Maddox: Yeah, and she said that she was a supermodel and she won, like, millions of dollars in grants for some research that she did. And she worked for some pharmaceutical company. Everything out of this girl's mouth is a lie. But you don't know where the real…where the truth and the fiction begin. And guess what? It works. She gets jobs. She gets attention. She gets invited to things.
Maddox: She's a socialite. But where…where does the truth end and begin?!
Dick: I already wanna meet her.
Maddox: I know! (laughs) You know what, Dick? When she was telling me about this girl, I said, "Oh, this sounds like Dick's type of woman."
Dick: (cracks up) Yeah!
Maddox: Out of her fucking mind!
Dick: That'd be great! Yeah!
Maddox: Ohhh. She's so crazy, Dick!
Dick: Oh my god.
Maddox: She's just your type.
Dick: She should host the news.
Maddox: (laughing) Coming up next, a bunch of made-up bullshit. (Dick laughs) With Brian Williams, and Dick's girlfriend.
Dick: Yeah. Um…no, I forgot what I was gonna say again.
Maddox: Yeah man, um, there's some really good journalists out there. Ed Bradley from 60 Minutes. He won an Emmy. Covered the Vietnam War. Dan Rather. You know, Dan Rather, again, like, 43 years of experience, man! You wanna dismiss his entire body of work 'cause he made a couple of mistakes? Yeah. Journalists have to be right 100% of the time. You know how difficult that is? You know how almost impossible that is? Even doctors who perform heart surgery and brain surgery aren't correct 100% of the time! (ranting) The President isn't correct 100% of the time! Nobody's correct 100% of the time except for yours truly! You know how difficult that is!? You know the amount of pressure there is?!? That's why I got these fucking veins in my forehead, 'cause my mind's always working!! (yells) The gears are always turning. I'm always thinking about counters and rebuttals and arguments. I'm always right!
Dick: And monkeys.
Maddox: Yeah. Monkeys. The biggest problem.
Dick: Yeah. I don't think Dan Rather did anything wrong. Because he's just a guy up there reading things people tell him to read.
Maddox: He was a journalist.
Dick: Not at the end when he's on TV. There's a difference, I'm saying! And that…when you're in that job, when you're sitting there acting like a pretend asshole, being serious all the time. That's what I call Newscasterbation. That's why I think the Daily Show is a success, 'cause they don't act like that. Even though I don't like it and I don't watch it!
Maddox: (giggles) Why don't you like it, and why don't you watch it?
Dick: 'Cause it's too fucking Liberal.
Maddox: Oh is it?
Dick: Eh, it's too Liberal for me.
Maddox: You know, people com…people say that about the Daily Show. Look, politically, I'm neither Conservative nor Liberal. I consider myself not affiliated. I usually vote Independent.
Maddox: But I do watch the Daily Show, because I feel like the Daily Show does go after the left, probably not as tenaciously as the right, but they do go after the left. They do call out Obama for his bullshit. They call out Senators, Democrat or Republican, for their bullshit. I think Jon Stewart's clearly Liberal. However, just because you're Liberal doesn't mean everything you say or do comes out of that Liberal prism. Unlike most of the anchors on Fox News. That's why it's difficult to watch Fox News and get any kind of objective response from Fox News. Occasionally, a blurb will come out from Fox News where they're criticizing the right, but it's really, really rare!
Dick: You know what, I'm just thinking about it after you're saying that. I don't even know if it's the Liberalness of it. I think it's the jokeyness of it.
Dick: Like, when I hear about…when I hear anything politics, it can be very upsetting. If you think about it for even a second. Like, if you think about what they're doing. If you think about all the money they're wasting and the lives they're ruining, it's very upsetting. And I want it to be treated viciously. Like, when you're talking about gunfights solving political debates, I legitimately think, "I would legitimately like to see that." Like, alright.
Maddox: I would, too.
Dick: Let's duel it out!
Dick: Here you go. Here's a bunch of pistols. This pistol fight in Congress is sponsored by the NRA!
Dick: Here you go. Let's see it. And I think that is in direct opposition to, like, the piss taking and the humor that is the Daily Show. And I don't know, maybe that's why I don't like it. I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, Dick. I think that with the Daily Show, some of it is that they laugh so that they don't cry.
Dick: I would rather smash things so that I don't cry.
Maddox: It's a sad…I know. But it's such a sad state of affairs.
Dick: I'm a Raiders fan.
Maddox: You know what, Dick? A lot of people say that I do some important work, too. (Dick cracks up) (Maddox giggles) Fuck you!! Why are you laughing?! That's bullshit!!
Dick: No, I think you do, too.
Maddox: Yeah. So, one time, I got an email from somebody, who said "Hey Maddox, you swear too much." "Hey Maddox, I like what you're saying and I like the message, but the way you deliver it turns off a lot of people."
Maddox: And my response to them was, "First of all, you are so out of your element. You're so out of your league here. You don't even understand what I'm trying to do. Yes, I swear. Yes, I'm crude. I'm crass. I say things that are controversial. But you know what? The way I deliver my news and my material speaks to a certain segment of the audience and the population that wouldn't be reached otherwise, period. I deliver some important ideas under this veneer of humor, because people need to digest it. You need a little bit of sugar with the medicine. That's why the Daily Show's important. That's why Colbert Report is important. These things are doing…they're doing really important work, but they're delivering it to people who wouldn't be reached otherwise! (ranting) You think college kids are turning on, what, the McLoughlin Group and watching this boring, dry debate? Of course not! What's our show? What are we doing, Dick? This is a debate show! Some of the things that we talk about on the show, me more than you I think, are really important, and…(cracks up)
Dick: Well, let's check the Titanic counter for that.
Maddox: Oh, well, well, well, buddy. See, but we bring in this important debate under the guise of humor, right?
Maddox: That's the sugar with the medicine that we're giving people.
Dick: I'm not saying it's a problem. I'm just saying I don't watch it.
Maddox: (giggles) Okay.
Dick: That's it.
Dick: Yeah. But, most people do.
Maddox: This could be, like, a third Dick Versus Dick. I'd have to go back and listen to it again.
Dick: Why, because I don't enjoy it? I get it. I see what's going on there. I don't do it.
Dick: I mean, I get tea parties. I see why women like dressing up in frilly stuff and going to have a tea party. I don't like it. I don't do it.
Maddox: What does that have to do with anything?
Dick: Because that type of humor engages with, what, 80% of kids, 80% of the 18 to 50 demo? The Daily Show? The type of humor you're talking about.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: The Daily Show and The Colbert Report. Gauges with a lot of people. Doesn't gauge with me.
Dick: That's it.
Maddox: Alright, well. Different boats for different folks.
Dick: Different boats for different folks, guys.
Maddox: That's a sa….(cracks up)
Dick: Alright! That's my problem. Newscasterbation. I don't know if we ever got to the bottom of it, but that's my problem.
Maddox: Yeah, uh…you know, Dick, it sounds like you fucked up.
Dick: (interjects) Oh, one more thing…
Dick: The one more thing I wanted…the new international. You remember that phone hacking shit? Remember when that happened?
Maddox: Which phone hacking?
Dick: In the news of the world and other British newpapers were caught hacking, like, celebrities, and police bribing, and exercising influence over politicians. You remember that?
Maddox: Yeah, I do remember that.
Dick: Yeah. The now-defunct paper.
Maddox: Yeah. It went under.
Dick: Yeah. That was a…that was a "respected" news source. (conspiratorial)
Maddox: I don't think so. I think they were a yellow journalist organization.
Dick: Well, maybe so.
Dick: Yeah. (chuckles)
Maddox: I think they were like…and people get pissed off, I think, at me, for quoting anything from, I think the Telegraph, or the Daily Mail, one of the two.
Dick: It's the Daily Mail, because they're right wing.
Dick: That's why people get pissed. I promise you that's why. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, it's not just that, though. I did follow up on some of the links that people were sending me to craaaaaazy shit the Daily Mail has published in the past, and it's stuff, like, anti-vaxxer shit and outrageous celebrity scandals. They're one of these types of news organizations that pay hackers to get into the private data and records of the Royal family, so they can have these outrageous, sensationalistic headlines, and things like that.
Dick: Alright, what's your problem?
Maddox: People Who Love To Sleep. Fucking idiots. (Dick chuckles) Tired of it. Just die already. Um, yeah. And yours was Newscaterbation.
Maddox: (giggles) Newscasterbation. Pretty good. Um, guys, thanks for checking out the live show. Uh, leave some comments on the YouTube channel and subscribe to the YouTube channel. And this is probably the only time I'll ever ask anyone to subscribe, but subscribe if you wanna see the regular updates being posted there, or irregular, as the case may be. And uh…let us know what you think about the live show. If this has a good response, you will see more live shows in the future.
Dick: Ooh. Cool.
Dick: I can't wait to see the comments. There's already been some compelling comments about how I look like a woman or a cheap version of Weird Al. (Sean laughs)
Dick: Because of my hair.
Maddox: I got a comment from The Black Knightism. It says, "First time I've ever seen Dick. He looks exactly like I'd have predicted; like a shithead." (Dick cracks up laughing) Yeah.
Dick: That's a good one. (laughing)
Maddox: Um, anyway, guys, thanks again for listening.
(Closing theme starts)
Maddox: This is episode number 40!
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: Uh, don't forget to vote at http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. More next week.
Dick: Thanks for listening.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Maddox, I just got done listening to the Valentine's Day episode, and if you want to not listen to fucking love songs, turn off the fucking radio, you goddamn moron. (Maddox: Yeah. Okay.) (Dick laughs) Jesus Christ in a football helmet, you're dumb. Go fuck yourself. (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Maddox: Alright, this fuckin' asshole. Alright, get ready for it, dickhead.
Maddox: You're not always in control of the radio, are you, asshole?!? Sometimes your friend's driving and you're in the backseat making out with someone and you gotta listen to some bullshit-ass love song because your friend's driving?!!? (Dick guffaws) I have friends, idiot!! Why don't you get some and maybe you'll realize the problem of love songs on the radio! I can't always turn it off!
Dick: You're in the back seat making out with someone? Is that what you tried to say?
Maddox: Maybe a couple of hot babes are making out with my lips! (Dick cracks up)
Dick: A couple!? (incredulous)
Dick: Ohh, boy.
Maddox: I don't have time. My hands are busy!
Dick: Alright. (grins)
Maddox: I can't reach up there. I can't reach past the driver. Who am I, some kind of bozo in the back seat changing the station?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Cabs? Limos?
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys. Um, I'm looking here at the biggest problems from last week, and I see Black Income Disparity, and I thought that was a pretty good problem. But part of me is saying, whenever I vote now, the fact that I wanna listen to Maddox watch Titanic. (Maddox: Mhmm.)So Maddox, my suggestion to you is, why don't you just watch fucking Titanic already, so that way Dick can't use that against you? (Dick: That's true!) Because I feel like there's just…my personal opinion. That that's affecting how I vote now. (Maddox: Yeah) Because I just want you to watch Titanic. So, why don't you just go get that out of the way? Uh, yeah. Also Dick, go fuck yourself.")
Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!! (disappointed)
Maddox: Okay, uh, two things. Two things. First of all, I agree with that comment in that it's created a gimmick for the show. People are changing the way they vote because they want this gimmick to be heard every episode. And second, um, okay. I'm going to watch Titanic after this episode. (Dick gasps) I will watch Titanic and don't worry about it. No more Titanic clips. How about that? (smiles)
(Sound clip: Titanic theme starts up)
Maddox: You motherfucker!! (laughing) I hate this song!! (Dick laughs)
Dick: I'm gonna end it on this song.
Maddox: Yeah.. end it on this big piece of shit. (Dick cracks up) You know, joke's on you, dickhead. You had to listen to this song to sing this parody of it.
("Maddox is an aaaaaassshole…."
Maddox: You're an asshole.
("He can go fuuuuuuuck himself."
Maddox: Why don't you fuck yourself? (Dick cracks up)
("His problems all suuck, and he deserrrrrrrves this." (Dick laughing)
Maddox: You're my problem. I hope you get cut.
("Keeeeep playing these Titanic cliiiips…."
Maddox: Suck my dick.
("And Dick, you can go ooooooon, and……)
(Song cuts off)