May 17, 2016, Maddox
Episode 105 Transcript
cobbled together by Laurie Foster
| Loud Muffler Douchebags ||4168|
| Bro-Downs ||2759|
| Stonewalling Vegans ||2524|
[http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/the-problems/]See All the Problems...
Here's our first-ever "Best-Of" episode, which after putting it together, may actually be the best episode of this show we've ever made. But so is every show we record. This episode has us spanning the gamut from douchebags, from the ones so loud you can hear them in your home when they drive by, to another kind of douchebag: the party bro and the ensuing nipple-fencing that occurs every time they feel remotely slighted.
Special thanks to Harry's for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harrys.com/BIGGESTPROBLEMS
and use the promo code, BIGGESTPROBLEMS, to get $5 off your first purchase.
And we round things out with the douchebag theme with the saggiest of bags of douche: the stonewalling vegan. A statistically rare creature, as vegans represent only 0.5% of the US population, they make up over 90% of the crying you hear when you go to restaurants. We all know one, because they won't stop talking about their stupid extreme diets. They're like a good-time wrecking ball that can destroy the most meticulous of dinner plans. They can't just go to a social gathering, order something and shut their grass-eating holes because they have the constant need to soak up every last ounce of attention and make the night about them and their needs.
Vegans, for being such allegedly thoughtful and compassionate people, don't care about the suffering their friends, families and colleagues constantly endure at the behest of the arbitrary dietary restrictions. Arbitrary in the sense that nobody who lives in modern society is truly vegan, because emulsifiers that come from beef are used in almost everything we manufacture, from shampoos and paints, to the plastic used in the very keyboards they use to type out their whiny guilt-tripping screeds. Their diets kill billions of animals in harvesters, but they brush it off by saying it's "unintentional." Cool, I guess by that logic we should let drunk drivers off the hook too.
Maybe both problems can be solved by having an Uber-like service where all the drivers are drunk and they only pick up vegans. Possible Biggest Solution…
VegetarianTimes - Vegans represent 0.5% of the US, that's approximately 1-million loud-ass whiners
courtesy of Jack Tubbs