The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 23

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Warby Parker. Please visit for your next pair of eyeglasses.

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Hey! What's up buddy? How's it goin'?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Dick: Alriiight! First things first: who won?

Maddox: Right, yeah.

Dick: I'm confident about last week, 'cause I brought in a gooood-ass problem, and you brought in a wikiHow article. (taunting) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Like you don't know, DICK. (disdainful) I hate this SO much, when you win. (Dick cackles triumphantly)

Dick: HahahahaHAAAAAAAH!

Maddox: 'Cause first of all, does it really matter? Alright? (Dick keeps laughing) Does it matter -- it's not a contest! This isn't a contest.

Dick: It matters today!! (gleeful)

Maddox: Yeah. (irritated) Okay, so your California Drought Dickbags *barely* edged out, by 20 percent, my... (cracks up)

Dick: Oh, yeeeah. (grinning)

Maddox: problem of Hippies.

Dick: Read it again. (cockily)

Maddox: Yeah. You know what? Because it was essentially the same problem, and I think people recognized that, indirectly, through the episode. Sometimes -- so, that's what you get with The Biggest Problem in the Universe: you get synchronicity. (Sean snickers in the background) With co-hosts.

Dick: So you're saying that you kind of won? Because it was the same problem? Is that the shit you're trying to pull right now?

Maddox: Yes, except...*completely* won.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: So, yeah.

Dick: Good for you. Uh, I got some comments. Wanna jump into comments?

Maddox: Yeah, let's hear 'em.

Dick: Here's a good one. This is -- you remember my "Erotic Stories from Real Men" last week.

Maddox: Oh yeah. The...with the gross intro, right. It was very funny.

Dick: Yeah. People seemed to like it. Here's the comment: "Butt Sanchez here." He wrote in.

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)

Dick: [comment continues] "Maddox, you are such a hater." You did hate on that guy.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: You were hating on his hookup.

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause it was a...that was kind of like, 'you won, but your dad is also the coach of the baseball team.' (Sean laughs loudly in the background) You know?

Dick: Okay, okay. That -- yeah, you're a hater.

Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)

Dick: Uh, here's the rest of his comment: "I don't get laid often and I actually suffer from a stuttering problem I've had my whole life..."

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: So, how do you feel about that? " Dick helping me get laid is a fucking miracle and he's a great modern day humanitarian for doing it." (Maddox scoffs) Oh, I didn't read the whole comment before I brought it in.

Maddox: "Humanitarian..." (laughing, under his breath)

Dick: Uh, "Regardless, one of my idols calling me an idiot means I can die happy. Love you guys, keep up the good work."

Maddox: Hey, uh, as long as you don't...don't die happy, but don't die sad. As long as you die eventually...

Dick: Mmhm.

Maddox:, we're okay, we've done our jobs. Okay, well, I got a comment from Max Meza -- speaking of helping people -- he says, "Dear Dick and Maddox: Three days ago I was wallowing in a deep depression."

Dick: Oh no. (quietly)

Maddox: [comment continues] "I decided to check the XMission site" -- it's actually -- "in a vain attempt to see if Maddox had updated his site. To my surprise I saw the link to the podcast site." So, I guess this guy just finally stumbled across the podcast. He says, "At first I was skeptical about Dick as a co-host, but his drunken and arbitrary tirades..." (Dick and Maddox crack up) "...are the perfect foil to Maddox's cool and calculating, machine logic."

Dick: "Cool"? (chuckling) That's YOU?!

Maddox: That's me!!

Dick: "Cool and calculating"?!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: "Machine"? Man. (in disbelief) Uh...this machine better have a warranty. (teasing)

Maddox: Okay! (annoyed)

Dick: 'Cause it's fuckin' broken.

Sean: With sweaty veins standing out on his head at every turn? (grinning) (Dick and Maddox burst out laughing)

Dick: What kinda machine is this??

Maddox: Yeah!

Sean: I'm watchin' this every time, and...

Dick: Yeah. (gleeful)

Maddox: Well, the competition in my debates is YOU, who -- uh, I believe two of the rebuttals you had last episode were "Fuck you" and "Who gives a shit?"

Dick: Well, you know. Whatever it takes to win, Maddox!

Maddox: Yeah, well, you didn't.

Dick: Check the scoreboard!

Maddox: Okay. (dismissively)

Dick: 'Cause I fuckin' won last week. So maybe you should incorporate more of that into your "debating." (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah. You know what, Dick? (Dick laughs hysterically) That was the first time you've ever sent me actual PROBLEMS and RESEARCH! And research! This is the first time in the HISTORY of this podcast -- Episode #22, we've been doing this since last May -- that you finally sent me some research. Finally!

Sean: He wasn't ready for competence.

Dick: You don't think "people leaving their fly down" was a well-researched problem? (wryly) (Maddox laughs loudly) Fuck you.

Maddox: Alright, let me finish this comment. He says, he's like, "It's nothing compared to Maddox's cool and calculating, machine logic. That's not to say I don't like Dick, far from it, I love Dick." (laughs)

Dick: Cool!

Maddox: I'm gonna end the comment there. He goes on, but I think it's funnier if we just end it.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. I got one from Sarah Hoffman. She said, "How vaccines cause autism: ..." and then she linked to And I clicked on it, gettin' ready to get really pissed off, but it said, "They fucking don't." (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Yup!

Dick: So that shoulda had a [SATIRE] tag, quite frankly, 'cause I got duped. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Well, that's what it's there for, and that's a great -- I thought that was really funny. Thank you, Sarah. And then we...I got a comment from Tim Nadeau-Rifkind...that's a dumb name. Okay, here we go. (Dick smirks) I mean, you know, the "Tim" -

Dick: (interjects) Such a hater. (amused) Constant hater.

Maddox: The "Tim" part... (cracks up) Okay, he says, "No Dick, people don't hate Governor [misreading of 'Grover'] Norquist because he wears a suit. They hate him because of his pivotal role in our fucking stagnated Congress by bullying all of the Republicans and Tea Party morons into signing a pledge to never raise taxes." That's this guy!! That's Norquist, I remember now!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: He IS a governor! I DID know who you were talkin' about!

Dick: Oh, he was a governor?

Maddox: Yeah! Governor [Grover] Norquist, he's a piece of shit! He made everyone sign this -

Dick: (sighs) Here we go...

Maddox: - absurd, non-compromising, dig-your-heels-in, stand-your-ground, BULLSHIT "never raise taxes" rule, which is arbitrary and stupid! (yelling) No one can adhere to that, so they found clever ways to raise taxes without CALLING them taxes. Including the democrats -- that's what Obamacare is by the Supreme Court's own ruling...

Dick: A tax.

Maddox: a tax! Right.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But the -

Dick: (interjects) Is Obamacare your problem today?

Maddox: No. (cracks up) No, you dick. But yeah, that's Governor [Grover] Norquist!

Dick: You're right, it's all of our problems. Today. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Dick... (cautious) You got another comment?

Dick: Yeah, I do. I have a correction to make, actually. Last episode I said the Dreamcast was out in 2001 -- do you remember that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, Jon Bromley from East Brunswick has corrected me: "Hey Dick, you fucking idiot." (Maddox chuckles) "The Dreamcast came out in 1999 [...] shut your whore mouth and suck Maddox's dick for wearing an awesome shirt." So, sorry about that.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I got that wrong.

Maddox: Get to it. I got one from Justin Dreyer; he says, "If Dick doesn't start using condoms his penis is going to be the burning man." (everyone bursts out laughing)

Dick: So you brought in, brought in Hippies last time, and I remember you specifically said that there's been no hippie inventions.

Maddox: Yeah, nothin' good.

Dick: 'They have never contributed anything to society.'

Maddox: Oh, boy. Here we go.

Dick: But there's a lot of people who brought in -- yeah! There was a lot of people who brought in scientific discoveries that were influenced by drugs.

Maddox: Yeah, but they're all drug-related, too! It's like, LSD and shit like that. Okay, whaddaya got?

Dick: Well, this person, Gill Rios, says, "There's a legend that Francis Crick was under the influence of LSD when he first deduced the double-helix structure of DNA, and he was definitely not a hippie." Alright.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: He was on a bunch of LSD...

Maddox: So he was NOT a hippie.

Dick:'s the clincher, though: "I can't seem to find a reputable scientific source regarding this..."

Maddox: Okay! (laughing)

Dick: So I don't know...I don't know if that disproves what you're sayin'. (smiling) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You know what? I will -

Dick: (interjects) Thanks for the comment, Gill. (cracking up)

Maddox: I'm sorry, I cannot accept hearsay as evidence. Thank you, though. Thanks for the attempt. I have one from Paolo Van Erp; he says, "Hippies are fascinating creatures. I'd like to dissect one to see if I can find out what makes them so useless."

Dick: Yeah. (flatly)

Maddox: Science - speaking of science.

Dick: Oh, you know what? But your whole problem with hippies was your neighbor. Right?

Maddox: No, that wasn't my whole problem!

Dick: Ehh...

Maddox: My whole problem was *everything* about them!

Dick: It was kind of about your neighbor, though, really. Wasn't it?

Maddox: Well, she's...she was an EXAMPLE of a problem -- of the problem of hippies.

Dick: She's the one that you deal with.

Maddox: She's -

Dick: (interjects) She's the only hippie you DEAL with, really. Right?

Maddox: No, man! If you go to the beach, there are -- it's all fuckin' hippies, everywhere! And hippies are essentially...I would say probably 50 to 60 percent of homeless people are hippies. 'Cause you can't really tell. They might be hippies, they might be homeless; they've always got their drums with them.

Dick: Yeah, I would say, uh...100 percent of them are schizophrenic, probably. (Maddox laughs) Not 50 to 60 percent are hippies. Well, here's a guy who wants to help you with your neighbor. [plays first voicemail message]

Voicemail: Hey guys, this is Joe. Uh, I just wanna say, this podcast was on fuckin' point.

Dick: Alright...that's nice.

Voicemail: I'm down in L.A. too, and I have to deal with these douchebags every fuckin' day of my life.

Maddox: Probably at the beach!

Voicemail: So anyways, Maddox, uh, I got an idea for that cunt of a neighbor of yours.

Dick: WHOA!

Voicemail: We should probably go ahead and, uh, shit in a bucket for like a week...uh, Dick's gonna have to go through and clean up all those fart condoms, fuckin' weirdo. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Uh, then we're gonna go to Home Depot and we're gonna rent a paint sprayer. We're gonna mix that shit up with some water. Middle of the night, we're gonna paint her fuckin' house, we're gonna paint her car, salt her lawn...done. Don't have to deal with her.

[message ends]

Dick: I think that might be a little extreme.

Maddox: Uh, I don't know if it's goin' far enough. (Dick and Sean laugh) I don't know if it's goin' -- that's, uhh, not bad! Not a bad suggestion, thank you.

Dick: See if...see if it works. Here's another one for ya. [plays second voicemail message]

Voicemail: Heyyy, Maddox, maaan! (parodying a stoned voice) (everyone cracks up) Like, I think you need to mellow out on hippies, okay, man? Because, like, you know, that's just your opinion, and stuff. Okay? (Maddox laughs harder) Like, you know, you should really try to like, mellow out...and like, you know, some peyote or somethin'? (switches to normal voice; yells) And your FUCKIN' Fireball hippie BULLSHIT whiskey!

[message ends]

Dick: Yeah, alright. (grinning)

Maddox: Oho, okay! There it is! I was waitin' for it. (laughing)

Dick: Alright, yeah. (guffaws) (Sean laughs)

Maddox: But, you know, I think for a sec...for a second there, like, if you listen to his drawl, I think he's...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: he was trying to do a misdirect there, and fake us out, right?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: But I think he really is a hippie! He's, deep down, a hippie! 'Cause he has that kinda, "Luhhh..." slow drawl goin' about it.

Dick: He does. Speaking of drawls, uh, you brought in anti-vaccine people?

Maddox: Yeah, Anti-Vaxxers.

Dick: A couple episodes ago? There's -- somebody called in to complain about that.

Maddox: Great! (sarcastic)

Dick: Here you go. [plays third voicemail message]

Voicemail: Man, you guys really think that vaccines containin' mercury, formaldehyde, and aluminum are good for you to inject into your bloodstream? (in a thick Southern accent)

Dick: There's no turn on this one.

Voicemail: Because that don't make any kinda sense. I mean, really! Come on, man. As consumers and human beings, we need to rise up against this bullshit. (Dick and Maddox crack up) Thank you. Come on, talk about this, man. Talk about it.

[message ends]

Dick: "So talk about it." What do you think about that?

Sean: Who was that, fuckin' Cleveland? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Uh, he's...he obviously subscribes to the Dick Masterson school of argument, which is: "I mean, REALLY."

Dick: WHOA, whoa, whoa! Whoa. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Keep going!

Maddox: Yeah, Dick, here's your, uh, rhetorical approach. You get flustered...repeat yourself, prefixing it with, "So what I'm SAYING is..." And that's exactly what he did in his 30-second message.

Dick: First of all, rule number one of the Dick Masterson arguing method is: drop your Southern accent. (Maddox laughs) If you're gonna talk about science, or whatever, I don't care if you were born...I don't care if you were born in a moonshine still in Kentucky -

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: - you FAKE like you have a normal newscaster accent.

Maddox: Yeah, I agree! Fake it, dude. Okay, we should probably get to the problems.

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: Yeah, we got alotta problems this week. Go, uh, go ahead.

Dick: We do! Uh, my first problem is.....snapchats of not tits. (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Snapchats...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...of not tits. Okay!

Dick: Are you familiar with Snapchat? I'm gonna explain what it is: it's an app's an app that, first of all, no one over 25 should be using. And I think that number's gonna shrink as the episode goes on. It's an app that lets you send pictures to someone else, and they disappear when the other person gets them.

Maddox: Right. So, the idea behind it is that you can send NUDES to each other and then not have to worry about it coming back to haunt you, like Scarlett Johansson.

Dick: Yeah, that's...that's one use. You know, maybe if you're like, a spy and you wanna take pictures of confidential documents and send them back in, maybe, hypothetically speaking, if -- we're not just gonna say it's for teen sexting pics!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe THAT'S a use for it, too, Maddox! (sarcastic)

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: Oh, MAYBE, Dick. Yeah, maybe it is for spies. Spies use Snapchat at the NSA. (breaking into a grin)

Dick: So -

Maddox: (interjects) "Here you go, buddy!" (both laugh)

Dick: So, I have done, um...I started talkin' to this girl over Instagram. Right?

Maddox: Ooo.

Dick: Alright? I figured out a way to hit on girls over Instagram.

Maddox: Yeah, what's that? Just add them, 'cause they're so self-obsessed?

Dick: Yeah, but you can private message them! Did you know that?

Maddox: No, 'cause I can't -- I don't have Instagram.

Dick: Well, buddy, uh...

Maddox: I know I'm screwin' up, 'cause EVERY chick is on there! (annoyed)

Dick: They ARE!!

Maddox: I know.

Dick: And they're -- it's all the ones who are the most desperate for attention, too!

Maddox: Yeah! They're all narcissists! They have like, *thousands* and thousands of pictures of themselves; in swimsuits, at -- you know, actually, this is sounding pretty good. I'm gonna get an Instagram. (cracking up)

Dick: No, you -- yeah!!

Maddox: Yeah. (amused)

Dick: And it's no, um...there's no effort on your part.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You just, 'add, add, add, add, add.' And your competition -- like, you can see the guys hitting on them are...they're totally retarded.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: It's like watching people who don't speak English as a first language hitting on girls. (Maddox snickers) Anyway, I started talkin' to this girl. Come to find out, she's a lot younger than I thought she was.

Maddox: How young is this girl, Dick? (apprehensive)

Dick: I'll just say there are porno magazines dedicated to how young she is. Does that help?

Maddox: Uhhh, is she barely...?

Dick: "Legal," is what you're looking for. (grinning)

Maddox: There you -- I was gonna say "barely illegal." (amused) Uh...

Dick: No, barely legal.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Barely -- please! Please.

Maddox: Barely legal.

Dick: This is...this is recorded.

Maddox: Okay. (cracks up) So, she's 18.

Dick: You know! (offhandedly)

Maddox: Maybe 19.

Dick: Maybe.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So she says, "Hey, hop on Snapchat. I wanna send you some pictures."

Maddox: Oh, this is a scam. Here we go.

Dick: And I'm like, "What's...what's Snapchat?" (Maddox guffaws) Right?

Maddox: H'okay. (chuckling)

Dick: I'm 33, I don't know what fuckin' Snapchat is.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, so she goes, "Oh, it's..." -- she explains it to me. I load it up...I create an account, go through all this trouble.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: I get all these pictures loaded up...uh, you know what they are?

Maddox: Hmm?

Dick: Pictures of her dog...

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: of things she's looking at on her computer...

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: of the fuckin' fan in her bedroom, spinning around?

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: Like, what...what is this?

Maddox: Oh. (flatly)

Dick: What is the POINT of this?

Maddox: (negative 'sproing' sound effect)

Dick: What -- yeah!

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: Yeah. (annoyed)

Maddox: That's all it ever fucking is!, almost every girl I've added on there, uh -- and then a bunch of my dude friends add me, and I don't know what the fuck THEY'RE gonna send me. (Dick winds up) 'Cause it's never tits!


Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Why are GUYS adding other guys on Snapchat?! (yelling)

Maddox: I don't know, man. But I have probably, like...40 people on there, just, you know, because everyone adds everyone. It's another fuckin' thing! You just hit 'plus, plus, plus' - everyone in your contacts list shows up. And then all I get all day long are dogs and horses. (wearily)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Fuckin'...

Dick: Real dogs and horses, or just ones they download?

Maddox: No, real ones, but I don't care either way.

Dick: Wait a minute. People are sending you dogs and horses? Where are they?

Maddox: Yeah, I don't know where they are!! There's this one person in particular...I don't know who it is, because they use the alias or something, and I can't...

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I've been -- I haven't deleted them, 'cause it might be a close friend of mine, but it's also a...kind of a STUPID friend of mine, I guess, 'cause all they send me is pictures of horses! And I think all my friends, my close enough friends, know that I HATE horses.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So, I don't know why I'm gettin' these all the fuckin' time! And I can't tell if it's a colleague, or somebody I met at a party or something. (Dick laughs) I have NO fuckin' idea, and I'm waiting just for ONE picture of themselves, *or* tits.

Dick: So you just... (laughing hysterically)

Maddox: I would accept either!

Dick: So you just have a stream of HORSES coming into your phone all day?!

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, all day long! All day long. And then I have some friends who just have the BEST fuckin' life, and it's like, in-your-face, 'cause it's like Facebook to the next level. It's just nothin' but like, cool parties they're goin' to, good food they're eating, stuff they're doing all the time. 'Cause now they have that Snapchat timeline, which, you can add anything that you're doing to your timeline and they can see it for 24 hours.

Dick: You know more about Snapchat than me. (slyly)

Maddox: Ehh...

Dick: I didn't know that. I just know I don't get the pictures that I was PROMISED...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: the premise of the app, and it really pisses me off. Because they also -- you ALSO get in trouble for not responding. It's worse than text-- you know how text fucked you?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause chicks will send you a message and then they're like, "Well, where's your response? Where's your response? Where's your response?" (Maddox sighs irritatedly) Snapchat is worse because they don't have to think of anything to say!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: They just take a picture of the fuckin' TOILET and send it to you (Maddox smirks) and then say, "Well, what did you think of the toilet??"

Maddox: Well, well.

Dick: "Here's a picture of my new bedspread! What did you think of my bedspread?" I don't CARE!

Maddox: Hey, Dick Masterson, this is the grave you dug. Now lay in it.

Dick: How did *I* dig this?!

Maddox: This is what you created, 'cause YOU'RE the emoji fan, huh? This is the next step -- the next evolution, or de-evolution of emoji! Because now, sending you a standard set of emoji? They are creating their *own* - they're sending you pictures of their dog, or they're sending you pictures of their fan, or whatever it is in their house...their cousin, or even, god forbid, their BOYFRIEND. I get, like, chicks sending me pictures of their boyfriends! (cracking up) I'm like, "I don't - "

Dick: (interjects) Through Snapchat?

Maddox: Yeah, through Snapchat, and it's infuriating! I'm like, "I don't wanna see this! I don't know who this, I don't give a SHIT. I don't give a shit about your boyfriend, your FAMILY, anything! Anything other than ti-- like, whatever! (Dick cackles) Whatever it is, I don't care! Don't send it to me!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like, why am I, why do I...?? And it's urgent, too, because it sends a notification to your cell phone, so you reach down and you're like, "Oh god, what is this vibrating in my pocket?"

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: It's a NEW TONE, you can't customize the notification sound. So it just comes in, it's like, this weird tone! I'm like, "Oh, is that a calendar notification? Am I missing a MEETING?"

Dick: No.

Maddox: Nope! Just a Snapchat of some chick's boyfriend! (angrily)

Dick: But then you're like, "Thank god -- oh, it might be some tits. Great. I was having a shitty day, now I get to see some tits." Nope, it's a horse.

Maddox: It's a horse. (negative 'sproing' sound effect)

Dick: That's the -- THAT'S why it's not emojis, 'cause emojis are never a cocktease.

Maddox: Emojis are *always* a cocktease, according to YOU, 'cause you think that they're suggestive.

Dick: They are suggestive.

Maddox: It can be.

Dick: No, they are, they are suggestive! A picture -- a promise of a picture that disappears...

Maddox: Yeah...

Dick:, by definition, a cocktease. You DEFINITELY think you're getting tits, but you never are.

Maddox: To be fair, I have gotten a couple of spy documents. (wryly) (everyone laughs) So, good point, Dick. Yeah, okay. So let's go to the bigger question here, though...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox:, why is this a problem, let alone the biggest problem in the universe? Why is this even a candidate for being a problem on the list?

Dick: Did you not hear that I am getting cockteased with the promise of tits that I'm not getting? Did you not hear that part? That's a big problem.

Maddox: Yeah, but Dick, you also may or may not have chlamydia, so I don't really care. (Sean snickers in the background)

Dick: Well. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Which your...your "man" saved you from, which SO many people mentioned last episode -- by the way, Dick -- how WEIRD it was you kept referring to your "man" the entire time!

Dick: I got a comment about that, actually.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Lemme read...lemme read it, where is it...Brian Tougas: "Dick, gagging on cock is the only possible way you could sound any gayer than you already do," talking about my man.

Maddox: (fart sound effect) There you go. Fartin' out condoms, with you and your man. (cracking up)

Dick: Yeah. (sullen)

Maddox: Sean, people loved how hard you laughed at that during the last episode.

Sean: I still haven't recovered.

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling) Alright, well, is that, that all you got? Do you have any, uh, research? Statistics, evidence, anything to back up...?

Dick: I did do some research! (cheekily)

Maddox: Yeah? (amused)

Dick: Actually, yeah. (grinning)

Maddox: Did you research how many Snapchats you received that didn't have tits in them? (cracking up) Like, what...what do you got?

Dick: Yeah. Uhh, most of them.

Maddox: Uh-huh. (about to laugh)

Dick: That's the research.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm 100 percent pissed off about...not getting tits on my Snapchat.

Maddox: Fair.

Dick: What's the mentality behind it? You tell me!

Maddox: Sending...?

Dick: It's just crazy.

Maddox: It's more narcissism. And yeah, I did wanna mention something to the point, Dick, that it notifies them as soon as you've looked at it, so they know you've seen it!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: And they expect that response. That's why I don't check Facebook messages anymore; I see that I got something and as soon as I read it, they know I've read it and I haven't responded for a couple days, or weeks, or whenever. I respond to messages at MY convenience, on my schedule.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: Not when you've seen that I've read it. I may READ it, but then I put that in a to-do list somewhere, 'cause it's not my fucking priority! That's why I don't use WhatsApp. WhatsApp has the same fuckin' problem! As soon as you even start typing a message -- and iPhones do this!

Dick: Yeah, they do.

Maddox: Another reason iPhones are pieces of shit!

Dick: Ehhh....

Maddox: So when you start typin' a message to someone, it shows that "..." And then if you're trying to think of what to say or edit your response, or you get interrupted, then the other person on the other line might think, "Oh, he's really thinkin' hard about what to say to me! He must really care!" When the reality is, the mailman came to the door. Fuck off for a minute.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, I've started using what you're talkin' about to my advantage.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Like, this girl will send me Snapchats, and I won't look at 'em.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I've noticed, they get progressively more sexualized the longer I let 'em sit there. (mischievously)

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: Right? Classic...classic technique. So if you're under 20, and you're sending alotta sex around with, uh...whatever, the girls at your college or your high school, wherever the fuck -- whatever age you're supposed to be using Snapchat.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, and you think -

Dick: Uh, give that a shot.

Maddox: - you think that works. Because here's the other problem with Snapchat, is if you don't look at them, after a while they just disappear. Anyway.

Dick: Is that true?

Maddox: That's true.

Dick: OH.

Maddox: After, like, I think 24 hours or somethin'. They just disappear anyway!

Dick: Oh, shit. (quietly)

Maddox: Yeah! And then also, they do this other coy thing where you can decide how many seconds to display the message you send to somebody.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: Between, uh, 1 and 10. So if it's a nude -- if, god forbid, they actually use the app for what it's INVENTED for, they'll send it to you for like, 2 seconds. So it's like, I can't even get my fly down in that... (laughs robustly) It's not even enough time to commit to the spank bank!

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: I don't know, man. It's like putting a dollar on a teller's desk and saying, "Here, deposit," then just yankin' it real quick.

Dick: I can't even find where the nipple is in 2 seconds!

Maddox: I know!

Dick: You know?

Maddox: What am I -- is this a bellybutton? What am I looking at here??

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Can I at least SEE it long enough to tell whether it's an original, or you just snapped a picture of some...some magazine, someplace...? Aw, whatever. Garbage. Let's get to a real problem, man. (Dick cackles)

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Yeah. Ebola alarmists. (both start laughing)

Dick: Hahaha!! WHAT?!? (screeching)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: That's a real problem! What do you know about Ebola? It's this horrific disease, right? It's this horrific virus that kills people, makes them barf up blood, whatever. But it's *so* overblown.

Dick: You think the hysteria's overblown?

Maddox: Well, maybe! Lemme read you some, uh, some statistics here, okay?

Dick: Ohhh, great.

Maddox: I'm gonna read you this virus, and tell me if you think this sounds scary or if it's overblown. 'Kay?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: This virus "will swamp our hospitals [...] and by this time next year between 250,000 and 500,000 worldwide will be dead, thousands of them in the U.S. and Britain." [quoting The Guardian - ]

Dick: What, from Ebola?

Maddox: Pretty scary stuff, right?

Dick: I don't know that that's a real...that's a projection? Based on what?

Maddox: No, it's a real statistic!

Sean: No -- I know what he's doing.

Maddox: Yeah!

Sean: He's, uh, referencing some other disease. (Dick laughs loudly) It's like, the plain old flu or something.

Maddox: It IS the flu, Sean!

Dick: Is that what you're doing? (grinning)

Sean: It's the flu, yeah.

Maddox: It is the flu!

Dick: Ohh, you got busted!!

Maddox: Yeah, well, that's obviously what I'm doing. It's the FLU.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That's the flu. 'Kay?

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: That's what we're NOT worried about, that's killing 250,000 to 500,000 people yearly.

Dick: Okay, yeah.

Maddox: Nowhere near that for Ebola!

Dick: Ebola's down at like 4,000, isn't it?

Maddox: Yeah! Somethin' around 4,000, and it has anywhere from a 50 to 90 percent mortality rate. Uh, not that big of a deal.

Dick: I'm just letting you know in advance that I totally disagree with you on this one.

Maddox: Oh! (derisively)

Dick: But I want you get through your stats if you got any more.

Maddox: Great. Yeah, I got plenty of stats.

Dick: Before I start shouting at you.

Maddox: Yeah, I got plenty of stats, Dick. (sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.") And you gotta be a contrarian, I know, you always do, but -

Dick: (interjects) No! I actually DO think it's a problem! I think Ebola is POSSIBLY -- like, out of all the diseases that everyone's ever freaked out about, this one might be worth worrying about!

Maddox: M'kay! Well, "Since the Ebola outbreak began in February, around 300,000 people have died..." [quoting same article]

Dick: 'Kay.

Maddox: "...from malaria, while tuberculosis has likely claimed around 600,000" -- this is from The Guardian -- it's "claimed around 600,000 lives," in the same amount of time. "Ebola might have our attention, but it's not even close to being the biggest problem in Africa right now." It's not even the biggest problem in Africa, let alone our list, Dick!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Even Lassa fever, which shares many of the terrifying symptoms of Ebola, including bleeding from the eyelids, kills many more than Ebola -- and frequently finds its way to the U.S."

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: You know what THIS is. This isn't Ebola; this is SARS, this is bird flu, this is killer bees, this is the California drought. This is a slow news week.

Dick: I'm...gonna disagree with you...

Maddox: 'Kay!

Dick: ...because I don't -- I don't think it is.

Maddox: Based on what, Dick?

Dick: Well, all the things that you're talking about -- all of those other diseases that are sending those hundreds of thousands of people to hospitals -- those are all curable.

Maddox: No, they're not!

Dick: They're...they're not -- yeah they are!

Maddox: No, they're PREVENTABLE, but they're not curable. Not all of 'em are curable.

Dick: Okay - the flu? (skeptical)

Maddox: The flu is not curable! There is no cure.

Dick: But the flu...the flu only hurts, like, infants -- it only kills the very young and the very old.

Maddox: No, you can -

Dick: (interjects) It's very different from Ebola.

Maddox: No, that's not true, and I'll tell you why, uh, on that point.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Did you wanna finish something there? Or...'cause I wanna -

Dick: (interjects) I'm just explaining what's DIFFERENT about Ebola and these things...these other diseases that you're quoting.

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Well, there is no cure, but it's not just the infants and very old; people can -- just regular people can die from...

Dick: It's not 'JUST,' but it's 'mostly.' That's who's at risk with the flu.

Maddox: Okay, Dick -

Dick: Very young and the very old.

Maddox: - good point, the most vulnerable of our society. Go on.

Dick: Nonononono, but you and I are not at risk for getting *killed* by the flu!

Maddox: Well, I'M not! (laughs)

Dick: I'M not at risk for getting killed by the flu! (cracking up) Maybe syphilis!

Maddox: Yeah! (laughs harder)

Dick: THAT one might take me out, but not the fuckin' flu! Ebola, however, can get either one of us.

Maddox: No! It's -- but the odds are extremely rare! So is LIGHTNING, Dick! Lightning could also strike us.

Dick: Of course, but lightning strikes don't have the potential to go -- to rise out of control. If Ebola gets outta control, it could grow exponentially. That's a POSSIBLE problem. I'm not saying you should be freaked out about it, but it's different. Influenza's not growing exponentially, it is what it is.

Maddox: Influenza -

Dick: (interjects) It's gonna kill that many people all the time, 'cause that's what it does.

Maddox: Influenza -- no! Influenza is WAY more contagious than Ebola! (yelling) Ebola ONLY transfers through bodily fluids. Influenza can transfer through the air! You can just be in a theater where somebody sneezes, and you can get the flu.

Dick: But it's not *growing.* The amount of infections for the flu is not growing! The amount of infections for Ebola ARE growing, and it's not airborne, and it COULD be.

Maddox: But the rate at which it's growing is infinitesimal compared to any other disease that actually kills people, including malaria, that I just read - the statistic!

Dick: You're saying that the growth of Ebola is infinitesimal...

Maddox: The RATE.

Dick: ...compared to the flu?

Maddox: The RATE of growth.

Dick: The rate of growth...ugh, but it's NOT! What if it's -- what if it is exponential?

Maddox: It's not, they've already done models and statistics and calculations. It's just not that contagious! It really isn't. You have to get bodily fluids in or on you, and then absorb them into your body in order to get Ebola.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's way less contagious than measles, way less contagious than malaria, than tuberculosis, than all these things that actually kill people that we SHOULD be worried about. And we're not -- 'cause, you know, Dick, what if the rate of LIGHTNING grows outta control (cracks up) and we just all start dying from lightning? I mean, it's insane!

Dick: Wait a minute, is it? Have you heard that?

Maddox: No. No, Dick. (laughing)

Dick: Did you know about this? (teasing)

Maddox: No!

Dick: Should I start wearing a tin foil hat to protect myself from lightning? (smiling)

Maddox: Dick, I think you should. Uh, and tuck your hair under that.

Dick: (interjects) I'm not being a contrarian asshole! Like, I'm not being a conspiracy theorist!

Maddox: Yeah. (doubtful)

Dick: I think there's a couple things about Ebola that make it more worrisome than the BIRD flu.

Maddox: Okay, well, it's okay to be wrong. So, here's this article I... (starts laughing) Here's this article I read today; it says, "Don't Worry, Be Rational: Why - "

Dick: (interjects) Just...go ahead. Go ahead! (amused)

Maddox: It's -- yeah, I'll tell ya -

Dick: (interjects) Keep SHITTING on the people that are trying to help! (yelling)

Maddox: Yeah! (sardonic)

Dick: That's what... (splutters) Get right in line!! Step right in line with the rest of 'em. Go ahead!

Maddox: Yeah. (sound clip of Dick saying, "Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am.") (everyone explodes into laughter)

Dick: HahahaHAAAAAAH!! (playfully frustrated)

Maddox: (still giggling) It's,, on that point, you said -

Dick: (interjects) Such a fuckin' asshole. (grinning) (Maddox bursts out laughing) Go ahead.

Maddox: You said, DICK, that you think that the flu is only attacking old people and babies. Which, you know what -

Dick: (interjects) They're at risk!

Maddox: Of course, everyone's at risk.

Dick: I don't -

Maddox: (interjects) EVERYONE'S AT RISK.

Dick: 100 percent of flu victims are not that -- everyone is not at risk for the flu!!

Maddox: Yes, they ARE.

Dick: You and I are not!

Maddox: *I* am not, 'cause I'm invincible. But here's the thing: I'm okay with the flu takin' out old people and babies! (cracking up) I hate those segments of the population. However, I do wanna point this out -

Dick: (interjects) It's well-documented. (smiling)

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, in T-shirts, comic books, writing, AND an episode of Penn & Teller's: Bullshit! So there's that.

Dick: Hey, speaking of T-shirts, do you wanna talk about your new store launching? Is that something you wanna do?

Maddox: Actually, yeah! That'd be kinda cool!

Dick: Yeah! (amused)

Maddox: You know what? I'll just mention that right now, yeah! I'm transitioning to the new store, and,'s the first time in 11 years that I am changing storefronts, and I've launched a whole bunch of new products. That's a weird commercial we just crammed in there! And -

Dick: (interjects) We got alotta commercials this episode!! (shouting)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Keep goin', with your Ebola. (grinning)

Maddox: You know what, though? I finally have a glow-in-the-dark shirt! It's comin' out next week, I'm gonna launch it next week.

Dick: What does it say?

Maddox: Just my logo. My face.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Yeah, cool as shit! It's like, huge, too! It's a cool glow-in-the-dark T-shirt. Anyway dude, uh, real quick -- so, you said that the flu has less chance of killing you than, say, Ebola. But here's the thing: this article said, "Why Extreme Fear of Ebola Is Bad For Your Health," right? It's from this website I'll link on our site. [ ] So they interviewed this guy - he's a risk perception consultant, David Ropeik. Which I didn't even know was a thing. But he says -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it's not. (Maddox laughs) It's just some asshole making up what he wants to do.

Maddox: No, no! So listen to this, he says when we worry, it's biologically equivalent to stress. 'Kay?

Dick: Oh, god. (quietly)

Maddox: Worrying IS stress. "Chronic stress raises our blood pressure and increases the risk of cardiovascular problems; it suppresses our immune system and makes us more likely to catch infectious diseases" -- INCLUDING Ebola -- "and it makes us get sicker from them if we do. It interferes with neurotransmitters associated with mood, and it is strongly associated with clinical depression. Chronic stress interferes with digestion and memory and depresses fertility and slows bone growth."

Dick: you're not freaked out about a MURDEROUS disease that kills half of the people it touches and is incurable, but you're worried that STRESS will give you a loss of BONE GROWTH? (yelling) Are you fuckin' -- that's the position you're takin' on this? 'Ebola? No problem. might lose your BONES!'

Maddox: OR, it increases your risk -

Dick: (interjects) Or have diarrhea!

Maddox: No - you know, I got that right now, actually. (Dick and Sean laugh loudly) Um, it increases your risk of even contracting Ebola in the first place! Listen to how -- listen to this insanity that's goin' on because of Ebola! In Cleveland, schools are closing and they're being washed down in BLEACH!

Dick: Hey, FUCK school! Any excuse to shut down a school so these kids can have a day off. Come on, everybody's workin' hard! Take the day off!

Maddox: People are -

Dick: (interjects) What are you, pro-school, now? (mocking)

Maddox: Uh, yeah, Dick! We need fewer dumbasses! People are going to airports wrapped in PLASTIC and DUCT TAPE. (Dick giggles loudly)

Dick: Really!

Maddox: These idiots -- yeah! I just flew -

Dick: (interjects) Is that true?

Maddox: Yeah! I just flew through Dallas-Fort Worth, and, um, I was in Omaha this weekend.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I saw it everywhere, man! There's hand sanitizer everywhere, people are wearing masks - people are wearing latex gloves on a plane, EATING PEANUTS with their latex gloves that they've touched everything else with. You guys are idiots!

Dick: Yeah...look, that's hyster-- I'll give you that. That's hysteria, that's stupid. But the disease itself is NOT innocuous, I don't think. (Maddox sighs quietly) When the government and the news are both tellin' me that I don't have to worry about something, that's when I start gettin' worried. They say, "Bird flu - it's gonna kill ya." Okay, I don't need to worry about that, it sounds stupid. "Ebola? Uhh, don't worry about it! We got some plans. We don't have a cure. Uh, it might mutate, but just don't worry about it! Relax, relax, relax. No reason to get hysterical." That's when I go, like, "Wait a minute. What do you mean, 'don't worry about it'?"

Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) (cracks up) Congress is threatening to pass legislation to ban flights to and from Ebola countries. Which, by the way, that means America! 'Cause we have Ebola over here.

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: 8 people have gotten Ebola in America, and 1 of them has died. 1 out of 8. And it's -

Dick: (interjects) That doesn't worry you?

Maddox: NO!

Dick: At all?

Maddox: Absolutely not!

Dick: Happened pretty fast!

Maddox: Look at the ODDS, Dick. What are the odds you're gonna get Ebola? Pretty much zero!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You have better odds of winning a lottery. You have better odds of getting sniped by the D.C. sniper, the same one they put in jail. (cracks up)

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Those are...those are your odds. (Dick chuckles) You have better odds. So, listen to this -

Dick: (interjects) I agree with you. I agree with that.

Maddox: Yeah! So this is, again, according to The Guardian; they said, "During the SARS outbreak in 2003..." -- now, a lot of people might not remember this, but SARS happened, and it was this upper respiratory tract infection. Right? It stands for Severe Acute Respiratory...something.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And uh, and the 'S' may actually stand for "something." (cracking up) But in 2003, "Asian-Americans became the targets of just that" -- of this like, hysteria -- "with public health hotlines inundated with calls from Americans worried about 'buying Asian merchandise'..." (Dick laughs loudly) Uh-huh! "...'living near Asians,' and 'going to school with Asians.'"

Dick: Okay. Let me just say...I think those people would find something else to be retarded about.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: If they didn't have SARS.

Maddox: Yeah, it's called "Ebola"!

Dick: If they didn't have Ebola, it would be vaccines! (grinning)

Maddox: It's called "anti-vaccinations," yeah!

Dick: You cannot -- THAT is just as stable as influenza. People being retarded.

Maddox: So, here's the thing, Dick: Ebola...this is the first modern outbreak, large-scale modern outbreak we've had of Ebola.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We've never attempted to treat Ebola with modern medicine! And so far -

Dick: (interjects) Really?

Maddox: Yeah! It's the first time!

Dick: So we're sending free *shoes* to Africa? We haven't bothered to try to cure their Ebola? (cracking up)

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: Huh. (amused)

Maddox: No need. And the poor president of Liberia...she's actually like, this nice-looking, grandmotherly woman. Uh, she just -- she's like, pleading to everybody. She said, "Hey, please help us out."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "We need help here, and everyone's just kinda..." Our Congress's response is, "Let's BAN flights to Liberia."

Dick: Well...compromise, man!

Maddox: (chuckles) Yeah. Great. (Dick laughs) That's some kinda compromise. They did the same thing with bird flu and Mexico! Remember, during the height of the bird flu epidemic -- and I'm using the word "epidemic" loosely here -- I drove down to Mexico...this is actually something I've never told on my website or to any of my fans.

Dick: Ooo!

Maddox: I drove down to Mexico to try to get bird flu. Um, I went around (laughs) and found some Mexicans and like, paid them (Dick laughs hysterically) to cough and sneeze in my face, uh, because -

Dick: (interjects) Are you serious?!

Maddox: Yeah! I have pictures of this!

Dick: You have pictures of Mexicans spitting in your mouth? (incredulous)

Maddox: No, they didn't spit in my mouth! They were just like, breathing in my face know, whatever. I was SO confident that bird flu was bullshit, 'cause it is! The flu has a higher mortality rate than bird flu -- the normal flu.

Dick: I just wanna say, *I'm* the weirdo for having a man in my apartment? Yet YOU are driving down to Mexico to get strange Mexicans to sneeze and cough in your face? You win the fuckin' weirdo award THIS week, buddy. (Maddox laughs heartily)

Sean: No, wait - you just found random Mexicans to sneeze and cough all over you?

Maddox: You know, they were merchants. They were trying to sell hats and trinkets and stuff like that.

Sean: You were just hoping one of them had the bird flu? (dryly) (Dick laughs)

Maddox:, not bird flu. Swine flu, actually. Yeah. It was swine flu.

Dick: Oh, make up your mind.

Maddox: Yeah, oh, it's the same...same difference, whatever. It's some bullshit that the -- it's a slow news week. "Oh, swine flu's the deadly one this week. You'd better be careful, swine flu's the really bad one." It just SOUNDS scary because, oh, they associated an animal with it! (derisively) An animal that's known to be dirty.

Dick: I feel like the HYSTERIA is now the news story. It's not even that the Ebola -- like, what you're saying right now seems like the talking points of, what is that jackass's name...uh, Shepard Smith!

Maddox: Governor [Grover] Norquist.

Dick: Nonononono. Shepard Smith, that news anchor?

Maddox: Yeah! On Fox!

Dick: He...yeah.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: He came out with that extremely, like, patronizing, baby-talk...

Maddox: Nope.

Dick: ...presentation on Ebola. What do you mean, "no"?

Maddox: Yeah, it wasn't patronizing, it was actually very factual. It was one of the few things, few times that -

Dick: (interjects) Oh!

Maddox: Yeah. [indicating for Dick to talk]

Dick: It can be both.

Maddox: Go on.

Dick: First of all, I BROUGHT it.

Maddox: Oh, let's hear it!

Dick: You wanna listen to this -

Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.

Dick: - and tell me it's not fuckin' patronizing?

Maddox: Let's hear a little bit of it.

Dick: Alright. [plays Shepard Smith video clip]

Shepard Smith: Together now. (exhales)

Dick: He's takin' a deep breath for you. (parodying a soothing tone) Like a yoga class.

Shepard Smith: In the next two minutes, I'm gonna give you the facts on Ebola.

Maddox: 'Kay!

Dick: 'Kay.

Shepard Smith: It'll take just three minutes.

Maddox: Three minutes, cool! I got three minutes.

Shepard Smith: First today, given what we know, you should have no concerns about Ebola at all. None, I promise.

Maddox: Done! I don't.

Dick: How is that fuckin' news?

Shepard Smith: Unless a medical professional has contacted you personally and told you of some sort of possible exposure, fear not.

[Dick pauses video clip]

Maddox: Yep!

Dick: What...okay, what is this? That's very patronizing.

Maddox: No, it's not!

Dick: Getting on TV and telling you that you shouldn't be afraid unless a doctor talks to you?

Maddox: Because -

Dick: (interjects) What are you, a fuckin' DOCTOR, Shepard Smith?

Maddox: No! No, but he's a journalist and he's doing his job! He's telling Americans not to worry about this overblown bullshit, which maybe a certain Dick Masterson with a burning penis might benefit from listening to!

Dick: It's grandstanding. (jeering) (Maddox laughs) He's getting up there and being so overly sentimental and caring, his precious viewers. (dripping with sarcasm) You wanna hear more?

Maddox: Yeah! [Dick resumes Shepard Smith video clip]

Shepard Smith: Do not listen to the hysterical voices on the radio and the television or read the fear-provoking words online.

Maddox: Or podcasts! (laughs)

Shepard Smith: The people who say and write hysterical things are being very irresponsible.

[video clip ends]

Maddox: "Irresponsible," amen.

Dick: Oh, GOD.

Maddox: Thank you, Shepard Smith. They ARE being irresponsible.

Dick: Nope! No news yet, by the way. No facts about -- he coulda cut that three minutes down to TWO minutes -

Maddox: Dick...

Dick: - if he'd lost all THAT shit.

Maddox: They've reported all these facts on different segments on Fox News, on CNN...Anderson Cooper has talked about it...people -- I saw a tweet the other day where someone was imploring CNN to stop sending Anderson Cooper to Ebola countries. (amused) First of all, are you kidding me? And how weird and kinda cool would it be if a very famous news reporter just died from Ebola? (Dick guffaws) Like, then that would be kind of...oh, these guys are shakin' their heads. Whatever. Uh, that would be kind of interesting, at least.

Dick: I'm not shakin' my head!

Maddox: Yeah. But it's SO unlikely...dude, put me in a room with someone with Ebola. As long as they don't sneeze or cough on me -- like, I'm not gonna go to Mexico and have people with Ebola, uh, or Liberia, and have people's Ebola sneezed in my face.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Okay? That's stupid. That's a way...and it does have a high mortality rate *if* you get it. But that "if" is EVERYTHING. You're not going to! It's REALLY unlikely.

Dick: Yeah, that's the thing about exponential growth of something like this, though!

Maddox: Dick, it doesn't! (exasperated)

Dick: Once it gets outta control, it's outta control!

Maddox: No! There's a flowchart that shows the, uh, how contagious different diseases are. Measles is by far the highest, and these anti-vaxxer DIPSHITS in Malibu are not getting vaccinations and that has a higher mortality rate than Ebola! Way more people die from that shit!

Dick: Measles has a higher mortality *rate*?

Maddox: Uh, well, maybe not -- no.

Dick: Like, percentage? Or numbers?

Maddox: I take that back. Uh, probably numbers. I think numbers, because way more people get measles than do Ebola.

Dick: Yeah. The mortality RATE is the issue here to me.

Maddox: No, the -

Dick: (interjects) The fact that it might kill you on a coin toss...

Maddox: Yeah, Dick!

Dick: pretty worrisome.

Maddox: Based on 1920s statistics of mortality of Ebola! This is the first time, again, that we've been trying to treat it with modern medicine: intravenous treatment, keeping fluids...just keeping people hydrated, which they weren't able to do effectively before IV drips, uh, when people got Ebola. Just that alone has brought down the mortality rate. We haven't even really started -- and already today I read an article, I think it was on Scientific American, about how they just came out with research that shows how the the Ebola virus penetrates our cells, and it's dependent upon one specific type of amino acid.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Which, they may be able to find some medication to block in our systems if you have Ebola, and that's that. That's the end of Ebola. It'll be another little, uh, footnote in history...

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: ...of SARS, and bird flu, and -

Dick: (interjects) And smallpox. (Maddox smirks)

Maddox: Yeah! Well, until these anti-vaxxer morons bring it back and kill all of us.

Dick: Smallpox wiped out like, a third of people, didn't it?

Maddox: It was pretty bad, yeah!

Dick: Which's similar to Ebola, isn't it? Smallpox?

Maddox: I don't know. I don't, uh...I don't think so.

Dick: Except Ebola has a non-human host. Smallpox didn't have that.

Maddox: What is the non-human Ebola host?

Dick: Bats. I think it's bats, I dunno.

Maddox: Are you sure it's not... (monkeys whooping sound effect)

Dick: I heard it from a guy -- (laughs loudly)

Maddox: Huh? Monkeys! Vote it up, people!

Dick: Yeah, well, if they DO cure it, isn't it because of all this media hype?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Nobody was lookin' for a fuckin' cure before! Now all of a sudden everyone's hysterical, we gotta find a cure.

Maddox: No, we don't, Dick. (annoyed)

Dick: Sooo...mmmm, I gotcha on that one! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: We're just trying to help out poor Grandma Liberia, their president.

Dick: Ha! The U.S. doesn't care about Africa.

Maddox: Yeah...I'll agree with you on that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What's your next problem?

Dick: Let's take a minute to thank our sponsor! Today's show is brought to you by Warby Parker. Visit for your next pair of eyeglasses. You enter that code and you'll get free 3-day shipping on your purchased eyewear. So lemme tell you about Warby Parker. It's a new concept in eyewear: contemporary eyeglasses that are extremely affordable and fashion-forward.

Maddox: They do look pretty good, dude! I checked out the website, uh, know, 'cause I've had some opinions about glasses, especially from Oakley and Ray-Ban and all these other competitors.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah.

Maddox: Which are all the same company. Uh, but these ones look really good, on Warby Parker!

Dick: Well, they sent us some free ones. You should try 'em on, I don't know. I don't know what it would take for *you* to buy an expensive pair of sunglasses. They're gonna give us a pair for running this ad.

Maddox: So, Dick -

Dick: (interjects) Uh, so I brought in -- I offered the suggestion that we should have some kind of a game to see who gets the one free pair of sunglasses, whether it would be Maddox, myself, or Sean, and uh, what was your response to that?

Maddox: Uh, I said I should get them all. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. There you go. (smiling)

Maddox: I should get a free pair of sunglasses.

Dick: So, Maddox is gonna get a free pair of sunglasses after this.

Maddox: Yeah. OR, or, we can each have a lens. (Dick giggles) And then we can change custody. So I just put on -- Dick handed me this cool pair of aviator sunglasses.

Dick: Yeah, you look great. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah, right? (Sean laughs loudly in the background) Sean? Huh? Whatever, Sean. (disdainful) (Sean laughs more)

Dick: Put 'em on straight, shithead!

Maddox: Well, I'm wearing headphones!

Dick: You can't move the headphones for a SECOND?

Maddox: There. They're on straight.

Dick: So, here's the copy. Lemme read you this: "The industry" -- this is what Warby Parker says -- "The eyewear industry is controlled by a single company that has been able to keep prices artificially high while reaping huge profits from consumers who have no other options." Uh, they're trying to get around that. Their prescription glasses start at 95 bucks, including lenses. Options include glasses, reading glasses and sunglasses. And they also offer you the ability to try them on at home, which you are currently doing. [to Maddox]

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I kinda like that! I don't like goin' into the store and...tryin' shit on with a buncha assholes.

Maddox: No, it's about -

Dick: (interjects) And you gotta go to the MALL when you do it, too, which is an even bigger pain in the ass.

Maddox: Yeah, it's about time online retailers finally started making this 'try on at home' thing a reality. Right? Because why are you gonna go into a store or a mall, or whatever, and stand in line at a kiosk and talk to one of those idiots? Those underpaid...morons. Uh, which, by the way, I needed a cable -- I walked into one, one time -- and asked these guys, I said, "Hey, I just need a USB charging cable." Guess how much it costs just for a Micro-USB charging cable.

Dick: 20 bucks?

Maddox: Yeah, 25 bucks!

Dick: Yeah. Where -- oh, yeah.

Maddox: EVERYWHERE charges 25 dollars for a cable that costs, like, 3 cents to make. Less than 3 cents.

Dick: Where did you -- they gotta pay for the storefront though, man. Where'd you go?

Maddox: Oh, so I just went places that weren't selling them and just asked them if they had a cable to sell me. (playfully)

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Whatever, man. Uh, Warby Parker, you don't have to deal with that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's my point. (smiling)

Dick: Good job.

Maddox: These glasses look really good on me. I think, uh, I think I win.

Dick: There you go! Take 'em home with you, they're yours. Alright, we doin' another problem?

Maddox: Let's do it.

Dick: Uh, my next problem is.....chatty Uber drivers.

Maddox: Chatty Uber drivers. (amused)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Now, why is that a problem, Dick? And I...actually agree.

Dick: Already, you're IMMEDIATELY to the cutting down of my problem!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Look -

Maddox: (interjects) Well, let's hear it! Let's hear it.

Dick: I *hate* cabs. As much as the next guy.

Maddox: Cabs BLOW.

Dick: Yeah, they're the worst.

Maddox: Absolutely!

Dick: They never know where anything is...

Maddox: No! And they take the slowest route, they're belligerent, and everything they try to do to improve the cab-riding experience backfires. It's -- they put in those monitors in the back, those TVs, that you can't turn off and it's just -

Dick: (interjects) OH, my GOD, dude!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I'm getting flashbacks of driving to the airport at 6 in the morning with the same *fucking* ads playing over and over on that television!

Maddox: And it...yeah, the same like, 3-minute Entertainment Tonight clip. And it's mostly in New York; every time I go to New York, their seems like they've taken one step forward and two steps back.

Dick: And they're liars! Their credit card machines are NOT always broken, even though they say they are.

Maddox: Oh, they're so fulla SHIT. And they're so -- yeah, they're so belligerent and they always insist on...uh, if you don't tip them 'cause they took the slow route, or they went the wrong way and they kept the meter running...they're idiots!

Dick: So Uber's a godsend. Right?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: It fixes everything....bye-bye, taxis.

Maddox: So, uh, explain Uber for some people who don't know.

Dick: You get on your phone, you request a request an Uber. You get on the app and then somebody -- just some person who signed up to be a driver -- shows up where you've requested them and drives you to where you wanna go.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: And it's all handled with your iPhone.

Maddox: Mhm! It's great!

Dick: The payment goes through it, everything goes through it. It's perfect.

Maddox: Or Android. Yeah, it's great.

Dick: Except, *except* that these motherfuckers wanna chat your ear off. (Maddox smirks) Every time you get in the Uber with them. Right? They always have some deal that they wanna work out with you, and I don't know where they get that. I'm -- this is just a plea, from me to everyone, to stop chatting me up in Ubers. (slowly for emphasis)

Maddox: Yeah, why? Why.

Dick: Because I got my phone back here!

Maddox: Yeah. Interesting, Dick. Um, weren't you the same guy who complained about everyone being on their phones early on in our podcast? (teasing)

Dick: I don't need a 5-minute...friend. I want you to pay attention to the road.

Maddox: Okay! I'm on board with that, but uh...yeah, just so they get us there quicker.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which NONE of them ever -- like, I've only ever had one aggressive Uber driver...

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: ...and it was me. And I wasn't driving Uber. Uh, but they're never aggressive! They're always being very polite and very slow; I'm guessing it's because of other passengers.

Dick: Well, you know what? Speaking of 'other passengers,' the real problem -- I think we get criticized for not bringing in female problems on this show.

Maddox: Well, YOU.

Dick: Ye-- well, okay. (Maddox chuckles) I'll cop to that. But it seems like these Uber drivers are like, OUT of CONTROL harassing women!

Maddox: Yeah, it's -

Dick: (interjects) Have you heard about this??

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It seems like every week, some broad's getting abducted!

Maddox: Well, you're also hearing about it. Like...look, dude. As a percentage of Uber drives that actually happen, it's *extremely* low. Just like the percentage of all interactions that happen with strangers - the number of them that end in homicide are extremely low...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...the number of them that end in rape are extremely low; the number of them that end in burglary are extremely low.

Dick: However, the number of them that end in uncomfortable harassment is extremely high!

Maddox: I don't think so.

Dick: No! I -

Maddox: (interjects) I think you're just hearing more about it.

Dick: I think EVERY chick has a story, or multiple stories, about Uber guys chatting them up in weird ways.

Maddox: Well, that may -- I don't know, man. I mean, it's...

Dick: 'Cause I didn't think this was a problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And like, this girl I know was telling me about how big of a problem it was, and I was like, "You're crazy! These guys are just...they're doin' their job, they're drivin' a car, they're semi-professionals; why are all these guys nonstop harassing you?" Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, sure enough, we take an Uber to my place. I hop out, she keeps goin'. As soon as I get outta the car -- the guy was SILENT the entire time -- turns around and goes, "Oh, so, what were you, on a date? Didn't go well?"

Maddox: Wow!

Dick: I was like, "You've gotta be fuckin' KIDDING me, man!"

Maddox: Well, I do have an anecdote similar to that about a friend of mine who took an Uber to a bar one time, and got outta the car...she thanks the guy, and he asks her if he can come in with her. (dryly) (Dick and Sean burst out laughing) Pretty creepy.

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: And then...and then it puts them in the awkward situation where, if they say "no," it makes them seem rude and then they might get a rude encounter with that Uber driver. OR if they say "yes," doesn't matter!

Dick: Of COURSE you're not gonna say "yes"!

Maddox: No, of course not.

Dick: It's some asshole that you just met in a car that you hired to drive you around! You're goin' into a fuckin' BAR with him? Are you kidding me??

Maddox: You know what's weird, is, uh, I've actually gotten burgers with several Uber drivers. (cracks up) I don't know why, but this has happened multiple times. I don't even remember the circumstances 'cause I was probably drunk. But I was going to a burger place in Hollywood, and this Uber driver overheard our conversation -- me and my friend in the back -- and we were talkin' about how good these burgers were.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And he was like, "Wow, yeah, these do sound like good burgers! They put bacon on 'em?" I'm like, "Yeah, they put bacon on 'em!" "Avocado?" I'm like, "Yeah, dude, you can get an avocado burger!" So we pull over and he's like, "Alright, well, uh, I should probably eat somethin'." (cracks up) And we're like, "Okay, so...I guess you're joining us." And he did! He just came in.

Dick: What the FUCK?

Maddox: That was our friend for the night. Uh, you know, honestly though -

Dick: (interjects) Look, they're gonna fuck it up. They're gonna fuck -- we're gonna have to go back to taxis.

Maddox: No.

Dick: 'Cause these people, these guys -- these chatty Uber guys are gonna fuck it all up.

Maddox: I don't know, man, I'll never go back. But yeah, some of the Uber drivers are creeps. I've actually had the experience of networking with Uber drivers. (cracking up)

Dick: Dude, that's EXACTLY what I was gonna say next. I don't wanna hear about your band. I feel like -- back ten, fifteen years ago, you'd have to hear about someone's band whenever you were stuck in a car with them. Now you have to hear about their social fuckin' marketing project.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I'm SSSSICK of it. (Maddox laughs quietly) I DON'T wanna hear about the TED Talk you listened to that inspired you to think about quitting your job and...starting a revolution online.

Maddox: Yeah, you know, it's funny you mention that. That's... (cracks up) that's almost exactly what happened to me this afternoon when I took, wasn't Uber, it was Lyft. Lyft is another service that's similar to Uber; I took it home from the airport. The guy actually was like, really nice, and he told me all about his, uh...his social marketing project -

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: - and I gave him some pointers, and he said, "I should hire you, blah blah blah..." We exchanged contacts and, you know, we'll see where that goes. But uh, I don't know. He was a nice guy, it was a nice chat - I didn't mind it so much. I mean, I guess I'm fortunate that...I'm not being -

Dick: (interjects) That you're not a woman.

Maddox: Yeah, that I'm not a woman and being harassed by it. Uh, which...I get, yeah, it does suck. But I don't know pervasive it is.

Dick: I think it's more pervasive than you and I can even imagine.

Maddox: Well, so...if it IS, though, they are essentially risking their professional reputation.

Dick: What, the...?

Maddox: The Uber drivers!

Dick: The Uber guys?

Maddox: Because you can rate each one of them. If they have a low rating -- if they drop below a 4, they get kicked off the service.

Dick: Yeah, but you know how chicks are, they NEVER do that shit.

Maddox: Well, then it's not a problem!

Dick: Like, they -- 'cause they don't wanna hurt anybody. They don't, they don't wanna be harassed -

Maddox: No, no no no.

Dick: - but they don't wanna stand up for them-- dude, they don't, they DON'T one-star 'em. I've seen 'em do it; they'll tell me a horrific story, and then they'll go, like, "Eh, four stars. I don't wanna get in trouble, I don't wanna cause problems."

Maddox: That's...that's your fuckin' fault, Stockholm Syndrome! Like, if you have -- if you're not rating these people lower, then you're ENCOURAGING it! You can't complain to your friends, and then not complain to Uber or Lyft! If this shit happens, you need to nip it in the bud and get these creeps off the road!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: If you think that it's a problem. Otherwise, shut up about it!

Dick: Well, that's what I'm doin'!

Maddox: Yeah...what? (laughing)

Dick: That's why I brought it in today. (smiling)

Maddox: Ohh, THANKS, Dick. (amused)

Dick: I just want Uber -- look, look: don't start the conversation! That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That should be the rule. If it's a woman in the car, don't talk to her.

Maddox: But I get some chatty Uber drivers, and it's just...they're just rambling, they're lonely, whatever. It's not just Uber, though; I've had cab drivers, I've had professional car services pick me up, and the guy's -- THOSE guys are the chattiest, actually! They -

Dick: (interjects) You might be right about that. I got some great strip club stories from one of those guys.

Maddox: Yeah! I get -

Dick: (interjects) In Florida, of all places. In TAMPA, of all places!

Maddox: I believe it! I get, oh, SO many good celebrity stories from those guys. And I don't give a shit about celebrities, but they *always* have a good story about someone who...took things too far, uh, they had to make a midnight run to pick up some prescription drugs, or somethin'!

Dick: Oo.

Maddox: A drop-off, or someplace in Compton -- like, some interesting stories.

Dick: What was one? Do you remember?

Maddox: Someone told me about...Chuck Palahniuk. They picked him up, and he had a big bag of prosthetics with him...uh, I don't remember -

Dick: (interjects) Prosthetic, like, LIMBS?

Maddox: Yeah, prosthetic limbs. Because I guess he goes to -- at his book signings he throws out prosthetic limbs into the audience, or something?

Dick: Yeah, that sounds like something he'd do.

Maddox: Yeah, and people faint during his readings. And if you see him -- have you ever seen him?

Dick: No!

Maddox: He's the author of Fight Club. He's...he just looks like a really normal dude.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like, if I saw that guy in a Whole Foods, I would think, "Oh, yeah! Okay." I could see that. Probably buyin' some alfalfa or somethin'.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah. Pretty normal-lookin' dude. Anyway, dude, okay.

Dick: I had, uh, I had one of those social marketing people last week, and I was telling him about the podcast. And they're like, "Well, what's the secret? How do you do you get so many downloads? Like, how do you start something like that?" I was like, "Oh, it's easy. You just glom onto someone who's way more famous than you." (everyone starts laughing)

Maddox: That's pretty funny. (smiling)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah. Uh...good secret! (laughs more) Can I move on to my, uh, my last problem here?

Dick: Yeah, you can move on to your problem. (amused)

Maddox: Alright. I got another real problem this week: meetings! (Dick chuckles)

Sean: Oooo. (from the background)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay? Meetings are the bane of EVERY professional's existence. First of all, nothing ever gets accomplished in them. That is the number one problem with meetings. NOTHING ever gets accomplished. I used to work for a telemarketing company.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And I had this manager who everybody loved. Super nice guy! But he would have these spiritual team meetings *every* day.

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: For an HOUR. Pissed away an hour. I'm reading some stats for ya. This is from The Guardian [ ]: "One weekly executive meeting ate up a dizzying 300,000 hours a year." At a large company, they did a study. "Which is impressive, given that each of us only has about 8,700 hours a year to begin with. Including sleep." 300,000 hours pissed away in meetings! "The weekly meetings took up..." -- so they were looking into exactly where these hours were being chewed up -- "The weekly meetings took up about 7,000 person-hours for the executives involved. But they also had to meet with unit heads [...]; those unit heads had to prepare for those meetings with team meetings, another 63,000 hours, and those team meetings generated numerous preparatory meetings." And then THAT total doesn't even include the work or time it took to prepare for the initial meeting -

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: - in the first place. (annoyed)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So, meeting after meeting, after meeting...

Dick: Meeting after meeting, yeah.

Maddox: ...nothing ever accomplished! So, here are the type of people you have in meetings, right? You got the Kiss-Ass. This is the guy who's just gonna suck the boss's dick; NEVER disagree, always support. I HATE that guy. (snarling) Then you have the Yes-Man. Right? This is different than the kiss-ass, because the Yes-Man...he's not necessarily going to blow sunshine up the boss's ass, but he's not going to say "no" to a bad idea.

Dick: He's gotta GROW an idea. That's the...that's important about being a yes-man.

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: You gotta understand what the boss is talking about, and then rephrase it and add on to it so it seems like it's even better than it was!

Maddox: Well, we know which one you are. (playfully) Um...

Dick: I'm ALL of these guys, jackass. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Then we got the Insecure Dickhead, who can't give a pass to any idea but his own.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Yeah! He's always shootin' down -- I had *so* many of those assholes at my old job. Aw man, I forgot this guy's name, but it was a real shitty someone from Friends. Like, Chandler, or somethin' like that. But he brought in this...he was such a snake, he was such a weasel. He would come in and pretend like he was everyone's friend. Then one day he left this document out on his desk, and my buddy was a snoop, so he went over and took a look at it and goes, "Hey, hey Maddox, check out what I found on this dude's desk!" And I look at it, and it's this...end-run that he's proposing that would cut, like, everyone's job, and then only support the technology that HE knows and he understands, because he's insecure about himself and he doesn't wanna learn our technology that we were using in the workforce!

Dick: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: And what he was proposing was SUPER shitty. Like, we were using this, uh, we were a C/C++ and 4GL shop, with MySQL backend and, uh, alot of different SQL stuff. He was -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, my GOD. It's alphabet soup!

Maddox: He was... (cracks up) He was proposing goin' to Visual Basic. (smiling) And I know only programmers out there will understand the significance of that, but it's kind of like, um, going from...professional tools, like Black & Decker, to Fisher-Price. (Dick smirks) Uh, yeah. That's a good analogy, right?

Dick: I'm not a programmer, and *I* understand that, because it was once explained to me as being the, uh, the Sesame Street of coding.

Maddox: It is! It is. It's one step above dragging and dropping icons. Actually, it might be exactly dragging and dropping icons. Then, you have the action item list, every meeting has an action item list.

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: And I hate that -- those two words combined make my skin crawl: "action item." (scornful)

Dick: Ya skipped a very important part of the meeting, though, if you're already at action items.

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: You skipped the 15 minutes of horseshit foreplay.

Maddox: Oh, I'm getting there! It's -- I actually wrote that down on my list! (laughing)

Dick: OH, oh. Your meeting's out of order, then.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: You gotta START with 15 minutes of jokes and bullshit.

Maddox: Uh-huh. That was actually...that was actually next on my list: the pleasantries.

Dick: Yeah. Ohh, god. (exasperated)

Maddox: Yep. "Oh, how's the weather? How's the traffic? Oh, what are you guys up to? What'd you do this weekend?" Okay, so 15 minutes just PISSED away with pleasantries. 'Cause you have to!

Dick: You know, you go back to the telemarketing company well, to talk about meetings, but we've been in entertainment -- SEVERAL entertainment meetings.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they all work exactly like this.

Maddox: Exactly!

Dick: ESPECIALLY the pleasantries part.

Maddox: Yeah! The pleasantries, it always pissed -- I used to be with a pretty high-powered agency.

Dick: Mmhm.

Maddox: And they would send me to so many meetings every week, and every single one was a half-hour meeting.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I would tell them, "Guys, first of all, a half hour's not enough to accomplish anything." Because I broke down the meeting, minute by minute. I said, "The first 10 minutes are gonna be bullshit - we're gonna be talkin' about the traffic!" Then we're gonna talk about 5-10 minutes about their introduction, about who they are. Then I give them MY introduction about who I am, because invariably these were blind meetings; they didn't know who the fuck *I* was. So...are you doin' the math, here? We're at about 25 minutes into our 30-minute meeting.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That leaves us 5 minutes to discuss any ideas or potential opportunities to work together.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I said, "Thanks, but no thanks; no more meetings. I'm done meeting, I'm DONE with meetings."

Dick: No, that's where you fucked up. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah. (amused)

Dick: But that's a -- it's a multiple meeting process! You know? It's a courtship.

Maddox: No, but you -

Dick: (interjects) They gotta learn...those little, those parts are the meeting. They're the purpose of the meeting. It's not meant to accomplish anything! It's establishing a relationship.

Maddox: Oh, well if it's not meant to accomplish ANYTHING, then guess what? Mission accomplished.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: 'Cause they're NOT.

Dick: Well...yeah.

Maddox: And then they're -

Dick: (interjects) You gotta take another one, though, to keep goin'.

Maddox: Yeah, but they're not gonna take another meeting with you if you don't hook 'em during that first one! And you don't get an opportunity to hook 'em, 'cause you don't have TIME to pitch them your fuckin' idea, 'cause you're pitching them YOURSELF!

Dick: Well, what's the difference?

Maddox: The difference is huge! You...if I came in -

Dick: (interjects) Between yourself and your idea -

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: - what's the difference?

Sean: What if they just *like* you?

Maddox: Well, that's, that's the -

Sean: (interjects) And they wanna have another meeting? What happens?

Dick: Well... (cracking a grin)

Maddox: That's the goal!

Dick: What alternate reality is this, where he walks in and they just like him?

Maddox: Shut up, Dick. (Dick bursts out laughing) That is the goal, Sean, but here's the thing: if I come into a meeting and nobody knows who I am...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...and they're interested in me professionally, I have to give them the Wikipedia pitch, which is like, "I wrote this book, and I wrote this other book, and I have this website, and this is who I am, this is why you'd wanna work with me." Especially Hollywood types.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause they care A LOT about that kinda shit. You have to make yourself sound big and important!

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: Otherwise, they're not gonna return your phone calls! And yeah, Sean - I mean, ideally, you would have another 5-10 minutes to make your personality apparent, because on Wikipedia anyone can read those bullet points about me and not know anything about my personality.

Dick: Right. So in your mind, how would the perfect meeting go? Or are you gonna get to that? I don't wanna derail your...

Maddox: No, the perfect meeting would be me just sitting at home, getting work done. (Dick and Sean laugh) I remember one time I was in a meeting at the, uh...a programmer meeting. It was programming and sales. And someone suckered me into this meeting and I was there for about 40-45 minutes, and this girl got up to excuse herself, to go to the restroom. And, uh, she got up and I was just sittin' there doodling, and I looked around at everyone, sitting there staring at their laptops, not doing anything productive. And I knew I had a deadline, and I coulda been working instead of this meeting! So I just stood up and I said, "Um...yeah. I, *too,* would like to go to the bathroom." (grins) And then everyone just like looked at me and KNEW I wasn't coming back, and I didn't! I was like, "Fuck it, I don't give a shit. Fire me. I'm DONE. I'm done with these meetings, they're MIND-NUMBING." And they all have an arbitrary one-hour time frame...most professional meetings.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'm not talkin' about these blind meetings that the agencies would send me to.

Dick: Well, they're still professional meetings!

Maddox: Yeah, they're professional meetings. So, there's actually a name for this. 'Kay?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: These, uh, meetings that don't ever accomplish anything? First of all, they found that in meetings, the overly confident dipshits got their voices heard loudest, NOT the most competent people in meetings! Kruger-Dunning effect.

Dick: Yeah...okay.

Maddox: Or, excuse me, the Dunning-Kruger effect. Yeah! And so, they -

Dick: (interjects) That shouldn't be a surprise.

Maddox: Yeah, well, they -

Dick: (interjects) Loud jerkoffs get heard more than people who are formulating their opinions. (smiling)

Maddox: Of course! And they're, uh, they don't wanna speak up because the loud dickheads who SEEM confident, they don't wanna go -- they don't wanna contrast them!

Dick: No.

Maddox: Especially in a meeting, and risk sounding dumb, because, "Oh man, he's so confident! He MUST be right!" So, they have a name for this; it's called the Bike Shed effect. "People won't speak up about..." -- and this is from The Guardian -- "People won't speak up about the big, complex, important decisions, because they're scared of embarrassing themselves. But they still want to feel and appear as if they're making a contribution, so they'll make sure to weigh in on the unimportant stuff instead. The result: triviality gradually comes to dominate. A decision about the construction of a new bike shed, for example, will be debated for an hour and a quarter, then deferred for decision until the next meeting, pending the gathering of more information."

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Does this not sound like Congress?

Maddox: Yeah! It does sound like Congress. A big buncha -- yeah, THERE you go, Sean!! THANK you! Bravo. That's exactly what Congress is: just one long series of meetings that never accomplish anything.

Dick: If only -- if they could accomplish LESS, I would be happier. (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: I don't know if it's possible for them to, Dick!

Dick: No, they could just not do anything. If those guys just went to the Capitol and just sat there all day? That would be perfect.

Maddox: Dick, what do you think they're doing that's accomplishing so much?

Dick: They're PASSIN' LAWS!! (growling and yelling) They're trying to do stuff! They're TALKIN'!

Maddox: Ohh, they're not.

Dick: Anything that they DO! (gritting his teeth)

Maddox: There was a study, I think, a couple years ago, or maybe it was even last year, that found that Congress passed the fewest number of laws in YEARS. They're not doing anything, dude. And that's exactly the problem; they need to get some shit done. And they need to compromise -

Dick: (interjects) Ohohoho, no!!

Maddox: And you know what? Yeah, okay.

Dick: No, no, no. NO! They need to not do ANYTHING!

Maddox: Yeah, okay, Anarchy Dick. You know know why they're getting fewer laws passed?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: 'Cause of fuckin' Governor [Grover] Norquist! That DIPSHIT who made everyone agree to this draconian "no tax" policy. Which has caused them to not NOT raise taxes, but instead to find clever loopholes and call it something else.

Dick: Other than a tax?

Maddox: Other than a tax.

Dick: So, it was a pointless thing. Who gives a shit then?

Maddox: Well, it's wasting time. I give a shit. (Dick laughs) I'm a very efficient dude, dude!

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think meetings are as big of a problem as not getting tits on your Snapchat.

Maddox: Okay. (cracking up quietly) Ohh, boy. (sound clip of Dick saying, "Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am."), wait...

Dick: Yeah. You don't like meetings, you like efficiency -

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick saying, "You know what? Maybe I AM a fuckin' idiot.") (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, that's the one you want. (surly)

Maddox: That's the one! (laughs more)

Dick: You like a lot of efficiency in your life.

Maddox: Yeah, Dick! That's why I turn off -- okay, in Windows XP -

Dick: (interjects) People just don't work like that!

Maddox: Oh, I know, Dick! And you know, I was just like, stewing on the flight home today.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: I was -- your stupid fucking voice was echoing in my head (Sean laughs in the background) with your STUPID argument about the Apples - you're like, "Maddox, here's what YOU don't get about Apples, is that people who buy Apple products care about their time!" (idiotic voice)

Dick: Yeah! It's true!

Maddox: Dick, first of all, if you don't research what you're buying, how do you know it's the best??

Dick: What the fuck are you talkin' about, "if you don't research"? You rely on other people to do the research FOR you!

Maddox: Oho. (chuckling)

Dick: They're called "experts."

Maddox: Ohh, really?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Would you call them Geniuses in the Genius Bar? (teasing) Is that who they are?

Dick: No! They call them...

Maddox: WHAT experts?!

Dick: This works in every field!

Maddox: You still have to talk to them and read their opinions somewhere! That's called research!

Dick: Oh, THAT'S what you mean by "research," reading opinions?

Maddox: Yeah, that's... (cracks up) That's research, Dick.

Dick: I mean, I don't think that's RESEARCH.

Maddox: Of course it's research!

Dick: You're not -- you don't need to know every feature of every thing, to make a decision on it.

Maddox: Mmm, no. You just need to know that it's the best, and you can go to Newegg and buy each component that has the highest rating, and know that you're getting quality stuff.

Dick: No. That's a...that's a huge waste of time.

Maddox: It's not.

Dick: For somebody who doesn't like meetings, it's a huge waste of time.

Maddox: Not, uh -- oh yeah, and you know what else is a huge waste of time? Spending double or triple for hardware, 'cause you have to WORK hard to earn that money!

Dick: Alright. Your...your PC fixation, (Maddox laughs loudly) your FETISHIZATION of constructing these gadgets that you worship, has nothing to do with the meeting problem.

Maddox: Okay. Meetings -

Dick: (interjects) You love efficiency, so I think this especially sticks in your craw because it *seems* like a waste of time, but I don't think it's THAT big of a waste of time.

Maddox: Dick, what the FUCK are you talkin' about? How is it NOT a waste of time?

Dick: These people have to -- you have to get people on the same page. Yeah, a lot of meetings are a huge waste of time, but they're necessary. It's a necessary evil to get anybody doing anything.

Maddox: Shoot off an email! Here you go, idiots!

Dick: Yeah, that's not...that's not the same. You can't share as much information over an email as you can in a meeting.

Maddox: You know, Dick, I've had to, I worked for a telemarketing company for almost a decade - nine and a half years.

Dick: Mmhm.

Maddox: Um, and in that time I called for EXACTLY one meeting, and I sent in the email -- the subject line, I believe, even said, "20-minute meeting." And I stuck to it! I came in and I said, "Sorry, guys, no pleasantries. We have 20 minutes." I handed everyone out a flyer with bullet points of everything I wanted to cover (Dick laughs) and I went right through it, and everybody was so on point because they knew I wasn't fuckin' around!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Everybody took notes, they wrote down exactly what I wanted them to get, and then on the 20-minute mark -- I even had a timer on the counter -- on the 20-minute mark, we all marched right outta that office and went RIGHT to work.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No bullshit! I came in there, I explained my document, I explained my process, and I explained what needed to be done and how to use the software that I developed. THAT'S IT. That was the point of my meeting! Not what you did this weekend, not traffic, and not the weather. I just got in and got the fuck out. And you know what? I had to do other time, I had to coordinate something with eight different people -- it was for The Alphabet of Manliness, when I got all the illustrators for my book. So I had to get everyone on the same page, right? 'Cause that's your point, that everyone has to be on the same page.

Dick: Yeah! Yep.

Maddox: How did I do that? I created a program that allowed everyone to upload their artwork so that everyone can see what everyone else is drawing, and then communicate via chat message at your convenience to see what everyone else is doing. Not a fucking meeting that's gonna suck EIGHT people's time in and waste an hour of eight people's lives! Eight hours, dude!

Dick: Yeah! It's a problem.

Maddox: 300,000 hours a year, wasted at this company. That's kinda -

Dick: (interjects) Just that company?

Maddox: Yeah. That's someone's life right there. Multiple people's lives, probably.

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: A baby who got the flu. (wryly)

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) Alright, you wanna wrap it up? You have anything more about meetings?

Maddox: Yeah - they're a waste of time, stop calling them, Dunning-Kruger effect...and the Bike Shed effect. I'll be linking to these studies. Uh, this is really interesting: they even have a study for the overly confident loudmouth dipshits on this website called ScienceDirect that -- it's a white paper someone actually found. []

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they found that, uh, that people overcompensate when they're really confident. OH, yeah, and I just wanna end on this note about meetings - so you wanna know how I know that meetings aren't productive? Because nobody is paying you to talk. That's not your job. Your job is not to sit down in a meeting and chat. If it was, then meetings would be productive, and they're never productive 'cause...that's not your job requirement. You're not communicating ideas, you're not communicating everything. And the worst kind of meeting, I would say, is the conference room speakerphone meeting. Isn't that the WORST?

Dick: You shoulda done conference calls. They're WAY worse than meetings. They're...they don't work at all.

Maddox: I have it on my list! And every time I'm on a conference call I imagine everyone back there, like, putting me on mute while I'm talking, and then just jerking off. Like, just standing with their pants, just REALLY hairy dicks right into the speaker.

Dick: Yeah! That's what I'm doin'. Either that or playing guitar.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Whenever I'm on a conference call.

Maddox: Yeah...gross.

Dick: So, meetings?

Maddox: Meetings.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Meetings and Ebola Alarmists are my problems.

Dick: I mean, I -- yeah, I don't think that's as big of a problem with this one as it is with SARS. You know what I'm saying? Does that make sense? So you think there's no credibility to Ebola being a danger at all.

Maddox: It's a dangerous virus, but it's really unlikely to be communicable to the majority of the population.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's just really unlikely. You're not gonna get Ebola. In fact, on my flight to Omaha -- it's kinda funny, the entire time I was flying to Dallas, and from Dallas to Omaha...the whitest people, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No one's goin' to Omaha, except (cracks up) I sat in this back row with just a ton of like, straight-up-from-Africa Nigerians and Kenyans and Liberians, or whatever. I'm like, "Of course! Of course it would be me, and put in the back." Uh, but you know, whatever. I didn't give a shit, I'm fine. I'm not bleeding from my eyelids.

Dick: Yeah, I think, I don't know if I would go through Dallas.

Maddox: Yeah, why?

Dick: I wouldn't feel comfortable with it.

Maddox: Oh, yeah?

Dick: I would probably do it, but I wouldn't want to be there.

Maddox: So, uh, let's do the math here -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you know, the people who are exposed to Ebola hop on a cruise, they hop on planes -

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: - they're just, they're irresponsible!

Maddox: They're not irres-- they're just livin' their lives, man.

Dick: That's the PROBLEM.

Maddox: Yeah...but they don't know that they have Ebola, necessarily, 'cause the symptoms of Ebola are kinda flu-like when you first get them.

Dick: But they were just around it! Like, shouldn't they pause for a moment?

Maddox: No!

Dick: No?

Maddox: No, because it's really unlikely and overblown that you'll get it. Even in Liberia, they have, what, 8,000 cases of it? Somethin' like that?

Dick: Somethin' like that.

Maddox: It's a drop in the bucket, it's less than one half of 1 percent of the population. Are you kidding me? That's nothin'!

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: I'd go to Liberia.

Dick: We'll see.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: We'll see what people think about it. I have, uh, Snapchats of Not Tits and Chatty Ubers...Chatty Uber Drivers. Yeah, the Snapchat one is different than Tinder, too. Tinder, by the way, screwed me again.

Maddox: How's that?

Dick: You remember last time I told you about Tinder, Tinder had me banging this girl who lived in Santa Monica, which is like a half-hour drive away.

Maddox: Oh, no. (mocking)

Dick: So that was a -

Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.") (smirks)

Dick: Yeah, that was a pain in the ass. This time -- you're gonna love this story -- I matched a *pornstar* on Tinder. Alright?

Maddox: Cool -- wait...

Dick: One that you know.

Maddox: OH, I KNOW her! Oh my gosh, wow!

Dick: Yeah yeah yeah, okay, shut up. (Maddox laughs) So...I matched her, and I didn't message her, I just got lazy. And I hate Tinder, like I hate doing that shit, so I was just like, "Ehh, yeah, whatever," and it kinda slipped my mind. So I was doing a show last night, over at UCB, and she was on the panel of the show.

Maddox: Oh, that one. Okay.

Dick: Yeah. So she called me out in front of everybody -

Maddox: Ohhhh!

Dick: - for not messaging her on Tinder!

Maddox: Wow, that's hilarious!

Dick: It was funny.

Maddox: You're not gonna...go out with her, are you?

Dick: I don't know, maybe. (quietly)

Maddox: No...

Dick: I probably should.

Maddox: Hmm, nah.

Dick: No?

Maddox: Check out her videos, dude, no.

Dick: No? Alright.

Maddox: No. I mean, YES, for the story, but no. Don't.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Um...

Dick: So, yes. (smiling)

Maddox: Interesting, interesting. Okay. Uh, well, those are your problems, uh, we'd like to say thanks again to Warby Parker for sponsoring this episode.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Also, thanks to Dick for the plug for my store. I'm gonna link to it on the 'Who' part of the webpage. Um...

Dick: Cool!

Maddox: Yeah! So you guys can check it out, and I'll have that glow-in-the-dark shirt up, which should be pretty cool.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I like glow-in-the-dark shit.

Dick: Uh, let's go out on something different; we usually go out with the theme song. Somebody remixed our...our conversations, our arguments that we've been having so far. It's called, "Maddox, Dick Masterson, Please Stop The Fighting"?

Maddox: "...Stop The Fighting."

Dick: By...Wauterboi?

Maddox: It's Wauterboi, yeah. W-A-U-T-E-R-B-O-I, on SoundCloud. [ ] This is pretty funny.

Dick: Yeah. So we're gonna go out on that. Uh...enjoy! Go to the website. [plays remix]

[transcription will recreate remix in the form of an angrily incoherent conversation, as it sounds]

(sad piano chords begin in background)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is -- okay, I don't, I don't get this about you people.

Maddox: M'kay. So what, are you talkin'...are you -

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Everyone on this planet -

Dick: But *why* does it matter -- why is it important to you?

Maddox: Uh, is that a serious question?!

Dick: YES!

Maddox: Listen to the sentence you just said!

Dick: Uh, yeah, but I think -

Maddox: No, no, not -- no one gives a shit!! Yeah, why don't you hang out with your dumbass monkeys?

Dick: Pretend that I'm a stupid idiot.

(Dick and Maddox laugh loudly over remix)

Maddox: Yeah, I'm trying to explain!

Dick: WHY are we -

Maddox: No, I'm just saying -- yeah, whatever.

Dick: All these stats, I know. I can tell. (amused) (laughs)

Maddox: Who cares. (irritated) It doesn't matter. I know what, I -- no!! I'm not suggesting we wipe them out!

Dick: No! Because people who think, 'cause people -- there are people who...

Maddox: EVERY single Apple -

(Dick and Maddox burst out laughing)

(sad violin melody joins piano in background)

Dick: Who's "our"?

Maddox: I don't know. I don't -

Dick: Yeah, of course! Marketing?! So in your mind -

Maddox: Yeah, the MILLION DOLLAR -- you fucker.

Dick: I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and let you, uh...

Maddox: You sucker.

Dick: Go - what, Sean?

Sean: I was just gonna say, it's, it's, it's, it's...

(Dick, Maddox, and Sean all laugh)

Dick: Yeah, YOU got in there! [to Sean] (cackles)

Dick: Did -- can you? Wait a minute! Can YOU? Well that'd, that'd...

Maddox: Yeah, well... (annoyed) What were you gonna -

Dick: It's not -

Maddox: It's such a labor-intensive process! It's a bullshit industry.

Dick: (spluttering) YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!! Eff you!

Maddox: Well, eat a dick. You know why? It's because -

Dick: OHHH, I am the winner!

Maddox: But also, if you're sitting at the bar -

Dick: I don't wanna sit at the bar and jab DUDES!

Maddox: Dick, how is that at all rational? You're makin' an emotional decision.

Dick: What's RATIONAL about plugging a piece of your anatomy into a dude's...yeeeeeah! (raunchily)

(Maddox and Dick explode laughing)

Dick: Is that a gay joke?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did he do this on purpose?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Maddox: No, you're not explaining... (laughs) And every time I talk -- I asked one of my friends, I asked don't need to get married to do that! Or, it's a property thing.

Dick: You're saying poor people didn't do this?

(Dick and Maddox giggle hysterically)

Maddox: The...they're, uh...they're, they're -

(sad cello harmony joins piano & violin in background)

Dick: Dude, that's -- no! I don't, I -

Maddox: No, that's my point! It's so much more soul-crushing.

Dick: Germany! ...It was a JOKE. We stomped all over everyone.

(Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Right. Yeah, but that's our *industry.* I mean, I GUESS, sure, but who cares, really? At the end of the day, who cares?

Dick: First of all, you're not drinking all the diet soda.

Maddox: Noo, gross.

Dick: Are you -

Maddox: 'Cause I will NOT check. (Dick laughs) That's a...that's a trick! 'Cause you're just gonna flash your dick at me.

Dick: Yeah. (amused) No I do, I DO do it to chicks, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, why? That's terr-- that's...

Dick: I'm agreeing with you!

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: They get all, "Hllllllgh!"

Maddox: No!

Dick: They get all tied up! (turned on)

Maddox: That's, uh...

Dick: You know that chick was thinking about, like, balls. Like guys' balls, when she was doing that.

Maddox: Oh yeah, that's what...that's what I got between my legs.

(Maddox smirks)

[sad music from remix plays out remaining 15 seconds of show]

(long pause)

Dick: [over music] Thanks for listening.