Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 21
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audio book download.
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy, buddy! How's it going?
Maddox: And as always, Sean, our audio engineer, and with us today, we have a very special guest…Asterios Kokkinos!
Asterios: Wooo! Hey, what's up, guys? Thanks for having me on!
Maddox: Welcome. Welcome to the show.
Dick: Thank you, man.
Maddox: So, Asterios is a comedian and a writer and performer. We've known him through the improve community in Los Angeles, and he is one of the guys behind Devastator Press, which is the only publisher in America devoted strictly to humor, right?
Asterios: Yeah, that's right.
Maddox: And he just released his mini-comic, Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man, which we'll link to on the website.
Asterios: Yeah, yeah. Thanks so much. It's just a little mini-comic I wrote about all of the people that Mega Man faces in his twenties, like uh…Nonchalant Cocaine Use Man…and, Name Drops His Celebrity Friend Man…Gives You Unsolicited Financial Advice Man…
Maddox: Oh, man. Those…
Asterios: (interjects) Just ALL the villains you run into.
Dick: And has $30,000 in the bank.
Asterios: Yeah. Exactly.
Dick: While he's telling you about stock investing.
Dick: Like, did you just learn about stock investing or something, Twenty-Something Guy? (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Well, welcome to the show. Thanks for being here.
Asterios: Thanks for having me!
Maddox: So, uh…we got some comments. Dick, you wanna…
Dick: (interjects) Can I ask you a question real quick?
Maddox: Yeah, what's your question?
Dick: For Asterios? Your…I don't know if they're tweets or if they're just Facebook statuses, but they are my favorite part of every day. (Asterios laughs) I think I "like" every single one of them. They're like Pokemon to me. I try to "like" every single one of your…can people see those on Twitter, or is that a Facebook private thing only that you're doing?
Asterios: Uh…yeah. You can go to http://www.twitter.com/asterios. Um, try to spell it. Good luck! And uh…
Dick: You might as well just ask someone you know who's Greek.
Maddox: They'll help you out.
Asterios: Any Greek guy.
Maddox: It's spelled like it sounds, guys. Come on. Get your phonetics together. But we'll link to it on the website.
Asterios: Thank you.
Dick: And you're one of the funniest guys on the Internet. I absolutely…
Maddox: (interjects) Absolutely…this is no bullshit. I'm not just blowing sunshine up his ass. He is consistently funny. Um, I just want to mention real quick, the problems last week. Guess who won?
Dick: Oh, lemme guess….between….
Maddox: (interjects) iPhone 6!!!!!!!
Maddox: Yeah. iPhone 6, baby. That's right. It's a big problem. As voted by consensus.
Dick: Man, fuck you. (Everyone laughs)
Asterios: Great retort, Dick.
Asterios: Great comeback.
Dick: Big fuckin' surprise. Everybody…everybody in the Android cult was JERKING OFF at the possibility of the iPhone 6 failing. And they all loved it!
Maddox: Yeah. The possibility. Because it's never failed before! Remember Antennagate and that stupid bullshit when the last iPhone came out, where, uh, people's connections were dropping because the case was poorly engineered…(disgusted)
Asterios: Hey. That antenna thing wouldn't happen if you only held the iPhone with two fingers!! In the exact right place, okay?! (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: You know, all of these problems, I've never encountered. Why is that? I never encountered the antenna thing.
Maddox: Dick, that's because you hardly are able to use your phone. It's never charged. (Asterios laughing) You use your phone about 20 minutes a day.
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: I'm just gonna accept that the iPhone is a big problem and that's the last we'll ever talk about it, alright?
Dick: That's it.
Asterios: Wow. That's very magnanimous of you.
Maddox: That sounds ominous and loaded.
Dick: You won! No, that's it. That's it.
Maddox: Oookay. (skeptical)
Dick: That's it.
Asterios: I don't detect any foreshadowing. I think we're fine.
Maddox: Nope. (laughing) Alright. Let's go on.
Dick: You got any comments? (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. I got a comment. This one's from Michael Ruffin, and he says, "I'm glad iPhones bend. Maybe now the fanbase can get bent too."
Dick: Geez. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: Thank you, Michael, I agree. The fanbase should get bent. What do you got?
Dick: Oh, for comments? Um. Wait a sec, I'm not prepared. You got any more?
Maddox: Yeah. I got one from Brandon Laza. He says, "Can't replace your battery on an iPhone? Maddox seriously missed the thousands of third party unauthorized Asian stores everywhere that can fix screens and replace batteries dirt cheap." Hey, Brandon, the whole point of being able to replace your own battery is being able to replace YOUR OWN BATTERY. If you have to go to a store, it defeats the purpose! That's my problem with shitty iPhones! I don't want to go to a store with my tail between my legs to replace a fucking battery! I can do that on my remote…can you imagine if remote controls did that?! Or if you had to take your fucking fire alarm…fire detector to…
Asterios: To the guy at the fire house?
Asterios: Hey, check it out. This is an Android phone. I'm gonna open it right now on the air and, uh…
Dick: Oh great, we got two of you.
Asterios: And I am going to replace my battery.
Dick: It looks very awkward, by the way. If I can just say. (Asterios cracks up) It's not as easy as you're making it sound.
Maddox: Mine's popped open. Look at this. We've both got our batteries out.
Asterios: (yelling) Oh, look! I'm holding my battery!
Asterios: You wanna trade batteries for fun?!?!
Maddox: Hey, we can even swap batteries!!!
Asterios: Oh, yeah!!!!
Dick: (interjects) We got two dummies…
Asterios: 'Cause, I only got 14%, so do you have a full battery?
Maddox: You know, that actually happened to me one time. My buddy was in the car and his battery died on his phone and we had the exact same phone model. He needed to make an emergency phone call to his wife. So, I popped out my battery, put it in his. He had a full charge. There you go!
Asterios: Wow. So you're saying that Android's battery swap feature saved your friend's wife's life!
Asterios: That's pretty good.
Dick: Who fuckin' cares?! (Maddox and Asterios crack up) Nobody cares! Nobody cares about swapping batteries! Nobody cares about this stupid Android horsecockery that you were going on ALL WEEK ABOUT!!
(Sound effect: Audience booing)
Asterios: The people have spoken. (Maddox laughing)
Dick: I got another one, too. Uh, Sean Arthur O'Neill. "iPhones obviously are more intuitive out of the box with no customization." (snort in the background) "Dick only likes it better because he's a lazy shit." Yeah! That's why I like everything better! Because I don't want to fiddle around battery swapping with my friends when my iPhone gets low!
Maddox: Dick, you know what one of the worst inventions ever made was? Is…don't answer, 'cause it's a rhetorical question. (Dick laughs) Is the mouse. The computer mouse. I hate it. Because it has made everything slower. Everything mouse-driven for a user interface is slower than keyboard!
Dick: So you like the Kinect then? Is that what you want people doing, goofy interpretive dancing to control their fucking computer? (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: No. No.
Dick: You think that's better?
Maddox: No. I like buttons. I love to press buttons. They work! They're tactile response. You know…in an ideal world…
Dick: (interjects) I love this. I love this. Because you are PROVING my point.
Dick: That you hate the mouse.
Maddox: The mouse is awful.
Dick: That's the extension of hating iPhones.
Maddox: So are touch screens!! Touch screens are not functional! They're just garbage. They slow everything down. You gotta tap and pray. You can't feel anything. (stammers) If Steve Jobs had invented the keyboard, it would be one, big, flat, tablet, that would look super minimal, but you can't touch anything, you gotta stare down and hunt and peck like a moron in third grade.
Asterios: Yeah, but Steve Jobs is also the guy that insisted that mice not have two buttons.
Asterios: Which is…which is the stupidest thing ever, because, like, if I want to right click, I gotta hold down Command and click, and it's just like…
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: How about you just give me a second button like a normal person?
Maddox: Yeah. Can you imagine that shit? Like…he is obsessed with minimalism to the detriment of functionality.
Asterios: Yes. That is…100% correct.
Dick: God, you get off so hard hating on iPhones, and Macs, and Apple in general.
Asterios: To be fair, those things are popular and it is fun to take shots at popular things.
Dick: Yeah! That's all it is.
Maddox: It's a shitty brand!!
Dick: (interjects) That's all it is. It's got nothing to do with the BATTERIES. Or the STORAGE. Or the removable storage.
Maddox: (interjects) Dick, I swear…
Dick: (interjects) Or the fact that they have proprietary CHARGING PLUGS.
Maddox: Okay. I'm gonna blow your fucking mind right now. Okay? I hate Windows. Windows sucks dick! But I use it because it gets my job done quickest. I use whatever it takes to get my job done quickest. If it was Mac, if it was Apple, if there was any possible way I could get my job done quicker or more efficiently, I would switch in a heartbeat, but that's not the platform, buddy.
Dick: And that's an iPhone.
Dick: (interjects) Getting it done as quickly as possible is an iPhone.
Maddox: No, it's not. Everything takes more taps…
Dick: (interjects) And a Mac!
Maddox: No. 'Cause they don't have enough buttons on the iPhone. Most Android devices still have a few buttons on the front, because it's convenient. It's a quick shortcut home. Instead of one button, you gotta tap and pray, and long press, and then swipe left, swipe diagonal, pinch, all this bullshit!
Asterios: Now, I want to agree with you that Android makes it a lot easier to access the really important functions of the phone.
Dick: Like calling?
Asterios: Welll…(stammers) Oh, wait, you like calling. (looks at Maddox) You hate it.
Maddox: Yeah. I hate it.
Asterios: So actually, you're right about that.
Asterios: But uhh…but, you used to, before iOS updated, in order to turn on or off Wi-Fi, you had to click, like 18 times on an iPhone.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: You had to go to, like, System thing. And then Network thing. And then this thing. And then that thing. Whereas, with an Android, I just click the button on the front of my phone that says Wi-Fi, and then Wi-Fi's on, Wi-Fi's off.
Dick: Here's the problem! (yelling) This is…can I just bring up my problems? 'Cause we're already well into the arguing…(Asterios and Maddox crack up laughing)
Maddox: Well, we gotta come back to the voicemail, but yeah, what's your problem?
Dick: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll come back to the voicemail. Guess what? They all have to fucking do with this anyway. (Maddox chuckles) It's SUCH a big problem that's gonna span this episode!!! (yelling) My problem, and I'm not gonna phrase it like you want me to phrase it! Is "Nut Hugging Android Fanboy Cheerleaders Like You…" (Asterios and Maddox crack up) "Who Would Rather Jerk Each Other Off With Statistics and Features in a Fucking Basement Building their PCs than TALK TO A PERSON ON THE PHONE!!!" Like a human!!!
Sean: There's no way that's gonna fit on the website.
Dick: Fuck you!! FUCK YOU!!!
Maddox: No, that's not gonna…
Asterios: (interjects) That's a lot of characters!
Dick: You're all last week. Your three-card monte horseshit with Android features… (Maddox still laughing)…were ALL FALSE!! This is another asterisk episode!
Asterios: Wait a minute. Are you saying that iPhones DO have a high pixel density?!
Dick: No. They do. Don't they?
Dick: That wasn't one of your points, though.
Dick: (interjects) No no no.
Asterios: I dunno…
Maddox: (interjects) And that's…
Asterios: (interjects) He used the phrase pixel density and I thought that was funny.
Maddox: It's pixel density and somebody pointed it out, they were like (silly tone) "Hey Maddox, the iPhone's retina display has a high DPI." I'm like, yeah, DPI is different from PPI. This is for the sensor. The touch sensor.
Dick: WHO GIVES A FUCK!?!? See, you start with these…with all these numbers and features, and people like me, who just want to use their phone to surf the web and call people's brains start melting, and I'm just like ahhhhhhhhhh….I hear that noise when you get shot in Call of Duty, that, like "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" (makes a high-pitched ringing sound) (Maddox and Asterios cracks up) and like "I gotta get outta here! I gotta get outta here!!" Or I'm gonna KILL you!!! Why do so many people use iPhones if they're such shit?! (Yelling)
Maddox: Dick -
Dick: (interjects) Why don't they use Androids?!
Maddox: Because they're marketing sheep! They just see the…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, BULLSHIT!
Maddox: Why do so many people wear Nikes if there are better shoes available? Because they MARKET the shit out of it!! (yells) It's Coca-Cola! You've got the MacDonald's of cell phones, buddy!
Dick: Then why doesn't Google just buy better ads? They have more money!
Maddox: Google has enough ads. They have enough market share. More people use Android than iPhone.
Dick: Not the right people! Because Android…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, not the cool people!
Dick: No no no, because Android users spend double the amount of money on…oh, I got a shitload of stats for you (Asterios and Maddox crack up)…
Maddox: (interjects) Ohhhhhhhhhh. (taunting)
Dick: …this week, you motherfuckers!
Maddox: Says the guy, just a minute ago, who was like "Oh you gotta bring in all these numbers and stats and…" It's called evidence, Dick! If you brought some in sometimes, maybe your problems would win!!!
Dick: I got orders of magnitude stats for you!
Maddox: Ohhhh!! (laughing)
Dick: iPhone users spend double the amount on apps as Android users.
Maddox: And that's a problem how exactly? It's better for developers. It's better for the entire environment!
Dick: For the iPhone users. iPhone users spend double the amount of money on apps as Android users.
Maddox: Yeah! iPhone users spend double and triple the amount of money on hardware, because that shit's overpriced! It's garbage! You're paying for the brand! You're paying for Nike.
Dick: You are paying for your time! I wanna explain something very simple to you about Macs versus PCs. That PC in the front room that you're so fucking proud of?
Dick: That took time to research and build. People who use iPhones' time is worth more than the expense of the computer.
Maddox: Oh, really, is that so?!
Dick: YEAH! 'Cause they wanna spend it with their friends and family!!
Maddox: Oh! Yeah! Says the person who uses….I just want to point this out to everyone! (yelling) He…so, Dick, when he sends me a screenshot of anything, he sends me this stupid fucking Screencast website, so it's not just an inline image of a screenshot?! I have to click on another link that opens up another process on my browser on my cell phone! I have to go to some other website, I have to do a DNS ping, I have to pull up the URL…
Dick: (interjects) Stacking on…see? Here it comes! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Asterios: Why do you have to do all these things?
Dick: You hear that fucking sound?!?!
Maddox: I'm not done! I'm not done!
Asterios: You HAVE to do a DNS ping?! You HAVE to?! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yeah! No, it does! That's what the server does. It has to make that connection over the Internet. I have to open up another browser.
Asterios: Right, what does that take, like a millionth of a second, and you're bringing it up like it's this huge problem?!
Maddox: A billionth here and a billionth there. (Asterios cracks up)
Asterios: (yelling) ALRIGHT! Then you're three billionths of a second behind!
Maddox: No! And it loads up ads! I have to use…there's tracking cookies on my computer because of this bullshit Dick uses. Whereas I, to save time, I just paste it inline like a normal fucking human.
Dick: Using MS Paint. (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: It doesn't matter! There's an…
Dick: (interjects) He forgot that part. He forgot that part.
Maddox: (yelling) What difference does it make what you use?! You can use any copy buffer!!!
Dick: Let me ask you. First of all, The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man.
Dick: Would a Nut-Hugging…what did I write here.,, Nut Hugging Android Fanboy Cheerleaders Who Would Rather Jerk Each Other Off With Statistics and Features in a Fucking Basement Building their PCs Than Talk to People in Real Life? (Maddox laughs) Would that be an enemy of Mega Man?
Asterios: Yeah. I absolutely…those guys are super annoying. Yes.
Asterios: Yeah. And I'm speaking as an Android guy, like…
Asterios: iPhone users don't think about their phones. Android users think about them constantly.
Maddox: No! That's not true.
Asterios: Like…Android users are like…
Dick: (interjects) They're the real fanboys!
Asterios: Yeah. Exactly. Android users are constantly flashing nightly OS…like, you know, updates, and they're rooting their phones, and this and that..
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Asterios: Here's what I'll say about the iPhone. And I am an Android guy. The iPhone just works.
Maddox: Oh, shut up!
Maddox: That's a marketing ploy…
Asterios: (interjects) Let me finish my point! Let me finish my point!
Asterios: Goddamnit! My mom wants to know what phone to buy. My wife wants to know what phone to buy. I tell them, "You go out and you buy an iPhone." And they go, "But you have an Android! Meeeeeeeeh!" and I'm like, "No! You go buy an iPhone because I don't want to have to fix your phone!" and the thing about an iPhone is it just works. It's not elegantly designed.
Asterios: It takes eight clicks to get to something that on an Android takes one click to get to. I'm a huge fan of widgets, you know?
Asterios: Androids have widgets. iPhones don't have widgets.
Dick: Fuck widgets!
Asterios: Fuck widgets?! (Maddox laughs) I know what my bank account balance is by turning on my phone and looking at my phone's desktop! You know, I can turn on and off 3G with one simple button press on an Android. You can't do that on an iPhone. You gotta press 18 buttons.
Maddox: You know, Asterios, good point about iPhones just working. And thank you for reading the literal marketing bullet point from the Apple website. That's what it says. "It just works!"
Asterios: It DOES just work! My wife…
Maddox: (interjects) Except…
Asterios: (interjects) My phone will overheat in my pocket. My phone will die and restart for no reason! Like…I'm not sure if you have…
Maddox: Ohhhh…okay…(about to talk)
Dick: Oh my God, really?!
Asterios: Yeah. But the thing is, those problems are worth it for me to have the customizability. My wife and my mom, they're not gonna be able to fix these problems. I want them to have an iPhone.
Maddox: Well, uh, it's interesting you say that, because there is a forum. There are actually countless forums on how to fix common problems with iPhones. Let me read a few of them. (Asterios cracks up) Here's one. Frozen Screen! "If your iPhone's screen becomes unresponsive or frozen, your best bet is to power off the phone and power it on again." Oh, a power cycle. This is the troubleshooting they tell iPhone users because they're such morons. iPhone Won't Power On. Here's another common problem. iPhone Won't Power off. Oh, wow, it won't power on AND it won't power off. Having trouble connecting to Wi-Fi. That's a problem. iPhone Camera doesn't work. There's ANOTHER problem! Siri doesn't work! Oh, yeah, another fucking problem.
Dick: Maddox! What works?! What just works all the time!?
Maddox: Hey, I'm not making the claim that Android just works. It doesn't. Android is a piece of shit, too. I hate Android.
Maddox: There ya go! (Laughing)
Asterios: What do you use, Windows Phone? Do you have some sort of Linux Phone?
Maddox: No. Look, here's how…
Asterios: (interjects) Firefox OS?
Dick: He uses a smoke signal.
Asterios: Oh! (sarcastic)
Maddox: Let me tell you my meek…my, not meek, rather, my bleak philosophy on how I choose products and services in life. Okay? A long time ago when I was doing my Maddox store, my online store to ship T-shirts and all the stuff in my store, like comics and whatever…I went to Google and I was trying to find out which carrier to use, so I typed in "Fedex Sucks" and then I typed in "UPS sucks" and then "USPS sucks". And then I just went with the one with the least number of results. And right now, for me, that's Android. Android still sucks, it just sucks less than iPhone..than iOS.
Dick: Yeah, but you're so proud of it. (Maddox and Asterios crack up) That's why the problem is Nut Hugging Android Fanboy Cheerleaders.
Maddox: Oh my god! Are you kidding?!
Dick: 'Cause you GET OFF shitting on something that those of us using it don't give a fuck about.
Maddox: That's bullshit. Dick, you and I right now, have a friend mutually, on Facebook, who literally, when the iPhone ad came out when they did the whole iOS conference, whatever, he posted a link that said "Wow. This is a game changer." You know how many of my dickhead Android friends have posted shit like that about Android? ZERO. 'Cause we're not fucking assholes about it.
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause you're too busy talking about the iPhone. (Maddox and Asterios crack up) That's how you know the iPhone won.
Maddox: Alright. Let's here some of these…you got the voicemails or not?
Dick: I got a shitload of voicemails about this. Here's one.
Maddox: Let's hear some.
Voicemail: Hey guys. This is Sean and this message is for Maddox, the guy that doesn't care that people use iPhones, but will spend 45 minutes bitching about it. Because he doesn't care so much. (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: First of all, that figure is off.
Voicemail: Maddox. Shut up. You iPhone haters have turned into your own sort of cult. You're your own cult! You can call iPhone users sheep ALL DAY, but you guys get in line to bash the iPhone. Even though you APPARENTLY don't give a shit!
Maddox: You know, I…
Dick: (interjects) What do you think of that?
Maddox: So…Dick, a lot of people, I think, misconstrued why I brought that in as a problem. It's not the iPhone users necessarily, although they're idiots. (Asterios cracks up) What the problem is, is iPhone's undue influence on the entire cell phone fucking market. 'Cause now I can't buy a cell phone with buttons anymore. Because of the iPhone's influence on it. And it's not necessarily because they have the best product on the market. I hate touch screens! They're not functional. Everything's slower on these stupid fucking tap-and-pray smudgy pieces of shit everyone's carrying around, myself included! I have one of the last phones on the market with a physical keyboard, and I hate this phone. It's…(Dick cackles)…the keyboard is incredible, but the operating system's stripped down. Nobody gives attention to it. They're not releasing updates to the firmware. It's buggy as shit. They don't have the best hardware in it. And this is what I'm relegated to if I want to use buttons. That's why I hate the iPhone. Is because of the…because it's killed so much productivity.
Dick: What about a Blackberry?
Maddox: Blackberries are garbage. Blackberry is SO far behind on the OS. Even their newest one that keeps coming out. They have the operating system so restrictive. It's a business phone, but it's JUST business. It doesn't do any, like, multimedia functions that well. It's very restrictive.
Asterios: So you hate the Android, the iPhone, the Blackberry OS…
Asterios: So you hate 'em all.
Dick: Well, he hates calling! You just want a pager. That's all you need, is an alphanumeric pager. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: You know, I haven't tried the Windows…I've played with the Nokia Lumia. I'll tell you what.
Maddox: Back in the day, the Symbian OS is the only mobile OS that I absolutely loved. It's so incredible. But Dick, I don't want to…go on.
Dick: Well, here's more horsecockery that you tried to pull on us last week.
Dick: With your three-card monte lies. Do you know the game, three-card monte?
Dick: It's where a con artist. In this case, it would be you (Maddox laughs) has three cards, and they flip 'em around, and they say "Here's the queen, now keep your eye on the queen."
Dick: And they flip it around, and it's always, like, a magic trick. Like, they slide it off so you can never find the queen.
Dick: And then they take your money, right? So that is YOU describing the features of the Android. So I'm gonna go…I got an email from Rob, the host of the "Today on iOS" podcast. And he says "The expandable storage argument died with the no physical keyboard and the no support for Flash." Your phone?
Dick: Your precious M8 one? Does that have expandable storage?
Maddox: I don't have an M8. But yes, this does have expandable storage, yeah.
Asterios: My phone also…
Dick: (interjects) The one that you hate. (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: Well that's a good point. My phone also has expandable storage, and I like that. I like being able to swap out the SIM card.
Maddox: It's nice. It's nice.
Asterios: I don't see what…it seems like…it seems almost…it…what's the word I'm looking for?
Asterios: No. There's no clear purpose behind some of Steve Jobs' iPhone decisions.
Asterios: Like, the idea that they didn't have tethering until just a couple of years ago.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Asterios: The idea that there was no Notification Center until just a couple of years ago.
Asterios: The idea that they just…Swipe, which has been out forever on Android, Swipe just came out. And it's, like, you want to talk about productivity and saving time? Like, that's the best possible way you can save time with your phone. Being able to just type in words really quickly using Swipe. It seems punitive. I don't get it. I don't know why Apple makes some of these decisions they make.
Maddox: Well, and one of the comments, when I pointed out that the…I think it's the Galaxy S5 that's waterproof?
Maddox: This guy was like (silly voice) "Well, you know, it would really complicate the engineering for the electronics on blablablablablabla!"
Asterios: No it wouldn't.
Maddox: No, it wouldn't. You know how they make it waterproof? It's just a rubber seal that goes inside the case. It's one rubber seal that costs less than half a penny to produce.
Dick: That's it. Chief of Engineering for mobile fucking phones over here telling us what it takes to make a PHONE WATERPROOF! (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: They show it on YouTube! They just crack the case open and they go, "Here it is! It's this rubber seal! There's water around it and it's dry inside." That's all it is.
Dick: Here's why it's three-card monte.
Asterios: (interjects) I actually…oh, I'm sorry.
Dick: You talk about the Nexus 5 being waterproof. Right?
Dick: But it doesn't have a replaceable battery or expandable memory.
Maddox: Right. And I don't like that about it.
Dick: The point is. Where is the magical phone that has all of these Android features you're talking about!? When I go…so, I tried…because last episode, you had me totally convinced that the Android was a superior phone to the Android because of all these features.
Maddox: Then I failed.
Dick: And…yeah yeah yeah. That U2 thing really pissed me off.
Asterios: Hah! Yeah, I know.
Dick: And someone also told me that they didn't know about the U2 thing, so they were getting ready to go chew their wife out for buying a U2 album?
Dick: And they were listening to this podcast and said, "Oh, I didn't know it was…like, we were violated with a U2 album." So…we probably saved his marriage. Uh…there is no magical Android phone that has all these features. What do you have to say about that?
Maddox: That's not true. There are phones…I mean, all the features that you want…Here's the thing, Dick, you can customize. You can pick and choose. There's no car that has every feature. You can pick and choose. You can choose whatever car you want. You can choose whatever PC you want. You can customize based on your needs. Versus Apple, they not only customize your phone, they customize your taste in music. Here's U2, dickhead. Now you're a fan of U2.
Dick: Yeah. It sounds like a used car salesman. This pitch that I'm getting where you can customize whatever you want…
Dick: You can buy whatever you want! You can get this in this color. You can get it with leather interior, but only in red! And that model doesn't have power windows. And if you want Sirius, you gotta go with this green one.
Maddox: Oh, Jesus. No.
Dick: It doesn't have windows on it.
Maddox: They all have it…they all have the same basic features that are useful. Most of them have expandable memory and those sorts of things. However, if you don't want it, you don't need it, you don't have to get it. And every iPhone user is like, (silly voice) "Well, I wouldn't use it anyway. I wouldn't use that feature anyway." And you know what? You don't have the option to.
Asterios: You don't have a choice!
Maddox: You don't have a choice. It's nice to have the feature.
Maddox: No one's saying you have to use it. But they're like "Well, I wouldn't use it anyway." And they ALWAYS say that until they get the feature, and then guess what? They're fucking using it. Dick, if I told you right now that I have a cell phone that is the most popular cell phone…it's the top of the market. However, you can't install apps on it. Would you buy that cell phone?
Dick: I have no fucking idea. What do you mean…if there's a magical. Obviously, you want me to say yes, or no…
Maddox: Yeah. (Asterios cracks up) Of course it's no!
Dick: Give me that again. Give it to me again!
Dick: The most popular cell phone.
Maddox: Let me tell you…Here's a cell phone…
Dick: (interjects) But I can't put apps on it?
Maddox: You can't install apps on it.
Dick: Okay. But it's the most popular?
Maddox: Yes. It can't send MMS messages.
Maddox: No multimedia messages.
Asterios: Why is this phone so popular?
Dick: Yeah, that's what I'm ask.
Asterios: It sounds terrible.
Maddox: Yeah. It can't copy and paste. Okay? It can't…it doesn't have a flash on the camera. These were…I believe…these were all features of the original iPhone. You couldn't install any apps. You couldn't copy and paste. You couldn't send multimedia messages.
Dick: (groans) I know what this is.
Dick: Keep going.
Maddox: And every single one of these idiots I argued with. I said "Hey man, you can't install apps." And they were like (silly voice) "Well, we wouldn't use that anyway! We would just use web apps!" And then of course, the next model iPhone comes out and Apple's all about apps. Back then, I was installing thousands of free, mature, developed apps on my Nokia platform. No problem.
Dick: (interjects) Thousands?
Maddox: Thousands. There were TENS of thousands of apps.
Maddox: Nobody knew about it, because Nokia sucks dick at marketing their own fucking product. They had a superior product and they failed, because they're inept at marketing. However, that's the original iPhone, and people bought it in droves.
Dick: Okay. Lemme tell you what that is. What that reminds me of.
Dick: And this is why the Nut Hugging Android Fanboy Cheerleaders is a big problem. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) You sound like a former high school athlete talking about the good ol' days. When you're like "Man, in the good ol' days, we could shit all over the iPhone. That was when it was totally dumb."
Maddox: Dick…(Asterios cracks up)…we're still there right now. You just don't realize it. You're not listening to what we're saying. You don't have these features that everybody's using TODAY, and it's not the good ol' days, it's right now! Your phone is still behind!
Dick: I can't find a phone with all these features! That was my point! (yelling) 'Cause you had me convinced last week, so I set out to find this magical fucking phone that I could throw in a pool and have removable batteries and storage and walk around with my pants bulging like Santa Claus with all this power I was gonna have!
Dick: I couldn't find it! (Sean laughing)
Asterios: I believe the…
Sean: (interjects) What mall Santas are you visiting?
Asterios: I believe the Casio G'zOne is waterproof, has a removable SD card, and you can change the battery out of it.
Maddox: Just get it.
Dick: I didn't know that.
Asterios: There you go.
Maddox: Yeah. Just do a little bit of research, Dick. Pick up a magazine.
Dick: Well then I found that that Bendgate thing was all horseshit too.
Maddox: No it's not!
Dick: No, but that phone you recommended I get, the M8, bent at exactly the same amount of pressure…
Maddox: (interjects) No, it didn't, Dick!
Dick: Dude, I got the…I totally got a Consumer Report.org link!
Maddox: I know. Dick, why don't you read our own fucking website! I linked to it and I specifically mentioned that Consumer Report study! (Asterios cackles) Because they tested the pressure in the middle of every fucking phone. That's not where the iPhone is failing. The iPhone is failing near the top, where it bends, near the crease in your pants in your pocket! Because that's where the buttons are and there's an indentation. It's a groove, and that's where it bends. Not in the middle of the fucking phone!
Dick: So you're saying it's just the tip? (They all crack up)
Maddox: Alright. Do you have any more voicemail?
Dick: Yeah, I have voicemail, but I don't think any of these guys are gonna convince you. Uh…oh, oh, wait, well…I mean, there is just this one.
Dick: There is just this one I've been saving for last.
Voicemail: Hey, Dick! Yeah, this one's for Dick. My name's Chris and I wanted to tell you something awesome about us iPhone guys. We actually have more sex, as according to an OkCupid stats thing.
Dick: Did you hear that, or do you want me to play it again? He said we have more sex.
Maddox: No. I heard it. Yeah.
Dick: He said iPhone guys have more sex.
Maddox: Yeah. They masturbate each other. (Maddox and Asterios laughing)
Dick: No no no no no no. That's not what he's talking about.
Dick: That's not what he's talking about.
Voicemail: Eh, I sound like an idiot. Fuck. Goddamn it. Let me try again.
Dick: No, okay. That's the point.
Maddox: Great point.
Dick: OkCupid had a survey and it said iPhone guys have more sex than Nut Hugging Android Fanboy Cheerleaders.
Maddox: Yeah. I don't…first of all, I don't believe that. And second…first, it's not possible.
Asterios: I want to say that I believe that. Because I believe iPhone users, generally speaking, have more money, and people that have more money have more sex, so therefore…
Asterios: I'm gonna give that one to the iPhone people.
Dick: It's not sexist, 'cause you said "people", instead of "guys".
Asterios: Yeah!!! Sure. Yeah..
Dick: I get it.
Maddox: (laughs) Yeah. Well, if they have so much money, why don't they replace their shitty, shattered screen? (Asterios cracks up)
Sean: Why do all the poor people have billions of children?
Dick: It's a good question.
Asterios: They can have sex with ugly people. Only occasionally.
Maddox: Hey. Speaking of poor people. If you want to save some money, Dick…on audio downloads…
Dick: Yeah yeah. Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audio book download! Asterios, do you know about Audible?
Asterios: Yeah! I know about it.
Dick: Well, let me tell you about them anyway. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Please! I mean, I don't know about it. Tell me more!
Dick: They've got over 150,000 titles to choose from. Every genre, Audible has it covered, including erotic genres.
Asterios: Really? Alllright. (saucy voice)
Dick: If you want to get some erotic stories read to you.
Asterios: I'm leaving this podcast right now and going to http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Listen whenever and wherever you want, just like the podcast you're listening to right now. I did download that, uh…that book that we talked about last time.
Maddox: The milk…
Asterios: (interjects) The milk maids?!
Maddox: The milk maids, yeah. An Erotic Milking Story? Or lactation story?
Dick: Yeah. Milked At Her Uncle's Farm, Volume I. (everyone cracks up) Volume I.
Maddox: Do you have any sound clips from that?
Dick: No, I should have. I tried…I was gonna bring some in, but I didn't have time. Uh…there is a Volume I, and after having listened to it, I can see why this needs to be a multi-volume story.
Dick: An erotic lactation story. I'll bring 'em in next time.
Maddox: Sounds great.
Dick: I'll bring 'em in next time we do an Audible ad.
Maddox: That sounds kinda hot, actually, I'd be driving around with a big old boner, just listening to this thing. (Asterios laughs) I bet, I bet…I wonder if they read it like a sex phone operator. 'Cause that'd be really hot, right? You're just…
Dick: Uh, the girl could be hotter.
Maddox: Her voice, you mean.
Dick: That's what I…yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah…but then, see, I think these books are written…are supposed to be consumed by women…
Dick: 'Cause I got into, like…I was like the 20-second mark, and I hadn't heard how big the girl's tits were.
Asterios: Oh, what?!
Dick: It was like, wait a minute.
Asterios: That's weird.
Maddox: What, did you skip over it?
Dick: What do you mean…did I skip over…
Maddox: How did you not hear how big her…
Dick: 'Cause the books are written for women, I'm saying. These erotic novels are written for women.
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh, I see what you're saying.
Dick: So there's a lot of, like…
Maddox: So they're not emphasizing the, uh…female…
Asterios: (interjects) The most important parts of an erotic story.
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Right, which is…
Asterios: (interjects) How big the boobs are.
Maddox: Yeah, that's so important.
Dick: And, it's like, I'll bring in some clips for it.
Maddox: How big or small. Uh, either way. I just want to know. I just want to know.
Maddox: It's an important point.
Asterios: How am I supposed to visualize this character in my head if I don't know their cup size/
Maddox: I just visualize two empty black holes. Like space…just stars. I don't know what they are.
Asterios: I don't find that attractive.
Maddox: No. Stars. I do not want to bang stars.
Dick: Well, if you want to hear how big the girl's boobs are, go to, um…(everyone cracks up) http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audio book download.
Maddox: So, Asterios, you are, I believe our third guest on the show ever, and you can…you have a problem you brought in this week.
Asterios: Yeah, I brought in a problem. My problem, and thanks for having me. My problem is "Toms Shoes".
Maddox: "Toms Shoes"! Bravo! Yes.
Dick: That's a problem.
Asterios: I thought you were gonna play a round of applause there.
Maddox: You know, I was looking for the round of applause. This is the episode, too, I was like, "Yeah, let's get rid of the round of applause." Here's what I replaced it with:
(Sound effect: Asterios: "'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!!") (all laugh)
Dick: I gotta explain that real quick before we talk about Tom's Shoes. Asterios Kokkinos is responsible for the funniest thing I have ever seen at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater. And I mean that..before it was you, it was that guy who came out as the Wolf Man and said…(Asterios cracks up) It was a guy who runs out of the back curtain and goes "Someone asked if the Wolf Man has nards!" and pulls his pants down and shows his dick, to like, the entire audience. That was the funniest thing. Your…when you came out doing the guy from the Polar Express…being basically an unhinged maniac, screaming about how you abduct children and turn them into mutants…(Asterios laughs) That was the new funniest thing I'd ever seen. So I brought in a clip of it.
Maddox: Yeah, that's…that's hilarious. Yeah.
Dick: Play it.
(Sound effect: Asterios: "'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!!")
Dick: That was the start. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, and people tried to…that was during the Tournament of Nerds debate show, where they tried to argue who would win a fight, whatever, and they tried to smear you by pointing out that the Polar Express guy is kinda creepy 'cause he kidnaps kids, and there's like, a 'molestery' affect to it. And YOU FULLY EMBRACED IT! (Asterios laughs) You were like "Yes, I love delicious children!!" and it was…
Dick: "Cause I'm a digital cyber demon!" (they all laugh)
Maddox: It was impossible to take you down. It was nonstop. That was incredible.
Asterios: Well, it's hard to top a pedophile. So…there you go. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: There's a soundbyte. (Asterios laughs) So, what's your problem with Toms? Which I agree. Yeah.
Asterios: Sure. No, look. I figure we're not really gonna be debating this one like the iPhone…(laughs) (Maddox giggles) But, I got a couple of problems with Toms Shoes. First off, let me start by saying, like, there are things that people wear that tell you everything you need to know about them. You're watching a movie. You see a guy in a suit with an earpiece, you know he's a Secret Service guy. You see a girl wearing Louboutins, you know she's rich. You see a guy in Toms Shoes, you know right away he's a douche. (Sean laughs)
Asterios: You know right away. Like, the guy…the 25-year-old guy firing your dad is wearing Toms Shoes.
Asterios: You know. He's the guy that's like (silly voice) "Oh, sorry pops, times are tough. We're gonna swap you out for six interns." Like, that's the Toms Shoes wearer.
Asterios: And I know you guys agree with me by how they look.
Dick: Can I ask a question?
Dick: There are Toms Shoes for men? (Maddox and Asterios crack up) I honestly didn't know that.
Maddox: Yeah. These pieces of shit, garbage…Asterios, can you explain, like, what they are for people who might not know?
Asterios: Absolutely. So, for people who might not know, Toms Shoes are these garbage-looking shoes…
Asterios: …That you can buy in Whole Foods. (Dick cackles) And they're based around the idea…
Maddox: Can you really?
Asterios: The best possible place to buy your shoes. An overpriced grocery store.
Asterios: Yes. And uhhh…the point of Toms Shoes…it was a company founded in 2006, was the "Buy One, Give One" model.
Asterios: When you buy a pair of Toms Shoes for 70$, they will give a pair of Toms Shoes to a kid in need in Africa.
Asterios: So that's kind of the appeal of Toms Shoes.
Dick: In need of shoes or AIDS vaccinations? (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Nope, just shoes.
Asterios: Just shoes.
Maddox: Sorry. Here's your shoes.
Dick: Not food?
Maddox: Nope. No food.
Dick: They're not gonna give them like, a gallon of water?
Maddox: Here you go, eat your Toms, idiot.
Dick: Here's some shoes?
Dick: See if you can wring some water out of this rubber?
Maddox: So, so. Here's the philosophy. You go to a place where you buy food, and the instead, buy expensive shoes, and then send the shoes to people and keep the food for yourself. (Asterios and Dick crack up)
Asterios: That's a very good point.
Dick: In Africa, do they get, like a Whole Foods box? And they open it up and it's full of shoes? (Asterios and Dick crack up)
Maddox: Here you go, idiots!
Asterios: Whole foods?! There's NO foods in here! What the hell?!
Maddox: You know, if they JUST had shoes. The poor children of Africa. If they just had shoes, rather than new schools, or I don't know, vaccinations…
Asterios: A sustainable economy.
Dick: Nuclear power.
Maddox: Or ANY power.
Asterios: Right, exactly. Well, see, now that's the thing, look. You want to give a guy a pair of shoes? That's…actually, look, I have no problem with giving someone that needs shoes, shoes. That's great. What happens when those shoes wear out? What if they don't get any free shoes from the next free shoe shipment? Like, what if the head of Toms goes crazy and Toms goes out of business? Oh, well, that's alright. 'Cause you can just buy a pair of shoes from your local shoemaker, right? No. Wrong. You can't. Because your local shoemaker went out of business because some asshole named Tom undercut his prices by 100% with his free shoes!! (Maddox laughs) So what these free shoes do…
Dick: They're killing local businesses! (laughing)
Maddox: That's a good fucking point!
Dick: Oh, my God! I never thought of that!
Maddox: Yeah! It's killing the economy!
Asterios: TIME magazine called it an unsustainable aid-based economy. So, yeah, look. It's great to have shoes for that day. Or that month. Toms Shoes wear out pretty fast, so three months later, look, people are out of a job, you're out of shoes. You're fucked again.
Maddox: Yeah. Those shoes look like they're made out of burlap sack…
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah.
Maddox: And then sandpaper. They look like the most uncomfortable, shitty shoes. They're not waterproof. They look ugly as sin. (Sean laughing)
Dick: Like the Android (all laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, you're wearing a couple of iPhones on your feet. So, these shoes are just absolutely garbage. They look like…they always fall apart, they look ratty as shit. And so, these are the shoes they're sending these kids in Africa. The shittiest looking shoes. And then, the people who buy them, they feel like such fucking saints. Like, oh…
Asterios: That's the thing!
Maddox: Yeah. They're showing solidarity with some Ethiopian kid that they'll never fucking meet. And who knows if they'll ever even get that shoe in the first place.
Dick: Can you take the shoe? Can you say, "Can you just give me two shoes?" (Asterios laughs) like, I don't want to send mine to poor people?
Maddox: You know, there's also…this is kind of interesting, too. If you think about the size of the shoes that adults wear are, you know, 9+. Up to 13 or 14 sometimes? The material that they save on those…it's not a 1:1 ratio, 'cause they're making smaller shoes for kids and sending those over.
Maddox: So where does that cost disparity, go?
Maddox: Right in their fucking pockets, I guaran-fucking-tee it.
Asterios: Oh, you mean, Toms Shoes, the 650 million dollar corporation?
Maddox: Holy shit.
Asterios: It's not a not-for-profit, by the way. It's worth 650 million dollars and the head of Toms Shoes just sold half of it to Bane Capital, AKA Mitt Romney.
Asterios: So, these are the people that are…
Dick: (interjects) Smart guy. He should have been president. (all laughing)
Maddox: Fucking Dick. (laughing)
Asterios: Yeah, I saw…
Dick: (interjects) Good investment!
Asterios: I saw a pair of Toms Shoes…
Dick: (interjects) I like that they kill local business, because, like, I'm imagining how you explain that, to like, a spoiled person, someone who would buy these shoes. Like, imagine if aliens, just like gave us a bunch of free shit, and then just never did again?
Asterios: Right. Exactly.
Dick: Like they just came down, and I don't know what the spoiled rich people would buy that aliens could just replace for free…
Asterios: Cars…exactly. Well, then the auto manufacturing sector goes out of business.
Asterios: And then where do you get your next car? The aliens have moved on to another planet and giving them cars.
Dick: Yeah, and then where would you get your Fiat?
Dick: Or your Scion. Scion. (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Dick, was that a…
Asterios: (interjects) But the Scion is an alien car, so it works!
Asterios: So, here's a quote from the New York Times. This is an interview with Tom Shoes' "Chief Giving Officer" (Maddox and Dick crack up) Terrible…
Asterios: Oh, and by the way, no…that's not the CEO…
Maddox: No, CGO. CGO.
Asterios: Right. Toms doesn't have a CEO. It has a CSG. A Chief Shoe Giver.
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhh….ughhhhhhhhhhh..bleeeeeeeeeeerhhhhh (vomiting sound)
Asterios: Absolutely not kidding. Absolutely not kidding.
Maddox: Oh my gosh.
Dick: Is he in charge of the whole company?
Asterios: Uhh…he's, you know, the CEO of Toms Shoes, Blake Mycoskie. Who looks like a super douche.
Dick: That sounds like a fake name, too.
Asterios: He looks like the guy that steals your girlfriend.
Asterios: Yeah. He looks like Dick.
Maddox: Yeah, fucking Dick. (laughing)
Dick: I have done that. (Asterios laughing)
Maddox: Oh, yeah, what a way to be proud. (Sean laughs)
Asterios: So here's what the Chief Giving Officer said, "If we begin to create an environment where shoes are available, we hope the local shoe industry will take this up and start selling shoes." Yeah! Because people in Africa have no idea what SHOES are! It's a good thing you went ant introduced them to the concept of shoes and selling shoes by GIVING SHOES AWAY FOR FREE!!! (yelling) (Maddox laughs) You sell T-shirts!
Asterios: It would be like if I went to all your fans and gave them free Maddox T-shirts and was like, "Well I'm introducing your fans to the concept of T-shirts."
Maddox: No no, Asterios, don't do that! I don't need you to do that.
Asterios: No, no, please, it's for their own good!
Asterios: They're gonna take these T-shirts! And they're gonna LIKE THEM!
Maddox: No, you're undercutting my market! I can't sell T-shirts if you're giving them away for free!!
Asterios: How will my douchebag customers feel good if I don't give away your T-shirts, for free?!
Maddox: Well, you're right Asterios, good argument. I guess I'll go out of business! (laughs)
Asterios: See you later, sucker!
Dick: You know what it is? It's like if someone from the future came back in time and just gave away copies of your next book.
Dick: And then you're like "Well, what about me?!"
Dick: Fine, fuck it, I'm not writing any more books!
Asterios: But it's helping people, right?
Asterios: They want that book! It's a short-term gain, but we've lost an artist. That's not good.
Dick: Who's making these shoes, by the way?
Asterios: Well, let me tell you! Thank you for saying…Thank you, Byron Allen, for setting me up! (Dick laughs) So, uhh…so here's the thing. Where are Toms Shoes made? I went down to Whole Foods, literally. I went down to Whole Foods and I put on a protective Hazmat suit…and I went into Whole Foods, and I pulled a pair of Toms off the shelf, well, surprise, surprise, the pair I look at, it's made in China!
Asterios: You know. Yeah! China! That bastion of worker's rights, China!
Asterios: Yeah, every Liberal's favorite country where everyone earns a living wage and everybody is happy and they all have all the food and medicine they need. They've got great air….oh, wait, it's fucking China!! (yelling) (Maddox laughs) Where the only reason they stopped selling poison baby food was that an important baby died!!!!
Maddox: Wait,wait. Which baby?
Asterios: I dunno. Some politician's baby.
Maddox: Oh, some politician's baby, yeah.
Maddox: Oh, so that's interesting Asterios, so they manufactured tens of thousands, probably millions of these shoes, right?
Maddox: In China.
Asterios: In China.
Maddox: Then they ship it to the US, and then they ship them from China to Africa. So it's two destinations they're shipping the shoes…
Dick: (interjects) Okay, I have a question.
Dick: So, they have to work twice as much in order to give themselves…in order to get spoiled rich people to buy free shoes for them?
Asterios: Yes. Well, I don't even think they go to China, I think they go to Africa, so those people are just shit out of luck with shoes. So, but actually, Maddox, that is a really brilliant summation, the Made in the USA blog made a similar summation. So, when you buy Toms Shoes, they're made in China, Haiti, Indonesia, so there. You're robbing an American manufacturer of a manufacturing job. Then, you send those free shoes to Africa. They get 'em for free. You're robbing an African guy of his shoemaking job. YOU! Wearing those headphones! Wearing Toms Shoes! Every time you take a step, you're killing TWO JOBS! (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Maddox: And you know what's so insidious about this, Asterios, is those shoes look like they could be made by some local African shoe cobbler, right?
Asterios: Yeah. Uh-huh. Yep.
Maddox: They look like shit!
Asterios: They do.
Maddox: Like, if you had no tools and very little power in whatever environment you were working in…very, like, sub-Internet, sub-electric. Those are the type of shoes you would make! They have the capability to manufacture good fucking shoes and send them to Africa! They're not! They're sending them the types of shoes they would make if they could!
Asterios: Right, exactly. Yes, yes. They are sending…they are often sending shoes that don't work in the appropriate climate. Like, in America, you can wear douche, flimsy shoes, because if something goes wrong, you can probably just go get another pair of shoes.
Asterios: You're probably not walking in a super-duper hot…
Dick: I have different shoes for that!
Asterios: Well, yeah, exactly! If it's raining…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. They have support.
Asterios: …you go wear your rain galoshes. If it's this, you wear…you know. It's just to make douches…college kids feel happy that they're giving another pair of shoes to someone they'll never see.
Asterios: You know. Exactly.
Maddox: It's the…they're not buying shoes, they're buying a narrative.
Asterios: Yup. Very right.
Maddox: They want to feel good…they want to feel good about doing something without doing anything.
Asterios: (yelling) WITHOUT DOING SHIT! Exactly.
Dick: You know what? We should do that. Every time someone listens to this podcast, we should go shout at someone in need. (Maddox and Asterios crack up) About the problems they're having in their life.
Maddox: Hey, I got an idea. Seriously. For every one download we get, let's send a download to a kid in Africa. (All crack up)
Dick: That's good. That's good.
Asterios: Goddamit! Buy one, give one! I love it.
Maddox: Yep. Yep.
Asterios: You philanthropist, you.
Asterios: And then you can write off those donated downloads, pay less on your American taxes, put more money in your pocket…now you're ahead of the game twice.
Maddox: But, we may be putting a couple of satirists in Africa out of business. (All crack up laughing)
Asterios: Goddamn it.
Dick: We don't have to go all the way to Africa. There's bums on the street in LA.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true. We could help out those bums. We could give them uh…Beats headphones and give 'em our podcast for free.
Asterios: I'm sure people would love to listen to that. That would be great. Hearing two homeless people fight over a can of beans.
Maddox: And I'm not sure…every time I see someone wearing Beats, too…sorry to bring this up from way in the past, but every time I see someone wearing Beats (laughs), I'm not sure, they might be hipsters or they might be homeless. It could go either way. (Asterios laughs)
Dick: Okay, so, Asterios.
Dick: I agree, this is a big problem.
Dick: I think that these Toms guys are probably a subset of Nut Hugging Android Fan…(Maddox laughs) I mean, really, at the end of the day…
Asterios: Well the Toms guys are rich, so they probably use iPhones.
Dick: So we're at odds. So this is like, an ideology battle we're at right now.
Asterios: Me and you? (incredulous)
Dick: I guess. Yeah.
Asterios: I don't even know.
Dick: That's what I'm saying.
Asterios: Eh, whatever. Okay, so lemme…I would wrap it up with this. I went to the Toms website. A pair of…this is the name of a pair of men's shoes they have. The "Navy Toms Plus Brocade Classics".
Maddox: (sputters, laughs) Brocade?!
Asterios: The Brocade Classics! Plus! It's a name so douche, it may as well have gone to film school. (Maddox laughs) These shoes cost 120$. (incredulous) Okay? These shoes cost 120$. How about this guy? How about you go buy some flip flops, which provide just as much support as this Toms garbage…
Asterios: And then you take the other 110$ that you didn't spend…(yelling)…and you GIVE THEM………………………to me, Asterios Kokkinos. (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: I'll use some of it to help. I'm sure I'll help. Whatever.
(Sound effect: Asterios: "'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!")
Maddox: (laughing) Give it to this guy.
Asterios: Look. The bottom line is, if you want to help people, you fucking go out and help people. You take your money…go buy a 20$ pair of shoes. Give the other 20$ to a poor person on the street. You know?
Asterios: Go donate to a fucking food bank in America. There's one in five kids are starving in America! You know?
Asterios: Ehhh, don't do this bullshit where you buy shitting looking shoes to feel better about yourself. It's garbage.
Maddox: No. Same thing…same goes with food and everything else that comes with a narrative. You know what? I can give you guys a narrative. I can jerk you off with some…"Hey, you're buying…buy one of my T-shirts and some kid in Africa will be a little bit happier for a day." (Asterios laughs) Don't know how! Don't…somewhere in Africa. And it's always Africa. Africa's always the Dark Continent where everyone's starving and dying, right?
Maddox: Well, speaking of…
Dick: (interjects) They are, right?
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: Well, it's interesting. 'Cause, speaking of…I want to bring up my problem this week, which is "Anti-Vaxxers".
Dick: (chuckles) Okay.
Asterios: I think I just lost.
Maddox: You guys…(laughing)
Dick: Yeah, that's a big problem. (laughing)
Asterios: I think I just lost the game.
Maddox: Here we go. Yeah! Well, you guys know what these are, right? These are people who are anti vaccination. Mmkay?
Maddox: Lemme read you some interesting statistics. This is from http://www.motherjones.com. In California in 2010, 10 children died in a whooping cough outbreak. 10 children died. Do you know how many kids died that year from gun violence? Like, guns in school? School shootings? How many would you guess?
Asterios: I dunno, 20, 30?
Maddox: 20, 30? Nope.
Dick: Yeah, I think that's a good guess.
Maddox: One. But 10 kids died from whooping cough.
Dick: From whooping cough.
Maddox: Right! And that's interesting, because it's on the rise because of anti-vaccination people. So, this is from the CDC website. This is the morbidity rate for various viruses from the 20th century and from 2010. Okay? Because of vaccinations, smallpox went from…in the 20th century, we had 29,000 cases of smallpox. In 2010, we had 0. That's 100% decrease. Diptheria, 21,000. In 2010, 0. Pertussis. This is actually whooping cough. This is the actual disease whooping cough.
Dick: These are all the disease you get on Oregon Trail. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: It's true.
Asterios: How many people have died from failed river fordings?
Dick: Yeah! Or bandits!
Maddox: Oh, yeah. The bandits. Those fucking bandits. There's not a vaccination for that. Uhh, pertussis is whooping cough. 200,000, and in 2010, only 21,000. That's an 89% decrease. Tetanus, 580 in the 20th century, and down to 8. So this is what vaccination is solving, right? And now it's on the rise.
Asterios: May I interrupt you just briefly?
Asterios: I believe all these statistics, obviously, but the people that don't vaccinate their kid are not gonna be convinced by statistics, so it's like, what the fuck do we do?
Asterios: Like, I know that on this program, you don't necessarily talk about solutions, but, like, seriously. What the fuck do you do? You can yell a million statistics. You can get 1,000 doctors.
Asterios: It's the same as the global warming thing. They buy this narrative they want to believe, like Toms Shoes buyers. Like, how do you fix this? What do you do?
Maddox: Yeah. It's almost like you could bring in statistics proving that one phone platform is shitty (Asterios cracks up) and you just, for some reason, cannot ever convince that person.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause statistics don't fucking matter.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: That's the point! That's the point we're making! Is that…yeah. The reason that this started, which you didn't cover. Are you gonna cover that yet? Is because people are afraid that vaccinations give their kids autism. Right?
Maddox: Right. That's…well, that's the fear. The misplaced fear. So, according to this Mother Jones article. It's interesting you guys bring up the reason, it's statistics. They tried to convince people who are anti-vaccination with four different methods to convince them to vaccinate their children. Here are the four things that they tried. The first message was called "The Autism Correction Approach". So, it was a factual, science-heavy correction to false claims that the MMR vaccine causes autism, citing multiple studies that disprove these claims, right? So they sent a bunch of these people these pamphlets saying "Hey, this is just false."
Maddox: The second attempt was called "The Disease Risks". They simply listed the risks of contracting measles, mumps, or rubella, and describing nasty complications. Right? They sent another group of people those pamphlets. Then the third message was "The Disease Narrative Approach", which told a true story about a 10-month old whose temperature shot up to 106 degrees after he contracted measles in a waiting room. Right? Pretty scary stuff.
Dick: Sounds good. (grins) That one sounds good. We got a winner! I'm betting on that horse!
Asterios: And hopefully that kid died!
Maddox: And number four…
Asterios: I'm rubbing my hands together!
Dick: Unless the fourth one, is like, a story like that, but all lies to make it way worse…(Maddox giggles) Then, I'm betting on that one.
Asterios: Right, like an anti-vaxxer RAPED someone. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Come on! Let's hear it!
Maddox: Nope. And the number four is simply called "The Disease Images" approach. So they sent people pamphlets. They sent the subjects images of diseased children. So, you know, just really gross-looking kids with measles and mumps, etc. Hearing the frightening narrative actually increased respondents' likelihood of thinking that getting vaccines will cause serious side effects, from 7.7% to 13.8%.
Dick: Wait, it backfired?!
Maddox: Yep. Every single one of these approaches not only didn't change their minds, but in some instances, increased the likelihood of them to NOT vaccinate their children.
Dick: Oookay. I get that. I get that.
Asterios: There's that thing, where like, any time a Democrat talks about taxes, the message you take away is "That Democrat's gonna raise my taxes."
Asterios: Like, it doesn't matter. They could be like "I've lowered taxes a million times! I don't pay tax myself! I hate taxes!" and they're like, "That fucking donkey's gonna raise my goddamn taxes!"
Maddox: Yyyyyyyyeeep. It's depressing, man.
Dick: I've got a solution, though.
Dick: Because this worked on me. When this first came out, my first step when there's a controversy, is to find someone I know who's an expert and just ask them. 'Cause I don't wanna read a bunch of garbage that I don't really believe anyway.
Maddox: Yeah. Just listen to some guy.
Dick: Yeah. (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: He said expert, Maddox! Come on.
Maddox: Yeah, sure. Okay. So, and what did you find?
Dick: So, I asked my mom. 'Cause she works with, like, autism all day. She works with autistic kids all day. And I was like "Hey, this seems…they're saying that these vaccinations are a cause of autism, maybe? It seems like that might be true? What do I know, you know? Maybe you get a bunch of vaccinations at the same time and it screws up with your developing brain, have you read about this? Is there anything? Is there any truth to it?" And my mom gave me a look and a tone that I have never received from her in my life. She just goes, "Dick………no." And I felt so ashamed of myself for even bringing it up that I never questioned it again and became violently anti-anti-vaxxers.
(Sound effect: Dick: "Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am.")
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox and Asterios cracks up) And that worked for me! So if we can just get all of these people's moms on the phone and have them call them up and give them, you know, that mom look and tone, problem solved.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, 'cause none of these, not a single one of these approaches was successful.
Dick: Yeah, you gotta make people ashamed of being stupid.
Maddox: I know.
Asterios: I know, but shame often works in the opposite. Like, if 10 people are calling a global warming denier an idiot, often that person will be like, "Well I must be right" (Maddox laughs) You know, like I must be onto something. If the MAN is so against me! Oh, so this is what the SYSTEM THINKS, HUH? I'm gonna be a rebel!
Sean: No, that's exactly right. And they also…these people don't want to be…they don't want to be educated. They just want…they don't want the info. They just want to be right.
Asterios: Well that's the thing!
Sean: (interjects) And they'll double down on it.
Asterios: It's the…did you talk about the sunk cost fallacy?
Maddox: What's that?
Asterios: Oh okay, I thought that was on this podcast. Uh, well there's the thing where, at some point, you've lost so much money that to stop would be an admission that you were wrong in the first place. It's why people continue to gamble even when they're down. Because they're like, "Well if I don't keep gambling, then it was stupid to have done this in the first place." I feel like there's a lot of anti-vaxxers and a lot of anti-global warming nuts that at some level know they're wrong, but they're just all in at this point, and to pull out and say I was wrong will cause them so much shame, that they'd rather give their kids fucking flippers! And they'd rather live on a goddamn cinder! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Well, this is why it's a problem. 'Cause I used to think that this was funny. Like, the anti-vaxxers?
Asterios: Yeah. I know.
Dick: It's like "I'm not vaccinating my kids!" Like HAHAHAHAHAHA!! (belly laugh) Cool!
Dick: Like, see ya!
Asterios: It's funny, 'cause you're listening to Jenny McCarthy, you're listening to a girl that's not even that hot anymore, and that's convincing you? Alright, idiot.
Dick: So, I see in my mind, just like a shitty gene pool and these guys are collectively yanking the plug as it's right about to drain their whole stupid line right down the drain. Awesome!
Dick: It's like, it's only gonna nail you. But NOW, 'cause all these kids are these incubators of diseases…
Maddox: Yep, mhmm.
Dick: …that we think we fixed a long time ago, they're infecting everybody else, so it's actually a big problem.
Asterios: Right, they're infecting vaccinated kids, and that's the fucking problem.
Maddox: So, who is to blame here? Hmm? Who do you guys think?
Dick: Jenny McCarthy.
Asterios: Jenny McCarthy.
Maddox: Jenny McCarthy? Actually, it's more general than that. I mean, she's part of the problem, for sure, but guess who listens to Jenny McCarthy? Rich people.
Asterios: Riiiiiight. Yep.
Maddox: Rich people are the PROBLEM. Enjoy that one, Dick. Use that sound byte. Here's the…listen to this…
Dick: (interjects) How are rich people the problem?
Asterios: Wait, how much do these people spend on their steaks?
Maddox: Uhhh, I dunno, but I guarantee they use iPhones and have more sex! (Maddox and Asterios crack up) Yeah. These unvaccinated dipshits are having more sex. Listen to this. According to the Atlantic, wealthy LA schools' vaccination rates are as low as South Sudan's.
Asterios: Ughh. Goddamn it.
Maddox: So, speaking of sending vaccinations to Africa, hey, why don't we just send them to Malibu?
Sean: Yeah, but that is a skewed statistic, because you're talking about Los Angeles.
Dick: Of course it is!
Sean: Like that is, that cannot be for rich people across the country.
Maddox: No, no, it's actually…so, this is rich people, not just in Los Angeles, but in Australia. They checked in Georgia. These are all rich communities that aren't vaccinating. So, "in some schools, up to 60% to 70% of parents have filed these PBEs…" It's a Personal Belief Exemption. That's what the PBE stands for. "Indicating a vaccination rate as low as that of Chad or South Sudan. Unlike in Santa Monica, however, parents in South Sudan have trouble getting their children vaccinated because of an ongoing civil war."
Asterios: (Cracks up) Oh, my God.
Maddox: Yeah. No civil war in Santa Monica. Just a bunch of dipshits driving around in their Priuses listening to their iPhones.
Dick: So are they not allowed to go to school now?
Dick: I heard talk that they were gonna keep all these…
Maddox: (interjects) They should!
Asterios: I heard talk that in New York, they were gonna…they were gonna stop. I don't know if it's official yet, but I heard that unvaccinated kids may not be able to go to New York public schools.
Maddox: Yeah. They shouldn't be allowed!
Asterios: I hope fucking so.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: They should just be…you know, why don't you just buy them coffins? Put them in coffins…(Dick cracks up) Ship it in just one big mass grave of rich dipshits, "Here you go, morons! Get right in the fucking coffin." So…
Dick: (interjects) Always with rich people! Such an agenda against rich people.
Maddox: Because these are the morons…like, they think they're smarter and better than everyone and they don't give a fuck about you or anyone else!
Asterios: That is exactly correct. You know that statistic that, like, you are more likely to be hit by a guy driving a BMW than a Toyota Corolla? It's absolutely true. When you have more money, you think you're special. You think that poor people are just stupid and that's why they're poor, not that the system is rigged against them. And because nothing bad has ever happened to you, because a fucking shitload of the wealth in America is inherited! So you grew up living a charmed life where you had absolutely no problems! You're like "Well, my kid won't have any problems if I don't vaccinate him! Because nothing bad ever happens to me!" Cut to…baby coffin.
(Sound effect: clapping)
Maddox: Bravo. I had actually pulled up that sound clip.
Dick: Or….or….you just have more time in the day to think about how fucking crazy everything might be.
Maddox: (laughing) Oh, sure.
Dick: When you're working 10 hours a day, you don't have time to sit around thinking about what might give your kid autism.
Maddox: Yeah. Because that's where smarts come from, huh, Dick. Thinking, not reading. (Asterios and Maddox laugh)
Dick: It's not smarts!
Maddox: So, listen to this. According to http://www.salon.com, one public elementary school in Malibu, an affluent beach town just north of Los Angeles, reported that only 58% of their students are immunized!
Maddox: 58%! The CDC's goal is 90.
Sean: You keep going back to Los Angeles! This is not like other places! This is, like, alternative lifestyle, treehugging, grassroots, like this is…that is not…
Dick: (interjects) This is where Jenny McCarthy lives. This is like Mordor.
Asterios: But America's thought leaders come from Los Angeles and New York. Like, we make the TV and the movies. Jenny McCarthy is a fucking entertainer. She is a TV star. She goes on The View. She talks…she didn't mention the anti-vax stuff on The View, 'cause she had to tone it down to try to keep her job! But she was a fucking celebrity, and people listen to celebrities.
Sean: Unfortunately, they do. Who are the most out of touch people in…
Sean: This whole town is a…collection of castoffs and…and, just…people who do not fit in anywhere else.
Asterios: Did you guys hear that the Richmeister lost his job because of his anti-vaccination views?
Maddox: No, who is this?
Asterios: This is awesome. So, Rob Schneider, who played the Richmeister on SNL. "Makin copies! The Rob! The Robster! Robarama!"
Maddox: Oh yeah, right.
Asterios: He started doing these ads for State Farm, where he was like "State Farm-O-Rama. Save you money-o-rama!"
Maddox: Right (laughs)
Asterios: And they fired him because he's an anti-vaxxer and State Farm's like, "No, we want people to get vaccines! When they don't get vaccines, we have to take care of their deformed flipper babies!" And that costs a lot of money. And that, by the way, is how I think you can solve this problem. A lot of times, you don't talk about solutions on this show. Here's one: Don't insure unvaccinated kids.
Asterios: Because these rich assholes will pay attention to money! Or charge them, like, a 100,000$ premium. Once you bring money into the equation and you make that the stick, I feel like you could solve this problem. And I feel like there's something in it for insurance companies and for hospitals. The hospitals will be like, "Look, we'll treat your unvaccinated kid, but you have to have a million dollar deductible." Or some shit. Just make it impossible to have an unvaccinated kid operate within the regular system, and I think you could solve the problem.
Sean: Yeah! Now you're…because that's a choice. Like, now you're not allowed to not insure people due to pre-existing conditions.
Sean: But, it's like, that's a choice. Like, I'm allowed to not hire you if you have a tattoo on your face of a swastika. That's a choice.
Asterios: Which I do.
Sean: Yeah. And I'm…
Asterios: (interjects) And I love this tattoo.
Dick: Well, you guys, I'm sorry to ruin your libertarian fantasy world…(Maddox cracks up, Asterios laughs) But this America. You can be as stupid as you want! (Asterios laughs harder) And as long as a bunch of assholes with guns say you have to get insured no matter what, you get insured! Think of something else. (Asterios laughs)
Dick: Another solution.
Maddox: Great. That's true. Well, listen…I just want to make a point to what Sean said, that this is just a wealthy, weird, Los Angeles problem…
Sean: (interjects) Well, because that's all you've cited.
Maddox: Okay, well, here we go. Um, so…this is from http://www.smh.com.au. It's a news website.
Sean: Australia's another huge alternative medicine country. As is Germany.
Dick: Yeah man, they're crazy over there.
Sean: Yep. You can look this shit up. Who mostly believes in alternative medicine.
Dick: They have, like Internet censorship all over the place down there.
Sean: Well, it's as cherry picked as can be. I mean, I'm not saying you did it, I'm saying the site did it.
Maddox: No, no, but I'm not telling you…look, you can't say all of Australia, okay Dick. Listen, you can't say all of Australia, because this is…Sydney's wealthiest areas have much lower immunization rates. Experts fear that children could be at risk from deadly but preventable disease. The prestigious northern and eastern suburbs, Manly and Inner Sydney, are four of the nine NSW local areas listen by the National Health Performance Authority as being at risk because of outbreaks because of low vaccination rates.
Dick: I mean, I believe that it's rich people just because they have time to sit around being worried about shit all day.
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Here…
Dick: (interjects) Like, they're gonna do whatever it takes to try to protect their kids and they have more resources. They just got conned into doing this.
Maddox: (interjects) Well, they…
Dick: It sucks, but they need to think of a better ad.
Dick: Just like your…
Asterios: (interjects) That's exactly right.
Dick: Nut Hugging Android shit, you gotta think of a better ad than what you're doing.
Maddox: Well, sure, I have a theory, but I just want to finish reading this from Salon. It says, "High education levels can enhance rather than deter anti-vax beliefs. There are people who believe that they can know anything and know as much as their doctor, if not more, by simply studying it and reading about it.
Maddox: Yeah. On Web MD and they just make up their own opinions, or whatever anti-bullshit website these weird, alternative health websites that they read. "Many of these people, he added, are used to being in control of their lives and at their jobs and want to control this aspect of their lives as well." These are people who feel entitled. They feel like they are allowed to tell everybody everything. They know better than everyone, because they've been…they've had these charmed lives. They've never been told "No."
Maddox: Like that dipshit who shot up all the…you know, the college in Santa Barbara.
Maddox: That guy was never told "No." You know, yeah, he was a misogynist, but he was also an entitled shithead who felt entitled to everything in his life. These are the people who aren't vaccinating their children. And according to Washington Post, "No group within the county has lower immunization rates than residents living between Malibu and Marina Del Rey, home to some of the wealthiest and most exclusive suburbs in the country." At the Kabbala Children's Academy in Beverly Hills, for example? 57% of the children are unvaccinated, and at the Waldorf Early Childhood Center in Santa Monica, 68%.
Sean: Well, it spread like a disease through the…through that community, too.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Sean: Because they're just talking…"Oh, I'm not immunizing…I'm not vaccinating my kid."
Sean: Then, "Oh, I'm not either. I've…" and they get to together and they just…you know, what's the Winston Churchill quote, "A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth can put its pants on."
Sean: It's like, the shit just spreads like wildfire.
Maddox: That's a good quote. Um, yeah. So these are killing more people…you know how many people died nationally in 2010 from school shootings? Seven.
Maddox: Seven kids! So, 10 just in California, 10 died from whooping cough, yet that's not on the fucking headlines, but uh…"We got a school shooting! Seven kids died! Let's make a big fucking deal out of it!"
Dick: I know what you're saying! Everybody just shut up with the anti-gun stuff…(all crack up) Fucking cool it, you're a part of the problem. Period. I didn't have a second part of that.
Asterios: Well, that is super indicative, because, it's like, you could tell a gun nut the statistic that, "You are four times more likely to die by your own hand if you have a gun in your house." But it's like, that's not gonna stop someone that wants a gun.
Asterios: They just want the gun.
Maddox: Yeah, of course.
Maddox: I just wanna end on this note here. There's a couple of dangerous websites out there. And I rarely would ever classify a website as dangerous, but this is dangerous in terms of just the misinformation and how much traffic these websites get. There's one that's called http://www.realfarmacy.com. They have an article titled "US government openly admits vaccines are seriously harming children." They didn't. That's not true. It's total misinformation and lies. And another one is worldtruth.tv. Guys, if you link to worldtruth.tv on my fucking Facebook wall, I'm going to…you know what? I'm not going to delete you, but I'm gonna berate you, because you're fucking morons. I get those…like, four or five times…they're conspiracy dipshits, these are the Alex Jones nutjobs. These are the people…you know, the Bilderberg Group dumbasses, and uh…the World Trade Center Seventh Tower bullshit morons.
Asterios: Uh, excuse me. To be fair, the lizard people are coming. (Maddox laughs) And if we don't prepare now, it will be too late.
(Sound effect: Asterios: "CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBER DEMON!") (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: Says Asterios. So, yeah. Worldtruth.tv. Don't go to that website. It's full of bullshit and lies. And I wouldn't even say half-truths. Maybe quarter truths? Tenth truths? If that's a thing?
Asterios: Lies sell. It's like, I bet those sites do really good traffic and get really good ROI on those banners. It's like, you know. People want to fucking believe it. The problem with this anti-vaccine thing, unfortunately, is it doesn't just affect you, these kids don't have a say. Like, these kids can't advocate on their own behalf. They're just gonna grow up disadvantaged and some of them are gonna be seriously hurt. I think I read in Slate, there was an account from a woman who grew up unvaccinated and got polio, and this is 2014.
Asterios: She has fucking polio in 2014.
Maddox: That sucks.
Asterios: And she's like "Every day of my life is really hard." And so, you know, it sucks, because her parents didn't want to believe, and now she's gotta pay the price. And because we're talking about communicable diseases, you could vaccinate your kids 18 times, and it doesn't matter. An unvaccinated kid can hurt your vaccinated kid. So, it's fucking terrible.
Maddox: It's a shitty, selfish thing done by shitty, selfish people.
Asterios: Yeah. Rich people.
Dick: Yeah. It's like not getting an STD test when you think you might have an STD, right you guys? (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Wait, what?
Maddox: Dick! What's the story?
Asterios: (to Maddox) Did you do that?!
Maddox: No! No!
Asterios: What are we talking about here?
Maddox: Dick is…yeah!
Dick: I'll tell it next time.
Maddox: Oh boy. Oh boy. Here we go. Alright, so what are the problems this week?
Dick: Problems are…um, how did I say it? Nut Hugging…(Asterios and Maddox crack up) hold on, I wrote it down.
Maddox: Dick changed it.
Asterios: I might vote for Dick's even though I disagree…I might vote for Dick's problem just 'cause I think his title is funny.
Maddox: It is funny.
Dick: "Nut Hugging Android Fanboy Cheerleaders Like You…" (Asterios laughs) "Who Would Rather Jerk Off Over Features and Stats In Their Basements While They're Building Their Fucking Superpowered PCs……" Bleeeeeeeeeeeehhhh."…Than Talk to a Woman on the Phone."
Maddox: Yeah. You want all that in the title?
Dick: You know, whatever.
Asterios: I do.
Maddox: Asshole. Great.
Asterios: That would be great.
Dick: "Nut Hugging Android Fanboys?"
Maddox: Why don't we put the entire transcript of the episode as your problem. It's so fucking long.
Dick: You know what, I read the transcript…have you ever read our transcripts?
Maddox: Oh yeah, it's great.
Dick: Have you read the transcripts? It's funny…I was reading it, like, just to see what it looked like? And I got sucked in. (Asterios scoffs, laughs) While I was reading it.
Dick: Who does them? Laurie Foster? Is that her name?
Maddox: Laurie…there's two people doing 'em right now, Megan Pennock and Laurie Foster. Laurie Foster's been doing them for a long time and Megan's just started doing them as well, but yeah, thanks to those guys. They're doing a great job.
Dick: So, I was reading them, and I noticed that they throw in, like these little comments, like "smiling" in parentheses…(Asterios and Maddox laugh) Like, so I'm reading this, like smiling? What the fuck? What did I say…that, like…"sarcastically". Like they throw in all these little editorial things.
Maddox: Uh-huh. It's great.
Asterios: That's awesome!
Sean: That's necessary. Absolutely.
Sean: Because people who are reading this are not hearing, you know, the tone of your voice, so it's like they…
Sean: They need to interpret that.
Dick: And then I got halfway through and I was like "Man, I wish someone could read this to me, 'cause I'm sick of reading it." (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty. Hey, http://www.audible.com, huh?
Dick: Yeah, I was wondering if it said http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest.
Asterios: I wonder if people are gonna start staging episodes of the show like plays in black box theaters. 'Cause with the transcript, that's all you'd need!
Maddox: That'd be incredible. Oh man, if we had like a dramatic reading of our parts? Especially our angry, sweaty rants…
Maddox: Like, back and forth at each other about stupid shit like, being "a road rage" (Asterios cracks up)
Dick: You are a…have you got that checked out yet?
Maddox: Oh, with the…
Dick: Your road rage disease?
Dick: That's communicable! That's more communicable than measles, probably. I don't know.
Maddox: Well, apparently every BMW driver has it! (Asterios laughs, clapping)
Dick: "Nut Hugging Android Fanboys" is my problem.
Maddox: Okay, we got it. (exasperated) And then mine is "Anti-Vaxxers".
Dick: Well, Asterios too.
Asterios: Yeah, I got "Toms Shoes.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Toms Shoes." Asterios has "Toms Shoes".
Asterios: Yes. "Toms Shoes."
Maddox: And "Anti-Vaxxers" is my problem this week. And I also want to say, thanks again for coming in and we want to plug your mini-comic that you just released. It's "Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man", which sounds hilarious. They all sound like my friends, by the way.
Asterios: Uhh, a lot of them are your friends. (grinning)
Asterios: I based all of these Mega Man villains on comedians I know.
Dick: Ooooohhhhhhhh! (taunting) (Maddox laughing)
Asterios: Yes, absolutely. So, buy the comic at http://www.devastatorpress.com/megaman, and go through it and see if you can figure out who is who.
Dick: So, what are your…which one is your favorite? What's your favorite "Twenty-Something Mega Man" villain?
Asterios: I think my favorite…I think it would be a tie between "Won't Stop Talking About His Open Marriage Man" (Maddox laughing) and "Really Hardcore About Karaoke Man". I think those two guys really…
Dick: Oh, God.
Asterios: Yeah, can you see the LA douches these people are based on?
Maddox: Yeah...(hangdog) So many douchebags, like the Hardcore Karaoke Guy, I didn't know existed until I moved out here.
Asterios: Uuuuugh, I know.
Maddox: And started, like, talking to these weirdos, who were just like (silly hardcore voice) "Oh man, you gotta come to karaoke every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Monday…" (Asterios cracks up laughing) (Maddox laughs) (continues silly voice) "You know, we go to Japan Town, Little Tokyo, Vietnamese Town…" all these…every little pocket. They know everywhere there's karaoke all the time and I don't wanna know any of them because I never want to go…
Asterios: Any time someone has their karaoke go-to…it's like, I don't want to hang out with that person.
Asterios: Yeah, like you know…uggh (shudders), my God. Ugh.
Dick: I like the open relationship one. Have you ever hooked up with a girl who's been in an open relationship?
Maddox: Uh, you know, I've talked to a few of them on dating sites, and I…
Dick: Did they talk about anything that wasn't their open relationship?
Maddox: (annoyed) No. Never. It's always that. Full time. "Oh, this is what we do. Here's our arrangement. This is blablablablablabla." I'm like, alright, alright, I get it. I get it. We're just gonna hook up. That's what this is. Real quick, I'm sorry Asterios, the computer that we're recording this on, a Mac, froze during this recording, so, sorry, what were you saying?
Sean: 'Cause the drive's full.
Dick: If I could just say…(excited)…how fucking happy this "Nut Hugging Android Fanboy" is that a working professional engineer, Sean, customized these settings for YOU for our fucking guest, our wonderful guest!
Asterios: Thank you.
Dick: You are GLEEFUL that something he did has caused a small, small technical interruption! (yelling)
Maddox: No. No!
Asterios: I want to back that up and say that if we had lost this ENTIRE episode due to that crash, it would have been worth it for you to have been "right" in that moment! (yelling)
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. That's what you think is right.
Dick: What just happened.
Maddox: I am the pettiest man.
Dick: A small technical difficulty. (Asterios laughing)
Maddox: I am sooo petty. But here's the thing. Sean's a professional. It's not his fault! It's Apple's fault for making shitty hardware that "Just works". Right? Idiots.
Sean: It was a hard…it was a space on the hard drive issue! Hard drive space is hard drive space.
Maddox: Ohhhh. (taunt) I guess so.
Asterios: (interjects) It's PORNOGRAPHY'S fault!
Maddox: Sure! You know? But it's still recording somehow, so something happened that still…that broke it down during the middle of a recording.
Sean: That's why we'd better end it. (laughs)
Maddox: Okay. Android…
Asterios: Let's go let's go let's go!! Aaaaaaaahhhh!!
Maddox: Alright guys.
Dick: Thank you, Asterios, for being here.
Maddox: Thank you for being here.
Asterios: Thank you guys.
Dick: Come by anytime, please.
Asterios: Thanks so much. Thank you, that's so nice.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Yeah, so, check it out. Uh, http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. Vote on these problems. We'll link to Asterios' mini-comic and thanks for listening!