Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 26
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by our own bonus episode! Go to http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com and click on the Solutions to check it out.
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy, what's up buddy? How's it goin'?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. So, Dick. Super exciting news. We teased this last episode, but we finally hit 1 million downloads!!
(Sound effect: clapping)
Dick: I thought we were gonna talk about our bonus episode!
Maddox: Yeah. We launched our bonus episode. Our first ever bonus episode did tremendously well! You guys love it!
Maddox: All the comments I've read, people really, really dig the episode.
Dick: I got one. From Kirstie Chapman. "When I grow up, I wanna be Maddox's dad."
Dick: If you wanna know what she's talking about, download the bonus episode. Also, Handy Andy Pandy, "Maddox, I found this episode funnier than any other you and Dick have done. Definitely worth them money." Um, maybe that was true last week, but he hadn't heard this episode, so.
Maddox: Yeah. It's every…every new episode is better than the last! So…when we discover what the Biggest Problem in the Universe is, it'll be so hilarious, you guys will unhinge your jaws and die. (Dick laughs) Our goal is to kill our listeners through laughter.
Dick: So if I can talk about the bonus episode a little bit more. We did a hot sauce challenge.
Dick: In that episode. Which I don't think is a secret. Where Maddox and I both drank hot sauce to see who could drink it faster and who didn't sound like a sniveling pussy after they drank it.
Dick: Right? Is that an accurate summation of the contest?
Maddox: That's accurate.
Dick: I gotta tell you, man. I didn't feel right for a week after that contest. (Maddox laughs) Like, I went home. I went home. The entire drive home, Maddox is extolling the virtues of drinking hot sauce, and I feel like I have a football made out of vinegar in my colon, as he's like "Well, you know, it kills bad bacteria", and this and this, and I'm like, "Dude, seriously, I feel like I'm gonna shit…I feel like I've been eating Vicodin for 13 days."
Maddox: Man…it sounds like your entire stomach lining is made out of the same skin as vaginas. Like, what a pussy. What a crybaby. That shit made me feel right.
Dick: Man, I really hope you don't get an ulcer when you're, like, 43.
Maddox: Ulcers are caused by bacteria, and they can't live…you know what? Bacteria can't live in an environment that's inhospitable to them, and that's my stomach. It's full of piss and vinegar.
Dick: Okay, well. I'm never gonna do it again. (Maddox laughs) Either way, I'm never drinking hot sauce again.
Maddox: Hey, Dick. I got some stats…I got a stats for you. So, uh…I had a listener send in these stats. His name is Ryan Yoder. He did these really comprehensive stats for our one millionth episode…I just want to bring this in.
Dick: One millionth download.
Maddox: (laughs) Er, one millionth download, right. We have not done a million episodes. So, he brought some stats in about the number of episodes we've each won. You wanna hear this? (grins)
Maddox: (laughs) Dick!
Dick: What's his name?
Maddox: Ryan Yoder.
Dick: Well, good for you, Ryan Yoder, you kiss-ass. You brownnoser, sending Maddox all these stats about how great he is!!!
Maddox: No, Dick. We don't know. We don't know who the winner is.
Sean: I'll bet you've won more than you think.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Alright. How much you wanna bet?
Sean: Uh, (stammers)..well, I dunno (Maddox and Dick laughs) You talk like you've never won any.
Maddox: Yeah. How many do you think Dick's won?
Sean: I think he's won between 10 and 15.
Dick: I was gonna say 10. That I've won 10 episodes.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, you both lose, 'cause you've only won 8.
Dick: Goddamnit!! (yells) Goddamnit, Sean, you got my hopes up for nothing, you miserable son of a bitch! Now I feel bad! (Maddox laughing) I could have said 5, but you dicked me over with 10!!
Maddox: So, I am number one…I'm the winner with 16!! 16 wins. Then Dick at 8. And Ryan Holiday…one of our guests. He's the only one in the top 10 with one win.
Dick: Oh, man.
Dick: Good for you guys. You're winners together.
Maddox: He…these are the people who have the current highest problem for each episode.
Maddox: Then we also have some stats. The total net up and down votes by each person. I'm number one with 52,000.
Dick: Wait a minute, I'm sorry. The total up and down, like…the total number of up votes you've gotten?
Dick: Your problems have gotten?
Maddox: Yes. Correct.
Dick: Okay, sorry. Continue.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm number one with 52,000, followed by Dick with 20,000, then Ryan, with 2,300, then Asterios placed with 1,600, then Leah, and then Roger with a measly 528.
Dick: Are you saying that I'm closer to the guests with upvotes than I am to you?
Maddox: Yes! (cackles)
Dick: Did I hear those numbers right? Man, fuck you! Fuck this million download celebration!
Maddox: Ryan Yoder. And he has some random trivia, too. This is kind of interesting. There have been 92 problems mentioned on the podcast. The smallest problem to win an episode was "Crying", from episode 1. And it's ranked number 42. It's the 42nd biggest problem in the universe. Crying.
Dick: Well, if you don't agree with that, head to www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com and vote up "Crying".
Maddox: Yeah. Vote up "Monkeys"!!! I keep WARNING you idiots!! (yelling) No one votes up monkeys! Monkeys are the biggest problem in the universe!
(Sound effect: Monkey sounds)
Maddox: You guys don't listen to me! (Dick sighs) Go ahead.
Dick: It's a bold experiment you did, and I gotta say, it's really fun reading that problems page.
Dick: Like, seeing…'cause I look at it and I agree with it!
Dick: Like, mostly the ranking. I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that is kind of a bigger pain in the ass than AIDS."
Dick: Like, if I had to…Armchair Psychologists are worse than AIDS. What, you got something?
Maddox: Oh, and speaking of last week, yeah. And the problems from last week. Number one was "Pyramid Schemes" and "Herbalife", followed by "Pennies", bigger problem than both your bullshit-ass "Motorcycle Fairings", and "Catcalling".
Dick: Cop Motorcycle Fairings.
Maddox: Cop…oh, I'm sorry. Cop Motorcycle Fairings.
Dick: Catcalling…man, that was a controversial problem.
Dick: Lot of comments about that one. I don't want to get into them, though, 'cause I have a surprise for you.
Dick: So I'm…I don't know if anybody knows this listening, but, you know, Maddox is, like, an Internet celebrity.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (laughs nervously)
Dick: And kind of a real celebrity, too.
Dick: So I put the word out in Hollywood.
Maddox: Mhmm. (laughing)
Dick: That we'd gotten a million downloads on this podcast just to see what would happen.
Maddox: Yeah? (grins)
Dick: Like, just to see if we have any celebrity listeners.
Maddox: Oh. And do we?
Dick: I think we actually do! Of course, there's no way to tell.
Maddox: No way, get outta here!
Dick: 'Cause they just call the voice mail.
Maddox: We got some celebrities calling the voice mail?
Dick: Listen, listen, listen, listen.
(Voice mail: (sounds like Zooey Deschanel) "Hey Maddox. It's me, Zooey Deschanel. Um, I'm really impressed by the one million downloads you have this week.")
Dick: I think that's her!
(Voice mail: "It's a real big accomplishment. I wish I had that many people who visited my -cuts out-. So, um…congrats. Have a lovely day. And yeah, watch New Girl on Fox.")
Dick: She stutters like her.
Maddox: Okay. Plugging her show!
Dick: So, I think…I honestly think that's real. But then…you got guys like this.
(Voice mail: (bad impression) "Herro. This is Sean Connery. (Maddox cracks up) Will somebody please tell me what the fuck is a podcast?"
Dick: I dunno. (Maddox laughing) I don't think he would say that.
Maddox: That was Sean Connery?
Dick: (laughs) Yeah, that was Sean Connery.
Sean: It's Roger. It has to be Roger.
Maddox: Yeah. My ass.
Dick: Did that sound like Roger Barr to you guys? (grinning)
Sean: Sounds just like Roger.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know. Yeah. Kind of.
Dick: I got another one.
(Voice mail: (sounds like Seth Rogen) "Uh, hey. This is Seth Rogen. And I just wanna say congratulations to you, Maddox, for a million downloads. (laughs) Um, yeah. I've never been more proud of you, and I hope you continue to do a great job, because you're very funny, and, (laughs) I listen to your podcast a lot. If you ever need me to be on…")
Dick: Alright. That might be him.
Sean: I say Roger again.
Dick: No, that's definitely not Roger. I asked Roger. But then you get ones like this:
(Voice mail: "Ring a ding ding. It's your old pal, Frank Sinatra callin' you to congratulate ya (Maddox laughs)…)
Maddox: Frank Sinatra's dead!!
(Voice mail: "On your 1 millionth download.")
Dick: Oh he is? (grinning)
Maddox: I'm calling shenanigans!!!
(Voice mail: "It only took ya what, seventeen years, you piece of shit? God, who listens to this garbage? People who haven't discovered the entire rest of the Internet?")
Dick: Oh, yeah, maybe you're right.
(Voice mail: "I hope you get hit by a drunk driver and die!")
Maddox: Hey, fuck you, Sinatra!
Dick: Alright. That's probably not…
Maddox: I don't need death threats from someone who's already in a grave, dickhead! Fuckin'…that was a shit impression, too. Sinatra's dead. That is definitely not Sinatra.
Dick: Well, what do you think about this impression? I didn't know you had a girlfriend.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: Is that right?
Dick: I mean, I don't know…
(Voice mail: (sickly sweet voice, clearly a man impersonating a woman) "Yooooo hooooo!! It's Maddox's girlfriend, Boobs McGee! Happy millionth, boys! You hit a million last night! Maddox made me scream a million times! Ta ta!! Wink!") (Maddox laughing)
Dick: I mean, that sounds like…
Maddox: That was definitely my girlfriend.
(Voice mail: Loud sigh)
Dick: Yeah. That sounds like something she would say.
Maddox: No, yeah. That is something that my girlfriend has said multiple times, 'cause I do make her scream a million times.
(Voice mail: (Bane voice) "Hello, this is Bane. (Maddox laughs) Ah yes! I was wondering when you would pass a million subscribers! I heard that you did not enjoy The Dark Knight Rises. Well, guess what? You two can suck my dick! A million downloads, that's nothing!" (Maddox and Dick laughing))
Dick: Alright, Bane.
Maddox: Bane. I imagine he has a real stubby penis. Real gross.
Dick: Yeah. I don't think he's a real guy.
Maddox: Bane?! Yeah. He's not a real guy. (laughing) It's gotta be fucking fake, Dick!
(Voice mail: (Christopher Walken voice) "Hey, Maddox! Dick!")
Dick: It's Christopher Walken.
(Voice mail: (Christopher Walken voice) "This is Christopher Walken, and I heard your podcast! (Maddox laughing) You just got a million downloads! That is excellent. But if you ever talk about problems that don't matter again, I'll stab you in the face with a soldering iron!")
Dick: I mean, that's probably Roger Barr…
Maddox: A soldering iron…no, I think that's…if anyone is an actual celebrity, so far I think Christopher Walken is a possibility, because he's a random dude and he does random shit like that.
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: And Zooey Deschanel.
Dick: I really think Zooey Deschanel is a real celebrity who called in.
Dick: I wish we could verify that.
Dick: You wanna hear one more?
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.
Dick: And then I'm gonna play some later in the episode.
(Voice mail: "This is Edward James Olmos and (Sean laughing) I'm calling to wish Dick and Maddox a happy million downloads. Oh man, your show is so funny. (grunts and makes sounds, sounds like throat clearing) "That's my laugh."))
Dick: That's cool. That's how he laughs.
(Voice mail: "Well, gotta run. I got tickets to see Jamie Kennedy in Fluffy.")
Maddox: Alright. We don't need…we don't care what you're doing. And by the way, what was that? It sounded like water was running in the background. (laughing) What, did he have his sink running?
Dick: Um, you know what, that was actually…
(Voice clip: "Boisterous Coconuts?")
Dick: That was our friend, Boisterous Coconuts.
Maddox: Oh, that was Boisterous Coconuts!
Dick: So, he told me…I asked him to call in as a celebrity…
Dick: And he said, "Yeah sure, I'll do it on my walk to work." So he's walking to work through New York screaming obscenities into his cell phone (laughing) in like, weird voices. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: And he chose Edward James Olmos. (Maddox laughs) And did THAT impersonation.
Dick: That's the second thing I would like to note. I asked these guys for celebrities…
Dick: And what do I get? Bane? I got basically comic book characters.
Maddox: Zooey Deschanel. Wait, who is Edward…what's the guy's name?
Dick: He was Edward James Olmos.
Maddox: Who is he?
Dick: He was, like, a famous Mexican actor. He's like the Mexican Sean Connery.
Maddox: What has he been in?
Dick: He's been in American Me. He's before our time.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: He's, like, a generation before us. But he's a very accomplished actor.
Sean: Something you might…what was it? Battlestar Galactica? The…
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: You know, I'm sorry.
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: I don't think we can count that as a celebrity call-in. I'm sorry. We're gonna have to strike it from the records.
Dick: Okay. So that's a problem. Can we get to our problems this episode?
Sean: South Park parodied him.
Maddox: Oh, I don't know.
Sean: The whole "teacher" episode? The Stand and Deliver?
Maddox: Yeah. No idea.
Dick: Oh yeah! Stand and Deliver! Gotta teach these kids…he's teaching all the kids calculus…
Maddox: Oh, that's the guy?
Dick: That guy's Edward James Olmos.
Maddox: Yeah, okay. Well, thank you Edward, for calling in to congratulate us for our millionth download.
Dick: So here's my first problem. And I wish we'd recorded this a couple of days ago. Because I was ready to strangle someone when this happened to me.
Dick: I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard.
Dick: And I got a text from my friend. She's, like, a commercial actress.
Dick: And she had been very excited that day because she got cast on a commercial last minute. And the call sheet for the commercial said, explicitly, like, the thing they send you the morning of the commercial to tell you where you're supposed to go and what you're gonna be doing, said explicitly, "No photography". No social media. No photography.
Dick: And as she explained to me, 'cause I don't do commercials, you know, I don't know what's going on, she said, "That's a big deal, because right now, that means it could be a Superbowl commercial."
Maddox: Oh. That is a huge big deal.
Dick: Huge deal. And they don't tell you that kind of stuff. 'Cause they don't want you to be anything that you're not normally.
Maddox: Right, of course.
Dick: You know? And they don't want you to immediately go post about it.
Dick: Plus, it might not be. It might be done and it might be horseshit and they'll save it for something else.
Dick: So she was really excited about this, right? She gets down there, shows up on set, whatever, waits four hours, and her scene went like this. She walked up to do it, and the guy says, whoever's doing the scene with her says, "I don't believe this. Let's do another scene."
Dick: So it was basically just over. Right? You don't get paid for that. You don't…and this is, like, a Superbowl commercial is, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Dick: Right? So she texts me this. She was geared up for it all day and I'm, like, "Ohhh, man." Right? I have…I've gotta say something to cheer this girl up.
Dick: As I'm walking down the street texting.
Dick: And I usually…I'm usually pretty good about kind of paying half attention to my phone and half attention to what's going on around me.
Maddox: Mmmm. (skeptical) I mean, that's the theory, Dick. I don't believe it. I don't believe most people can do that. But go on. I'm listening.
Dick: You're talking about multitasking.
Maddox: Yeah. Most…you can't multitask. The human mind can't multitask.
Dick: See, I know that you think that. And I really wish there was some kind of test for it…
Maddox: There is!
Dick: Well, is it, like, an online test?
Dick: Or it is a real test?
Maddox: No, it's…it's a real test!!
Dick: Like, a real test.
Maddox: It's a real test! It's a real test. If you think you can multitask…I'll send you this test. I'll link to it on the website. But it's a test where you're supposed to write down two sentences at the same time. No one can do that. You can't write down…
Dick: With two hands?
Maddox: No no no. So, you write down…I think the task is to write down the numbers 1 through 20 and then make each number correspond to a letter from the sentence. So you do each task way quicker if you do it individually.
Dick: Okay, uhh…that sounds like something that Rain Man or Brainiac would do. I'm talking about just walking down the street and paying attention and then texting people on my phone.
Maddox: Alright, so where are you going with this?
Dick: That's an acceptable level of multitasking. And I really do feel like I can concentrate mostly on the road and on the phone, and then like, you get to that asymptotic line where suddenly your brain switches over onto the phone and you're just kind of, like, walking or driving on autopilot. You know what I mean?
Dick: So I'm texting her back. I'm like, okay. Oh, God. I gotta take this seriously, right? I gotta say something funny to cheer her up. This is a big loss for her. This is 100,000$. Immediately as I start texting, I step into the biggest pile of dog shit that I have ever seen. (Maddox laughs) Like, full on Three Stooges…(Sean laughing) like putting my foot into a chocolate cake.
Maddox: Oh, man. (disgusted)
Dick: And hitting…I don't even think I hit the sidewalk until I had slipped, like, a foot away from it.
Maddox: Ugh, geez. (Sean laughing)
Dick: Do you know what I'm saying?
Dick: Like a fucking Hanna-Barbera spinning around wildly, like that side effects, that (makes spinning wheel sound) in the middle of the street with my phone.
Dick: Yeah. Like, I think a horse shit this dog shit.
Dick: Right? Gets on both shoes. (Sean laughing) Of course.
Maddox: How did it get on both shoes? What did you, stomp in this thing? Did it splash on you!?! (incredulous)
Dick: Because I wasn't paying attention. (laughs)
Dick: I was texting. Point is…
Dick: Now I got dog shit on both shoes.
Dick: That's my problem!
Dick: "Dog Shit"!
Maddox: Dog shit! Wow! It sounds like your problem should be "People Who Think They Can Multitask", 'cause you can't.
Dick: That's what you got out of that?!!?! (yells)
Maddox: Yeah! That's what I got out of it, Dick. You can't multitask! And if you weren't texting like a dickhead, walking around the streets of LA, or New York, or wherever, everybody's doing this now. Everybody's phone…everybody's face is constantly down in their phone, they're not paying attention, they're being obnoxious! They're rude! They're bumping into people. (excited, angry) When I see people walking towards me and texting, I don't move out of the way anymore. I'm gonna let them run into me and I'm gonna say "Excuse you!"
Dick: Teaching people lessons.
Dick: You're like Jesus, but a total asshole. (Maddox laughs) But I really think that's not the problem, because I'm aware of that, I don't like it, and I feel, I really feel in my brain that it crosses a line. Like, I can pay attention to the street, and I kinda send, like, offhand texts and they're all misspelled and horrible, but I can look at the street and do the thing with my phone in one hand, but this particular instance, I'm trying to cheer up my friend and I'm like, "Alright, I gotta put 51% of my concentration into this text." Immediately step in dog shit.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, Dick. Sounds like there's a smelly shoe that proves you can't.
Dick: Two smelly shoes, asshole!
Maddox: Two smelly shoes, that's right, yeah. Are you wearing them, by the way? What's that smell? Did you bring them into the studio?
Dick: These are the shoes I was wearing. But I cleaned 'em off!!!
Maddox: Ohhh, man! (disgusted)
Dick: I cleaned 'em off. I washed 'em and I cleaned 'em off.
Maddox: Yeah, looks like you scrubbed…those shoes have, like, no tread to them. You scrubbed them so hard they're bald.
Dick: Dude…I had to use…the worst part…I had to use my toothbrush to clean them off.
Maddox: Oh, mannnn. (Sean laughs)
Dick: Like, even though I wasn't using it again…
Dick: It was still gross, because it had once been my toothbrush, 'cause I didn't have an extra one.
Maddox: Yeah, of course. It's disgusting.
Dick: Yeah. So now…
Maddox: So now you're out a toothbrush and…you know what, Dick? You know what the problem is?! The real problem here phones without keyboards!!! If you don't have tactile response, you can't type…I can type and look up and concentrate on whatever I want and still be typing in my pocket. I can be typing without having to take my eyes off of what I'm doing or where I'm walking. I don't step in potholes. I don't step in dog shit. I don't step in horse shit!
Dick: (laughing) Potholes?
Maddox: I don't step in anything except for PURE sidewalk, baby! 100% of the time.
Dick: Maddox, stop trying to hijack my problem. (Maddox laughs) My problem is curb your fucking dog! Okay?
Maddox: Oh, is that what it is?
Dick: Curb your goddamn dog.
Maddox: Okay. I'm on board.
Dick: Who are you leaving dog shit, especially, uh…dog shit that's the size of a chocolate cake, in the middle of the street?
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah. Well, I think that's pretty hilarious.
Dick: Would you do…well, so I took a straw poll, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Okay.
Dick: 'Cause I was incensed by this.
Maddox: You should be.
Dick: Like, who would do this?! What is the kind of person who would do this?
Dick: So I started asking people who've either have watched dogs or have dogs, "Don't you always pick up your dog shit?" and I even phrased it like that, 'cause I wanted to let them know, "Look, I'm gonna judge the shit out of you if you give me the wrong answer on this."
Dick: Dude! (excited) An astronomical percentage of them said "Ehh, I kinda just…no. Not all the time."
Dick: Not if it's inconvenient.
Maddox: Okay. Okay, Dick. I have three types of people I KNOW for a fact don't pick up dog shit.
Maddox: And this happens pretty consistently unless you catch them in act! (angry) The first type of people is old people. They're always leaving their dog shit behind. And you know why? Because their knees hurt. They don't want to bend over.
Maddox: Hey. Your knees hurt? Don't fuckin' own a dog! If you can't take care of it properly, don't own a dog, dickhead!
Dick: I mean, I just want to warn you with the old people thing.
Dick: The last time you went on this old people shit, Penn & Teller lit you up pretty good, so…(Maddox cracks up) …you might wanna be careful. (laughs)
Maddox: Oh yeah. Penn & Teller. Lemme tell you about those guys. (Dick still laughing) Lemme tell you a bit about selective editing, my friend.
Dick: They're old guys!
Maddox: Who, Penn & Teller?
Dick: Penn & Teller, yeah. Of course they're gonna fucking hammer you on that show.
Maddox: No, they're gonna TRY to hammer me! They have…(stammering) It was entirely cherry picking fallacy. That's another episode. That'll be another episode.
Dick: No, I…I…can I address it now? 'Cause there is something I thought about that episode. Was that too much of a digression? The Penn & Teller episode? Like, for people who don't know, you were on an episode of Penn & Teller's Bullshit.
Maddox: Yeah. We'd have to…we'd have to do a whole thing about it. I'm gonna bring it in at some point.
Dick: Alright. Alright. I don't wanna digress.
Maddox: Okay. The second group of people, Dick, is kids. Children. Old people and young people. Kids don't give a fuck! Kids don't understand. Kids have never had to scrape dog shit out of their shoes, 'cause their parents do it! They're irresponsible idiots. They stomp in that stuff. They think it's fun, wheeee! We're steppin' in dog shit, and then they come home and poor mom and dad have to scrub it!
Dick: I was right with you until they think it's fun to step in dog shit.
Maddox: Oh. Kids love it, man. Kids love smelling like dog shit. They love it! They roll around in it. They love it. You go to the playground, I guarantee all over the playground is just hidden dog shit everywhere. Everyone just, like, buries it.
Dick: They hide it.
Sean: Man, you went to school with some weird kids.
Dick: Yeah. You're lookin' at the weirdest one right now. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Aaaaaaaaand. And. I'll tell you the third group of people who don't pick up dog shit? Rich people.
Dick: Oh, FUCK you, rich people! (yells at Maddox)
Maddox: Because they're entitled. No, they don't. They fuckin' don't! I have a neighbor who's rich as shit and he leaves his dog shit EVERYWHERE, especially on his own lawn! And he thinks, "Oh, what's the big deal? What's the problem? It's on my own lawn." Yeah, but guess what, dickhead? Flies don't stay on your lawn. The smell doesn't stay on your lawn. Pests that is attracts don't stay on your lawn!! (excited, yelling) I got fucking cockroaches and shit crawling around the neighborhood, and crickets, and whatever else eats dog shit. Probably spiders. They're so fucking stupid. (laughs)
Dick: Well…to…I don't wanna stop your hate the rich parade…
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)
Dick: But I actually did bring in…I found some fuckin' stats on this.
Dick: Um. 60% of people pick up their dog shit.
Maddox: That's it?!
Dick: And this was done in multiple towns. Like, multiple towns with no similarities as far as I could tell. 40% of people just don't pick it up. Which was about what I found in my straw poll that had nothing to do with income, that had nothing to do with upbringing. They were just, like, "Ehh, I just think it kinda just goes away." Like, it kinda just takes care of itself.
Dick: (interjects) I don't know what they think happens! You know how it takes care of itself?!? Assholes who are texting step in it and smear it around until it's the same color as the concrete! (yelling)
Maddox: Man, Dick. This sounds like you got your just desserts. Like, this is exactly what you had coming to you. They're terrible people getting terrible things. That's you.
Dick: Why did I…why did I deserve this?! (incredulous) I'm trying to do something nice for my friend by cheering her up with a text!
Maddox: Yeah but you're also…
Dick: (interjects) With a hilarious text! Which, by the way, I did! 'Cause there's nothing funnier than, "Hey, I was trying to think of a funny text and I just stepped in a fucking half-pound of dog shit!" (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Hey, that's the universe helping you out, buddy. What are you complaining about? That sounds great, actually.
Dick: Why did I deserve this? (grinning)
Maddox: Because, Dick, if you just pulled aside for a second and just stood in place and stood up against a wall so people can pass you so you're not…people who text and walk, walk slower. People who text and drive, drive slower. They can't pay attention to both. They do both poorly! Just fuck off for a second, send your text, and then continue on! What's your time so fucking valuable you can't spare a few seconds to send a text and then keep walking!?!? (yells, enraged) That's what you get, dude. Shit on your shoes. (calm)
Dick: 10 million tons of dog shit every year. (Maddox cracks up) That's how much dog shit is out there.
Maddox: 10 million tons.
Dick: 10 million tons. 20% to 30% of the bacteria in watersheds, in urban watersheds, come from dog shit.
Maddox: Fuck dogs!!!!!!!! (Dick laughs) Hey, I brought in dogs as a problem, why don't you idiots go vote it up?!
Dick: 'Cause "Dogs" is too much, man!! That's not the dog's problem! The dog's gotta shit!
Dick: They gotta…somebody's gotta pick it up.
Maddox: Great. Why aren't dogs like cats? Why don't they bury their own shit? Why don't they learn something?! (excited, yelling) If dogs are so fucking smart, why don't they learn that every fucking human hates their dog shit? Just get rid of the dog shit!
Dick: Man, can you train dogs to shit in a toilet?
Maddox: I mean, probably.
Dick: Have you ever seen that?
Maddox: I guarantee there's a YouTube video. Some dickhead trying to get a million hits.
Dick: It's all these guys training their dogs to get them beers…
Dick: Which is always stupid.
Dick: 'Cause it's, like, you had to do more work to set up the, uh…Rube Goldberg machine for the dog to be able to fetch your beer? (scornful)
Maddox: What an asshole.
Dick: Like, you're not saving any time.
Maddox: Yeah. And also, just get the fucking beer yourself, you dick.
Dick: You know what my buddy does, he has…every time he comes over, he brings a cooler and fills it up with beer and puts it next to the couch. 'Cause he can't be bothered to go get up and get another beer.
Maddox: Well, there you go. That's lazy ingenuity. Hey, Dick, I have an anecdote specifically about where you live in Hollywood. I've seen…I've seen on the block…there used to be a block in Hollywood where I would walk and there was just a LANDMINE of shit. Shit everywhere!
Dick: Yeah. Yep.
Maddox: Dog shit everywhere! And there were convenient, free, doggie bags with disposable containers that NOBODY would use! It's FREE and they don't even just pick it up!
Maddox: You know what? Here's the thing, Dick. I like dogs. I do. I do like dogs, but I hate dog shit more than I like dogs. That's why I don't own one. I never want to feel the warm, moist, mushy texture of dog shit through anything. (stammers) Let alone my bare hands. I don't wanna feel it through nylon. I don't wanna feel it through a doggie bag. I never want to carry shit. My own, or a dog's.
Dick: I don't wanna feel it on the bottom of my shoes.
Dick: Because now I feel, like, phantom dog shit on these shoes all the time now.
Maddox: I know!
Dick: I agree with you. That's the same reason I don't have a dog. Because I don't want to pick up its poop.
Maddox: I don't wanna pick up its poop. I don't want to pick up any animal's poop, including a baby.
Dick: Including a human's.
Maddox: That's why I don't have dogs or babies.
Dick: Yeah. Uh, the fine for not picking up dog shit is 250$.
Maddox: Yeah. That's it?
Dick: This is like New York, all big cities, is 250$.
Dick: How is it that small? How is that…how is that possible?
Maddox: Doesn't hurt the rich. That's another poor people…
Dick: (interjects) There ya go! So let's…what should we make it? Uh…1% of what you make in a year!
Maddox: There! There ya go!
Dick: That's the fine.
Maddox: That's a fuckin' fine!
Dick: So if you make 50 grand a year, congratulations, that dog shit just cost you 500$.
Maddox: Yeah. That's great. That's a great solution to that problem.
Dick: I should bring it in on the bonus episode, which is our sponsor this episode. (Maddox laughs) Got to www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com and click on Bonus Episode to check that out. (Maddox and Sean laughing)
Maddox: Alright, Dick.
Dick: You gonna go?
Maddox: I got a real problem this week.
Maddox: Alright? Enough of your…(grinning)
Dick: Always so fuckin' smug!
Dick: Here, I got uh…I got something else for you before you do that. Lemme see. (grins)
(Voice mail: "Hello Dick and Maddox, I'm calling to confess, I'm the conductor from the Polar Express! Congrats, fellas! You've touched a million hearts. I've touched a million kids! We're both the best! (Maddox cracks up) Oh, I'm late! Gotta take off on my maaaagic train! Merry Christmas! And don't forget - I'm a digital cyber demon!")
Maddox: (laughing) Is that Boisterous Coconuts again?!
Dick: Boisterous Coconuts. Once again, "celebrities".
Maddox: Yeah. The…(laughing)…conductor…
Dick: The assigment is celebrities. (grinning) Assignment. What's the first thing that comes to your mind? The conductor of the Polar Express. Celebrities off the top of my head, uhh..Gumby.
Dick: Uh, Chester the Cheetah, the Cheetos mascot?
Maddox: The Staypuft Marshmallow Man?
Dick: Yeah. Classic celebrity call-ins. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Classic celebrities. (laughs) Great. Thanks, guys. Killin' it. Boisterous Coconuts! Alright, Dick, I got a real problem this week.
(Voice clip: "Boisterous Coconuts?")
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: (laughs) Diamonds!
Dick: Oooh. (serious)
Maddox: Okay?! Diamonds are a real fuckin' problem. And I think it's about time people woke up and realized what a sham they are.
Dick: Yeah. I agree with you.
Maddox: Yeah. So here's…just in a nutshell, here's the problem with diamonds. First of all, they can't store value. Everybody THINKS they can, but they can't, because they don't appreciate. Diamonds don't become more valuable. You can't hedge diamonds against inflation! Diamonds are an always-depreciating asset! They're not an investment. They're an always-depreciating asset. Always.
Maddox: So, there's this website. It's a blog called www.priceonomics.com and they have this awesome post called "Diamonds are Bullshit", so this may be biased, I don't know.
Maddox: It says here, "The market for gold is fairly liquid and gold is fungible." You know what that means? So…what that means is, you can trade one large piece of gold for 10 small pieces of gold. Or, it's like a 10 dollar bill.
Maddox: If you take a 10 dollar bill, you can exchange it for 10 one-dollar bills, right?
Maddox: You can't take a large diamond and exchange it for 10 small diamonds.
Maddox: There's no 1:1 ratio. There's no set value for diamonds. Diamonds are bullshit.
Maddox: Yeah. So those are the very base characteristics that make it feasible for investment. Diamonds don't have that. So stop spending money on them! Diamonds are not an investment in any circumstance. The market for them is neither liquid, nor are they fungible. So why are people still buying them and thinking that they are storing money in this as an investment?
Dick: Well, I love…I find the story of diamonds fascinating, because it's 100% marketing hype.
Maddox: It is.
Dick: Like, from the…before the…I think it's the 20s or the 30s, they were not associated with weddings in any way. They weren't associated with, like, class, or love, or anything like that. So I happen to find them fascinating. But, yeah. There's no investment value to them, primarily because there's no used market for them.
Dick: Nobody sells used diamonds.
Dick: They're only purchased new.
Maddox: It's because they've eliminated the used market for diamonds. There is none. Absolutely. There's a story here from 1978…so there's this article. This is an awesome article. It's huge. It's a really long piece. It's so well written. It's from the Atlantic, and it's called, "Have you ever tried to sell a diamond?" It's a very simple question, but most people…people who have been married and engaged and tried to resell their wedding rings or their engagement rings are in for a shock, because nobody wants to buy it! There's a lady in 1978, a wealthy woman in New York. She decided to sell back a diamond ring that she had bought from Tiffany two years earlier for 100,000$.
Dick: To whom, Tiffany?
Maddox: Yeah! She bought it from Tiffany.
Dick: She tried to sell it back to the store?
Maddox: To sell it back to the store. So she bought it from Tiffany and wanted to sell it back to the store. It's 100,000$. She's a big client, right?
Maddox: So she wanted to use the proceeds to buy a necklace. She thought she would make some profit on this diamond. Surely it's appreciated!
Dick: Oh, God. Yeah.
Maddox: So, she walked in. She had read about some diamond boom in the news magazines and she'd hoped that she might make a profit, and then went to Tiffany. They explained to her that they have a strict policy against repurchasing diamonds. The sales executive assured her that the diamond was extremely valuable, however, and suggested another store. So the woman went down Fifth Avenue from store to store, trying to sell her diamond. One store offered her to swap it for another jewel and two other jewelers offered to accept the diamond on consignment only.
Maddox: That means they would hold it for you and then give you a percentage of the sales if they were able to sell it.
Maddox: And then pay her a percentage, of course. But none of the half dozen jewelers she visited would buy the diamond. She eventually gave up.
Maddox: 100,000$ diamond. Shouldn't that be worth something?
Dick: Shouldn't it be worth something? I don't know. Now you're talking about people who have no sense buying a bunch of luxury goods. You know…that…I don't have as much of a problem with that. Unless you're building the case for, like, yeah, they're worthless.
Maddox: They are worthless.
Dick: They're absolutely worthless.
Maddox: They're absolutely worthless. So, in 1870. So…this is the story of diamonds. It's really fascinating. In 1870, there was this huge diamond mine discovered in South Africa. So suddenly, the market became flooded with diamonds. And diamonds were basically worthless. And the people who discovered these mines were some British investors, right? So they merged to create a monopoly so they could control the production and give the illusion of scarcity.
Maddox: So they control all the diamond mines in South Africa that were just flooding the market with diamonds, and then they just stopped the supply. The name of the consolidated group is called De Beers. (Dick chuckles) Have you heard of De Beers?
Dick: Yeah, I have.
Maddox: Yeah, "diamonds are forever". Those guys, right? Founded in 1888. That's a long fuckin' time ago. In London, it's also called The Diamond Trading Company. In Israel, it's called The Syndicate.
Dick: Whoaa, geeeeez.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles) How fuckin' ominous is that?
Dick: That's dark.
Maddox: In Europe, it's called the Central Selling Organization. In South Africa, it's called the Diamond Development Corporation. So they own these diamond manufacturing and trading companies in England, Portugal, Belgium, Holland, Switzerland…they have a monopoly on the world!
Maddox: Right? And so, Dick, you kinda mentioned this earlier that diamonds were basically worthless up until around the 1930s and early 40s. Right? So…
Dick: Well yeah, until De Beers hired…yeah, I've read this article too…until they've hired the marketing guy to come in…
Dick: And convince young couples that a diamond is something they need to do to affirm their love.
Maddox: Exactly. That's exactly what happened.
Dick: It's brilliant!
Maddox: So, so…they came up with this marketing slogan called "Diamonds are Forever".
Maddox: And what's so insidious about this marketing slogan is that diamonds aren't forever in the sense that they are indestructible, because they're totally destructible. Diamonds can be chipped, guys. Diamonds lose color. They can be chipped. And they can be incinerated. These are things that happen to diamonds all the time.
Maddox: Ask anyone who's had a giant jewel. Well, I don't know people who have giant jewels. Maybe my neighbors.
Dick: I've got two giant jewels. (grinning) Family jewels.
Maddox: Yeah. You're about to get a foot in them.
Dick: Passed down from generation to generation, man.
Maddox: Gross, dude. (Dick laughs) So…so in 1938…
Dick: I've been marketing these bad boys for years.
Maddox: Yeah. And they're still on the shelf. You can't resell 'em, you can't sell em the first time!
Sean: Still worthless. (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Dick: I gotta find this old lady. This sucker. See if I can convince her to pick these babies up for 100 grand.
Maddox: Yeah. Those diamonds will stay in your pants forever.
Dick: Jewels, please.
Maddox: So, this guy, Harry Oppenheimer. Have you heard of the Oppenheimer trust?
Dick: Oppenheimer, yeah!
Maddox: Yeah, Oppenheimer, right?
Dick: Built a bomb!
Maddox: He's the son…no, not that guy.
Dick: American hero.
Maddox: No, not that guy.
Dick: Who is he? His parents were rich. It might be that family.
Maddox: It may be related, actually. But yeah. Harry Oppenheimer, the son of the found of De Beers met with an advertising agency called N. W. Ayer. These are the guys who came up with the advertising slogan. The "diamonds are forever". Right? They were concerned about the falling prices of diamonds, so they gave diamonds to celebrities in movies to give as a symbol of love.
Maddox: And it worked brilliantly. Because back then, this was before any kind of…this was just when motion pictures were becoming big, right?
Dick: This was before cynicism.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)
Dick: This was a day where people just kind of believed everything.
Maddox: Yeah! And they convinced people that the larger the diamond, the greater the love!
Maddox: Right? They also planted stories in magazines and newspapers, as well as radio programs to create a link between diamonds and romance. They flooded the market. By 1941, just three years later, they increased diamond sales by 55%.
Dick: Yeah, look. If I can interject. They did it and it worked, but you gotta admit, if they had tried that campaign with anything that wasn't a diamond, I don't think it would have worked. Like, there's something about diamonds where that shit worked. I'm not a defender of diamonds, I'm just saying they picked the perfect campaign for that particular stone.
Maddox: Well, it could have been…I mean, why diamonds? They could have done it with gold. Gold companies are doing that right now with gold. They're doing it…just watch CNN. There's always that stupid gold commercial where the lady comes on…
Dick: Cash for gold?
Maddox: No, not cash for gold, you dickhead. There's the other one, the gold traders. Where there's that lady who comes on, real smug, kinda British accent…
Maddox: She says, (smarmy radio voice) "There's nothing more valuable than gold." You know who I'm talking about?
Maddox: Yeah. There's some dickhead on CNN who always…they're CNN advertisers.
Dick: But gold just wouldn't have worked. Like, they couldn't have suckered... I don't think you could sucker a little girl into looking at gold and a diamond and saying, "This one is love and so is this one." I think they're gonna reject the hypothesis that gold stands for love.
Maddox: Well, one of the biggest…
Dick: 'Cause it's a lumpy rock.
Maddox: No, but they use it as a gold ring. I mean, that's another thing, they've actually done that with gold. They make gold jewelry, and then jewelry has that intrinsic value of actually being jewelry.
Dick: Alright, I'll give you that one.
Maddox: so in 1947, Ayer took a mass psychology approach to suggest making diamonds a psychological necessity by lecturing high schools across the country.
Maddox: Can you believe this shit!?!? They went to high schools all across the country and had lectures and assemblies preaching to little girls, indoctrinating them with this bullshit that diamonds are valuable and that's how they get love.
Dick: Can you imagine what a great time that would be to be alive?
Dick: You can just go from high school to high school and sell hair tonic? You could tell your hot sauce, like, it grows chest hair. (Maddox laughs) You can say whatever you want! Say and do whatever you want. Nobody cared. No Internet to bust you.
Maddox: Yeah! And then…these were just the administrators of these schools letting these people in to just market diamonds to students! High school students!
Maddox: That's insane!!
Dick: Well, they still do that. Have you ever been part of a magazine drive at school?
Maddox: Oh, yeah. (chuckles, disgusted)
Dick: You remember that shit?
Dick: Where you're just, like, using kids to sell your horseshit magazines?
Dick: That training…that psychological training is very much still alive. If I can tell a story about this.
Dick: My…the cooler guy. The guy who fills the cooler up with beers over at my place and brings them over the couch.
Dick: Smart guy, right?
Dick: He is a smart guy. He's a very intelligent guy.
Dick: He was getting married.
Dick: And he's marrying a woman. Also very intelligent.
Dick: She's a nurse practitioner. And they're a very logical couple. Which I find infuriating. I don't like logic in a partner. (Maddox chuckles) I don't like logic in friends. But they do. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: You don't like thinkers.
Maddox: Because it intimidates you.
Dick: No, no. no. I don't like any…no. It bores me to death. (laughs) (Maddox laughs) So, they had this conversation when he proposed, about diamonds.
Dick: And the consensus of it was, she said, "Look, I just can't explain it, I know it's horseshit. I know it's, like, killing people. But I just want a diamond. I just want a diamond ring."
Maddox: Dick, that sounds like exactly like something you would say.
Maddox: "I know x, y, and z are true, but I just want it."
Dick: Yeah that's called being a human, you fuckin' robot! Of course it's something I would say! (Maddox cracks up) So what's my friend say? Of course, he's like, "Look…" he tells me this, and I'm like, "Here's what you do. You get a fake one and just tell her it's real!"
Dick: 'Cause it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Right?
Dick: She says it doesn't matter. She just needs that psychological thing.
Maddox: Riiiight. Give her a placebo!
Dick: Right. Great "me" plan, right?
Dick: So he goes, "Actually, she kinda hinted at that."
Dick: "That if I were to do that, it wouldn't be the end of the world."
Dick: But he just…he couldn't do it.
Maddox: Very gracious of her.
Maddox: To allow him to spend a little bit less on this bullshit imaginary made-up item.
Dick: Maddox. Maddox.
Dick: This is the language that people speak, okay?
Dick: We have to hint at things! We can't come outright and say it!
Dick: You say, if this were to happen, she managed to slide this message secretly to him, with cues and whatever, and hints, and subconscious clues.
Dick: And he picked up on it.
Dick: And I was like, "Mission accomplished, then!" And his response was, "I just can't do it." Like, I can't lie to her. So NOT ONLY was she infected by it…
Maddox: Oh, my God!!!!
Dick: By the…brainwashing, so was he! 'Cause he felt that still, somehow, he was robbing her of something.
(Sound effect: Booing)
Maddox: That's such a big failure.
Dick: No! So he went down to this diamond store in Tustin. Right? That shitty one that's always on the radio, that you wonder, like, who the fuck would buy their wedding diamond from this store?
Maddox: I don't know. What's the ad?
Dick: The Diamond Mart. The Tustin Diamond Exchange.
Maddox: Never heard of it.
Dick: No. It's…it's right off the freeway.
Maddox: I don't know!
Dick: Like, you can throw a diamond onto the freeway from this…
Maddox: Dick, we have listeners in Sweden right now who have no fuckin' idea, including me, what you're talking about!
Dick: It's off the road. It's off the…they know freeways, right?
Maddox: Yeah…(giggles)…I guess.
Dick: Okay. Living next to the freeway is not a luxurious place to be.
Maddox: Oh, so you're saying it's a diamond store off the freeway, so it's not a fancy diamond store.
Dick: Yeah. Yes. You can throw trash either from the freeway into the diamond store…
Maddox: Alright. (grinning)
Dick: …or throw handfuls of diamonds onto the freeway.
Maddox: Okay. (laughs) Fair enough.
Dick: That last thing you wanna hear when you're buying a wedding engagement ring is the roar of semis rushing past the door. (Maddox laughs) Not romantic. Anyway. We go down there. The guy drops a thousand bucks. Which was, like, a reasonable…which happened to be the reasonable price of a stone.
Dick: I mean, you looked at the 5,000$ one, couldn't tell the difference.
Dick: You looked at the 900$ one, it looked like someone froze a drop of piss.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay. Yeah they're always, like, yellow. They have a yellow hue to them.
Dick: They're awful.
Dick: So he picked the thousand dollar one and that was that.
Dick: That was…that was…that's the lasting effect of this brainwashing that's on…you've got an entire couple!
Maddox: An entire couple, whoa. (sarcasm)
Dick: Yeah. Both sides! (Maddox laughs) I'm saying both sides!
Maddox: Oh, yeah, both sides.
Dick: It wasn't even an argument, it was…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: She let him off the hook, but he couldn't let himself off the hook!
Maddox: That's such bullshit, man.
Dick: Hey! You can't…what are you gonna do? You gonna drop a thousand bucks or are you gonna live with that for the rest of your life?
Maddox: I would live with it!
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: I'm doing…I'm doing the couple a favor. I'm doing the relationship a favor by lying to my girlfriend or wife. (excited) Hey. Here's your diamond, idiot. I spent a lot of money on it. And then just actually spend the money on things that you need!
Dick: Like what?
Dick: Video games?
Maddox: Yeah! Maybe. A nice spaghetti dinner. I don't know. (Sean laughs)
Dick: Yeah, but that's a psychological benefit too, right? She gets to look at this stupid ring. It's like…it benefits her to look at it.
Maddox: How? No. It doesn't benefit her at all! (disgusted)
Dick: It does. She feels good looking at it.
Maddox: No, she doesn't.
Dick: That's what I'm saying.
Maddox: Noooooooooo. You know what that is? That's an albatross, man. That's just sitting on your finger.
Dick: How…what is an albatross to you?
Dick: Get into that.
Dick: What is the albatross? (laughing)
Maddox: Nope. Shut up. (Dick cracks up) Dick…I…you know. So, diamonds are worthless, right? They're worthless, they're not fungible. They're not an investment.
Maddox: But worse than that, they're killing people, right?
Dick: Okay. (skeptical)
Maddox: So you've heard of the expression "blood diamond".
Maddox: This is what it means. There's this documentary on YouTube. It's called "Blood Diamond: The True Story". It's actually really good. I have this clip from it. Listen to this.
(Clip: "From 1991 to 2001, a brutal war raged between the government and a rebel group called the RUF. The Revolutionary United Front. A war funded in part by diamonds." (different voice) "They said they were fighting for democracy, but they fought against civilians.")
(Clip: "And they used diamonds to fuel the whole thing. They used diamonds to get the guns to fight the war.")
Maddox: So these PRICKS who are sitting around buying diamonds for their wives because they're afraid to LIE and give them a placebo! (yelling) (Dick and Sean laugh) To give them the gift of a placebo!
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: Instead of that, these people…these poor people in Somalia…wait, where was it? Somalia. Yeah. These Somali fighters are being killed. People are getting scarred. Children are dying. And they're paid less than 100 pounds per year as their salary to get these diamonds and there's an ongoing war that's been going on for years and years and here we are, a bunch of fat cats sitting here with a bunch of rocks on our fingers, 'cause we like shiny things. Fuck off.
Dick: You know what it sounds like? I don't know if you agree with this, but it sounds to me like diamonds are dog shit. (Maddox laughs) So a vote for dog shit is…
Maddox: (interjects) Fuck you, Dick! (laughing) No, you're not gonna steal it that way! Hey, Dick, uh, real quick before we move onto the next problem.
Maddox: Uh, people loved when I had "Dick Versus Dick" as a segment. So I brought in another "Dick Versus Dick" this time.
Maddox: Yeah, you wanna hear this?
Maddox: Alright, here we go.
(Clip: Ritzy, upbeat carnival music, deep voice, "Dick Versus Dick!!")
Maddox: I love it so much. (laughs) Okay, here we go. So, Dick. This was from an early episode. Let's see if you remember this.
(Clip: Dick (upset): "Look, I'm just sick of getting called a pussy in the comments for not swearing enough! There's too much swearing. No. I'm not gonna do it.")
Maddox: Oh. Not gonna do it. Too much swearing, huh, Dick?
Dick: I still try not to!
Maddox: Oh, really?
Maddox: Well, this is from the last episode alone.
Dick: Uh-oh. (cracks up laughing)
Maddox: This was within, like a 5-minute span. From episode number 25…just a 5-minute span. Listen to this!
(Clips: Dick: "That's horseshit." "There's no fuckin' way." "Dogshit." "When am I gonna fucking learn!?" "It's just some shithead." "Shit." "Big fuckin' white asshole." "Asshole wizard!" "You're fuckin' up traffic!" "Fuck you, man. Fuck you.")
(Maddox, Dick, and Sean cracking up)
Dick: Asshole white wizard?!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: That was what I was talking about?! (laughing so hard it's hard to hear him)
Maddox: You called him a "big asshole wizard!" (laughing)
Dick: Alright, well.
Sean: Do you remember when he called…
Dick: (interjects) What is this, piling on?!?! What?! (Maddox laughing)
Sean: When he called Neil DeGrasse Tyson an "effing jerk".
Dick: He is an effing jerk. I wasn't that pissed off when I was saying that, though.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh. (grinning)
Dick: I gotta respect that guy. He's a physicist.
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs) Another classic Dick Versus Dick.
Dick: Here, I got some more…I got some more celebrities who called in…(giggles)
Maddox: Oh, great. Let's hear it.
(Voice mail: "This is Emperor Palpatine wishing you a happy million downloads!!)
Dick: (laughing) Classic celebrity. (Maddox laughing)
(Voice mail: (sounds nothing like Palpatine) "I'm also calling to ask if you want to join my new podcast network, Fear Wolf. (Maddox laughs) With your talent and audience and my ability to push the Upload button, we will rule the Galaxy!!! Of podcasts")
Dick: That's pretty good.
Maddox: Is that Boisterous again?!?!
Dick: Yeah, that's Boisterous Coconuts again.
(New voice mail: (sounds nothing like Morgan Freeman) "Maddox. Dick Masterson. This is Morgan Freeman,")
Dick: Yeah. It might be.
(Voice mail: "I would like to congratulate you…")
Dick: He's not dead, is he?
Maddox: No. (grinning)
(Voice mail: "On over one million downloads.")
Dick: Uh, it kinda falls apart there.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Sean: He's also not white. (Dick laughing)
Maddox: Or British.
(Voice mail: "You guys are both tremendous assholes and lazy pieces of shit.")
Dick: Alright. Thank you, Morgan Freeman.
Maddox: Great, thank you Morgan Freeman (laughing)
Dick: Thanks for calling in.
Maddox: Wow, what a beautiful..(cracks up) Morgan Freeman. One of the most distinctive voices. NOT EVEN CLOSE. (Dick laughing his head off) Might as well have been Schwarzenegger!!!!
Sean: And who tells him that that's good enough, to like, do?
Dick: I did. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)
Sean: Oh, my God. (Dick and Maddox dying of laughter)
Dick: Okay. Here's my…here's my next problem. Remember how I got all that dog shit all over my shoes?
Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)
Dick: Okay. So I'm right outside my apartment.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckles)
Dick: I walk over the my apartment, pissed about the dog shit all over my shoes, thinking I'm just gonna wipe it on some grass, right?
Dick: 'Cause there's nothing better for getting dogshit off your shoes than grass.
Maddox: Not true. But go on.
Dick: What is better at getting dog shit off your shoes than grass?
Maddox: One of those, like, bristly metal brushes!
Dick: Look, logically, I think that's true, but when you put it to the test, grass just always works somehow.
Maddox: I mean, it's there. I'll use it. Yeah, I'll use grass over most things.
Dick: Yeah. And to get a bristly brush, I gotta go up into my apartment anyway.
Maddox: Yeah. I guess. Or you could go to the convenience store. ANYWAY, go on.
Dick: Your plan is falling apart! (Maddox laughs) Guess what I have in front of my apartment complex?! FAKE GRASS! FAKE, SYNTHETIC, TURF GRASS. Do you know what that is?!? (yelling)
(Sound effect: "Well, that's unfortunate.")
Dick: (yelling) Yeah! It's real fuckin' unfortunate! (Maddox laughing) So now I'm sitting there with shit all over my shoes, wondering if I should just smear it around on what's basically plastic carpet!!!!
Maddox: Who cares? (laughing)
Dick: Who cares? It'll be there FOREVER. It'll look like…it'll look like someone shit themselves and then wiped their asshole in front of my apartment building. This is the dilemma I'm in now.
Maddox: Yeah. Fake grass.
Dick: Fake grass. And it's all over the place now. So I can either walk through the fake grass and get to the real grass outside and wipe all this dog shit off my shoes.
Dick: Or! Or! I can walk through the parking lot and have little dog shit tracks through the entire parking lot, that's way longer than just walking straight to the backyard. Or!
Maddox: Or! Not text and walk. (laughs)
Dick: That's option 3. Or. Option 4!
Maddox: (laughing) Okay.
Dick: Walk through the apartment building, 'cause it's closer than the parking lot, and it will be cleaned.
Dick: The apartment building is gonna get cleaned. I know that.
Maddox: Some peasant will come through and clean it.
Dick: Somebody who has a job to clean the apartment complex, okay? I'm creating jobs. (angry) (Maddox laughing) The grass…the grass outside…the fake grass…is NEVER gonna get cleaned! (yelling)
Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)
Dick: Do you ever…do you see…you have fake grass in your neighborhood.
Dick: Do you see anybody out there with a mop every week cleaning that plastic shit up?
Maddox: No. They should. Or a vacuum cleaner, or something. How…how the fuck do you clean that shit?
Dick: It doesn't!!
Maddox: Because no organisms live in it. Animals aren't gonna live in this.
Dick: Right. Right!
Maddox: Insects aren't gonna live in this. The dog shit isn't going to, like, break down and decompose in there, because there's no bacteria living on this, like, weird foreign astro-fucking-turf, that's made in fucking NASA laboratories and now it's all over our fucking lawns.
Dick: In China! Yeah.
Maddox: And it NEVER looks real, either!!
Dick: Of course it doesn't look real!
Maddox: Throw some yellow in there!
Dick: It's the fake tits of landscaping!
Maddox: It IS the fake tits of landscaping.
Dick: It's awful. So I walk through my lobby.
Dick: Guess who fucking comes right out of the manager's office when I'm doing this.
Maddox: Emperor Palpatine. (cracks up)
Dick: (laughs) Yeah. A celebrity that everyone knows. (Sean laughs)
Dick: The manager goes…the manager, who I have had problems with in the past…
Dick: I was putting out…right when I moved in. The first fucking weekend when I moved in. I unpacked, like, half of my shit and I took my boxes down…you know, my cardboard moving boxes?
Dick: Thinking I was being a great guy. I'll just put these out…I'll just put these out on the street.
Maddox: Okay. (suppressing a giggle)
Dick: 'Cause people always need moving boxes.
Dick: And they're a ripoff.
Dick: So here's me, again, trying to be a good guy.
Maddox: Dick, but if you leave a big pile of shit on the street, people will think it just has bedbugs in it!
Dick: Maddox. This was before bedbugs.
Maddox: (laughs) Okay.
Dick: First of all.
Dick: Secondly, this is Hollywood. Nobody gives a shit.
Maddox: Fair enough.
Dick: There's shit lying up and down the street. It looks like a Mad Max movie.
Maddox: So you're being a nice guy. Go on, philanthropist. Yeah.
Dick: So I put…yeah. So I'm being a nice guy. I put the boxes down. Same apartment manager comes up, "Hey, what are you doing? Those go in the recycling bin."
Dick: I'm like, "Uhhh, they're brand new boxes! I AM recycling them!!"
Dick: Someone's gonna come here and pick them up and use them as-is. This is as recycling as it gets!!!!
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: So, same woman comes out. "Um…what's that smell?"
Maddox: Aaaaaahhahaha. (laughing)
Dick: Well, here's my plan. And I explain it to her. Whatever. Point is…this fake grass…these fake lawns. They look ugly. They're gonna look uglier 'cause they're gonna get gross shit all over them.
Dick: And I hate them.
Maddox: (chuckles) Mmkay. Well that…
Dick: That's the problem.
Maddox: That third point is the biggest point, I think, that you have in your favor. Is that you hate them. Uhhh…what about vomit? What other stuff…
Dick: I mean…I hate vomit less than fake grass.
Maddox: No no, but vomit is also a thing that you're gonna eventually find on this grass. It's gonna be vomit, dog shit, baby diapers…what else? What else do people throw out? Diamonds, 'cause they're worthless. (Dick laughs) It's gonna be LITTERED with diamonds, everywhere!!
Dick: So, in 2012, there's over 35 million square feet of synthetic grass for landscaping and recreational use and it's growing 10% to 15% every year.
Maddox: Okay. Well, Dick, what about people who would say that, well, all this fake grass is saving a shit ton of water!
Dick: I fucking hate them already.
Dick: You know what I think about them.
Maddox: Yeah, I can't even argue that point. I don't give a shit about it. (laughing)
Dick: But if you WASH it…(laughs) I brought in some problems with fake grass. Do you wanna hear 'em?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, let's hear 'em.
Dick: And this is…I think this is off one of their websites. Or some…I dunno what it's off of. I'll post the link later. "After heavy foot traffic or after furniture has sat on the lawn for a long time, an artificial lawn may flatten and require fluffing with a rake."
Maddox: (laughs) Fluffing, huh? Sounds like someone's gonna be on their hands and knees blowing this thing.
Dick: Yeah. They sure will be.
Maddox: Yeah. Fluffing with a rake. I'm not gonna fucking rake…(yelling) That's the whole POINT of having a fake lawn! You don't have to fuckin' rake it!!
Dick: YEP! The whole point.
Dick: You may have to pull up weeds.
Maddox: Yeah, that's TRUE actually! I walk by this fake-ass lawn in my neighborhood. Every time I walk by it, I kinda chuckle, because it's fake grass, but real weeds. There's just weeds growing all around it.
Maddox: That's the only thing that fucking lives in this thing!
Dick: "In direct summer sun, synthetic grass becomes much hotter than natural turf and can smell like hot rubber."
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah. It does.
Dick: Great. Sounds great.
Maddox: And it feels really gross, too. It feels, like, almost latexy.
Dick: It does. Uhhh…lemme see. There's one thing…oh yeah. "On a hot summer afternoon, children and pets cannot play or walk barefoot on an artificial lawn surface." So basically nothing alive can be on it in the summer.
Maddox: Yeah. Perfect. Great.
Dick: Awesome. AWESOME replacement, instead of just dirt!
Maddox: You know where…you know where the only two places in the world that I can think that this would make sense…is Las Vega and Dubai. Because both are shithole deserts where nothing can grow. Nothing real can grow, so everything has to be artificial. Everything. So might as well put that shit out there. Have it melt, have it do whatever the fuck. 'Cause who cares. It's the fuckin' desert and it doesn't belong out there anyway.
Dick: Harmful substances such as zinc or nonylphenol may leach from the recycled rubber granules and pollute water, according to the Washington Toxics Coalition.
Maddox: Hey, are you talking about fake grass or Fireball Whiskey? I'm gettin' thirsty, here. (Dick and Maddox chuckle)
Dick: Yeah. That's…it's too hot to walk on. It's ugly as shit. And what happens…what happens to all the piss and the shit that gets on it.
Maddox: Yeah. It stays there forever.
Dick: Just answer me that. It stays there forever.
Maddox: Because what's underneath it? It's like some weird foam, cushiony thing, right?
Dick: It's ground-up tires.
Maddox: Is that really what it is?
Dick: It's ground-up tires from a dump yard.
Maddox: Oh, that's gotta be great for the environment.
Dick: Yeah. That's a POSITIVE according to the synthetic grass people.
Dick: That they can recycle tires!
Maddox: Great. Great. Why don't we just burn 'em? That's what we do anyway, right? We just burn tires.
Dick: I think we burn everything. Everything I know about trash comes from the Simpson's theme song, though, so that might not be true.
Maddox: Oh, that's true. The opening shot of it is just, like, big teetering piles of tires, isn't it?
Dick: Yeah. Here's regarding pee and poop, from the synthetic grass people website?
Maddox: Tchyeah. (scoffs)
Dick: What about…this is on their FAQ. Those are always delightful, right?
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: 'Cause they're always such softball, horseshit problems.
Maddox: And let's not forget what the 'F' stands for. Frequently. It's for frequently asked questions.
Dick: Right, right, right.
Maddox: Let's hear what they say about pee and poop.
Dick: "What about pets? What happens to dog urine and waste?" "Dogs love our grass." (Maddox laughs) "They think it's real."
Maddox: Oh! All the dogs we interviewed said this!!
Dick: Yeah. This is with a straight face.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: They think that a bunch of plastic shit on the floor is real. The…you know. The things that have, like, superhuman smelling, like animal instincts.
Dick: They think that a bunch of ground-up rubber tires and plastic barbs sticking out of the ground is real. 'Cause they're so stupid.
Maddox: (sighs) Dick, you know.
Sean: Not to mention that they EAT grass.
Dick: Oh, yeah. YEAH. Do they eat this stuff? I guess so. They think it's real.
Maddox: Yeah, but they also eat their own poop. I'm gonna say this is a toss-up. (Sean laughs)
Dick: "Dog urine is not a problem." (Maddox laughs) I love when people start with "It's not a problem." 'Cause it means it's definitely an enormous problem.
Maddox: Of course. Yeah.
Dick: "Dog urine is not a problem, as it flushes through the turf's drainage holes…"
Dick: "And drainage system when hosed off or when it rains."
Maddox: So…so…all them water savings that you would save in not watering your lawn…now you have to get out there with a hose and hose off dog piss, shit, urine, vomit, and anything else.
Dick: And dead things.
Maddox: Bacardi Limon.
Dick: (laughs) "Solid waste is cleaned in the same manner as natural grass." No, it's not.
Dick: It's just not.
Dick: It's not. 'Cause you're talking about a carpet.
Maddox: No, because solid waste decomposes and there's all sorts of bugs and little insects and annoying little ticks and bugs and bullshit that eat that! In the grass.
Dick: Yeah. It's called an ecosystem.
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: You don't replace it with fuckin' plastic. "This synthetic grass will not stain." I…(stammers) I don't even know how someone could say that with a straight face. Something won't stain.
Maddox: Yeah. Won't stain. Everything stains, idiots.
Dick: So there you go. That's my…that's my second problem. And I found both of these problems…every week, like, I'm worried about the endgame point where there will be no more problems to discuss on this show…
Dick: And yet, I generated those two problems in the course of about three minutes!
Maddox: Yeah. The key word there is "generated", Dick. I agree. No, there are so many problems! It's "The Biggest Problem In The Universe", Dick. We gotta bring everything in. And speaking of…
Dick: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got another celebrity voice…this one's actually a celebrity.
Maddox: Oh. Great. (laughing)
(Voice mail: "Hey, is this Maddox? Congratulations on 1 million downloads…this..")
Dick: Any guess who this is? (laughing)
Maddox: Oh, boy. Oscar the Grouch. I don't know.
Dick: (laughs) No.
(Voice mail: "Brian Doyle-Murray, Bill Murray's older brother. (Maddox laughs) I called to say that of all the worthless pieces of shit I've ever encountered in my long career, you are far and away one of them.")
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Okay. Great.
Dick: I didn't know you worked with that guy.
Maddox: Bill Murray's brother?
Maddox: Big celebrity. (Dick laughs) Who?! Brian O'Doyle? What?!
Dick: (laughing) Brian Doyle-Murray.
Maddox: Brian Doyle-Murray?
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Never heard of the guy.
Maddox: Great, thanks. (laughing) You know what, Dick? (Dick cracks up)
Dick: This was the assignment. Simple assignment, right?
Dick: Off the top of your head, name three celebrities.
Maddox: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Dick: Great celebrity! Funny voice!
Dick: Prince, also a funny voice!
Maddox: Michael Jackson. Paul Rubens!
Dick: Hilarious voices all around! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Simple, easy-to-execute voices! (Dick laughs) We get Bill Murray's fucking brother and Emperor Palpatine! (Dick and Maddox laughing) NOT a celebrity. Probably not even in the Star Wars universe.
Dick: And one is a fake person.
Dick: And not a human, also.
Maddox: Not a human, no.
Dick: I think. I dunno how that canon goes, but…okay. Go ahead.
Maddox: So, Dick. Speaking of real problems. "Chaise sofas".
Dick: (scoffs) Okay.
Maddox: You know what this is? Chaise lounge sofas? You know what a chaise lounge is?
Dick: Yeah. It's something for looking awesome.
Maddox: No. (laughing) It's not anything for looking awesome, you big…
Dick: And relaxing.
Maddox: No, you big pussy! You know where they came from? By the way, it's spelled C-H-A-I-S-E. A lot of people pronounce them "chase" lounges or "chase" sofas.
Dick: We call those people the proletariat. (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Maddox: So, chaise lounges…also known as a long chair or a fainting couch. Have you heard of this?
Dick: Yeah! Oh yeah. (laughing)
Dick: You're speaking my language. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. So…(Maddox and Sean crack up) Okay. Great, Dick. (Dick laughs) So these were popular in the 19th century. There are two theories on how these were developed. The first one, speaking of you lookin' awesome, right?
Maddox: One theory is that for the predominance of fainting couches is that women were actually fainting because their corsets were too tight.
Dick: Oh, man. What a great time.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Is that why you use them, Dick? 'Cause your corset's too tight and you faint?
Dick: No, I think they were also invented because a guy was laying on the cough and he said, "Man, I'm so sick of putting my feet up on this stupid armrest." So he just kicked it off! (Maddox laughs) And that was how it was invented.
Maddox: No, that's not how it was invented, Dick.
Dick: (laughs) I think I have invented a couple of chaise lounges like that.
Maddox: Yeah. I don't think so. I think it's more likely the following theory, and this is probably what happened to you. "The second most common theory…" this is according to Wikipedia, "The second most common theory for the predominance of fainting couches is home treatment for the female hysteria through manual pelvic massage by home visiting doctors and midwives."
Dick: Yeah, man. (raunchy) So it's a finger bang couch. (Maddox laughing) Is that what you're saying?!
Maddox: No!!! No! (laughs)
Dick: Is that what you're saying? That's what you're saying! Pelvic massage to prevent hysteria?!
Maddox: Dick, first of all. It's impossible to not look fat sitting on one of these!
Dick: Wait a minute! (scoffs) This changed gears really quickly.
Dick: I'm talking about finger banging and you're talking about lookin' fat!
Maddox: Yeah. Everyone who…first of all, if you're laying down on one of these things, what, do you want to finger bang someone laying down in this thing?
Dick: I want to finger bang anywhere, all the time. Roller coaster, car, chaise lounge, a dog house, wherever.
Maddox: Gross, man. Is that why your fingers smell like Vienna sausages?! (laughing)
Dick: How do you lay on a chaise lounge? That's your problem.
Maddox: I don't!
Dick: Lemme show you how to do it.
Maddox: I fucking don't! No man lays on a chaise lounge! You get the fuck out.
Dick: No, no, no, no.
Dick: You look…you look erotic on a chaise lounge.
Dick: They work FOR you.
Maddox: No, they don't!
Dick: But you gotta go with it.
Maddox: Guys don't look erotic!
Dick: Burt Reynolds! And his Playboy spread? Man, that pose, where he's…
(Sound effect: "Ding!")
Dick: Correct! That's erotic as shit.
Maddox: That is erotic.
Dick: That mustache…oh my God. Thank God that mustache is there so I don't have to look down at his junk.
Maddox: Yeah. No, guys don't make it past the mustache.
Maddox: We end there. We fantasize about the mustache. That's it.
Dick: How are you sitting on them?
Maddox: I don't sit on them, Dick!
Dick: Where you look fat? (laughs)
Maddox: Do you…(stammers) Everyone looks fat on a chaise lounge. Everyone! And second, when I go to a friend's house and they have one of these fucking sofas…their L-shaped sofas. The worst FUCKING invention. I hate them so much, I get pissed off!! When I walk into someone's apartment and it's gonna be a big event like a Superbowl, or we're watching movies or something and I take one look at their living room and I see one of these fucking L-couches with the chaise lounge at the end!
Maddox: Chaise lounge are deceptive, because you see them, they're long, right? They're the length of a couch…
Maddox: But they're only a sear for one, and nobody's gonna sit in it, because you're gonna look like a fucking Bourgeois dickhead, sitting back, like, with your fat ass gut.
Dick: Whoa. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Eating Cheetos. I bet your buddy with the cooler has one of these chaise lounges.
Dick: Yeah..oh, uhh…I think he has two. He has one of those couches that has one on each side.
Maddox: Oh, I hate them so much! I hate them…nobody can sit comfortably on this thing. There's no back support. There's no back rest. You have to sit on the end like an asshole. You might as well have an ottoman.
Dick: You might as well have a beautiful lady feeding you grapes. That's what you should say.
Dick: That's what you meant to say.
Maddox: Except no beautiful lady is hanging out with you and your bozo L-couch. (Dick laughs) Like a fucking loser. Chaise lounges.
Dick: You really hate chaise lounges that much?
Maddox: I…(stammers) it RUINS my day if I go to a friend's house to watch a movie and they have a chaise lounge.
Maddox: (interjects) I see that thing and it just…it makes my blood boil! (angry)
Dick: Listen to me. A chaise lounge…here's why I love 'em. If you're in one, you have this…you have this…and maybe this is just me. I don't think so. You have this air of not being able to get up. Like, if you're lying in one…people will get you things, 'cause they think "Well he's in a chaise lounge, he can't possibly get up."
Maddox: No. (laughs)
Dick: I'm not gonna disturb his relaxation. I'm just gonna go get him the beer.
Maddox: Yeah. And he looks too fat to get up.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. It's great.
Maddox: No. It's a lose-lose…
Dick: (interjects) It's a magic chair!
Maddox: You look…no. 'Cause here's the thing…if I see someone sitting in the chaise lounge, I think, "Well, there's a person who needs to rethink their decisions in life." (Dick cracks up) I'm not getting them shit!
Dick: That's so fucked! (laughing)
Maddox: That shit pisses me off. It infuriates me! To the point, Dick, where I decided to rethink the living room a long time ago.
Dick: The concept of the living room, or your living room?
Maddox: The concept…(laughs)…well, both.
Maddox: The concept of a living room and my living room. I decided to…instead of getting a couch, I decided to just get a couple of chairs. Because if you think about the classic couch scenario in a living room, right?
Maddox: You have the couch, which is…it looks like three seats, but it's not, really, because no…yeah…(stammers) it could be. If it's long…if it's wide enough, three people could sit down on the couch, right?
Dick: (laughs) Yeah.
Maddox: Then you have the love seat. Yeah. Then you have the love seat…
Dick: Uh-huh. (grinning)
Maddox: Which LOOKS like a two-person seat, but nobody's gonna sit next to someone on the love seat. Even if you're dating them. Because it's just too gross.
Dick: Oh…lemme ask you something.
Dick: Do you ever sit on the same side of the table with a woman at a restaurant?
Maddox: I have.
Dick: Okay. But you don't wanna sit in a love seat with her?
Maddox: No. Because the restaurant scenario is different. 'Cause I don't want my back turned to the door.
Dick: Okay. (laugh) That…
Maddox: In case someone comes in, right?
Dick: I'm so glad I asked a follow-up question.
Sean: What are you, a Vietnam vet?
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: No, he's Quick Draw Maddox over here.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm always keepin' an eye on the place, guys! You're not gonna get the jump on me. I'll get the jump on you.
Dick: That's why…I think the chaise lounge makes you uncomfortable.
Maddox: Oh, of course.
Dick: Because you have to relax to get in it and you're so keyed up, you can't allow that.
Maddox: Dick, you CAN'T relax in these things, they're fucking God-awful. They only have…It's…it's like sitting on a…on a vertical L-shape. It's a 3D L. L is the most uncomfortable letter I can think of next to K.
Maddox: Might as well be a K.
Dick: Yeah, but look at even the way we sit when we're doing this. You are…I am ALWAYS leaning this microphone stand back so I can relax more.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay.
Dick: And you are always perfectly on mic.
Dick: Speaking directly into it.
Dick: I think it's just not your chair, man! It's not a problem.
Maddox: No. It's a huge problem, buddy!
Dick: Just don't sit in them.
Maddox: I don't!
Dick: Leave 'em for people like me.
Maddox: I don't! I fucking…
Dick: (interjects) And women with corsets. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. And women with hysteria who need massages.
Dick: Pelvic massages.
Maddox: They're not..okay. So anyway, Dick. (Dick laughs) The living room. The living room. You have the cough. You have the love seat, which is a two-seat, but deceptively, because only one…if you and your bro are gonna go, you're not gonna sit next to me on a love seat!
Maddox: You fuck off, right?
Dick: I'd sit on the floor.
Maddox: And then…yeah. Of course. You'd sit on the floor before you'd sit next to another dude on a love seat, right?
Maddox: Even if you're interested in the guy. (Dick cracks up) And then you have…(Maddox laughs)
Maddox: And then you have…then you have the…the…standalone chair. The big, like, throne-like chair.
Maddox: So that's the classic…
Dick: Oh, are you saying a literal throne, like you have? Or a throne like a normal person would have?
Maddox: (laughing) Like a normal person would have. Not like I have. You have, like, the La-Z-Boy.
Dick: He has a throne in his living room.
Maddox: I do. That's true. No, I'm talking about, like, the La-Z-Boy. So essentially, if you count up the number of seats you have, you have two, maybe three with the couch, one with the love seat, and then one with the La-Z-Boy. That's a grand total of five fucking seats.
Maddox: Garbage. You know what I decided? I'm just gonna buy five comfortable chairs to sit on. And I did for a long time. Now, there was…
Dick: That's weird, man.
Dick: That's a real fuckin' weird house that you're walking into with five seats. (grinning)
Maddox: I know. Oh, I know.
Dick: It's like you're a supervillain organization, everybody's sitting in their chair.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it was.
Dick: Or like, Dad Club.
Maddox: It looked weird.
Dick: Like the Chicago Bears guys hang out.
Maddox: You know, it was pretty cool, and in theory, it worked. My friends loved it. However, there was a flaw in this plan.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing) They're not gonna want to sit in La-Z-Boys.
Maddox: No. No. They don't.
Dick: Well, lemme tell you why you're a huge hypocrite.
Maddox: (giggles) Okay.
Dick: Because you have ottomans.
Dick: And what's an ottoman, is just a do-it-yourself chaise lounge.
Dick: Yeah, it is.
Maddox: No. No, they're not. (laughs)
Dick: Sure it is. You just line it up to the chair. Boom! Chaise lounge.
Maddox: You can put…no! That's not a chaise lounge. It's easy to get in and out of a chair with an ottoman. You just kick it. And if someone's pissing you off and they're sitting down on the ground because they came over and you bought a fucking loveseat and they're sitting on the ground like you? You can kick the ottoman at their head! It's fucking great. I love ottomans. I can kick ottomans all day. I love it! And then ottomans also double as storage. You can put your shoes in them. You can put your smelly, dog shit shoes in your ottomans. (Sean laughs) How about that, Dick? Seal it up for posterity. (Dick chuckles) Maybe bring it out in a million years and they're diamonds.
Dick: I dunno, man. I like to be comfortable. At all times.
Maddox: Hah! Great. Great, Dick. You know what? Chaise lounges don't make anyone comfortable. They're three less seats. Every time you go to someone's house, look at the L-shaped couches. They're deceptively big. They're so fucking big, you think, "Oh man, everyone can sit on this thing." But NOBODY can sit on them!
Dick: No, you got the…is that what it is? 'Cause I'm picturing a chaise lounge like a Victorian, sculpted, wooden sleigh.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Yeah. You're thinking of the right thing. Except the chaise sofas…so they've…they've tried to combine…they've combined the worst of both worlds. So they took the sofa, which is already flawed because they have that L angle, which nobody can sit in. Nobody's gonna sit in the L because it's wide and it's weird…
Dick: You gotta cuddle up, dude.
Maddox: No…who are you gonna cuddle up against? You're fucking watching the Superbowl! (annoyed) You're not cuddling with shit! Fuck off with your chaise lounge! Man that pisses me off. And then…so they have this chaise on the end of the sofa.
Maddox: And the L-shape. And everything's uncomfortable. And the pillows are rough. And it's always that stupid, fake…what is it? What's the material they use in couches?
Maddox: Is it naugahyde?
Dick: That fake leather?
Maddox: No, not even the fake leather. I don't mind that.
Dick: Oh, that fake, like, felt, velvety soft shit that, like, just sticks to you?
Maddox: Yeah. The felt, velvety…yeah. And it just stinks, like, after a while, 'cause everybody eats popcorn. And what's with you idiots eating popcorn and just rubbing your…grinding your greasy fingers into whatever fabric you're sitting on. What are you, inhuman?
Dick: No. There is no respect for furniture.
Dick: I'm with you now.
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: 'Cause I have this beautiful leather couch.
Dick: A very simple, three-seater leather cough, and a simple, like, throne seat. A one-seater. And when I picked leather, everybody laid into me. Like, they thought it was hilarious that I was getting a leather cough.
Maddox: Leather's great!
Dick: Yeah. It's like, you guys…can you not just dump your food all over yourself while you're sitting in it? That's all. That's all I'm asking. It's not that crazy. I think I've only had like one or two spills in the four years I've had it.
Maddox: I don't give a shit what anyone spills on leather. You just wipe it off. It's no big deal. It's that other bullshit that just stinks and reeks and it just sucks up everything like a sponge, unlike your fake-ass grass.
Maddox: Yeah. Bringing it back.
Dick: You got me there.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick. What are the problems this week?
Dick: We had…umm…God, what did I have? I had "Dog Shit", and…"Curb Your Dog".
Dick: Should that be the problem? Yeah, that's the problem. "Curb Your Dog".
Maddox: "People Who Don't Curb Their Dogs"?
Dick: I mean…I dunno.
Maddox: Well "Curb Your Dog" is a command, Dick. That's not a…(laughs) phrase it in the way of a problem. Come on. I don't wanna be all Jeopardy on this, but I gotta call you out on some of these fuckin' bullshit problems! (Dick laughs)
Dick: Yeah. I got shit in the comments for phrasing "Catcalling Wrong".
Maddox: "Everybody Needs to Lose 20 Pounds", that's another stupid one.
Dick: They do. That's a problem. Eh, oh, by the way…
Maddox: That's not a problem, that's a command! (laughs)
Dick: Hey. Kim Kardashian was on the cover of People last month saying "I think I need to lose 20 pounds."
Maddox: Oh, wow. (sarcastic)
Dick: I think she might be listening to this show. I'm surprised she didn't call in, 'cause that's an obvious celebrity.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) I am not surprised she didn't call in. So what else you got? You got your…
Dick: Yeah. "People Who Don't Curb Their Dogs"…
Maddox: "People Who Don't Curb Their Dogs". Let's phrase it correctly. Okay, that.
Dick: Uh, okay. You already won. No need to rub it in. (Maddox cracks up) "People Who Don't Curb Their Dogs", and what was my other one. "Fake Lawns".
Maddox: "Fake Lawns", or fake grass?
Dick: Well, not fake grass, because I like it in sports.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: So, synthetic lawns.
Maddox: Well, this changes everything. (laughs) Don't vote for that problem, guys. (they both laugh)
Dick: Just lawns! Like, the application of that wonderful sports technology to the home. I don't like that.
Maddox: Yeah. Astroturf. The key word "astro". And my problems were "Diamonds" and "Chaise Lounge Sofas", which are fucking garbage. Guys…
Dick: Spoken like a true proletariat.
Maddox: (laughs) Thank you…thank you for making this show an incredible success. We are just out the gates with already a million strong, and the bonus episode's going great. We have a lot more coming. A lot of people bought the season pass and we're gonna be releasing bonus episodes once a month. They're gonna be on par with what you've already heard, which is great, so.
Dick: Thank YOU, Maddox, for making it happen.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: This was a bold endeavor and a great experiment.
Maddox: Well, I am amazing. Thanks for listening, guys!
(Voice mail: (Jack Nicholson voice) "Hey Maddox. This is Jack Nicholson. I heard you got a million downloads on that stupid podcast. (Maddox giggling)Now that you're a big success, don't starting throwin' back pills like that Brokeback pansy that took the Joker from me. ( Dick: "Alllright.") Gimme a call when you got 10 million and maybe I'll let ya buy me a beer.")
Maddox: Oh, great. (laughing) Thank you, Jack.
(Voice mail: "Uhh, uhh, pardon me. Pardon me. Excuse me for calling. This is Detective Columbo. (Maddox laughs) And I'm just calling to wish, uhh…Dick and Maddox a happy million downloads. That's it. That's it. I won't take up more of your time.")
Maddox: Detective Columbo.
(Voice mail continues: "Actually, there is just this one more thing. And I'm sorry, but it slipped my mind. (Dick: "Oh.") Uh, Dick. You're under arrest for 900 date rapes.")
Dick and Maddox: Whoaaaa!!!
(Voice mail continues: "I don't have any evidence. Uhhh, (stammers) I'm pretty sure you're guilty.")
(Voice mail continues: "Yeah, that's right. Columbo's crooked now! Bye!!") (Maddox laughing)
Sean: Must have missed a few of Dick's conquests. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, right?
Dick: Here's another classic celebrity.
(Voice mail: (Strong Bad voice) "Dear Strong Bad. (Maddox cracks up) Today, we received one million downloads and, well, that's pretty good because we really don't have anything else going for us in our lives right now, so we really, like, we need people to listen to us… (Maddox still laughing) …and pay attention to us…and make us feel better about how things are going, so. You know, we'll make up numbers like a million downloads, so…")
Dick: Hey, you called in, asshole, so. (Maddox laughs)
(Voice mail: (creepy voice) "This is George Bush and I've been listening to your little podcast down there, and, well…it's bad! It's bad!!")
Dick: Nah, I don't think George Bush would say that.
(Voice mail continues: "When I heard that you guys wanted to get a million downloads, I thought, "They're not gonna do it. They're just not gonna do it. But here you are.")
Maddox: (laughing) Is this…
Dick: I think it's Dana Carvey.
Maddox: Is this Dana Carvey as George Bush? Yeah.
Dick: That's a celebrity.
(Voice mail continues: "It wouldn't be prudent for me at this juncture to tell you guys to go to Hell, but, I suppose I could..")
Dick: I mean, he's doing all Dana Carvey's material, whoever it is. (Maddox laughs)
(Voice mail continues: "But maybe you can get the hell out of my country now.")
Maddox: Alright, George. We're done with you, George.
Dick: I got one more. One more.
Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear it.
(Voice mail: "Hello Maddox. This is Wayne Knight. Better known as TV's Newman from Seinfeld.")
Dick: Oh, Newman.
Maddox: Oh, wow.
Dick: A celebrity!
(Voice mail: "I just wanted to congratulate you on your achievement of one million downloads. It's not like you aren't also an outdated relic of the 90s!")
Dick: Ohhhh, boy.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay. There it is.
(Voice mail: "How are you still relevant? I DESPISE you! I hate you! I…")