Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 31

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyyy, what's up buddy? How's it going? (grinning)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Dick: Sean!! Sean, our beloved audio engineer. (grinning)

Maddox: Boy, oh boy!

Dick: Where are we gonna start with you today?!

Maddox: What would we do without Sean?

Dick: (laughs) Um, lemme ask you something, Maddox. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It is true or false that it is now midnight on Monday. Is that a true thing that I have just said?

Maddox: Mm, yeah. That is true. That is a true statement.

Dick: It is midnight on a Monday. And we are recoding the podcast at midnight on a Monday. (Maddox giggles) Do you mind if I break from protocol and go straight into my first problem today?

Maddox: No, no. I'm sorry, Dick. Quick correction. It's Tuesday. (giggles) It is the day we're releasing the podcast.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: It is midnight on Tuesday.

Dick: It's midnight on Tuesday. Sean, that's true, right? (Maddox laughs)

Sean: This is true. (sounds irritated)

Dick: Alright. That's enough out of you for now. (Maddox cracks up) While I get to my first problem. I'm not…I don't want to…I don't care about last week now.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I just wanna get to my first problem. Is that alright with you?

Maddox: Okay. Sure. (grins)

Dick: I've had a rough night.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And what I'd like to be doing is out drinking.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: But I'm here recording the podcast.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (sighs) Yeah, it's…why are you recording the podcast here, now, Dick?

Dick: Oh, I'll get to that.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Lemme tell you what happened to me tonight.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay? Tell me if this is entertaining to you at all.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Before I get to the problem.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Because I've had a really…rough night.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright? I was doing a sketch show tonight.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: At the theater. Which I do from time to time.

Maddox: At the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater in Los Angeles.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's an improv theater that you do shows at sometimes.

Dick: That I do shows at.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sketch is very simple. It's one we've done many times. Um, are you familiar with those Wild West stunt shows? Where, like, at Universal Studios…

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: A bunch of jackasses in costumes will come out and they'll, like, perform a stunt show to an audio track, right?

Maddox: Yeah. There might be, like a showdown and they'll shoot cap guns at each other.

Dick: Yeah. They got, like, a Miami Vice one of these at Universal Studios.

Maddox: It's a big, Western jerkoff. That's what it is.

Dick: Yeah. But, you know, it's for kids. So, the sketch we were doing involves something going horribly wrong in one of these shows, and someone actually gets shot.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: However, the track plays and continues with all these goofy things in the background and bedlam is breaking loose on the stage, right?

Maddox: Oh, so you're hearing all the sound effects while somebody's actually dying on stage. That's funny. Okay.

Dick: Right. And all, like, the corny stuff. Yeah, it's very funny.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Very smart stuff.

Maddox: Right, yeah. (scoffs a bit)

Dick: So, my job in this sketch is to be the medic. And I run out with a blood pack as the guy gets shot and I compress the wound and spray blood everywhere.

Maddox: Funny.

Dick: Okay?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Yeah. I'm getting to where the night started going wrong.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: Okay? So the guy who wrote it grabs me right before I go on and says, "Hey, I made a couple alterations to the blood pack." Okay?

Maddox: (scoffs) Alright.

Dick: "It's no longer a little tube that squirts out blood. It's now an entire Ziplock bag full of blood."

Maddox: (giggles) Okay.

Dick: "So just squeeze it to break it."

Maddox: Alright. So you gotta squeeze it pretty hard, right? Or not…

Dick: Have you ever tried to squeeze a Ziplock bag to break it?

Maddox: No. You try not to squeeze it, actually.

Dick: Yeah. They're made to be, like, indestructible.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So cut to my part on the stage where I squeeze this bag, and about a gallon of blood comes bursting out all over the place. Right? Like someone is having a live abortion on stage.

Maddox: Pretty cool, man. I'm getting a little turned on here. (giggles)

Dick: It's everywhere. It's everywhere! Like, head to toe. Soaked. Okay?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I go, "Shit." Run offstage. Somebody says, "Hey, go use this shower. Go use this janitor's closet." Right? There's a sink in the janitor's closet. Sink's on the floor.

Maddox: Right. Right.

Dick: So I go in there, I'm soaked with blood. Dripping everywhere. And this guy goes, "Here, lemme just turn the faucet on for you." Turns the faucet on. Faucet immediately breaks and starts spraying hot water everywhere.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Okay? Guy says, "I dunno how to fix this. I'm outta here."

Maddox: (scoffs) Of course.

Dick: So I'm standing in a janitor's closet, soaked with blood, now getting hot water sprayed in my face. Alright?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Of course there's no shut-off valve there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Someone brings in a ladder. I climb into the ceiling and find a shut-off valve. 'Cause nobody knows how to…nobody knows how valves work.

Maddox: Yeah, there are no men in this theater.

Dick: No. So I fix it.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: I fix it, right? It takes about a half hour. But I fix it.

Maddox: Sure. Right.

Dick: Done. I get in my car. I had to take my pants off to go into the valet line.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Dick: To get my car. Because they were soaked with blood and water. And I don't want to walk around with wet pants.

Maddox: Been there, buddy.

Dick: Get in my car and I think, "Man, you know what I wanna do? I just want to go home and drink about 20 beers."

Maddox: Yeah, that sounds like the appropriate response to a night like the one you had, Dick. So why couldn't you do that?

Dick: Why couldn't I do that? (angry) Sean??? Why am I not at home right now? (Maddox laughs) Why am I at Maddox's at midnight on Tuesday morning recording a podcast?

Sean: Because last night, I went full-blown retard.

Dick: Just say it. (Maddox cracks up) What did you do? What did you do, Sean?

Sean: I deleted the podcast. (sad) (Dick cracks up)

(Sound effect: Boooooo!!)

Maddox: So, Sean. Let me get this straight. You deleted the podcast. Like, there's no backup recording? This is why we have to re-record this podcast again?

Sean: That's right. (sad) (Dick and Maddox crack up)

Dick: You deleted the podcast.

Maddox: Oh my gosh, yeah.

Sean: Without making a backup.

Maddox: Yup!

Dick: Without making a backup. (incredulous)

Maddox: So, ladies and gentlemen, this is the second podcast we're recording this week. Uh, this second in, what, 48 hours, I believe, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You will be listening to this within 8 hours of us recording. This is as fresh as it gets, short of recording and broadcasting live, it can't get any fresher than this.

Dick: It's Dunkin' Donuts, man. And I…all the people who are always on the comments saying Sean is the only smart one of the three…(Sean and Maddox laugh) Do you read those, Sean? Do you read those guys?

Sean: Uh, actually, I really don't. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's…everybody wants you to bring in a problem, but then they're like, well, what if he spoils the illusion that he's the reasonable one of the group?

Sean: Well, that's bound to happen.

Dick: (guffaws) I think it already did!

Sean: Maybe so.

Dick: Maybe?! Maybe. There's a bunch of zeros on that hard drive that would say it did. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. Bunch of zeros. Anyway, Dick. Uh, let's get to the…let's get the show going here.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Last week, "Pedophiles" came in as the top problem.

Dick: Of course.

Maddox: Right? And followed by "Goofy Lightsabers", which is INFURIATING!

Dick: Why?

Maddox: How…how is that more of a problem than "Audiophiles"? In what universe?

Dick: (sighs) Okay. Because your "Audiophile" problem was all over the place.

Maddox: Horseshit!

Dick: The "Audiophile" was problematic because audiophiles would agree with you that vinyl is shit. Your whole argument was that vinyls sucked and CDs were great, but audiophiles love CDs. They don't think CDs are good enough!

Maddox: Well yeah, that's true, but Dick, most of the audiophiles I know, self-proclaimed audiophiles, think that vinyl is the superior format. And they'll argue day and night about how good vinyl is. But vinyl's bullshit. They don't understand the limitations of vinyl. They think it's better because it has "soul". (annoyed) I've actually…that's an argument I've actually heard from somebody defending vinyl. They say that the medium has "soul".

Dick: Yeah. That's true in a way.

Maddox: Uggggggh!! Stupid! What am I…

Dick: (interjects) Do you understand what they're saying when they say it has "soul"?

Maddox: I'm not sure I understand what you're saying.

Dick: I'm saying that there's a built-in static to it that's pleasing to the ear. There's a warmth to it that's pleasing to the ear. That's the soul, and that is a physical thing. It's like a physical thing to have. That's the soul of it.

Maddox: Okay. Rocks are also physical things. (angry) They don't have SOULS, Dick! This is not a soul, it's dirt! It's dirt on a scratchy piece of vinyl! Throw it away!

Dick: Yeah, but see, (stammers) audiophiles would agree with you.

Maddox: (sighs) No.

Dick: You understand that, right?

Maddox: No!

Dick: They ALSO hate vinyl.

Maddox: No. A lot of audiophiles I know are idiots specifically because they think that vinyl sounds better! That's why I don't trust audiophiles. They're full of shit!

Dick: Well, um. (sighs) Continuing with the audiophile discussion, I got a voice mail for you if you wanna hear it.

Maddox: Great. (annoyed)

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Maddox, regarding your problem with distortion and vinyl records, you do realize that distortion is an important part of music itself, right?" (Maddox jeers)"When you play a piano, you get distortion from things like other strings vibrating. You even get it from the piano frame itself. (Maddox: Right.)If you wanted a perfect, flawless, distortionless note, you couldn't get it on the piano. You'd need something like a synthesizer. (Dick: Yeah. Maddox: Right) If that's what you want, everyone playing synths, like the last dickhead song…(Dick: Do you see what he's sayin'? That's the soul.) then go ahead, and eliminate distortion from music. Might as well…" (File cuts off)

Dick: Do you see what he's saying? The soul is the whole piano.

Maddox: No, listen. No. (skeptical) Yeah, I get it. I get it. No, listen here, dick fuck. You aren't getting soul or…if you want distortion in your music, you can record distortion in the music. Anything you want, any kind of noise, soul, scratchy dirt noise, anything you want, you can add to it in post with a perfect recording. But you don't have the option to NOT have that noise there with vinyl.

Dick: It's not that easy. It's not as easy as you're making it sound.

Maddox: Hey. I'm not saying it's easy, man! Mozart's compositions weren't easy! No one stopped him from doing it!

Dick: They weren't that difficult compared to other classical composers, though. (laughs)

Maddox: Dick is…Dick is denigrating Mozart on this show…(Dick still laughing)…after also saying records have soul. Like, what am I doing in this…

Dick: Oh, sorry. Mozart, Einstein, and Hitler. (Maddox cracks up) They're the paragon of the things. Nothing can be any better or worse than them, right?

Maddox: Well…(grins)…alright Dick. Well, I need to have a serious moment here at the top of the show before we go on. We've rarely done this on the show. I don't think we've ever done this, actually, but I do actually want to take a very serious moment right now and talk about the pedophile problem. Last episode, I got an email from somebody, it's an anonymous email from somebody who says, " Maddox, thank you. Your message about pedos on your most recent podcast meant a lot to me personally and was a really courageous and surprising issue for you to bring up and treat fairly. I am a long time fan and supporter of yours and have written back and forth with you under my real name several times over the years. Obviously, I want to remain anonymous for this email. I am a non-offending pedo who has struggled with this curse for a long time. I never have and never would act on these thoughts, but the shame I feel for having them weighs heavily on me and the unbridled, bloodthirsty hatred I see from society, including unknowing friends and family, deeply hurts me. I thank you and Dick for making the important distinction between thoughts and actions in your episode and for mentioning that non-offending pedos do exist and that we aren't all necessarily cold-blooded monsters. In reply to what Dick said about asking with a large measure of skepticism if a person can really go their whole life without having sex, consider this. Not all pedos are exclusively attracted to kids. In fact, many enjoy healthy sex lives with adults. I fall into this category. Even pedos who are exclusively attracted to kids can channel this attraction into health sexual outlets; for instance, roleplaying with an adult partner, especially one who looks young, and they do exist, or jerking off to hentai I guess, but the idea is, it's not… "

Dick: (interjects) Should have stopped at the roleplaying, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You didn't need the hentai part. (grinning)

Maddox: Probably. (Dick laughs) "But the idea is, it's not a life of celibacy per say. Anyway, I know you're not necessarily advocating for us, but thank you for questioning the status quo, what I have always loved you for. A fan." So…

Dick: That's a nice letter.

Maddox: It is a nice letter, but it's also…I feel so conflicted about it, because these people do exist and because of a stupid, inane US law where if you talk to a psychiatrist about trying to get help and they find out that you're a pedo, you might get turned into the police and arrested, which has caused a lot of pedophiles to go underground, and without any place to turn for help, sometimes their last resort is to actually abuse kids. Like, that's an absolutely horrible, horrible outcome because of this law.

Dick: Lemme uncomplicate your feelings on this.

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean guffaws)

Dick: You are an advocate against thought crimes.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: If you're thinkin' it, it's not a crime.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: That is a very easy line to draw.

Maddox: Correct, but…

Dick: Right?

Maddox: But Dick, we have to have an outlet for these non-offending pedos. And there's an episode of This American Life, it's a pretty good podcast. They talked about this. They found this guy, this 19-year-old kid, going by the pseudonym of "Adam", and he was one of these non-offending pedophiles and he looked online and he found that there is very little research about what causes pedophilia, whether or not you can be around kids and not offend, whether or not child sexuality…like, for example, are you a pedophile if you're a 12-year-old and you're attracted to, say, a 7 or 8-year-old? Like, child sexuality has not been researched NEARLY to the extent that adult sexuality or anything else has. So, they don't…people don't understand the mechanisms of pedophilia. So this guy started a support group. It started out with six people. And then, um. This is kind of a surprising statistic. Here's a little clip from This American Life.

(Sound clip: "Anywhere between 1.2 million and 3.4 million pedophiles in the US alone. That means there are lots of people out there who are presumably trying not to offend, with no one to turn to for help. There's almost no research to explain why they are the way they are, and no known treatment. Which is how a teenager might conclude that his best option is to invent his own way forward.")

Maddox: So this kid created this support group online for non-offending pedophiles to at least talk and try to find some solution to this and some way out, because society isn't offering that right now. They're causing people to go underground. So, I just want to put…if you have this problem, uh…rather than becoming an offender, please go to this website, maybe get some help. Maybe find people who are in your support group. It's called http://www.virped.org/ (spells it out) Check it out. We'll link to it on the website. Anyway, bit of serious news. And if there's any way this show could potentially reduce potential child abuse on that scale, like, sexual child abuse, that would be amazing. So, if you're one of these people, check out the website, maybe it'll help, maybe it won't. But at the very least, I don't think it helps to push these guys underground, because then they might offend.

Dick: Hey, um. Is there a support group for engineers who delete podcasts? (Maddox cracks up) Did you find any of that in your research?

Maddox: You know, I'm checking my immediate vicinity and I don't see anything here, so. (giggles)

Dick: If anybody listening, whether you're a pedophile or not. If you know of a support group online for engineers who delete podcasts…

Maddox: You know what? We…

Dick: (interjects) Please contact the show.

Maddox: Yeah. We'll call it virsean.org.

Dick: I wanna help, too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay?

Maddox: We want to help! We want to help people like Sean.

Dick: Want me to read you some more emails?

Maddox: You don't have to stay anonymous. Yeah, let's hear some emails.

Dick: Yeah, um. From Nick…Nick Overmordel says, "The auditory shortcomings of vinyl give the listeners' imagination room to perceive something more than what they're actually hearing, which is part of the experience."

Maddox: Fuck off.

Dick: I never…(cracks up) Fuck off?! I never thought of that! Isn't that interesting at all to you?

Maddox: No, it's stupid! Imagination…

Dick: No?

Maddox: That's…(stammers) you could make that argument with anything. If you don't complete a book, then the blank pages leave the reader imagination to complete the book him or herself! That's fucking stupid!

Dick: Brevity is the soul of wit, I guess you would say. (grinning)

Maddox: That has…absolutely…(Sean laughs, Maddox giggles)

Dick: What about impressionist art? Like Monet and Manet? And whatever-et?

Maddox: Well the artist is still trying to convey a certain thought or emotion and they're able to do that through impressionism.

Dick: Yeah? Hmm? (silly)

Maddox: But it's not left to the reader to imagine exactly what that is. The artist has a vision and they convey it through impressionism.

Dick: Alright, Nick. I guess you're wrong. Um, hey, how about this one? "CDs degrade worse than vinyl." You have a CD that starts skippin', like 15 years into it? Vinyl still rocks!

Maddox: Uh, no. That's not true. I don't believe that at all. (Dick laughs)

Dick: You don't believe that at all?

Maddox: I don't believe that for one fucking second!

Dick: Okay, okay. (grins)

Maddox: Here, I got a comment from Drinky Bird. It's @drinkybird on Twitter. He says, "Maddox, an MP3 can be made to sound like vinyl. Vinyl cannot be made to sound like an MP3." True.

Dick: Wait a minute. An MP3 can be made to sound like vinyl, but not the other way around?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. You can add all sorts of scratchy bullshit if you want.

Dick: I guess. Alright. This is…I still don't think the problem was audiophiles. I think it was vinyl enthusiasts. Like, pretentious vinyl enthusiasts.

Maddox: Great. Well, apparently people though that fucking lightsabers has some real word effect, because it's in the POSITIVE territory on the votes! (angry)

Dick: Not this guy, though. Lemme play you this voice mail.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Dick. About your problem on goofy lightsabers. Nobody fucking cares." (Maddox. Yeah!) You're an idiot. (Dick laughs))

Dick: Uh, it wrecks the allegory of the whole thing.

(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Crazy!!")

Maddox: You know, Dick, I got a comment here. Uh, this is about pedophiles. (giggles) This is a joke I've seen floating around on the Internet. It's from Bavan Salanky. He says. "Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes."

Dick: Oh, god. (sighs) (Maddox chuckles) I got a voice mail for you.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "What's up guys, Scott [ ] here, huge fan of the show. Hey Maddox, if you like CDs over tapes so much, how about I tape my dick to your forehead so you can C D-ees nuts? (Dick cracks) (Maddox: Okay.) )

Dick: Have you ever heard that one?!

Maddox: Great. No.

Dick: (tearing up) I've never heard that one!

Maddox: Piece of shit.

Dick: Ahhh. Sean, there's one for you!!!

Sean: Oh, no.

Dick: Yeah! Thank God I didn't delete it. (Sean and Maddox crack up) You were being offensive last week when you said that women weren't interested in the audiophile problem.

Maddox: Uh-oh.

Dick: And a female listener had a problem with it.

(Voice mail: (imitation of Angelo's mom, clearly a male voice): "This is a message for Sean!" (Sean and Maddox laugh) This is Angelo's mom! (Dick: It's Angelo's mom.) Listen here, you son of a bitch! You think girls don't like things like analog recording, multi-track recording and things like this? (Dick cracks up) You are a sexist son of a bitch! (Dick: Yeah! (tearing up) Maddox: Yeah.)You are probably gay! (Dick: I dunno!) Like Dick. (Dick: Heyy. (warning) (Sean laughs) Who can go fuck himself, by the way. (Dick: Alllright. Alright. That's enough.))

(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are gay?!?!") (Maddox and Sean laugh)

(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "And who are you, gay?!)

Maddox: Yeah, Sean. That was…that was Angelo's mom. Did she become Italian in between episodes? (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. She also became Dracula. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Alright. What else you got? You wanna get into the problems?

Dick: James Pooley says, "Hey, my name is James Pooley. I work at a waste water treatment plant. I wanted to let you know that you should continue to tell your friend that they are morons when they don't flush their toilets to "conserve water". We actually use centrifuges to remove virtually all the water from the sewage. This water is then sent to a nearby lake, which then gets treated and goes back into your homes."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, if it's yellow, let it mellow.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Which those drought dickbags, and is nonsense. He's saying.

Maddox: Right. So they send it to a centrifuge, which separates any piss and poop particles from the water…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they still conserve the water! That's fucking…so anyone who has not been flushing their toilets is stupid. A stupid idiot and deserves to die with gravel in their mouths.

Dick: Sure. Uh, I got the last one from Zack Sherman, "Of Mice and Men spoilers. God, I was right in the middle of that book. Thanks, Maddox." Spoiler alert. You said last week that Lenny gets killed in the end of Mice and Men. Do you remember saying that?

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry, did I spoil a book that's been out for fucking 70 years? (Sean laughs)

Dick: This guy was right in the middle of it though, man. (grins)

Maddox: I don't give a shit!

Dick: (guffaws) Alright!

Maddox: Everyone knows how fucking Titanic ended, but that was still a multi-multi million dollar movie!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Stupid.

Dick: Did you see it in theaters?

Maddox: No. I still haven't seen it. I swore…

Dick: Oh, man! You got me!

Maddox: I swore.

Dick: Dammit. Alright. (Maddox laughs, taunting) I didn't see it either. What did you swear?

Maddox: Yeah. I swore when that movie came out I would NEVER see it. I swore…it's still an article on my website. I said I will never see this movie, no matter what. End of story. Period.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: And I still haven't. Yeah. I've only seen the nude scenes.

Dick: What would it ta…(Maddox chuckles)…okay.

Maddox: You know…boobies.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, no. I know. What would it take to get you to see it?

Maddox: Uh…I wouldn't see it.

Dick: Never.

Maddox: Never.

Dick: For no reason.

Maddox: For no reason. I'm a very principled guy. I have sacrificed…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah, I know. (scoffs)

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay. (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Dick: You've sacrificed what?

Maddox: Tens of thousands of dollars because I promised I would never put ads on my website.

Dick: Oh, tens of thousands? I think you should add a couple zeros onto that.

Maddox: Yeah. It's easily in the hundreds of thousands at this point, but I (stammers)…I could be making tens of thousands of dollars per MONTH if I had ads on my website. I refuse to.

Dick: Alright. (exhales) Should we get to our problems?

Maddox: Let's do it. What's your first problem this week, Dick?

Dick: Well, my first problem was Sean deleted the podcast.

Maddox: Oh, right. What's your second problem this week? (laughs)

Dick: My second problem this week is "Hunger".

Maddox: Hunger?!

Dick: Hunger.

Maddox: Hunger? Why is that a problem, Dick?

Dick: Uh, you know what I did this weekend? You guys both know that I'm no stranger to phil…phil..philanthropy. To giving back to the community.

Maddox: Oh, sure, Dick.

Sean: You couldn't even say it! (all crack up)

Maddox: It's the first time his mouth has ever made those words!

Dick: Whatever.

Maddox: Okay. (laughs)

Dick: I went to a soup kitchen when I was on Dr. Phil, for example.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.

Dick: And then, uh…flash forward seven years and I went to this…I went to this food charity place.

Maddox: Which you don't like to mention, by the way.

Dick: I don't like to mention it. I don't like to talk about this.

Maddox: No. 'Cause you're so selfless.

Dick: Yeah. I only mention it 'cause it just happened.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's why.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Um, I'll be honest with you, I did it because I thought there would be chicks there.

Maddox: (chuckles) Of course. Of course, Dick.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Very calculated.

Dick: I don't think it's that calculated.

Maddox: Hey, I'm not faulting you for it. That's a good move.

Dick: Yeah, I mean…um, then I realized, though, when I showed up there, late, which I did show up late to help with this thing. This food thing. I realized that all the chicks I date don't wake up or get out of bed before 1 PM, so…

Maddox: Yeah. You don't want one of these studious types who are at the food shelter.

Dick: Well, I don't know. I thought it might be a nice change of pace. Here's what the food shelter did. Apparently, I didn't know this until…I missed the orientation video, but somebody told me after I got there. There's all these kids, right? That eat at school every week. But then they go home and they got nothing to eat.

Maddox: Hmmm.

Dick: So what this group does, this Food First group, is it makes these care packages and gives them to poor kids so they can take it home and eat over the weekend, so they're not starving all weekend. Right? Because what is worse? Honestly. I'm honestly asking you this. What is worse than being hungry? Nothing.

Maddox: Drowning.

Dick: No.

Maddox: Pedophiles. Easily worse than hunger.

Dick: You would rather…you would rather be hungry than deal with a pedophile? Really? (incredulous)

Maddox: Uh, Dick…hunger is temporary. Molestation is forever. Right?

Dick: Uh, I think these people are in a state of perpetual hunger.

Maddox: Yeah, well, once you're molested, you're in a state of perpetual molestation. (giggles) I mean, you're done.

Dick: I would let someone look at my junk for a candy bar. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: No one wants to see your junk…no one would give you a candy bar to see your junk. I would give you a candy bar to put your pants back up.

Dick: Oh?

Maddox: Like, tonight at the theater, if you had your pants down and blood and bullshit and guts all over your pants…(Sean laughs) I'd be like, "Here man, have a candy bar."

Dick: I never thought I would have to say the line, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I ruined my pants this evening. I'm sorry that I'm not wearing…I'm sorry I ruined my pants this evening. That's why I'm wearing underpants."

Maddox: Uh…you have ruined a lot of pants through various reasons.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. Anyway.

Maddox: Anyway, Dick.

Dick: I don't…I disagree with you, man. I think hunger's the worst thing ever. Like, I would rather do…if I'm hungry, I start going insane. I really do.

Maddox: Okay. Well, that's…I mean, that's you, man. I'm hungry right now. I haven't eaten dinner. I've been snacking on nuts all night. (Dick cracks up) Great, there's a sound byte that I'll never hear the end of. Uh…yeah. So I've been…I'm hungry right now! I'm still doing this podcast at fucking, what is it, Tuesday morning? (Sean laughs) T minus seven hours before we release this episode? I'm hungry.

Dick: One in nine people on our planet goes to bed hungry each night. Is this just a me thing? I think hunger is a big fucking deal. I will do anything to not be hungry.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: And I mean that. Like, I…something switches off in my brain and I, like, turn into an animal when I need to eat food.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I actually have some stats for you, Dick. One in three people in this room is gonna go to bed hungry tonight. Uh, the source is my life. I'm still hungry.

Dick: You're gonna go to bed hungry? Why?! (incredulous)

Maddox: I mean, we'll see. The pizza place are fucking closed! We're recording this podcast…it's almost, like, one in the morning. Everything's gonna close by the time it's over.

Dick: Eh.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. One in nine people are going to bed hungry...is that true? One in nine?

Dick: Yeah, that's true.

Maddox: So why aren't these statisticians just feeding these people? If they survey these people and find out they're hungry, be like, "Hey, and by the way, here's a sandwich."

Dick: What are they, sandwich genies? They're walking around with satchels of sandwiches wherever they go?

Maddox: I…sandwiches…(stammers)

Dick: It's hard to move food around.

Maddox: Okay. Well, that's true.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's true. There is a logisticial problem. I will tell you this, Dick. When homeless people ask me for money, I rarely give it to them. However, I almost have never turned down a homeless person who is hungry. I always buy them food.

Dick: Yeah. So you get what I'm sayin'. It's miserable to be hungry.

Maddox: Well, I don't know about that…I mean, it IS, yeah, sure! But, more…more…it's the biggest problem in the universe? More than female genital mutilation? Get outta here.

Dick: Hunger kills more people each year than AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis combined. 3.1 million kids die! 11 million people die.

Maddox: Is that true? That's a real statistic?

Dick: Yeah, that's true, man.

Maddox: What's your source?

Dick: http://www.dosomething.org .

Maddox: (scoffs) Do something…

Dick: And http://www.stophungernow.org

Maddox: Alright. 11 million people, that's more than AIDS. You know what, Dick? You make a good point. I guess hunger is a bigger problem than AIDS. So if this system works…if this podcast is doing its job…you idiots should vote up "Hunger" above "AIDS", but not above anything else.

Dick: You know…you are always harping on this…"this isn't a contest" thing…

Maddox: It's not.

Dick: And you started in with this recently when you started losing several in a row.

Maddox: No.

Dick: But it sounds like you're just arguing "Hunger", 'cause you don't want me to win. When this is a legitimate problem!

Maddox: It is a problem. I want…look, I am doing my job as a debater and as a co-host to make sure that people vote this problem (Dick guffaws) exactly where it should be on the list!

Dick: Right. (skeptical)

Maddox: That's what I want. Dick, I am curious…

Dick: Which is below "Pedophiles", right?

Maddox: I think "Pedophiles" are a bigger problem than hunger. (giggles)

Dick: Are a bigger problem than hunger?

Maddox: Well…yeah.

Dick: Dude, I would…I would…(sighs) Everything I say is gonna be a sound byte from here, but I would blow a guy if I'm gonna starve to death. (Maddox cracks up) If I'm that hungry, I would do it. I don't fucking care, man! I need to eat.

(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "And who are you, gay?!")

Dick: There we go again.

Maddox: (laughs) You know…you know…

Dick: Just 'cause you're making her say it doesn't get you off the hook, by the way.

Maddox: No, no. That was in context. I don't know what you're talking about. Listen, Dick. If you…everybody has been hungry at some point. Right? I would trade…I would trade one molestation for being hungry for a year. I would rather be hungry for a year than be molested. Are you kidding me? What are the options, like, some creepy dude puts his junk on me versus, uh…I go to bed a little bit hungry? I'm a little bit nippy when I wake up in the morning?

Dick: Well, what if it's a lot hungry?

Maddox: Well, you know. I mean…I've never been a lot hungry. Who has, though?

Dick: There we go…a TON OF PEOPLE! All over the world, you shitwit! (yelling) That's what I'm talking about! (Maddox laughs) One in six people in America face hunger.

Maddox: One in six?! That's an outrageous number, Dick. That seems like a ridiculous amount of people.

Dick: Dude, it's just…listen to this. 50 million AMERICANS struggle to put food on the table. Have you ever questioned putting food on your table?! I have never questioned not being able to eat!

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause food is cheap! You can buy…look, for 50 cents, you could buy a cup of noodles. You're set for a night. Cup of noodles!

Dick: Apparently…okay. Food insecurity is what it's called. Stupid name. Food insecurity?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what the USDA calls this thing that's going on?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: First of all, they should have called it something outrageous, right? To get people jazzed up about putting an end to it?

Maddox: Oh, to…to stop…to help end hunger.

Dick: They should have called it, like, "Hunger Debt" or "Starvation…something". "At risk of starvation."

Maddox: How about "The Hunger Games"?

Dick: Yeah. Very good. (sarcastic) Alright. "Food insecurity" refers to the USDA's measure of lack of access at times to enough food for all household members. So that means…households with children reported a significantly higher food insecurity rate than households without kids. This is households at 26%, by the way, when this was taken.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: That have food insecurity. Which means not everybody at the table is eating.

Maddox: Hmmmm. I see.

Dick: So why don't you think about that? This isn't about being nippish.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is about not being able to eat over the weekend, which is what that place was about that I was out.

Maddox: Oh. Oh interesting, Dick. You know, this is a problem, but lemme connect the dots here. So…we got this family, right? With too many mouths to feed.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Too many mouths to feed means too many babies. Therefore, BABIES is the biggest problem in the universe! (yelling) Go vote up "Babies", you idiots!!!! It's still in the negatives! (Dick laughs) I can't believe you guys! If people had fewer babies, hunger wouldn't be an issue, Dick! You wouldn't even have to bring in this horseshit problem. And by the way, I got a quick extra problem this week. How about "Shitty Fucking Apple Products" that keep crashing?

Dick: You're gonna change the subject right now? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: (stammers) Okay, just real quick! I want to say that! 'Cause it keeps fucking crashing! Okay, go on.

Dick: It crashed once.

Maddox: Nuuuuraaahhhhhhh!!! Every time!!

Dick: The computer crashed once.

Maddox: Every time…the last four fucking episodes! Alright, go on. What else you got on hunger?

Dick: Um…(sighs) I for…what did you say right before that non sequitur?

Maddox: Babies are the biggest problem, because if you had fewer babies…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but…

Maddox: (interjects) There'd be less hunger.

Dick: Yeah, but here's the thing. There's plenty of food. 40% of our food is thrown out in the US every year. We're throwing it away! This is food that's just getting thrown away, like straight out of Ralph's, right into the trash can.

Maddox: Yeah, well.

Dick: Straight out of the supermarket and right into the garbage.

Maddox: Yeah, I…I…received an email from this idiot, zealot, vegetarian one time, who said, (goofy voice) "Uh, Maddox, if we were all vegetarians, we could use the land that animals graze on to grow crops for humans."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I said, "Hey idiot, no you can't. First of all." That's not nutritious…those are nutrient-sapped soils that they graze on.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's not something that they can just grow any kind of crop on! And second…uh..we have a surplus of grains already in this country. They have giant silos in the Midwest full of grains that they can't use or ship anywhere. But the problem isn't that we don't have enough food. The problem is the logistics of getting that food to the people who need it! It's too expensive. If you want to spring for it, dickhead, then go fucking do it! But don't tell me stop eating a steak because you think it's gonna help end hunger. It's not. We have way more food than the ability to deliver it.

Dick: Yeah. You're right.

Maddox: Oh, thank you. I was expecting…(laughs) for you to shit on my point.

Dick: (laughs) No, it's hard to get…hey, I was doing it this weekend. It's fucking hard. My back's killing me. And by the way, I couldn't get in with any of those girls there, because it's all, like, a bunch of…it's all a bunch of white kids that show up…all these weekenders that show up, to like, feel good about themselves over the weekend.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: So they're busting their ass on this assembly line like it's…like they're building the bridge over the river Kwai. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they're fighting each other to supply these boxes with food. I take a break to talk to somebody, and I'm getting shouted at, by like, two people running the line. It was like a fucking chain gang there!

Maddox: Yeah. It sounds pretty awful, man. And also…(Sean laughs) again…again, Dick. Maybe they could sense your underlying air of insincerity. (Dick cackles) Right? I mean, I'm with you right there, buddy.

Dick: Do I sound insincere? 'Cause I actually…I actually care about being hungry. I don't care about a lot.

Maddox: I know you care about being hungry. But with the other shit…absolutely sound insincere. And I've been right there with you, dude. I went to a protest once to pick up chicks.

Dick: What protest?

Maddox: Uh, some Persian something or other. Persian chicks are really into me.

Dick: Some Persian something or other? (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, I don't know. Iran was doing something and everyone was pissed off, and the Persians were like, "Hey, Iran!" Something or other. I don't know…I don't even remember! It doesn't matter.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: But I went to this protest, 'cause like, Persian chicks are really into me! I don't know…I should check it out, right?

Dick: Yeah…why?

Maddox: I…

Dick: I mean why…why would they be into you?

Maddox: Okay, Dick. (Dick cackles) Just the handsomeness and my bulging genius brain, maybe.

Dick: (giggles) Okay.

Maddox: And/or penis. Um…yeah. So anyway, Dick. Maybe it's the insincerity that they picked up on.

Dick: Well, it was quite a scene. And um…hey. That's why I'm bringing it in. "Hunger".

Maddox: Great. Hunger. You know what, Dick? I will give you this. It is a bigger problem than AIDS as a fact, because 11 million people die per year, right? How many does AIDS kill? I don't even remember. Like, 3, 4 million?

Dick: I don't think you ever actually looked it up. Uh…

Maddox: I looked it up.

Dick: You don't think it's a bigger problem than "Slacktivists"?

Maddox: (scoffs) No! (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, you know how you avoid slacktivists? You get off of Facebook? You know how you avoid being hungry? You can't! You're fucked!

Maddox: No, Dick. I'll tell you why "Slacktivists" is a bigger problem, for real. Because slacktivists…say for example, they want to end hunger, so they create a Facebook campaign that gets a whole bunch of clicks. UNICEF even created an advertisement saying, "Hey guys, we can't feed people with your likes and thumbs up. We need actual donations and money." Slacktivists are a bigger problem because people use it in lieu of doing actual help and doing anything, which is way more damaging than not doing anything at all, because then they feel like they've done something and then they'll never do anything ever again.

Dick: Uh…you know what the worst problem about hunger is?

Maddox: What?

Dick: You get drunk way too fast.

Maddox: That's true. I wouldn't say that's the worst problem with hunger. (giggles) I would say…death.

Dick: It's a big problem.

Maddox: Okay. It is a big problem.

Dick: It's a big problem. It's part of it.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: I'm trying to build a whole case here for hunger, do you see?

Maddox: Yeah. (sighs)

Dick: So it appeals to everyone.

Maddox: Yeah. It happened to me, Dick. The other night, I went to a bar. I was pretty hungry and I had…I felt like such a pussy. I had a light beer…like, half a light beer and I was buzzed. I felt like such an idiot. I felt so weak. I wanted to just gut myself.

Dick: No, man. I think it's a bigger problem than you're making it out to be. That's all.

Maddox: It is a bigger problem than AIDS, I'll give you that. AIDS was my problem, Dick.

Dick: (laughing) You're just fucking arguing! Your tone, it's so argumentative about hunger! (yells) (Maddox laughs) Like it's…what are you talkin' about? "Oh, it's a big problem, but not…not too big, right?" You don't want it to be hunger at the top of the list, do you?

Maddox: It won't be.

Dick: I think you're afraid.

Maddox: 'Cause it's not that…

Sean: (interjects) And it's like if you win next week, he gave you permission. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Hey, Sean. If I do win, don't delete the episode, okay? (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Maddox: Sean, please do. I will approve that as well.

Dick: I won't…I won't fuck with people when they're hungry. That's all I'm gonna say.

Maddox: I…

Dick: (interjects) I will fuck with them on anything else. I will fuck with them if they're having relationship problems…(Sean giggles) I'll fuck with them if, like, their car is lost, or someone's in trouble and they don't know what's going on…but if someone's hungry, gotta get that person straight to a restaurant. We gotta get that person straight to a Popeye's. I don't care what's in the way.

Maddox: Nahh….

Dick: This person needs some chicken ASAP.

Maddox: Nah, man. I…see, I love pushing people's buttons, and especially someone who gets "hangry", that's the expression that people use now, 'hangry", when you're hungry and angry.

Dick: I don't know, I don't use hashtags.

Maddox: Yeah, it's not…(Dick cracks up) Okay, Dick. (Sean laughs) I don't either. But, when people get hungry…especially…this happens with a lot of my friend's girlfriends, where they'll get really fucking cranky…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I, at some point, just take a step back and think, "Whoa man, get your shit under control." I don't care who you are…like, whether it's the guy or the girl. You need to get your shit under control. I get it, you're hungry. We all get hungry sometimes, but don't be an asshole to everyone else. It's not…it's not gonna make me want to make you happy if you're being an asshole about it.

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: You're hungry around me?

Dick: Fuck you.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaah, buddy. Yeah. You're gonna get…you're gonna stay hungry. Maybe I'll take the long path home. Oh, you know…I'm hitting all these red lights all of a sudden. 'Cause I know how to avoid red lights, buddy. I know how to navigate every city like a pro. I'm a samurai in traffic! And if someone's hungry and being an asshole…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, maybe I'll take the long way. I dunno. Oh. Ooops! We got here 5 minutes too late. The restaurant closed. (grinning) Shit. Maybe don't be such a dick next time.

Dick: I'll eat you if you do that to me. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Great. I know where you can start. Alright, Dick. Is that all you got?

Dick: Yeah, I think so.

Maddox: Alright, Dick.

Dick: What did we…did we learn anything from that?

Maddox: Yeah, actually. You know. Hunger is a pretty big problem. I wouldn't say it's the biggest problem in the universe, but it's pretty big. It should be up there. I would say hunger should be…

Dick: It should be up there. (grins) Where should it be?

Maddox: Probably in the top 10.

Dick: Okay. Above "Female Genital Mutilation", you think? Probably.

Maddox: Mmmmmmno, I don't think so. Female Genital Mutilation is permanent. Anything that's a permanent…that has permanent, lasting effect, is a bigger problem that hunger.

Dick: Death is a pretty permanent side effect of hunger, I think.

Maddox: Well, sure.

Dick: 11 million people dying every year?

Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, man. Where are these people dying?

Dick: How many people do you know that come back from temporary death? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Not a lot.

Maddox: I mean, are we talkin' comas? Does comas count?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Okay. Then none. (laughs) Alright, Dick. Enough about hunger. Let's get to a real problem, shall we?

Dick: (cracks up) This is a real problem?!?! (voice cracks)

Maddox: Yeah, I got a real problem!

Dick: Okay!!! (laughing)

Maddox: Gourmet Dog Food.

Dick: (chuckles) Oh, fuck off. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: (laughing) It's a real problem, buddy! Listen to this! 'Kay?

Dick: Yeah. (scoffs)

Maddox: Now, here's a rule. If you lick your own asshole and occasionally munch on a few nuggets of your own turd…you aren't allowed to eat food that looks better than the food I eat.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Is that fair? Right? If you're a fucking dog that licks its own asshole, I don't want to feed you a fancy-looking cupcake made out of dog food. No cookies made out of dog shit. I don't want to feed you anything that looks fucking fancy! I don't want to think about it. Whatever dogs eat should look like shit, because dogs don't care. Dogs literally eat shit.

Dick: Yeah, you don't have to do any of that, though.

Maddox: What?

Dick: With the cupcake thing?

Maddox: Buy them cupcakes?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. Great, I'm not.

Dick: That's just, like, a fun thing that people do.

Maddox: Yeah? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'll tell you people do it.

Dick: It's not hurting you, is what I'm saying. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah, well. I'll tell you how it does hurt people, Dick.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: According to the New York Times, pet owners, invariably called "pet parents"…

Dick: Oh, god. (sighs)

Maddox: "…by the makers of Super Premium Pet Foods do not mind reaching into their wallets and paying extra, even in recessionary times. Two underlying forces have intensified the urge to spend. Aging pets and growing population of affluent pet owners spending money on them." So, a new study…this is an actual study from the pet industry by Dillon Media reports that those making more than 100,000$ per year increased their share of pet food spending and now account for about a third of the total market. "These are precisely the health-conscious, label-scrutinizing, restaurant-going consumers likely to indulge their cats and dogs at meal times."

Dick: Yeah, you know. Good.

Maddox: What do you mean, good?! (incredulous)

Dick: So they don't want to feed their pets other pets? They don't wanna feed their pets, like…gnarled…mulched up carcasses of other dead animals? They wanna spring for a little more and get, like, chicken meal?

Maddox: What do you mean, Dick? What do you mean, they're feeding them other pets?

Dick: That's what dog food…dog food is other dogs.

Maddox: Okay, so? Let's say it is.

Dick: So, that's disgusting.

Maddox: Why is that…

Dick: (interjects) If you're making 100,000$ a year, yeah. You can splurge and not have to know that you're feeding your dog other euthanized dogs.

Maddox: Dick, that's the animal kingdom. That's how it works. In nature, if an animal keels over and dies, guess what? (Dick cracks up)

Dick: God just euthanized it?!

Maddox: Well, yeah, God euthanizes…who knows! Whatever the cause for death is in nature…some other animal's gonna come by and eat its carcass. That's what happens!

Dick: No! No. Wolves do not eat dead animals. They eat…they prey on things.

Maddox: I'm not saying just wolves. Other animals eat dead animals. Vultures.

Dick: Our pets don't!

Maddox: Yeah, of course they do! (incredulous)

Dick: People don't have…unless you're the Addams family, you don't have a vulture as a pet! Look, all I'm saying is…if these people wanna give their pets a better experience when they're eating, what's the big fuckin' deal?

Maddox: Dick, I'll tell you what the big fuckin' deal is.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay? You said that hunger is a big fucking problem, right?

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah, it is!!

Maddox: Well, what if…what if all these affluent dickheads who are buying their pets fancy feasts, instead of spending all that money, that extra money, on their fucking stupid animals, why don't they feed humans who are dying from starvation?

Dick: This is such…this is such horseshit. This argument that "why don't these rich people spend money on the very poor?" Because YOU have just as much responsibility as the very rich to pay for people who are dying of hunger. Like, their money…you don't have access to rich people's money, just because relative to YOU, it's a lot! You still have just as much responsibility as they do!

Maddox: Well…I mean, I do my part, but if I had that much money…if I had enough money to spend on fucking fancy pet food, I would take care of humans first.

Dick: No. However they spend their money is their right. They worked for it…if they wanna splurge and they're making their pets happy, then that's fine.

Maddox: Yeah, you know what, Dick? It's not just rich people. According to…this is a continuation of the New York Times article. They said "They might cut back on a new car or taking a trip around the world, but they won't skimp on their pets, said Tom Neeman, the owner of Fromm Family Foods, a fourth-generation family business in Mequon, Wisconsin. It's not going to happen. Mr. Neeman at Fromm drew on his devoted viewing of Food Network shows in formulating his four-star line of dry food for cats and dogs." Four star. Four-star line. "The grain-free surf and turf for dogs, a culinary voyage in a bag, includes ingredients like wild salmon, duck, chicken, and hand-picked vegetables and fruits."

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: "Wisconsin cheese adds a subtle locavore touch." (Dick laughs) These fucking dogs?! They're feeding them local…locally-grown Wisconsin cheese and hand-picked vegetables? These fucking dumbass animals that wouldn't know shit from a sandwich?!

Dick: Maddox…(Maddox giggles)…that compared to feeding them other euthanized pets and cattle, just dead cattle, bulldozed into a combine with their shit and bones. That is a far superior option. If you have a TINY bit more money to spend on it. Do you know how much it costs to feed a dog? Even if you get the good stuff, it's like 30 bucks a month.

Maddox: No. Good food costs double…at least double…

Dick: That is double.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Feeding a dog is very cheap.

Maddox: Okay, not…not…

Dick: You can feed a dog garbage for like 15, 20 bucks a month.

Maddox: No, not if you're buying them this horseshit! This…and besides, I eat ground up animals all the time. I eat burgers all the time. It's great. I don't give a shit!

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: With a bunch of, like, sodium barbital, or whatever they use at the pound to kill the thing that you're eating?

Maddox: Look, man.

Dick: You would eat…you would eat a burger that had…knowing that the animals in it had been put to death chemically and that the chemicals were still bouncing around inside of them.

Maddox: Uh, yeah. They probably have some process to get rid of the chemicals.

Dick: No.

Maddox: It's probably…yeah, how do you know, Dick?

Dick: Because that's the difference between a food that's able to be consumed by animals and one that's able to be consumed by humans, okay? It's called the 4 D's.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's…um…oh, god. It's…dead, dying, disabled, or diseased.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If an animal is that, you cannot feed it to a human being.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: But you can feed it to a pet.

Maddox: That's because humans find that disgusting, but if you eat a cancerous animal, you're not going to get cancer. You could eat a tumor…

Dick: (Interjects) You don't know that!

Maddox: Yes…I do know that, Dick! (chuckles)

Dick: Eating an animal gives you cancer! Eating more read meat gives you cancer!

Maddox: Sure, Dick. But what doesn't give you cancer?

Dick: (stammers) You know what does?!? MORE CANCER!! (yelling) (Maddox laughs) Other cancers eating…gives you cancer!

Maddox: No, it doesn't! Consuming cancer doesn't give you cancer, Dick. It's not gonna modify your DNA. It doesn't necessarily…

Dick: (Interjects) There is absolutely NO science to back that up.

Maddox: WHY….?!?!?

Dick: We do not know what causes cancer.

Maddox: Dick, the Chinese believed for thousands of years, and they still do, that if you have a problem with your eye, if you eat another animal's eye, you'll have healthier eyes, or if you have a problem with your legs, you eat legs, and you'll have healthier legs. Therefore, if we eat cancer, we'll have cancer. That's stupid! If you digest it, it's not…it's like digesting venom. You're not going to die from digesting venom! It needs to be inside your system. The cancer doesn't get there!

Dick: That's because we know how venom works! We don't know how cancers work.

Maddox: Well, sure we do! The cancer has to infect a cell. It's not going to if you cook it. It's a bunch of dead tissue. It's a bunch of dead carbon.

Dick: Alright Maddox, then why does meat cause cancer?

Maddox: I don't know Dick, and I'm not sure that it does!

Dick: It does! Nah…(laughing)

Maddox: Welll….there's some studies that say it does, some that don't, and I believe that most of them are sponsored by vegetarians, who have an agenda. That's what I believe.

Dick: (scoffs) Hooookay. This is getting conspiracy-y.

Maddox: Does meat cause cancer?! Great. (annoyed) Are all these animals fucking dying left and right? Are they keeling over and dying?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Pets are getting worse diseases. Pets are getting more cancer now.

Maddox: Oh, really? Because that's bullshit. They're living longer than ever and I have the evidence to prove it. I have all these New York Times articles. (giggles) There's another article I wanna mention.

Dick: You can live longer and get more cancer.

Maddox: Well, yeah.

Dick: In fact, they're very related.

Maddox: Well, sure, but they're living longer. That's still the point. They're still living longer. Who says that animals are supposed to live forever? Yeah, they get cancer by living into long age. Maybe that's just a side effect of living a long age! Who knows, man?

Dick: Pfff. (scoffs) Alright.

Maddox: We don't understand what causes cancer. It still happens. Look, there's an article in the New York Times called "For the Dogs Has a Whole New Meaning". It doesn't just stop with pet food, Dick. Now they have Neuticles. Have you heard of these?

Dick: Yeah, I know those. (grins) They're cool.

Maddox: Neuticles. Prosthetic testicles for neutered dogs and cats at about a thousand dollars a pair, which, their designers say, help your pet retain his natural look, self esteem, and aids in the trauma associated with altering. Ohh. They have a device to help with your pet's self esteem. How the FUCK do they know if a pet has self-esteem issues or not?! Who gives a shit? It's a fucking pet! And by the way, can you imagine walking around with a bunch of plastic testicles on you? This is entirely vanity for the owner.

Dick: I was just imagining…I wanna put those on my neck, right? Like, right under my chin. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Neuticles? (giggles)

Dick: Get some Neuticles and put em' right under there?

Maddox: Yeah, you know what it means when you…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that works. That's called peacocking.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (Dick laughs) It's something cocking. You know what…you know what it means if you have balls on your chin, dude. You got a dick in your mouth. Alright, let's…(laughs) go on here….no, it's true! It's a fact. Look it up. (Sean laughs) Okay, so Dick. You said…you said, "Well, let's feed these animals." (silly voice)

Dick: Wait a minute. I wanna get back to the self-esteem thing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what you're talking about, right?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: You don't think dogs have self esteem about their nuts getting chopped off?

Maddox: No, I don't think dogs are self aware. I don't think dogs are that self aware.

Dick: Oh, they are very self aware.

Maddox: About…okay. Not about losing their nuts. They don't know.

Dick: (laughs) I think…I think they might notice their nuts being gone.

Maddox: They don't know, Dick. It's like if you…it's like getting circumcised as a baby. You don't know what it's like to have foreskin. You just don't!

Dick: (giggles) Okay.

Maddox: I don't. Okay, listen to this. So, earlier you're saying, (goofy voice) "Well, you know, uhh…"

Dick: (interjects) I don't sound like that.

Maddox: (laughs) This is exactly what you sound like.

Dick: If you're gonna impersonate me, at least do, like, a nasally pompous asshole voice. Don't give me, like, a week femmy voice.

Maddox: Alright, here we go. "Cowabunga, dudes!" (Sean laughs)

Dick: That's closer.

Maddox: (Dick imitation) "So why don't we feed our dogs…"

Dick: (cracks up) That's good.

Maddox: "Healthier food? Because they're gettin' too much cancer!"

Dick: You gotta make it…you gotta, like, make it slower, and like, act like you know what you're talking about, too. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That was too excited.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Well, here's some actual research, Dick. (Dick guffaws) "Are our pets healthier for all of this?" Right? You're saying that it makes them healthier to feed them better food, right? "Tony Buffington, a professor of veterinary nutrition at Ohio State University says that his students have studied the diet history of thousands of animals and have not yet determined that one pet food is better than another. "We have been unable to distinguish an outcome in healthy animals eating a wide variety of foods", he says. Asked about the variety at megastores like Petco, he says, "I don't even go in there anymore. I wouldn't know where to start." And he adds that if you put all of them in a plain, brown paper bag, you'd probably be fine with any one of them." So Dick, there's no evidence that ANY of this expensive fucking bullshit is helping dogs live any longer.

Dick: 'Cause of Tony Buffington?

Maddox: Yeah. Tony Buffington said it.

Dick: Tony Buffington and the Buffettes? What Vegas lounge is he performing at next?

Maddox: No. No, no. (Sean laughs)

Dick: That guy sounds like he knows nothing about dog food.

Maddox: Yeah, except that he's a professor of veterinary nutrition at Ohio State University.

Dick: Oh, please.

Maddox: What are you a professor of? (Dick laughs) Jack shit. There…now…and it doesn't end there…

Dick: (interjects) That study doesn't prove shit!

Maddox: You don't prove shit, Dick! You keep, like denouncing studies with no evidence! (angry) You're just, like. "No, blablabla. That's stupid."

Dick: Eating…eating animals that are full of poison and cancer is not good for you.

Maddox: (sighs) Dick…

Dick: You wouldn't do it. Humans don't do it…so, what? You would do it?

Maddox: Dick, an animal's physiology is totally different. Animals eat raw foods with tons of bacteria, E.Coli, all that shit, it doesn't bother them.

Dick: Mhmm. (skeptical)

Maddox: But it bothers us! You can't say that one thing that effects us is going to be the completely same for an animal.

Dick: Well, then how about I say this. Animals do prefer other food. They prefer different types of food, right?

Maddox: Yeah, they prefer locavore. Right?

Dick: What is locavore?

Maddox: Local…a locavore is somebody who eats locally grown, organic…

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. I'm being serious.

Maddox: Sustainable…I'm being serious, too. This is what…

Dick: (interjects) They prefer human food. Like, if you give a dog regular dog food and then dangle some chicken next to it, it will go apeshit for the chicken. Right?

Maddox: Dick, but you're not accounting for the possibility that the dog sees you eating and enjoying that same food and wants what you're enjoying.

Dick: You're not even gonna say that a dog prefers human food, like a cooked chicken breast, over kibble.

Maddox: I dunno, Dick. I tried to feed a dog some onions once. It didn't like it.

Dick: You…you need a dog. (Maddox laughs) You have no fucking…you tried to feed a dog onions and grapes, right? And they didn't like them.

Maddox: Onions, grapes, and chocolate. The dog wouldn't eat it.

Dick: No, you're speaking from someone who does not and has not ever had a dog. Right?

Maddox: Yeah, so?

Dick: So.

Maddox: I had a dog for a week. It was cool.

Dick: You had a dog for a week. What did you feed it, charcoal?

Maddox: No, I just went to the store and bought the cheapest of whatever bullshit, and the dog ate is happily. The dog doesn't fucking know. It's a dog. Hey dog, what do you think of this food? (Goofy idiot voice) "I dunno, blablabla." It doesn't talk. It can't tell me anything. It can barely fucking emote. Oh, its tail's wagging? Guess it's happy. Whatever.

Dick: It can BARELY emote?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Dogs are very expressive.

Maddox: Oh, they drool.

Dick: We've been…we've been friends with them for a hundred thousand years! You don't think that there's any…(Maddox cracks up) symbiosis between…

Maddox: Get out of here, being friends with dogs.

Dick: No, that's true! That's true. They've been running…

Maddox: Great. Oh, awesome.

Dick: We've been, like, pack hunters with dogs for 100,000 years.

Maddox: Mmm. Great.

Sean: Wait, wait, wait. What happened to the dog after a week?

Dick: He ate it.

Maddox: Oh, I…no, I guess it finally ate the onions. No, the dog was lost and I returned it to its owner. So listen to this. It doesn't end with the fucking gourmet dog food.

Dick: Was it happy to see its owner?

Maddox: I can't fucking tell. Dogs just wag. I guess it's happy. Sure, whatever. (Dick cracks up) I mean, the dog's always fucking wagging its tail and panting. It's always fucking happy. How can I tell?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, listen to this. It doesn't end with the fucking gourmet pet food, Dick. It just never fucking ends! Now, there are eco-friendly pieces of furniture. This is a continuation of the New York Times article. "Grooming Products and Wipes. The wipes, made from organically-grown bamboo. An Israeli firm hawks dog shampoo containing Dead Sea minerals." Dead Sea minerals! In dog shampoo. "Another, Pet Pop of Australia, promotes a vitamin-infused mountain spring water for dogs. The price, 3.30$ per bottle, about as much as a gallon of milk." You're giving your fucking dumbass dog vitamin-infused spring water from a mountain?!? (incredulous) Fuck off!!! (scoffs)

Dick: Well, yeah. That's a little extreme.

Maddox: Yeah. That's bullshit, man! (stammers) So, you're saying all these people are dying, and they're hungry, and we're giving our dogs fucking Dead Sea minerals in their shampoo? That's what we're spending our money on?

Dick: Yeah. You got a TV, Maddox? You could be using that to feed hungry people, too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Since you're giving out other people's money.

Maddox: But everybody has a TV, Dick. These aren't exorbitant things…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, EVERYBODY!! Alllllright.

Maddox: Everybody has a TV! You know. These aren't exorbitant things I'm spending my money on. Not like dog shampoo. I'm not shampooing…it's just…it's just…(stammers) It's rubbing it in their faces.

Dick: Whose faces?

Maddox: Poor people.

Dick: It's rubbing it in poor people's faces that they want to give their dog a cupcake?

Maddox: No, not a cupcake, Dick. Well, yeah, a cupcake, and fancy dog shampoo, and mountain spring water with vitamins.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's so stu…(Dick laughs) The dog…a dog that would be just as happy licking out of a toilet with shit particles in it. Listen to this, Dick. I have a question.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Isn't it about time dogs, dog owners, and high-end dog food manufacturers took a long, hard break to reflect on just how much they need to fuck off? (Dick laughs) Right, Dick? Isn't it about time everybody just took a break for a minute? This is a continuation of that article. They said, "We actually saw that there was a gap in the market for beverages for dogs.", says Bonnie Senior, a manager at the company. Then, there's Jen Moore, who says she combined her love of dogs and love of candles to create Sniff Pet Candles, made of 100% organic, natural ingredients.

Dick: Yeah. (chuckles)

Maddox: The aromatherapy candles have names like "Day in the Hamptons" and "Field of Dreams" and promote your dog's optimum health and well-being, her company says.

Dick: (cracks up) I don't…yeah…

Maddox: What crock of horse shit is this?!? Aromatherapy for your fucking dog?! How about fucking wet dog fur scent, huh? How about fire hydrant piss scent for a candle?

Dick: That they like.

Maddox: Yeah, they would like that.

Dick: They do like that.

Maddox: Yeah! A dog would love "Another Dog's Asshole" candle. How's that?

Dick: But you see, that's like vinyl, Maddox. You can't just make…you can't make a fragrance like "Other Dog's Asshole" that's as rich as a real dog's asshole. It would be synthesized.

Maddox: Oh my God, Dick. (Sean and Dick laugh). What is the phile? You know what? You're a Dog's Ass-Phile, that's what you are. You know Dick, you know what really pisses me off about this? The disingenuousness of it all. They are deluding people!

Dick: Who's deluding who?

Maddox: They think that they're…the companies are deluding people with these products. They think that it's for the dogs, but it's not. It's for the consumer.

Dick: Well, yeah.

Maddox: Well, if you are buying something…then where does altruism come in!? If you're doing something nice for your pet, then why don't you just actually do something nice for your pet rather than buy into this bullshit and delude yourself into thinking you are? Because you're not. The pet doesn't know what the Hamptons are. The pet doesn't know…"Field of Dreams"? What the fuck?! (stammers) Try explaining to a dog…

Dick: (interjects) Smells the nice smells, you mean?

Maddox: What is it…

Dick: (interjects) You don't think the pets like the nice smells?

Maddox: No, I don't.

Dick: That they're smelling?

Maddox: No. I think that it's probably too caustic and offensive to the pet. Pets have very sensitive sense of smell, right?

Dick: Mmright.

Maddox: So if you have any kind of candle that we can sense? It's probably way too powerful for a pet.

Dick: I don't know. I heard somewhere that our sense of smells, I mean, this is unrelated, that it's similar to dogs'.

Maddox: Yeah. Well.

Dick: That they just have less senses, so they have to rely on it more. I dunno. It's not important.

Maddox: So from http://www.sciencedaily.com, there's an article that says, "Dog Food Goes Gourmet - Nine Emerging Trends in Pet Food". Listen to this, Dick. Four out of five pet owners now consider their pets a member of their family and consumers are shifting their priorities when it comes to purchasing food for their pets accordingly. 10.4 billion dollars out of 26 billion total is spent on premium pet food, and natural pet food sales are over 4.1 billion dollars, Dick.

Dick: Yeah, they are a member of your family.

Maddox: What, dogs?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: Because.

Maddox: What do you mean, they're a member of your family?! No, they're not. They don't have a passport!

Dick: They have an individual personality. They care for you. You care for them. You have a relationship with them.

Maddox: Oh, my god.

Dick: They're not interchangeable! I know you hate…I know that dogs are a problem to you, but they're unique entities! They have personality.

Maddox: Yeah…(angry)

Dick: They LEARN to be amongst you. You can teach them. You can train them. They comfort you!

Maddox: Oh, yeah. You know what?

Dick: They do everything that a family member should!!!!

Maddox: Really? Drive you to the hospital? No, they fucking can't! (Sean laughs) Gonna give you…can they give you a massage? Huh? A rubdown? They can't do that shit. They can't help you with your homework. They can't make spaghetti!

Dick: Help you with your homework?! (laughing, incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. Hey, I'm making spaghetti over here! Why don't you chop the basil, dipshit?! (goofy voice) "I'm a dog!!" Of course they can't. They can't do shit!

Dick: No. They only do the unimportant things, like comfort you, right?

Maddox: You know what? Yeah.

Dick: And have a relationship with you.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh. Anything can comfort you, man! Books comfort me! You know what, Dick? (Dick laughs) I have never been bit by someone's mom or aunt. (Sean laughs)

Dick: I have.

Maddox: Or child. (him and Dick crack up) I've never gone over to someone's house and been afraid that their daughter might bite me.

Dick: You're afraid of dogs? (grins)

Maddox: Well, well…well. You know, depends on her age. But, dogs…I've been bit by so many dogs. Dogs bite me all the fucking time!

Dick: I can see why. They probably see that you're an asshole! (Maddox laughs) We gotta get that guy! Dogs are a member of the family, dude. You gotta realize that.

Maddox: That's stupid. Fine.

Dick: How is it stupid?

Maddox: That's stupid. If you think your dog's a…okay, look. If it's a member of your family, then it should have its own zip code and its own address.

Dick: What?! What do you mean?!

Maddox: And its own phone number! It's not a fucking person, dude! That's why dogs are considered property.

Dick: Look, it's not an equal member of your family, but…

Maddox: (interjects) Eeeeeeexactly.

Dick: But it's certainly a member of your family.

Maddox: Great, Dick. I wish we had that other recording. You said some other shit.

Dick: What did I say?

Maddox: Alright, here we go…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean?

Maddox: Oh, you know what Dick…(stammers)

Dick: (interjects) What did I say? Just say it! I…

Maddox: I remember you…I think you said the opposite. I think you said that dogs weren't a member of your family.

Dick: No! I…

Maddox: (Interjects) You were astonished by the number!

Dick: I grew up with dogs!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: What do you mean, they're not a member of the family. They're very important. There's a real sense of loss when they're gone or when they die, or when they're in trouble.

Maddox: Yeah. I also have a sense of loss when I lose my cell phone. That doesn't mean it's my fucking family member. (Sean laughs) It can't give me a massage. It can't drive me to the hospital.

Dick: All of your…all of your qualifications for what it takes to be a family member are things they can do for YOU, by the way.

Maddox: Yeah. What's your…

Dick: (interjects) You got anything else, like, that's maybe a little back and forth?

Maddox: Yeah. What…what do I do for my family members?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't know, man, I'm not that close. (Dick and Maddox crack up) Alright, Dick.

Dick: And your numbers are dog shit.

Maddox: No…

Dick: Because, what did you say? People spend 10.6 billion on dog food?

Maddox: 10.4 billion dollars out of 26 billion total spent on premium dog food. And 4…..

Dick: (interjects) No, just the one number. How much are they spending overall?

Maddox: Overall, 26 billion.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And that was according to 2012 statistics.

Dick: Lemme tell you how worthless that is in the grand scheme of things. We're throwing away 165 billion dollars' worth of food every year.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Throw…that goes in the TRASH. We're spending…

Maddox: Dick, no, that's not entirely true. That's sometimes…that's also food that gets put into silos because it's subsidized and then that gets tossed out. That's not something like table scraps we're just throwing away every day.

Dick: Those are worthless. That's not included in this figure. This is, like, food that's ready to be consumed that we just tank.

Maddox: Nah, I don't know about that. I mean, possibly, but I don't think it's that high.

Dick: Okay, well…either way. It's way, way more than the 26 billion we're spending to feed man's best friend.

Maddox: Oh yeah, Dick? Well this 4.1 billion that we're spending on natural pet food sales. Here's how much that is, kay? Here's the GDP of countries less than the amount Americans spend on natural pet food. The Netherlands, Fiji, Liberia. The British Virgin Islands. Dominica. These are countries that don't even make as much money as we PISS AWAY on fucking cupcakes for dogs.

Dick: How much are you spending on video games there, Maddox? How much do we spend every year on fucking video games over here?

Maddox: Me? I dunno.

Dick: You don't think that's exactly the same as gourmet dog food?

Maddox: No. Not at all.

Dick: Oh, 'cause you enjoy video games and these people enjoy buying their pets fancy treats.

Maddox: Dick! Video games enrich my life…(Dick chuckles) and potentially cause me to become a better person!

Dick: Ohohohohohoh!! (laughing)

Maddox: Cupcakes…

Dick: (interjects) Dark Souls does not make you a better person, dude!

Maddox: Oh, yes it does, buddy!!!

Dick: It makes you a huge fuckin' asshole! (Dick and Maddox crack up) You scream at 13-year-old kids when you're playing that game! Don't give me that shit, "It makes you a better person." It makes you awful!

Maddox: Yeah! Better player, better person! (Dick cracks up) You know what? At least video games can enrich my vocabulary. Can increase my hand-eye coordination. Can increase my…

Dick: Oh! You need all that when you're spear fishing, right? To feed hungry people?

Maddox: You know what, Dick? At least video games have that POTENTIAL to enrich lives! Cupcakes for dogs have only one potential, and that's to turn into shit. That's all that they do. You're buying something that dogs convert to poop!

Dick: You don't think dogs enrich people's lives, do you? Do you?

Maddox: Yeah, of course they do.

Dick: Oh, they do.

Maddox: I do believe that, yes.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. I do believe that. That doesn't mean I'm gonna fucking give it a fucking platter of goose liver! Fuck off, dog! You can eat whatever…dogs are animals that eat COUCHES and SHOES and fucking tennis balls!

Dick: They eat…well, they do that when they're acting out. The couches and the shoes shit.

Maddox: Dick, you don't know what a dog is doing. You don't know the psychology of a dog! (yells) (Dick cracks up) You don't know if a dog has low self esteem or high self esteem. You barely know shit about a dog! You're not a fucking dog. Dogs can't communicate. You can't even ask it any questions.

Dick: They can communicate! (yells)

Maddox: No. Oh, my God.

Dick: They can communicate, big time.

Maddox: Yeah. Pffffff, oh, big time! (splutters) Listen to this, Dick. 79%...(Dick cracks up) 79% of pet owners…

Dick: (interjects) You're like Jungle Jack Hannah if he was retarded. (Sean cracks up)

Maddox: (sighs) I'm getting those ANGER sweats! (Dick cracks up) Oh, I just wanna to rip my dick off right now. (Sean laughs) Listen to this, Dick. 79% of pet owners said the quality of their pet's food is as important as their own.

Dick: Wait, what? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. 79%, 4 out of 5 people think their DOG's pet food…their pet food is as important as their own food.

Dick: Yeah, but you know what? See, you come in with these stats. When I hear stats like that, like on TV, I always wanna know what they asked. Because if they asked…you can ask different questions and get the…

Maddox: Oh, my God.

Dick: Like, if you say, "Is the quality of your food important?" And I said, "Yes." And they say, "Okay, is the quality of your pet's food important?" and I say, "Yes." You do that enough times…that's that. That means, "Oh, this person must think that their pet's food quality is as important as theirs.

Maddox: Welcome to the Masterson Factor. All-Spin Zone! (Dick cracks up) Here we go.

Dick: You haven't heard that? That you can ask whatever you want to get the answer you want?

Maddox: Yeah, of course, Dick. But do you really think that there's some nefarious fucking lobby trying to figure that out? Trying to make it sound like dog food owners…dog owners think that their pets' food is as important as theirs? Why would anyone ask some stupid fucking horseshit question to make it sound like that result?

Dick: I don't know, if you're trying to sell dog food? Wouldn't you wanna make people think that most people are as concerned about the quality of their dog food as their own food?

Maddox: Well, possibly.

Dick: That'd be a hell of a way to sell dog food.

Maddox: True, Dick, but that doesn't discount the possibility that actual dipshits think this. And I think that there are a lot of actual dipshits out there. Now, there's also a Paleo Diet. "…Has created a new sector of ancestral foods, reflective of earlier diets of canines and felines that are focused on the high-quality proteins and grains in pet food." Now, they have a Paleo Diet for fucking dumbass dogs.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: Can you believe this shit?

Dick: It sounds silly, but, I dunno that it's…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'd rather feed them a Paleo Diet than poisoned other pets.

Maddox: Yeah, you know what, Dick? I know one of these people. This girl on Facebook, I used to see, she used to post nothing but fucking dog, dog, dog, dog, dog. And then she finally chilled on the dog pictures, and now she posts pictures of the dog food that she feeds her dogs. (Dick cackles) And guess what it is? Fucking steak. Every day, it's New York steak, flank, rib eye, brisket. She…her entire kitchen counter is filled with raw meats! And by the way, Dick, you're wrong…you're saying that dogs don't eat other dead animals? She fucking feeds her dog a steak! Raw steak, every day!

Dick: I'm saying they don't eat other dead carcasses in the wild.

Maddox: (stammers)

Dick: That's not what they do, they hunt.

Maddox: Dick. Have you ever driven through the desert? Like, okay. I'm just getting…

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Okay, great. This isn't going to be a rhetorical question.

Dick: (laughing) Yeah, I love those!

Maddox: When I was driving to Area 51 back in…

Dick: Wait a minute, what?! (laughing, incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. This is a whole story. So I'll just…I'll talk about Area 51 another time.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: But I was driving to Area 51 a long time ago. And I remember we were driving down this trail, and there were all these, like, dead animals, that people had hit before us. And we got down to as far as we could, like, close to the base, and there was some security and all this other shit. We had to be turned around. On our way back, all the dead animals were gone. Do you think there were vultures out there at midnight? This was, by the way, like, 2-3 in the morning. Vultures aren't out there hunting for these carcasses. Coyotes…

Dick: (interjects) I'll tell you…I'll tell you what it was.

Maddox: Coyotes, foxes…what?

Dick: It was aliens.

Maddox: Okay. Aliens are eating dead carcasses.

Dick: Area 51. (giggles)

Maddox: I am just so fucking mad! I'm scrunching my notes here! (Dick cracks up) I'm so mad! Listen to this. This is my last point here I wanna say. "The top drivers of sales in pet foods include adding excitement to the pets' diets via flavors, gravies, lookalike human recipes, and meal-specific food, such as appetizers and breakfast."

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: They're giving their fucking dogs appetizers? You don't need to give a dog appetizers! Guess what? Dogs are always fucking hungry! They'll eat anything.

Dick: Would you give them a treat? Would you ever give your dog a treat if you had one?

Maddox: If it was a good dog.

Dick: Eh, it's fun! It's fun to treat them. It's fun to reward them.

Maddox: It's fun to beat suckers in Dark Souls. (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's so much more fun. And by the way, when I'm done with Dark Sores…I…(stammers) Dark Souls, not Dark Sores. (laughs) When I'm done with the game, I turn it off and go to sleep. I don't have to worry about it whining. I don't have to worry about the neighbors calling because my Dark Souls is barking too loud. My Dark Souls game never bites anybody who comes to visit!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My Dark Souls game doesn't shit everywhere! I don't have to carry around bags of shit with me, and I sure as shit don't have to buy it fancy fucking cupcakes!! (yelling, angry) It just works!!

Dick: And you can take it to the park…(Maddox laughs) And all the girls come around and say, "Wow, your Dark Souls game is really beautiful."

Maddox: See? Agenda! You always have this angle! You're always calculating!

Dick: It's not an agenda! It's a thing…it's, you know, a community thing!

Maddox: Oh, community thing. (jeering)

Dick: You can meet people and go places…(grins)

Maddox: Oh, my gosh, Dick.

Dick: It's fun to have a dog!

Maddox: There it is! There's the REASON you like your dog. It's chicks!

Dick: Look, it's…it's fun to have a dog. And it's fun to treat them. So why not…what's so wrong about giving them a little more? If you've got the dough?

Maddox: It just seems exorbitant, Dick. If you had...fewer dogs in this world, there would be more money in people's pockets. People are avoiding buying CARS because they're spending it on cupcakes for their dogs!

Dick: So why do they have to buy cars? (incredulous)

Maddox: Because it stimulates the economy, dickhead!

Dick: So does this!

Maddox: Awwwwwwwwww!! (yelling) It doesn't!

Dick: How does it not!? (incredulous) It's buying something!

Maddox: It's just going into the pockets of wealthy dipshits in Wisconsin who are making shampoo out of Dead Sea minerals!!!

Dick: Not like…not like the dipshits that own, like, Ford and GM that are just doing…they're all altruism, right?

Maddox: Hey, man. I got a bunch of friends in Michigan who would like to have a word with you. Who are out of jobs.

Dick: Well.

Maddox: Good, hard-working Americans. Out of manufacturing jobs, because everyone's lost their fucking minds and they're making fucking dog biscuits and pancakes for fucking animals that would be happy eating shit out of a gutter. Dogs don't know shit from sushi, dude! (Dick scoffs) And we're wasting all this money on 'em! (angry)

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Yeah! That we could SOLVE hunger with.

Dick: Well.

Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe. Dog food. Gourmet dog food.

Dick: Maybe you're right.

Maddox: I think it's bigger than AIDS. I think it's bigger than hunger.

Dick: We could ship all this gourmet dog food overseas, I guess. It never goes bad.

Maddox: (sighs)

Dick: Right? Oh, is that offensive?

Maddox: No!

Dick: That I wanna cure hunger by letting people eat…

Maddox: (laughs) Dog food?

Dick: Gourmet food?

Maddox: Yeah. A little bit. You know what, Dick?

Dick: That is…you know what, it is offensive. If I would come out to the UN and say, "Everybody, I got it figured out. I got all the dog food companies to donate 20 barges of dog food. I'm gonna send it all over to Africa and Asia. Hunger solved." I think I would get lynched.

Maddox: Yeah, I think so too.

Dick: For saying that.

Maddox: I think so, too. That's really, umm…uh, you know what, though, Dick, on that note. I walked into a Petco one time and I saw all this fancy fucking dog food. It looked like cookies. They looked so good. I started salivating. It looked really good!

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: This dog food. It looked like a chocolate chip cookie and I wanted to eat one.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So I go up to the lady when I'm buying…I forget what I'm buying. I think it was, like, a lizard or something. And I went up to the lady, um…(Dick laughs)

Dick: How old were you?

Maddox: Uh, this is like a year ago. A couple years ago.

Dick: Okay. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: So I went up the lady and I said…

Dick: (interjects) I thought it was, like, 12 or 13.

Maddox: (laughs) No. No, this is really recent. I went up to the lady when I was checking out, and I said, "Hey, have you ever tried the dog food?" and she goes, "No." And I said, "Come on." And she goes, "Yeah." (grinning) (laughs) I knew it! 'Cause it looks too good!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I asked her, "How does it taste?" and she goes, "Uh, it tastes just like a really, really, dull, plain, like, sugarless biscuit."

Dick: Yeah. It doesn't taste like a cupcake.

Maddox: Exactly. So why are we spending all this fucking time, energy, and resources on this? You know, we could probably have solved nuclear fusion if it weren't for gourmet dog food, with all that time and energy and resources we're spending? Scientists are working around the clock, Dick, to find new and fascinating ways to make dog food look more like human food.

Dick: Yeah. They're also working pretty hard on Dark Souls 3. (Maddox giggles) So are you gonna trade? Are you gonna stop…are you gonna throw that away if you have to throw away the gourmet dog food? It just seems a little arbitrary to me, that you don't like their thing, but you wanna keep your thing.

Maddox: This isn't even a joke. I think I'm getting hives because of this episode. (Dick cracks up) Alright, Dick. What was your problem this week?

Dick: My problems this week were "Sean Deleted the Podcast".

Sean: Oh, fuck you! (in the background) (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: Sean, can that not happen again?

Sean: I promise nothing. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah, good answer, buddy! I love it.

Dick: Unbelievable.

Maddox: And uhh…and my problem this week was "Gourmet Dog Food". The real problem..

Dick: No, my problem was "Hunger".

Maddox: Yeah, what…oh, yeah. You had two problems!

Dick: Yeah. I had two problems. "Sean Deleted the Podcast"…

Maddox: "Sean Deleted the Podcast", and "Hunger". And then mine was "Gourmet Dog Food". And guys, don't forget to vote on these problems. We have the live show coming up on December 19^th! We're gonna record that and put it online for people who can't attend.

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: If you're a pedophile, go to http://www.virped.org. Uh, don't forget to vote again, and uh, thanks for listening!

Dick: Thanks guys.