Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 100!!
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock
Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Solution theme riff starts)
Today’s show is brought to you by…our own bonus episode!
“Dick: Are you talking about you?
Maddox: No, I didn’t run away from home. I did move out pretty abruptly. Actually, would that count as running away from home? Nah.
Dick: Did you tell them?
Dick: Did you tell your family you were moving out abruptly, or did you just leave?
Maddox: I think my last words were “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.” (laughing) And then I got my…
Dick: (interjects) I’m running away? (they crack up) That’s a…you ran away!!
Maddox: The Voyager’s not 20 BILLION miles away from the sun!!
Dick: Oh, you’d better be right!
Dick: After LAST month.
Maddox: It’s not…I don’t. I will put MONEY on it that it’s not 20 billion miles…
Dick: How much money?
Maddox: 12 bucks. (laughing)
Dick: Wait a minute. Okay. 12 bucks.
Maddox: He made a rat enclosure that was basically, like, a rat Caesar’s palace.
Dick: Lil’ fountain?
Maddox: Lot of toys. Little fountain.
Dick: Little Blackjack. Little rat Blackjack?
Maddox: Got a little rat Blackjack. Uh-huh.
Dick: Little Bacca-rat? (they giggle)
Maddox: Baccarat!!! (laughs)
Dick: Before the pizza tracker, you just sat in your apartment after you…you didn’t even know if the pizza was coming.
Maddox: Well, what do you think, they have their ovens synced up with some, like, fucking Wi-Fi thing that’s updating a server all day?!!?
Dick: They just click a button!
Sean: They push a button!
Dick: Yeah, they push a button on the point of sale system!! The same thing that prints out what’s on the pizza, and then it updates the system…and then…
Maddox: I’m skeptical.
Dick: Oh, you’re such a fucking cynic!! (they laugh) You’re such a cynic!! Oculus Rift, you’ll believe that plugs right into your brain.
Maddox: Yeah. Yes.
Dick: But a pizza tracker where you have to PRESS A BUTTON.
Maddox: No. That’s way out of…(laughs)
Sean: Man on the moon, yes.
Sean: Pizza tracker, no.
Dick: No way!!
Maddox: No way!!
Dick: Absolutely not!
Maddox: ‘Cause it just doesn’t seem efficient!! (Dick cracks up) They’re gonna pay a bunch of workers standing around, pressing buttons all day!!
Dick: Pressing…but they have to press them anyway!!! (Maddox laughs)
Sean: It’s the same people making your pizza!!!!
Maddox: And he was just saving every single paycheck, until he said, “I’m just gonna try to get an apartment and a girlfriend.” And eventually, he did. It doesn’t fit the predisposed notion that you have of homelessness.
Sean: How’s he gonna hang onto the money with a girlfriend? (Dick cracks up)
Now available at http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from AIDS to Zits!
Maddox: With over 6 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: What’s up, buddy? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Big episode 100. We did it!
Maddox: Anniversary episode.
Dick: That’s it! Let’s go.
Dick: Let’s leave right now.
Maddox: Done! We got Handy Randy in the studio! This is gonna be a big one, guys. Dick, we’ve been doing this for a long time, and every now and then, I like to go back and listen to old episodes.
Maddox: And..we sou…I think our voices have improved a lot. Our radio voices.
Dick: Yeah. Uh, the first ones are unlistenable.
Dick: (stammers) They’re shameful. They should be taken off the Internet.
Maddox: And occasionally, I’ll meet somebody at a party, or a wedding or something, somewhere, and they’ll say, “What do you do?” and I mention the podcast. And…they say, “Oh, I’ll go listen to it! I’ll listen from Episode #1 and I’ll go all the way through.”
Maddox: And I say, “Please don’t.”
Sean: Don’t do it from Episode 1!
Dick: No, don’t. Don’t do that.
Maddox: Start at the…
Sean: (interjects) About 50.
Maddox: (giggles) Start at the newest episode…what episode do you recommend people listen to when…
Dick: (interjects) The newest one, always.
Maddox: Really? Always the newest?
Dick: Always the newest one, yeah.
Maddox: I usually recommend…
Dick: (interjects) Or 69.
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.
Sean: That was a good episode!
Dick: It was a good episode!! Why are you laughing?
Maddox: The sex episode. I remember that.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: We…I usually recommend Episode 21. Actually, Episode 10. I believe that was with Ryan Holiday. People really liked that episode.
Sean: Good one.
Maddox: Yeah. And I think Episode 21 was the first time Asterios was on the show. That one was a lot of fun.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Sean: So stop at 20.
Maddox: (giggles) Episode 65 was really good. Episode 65 I think was a fan favorite. That was the one we did Death and Hoverboards.
Sean: There was a few in the early 70s, I think, that were really good.
Sean: If I remember right. But are they…are the first ones that tough to listen to?
Sean: I think I went back and everything is just more sedated. You know? You think there’s all this excitement, but it doesn’t come across until you…
Dick: (interjects) Although, that’s not necessarily a problem. I played the last episode for my life coach a couple of days ago.
Dick: He was over drinking. And he got through like, a minute and a half, and he goes, “There’s too much shouting.” (Maddox and Sean laugh) I don’t wanna listen to this anymore.
Dick: Okay, well.
Maddox: There you go. Alright, guys. Well, I have a REALLY big announcement to make.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: I’ve been wanting to mention this on the podcast. Been in the works for a while. I’m launching a radio network! An entire podcast radio network. So…the Biggest Problem in the Universe, first podcast, obviously. And there’s gonna be a second one coming soon. And there’s just gonna be more. The entire network’s gonna grow.
Maddox: Yeah, so that’s…that’s something to look forward to. It’s coming down the line. I’m looking at, uh…possibly
Dick: (interjects) Uh-oh. Be careful. (Maddox laughs) You don’t see…you already sold it. You don’t need to continue selling it with dates.
Sean: Let’s not write checks our asses can’t cash.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. I already got a book…(laughing)
Dick: What’s gonna come out first, the network, or the book?
Maddox: I’ll tell you what’s gonna come out first. Dark Souls III. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: And, so, neither. Neither one’s gonna come out. This is just gonna be a big disappointment for everyone involved. But Dick…I mentioned weddings. Over the weekend, I went to a wedding. And I didn’t know this, but…I dressed up as a cowboy. Uh, for this wedding. It was cowboy-themed, right?
Dick: The wedding was cowboy-themed, or you were cowboy-themed?
Maddox: Well…(giggles) turns out, I was cowboy-themed. (giggles) I showed up to the wedding, the only one dressed as a cowboy.
Dick: Why would you think a wedding is cowboy-themed?
Maddox: ‘Cause I glanced at the invitation, and I read the word “cowboy” on it somewhere. I’m like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Cowboy. Got it. And so I show up with a cowboy hat…cowboy shirt.
Sean: Oh, my God.
Maddox: Only one at the wedding. And I kept going up to people. I’m like, “Yeah, I guess I’m the only one who committed to this.” And they’re like, “Committed to what?” And so I go home and I…(stammers) I think my…
Dick: (interjects) Why did you keep the hat on? Once you realized the mistake? (background laughter) Why did you keep the hat?
Sean: (interjects) ‘Cause then he just looks like a shittily dressed person and not somebody in costume.
Dick: Yeah, then he just looks like a guy with bolo tie?
Dick: That’s not as bad as…(they laugh) I think you just wanted to upstage the bride at her own wedding.
Sean: Did you have, like, a checkered shirt?
Dick: By showing up in a weird costume. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Oh, buddy. Any wedding I’m at, I’m always upstaging the bride.
Dick: Well, tchyeah. (Maddox laughs) ‘Cause you act like a jackass!!!
Sean: Sounds like you upstaged yourself on this one.
Maddox: Yeah, well…uh, I checked the invitation and it…it actually didn’t say it was a cowboy-themed wedding. It said there were drinks the night before that were at this place that was kind of rustic and cowboy-themed.
Maddox: But they didn’t tell anyone specifically to dress like a cowboy.
Sean: Was it like Saddle Ranch or something?
Dick: What was the word cowboy doing?
Maddox: Uh, they just mentioned that it’s a really chill atmosphere, think “cowboys”. And that’s all I read. I read “cowboy”, and I thought, “Okay, it’s cowboy-themed. Done.”
Dick: Oh, my God. (Maddox chuckles)
Sean: And there couldn’t have been more than, like, 50 words on the invitation, right?
Dick: No! And it’s like that’s the only important thing to get out of a wedding invitation is the dress code. Like, is it formal…is it not formal…is it cowboy-themed? Like, that’s the only…the date and the dress code is all you need to look at.
Maddox: Yeah. Well…I didn’t.
Maddox: Dick, moving on.
Dick: Yeah. How’d we do last time?
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe…
(Sound effect: Cymbal)
Maddox: From last week. Was…Facebook Video. Followed by…
Maddox: Yeah. Facebook video.
Maddox: A lot of people…(stammers) you know what? NOW you’re on the receiving end of something that’s a minor annoyance that shouldn’t be…well, I guess, and then followed by Banging Your Funny Bone, so…(laughs)
Dick: It’s a pretty big annoyance.
Maddox: And then dead last was Political Satire. Which…wasn’t even a problem. It’s got -3 at the time of this recording. Dick, uh, political satire. So last episode, it was pretty controversial. A lot of people were saying…I guess you and Asterios were saying that Jon Oliver is a journalist, or is pretending to be, right?
Dick: Yeah, I think him and John Stewart pretend to be journalists. I think they present news. That’s not arguable. They present news. People get news from them. And then they intersperse it with…cunty comments. And that’s…they just…they’re bad journalists. They’re bad journalists who happen to be funny. They’re not comedians mocking the news. Like, Weekend Update on SNL…that’s…that’s a mockery of a news program.
Maddox: Well, uh…I looked into it, and Jon Oliver…’cause I could’ve sworn he’d mentioned that he wasn’t a journalist. Here’s a clip.
(Clip starts: Jon Oliver: “You’re right! I’m not a respected journalist, because I’m not a journalist.”
Male voice: “Are you a journalist?”
Jon Oliver: No!! No, I’m not. No, I’m a comedian.”)
Dick: Now…then he goes and interviews Henry Kissinger or some senator. Like, that’s…that’s their ploy. They SAY that…and then they…(stammers) I don’t wanna….I don’t wanna get into it again.
Maddox: Oh, we’re getting into it…
Dick: (interjects) I just disagree with him!
Maddox: …’cause I brought some stats, buddy!! There’s this guy, his name is Jorge Roman. He sent me an email. He sent me a link to the…Harvard Crimson. This article called “Political Satire: Beyond the Humor”. Now, one of the big problems I guess Asterios was making and I guess you were agreeing with him last episode, is that political satire doesn’t change anyone’s minds.
Dick: (interjects) Well, I thought about it since, too. I think…I mean, unless you just wanna keep rolling with that. I don’t necessarily agree with what we were saying last time as it pertains to political satire. ‘Cause I was trying to think afterwards, like, what is political satire? And then I realized that all of my favorite artistic works are political satire. Like Catch-22. 1984.
Dick: That libertarian police article. Did you ever read that? About…it’s like a libertarian dystopia.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: What would happen if a cop was, like…if the entire government was run…
Dick: With these insane libertarian ideas.
Dick: Like, the cop is in his car shooting up heroin, and he shows up to arrest somebody and then he has to get paid.
Dick: And he has to put, like, a quarter in his gun to shoot it. It’s hilarious! And I love it.
Dick: That’s political satire. This…I think this Jon Oliver/John Stewart thing is a different type of problem.
Maddox: Uh, well…so one of the things that Asterios kept saying is it doesn’t change people’s minds, and I kept saying there’s no…you brought in no evidence. This is totally unsubstantiated.
Maddox: And one of the comments I kept reading over and over in the Comments section, and this is how I feel myself, is that it may not necessarily change your mind, but…it can get you to…first of all, think about these stories and these issues, and then further research them, and I found lots of people saying that even though they are not persuaded by political satire, they then do research that does persuade them. Anyway, so this article here, from the Harvard Crimson. It’s called Political Satire: Beyond the Humor. “In January 2012, Stephen Colbert launched the Colbert SuperPAC on his late night talk show, the Colbert Report, lambasting the rules governing formation of and coordination of political action committees.” So supercommittees…the SuperPACS started becoming a thing. They lessened the legislation. They loosened the laws for the legislation for SuperPACS. “And surprisingly, Colbert succeeded where many authentic news sources have not in explaining the inconsistencies in and implications of laws governing PACs clearly.” So that’s something that Stephen Colbert was able to do on his program.
Maddox: Because he has a comedy show, he’s able to come out and say, “Guys, I’m creating a Super PAC. And all the money that you donate to me…he was lampooning the ridiculous rules of super PACS, where supposedly they’re supposed to be independent of a candidate, right? So anyone can form a Super PAC, dump as MUCH money into politics that they want.
Maddox: And then…
Dick: Freedom of speech.
Maddox: Because they have this rule that says, “Well, the Super PAC can’t communicate directly with a politician.” Right? That’s the…
Maddox: And then…Stephen Colbert…
Dick: (interjects) Seems stupid.
Maddox: Yeah. Of course. And Stephen Colbert pointed it out specifically by creating a super PAC and then nominating all the funds to go to John Stewart.
Maddox: And then he would give secret messages on his show to John Stewart of what to do, because that’s exactly what super PACS were doing.
Dick: Right, it’s stupid.
Maddox: That’s…that is something. That entire procedure is something you would never see on the nightly news. And then they said here, “Less than half of the viewers of the Daily Show and Colbert Report are liberals. In fact, 38% of the viewers of Colbert Report, as well as 41% of those watching the Daily Show consider themselves independents.
Sean: I think a lot more people nowadays, since they’re so disillusioned with both parties, both major parties, they identify as independents. A lot more than they used to.
Sean: Back in like…I think it was, like, 30 or 40 years ago, it was something like 92% of the US population identified with one party or the other.
Dick: When was that?
Sean: Something like 35 to 40 years ago.
Dick: Oh, that’s interesting.
Sean: And now it’s a LOT less.
Sean: The independent movement has grown a ton.
Sean: Sorry, that’s…
Dick: (interjects) They’re very disenfranchised.
Sean: For sure.
Dick: Right. I got some…you know, I got some…oh. I got some celebrities calling in, congratulating us on our 100 episodes.
Dick: So…last time…
Maddox: (interjects) Got a lot of celebrity listeners to the show.
Dick: Last time I did this. I asked our comedy friends if they would call in and leave a celebrity voice mail.
Dick: You remember how well that worked out for me?
Dick: We got celebrities calling in, such as the Emperor from Star Wars.
Maddox: Oh, big celebrity.
Dick: Right? Big celebrity.
Sean: I remember Sean Connery last time.
Dick: Uh, he called in about 70 times.
Sean: Oh, he did it this time?
Dick: No, no, no. He did not call…this time, I think it’s even worse. So this time I said…”Well, I’ll put it to the fans. They couldn’t do a worse job than these comedy guys calling in with Star Wars references.”
Dick: Right? (background laughter) So I put it to the fans. Like, “Hey guys. Why don’t you call in this time, ‘cause these comedy guys, they can’t do anything right.”
Sean: And they COULD do it worse?
Dick: They could do it worse. (Sean cracks up) As it turns out. Uh…let’s see.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Oh, wow. Listen to that. YEAH!! Who are these guys? Maddox? Dick? It’s Al Pacino!!! (they crack up) I listen to your podcast, and it’s a huge piece of shit!”)
Dick: Al Pacino.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Big fan of the…
Dick: (interjects) Thanks a lot. Okay, here’s one. See if you recognize this voice.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hello. This is presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, and this is how I talk. (Maddox giggles) I just wanted to congratulate you both on 100 episodes. Even if there’s some conservative rhetoric thrown around here, I do enjoy the banter. I do believe that the bonus episodes are marginalizing the lower and middle class, though. Bonus episodes should be free to everyone and a basic human right. Dick, your libertarian views can go fuck themselves.”)
Maddox: That’s exactly what I would expect Bernie Sanders to say. As a fan and listener of this show.
Dick: Here’s a more recognizable voice for you.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hi, this is Mr. T. (Sean cracks up because he sounds nothing like Mr. T) I just wanna congratulate Dick and Maddox on 100 episodes. (Maddox giggles) and I pity the fool who don’t listen to your podcast.”)
Maddox: (giggles) Nailed it!
Dick: I mean, he got the important parts, right?
Maddox: That’s the WHITEST Mr. T I’ve ever heard.
Dick: Okay. I’ll play some more of these as we go.
Maddox: I got…so, Dick, you mentioned Star Wars references. I got…I got a little bit for you.
(Star Wars Imperial March begins to play)
Dick: Oh. I know you didn’t make this. It sounds good.
Maddox: Wait. Wait for it. (giggles) You spoke too soon.
(Imperial March continues, voice starts to “sing” with the melody…”Dick, Dick, Dick, Versus Dick. Versus Dick.”
Dick: Still sounds good!
“Dick, Dick, Dick, Versus Dick. Versus Dick!!! Dick…argues like a chimpanzee, a face you can barely see…oh, Dick contradicts, contradiiiiiiicts!!” (they all laugh)
Dick: Oh, that’s good.
“He is a man bun-wearing douche, a man with many truths, ‘cause Dick contradicts, contradiiiiiiiiicts!!”)
Dick: A little long.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Well. (satisfied) Well, buddy. (Dick laughs) This is…I got the mother…
Dick: (interjects) You should have kept them all as Dick Versus Dick instead of trying to change it. It would’ve been funny.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I got the mother of all Dick Versus Dicks.
Maddox: Coming up here. Alright? A number of people have noticed this. Uh…they sent this in. But I found this old quote from an author. An author who I respect and love. And he said this in his book.
Sean: Is it Maddox?
Maddox: (laughing) It is me. But the other quote is from Dick. Here’s what he said in his book. Listen to this.
(Clip starts: Female voice with British accent: “Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects, like Donald Trump, believes in New Age crap?”)
Dick: I said that?
Maddox: You said that.
Dick: Oh. (surprised)
Maddox: That’s from your book, Men are Better than Women.
Dick: Why would I talk about Trump? (Maddox laughs) I…I said Donald Trump in my book?!
Maddox: Yeah!! (Dick cracks up laughing)
Dick: That’s awesome.
Sean: Wait, what if his views have EVOLVED?
Dick: No, my views have not evolved. (they crack up)
Maddox: No, they’ve devolved, Sean.
Sean: Trying to give you an out, here.
Maddox: They’ve clearly devolved.
Dick: I wrote that entire book on the liquor. That’s when I do my best thinking.
Dick: That will…(stammers) evolve is the wrong word. I asymptotically approach perfection as I get on the liquor, and that entire book is as close as you can get. Go, please go ahead.
Maddox: Very debatable about that whole entire statement. But yeah, that’s…thank you to Alex Bevin for reading that. She sent that in. But…yeah.
Dick: Hah! I can’t believe that. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah!! She…you said that…
Dick: That’s great! I’ve been a Trumpeter for longer than I even know.
Maddox: No, you said…(giggles) You said people who no one respect, like Donald Trump.
Dick: Believe in New Age crap?
Dick: Say that again.
Maddox: Here’s the clip again.
Sean: Does he believe in New Age crap?
(Clip starts: Female voice with British accent: “Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects, like Donald Trump, believes in New Age crap?”)
Dick: No, I think I’m saying that Trump doesn’t believe in it.
Maddox: No, no, no.
Dick: Well, I wrote it, so I’ll tell you what I meant.
Maddox: (stammers) Here’s the…like, the full quote. The context was…you were talking about why people would read this book, and you were saying women would never read this book, because they believe in…they get their inspiration. Lemme read the entire context. It’s…
Dick: (interjects) No, I wrote it! I’ll tell you what it is!
Maddox: Okay, what?
Dick: No one who anyone respects, meaning respects is the operative word, like Donald Trump. (Maddox groans) Who people respects. Belie…people respect.
Maddox: That’s not what you said. That’s not what you said!
Maddox: I have the exact quote.
Sean: Wouldn’t it be…
Dick: (interjects) Maddox! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re telling me Dick Masterson, the author of Men are Better than Women, would shit on DONALD TRUMP in a book!? (Sean cracks up)
Maddox: You did!!
Dick: Are you fucking retarded?!
Maddox: You did!! (laughs)
Dick: The joke is that I would treat him like a god! That’s the joke!
Maddox: No!! No, no. Here…lemme read the exact quote!
Dick: Why would it…it’s not funny if I shit on Donald Trump in that book! The whole point of the book is, like, ultra-hardcore-conservative. And like…worshipping money and business!!
Maddox: That’s not what you said.
Dick: Trump…Trump is a better character than me!!!!
Maddox: Here is exactly what you said. “Women, feel free to broaden your horizons with other New Age monkey shit. Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects…”
Dick: (interjects) No, respects!
Maddox: (interjects) Lemme finish this…I’m gonna finish the quote.
Dick: Everyone fucking heard you! Just don’t repeat yourself!! (yells)
Maddox: No, because the full quo…the full quote in context here.
Dick: (guffaws) Bring a linguistic in here. The right to bear arms?! What does that mean?!
Maddox: Okay. Can I finish this?
Dick: You just…you’ve said it like three times! You’re gonna say it again?
Maddox: No, I’m reading the EXACT quote, ‘cause I…
Dick: (interjects) Go ahead!
Maddox: I paraphrased. Here’s the exact…
Dick: (interjects) Go ahead!!
Maddox: (Sean laughs) Here’s the exact quote. “Ever wonder why no one who anyone respects, like your father, or Donald Trump, buys into that crap?”
Dick: Your fa…I’m equating Donald Trump to your father, right? Who everyone respects, shithead!
Maddox: No…no one respects. You’re saying people DO respect new age crap, or not?
Dick: No, I’m saying that you need to work on your reading comprehension skills. I’m equating father, who, in the book Men are Better than Women, the father is about as respectful as you can get! I’m equating your father and Donald Trump. The joke there is that I’m implying Donald Trump is my father. That’s the joke!
Maddox: Okay. Good joke. (Dick guffaws) I got a song here from Victor Anderson. (Dick sighs) Check this out. I think you’ll like this one.
(Song starts, gentle music, edit of Part Of Your World from Disney’s The Little Mermaid. , All CAPS is DICK’S VOICE INTERJECTED:
“Look at this COCK, isn’t it SHORT.” (they all laugh) “Wouldn’t you think my COCK IS THE SAME SIZE AS THE BALLS.” (Dick cracks up) (Ariel continues to sing) “Every COCK.” (they laugh)
Dick: Every cock?
“Treasures untold…how many BALLS…can one PEEHOLE hold?” (they giggle)
“Looking around here you’d think, sure she’s got a SHORT COCK OR LIMP COCK. (they crack up) BOTH OF WHICH I’M OFFENDED BY.”
Maddox: Good song.
Dick: Break down.
Maddox: Yeah. (Music continues)
Dick: Oh, is that it?
Maddox: Yeah. (Song ends) That’s by Victor Anderson. Thank you, Victor!!
Dick: Alright, I got another song from Grant Mooney.
(Pinky and the Brain theme starts:
Dick: “Hey, what’s up, buddy?”
Maddox: “We’re trying to find the biggest problem in the universe.”
“Maddox and the Dick. They’re Maddox and they’re Dick. One thinks he’s a genius, the other’s a…dick.” (Maddox laughs)
“30-something year old, whitish maaaaaaales. They’re Maddox. They’re Maddox and they’re Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Dick!”
“With the help of Asterios…” (“I’M A DIGITAL CYBERDEMON!!!”) “They bitch, complain, and moan…and before the time has come, Sean deletes the episode!”
(Dick cracks up)
“They’re Maddox and the Dick. It’s Maddox and the Dick. One is an asshole, the other’s a prick!”
Dick: Oh, there you go!!
“Their problems are the worst…in the universe! They’re Maddox. They’re Maddox and they’re Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick. Dick!!”
Maddox: Wow. Congrats. Thank you, Grant Mooney. That’s your magnum opus!! The best thing you’ve ever done, easily. (they laugh)
Dick: That’s a pretty good song.
Maddox: Easily. Of the two things…(laughs)
Dick: Oh, okay. I see what you…yeah.
Sean: You said it so angry. The BEST thing you’ve ever DONE.
Dick: Yeah, I know! (laughing)
Sean: Or WILL ever do!!
Dick: I got way too much shit here. A bunch of guests called into to congratulate us, but…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, my gosh, we got so…this is so top heavy.
Maddox: Uh, we got a couple packages, too!
Dick: Let’s open ‘em at the end. Need to get to some problems, here.
Maddox: Well, what if it’s something we can use throughout the episode?
Maddox: Let’s…let’s look at a couple.
Dick: Let’s open up the presents. Thank God someone got them, because someone forgot to go to the P.O. box to get all these 100th episode presents!!
Sean: Look at how much barbecue sauce is spilling outta that!
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles) (crumpling) Um, oh, wow. We got a lot of packages, here. Look at this. These are all gift wrapped!!
Maddox: So you know a girl sent these to us!
Dick: Yeah. (giggles) ‘Cause they’re not broken all over the box?
Maddox: (chuckles) We got one for Sean, here you go, Sean. It’s light. Yeah. Let’s see. We got one for Dick!
Dick: Oh, great.
Maddox: There you go. And a big one for me!!! Ahhhhh, yeah!
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, big one like my dick!
Dick: Who is this from?!
Sean: Oh my God, there’s, like, a note written on the outside of the package here.
Maddox: It’s from Samantha and Cameron. Oh, actually, the big one says it’s for Maddox, Dick, and Sean. It’s on the ground. Here we go. And then there’s one in here for me, too. It says, “Maddox, from Sam. Maddox, I know how much you love lampooning some poor grandma’s outdated sense of fashion. Sam.” And she sent me this package here.
Dick: Let’s see what you got.
Maddox: Oh!! It’s the Ugly Holiday Sweater catalog.
Dick: Oh, coloring book.
Maddox: Oh, it’s a coloring book!!!
Dick: You’re gonna love that.
Maddox: Fantastic! I love it. PERFECT. This is exactly what I want! A fucking coloring book! (angry)
Dick: Here’s mine…(giggles) “Dick, we know you’ll enjoy wearing this little number to show your pride in the brand and attract fellow connoisseurs of fine, whiskey-based liqueurs. Cameron and Sam.”
Maddox: What’s the shirt?
Dick: It’s a T-shirt. Oh, Fireball Whiskey. Goddamnit. (Maddox cracks up) It’s got a piece of cinnamon in it. Hey!!! Let’s trade. Uh, you like Fireball Whiskey, and I like dating 18-year-olds, so…(Maddox chuckles) They’ll love coloring books.
Maddox: Here’s your grandma coloring book, yeah. Perfect.
Dick: Thank you. Great. Thanks Cameron and Sam, that really backfired on you. (Maddox cracks up) We both are satisfied with each other’s presents now.
Maddox: We’re both very happy now. (crumpling)
Dick: Sean, read your card.
Sean: Okay. It’s stuck to the outside of what looks like the smallest Chinese food box I’ve ever seen. (Maddox chuckles) Seriously! It’s got the little metal thing on top and everything. Uh, it says…it’s from Cameron. It says, “Sean, wow, it’s been 69 episodes since your last audio engineer oopsie.” (they all giggle) This one’s never gonna die. “Assuming you haven’t had another accident since I sent this package. Keep up the good work!” Sarcastic fucker.
Dick: It’s cursive! It’s hard to read, right?
Dick: Big problem.
Sean: It’s tiny.
Sean: “I bought this gift for you…” and it goes around the back “…in case you slip up again” Sorry, I’m having trouble reading this. It, like, wraps around the whole fucking package. “I spared no expense in buying this rare and elusive item.”
Dick: Looks like a long email from the past.
Sean: Yeah. “So I won’t be surprised if you’ve never…” I can’t even see. “Seen one before?”
Maddox: What is it?!
Sean: It’s on the bottom of the fucking package now. (Dick cackles) (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: What’s in the package?!
Sean: So it is an “undelete” key. (they laugh)
Dick: A what?! That exists?!
Sean: It’s a delete key with UN scribbled over it.
Dick: “Un” written on it? Oh. Okay. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. Now, lemme tell you…I’ve never seen a more confused look on Sean’s face. You’ve never seen that key before, Sean.
Sean: No, I haven’t. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Well. (giggles)
Sean: Never have.
Maddox: And then the final package is the big one for all of us. It says, “Well guys, I trust that you’re all content with your personal gifts, but…”
Dick: (interjects) It’s this fucking cursive! We’re illiterate!
Maddox: Yeah. “But Episode 100 is extra special, so I’ve included a bottle of my favorite whiskey. This stuff is near cask strength, so you won’t be a pussy if you add ice to your glass to better taste the natural flavors. Keep up the good work, Cameron. PS…”
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: It’s a double-sided sticky note. “Oh, and I guess feel free to share this bottle with any special studio audience guests…”
Dick: Get a magnifying glass.
Maddox: “Showing you…joining you. Okay. Boisterous Coconuts, Dick’s Man, Erin Tillman, Robin Higgins, Tim Changzzzzz, etc, since they are probably feeling pretty bummed out and jealous about not getting a cool personal gift.” And the whiskey is…Stranahan’s, Colorado Whiskey! Stranahan’s Colorado Whiskey.
Maddox: That looks really good. It’s got a nice amber color to it.
Dick: I’m not a big enough alcoholic to be able to identify whiskey by sight!!! (they laugh)
Sean: You’re working on it.
Maddox: Why would that be the one lie you tell on this show, Dick? (they laugh) But okay, and then the fin…there’s another card. (laughing)
Dick: No, no, no, no. That’s it. That’s it. Two sentences max from now on.
Maddox: “My fiancé and I are big fans of the podcast and wanted to send the gifts to you in honor of episode 100. I recommend opening the big box last.” Oh, that’s what we did!
Dick: Okay. Great.
Maddox: “Assuming it is still intact. Cameron and Sam. PS, I promise it’s neither a severed head or a weapon.” Awesome!!
Sean: Thank you.
Dick: Thank you very much.
Maddox: Well, thank you guys.
Sean: Thanks, Sam. Fuck you, Cameron! (they laugh)
Dick: We got another one?
Maddox: Okay. We got one more package…we’ll open it up at the end of the show. The show’s already very top heavy.
Maddox: Uh, let’s get to the problems. Yeah?
Dick: Yeah. Go ahead!
Maddox: Alright, guys.
Dick: Big, big 100th episode! These…this…these are problems we’ve been saving for 100 episodes!
Dick: Right? (grins)
Maddox: Uh-huh. (grins)
Dick: Go ahead.
Sean: He JUST thought of them at 99. (they laugh)
Maddox: No, Sean. This is one I’ve wanted to bring in for a long time, because I truly believe this is the biggest problem in the universe. If you were to come to me and say “Maddox, independently of your dipshit listeners..” (background giggles) “I want you to go through this list and sort them, from the biggest to smallest.”
Maddox: I’d say about 5 of the top 10 are about accurate. Uh…but…
Dick: Oh, on our list already?
Maddox: Uh…no. Well, yeah. Of the problems we’ve brought in, yes. Of the problems we’ve brought in, yes. Of the problems in the universe, no. Because specifically of the problem I’m bringing in today.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe. Asteroids!!!
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: The video game?
Maddox: No. (laughing) No, Dick!!
Maddox: Asteroids, the…rock. (laughs)
Dick: Hurtling through space.
Maddox: Hurtling through space.
Maddox: Rocks hurtling through space.
Dick: Big problem.
Maddox: It is a REALLY big problem.
Sean: I like this one already. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Yeah? Do you, Sean?
Sean: No, for real.
Maddox: Okay, good. Because it is…it is, in my estimation…there is no bigger problem in the universe for LIFE than asteroids.
Maddox: Because asteroids have the potential to wipe out 100% of life.
Maddox: On any planet. And we don’t even know that there is life on other planets, except for microbes on Mars, and who gives a shit about them?!
Dick: You think there’s life on other planets?
Dick: Yeah. Okay, good.
Maddox: It’s likely.
Dick: Well…I’m gonna go definitely.
Maddox: Well, they foun…I think they confirmed microbes from Mars. They found that. So we know for a fact, yeah.
Maddox: Absolutely. There is life on other planets. But asteroids can wipe all of them out. So, these asteroids that can come and wipe out all the Earth are called extinction-level asteroids.
Maddox: Those are ones that can deva…those are basically the ones that wipe out the dinosaurs.
Maddox: That wiped out, I believe, like, 60%, 70% of the life on Earth at that time.
Dick: Oh, only 60% to 70%?
Maddox: That was still…
Dick: (interjects) Well!! I don’t know, then!! That’s not…you said 100% at first!!!!
Sean: Well, something had to survive.
Maddox: Depends on the…well, depends on the size of the asteroid. If it was bigger, it could potentially have wiped out…it could have shattered our planet. I mean, it could potentially wipe out everything. Everything!!!
Maddox: But that asteroid, at the size that it was…so, um…there was an asteroid, Dick. First of all…uh, the Dino Killer is estimated to have been between 5 and 15 kilometers. That’s 3 to 10 miles. That’s not that big. That’s an asteroid…you can fi…I mean, that’s 3 to 10 miles. Like, we’re not even talking about moon size here.
Maddox: 3 to 10 miles. It’s like from the…the distance of what? Here to Disney Land, isn’t it?
Dick: Those dinosaurs were assholes, though. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Why didn’t you bring them in as a problem?!
Dick: Mmm, well.
Maddox: We don’t know.
Dick: No need, because thankfully, that wonderful asteroid came along and fixed that problem for us. (grins)
Maddox: Oh yeah? You think so?!
Dick: Those dinosaurs were going around eating people left and right!
Sean: Why would you say from here to Disney Land?
Maddox: I don’t know. (background chuckles) What is the…
Sean: That’s, like, not even close.
Dick: That’s not 13 miles. No. (they giggle)
Maddox: Well, an asteroid of THAT size would sure as shit wipe out Earth!
Maddox: I think so!!!
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: But that was only 5 to 10 miles. Okay, guys? Here are some odds for you. Some statistics, right?
Dick: Oh, great. (they crack up) That’ll really make this problem fun!!!
Maddox: (laughing) Fuck you!!
Dick: What are your stats? Like, how likely it is to get hit by an asteroid?
Maddox: Well, here’s the thing. Considering…considering asteroids, like…
Dick: (interjects) Bro, wait a minute. Lemme…lemme…I’m sorry for interrupting.
Dick: You need a new fucking printer.
Maddox: I know.
Dick: Look at this…
Maddox: It’s hard fo…
Dick: You’ve got all these great jokes and statistics.
Maddox: Yeah. (sad)
Dick: But it’s…it’s printed out like a psychopath…it’s printed out and then it’s like you took out half of it with an eraser!
Maddox: I know. It’s hard..it’s hard to read this fucking…
Dick: Randy, can you figure out the printing situation? (Maddox laughs) I mean, we’ve gotta deliver the jokes. The jokes have to be inputted into the computer…and then printed out, and then read into the microphone. There’s a problem with that…that system, right?!
Maddox: Yeah, Randy! Buy me a new printer. Alright, so anyway. So that asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs? Only 3 to 10 miles, 5 to 15 kilometers. That’s not that big, guys. There’s way bigger asteroids. The odds of dying from an asteroid are actually, like, higher than you would think. They’re higher than…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. Well, if they’re over 0, that’s way higher than I think.
Maddox: You think it’s 0? Really?
Dick: Of getting killed by an asteroid?!
Dick: Yes! That’s never happened to anybody!
Maddox: Kay, Dick. Here’s some basic math, okay? Here’s…(Dick giggles) Here’s how you figure this out. The odds of an asteroid impacting Earth is…
Maddox: 100%. It’s gonna happen. ‘Cause it’s happened before.
Maddox: And it’s just…we know it’s gonna happen.
Maddox: It’s just a matter of time. And one of those asteroids, the odds that it is the size of wiping out all of Earth is also 100%. It’s going to…
Dick: (interjects) So that’s the odds that you needed to read off the printer paper!? (grins)
Maddox: No, no, no. (they all laugh) Well, the calculated risk of dying of different sizes of asteroids.
Dick: Okay, good.
Dick: Good, good.
Maddox: Uh, the odds of dying by a terrorist attack is, like, 1 in 80,000 in the US, assuming…
Dick: Really?! That seems high!
Maddox: Well, that’s assuming 9/11 in your lifetime. Assuming another 9/11.
Dick: Another 9/11 in your lifetime.
Maddox: Yeah. Without 9/11, it’s in the millions. It’s actually really low. It’s actually…
Dick: Still seems high, right?
Maddox: 1 in…(stammers) yeah, yeah. It is.
Dick: ‘Cause more toddlers have killed people than terrorists.
Maddox: Sure, sure.
Dick: Americans than terrorists.
Maddox: I wish they didn’t include the 9/11 stats in here, ‘cause that’s such an anomaly. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: But…the asteroid impact…you’re more likely to die from an asteroid. 1 in 720,000. (stammers) and that’s of all sizes, assuming that it wipes out all life on Earth. And amusement park rides, 1 in 1.1 million. So you’re more likely to die from an asteroid than an amusement park, or terrorism!!
Dick: Okay, wait a minute. Pretend that I’m retarded.
Maddox: Okay, done!! (they crack up) You’d have to ask me to stop to pretend!
Dick: How is that remotely possible that the odds of dying…from an asteroid attack are higher than dying on a ride at Disney Land? Or a terrorist attack?
Sean: Are you talking about a function of, like, over millions of years, or since it is DEFINITELY going to happen at some point?
Sean: You’re not talking about in our lifetime. That doesn’t make sense.
Dick: Yeah, I’m definitely not dying from an asteroid.
Maddox: Well, they take the…the total average casualty, right? The casualty rate of an asteroid impact, and then they amortize that over the time period.
Sean: Got it.
Dick: Over how many years?
Maddox: Well, it depends on the size of the asteroid.
Dick: That’s a big “If”, though.
Sean: Got it.
Maddox: Dino-sized asteroids, actually…the biggest threat to Earth are Apollo asteroids.
Maddox: Apollo asteroids are ones that have Earth-crossing orbits. And those are the ones that obviously wiped out the dinosaurs. Those are dino-killers. And they say those come by once every 100,000 years or so.
Dick: Ohhhhhhhh. Okay.
Maddox: Okay? It’s been…we’re long overdue. We’re 7 times more likely today than we were when the dinosaurs were extinct, of getting another one of these asteroids. We’re just due for one.
Sean: Wasn’t there one that came by, like, in the scope of the universe, by, like, a hair?! I mean, I know it was like hundreds of thousands of miles.
Sean: Yeah. It was, like, hundreds of thousands of miles, I think, but it was fairly recently?
Sean: I remember reading something about that. It was in the scope of, you know, how large things are, it wasn’t that far.
Maddox: No, you’re right, Sean. I have it right here. It..it happened in 2012. We had a near-miss in 2012 where an asteroid came within 40,000 miles of Earth. And here’s the big problem with that. We didn’t see it until two days before.
Dick: That’s like from here to Disney Land. (Maddox and Sean crack up)
Maddox: Hey, I can’t see it! Must be the same distance.
Sean: Yeah, 40,000 miles. I think the Equator of the Earth is, like, 25,000 miles.
Dick: Yeah. 25,000 miles, around.
Maddox: Yeah. So it came pretty fucking close.
Dick: Pretty close.
Maddox: Pretty fucking close.
Dick: Do you know that my friend works on the asteroid detection system?
Maddox: Oh, really?
Dick: Oh yeah. He’s got a whole big great scam cooked up. They’re buying all these expensive telescopes. And then they don’t throw in, like, using the telescopes in the first grant, so they build all the telescopes, and say, like, “Well, you’re gonna have to give us more money, ‘cause we didn’t put all the salaries of all the scientists that gotta look through all the telescopes in the first grant!” So he’s always flying around trying to, you know, gin up cash for this big scam that he’s got.
Maddox: Yeah! Those scientists. Big SCAMMERS.
Maddox: They’re just trying to save all of humanity with these telescopes!
Dick: Nah, but that’s the point. I’m like, “So what do you do if you find one?” He’s like, “I dunno. That’s not in the grant.” Like, alright. Send me a text. If you see one, send me a text before you send everyone else, so I can get started on the looting early.
Sean: So where were you on that one, dipshit? (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Dick, don’t you see? This is exactly why this is such a big problem, because everyone kinda jokes about it. And everyone thinks, “Okay, well what happens if you detect an asteroid?” That’s the rub.
Maddox: We don’t know! We don’t have a plan!! We have a couple of theories and a couple of silly movies that came out in the 90s, Armageddon and Deep Impact, with some hokey bullshit!
Dick: Oh, those were not silly!
Maddox: Okay. Well we had th…(cracks up) We had these movies…
Dick: How dare you!?
Maddox: We had these movies. The scientists have been trying to grapple with how to best tackle this problem for a long time.
Maddox: And people don’t really have an answer, because we’ve never done it before. So we only have basically one shot, if we find an asteroid within two days that’s gonna strike Earth!? And by the way, we were lucky to notice that two days before. Sometimes, these asteroids are really dark bodies and we just don’t see them, because they don’t reflect a lot of light. They have an iron core, or they’re very, very dark. Very dense, metallic. Heavy objects that are floating through space. Just FLOATING DEATH, coming into our atmosphere to destroy all life!! And you think, “Oh, well, when’s the last time that happened?!” 1908, shitheads!
Dick: What do you mean?
Sean: Over Siberia.
Maddox: Yep. The Tunguska event of 1908. I first learned about that from Ghostbusters, believe it or not.
Dick: Oh, yeah! I remember that scene.
Maddox: That line at the end of the movie, yeah. I think this is from BBC. It says, “One of the last significant impact occurred June 30th, 1908, when an asteroid or comet exploded 6.2 miles above a secluded forest in Tunguska, Siberia…”
Dick: Oh, wow.
Maddox: “…flattening trees over an area of 625 square miles, or 1,600 square kilometers.”
Maddox: 625 square miles, that’s HUGE! YUGE. “Which surprisingly, few people cared about at the time due to the remoteness of the region and the fact that there seemed to have been no casualties.”
Maddox: However, and this is from BBC…”However, calculations suggest that if it had landed 4 hours and 47 minutes later, it would have hit St. Petersburg, and according to estimates, such an air burst occurring over New York could cost 1.19 trillion dollars to insurers in property damage…”
Dick: (interjects) What about the people?!!? (laughing)
Maddox: Not to mention…
Maddox: …causing approximately 3.2 million fatalities and 3.76 million injuries. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Whoa! So if that…so if an asteroid that happened in 1908…
Dick: Exploded over New York…
Dick: It would take out 3 million people.
Maddox: 3 million people.
Maddox: And 3.76 million injuries is what they’re estimating.
Dick: Alright, well, how much does it cost to get rid of all these asteroids? What do we do?!
Maddox: And by the way…
Dick: (interjects) Smart guy!?
Maddox: This estimation, uh, Dick, with the 1.2 trillion dollars.
Maddox: That’s just estimate property damage, not estimate…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I don’t care about that!!
Maddox: Yeah, not estimate to our economy, or anything else. I mean, I think it would be a big boom.
Dick: For the ec…(they laugh)
Maddox: Be a giant broken window. (laughing)
Sean: Oh, my, God.
Dick: Did you mean the pun? The boom from the asteroid?
Dick: Okay, yeah, both.
Dick: Uh…(background giggles) So what do we do?
Sean: Wait, can we talk about that more? (grins)
Dick: No. No!!!
Maddox: We have to invest everything we got and make this priority number one TODAY to solve this problem! To put into Earth a defense system against fucking asteroids! We worry so much about terrorism and gun violence and roller coaster rides, and seatbelts, and all this other shit!!!! Whatever we’re worrying about is PEANUTS compared to this problem!!! And it’s gonna take…unfortunately, the smoking gun is gonna be an asteroid coming into our atmosphere and killing people before people take this seriously. And I hope it’s not a big one, because if it is, that’s it! We’re fucked! And we may be…look. I believe that life is probably plentiful in the universe; however, intelligent life? Life that evolves. Life that gets culture, and language, and satellites, and rocket ships, and the ability to travel to stars and distant planets, I think those are probably pretty rare.
Dick: Wait, really?
Dick: How rare?
Dick: (interjects) What’s your Drake equation estimate?
Maddox: According…yeah, according to the Drake equation..
Dick: Let’s hear it.
Maddox: …most scientists put their estimates at about 1. Which means that it’s likely that they exist. However, if they’re plentiful in a universe so vast, we’d probably have heard from one of them by now.
Maddox: Because of radio…because of radio signals. Radio…
Dick: (interjects) Nah, radio signals die off really fast, though. I mean there’s a…you’re talking about, like, the Great Filter? There’s a lot of reasons for that, but, like, I wanna know what your gut feeling is on how many…like, how many weird-foreheaded aliens there are to be Star Trekky out in the universe.
Maddox: I think intel…
Dick: (interjects) You think we’ll ever meet one?
Maddox: Ugh, it’s…well it’s hard…
Dick: (interjects) Lot of problems!!
Maddox: That’s hard to say. I mean, conquering interterrestrial travel is a non-trivial problem.
Maddox: It’s a real significant problem that we have not overcome. We need a lot of energy, or to figure out wormholes. And by the way, theoretically speaking, if we want to create a wormhole, that’s gonna take about the amount of energy in our entire SUN. We’d have to convert suns into…
Dick: We need…
Sean: (interjects) We need Kim Jong Un.
Dick: For what?
Sean: Oh, to do any of this.
Maddox: To explore.
Sean: He’s the man who can do it.
Maddox: He is a deity.
Sean: Well, he’s…yeah.
Dick: Oh, ‘cause he’s a God? (Maddox laughs)
Sean: He uses exploding nuclear weapons. He’s doing all this stuff that…I dunno, he can’t launch a rocket more than 5 feet, but…
Maddox: My personal belief that my Drake equation is about 0.75. So if you guys don’t know what the Drake equation is, look it up. It’s basically…
Dick: Ugh, yeah.
Maddox: …you take a bunch of variables into consideration on how likely it is for a planet to exist that could harbor life. How likely it is for that life to evolve. How likely it is for them to survive themselves, so they don’t destroy each other in a nuclear holocaust, like we almost did. How likely it is for them to survive other interplanetary incidents, and how likely it is for them to develop technology to communicate! And whether or not they are WILLING to communicate. That’s another factor. So you…you plug in all these variables. And you come up with a number. Either less than 1, or greater than 1, but around 1.
Dick: Right, okay.
Maddox: And 1 is…1 says that it’s likely, I think. And then less than 1 means slightly less likely. I think it’s, like, 0.75. I think 1 per super cluster of galaxies.
Dick: Do you think they’ll be hot?
Maddox: The aliens?!
Maddox: Only one way to find out.
Dick: That’d be such a big disappointment. Like, we found aliens, and then you see their women and you’re like, “Goddamn it.”
Maddox: You know what I believe? I believe your penis doesn’t lie. When you look at something or someone…
Dick: (interjects) It’s true.
Maddox: Right? It’s not that culture has hammered us with some notion of what’s hot or what’s not.
Maddox: I trust my penis.
Maddox: If it moves, it moves.
Maddox: And that’s what orientation I am. If I see a nude guy and I get a boner, I’m like, “Well, maybe I’m gay! I dunno!”
Dick: Wow, I hope someone remixes that. (they crack up) So what’s…what’s the…you just said that we should be dumping all of our money into the asteroid.
Maddox: Yes. Priority number one.
Dick: So cancel…cancel Planned Parenthood immediately. (Maddox laughs) Use all that money…right?
Maddox: Actually, just…just take some of our fucking bloated defense budget and put it towards asteroid. Asteroid defense! And then it has to be an international solution, because if we create our own solution for knocking out asteroids.
Maddox: Russia’s gonna be like, “Hey, what are you building those nukes for?” And we tell ‘em, “Uh, asteroids.” And they’ll be like, “Yeah, sure buddy. We’re gonna build our own “asteroid nukes”.” Right?
Maddox: And then you’re gonna have an arms race. This has to be an international consortium. An international coalition.
Maddox: It has to be a world government.
Maddox: A New World Order, I would say!!!
Dick: See? (laughing) (Maddox cracks up) You are not selling this problem well.
Maddox: A big wo…but here’s the thing, man! Once we get interterrestrial, or intergalactic problems that we have to contend with? I think humans will really fucking shape up real quick and realize, “Guys, it’s no longer us versus Mexico, or us versus them, or Europe, or whatever.”
Dick: It’s us versus the universe.
Maddox: It’s us versus the universe.
Dick: AND Mexico. (they all crack up) They’re like the Mexico of space!
Maddox: And Mexi…that’s right. We can put rocket ships on Mexico. Just launch the whole fucking thing! Save money on…on walls! Dick?
Maddox: Huh? If we launch Mexico into space?
Dick: Launching…oh, yeah, sure. (Maddox laughs) Lemme talk you down from the hysteria for a second. Uh, okay. So let’s say a reasonable way to not get hit by an asteroid is not with nukes. Is to send out, like, a…send out a bunch of satellites and use orbital momentum to knock it off track. Right? Send out a bunch of little spacecrafts…have ‘em whiz around the thing, and they use their own momentum to pull the asteroid away from impacting the Earth. Right?
Maddox: So you’re saying if we detected an asteroid coming towards Earth.
Maddox: You would launch an aircraft to try to orbit the asteroid and then use it…use the…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, I’m describing a real thing. Like, a plan to get rid of an asteroid.
Maddox: I know, but I’m asking what that plan is.
Maddox: You’re saying that the aircraft would orbit the asteroid.
Maddox: And try to slingshot it with its gravity away from the Earth, right?
Dick: Yeah! So you get…when it goes…you know, when it goes onto the far side of the asteroid, you fire on the afterburners, or whatever, and pullllllllllllllllll….using gravity, it kinda pulls the asteroid off track.
Dick: Right? Eventually. Like our own moon does. Moons slinging around all the time, always changing where the center of mass is from, like…
Dick: …10 billion light years out.
Dick: Okay. How far away do we need to see that asteroid co…we don’t need all this new world government and all this nonsense. We just need enough time to get these things…get these guys up there. Right?
Dick: You’re whipping everybody up into a frenzy over these asteroids!! All I’m saying is…
Maddox: (interjects) Well…
Dick: …all we need is some telescopes.
Maddox: Well, sure, Dick. I mean, that’s a great solution for an asteroid you see coming a month away, or two months away, or you can predict coming years away, right?
Dick: Years! Years.
Maddox: Years. Sure. That could be…that could be a great solution for an asteroid like that, but the asteroids, like in 2012, the one that we saw with the two-day notice?
Maddox: That’s not gonna happen. That’s not a good plan. What do you got? Nukes?
Dick: No, you can’t nuke an asteroid.
Maddox: No, you can’t.
Dick: Out of space.
Maddox: Well, you’re…that’s our best plan, honestly. Like, today, right now? Our government? The best course of action that we possibly have is nukes against an asteroid. And by the way, the Tunguska event? That asteroid is estimated to have been 10 meters big, or 32.8 feet. 32.8 feet would have caused 1.2 trillion dollars in damage…
Maddox: And over…what was it? 3 million casualties and 3 million injuries.
Maddox: That was a 10-foot asteroid. So you launch a nuke into space, knock out this giant fucking colossal asteroid. Then what? Anything bigger than 10 feet that enters our atmosphere is still gonna fucking wreak havoc on Earth.
Maddox: This is a HUGE problem. It’s the biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: What if you send up a bunch of guys who could drill into it? (Maddox laughs) And then put the nuke in it?
Maddox: You know, that plan just might work, Dick.
Maddox: (interjects) With the right men.
Dick: It’s better than your plan! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: What’s my plan? I haven’t even said a plan.
Dick: Like, a weird new world government and cancelling Planned Parenthood. (Maddox laughs) I don’t think that’s a good idea.
Sean: I wanna see the candidates asked about this.
Dick: About the asteroid attack?
Sean: About the whole…yeah. What would you do?
Sean: I just wanna see what they’d say.
Maddox: It’s a huge problem, man. No, but…all joking aside, this is…we do have to have government cooperation, because you can’t have one government independently creating nukes and then telling everyone else that it’s for asteroids.
Dick: But why do you think it’s nukes? Nukes aren’t gonna do anything.
Maddox: What else have we got?
Dick: The orbital momentum thing! No, no, look, look.
Maddox: We’re talking about…we’re talking about short notice asteroids. What do you have?
Dick: Nukes are not gonna do that.
Maddox: Well, what do you got? What’s the solution?
Dick: Dig a hole, and get…convince a bunch of broads to get in there with me. (Maddox giggles) That’s a better solution than yours!
Maddox: Right. Maybe what they need to do is dig a hole right through Earth so there’s a hole that the asteroid can pass right through!!! (laughing)
Dick: Yeah! (background laughter) Now you’re thinkin’!!!
Maddox: (laughing) Uh, some of the plans that people have proposed for asteroids is to paint the side of the asteroid.
Maddox: Uh, but again, that’s a long distance plan, because if you see an asteroid coming years away and you know it’s gonna cross the Earth’s trajectory.
Maddox: You can paint the asteroid white or something reflective so that enough sunlight makes that asteroid SLIGHTLY push out of our orbit’s way.
Maddox: And it’s not much. You don’t have to push these things a lot out of our way, but just enough.
Sean: No sh…that would work? (incredulous)
Maddox: That would work, yeah.
Sean: Because of the color?
Maddox: Yeah, because enough light would bounce off of that thing. It’s basically works like a solar sail. There are some theories out there on building spacecraft using the sun’s photons as a kind of a sail. Like a sail ship. Uh, and you would constantly get energy from the sun. Except the problem with that is that you have the R squared drop off. Like, as the…further away you get from the sun source, the less you’re gonna get hitting your sail, and eventually, you’ll run outta steam. But yeah. There’s a lot of theories out there.
Dick: Who are you gonna get to do all that painting? Space Mexicans. (they crack up)
Maddox: Alright, guys. That’s my problem. Biggest problem in the universe. Asteroids. I think.
Dick: Alright. It’s a big problem.
Dick: Uh, I’m gonna play some of these…some of these congratulations from our…from former guests. Randy sent out to our former guests…
Dick: To call us and congratulate.
Maddox: Let’s hear it, yeah.
Dick: I wanna play one from Ali Hassenein. Is it Hassa-neen, or Hassa-nyne?
Maddox: Uh, I think Hass-enn-ien.
Dick: Whoa, I was way off. Great thumbnails!!
Dick: Oh, my God! That guy does amazing thumbnails. He did an amazing…art piece to celebrate the 100th episode. I’ll put it up on the site after this. But here’s his congratulations.
(Voice mail: Ali Hassanein: “Hey, everybody. Ali Hassanein here. This is how I talk. And…just here to congratulate you on…100 weekly episodes of the podcast. It’s a really awesome job you guys do, and I guess now I’ll get back to painting Maddox in various costumes all day.”)
Maddox: Yes. Yeah! Smart.
Dick: Back to doing that. Who else do you wanna hear?
Maddox: Cool, thanks Ali. Yeah.
Dick: I got…
Maddox: Wait, do you have the artwork here in the studio?
Dick: No, I don’t have the artwork.
Maddox: Oh, he hasn’t sent it in yet? Uh, Ali, by the way, guys. He’s made some of the best thumbnails on this show. We’ve had a lot of really talented people working on them. Jessica Safron, Ali Hassanein, and then, uh…who else? We’ve had…
Dick: Jack Tubbs!
Maddox: Yeah. Jack Tubbs.
Dick: Clay Rodery.
Maddox: Clay Ro…that’s the other one I was trying to remember. Clay, yeah.
Maddox: Incredible! Incredible artwork. You guys, thank you so much for your hard work and dedication to this podcast.
Dick: I’m gonna play this one from…a fan favorite.
(Sound effect: Digital horns, “TIM CHANGZZZZZ!”)
(Voice mail: Tim Changzzzzz: “Yo, congrats to everyone at the Biggest Problem podcast for making to episode one hunnit. (Maddox chuckles) Now, I’m gonna give y’all a little sneak peek of something I’ve been workin’ on since it’s your 100 episode. Sneak peek of a Tim Changzzzzz album comin’ this summa.”
“Madoff, youse a bitch!!” “Madoff, youse a bitch!!” “Bitch, bitch, bitch!!” “Go fuck yourself, Madoff!”
Dick: Oh, alright.
Maddox: This is…this is hateful.
“Bitch!! Madoff got fucked by a rhino!!”
Maddox: I’ll sue you!
“In the asshole!!”) (they all laugh)
Dick: Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. Everybody’s using Harry’s. We’re all using Harry’s on this show, right?
Dick: The quality of the blade. The quality of the blade is better…is the entire appeal of the product to me. It’s a better shaving experience than anything I’ve ever used before. Why pay $32 for an eight-pack of blades when you can get ‘em for half the price at http://www.harrys.com. The Harry’s Starter Set is an amazing deal. For just $15, you get a razor, moisturizing shave cream, and three razor blades. How about that?
Maddox: Dick, there’s a promo going on, too. I don’t know if you know about this, but I know they’re sponsors of our show and sometimes they send us free product, but I actually purchased some Harry’s stuff recently.
Maddox: Yeah. I’ve just been buying it. ‘Cause there’s a really good promo going around too, where I think if you invite a friend, you can get it basically for the cost of shipping. Which is, like, 3 bucks. You’ll get…you’ll get Harry’s sent right to your doorstep.
Maddox: Yeah, it’s fantastic!! It’s a really good deal, guys.
Dick: Good deal. Then you can shave together. Friends who shave together, stay together.
Maddox: True. That’s true.
Dick: Right? That’s true.
Maddox: That’s the saying. Mhmm.
Dick: Go right now, over a million guys have already made the switch. They got factory direct prices. Cut out the middle man. Ships right to your door. You don’t have to screw around at the drugstore. Then they sell their blades for half the price of the leading brand. Okay, umm…
Maddox: (interjects) Fantastic. Thank you, Harry’s! For supporting our show. Thanks for making this possible, guys. Really appreciate it.
Dick: We got a huuuuuuge, huge event here, don’t we?
Sean: Oh, boy.
Dick: We’ve been waiting…
Dick: …100 episodes.
Dick: For what’s about to happen.
Maddox: Well, technically we waited only 50 episodes for it to happen. (grins) (laughing)
Dick: We’ve been waiting 50 episodes for this to happen. Haven’t we, Sean?
Sean: We have.
Dick: We’ve been waiting a long time. We’ve gotten, what would you say, 1000 requests? For what’s about to happen? Or…
Sean: (interjects) I’ve gotten a lot of emails. I think thanks to you. Mostly.
Dick: Well, who can say?
Dick: Who can say? We don’t have a control.
Dick: Somebody might have told everyone to email you, telling you to bring in a problem. Or they might have done it on their own.
Maddox: There’s no way to find out.
Sean: I did get those anyway.
Maddox: Sean, you want a drumroll for your problem? Your big…
Dick: (interjects) Oh no, wait a minute.
Maddox: …your big debut?
Dick: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Dick: Because last time we DID this, you deleted the problem. Sneakily.
Dick: I wanna make sure…
Sean: No, I asked. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Well, you asked like the mafia asks. (Sean laughs) Okay. So…um…yeah. So I brought in someone to help you keep your nerve up. Someone you know. For this problem.
Dick: To encourage you.
Sean: You just have to bring in something I care about.
Dick: No, no, no. I brought in Cool Sean.
Sean: Oh, you did!
Dick: Cool Sean has some encouraging words for you.
Maddox: Oh, let’s hear what Cool…yeah.
Dick: And your problem.
Sean: I can’t wait to hear this.
Dick: This is what Cool Sean has to say. (grinning)
(Cool Sean: “You can do it, Sean.” (Sean laughs) “I believe in you.” “Now you have to believe in yourself.”)
Maddox: Oh, wow!
Dick: Does that help?
Sean: What a great voice. (giggles)
Dick: Yeah. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah! Cool Sean!
Dick: So if you ever feel like you’re…like it’s starting to fall apart, just tell me, and I’ll play you some encouragement from Cool Sean.
Sean: Oh, don’t worry. This problem is all about falling apart. (Maddox giggles)
Cool Sean: “Sean with the zinger! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah!”
(they all crack up)
Maddox: Oh, man!! We gotta use that in a drop throughout the rest of the show, forever. That’s fantastic.
Sean: I’m already sick of it. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I got one more, hold on. (laughing)
Cool Sean: “You’re the real Cool Sean to me. Now don’t delete yourself.” (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yeah. Don’t delete yourself. (grins)
Maddox: Alright, Sean. Drumroll. You want a drumroll for your problem?
Sean: Thanks, Cool Sean. Do whatever you wanna do.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: Here you go, Sean. (Dick laughs) Your big problem debut is…and he’s drinking…
Dick: Like Rubio over there…(they crack up) Having a big swig of water during a drumroll, doesn’t even want the drumroll at first!! (Maddox dying of laughter) Only man in the world, hey you want a drumroll? I don’t care. Okay.
Sean: I thought you were gonna keep going.
(they crack up)
Dick: How long do you want that drumroll?
Sean: I dunno man, I’m milking this for all it’s worth.
Maddox: Alright, Sean. What’s your problem?
Sean: Biggest problem in the universe is…crew neck t-shirts.
Cool Sean: “You’re blowin’ it, Sean.”
(they crack up)
Maddox: Crew Neck T-shirts?
Dick: Is it really?
Maddox: Is that your problem, Sean!?
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Another Sean with a zinger!!
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: You know what? Dick wanted me to bring that in.
Dick: Yeah, it’s a big problem.
Sean: He’s like, “It would be such a ‘fuck you’ to the listeners.”
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, that’d be pretty funny.
Dick: That’s not what I said. (they crack up)
Sean: That is EXACTLY what you said. (they laugh)
Maddox: Oh, man.
Sean: No, for real, my biggest problem is Addiction.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Okay!! Okay.
Sean: This may be uncomfortable.
Dick: For who?
Sean: For…(Maddox laughs) For somebody sitting here. Um, alright.
Maddox: (interjects) I look around the room and I see four men sweating, so possibly all of us.
Sean: Oh, god. No, this is something that I’ve…it’s really the only thing I wanted to bring in, because I know it really well. It’s all throughout my family, including myself. Um…let me just get some boring stats out of the way. Just…’cause stats are really impersonal. I don’t think anybody DOESN’T think this is a problem.
Dick: No. And all stats are lies.
Sean: In this, they’re very hard to…
Maddox: (interjects) 100% of the things you just said is false! (Dick laughs)
Sean: They’re very hard to quantify in this. But…
Maddox: (interjects) Well, sometimes it gives you…it gives you, uh…perspective. It lets you know exactly how big a problem is compared to something else. Like, for example, Asteroids. You’re more likely to die from a…(Dick guffaws)(Maddox laughs) than a shark attack!!
Dick: Than heroin?
Maddox: That’s a fucking fact! That’s a fucking fact. Vote down Sharks. Vote up Asteroids. Anyways.
Maddox: So you were saying, Sean.
Sean: I just read something about…to be killed in a shark attack is something like 1 in 243 million.
Maddox: Yeah. It’s..
Sean: (interjects) To be killed.
Dick: Ah, you’re dodging the subject, now. (they laugh)
Sean: So lemme just…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. Let’s get into this.
Sean: Just a little real simple background.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Sean: There is so much literature on this, it’s ridiculous.
Maddox: For sure.
Sean: This is all from Wikipedia, because literally half of the addiction page is references. Like, citing studies and published…
Maddox: (interjects) There’s a ton, yeah.
Sean: It’s incredible. It’s been studied incredibly. So, okay. Addiction is considered a disease and/or a biological process, or a disorder. It’s a disorder of the brain’s reward system after exposure to chronically high levels of an addictive stimulus.
Dick: (interjects) It’s always weird when they call it a disease.
Maddox: Yeah, a disease…
Sean: Well, it’s…
Dick: (interjects) Is it a disease?
Sean: Okay. Personally, I have a little bit of an issue with that. I prefer "disorder," because I can't put a kid with leukemia on the same level as something that you can avoid, or -
Dick: (interjects) That you can just stop doing.
Sean: (inhales) Yeah.
Sean: Yeah, even though sometimes it probably feels like you CAN'T just stop doing it.
Sean: If you're really bad, it's dangerous just to stop doing it.
Sean: I mean, right...like, cold turkey. Like, you know, if you're...if you're a really bad alcoholic? To stop, you may go into, like, seizure and death.
Dick: What if you're, like -
Sean: (interjects) But that's...that's an extreme case.
Dick: What if you look at, like, a...just a ton of porn? And you're like, "Oh man, I gotta look at some porn today!!"
Dick: "I'm starting to get the vapors." (grins) (Randy laughs in the background)
Sean: Well, th-...in that case, you know, you may -
Maddox: (interjects) You laugh, but it's a thing, man!
Sean: No, your boner might explode.
Maddox: Ye-... (chuckles)
Sean: If you don't regularly look at...
Maddox: I just read about -
Sean: (interjects) What a way to go.
Maddox: You know, so I don't wanna derail your whole thing, Sean, with another penis anecdote.
Dick: As he opens a bottle of liquor in front of your face. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Sean: Go ahead!
Dick: By the way.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm thirsty. (Dick laughs) Um...
Sean: It doesn't bother me a bit.
Maddox: No, but here's the thing. I just read...I don't wanna derail the whole thing with another penis anecdote, but I did read about, uh, penises where they stay erect for too long. That...you know, that 4-hour thing, whatever? What can happen is -
Dick: (interjects) Priapism.
Maddox: What's it called?
Dick: Priapism, I think?
Maddox: Priapism. That's what it is.
Sean: Priopecia, I think. Or...
Sean: Yeah, maybe...
Sean: No, it is. I think you're right.
Maddox: Priopecia is what you put on your pubes. (Dick chuckles)
Dick: That's a good one. (both giggle)
Sean: No, "pecia"...actually is, like, hair, isn't it?
Maddox: Thanks, Dick!! (laughing)
Maddox: Anyway, um...what happens is the blood in your penis, because it's not being circulated, gets cut off from oxygen and starts coagulating, and then it can't get...it can't be released from the normal valve that it gets out of. And so your penis sits there, it gets really painful and uncomfortable, and you can even lose your penis! You have to get it drained manually by a doctor. And they dr-...it's not fun. (Sean chuckles)
Sean: By a hot nurse.
Dick: How do you know...? Wait a minute, why do you know so much about this 4-hour erection shit? That's weird.
Maddox: (guffaws) Well, ehhh...
Sean: Those fuckin' Cana-...
Dick: (interjects) That reaction is further weird. (Maddox giggling) Why do you know so much about this 4-hour erection thing?
Sean: Those Canadian pharmacies, am I right?
Maddox: No, 'cause I just watched a video on YouTube about this. But, uh... (laughs with Randy)
Dick: About the long erect penises??
Maddox: No, it's talkin' about a...there's a spider in Brazil that causes priapism.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah. A-...anyway.
Dick: Are you tryin' to import them? Put 'em on your website? (Maddox snickers) Okay.
Sean: So, yeah. Going back to the "disease/disorder"...
Sean: Call it whatever you want. I know it can, you know, medically be classified as a disease. Like I said, I made the, uh...you know, 5-year-old with leukemia versus, you know, an adult who's...ultimately, you're responsible for what you do.
Sean: You may have gotten there for a number of reasons. They think that about 50...anywhere from 40 to 60 percent of it is genetic, and the rest is environmental, which has always made perfect sense to me. I never understood the nature VERSUS nurture argument. You know, you -
Maddox: (interjects) 30 to 40 percent genetic?
Sean: No, they think 40 to 60 percent genetics. So they basically put it somewhere around 50-50. And here's the g-...the genetic factor...
Dick: That's weird.
Sean: ...is, uh, a gene transcription called delta FosB, which is a critical component and factor in virtually all forms of addiction.
Sean: So there is abs-...
Maddox: (interjects) So there is a genetic factor, for sure.
Sean: Absolutely a genetic factor.
Dick: Oh, really??
Sean: Oh yeah.
Sean: Uh...actually, the -
Dick: (interjects) That's good news! (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Don't... (laughs)
Dick: Not my fault!!
Sean: The delta -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, it's your fuckin' fault, Dick.
Sean: The delta FosB is -
Dick: (interjects) My GENES crashed my car.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, yeah. (giggles)
Sean: It's used as an addiction biomarker.
Sean: The delta FosB.
Dick: So can you scan people in advance and say, like, "Boom, you're gonna be an addict"?
Sean: Uhh, possibly so.
Dick: Oh, alright!
Sean: Not "GOING to be," because that's where the environmental part comes in.
Maddox: Yeeeah. Just whether or not you have the proclivity to become an addict.
Dick: Ah, okay.
Sean: They think a lot of people start because it's like a coping mechanism for growing up in a dysfunctional family.
Maddox: Ha! Tell me about it.
Sean: Like mine. (chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah. So Sean, yeah, I wanna hear about your addiction. You said you have addiction in your family, and you dealt with it yourself.
Dick: What are you addicted to? Like, smelling dryer sheets, and...? (Sean and Maddox laugh)
Sean: So, I think...I wanted to stay away from the stats.
Sean: Because I think they're...they're really impersonal, and I'd rather focus more on how it affects relationships and people's families and things like that.
Maddox: Well, with a problem like addiction, for sure. We all think it's a huge problem because we're all either affected by it directly or indirectly by somebody we know.
Sean: I think almost every -
Dick: (interjects) And you can't fix it.
Maddox: Well, you CAN fix it. That's...you can.
Maddox: Absolutely, you can.
Dick: You CAN fix addiction? (skeptical)
Maddox: Yeah! People have st-...there are a lot of people who have overcome their addiction. I know -
Dick: (interjects) That doesn't mean "fixed."
Maddox: No -
Sean: (interjects) I know what you mean.
Sean: I know what you mean.
Maddox: Oh, you mean...you mean if they try whatever it is -
Dick: (interjects) Asteroid, you blow it out of the sky. Addiction, that's a demon in all of us.
Maddox: Well, I have a buddy of mine who was addicted to, uh, heroin...he was a huge drug addict. Alcohol, everything. A huge, huge problem, and he's been sober...he just celebrated his 14-year...14th year of sobriety last week.
Maddox: Which is a fantastic...I mean, that to me is you've solved the problem, whatever the problem is. I mean, addiction...the underlying problems of addiction, which is whatever compulsion you may have genetically, pre-...to be predisposed to doing it, may still exist, but the conditions under which you can become an addict can be solved.
Dick: Sean, I'd like to hear your opinion on that.
Sean: You know, they say "once an addict, always an addict." But yeah, you learn how to live sober. You learn how to be comfortable with all the different aspects of your life. There's a lot of reasons why people may start. A lot of times, yeah, they consider it a coping mechanism, and those people who are genetically predisposed to it, you know, are very likely to become addicts, alcoholics...you know, what have you. But as far as...or, what are you saying? Are you saying...you're talking about just the person, or the relationships being repaired?
Dick: I'm saying the reason that we immediately react to thinking it's a huge problem is because it's not something that's easily curable. It's something that's totally out of everyone's control except for the person who's addicted.
Sean: Yeah, they...well...oh!
Dick: It's a lot more frigh-...it's A LOT more frightening than what the stats say.
Sean: Yeah! No, it is! It's out of everybody else's control except that person. Absolutely. And that's where the...a lot of addicts and alcoholics have kind of, like, a victim mentality, which I can relate to, where it's like...you know, almost like, "YOU caused me to do this," or, you know, "When I was the lowest, you left." Or, you know, it's...they say that, uh, alcoholics and addicts, they don't have relationships; they have hostages.
Sean: And that's -
Maddox: (interjects) That's an interesting...yeah.
Sean: There's a lot of truth to that, because you f-...as a family member, you feel terrible. You feel like you're abandoning...what are you gonna do?
Dick: (Cool Sean sound clip (deep voice): "That was insightful as hell, Sean.") HAAA!! (everyone bursts out laughing) (clip continues: "I never thought of it that way.") (more giggling)
Sean: He knows me so well, doesn't he? That's funny.
Dick: Okay, please continue.
Sean: You've...I... (Dick cracks up again) You've got a fuckin' grab bag full of those, don't you?
Dick: I don't know!!
Maddox: Uhh... (laughs) We'll see!
Dick: That was insightful, though.
Maddox: So Sean and Dick, I disagree with most of what you guys are saying. Uh... (Dick scoffs)
Dick: Wait, what?? (Maddox laughs)
Sean: You need SOMETHING to argue. (smiles)
Dick: Wait, wait, wait. You weren't finished with the hostage part, were you?
Sean: I would say as family members or friends of that person, it's really hard to walk away because you feel like, "I've gotta do everything I can," but you end up getting pulled down by THEM.
Sean: And I know that from relationships, and...like, a healthy person, they won't allow themselves to be caught up in that. You can support that person as much as you can, you can offer 'em all the help, but ultimately -
Dick: (interjects) But you get boiled slowly!
Dick: Get pulled in.
Sean: Yeah, that's right!
Dick: Little bit, helping here and there.
Sean: That's right.
Dick: Sending 'em a text asking them if they're okay.
Dick: It all adds up. (Maddox sighs) What are you sighing at?
Maddox: Well, guys, so this is the thing I disagree with. I totally agree that it is like a...you know, holding your friends hostage. It's like a hostage situation more than a friendship. But here's the...here's the problem, I think: that we are viewing addiction in a totally wrong way, because of that study that I mentioned in the bonus episode. $1.33 on our website, check it out.
Maddox: It helps support the show. Thank you, guys. But the...I linked to that video. Did you watch the video, Dick? Or Sean?
Dick: No. God, no. I don't watch videos online.
(talking over each other)
Maddox: Watch the fuckin' video. (exasperated)
Sean: I didn't...I just heard...I just heard what you said, and I think that is a HUGE oversimplification of the problem.
Maddox: Okay. Well, it's ba-...it's a 5-minute video based on a book that someone wrote. So read the book if you're actually interested in it.
Sean: Yeah, but back in the -
Dick: (interjects) So please oversimplify it more into 30 seconds. Can we do that?
Sean: Well, I do remember you saying, like, "What we know about addiction is from *a* study." It's a...that's patently false.
Maddox: Well, it's -
Sean: (interjects) We've done SO many studies and so much published literature.
Sean: That's why I say it was...
Maddox: Well, sure, it...
Sean: ...it was radically oversimplified.
Maddox: Okay, Sean, but like...just like our understanding of what we should have in our diet is based on some faulty, um, study or some faulty connection someone made to butter a long time ago. 'Cause President Truman, I think, had a heart attack, so they said, "Okay, well, butter's bad! We shouldn't eat butter." And then for years -
Sean: (interjects) But we've kept studying it.
Maddox: Well, yeah, we've kept studying it.
Maddox: But for years, that perception persisted in our minds, in our conscious, because of that misconceived study. Right?
Sean: Yes. And it does, it stays in the public consciousness.
Sean: Even though it turns out to be false, and people have known that it's false. The Brontosaurus...I don't wanna get off too much. The Brontosaurus is a perfect example.
Sean: There is no Brontosaurus.
Maddox: No Brontosaurus.
Sean: Yeah, you know about this.
Dick: Prove it!
Maddox: It's a... (chuckles) Um...
Sean: It's Apatosaurus and a Camarasaurus.
Sean: They swapped the skulls or something like that.
Maddox: Whoever found that di-...the dinosaur got the dinosaurs wrong, got the bones wrong.
Maddox: And they mixed it up and created a species of dinosaur that never existed and called it a Brontosaurus. There's no B-...no such thing as a Brontosaurus.
Sean: Yeah, and a hundred years later people like me are finding out that's false, which completely trashed my childhood.
Maddox: But, that -
Sean: (interjects) Which is the reason I drink. (laughs) (Maddox snorts)
Maddox: Well, there you go! So that gets me to what I take issue with.
Dick: DID drink. Yeah.
Maddox: Is that it...we view addiction as still a moral failing and it's a choice that people make, and they...they blame it on others, and I think that the truth is usually somewhere in the middle. It's neither entirely someone else's fault, but it's neither entirely your fault either. For example, if you're bro-...'cause you mentioned this at the top of your problem, Sean, which is the family environment that you're raised in.
Sean: Oh, yeah!
Sean: No, there are...I know where you're going, and I agree. There are REASONS why you become...it's, like I said, environmental and genetic. But that doesn't mean as an adult you're not responsible for doing something about it.
Sean: When you -
Dick: (interjects) What's your point, Maddox? What are you saying that we're not...our view is not right?
Sean: It's all on you.
Dick: Yeah, it's 100% on you.
Sean: To do something about it.
Dick: Of course!
Maddox: No, because if you were raised without the e-...the proper education and, uh, and state of mind and mental faculty to be able to recognize yourself and be cognizant of yourself and be self-aware enough to realize that you have a problem, and you realize that the problem may be something that has to do...that's been triggered psychologically from your upbringing, and you don't pursue that help, like, that's a huge...that's a HUGE, uh, leap, to expect someone to know that about themselves.
Dick: Uhh, no, it's not.
Maddox: I think very few people are.
Sean: If you have -
Dick: (interjects) You drink too much, you drink too much.
Sean: If you have outside -
Dick: (interjects) People have been drinking too much for thousands of years.
Sean: If you have outside friends or relationships, people don't tend to listen to them, and they probably should.
Sean: Because if somebody is concerned about you, they... (stammers) You get this skewed perception, too, and this goes to Maddox's point, where you tend to hang out with people who do the same thing as you. So you get this skew-...
Dick: (interjects) (Cool Sean sound clip: "True.")
Sean: So you get this -
Dick: (interjects) (clip continues: "Too true.") (Maddox, Dick and Randy crack up)
Sean: So you get this very skewed...it's not a microcosm, you know? It's not a real sampling of what people do out there. And you put it on the other person...this goes back to kind of the victim, you know, thing where...well, not really the victim thing, but you say, you know, "What's YOUR problem?" Like, "Why are you killin' my fun? Like, everybody does this." And you don't -
Dick: (interjects) Everybody does what? Drinks too much?
Sean: "Everybody parties like this."
Dick: Ohh, yeah.
Sean: "Everybody uses dru-..." You know, it's like...because it's, like, all of your friends, and it's all the people you're associating with.
Maddox: But that's not the type of person...that's...we're talkin' about two different profiles here. We're talkin' about someone in denial still, versus someone who realizes they have a problem, knows what the problem is, and then wants to go out and address it. That person is really rare. That person...and by the way... (Sean starts to protest) And by the way, I think the problem is, the reason that these people don't get that help is because they may feel judged. They may feel like -
Sean: (interjects) Yes.
Maddox: They may feel like everybody sees it as a moral failing, and a lot of times it's not. If you watch that video...I'll link to it on the website again. It's from..."In a Nutshell" is the YouTube channel. Highly recommend everyone watch this video. I've been proselytizing this video for so long. But it is a connectedness problem. It's a problem with connectedness, not a problem necessarily with a...of a -
Dick: (interjects) With other people, you mean?
Dick: Connected with...? Man, that's the...well...yeah.
Sean: There's certainly an element of that.
Maddox: It's...that's the primary...I mean, that's the variable that they change in that study, and they found a VASTLY different outcome with rats who were addicted to cocaine and rats who weren't.
Sean: (hesitant) Yeah, I think it's -
Dick: (interjects) But we got plenty of people to study.
Sean: Yeah, it's...
Dick: Like, it's nice that a rat in a cage reacted exactly in this very simplistic way to addiction, but we've got millions of people who are addicts and who have support networks who are harmed by addiction to study, and the...that's...it's not as clear-cut as that.
Maddox: It seems to be! The ones...my friends...my...
Sean: No, it's...
Dick: Nyeah, it's just not.
Maddox: Look, my friends, personally...from my own personal experience and my anecdotes.
Maddox: My friends who have been addicted to drugs and alcohol, for the longest time...I can't say the name of this person. He's kind of a minor celebr-...
Dick: (interjects) Just make up his name!
Dick: "My friend Tift-..."
Sean: Whatever, your friend.
Maddox: Yeah. A friend...a friend -
Dick: (interjects) "Donny the Drinker."
Maddox: Yeah. Guy the Drinker, right? Huge, huge problem with alcohol and drugs. It's basically ruined his career. And everybody, EVERYBODY came down on him. I mean, this guy's a pu-...kind of a public figure, so, like, the world came down on this guy.
Dick: Is it Mickey Rourke?
Maddox: I'm not gonna say.
Sean: No, that's true!
Maddox: I'm not gonna say who.
Sean: It's like, you feel like you're being accused.
Maddox: Exactly! And that sense of judgment comes from our belief, based on that old-school study, right or wrong and whether or not we've studied it. But based on that, our belief that it's still a moral failing.
Maddox: And then JUDGING people -
Dick: (interjects) Maybe.
Maddox: Judging people for it, and then they make...they feel LESS connected. They feel more isolated, and more likely to turn back to drugs.
Sean: No, I...
Maddox: However, there has been a recent change in this guy. He's come off the...wagon. Is that the right phrase?
Sean: Yeah, you can say "fall off the wagon."
Maddox: He's fall-...
Sean: Or, well...that term...
(talking over each other)
Dick: Nonononono, he's on the wagon. He's not drinking.
Maddox: He's on the wagon. Okay. He's not drinking.
Sean: Oh, he's NOT drinking? Oh, yeah.
Dick: He's on the wagon.
Sean: He's on the wagon. Yeah.
Maddox: He's not. And it has a lot to do with a personal friend of mine who befriended him, and they were both addicts and he realized, like, "Look, I get it. This is a really shitty situation, but you need someone on your side. You need that support network. And I know you're gonna fail, but I gotta be there for you and tell you, 'Get back on...off the wagon.'"
Sean: And that's the whole point...
Maddox: On the wagon.
Sean: ...of the support groups and things like that, which I don't do, by the way. I didn't get sober that way. And, uh...
Maddox: So what was your addiction, Sean?
Sean: ...a lot of people do. Alcohol.
Maddox: Oh, you were an alcoholic?
Sean: Oh yeah, alcohol.
Sean: Yeah, alcohol. They say, you know, "once, always..." You know, I've heard a lot of the 12 Step, you know, programs. I tried some meetings. Didn't really fit for me, but it was -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause of all the God stuff?
Sean: Uh, yeah. I mean, that's a big reason.
Dick: Part of it?
Sean: But you know what they always say, that's...you know, take what you need, and...you don't have to buy everything hook, line and sinker. But yeah, befo-...
Maddox: (interjects) It's like a buffet.
Sean: Going back to...yeah. (chuckles) But going back to your point, yeah, the support network is important. And then going further back...
Dick: Well, I can talk abou-...
Sean: ...the responsibility thing, you're right! It's not ju-...if your family, if you grew up dysfunctional, you think...I thought my family was normal for a long time. It's like, "Oh, everybody's got shit." It wasn't until I started learning about myself and learning about really outside people and how a lot of people...you know, I put "normal" in quotes, 'cause there is really no "normal." But it's like -
Dick: (interjects) It's MORE normal, though.
Sean: To do what?
Dick: Like, there...it's...there is a normal! I mean, there...
Sean: Yeah! There's a...
Dick: You can use that without having to qualify it. There is!
Sean: Sure. No, that's true.
Dick: There is a normal...
Sean: It's the middle of the bell curve, right?
Sean: But it's really...the more you know about kind of other people, you kinda learn a lot about yourself. And you start thinking, you know, "Maybe they could be right." Because like I said, you've got this rea-...
Dick: (interjects) About what?
Sean: Um...from some of the studies I've read, they think that most alcoholics and addicts are actually...there's some honesty going on in there in that they feel that they can...that they have momentum. They're like, "Well, it's not a problem now, but I feel like I could go that way because..." Man, when the right chemical hits you, you go, "This is what I like."
Sean: And it's different. Like, in my family it could be cocaine, could be alcohol, could be speed, and there's...there always seems to be one that just talks to ya. You go, "Yes."
Sean: "This is for me," and you go, "This could be a problem."
Dick: Ohh, yeah. (quietly)
Sean: But you push it down the line, and then you become, like, the great rationalizer.
Maddox: Well...so something I've kind of noticed in the comedy scene in Los Angeles is, there are a LOT of addicts in that scene.
Sean: Oh, yeah! There's some really unhappy people...
Sean: ...with fucked-up lives, and the comedy is a coping mechanism.
Maddox: They turn to comedy as a coping mechanism, and then they still have drugs and alcohol as a crutch as well.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: And I have noticed something about some of these people. Like, people who smoke compulsively. And I know people who smoke weed here and there and it's not a problem, but people who smoke compulsively, do drugs compulsively, they have interpersonal relationship problems. They're not able to hold down a relationship. They're not able to hold down friends. They're not able to keep a connection with their family. They're not able to have those type of connections in their lives, and they...they seem to be doing so much drugs and smoking so much and drinking so much because they don't want to confront their personal feelings about these problems that they're having.
Maddox: It's kind of like it's their...it's their escape mechanism from confronting their own inner demons.
Sean: That's right!
Maddox: That's what I fe-...that's what I see in the comedy scene.
Maddox: And Dick, you have dealt with al-...with addiction as well. Do you wanna talk about that?
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Do you, or not? (Sean chuckles)
Dick: Do I wanna talk about what?
Maddox: Do you...have you ever dealt with addiction? 'Cause you were agreeing with Sean earlier.
Dick: Well... (exhales) I mean, I was really into, like, Just Cause 2.
Maddox: Yeah? (chuckling)
Dick: When it came out. I played THAT for too long.
Maddox: Pretty fun!
Dick: Um...no, if you just...what, you want just my blanket statement?
Maddox: If you want!
Dick: I think you're -
Maddox: (interjects) Whatever you wanna share.
Dick: Uh...I think there is a huge reason to come down on addicts from a position of moral authority. You talked about them as a moral failing? I think the worst thing you could do with an addict is try to support them. I think you should...the reason people react like that is not because it's some kind of brainwashed thing in them, but it's because they recognize this person is a toxic influence in their life and they need to, uh, excise it as hard as possible, 'cause it's so difficult. So I don't think that's ever gonna change. I don't think socialization and getting a bunch of people together is really the panacea for addiction. Um...I don't know, maybe the Oculus Rift is. You plug your brain in, and you can... (Sean laughs loudly) I'm serious! You could build your own fake reality where everything's perfect and you don't need drugs anymore, but phew, that'll have to be a hell of a piece of software to, uh, to compete with a bottle of liquor.
Maddox: Buddy, I got one for you. I got the Google Cardboard over the...I went to a VR seminar at the YouTube studios recently.
Maddox: And I want you to try it after. Have you ever tried it?
Dick: I've never tried any of this VR shit.
Maddox: (belches) Oh man, you're gonna love it.
Maddox: It's gonna be great. So Dick, on your point though, that you think that...that people who want to excise these pe-...these toxic people out of their lives.
Maddox: Look, I get that, because sometimes when you are in a toxic environment, you need to do what's best for yourself and get out of it. But the people I'm talkin' about who have found connection and have solved their addiction, or at least, um...yeah, solved their addictive habits, are people who have connected with other addicts. Because other addicts are the people who are going to be your friends sometimes, and it's gotta take two. I mean, it's...
Sean: They understand more than anybody else.
Maddox: Yeah, they understand. They understand what you're goin' through, they understand what it's like, and I have friends who are severe addicts and I try not to judge. I try not to...I try to put myself in their shoes, and you gotta understand that sometimes people are goin' through stuff that you can't even fathom, that you don't understand, that you don't have a full grip on, and it's easy to point your finger and say, "Fuck you, you're an addict. Fuck you for doing this. Fuck you for ruining your life and destroying your friendships," and everything like that. But you gotta try to step back and get a little bit of perspective and understand, while still taking care of yourself. Don't be in that toxic environment, but also try not to be so judgmental of people who are addicts.
Sean: I think that...no, well said.
Dick: Well...yeah, I come down the other side of that, obviously.
Sean: Um...I did a -
Dick: (interjects) You got any more?
Sean: Yeah, yeah, I do! Just a little more on a personal level. I wrote down immediate family, uh...extended family; aunts, uncles, grandparents. I did this yesterday, actually. Cousins...people that I had regular exposure to growing up. I came up with 33 names. Of those, there are 18 addicts and/or alcoholics.
Dick: Huh. Right down the middle. About.
Sean: N-...it's higher!
Dick: Higher, yeah. Sure.
Sean: Yeah, it's a...yeah. So a little -
Maddox: (interjects) 18!
Sean: Yeah, 18.
Sean: Which is a HUGE number compared to, like, you know, world statistics. Right?
Sean: So, including 5 out of 6 in my immediate family.
Maddox: Holy shit.
Sean: Yeah, 5 of 6.
Maddox: Are you the sixth that isn't?
Sean: Oh no, I am.
Maddox: You are?
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Maddox: But you...
Sean: I said I...
Maddox: But you...how long have you been sober now?
Sean: Uh, almost 4 years.
Maddox: 4 years sober.
Maddox: Not a drink?
Maddox: Good for you!
Maddox: Good for you. Fantastic. You will not be having any of this whiskey.
Sean: No, no, no. (amused)
Maddox: Which I just opened. (laughs) During the addiction problem, and started drinking in his -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's what I said at the beginning.
Dick: Yeah. (smiles)
Sean: So -
Maddox: (interjects) Uh...yeah.
Sean: So in my family, it's resulted in trouble with the law, work, relationships, suicide attempts, and death.
Sean: Not to mention sleeping with ugly people.
Maddox: Ohh. Huuuge, huge problem.
Dick: You're absolutely right.
Sean: I mean, there's...
Maddox: Oh my gosh.
Sean: Man, I've woken up a couple of times and looked for a chew toy to throw so I could get the fuck out of there. (Maddox laughs) You know.
Maddox: For her or for you? (giggles) I...look, Sean, I've dealt with addiction myself and in my family. For me, I've been fortunate enough to not be addicted to any kind of substance.
Maddox: This...by the way, this whiskey that I'm drinking right now is the first drink I've had in over a month and a half. I don't...I just don't drink anymore. It just...eh, it's just not somethin' I do that much. I haven't been addicted to drugs or smoking or any of that other stuff.
Maddox: For me... (chuckles)
Dick: Dark Souls.
Maddox: N-...uh...Dark Souls, for real!! Absolutely! Actually.
Dick: Yeah, of course it's an addiction.
Maddox: Dark Souls II. When Dark Souls II came out I was writing "I Am Better Than Your Kids," my second book, and I remember I was coming home and a buddy of mine was at my apartment, and I called him up. I'm like, "Hey man, can you do me a favor?" He goes, "Yeah, anything." And I said, "Can you walk over to my PlayStation 3, eject the disc, and then hide it from me? And then no matter what I say when I come home, don't give it to me." And he goes, "Yeah, no problem." And then I come home and I'm like, "Hey, look man, I changed my mind. It was a huge mistake. Just give me the disc. I was just fuckin' around on the phone," and he goes, "I'm not gonna give it to you." I'm like, "Okay. But for real, give me the disc. I want the disc."
Dick: Is this gonna turn into an erotic story? (Maddox, Sean and Randy laugh)
Maddox: Are you hopin' I slip up and say "dicks" instead of "discs"? But, uh... (Randy laughs)
Dick: No! "I'll suck your dick for Dark Souls III." (Maddox laughs) Have you ever sucked dick for weed?
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean chuckles)
Maddox: So I...I started badgering him for the disc, like...at first it was kind of jokey, but then near the end I started getting really mean with my friends. (Dick giggles) And I would say -
Dick: (interjects) That's addiction!
Maddox: I would say...yeah, it was addiction!
Maddox: And I started saying shit like, "Okay, fine. Fuck it. I don't want the disc anymore," and he was like, "What do you mean?" I'm like, "I guess, you know, a lot of people work really hard and they deserve some time off and they deserve to enjoy themselves, but not me!"
Dick: The guilt.
Maddox: Yeah!! (Dick laughs loudly) And I started guilting him!
Dick: Ohh, man.
Maddox: My poor friend, who's doing nothing but, like, what I asked him to do in my best interest, and I started guilting him.
Maddox: So that was me with video games, and for a little while, back when I was younger, in college still, I...a little bit, I think I was addicted to porn for a little while.
Maddox: Because I was in...in Utah, porn addiction is huge! In Utah.
Dick: The masturbating or the porn?
Maddox: Well, I mean...
Sean: It's so repressed.
Dick: Would just, like, watch?
Sean: Like, that state is so repressed, isn't it?
Maddox: Yeah, it's weird! 'Cause sometimes I...I remember I would lose track of time, and it would be HOURS had gone by. And I wasn't even, like, doing...I was just looking -
Dick: (interjects) Days and years. Big beard growing, lots of jerking off. (cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah. (smiles) I was looking...but I've kicked that habit. I don't...you know, I'm not compulsive about porn. I'm not compulsive about...well, I am about Dark Souls III, and it's not a problem. Uh...
Dick: Except for when book deadli-... (Maddox laughs) Like, how many authors have missed book deadlines because of liquor? Probably a lot.
Maddox: Or made them because of liquor!
Dick: (snickers) Nope!
Maddox: Hunter S. Thompson? Huh? Hemingway, maybe?
Dick: Oh... (scoffing)
Dick: Very forgiving editor.
Sean: Yeah, and you know what? And they were both miserable people.
Maddox: Yeah, they were.
Sean: MISERABLE people.
Dick: Who killed themselves.
Maddox: And one last note, my...in my family, personally, there has been gambling addiction in my family.
Maddox: And it has...WRECKED -
Sean: (interjects) It's all about the...it's all about the reward section of your brain.
Sean: That's how that gets reinforced.
Maddox: Well, that's...yeah, that's part of it, but -
Sean: (interjects) And it changes your brain.
Maddox: But honestly Sean, I go back to that video -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah! Yeah, totally does.
Maddox: I go back to that -
Sean: (interjects) No, it does. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, it does. It does rewire your circuitry, because if you keep doing those same patterns in your brain, you're going to KEEP doing those same patterns in your brain.
Maddox: But... (stammers) This al-...this gambling addiction has wrecked my family.
Maddox: It has been...SO devastating to my family. Interpersonal relationships, huge problems, all sorts of...every aspect of life you can imagine has been affected by this.
Maddox: And I go back to that video about addiction, and think about the environment and how connected you are to people, and I can see that problem permeating throughout my family. And people in my family, if...you know, the ones who are addicted to things, usually I look at their lives and their surroundings and they're in toxic environments that make them unhappy.
Sean: Oh, I...no, I agree 100%.
Maddox: And that's exactly, I think, what, uh...what is the petri dish for addiction.
Sean: Yeah, I see...well, yeah. I see what you're saying. It -
Maddox: (interjects) The incubator.
Sean: But, again, I'll go back to the responsibility part, on the part of that person. I'm big into that, because...like I said, you can become an addict or an alcoholic or whatever, and...you know, you bring up the other addictions, which is good. I'm focusing on drugs and alcohol because it's what I know.
Sean: You were saying, "Ah, it's a big leap for them to realize that they have a problem," and that kind of a thing. Possibly so, but at some point, you have to know that you're not happy.
Maddox: Well, sure. I...
Sean: I mean, you're...you can't...you can only talk yourself into it. There was moments when I was drinking where it was like a hole opened up, and I couldn't imagine feeling worse. Everything was a hopeless...it was...life was just hopeless. And if that had lasted more than about an hour, I would've killed myself that day. No hyperbole. Um...
Maddox: (interjects) Hyperbola. (laughs to himself)
Dick: No, you were right.
Sean: Was I?
Maddox: No, I'm just bustin' your balls.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Dick: He always fucks it up.
Sean: Ohhh, okay.
Maddox: You know, a quick aside. The only reason I know that word as "hyperbola" instead of "hyperbole" is because the first time I encountered it was in mathematics. Not in English.
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway.
Sean: So, it is "hyperbole"?
Maddox: It's "hyperbole."
Sean: Okay, yeah.
Maddox: You said it right, Sean. I was just, uh, bustin' on myself. But Sean, I'm glad that you were able to kick the addiction for 4 years, and I'm glad you got out of that dark spot. That sounds...I mean, for people who have not been addicted to anything, you're very fortunate. Consider yourselves very lucky, because it is devastating when it happens. You know, Sean, you hit on a point here. You said that addicts have to know that they're not happy. I think that...I don't think that a lot of addicts are under any kind of delusions that they're happy. I know...I know, personally, people who've...whose family has been destroyed because their family came to them and said, "You have a choice to make. You can choose drugs, or you can choose us."
Maddox: And they said, "I choose drugs."
Sean: Then you feel worse!
Maddox: (interjects) And they're...but they're not...yeah, of course, but they're not happy people.
Maddox: They're not happy people. They're not happy, and they're not under any kind of delusions that they're doing the right thing in life, and I think that honestly, the help that these people need, sometimes...if we maybe looked at them with a little less judgment and a little bit more empathy, we could probably f-...we could probably make a little bit more headway towa-...I mean, how'd you solve your addiction, Sean?
Sean: By learning about myself.
Sean: I went...yeah, I went to talk somebody for years. And the more I found out about myself, it was why I felt this way...uh, how my family came into it, and it's a long process, because contrary to popular belief, like, a therapist? They don't tell you what to do.
Sean: If you have a therapist who's telling you what to do, get rid of that therapist. That's not -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, what?
Sean: That's not what they tell you to do.
(talking over each other)
Maddox: (interjects) They're not supposed to.
Sean: They don't tell you to do anything...no! Their job is to -
Dick: (interjects) (inaudible) ...weird dress-wearing therapy that he always makes me do. Is that wrong? (Sean chuckles)
Sean: Their job is to get you thinking. `
Sean: And asking questions. And -
Maddox: (interjects) They're supposed to use the Socratic...yeah.
Sean: If they do it for you...
Maddox: (interjects) You can't -
Sean: You're not doin' it! It's not yours.
Maddox: Right. You can't be lectured on how to change. You have to come to those connections, and they have to lead you there in a way that, uh, makes you...makes you discover the solution yourself.
Sean: And so they feel true, and when dealt with a lot of that stuff, I didn't feel the need to get out of my head so much.
Maddox: I agree.
Sean: And I was able to just kind of put it down, and I didn't...I didn't trade booze for Jesus. Or for, like, working out 10 hours a day. Like...you know, one compulsive behavior for another.
Sean: Because so-...
Dick: (interjects) Okay. Working out?
Maddox: No, it can equally...
Sean: Oh -
Maddox: (interjects) It can be equally devastating.
Maddox: There's, um...there's -
Sean: (interjects) If it impacts your relationships, I guess!
Sean: I mean...
Maddox: I mean, there are people who trade one addiction for another, and it becomes something that you do compulsively that is unhealthy for you.
Maddox: Like, anything you do compulsively, even eating healthy, exercising; anything it is, can b-...if you do it compulsively, can be devastating to you and your friends and your relationships.
Sean: Yeah, and that sudden change, trading...you know, one thing for another, it often doesn't last.
Maddox: Yeah. I've seen it happen in...Sean, so...it sounds like therapy has helped, and therapy does help sometimes.
Sean: It's the best thing I've ever done.
Maddox: So I would recommend, for anyone listening, if you guys are struggling with addiction, see a therapist, but don't look at...like, there's a stigma associated with therapy that I would hope that America can get...can move past, because therapy does not mean that there is something necessarily wrong or broken about you, but sometimes you go to a therapist to learn about yourself. And it's only through this learning process that you're able to solve your problems like addiction. Therapy is the crucial component in that healing process.
Sean: You know what? I'm a "whatever works" guy.
Sean: I mean, if it's...it's whatever helps you not destroy relationships, you know, works. I guess... (stammers) I don't relate to the trading, you know, drugs or alcohol for one thing or another. We're goin' really long, I apologize.
Maddox: No, it's fine, Sean. What tr-...what Sean is tryin' to say is, vote up Pragmatism on the Solutions. (Sean laughs loudly)
Sean: Exactly. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yeah, where do you think Addiction belongs on the big list? You think it's worse than Horses?
Sean: Man, I hate horses.
Dick: Yeah, that's true.
Maddox: I'm gonna bring glue in as a solution.
Sean: We had to make mules because horses suck.
Maddox: Yeah. (Randy laughs) Fuckin' horses.
Dick: That's a good point.
Sean: You know, for work and stuff?
Maddox: Uh-huh. (giggles)
Dick: YOU didn't make that point.
Sean: Where's... (cracks up)
Dick: (Cool Sean sound clip: "Oh! That was a good one, Sean.") Ah, there you go. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: Heyyy! (happy)
Sean: Thank you, Cool Sean.
Maddox: Ahh, nailed it.
Sean: What a voice. What a voice on that guy.
Dick: Yeah, he's great!!
Sean: He's got one of those, uh, 3-ball voices. (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: What's that mean?
Sean: As they say. He's got, like, a th-...
Dick: (interjects) Like he's got 3 balls?
Maddox: That's...EXACTLY what it sounds like, yeah. (laughs) Sean, great problem. Thank you for sharing your, uh, your personal stories and insight, and you...
Sean: Oh, thanks!
Maddox: Again, guys -
Sean: (interjects) It's what I know.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. If you guys are struggling with this, you know, learn about yourself, and...and talk to a therapist. There's a website...I think it was called, um, Therapick.com, where you could go and find a therapist that would match whatever you were looking for. If you were dealing with a...you know, whatever kind of problems. And different therapists have different styles and approaches, so if you go to a bad therapist, don't discount all therapists. Talk to another one, see if you can find one.
Sean: Oh, there's some crazy motherfuckers out there.
Maddox: Sure! There are people who believe...who approach psychological healing through spiritualism, there are people who approach psychological healing through...uh, connectedness and group therapy and conversation, and psychology and science. There's l-...it runs the gamut. Find one who works with you.
Sean: And why limit yourself to the av-...you know, of available options?
Maddox: Yeah. And you might be surprised at...you think you sit down in an office and you talk to a therapist, and they're just gonna tell you how to fix your life. That's not the case.
Sean: No!! That's not what they're supposed to do AT ALL.
Maddox: No. No, and...yeah, like what Sean said, run.
Sean: That's...I think that's more like a life coach or something.
Dick: Yes, get a life coach!
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: They're GREAT.
Sean: I think that's...
Maddox: Ohhh! (sarcastic) (cracks up) Perfect. Alright, Dick. Well, thank you, Sean. Finally, for our 100th episode. Thanks for bringing a problem in.
Sean: There you go. And you know what? People have emailed me a lot on this. They say, "I heard you say something on the show."
Sean: "Like, what's that about? I blah blah..."
Dick: About addiction?
Sean: Yeah, about that kind of stuff. So I'll...I mean, I love it when I get those kind of emails.
Maddox: Yeah. I -
Sean: (interjects) Because sometimes I'll say something and they'll go, like, "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."
Maddox: I get a lot of emails on asteroids.
Sean: Yeah, well, that's... (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: I have no idea what you mean. I just like the taste of whiskey.
Sean: Asteroids...asteroids may be a bigger problem.
Maddox: Yeah. They are for sure.
Dick: Than addiction?
Maddox: For sure. Alright, Dick...
Dick: Alright, I'm gonna play...I'm gonna play a couple more, uh, greetings from these guys. This one's from Eliazar. What d-...does he have a...? He's got a different name on the thumbnails. It's "Tartar."
Maddox: "Tatar." Tatar?
Dick: He goes by "Tatar" or something.
Dick: Yeah. He sent us in -
Maddox: (interjects) El-...he also makes thumbnails! Thank you, Eliazar. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, he sent in a congratulations. (plays next message)
Eliazar: Hey guys, Eliazar Tatar here, your resident Photoshopper. Congrats on the 100th episode. This may very well be the only podcast that is truly unskippable.
Eliazar: You guys don't rely on celebrities, pop culture or stupid gimmicks. Just genuine comedic genius. It's been an honor listening and working with you guys.
Maddox: Heyyy! (happy)
Eliazar: (stupid voice) Spoiler alert to all the fans out there. (Maddox laughs) (cuts off voice) Whoever brings in "accountability" is going to win. It's the biggest problem in the universe, as well as the biggest solution.
Maddox: Yeah, sorry.
Sean: That's a great problem.
Maddox: No. No, it's not.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) NO.
Dick: Well, you messed up, Sean. Here, I got it.
Maddox: We already brought in the big...the two big "A" problems this week, which is Asteroids and Addiction. We don't need another "A" problem. It's not gonna trump those.
Sean: You're a letterist.
Maddox: Eh! I'm fine with that.
Dick: Alright, here's one from Denzel. Uh, you remember Denzel.
Dick: He brought in Being Black. It was great.
Sean: I'd love it if he would come back.
Dick: Me too!
Sean: He could talk about just about anything and have some insight. He's a great guy.
Dick: Well, let's see how he does in this 30-second clip first. (plays next message)
Denzel: Hey! It's, uh, Denzel, AKA Black Kermit the Frog. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Congratulations on making it to 100 episodes. You guys have some of the most entertaining content available for free. It's a tough feat, especially considering that most podcasts on the Internet are boring, pretentious and horseshit.
Denzel: Shoutouts to Randy, Sean, Dick, and Maddox. You guys put on a wonderful show every week.
Denzel: Thanks again for having me, and here's to 100 more episodes.
Dick: Oh, that's cool.
Maddox: Heyyy, very cool. ('ding!' sound effect) Awesome! Thank you, Denzel.
Sean: I knew he was cool when I...when he laughed at my, like, immediately racist joke.
Dick: The wallet joke?
Sean: I was glad, 'cause...he's a huge dude.
Maddox: He's... (everyone laughs)
Dick: Haaaa. Uhh, this is a...mine's a pretty simple problem. Way bigger than addiction, though.
Sean: I'm sure!
Dick: Yeah. Way b-...a-...way bigger than asteroids.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Maddox: What do you got?
Sean: It's certainly more people.
Maddox: My hand's on the buzzer! Or the 'ding'-er. I don't know which one to press, Dick!
Dick: Can't live with them.
Sean: That's it? (Maddox and Randy laugh)
Dick: That's my whole problem. There you go. Vote it up. (everyone cracks up)
Maddox: Ohhh, boy.
Dick: Sean, come on.
Sean: We're gonna need some stats. (grins)
Dick: What do you need st-...
Maddox: How many are...?
Dick: What do you need stats -
Maddox: (interjects) Like, how many are there? I don't know!
Sean: That's why I said it.
Dick: I brought in the Wikipedia about it.
Maddox: For women?
Dick: Wikipedia defines a woman...as a female human. (Randy snickers in the background)
Dick: That's true! The term "woman" is usually reserved for an adult, with the term "girl" being used for a female child or adolescent. But we all know what they really are: deceitful succubi.
Maddox: Ohh, boy. (grins) (Sean giggles) This...
Sean: That's a -
Dick: (interjects) Who are only...who are only after one thing!
Sean: That's in Wikipedia??
Dick: Yes! But we don't know what that one thing is. Do we?
Maddox: Mmm. Mhmm.
Dick: That's the problem. (smiles)
Maddox: Mhm. (chuckling)
Dick: If we could ever find out what they wanted, every...we'd all be happy.
Dick: But we can't figure it out.
Maddox: No more addiction! (laughs)
Dick: No m-...no more addiction! Yeah! Good woman will fix THAT right up.
Maddox: This is -
Dick: (interjects) Right, Sean?
Sean: (stammers) Yeah, sure!
Dick: The stats prove that.
Sean: If she... (cracks up) If she's an addict.
Maddox: If she brings the chew toy back! (giggles)
Sean: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: Hey, um...this has been, I think, the most Dick Masterson episode we've had. This is a very Dick Masterson problem.
Dick: What do you mean? Why?
Maddox: What do you mean, "what do I mean"? You are the author of Men Are Better Than Women.
Dick: Look, it's up to the audience!! I'm just bringing in the problem.
Maddox: It's an objective...no, what's the word? Order? Somebody...
Dick: Order? Sure.
Dick: Yeah. What are you saying? I've done more for women than pretty much anyone else, I would say.
Maddox: Oh! I... (scoffs) You've done things to women, for sure! Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. (smiles)
Sean: He's certainly upped the lesbian population.
Maddox: Yeah, for sure! Uh-huh. He's l-...he's upped... (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. (laughing) Sure.
Maddox: He's upped the...
Dick: 'Cause they CAN just turn it on and off. You're right, Sean.
Sean: Yeah! (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Ohhh, boy. Ohh, boy. He's upped the level of misandry, I would say.
Maddox: Huh? Maybe a little bit?
Dick: 'Cause I'm real with them. That's why.
Dick: Real talk. We all appreciate real talk, right?
Maddox: This is...y-...we'll rename the show to "Real Talk." Maybe that'll be the name of the new network comin' out. (laughs)
Dick: Teach a man to fish... (Sean snickers)
Dick: ...you feed him for a day.
Dick: But teach AMANDA to fish, you're gonna have a bad day. (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) That's real talk!
Maddox: Did you make that up?
Dick: That's real talk. Yeah.
Maddox: That's pretty funny.
Dick: That's real talk. (grinning)
Dick: Look, it's...it's pretty much impossible to have sex with women. (Maddox spits out laughing) (Randy guffaws)
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: Is that true or false?
Maddox: True!! It's true! (cracks up)
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: As a gay...for a gay man, it would be impossible to have sex with a woman.
Dick: Either way.
Maddox: Either way.
Dick: Either way. Impossible.
Maddox: A straight man...okay, what -
Dick: Why -
Sean: (interjects) No, there's a lot of...like, older gay guys have families and stuff.
Maddox: That's true. That's true, Sean.
Dick: Yeah! Gay or straight, it's just as hard!
Maddox: Look, I have no problem havin' sex with women.
Dick: (scoffs) O-...okay. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: We're not all you.
Dick: Well, let's...you vote it down, then.
Maddox: Do you want lessons?? Do you want le-...I can give tutorials.
Dick: Doesn't matter. All the tutorials in the world don't matter.
Maddox: Banging tutorials!
Dick: Yeah. (muttering)
Maddox: With Maddox.
Dick: Why did we...why did we invent all this birth control if it's so hard to have sex? All the time? That's all I'm asking.
Maddox: What are you talkin' about, "so hard to have sex"?
Dick: Why...why does it take women so long to get ready?
Dick: Big problem. (Sean giggles)
Dick: Are you gonna say that that's not a problem?
Maddox: See, here's the thing, Dick. The only person you've ever had sex with in the room, other than the girl, is yourself. So the one variable that you could -
Dick: (interjects) Other than the girl? What are you talkin' about?
Maddox: No, the...there's only two people in the room, sometimes...I don't know, maybe your life coach jerkin' off in the corner. I don't know what's goin' on in your...in your bedroom. I don't wanna...you know, no judgments, no asking. Right? But, the only other person in the room other than girl, usually, that you're havin' sex with is you! So the one variable that's n-...that's, uh, that can be changed in that equation is YOU.
Dick: Maddox, why does it take them so long to get ready? (Maddox and Sean laugh) That's...the real question.
Maddox: That's what I'm saying! It's YOU! (laughs more)
Dick: No, to go out.
Maddox: Oh, to g-...ohh, okay.
Dick: Not talkin' about sex!! All the tiiiime!
Maddox: All the time.
Dick: Why does...what am I d-...what am I doin'? I don't...I gotta wait for you to do what? Why did you tell me to come over at 6, but you're not ready until like 6:20? What am I...I don't have time to play a video game.
Dick: I just gotta sit there! And stare at the wall.
Maddox: You know what my move is? This drives every girl I've ever dated crazy.
Sean: Go sit in the car?
Maddox: Yeah!! I sit...and I tell them right before I do it, say...while they're still preppin' their hair and stuff?
Maddox: And I don't know...I learned this move from my dad, and I don't know why it pissed off my mom so much, but I tried it with a girl I was dating.
Maddox: I would go up to her while she's getting ready and I'd be like, "Okay, I'll be out in the car." And they lo-...they instantly...zero to 60, their fuse EXPLODES. They get so pissed off. They're like, "Fuck you!! I'm gettin' ready! I'm puttin' on my...I'm doin'...my shoe! My purse! Blah blah blah!"
Dick: That's not a good start to a date. (Maddox giggles) Two people...maybe for you! This is your dream date. Two people pissed off at each other, screaming in a car.
Maddox: Ahhh, man, it's so much fun. I...you know what, guys? Anyone listening right now in a relationship...so, like, what, 4 or 5 of you?
Maddox: Try this with your wife or girlfriend next time she's gettin' ready. Just say, "I'll be out in the car." See how pissed off that makes her. I don't know why...would that piss you off, Dick?
Dick: If you got in your car right now and left? No. (everyone laughs) Why...why can women never decide what to have for dinner?
Maddox: Oh, that's a big...
Maddox: That's a fuckin'... ('ding!' sound effect) Oh my...
Maddox: Yeah. (applause sound effect)
Dick: ...the hell is the problem?
Maddox: Amen to that. It's so common that there's even a meme that's going around with, uh...what's his name, from Dawson's Creek? Whatever. Or no, um...I don't know who the celebrities are, but it's a guy who's asking a girl... (cracking up) He's saying, "What do you want?" And she...oh, it's from The Notebook!
Maddox: He goes, "What - "
Dick: (interjects) You never know what they want!
Maddox: He goes, "What do you want?" and she goes, "I don't know!"
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: And he goes, "What do you WANT?" and she goes, "I don't know!!" (high-pitched)
Dick: "Pizza?" "I had pizza."
Maddox: "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" And she goes, "I don't know! I can't...I don't...beh, beh, beh!!!" Just...you know what, guys? Make a decision! Here's the thing, Dick. I d-...I've dated girls before where I asked them what they want, and it's like, "I don't know!" (whiny) And I say, "Look, sweetie, you're not gonna get your way 100% of the time. In fact, it's gonna more like 50% of the time. I'm just curious in case what you want is what I want, 'cause then we don't have to have this debate! You're not gonna get your way all the time, I'm not gonna get my way all the time."
Dick: Look at this stress and aggravation that's being caused to you.
Maddox: This is...I...this is the sweatiest I've been -
Dick: (interjects) This is an assault.
Dick: On you.
Maddox: It's assa-...it's ASSAULT. #YesAllMen.
Dick: Speaking of crime... (Maddox and Sean crack up) A thousand murders every year are perpetrated by women. (Maddox giggles) That's a lot of murdering.
Maddox: A thousand?
Maddox: That's it??
Dick: What do you mean, "that's it"? That's a thousand people, Maddox.
Sean: In the US?
Maddox: Compared to men...
Sean: In the US?
Dick: Yes, in the US. According to the FBI.
Sean: That's...more than I would've thought.
Dick: It's a lot.
Sean: Well, I mean, are there...what...aren't there -
Dick: (interjects) That's a lot!
Sean: There's, like, about...what is it, like, 15,000 murders a year?
Dick: Doesn't matter! That doesn't matter. That doesn't matter. (Maddox and Randy chuckle) That's a fallacy.
Sean: Is it?
Dick: That's a tu quoque fallacy. (Maddox laughs) Yeah, I looked it up.
Dick: Yes. (smiles) That means other people are doing it too, so it's a fallacy.
Dick: Still murder, Sean! It's still a thousand murders!
Maddox: You know what, Dick? I...it's taken a hundred episodes for someone to mention that on this show, but that is...that is a fallacy that I commit a lot, and no...and people rarely -
Dick: (interjects) Maddox, you do the entire list ALL THE TIME. (Sean cackles)
Maddox: No I don't!! No, I fuckin' don't!
Dick: Your middle name is Straw Man.
Maddox: I've made them...you're the fuckin' straw man!! You're the strawest man I've ever met in my life! I can't even see you. All I see is STRAW.
Dick: Uh-huh. (sarcastic) (Sean and Randy laugh)
Maddox: Anyway, man. Uh... (chuckles)
Dick: Did you know that...that men, 14...men are more likely...are 14 times more likely to be arrested for drug crimes?
Maddox: Yeah, I believe it.
Dick: Why aren't women out there selling any drugs? If you wanna get drugs, you gotta find a guy! Right?
Maddox: You know, I am curious about that statistic, Dick, because I recently looked this up. 91% of incarcerations are men.
Maddox: 91% of people who are in prison are men today!
Dick: Hey, speaking of prison, how 'bout shows like Bachelor and The Voice?
Dick: All -
Maddox: (interjects) (buzzer sound effect) Garbage.
Dick: They're horrible!
Dick: They're all driven by women. They're...it's... (Maddox sighs) It's 3 hours of nonse-...of brain-numbing, escapist nonsense. It's totally different than football, too, because I want to watch football. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Okay. Oh, man.
Dick: Women. Right? (Maddox and Sean crack up again) Fat ads? Fat women in ads?
Dick: Remember when ads used to all be hot chicks?
Dick: And they were like, "Hey, you wanna buy some soap? Check out my tits?"
Dick: And I'm like, "Well, I'm not gonna buy that soap, but I'll take you up on the lookin' at the tits." Right?
Dick: "M'lady." (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Like a true...spoken like a true feminist. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Y-...right? Not anymore!
Dick: Now it's...now they got King Hippo up there sellin' soap. (Maddox and Sean laugh) I don't wanna buy soap from King Hippo.
Sean: Ohh, man.
Maddox: Why not?? You know what? I would trust a fat person to sell me soap more than a skinny person, because a skinny person uses less of it. (Randy snickers in the background)
Dick: Credit cards.
Sean: Yeah, a fat person's gotta be really, uh, conscious about that stuff. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, 'cause you gotta get under your boobs!!
Sean: Well, in the f-...
Maddox: Fat...man or woman, you gotta wash under your boobs.
Dick: How 'bout credit cards?
Maddox: What about 'em?
Dick: Credit. 66% of women have credit card debt compared to 33% of men, in a certain age grou-...I...well, I...apparently I didn't write this stat down very well.
Maddox: Nope. (snorts and laughs)
Dick: Ah. I have nightmares ab-...of women getting ahold my credit card. Right?
Dick: I wake up from...I'm in a cold sweat. My phone's lighting up...of huge purchases going through, and I'm freaking out. I open the door to try to get my credit card back, and I'm...there's an avalanche of credit card bills pouring in from Tiffany's and Nordstrom's. And Whole Foods. (Randy and Sean snicker) Like...
Sean: Whole Foods? That's perfect. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah. So I call 911, right? To report all these viol-...these stolen credit cards.
Dick: And some -
Sean: (interjects) Email dispatcher.
Dick: Yeah! (Sean laughs) She goes, "Mhm! That's what you get!"
Maddox: "Mmhm!" (sassy) (everyone laughs)
Dick: And I go, "NOOOOOO!" and I wake up.
Dick: Yeah. How 'bout w-... (stammers) This is interesting, actually: weddings.
Dick: 50 billion-dollar industry.
Maddox: Oh my gosh.
Dick: Right? Women initiate 70% of divorces!
Dick: Guess how many non-marriage di-...uh, breakups are initiated by women? 50! It's right down the middle.
Dick: So marriages...
Dick: ...are split mo-...are initiated more by them. Isn't that interesting?
Maddox: Yep, yep.
Dick: It's interesting.
Maddox: Mhm! Very interesting.
Sean: Why is that?
Dick: Uh...I mean, I don't -
Maddox: (interjects) Why is that, Sean?
Sean: Do you speculate?
Dick: I don't know! I don't know. I have an unrelated stat that 3% of alimony is paid by men.
Maddox: (bitchy voice) Well, actually, Sean, it's because most women... (Dick laughs) 1 out of every 2 women is in a domestic violence situation, and 1 out of every 2 women is raped.
Dick: Is that true?
Dick: Oh. Um...let's see, I got...I probably got one more.
Sean: Wait, 3%? What? Go back to that.
Sean: Say that stat again. I missed it.
Dick: 3% of alimony is paid by men? Somethin' like that?
Sean: 3% of a-...?
Maddox: 3% paid by men??
Dick: That's what this thing on Forbes sai-...that's what this thing I saw on Forbes said.
Maddox: By MEN? That d-...that doesn't...
Dick: Nyeah, I don't know. I was lookin' it up on my phone, though. (Randy laughs) I don't know, guys.
Maddox: It's gotta be women.
Dick: Here's...wait, here's one I actually do re-...okay, so check this out for driving. Right? This study did...they did...uh, researchers who studied thousands of traffic accidents over 20 years. They found that the rate of accidents for miles driven was about even. However, these guys looked up women-on-women accidents, and it was, like...it blew over the stats by like 50%. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Like, they expected...per miles driven, it was supposed to be like 16%, but they found that the amount of sideswiping was like 50% or something like that.
Dick: Compared to 16 with men.
Maddox: You gotta honk!
Dick: So for all the guys making self-driving cars, it's cool to make chick robots, but for the cars, make sure they're male robots. (Maddox and Sean giggle) Self-driving cars. How 'bout this one? All of these...all of these jokes that I've just told you were written by a woman.
Maddox: Were they really?
Sean: Ohhh, look at that!
Maddox: No joke?
Maddox: Who's the woman?
Dick: They weren't.
Maddox: Okay. (cracks up)
Sean: Ohh! (disappointed) (Randy laughs in the background)
Dick: You could imagine.
Maddox: Fuckin' ass. (laughs)
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) (applause sound effect)
Dick: That's it.
Maddox: You get a buzzer and a clap for that. (giggling)
Dick: That's it. Come on.
Maddox: That's all you got on wom-...? Women...
Dick: Why -
Maddox: (interjects) 50%...you think 50% of the population is a problem?
Dick: Why do they take so long to text back? (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: I've never...
Dick: What are they...
Maddox: Never a problem with me, Dick!
Dick: What are they doing? Right? I'm just trying to...to bang...to get some action as quickly as possible here. What's the delay?
Dick: What's the... (stammers) What are you...what are you doin'? Why is there the long pause?
Maddox: You're text-...
Dick: (interjects) Two hours to text back?
Maddox: You're texting girls that -
Dick: (interjects) 3 hours to text back?
Maddox: They're playing games with you, man.
Dick: What's going on?
Maddox: That's a game! They're playin' a game.
Dick: Hey. (shrugs)
Maddox: 'Cause girls know sometimes...like, I hate the society that we were raised in, because women think that if you reply too quickly to a text...and sometimes men think this too, but if you reply too quickly, you seem needy or you seem too available, and that lowers your value in their minds. So sometimes they'll wait an hour, they'll wait two hours, they'll wait a day. You know what, guys? Guys and girls, cut the shit out. You like someone, text them back.
Sean: The movie Swingers did a whole thing on that.
Maddox: Oh, did they?
Sean: Yeah, tryin' to -
Maddox: (interjects) I've never seen it.
Sean: Yeah. Tryin' to figure out, uh, how many days to wait.
Maddox: Oh, I have blown off girls who were really interested in me because they took too long to reply! And I specifically told one...a girl one time, she texted me...we went out on a great first date, fantastic. Went out on a great second date, hooked up; everything's goin' great, right? Texted her the next day. I'm like, "Hey, what are you doin' today?" Didn't get back to me 'til two days later. I'm like, "Sorry! Dating someone else now." (cracks up) "Later, hottie."
Sean: The whole...yeah, playing the te-...that's kid shit.
Maddox: It's kid shit! Right?
Sean: It's kid shit that's -
Maddox: (interjects) And she even acknowledged it. She even told me too, later. She confessed years later. She said, "Hey, uh, sorry I took so long to reply. I just thought that you would think that I was too available if I texted you."
Maddox: I'm like, "Yeah! That's what I was checking, was your availability that day to see if you wanted to hang out! You didn't reply to me, so I assumed you didn't. Movin' on!"
Dick: Hey, speaking of kid shit: babies.
Dick: Can you imagine if babies were, like, a nuclear launch?
Sean: 100% of babies come from women.
Dick: Yes, they do. If -
Maddox: (interjects) Do they? Don't...aren't there a couple from test tubes, Sean?
Dick: I don't know.
Sean: What, you could make a test-tube ba-...?
Sean: I thought you had to implant it somewhere.
Maddox: Yeah, you do.
Dick: If babies worked like...
Sean: (interjects) Like a flowerpot.
Dick: ...nuclear launch codes, where both people had to turn the key?
Dick: There would be no more babies.
Maddox: No more babies.
Dick: That's it.
Maddox: It'd be beautiful. No toddlers!
Dick: No n-...no anybody.
Maddox: You guys like kids, though! What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Sean: Yeah, I do.
Maddox: You guys BOTH like kids.
Sean: I like...yeah! Sure.
Dick: Yeah, they're great. (Maddox and Randy crack up) Alright, that's my problem.
Maddox: Get the fuck outta here!! (giggling)
Sean: They're fun.
Maddox: You can't have kids without babies! Or women!
Sean: We'll get around that.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. It's like the...it's like I'm sitting in a room with NO MA'AM from, uh, Married With Children. (Sean laughs)
Sean: I think we were talkin' about that on the way over, actually.
Maddox: Were you really? (chuckling)
Sean: I think so.
Maddox: Great. I like women! I think women are great. They're great.
Sean: Oh, no. (muttering)
Dick: Okay. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: No, look -
Dick: (interjects) That's my problem. There you go.
Maddox: I like women. I think women are great. I don't think that women are a problem.
Maddox: I think SOME women are a problem, just like some men are a problem.
Dick: We'll see!
Maddox: How 'bout that, Dick?
Dick: We'll see. I don't know. We'll see. Asteroids, women, addiction? I guess we'll see.
Maddox: Asteroids...I think legitimately, of all the problems we've brought in in our entire 100 episodes, Asteroids is the biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: I know.
Sean: It has the potential.
Maddox: Well, I mean, anything that has the potential to wipe out 100% of life on Earth is the biggest problem in the universe.
Sean: Yeah, that's a big one!
Maddox: Yeah. Or life in the other universes! You know what, Dick? Maybe we haven't discovered those other aliens because they've been wiped out by asteroids. Vote it up! Vote up Asteroids! Guys, I have one more package before we close up the show. This is a long episode.
Maddox: The b-...I think the longest one we've ever done, our 100th episode. But I got a...I got a package here. It's, uh... (rustling) It's from Heather Carrick. Heather Carrick. She sent this package for our 100th episode, with an envelope. It says, "Dick and Maddox: Happy 100!" (chuckles) On the back it says, "Sean, better not delete this...his problem."
Sean: Ughhhhh. (growling)
Maddox: Sean. She says, "Hey Dick and Maddox! Happy 100 episodes. I bought a Christmas present for Dick, but obviously took my time mailing it, so now it's a 100 episodes gift. I also made coasters for you guys. I tried to find a picture of Sean, but no luck. If you post one, I'll make one for him as well, and Boisterous too. Also giving you a drone stamp. An artist made them to protest drone strikes tonight. Thought you'd appreciate it. Keep up the good work. No need to go fuck yourselves today. - Heather. Happy..." (chuckles) And she sent us a birthday card. It says, "Happy birthday," and she scratched out "birthday" so it says "100 episodes."
Dick: Oh, that's cool.
Sean: Yeah, but there's a...there's a horse on the cover.
Maddox: Yeah, there's a horse, and it says, "Maddox, I'm laughing at you." Thank you, Heather. And let's see these coasters. (rustling) Oh, wow, look at these coasters!!
Dick: Oh, that's neat!
Maddox: Wow, these are really cool coasters! Look at that shit.
Dick: Very cool.
Maddox: Heather, thank you so much! These are fantastic coasters. Really cool. Wow, I've ne-...I didn't even know you could do that! They look like they've been branded. They look like they're coffee-colored on the outside, and the...uh, they're on cork board. Perfect coasters. And then she sent us these, uh, little gifts. Little gift-wrapped boxes.
Dick: Ohhh, that's nice.
Maddox: There's one for Dick and, uh, I guess one for me here. Or maybe S-...maybe Sean. Let's see. (rustling)
Dick: Uh, mine is emergency underpants. That's great. One pair...I guess they're really smushed down here, like, vacuum-packed. That's funny.
Dick: One pair "Uh-Oh..." emergency underpants. "One pair fits most adults. Always ready to use." Archie McPhee's.
Sean: That is awesome.
Dick: Yeah, it's cool.
Sean: It's, like, smaller than a, uh...pack of cigarettes.
Dick: Yeah! It's a good idea.
Sean: It is.
Dick: Put that in my car!
Maddox: And Heather sent me the drone..."In Drones We Trust" stamp. It's actually a little stamp, a little wooden stamp, and it has a drone on it, and it says "In Drones We Trust" on this, uh, on this letter. And it's, uh...I guess it's to protest drone strikes. Very cool! Always shoot drones. Vote up Drones, people, but vote up Asteroids first. Asteroids, biggest problem in the universe. Alright guys, that...I think that concludes our 100th episode! We did it! (applause sound effect) ('ding!' sound effect) 100 episodes.
Sean: Amazing. I look forward to this show every week. It's probably sadly the most fun thing I do.
Maddox: That is really sad. (closing riff starts)
Sean: I know. (Maddox and Randy laugh)
Maddox: Guys, my problem this week was Asteroids.
Dick: My problem's Women!
Sean: Oh yeah, my problem's Addiction. (Maddox and Dick giggle)
Sean: I'm not used to this.
Dick: Oh man, I had a great voicemail from Matthew McConaughey, but my shit's out of batteries.
Maddox: Yeah, I would like to personally extend my thank you to Sean, and Dick, and Randy, and Asterios, and Erin Tillman, and Robin Higgins, and Leah Tiscione, and Roger Barr, and...Ron Babcock, and Buckley, Nathan Buckley...
Maddox: ...and all the gue-...and Ryan Holiday, and all the guests who've ever been on the show, and, uh, Denzel; everyone, thank you for making this show possible. We really appreciate it. Here's to 100 more. There's lots more to come. Very exciting times. Thank you, and you're welcome. (laughs with Sean) (plays next voicemail message)
Roger: Hey guys, this is Roger Barr, and I just wanted to congratulate you on 100 episodes. Uh...well, I guess "congratulate" is the wrong word. Uh, it's...it's just kinda sad, really. (Maddox snickers) That's...
Maddox: Fuck you, Roger!
Roger: 100 episodes, that's just sad. Um...
Maddox: YOU'RE sad.
Roger: But on the bright side, you know, you're...you're done now! You're... (chuckles) I mean, surely you're not gonna keep doin' this shit, right?
Maddox: ('boo' sound effect) (giggles)
Roger: So...so, yeah! I mean, you got all kinds of things to look forward to once you put this stupid podcast behind you. So keep your chin up, alright? And, uh, by the way, please tell your producer he owes me 50 bucks for recording this for you. Thanks, guys.
Maddox: (baby laugh sound effect) (giggles)
Sean: Oh. (grins)
Dick: Did you tell people we were gonna pay them? No? Okay. Good.
Maddox: Ahhh. Always...always Roger, ball-bustin' Roger Barr.
(next voicemail message)
Robin: Hey, it's Robin Higgins.
Maddox: Hey! (happy)
Robin: Just wanted to tell both you guys to go fuck yourself.
Robin: You're both horrible people...
Maddox: Got a nice voice!
Robin: ...whose only purpose in life is to make pathetic losers (Maddox spits out laughing) feel a tiny bit better about themselves for an hour every week because at least they're not you.
Maddox: Whooooa! (laughs)
Robin: You're both so disgusting that if the last people on Earth were you guys and a decapitated Lena Dunham, I'd go gay for her to avoid touching either of your tiny, tiny, penises. (Maddox laughing hysterically) (Sean chuckles uncomfortably)
Maddox: ('boo' sound effect)
Robin: Happy 100 episodes!
Maddox: Fuckin' Robin! (laughing) Robin, claws come out, huh? Robin.
Dick: Well, that's a shame, 'cause some of those losers sent in some nice emails about wanting to date her.
Dick: That I have for next time she's on.
Maddox: Maybe they'll be deleted! Who knows. Sean...we're gonna hand them to Sean, and if they get deleted, we have nothin' to do with that.
Sean: I'll take care of it. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Guess they're losers.
Maddox: Sean said he'll take care...Robin, you'll be sure to get those emails. She has a nice voice, though. (giggles)