The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 29
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey! What's up buddy, how's it goin'?
Maddox: Hey Dick, so we had a big week for YOU, didn't we?? (Dick cackles)
Maddox: Yeah. So not the winner, but uh, the one that got the most votes...was Airline Surcharges.
Maddox: No big deal.
Maddox: No big deal. Yeah, so what? No big deal.
Dick: Wait, Airline Surcharges got the most votes? (surprised)
Maddox: Yeah. Airline Surcharges.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused) Why...why "huh"? What do you got there, Dick?
Dick: It reminds me of something.
Dick: Yeah, it reminds me of a song that I heard. [plays his "Maddox Lost" song]
Maddox: Okay. (annoyed) (Dick bursts out laughing)
(drums and electric guitar)
Dick (singing): Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! 'CAUSE HIS PROBLEMS FUCKIN' SUCK! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! ...
Maddox: (yelling over song) FUCK you, Dick! I'm so fuckin' tired of this song!! I'm tired of this SHIT!
Dick (singing): ...Diiiiiiiiiiick is the winner!
Maddox: NO RESPECT!
(song plays out with more drums and guitar)
Dick: All the way, you gotta let it go all the way! [song finally ends] The song has to be played all the way every time.
Maddox: No, BULLSHIT. That's bullshit!
Dick: I don't know, man! If you're so tired of that song, you better bring in some better problems!
Maddox: You know, Dick? Uhh...yeah, you uh, you won! You won. That was, uh, that was a real...real good problem. Um, but before we continue, I would just like to play a new segment that I have. (slyly)
Maddox: Yeah! Here's...here's this new segment. 'Cause uh, that's -- that problem you brought in sounded familiar. Here's my segment. [plays intro ]
(dreamlike harp glissandos)
Deep Male Voice: I Liked It Better When...
Maddox: Yeah! "I Liked It Better When...". So, on my YouTube show I have a segment called "I Liked It Better When..." and it's essentially a segment that I bring in that...when I hear something that sounds familiar, I say "Well, I liked it better when so-and-so said it first." Here is something I said in our first bonus episode; let's see if this, uh, if you recall this. [plays clip from Bonus Episode 1]
Maddox: Airlines, buddy.
Maddox: Now you can pay a premium to check in first - 15 dollars. Check luggage, 25 dollars. You can pay a premium for extra leg room. 50 dollars. You can pay a premium for EXTRA extra leg room. 75 dollars! You can pay a premium for first class. 1000 dollars. And it never fucking ends! And guess what? Peanuts are a premium, WATER is a premium! That's the industry you've created, Dick! (yelling) That's the industry this BULLSHIT-ass solution has created! It's a PROBLEM, and I'm calling you on it!!
Maddox: Yeah, I called you on it, Dick! (yelling angrily) And then here's what you brought in last episode! Listen to this.
Dick: Uh-huh. Go ahead.
[Maddox plays clip from Episode 28]
Dick: Look, my point is...pay for bags? Now you're gonna be payin' for seats, you're gonna be paying for cabin pressure, you're gonna be paying for every little oxygen molecule that you get to breathe...
Maddox: Yeah! So I'm sorry, Dick, I'm going to have to call shenanigans! *I* am the winner from the last episode! That was MY problem, baby!! (gloating loudly) WOOOO! ('ding!' sound effect) Winner! (clapping sound effect) I'm the best.
Dick: Yeah...you're just...you're like that guy who carries the ball to the 99th yard line and then just fumbles it right out of bounds.
Maddox: Yeah. Is that what it is?
Dick: You shoulda just brought it in, then!
Maddox: Dick, I DID -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, instead of...instead of SNAKES. (stammers) Was that a problem? How did Snakes do last week? (teasing)
Maddox: Snakes? Yeah, speakin' of snakes, Dick -- the person who snaked my problem from me -- you know, Snakes...yeah! Snakes got dead last, 'cause everyone's an IDIOT. But YOU'RE the biggest snake, Dick! (growling) [plays sound clip from Metal Gear Solid]
(dramatic synthesizer string music)
Colonel Campbell: Snaaaake? SNAAAAAAKE!
[sound clip ends]
Maddox: (laughs) From Metal Gear Solid! You remember?
Dick: No! I don't -- what is that?
Maddox: What a fuckin' NON-nerd! (Dick laughs loudly) What an asshole. Yeah, Snakes! I can't believe you guys voted down Snakes! (angrily) You don't think snakes are a problem?! I hope you all get bit by snakes, right in the throat. You MORONS.
Dick: Somebody also brought up that snakes eat rodents.
Maddox: Yeah, so what??
Dick: You remember rodents? They cause...what was that? Oh yeah, the BLACK PLAGUE.
Maddox: Great. So do cats!
Maddox: Cats eat rodents too, buddy.
Dick: No, cats...are you gonna be bringing in cats this episode?
Maddox: Well, hehehey, spoiler! (chuckling) Spoilers, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Yeah, I can't believe you guys voted down Snakes. And then, after that was Not Enough Black Friday Violence. That was actually a good one.
Dick: Yeah! And there wasn't enough this year, either. (Maddox smirks) I was watchin' that site, Black Friday Violence Counter, whatever it was? [ http://blackfridaydeathcount.com/]
Dick: And there wasn't a lot of violence this year either. I guess it's, uh, I guess it's over.
Maddox: You know -
Dick: We're tired of Black Friday.
Maddox: You know, Dick? Uh, congratulations for snaking that problem from me that was absolutely, BLATANTLY theft!
Maddox: I'm going to -- you know, let the records reflect that that was my problem I brought in during your solution! Because YOU said -
Dick: (over Maddox) Yeah, but you didn't...
Maddox: - surcharges were a solution, buddy, and they're NOT!
Dick: You didn't do...first of all, no. (Maddox laughs) And you didn't do all the research that I did. You didn't do all that investigative journalism that I did. (wryly)
Maddox: Yeah... (laughing)
Dick: Digging for, like, laws that were -- like, the Department of Transportation laws that were passed, and the House laws, and whatever other stuff that I did?
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) Yeah, Dick! That was IMPROMPTU! I did that off the top of my...off the top of my head! That was shootin' from the hip! (Dick laughs)
Dick: Well, Maddox, put a little more research into it next time. (taunting)
Maddox: (screaming over Dick) IT WASN'T A PROBLEM!!
Dick: And then you, too, can be a winner. (laughs)
Maddox: THAT WAS DURING YOUR SOLUTION! I was trying to shoot down your BULLSHIT-ass solution! (Dick keeps laughing) I called you on it, buddy! (snapping) Listen, I got a comment. From CJ Canton.
Maddox: He says, "Dick did really well this episode, great problems, well thought-out, good use of argument and reason, and yes very funny. Except for that part about being against holidays for workers..." (Dick laughs) "...what a fucking limp-dick, gutless, spineless, brainless, low-life piece of filthy worker-hating gangrenous pond scum."
Maddox: [comment continues] "Go fuck yourself Dick, workers deserve time off. By the way - " (Dick laughs harder) " - [at] 34:02: 'A little Dick tip for ya.' - Dick Masterson. Ya, bet it's not just the tip but the whole thing that's tiny Dick. Go masturbate with sweatshop tears and the blood of the children that work in them." Yeah, Dick!
Dick: I guess I, uh, I raised alotta ire with my stance on private organizations being able to arrange contracts between private individuals.
Dick: (interjects) I guess that's SHOCKING in today's climate. (chuckling derisively)
Maddox: Yeah. You bet your ass it is, Dick. 'Cause here's the thing: you kind of made it sound -- you had such a smug stance about it, too. (Dick laughs) You said...you said, "Oh, well, why don't you just get a better job?" Well, I got a comment from Ashleigh Morris, a listener. She says, "I just hate when people automatically look down on people who work retail and say, 'Well, if you don't like it, then better yourself!' Okay! Well, the only reason I'm working retail again is because I have given up my entire life to take care of my dying sister who is dying from cancer. So not everyone really has a fuckin' choice to work retail. You know, Dick? That really makes my blood boil."
Dick: Hey, I said "sorry"! (Maddox laughs loudly) What do you...what do you want me to do?
Maddox: NON-APOLOGY, I'm callin' you on it! (shouting) (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: If I could...if I could cure cancer, I would! (Maddox scoffs) For free!
Maddox: Oh, great, Dick. (chuckling) What a humanitarian.
Dick: I would just spend all day putting -- laying my hands on people who were vexed by the curse of cancer and wiping it away from them, but I can't!
Maddox: Yeah. And then they -
Dick: (interjects) I can shop on Black Friday! And help you pay for whatever you gotta pay for.
Dick: That's what I can do.
Maddox: While you smugly look down on the retail workers. "Oh, why don't you just get a better job?" (stupid voice) You can't always get a better job. 'Cause sometimes you're there, you have to move on a WHIM, you move to a shitty city, you get in some financial downtrodden position, you have to work a shitty retail job, and you deserve a little bit of time off, which you CAN'T get.
Dick: Yeah. It's easy for you to say. It doesn't cost you anything to say that. (Maddox smirks) I would like to remind you of that. (smiling)
Maddox: And what does it cost you to say what you just said, Dick? (about to laugh)
Dick: Hey, I'm just -- just because I, uh...just because I'm describing what REALITY is, people get all bent outta shape!
Maddox: Yeah. Great.
Dick: Like, sorry! Life dealt you a bunch of lemons, now you gotta suck 'em.
Dick: (stammers) I'm SORRY.
Maddox: Thanks, Dick. That...
Maddox: ...I'm sure that comforts a lot of people who had to work Black Friday.
Dick: I'm not TRYING to!
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: I got one, uh...I got a comment from a guy, David Arbec, who -- he's got this huge comment about what an asshole I am. (Maddox chuckles) But then he says, "Stores like Walmart and customers are the reason I went on a hate-filled quest for better education. Not everyone may have that chance though." So I guess he kind of agrees with, uh...whoever.
Maddox: "Hate-filled"?? What's he, what's that...what's that in reference to?
Dick: Well, he hated Walmart and he hated the hours and the working conditions so much that he went on a hate-filled quest for an education.
Maddox: Ohhhh, I see. Yeah yeah yeah.
Maddox: Uh, you know. That's, uh, that's the...that's the beautiful story; that's the ideal scenario, is you hate your job and you go better yourself. (mocking) But, you know, not everyone can. Some people -
Dick: (over Maddox) Yeah, but...
Maddox: - have mental disorders, some people have physical disabilities, some people have medical bills that they didn't foresee!
Dick: Like all the fuckin' people working Black Friday had all these INSANE conditions?? No! Mostly, people are stuck in positions they hate 'cause they watch Netflix every night. (derisively)
Dick: That's what they're doing.
Dick: (interjects) That's the NORM.
Dick: Okay? If all the people who COULD get a better position in life DID, then all the people who were left over would get more money. 'Cause there wouldn't be as many of them.
Maddox: Yeah, that's the One-Percenter narrative, buddy! (sneering)
Dick: It's not MY fuckin' fault!
Maddox: Yeah, it's...that's the One-Percenter narrative! (Dick scoffs) You say, "Oh, you wanna work hard...if you work hard, you can get -- you can become a millionaire, you can become a billionaire!" But you can't; there isn't enough money to go around, buddy.
Dick: Look -
Maddox: (interjects) Some -- the people at the top are stayin' at the top, and they're hoarding all the money.
Dick: I'm not here to teach you about Reaganomics. (Maddox laughs heartily) Alright?
Maddox: Great, Dick. (sarcastic)
Dick: I got a...I got some voicemails for ya.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Yeah. Here's one about your, uh -- here's one about your...your great, uh, Snakes problem from last time.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
[Dick plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail: Maddox. I emailed you EIGHT years ago asking you to write about snakes, and your reply was, quote, "...And? What the hell am I supposed to say about snakes?" (Maddox and Dick laugh over voicemail) "Who gives a shit about them?" End quote.
Dick: "Who gives a shit?" (grinning)
Voicemail: And now they're the biggest problem in the universe? Fuck you, Maddox. (Maddox and Dick burst out laughing) Fuck. You.
Maddox: Wow, twice?!
Maddox: Fuck YOU!! You don't tell me "fuck you" twice!
Maddox: I tell YOU "fuck you" twice! Listen man, I remember, I think I -- I think he may have been the impetus for this article I wrote. I think it was called "I am a genius, you are not." [ http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=your_stupid_ideas]
Maddox: And I talked about all the shitty suggestions I get from people...that people send in for me to write on. And I talked about all the different topics people asked me to write about: orange juice, and snakes, and all this HORSESHIT that aren't problems or whatever! Uh, except for snakes, rather. (smirking) But I, I asked...I specifically asked him -
Dick: (interjects) (cackles loudly) HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAH!
Maddox: Shut up!
Dick: You fucked up! Okay, you specifically said what? (grinning)
Maddox: [plays Metal Gear Solid sound clip] (laughs)
(dramatic synthesizer string music)
Colonel Campbell: Snaaaake? SNAAAAAAKE!
Dick: I don't get that! Is that a...that's a video game?
Maddox: It's when Solid Snake dies at the end of Metal Gear Solid, and he's trying to get the transponder from his colonel and he's tryin' to get through.
Dick: Ohh, GOD. Alright.
Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty cool.
Dick: Cool. (jeering) (laughs)
Maddox: It is cool. (smiling) (Dick cackles) Yeah! So I talked about this article, and people were quoting me left and right. And it was also the same article about how people wanted me to talk about "African Americans" -- the phrase "African Americans" -- I was like, "Guys, first of all, you don't understand what it takes to write articles! You don't understand my GENIUS. Okay? If I'm gonna write about snakes..." First of all, snakes are the most boring pet! The most interesting thing they do is eat! But you know what? You know what's more interesting than watching a snake eat? HAVE SEX. That's way more interesting.
Dick: What?? (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah! That's what I -
Dick: (interjects) You've seen a snake have sex?
Maddox: Nooo, *I* have sex!
Maddox: Instead of watching...having sex.
Dick: Oh, having sex is more interesting than reading about snakes, you're saying.
Maddox: No, *watching* a snake eat.
Dick: Watching snakes.
Maddox: I would rather have sex.
Dick: What is that...what would you...*not* rather have sex, then?
Maddox: Dark -
Dick: (interjects) I can't imagine anything that I would rather do than have sex.
Maddox: I dunno, Dark Souls 2 maybe. We'll see. (wryly) (Dick laughs) Look man, sex is cool, but you know...like, there are other things.
Dick: Here's another guy who doesn't like me. [plays second voicemail message]
Voicemail: Hey, I don't usually call in to these things, but Dick, YOU are a fucking dickless piece of worthless, gangrenous, pond-green...
Dick: That must be the same guy!
Maddox: That's the same guy!!
Voicemail: ...SCUM for being against... [Dick stops voicemail abruptly]
Dick: Get a thesaurus, dude.
Maddox: NO! Let's... (cracks up)
Dick: Oh, you wanna hear the whole thing?
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear! (through giggles) [Dick resumes voicemail]
Voicemail: ...workers not being able to take holidays off. How can you be against that, man? How you can you be against that?
Maddox: Yeah, how dare you!
Voicemail: People have DIED in this country -
Maddox: Yeah, they've DIED.
Voicemail: - for the right to have 8-hour workdays, the right to be able to -
Maddox: 8 hours!
Voicemail: - go home and be with their families.
Maddox: Yeah! (chuckles)
Dick: I don't think so.
Voicemail: Most other countries have -
Voicemail: - MULTIPLE holidays off.
Maddox: Multiple! (laughs)
Voicemail: Most other countries...
Dick: So move there!
Voicemail: ...most other countries in the world have EASTER off.
Voicemail: Most other Christian countries -
Maddox: CHRISTIAN! (laughs)
Voicemail: - including -- and some NON-Christian countries, like India! The Indian Embassy in the U.S. -
Maddox: The INDIAN EMBASSY!! In the U.S.!
Voicemail: - gets off for Easter.
Maddox: For Easter!!
Voicemail: But American workers don't.
Dick: Uh-huh. (dryly)
Voicemail: American workers work harder and longer than ANY workers in the entire Western industrialized world -
Voicemail: - and YOU wanna take away the FEW days they have to go and enjoy time with their families -
Dick: Uh-huh. (quietly; amused)
Voicemail: - and not fucking SLAVE their lives away -
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Yep!
Voicemail: - makin' rich people money who don't need it.
Dick: "Makin' rich people money." (heavily mocking)
Voicemail: FUCK you, Dick. You're a fuckin' piece of shit, you worthless FUCKIN' asshole.
Voicemail: FUCK you. (scathingly)
Maddox: Fuck you! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: What a hero! That guy's a...that guy's for the WORKERS, man! That guy's the people's fan! (laughs)
Dick: Is there... (sighs) Is there some reason you just can't eat dinner with your family, like, the next time you have a day off? Am I cra-...I didn't have Thanksgiving with *my* family.
Maddox: Dick -
Dick: (interjects) I had it with a buncha assholes that I hate. (suggestively) (laughs)
Maddox: Dick, if you...I...yeah! Yeah. Which was ME, actually.
Dick: Yeah, which was you. (grinning) (laughs)
Maddox: Thanks...thanks, Dick. I really appreciate it. (sarcastic) You know, Dick, if you even checked our own fucking website, I link to all sorts of stats and studies and interesting news articles, and one of them I linked to was on...I think it was like, ThinkProgress or some bullshit website.
Maddox: But it talked about this problem of employers threatening to fire their employees if they didn't work these shifts.
Maddox: And they posted pictures from signs they post up in break rooms that say, "Hey, you can't request ANY time off between the days of November 15th through January 4th." That's over a month and a half! Some people have to work every day in those shifts! They don't get ANY time off. And no, sometimes you work the night shift or graveyard shift; those are times when your family's asleep. You don't get a few hours off to have with your family, you never do! In fact, when I worked at the old telemarketing company, when I was a programmer, I worked the graveyard shift and I was asleep during the day, so I never got to see my family.
Dick: What is this, Oliver Twist?! Is it...people are getting off of work and then slaving over coals to be with their families, and then passing out on their wooden benches and waking up and getting dragged to work? (cynical tone) Is that what we're to believe? Maybe for one day a year.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. (wearily)
Dick: Maybe for Black Friday.
Maddox: Well, eh... (skeptical)
Dick: But that's -- that's just not the reality of the entire year.
Maddox: Yeah. It's just easy. (sarcastic)
Maddox: Just...just get up and move to another state if you, if you -
Dick: (interjects) Nononono!
Dick: I'm not saying it's EASY, but uh, you don't have a *right* to a job in this country.
Dick: Did I do that? No! (Maddox laughs) Okay? I didn't make these rules.
Maddox: No, Urkel Masterson, you didn't. (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: Okay. Uh, do you have any more voicemail? 'Cause I got one.
Dick: Yeah! Sure I do! (smiling)
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Well, what's yours? Go ahead.
Maddox: No, go ahead. No, I got a big one.
Dick: I think this one's...uh, I think this one's addressed to you. Speaking of big ones.
Maddox: Great. (dryly) [Dick plays third voicemail message]
Voicemail: Hey guys, it's Alex from Toronto.
Dick: Hey, Alex.
Voicemail: I just called in this week, actually, to agree with you!
Voicemail: Uh, I really DO think you suck your dicks a lot on this show.
Dick: That was it.
Voicemail: Well, anyway. (both crack up) Good that we could find some common ground. Go fuck yourself, Dick. (Maddox bursts out laughing)
Dick: Ohh, dammit!! DAMMIT.
Maddox: Yeah, go fuck yourself, Dick. (grinning) I like that guy. And uh, I'm glad that he agrees that we like ourselves a lot. Oh, and speaking of suckin' our own dicks -
Maddox: - uh, we have the live show coming up, guys! Los Angeles, December 19th! We're gonna post more details. We're gonna have...I don't know how we're gonna do tickets. We're not gonna have a lot of tickets available. We'll probably do it in two shifts.
Dick: Yeah, it's gonna be a shitshow.
Maddox: Yeah. We probably have, at most...uh, 40 people to seat, and in two shifts of 20. So, we'll see. We'll post the details on the website. But uh, yeah.
Dick: You know, we should have some kind of a form. Like we should set up a form on the website to handle it.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, you have to...you have to sign a release and everything, but uh, we'll post more details as that comes. But December 19th is lookin' like the day. We'll do a daytime show and an evening show. We're gonna do a live show. A live taping of this, uh, The Biggest Problem. With guests! So it'll be interesting.
Dick: It'll be fun!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna be, uh, it's gonna be fun. It's gonna go live. Yep.
Dick: I got another comment for ya. Robert Hiller: "Dick, I took your catcalling advice this weekend to try and hook up with a few sorority chicks I see at a club." You remember my catcalling advice?
Maddox: Yeah. Shit advice.
Dick: [comment continues] "I approached them all at different times, trying different methods with each. None of them remotely showed interest and I got kicked out of the club."
Maddox: HA!! (laughs more)
Dick: "Great advice, numbnuts. You are an amateur and a fool, but most of all...you are chode." (Maddox laughs) Hm. But then this guy Damion Graves -- he's my boy, right?
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: He says, "It doesn't work well if your fat or a loser."
Maddox: Did he spell it Y-O-U-R?
Dick: Which is true -- yeah, he did!
Maddox: I bet, I bet... (cracks up)
Maddox: I bet he did! What a MORON.
Dick: I love -- no no, it's a great burn because...and there's a key word that makes it a great burn; it's "well." "It doesn't work WELL." Still saying that it shoulda worked! Still slamming this kid that the advice shoulda worked.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: And the advice was "Hit on as many girls as possible."
Maddox: That's stupid.
Dick: It's simple!
Dick: Just go up to each one - "Hey, how's it goin'? Hey, my name is..." What's this guy's name? "Hi, my name's Robert. What's goin' on?"
Maddox: Dick, you're like that moron who joins a Counter-Strike server and just spins around, shootin' everything with a shotgun. And I'm there with a fuckin' sniper, buddy.
Dick: Can you -
Maddox: (interjects) I shoot ONE bullet, ONE kill. Headshot.
Dick: Can you phrase this in an *adult* metaphor? That isn't video games? What do you mean?
Maddox: Yeah. So I'm in Afghanistan, right? (Dick laughs) We're goin' after Osama bin Laden. (yelling) You're in there fuckin' SPRAYIN' the walls with shotgun shells, and I'm sittin' there, ONE shot, one kill, buddy. Right in Osama's fuckin' eyes.
Maddox: Right between his eyes.
Dick: Uh, I'll definitely take the shotgun... (Maddox cracks up) ...approach.
Maddox: Yeah! Spinning around like a MORON.
Dick: It's easy to just sit there, 'bloum, bloum, bloum, bloum.' (mimicking shotgun blasts)
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: 'You, you, you? Me, you?'
Maddox: You don't hit anything. (smiling) Spinning around like an idiot, you get all dizzy, "whulllgh..." (imitating wooziness)
Dick: Well, it worked for our buddy Butt Sanchez, didn't it?? (excited)
Maddox: Yeah. (mocking)
Dick: Speaking of Butt Sanchez, whooooo left a voicemail! (grinning) Here ya go. [plays fourth voicemail message]
Voicemail: Hey, Maddox. This is Butt Sanchez. Okay. You keep on givin' me shit for not wearing a condom, but lemme ask you somethin'. How are you supposed to have sex underwater with a condom? You fucking idiot.
Dick: Yeah! How are you supposed to have sex underwater with a condom, you fuckin' idiot? (teasing)
Maddox: You don't...have sex underwater. (Dick laughs hysterically)
Dick: You don't have sex in a hot tub?!?
Dick: Get outta here!!
Maddox: No, man! It's...you know, it's nice on paper, but then in practice it's bullshit.
Dick: Having sex in a hot tub. That's what they're MADE for.
Maddox: Yeah, but vaginas dry up, man! Water isn't a good lubricant! (yelling) Surpriiise!
Dick: Ohohoho! THERE'S some advice for ya. "Vaginas dry up." (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah! (Dick giggles more) Water isn't a good lubricant! It just doesn't fuckin' work, man.
Dick: We get the point.
Maddox: I've tried -- look, I've had sex in an ocean, I've had sex in swimming pools, I've had sex in hot tubs, I've had sex in SINKS. Like, it doesn't fuckin' work.
Dick: Sorry. Ocean?!
Dick: You had sex in an *ocean*?
Maddox: In the -- yeah. In an ocean.
Dick: In the ocean?
Dick: What were you doin'?
Maddox: Havin' sex. (both laugh) Bangin' a chick.
Dick: Was it a sex cruise?
Dick: What do you mean, you were...what were you...you were out on the ocean havin' sex?
Maddox: Yeah, I was out in the ocean havin' sex! (slyly)
Dick: I'm not gonna get a story outta you for havin' sex in the ocean?
Maddox: Well, yeah...
Dick: I mean, at least in a pool and in a spa you have something to leverage yourself off of. In the OCEAN seems like you're just humping the air like a dolphin. Do you see why it's weird that you would say "the ocean"? Because you're just floating around like a buoy, stabbing your penis forward into the salt water. (derisively)
Maddox: No, Dick. I don't have to jerk my entire fucking BODY.
Dick: How do you have sex in the ocean, then? (laughing)
Maddox: Well, with my hips, man! I just rock 'em! Look, here's the thing. (Dick laughs more) I was in the water -
Dick: (interjects) I want you to, like...
Maddox: What?! (annoyed)
Dick: ...paint me the picture!
Dick: HOW do you do it??
Maddox: Okay, so we're at the beach, right? And everyone at the beach is an idiot, so I'm like, "Well, this is boring. I'm gonna go have sex." (Dick scoffs) So I walk out into the ocean -
Dick: (interjects) Okay. (jeering)
Maddox: Yeah! I walk out into the ocean... (Dick cackles) ...and I'm there, about -- you know, the water's covering my shoulder, and I'm there with a pretty lady, and I'm like, "Well! You know, here we are." And uh, she...look, if she straddles me...this is gonna get -- you know, I'm not gonna get too graphic. But if she straddles me, it looks like she's still standing up. So it doesn't...it doesn't have to be this THING that's like, "Oh my -- I'm humpin' over here, like a moron! Like an amateur!"
Dick: Oh, so you're standing in the beach.
Maddox: I'm standing...I'm standing -
Dick: (interjects) You're...you're having sex on the beach.
Maddox: (stammers) I was in the ocean. I was in the water.
Maddox: Yeah. So that's how it happened.
Dick: And she's straddling you, so you look like some kind of satyr. Like, with hairy legs... (Maddox laughs) Hairy, manly legs and an upper woman body. Alright, well, Butt Sanchez is right.
Dick: You can't have sex in a hot tub with a condom on.
Maddox: Yeah. That's...
Dick: Yeah. (cracks up)
Maddox: Well, you shouldn't have sex in the hot tub. By the way, it dries up with a condom too! With or without a condom, doesn't matter. It's still gonna dry up.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (amused)
Maddox: So...anyway, Dick, is that all the voicemail you got? 'Cause I got one.
Dick: Yeah, go ahead!
Maddox: So in our bonus episode this week that was JUST released, we talked about this video (Dick laughs) that -
Dick: (interjects) You have something on me from yesterday?!? (Maddox laughs) Fuck you!
Maddox: So I got a voicemail -- so, remember in the bonus episode I played that video from Angelo Mike, a fan who sent in this video of him interviewing his mom, who was kinda shitting on you. And she was really pissed off, Dick, because you... (Dick cackles mischievously)
Maddox: ...you're bein' an asshole!
Dick: Yeah, yeah, that's what I was doin'. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah! Real smarmy! So I created an entire soundboard -- for those of you who haven't listened to the bonus episode yet, you'll be hearing this sound for the rest of the season probably. Probably the rest of the series. They're great.
Dick: Great. (sarcastic)
Maddox: But I have a voicemail that she sent in, Dick. (cracking up) Here's part of it. [plays voicemail clip]
Angelo's Mom: Yeah, calabunga to YOU. (in a strong Greek accent) (Maddox laughs) Calabunga to YOU!
Angelo's Mom: If this is Dick Masterson, man, I'm tellin' you, I can't STAND the way you talk about women.
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs hysterically)
Angelo's Mom: You've such a disgusting, filthy mouth. And take your freakin' glasses off!
Maddox: Yeah, Dick! (Dick keeps laughing)
Angelo's Mom: I don't know if you're dating women. What kinda woman will date YOU? You know?
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. (snarky)
Dick: The kinds who call my voicemail.
Angelo's Mom: But I tell you, you're the biggest malaka in the universe!
Dick: Oh, a malaka?
Angelo's Mom: And go search for that word.
Dick: You're callin' me a MALAKA?!
Maddox: Yeah, she called you a malaka!
Dick: On my own podcast? (shouting)
Maddox: Uh-huh! Yeah!
Dick: I know what a malaka is, lady!
Maddox: Yeah. A malaka, for those who don't know, is a Greek word for "jerkoff."
Maddox: Huh? A JERKOFF. That's you, buddy.
Dick: Oh boy oh boy. I'll tell you what kinda girls date me, uh, Angelo's mom...the same kinds who call my voicemail.
Maddox: Yeah? Well, here -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah.
Maddox: Here's... (cracks up) Here's -
Dick: (interjects) That's who.
Maddox: Yeah. (about to laugh)
Maddox: Yeah, great. Great, Dick.
Dick: Just one little step over. First they're pissed off...
Dick: ...then they wanna bang you. (mischievously)
Maddox: Yeah, you think she's gonna date -- I don't think so! Here's what she says about ME. She actually has something to say about me! (pleased with himself) [ plays another clip from same voicemail]
Angelo's Mom: Maddox, I love you, I love you, I LOVE you. (Maddox laughs tauntingly)
Maddox: Yeah, she loves me!
Angelo's Mom: I love you, Maddox. You my favorite, okay?
Maddox: I'm her FAVORITE. [pauses clip]
Dick: Oh, great. (disdainful) Hmm.
Maddox: Yeah! *I'm* her favorite, Dick! And here's what...here's more, here's what she had -
Dick: (interjects) Hey, why don't you guys go get married? (cynical)
Maddox: Maybe we will! (yelling)
Dick: You know?
Maddox: I love Angelo's mom!! Here's what she says about you, dude. [resumes clip]
Angelo's Mom: But that...that friend of yours who talkin' about women? No...
Maddox: No, mm-mm.
Angelo's Mom: Maddox? He doesn't deserve your friendship.
Maddox: Yeah! (Dick giggles explosively)
Dick: You can say THAT again.
Angelo's Mom: I love you, Maddox.
Angelo: Also, talk about I Am Better Than Your Kids! Remember the book with the drawings from kids?
Dick: What is this, a plug??
Maddox: Yeah. Listen to this. (smiling)
Angelo's Mom: Oh, gosh! I love I Am Better Than Your Kids! I have your books, I look at 'em every day...
Dick: Oh, my GOD.
Maddox: Every day!
Dick: Loves YOU, Maddox. (teasing)
Angelo's Mom: ...almost. You know, now Angelo took it away from me and I don't have 'em. (Maddox chuckles) But when I have 'em -
Maddox: Angelo! (scolding)
Angelo's Mom: - uh, I look at 'em every day, and I -- you make me SO happy! (Dick laughs hysterically)
Maddox: Huh? (gloating)
Angelo's Mom: You make me so happy, Maddox.
Angelo: Wait, I have -- I don't have the book!
Angelo's Mom: Yeah, you did. You took it away from me.
Angelo's Mom: Yeah you did! Anyway... (Maddox laughs loudly) I just love you, Maddox, and...
Dick: Jesus CHRIST.
Angelo's Mom: ...and Dick Masterson, just get yourself a woman.
Maddox: Yeah! (taunting) Yeah.
Angelo's Mom: A real woman, and be a REAL man.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Be a REAL man.
Angelo's Mom: Be a real man!
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "And who are you, GAY?")
Angelo's Mom: Bye, Maddox. I love you.
(Maddox laughs heartily)
Dick: Jeez, Angelo's mom, why don't you pull your nose out of Maddox's asshole? Talk about a brown-noser!
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You dumb shit!") No, she loves me, man. (grinning)
Dick: She looks at your book every day? (incredulous) It's a good book, but holy shit!
Maddox: Every day!
Dick: What is it, the Bible??
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "I love you, Maddox.") (laughs more) She LOVES me! She loves me.
Dick: Aww. (mocking)
Maddox: Angelo's mom -- I'm makin' fans, baby! You're ruining. You're DESTROYING them.
Dick: I'm destroying them?
Dick: Oh. (flatly)
Maddox: That's what you do. Like, uh, our poor caller -- what was his name? CJ Canton! Who called in. Called you "gangrenous pond scum." (cracks up)
Dick: I mean, look, I get if you're really angry and you wanna take out the fact that you gotta work on Thanksgiving out on me. That's fine. But, uh... (sighs dismissively)
Dick: I'm not the one who's, uh...I'm not the one who's makin' you show up, I'm not the one writing the check...
Maddox: You One-Percenter. (sneering) Alright, Dick -
Dick: (interjects) I'm not even shopping!
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic) Well, let's get to the problems, Dick. What do you got?
Maddox: What...the hell is a bro-down? (cracking up)
Dick: You know what a bro-down is?
Dick: I looked at...I looked up Urban Dictionary, to see if they agreed with me?
Dick: On what a bro-down was? And they don't.
Maddox: Hm'kay. (chuckling)
Dick: Uh, but that's never stopped me before.
Dick: I... (stammers) I don't think Urban Dictionary is accurate in its...in ALL of its slang.
Dick: It is in a lot, but then it seems a little silly at times.
Maddox: Well yeah, 'cause anyone can edit it. It's like Wikipedia. You know, the source that you use for most of your arguments? (wryly) (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (cracks up) You're right, that's not nearly as good as wikiHow. (derisively) Right?
Maddox: Hey! (laughs) Hey, shut up! (laughs more) Alright. So what's a bro-down, Dick?
Dick: A bro-down, a bro-down...um, I'll tell you a little story. Tell you what a bro-down is.
Dick: I was at a...I was at a house party.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: With you.
Maddox: I know THIS story. (laughing)
Dick: ...I was at a house party, about halfway, maybe three quarters of the way through a bottle of Wild Turkey. Alright?
Dick: So if my...if my, uh, interpretation of events -- if my recollection of events starts to deviate, please tell me if that's the case. Alright?
Maddox: I will, Dick. I'll call you on it.
Dick: 'Cause you were there for most of this.
Maddox: Yeah. I was.
Dick: Yeah. Simple little house party. Party's dying down, we're in the backyard. And, uh, an altercation was started.
Maddox: (splutters) Wha...?! Uh, alright. Okay, already: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: Ha! Okay.
Maddox: (laughing) Dick, *was* the altercation started? (Dick tries not to laugh) Did it just spontaneously happen?!
Dick: You know, some -- who knows! (Maddox bursts out laughing) With these things! Sometimes altercations are just in the ether. And someone happens to discover it FIRST...is it really their fault?
Maddox: Yeah. (dying from laughter)
Dick: For finding the altercation before the other person? It was in the ether. (gleeful)
Maddox: It was in the ether! The altercation was just THERE!
Maddox: And we just stumbled upon it.
Dick: We just stumbled -- you AND I!
Maddox: Oh, you -
Dick: (interjects) You AND I stumbled upon this altercation.
Maddox: Don't drag me into this, bozo! Who started this altercation?
Dick: Okay. (amused) (Maddox giggles) YOU be the judge.
Dick: You...you know. Listeners be the judge of who's -- who, quote unquote, "started" this.
Dick: There was a...there was a beer pong table in the backyard that had been used all night. The party was dead, it was dying. Right?
Maddox: It was winding down.
Dick: Yeah. Winding down.
Dick: And there was a beer pong table that was covered in half-full beers.
Dick: Those little Solo cups. Right?
Maddox: You're an optimist! (laughs)
Dick: Hey! How 'bout that?? (excited)
Dick: How 'bout that, Angelo's mom? (Maddox laughs more) Not such a bad guy, I'm an optimist!
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You are a jackass!") (cracks up)
Dick: Oh. She's gonna love this story. So, beer pong table covered in, uh, beery Solo cups. And I think -- I'm sitting there with my dog and my bottle of whiskey, and I think, "Man..." Sitting next to an orange tree, and I think, "Man, wouldn't it be really funny if somebody threw an orange at all of these Solo cups and they, like, shot everywhere?"
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Like bowling, except also...exploding drinks everywhere.
Maddox: And also at the behest of a huge asshole. But yes, go on.
Dick: Like, "Wouldn't it be funny if it happened?" And then suddenly I was *doing* it. (Maddox bursts out laughing) Right? (cracks up)
Maddox: Whoa whoa, Dick! You're skippin' an important piece here. You turned to me and you said -
Dick: (interjects) Nonono, that...oh, you came out before I did the first one. Er, you came out after I did the first one.
Maddox: No, I was there for all of 'em!
Dick: Oh, you were THERE!
Maddox: Yeah! I was there!
Maddox: You drunk asshole, I was sittin' right next to you!
Dick: Okay, well what did I...what did I say?
Maddox: You, you turned to me... (giggling)
Dick: This is great! We're all learning stuff. (grinning) I'm learning my own story!
Maddox: Yeah. You turned to me and you said, "Hey man, you think I could hit those, uh, those cups from here?" And I said, "Yes, Dick." And you go... (both crack up) ..."Let's see!"
Dick: "Let's see!!" (gleeful) "Let's see if you're RIGHT!"
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: So, I could.
Dick: I COULD hit the cups.
Maddox: You threw it, yeah. (about to laugh)
Dick: I threw the orange, and like, I dunno, probably 10 cups go splattering everywhere. Right?
Dick: As it turns out, these dumb guys happened to be standing kinda close to these cups.
Maddox: And I... (stammers)
Dick: They each had a date. It was two guys and two girls. Right?
Maddox: Was it? I thought it was...it was two guys and ONE girl. (Dick gasps) He was the third wheel!
Dick: Oh, you're RIGHT!!
Maddox: That's what it was!
Dick: You're RIGHT! That -
Maddox: You drunk ass. (teasing)
Dick: - this gets even better!
Maddox: Yeah! And I don't even think any -
Dick: (interjects) I only see women in doubles when I'm drunk. (breaking into a grin)
Maddox: You -- yeah. Yeah. Of course.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't even think any beer splashed on him, by the way.
Dick: Ohh, no! Nononono, definitely not. 'Cause I...like, even in my drunk state, I *thought* they were far away.
Dick: Like, I thought they were far enough away. I thought this was a safe move.
Maddox: Yeah! It was!
Maddox: You surprisingly were less of an asshole than usual. But yes.
Dick: I don't wanna splatter beer all over people!
Maddox: No! You're not... (cracks up) You're not -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, I have been ejected from...Dodger Stadium for doing that. (Maddox chuckles) But that's a different story. I learned my lesson.
Maddox: Yeah! You -
Dick: (interjects) I didn't wanna get this guy wet!
Maddox: You're not a...you're not a jerk; you're a dick!
Dick: Thank you!
Dick: So, I throw the orange, beer shoots everywhere...and it was awesome!
Dick: It was as cool as I thought it would be, right?
Maddox: Pretty funny -- yeah! It was pretty cool.
Dick: Yeah, it was pretty cool.
Dick: Right? It was cooler than sitting there doing nothing.
Maddox: It was cooler than nothing, yes. (dryly)
Dick: Right. Okay. (smiling)
Maddox: I'll give you that, Dick. (chuckling)
Dick: So then I was like, "Oh man, I gotta do that again. That was cool." Right? Is that accurate?
Maddox: Well, before that, you -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, so this is when he...
Dick: ...this is when the altercation was found. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It was STUMBLED upon.
Dick: This is when the altercation *appeared.*
Dick: The wild altercation appeared.
Maddox: Like a Pokemon. (amused)
Dick: And this guy turns to me, and -- what did he call me, a..."stupid motherfucker," and this and that?
Maddox: "HEY, you stupid motherfucker!" (angrily)
Dick: Yeah! "Hey, you asshole! What are you doing throwing oranges?"
Maddox: Yeah, I think he said "asshole." Yeah.
Dick: So he said, "I...I demand an apology!" (Maddox inhales thoughtfully)
Maddox: Uh -
Dick: (interjects) He said "I want an apology," didn't he?
Maddox: That was the SECOND one, Dick!
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Get to the second orange!
Maddox: The first one, he said "Hey! What the fuck is your problem?!" And you say "Uh, I dunno, man!" And he goes, "Don't do that again!!"
Dick: Ohh -- oh, THAT was the mistake.
Maddox: So that's where we left off. That was... (cracks up) ...the mistake.
Dick: So I...so I do it again.
Dick: Immediately. (grinning)
Maddox: He grabs an orange off the tree and throws it before he could, like, almost finish the sentence. It was already on the table.
Dick: I mean, you HAVE to!
Maddox: Well, of course. (about to laugh)
Dick: When people say...when people say with no authority to NOT do something that is fun and cool?
Dick: And everyone's looking at it? You have to do it again!
Dick: And he -- just step to the side!
Dick: I didn't get him wet. If I had gotten him wet, he woulda said, "You got beer all over me."
Maddox: He probably woulda said that, yeah.
Dick: Yeah! He...so he obviously didn't.
Dick: I was right in thinking that.
Dick: He coulda just moved over.
Dick: I've...I have a BOTTLE of whiskey in my HAND.
Dick: You're *reasoning* with this person?!
Maddox: Yeah. He's an idiot, right.
Dick: Okay? He's...that is...that's the idiot!
Maddox: He's the idiot! I'm with you, dude.
Dick: Okay! Thank you.
Dick: And you were that night, 'cause you were laughing like an asshole...
Maddox: Oh, of course. (amused)
Dick: ...at this point.
Maddox: I couldn't stop.
Dick: When I did it again.
Maddox: It was hilarious.
Dick: So he turns around and starts losing his shit! Saying, uh, basically the same -- basically reiterating his point, and then adding: "I want an apology!"
Maddox: Yeah! He said -
Dick: (interjects) "I want an apology outta you!"
Maddox: He said "What the FUCK'S your problem?! I thought I TOLD you..." (shouting)
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: "...not to throw another ORANGE!!" He got really aggressive at this point, and his friends are kinda lookin' at us, and lookin' -- everyone's gettin' really tense now. And he turns and says -
Dick: (interjects) Except for me. (cackles loudly)
Maddox: Yeah, except for you, of course. (smiling) Except for you, the unflappable drunk asshole. (mocking) And so he turns and says, "I want you to fuckin' apologize, right now!!"
Dick: And this is -- I wanna re-do it. I wanna try to re-do it. I don't know if I can, 'cause it was so...it was so funny when I did it, it's hard to recreate. But say that again.
Maddox: Okay. "You better apologize, right now!" (shouting)
Dick: "...Sorry." (flatly)
Maddox: Yep! That was about it. (laughs loudly)
Dick: That was about it! And then it was just dead silence, right?
Dick: Because you never expect THAT!
Maddox: Oh, yeah that -
Dick: (interjects) Like, these guys never just expect you to do what they say to do.
Dick: 'Cause you can't apologize, 'cause that, like, 'questions your manhood.' (jokingly macho voice) Right?
Maddox: Yeah, and he doesn't what an asshole, insincere prick you are. 'Cause you NEVER mean an apology.
Maddox: The non-apology king right here!
Maddox: Yeah! So, so immediately he was like, "Well, uh...uh, okay then!"
Maddox: "Well, don't do it again!" (stupidly aggressive voice) "Better not do it again!"
Dick: Well -- see?? I might not have done it again!
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: But he's gotta keep...gotta keep piling on. Right?
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Dick: So he turns around, and I have -- I would say I have decent comedic timing.
Maddox: Well... (laughs heartily)
Dick: I wait until it's...I wait until it's as funny as I think it will be. And I grab another orange, of course, 'cause I'm like, "Alright, I can't just do it right away. 'Cause then it makes me seem like I really want this." You know?
Dick: "I gotta really let it...let it die down."
Maddox: Well. You turned to US and asked for our opinion, Dick! Do you remember this?
Dick: Right! Yes. I do.
Dick: I don't remember what I said, though.
Maddox: Okay. (amused) You turned to me first and you said, "Uhh, should I throw another one?" (Dick laughs hysterically) And I...(cracks up) And I just kinda shrug, and I think, "Uh, I dunno, man. It'd be pretty funny, but he seems pretty worked up." Then there was this guy -
Dick: (interjects) At this point, if I don't get a 'no' -- like an emphatic 'no' -- I'm doin' it. Right? That's what's goin' on in my mind when this is happening.
Dick: I'm telling you.
Maddox: And then you turned to your left, and there was this British guy sittin' there just, like, comfortably. (Dick laughs more) Like, cozily sipping a beer, casually just sitting there.
Dick: He had a good show!
Maddox: Yeah! He's just watching, and he kinda -- you turned to him and said, "Hey man, what do you think? Should I throw this orange?" And he kinda shrugs and goes, "I don't know." (imitating an English accent) (both laugh) And then, we're sittin' there debating whether or not we should throw the orange.
Maddox: And you're like, "Oh, should I?" And I can SEE in the background -- you're not payin' attention, but I noticed the guy. He's like, gettin' worked up, he's gettin' into -
Dick: (interjects) Right!
Maddox: Yeah! Super...what's the, uh, with the Dragon Ball Z guy?
Dick: Uh, again...
Maddox: Super S-...yeah. Well, whatever.
Dick: ...I don't, I don't know the -- Gohan?? Is that a thing?
Maddox: Yeah, Super Sauron? No no, what's that...
Dick: Super Saiyan?
Maddox: Super Saiyan! Yeah, he's like, gettin' Super Saiyan. Right?
Dick: Yeah, he's...
Maddox: So, so -
Dick: (interjects) So that's the guy whose hair shoots up when he goes like, "AAAARRGHH!"
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: Okay, I know that guy.
Maddox: Yeah. 'Ameyameka,' or whatever the thing is. So then (cracks up) our other buddy comes out, and you said -- he's a good friend of ours! And you turned to him...and he's kind of like a fatherly figure. He has this, like, fatherly affect about him. So he comes out, and you turn to him and you say, "Hey man, think I should throw this orange?" And he kinda -
Dick: (interjects) And he...knowing that he's seen nothing of what's transpired so far. (smiling)
Dick: Like, just setting him up, 'cause I thought it'd be funny.
Maddox: Yeah. And he kinda sheepishly says -- like, shrugs 'no.' And then, right -
Dick: (interjects) So I...no, while this is happening, I'm looking at that threesome.
Dick: And there's this dude who's -- like, the one guy...the one guy who's flippin' out already has, like...he looks like a neckbeard. Right?
Dick: Like he's got a big stupid beard...he has a -
Maddox: (interjects) He literally has a neckbeard!
Dick: Yeah! Yeah, yeah. His other guy is like a trim, fit guy in a motorcycle jacket who looks like a badass. Right? The guy with the girl. Was that accurate?
Maddox: Ohh, that guy with the -
Dick: (interjects) The greaser-lookin' guy.
Maddox: That was a cool motorcycle jacket, yeah.
Dick: Yeah! That guy looked fuckin' cool!
Dick: So, I'm...I make eye contact with him, holding this orange in my hand, and I'm like, "Eh?" (suggestively) Like, looked at him. (Maddox laughs) He just goes...he tries not to look...he tries not show any expression on his face but he just kind of, like, shakes his head.
Dick: Right? Like, "Okay, dude. That's...that's a buy-in. I got a buy-in from you." So, clearly... (Maddox laughs more) ...clearly this isn't gonna go TOO far south if I do. So once our friend comes out -- the fatherly guy -- and shrugs, I'm like, "Yeah!" I throw it. (Maddox bursts out laughing) I lob this orange, and it...it pockets like Tin Cup into one of these Solo cups and fuckin' EXPLODES. Is that accurate? It destroyed -- like, it hit...it hit pockets of cups that I didn't even know there was. Like it felt like a video game, when they crashed and went smashing all over the table?
Maddox: Yeah, pretty funny. You didn't splash him still, though.
Dick: Oh, still! No, of course not.
Dick: So... (cracks up) So I'm dying of laughter at this point 'cause of the tension. Like that...you know. That, like...
Maddox: Right. (chuckling)
Dick: ...tension that usually gives people anxiety. I'm like...I love it. I started laughing. I just hear, "THAT'S IT!!" (both laugh loudly) And this guy, this guy comes fucking STORMING over like, uh, like a bushwhacker... (Maddox laughs hysterically) Like, uh, like the beginning of Donkey Kong, right? Throwing his -- I'm throwing my fists up in the air, like back and forth over here. You can't see, but I'm throwing it up like a gorilla! Right?
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: Like this big silverback gorilla. And he comes SCREAMING over at me, "THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT, YOU WANNA GO?? YOU WANNA GO?" (Maddox laughs) And of course I don't wanna go! Like I've...I've achieved maximum enjoyment of this.
Maddox: You've already gone.
Dick: I've gone! I've already come.
Maddox: You're, you're...you're spent. Yeah.
Maddox: You've come... (breaks down laughing)
Dick: So he gets in my face and starts like, you know...trying to, like, rub his nipples on mine, I guess! Which is what guys -- THIS is a bro-down.
Dick: This right here is the bro-down. He gets his chest out, right? And he starts smushing it against me, and I've...I've got a BOTTLE of whiskey in one hand and the leash of a DOG in the other hand.
Dick: And he's losing his FUCKIN' mind. So I start keeling over with laughter, right? You guys are -- I don't know if you're trying to get involved at this point?
Maddox: Aw, no -- yeah, I was just sittin' back. I'm like, "Well, I wanna see this asshole get punched." (laughs)
Dick: Oh, yeah! Meaning either me or him, I don't know!
Maddox: Yeah, he's puffin' up his chest like a dullard!
Dick: Like he's gonna do something!
Maddox: Like rubbing...rubbing his NIPPLES on you, which is...
Dick: Rubbing nipples together!!
Maddox: ...which is an aggressive move!
Dick: That's what a bro-down is.
Dick: You try to rub your nipples against the other guy's nipples until one of you cums, I guess! I don't know, (Maddox laughs) 'cause it NEVER comes to blows!
Maddox: (idiotic macho voice) "Hey bruh, what are you...?"
Dick: "Bro, what do you think of these nipples??" (same stupid aggressive voice) (laughs)
Maddox: "Why'd you do that? Why'd you throw that orange?" (barely intelligible) "Why'd you throw that orange, bro? I'll challenge you off 'til you apologize! Huuuh??"
Dick: "How tender are YOUR nipples, bro?" (Maddox laughs) "My nipples are tender as shit! My nipples are hard as shit, man! I won't c-..." So, this guy is doing this and I'm, I'm keeling over with laughter. 'Cause -
Maddox: (interjects) You're...yeah, you're DOUBLED OVER...
Dick: Doubled over, literally.
Maddox: ...laughing! Yeah.
Dick: Drunker than HELL. Uh, and...he's like, "Why don't you stand up and fight me like a man?!" (Maddox laughs robustly) "Stand up and...you're such a bitch! You're such a pussy!" And I'm like, "I...I can't. I can't. I can't. I gotta..." These guys get involved at this point. They're like, "Okay, okay. You're...you are a huge asshole." (giggling)
Maddox: Yeah. (about to laugh)
Dick: Whattaya *doing*? Like, whattaya doing. (exasperated)
Maddox: Well, you didn't mention that he pushed you at this point!
Dick: OH, yeah!
Maddox: So he's trying to provoke you into a fight, and THAT'S when you were doubled over laughing, because he pushed you (cracks up) and you couldn't control your laughter.
Dick: Ahh, I can't. (grinning)
Maddox: So...and you wouldn't -
Dick: I just can't.
Maddox: - you wouldn't take the bait. And so after he pushed you I walked over to this guy and I said, "Okay, man, take it easy. He's drunk, he's an idiot." (Dick laughs loudly) "Just let him go." You're trying to -- again -
Dick: (interjects) Idiot like a fox! (laughs harder)
Maddox: Again, Dick, you're trying to reason with a drunk idiot. Don't...you can't reason with drunk people! You just ignore them and avoid them! They're loose cannons. You don't know what they'll do. They'll probably stab you with a broken whiskey bottle, as you could have done. (cracking up) But -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!!
Maddox: Well...yeah. I mean, you're a DICK...you're -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, you shove me back? "Whoops! I just, uh, broke this whiskey bottle. Oops!" Two Mr. Magoo, Mr. Bean slips, and this guy just lost his -
Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You are a SHIT head!") (laughs) What a shithead.
Dick: That's my problem; it's bro-downs. Because this happens *all* the fuckin' time.
Dick: And it's embarrassing to me as a man to see men doing this. It's shameful. What are you DOING. Why are you putting on this big, retarded display over...over Solo cups?
Maddox: Yeah...I dunno, Dick. It sounds like the problem was you being a drunk idiot. (cracking up)
Dick: Yeah, but this happens all the time without me! And usually there's some OTHER moron on the other side of this who ALSO wants to get his nipples in on the action. (Maddox laughs) And then it turns into a -- it never turns into a fight! Excuse me. It never turns into a fight; it's just a big, weird...DANCE.
Maddox: No -
Dick: That guys do!
Maddox: Yeah... (unsure)
Maddox: Yeah, you know, Dick? That's true to an extent. Because if you mess with the wrong crowd...like, in Los Angeles, there are gangs! Right? There are gang members. And sometimes they got their homies, and they're cowards! They don't wanna fight one-on-one, so they'll get all their buddies to jump in on ya, and then you're fucked! 'Cause one of 'em's gonna fight dirty and stab ya.
Dick: Sure! Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! (laughing) Well, that's...that's what you're settin' yourself up for.
Dick: What's your, what's your...? That's why it's a problem, you're saying.
Maddox: Well, the problem of course is the drunk idiot. Not the bro-down -- look, the bro-down's a problem -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but this is like...look, this is like, if you get run into the wrong way on the *subway.*
Dick: There's gonna be a bro-down. It's like, when did...when did guys turn into these mafioso wannabe gangsters that, like, they need to be respected at all times?
Maddox: I think since -
Dick: (interjects) When did that happen?
Maddox: Since the beginning, Dick. Guys have always been that way. (chuckling)
Dick: You don't think it's getting worse?
Maddox: Uh, it COULD be. No, I think it's gettin', it's gettin' better! Dick, here's another...here's another impromptu Dick Versus Dick.
Maddox: Weren't you saying a couple episodes back that it's impossible to provoke someone into a fight? Nobody wants to fight anymore?
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: Well, this guy tried!
Dick: They just wanna...they just wanna put on this spectacle!
Maddox: No, but this guy tried!
Dick: In front of all their friends!
Maddox: You didn't take the bait. (smiling) This guy tried.
Dick: Dude, if he wanted to fight me, he woulda just walked over and hit me. That's a fight! That's how you start a fight. You don't come in with nipples blazing. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: He did -
Dick: (interjects) Trying to nipple sword-fight me.
Maddox: Look, he did shove you! That's a provocation. You actually had the justification for self-defense.
Dick: Ugh, yeah, I...please. (dismissively)
Maddox: That's assault, man!
Dick: Get outta here. It is, but it's...it's not a fight. It's a -- what is it? Do we have to, like...is it like foreplay of fighting? (Maddox chuckles) You gotta ask me out with a shove and then I, like, send you notes in class and kiss you? 'Til we get to the next point, where we're actually exchanging blows? It's just... (splutters)
Dick: At this age -- yeah, exactly! At this age, I'm not fighting over Solo cups, man!
Maddox: No. No...
Dick: What are you...what are you getting so bent outta shape for?
Maddox: Yeah. No, you're right, Dick. Like he, he was...he was a bro, for sure. He was bro-downing hard. Um, and his nipples were hard. I could, I s-... (cracks up) (Dick guffaws) I SAW them! I saw them glistening in the night. 'Cause -- maybe you did splash some beer on him, 'cause he had some really fuckin' pointy nipples.
Dick: His beard was hard too.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused) His whole body was hard.
Dick: He turned into, like, a 'boing'... (imitating Maddox's boner sound effect) Big boner.
Maddox: Oh MAN. And then after...after we kinda broke it up, me and I think the British guy..."Calm down, mate. Calm down." (English accent) (Dick laughs loudly) And so... (cracks up) So we got him to turn around. And he walks over past his friends where he was just having a nice conversation, a nice night, that he could've avoided just simply by taking a step to the left away from the ping pong table.
Dick: He's probably cock-blockin' that guy, by the way!
Maddox: He probably was!!
Dick: Probably was!
Maddox: Fuckin' BEARDO...
Dick: He was an angry little fuck!
Maddox: ...in a bad mood, 'cause he's not gettin' laid!
Maddox: Maybe he shoulda listened to, uh, yours and Butt Sanchez's advice and uh, he can get chlamydia in a hot tub. (snidely) But listen, man. He could've, like, stepped one step to the left and avoided this whole thing. Then when he turned around and walked back to his friends, I saw...I saw him still in like, Super Saiyan mode. Right?
Maddox: He's sittin' there with his back turned to the rest of the party, like, everybody! He's kind of sulking in the corner, where it's dark. And you can see just, like, the silhouette of him, right? And he's just like, his arms are tense and his muscles are kinda... (mockingly growling) ...he's just kinda gripping his fists, he's so mad!
Dick: Jesus CHRIST, this guy.
Maddox: Yeah! Dude, fuckin' chill out, dude! It's 3 in the morning, everyone at this party's drunk; go home. What an idiot. (under his breath)
Dick: Or come throw some oranges with me! Relieve a little stress.
Maddox: Dick, is that, uh...?
Dick: Nonono! Well, I started looking stuff up on this, this angry white men phenomenon?
Maddox: White? (puzzled)
Dick: Have you heard of that?
Maddox: Why are you adding race into this?
Dick: Well, that's...that's what it's called!
Dick: I mean, this is like...it's, uh -
Maddox: (interjects) According to who?
Dick: The Internet. I don't know. (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: It's...well, because it...I tried to find some actual stats on this, or some actual research. Or at least some talking points. And it's all these authors talking about...how masculinity is ending? It's the end of the masculine era, and all these guys are all pissed off that they don't have a place in the world anymore. But I don't think that's true! I don't think that's what was goin' through that guy's mind when he's raging out in his bro-down.
Maddox: I disagree! I think that IS true. I think that guys do need, sometimes, they need that outlet. Like, I know some people -- for example, Tucker Max! Uh, the author Tucker Max, right? He's my buddy.
Maddox: Um, he had...he was really kind of aggressive, and he mellowed out A LOT after he started taking fighting lessons and he started doing MMA stuff. He *really* mellowed out a lot.
Maddox: He just needed to get that out of his system. (Dick inhales thoughtfully)
Dick: Well, maybe, uh...I dunno. Maybe that guy found a way to get it out of his system.
Maddox: Yeah, you... (cracks up) ...you made him cum.
Dick: That wasn't shoving me around.
Maddox: You made him... (laughs) You made his masculine boner cum, dude.
Dick: Here's, uh, here's a stats I DID find. Here's a stats for ya.
Dick: The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism -- something from the government -- paid a million bucks in tax dollars (cracking up) to fund a 5-year study of alcohol and bar violence that determined -- get a load of THIS...get a load of this million-dollar finding.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: "Bar fights tend to occur in venues that are relatively dark, dirty, noisy, hot, and crowded..." (cynical tone)
Maddox: Oh! (quietly)
Dick: " [...] frequented by a clientele of younger, less agreeable, less conscientious, more impulsive heavy drinkers." [ http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/918856-federal-study-bar-fights-tend-happen-darker-dirtier-bars-... ] Paid a million bucks for that.
Dick: Yeah, pretty good! (snidely)
Dick: We gotta be running -
Maddox: (interjects) They nailed it!
Dick: Yeah. (cracking up)
Maddox: They nailed it, though, huh?
Dick: That's true! (through laughter)
Maddox: Yeah! It's accurate!
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: It's accurate. And/or people's backyard parties, where everyone's just trying to chill out until Dick tries to throw oranges at a beer table. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Uhh, yeah, that's pretty much...I dunno. I got alotta stuff on this, uh, macho thing? But it was very weird to research. Because all these authors do is rip on, like, the stereotypical conservative man. Like, they all hate...um, they all hate your typical bad guys. Tea Party guys, um...lemme see here...
Maddox: They hate badasses, it sounds like. Right?
Dick: No, it's not so much badasses as just, like... (sighs; searching for words) Here's my point: I don't think it's specific to any...uh, any kind of background. Or ideology.
Maddox: What, the bro-down?
Dick: Yeah, the bro-down.
Maddox: I... (stammers) I think -- no, I think it is mostly non-liberal...like, I think most of my liberal friends are pacifists.
Maddox: Yeah, I think so.
Dick: I think I can rev anybody up.
Maddox: Well, I can too, buddy! And I love doing it! I'm GOOD at it. That's what I do for a living!
Dick: Well, I guess that's what I...that's what I disagreed with, was with their, uh, liberal bent. That somehow these liberal men are, are...beyond bro-ing down. But I don't know, maybe it is true.
Maddox: Well, it's easier to provoke somebody who's...who's more prone to be violent or a war hawk, for example, and that's why I think they're trying to mix in some political slant with this.
Maddox: Because it's thought that conservatives are generally more hawkish than liberals. Liberals are more dovish, considered -- you know, that's what people consider. Right?
Dick: I guess so.
Maddox: So that's why they're saying if you provoke somebody who's more hawkish, they're more likely to be provoked into violence.
Dick: Uh, 90 percent of physical altercations go to the ground, according to cops. [ http://ejmas.com/jnc/2007jnc/jncart_Leblanc_0701.html]
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: So this guy wanted to, like, wrestle around on the ground with me? (amused)
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "And who are you, GAY?") (both laugh)
Dick: Eh. Yeah.
Maddox: Those hard nipples, man. (grinning)
Dick: That's just so insecure.
Maddox: Yeah, it is. It is!
Dick: Come onnn, guys! Come on! You're makin' us look bad. (annoyed)
Maddox: Chill out, bros! (mocking) Alright, Dick. Uh, not a problem. Uh, let's get to a real one. Huh?
Dick: What was that, a 30-minute story?
Dick: Sorry. (laughs)
Maddox: Jesus. (teasing) Celebrity worship!! THAT'S my problem.
Maddox: Yeah. What do you mean, "shit"?!
Dick: I think you've heard the last of my "Maddox Lost" song. (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeheah! (clapping sound effect) Bravo, Maddox! (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "I love you, Maddox.") (laughs) So, here we go. So they're the reason -- celebrity worship is the reason we have anti-vaxxers. So I brought in Anti-Vaxxers a couple episodes ago, and everybody thought that was a huge problem because it's putting the entire society at risk. Right? It's jeopardizing the WORLD, potentially.
Maddox: We have Jenny McCarthy in part to thank for anti-vaxxers. She believes her child was diagnosed with autism due to vaccines. Right? She did her own independent research, and concluded that autism rates have risen with vaccination rates. Oh, correlation must cause causation, right? (sarcastic) She failed to control for variables such as chemicals used in construction, clothing, plastics, known carcinogens, diet, water, atmosphere, or countless other things she didn't control for.
Dick: Well, what about, like, the fact that we're paying attention to it now?
Dick: That's a pretty big control. The fact that the diagnosis -- like, we actually try to diagnose it now.
Maddox: What, autism?
Dick: It's a pretty big -- I would say that's bigger than all of the...the other, uh, things she didn't control for.
Maddox: Right. It's not necessarily that autism is on the rise, but it's that we're more, uh, able to diagnose it correctly.
Maddox: Because we have tools today that are able to diagnose autism that we didn't have in the past!
Maddox: Because it's not something that people were looking for, and autism wasn't always on a spectrum. So now we have a much greater understanding of autism. You're right, Dick. So, here's another celebrity. So people look up to Jenny McCarthy. Right? She -- her fans listen to her, they go out and they buy their...buy her book, and then they find out that she has this crazy fucking anti-vaxxer view, and then they might decide to be an anti-vaxxer because of her. Because these celebrities are influential, right?
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause what are they gonna say, their hero's an idiot? You can't say that.
Maddox: No! No, you can't. Well, speaking of, my hero's an idiot: Chuck Norris. (laughs)
Dick: Ohhh, no! (laughs loudly)
Maddox: Look, man. Chuck Norris is a badass in all his movies (cracks up) but in his real life he's kind of an idiot. He wants...he wanted Texas to secede from the Union because our government is too secular. Did you know that?
Dick: Uh, that's not...well, I guess I'm an idiot too, then. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: I don't think it's IDIOTIC to want that.
Maddox: To secede from the Union?! That's so fucking selfish! (yelling) That's making America weaker, if you have a huge fucking state like Texas secede from the Union? Fuck off!
Maddox: You don't like -- look -
Dick: (interjects) That's called a negotiation.
Maddox: No it's not, you moron! Look, the conservative version of liberals threatening to go to Canada is secession. So -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's true.
Maddox: Yeah. Conserv-... (both laugh) Exactly.
Dick: Well, goin' to Canada isn't so stupid either!
Maddox: Yes, it is.
Dick: Well, why?!? If ya hate the U.S., get outta here!
Maddox: Look, man. If there's a problem with the U.S., you...you tough it up, you stick it out, and you solve the problem. Right?
Dick: Ehhh. (dismissively)
Maddox: "Oh...oh, we got slavery! Let's just up and leave! Let's not solve SLAVERY." (Dick laughs) That's what... (cracks up) That's what people like Chuck Norris would do. They would try to secede. "Let's keep slavery, but let's also secede from America and destroy America."
Dick: Hey man, selfishness...uh, America's based on selfishness.
Maddox: Well, says YOU.
Dick: Don't ever forget that.
Maddox: Patricia Heaton. She's the wife of Ray on Everybody Loves Raymond.
Maddox: She's opposed to abortion and euthanasia. She opposed a Missouri state constitutional amendment for embryonic stem cell research.
Maddox: Which passed, by the way. (chuckling) (Dick sighs)
Dick: Well, yeah. (under his breath)
Maddox: Stem cell research is like, one of the best things that humanity has discovered -- you know what, that's a good fuckin' solution!
Dick: Pretty good solution. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah, it is!
Dick: Uh-oh! Dibs!! (laughs hysterically)
Maddox: Uh yeah, fuck you, Dick! (shouting) Not that it MATTERS, 'cause you're just gonna steal it like the Airline Surcharge one! (angrily) Anyway...Kirk Cameron. You remember Kirk Cameron? He was the star of Growing Pains from the '90s?
Dick: Yeah, I remember that guy.
Maddox: Yeah! He's a creationist.
Maddox: Who creates anti-evolution propaganda linking Darwinism to Nazi racial theories. (cracking up) (Dick laughs) He calls homosexuality "unnatural, detrimental, and ultimately destructive to the foundations of civilization." (cynical tone)
Maddox: Yeah! Kirk Cameron. All his acolytes, his fans who are looking up to him? They're gonna be anti-...they're gonna be homophobic!
Maddox: Donald Trump!
Dick: (interjects) You don't think people can just say, like, "Eh, fuck that part of his beliefs. I still like him as an actor, but..."
Maddox: Yeah, they CAN...the intelligent ones...
Dick: Yeah. Oh, okay.
Dick: So most people are...
Maddox: Most people are idiots.
Dick: Yeah, okay.
Maddox: Right? These are the people celebrities -- these are the people who adhere to celebrities. They look up to celebrities.
Dick: I don't know, I think...I think YOUR fans are able to say that snakes are cool! (taunting) They're able to say, "What the fuck is Maddox talkin' about with snakes?" (grinning)
Maddox: You know what? My fans are *mostly* intelligent until they disagree with me. (Dick laughs) Then you have Donald Trump. Right?
Dick: What?? What's wrong with HIM?
Maddox: (smirks) Everything. He's a moron! He kept hinting at a 2012 presidential run, wasted people's time just to promote his show, The Apprentice -
Dick: (chuckles) Genius.
Maddox: - he's done it time after time again. No, it's not. He...it's embarrassing.
Dick: Free advertising!
Maddox: Yeah, well it's not free, 'cause it comes at the expense of tax payers. 'Cause we have to give this idiot, this BOZO, air time to debate in the presidential debates when he's not serious about running!
Maddox: It costs you and me money! WE paid for that. Then he championed a cause for the Birther movement, doubting EVERY piece of evidence (Dick laughs) that proved him wrong, that Obama was born in the United States. He was one of the main reasons that 51 percent of primary voters believed that Obama was born in Kenya! Meanwhile, John McCain, who was running against Obama the first time, was actually born in the Panama Canal Zone. Which makes him NOT a naturalized U.S. citizen. So -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait. McCain??
Dick: Was born in Panama?
Dick: But in the...but in a U.S. *part* of Panama?
Dick: Like, some military...?
Maddox: No, it's the Panama Canal Zone, which makes him -- he is a U.S. citizen, but he's not a NATURALIZED U.S. citizen. He's not, he's not a natural -
Dick: (interjects) The fuck does that mean?
Maddox: Well, the difference is, if you have U.S. parents and you're born abroad or whatever, you can...I think, uh, that still makes you a U.S. citizen, but not a naturalized U.S. citizen. A naturalized U.S. citizen has to be born on American soil.
Maddox: The Panama Canal is not U.S. soil.
Maddox: Like, not officially. Not part of...not one of the states or anything like that. So, the laws about this are actually kinda murky.
Maddox: I even checked Snopes to make sure this checks out. Snopes said it's undetermined, because the laws are really murky on this. But...uh, realistically, John McCain is less of a naturalized citizen than Obama; Obama was actually born in Hawaii. So.
Dick: Yeah, that was still a fun ride though. When it was like, "Where was he born? Let's see the certificate!" (grinning)
Maddox: More wasting time.
Dick: Eh, what is life?? Come on!
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: It was fun to see on TV. (gleeful)
Maddox: Yeah. (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You dumb shit!")
Dick: Oho, yeah! I'm so stupid. (sardonic) (both laugh) I think it's entertaining to watch these blowhards power it out on television.
Maddox: Speaking of blowhards, John Wayne was pro-Vietnam War. GREAT war. Awesome war. (cynical) America got a lot outta that one, didn't they?
Maddox: So here's the thing, Dick. I was actually doin' some research -
Dick: (interjects) We got Forrest Gump out of it. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Oho, great! Got a movie. Billions of dollars, and we got one movie to show for it. I did this research, and -
Dick: (interjects) Apocalypse Now. We got TWO good movies out of it. Sorry. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah, but we also got, uh...what's his name, who went on the...the 'win' tour? Uh, from Two and A Half Men? Your hero?
Dick: Oh, Charlie Sheen?
Maddox: Charlie Sheen. Wasn't he in Apocalypse Now? That was...that's where he got his start, I think!
Dick: Oh, yeah... (pensively)
Maddox: Yeah! That's where he kinda got his big, uh -- that was his big role!
Dick: You don't like Charlie Sheen?
Maddox: Uh...Two and A Half Men is awful.
Dick: He was a truther, man! He was, uh, he was like all about getting...um, asking questions about the World Trade Center. Talk about celebrity worship. Because I loved that guy until I heard that and I was like, "Aw, shit."
Maddox: Yeah. Then let me say "no."
Maddox: I don't like him. So there's actually -- I looked into this, and there's a Wikipedia article called...uh, it's actually a syndrome. It's called Celebrity Worship Syndrome. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Celebrity_worship_syndrome]
Maddox: Yeah! This is an actual thing, so I started looking into this. There is a PhD, uh, by the name of John D. Moore. And he suggested in 2013 that there exists three primary types of celebrity stalkers. Right? There's Simple Obsessional -- that's the first one -- there's Love Obsessional, and the third one is Erotomanic. (Dick bursts out laughing)
Dick: What the hell does that mean? (through giggles)
Maddox: So the first one, Simple Obsessional, is 70 to 80 percent of all stalking cases. It's a form of stalking that's associated with individuals who have shared previous personal relationships with their victims. So people become, they become -
Dick: (interjects) Ex-girlfriends? Stuff like that?
Maddox: Yes. Yes, usually. So people who become obsessed with celebrities, so they become stalkers. That's the Simple Obsessional. They're usually kind of benign and harmless; they're not actually, you know, going to cause any harm. The second one is Love Obsessional. So, Love Obsessional stalking is the category that most celebrity stalkers fall into. They convince themselves that they are in a relationship with the celebrity, usually someone that they've never met. For example, David Letterman had a stalker for 5 years who claimed to be his wife -
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: - even though they had no personal relationship.
Dick: And that he was sending her secret encoded messages every night on TV.
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, that was funny.
Maddox: They believe that, yeah. Then the Erotomanic one -- that was the weird one, right? These comprise less than 10 percent of stalking cases. These stalkers genuinely believe that their victims are in love with them. Right? [quotes Wikipedia article] "Individuals who suffer from Erotomania tend to believe that the celebrity with whom they are obsessed is utilizing the media as a way to communicate - " what you just said, Dick " - with them by sending them special messages or signals."
Dick: Yeah! That was her.
Maddox: Usually -- right! It WAS her. And it's usually an indication of schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or severe depression.
Dick: You got two big ol' different problems here, though.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: 'Cause you got the autism one caused by Jenny McCarthy...
Dick: ...that's like, dangerous for people. Like uh, what if...I dunno, who's...? What if Lorde suddenly became a KKK member? That'd be bad.
Maddox: Yeah, and I think some percentage of her fan base would look into it very seriously.
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Dick: But then you got THIS one; this is like, this is schizophrenic people! Right?
Maddox: Well... (skeptical)
Dick: That's not harm-...I mean, these people are crazy if there's celebrities or not.
Maddox: But this is...this is the one part of it, right? But this is just the Erotomanic one. That's less than 10 percent of celebrity stalkers. But that's what celebrity worship leads to, is stalking. Uh, [continues quoting Wikipedia article] "One study found evidence to suggest that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was related to higher levels of depression and anxiety. Similarly, another study in 2004 found that the intense-personal celebrity worship dimension was not only related to higher levels of depression and anxiety, but also higher levels of stress, negative affect, and reports of illness." So all this, like, constant intense focus on celebrities in our culture is...
Maddox: ...is kind of enabling people with mental disorders to become stalkers and to act on their insane delusions.
Dick: Yeah, that's interesting.
Maddox: Yeah! Celebrity Worship Disorder. But celebrity worship, really...if you have...if you look up to a celebrity and they happen to have a really shitty point of view -- like, for example, that creationism is the belief that we should adhere to over evolution, or that homosexuality is destructive to society, or that we shouldn't vaccinate our children -- isn't that a huge fuckin' problem, Dick? More so than, say, uh...I don't know, bro-downs?
Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) No. (both laugh)
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "Crazy!") (laughs more)
Dick: What would it take...what if Godzilla came out as, like, a creationist? Would you stop being a Godzilla fan?
Maddox: Godzilla's a fictional character, Dick. And he can't talk.
Dick: What's the difference? All these celebrities are fictional fuckin' characters. That's the point. That's why it's weird when they come out with these hard stances on anything.
Maddox: I don't -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they're not REAL. You get this version of them that no human could possibly be.
Maddox: Dick, but they're influencing legislation! Like in Kansas City, they tried to...I think they successfully got creationism to be taught alongside evolution in biology classes.
Maddox: You don't think that's a problem?? And it's people like Kirk Cameron who are backing this shit, with his celebrity power. Er, his star power.
Dick: Yeah, I agree that it...I agree that it's a problem.
Maddox: Yeah, it IS a big problem. Thank you. What's your next problem, Dick?
Dick: My next problem...THIS is a more -- this is a bigger and more universal problem. 'Cause it affects *way* more people.
Maddox: Okay. (amused)
Dick: Undercooked rice.
Maddox: FUCK you, Dick!! (explosively) (Dick laughs) I know exactly what this is! (buzzer sound effect) You piss me off! (shouting angrily)
Dick: So... (mischievously) So, um, I got some stats for you. Rice is the main food for half the people in the world! Did you know that? (cheeky tone) But it was the food for ZERO people at Thanksgiving. (Maddox laughs) This year. 'Cause someone undercooked the rice. (breaking into a grin)
Maddox: You're so fulla shit, dude! (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "This guy is DUMB!")
Dick: Hold on, I have more stats for ya.
Dick: Rice is the source of one QUARTER of global per capita human energy. Did you know that?
Maddox: Yeah. (smirking)
Dick: A quarter of human energy, in the WORLD!
Maddox: Wow! Real impressive, asshole.
Dick: BUT, it was the source of one quarter of the *complaints* at Thanksgiving dinner this year.
Maddox: Yeah. Real funny, Dick. Real -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it was undercooked.
Maddox: Real funny. (sound clip of Angelo's mom saying, "You suck.") Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. (dismissively) 11 percent of the world's arable land is given over to rice cultivation. Did you know that? 500 million hectares.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (sighs)
Dick: But -- 11 percent! But 100 percent of the rice Maddox made for Thanksgiving was undercooked. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick.
Dick: These are interesting stats! Don't you think? (grinning)
Maddox: I'm so tired of your shit! (Dick laughs) (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "How DARE you!")
Dick: And I got -- this one was particularly interesting: it takes 5,000 liters of water to produce a kilo of rice. HOWEVER, it only takes one guy to not cook rice enough to eat.
Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") Yeah, Dick. I actually... ( sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.") (Dick laughs) I have a stats for ya, right? One hundred percent of the dishes...were made by other people at Thanksgiving. Dick brought NO side dishes. *Dick* brought nothing but Mount Gay alcohol that he drank all by himself.
Dick: I also brought beer.
Maddox: Great. (dryly)
Dick: I brought a 30-pack of Bud Light for everyone...
Dick: ...and I brought a 12-pack of, um...Fat Tire for me.
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up) Yeah, that you drank by yourself, like an asshole.
Dick: You, you undercooked...
Maddox: No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't.
Dick: ...the rice at Thanksgiving.
Maddox: No, it wasn't undercooked.
Dick: I just -- so everyone knows what we're talking about.
Dick: Some...SOMEONE made undercooked rice at Thanksgiving.
Maddox: (talking over Dick) It's not undercooked. You're a moron.
Dick: It was cr-...well, how would you determine if rice is undercooked or not? I wanna be scientific and objective about this.
Maddox: Well, if the grains of rice are crunchy...
Dick: Yes. (smiling)
Maddox: ...it's undercooked.
Dick: Bingo! They were.
Maddox: Right? But they *weren't.* (Dick laughs) You know what WAS crunchy in my rice...'kay? (Dick keeps laughing) So here's, here's the full story. I was invited to a Thanksgiving party, and I said right up top, "Hey guys, I'll make a fuckin' badass pie! Better than any fuckin' grandma can make!" 'Cause that's what I do, man! (yelling) I take Grandma's recipes and BLOW them outta the water, baby! I make 'em WAY better than they were.
Dick: That's true! I love your, uh, your pies.
Maddox: Yeah! And I made this beautiful, lattice-top apple pie with intertwined lattices on top, crust from scratch...it was delicious. And THEN I also noticed that multiple people were bringing pies, so I thought, "Well, I don't wanna be that guy bringing extra pie to a party!"
Dick: It's a showy thing to bring.
Maddox: What, PIE?!
Maddox: YOU'RE a showy thing to bring!
Dick: You get -- nonononono, I'm saying everybody brings it because they...it's like a newborn.
Dick: At a potluck. Like, "Look at this beautiful pie I made." No one appreciates...a big bowl of rice. Especially if it's undercooked!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, Dick. Uh, I'm getting to that. (Dick laughs) So I noticed all these people are bringin' pie, so I said, "You know what, guys? Instead of pie, I'll bring my FESTIVE Motherfuckin' Rice." And that's what I call it, OR, my Hella Festive Rice. Right? But...I decided at the last minute, "You know what?"
Maddox: "I'm gonna go all out, and I'm gonna bring both! I'm gonna bring pie...AND rice."
Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
Maddox: And so I have this recipe from my mom, who's a great cook...
Maddox: ...and she makes this pilaf rice. Right? With, uh, with a bunch of interesting -- like delicious things, like chestnuts and cranberries and apricots, and, and...almonds, and walnuts, and all sorts of, like, interesting stuff with wild rice, and she makes this DELICIOUS dish for Thanksgiving.
Maddox: It's kind of a Mediterranean recipe, 'cause my mom's from that region of the world, right? So I looked it up online to find a recipe like that, and I found one! And part of that recipe called for...toasted slivers of almonds.
Maddox: And THAT'S what I put in my rice, and that's what every *fucking* uneducated, uncultured MORON, who's used to eating just boring mashed potatoes with slabs of butter like a fucking DOUCHE, thought was crunchy! (Dick sighs) They thought it was undercooked rice! 'Cause they don't...they don't even have a refined enough palate to determine when their tongue is eating something CLEARLY that's an almond, versus a grain of rice! (yelling angrily) That's impossible to undercook, 'cause I'm not a fucking DOPE.
Dick: Buddy, I know the difference between almonds and rice.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: Let me start with that. (smiling)
Maddox: No, you don't.
Dick: I...I *do.*
Maddox: You don't!
Dick: I do!
Maddox: I MADE it for ya, and you failed the test! 'Cause you thought the rice was undercooked! (cracking up)
Dick: I could look at it with my eyeballs, and pluck out the almonds. (cheekily)
Maddox: Dick, you are such a dumb shit. (Dick laughs) I ate the rice after it was cooked to make sure that it was COOKED, and THEN I added the almonds, which were crunchy! And that's what the recipe calls for. In fact, I have a recipe up on my screen, Dick!
Dick: Yeah, the... (dying from laughter)
Maddox: It's called Apricot Almond Rice Pilaf, and here's what the description right up top. It says, "This rice pilaf recipe combines crunchy almonds and sweet, chewy apricots for an easy dinner side with Mediterranean flair." (matter of factly) [ http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/recipefinder/apricot-almond-rice-pilaf-recipe-ghk0413 ]
Maddox: That's what -
Dick: (interjects) I know that that's the RECIPE...
Maddox: No you don't!!
Dick: Well, I -
Maddox: (interjects) You thought it was crunchy rice, like a fucking ape! (shouting)
Dick: I thought it was uncooked rice! It wasn't big slivers of rice, it was just the TIPS of the rice.
Maddox: It wasn't the tips. (chuckling) I got a tip for ya! (Dick laughs)
Dick: Look, what would it take to convince you? What if I got sworn affidavits? Anonymous affidavits from everyone at Thanksgiving.
Maddox: So, here's...while Dick is being a huge asshole, (Dick cackles loudly) not contributing anything to the party, and I'm SLAVING away making rice dishes, festive motherfuckin' rice dishes with almond slivers -- TOASTED almond slivers, no less...
Dick: Yeah. (disdainful)
Maddox: ...I brought this delicious rice dish to the party. Which, by the way, there was less than a third left when I left the party! Most people ate the rice. Uh, but someone at the party -- and Dick denies this -- but someone at the party went around and, as a joke, started telling people, "Hey man, why don't you shit on Maddox's dish?" Because I was wearing this awesome pilgrim hat at the party. I looked like a -
Dick: (interjects) So you wanna...you wanna take that as "shit on Maddox's rice." (sneering)
Maddox: Yeah. "Shit on Maddox's rice." Right?
Dick: Yeah. (amused) Shitting on Maddox's DICK would be something that I would...
Maddox: No! I said "dish"! (annoyed) I said... (cracks up)
Dick: ...that would be a funny prank that *I* would try to do. Shitting on the rice, little too subtle. (grinning)
Maddox: Great. (about to laugh) I said "dish," asshole. (Dick laughs) So I'm wearing this...this beautiful pilgrim hat, right? I look like a fuckin' PILGRIM, like a badass! And I was the HIT of the party, baby! (yelling) I'm walkin' in, makin' jokes, keepin' things lively!
Dick: Mm. (skeptical)
Maddox: NOT throwin' oranges at beer pong tables, NOT pissin' people off! And everyone's like, "You know what? Maddox is ridin' high. Let's knock him down a peg. Let's shit on Maddox's good time and his good dish, flavored with a little pinch of sage, and a...and a dash of rosemary! What a delicious dish with wild rice, toasted almond slivers, and cranberries! What a DELICIOUS dish." Right?? (still yelling)
Maddox: But instead, some jealous prick at that party (Dick cracks up) walked around and told everybody, "Hey man, as a prank, why don't you shit on Maddox's dish?" And so the first girl did it and I thought, "Okay, I see what's goin' on."
Dick: A GIRL did it first.
Maddox: Yeah...yeah, yeah. A girl did it.
Dick: Oh, that's a lot -- you're sayin' a GIRL started this prank?
Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah!
Dick: I don't know, man.
Maddox: Nonono, she's the first person who SAID it, but someone told her to do it. Right? Then, THEN -
Dick: (interjects) I...that sounds like a pretty big conspiracy to me. (teasing)
Maddox: Yeah. (smiling) No, this isn't a conspiracy, 'cause I found out! So then, someone else did it. And then a THIRD person did it. And then by the fourth person, people are running out of ways to shit on my rice! So somebody said, "Oh, and it's undercooked." I'm like, "Uh-uh, uh-uh." ( buzzer sound effect) "I gotta buzz ya on that one." (buzzer sound effect) "NOT undercooked. It's actually almond slivers, ya dipshit." (scathingly)
Maddox: Dick, don't you think I know how to cook rice?! (yelling)
Dick: Uh...yeah! (hesitantly) I ate the rice.
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "Go to hell and STAY there!")
Dick: Bacillus cereus? That's, uh, that's a type of bacteria... (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! (through giggles)
Dick: ...you can get from undercooked rice.
Maddox: Piece of shit!
Dick: It competes with, uh, with salmonella! It can cause emetic vomiting, nausea-inducing strain...uh, when rice is undercooked.
Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) You know, Dick, I -
Dick: (interjects) It can lead to vomiting and...within the first 24 hours. (trailing off)
Maddox: I...I would have *loved* nothing more, knowing what pricks you guys were gonna be (Dick giggles) at that Thanksgiving dinner -
Maddox: - than to undercook my rice and make all of you sick and/or kill all of you. Like I would...I would just go home and sleep like a baby. I'd be like, "Welp! You know, the rice was undercooked but they were assholes! They had it comin'."
Dick: Lectin. (Maddox cracks up) That's something else that comes from undercooked rice. It's a protein that serves as a natural insecticide, with a strong affinity for carbohydrates. Insecticide, that's in undercooked rice. This is a big problem! All these people are eating it, I'm saying. This is a big, global problem. Undercooked rice. It's not all...it's not -
Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "I never heard such a dumb thing!")
Dick: It's not ALL about you. You're just one tiny part of it.
Maddox: Yeah. (quietly) Anything else, Dick? You have... (stammers) ...any way else you wanna shit on my generosity, good will, and hard work? (raising his voice)
Dick: Uh, the outer cellulose on rice?
Maddox: Uh-huh. (dryly)
Dick: It doesn't get broken down.
Dick: If it's undercooked. Uh, it can lead to poor digestion.
Maddox: I'm gonna break down your outer coating after this show. (quietly; menacing) (Dick cracks up)
Dick: You're about to have a bro-down.
Maddox: My vein is fucking bulging right now. (Dick laughs harder) Guess which one.
Dick: That's it, it just -- it screws with your digestive health.
Maddox: Yeah! (sarcastic)
Dick: I mean, that's a problem for this...for, uh, all these people...
Dick: ...eating rice.
Dick: That's what I'm saying. Global -- GLOBALLY!
Maddox: Globally! (mocking)
Dick: Globally, rice probably gets undercooked a lot! You know?
Maddox: Probably not, Dick. It's one of the easiest things to cook.
Dick: You'd THINK that, but then at Thanksgiving you fucked it up! (laughs hysterically)
Maddox: I didn't fuck it up, ya MORON. You FUCKING ape, you fucking monkey. (monkeys whooping sound effect) That's what you are. (suddenly yells) Guys, vote up monkeys, 'cause Dick's one of 'em!! Biggest problem in the universe, Dick Masterson!
Dick: Main food for half the people in the world, man.
Dick: Imagine if half of the people in the world had to eat undercooked rice. We'd have a big...we'd have an epidemic! (wryly)
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You dumb shit!") Okay. I'm DONE. I'm done. I don't care if ya got more BULLSHIT-ass stats, Dick. 'Cause I got a real problem.
Dick: What? (smiling)
Maddox: Hipsters! [plays clip from song "Being a Dickhead's Cool": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVmmYMwFj1I]
(upbeat synths and drums)
Male Singer: I love my life as a dickheeeead! All my friends are dickheeeeads too!
Maddox: Hipsters, buddy! You know what that song -- that's from, uh, Reuben...I think, Reuben Dangoor. [clip fades out] That was a song on YouTube called "Being a Dickhead's Cool," and it came out about hipsters a while back. Hipsters!
Dick: (interjects) I love that song. That's a classic.
Maddox: It's a classic! It's a great song, and it's about hipsters!
Maddox: Which are a big problem. Alright, Dick. Long time ago when I was in college, in my level 101 Philosophy course, the first thing my professor said on the first day of class was, "Philosophy can't be defined." I remember writing "this is bullshit" down in my notes. (chuckling) 'Kay? 'Cause I hate it when people try to ascribe the attribute "undefinable" to a large, well-known group. Specifically, hipsters! And undefinable is what hipsters would like you to THINK they are. And they've come closer than ANY other group before them of capturing this dubious honor. Even more so than goths! You believe that, Dick?
Dick: Goths are undefinable??
Maddox: Well, they'd like to think they are! But they're -
Dick: (interjects) They all dress in black all the time! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: And talk about despair.
Maddox: Yeah! And hip--
Dick: (interjects) How is that undefinable?
Maddox: Right, and hipsters have their uniform too. They don't like to be defined, yet they listen to indie and non-mainstream music...
Maddox: ...they shop at vintage and thrift stores; they're either politically progressive or liberal; they eat organic, locally-grown, sustainable food; you know, all these buzzwords. They like those to be on the labels, right? Or at least they *think* they do. They dress in skinny jeans or wear Toms, and wear loafers without socks, which makes their feet STINK. Hipsters smell!
Dick: H'okay. (chuckling)
Maddox: Their feet REEK! I got in an argument one time on IRC with this guy who SWORE up and down that wearing loafers without socks doesn't make your feet smell. I'm like, "Yes, it does!"
Dick: Loafers are leather sandals?
Maddox: Yeah, loafers are like, leather business shoes without socks.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Okay.
Maddox: I -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, those are gonna stink.
Maddox: Yeah, they're gonna stink because the sweat STAYS...the sweat and bacteria that's growing on your feet, that are sweating all day in that warm, damp environment that's a PERFECT cauldron of bacteria?
Maddox: You couldn't find a petri dish more perfect than a loafer with no socks on. (raising his voice) That's what you're wearing day after day without washing it! When you wear socks, you sweat into the socks and then CHANGE them every day, so it diminishes the amount of bacteria that sits around in your shoes, you FUCKING idiots!
Dick: Yeah, but this is something that all hipsters do? Not wear socks in...moccasins, or whatever?
Maddox: No. Most of them. It -
Dick: (interjects) Uh... (sighs, puzzled) Heh, do you have a stats for that, or is that just your argument over IRC? (amused)
Maddox: Yeah. My stats is just seeing them all over the fuckin' world.
Dick: Oho, 'kay. (scoffing)
Maddox: They don't stand for anything. This is one of my big problems with hipsters; they don't stand for anything! Right? They don't create anything new. All they do is reappropriate other cultures and decades before them. They're not creating new art, they're not creating new...new, uh, music, new TV shows, new anything! Hipsters just reappropriate the '80s and '90s and '70s.
Dick: What about all those...that music you say they listen to, though?
Maddox: Indie music. Indie music has always been around, but they specifically just listen to, uh, indie music. I guess there's kind of, like, a hipster indie music now...indie scene.
Dick: Yeah, sure!
Dick: What about like, Arcade Fire? Is that a hipster band?
Maddox: It is. But they also listen to it only up until the point it becomes popular, and once it becomes mainstream they stop listening to it. And no, that's not a stereotype. So, as I mentioned...they stink.
Maddox: They only drink really shitty beer, like PBR, *or* really expensive craft beer.
Dick: Well, you got me now.
Dick: Because I hate the PBRs all over the place.
Maddox: PBR is the worst.
Dick: It's disgusting. I don't care if Dennis Hopper drank it in, uh, Blue Velvet. It's gross.
Maddox: You know, Dick, the first time -- I have a story. The first time I ever tried PBR, it was at a party, and I've always seen the hipsters drink it and I thought, "You know, that beer...I'm not gonna try." But this is the ONLY beer this fuckin' hipster party had. So I reach into the bucket and I pulled out a PBR, cracked it open, took a sip, and it was...I spit it out because I thought, "Oh, I must've drank the water that was around the rim!" (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Right? The ice water. So I spit it out, I wiped the rim clean, make sure there's no more ice water on it, and I drank another sip (cracking up) and I spit it out again!
Maddox: That was the actual beer. It tastes SO godawful. It tastes like...it tastes like a bucket of ice water.
Dick: No, you know what...what hipsters have always made me think of, regarding their beer especially, is like, kids who are drinking when their parents are away for the first time?
Dick: Like 13-year-old kids, just trying to ease their way into beer.
Dick: Because they didn't do it when they were younger! Now they're adults and they're like, "Uh-oh. I'm totally insecure about beer."
Dick: "But I gotta do it 'cause I'm an adult, so maybe I'll just...GLOM onto this shitty beer. 'Cause I don't know the difference."
Maddox: Yeah, well, that's a good theory Dick. My theory, though, is that they do it for the *aesthetic.* And that leads me to my next -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's true.
Maddox: Yeah! That leads me to my BIGGEST problem with hipsters: they're insincere. Which is a word I've used to describe you, Dick. You may be the biggest hipster of all!
Dick: No, I've been called a hipster before.
Maddox: Yeah! I believe it.
Dick: I've been called everything, probably, but...
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) Yeah, you have!
Dick: ...I've been called a hipster.
Maddox: So they're insincere, Dick. They use poverty as their main aesthetic, which is...really disrespectful to people who are actually poor. The skinny jeans look that hipsters like to wear -- they like to wear skinny jeans, right? That came from people in school who outgrew their jeans, but couldn't afford to buy new ones. I knew that kid in school! He wore these jeans that looked like they were crawling up on his legs, so...so they looked like they were too short. That's the hipster aesthetic!
Dick: I don't know that that's where it COMES from.
Maddox: That's where I believe it comes from!
Dick: That's not the etymology of skinny jeans, that's a deliberate FASHION choice.
Maddox: Skinny jeans??
Maddox: Of course! Yeah.
Dick: It didn't come from POOR kids, did it?
Maddox: Well, that's what -- hipsters like to look poor. So these jeans look too tight on them, not...not out of vanity, but out of necessity! So the hipsters kinda glommed onto that 'cause they want to give the appearance that they are poor, that they are of the earth, of the working class. They didn't want to wear skinny jeans; they HAD to. The poor people.
Maddox: Right? And now hipsters are mocking their poverty by turning it into vanity. Yet they're all rich! They're entitled Millenials who live off of their parents' income.
Dick: You got alotta "all"s in here. *All* hipsters are rich?
Maddox: Most of them.
Dick: You don't think they're -- really?!
Dick: What percentage of hipsters do you think are rich?
Maddox: Well, if they're not rich...I would say at least 50 percent. If they're not rich, then they're living off their parents.
Dick: Well, I'll tell you something that I DO know. Uh, the Millenial generation is like, buying houses at a shockingly low rate.
Dick: Houses and expensive cars? They just buy the cheapest of everything. I think it's just 'cause they don't...CARE as much as we do, as Generation X, about that stuff. Like they don't see a car as a symbol of anything anymore.
Dick: A car, for us -- and I think specifically for us, definitely for our parents -- was something that you use to access the world.
Dick: Right? Like when you were 16 and when I was 16, you got a car, all of a sudden you're free. And they've grown up in this world where the Internet's always at their -- the world's always at their fingertips.
Dick: So, is it really -- is it trying to LOOK poor, or is it just not having the same values as us?
Maddox: Well, they don't have the drive, they don't have the same values. Also they're lazy; they're not getting jobs, they're living with their parents.
Dick: Mmm... (skeptical)
Maddox: If they're not living with their parents, then their parents are paying for them to come out to Hollywood and become writers.
Maddox: So that's why you walk into a coffee shop and every fucking hipster ROLLS their eyes as soon as you walk in. They don't wanna give you good service...you know what, dickhead? I know you haven't sold your script yet, but serve me my fucking coffee without the attitude.
Maddox: Okay? I walk into a coffee shop in Koreatown...the Korean work ethic is COMPLETELY different. They -- they're wearing suits, they're wearing ties, they're wearing APRONS. They look nice, they greet you with "hello" and "thank you"...
Maddox: ...and "goodbye"! They come to your table, the service is snappy, and they care about their product! (yelling)
Maddox: That's what I miss! We've LOST that.
Dick: Do you think everybody under 25 is a hipster?
Maddox: No. (chuckling) No, definitely not.
Maddox: So, here's -- I wanna go on. They've ruined handlebar mustaches. (Dick smirks) Right, Dick? They all look like 1920s boxers, but they're all frail, thin-framed PUSSIES who are too passive, doughy, and mush-mouthed to fight for ANYTHING that doesn't start with the word "star" and end with the word "bucks."
Dick: Heh, okay. (unsure) Starbucks is a little...little old.
Maddox: Yeah, well, they're still -- they're -
Dick: (interjects) Intelligentsia now.
Maddox: No no, that's what they LIKE. They're fighting against Starbucks. They're raging against the machine.
Dick: Oh, fighting *against* Starbucks. Yeah.
Maddox: Our fathers' generation stared down Nazis and gutted them with bayonets. Right? The hipster generation fights its battles by buying overpriced coffee and artisanal bread. (disdainful) That's the battleground we're at! Our fathers' generation believed in prayer, hard work, and charity. Hipsters believe in good vibes, positive energy, and locally-grown vegetables.
Dick: Yeah! (quietly)
Maddox: Bunch of FUCKIN' assholes.
Dick: That's the...you would rather have prayer than -
Dick: - locally-grown vegetables? (cracking up)
Maddox: You know what, man? At least you had good fuckin' intentions, rather than JUDGMENT. That's all...that's all the good vibes thing is. Like, everyone on Facebook is too afraid to say, "Pray for me 'cause my family's sick." Everyone always says, "Gimme good thoughts and positive energy!" What's the difference??
Dick: Uh...I don't know.
Dick: I don't know how to answer that. What's the difference between "pray for me" and "give me good vibes"?
Maddox: There's no difference.
Dick: Why does it upset you?
Maddox: Because they're...they're only doin' it because of some vanity issue. They want to appear hip and edgy, and like they're progressive and liberal, but they're not! They're the exact same as our fathers' generation, just a PUSSIER version of it. They're TOO COWARDLY to stand for anything. They don't stand for anything!!
Dick: Why do they...why do they HAVE to?
Maddox: Because if you don't stand for anything, you'll fall for anything! (yelling) (Dick laughs)
Dick: Ha! I don't...just because something *sounds* good, doesn't make it true!
Maddox: Well, that's true!
Dick: Like what do you mean, just 'cause they don't stand for anyth-- like, what would you...prefer them to stand for? You like ideological battlegrounds.
Dick: Is that an accurate statement?
Maddox: Not as a principle!
Dick: Then what's...? Well then, what does it mean to just stand for something for the sake of standing for something?
Maddox: Well, it's not. (exasperated) If you stand for something...like, for example, our fathers' generation stood for a lot of virtues that we've kind of lost today. Like hard work! Why don't you stand for hard work??
Dick: I think...I think that's YOUR father's generation. 'Cause we got -- our fathers are in different generations! Remember?
Maddox: Well, that's true!
Maddox: So you don't think hard work is a virtue, Dick?
Dick: (exhales thoughtfully) Uh...it depends.
Maddox: Dick, everything -
Dick: (interjects) If you're, uh, if you're building a Nazi war machine, I don't know necessarily that it's a virtue. (chuckling)
Maddox: Well, that's true, but they...they lost the war because of our fathers' generation. OUR fathers' generation.
Dick: YOUR father's generation.
Maddox: Well, fine. They ride fixed gear bikes for the aesthetic...they're not more functional but they *look* cool. Right? You know what else looks cool? Not having to push your bike up a hill because you're too much of a DIPSHIT to get a bike with gears. A practical bike!
Maddox: Yeah! They clog bandwidth at every fucking concert or event with a nonstop stream of shitty Instagram photos.
Maddox: Newsflash: your life isn't that fucking interesting to document 3 or 4 times per HOUR. Nobody cares! (yelling) Our fathers parachuted out of planes and fist-fought FASCISTS, and they only have a few shitty black-and-white photos to commemorate it! That and permanent injuries. SCARS. Which hipsters don't have. While you eat cornmeal and blueberry pancakes and take 3 photos of them from different angles for your shitty Tumblr blog that nobody reads.
Dick: Yeah. (unsure)
Maddox: That's what we're dealing with! These fuckin' hipsters. They listen to intentionally inferior formats like vinyl to stay in line with their hipster aesthetic.
Dick: Vinyl isn't inferior.
Maddox: Yes, it -- ohh! (laughing derisively) Here we go, Dick!
Dick: It's different. (smiling) No, nonononononono.
Maddox: You hipster. (grinning)
Dick: Analog...yeah. Records are different than CDs.
Dick: They're ref-...I'm sorry. CDs? (cracking up) Records are different than MP3s.
Maddox: Yeah, they have shittier sound fidelity.
Dick: No, they're better, man! Do you understand the technology that goes into a record versus an MP3?
Dick: It's...it's compressed! It's necessarily worse!
Maddox: No, it's not.
Dick: There's no warmth! Yes, it is.
Maddox: You can have fla-...you can have uncompressed formats! And also, Dick, there is a granularity with which we cannot discern any difference between quality. You've seen waveforms, right?
Maddox: The Fourier series?
Maddox: You've seen waveforms...?
Dick: I know what a waveform is.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah!
Dick: I'm looking at several right now. (wryly) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Great! (sarcastic) But same thing with, uh, resolution on monitors. That's why I brought in that 4K problem, because there's a certain point at which our eyes and ears cannot perceive any difference in quality!
Dick: I don't know why you hate that -- like, it's fun! To listen to a vinyl.
Maddox: Oh, GREAT. (annoyed) It's fun.
Dick: It is! It's fun.
Dick: What's the purpose of listening to music? Fun!
Dick: So it's more enjoyable for them to listen through a vinyl -- like, let's forget all the tech-nerd stuff. It's just more fun for them to use a vinyl! It's reliving an experience...it's reliving a more human experience that we don't have access to today with all these stupid gizmos and gadgets. Something about -- which is fine! What is the problem with that??
Maddox: Dick, they're not reliving anything, 'cause they didn't live it the FIRST time. They're posing!! They're posers. It's all about looks and aesthetics, dude. They just wanna look like they're...cultured and they have some reason, some higher-level reason, to listen to vinyl. Because there's more SOUL in vinyl, man. (heavily mocking)
Dick: There is! (quietly)
Maddox: "Hipsters"...starts with "hippies"! Huh?
Maddox: Hipsters and hippies.
Dick: I don't know why you hate...you hate them a lot on their wardrobe.
Maddox: Oh, I hate everything about them.
Dick: But who doesn't have a wardrobe? What group doesn't have...
Dick: ...a wardrobe? You, you wear...you're wearing a Kool-Aid Man shirt right now. (slowly for emphasis)
Dick: That goes, that -- Kool-Aid Man? Your jack-o'-lantern pumpkin face? A BRIGHT orange, obnoxious shirt with a jack-o'-lantern face on it?
Maddox: Pretty cool!
Dick: A giant Godzilla shirt?
Dick: A Contra shirt?
Dick: You don't see the similarities between all these?
Maddox: No! Other than they're awesome.
Dick: Like, the video game hipster shit?
Maddox: What, is awesome now a uniform?! 'Cause that's what I wear all the time, baby. (raising his voice) (Dick laughs)
Dick: I don't know. That's awfully arbitrary to bust somebody on their fashion, I think.
Maddox: No, it's not! Their fashion is...it's a uniform! They try to be individual, but they all stick together and they dress similarly, listen to similar music, shop for similar CLOTHES, they have similar philosophies...
Dick: Yeah, it's -
Maddox: ...they're all fucking PUSSIES together. That's what they are.
Dick: It's called a culture! (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah. You know what it's called?
Dick: That's what it is!
Dick: What do they do that's so bad?? Besides not buy a lot of shit and not listen to the same music you listen to?
Maddox: Oh, I'll tell you what, Dick. No, I don't *want* them to listen to my music. I would HATE that. They gentrify neighborhoods, while simultaneously bitching about gentrified neighborhoods! (Dick guffaws) They are their own biggest problem, Dick! And if they'd only pull their heads out of their asses to come up and BREATHE every now and then?
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: They'd see themselves for what they are! Non-contributing NOBODIES. And they'd throw themselves off the Brooklyn Bridge, so that their smelly, insincere death grip on cities like Williamsburg in New York, Wicker Park in Chicago, The Mission in San Francisco, and Shoreditch and Camden Town in London can go back to being functional cities again! (shouting)
Dick: Yeah...I don't know where the line...what is a hipster and what isn't a hipster anymore. 'Cause you got all that stuff, but is the guy who made Tumblr a hipster or not? Are the kids -- are the Millenials that are driving the future of technology, are they ALL hipsters? Or is it just the ones wearing skinny jeans? To you?
Maddox: Hipsters, Dick, for the most part are underachieving, unachieved, unaccomplished nobodies.
Dick: So, is that...is that part of the definition? Do they have to be underachieving and unaccomplished no-ones?
Maddox: That's what it says!
Dick: But what...
Maddox: The definition -- I looked it up! That's what it says: they're underachieving and unaccomplished.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: Well then, I guess you want them to be working like, in the salt mines?
Maddox: Dick, lemme ask -- lemme just describe this scenario. This is a real-life scenario. I know this guy who went to American Eagle and bought a new polo shirt. Brand new! Took it home with a pair of scissors, and cut the American Eagle logo out of it. And wore it around like a DIPSHIT with a hole in his shirt.
Dick: Ha! Yeah, I mean...
Maddox: What do you...?! What's the fucking POINT, asshole?? You're ruining your own fucking shirt! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! (beside himself)
Dick: So, you're pissed about them wearing the same clothes, but then when they try to do somethin' new...
Maddox: THEY'RE NOT DOING SOMETHIN' NEW, MAN!! (roaring) Your shirt gets old and get holes in it! Look, I have a...I have a pair of jeans in my closet that looks cool as shit! Looks like designer jeans, 'cause the knee's torn, I have a hole in my pocket...
Maddox: ..but it BECAME that way...it became that way through lots of wear and tear, not because I bought it and fucking put scissors to my own clothes, like an IDIOT! Like a DIPSHIT. I wanna wear my clothes, I want it to LAST a while! That's why I don't wear Toms!!
Dick: So, it's okay to look poor, as long as you wore the jeans in over years instead of...manually.
Maddox: It's not that I -
Dick: (interjects) Is that what you're saying?
Maddox: It's not that I look *poor.* I'm not trying to look poor!
Dick: Well, with the holes-in-jeans look. What do the holes in the jeans say, then?
Maddox: Well, no longer poor! Now they look hip! Unintentionally so.
Maddox: Why? Because fuckin' hipsters made it...made it look cool! Look, if I grew up in the '80s, or early in the '80s and I had jeans like that and they got holes? I would throw those jeans away because everyone would look at me and be like, "Well, that guy's poor." But NOW I can just wear those around, and now it's a hip thing! And people think oh, I musta spent lots of money on those jeans. No! No, dipshit! These jeans are just old.
Dick: I don't know if anyone would assume that about you. (Maddox chuckles) That you spent a lot of money on your jeans. (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: FUCK you, Dick!
Dick: I know -- like, I get the rage. Well...okay, I understand that you HAVE a lot of rage for hipsters, but I don't under-...I honestly don't understand why.
Maddox: Their insincerity doesn't bother you, Dick? The fact that they don't stand for anything doesn't bother you?
Dick: Well... (sighs) I don't need them to explain why they like what they like. Like, I don't need them to give me a sincere explanation of why they like alternative music. You know?
Maddox: I don't care that they like alternative music. They like it because it's, they think that they are...uh, that they are TRAILBLAZERS, Dick. They think they are cultural trailblazers. (heavily mocking) They think they're SO fuckin' smart.
Dick: Doesn't everybody...doesn't everybody think that?
Dick: Doesn't every generation and every group think that they're doing something new?
Maddox: No! No, they don't.
Maddox: Our fathers' generation was worried about living. And not getting drafted to a war and getting shot or stabbed by a Nazi.
Dick: I -- you are overly romanticizing that whole generation.
Maddox: Wellll, you know. They had the -
Dick: (interjects) Worrying about getting stabbed? And that's a different generation than MY father, and other -- like, that's...I'm talking about, like...uh, my dad's in his 60s.
Dick: They weren't worried about World War II.
Dick: They were trying to dodge the Vietnam War draft.
Dick: Which is a *good* thing.
Dick: Yeah. That's not the World War -- "The Greatest Generation," quote unquote? Tom Brokaw's Greatest Generation?
Dick: Uh... (sighs) I dunno. They get an awful lot of credit for fighting Nazis, but it...is that what the entire generation should be credited for?
Maddox: Well...I mean, they had their flaws too. They had problems.
Maddox: It wasn't a perfect generation, no. But that's...at least they had work ethic. At least they gave a shit about SOMETHING. They gave a shit about their JOBS. If you walk into a hipster coffee shop? Oh, fuckin' good luck gettin' service!
Dick: You know -
Maddox: (interjects) Wait 'til they finish texting or Instagramming before they come to give you your fucking coffee! I want -
Dick: (interjects) Honestly, where...?
Maddox: Yeah. [indicating for Dick to talk]
Dick: Sorry. Honestly, where does that get you?
Dick: Giving a shit about your job and slugging it away for 60 years? Where the fuck does that get you? Why...? They SHOULD -- hipsters SHOULD not give a shit about their jobs. What are they, making some other guy money with their time? Fuck it!
Maddox: (chuckles derisively) Dick, weren't you just arguing last episode that people should improve their situation and that should be an incentive for them to get out of their job? Now you're saying "fuck it"??
Dick: No! I'm...
Maddox: They shouldn't...work hard for The Man?
Dick: I'm saying you shouldn't just show up for the sake of showing up! Like, you shouldn't be...just the same way I said you shouldn't be afraid to ask for a raise. You shouldn't just show up and work because like, you're...you have this engrained ideal to do it, thinking that there's a payoff somewhere down the road. And I think that's part of it. Like I think they saw their grandparents and parents get kicked around by companies, so they feel like "Eh!" You know? There's no REWARD in slaving over this job, so why should I do it?
Maddox: Fuck it. Why not? (cynical) Just live at home. Don't contribute.
Dick: Well... (dubious)
Maddox: Don't buy a house! Don't fuel the economy. Don't be somebody that CONTRIBUTES anything to the economy. Why don't you just live at home under your parents' roof where it's safe and cushy, and knock up your ugly girlfriend in a hot tub like Butt Sanchez? Why don't you just become a hipster?
Dick: If that works for you...plenty of cultures around the world have all of the family living under one roof.
Dick: I mean, you know THAT.
Dick: Like, there's no...this nuclear family thing is something that's new in America since like the '50s, or whatever.
Maddox: But they do it because of their CULTURE. (annoyed) Do you want to be like them, Dick? Do you wanna live at home with your mom and dad and sneak your girlfriend in at night? That's fuckin' lame.
Dick: I wouldn't have to sneak her in! (cracks up) I'm an adult man!
Maddox: Well, not if you're living at home you're not! You're a fuckin' pussy!
Maddox: Move out, buddy!
Dick: Yeah, no. (amused) I guess so. I just don't understand the hatred. I don't understand why SO many people pick on hipsters for what seems to be...not that great of a slight. Right? Like, hipsters didn't really -- all they did was not care about your opinion.
Maddox: Yeah. And -
Dick: (interjects) And THAT seems to *infuriate* people.
Maddox: They don't care about anything, dude. They don't stand for anything. And coffee shops are expensive -- if hipsters ran the world, if hipsters ran cities, every coffee shop would be too fuckin' expensive to step into. Every piece of food that you buy would come with a paragraph of describing how it's...massaged down from heaven! (Dick laughs) From uh, an organic, locally-grown, sustainable farm where it's fair trade and organic, and the chickens are free-range, and they've...they're told jokes every day, and they're made sure to feel happy! (contemptuously) (Dick laughs harder) That's what fuckin' hipsters believe in, NOTHING! Nothing! They're buyin' BULLSHIT. Bullshit! You know what? MY shirts are fuckin' fair trade and organic, and massaged with hemp oil, and all this other fuckin' bull-- buy my shirts, huh?? You fuckin' idiots! And they won't, the hipsters, because my shirts are NEW. They want my shirt, they...you know what? I'll cut up...that's what I'm gonna do! I'm gonna start cutting up HOLES in my shirts and sell hipster...a hipster sale!
Dick: It's diversions! Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah! And it's gonna cost, like, fuckin' 50 dollars! Here you go, dickhead! I just stabbed a scissor through your fuckin' shirt, ya MORON. Save you the trouble of havin' to cut the logo out, you DIPSHIT. With a fuckin' hole in your chest! What kinda...what kinda self-respecting human being would do that? Where do you even get a job with a hole in your shirt like that?? If you walk into a job...right? It's all aesthetic! They don't HAVE a job! They don't have to worry about anything. They're livin' off their parents like fucking dickheads. Being a dickhead's cool, huh? (scathingly) That's what that song's all about, buddy.
Dick: Yeah, well, it's a virtual world now. And it'll become even more so, so you don't need to show up. With holes in your shirts. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Great. (under his breath)
Dick: Like, it doesn't -- that's the point. This stuff doesn't matter to them anymore.
Maddox: Yeah, nothin' matters, man! (mocking)
Dick: That's the point I'm making. (smiling)
Maddox: Great, Dick. You hippie. (Dick laughs) Alright. What are your problems this week?
Dick: My problems are...uh, Bro-Downs, and the big one, Undercooked Rice. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick. I'm so tired of your SHIT. And why don't you cook a dish next time, ya asshole? (seething) And they're ALMOND SLIVERS, you piece of shit!! (spitting out his words) My problems: Celebrity Worship and Hipsters. (closing riff starts) Don't forget to vote on these problems, guys, and stay tuned for the information for the live show coming up, December 19th in Los Angeles!
Dick: Thanks for listening.
Maddox: Oh and Dick, I forgot to mention, we got a song by...Jeremy Belcher!
Dick: Ohh, cool!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, here it is. [plays song]
(fast-paced hip-hop beat)
Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
Dick: HA! [over song] (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: And I don't even think I have a rebuttal! I think I agree 100 percent with you.
Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
Maddox: I got a PYTHON under the table, baby!
Dick: Little Dick...Little Dick tip for ya. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It's obscured by the table, but I am fully engorged.
Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
(clip of Maddox and Dick laughing)
Dick: Little Dick...Little Dick...Little Dick...
(clip of Maddox and Dick laughing)
Dick: Little Dick...Little Dick tip for ya.
Dick: Yeah, well, why don't you go have sex with your mother!
Maddox: Hahahaha! There it is!
Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
Maddox: Yeah. And, uh, speaking of engorged...
Dick: Little Dick tip for ya.
(Dick giggles hysterically)
Dick: HA! Hahahaha, that's great.