Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 39
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get 50$ toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST. It's a two…it's a double. You gotta do both. (grins)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dax. D…ugh. (Dick cracks up laughing) (Maddox starts laughing)
Sean: It's been a while since you've done that.
Maddox: You know what? You know what? Keep it going, Sean. (Dick still laughing) 'Cause we gotta mention this. We gotta mention this. (laughing)
Dick: Oh, we have to mention that Dick Masterson is not a part of the live show?
Dick: Ohh, yeah.
Maddox: No, Dick, it is D…
Dick: (interjects) Scandalous. (Maddox laughs) Scandalous. We don't wanna say who the co-host is. I don't wanna say who the co-host is yet, but it's not Dick Masterson, because Dick Masterson is not allowed on YouTube! (laughing)
Maddox: No. (giggles)
Dick: For good reason.
Dick: He's too powerful!
Maddox: Yeah, so that's a little preview. (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Dick: More powerful than you can possibly imagine with the awful things that he says!
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, well, fuck it. So, that's a little preview of the live show. There you go. (Dick laughing still) Which, by the way…we should probably mention why it's…that it was delayed. Uh, you guys all know about it.
Dick: It was delayed. (grins)
Dick: Why was it delayed?
Maddox: Well, so…it was delayed because it just took a long time to edit those episodes down. (Dick cracks up) (Maddox laughs) We're still actually just editing the episodes and putting finishing touches on it. And I was still coordinating stuff with the CG artists and the motion graphics guy, Joe Fen. He's a kickass dude. Uh…he actually worked on my…one of my videos. The airline fees one, where there's that shot of opening the overhead compartment and there's a baby in there that's passed out?
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that.
Maddox: 'Cause he's been gassed with nitrous oxide or whatever. Uh, yeah. He did that.
Dick: Whatever you gas babies with. (Sean and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Well, we'll find out. Um, anyway. Yeah. So that's the live episode, guys. I was going to even just put out the little preview or something, but I'm like, you know, fuck it. We're just gonna launch next week.
Dick: Guys. We're running this thing out of a garage. Alright? (Maddox giggles) We're sorry. We're sorry that it's late. But we want it to be good.
Dick: Uh, thank you for your patience.
Maddox: Uh, so Dick. Let's go ahead and get this out of the way.
Dick: Yeah!! Who woooooooooooon?!!?! (yells)
Maddox: Noooooooooobodyyyyyyyyyyyyy. (drawls)
Dick: Who won?!
Maddox: Nobody. Like usual, nobody won, because it's not a contest on this show, Dick.
Maddox: And you haven't picked that up yet. (Dick guffaws) Um…Ghostbusting the Patriarchy had the most…
Maddox: Most votes last time. Most votes.
Maddox: Followed by "Type 2 Diabetes".
Maddox: And, tellingly, "Black Income Disparity" came in third. And then followed by "Automatic Hand Dryers". You know, uh…that…that illustrates exactly why the problem of black income disparity exists. Because people don't even think it's a bigger problem than a shitty Ghostbusters remake.
Dick: Yeah, but here's…here's the thing you gotta keep in mind. Um…it's the way you sold the problem. You really…you gotta…you gotta get people emotionally.
Maddox: Oh, okay. (groans)
Dick: You gotta have an emotional impact with your problem, you know what I'm saying? Ghostbusting the Patriarchy. People have an emotional attachment to Ghostbusters. You should have brought in a black guy or a woman (Maddox giggles) to give her emotional or his emotional connection to the problem. You know what I'm saying?
Sean: Yeah. Because he was the fun extinguisher last week.
Dick: Yeah, you were the fun extinguisher. (grins)
Dick: You busted all the fun out of this episode. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, sorry. I busted the fun while you were busting the patriarchy with your bullshit ironic title. And by the way, Dick, that…what you just described is literally a fallacy. There's a fallacy called "Appeal to Emotion Fallacy". (Dick guffaws) That's what that is.
Dick: Hey. You wanna win, or not? (Sean cracks up) I'm teaching you how to win.
Maddox: It's not about winning.
Dick: I'll show you how to do it.
Dick: I'm gonna bring in a black problem and I'm gonna pack this place with black people. (Maddox cracks up) And I'm gonna win!
Sean: Wait, so do we get one minute of Titanic this week?
Dick: Oh, that's a good question, Sean!
Maddox: No. No, Sean. Fuck you, Sean!
Sean: Because I've never seen the movie. But let me tell you, I am riveted. I gotta know what's underwater, there.
Maddox: Okay, Sean. This is such bullshit. This is collusion! (Dick cracks up) That's what this is…this is collusion. You guys talked about this, didn't you?
Maddox: Well fuck you both, then. Either way. (Dick laughs) Either way. I don't give a shit. It's the same result.
Dick: That's right. Maddox.
Maddox: I'm not listening to a m…(stammers) Look, you know…quote…even if this were a contest, you don't quote "win twice". You don't get...(giggles) It's not. Ugggggggggh!!! (Sean laughs)
Dick: Well. Everyone knows what that frustrated stammering means. (Maddox and Sean crack up) It's time for another 30 seconds of Titanic. If you remember, we left off deep underwater, where a crew of submersive vessels, or whatever, was excavating an ancient treasure under the sea.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: " How dare you?!")
(Maddox giggles in the background)
Dick: And we had just discovered that it was, in fact, the Titanic. Let's…
Maddox: This is just copyright…copyright violation. That's all this is!
Dick: This is…this is fair use. I'm providing a commentary on the movie.
Maddox: No it's…
Dick: (interjects) This is not detracting from James Cameron making money on this movie. This is an advertisement, if anything, Maddox. Please. Please. Keep your e-lawyering to yourself, alright? (Maddox laughs) Let's watch the splendor and majesty that is…Titanic.
Maddox: You know, while you play this bullshit, I'm just gonna be Googling ways in which we can get sued.
(Clip starts, then cuts off immediately)
Dick: Alright! I'm not…(Sean laughs) You gotta be quiet!!! (Maddox laughs) Look at this. You see where we are?
Maddox: I'm not looking.
Dick: Look at this cool thing!
Maddox: I will not.
Dick: It looks like a spaceship exploring the wreckage.
(Clip starts again, underwater sounds)
Maddox: What a pussy. You're the biggest pussy ever. No, I'm not looking! Fuck you, Sean. I'm not gonna watch this movie.
Maddox: I've only seen…
Dick: Alright. You're wrecking the suspense. (Maddox cracks up) These guys are deep under the sea. There could be mermaids.
Maddox: You're wrecking the podcast, Dick. (Dick laughs) I'm not doing this. It's fucking bullshit.
Dick: No, you'll like this guy.
(Clip starts again…"coming out of the darkness like a ghost ship.")
Maddox: I want you guys to pipe in listening. You guys like this fucking sequence? This segment? (Dick giggles) This is what you're doing.
(Clip continues…"ship sitting here.")
Dick: Shh, he's talking about Titanic.
(Clip: "2:30 in the morning of April…")
Maddox: Oh, is he?
Maddox: Wow, surprise. A movie about Titanic where the guy's talking about Titanic. What a shocker.
(Clip continues in the background, almost inaudible while Maddox complains…"from the world above.")
Maddox: Shitty movie.
(Clip continues…"You are so full of shit, boss." (giggles))
Maddox: Oh, wow. Great.
Dick: You see that?
Dick: You would like that guy!!! Bill Paxton's, like, doing this romantic narrative about the Titanic wreck, and his buddy's like, "You're so full of shit, boss."
Dick: 'Cause he's just, like, a scam artist. You would like that guy!
Maddox: No, I don't. Um, I think Bill Paxton emailed me a long time ago. (giggles) Uh, way back in the day.
Dick: Okay. (scoffs) What did he say?
Maddox: He's a big fan. (giggles)
Maddox: I think s…yeah. I think it was. I couldn't ever verify if it was him. But…(Dick guffaws) but he said he was Bill…and I thought that was such an obscure celebrity to pick. It was before Titanic had come out, I believe, and so it was…it was feasible. It was in that realm where, yeah, maybe this guy…it's Bill Paxton. Like, why would…
Dick: (interjects) Do you have…do you have this email?
Maddox: I mean, probably, in my archives. I'd have to go back to, like, '99, or '98 or something like that.
Dick: I would bet that there is a "Game Over, man." In that email. Sneakily.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: I bet that there's a reference to g…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, the Alien 2 reference?
Dick: Yeah, "Game Over, man."
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, I dunno.
Dick: There you go. That's your punishment.
Maddox: Great. Thanks, Dick. That's my punishment for doing a good job and bringing in a real problem that your fucking morons thought that Ghostbusters was a bigger problem. That's telling. That's exactly why black income disparity is a problem in this country. Um, anyway. I got a comment from Orc Jinas. Or Yinas? I don't know. (Dick and Sean crack up) Uh…he sent me an email. He says, "Does Dick realize that he brought in Lady Thor again this week? Fuck him. You should bring in monkeys again, because they may actually be the biggest problem in the universe." What do you say about that, Dick?
Dick: Well. How many times have you brought in hipsters? Or rich people?
Maddox: Once. Never!
Dick: It's different. It's slightly different. The Ghostbusters thing is slightly different than Lady Thor.
Dick: Lady Thor is shameless. I don't care as much about Thor as I care about the Ghostbusters.
Dick: How about that?
Dick: Uh, I also…I got a voice mail. You wanna hear it?
Dick: People have a problem with the way I…the…you know what was the most contentious part of the podcast last week!? Not me bringing in the all-female cast of the Ghostbusters reboot, or whatever, it was the fact that I called them garbage men.
Maddox: Yup. I was about to read a comment about that!
Dick: No, no. Here's a voice mail. Here.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys. Just listening to the Ghostbusting the Patriarchy episode where Dick is insisting time and time again that the Ghostbusters is a film about trash men and blue collar workers fighting ghosts.")
(Voice mail: (continues) "Dick also says he watches it at least once a month.")
Dick: I do.
(Voice mail: (continues) "So my question is, Dick, what the FUCK are you actually watching, 'cause it's not fucking Ghostbusters!") (Maddox cracks up) ("All FOUR of them are literally fucking doctors! (Maddox: Yeah.)PHDs! Jesus Fucking Christ!!! All your other points were equally as retarded, but (Maddox giggles) …..missing the entire basic premise of the fucking movie! They're parapsychologists! Jesus Fuck!")
Dick: Yeah. I missed it.
(Voice mail: (continues) "Fuck you, Dick!!")
(Maddox and Sean crack up)
Dick: What's your comment? What's the comment you brought in!?
Maddox: (laughing) Jeffrey Neary sent me an email. He goes, "While I do not disagree with your overall point about the Ghostbusters reboot, I find the logic you used to get there a bit misinformed. You spoke about how the men in the original movies…"
Dick: (interjects) Big words. Big words. Trying to sound smart.
Maddox: (laughing) Misinformed?!
Dick: Misinformed. Could have just said stupid.
Maddox: Ohohoho. Sorry. (laughing) He says, "You spoke about how the men in the original movies are blue collar workers."
Maddox: "They are scientists. Not exactly 'blue collar', Dick. Egon, Ray, and Peter are doctors of parapsychology. They engage in paranormal/quantum studies. You can't compare them to garbage men or construction workers. Dick, you suck. That is all."
Dick: Yeah. Okay. (grins) Oh! Oh, wow. Lot of great points.
Dick: Here's one that sums it up perfectly for me. @jackiecollins_, on Twitter. "What the hell Ghostbuster do you think was a trash man in Ghostbusters 1?" Guys, I'll tell you which the hell Ghostbuster I think was a trash man. (Maddox laughing) How about the one wearing a crappy jumpsuit with his name badge embroidered on the front like a fucking garbage man!!! (yells)
Maddox: That doesn't make him a garbage man, Dick!
Dick: How about that one?!
Maddox: It doesn't make…(cracks up)
Dick: How about the one smoking a cigarette while he's loading garbage that's ghosts into a trash compactor, smoking a fucking cigarette and then pulling it down and being a smartass? How about that guy?
Dick: How about the one getting slimed all over? A lot of scientists getting slimed at work? Are there a lot of scientists with industrial gloves keeping them from getting slimed? No. Mechanics have that. Mechanics also overcharge for bills that people refuse to pay! Like that stupid hotel. Remember that one? Remember that scene?
Dick: They're like "Five grand, I'm not paying this." It's like, "Well, we could always go put this ghost back where we found it." Fucking scientists.. how much of the scientific method did you see in that movie? Evidence, inquiry, hypothesize, test? Was there…No! Cross the streams! Oh, I thought you said that would cause total protonic reversal and the destruction of all matter in the universe!! Eh, fuck it!! It's like kick the car when it doesn't work!!!
Maddox: Yeah. Good point, Dick. It's totally unbelievable in "What About Bob?" if the professor in that movie is a psychologist. It's totally unrealistic for him to be one, and also, I don't know, make breakfast. And then call him a cook, right? (Dick cracks up) Oh, he's making breakfast! Cooks make breakfast all the time! Oh, and did we see him do his thesis? His Master's thesis? How do we know he's a professor!!! (cracks up) You fucking idiot!! What a shitty argument.
Dick: You…you are the idiot! No. You cannot have a doctorate in parapsychology, you fuckhead! It's not a real thing!
Dick: It's guy magic. It's blue collar, guy magic! (yells) When chicks make magic, it's Harry Potter, and it's about believing in yourself and pointing a magic wand at shit…(angry) (Maddox laughs) But when guys wanna make something magical, they have to invent a bunch of fake fucking science to back it up! Oh, it's a nuclear accelerator in your backpack. Where'd you get it?!!? Where'd you get the fucking nuclear…where'd you get the plutonium to put in those backpacks, Egon?! Did you requisition the Board of Nuclear Materials for this!?! You fuckin' scientist!?!
Maddox: Uh, I want whoever's transcribing this episode to put "comma, and therefore, they're garbage men." (laughs)
Dick: They are!!!
Maddox: Is that your argument!?!?! (laughing)
Dick: They are garbage men!!!!!!!! (yelling)
Maddox: Oh, man. That's the…
Dick: (interjects) They are garbage men! That was how that movie was pitched.
Maddox: I wish we had some garbage men in this room to take out that garbage argument you just made. (giggles) Dump it right in the trash heap.
Dick: Scientists. Scientists. Cross…(Maddox still laughing) "Hey guys, I'm a scientist. Eh, cross the streams." "I thought you said this would kill everything." "Eh, fuck it."
Maddox: It's also a comedy movie, Dick. (guffaws)
Dick: Yeah. Alright. Yeah, and Frankenstein was a book about a zombie, right? That's what it was about?
Maddox: Essentially. It was the first zombie movie, right?
Dick: Nooooo. It was about technology getting…(excited, yells) (breathes in)
Maddox: So he did some paperwork. Maybe he's an accountant. Right? Dr. Frankenstein?
Dick: Yeah. Whatever. (annoyed)
Dick: Uhhh…(sighs) Let's see. I don't…I got kind of a…I don't know if I wanna read this email. It's actually a touching email that this dude sent in.
Maddox: Oh, the uh…
Dick: Do you want me to read it? Did you get that one?
Maddox: Yeah, I think I know which one you're talking about.
Dick: Do you want to read it? Or do you want me to read it?
Maddox: Go ahead.
Dick: Okay. "Dear Maddox and Dick, no more than six months ago, I lost my mentally disabled father to suicide. He hung himself by his sheets in a county jail after three days because they did not evaluate him properly and kept his medications away from him as their idea of punishment. My depression swallowed me and transformed me into what I am today. While I am still dealing with my own suicidal thoughts, you two keep me balanced. You guys make me laugh week after week and you truly give me a reason to look forward to each Tuesday and subsequent first Monday of the month." That's where you can buy our bonus episode for 1.99$.
Maddox: Oh, geez. (cracks up)
Dick: "Unless Dick is too busy at Disney World."
Dick: Oh, you fucking asshole!
Maddox: And thanks for making time to come in today, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, alright.
Dick: I'm going to Knott's Berry Farm after this.
Maddox: I knew…I knew it! (laughs)
Dick: "I just wanted to reach out to let you know who is among your fan base and the lives you're possibly saving, mine among them. No pressure. Keep up the good work and I can't wait to hear one of you bring up Shitty Prison Systems as a problem. Regards, Dr. Smooth Rod."
Maddox: (cracks up) Dr. Smooth Rod.
Maddox: You know, that's a very touching letter, Dick.
Dick: Wait a minute.
Dick: "P.S.: Nothing personal, but Dick is kind of an idiot." (Maddox and Sean crack up laughing) What is more personal than that!?!?! (giggles) Dr…oh, is this guy Dr. Smooth Rod? Is he a real doctor, too?
Dick: Like the Ghostbusters?!?
Maddox: I dunno. Does he ever take the garbage out? Maybe he's a garbage man!
Dick: "P.P.S.: It's cool if you decide to share my story." There you go. What were you gonna say?
Maddox: Uh, cool. It's a very touching email. Thank you for sending that in. I've actually collected…I have a collection of emails like that over the years that I've received from people who are suicidal who have changed their minds, etc, etc. The one scary thing about that email is that by listening to us, he finds balance. (laughs)
Maddox: Which is just frightening.
Dick: You …balance. What do you mean? Balance, like, in his mind?
Maddox: Balance in his life. No, in his life.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Well…
Maddox: Like, whatever is wrong in his life, we are offsetting with this banter we do every week.
Dick: Hmm. Maybe. I don't know.
Dick: I don't wanna be an armchair psychologist.
Maddox: Ohoh. Too late, buddy. I got a comment from Bob Bobberson. Sounds real. Um, he said, "If black people are suffering from income disparity, why don't they just get a loan from their dad and start a business? Learned that trick from Mitt Romney. With love…"
Dick: It's true.
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah, why don't they just get a loan?
Dick: I don't know. Let's bring a black guy in here and ask him.
Maddox: Great. Bring a whole room full of them, 'cause apparently that's what you need. Okay, Dick. Any more voice mail, comments, anything?
Dick: (sighs) No, no, no, no. I'm ready. I'm ready to go with my problems for this week. I'm gonna…I'm feeling good. I can't lose, boys. I'm on a streak. (Maddox laughs) I'm on a winning streak. I'm like the Chicago Bulls.
Maddox: Yeah. You're on a skid mark. That kind of streak. Go on, Dick. What's your…
Dick: Yeah. You ready for this?
Dick: "Sex with the Ex"
Maddox: Sex with the Ex?
Maddox: Whoaaaaaa. That sounds kinda steamy. What's wrong with that?
Dick: Sex with the Ex?
Dick: You ever done it?
Maddox: Why is that a problem? I have. (giggles)
Dick: It's awful. Right?
Maddox: (laughs) Um, it wasn't among the best experiences. I'll say that. I'll give you that.
Maddox: It wasn't awful. It was just, like, whatever.
Dick: It was still sex.
Maddox: It was weird. It was weird.
Dick: Why was it weird?
Maddox: Uh, because you have this person who you dated for a long time…
Maddox: And then you reconnect with them on a sexual level with your genitals.
Dick: Alright. Tell me more. (Maddox laughs) And then?
Maddox: And it's just, like…it's almost like a hookup, because it's this person you once had these strong feelings and emotions for, but you can't express them in any tangible way, 'cause you know it's just a hookup.
Dick: And so do they. So you're, like, not invested at all. It's not exciting at all.
Maddox: Uh…yeah. It's not…I mean, it is, 'cause you feel like you're kinda getting away with something. You're like, "Oh, I'm not supposed to be doing this. We broke up."
Dick: Yeah, uh…well, what you're saying is interesting. I looked up a little bit about it. I got…I'll get to the real reason I brought it in, but what you're saying, I think is called a cyclical relationship. This woman, Amber Venom. She calls these cycles of relationships that break up and get back together cyclical relationships. And she found, this part was interesting. They're more impulsive about major relationship transitions like moving in together, buying a pet together, or having a kid together. So that's what sex with the ex can lead to.
Maddox: Really? (incredulous)
Dick: Yes, because that type of relationship specifically is more impulsive and more likely to engage in these things that will basically ruin your life. All of these things, having a child, buying a pet, moving in together?
Maddox: Those are all things that'll ruin your life, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. So these are the type of people who would have sex with their ex. They're more likely to do these destructive behaviors. Like move in together. (laughing) Or start a life together. Those type of things.
Dick: Yeah. And they're more likely to get fucked up because…because like you're describing. They're not…they both know…they both consider it a hookup, not permanent.
Maddox: Okay, so. Right. So then, is sex with the ex the problem, or is it the personality type that would have sex with the ex? 'Cause I think you should rename your problem, Dick. The Personality Type of a Person Who Would have Sex with the Ex. (laughs)
Dick: Maddox. That's everybody, first of all.
Dick: Everybody will bang their ex.
Maddox: No, that's not true. I have some exes I've never hooked up with. And I never would.
Dick: They've hooked up with other guys. I got bad news for you.
Maddox: Well, of course. I know they have. I don't give a shit about that.
Dick: Alright. Here's why I brought the problem in. I got an email from Butt Sanchez.
Maddox: Ohhhh, God. (Dick guffaws) Okay, here we go. What does Butt Sanchez have to say this time?
Dick: You're gonna…you're gonna love it. Uh, he sends me this email looking for advice. "Dick, so I'm about to start fucking my crazy, bipolar, already-in-a-relationship ex-girlfriend again. Is this a good idea, or in your experience, is this a terrible idea? My viewpoint as of now is, hey, pussy's pussy."
Maddox: (scoffs) Oh, great.
Dick: Classic Butt Sanchez.
Maddox: It is. (giggles) Yeah.
Dick: "Also, I think it's going to offset the amount of money I've been blowing at strip clubs and massage parlors lately. I live in Atlantic City and the winter hasn't been bringing in the women and it's like a pussy drought. It's terrible." He goes on to say, let's see…"She's lost a lot of weight since we dated four years ago and she's way hotter now."
Maddox: Mmm. (skeptical) So…
Dick: He's asking for advice.
Maddox: So whether or not he should bang his ex?
Maddox: And what's your advice to him? What do you do?
Dick: Well, I asked him, because I…you know my advice. Yeah. Do it.
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
Maddox: Uh, you could wreck your life and have a kid.
Maddox: He's already listening to your shitty advice of not using a condom and banging in a sauna, which is the worst place. It dries on the vag.
Dick: Alright, so I asked him for some positives and negatives.
Maddox: Wait, wait, real quick. I looked at Sean. He just scrunched his face when I said that. (laughing) Uh, yeah, go on.
Dick: Scrunched his face like a dried-up vag over there. (Sean and Maddox crack up) This is our Valentine's Day episode, by the way. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Happy Valentine's Day, guys.
Dick: So, Butt sends me the following positives.
Dick: "She cares a lot about me and she thinks I'm the shit." Pretty good positive.
Maddox: Okay. That is a positive, yeah.
Dick: "My female friends like her and I always hear, "Oh you used to be such a cute couple." From a few of them." Ohhhhhh.
Dick: That makes me "Eeeeeeeeeh."
Maddox: No. That's…well, you want their friends to like you if you're in a relationship, but if you're not…what does that…that's neutral. I'm gonna say that's neutral.
Dick: You're gonna say that's neutral?
Maddox: That's a neutral. Yeah.
Dick: I'm gonna say that's bad.
Maddox: Why is that bad?
Dick: When chicks start pushing you towards a girl…I dunno why they do this, but I think they wanna…like, they…as a man, you're always wanting to oversell yourself.
Dick: Like, you always wanna shoot out of your league.
Dick: And I think your female friends always want you to shoot under your league. You know? And I think…actually, I just had a realization. I think they're doing that for your protection so you keep the power in the relationship. Like, if you're dating under your league…
Dick: They're like, "Yeah, you'll have full control and you'll be alright, then." How about that?
Maddox: As the guy, they want the guy to be dating under their league?
Dick: Yeah. If you have a friend who's a woman, and you're a man, she's like, yeah. They want you to be dating under your league so you maintain the power in the relationship.
Maddox: Ugh, that's weird man. I don't think of relationships in terms of power structures and this, like, weird chess game that you're playing.
Dick: Well. (sighs) (Maddox laughs) There you go.
Maddox: Yeah. That's really weird. I haven't thought about that.
Dick: Uh, number 3 from Butt on the positives.
Dick: "She's got a great ass and looks good naked."
Maddox: Okay, that's a positive.
Maddox: I mean, that's the biggest…yeah. That's a big selling point so far.
Dick: "4: She can keep up with me when it comes to drinking and smoking weed."
Maddox: That's a positive, no?
Dick: Yeah. "…which is hard to find even in most guys. And 5: She would most likely understand if I don't want a relationship because I like being single. If she does start to get too girlfriend, I might bail." Well…
Maddox: Oh, okay. (scoffs) So this guy, who's…
Dick: (interjects) That's a positive.
Maddox: (scoffs) I guess. I mean, is it, though? Because he's complaining about how he's in this desert of vagina, right? A pussy drought. That's what he called it.
Dick: Yeah. Right.
Maddox: He's in this pussy drought, and then he's complaining that this girl, who sounds kinda cool, actually, is into him and has a great ass, and wants to hook up, and he's afraid that she might become his girlfriend?
Maddox: Why? Because that means, like, semi-regular sex.
Dick: Well, but I guess they've already done…they've already had a relationship and it didn't work out.
Sean: Wait. Go back and re-read the first sentence.
Dick: Okay. (giggles) "So I'm about to start fucking my crazy, bipolar, already-in-a-relationship ex-girlfriend again."
Maddox: Okay. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. That says…that says everything we need to know.
Dick: So, oh yeah. So he wanted advice and I didn't wanna give him advice on my own. That's what I'm saying. That's why I brought it in.
Dick: So, what do you think so far, Sean? Before I get to the negatives?
Sean: What, whether he should do it?
Dick: Okay, keep eating.
Sean: Sorry, I'm eating. (Maddox cracks up) Just don't ask me.
Maddox: No, this is a shit…no.
Dick: We're definitely keeping that in.
Maddox: We're definitely keeping that, Sean. (Dick and Maddox cracking up) I love how Sean just mutters under his breath, "Fuck".
Sean: What? I'm gonna edit this shit out.
Dick: Uh-uh!!! No you're not!!
Maddox: No!!! (laughs) Um, so, he wants to know whether or not he should get back together with his bipolar, crazy ex who's in another relationship?
Maddox: Listen, dickhead! Like, of course not! This is a red flag. She…her entire existence is one giant red flag! I bet her Facebook profile picture is a red flag right now. Don't fucking…
Dick: Oh, that's interesting.
Maddox: Yeah. Don't fucking get back together.
Maddox: With this crazy chick. She's cheating on her current boyfriend. What do you hope to get out of this? And then you're gonna have this disappointing sex that both Dick and I agreed on. Is going to be weird and awkward.
Dick: It is. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. And after you're done, you're just gonna kinda, like, feel gross and go take a shower. Do you shower, Butt Sanchez? I don't know. You're listening to Dick's advice over here.
Dick: I shower.
Maddox: Do you?
Maddox: How often?
Dick: Uh, a lot, actually. Twice per day.
Dick: At least twice a day. Is that a lot?
Maddox: Uh…your skin glows, so I dunno, maybe.
Dick: I wake up, and before I go to bed.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, Butt Sanchez. Um, I'm gonna give…
Dick: (interjects) So that's a yes.
Maddox: Thumbs down. No!!! It's a no! (guffaws)
Dick: Well, you said sex, so I assume that's a yes.
Dick: But that's a no. Alright.
Maddox: No, man. Come on. Have some self respect. Get…find a decent woman who you get along with and yeah, maybe she's not gonna be able to smoke as much pot as your guy friends. (Dick cracks up) Who gives a shit?! That's a criteria now?
Dick: Yeah. (dying of laughter)
Maddox: Are you kidding me?
Dick: I don't know!!
Maddox: Who gives a shit, man? She smells like a skunk! I can only imagine. I've never dated a girl who was really into pot smoking, so um, I can only imagine what that would do to their skin and body, right?
Dick: I don't…
Maddox: Probably tastes like skunk!
Dick: Uh, I don't know. The smoke goes away pretty fast.
Dick: I don't think it has, like, harmful effects on your skin and your body like cigarettes do. I've dated a smoker and that was awful.
Maddox: Yeah. I…I've dated a smoker. I don't see what the big deal is.
Dick: Ugh, man.
Maddox: But they don't smoke that much. I've never dated someone who smokes, like, a lot.
Dick: I dated a girl who smoked more than I drink.
Maddox: That's impossible.
Maddox: They would die. Within a week.
Dick: Alright. That's a no from you. I'm gonna go yes, because, uh…you know. Why not?
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay, Dick.
Dick: 'Cause I've done it…like, I feel as though all of the relationships I've ever had are basically sex with the ex, so. If that's what you're doing…(Maddox chuckles) then…you know what I mean?
Dick: Like, eventually, at some point, it's just like 'Eh, this is…we're running on fumes here.'
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. I feel like you've never been in a relationship longer than say, a week or two, and that sounds like a contradiction, because you've been…
Dick: Very long relationships, yeah.
Maddox: You've had girlfriends. Yeah, exactly. Because you keep breaking up. You're the cyclical person! This personality type!
Dick: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That's why I thought it was interesting.
Maddox: Oh, my god. Have you ever gotten a pet with an ex-girlfriend?
Maddox: Oh, you have moved in with one! Haven't you?
Dick: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Maddox: Really? (incredulous)
Dick: No. No, never.
Maddox: You've never…
Dick: (interjects) And the idea…the idea of that, is like, I can't even get my mind over that hurdle.
Dick: I know you have. I'm like, "Oh, my god." The idea of someone there all the time.
Dick: Is…overwhelming to me. To even imagine.
Maddox: Well, they're not necessarily there all the time if you have some, like, clingy codependent relationship where they have to be there all the time, but if you're allowed to do your own thing and they're doing their thing, I don't see what the problem is.
Dick: They have thins?
Maddox: Yeah, dude.
Dick: Yeah. No.
Maddox: You date a girl who's not broken, and she has, like, interests that aren't you, and she'll go out and do those things.
Dick: Alright, Sean, you're the tie breaker for Butt. Unless you wanna hear some of these negatives before you vote.
Sean: The negatives?
Dick: Yeah, he's got five negatives, too.
Sean: Oh, he does?
Sean: I still…I say no.
Dick: You say no already?
Sean: Anyway. I don't need to hear the negatives. It's only gonna strengthen my answer.
Dick: Maybe some of these negatives will change your answer.
Sean: (scoffs) Ohhh, okay. (laughs)
Dick: "She's really dumb in a way that annoys me." (Maddox laughs) "My main group of friends really don't like her, aside from my best friend's girlfriend, who loves her." I don't know. "She's a borderline shut-in and I don't think she's employed at the moment." Man, that sounds like the girls I date.
Dick: Yeah. "She gives the worst blowjobs, like holy shit. Then again, it's been four years. But still, back when she was 22, it was fucking awful."
Maddox: Ummmmmmm, okay. Shitty blowjobs. No job.
Dick: No job.
Maddox: This girl's bad at all kinds of jobs, it sounds like.
Maddox: Can't keep one. Can't give on. (chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah. It's a solid no from Sean and I, Dick. So, no, Butt Sanchez. Find another girl. Find another girl. Why are you with this girl? What, are you so desperate? Like, you need that blowjob?
Dick: Oh, come on with the attacks. Desperate, please. Alright, what's your problem?
Maddox: Okay, Dick. My first problem this week…and I think this is the biggest problem in the universe…love.
(Sound clip: "'All you need is Love' by the Beatles plays")
Maddox: Yeah. Love. Biggest problem in the universe, Dick.
Dick: That's retarded. (scoffs) Alright.
Maddox: Yeah, what's retarded about it?
Dick: Love, like love? Your whole career is built in self-love. Let's start there. (grinning) (Sean giggles)
Maddox: Well, okay, but that's not love in the sense that everyone talks about. When you say "Are you in love?"
Maddox: You're not gonna say, "Yeah, I met a great guy. It's me."
Dick: (cracks up) I don't put that past you.
Maddox: I might. I might, actually. (laughing)
Dick: Didn't you marry yourself on Facebook?
Maddox: I did. (laughs)
Dick: Busted! (guffaws)
Maddox: I do love myself…often. And I also dedicated both of my books…
Dick: How many times today?
Maddox: Umm…(Sean laughs) Two or three. Well, it depends. If I'm in a…
Dick: (interjects) Two or three!?!? Whoa!!
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know. Maybe, you know. Whatever. That's…that's normal. Um…(giggles) I did dedicate both of my books to me. And that is love. I did dedicate it to my soulmate, the person I love most in the world, but that's different, Dick.
Dick: Alright. (grinning)
Maddox: That's not what people are talking about when they're talking about love.
Maddox: First of all, love is stupid. (Dick laughs) Alright? That's my argument.
Dick: Yeah, it is stupid.
Maddox: What is it?
Dick: Are you asking?
Maddox: Yeah, I'm asking you. What is it?
Dick: A chemical reaction in your brain that's, like, more addictive than any drugs.
Maddox: Yeah. Love is all you need.
Dick: Pretty concise answer.
Maddox: Yeah, pretty concise. That's essentially it.
Maddox: You know, that stupid Beatles song.
(Sound clip plays again, 'All you need is Love' by the Beatles playing)
Maddox: Can't…yeah. That's the way it was recorded, this piece of shit song. Anyway, piece of shit song, piece of shit concept. Love, love, love. That song, "All you need is Love"?
Maddox: Here are some things that love can't solve. Cancer. Cardiovascular disease. Choking. Alcohol or substance abuse. General anxiety disorder. Narcolepsy. Sex addiction. (Sean giggles) Schizophrenia. Crib death. Man hands. And flatulence. (laughs)
Dick: (laughing) And flatulence. Alright, you wanna go down through those one by one, 'cause you're actually wrong.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh really?!
Dick: You're dead wrong on all of 'em, yeah.
Maddox: (laughs) Bullshit, Dick!! How can love solve any of those.
Dick: Um, love is a very important part of being human. (Maddox laughs) It, like, makes us healthy. Do you know this?
Dick: In addition to keeping society together and keeping us from, you know, murdering each other just on a whim, which is what we would BASICALLY do without love, it also has, like, huge health benefits.
Maddox: Yeah? Like what?
Dick: Okay. How about "married couples have lower cancer rates" than singles.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean…it sounds…
Dick: (interjects) University of Iowa discovered that.
Maddox: How much lower?
Dick: Ovarian cancer patients with satisfying relationships had stronger white blood cells, which kills cancer cells, than those who didn't have healthy relationships. That means love beats cancer, Maddox.
Maddox: (laughing) Fuck you, Dick! That's bullshit!
Dick: Love…the power of love kills cancer. (grins)
Maddox: You know, it's also possible that married couples have insurance, better benefits, and they're able to see doctors more.
Dick: That makes their white blood cell count go up?! (incredulous)
Maddox: It's not necessarily that their white blood cell count has gone up, it's that they're being tested more often and they live healthier lives because they have higher incomes. They are probably more affluent. Yeah.
Dick: This study flat-out…oh, are you saying that statistics can be manipulated? (grins) Is that what you're saying?
Maddox: Well, I don't…I don't…(laughs) This sounds like one of those studies where the controls are outrageous. How can they control for that?
Dick: University of Iowa. I don't know. What was the second one?
Maddox: What…what…okay. The second one is cardiovascular disease.
Dick: Cardio…wait, I think I got some stats on that, too. (Maddox giggles)
(Sound clip: Dick: "I got a stats for you.")
Dick: Yeah, I got a stats here. I don't have the heart stats. Fewer doctor visits. "The Health and Human Services Department reviewed a bounty of studies on health and marriage. One of the report's more striking findings is that married people have fewer doctor visits and shorter average hospital stays." How about that? 'Cause you're healthier.
Dick: Uh, men. Married men are half as likely to suffer from a heart attack. Did you know that?
Maddox: (stammers) That's bullshit!!
Dick: That's what this thing says!
Maddox: That's bull…I feel like I'm about to suffer from a heart attack right now!
Dick: (laughs) You should go get married. (Maddox laughs) And both married men and women have drastically lower rates of serious diseases such as diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer's, and lung disease.
Maddox: Wowwwwwww, Dick. Sounds like you really got my number, don't you.
Dick: Go ahead? What's next? (grins)
Maddox: Doesn't it. Sounds like it.
Dick: All I'm saying is love's very powerful.
Dick: It's a very…it's a powerful chemical that you can't just gin up on your own. Trust me, I've tried.
Maddox: My…sure, sure Dick. I know. Oh, I know you've tried. My question to you, Dick, is, what does love have to do with marriage?
Maddox: Most of my married friends are so unhappy. (laughs) Most miserable.
Dick: Uhhhh, that's different, though. Unhappiness, I would say, is slightly different than love itself. Like, I think you can be both. I think people can be in love and then, like, have that closeness and need that marriage more than anything, and then when they get on their own, they're like "Oh God, this was the alternative? That's way worse."
Maddox: Choking. How does love solve choking, Dick?
Dick: Um, well, if you're by yourself…
Dick: And no one loves you to give you a Heimlich maneuver, then, yeah. (Maddox chuckles) I would say being in love would certainly help with that.
Maddox: Ehhhhhh. Darwinism. That's Darwinism at play. Love stands in direct contradiction to Darwinism and evolution. You're supposed to die. If you're unloved, why would you want someone there to save you? Right? Do we need more unloved people in this world?
Dick: Yeah, that's the point. Love's propelling evolution. Like, people are falling in love with good genetic traits.
Maddox: It's keeping dumb people around. If you're…if you can't cut a piece of steak small enough for you to chew and you choke on it, that's evolution doin' its work, buddy.
Dick: Oh, alright.
Maddox: Yeah. Love is makin' us dumber.
Maddox: Okay, alcohol or substance abuse. How does love solve that?
Dick: Well, I actually found recently, I was reading about, when we did the Hangover episode.
Dick: That substance abuse is caused by loneliness. And not, like…overwhelmingly more by loneliness than, like, chemical addiction, or depression, or anything like that. Like, it all stems from loneliness, so.
Maddox: Are you lonely, Dick?
Dick: Um, not right now. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause I'm thinkin' about all this math.
Maddox: You're not drinking right now, yeah, that's true. (Dick chuckles) Okay, what about General Anxiety Disorder?
Dick: I got one for that, too.
Maddox: Oh, fuck you!
Dick: Wow. You didn't really do your research on this one. (Maddox giggles) That's why I'm building a dynasty of wins over here. Alright?
Maddox: You know what, you motherfucker. Did you look at my notes beforehand?! Is that what you did?!
Dick: No, no, no! I just…I looked at, like, some article on, like, women's health or something like that.
Maddox: There's no possible way it went down all these diseases I brought in.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause these are big problems.
Maddox: Yeah, and love is a…
Dick: (interjects) Love's actually….
Maddox: (interjects) Love isn't fucking solving! (angry) Love isn't all we need, people! We need antibiotics! How about that?
Dick: Which one was…which one was the one you said? Blood pressure?
Maddox: General Anxiety Disorder.
Dick: Oh, no, I had that one, but I didn't print it out, 'cause it was stupid.
Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah, it is stupid. This is all stupid. Sounds like bullshit. Narcolepsy? How does love solve that?
Dick: Here we go. "A small study publishing in Psychological Science, as the researchers subjected married women to the threat of an electric shock. When the woman was holding her husband's hand, they showed less of a response in brain areas associated with stress. The happier the marriage, the greater the effect." So, if a woman is sitting there holding the hand of her beloved husband. I don't know if it works for gay people. The study said married women holding her husband's hand. Then she feels less stressed about the threat of having an electric shock.
Maddox: You know what? Fuck you, Dick. (Dick guffaws) I'm fucking tired of this! You're shitting all over my great problem!
Dick: You're shitting all over love, man?! (incredulous) (Maddox laughs) Get the fuck outta here!!
Maddox: Have you ever been in love?
Dick: (interjects) We wouldn't have the most…
Maddox: (interjects) Do you even fucking know what love is!? I know what true love is and I look at it every day in the mirror. (guffaws)
Dick: No, I've never experienced that kind of love.
Maddox: Oh man, it's such a burning flame for me, I have. Oh, I love me.
Dick: Man, where would we be without love? We wouldn't have all of our beautiful works of art. We wouldn't have…have your lovely books dedicated to yourself.
Maddox: You know…you know where we'd be without love? We wouldn't have a billion fucking stupid love songs to listen to on the radio. Every fucking song is a love song or a breakup song. And you know what? Breakups would be a hell of a lot easier without love. It'd be fucking easy…oh, I don't want…hey, you broke up? No big deal. I didn't love her anyway. (Dick chuckles) Right? Pretty fucking awesome. How cool would that be?! (Dick cracks up)
Dick: Yeah, okay.
Maddox: Coolest shit ever.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: And then you…and then you turn on the radio and then you'd have silence. You'd just have some solace to yourself.
Dick: Like static?
Dick: You can do that if you just put it in between channels right now.
Maddox: It's hard.
Dick: You can live this fantasy we're talking about.
Maddox: There are more stations playing love songs than static, and that's the problem.
Dick: So what?! (laughing)
Maddox: Cause I just want some peace and silence! Some quiet when I'm driving!!
Maddox: I wanna turn on the radio and not listen to a billion fucking stupid love songs. And they're all the same. Did you ever listen to the lyrics? "Oh, I loved this person. She didn't love me back." "Oh, I loved this person and we got in a fight and then she let me go." They're all the same fuckin' song. We've heard every fucking love song. (angry, ranting) Does the world need any more love songs?!
Dick: Yeah. Or what else is there to sing about?
(Sound clip: "'All you need is Love' by the Beatles plays")
Maddox: How about hate? Make a song about hate every now and then, guys! There's, like, no songs about hate.
Dick: What about metal? Like, death metal? That's an entire genre.
Maddox: Metal…metal has hatred in its heart.
Maddox: But it's rarely about hate.
Maddox: Yeah. Except for, like, the occasional Slayer song. But that's it, man! We need more songs about hate! Or how about just like? How about a song about like? I kinda like somebody. How about that? (giggles) Why don't they make a like, like, like song. Like is all we need.
Dick: Sean, you're the music expert. Is there a song about just liking somebody? I know George Strait has a song "Do you Like Me, Yes or No". That's about like.
Sean: I can't think of one off the top of my head.
Sean: But I'm sure there is one.
Maddox: That's a problem. Crib death. How does love solve that, Dick?
Dick: Uh, I don't know.
Maddox: Schizophrenia? Man hands. Love can't solve man hands!! (yelling)
Dick: Yeah. I don't know, man. Look, it solves cancer. That's pretty good.
Maddox: Flatulence. It doesn't fucking solve cancer, Dick. There's way too many things to control for! It's like one of those studies "Are Eggs Good Or Bad For You?" Lewis Black has that classic bit where he asks the audience "Are eggs good or bad for you?" and then there's just silence in the audience, 'cause no one fucking knows how to answer that. 'Cause every other week, there's a new study that comes out. "Eggs are good for you." "Eggs are bad for you." "Milk is good for you." "Milk is bad for you." What is it?!
Dick: Water. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, water. You need to drink 8 gallons. You need to drink one cup. (Dick guffaws) Like, no one fucking knows!
Dick: (guffaws) 8 gallons of water!!!
Maddox: I don't know, man. It's all over the fucking map.
Dick: Do you honestly think that…you're always bringing in, like, stress as a problem. Like, the reason things are bad is because it stresses people out. Do you think it's...you don't think that love relieves stress at all? In, like, a huge amount of people? Like, the whole Earth is covered in people? You don't think that love is a benefit to these people?
Dick: Like, it makes you wanna get out of bed. Even the hope of tasting it again before you DIE makes you actually go to work and do your fucking job and live in this horrible civilization of awful monsters around you all the time!?! (ranting) (Maddox laughs) You don't think that that's a POSITIVE effect in the world?!
Maddox: Yeah, maybe…
Sean: (interjects) And come and do a podcast every week? (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: This isn't love, guys. This is…I come in to do this podcast out of pure hate.
Sean: I'm talking about Dick.
Maddox: Oh, Dick, yeah. Okay. Well, listen Dick. Um, I actually have a study. I brought in some research from Psychology Today. They talk about love being, you know, the chemical released is oxytocin.
Maddox: That's one of the chemicals that are released when you're in love, right?
Dick: I think it's "tosin".
Maddox: Oxytocin, okay.
Dick: I think. I don't know which one.
Maddox: Oxytocin. Whatever. It's the neurochemical that causes trust.
Maddox: Well, think about that. If you're in love and this neurochemical that causes trust is being released…well, that makes you gullible, doesn't it? It makes you more suggestible. Makes you more agreeable. (Dick scoffs) Makes you a sap.
Dick: A mark.
Maddox: A mark. That's what I meant to say. Yeah, it makes you a mark. It's released during orgasm and in small amounts when you hold hands. I think…
Dick: Small for some, maybe. (grins) (Maddox cracks up) I spray that shit all over my brain!
Maddox: Dick, they're not talking about…(Sean and Maddox laugh) Jesus, Dick. "In animals, it's released when mothers lick their babies." That's stupid. When mothers lick their babies? So this feeling of love that you're experiencing? Animals experience it when they get licked. (disgusted)
Maddox: Ugh, gross. "Oxytocin is the good feeling of a common cause, whether a political rally, a football huddle, or thieves with a plan." Thieves with a plan experience the same exact feeling that people in a football huddle or people who just had an orgasm experience. And by the way, people are so much more trusting after this release of oxytocin, after they've had an orgasm?
Maddox: I think that business deals should be made right after an orgasm. Like, as soon as you guys both blow, you should sign the contract.
Dick: Well, that would fix your Meetings problem if they were just orgies. I guess. Is that what you're proposing?
Dick: Everybody in a meeting, just, alright, let's strip down, let's bang this out, and then we'll all sign…we'll deal with it after the fact.
Maddox: Makes people more trusting. "But trust can also get complicated inside the human brain. You trust a person to live up to your expectations, but you may not realize how complex your expectations are. Eventually, your loved one fails to meet them or you fail to meet theirs and in your mammalian brain, any loss of trust can be interpreted as a life-threatening emergency." You don't think that causes stress, Dick? Having a life-threatening emergency? "Because when sheep are separated from a flock, its oxytocin dips and its cortisol surges, and cortisol generates a feeling we experience as fear, panic, or anxiety." That seems to contradict your bullshit-ass study, Dick!! (yelling) What do you say about that?!
Dick: You're shitting on oxytocin now?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (smug)
Dick: Did you know that oxytocin is used to induce abortions?
Maddox: Is that…is that true?
Dick: That's true. So. I know you're a big fan…that was one of your solutions in our last episode, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Well…(sighs) that's true. But, Dick, it's…love. Love is the problem. Love is the problem. It's not all we need. We need way more things than love, guys. We need bullets, we need guns, we need bombs, we need antibiotics, we need science, we need rocket ships, we need fucking deep sea exploration….(ranting) not to find that Titanic, dickhead. Shut up. (Dick cracking up) I know you're thinking it!
Dick: No, I'm just trying to…I'm wondering what kind of…what the world would be without love. It would just be a bunch of, like, computers walking around, randomly jamming their inputs and outputs into each other.
Maddox: Um, Dick. Maybe.
Dick: Like, it's what touching…touching each other generates the positive chemical of love…right? More touching generates it more? The reason we can band together and work together as people? You don't think that's good?
Maddox: Dick, maybe. I don't know. But there's no evidence. I don't think that love is the reason people cooperate. I think that mutual self-interest is…some symbiotic relationship. Like ants and aphids. They don't love each other. They just need each other.
Dick: Yeah, but they're not humans. It's a human thing…like, a mammal thing.
Maddox: No, reptiles…reptiles experience release of oxytocin.
Dick: Oh, really? (incredulous)
Maddox: And, in fact…yeah. And in fact, they don't like to be near each other, specifically because when this oxytocin is released, they are more trusting of each other, which puts their life in peril. That's why reptiles are really untrusting. Snakes are shitty animals. Go vote up snakes, people.
Dick: So you think we should act more like reptiles? (Maddox giggles) Is that what you're saying? Like snake men?
Maddox: Essentially. (laughing) I think that's a solution! I'm gonna bring it in for the bonus episode! Acting more like reptiles.
Dick: That's a Conspiracy Dipshit thing. (Maddox laughs) Aren't there people who think there's, like, lizard men living among us?
Maddox: Yeah, but I don't think that. I'm not an idiot. Um, okay Dick. I brought in…speaking of. I brought in a test. I brought in a love test.
Maddox: To see how compatible we are. It's from this website called http://www.allthetests.com.
Maddox: It says…the name of the test is "Are You Two Really The Perfect Match?" (Dick guffaws) Maybe we're in love, Dick. Let's see…
Dick: (interjects) Alright.
Maddox: Let's take this test.
Dick: According to Dr. Smooth Rod, we are.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, and I'm going to adjust it a little bit so it sounds…so it makes sense for us.
(Ritzy game show theme starts)
Dick: Okay. Is this…do I have to answer this right or I get kicked off the podcast? (grins)
Maddox: Maybe, Dick. If we're not compatible.
Maddox: I want to have a co-host on this podcast…(Dick laughs) that I can trust, huh? One that I can love, potentially.
Dick: Alright. Alright.
Maddox: Let's see if we're compatible.
Maddox: First question. How often do you guys see each other?
Dick: Uhhhhhh…like, once a week.
Maddox: Once a week? Okay.
Dick: Once a week.
Maddox: Yeah, that's one of the options here.
Dick: Once or twice a week.
Maddox: Once a week, there we go. Question number 2. How often do you guys talk to each other?
Dick: By texting? Or actually talking?
Maddox: I'm gonna say texting.
Dick: Texting every day.
Maddox: Texting counts.
Dick: That's every day.
Maddox: Sean, do you think texting counts? I would say so, right? Because when I text a girl, I think that's communication.
Sean: Yeah, today, so many people text, I think it counts.
Maddox: Okay. So, every day. Great. How long have you guys been dating? (giggles)
Dick: (sighs) Seven years? When did we meet? We met…when did we meet? Right after my book came out. 2008. Or right before.
Maddox: Yeah, it had to have been about 2008.
Dick: So, six years?
Maddox: So…six…yeah, we've been dating for six…it's not called dating!
Dick: I remember our first…I remember when we met. I remember our first date.
Maddox: It was at an Irish bar.
Maddox: I remember too.
Dick: Well, that was where we met.
Dick: And then we went out to UCB?
Dick: And I…I emailed you and I got your name wrong in the email. (Maddox giggles) Remember that?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Okay, this is…
Dick: Good times.
Maddox: This is weird. Alright.
Dick: We both brought our girlfriends. They had no idea what was happening. They had no idea what they were witnessing.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. With that whole budding friendship happened behind their backs, didn't it.
Dick: Yeah. (giggles)
Maddox: Alright, so, the highest option here is 3+ years. I'm gonna check that.
Maddox: Then, "Were you guys friends before dating?"
Dick: Not really.
Maddox: Uh, no.
Dick: We immediately got into it.
Maddox: Not even for, like, a week? 'Cause that's one of the options.
Dick: Ah, like a week.
Maddox: And, how old are you?
Dick: Um…this is an online quiz?
Maddox: Lemme read this quizzes options.
Dick: Then I'm 16, then. (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Maddox: Well, it's funny that you mention that, because the options here are 10 and younger, 16...
Dick: (interjects) (laughing) Alright..
Maddox: 16+, 11 to 12 years old, and 12 to 15 years old. That's the age range.
Maddox: I don't think were the right demo for this quiz, Dick. (laughing)
Maddox: And then, one more question. I'll read here. "Have you guys ever talked about your future together?" (giggling)
Dick: Yeah. All the time.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: All the time.
Maddox: What are the options?
Dick: It's a recurring…is there…it is a recurring point of rancor and contention in our relationship? Is that one of the options on this quiz for 13-year-olds? (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, man. There's, like, a timer on this. Dude. There's a remaining time limit of how long I have to take this stupid bullshit quiz.
Maddox: Anyway. Let's see what the results are. 50%!! We're 50% compatible, Dick!
Dick: What?! (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah! It's a coin toss on whether or not we should…make a baby. (laughs)
Dick: Well…(sighs) sorry, Dr. Smooth Rod.
Dick: We're only 50% compatible. I don't know what that means.
Maddox: Whatever. Piece of shit quiz.
Dick: Uh, before we get to the next problem, I wanna remind you that today's show is brought to you by Casper. Get 50$ towards any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST. We had a gigantic box at the studio today. Like the size of a college boy fridge. Right?
Maddox: I was actually surprised it wasn't bigger, because there was a king mattress inside.
Dick: Yeah. And it was really cool. So, this company Casper sells mattresses online, "Completely risk-free, Casper offers free delivery and returns within a 100-day period." So they shipped us one. It arrived in a box that seemed impossibly small.
Dick: For a king-size mattress.
Maddox: I looked at the dimensions of this box and it looked like one of those mini refrigerators.
Maddox: Like, a tiny mini refrigerator, and it weighed about 80 pounds, I think? And I couldn't believe that they fit a king mattress in there, and I opened it up, and sure enough, right now, I have a king mattress. (Dick laughs) It's amazing.
Dick: It was actually pretty cool to watch it inflate itself.
Maddox: Oh, yeah, it's the most satisfying…
Dick: Or, like, not inflate, but…it, like, expanded.
Maddox: Yeah, and the instructions read that there's a "Listen to the sigh of relief as the mattress inflates." I'm like, that's exactly what I would describe that sound. And it is so cool. I…I know I sound like a shill right now. (Dick cracks up) And these are one of our sponsors and I'm supposed to say…
Dick: It was cool. (grinning)
Maddox: I'm supposed to say nice things about it, but, like, for real, I'm seriously impressed by this whole delivery operation.
Dick: Okay, well I don't mind sounding like a shill. (Maddox laughs) "Mattresses can often cost well over 1500 bucks, but Casper mattresses cost between 500 for twin-size mattress, 600 for a twin XL, 750 for a full-size, 850 for a queen, and 950 for a king." That's a hell of a deal. "Casper understands that buying a mattress online can have consumers wondering how this is possible. It's an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price."
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know what kind of magic they did with this. Maybe they got some Ghostbusters on the case, but…(Dick chuckles) this mattress is really incredible. Everybody bounced on the mattress and hopped on, and it's…it feels like…not one of those, like, memory foam ones, which I always thought were a little bit weird…
Dick: Those are ins…do you know how much those cost?
Maddox: How much?
Dick: Dude, I bought a mattress a couple of months ago. 'Cause I've been using hand-me-down mattresses for my entire life.
Dick: Like, and I didn't want to be gross anymore.
Dick: It was…it was my brother-in-law's old mattresses I'd been using.
Maddox: Ew, gross, dude.
Dick: So I've basically been sleeping on beds that my sister has been banged on.
Maddox: Oh my gosh, Diiiiiiiick!! (Dick cracks up) Gross, dude!!
Dick: So I upgraded to this new bed, and those memory foam ones, the top of the line, was 10 grand!
Maddox: 10 grand!?! Are you kidding me?!
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: This bed feels way better than that, and it's, what, 900 bucks for a king?
Dick: I mean, I don't know. Yeah. It's 900 bucks…
Maddox: Yeah, that's what it said, yeah.
Dick: 950 for a king mattress.
Maddox: 950 for a king. That's a steal. I've gone to mattress stores. They're always trying to upsell you to some foam, 'cause that's the latest technology. It's the best stuff, right?
Maddox: Yeah, whatever the foam thing is. This isn't foam. It's, like, some…I don't know what material they used, but this compression technology…(Dick giggles) it's like Winzip for mattresses.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: There's a geeky reference.
Dick: "Casper is revolutionizing the mattress industry by cutting the costs of dealing with resellers and showrooms and passing the savings directly to the consumer. Risk free for 100 days." You can send it back.
Maddox: Yep. Um, I gotta tell you, Dick. The whole operation took, what, like 10 minutes to get the mattress up and going?
Dick: Yeah. It was cool to see.
Maddox: Yeah, it was really cool.
Dick: Yep. Go to http://www.casper.com/biggest, promo code BIGGEST to get 50 bucks off your mattress purchase. There you go. Alright, are we ready for my problem?
Dick: And this is…this is the problem that's gonna win and cement my dynasty. (Maddox scoffs) 'Cause this is a great problem.
Dick: Okay? This is gonna make me into the…this is gonna make me into the Cowboys circa…96, was it? When they kicked the Buffalo Bills' asses all those times?
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. Sports. (annoyed)
Dick: And you're gonna be…you're not even gonna be the Buffalo Bills. You're gonna be, like, Buffalo Bill the serial killer with your penis tucked between your legs. (Maddox cracks up) Here we go! My problem is Rose Peddlers. Right?
Maddox: Rose peddlers.
Dick: Yeah. These people. These people. That shake you down while you're trying to have a nice dinner with a beautiful woman or maybe a not-so-beautiful woman that you're sure you're gonna get laid with. (Maddox chuckles) Either way…
Maddox: Butt Sanchez.
Dick: They hit you up in the restaurant while you're just trying to eat and spit your game in your nice button-up shirt that doesn't fit quite right, 'cause they never do, and they "Sir, how about a flower for the lady?"
Dick: Except in LA, it's all Spanish people, Mexican people, so it sounds like "For the lady?" "For the lady?" How much is the rose? I'm sitting there trying to enjoy a nice dinner.
Dick: And I'm getting shook down for cash. Shook down for cash at BEST. Because you know what the outcome of that is? You either look like a pussy. You look like a sucker for buying this rose.
Dick: You look like a sucker, 'cause you got bullied into buying a rose for this woman.
Dick: She loses respect for you. OR, even though she does not want you to buy the rose, she still feels like shit and still thinks you're a cheap ass 'cause you didn't buy one for her!
Dick: It's…there is no positive outcome to this game!! (yelling) It's just people walking around, little old ladies walking around with two dozen shitty roses, cockblocking everyone all the time!!
Maddox: I dunno, Dick. Sounds like your problem is the solution to mine. 'Cause it sounds like if your date goes bad, you're not gonna fall in love, buddy. That sounds awesome to me! You guys should vote up Love. Oh man, you know what? You should vote up Love and Rose Peddlers, actually. I just realized it's supporting my problem.
Dick: You know these people?
Dick: The rose peddlers that I'm talking about?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: You like them? You like getting hassled while you're eating? Some guy walking around…what else are they gonna…how about some shoes?! Hey, here's some nice high heels for the lady. How about that? (Maddox laughs) I got a whole…this little old lady opens up her trenchcoat, right?
Dick: And she's got…(stammers) a bunch of puppies there. (Maddox laughs) Hey sir, how would you like to buy a puppy for the lady? No! I'm fucked now. Date's over!!! (yells)
Dick: I'm just gonna go home!
Dick: Here's 20 bucks for the margaritas. Pay for them both. I'm just gonna go home now. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause this date's over. This date's over! Because you're not getting a puppy!
Maddox: Oh, you sound so stressed, Dick. (laughing)
Dick: I hate it SO much!! (yells)
Maddox: Yeah. That shit is annoying. It's akin to, and I'm only gonna mention it because it'll be a problem in a future episode, but those bathroom attendants.
Dick: Yeah, but that doesn't fuck you with a woman! That's just…you just kinda feel bad not tipping the guy.
Maddox: You know, and it's kind of…it's kind of heterosexist, too, isn't it? Because those guys never…if you were sitting down with your bro getting a meal, they're never gonna come to your table and offer you a rose.
Maddox: They're just gonna assume that you're straight.
Maddox: Maybe we're dating.
Dick: Wait a minute. Do…this is a serious question.
Dick: Do gay guys give each other flowers?
Maddox: I imagine. I mean…well, I don't know.
Dick: I don't know. A woman's never bought me flowers.
Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause they know not to.
Dick: Well, but then what's the difference?
Maddox: Yeah. Hmmmmmm.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: We need to get our gay contingent to pipe in on this one.
Dick: We gotta bring a gay guy in here!
Dick: Figure it out.
Maddox: Well, I mean, you can't generalize. All gay guys or no gay guys. I mean, I imagine some gay guys like flowers. Although, I've been…all my gay friends, they're…
Dick: (interjects) That's a good point. That's true.
Maddox: Yeah. All my gay friends whose apartments I've been to, they don't have flowers. They don't have flowers. Their apartment just looks like a dude lives there.
Dick: Huh. Do you think they bitch about it, too, if they don't get flowers enough?
Maddox: Oh, I don't know. I mean, it's either really well put together, or it just looks, like, sloppy. It's one of the two.
Maddox: But I've never seen flowers at a gay guy's house.
Dick: Anyway. I blame the restaurants for this pervasive shakedown. These rose peddlers going around ruining dinners.
Maddox: It's the restaurant's fault.
Dick: It's also the people's fault. So, I read online. I was doing…I was trying to find some stats for this problem.
Dick: I couldn't find any. But people were like, "Oh, it's just…they're just impoverished people trying to make a buck."
Maddox: That's true, yeah.
Dick: Just relax, okay? It's just impoverished people trying to make a buck. A buck!? I would pay a buck for a rose!!! They're charging 10, 15 dollars for a piece of shit they bought downtown, like, 12 hours ago!!!
Dick: That looks…now it looks like it's a bunch of bologna wrapped around a stem. (Maddox and Sean crack up) It's all floppy and limp! They want…a dollar I would pay! Here, a dollar. Get the fuck away from me and take the fucking flower away from me, too. (angry)
Maddox: Yeah. And then what are you gonna do with the flowers, just sitting on the table. And then when they come to bring the food, it's in the way. You gotta move the fucking…and it's thorny. You get cut and you're bleeding everywhere, you get AIDs. (Sean laughs)
Dick: Yeah. You get AIDS! They cause AIDS. It's a big problem! This…
Maddox: (interjects) Vote up monkeys!! (laughing)
Dick: This girl's gotta carry this trophy around of your incompetence for the rest of the night! It's a constant reminder of how easy you are to whip into buying something you don't wanna buy. It's pathetic!
Maddox: Dick, I've got a bad…I've got something bad about this that even you didn't think of. Um, this has actually happened to me. I was on a date and the guy came by our table and the girl…it wasn't…it wasn't even actually a date. It was just, like…I was at a table with a friend, whatever, right? But it could have been a date.
Maddox: With a girl. It was me…it looked like a date externally, right?
Maddox: The guy came over, wanted to sell a rose. He thought we were on a date. We weren't. But he went to all the other tables, made his rounds, didn't sell shit, because he's annoying, so everyone feels shitty in the restaurant. Then he came back to our table and gave the girl a rose for free.
Maddox: Uh-huh! He's fucking moving in on my chick potentially, like, this wasn't a date, but it could have been! He's coming in, he's horning in on my territory, making me look like a chump! Don't give my girl gifts, dickhead!!
Dick: No, you…this. This is an interesting way to play it. What you're saying. I think you could revolutionize the rose peddling game.
Maddox: Oh yeah? (grins)
Dick: If these guys…see if these guys, what they did, if they came into the restaurant and just gave the woman a flower, I would give the guy money. You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Ohhhh, yeah.
Dick: Like the mariachis who go around just playing, and they play for free, but then you tip 'em and you look like the good guy.
Dick: With the rose, it's the opposite. You look like the bad guy either way.
Dick: These…that's…Maddox! You've stumbled on an incredible solution for this problem.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno, Dick, cause I don't wanna feel obligated. I don't wanna…'cause when the mariachis come to your table and you just gotta sit there, "Okay, great. Now I gotta fucking tip these guys, otherwise I look like a cheapskate?" They're pimping you, and what if you don't have any cash on you?
Dick: Yeah, but you don't look like a cheapskate if you don't tip the mariachi people after one song. Like they come, they test it out, one song…
Dick: And then if you tip them, they stay and play another one, or you just say, "Here's 5 bucks. Get away from me."
Maddox: But the difference is, with the rose transaction, the rose is the end of the transaction. So they have done everything that they're going to do. They're giving you the rose.
Maddox: If you don't pay for it, then you just look like a cheapskate.
Dick: I…I don't think you would, necessarily. If they gave the rose to every chick in there.
Dick: I don't think you would necessarily look cheap if you didn't give the guy money. They might even make more money, I don't know.
Maddox: If every other table just stated tipping them and you didn't, you would look like a cheapskate.
Dick: Well, I don't know. Your results might vary.
Dick: You gotta test it out.
Dick: But that would be better! That would be better than what happens now, where it's just a shakedown!!!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, uh, Dick. I guess it's a problem. Maybe go to restaurants that don't allow those rose peddlers in? Maybe, like, a Ruth's Chris or something? Take your dates to nice places every now and then, Dick.
Dick: This is the…this is the guy (Maddox laughs) telling me to take my dates to a nice place? (grins) Mr. Twelve Dollar Steak?
Maddox: Hey, you can get a good 12$ steak. I didn't say 12$. 35$. That's a good steak.
Maddox: Alright, man. Okay. Good problem, I guess.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Your turn.
Maddox: Not the biggest. Not as big as my next problem, "Valentine's Day"!!!
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: Huh?!?! There's a real problem!
Dick: (sighs, exhales) Yeah.
Maddox: The…(cracks up)
Dick: Shameless. (grins) (Maddox still laughing)
Maddox: Dick, I've hated Valentine's Day forever. You know I have. I used to…I used to have this thing called the "Annual Valentine's Day Cupid Slaughter". And I would just draw this really violent picture in Paint. In MS Paint, of just cupids getting slaughtered with hearts going through their eyes and arrows in their butts, and all sorts of, like, funny things.
Dick: What do you mean? When was this? When did you do this?
Maddox: Uh, I used to do it way back when my site first started and then I kinda fell off one year because I started drawing it and I ran out of time.
Sean: Wasn't this about the time of the Mario porn?
Maddox: This was shortly after the Mario porn.
Sean: In Paint?
Maddox: 'Cause you can see the progression of my skills in Paint.
Maddox: Increase. Every year, it looks a little bit better. The annual…you know what? Maybe I'll do it this year, too, 'cause I haven't done one in a long time. The Annual Valentine's Day Cupid Slaughter. I'm going to ask for submissions, too, by the way. If you're an illustrator, send in your cupid slaughter pictures. Maybe I'll post 'em all on my website. But Valentine's Day, Dick. First of all, no one really knows the exact origins of Valentine's Day. Did you know that?
Maddox: This is according to NPR.
Dick: I don't know. I don't know what it is. Did a bunch of people get killed? I know a Valentine's Day Massacre, but I guess that was predicated on Valentine's Day already existing.
Maddox: Yeah, it's got…it's got a pretty dark history, actually. As far as they can trace it back to it. From NPR, they say "From February 13th to the 15th, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. I think that's how it's pronounced. Lupercalia. The men sacrificed a goat and then a dog. And then whipped the women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.
Maddox: That's…that's a thing they did. "The Roman romantics were drunk. They were naked, says Noel Lensky, a historian at the University of Colorado of Boulder. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them, Lensky says."
Dick: (laughing) Sounds like fun.
Dick: Kill an animal, take its hide off, "Get over here, baby!" WHAP!! (Maddox laughs) Ah, get outta here!
Maddox: "They believed this would make them fertile. The brutal feat included a matchmaking lottery in which young men drew the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be coupled for the duration of the festival, or longer if the match was right."
Dick: Oh. (surprised)
Dick: That's cool.
Maddox: You know, if Valentine's Day still included, like, beheading goats and dogs, and then just beating…
Dick: And hooking you up for free. (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, and hooking you up for free.
Maddox: That sounds awesome.
Dick: It does.
Maddox: Now, you're just on the rope for a bunch of bullshit you gotta buy. Listen to this, Dick. This is from Statistics Brain.
Dick: Is that a nickname you've given yourself?
Maddox: Good one, Dick. (Dick guffaws) These are some Valentine's Day statistics. "The average annual Valentine's Day spending is 13.2 billion dollars."
Dick: Huh. (surprised) For how many people?
Maddox: That's crazy. That's…
Maddox: I think…no. I don't think they celebrate it worldwide. This has gotta be America.
Dick: Oh. I don't…I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah. It's greater than the GDP of some nations. We're just spending on buying heart-shaped cards and bullshit candy.
Maddox: Yeah. "Number of Valentine's Day cards exchanged annually: 180 million. Number of roses produced for Valentine's Day: 196 million", Dick!! Sounds like your problem would be diminished without Valentine's Day!
Dick: That's a lot. No! My problem would be quadrupled without Valentine's Day!
Maddox: No, no, no.
Dick: These chicks would need it all year!
Maddox: Naawwww. 'Cause they wouldn't remember! They wouldn't remember. Valentine's Day is a yearly reminder that guys need to buy you roses. Now, here's something that really, really…okay. So, listen to this.
Dick: Can I just comment on that first? (grins)
Dick: Uh, women don't need reminders that they need things purchased for them. (Maddox giggles)
Dick: (stammers) Do you think that?
Maddox: Well, I think it hurts that there is this reminder.
Dick: That your man should be buying you things and being nice to you?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: For a day? No. (scoffs)
Maddox: You think that Valentine's Day doesn't exacerbate that problem?
Dick: No. I think if anything…
Maddox: (interjects) How?!
Dick: It gives them something to…it compartmentalizes it so it gives them something to look forward to. They're like, "Alright, alright. Valentine's Day. We're definitely going out for a nice dinner on Valentine's Day. I can expect it on Valentine's Day and our anniversary and my birthday, and then…
Maddox: (interjects) You know…
Dick: (interjects) I'm not gonna be a pain in the ass about it for the rest of the year.
Maddox: You know, Dick, it's so phony. It's such bullshit. I dated a girl once and…(giggles) one time. I dated this girl. And I told her right from the get-go, I'm like "Look, here are my rules. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day." (laughs) (Dick cracks up laughing loudly)
Dick: Here we go, alright!! "There's something you gotta know about me. Before we date."
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: Here are my rules. What are they?
Maddox: I told them all sorts of…I was, like, "No babies. Here are the rules."
Dick: "I'm gonna be eating a lot of chili in bed. That's rule number one." (Maddox cracks up) "Rule number two. My correspondence is very important to me. Rule number three. There will be soup every day."
Maddox: Soup and correspondence. (laughing)
Dick: Here is a list of my favorite soups!! (Maddox dies of laughter)
Maddox: Mom, where's my soup!!?!?! The last episode…so funny! I have no idea what the fuck that meant. Anyway, um. Yeah, so I told her. Here's my rules. I don't celebrate Valentine's Day.
Dick: Okay. (scoffs)
Maddox: That's it. Kay? No Valentine's Day. I'm not gonna celebrate it. Fuck Valentine's Day. Because it's contrived. It's arbitrary. It means nothing. It's an arbitrary day they picked on the calendar. What if you just had a fight that day? You're still supposed to fuckin' celebrate because you have to?!! (ranting) You have to go through this fuckin' ritual every year?!
Dick: I broke up with a girl on Valentine's Day.
Maddox: (gasps) Me too.
Dick: Oh, my God, yeah.
Dick: I remember. That one was bad.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. I had a breakup on Valentine's Day. My first girlfriend and I broke up on Valentine's Day.
Dick: Rough, man.
Maddox: It was awful.
Dick: We're a couple of coldhearted motherfuckers on this podcast. (laughing)
Maddox: You know what, dude? You know what? I still did the right thing…you know, "right thing", I did the right thing and I bought her a bunch of bullshit on Valentine's Day.
Dick: Oh, really?
Maddox: I'm like, "Here you go. Here's a fuckin bunch of candy and heart-shaped bullshit." And then we broke up! It was awful. It was awful! She's probably just sitting there crying and eating her shitty candy. (Dick guffaws) Thinking about the Maddox that was. That could have been.
Dick: Why'd you break up?
Maddox: We broke up…oh, man. For a number of…well, first of all…
Dick: (interjects) Just, like, because…
Maddox: (interjects) She was chroooonically depressed, yeah. There was a bunch of…
Dick: Oh, god. Alright.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, there's a bunch of reasons. You know. And her…her, like, psycho ex was stalking me. It's insane.
Dick: Oh, that sounds fun.
Maddox: (giggles) "Percentage of Valentine's Day cards bought by women: 85%. Percentage of flowers bought by men: 73%."
Maddox: Yeah. So, listen to this. This is a really depressing statistic. "The percent of women who send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day: 14%."
Dick: Ohhhhhohoh. (groans)
Maddox: So 14% of chicks are sitting there…(Dick cracks up) not wanting to look lonely and single.
Dick: You know what they should do? You know what they should do? They should have, like, a white elephant exchange for flowers, like, so these 14% of women can send each other the flowers…(Maddox laughs) at work, so it's still, like, a surprise, so it's still kinda nice, but…(grinning)
Maddox: Oh, man.
Dick: It's not…well, why do they do that?
Maddox: Then you get people cheaping out and buying you shitty flowers that you don't want. 'Cause they all go to the same websites. 1-800-FLOWERS or whatever.
Maddox: Man, isn't that the most depressing thing? Like, just think about…think about…really let that sink in for a minute. 14% of women out there are buying themselves flowers. They're going through this ritual. They're trudging through this horrible ritual just to not appear so desperate and lonely.
Dick: Well, I think you're projecting a lot of…they just enjoy flowers, also.
Maddox: Yeah. On Valentine's Day, they're buying themselves flowers?
Dick: Like I…you know, you could buy yourself a handjob, too.
Dick: It's like, oh…I wouldn't call that pathetic.
Maddox: Well, I wouldn't send that to work! (Dick laughs) I wouldn't make this big showy display of me getting a handjob!!! Hey everyone, look at me!
Dick: Do you know they're making a display? Maybe they're just buying themselves flowers for the house.
Maddox: Dick, it says they send themselves flowers on Valentine's Day. You don't send yourself flowers. If you want flowers, you go to the fucking grocery store and you buy some and you walk home and you put them on your fuckin' pot…your kitchen window sill. Whatever the fuck people do with flowers.
Dick: I guess that's true.
Maddox: "Percentage…" Now, this is damning. Listen to this one. "The percentage of women who would end their relationship if they didn't get something for Valentine's Day: 53%."
Dick: Hmm, (scoffs) I'd like to see that. I'd like to put that number to the test.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. You wanna end it baby?
Dick: Yeah, go ahead.
Maddox: Go ahead and end it. Go ahead. You wanna end it over this horseshit?
Maddox: See ya. Man. 53%! Can you believe that?!
Dick: I…did they take that survey, like, at book clubs? (Maddox cracks up) "Okay, ladies." "Oh, I would tell him to go straight to hell!" (silly voice) "Me too!!"
Maddox: "The gifts most often given on Valentine's Day, allowing for multiple gifts given. Candy: 47%. Flowers: 34%. Cards: 52%. Dining and eating out (saucy voice)…34%." (Dick and Maddox giggle)
Maddox: That's a gift I like to give. Eating out. Uh…(laughing)
Dick: Once a year. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No, I don't celebrate Valentine's Day! Never!!! (laughing) You know what…you know what, Dick?
Dick: That…isn't…you're just making a huge pain in the ass for yourself, though. You know what I mean?
Dick: By putting this dumb rule that you don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Just get something small.
Maddox: So, I was gonna say…lemme finish my story. I was gonna say earlier that the girl I dated one time, I said, "I don't celebrate Valentine's Day." And she got all butthurt, she was like, (goofy voice) "Oh, well, I really like Valentine's Day, uuuuuhn."
Maddox: And so, I said, "Here's what I'll do." On Valentine's Day, I took her to the beach. We went and had a picnic. It was really nice.
Maddox: Like, you know, beachside, whatever. Nice breeze. It was beautiful. Stuck in traffic all fucking day because every idiot had the same fucking idea! (Dick giggles) Go to the beach and have a picnic. Great.
Dick: Alright, rewind a little bit. (Maddox cracks up) You're talking about Valentine's Day. (laughing)
Maddox: Anyway, yeah.
Dick: The nice date. The nice romantic date.
Maddox: Nice date. Nice, romantic date. (giggles) Uh, then we left that night, took her to a nice concert, it was like a Latin-jazz…it was Poncho Sanchez!
Dick: So you planned the most thoughtful, romantic Valentine's Day ever.
Dick: For your girlfriend.
Dick: However, I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna hazard a guess, here.
Dick: That you refused to let her call it a Valentine's Day date.
Maddox: (giggles) Yep!
Dick: For no fucking reason. (Maddox cracking up)
Dick: Other than some psychotic, principled obsession that you have against, like, consumerism. (Maddox guffaws) And arbitrariness that I…(trails off)
Maddox: That's what it was! And so, then I took her to a really nice, expensive dinner, had a concert, went and got drinks! End of the day, I'm like, "Well, how was the day?" She goes, "Um, yeah, it was okay." (Dick cracks up) I'm like, "WHAAAAAAAAAT?!!? WHY!?!?!!" What are you talking about, just okay!?!?! I'm like…that wasn't the best Valentine's ever?! She goes, "Oh, well, you know, you didn't call it Valentine's." (Dick cracks up again)
Maddox: This is bullshit! (yelling) This is bullshit! There's no justice! There's…then I just sat all night and I stayed up just cutting my thighs! (Dick and Sean dying of laughter) Just digging myself open! I was just so angry, I was just pulling meat out of myself!
Dick: Why is it so important that they don't call it Val…like, you celebrate New Year's, and that's arbitrary!
Maddox: No!!!!!! It's the principle. New Year's is LITERALLY not arbitrary! It is the measure of the Earth going around the Sun one cycle!! (angry)
Dick: From an arbitrary point, you shithead! It's just January 1st! It's no different than June 13th!
Maddox: The difference between New Year's and Valentine's Day, Dick, is nobody expects you to buy a bunch of HORSESHIT for New Year's! You celebrate it or you don't. You go to sleep. You're not obligated!!
Dick: Yes, you certainly are!
Maddox: Girls aren't feeling obligated…they're not feeling obligated to send themselves fucking flowers…(Dick guffaws) just to appear not lonely and desperate!
Dick: People are obligated to go to parties and feel like they have a social life even if they don't.
Maddox: Yeah, but it's not as big of an obligation. You don't feel as pressures as fucking bullshit-ass Valentine's Day!
Maddox: 14% of women buying themselves flowers. That's depressing.
Dick: I don't know. I don't know if they're doing it because they, like, need a man. Like, I don't know if it's a Cathy cartoon. Like, maybe they just kind of are caught up in the spirit and it's a nice thing for them to have flowers at the house.
Maddox: You know…you know what? Fuck you, Dick. (Dick cracks up) And fuck everyone who celebrates Valentine's Day. 'Cause I'm…I'm a great guy. Like, here's what…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah!
Maddox: Here's what it's like to date me, okay? We go out a lot. We do a lot of fun things. We go to a lot of concerts.
Maddox: We go to a lot of comedy shows. We go to a lot of movies! We do a lot of, like, exciting things all the time.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: So, when Valentine's Day comes around, I either have one of the two following options. Do what I always do, because I'm always a fun guy, or…(Dick guffaws) do nothing, okay? So, either way, it's a lose-lose. 'Cause if I do nothing, I'm an asshole! If I do something, which is what I always do, I'm an asshole.
Maddox: Or I have to go above and beyond. I have to fucking, you know, rent a fucking, I don't know. A concert hall, and juggle plates or some bullshit to outdo what I normally do. It's a lose-lose-lose situation. I can't fucking win.
Dick: All you have to do is call it a Valentine's Day present.
Maddox: Oh, that's it? (snaps)
Dick: Yeah. All you have to do is get a card that says…this whole thing could be solved by 1 dollar.
Maddox: That's fucking b…I'm going to the dollar store right after this.
Dick: Yeah. Hallmark's got a whole line for wacky people like you.
Maddox: Fuck Hallmark and fuck you, Dick! You know what…I do thoughtful things all the time.
Dick: Except letting people say the word Valentine's Day. Do you understand the difference? All you have to do is let them say that one word and everything you've done would be perfect for them!
Maddox: This is bullshit! (Dick laughs)
(Sound clip: "'All you need is Love' by the Beatles plays again")
Maddox: This is your fucking problem. This is what you've created, Dick. People like you celebrate love, celebrate Valentine's Day. It's a big fucking problem. And I'm going to…I'm going to fight this problem to the death.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: I don't care if you guys vote it down. I don't give a shit. Go ahead and vote it down, you fucking idiots.
Maddox: You fucking sheep!
Dick: Why is it this important to you that they don't call it Valentine's Day!?
Maddox: You don't think it's depressing, Dick, these people sending themselves flowers?
Dick: I don't give a shit about anything that's happening outside of this room. I wanna know why you won't let them just…why you won't just say, like, "Hey, here's a Valentine's Day date." When it would make your life so much easier.
Maddox: Okay. I'll tell you why. Okay? Because then I will have conceded. (Dick laughs) I will have conceded the debate. I will have conceded the argument. I will have just given up! I'm throwing in the towel, guys! Here it is!
Maddox: Here's…you know what? I'm going to…I'm gonna put my balls in this white towel, wrap it up, shrink wrap it for you like this Casper bed, the mattress they sent me. (giggles) (Sean laughs) It'll be a bigger box, though. And then…here you go. Take my balls. Do with them what you will. Why don't you have a Viking funeral for my balls? Why don't you just send them out to sea, set them on fire, and watch them just get ashy? They might as well, 'cause they're never gonna do anything. They're not gonna produce anything useful, 'cause I've become one of the sheep. One of the fucking idiots who celebrates Valentine's Day. Who has bought into this fucking Hallmark holiday. This bullshit. And I know that's a common criticism, but it's common for a reason. (ranting) It's true. It's a Hallmark holiday. And I…I think about eight or nine years ago, Dick, I sent an email to all my friends.
Maddox: And we weren't friends back then, but I sent an email to all my friends and I said, "Hey guys, just letting you know. I've stopped buying you Christmas gifts." (Dick giggles) I'm not gonna…
Dick: (interjects) Great. (laughing)
Maddox: (laughing) I'm not gonna buy you Christmas gifts anymore. And for the same reason as this Valentine's Day ideology. I thought that Christmas is kind of an arbitrary to buy someone gifts.
Maddox: Rather than…rather than feel pressures to buy everyone gifts right around Christmas, or buy women flowers and shit all…
Maddox: You know, on this arbitrary day. Wouldn't it be better if just throughout the year, if I saw something that someone liked, like you, Dick. I would see something that you liked and I just bought it for you? Or if I thought of my girlfriend, I would just buy her flowers? Isn't that better, because doesn't that mean that you actually put some thought and consideration into it rather than looking at the calendar and saying "Oh, god, here comes this big fucking day! We gotta do this song and dance!" Isn't that better?
Dick: Yeah. For you, maybe. Except all she wants is for you to say the word. Valentine's Day.
Dick: It's not…yeah. This is…everything that you just said with the Viking funeral (Maddox laughs) and putting your balls in a vice is your definition of what the rest of us call a compromise. (grinning)
Dick: Like, just give a little bit!
Maddox: I give a lot, Dick.
Dick: It's a lot easier.
Maddox: I give a lot all the time. I'm the most giving person…
Dick: Just give what they want.
Maddox: I never…
Dick: (interjects) You have to give not just what YOU want…it's what they want also.
Maddox: I never get credit. Yeah.
Dick: That's what the holiday is about. Giving them what THEY want.
Maddox: It's not about giving. (stammers) They're being manipulated!
Dick: No, they just want a little recognition! (laughing) Everyone else is getting it!
Maddox: Dick, I give them recognition all the time! I'm not gonna do this big, showy display of…it's a big fucking pissing contest and you're (Dick cracking up) afraid of what people…these rose peddlers are doing to you in restaurants? How does Valentine's Day make everyone look? Like a fucking chump! And then if, god forbid, if you're that guy who sends flowers to someone at work, you fucking asshole! On Valentine's Day? Fuck you!
Maddox: You do it just because, that's cool. That's sneaky. That's clever. That's thoughtful.
Dick: It's weird.
Maddox: But on Valentine's Day. It's cheap. It's cheesy. No, it's not weird!
Dick: It's weird! (laughing) It's weird if you're just, like, sending a lot of flowers randomly throughout the year.
Maddox: You're weird!
Dick: It's a little showy.
Maddox: Valentine's Day. Biggest problem.
Dick: Valentine's Day it's appropriate to do it. (grins)
Dick: You know, it's like…it's kind of a little bit embarrassing and shameful to have public displays of affection littering the office place.
Dick: But on Valentine's Day, it's okay.
Maddox: Yeah. Alright, Al Bundy. Uh, that's my problem. (Dick laughs)
Dick: I'm Al Bundy?!
Maddox: You're Al Bundy.
Dick: You're the one freaking out like you're from the fifties about it being…Valentine's Day being a scam and you're gonna send your balls out on a funeral pyre…(Maddox and Sean crack up) before you admit anything…"This is not a Valentine's Day date!!!" Good problem.
Maddox: My problem…my problems this week were "Love" and "Valentine's Day". (sounds defeated)
Dick: (laughing) Just the way you said it. (Maddox chuckles) My problems were "Rose Peddlers" and, what was the other one?
Maddox: Who gives a shit? (Dick laughs)
Dick: Shit, what was my other problem?
(Closing riff starts)
Sean: Sex with your Ex.
Maddox: Sex with the Ex.
Dick: Oh, Sex with the Ex.
Maddox: Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to check out Casper. More next week.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hi. I just wanted to point out the story of Maddox switching his girlfriend's Jack and Coke out with Jack and Diet in the last episode. (Maddox giggles) It's yet another weird example of him tampering with people's food without their knowledge. (Maddox laughs) (Dick: That's right!) I think this is becoming either a big problem or a big solution depending on how you look at it. ( Dick: That's right, you did do that. Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)) Also, Dick, you're alright.")
Dick: Oh, that was nice of him.
Maddox: Oh. Huh. I don't like this analysis he did of me.
Dick: Yeah. He caught that one.
Maddox: It sounds like it's too close…it hit too close to home! (laughing)
Dick: Why do you do that? Why do you like fucking with people's food?
Maddox: Eehhh. I don't know, man. (grins)
Dick: You like seeing what happens. You like just seeing what happens, right?
Maddox: It's an experiment. It's a little, like, micro experiment. I'm a scientist.
Dick: (laughing) You're a garbage man. (Maddox cracks up) Oh yeah, here we go. Nah, that's all I got.
Maddox: Alright, Dick. Well…by the way, the voice mail you played at the end of the last episode?
Maddox: With the guy who called in…
(recording cuts off)